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1
00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:05,373
[ whistling sprightly tune ]
2
00:00:31,165 --> 00:00:33,067
Hold it, hold it, hold it!
3
00:00:33,101 --> 00:00:34,302
Where you going?
4
00:00:34,335 --> 00:00:35,769
You ain't supposed to move
5
00:00:35,803 --> 00:00:38,772
Until I turn the other side
Of this sign what say go.
6
00:00:38,806 --> 00:00:41,709
I can tell it say go
'cause it's green, pure green.
7
00:00:41,742 --> 00:00:43,144
See there?
8
00:00:43,177 --> 00:00:44,345
Now, get, you!
9
00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:45,513
Go on, get!
10
00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:47,648
Don't ever let me
See you again!
11
00:00:47,681 --> 00:00:49,049
Go on! Get!
12
00:00:50,318 --> 00:00:53,121
Hey, stop, you! Can't you see
I'm holdin' up the rosy red?!
13
00:00:53,154 --> 00:00:54,222
Stop, you, stop!
14
00:00:54,255 --> 00:00:55,556
Stop, you criminal, you!
15
00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:56,757
Come on, stop, you!
16
00:00:56,790 --> 00:00:58,826
I'm gonna get you
For that, you...!
17
00:00:58,859 --> 00:01:01,295
Ernest t., quit throwing
Rocks at that car!
18
00:01:01,329 --> 00:01:02,730
He wouldn't stop!
19
00:01:02,763 --> 00:01:04,598
I had up the rosy red.
I didn't have up the pure green.
20
00:01:04,632 --> 00:01:07,201
In the first place, you
Didn't see him coming
21
00:01:07,235 --> 00:01:09,770
In the second place, you
Don't throw rocks at cars!
22
00:01:09,803 --> 00:01:12,106
You think I wanted
To throw them rocks?
23
00:01:12,140 --> 00:01:14,275
Them was my bestest rocks.
Look at them!
24
00:01:14,308 --> 00:01:16,110
Ernest t., I gave
You this job
25
00:01:16,144 --> 00:01:17,711
And I'm telling
You right now
26
00:01:17,745 --> 00:01:19,447
If you throw
Any more rocks
27
00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:20,714
I'm going to fire you.
28
00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:22,616
You dice 'em?
I do dice 'em!
29
00:01:22,650 --> 00:01:23,851
If you fire me
30
00:01:23,884 --> 00:01:26,220
I can't marry up
With my beautiful romeena!
31
00:01:26,254 --> 00:01:27,355
Why?
32
00:01:27,388 --> 00:01:29,457
Because I need $12
For the honeymoon.
33
00:01:29,490 --> 00:01:30,658
Tents cost money--
34
00:01:30,691 --> 00:01:32,493
Something fierce,
You know.
35
00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:34,195
Gonna get a lantern, too.
36
00:01:34,228 --> 00:01:36,197
You better remember
What I said.
37
00:01:36,230 --> 00:01:37,365
Oh, I will, I will.
38
00:01:37,398 --> 00:01:38,499
Sheriff, I declare
39
00:01:38,532 --> 00:01:40,501
I'm so ashamed,
I'm about to cry.
40
00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:42,336
Well, don't cry.
All right.
41
00:01:42,370 --> 00:01:44,505
You and romeena getting
Married soon?
42
00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:45,806
Yep. Right soon.
43
00:01:45,839 --> 00:01:48,376
Her girlfriends are
Giving her a shower.
44
00:01:48,409 --> 00:01:50,378
That's nice.
A lot of gifts.
45
00:01:50,411 --> 00:01:52,546
Just a plain
Hot-water shower.
46
00:01:52,580 --> 00:01:54,148
Well, ernest t.
47
00:01:54,182 --> 00:01:56,384
I'm glad you're going
To marry romeena
48
00:01:56,417 --> 00:01:58,519
But I'm telling
You right now
49
00:01:58,552 --> 00:02:00,721
If you throw
One more rock...
50
00:02:00,754 --> 00:02:02,790
I give you my word,
Sheriff
51
00:02:02,823 --> 00:02:05,259
I wouldn't throw
One more rock.
52
00:02:05,293 --> 00:02:06,527
Good.
53
00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:12,700
Didn't say nothin'
'bout no brick.
54
00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:14,635
[ laughing ]
55
00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:20,408
[ horn honks ]
56
00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:25,213
[ tires screeching,
Horn honking ]
57
00:02:25,246 --> 00:02:28,716
[ tires screeching, crashing ]
58
00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:34,855
[ english accent ]
Dreadfully sorry, sir.
59
00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:36,724
It's entirely my fault.
60
00:02:36,757 --> 00:02:39,327
Well,
Malcolm merriweather!
61
00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:40,628
Hello, sheriff.
62
00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:42,396
You're looking fine.
63
00:02:42,430 --> 00:02:43,731
Why, thank you.
64
00:02:43,764 --> 00:02:46,400
It's nice of you
To say that.
65
00:02:46,434 --> 00:02:47,501
Are you hurt?
66
00:02:47,535 --> 00:02:49,737
No, not a scratch.
67
00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:52,640
Oh, good. Decide to pay us
A little visit, huh?
68
00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:55,276
One never quite forgets
Mayberry, you know.
69
00:02:55,309 --> 00:02:56,810
Such a charming little town.
70
00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:59,413
[ chuckles ]
We like it.
71
00:02:59,447 --> 00:03:00,748
Help you down?
72
00:03:00,781 --> 00:03:02,683
Oh, thank you very much.
73
00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:04,452
Here. Got it.
74
00:03:04,485 --> 00:03:05,819
Right, yes.
75
00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:07,421
Okay, okay.
76
00:03:07,455 --> 00:03:08,889
There we go.
77
00:03:08,922 --> 00:03:10,524
[ sighs ]
78
00:03:10,558 --> 00:03:12,526
There we are.
79
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,228
Always so gracious.
80
00:03:14,262 --> 00:03:15,496
Well, we'll see you.
81
00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:17,798
Gee, you're just looking
Just marvelous.
82
00:03:17,831 --> 00:03:20,334
Thanks. I've tried
To stay fit, you know.
83
00:03:20,368 --> 00:03:22,503
Here on another
Little vacation, huh?
84
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:23,771
As a matter of fact
85
00:03:23,804 --> 00:03:25,906
I'm planning to stay
A bit this time
86
00:03:25,939 --> 00:03:28,276
And try me hand at
Being an american.
87
00:03:28,309 --> 00:03:30,544
You're not figuring
On settling in mayberry?
88
00:03:30,578 --> 00:03:33,247
Well, I've never met
Friendlier folks anywhere.
89
00:03:33,281 --> 00:03:36,517
Well, isn't that the nicest
Thing you ever heard of?
90
00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:39,487
Mind you, I have no intention
Of sponging while I'm here.
91
00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:40,921
I plan to make me own way
92
00:03:40,954 --> 00:03:43,524
Get some sort of position
For meself, pull me weight.
93
00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:45,426
Malcolm merriweather
Always pays.
94
00:03:45,459 --> 00:03:47,495
Why don't we just go
In the barbershop
95
00:03:47,528 --> 00:03:48,929
And look at the bulletin board
96
00:03:48,962 --> 00:03:50,798
And see if we see
Any jobs listed?
97
00:03:50,831 --> 00:03:52,933
Aren't you kind.
Aren't you kind.
98
00:03:52,966 --> 00:03:54,468
Well...
99
00:03:54,502 --> 00:03:55,803
Uh, seamstress?
100
00:03:55,836 --> 00:03:57,305
Uh, no, no, no.
101
00:03:57,338 --> 00:03:58,572
Hairdresser-- no.
102
00:03:58,606 --> 00:04:01,575
Oh, say. Fletch roberts
Over at the depot
103
00:04:01,609 --> 00:04:03,411
He needs a bookkeeper.
104
00:04:03,444 --> 00:04:06,280
You know anything
About bookkeeping?
105
00:04:06,314 --> 00:04:07,581
Not the foggiest, no.
106
00:04:07,615 --> 00:04:09,883
Maybe we better go at it
The other way around.
107
00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:11,352
What do you know about?
108
00:04:11,385 --> 00:04:13,020
Well, the usual things,
You know.
109
00:04:13,053 --> 00:04:14,488
Um, last six years
110
00:04:14,522 --> 00:04:16,023
I was
A gentlemen's gentleman
111
00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:17,725
To the colonel--
His valet.
112
00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:18,992
A valet.
113
00:04:19,026 --> 00:04:20,461
A valet?
114
00:04:20,494 --> 00:04:22,062
Well, valet, valet...
115
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:24,998
There don't seem
To be anything today.
116
00:04:25,032 --> 00:04:27,000
What else do you
Know, malcolm?
117
00:04:27,034 --> 00:04:29,737
Well, I know how to keep
Wine cellars stocked
118
00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:31,572
And, um...
Oh, yes, yes.
119
00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:33,541
I took care
Of hunting birds--
120
00:04:33,574 --> 00:04:34,808
Falcons, you know.
121
00:04:34,842 --> 00:04:36,577
You were a
Falcon keeper?
122
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:37,911
Falcon keeper.
123
00:04:37,945 --> 00:04:40,648
Falcon... Falcon keeper,
Falcon keeper...
124
00:04:40,681 --> 00:04:43,384
Well, there don't
Seem to be anything
125
00:04:43,417 --> 00:04:45,319
For falcon keepers just now
126
00:04:45,353 --> 00:04:48,656
But the first thing that
Comes in for falcon keeping
127
00:04:48,689 --> 00:04:50,658
I won't give it to no one else.
128
00:04:50,691 --> 00:04:53,327
I'm sure something
Will turn up.
129
00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:55,463
Oh, sure it will.
130
00:04:55,496 --> 00:04:56,730
Hi, andy, floyd.
131
00:04:56,764 --> 00:04:57,998
Oh, hey, goober.
132
00:04:58,031 --> 00:04:59,733
Malcolm, you
Remember goober
133
00:04:59,767 --> 00:05:01,602
Who works over at
The filling station.
134
00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:03,871
Oh, most certainly.
How do you do, goober?
135
00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:05,072
Hey, malcolm.
136
00:05:05,105 --> 00:05:06,940
I was the first
One to see you
137
00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:08,842
When you rode
Past the station.
138
00:05:08,876 --> 00:05:11,745
Saw you before anybody--
Floyd, andy-- any of them.
139
00:05:11,779 --> 00:05:13,847
I seen you first
Just pedaling along.
140
00:05:13,881 --> 00:05:15,483
Oh, you did?
Yep.
141
00:05:15,516 --> 00:05:17,785
You need any help
At the filling station?
142
00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:19,620
Mean to tell you
We're busy.
143
00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:21,021
Malcolm is looking
For work.
144
00:05:21,054 --> 00:05:22,623
You know anything
About cars?
145
00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:23,957
Oh, yes.
I was quite a hand
146
00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:25,693
At tinkering
With the family car.
147
00:05:25,726 --> 00:05:28,629
Well, what sort of work
Did you do on the family car?
148
00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,431
Well, general things,
You know.
149
00:05:30,464 --> 00:05:33,000
I took care of all the
Mechanicism under the bonnet.
150
00:05:34,735 --> 00:05:36,604
Well, I guess that
Means "Hood."
151
00:05:36,637 --> 00:05:39,072
And on occasion, I'd adjust
The anti-bound slips
152
00:05:39,106 --> 00:05:41,709
Or take a ding out of the wing
On the drop head
153
00:05:41,742 --> 00:05:44,778
And if need be, I could always
Dickey up the hooter, too.
154
00:05:44,812 --> 00:05:47,948
You say you'd dickey up
The hooter?
155
00:05:49,149 --> 00:05:51,385
Well.
156
00:05:54,722 --> 00:05:58,125
Ernest t.:
I'm going to get you!
157
00:05:58,158 --> 00:06:00,628
Hold up!
You want to hold up, there!
158
00:06:03,764 --> 00:06:04,865
[ shouting ]
159
00:06:04,898 --> 00:06:05,999
Ernest t.!
160
00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:07,468
Oh, howdy, sheriff.
161
00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:09,870
Mighty nice of you to
Come visit with me.
162
00:06:09,903 --> 00:06:11,505
Ernest t.,
I warned you.
163
00:06:11,539 --> 00:06:13,907
You said rocks.
Didn't say nothing
About no bricks.
164
00:06:13,941 --> 00:06:15,809
You knew what I meant.
You're fired.
165
00:06:15,843 --> 00:06:17,545
Oh, sheriff,
You're funnin' me.
166
00:06:17,578 --> 00:06:19,980
I was never more serious
In my life.
167
00:06:20,013 --> 00:06:22,450
Sheriff, if you
Fire me, I'll
Become your enemy
168
00:06:22,483 --> 00:06:24,452
Your sworn enemy for
Life, ever and ever.
169
00:06:24,485 --> 00:06:25,653
Give me the cap.
170
00:06:25,686 --> 00:06:27,187
My cap? Oh, no, you
Can't have that cap.
171
00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:29,056
Give me the cap.
No, you can't have my...
172
00:06:29,089 --> 00:06:31,892
I wouldn't let
You have my cap.
173
00:06:31,925 --> 00:06:33,861
You can't have my...
174
00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:35,062
Cap.
175
00:06:35,095 --> 00:06:36,564
Oh, you done
Took my cap
176
00:06:36,597 --> 00:06:38,165
Which is the symbol
Of my profession.
177
00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:39,933
Pick up your money
At the courthouse.
178
00:06:39,967 --> 00:06:41,469
How much it
Going to be?
179
00:06:41,502 --> 00:06:43,003
Well, it's not
Going to be $12
180
00:06:43,036 --> 00:06:44,104
I can tell you that.
181
00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:46,006
Will it be
At least $16?
182
00:06:46,039 --> 00:06:47,475
No, more like $5.
183
00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:48,909
You just started.
184
00:06:48,942 --> 00:06:51,612
That ain't enough for no
Tent nor no lantern, $5.
185
00:06:51,645 --> 00:06:54,047
I think I'll get me
A job as a doctor.
186
00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:57,050
All right, ernest t.,
You don't work here anymore
187
00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:59,987
So just take your sack
And go on back to the woods.
188
00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:01,589
All right, sheriff.
189
00:07:01,622 --> 00:07:03,924
Seeing as how I got
One more brick left
190
00:07:03,957 --> 00:07:06,694
It's a sin to be wasteful!
191
00:07:06,727 --> 00:07:08,028
[ laughing ]
192
00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:10,498
[ glass breaking ]
193
00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:19,473
Well, andy,
I really feel
194
00:07:19,507 --> 00:07:21,475
This is matching
The man to the job.
195
00:07:21,509 --> 00:07:22,676
Good.
196
00:07:22,710 --> 00:07:23,944
I was in the coldstream
Guard, you know.
197
00:07:23,977 --> 00:07:25,713
I didn't know that.
198
00:07:25,746 --> 00:07:29,016
Oh, yes. I was valet
To the commanding
Officer, of course.
199
00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:31,118
Mind you, if there'd
Been any fighting
200
00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:34,021
You can bet a bob I'd have
Been in the thick of it.
201
00:07:34,054 --> 00:07:36,156
'course you would,
'course you would.
202
00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:37,525
Hi, sheriff taylor.
203
00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:38,692
Hi, sheriff taylor.
204
00:07:38,726 --> 00:07:40,794
Oh, hi, boys.
I'd like you to meet
205
00:07:40,828 --> 00:07:42,162
Mr. Malcolm merriweather.
206
00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:44,231
He's going to be
In charge of the crossing.
207
00:07:44,264 --> 00:07:45,533
Hello, lads.
208
00:07:45,566 --> 00:07:46,700
Boys:
Hi.
209
00:07:46,734 --> 00:07:48,902
Now, mr. Merriweather's
A real expert
210
00:07:48,936 --> 00:07:50,170
At this kind of thing
211
00:07:50,203 --> 00:07:52,239
So you do exactly
As he says, okay?
212
00:07:52,272 --> 00:07:53,941
Boys:
Yes, sir.
213
00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:56,944
See, he was with a very
Famous regiment in england
214
00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:58,245
Called
The coldstream guards
215
00:07:58,278 --> 00:08:00,681
So you pay close
Attention, right?
216
00:08:00,714 --> 00:08:01,949
Boys:
Right.
217
00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:03,116
Right.
218
00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:05,586
Okay, malcolm, I guess
That's about it.
219
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:10,023
Oh.
220
00:08:10,057 --> 00:08:11,124
Right.
221
00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:12,593
Okay. Bye, boys.
222
00:08:12,626 --> 00:08:13,861
Boys:
Bye.
223
00:08:13,894 --> 00:08:16,129
All right, lads,
Now, you stay there
224
00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:18,766
While I see
If the road is clear.
225
00:08:38,051 --> 00:08:39,286
Come on, men!
226
00:08:39,319 --> 00:08:41,555
Proceed in close order!
227
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:09,182
That malcolm's
Really something.
228
00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:11,619
He's a cold-cream guard,
You know.
229
00:09:11,652 --> 00:09:14,655
He is?
I didn't know that.
230
00:09:14,688 --> 00:09:17,024
Yeah, them cold-cream guards
Are fearless.
231
00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:20,060
They are?
232
00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:34,875
Malcolm's something,
All right.
233
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:38,078
All them english sure
Are interesting people.
234
00:09:38,111 --> 00:09:40,213
Did you know cary grant
Was english?
235
00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:43,083
He was?
He was english, huh?
236
00:09:43,116 --> 00:09:44,885
I do a imitation of him.
237
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:46,153
Malcolm?
238
00:09:46,186 --> 00:09:48,155
No, cary grant.
239
00:09:48,188 --> 00:09:49,623
Listen.
240
00:09:49,657 --> 00:09:51,825
Judy, judy, judy.
241
00:09:51,859 --> 00:09:54,161
Cary grant said that?
242
00:09:54,194 --> 00:09:55,362
Yeah.
243
00:09:55,395 --> 00:09:57,097
What was he driving at?
244
00:09:57,130 --> 00:09:59,232
He wasn't driving
At nothing.
245
00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:02,235
That was a girl's name
In a picture-- judy.
246
00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:04,104
Oh, that's a pretty name.
247
00:10:04,137 --> 00:10:06,774
That's a lovely
Name, yeah.
248
00:10:06,807 --> 00:10:07,841
Mmm.
249
00:10:16,149 --> 00:10:17,785
Who is that? Who that?
250
00:10:17,818 --> 00:10:19,920
That's the feller
That took your job.
251
00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:21,689
Malcolm merriweather.
252
00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:26,259
That's the feller
That took my job?
253
00:10:31,364 --> 00:10:33,734
Looks like a octopus.
254
00:10:42,375 --> 00:10:44,311
Certainly enjoying
This position
255
00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:46,680
Looking after all
The lovely children.
256
00:10:46,714 --> 00:10:48,181
Seeing they
Get home safe
257
00:10:48,215 --> 00:10:50,017
To their mommies
And daddies.
258
00:10:50,050 --> 00:10:52,019
[ growling ]
259
00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:54,688
Oh, hello.
260
00:10:54,722 --> 00:10:57,390
Another one of mayberry's
Proud citizens, I presume.
261
00:10:57,424 --> 00:10:58,892
I don't believe I've had
262
00:10:58,926 --> 00:11:01,328
The pleasure of your
Acquaintance, old chap.
263
00:11:01,361 --> 00:11:03,130
English!
You're english!
264
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:06,099
I could tell by the way you
Slither through them words.
265
00:11:06,133 --> 00:11:08,068
Nothing wrong
With a man being english.
266
00:11:08,101 --> 00:11:09,436
They is if'n
You're irish.
267
00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:11,304
My pa and ma
Were both irish
268
00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:14,207
And that makes me irish
Since I sprung off on 'em.
269
00:11:14,241 --> 00:11:16,977
I am the proud product
Of their marital bliss.
270
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:18,345
You englishter.
271
00:11:18,378 --> 00:11:20,147
You done took my job.
272
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:23,050
You ruined my matrimony
To my beloved romeena.
273
00:11:23,083 --> 00:11:24,451
You englishter.
274
00:11:24,484 --> 00:11:28,355
You low down, ornery,
No good, skunky englishter.
275
00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:31,358
Hey, now, that's being
Rather impolite.
276
00:11:31,391 --> 00:11:34,962
I am polite to my besters,
And y are my worsters.
277
00:11:34,995 --> 00:11:36,797
You know what else?
278
00:11:36,830 --> 00:11:38,732
I am going
To whup up on you.
279
00:11:38,766 --> 00:11:40,500
Now, leave him
Alone, ernest t.!
280
00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:41,835
Ernest t.!
281
00:11:41,869 --> 00:11:43,103
I'm going to whup you!
282
00:11:43,136 --> 00:11:44,237
Come on, fight!
283
00:11:44,271 --> 00:11:45,505
Leave him alone,
Ernest t.
284
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:46,840
Ernest t.,
Go on home!
285
00:11:46,874 --> 00:11:49,309
Stop that! Stop it!
286
00:11:49,342 --> 00:11:51,779
Come on, come on.
287
00:11:51,812 --> 00:11:52,846
Come on and fight!
288
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:53,981
Put up your knuckles!
289
00:11:54,014 --> 00:11:55,182
Get!
290
00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:57,050
Look at him!
He don't do nothing.
291
00:11:57,084 --> 00:11:59,286
He just stand there
Whuppin' at me with his hat.
292
00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:00,854
Come on, fight, you!
293
00:12:00,888 --> 00:12:03,523
I never did fight no man,
Bear, nor mountain lion
294
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:05,158
What didn't defend hisself!
295
00:12:05,192 --> 00:12:06,326
See here, now!
296
00:12:06,359 --> 00:12:08,862
All right,
If you don't defend yourself
297
00:12:08,896 --> 00:12:10,230
I'm going to jump on you.
298
00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:11,799
I'm going to get up here
299
00:12:11,832 --> 00:12:14,067
And I'm going
To let you have it, now.
300
00:12:14,101 --> 00:12:15,769
One, two, and a three! Hey!
301
00:12:17,504 --> 00:12:19,940
Come on back here
And fight, you!
302
00:12:19,973 --> 00:12:21,208
I'm warning you!
303
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:22,475
Today is thursday.
304
00:12:22,509 --> 00:12:24,477
If you're still
Here on...
305
00:12:24,511 --> 00:12:26,880
What's the day
After thursday?
306
00:12:26,914 --> 00:12:27,948
Friday.
307
00:12:27,981 --> 00:12:29,817
If you're still
Here on friday--
308
00:12:29,850 --> 00:12:31,518
Which is the day
After thursday--
309
00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:33,821
I'm going to whup
The fire out of you!
310
00:12:50,537 --> 00:12:52,539
You ought to have
Seen it, andy.
311
00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:54,507
Well, what did ernest t. Do?
312
00:12:54,541 --> 00:12:55,976
Hold it, andy.
313
00:12:56,009 --> 00:12:57,377
Tighten that lower lip.
314
00:12:57,410 --> 00:12:58,846
There...
315
00:12:58,879 --> 00:13:01,114
Now, try and move it around
A little bit.
316
00:13:01,148 --> 00:13:02,850
Feel all right?
Mm-hmm.
317
00:13:02,883 --> 00:13:05,385
Well, that's good,
'cause it's kind of tricky.
318
00:13:05,418 --> 00:13:06,920
What did ernest t. Do?
319
00:13:06,954 --> 00:13:09,189
Malcolm was walking
Across the street
320
00:13:09,222 --> 00:13:10,457
Like a cold-cream
Guard...
321
00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:11,825
Coldstream.
322
00:13:11,859 --> 00:13:13,460
And ernest t. Called
Him an englishter
323
00:13:13,493 --> 00:13:15,328
And tried to fight
Him right there.
324
00:13:15,362 --> 00:13:16,830
Tried to fight him?
325
00:13:16,864 --> 00:13:18,198
Yeah, 'cause he's english.
326
00:13:18,231 --> 00:13:20,500
Well, ernest t. Could kill him.
Did they fight?
327
00:13:20,533 --> 00:13:22,535
No, but the last thing
Ernest t. Said was
328
00:13:22,569 --> 00:13:25,005
If he's in town tomorrow,
He's going to whup him.
329
00:13:25,038 --> 00:13:27,140
You think he'll go
Or you think he'll stay?
330
00:13:27,174 --> 00:13:29,342
I don't know.
What do you
Think, andy?
331
00:13:29,376 --> 00:13:30,810
Hurry up, floyd.
332
00:13:35,248 --> 00:13:36,917
Boy:
All right, men
333
00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:39,252
Proceed in close order.
334
00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:09,416
Hey, goober?
335
00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:12,152
Goober, malcolm in there?
336
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:13,253
Hey, andy. Yeah.
337
00:14:13,286 --> 00:14:14,521
Hello, sheriff.
338
00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:16,323
What's all this stuff
Doing on your bicycle?
339
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:18,258
Are you leaving
Town or something?
340
00:14:18,291 --> 00:14:19,927
Well, it had
Occurred to me
341
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,661
But there's been
A change of plan.
342
00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:23,030
I'm... I'm staying on.
343
00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:25,065
Well, I'm glad to
Hear that, malcolm.
344
00:14:25,098 --> 00:14:27,134
I might have to do
A bit of fighting
345
00:14:27,167 --> 00:14:28,568
But it's all in a day's work.
346
00:14:28,601 --> 00:14:30,037
Now, wait a minute, malcolm.
347
00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:31,671
I'll take care
Of ernest t. Bass.
348
00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:34,674
No, please. We've already
Dispatched a runner to the hills
349
00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:36,409
Informing him that I'm staying.
350
00:14:36,443 --> 00:14:37,544
Now, listen...
351
00:14:37,577 --> 00:14:39,412
If he wants to do
Anything about it
352
00:14:39,446 --> 00:14:42,182
I'm prepared to give him
Satisfaction at noon tomorrow.
353
00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:44,151
He wants to fight
In back of the garage.
354
00:14:44,184 --> 00:14:45,152
No fighting.
355
00:14:45,185 --> 00:14:47,020
No fighting.
No, andy, please
356
00:14:47,054 --> 00:14:49,957
This whole matter has become
Rather important to me.
357
00:14:49,990 --> 00:14:51,424
He wants me
To train him.
358
00:14:51,458 --> 00:14:52,993
Listen, malcolm...
359
00:14:53,026 --> 00:14:55,328
Why, with all my cycling,
I'm as fit as a fiddle.
360
00:14:55,362 --> 00:14:58,498
Just need a little brushing up
On me technique, that's all.
361
00:14:58,531 --> 00:15:00,400
I'll go and get
The equipment.
362
00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:02,535
You don't seem
To understand, malcolm
363
00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:04,071
I can't let you
Go through with this.
364
00:15:04,104 --> 00:15:05,305
Andy...
365
00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:08,241
There comes a time
When a man has to fight
366
00:15:08,275 --> 00:15:11,211
And if remaining in mayberry
Means fighting mr. Bass
367
00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:12,579
That is it.
368
00:15:14,181 --> 00:15:15,582
Ernest t. Will kill him.
369
00:15:15,615 --> 00:15:18,418
I'll teach malcolm
Everything I know, andy.
370
00:15:18,451 --> 00:15:21,521
You know, I used to be a
Bully when I was younger.
371
00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:25,358
Ernest t. Will kill him.
372
00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:35,302
Ernest t.!
373
00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:38,671
Ernest t. Bass!
374
00:15:45,512 --> 00:15:48,581
Hey, quit throwing rocks,
Ernest t.!
375
00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:50,583
It's me, sheriff taylor!
376
00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:52,352
Come on up, sheriff!
377
00:15:52,385 --> 00:15:55,555
I thought it was
The widow bradshaw.
378
00:16:06,233 --> 00:16:08,035
Howdy, sheriff.
379
00:16:08,068 --> 00:16:10,437
I'm in training for the fight.
380
00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:26,653
Ernest t., I want you
To call off this fight.
381
00:16:26,686 --> 00:16:29,456
Now, look here, I ain't
A-callin' off nothin'!
382
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:32,459
That englishter has just
About ruined my life.
383
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,427
If by any chance
He happens to be
384
00:16:34,461 --> 00:16:36,663
Behind that garage
Tomorrow at high noon--
385
00:16:36,696 --> 00:16:39,699
Which I do doubt--
I'm going to fling
Myself at him...
386
00:16:39,732 --> 00:16:41,568
All 112 beautiful
Pounds of me.
387
00:16:41,601 --> 00:16:43,070
Now, listen, ernest t....
388
00:16:43,103 --> 00:16:44,337
I already beat up on him
389
00:16:44,371 --> 00:16:46,406
Here on this bag
Five times already.
390
00:16:46,439 --> 00:16:47,707
Ernest t., quit a minute!
391
00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:49,409
Suppose I was to tell you
392
00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:52,312
That I would just throw you
In jail if you don't back off.
393
00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:54,181
Wouldn't make me
No never mind.
394
00:16:54,214 --> 00:16:56,116
I likes a little high
Living now and again.
395
00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:57,717
You may not believe this
396
00:16:57,750 --> 00:17:00,787
But I happen to be
Nothing but a little
Old country boy.
397
00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:02,689
So I'd have some
Second thoughts
398
00:17:02,722 --> 00:17:04,457
About calling off
That fight.
399
00:17:04,491 --> 00:17:06,259
Seeing's the way
Malcolm feels
400
00:17:06,293 --> 00:17:07,460
I don't see how I can.
401
00:17:07,494 --> 00:17:09,196
You're sweet.
402
00:17:09,229 --> 00:17:12,065
Sheriff, you are sweet.
403
00:17:12,099 --> 00:17:14,601
Now, as I understand it,
The idea would be
404
00:17:14,634 --> 00:17:17,504
To strike him at the base
Of the chin, if possible.
405
00:17:17,537 --> 00:17:21,374
No, malcolm. In the mouth.
Right in the mouth.
406
00:17:21,408 --> 00:17:25,078
Now,
Put your left out.
407
00:17:25,112 --> 00:17:27,414
Malcolm, this one --
Your left.
408
00:17:27,447 --> 00:17:29,182
Your right back.
409
00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:31,751
Now, I'm gonna try to hit you,
And I want you to block it.
410
00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:33,253
All right?
Yeah.
411
00:17:33,286 --> 00:17:34,821
Now, here we go.
412
00:17:36,789 --> 00:17:38,791
Here it comes, now.
413
00:17:42,695 --> 00:17:44,331
How was that?
414
00:17:44,364 --> 00:17:46,366
Oh, that's good, malcolm,
Real good.
415
00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:47,700
You're improving.
416
00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:49,369
I didn't hurt you,
Did I?
417
00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:51,471
No. But, malcolm,
There's one little thing
418
00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:52,805
You got to remember.
419
00:17:52,839 --> 00:17:54,807
When you see the right
Coming at you,
420
00:17:54,841 --> 00:17:57,344
Shove it out of the way.
421
00:17:57,377 --> 00:17:59,879
Oh, I see!
422
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:03,183
What a capital idea!
Yes!
423
00:18:03,216 --> 00:18:05,652
[ laughs ]
424
00:18:05,685 --> 00:18:08,821
Well, it looks like
You all are hard at it.
425
00:18:08,855 --> 00:18:10,223
How's it coming?
426
00:18:10,257 --> 00:18:12,125
Smashing,
Just smashing.
427
00:18:12,159 --> 00:18:13,293
Eh, goober?
428
00:18:13,326 --> 00:18:15,862
Oh, yeah, malcolm,
Uh, good, real good.
429
00:18:15,895 --> 00:18:17,897
You better go
Skip some rope now.
430
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:19,132
Right.
431
00:18:19,166 --> 00:18:21,301
Andy...
432
00:18:21,334 --> 00:18:23,336
How's it coming?
433
00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:25,338
Goober:
That's the
Way, malcolm.
434
00:18:25,372 --> 00:18:26,839
He's going to get killed.
435
00:18:26,873 --> 00:18:29,176
I thought you
Were teaching him.
436
00:18:29,209 --> 00:18:31,378
I'd just as soon
Teach my grandma.
437
00:18:31,411 --> 00:18:33,880
Lost a bit of me rhythm.
438
00:18:33,913 --> 00:18:35,782
I'm afraid he's going
To strangle himself
439
00:18:35,815 --> 00:18:37,250
Before the fight.
440
00:18:37,284 --> 00:18:38,451
Untie yourself, malcolm.
441
00:18:38,485 --> 00:18:39,719
Work on the punching bag.
442
00:18:39,752 --> 00:18:41,454
He's going to get killed.
443
00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:52,332
Well, andy,
All I can say is
444
00:18:52,365 --> 00:18:54,367
If this fight
Goes on tomorrow
445
00:18:54,401 --> 00:18:55,868
Malcolm may not get killed
446
00:18:55,902 --> 00:18:58,571
But he's sure ever more
Gonna get bruised.
447
00:18:59,872 --> 00:19:02,675
It's a crime,
It's just a crime.
448
00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:04,877
I hope malcolm
Don't show up.
449
00:19:04,911 --> 00:19:05,878
Yeah.
450
00:19:05,912 --> 00:19:07,380
Maybe he won't.
451
00:19:07,414 --> 00:19:09,349
It'd be the
Best thing
452
00:19:09,382 --> 00:19:10,683
But... It's 12:00.
453
00:19:10,717 --> 00:19:13,620
Malcolm, don't come
Through that gate.
454
00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:16,656
Please don't come
Through that gate.
455
00:19:22,529 --> 00:19:23,930
Gentlemen.
456
00:19:28,268 --> 00:19:30,803
Malcolm, I can't let you
Go through with this.
457
00:19:30,837 --> 00:19:33,340
Stand back. The challenge
Has been made
458
00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:34,741
And has been accepted.
459
00:19:39,379 --> 00:19:41,514
Malcolm, do you remember
Everything I told you?
460
00:19:41,548 --> 00:19:42,815
I think so, yes.
461
00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:44,917
All right, now, the main thing
To do is retreat
462
00:19:44,951 --> 00:19:47,387
And keep retreating,
And if he comes near you
463
00:19:47,420 --> 00:19:49,756
Retreat some more...
And keep your face covered.
464
00:19:49,789 --> 00:19:50,990
Keep everything covered.
465
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:53,626
Just retreat
And stay covered.
466
00:19:53,660 --> 00:19:56,796
I brought this towel
Over from the shop.
467
00:19:56,829 --> 00:20:00,567
I'd like to throw it in
Before the fight starts.
468
00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:03,703
Uh... Painkillers.
469
00:20:08,841 --> 00:20:11,311
Wrong or right,
I'm here to fight
470
00:20:11,344 --> 00:20:13,413
Unless you run away with fright.
471
00:20:13,446 --> 00:20:15,014
And if you wonder who I be
472
00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:17,284
It's me, it's me, it's ernest t.
473
00:20:17,317 --> 00:20:18,551
[ cackling ]
474
00:20:18,585 --> 00:20:20,787
Yee!
475
00:20:20,820 --> 00:20:22,555
I'm going to tell
You one more time
476
00:20:22,589 --> 00:20:23,756
If you go through with this
477
00:20:23,790 --> 00:20:25,425
I'm going to throw
You in jail.
478
00:20:25,458 --> 00:20:27,026
I don't care, sheriff.
I don't care.
479
00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:28,828
Like I just told you,
I do not care.
480
00:20:28,861 --> 00:20:30,763
Why do you want
To fight him?
481
00:20:30,797 --> 00:20:33,833
Because he is an englishter,
And hence-- I hates him.
482
00:20:33,866 --> 00:20:36,836
Why do you hate
Him because he's
An englishter?
483
00:20:36,869 --> 00:20:39,439
Because I am irish,
And my mommy told me
484
00:20:39,472 --> 00:20:42,275
As an irishman, I have
To hate all englishters.
485
00:20:42,309 --> 00:20:44,844
Now, I always do
What my mommy tells me.
486
00:20:44,877 --> 00:20:46,713
'sides that, he took my job
487
00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:50,550
And he ruined my matrimonial
Plans with my beloved romeena.
488
00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:52,385
Hence-- I hates him.
489
00:20:52,419 --> 00:20:55,688
Now, if you will excuse me,
I requires not to soil my vest.
490
00:20:57,023 --> 00:20:59,292
[ sighs ]
491
00:21:00,927 --> 00:21:02,729
When do I shake
Hands with him?
492
00:21:02,762 --> 00:21:03,996
Oh, you don't shake hands.
493
00:21:04,030 --> 00:21:05,898
You just keep covered
And retreat.
494
00:21:05,932 --> 00:21:07,967
Well, you might
As well go at it
495
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,469
Hadn't you, ernest t.?
496
00:21:09,502 --> 00:21:10,870
Right.
497
00:21:10,903 --> 00:21:12,972
It's going to be fun
Seeing two irishmen fighting.
498
00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:17,844
Been having a little trouble
With my hearing lately.
499
00:21:17,877 --> 00:21:19,579
What was that
You just said?
500
00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:22,649
I said it's going
To be fun seeing two
Irishmen fighting.
501
00:21:22,682 --> 00:21:23,916
Who's t'other one?
502
00:21:23,950 --> 00:21:25,385
Why, malcolm.
503
00:21:25,418 --> 00:21:27,754
Didn't you know
His mother's irish?
504
00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:29,356
Malcolm?
Yeah.
505
00:21:29,389 --> 00:21:30,857
His mother's irish?
506
00:21:30,890 --> 00:21:32,559
Uh-huh. From county cork.
507
00:21:32,592 --> 00:21:33,760
[ gasps ]
508
00:21:33,793 --> 00:21:34,861
County cork?
509
00:21:34,894 --> 00:21:36,429
Yeah.
510
00:21:36,463 --> 00:21:37,897
Well, never let it be said
511
00:21:37,930 --> 00:21:41,768
That ernest t. Bass ever spilled
A drop of irish blood.
512
00:21:41,801 --> 00:21:43,870
Not one drop of irish blood
513
00:21:43,903 --> 00:21:47,707
Will ernest t. Bass
Ever be accused of spilling.
514
00:21:52,879 --> 00:21:56,383
Malcolm, I ain't gonna touch
A hair on your head.
515
00:21:56,416 --> 00:21:58,117
You're my friend,
My true friend.
516
00:21:58,150 --> 00:22:01,388
I don't care if you did
Take my job away from me
517
00:22:01,421 --> 00:22:04,824
And ruin my matrimonial chances
With my beloved romeena.
518
00:22:04,857 --> 00:22:08,361
You're my friend, malcolm...
My bosom pal!
519
00:22:08,395 --> 00:22:10,897
I love you! I love you!
520
00:22:10,930 --> 00:22:13,466
I love you!
521
00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:15,468
[ ernest cackling ]
522
00:22:19,506 --> 00:22:21,508
You know,
I still can't understand
523
00:22:21,541 --> 00:22:23,109
He sudden change
In attitude.
524
00:22:23,142 --> 00:22:26,012
Well, it's just one of those
Things, I guess, malcolm.
525
00:22:26,045 --> 00:22:28,815
Possibly, he realized
At the last moment
526
00:22:28,848 --> 00:22:31,017
He was about
To meet his match, eh?
527
00:22:31,050 --> 00:22:34,053
That could be it.
528
00:22:34,086 --> 00:22:36,155
I see you.
You can't see me.
529
00:22:36,188 --> 00:22:38,157
Peek-a-bee,
It's ernest t.
530
00:22:38,190 --> 00:22:39,692
Howdy sheriff.
531
00:22:39,726 --> 00:22:42,995
Howdy...Bosom pal.
532
00:22:43,029 --> 00:22:44,697
Nice to see you,
Ernest.
533
00:22:44,731 --> 00:22:46,966
I dropped by to invite you
Up to my cave to eat --
534
00:22:46,999 --> 00:22:49,536
Got some possum steaks --
Nice and tender.
535
00:22:49,569 --> 00:22:51,438
Been beating at 'em
With a stick!
536
00:22:51,471 --> 00:22:52,972
Certainly kind of you.
537
00:22:53,005 --> 00:22:55,642
Ain't nothin' too good
For my bosom pal.
538
00:22:55,675 --> 00:22:56,909
[ chuckles ]
539
00:22:56,943 --> 00:22:58,745
So gracious.
540
00:22:58,778 --> 00:23:00,780
Say, tell me a thing,
Will you?
541
00:23:00,813 --> 00:23:03,616
Just what part of county cork
Is your mommy from?
542
00:23:03,650 --> 00:23:05,585
I beg your pardon?
543
00:23:05,618 --> 00:23:08,655
I say, what part of county cork
Is your mommy from?
544
00:23:08,688 --> 00:23:11,458
[ chuckles ] She's not
From county cork, ernest t.
545
00:23:11,491 --> 00:23:12,992
She's from
Right near there.
546
00:23:13,025 --> 00:23:14,761
No, no, no.
547
00:23:14,794 --> 00:23:17,096
Mother was born two blocks
Off piccadilly circus,
548
00:23:17,129 --> 00:23:20,500
Right in the heart
Of london.
549
00:23:20,533 --> 00:23:22,635
London.
550
00:23:22,669 --> 00:23:24,637
Then your mama
Ain't irish?
551
00:23:24,671 --> 00:23:25,872
Malcolm:
Good heavens, no.
552
00:23:25,905 --> 00:23:28,875
Then you are
A full-blooded englishter!
553
00:23:28,908 --> 00:23:30,810
Ernest t.!
Ernest t.!
554
00:23:30,843 --> 00:23:33,045
[ indistinct shouting ]
555
00:23:37,917 --> 00:23:41,053
[ whistling sprightly tune ]
38576
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