All language subtitles for The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet S06E22 Darby The Practical Joker 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP2 0 H 264-CRFW (1)_track4_[eng]

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[theme music]

--"The Adventures of
Ozzie and Harriet."

- How do you like
this dress, dear?

- Oh, yeah.

That'll be fine.

- I don't know.

Maybe it's a little too formal.

How do you like this one?

- Oh, yeah, I always
like that one on you.

- Oh, really?

I borrowed this
from Clara Randolph.

I've never worn it.

- Well, I-- I knew I'd
seen somebody in it.

How do you like this?
- Oh, yeah.

That's very nice.

- This is a slip.

- Well, you know, you
can't tell nowadays.

What are you
showing me that for?

- I was just testing.

You're not paying attention.

- Well, you don't need
me to help you pick out

a dress to wear to dinner.
Come on.

It's getting late.

If you don't hurry
up, it'll be over.

That is, I mean, we'll be late.

- Just a second.

Who'll be over?

- Oh, somebody.

- Oh, so that's why I'm
invited out to dinner.

You're just trying
to duck somebody.

- No, I'm not trying
to duck anybody.

I'm just trying to avoid Darby.

- What for, for goodness sakes?

- Well, if you must
know, it's a bet we made,

and I don't want him to win.

- What bet is that?

- Oh, it's ridiculous.

I bet him a dinner
he couldn't pull

one of those corny practical
jokes of his on me.

- How long does he have?

- A week, and the week runs
out tomorrow night at midnight.

See, that's why I want to
get out of here before he

has a chance to come over.

[doorbell]

There's the doorbell.

- I got it.

Hi, Mr. Darby.
Come on in.

- Well, hi, Rick.

- Pop, it's Mr. Darby.

- Hey.

You're all dressed up.

- Yeah, we're all going
out to dinner tonight.

- Oh, that's nice.

Oh, hi, Oz.

- Well, hi, Darb.

What brings you over here?

- Oh, I just--

What's the matter?

- Nothing.

I say, what brings
you over here?

- Well, I just dropped by
to bring you this cigar.

- Oh, what's the big occasion?

- My mother-in-law's Cocker
Spaniel just had pups.

- Well, look, I
don't mean to hurt

your mother-in-law's
feelings, or her Cocker

Spaniel's, but I'm off
cigars for a couple of days.

- Come on, Oz.

I insist.

This is a special brand.

I've heard good reports on it.

- Yeah, I imagine you have.

It looks like a bang-up cigar.

Hey, I have an idea.

Why don't you smoke it?

- All right, I'll be glad to.

But I hate to deprive
you of the pleasure.

- OK.
Be my guest.

- Great cigar, Oz.

You don't know what
you're missing.

- Look, Darb, I
hate to rush you,

but I promise to take Harriet
and the boys out to dinner.

- Yeah, that's what Ricky said.

Well, I'll be seeing you.

- Yeah, in a couple of days.

- Good night, Oz.

- Good night, Darb.

- Oh, brother.

- Who was that?

- It was Darby.

He must be slipping.

He just tried to pull the
oldest trick in the world

on me, the exploding cigar bit.

[laughter]

[bang]

What was that?

- Car backfired.

- Oh.

- What're you looking for, Pop?

- Well, I just want to make
sure Mr. Darby hasn't hidden any

of his trick gadgets in here.

- Why don't you
forget about Darb?

I'll bet he's forgotten
all about the bet.

- Well, maybe he has.

Maybe he hasn't.

- Where are we going?

- I don't care.

Where do you guys want to go?

- Who's picking up the tab?

- Well, I am.

- Well, then, why don't we go
back in and put on our tuxedos?

I know just the place.

- Wait a minute.
We're just going out for dinner.

We're not going to
celebrate New Year's Eve.

- Hey, I have an idea, Pop.

There's a new place
called The Royal Jester.

Wally works there
after school, and he

said the food's real good.

- Well, why don't we go there?

- OK.

We're off to The Royal Jester.

[rocket whistling]

[bang]

Doggone that Darby.

- That wasn't Mr. Darby, Pop.
That was me.

Pretty funny, huh?

- Oh.

[string music]

- Oh, good evening.

- Good evening.

- Please forgive me.

I'm having a little trouble
concentrating tonight.

You see, my wife
is in the hospital.

We're expecting an
addition to the family.

- Oh, how nice.
- Oh, well, congratulations.

- Thank you.

- There are four of us.

- Fine.

This way, please.

- Pretty nice place, huh?

- Yeah, it sure is.

- Will this be satisfactory?

- Oh, yes, this is fine.

Thank you.

Oh, I see what I want
right away, the roast beef.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

We're all out of roast beef.

May I have that for
a moment, please?

- Do you have a pencil, sir?

- Well, yes, I do.

- Would you mind crossing
out the roast beef?

- Oh.

See anything here you like?

- Oh, yes.

Lots of things.

- Excuse me.

I'll send a waiter over.

I have to keep in touch
with the hospital.

- That guy sure is nervous.

- Oh, that's understandable.
- Good evening, folks.

May I help you?

- Oh, yes, thank you.

Have you decided, Harriet?

- Oh, no.

I don't know.

- The roast beef is excellent.

- Well, the head waiter told us
you were all out of roast beef.

- He did?
- Well, yeah.

See?

He had me cross it
off the menu here.

- Oh, that's ridiculous.

We've got plenty of roast beef.

He's a little upset tonight.

- Yes, so he told us.

I'll have the roast beef.

- Maybe I'd better
go in the kitchen

and make sure they've got it.

- That's strange.

- Well, no, he just
wants to make sure.

- Hiya, folks.

- Oh, hello, Wally.

- David told us you were
working here after school.

- Yeah, it's a good job.

I get $30 a week
and all I can eat.

I figure my take-home
pay is about $290.

Well, I have to get around,
fill up the water glass,

or the boss gets sore.

- Oh, well, it's nice
to see you, Wally.

- Nice to see you, Wally.

- Well, I sure wish
the waiter'd come back.

I'm getting hungry.

- No sign of him.

Uh, head waiter?

Head waiter?

- No news yet, folks.

- Uh, head waiter.

- Good evening, folks.

May I take your order, please?

- Oh, well, thank you,
but another waiter

is taking care of us.

He went into the kitchen there
to see about the roast beef,

and he hasn't come back.

- He won't be back.

He quit.

- He quit?
- Yes, ma'am.

He got into a fight with
the chef about the way

the roast beef should be cooked.

The whole thing's kind of silly
because we don't have any roast

beef anyway.

- He said you did.

- Huh?

- See, it was marked out here,
and then the waiter erased it.

- Oh, no, no, that
should be crossed out.

- Oh.

- Don't mark up the menu!

- Wait a second.

We'd like to order, please

- Well, OK.

This isn't my station,
but I'll take your order.

- I think I'll have lamb chops.

- You won't like them.

- How about the fried chicken?

- No, no, no, no, look.

Why don't you just
let me order for you?

I know just what you want.

- What kind of a place did
you steer us to, David?

- I think it's OK, Pop.

It's kind of
sophisticated, having

the waiter select your dinner.

- Oh, sure, relax.

We're in no hurry.

- Oh, one side, please.

Hot stuff comin' through.

- Well, here we are, folks.

Specialty of the house.

Meatballs.

Oh, sorry, folks.

Oh, there we go.

Hey, there's, uh, one
there by your foot.

Would you mind
kicking it out here?

Oop, there we are.

Oops.

Well, there you are, folks.

Well, dig in.

Uh, serve your old man, bud.

- Now, just a second.

You don't expect us to eat
these after they've been

rolling around on the floor?
- Why not?

The floor is perfectly clean.

Hey, Max!

Max!

- What's the matter?

- This gentleman doesn't
think our floors are clean.

- Oh, of course they are.

I mop 'em up once a week.

Well, enjoy your dinner.

Have a nice dinner.

Eat hearty.

Oh, for the lady.

- Now, just a second.

Take these meatballs
back to the kitchen.

We're not going to eat them.

- You eat 'em, and like 'em.

- Hey, wait a minute.

These people are my friends.

- Now, look, you
stay out of this.

This is all your fault, anyway.

- What do you mean, my fault?

- Well, if you hadn't
spilt water on the floor,

I wouldn't have dropped
those meatballs.

- Now, Wally--

- Well, I didn't spill
any water on the floor.

- All right.
What did I trip on?

- Well, probably your big feet.

- My-- I've had
enough out of you.

You're fired.

- What do you mean, I'm fired?

I quit.

- Oh!

You come back here!

[laughter]

- That's one on you, Pop.

- It's all a gag, Mr. Nelson.

- Oh!

For goodness sake.

Boy, I really went for it.

[laughs] Wait, wait, is
this Mr. Darby's joke, Dave?

- No, they do this
to all the customers.

That's why they call
it The Royal Jester.

- Oh.

[applause]

- Yeah, I get fired every hour.

- How about that?

Boy, I really went for it.

- Oh, me, too.

I nearly died when he picked
those meatballs up and put them

on the platter.

- Oh, they're not
meatballs, Mrs. Nelson.

They're made out of plastic.

- Mr. Nelson, this
is Mr. Cranston.

He used to be in vaudeville.

- Oh, how do you do?

- How do you do, Mr. Nelson?

- Gave a great performance.

- Oh, thank you.

Yeah, we have a
lot of laughs here.

Never a dull moment.

- Well, what does the
owner say about it?

- Oh, he's an old
vaudevillian, too.

The whole thing is his idea.

Hey, look, I'll go get
you some roast beef.

The food really is good here.

- Oh, fine.

- What do you mean you
don't have any money?

- I'm sorry, I forgot my wallet.

- Hey, this is good.

- Hey, we got another deadbeat.

- Let him sing for his supper.

- I can't sing.

- He can't sing.

- Well, then, let him dance.

- It's all part of the act.

That's the way they put
on the entertainment.

[applause]

[upbeat piano music]

[rhythmic clapping]

[applause]

[applause]

[slow piano music]

- Well, this a great place.

A lot of fun.

- They have good food, too.

- Hey, I just got an idea.

This would be a wonderful
place to put one over on Darby.

Why don't we bring him
here tomorrow night?

- Yeah, that'd be a switch.

You play a practical
joke on him.

- Say, do you think Wally
would help us out and set up

something real special?

- Oh, you know Wally.

He'd love it.

- I didn't realize you
guys were so corny.

- Harriet, you miss the
whole point of this.

See, that's the idea.

I'm trying to show Darby how
corny his practical jokes

really are.
- Pardon me.

Did you call for
your check, sir?

- Oh, yes, I did.

We're leaving in a few minutes.

- I am glad you folks
entered into the spirit

of our little shenanigans.

You know, a lot of
people get angry,

but I knew you were good
sports the minute I saw you.

- Oh, well, thanks a lot.

- You know, this has been
a big evening for me.

It was a boy.
- Oh, congratulations.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

- Glad to hear it.

Oh, oh.

Prerogative of a new father.

Have a cigar.

- Oh, thanks a lot.

- I'll bring your change.

- See, Harriet,
the whole idea is

to have a sense of humor
about these things.

- You know, Pop, I just
got a horrible thought.

- What's that?

- Well, they play a lot
of tricks here maybe.

That's one of those--

[bang]

Exploding cigars.

[comical music]

[upbeat music]

- Hey, here's an idea.

One of the waiters walks by
and says, "Oh, pardon me, Mr.

Darby," and spills
soup in his lap.

[laughs]

- Well, that sounds
pretty funny,

Mr. Nelson, but
I'm afraid that'd

make it a little too messy.

- Well, it doesn't
have to be soup.

It could be ice cream.

Vanilla ice cream with
chocolate sauce, and the waiter

spills it all down
his shirtfront.

- Don't you think that's going
a little bit too far, though,

Pop?

I mean, the stuff they
do there's enough.

- I'll just ask him to lay
it on as thick as they can.

I guarantee it'll be plenty.
- OK.

Just as long as he
gets a good goin' over.

- Oh, don't worry about that.

Well, I'll see you all
later at the restaurant.

- Bye.
- Bye, Wally.

- Thanks, Wally.

- You sure Mr. Darby is going to
go to dinner with you tonight,

Pop?
- Oh, yeah.

It's all arranged.

I'm going to pick him
up at 8:00 at his house.

What's the matter, Harriet?
Aren't you with us on this?

- Well, sure I am.
I'm with you all the way.

Put it there, partner.
- Good.

[buzzer]
Oh!

[comical music]

- Hi, Darb.

- Hi, Oz.

- I see you're all ready.

- Of course I am.

You're late.

- No, I'm not.

It's exactly 8:00.

It's 10 after 8:00.

- Oh, my watch--
wait'll I fix my watch.

[laughs]

- Hi, Ozzie.
- Well, hi, Sally.

- Where's Harriet?

- Well, she's not quite ready.

We're going to pick
her up at the house.

Oh, allow me.
- Oh, thank you.

- Certainly is nice of you
to take us out to dinner, Oz.

- Yes, it is.
- Well, it's my pleasure.

- Where are we going?

- Well, it's a
new place in town.

I think you'll like it.

- Oh, who cares, anyway?

Ozzie's picking up the check.

[laughter]

You picked a rough night, Oz.
I'm pretty hungry.

- Well, don't worry.

You'll get plenty.

[piano music]

- Oh, good evening, sir.

May I help you?

- Yes.

I believe a friend of
ours who works here

made a reservation for us.

His name is Wally.

- Mr. Wally?

I'm afraid I have no
reservation for a Mr. Wally.

- Oh, no, no, I'm sorry.

It's Mr. Nelson.

- Oh, Wally Nelson.

- No, uh, just plain Nelson.

- Oh, oh, here we are.

Just plain Nelson.

Reservation for a party of 12.

- No, just the four of us.

My wife and the
Darbys and myself.

- What happened to
the other eight?

- [laughs] Well, just supposed
to be four of us originally.

- Well, you'll have to
wait for a few minutes.

Would you care to
wait in the bar?

- Yes.
That'll be fine.

- Well, you go out
the front door,

and it's three blocks
down the street.

- If you'd rather, you
may wait in your car.

- But they've already
parked my car.

- Who parked your car?

- Well, I don't know.

We drove up and got out,
and the parking attendant

came along and drove it away.

- We don't have a
parking attendant.

- Well, then who parked my car?

I wouldn't know, sir.

- I'd better go see about that.

- You do that, Darb.

Right this way, please.

- You don't suppose anything's
happened to our car?

- No, I'm sure it'll
be all right, Sally.

- You sit right
here, Mrs. Darby.

- Well, isn't this
a little large?

- The reservation called
for a party of 12.

You sit right there, Mr. Nelson.

Pardon me.

Just a moment.

- What a strange man.

- Ah, ah, just a second, sir.

Do you have a reservation?

- You were just talking to me.

I'm with the Nelson party.

- Nelson, Nelson.

I'm sorry.

I don't have a Nelson.

- They're sitting
right over there.

- Oh, come now, sir.

I've been a head
waiter for 20 years.

That's a very old trick.

- It isn't a trick.

That woman with him is my wife.

- Well, I guess I'll have to
take your word for it, sir.

- What's good here?

- Why don't you
try the roast beef?

- The car was parked
right outside.

What's the matter
with that head waiter?

- Oh, he seemed all right to me.

Relax.

Enjoy yourself.

- And what's this big table for?

- Well, I don't know.

I guess it's the
only one they had.

- Well, good evening, folks.

You ready to order
now, or do you

want to wait for the
rest of your party?

- This is our party.

There's just the four of us.

- Oh, well, you won't
need this stuff.

Uh, go ahead and
read the menu, Dad.

I'll be with you in a minute.

- Harriet, have you
ever been here before?

- Oh, yes.
- Oh, yeah.

The food is great.

- Say, Sally, look who's there.

- My goodness.

- Who is it?

- It's Mr. Baxter, one
of our best clients.

Say, Oz, would you mind
if I asked him to join us?

- Oh, well, D--

Darb, why don't we keep
it just a small party?

- Oh, gee, Oz, he's waved to us.

He's sitting over
there all by himself.

He is one of our
biggest accounts.

- Well, OK.

- Thank you.

- Oh, uh, will you
excuse me, please?

I-- I'd better talk to the
head waiter about something.

- This is awfully nice of you
to invite Mr. Baxter over.

He's really a very
important client.

- Oh, uh, head waiter.
- Yes, sir.

- Uh, pardon me, folks.

I'd like to speak to you about
the arrangements Wally made.

- Oh, Wally's been fired.

- Well, yes, it's
part of the act.

He gets fired every hour.

But see, this very
important business

man-- oh, well, just call
everything off, please.

- Well, JP, I believe
you know my wife.

- Mrs. Darby.
- Mrs. Nelson.

- Mrs. Nelson.
- How do you do?

- And this is Mr. Nelson.

- Oh, how do you do?

- How do you do?

- Here, sit right down, JP.

- Well, it's very nice
of you to invite me over,

but I don't mean to intrude.

- Nonsense.

We've got plenty of room
here, as you can see.

- Yes.

- Yeah, I'm very glad I
ran into you, Mr. Darby.

I hope you don't mind if we
talk shop for just a moment.

- Oh, no.

Go right ahead.

- Well, I discussed your offer
with our board of directors,

and I think I've got them
pretty well sold on your firm.

- Well, I'm certainly
glad to hear that.

- Yes.

You have a certain dignity
and refinement and good taste

that appeals to us well.
- Oh, hey, fellas.

Here's a table.

- Just a second.

We're about to eat dinner here.

- Anybody eatin' down
at the other end?

- Well, no.
- Come on, Max.

Here's a place.

- Now, now--

- Ugh.

This is fine.

This is our supper
break, and believe me,

it's awful hard to find a place
to sit down this time of night.

Excuse me, lady.

Borrow your knife?

Anybody care for
some watermelon?

- Oh, uh, no thanks.

Where's the head waiter?

- He eats across the street.

Hey, uh, baldy?

Shoot the salt down there.

- What is this, anyway?

- I don't know.

It's all very strange.

What's going on here, Oz?

[clatter]

- Gangway.

Who wants salad?

- We didn't order salad.

- Oh, you'll want it.

Everybody does.

- Look what you're doing!

- Could you be a little
more careful, please?

- Oh, I'm sorry, mac.

- Look, the deal is off.

- You mean you don't
want the salad?

- You know what
I'm talking about.

The deal is off.

- Hey, look, pops.

Once we make a salad,
we can't take it back.

- Anybody care for
half a salami sandwich?

- Yeah, thanks.

- Let's eat someplace else.

- Oh, no, and miss
the roast beef?

It's the best in town.

- What do you mean
it's the best in town?

That was left over
from yesterday.

- Hey, look, I'm
waiting on this party.

- Well, go ahead and wait on
'em, but don't push the stale

roast beef.

- Just a second.

Whom do you think
you're pushing around?

- Whom?

"You-m," that's whom.

- Look, will you cut
it out, please, fellas?

- You mind your own business.

- Hey, don't you talk to
my customer like that,

or I'll punch you
right in the nose.

- You do, and I'll
bleed all over you.

- Please, not while I'm eating.

- Well, let's get out
of here, shall we?

[clatter]

- Oh!

- Oh, Mr. Baxter, I--

I'm terribly sorry.

- Are you really, Mr. Nelson?

- [laughs] That's a shame, JP.

- And Mr. Darby, I don't
think that's very funny.

In fact, this whole evening has
been quite an eye opener to me.

You can just forget about
any plans we had together.

[laughter]

- Gee.

- Oh, let him go, Oz.

I wouldn't want to do business
with an old grouch like that,

anyhow.

[laughs]

- It was pretty funny.

[laughs] That's fine.

Thank you.

- I don't know about
you fellas, but this

is one of the most hectic
evenings I've ever spent.

- Boy, you're not kidding.

Well, I guess just about
time for us to leave, huh?

Uh, check, please?

Thank you.

Yeah, seems about right.

Here you are, Darb.

The check.

- What's this for?

I thought this was your treat.

- Well, let's consider it your
payment for losing the bet.

I think I played a pretty funny
practical joke on you tonight,

bringing you to
this crazy place.

- You mean this was all a joke?

- Every bit of it.

- Well, how about that, Oz?

I've got to hand it to you.

- Well, what's this for?

The bet is over, and I won.

It's after 12:00.

It's past the deadline.

You haven't played a
practical joke on me.

- I'm afraid you're wrong, Oz.

It's only 10 minutes of 12:00.

- Well, no.

What do you mean?

I set my watch by your
clock in your house.

- Yeah, after I set my
clock ahead 10 minutes.

We've still got
10 minutes to go.

- 10 minutes?

I'm going to let you play
any practical jokes on me

now, that's for sure.

- Oh, I already have.

- What do you mean?

- May I present Mr.
Baxter Ferguson, the owner

of The Royal Jester restaurant?

- You were wonderful
sports this evening.

- Doggone you, Darb, you
and your practical jokes.

That's funny, huh?

- I think you and Sally
carried that off terrifically.

- Thank you, Harriet.

The check is yours, Oz.

Pay the man.

[laughs]

- I'm afraid the last laugh
is on you after all, Darb.

I don't have any money
to pay the check.

[laughs]

- Oh, well, that's very
easily taken care of.

Boys, this deadbeat hasn't
enough money to pay the check.

Let him sing for his supper.

- What?

What?

[music - "sugartime"]

- [SINGING] Sugar in
the morning, sugar

in the evening,
sugar at suppertime.

Be my little sugar and
love me all the time.

Honey in the morning,
honey in the evening,

honey at suppertime.

Be my little honey and
love me all the time.

- Oh, won't you put
your arms around me

and swear by stars
above you'll be mine

forever in a heaven of love?

- Oh, sugar in the morning,
sugar in the evening,

sugar at suppertime.

- Be my little sugar,
and love me all the time.

- Now, sugar time is any time.

- Say, Ozzie's good.

- Well, he's no Ricky Nelson.

- So don't you roam.

Just be my honeycomb.

- Honeycomb.

- Honeycomb.

- We'll live in
a heaven of love.

- Oh.

- Honey in the morning,
honey in the evening,

honey at suppertime.

Be my little honey and
love me all the time.

Put your arms around me and
swear by stars above you'll

be mine forever in
a heaven of love.

Sugar in the morning,
sugar in the evening,

sugar at suppertime.

- Bum.

- Be my little sugar and
love me all the time.

Well, sugar in the morning,
sugar in the evening,

sugar at suppertime.

Be my little sugar.

- Sugar time.
- Sugar time.

- Sugar and--

- Love me all the time.

- Sugar time, sugar
time, sugar time.

[applause]

[theme music]

- "Ozzie and Harriet" are
brought to you on film

by Eastman Kodak company.

This week, visit your
regular Kodak dealer

for reliable service in
all your picture needs.

This has been an ABC Television
Network film presentation.