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1
00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:41,758
Thank you.
2
00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:49,790
Oh! Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.
3
00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:51,712
Thank you. Thank you.
4
00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:53,656
Good evening. Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
5
00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:56,513
and welcome to A Bit
of Fry And Laurie.
6
00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:58,909
Yes, but not just
ladies and gentlemen.
7
00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:01,514
Let's not forget the large
number of domestic animals
8
00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:04,068
who sit in front of the television
while this programme is on.
9
00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:06,799
That's right. Let's all say
hi to the large number of dogs
10
00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:08,677
- who are with us this evening.
- Mmm.
11
00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:16,237
That was my hello
to all the dogs.
12
00:01:16,320 --> 00:01:19,437
I'm sorry if it was too high-pitched
for you, ladies and gentlemen.
13
00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:24,150
And while we're at it, let's
say a big hi to Marlon Brando.
14
00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:28,030
Marlon, as you probably know, is very
much not a dear old friend of ours.
15
00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:30,395
Mmm. In fact, we've
never met him.
16
00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:35,270
No, but if we say hi often enough, he
might just think that we've met him,
17
00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:38,456
and give one of those sort of embarrassed
half smiles that you give to somebody
18
00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:41,278
when you're not sure whether
or not you know them, you know.
19
00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:43,336
Did you perhaps sit next
to them on the train once?
20
00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:45,396
Are they something to do
with your brother-in-law?
21
00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:46,675
This is pathetic.
22
00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:50,036
You're right. It is pathetic.
It's undeniably pathetic.
23
00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:52,350
But, ladies and gentlemen
and canine pals...
24
00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:59,353
We're after your help tonight because we
aim, in the next half hour, to become big.
25
00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:03,718
So big that even Marlon Brando
will know exactly who we are.
26
00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:07,793
Yes, but first of all, it might be helpful
if we were to explain exactly what big is.
27
00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:10,110
You see, Stephen and
I are both very tall,
28
00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:12,998
- but we're not very big.
- No.
29
00:02:13,080 --> 00:02:17,392
Whereas, by quite
stark contrast,
30
00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:21,951
Mickey Rooney, Prince and
Michael J Fox are very short.
31
00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:23,912
But incredibly big!
32
00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:28,559
So, let's take a look at our big-o-meter,
so we can just spell that out.
33
00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:34,308
That's right. Now, up here,
registering 1,009, is Marlon Brando.
34
00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:37,718
And we're down here at 1.4.
35
00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:41,918
And here, registering 108,
36
00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:44,594
is the big-ish Tony Gubba.
37
00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:49,399
So, that gives you some idea of the
kind of mountain we have to climb.
38
00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:52,119
But with your help, ladies
and gentlemen, we can make it.
39
00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:56,239
So let's see if we can't hit 1.5 by
the end of the evening, all right?
40
00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:57,548
- Good luck.
- Good luck.
41
00:02:59,640 --> 00:03:04,430
I suppose if I am honest, I use my
penis as a sort of car substitute.
42
00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:09,037
You know what makes me really mad? It's
the fact that we have to pay for it.
43
00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:11,429
Oh, yes! Yes, we're the
ones who pay for it.
44
00:03:11,640 --> 00:03:15,758
You know, ev-ev-every bit of food we
want to eat, we have to pay for it.
45
00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:19,671
The clothes I wear, I paid
for them. It makes me mad.
46
00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:45,549
...and similarly louche places.
47
00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:49,278
Jeremy, I must tell you,
I was in Venice last year.
48
00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:55,150
Now, you, I believe, know more about
Venice than anybody else in the world.
49
00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:56,639
The Queen of the Adriatic.
50
00:03:56,720 --> 00:04:00,156
Is just one of the things
you've been called.
51
00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:03,873
I was strolling
through the Rial... to,
52
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:07,555
returning from a walk which had taken
in the Santa Maria della Salu... te,
53
00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:09,870
and the San Giorgio Roman... o.
54
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:13,635
- Along the Giudec... ca?
- Along the Giudec...
55
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:15,389
...ca, yes.
56
00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:17,755
And I believe I'm
right in saying
57
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:21,355
that I counted no less
than 97 backpackers.
58
00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:23,670
Backpackers? Oh, dear Lord!
59
00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:27,639
Who were "doing", as I believe the
ghastly phrase is, "the Accademia".
60
00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:30,871
Tourists, you see, tourists.
61
00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:34,714
And I remember thinking
they're taking away our Venice.
62
00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:36,866
The place is absolutely
heaving with Germans.
63
00:04:36,890 --> 00:04:37,997
Yes, and Italians.
64
00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:40,116
The place is absolutely
heaving with Italians.
65
00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:42,270
Our Venice is sinking
under their weight.
66
00:04:42,368 --> 00:04:46,247
So, you see, I've campaigned for years
now to have tourists banned from Venice.
67
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:48,390
- Have you, have you?
- Yes, I have, I have.
68
00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:52,712
It sounds very cruel. Very
harsh, I know. Very...
69
00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:55,439
- Deglante?
- Very deglante. Thank you, yes.
70
00:04:55,520 --> 00:04:56,856
Yes, but I'm convinced
it's the only way.
71
00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:58,711
Ng, ng, ng, ng.
72
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:01,360
Who was it? Who was it who said,
73
00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:03,750
"He is a tourist,
74
00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:06,794
"you are a holidaymaker,
75
00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:09,753
"but I am a traveller."
76
00:05:09,840 --> 00:05:12,274
Oh. Now, was it Humbert Wolfe?
77
00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:15,318
- It was Cocteau, surely.
- Doesn't sound very Cocteau.
78
00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:18,336
But then Cocteau never does, which is
how you can always tell it's Cocteau.
79
00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:20,999
True, true, true. Trouché.
80
00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:25,828
Of course, it's not just Venice.
81
00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:31,313
Oh, good heavens, no. No, it's not
just Venezia. Venedich. Veneeez.
82
00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:33,072
No, not by a long stroke.
83
00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:35,958
No, our whole world
is being stained.
84
00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:38,748
- Stained. Stained.
- Stained. Yes. Yes, it is. It is.
85
00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:45,194
- Jeremy?
- Yes.
86
00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:48,909
I blame television.
I'm sorry, but I do.
87
00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:52,754
Oh, no, television. No, don't,
please. Oh! That fearful, erm...
88
00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:56,353
- Mervyn Bragg.
- Oh, Mervyn Bragg.
89
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:59,830
Stop it at once. If I had my
way with that Mervyn Bragg...
90
00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:01,876
No one would be in
the least surprised.
91
00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:05,193
Bitch.
92
00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:08,438
I say, this is the most
awfully good tarte citron.
93
00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:09,520
Erm?
94
00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:12,074
Tarte citron.
95
00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:13,878
Oh, the lemon pie, dear.
96
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:19,592
Yes, yes. I've always said, you know, that
I could never truly be friends with anybody
97
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:21,477
who didn't love lemon pie.
98
00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:27,550
Now, now, Susan. Now, Susan, don't
be sly. Did you make this yourself?
99
00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:32,396
Well, let's just say I made it
to the shops in time to buy it.
100
00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:35,392
- I knew it. Marks & Spencer.
- Marks & Spencer.
101
00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:37,710
- M & S. Who else?
- M & S.
102
00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:42,510
M et S. They are simply
amazing, aren't they?
103
00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:45,319
- Have you tried their new boxer shorts?
- I haven't, I haven't.
104
00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:46,628
I have. Delicious.
105
00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:49,553
Oh, oh, and their dips.
Oh, bless me, their dips!
106
00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:52,871
In my local one, there's a
really marvellous primary school.
107
00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:54,439
- A primary school?
- Yes.
108
00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:56,351
Both mine and my husband's
children go there.
109
00:06:56,440 --> 00:06:59,557
Well, of course, in my local one,
they've just opened a hospital section.
110
00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:00,640
Have they?
111
00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:03,439
Oh, yes, yes. You can go in and
have minor operations, everything.
112
00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:06,956
Yes. Well, at the one near me,
you can actually buy weaponry.
113
00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:09,110
- Is that right?
- It is. Yes, it is, quite right.
114
00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:10,480
- Mine, too.
- Yes, I actually...
115
00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:12,915
I bought an F-111
there last week.
116
00:07:13,008 --> 00:07:15,105
It was so fresh,
I swear it was made that day.
117
00:07:15,129 --> 00:07:16,060
Really? Really?
118
00:07:16,085 --> 00:07:18,245
Well, listen, of course,
the great thing about
119
00:07:18,270 --> 00:07:20,471
them is that if you're
not happy with anything,
120
00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:23,597
- you can always go back and change it.
- Change it, precisely.
121
00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:27,316
- Hello.
- Good morning, madam. Can I help you?
122
00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:30,233
I bought these suits
for my husband, you see,
123
00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:32,675
and I want to
return them, please.
124
00:07:32,760 --> 00:07:34,990
Right, you want to exchange
them for different suits?
125
00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:38,629
Oh, no, I don't want different
suits. That wouldn't be any good.
126
00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:40,312
Not now he's dead.
127
00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:43,034
Oh, I'm sorry.
128
00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:45,270
Now, this is the
suit he died in.
129
00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:51,156
But I don't think you
can tell, can you?
130
00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:54,474
I think I've managed
to get most of it out.
131
00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:59,599
- And when exactly did you buy that suit?
- 1947.
132
00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:05,673
I remember the year because that
was the year I bought his suits.
133
00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:11,424
I see. Yes, and you want a refund, do you?
134
00:08:11,449 --> 00:08:15,350
Refund?
No, no, no, not a refund.
135
00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:17,635
No. I want my money back.
136
00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:22,397
I see. Have you got the receipt?
137
00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:25,074
No. But the lady
will remember me.
138
00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:27,829
What lady?
139
00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:30,673
Well, the lady who sold
them to me, of course.
140
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,910
Well, can you remember
what she looked like?
141
00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:37,517
Well, she was about 65 and...
142
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:42,958
I'm afraid that if she was
65 in 1947, she'd be...
143
00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:46,510
- Ohhh!
- Ooh!
144
00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:49,637
Hello!
145
00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:56,076
Suit fit your husband
all right, didn't it?
146
00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:58,355
Yes, thank you.
147
00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:02,513
And did you enjoy your
tea at Lyons Corner House?
148
00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:05,194
It was lovely, thank you.
149
00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:07,914
He looked so handsome
in his uniform.
150
00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:09,069
Ahh.
151
00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:11,151
Still together, are you?
152
00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:13,431
43 years.
153
00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:17,029
43 years
154
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:19,750
since he last rang me.
155
00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:21,229
Men!
156
00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:24,473
Oh, they're bastards,
aren't they?
157
00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:30,919
Can't live with them,
can't live without them.
158
00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:33,836
Mine can't live at all.
159
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:38,513
He's dead.
160
00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:42,391
Oh! Oh, you'll be wanting
your money back, then.
161
00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:44,710
Oh, yes, please. Yes.
162
00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:47,314
I put it by just in case.
163
00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:50,239
Here you are.
164
00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:53,073
You are a good girl.
165
00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:56,869
£3, 12 and six.
166
00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:58,552
Thank you.
167
00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:00,471
Or perhaps the lady
would like a replacement?
168
00:10:00,560 --> 00:10:03,233
No, I told you I
wanted my money back.
169
00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:05,629
He means for your husband.
170
00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:10,396
- Oh, goodness! Do you do old men?
- Of course.
171
00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:12,278
What size do you take?
172
00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:20,476
Five-foot-six, if you have.
173
00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:24,436
Five-foot-six straight
or five-foot-six bent?
174
00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:27,398
- Bent.
- I'll see what we've got.
175
00:10:28,560 --> 00:10:31,154
Yes, you'll like our old men,
madam. They don't smell at all.
176
00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:35,593
Well, they have got a
sort of stale manly odour.
177
00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:37,079
Oh!
178
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:38,833
What do you think?
179
00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:41,957
Oh, he's dishy, isn't he?
180
00:10:43,967 --> 00:10:45,159
Isn't he?
181
00:10:45,183 --> 00:10:48,119
Mind you,
you can't tell until you get them home.
182
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:51,474
Can I change him if
I'm not satisfied?
183
00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:52,994
Bloody women.
184
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,595
They always want to change you.
185
00:10:56,760 --> 00:11:00,389
What makes me really mad
is this new drug, ecstasy.
186
00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:01,749
Makes me mad!
187
00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:17,356
Gary's Bit In The Middle.
188
00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:23,318
All right! Hallelujah!
Yeah! How about that?
189
00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:26,676
I'm really impressed because, you
know, even I struggle remembering that.
190
00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:28,751
Well, I did, actually, but
I got there in the end.
191
00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:30,296
Well done to you.
What do you do, Paul?
192
00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:32,311
Thank you for sparing the time.
193
00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:33,520
No problem.
194
00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:36,717
You admire Gary Davies?
195
00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:40,152
Not much time for
that sort of thing.
196
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:41,953
You should make time, Alan.
197
00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:43,634
A man should unwind.
198
00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:46,518
You don't mind if
I call you Alan?
199
00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:48,419
Fine with me.
200
00:11:48,443 --> 00:11:50,949
Good,
good. I just find Sally a bit awkward.
201
00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:52,800
I understand.
202
00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:56,636
Excellent. Now, then, Alan, I've
got your record in front of me here.
203
00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:58,551
It makes impressive reading.
204
00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:01,718
Well, you know, I've knocked
about the world a bit.
205
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:03,155
You certainly have.
206
00:12:03,179 --> 00:12:06,096
But I'd like, if I may, to fill in one or
two gaps, take a few side bearings,
207
00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:08,509
rough out some contours.
That okay with you?
208
00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:09,600
Fine.
209
00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:14,510
Okay. '65, '66, you
ran guns out of Macao
210
00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:17,319
using a refitted Dutch trawler.
211
00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:19,436
I can still smell
those damn herring.
212
00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:23,998
In '68, you popped up on the Ivory
Coast smuggling refugees out of Nigeria.
213
00:12:24,240 --> 00:12:28,392
The following year, there was that nasty
caper with the Rhodesian mining company.
214
00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:32,116
From then on, it's a series of
apparently unrelated appearances,
215
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:36,876
working with Uruguayan customs,
a supply teacher in Maidstone,
216
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:39,190
crop spraying in Rawalpindi,
217
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:41,316
Home Secretary in the
last Labour government
218
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:45,632
and then a short spell as
Nigel Pargetter in The Archers.
219
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:49,713
- Someone had to do it.
- Oh, yeah, I'm sure.
220
00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:51,632
Okay, now it's my turn, yeah?
221
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:54,144
I got to tell you
that I don't like being
222
00:12:54,168 --> 00:12:56,039
rung up by strange men
I've never met before
223
00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:57,872
and have files read out at me.
224
00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:00,758
I don't like being asked a lot
of questions by men in hats.
225
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:05,039
Suppose you tell me exactly what is
going on and who in blazes you are?
226
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:07,430
All right. We need a man, Alan.
227
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:09,950
We need a man with
exceptional abilities.
228
00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:12,793
A man with a record of
success against all the odds.
229
00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:16,915
A man with the courage to try
his hand at the impossible.
230
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:20,150
- Go on.
- We want you, if you can,
231
00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:24,428
to sit down and watch an entire
episode of The Krypton Factor.
232
00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:27,513
You're out of your mind.
233
00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:30,708
Listen to me, Alan. It's
never been done before.
234
00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:33,382
No one has ever watched
an entire programme from
235
00:13:33,406 --> 00:13:35,749
start to finish. Oh, sure,
we've all seen bits.
236
00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:39,196
But no one has ever
gone the full distance.
237
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:43,474
If I don't make it,
238
00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:46,471
you'll see that
Judy's taken care of?
239
00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:49,074
Of course, Alan. Of course.
240
00:13:50,880 --> 00:13:52,108
See you in hell.
241
00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:05,798
When I was nine,
242
00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:08,952
oh, fewer years ago now
than I care to remember,
243
00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:10,359
um, um,
244
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:13,551
my mother told me
245
00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:17,952
that in this life one could
either be an elf or a pixie.
246
00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:23,510
What she meant by that I fully suppose
you may be able all too readily to guess.
247
00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:26,356
But her remarks set me thinking.
248
00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:28,876
And from that moment
on, I purposed
249
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:32,794
to be worthy of her
admonitions and adviselments
250
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:36,558
I suppose I can look back on my
whole life as a kind of quest.
251
00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:39,598
A search, a hunt, an
interrogation, if you like.
252
00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:41,791
Yesterday was my birthday.
253
00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:44,670
I won't tell you which,
because I hate you.
254
00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:48,589
And I celebrated
it in fine style,
255
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:51,399
in the company of a
cold bottle of Chablis
256
00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:54,278
and a couple of prostitutes.
257
00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:59,473
I suppose, in a sense,
258
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:02,919
my quest has come full circle.
259
00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:06,200
Or, rather, my hunt is over
260
00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:08,199
and I can rest now.
261
00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:13,056
Well, I hope you enjoyed that. I'll
be here every Tuesday and Thursday,
262
00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:15,674
so until the next time, good
night and safe journey home.
263
00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:21,829
Come on.
264
00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:24,273
Come on, baby.
265
00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:27,268
Gotcha!
266
00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:33,959
- Is that you, John?
- Who else, Peter?
267
00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:38,190
I was beginning to
wonder where the hell...
268
00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:40,271
Traffic, Peter.
Plain and simple.
269
00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:41,952
That's a bitch, John.
270
00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:44,235
Took the switchback
routes wherever I could,
271
00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:47,517
but, frankly, the A47 is
a car park at the moment.
272
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:49,272
Damn that ball cock!
273
00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:51,476
Peter, it's no good
blaming the system.
274
00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:52,959
Well, maybe you're right.
275
00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:57,118
So, fill me in. How's
business this A.M.?
276
00:15:57,200 --> 00:15:59,316
Business has been
pretty quiet, John.
277
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:02,953
Had a couple of noisy ones
in stall three earlier on,
278
00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:06,153
- but mostly it's been quiet.
- Good. Any calls?
279
00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:10,068
Yeah, I had one from the maintenance
boys about fixing this damn towel rollup.
280
00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:12,628
- And?
- Can't make it till next Tuesday.
281
00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:14,915
- Damn!
- That's what I said, John.
282
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:18,310
Damn, blast, triple damn with
an extra side order of damn!
283
00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:19,959
Yep, said that as well.
284
00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:23,032
How can they expect us to
run a public lavatory complex
285
00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:24,678
without adequate
maintenance backup?
286
00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:25,954
Beats me, John.
287
00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:28,315
They said they'd give
it top priority, but...
288
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:31,198
Top priority, my arse!
289
00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:34,792
- Just a lot of hot air, Peter.
- I know, John.
290
00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:38,316
Our clients can't be expected
to dry their hands with hot air.
291
00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:39,994
Well, actually, John...
292
00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:43,231
No, Peter, Peter, don't start on that
electric hand dryer business again.
293
00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:47,518
I read your report. It was good
work, but now is not the time.
294
00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:50,793
Not the time.
295
00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:53,333
I wonder if you'd have
used a phrase like that
296
00:16:53,357 --> 00:16:55,352
back when we were
running the health club?
297
00:16:56,680 --> 00:17:00,559
Peter, Marjorie won, pure and simple.
It wasn't a fair fight, I grant you,
298
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:02,119
but that's it. Over.
299
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:05,793
You don't have to throw
Marjorie in my face, John.
300
00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:09,154
I'm sorry, Peter, but damn
it, we've got a chance here
301
00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:13,392
to build the finest public amenity
system Uttoxeter has ever known.
302
00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:16,712
Damn it, John, when?
What's the time frame?
303
00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:18,950
Only a fool would answer
that question, Peter.
304
00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:21,156
A month, maybe 12, I don't know.
305
00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:23,109
You know, John,
306
00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:27,274
every day when I leave the house,
Sarah kisses me on the cheek.
307
00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:30,596
Sarah? But your
wife's Nancy, surely?
308
00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:32,598
Yeah, Sarah's the au pair.
309
00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:34,750
She helps out with a
lot of Nancy's chores.
310
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:40,791
She kisses me on the cheek and damn it,
John, if there aren't tears in her eyes.
311
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:43,348
Peter, I know it's hard.
312
00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:46,314
Kids get a rough time at
school, you know. Oh, yes.
313
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:48,516
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
314
00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:50,955
"Sherman's dad is a
lavatory attendant."
315
00:17:51,120 --> 00:17:53,554
Don't ever say that, Peter!
316
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:56,916
The Peter I know, that Peter,
that one there, him, yeah,
317
00:17:57,320 --> 00:17:59,151
he's nobody's
lavatory attendant.
318
00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:02,791
He is an equal partner
in an enterprise
319
00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:06,874
that is going to put Uttoxeter's
sanitation well into the 21st century.
320
00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:09,271
Damn it, John! The shame.
321
00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:12,154
Peter, listen up now
and listen up good.
322
00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:15,558
What you're doing here is
for Nancy and the kids.
323
00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:18,997
Every time you refill one of these
soap dispensers, it's for them.
324
00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:23,148
Every time you pluck a cigarette end
out of that urinal, it's for them.
325
00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:27,070
Every time you unclog a
U-bend with your bare hands,
326
00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:28,599
it's for them.
327
00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:31,353
- Damn it, John, maybe you're right.
- You bet I'm right.
328
00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:35,477
So, now, let's go to work.
329
00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:36,995
Right, shoot.
330
00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:39,596
- Paper in every stall?
- Check.
331
00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:41,671
- Evacuation points cleaned?
- Check.
332
00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:43,637
- Even under the rim?
- Even under the rim.
333
00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:46,075
- Mirrors polished?
- Till you can see your face in them.
334
00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:47,160
Good work.
335
00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:52,150
I had to close off this urinal here
momentarily for cleaning purposes,
336
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:55,437
and, as you know, in this business when
that happens, the weak go to the wall.
337
00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:56,999
- Did you stop them?
- No problem.
338
00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:04,509
Good morning, sir.
339
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:08,590
Is this your first
visit to our facility?
340
00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:12,271
In which case, you
will be pleased to know
341
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:15,272
that the full-relief service
cubicles are situated to your right.
342
00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:17,510
The quick-service stalls
are this way, sir.
343
00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:31,318
Thank you for your custom, sir.
344
00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:33,752
Damn. Damn it!
345
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:36,798
Damn it, Peter, we're still not
attracting the right kind of client.
346
00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:38,029
I know, John.
347
00:19:38,120 --> 00:19:40,839
A lot of the more desirable
punters are going next door.
348
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:43,309
Well, why in hell's name
aren't they coming here?
349
00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:44,999
Because they're women, John.
350
00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:48,239
Damn it all,
Peter. I want you to go there and
351
00:19:48,263 --> 00:19:50,271
find out who's running
next door's operation.
352
00:19:50,360 --> 00:19:53,079
I already know who's running
next door's operation, John.
353
00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:55,355
It came as quite a
surprise, I can tell you.
354
00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:59,679
No. No. No, Peter. I
don't want to hear this.
355
00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:01,159
Yep, you guessed it.
356
00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:03,192
It's Marjorie, all right.
357
00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:05,475
Damn!
358
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:11,428
- Good evening. I am Robert Robinson.
- And my name is Robert Robinson.
359
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:13,193
Ah, we are...
360
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:14,952
The Robert Robinsons.
361
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:18,635
This is our hour.
That much is certain.
362
00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:22,838
Though tish, ah, nay, hush
and fourpence, Mr Dwyer.
363
00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:25,952
And an extra point
for being so clever.
364
00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:28,395
Would that it were,
would that it were.
365
00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:33,310
Ah, indeed. Would that it were,
Mr Charteris. Would that it were.
366
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:39,629
Ah, now here's a thing
that put pish and tish.
367
00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:44,079
I have a letter from a Mr Colin
Elgood of Carshalton Beeches,
368
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:48,472
who tells me that he always
turns his carrier bags inside out
369
00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:53,395
so as not to give free advertising
to Mr Sainsbury and men of his ilk.
370
00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:57,758
- Nay, men of his stamp.
- Men of his ilk, stamp and kidney.
371
00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:00,229
Your answer is
better, Mr Meredith.
372
00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:03,198
So much better, but
wrong, sadly wrong.
373
00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:06,313
And an extra mark
for being so clever.
374
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:11,229
Ah, someone has plumped.
Someone has plumped.
375
00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:13,072
Go on, Mr Harris,
have a plump, too.
376
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:16,630
But hish and tusk, it
only now remains for me
377
00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:20,713
to declare the Twee family
winners of our little game.
378
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:24,435
An extra point followed
by this round of applause.
379
00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:29,677
But, ah, the pity,
the pity of it.
380
00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:32,911
Time, our old enemy,
comes round again.
381
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:36,788
Ah, nish, tussock,
flip and fourpence.
382
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:39,713
- We bid you goodbye.
- We bid you farewell.
383
00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:42,758
But our hish, bish,
starp and trivock,
384
00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:45,673
not for long. Not for long.
385
00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:50,514
Goodbye.
386
00:21:51,360 --> 00:21:53,794
And do you know what
makes me really mad?
387
00:21:54,040 --> 00:21:56,759
It's this belief that
I'm John the Baptist.
388
00:21:58,160 --> 00:22:00,879
Well, the thing... Oh,
Christ, I've left the iron on.
389
00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:11,576
Hello, Control.
390
00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:13,914
Hello,
Tony. I'll be with you in a minute.
391
00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:18,718
I say, Control, that's
rather a splendid device.
392
00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:22,031
Where did you get that, if you don't
mind my prying into your affairs?
393
00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:25,790
I don't mind at all, Tony.
After all, you're only human.
394
00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:28,075
That's right, Control, I am.
395
00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:33,309
It's my birthday today and this
was a present from my sister Marie.
396
00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:36,913
I didn't know you had a
sister called Marie, Control.
397
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:40,754
Well, Marie is actually a
codename I've invented for her
398
00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:43,638
to prevent people from
discovering her real name.
399
00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:46,678
Ah, well, that's cleared
up that little confusion.
400
00:22:47,520 --> 00:22:49,556
Her real name is Maria.
401
00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:53,678
You are a wily old fox, Control.
402
00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:59,236
Anyway, this contraption
is called a telescupe.
403
00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:01,994
Telescupe?
404
00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:05,470
Yes, though I ought to point
out that that's also a codename.
405
00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:09,317
Say no more, Control. Hush-hush.
406
00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:12,995
Absolutely, though I don't think
I'd be speaking out of school
407
00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:16,052
if I said that this
device allows you to see
408
00:23:16,076 --> 00:23:18,736
quite clearly over
quite a long distance.
409
00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:20,553
Here, have a go.
410
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:23,395
Control, I don't
know what to say.
411
00:23:23,640 --> 00:23:25,358
Don't mention it, Tony.
412
00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:29,389
Have a look at that man there,
next to the telephone kiosk.
413
00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:32,229
Gosh, Control, you
weren't exaggerating
414
00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:35,995
when you said it allowed you to see
things quite clearly over a long distance.
415
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:38,794
That man could almost
be in the room with us.
416
00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:40,598
That's a true thing to say.
417
00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:43,672
But here's where the telescupe
comes in because Tony?
418
00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:46,354
- Mmm?
- That man isn't in the room with us.
419
00:23:47,640 --> 00:23:50,359
Well, I thought he wasn't in
the room with us, Control,
420
00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:53,193
but I must say it's nice to
have it confirmed by you.
421
00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:56,719
He's actually on the
other side of the street.
422
00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:59,473
Yes, Control, he's
looking this way and...
423
00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:01,029
Wait a minute.
424
00:24:01,120 --> 00:24:05,113
That man is looking at
us with a telescupe.
425
00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:09,193
Yes. It's my theory, Tony,
that he's an enemy agent
426
00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:12,397
charged with the task of
keeping us under surveillance.
427
00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:16,156
What a confounded
cheek, Control.
428
00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:19,198
I've a good mind to fetch a
policeman and have him moved on.
429
00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:22,039
Steady on, Tony, I've
got a better plan.
430
00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:26,838
Valerie was kind enough to go outside
and find out the number of the kiosk.
431
00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:32,633
Control, that man is going into the
kiosk and he's lifted up the receiver.
432
00:24:33,120 --> 00:24:35,475
Hello, enemy agent?
433
00:24:36,200 --> 00:24:37,792
It's Control here.
434
00:24:39,040 --> 00:24:40,553
Very well, thank you.
435
00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:44,793
Could you stop keeping us
under surveillance, please?
436
00:24:46,240 --> 00:24:47,275
Thank you.
437
00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:53,031
Control, your plan is working. He's
getting into a car and driving away.
438
00:24:53,640 --> 00:24:57,235
Another small but significant
victory for our side.
439
00:24:57,320 --> 00:24:59,231
Congratulations, Control.
440
00:24:59,720 --> 00:25:02,632
Now, you run along and
get a nice cup of coffee,
441
00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:05,996
and we'll pretend this whole
ugly incident never took place.
442
00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:09,837
- I can go one better than that, Control.
- Oh?
443
00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:15,719
♪ Happy birthday to Control
Happy birthday to Control ♪
444
00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:17,432
Oh, get along with you.
445
00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:20,591
Aren't you going
to open it, then?
446
00:25:21,040 --> 00:25:22,155
Bo!
447
00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:26,115
Ladies and gentlemen,
some very exciting news.
448
00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:30,591
Yes, absolutely. We have, ladies and
gentlemen, hit 1.6 on the big-o-meter.
449
00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:35,954
You, um...
450
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:39,992
you remember we told you earlier
about the large number of dogs
451
00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:41,911
that watch us here on A
Bit of Fry and Laurie?
452
00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:44,998
Yes, well, we're happy to
say that Irene, a red setter
453
00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:48,959
who lives in Lytham St Anne's
way down in... Surrey, is it?
454
00:25:49,040 --> 00:25:51,793
- Sussex, Lancashire...
- Devon, Wiltshire...
455
00:25:51,880 --> 00:25:55,555
Somewhere like that, anyway. Now, Irene
watches A Bit of Fry and Laurie every week,
456
00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:58,200
but in the last half hour
she's had five puppies.
457
00:25:58,280 --> 00:26:01,397
And the consequent boost
to our viewing figures
458
00:26:01,480 --> 00:26:03,789
has pushed us right
up into the high ones.
459
00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:05,029
- Yes.
- So, there we are.
460
00:26:05,120 --> 00:26:07,873
So, we are now, then, ladies
and gentlemen, officially big!
461
00:26:08,360 --> 00:26:11,079
Too big, I fear, to perform
our own sketches any more.
462
00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:14,516
That's right. Yes, our last sketch this
evening is going to be performed for us
463
00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:16,716
by a pair of young
South American actors.
464
00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:19,189
That's right. We're just going
to sit here and enjoy a drink
465
00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:22,158
while the sketch is done for
us by... well, servants really.
466
00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:23,719
- Servants. Yes, yes.
- Yes.
467
00:26:23,800 --> 00:26:26,189
- It's nice being big, isn't it?
- I love being big.
468
00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:27,315
- Big.
- Yes.
469
00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:28,799
- Come on, off you go.
- Yep.
470
00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:33,432
Hello, Mr Doli.
471
00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:37,629
Hello. What can I do for
you on this lovely day?
472
00:26:39,560 --> 00:26:44,190
Well, you know I
lent you my lawnmower
473
00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:46,511
some time ago?
474
00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:49,115
Yes.
475
00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:53,110
Could I have it back, please?
476
00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:56,475
But I haven't wiped it yet.
477
00:26:57,800 --> 00:26:58,949
Oh, dear.
478
00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:02,715
How long will it
take you to wipe it?
479
00:27:03,640 --> 00:27:07,792
Well, if I'm going to wipe
it properly, about two weeks.
480
00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:10,913
Yours is very good, isn't he?
481
00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:13,616
Oh, he's marvellous, a godsend. I
don't know what I'd do without him.
482
00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:16,279
- No, I don't blame you, I don't blame you.
- Marvellous.
483
00:27:17,480 --> 00:27:19,856
- Oh, wait a minute. It's coming through.
- This could be it.
484
00:27:19,880 --> 00:27:21,518
Manuel, Fernandez,
485
00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:23,401
if you'd like to bow
to the audience and
486
00:27:23,425 --> 00:27:24,976
then off you go. We
won't need you any more.
487
00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:27,594
- Yep. Thank you.
- All right? Bow to the audience.
488
00:27:30,600 --> 00:27:34,229
Now, ladies and gentlemen, the
moment we've all been waiting for.
489
00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:37,392
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we are
now being joined live by satellite
490
00:27:37,480 --> 00:27:40,790
- by Mr Marlon Brando! Yes!
- Oh, yes! How exciting.
491
00:27:40,880 --> 00:27:45,510
Hello there, good evening,
Marlon. How are you doing, my man?
492
00:27:50,120 --> 00:27:53,715
- Bit quiet, isn't he?
- No, no, Hugh. Not quiet, never quiet.
493
00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:58,032
Merely sullen, brooding, and possessed
of an intense silent charisma.
494
00:27:58,640 --> 00:27:59,834
- Quiet.
- Yes.
495
00:28:01,120 --> 00:28:05,159
Marlon, do you know who you're talking
to here? Do you know who we are?
496
00:28:06,280 --> 00:28:09,352
- He's still not moving his lips, Stephen.
- When you're as big as Marlon,
497
00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:12,136
you don't have to move your lips. You
get someone else to move them for you.
498
00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:14,816
- Like we have people doing our...
- Our sketches, yes. That's right.
499
00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:16,796
Marlon, Marlon, it's
the biggies talking.
500
00:28:16,880 --> 00:28:18,518
You know who we are?
501
00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:19,999
Good evening to you.
502
00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:22,910
Well, good evening to you, sir.
503
00:28:24,600 --> 00:28:27,910
Hey, you're Little
and Large, right?
504
00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:31,474
- Uh, well...
- Yes, yes, that's right. Yes, we are.
505
00:28:31,560 --> 00:28:33,835
- Little and Large, that's quite right.
- Gotta go now.
506
00:28:34,360 --> 00:28:35,588
- Ah.
- Ah, well.
507
00:28:35,680 --> 00:28:37,318
Well, goodbye, Marlon.
508
00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:40,915
And goodbye to you all from
A Bit of Little and Large.
509
00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:42,274
Bye-bye.
39297
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