All language subtitles for Dosed.2019.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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[Tyler]
What do you think the end

of this documentary should be?

I'd like to be sober...

at the end of the documentary.

But I'd just like to be sober.

[Adrianne] I think we should
just take a walk down Hastings

'cause there's always,
like, crazy stuff going on.

I'm gonna see lots of
people that know who I am

and know me and they're
gonna offer me drugs.

They're gonna assume
that's why I'm here.

You may go over there by
yourself and I won't go over.

I owe money to people
on Main and Hastings.

That's the corner

and there's a lot of drug
activity that goes on there.

So you go over there, I'll meet
you on the corner over there.

There's a fentanyl crisis,
opiate overdose epidemic

going on in the Downtown
Eastside of Vancouver

and all over Canada and the U.S.

I'm playing Russian roulette
every time I pick up drugs.

I never know if this
is gonna be the hit

that is gonna kill me.

I've tested positive
for fentanyl.

It's in everything.

The problem is people
don't have a tolerance

to this super powerful drug.

I don't know how many people

have died in the last
six months that I know.

Alcohol was the
gateway but, um...

I'm addicted
to the harder stuff.

But really I'm what you would
call a "garbage can" addict.

I will do anything.

Anything to not be sober,

anything to get out of myself,

anything to escape.

I just moved back
to my dad's house.

I was so depressed.

I was considering suicide
and I didn't want my parents

to have to clean
out my apartment.

I've been homeless a few times
and kind of couch-surfed

and I've had to
stay in a hostel.

I've never had to actually live
on the Downtown Eastside.

I have parents that wouldn't
ever have allowed that.

It's just dumb luck.

Like, there's--
there's no difference between me

and, like, that person
that's shooting up in the alley

or that, you know,
that you see on the street.

I'm Adrianne and I've been
struggling with addiction

for about 20 years now.

I always wondered why
I ended up as an addict.

I didn't have
a horrible upbringing,

I had really good parents,

um, never wanted for anything.

I didn't think
when I was 12 or 13

that I wanted to grow up
and be a drug addict.

I wanted to go
to law school. I...

had big dreams
when I was younger.

It's been really
hard on my family.

It's been hard
on my friends.

I don't know what
my parents think.

They have, probably,
a lot of guilt

thinking it's their fault
that I'm this way and

that's not true.

I don't know.
I think they're just

really worried
and scared and...

it's probably
really hard for them.

[Tyler]
Do you know of any traumas

that have happened in your past

that could have led you
to become an addict?

I've thought a lot about...
past traumas.

Going through puberty in
high school is pretty traumatic.

Changing relationships with
boyfriends and things like that.

But there's no major
trauma that sticks out.

My brain has learned
that when I'm in pain,

emotional or otherwise,
if I take a drug,

I will escape that pain
which kind of...

sends me deeper into that spiral
of depression and anxiety.

[Tyler]
I've known Adrianne for years.

She's always struggled
with anxiety and depression

and addiction as well.

And in the last few years,
things have gotten a lot worse,

but she was hiding that
from her friends and her family.

She texted me

said she was thinking
about killing herself.

She said she fucked up again.

She used drugs.

She spent her tax return,
took out a payday loan.

She's gonna jump off a bridge.

And I'd just learned that
microdosing psychedelics

was good for depression, so I
asked if she'd ever tried that

and then she told me
about a clinical trial

that was being done using--

Psilocybin, which is the active
ingredient in mushrooms

to treat addiction.

[Tyler] And now you just
don't want to wait for it?

-No...
-[Tyler] So...

I don't know if
I'm going to live

to see the clinical trial.

I might overdose and die.

[Rick Doblin] The field
of psychedelic medicine,

of psychedelic psychotherapy,

is fundamentally helpful

for the treatment of
depression and addiction.

It can help people break out
of patterns like that.

I have heard anecdotally
from a number of sources

that taking hallucinogens

could curb cravings for alcohol,

drugs, smoking,
all those things.

Addiction is a way
to run away from pain,

to run away from
difficult experiences.

And so under the
influence of psychedelics,

the things that people
have been pushing down

and suppressing and running from
will come to the surface.

[Tyler] But you did say that
you're scared of psychedelics.

And therefore you're scared
of taking mushrooms.

Yeah, I guess I'm afraid
of confronting my emotions,

but I think I'm more afraid

of living another
20 years like this.

[Tyler] What we need to know
is what you'd wanna do next.

And just figure out if

doing a full dose
would be the next step.

[sighing heavily]

I was more, like,
I'm honestly more

interested in the microdosing.

I would try a full dose.

I said I was willing
to try a full dose.

[Tyler]
The clinical trials,

that was not microdosing.

That's why we did a bigger dose.

I'm interested to see
if a full dose

does change my brain chemistry
or has any effects on me,

but I'm not trying to
reproduce this clinical trial.

[Tyler]
We can't duplicate it because

there's no
medical professionals,

but this is the other thing,
so if you take it then...

-how, like, where--
-I'm just...

curious to try...
to see what happens.

[Tyler]
We're bit nervous that Adrianne

might have a bad trip
on the magic mushrooms

and maybe have
a psychotic episode.

We're not really too sure

what to do in
a situation like that.

We don't have any experience
with psychedelics.

And here we are with cameras

and illegal magic mushrooms...

you know, trying
to help our friend

who's depressed, but, uh...

I guess we'll just
see how it goes.

And hope for the best.

[Tyler]
What can we do to help today?

I have no idea
what you can do to help, like,

I'm not even really sure
about this entire process,

but I'm open to it

because I kind of am
out of options right now.

[Nick] Would there be
a more ideal scenario to do it?

Probably.

I mean, we're doing it,
it's fine. I've done worse.

I've put myself in
far more dangerous...

situations.

OK.

Here goes.

Do I just go, like--
eat it like this?

I've had some negative...

mental health experiences.

So, I wouldn't want to...

end up in the psych ward
again or something.

[Nick] Adrianne, you're not
gonna end up in the psych ward.

If you have any
negative thoughts, just...

they're gonna pass.

Yeah.

[Tyler] How do you feel
about taking that amount?

I just generally
don't like experiencing

any negative emotions.

I usually avoid those,
like... quite a bit.

By any means necessary.

So I'm worried I'm gonna
have negative emotions.

[yawning]

I'm definitely, like,
feeling something right now

for sure.

Yeah.

I don't think you're
gonna get much, though.

Like, I think it's
one of those things

that I have to go
through the process.

I think right now,
I'm just, like, really high

and, like, I don't think
you're going to get anything.

How long was that?

[Nick]
Couple of hours.

That you were gone?

-[Nick] Yeah.
-[Tyler] Were you crying?

I was off my face.

[Tyler] OK.

Then I just went
into the bathroom.

I don't know why

and I just started crying.

[Nick] Yeah.

I was, like, outside myself,
looking at myself, like...

like, a drug addict. Like...

I was anyone on the street.

I just realized, that like...

I don't care about myself

the way that I care
about other people.

Like, when I look
at someone else

and have compassion
for someone else,

I just don't have
that for myself.

So, it takes all the
bullshit away, like...

and you just kind
of see things...

the way they really are.

Any alone time
is usually just...

pretty dark.

I guess the dark thoughts
take over a lot.

And I feel like
I was surrounded--

I'm surrounded a lot
by the dark--

the dark voices.

And it just gave me
some breathing space from that.

I remember feeling very calm
and, like, not anxious...

and just...

very peaceful.

I am Rosalind Watts

and I'm a clinical psychologist
at the Imperial College

Psychedelic Research Group.

At Imperial, we did a study

where people with
treatment-resistant depression

came in for two experiences

with magic mushrooms
or psilocybin.

And so I interviewed everyone
about their experience

and what it has been like

and how they had
changed afterwards

and the most
common theme was

that depression felt
like disconnection,

disconnection from self,
other and the world around them.

And then after
their psychedelic session,

they went from being very
disconnected to very connected.

They could feel
a whole range of emotions

rather than just constant
apathy or sadness.

And most of the participants
in our study cried and they wept

and the tears were
usually because of

this-- the amazing
feeling of sinking in

to self love and self compassion

after many, many years
of hating themselves.

They're constantly
in their heads,

berating themselves,
criticizing themselves,

thinking how they can
change it, make it better,

and then they're often in
these cyclical behaviors too,

so needing to-- to do
something to numb the pain,

needing to take something,
needing it 'cause it's just

so hard to sit through it.

So they get locked into
these vicious circles

and downward spirals.

And who you really are isn't

your constant negative
thoughts on a loop.

The psychedelic experience

can break those
rigid thought patterns

it can break that
default mode network,

it can break through
these behavioral patterns too.

[Adrianne] I have these cats
and I would never dream of

hurting them or doing
anything bad to them.

I take care of them,
but I don't treat myself

with that same kind of
love and compassion.

With magic mushrooms
people often describe

this absolute
pouring of love.

Love for themselves,
love for other people,

love for the world,
just this beautiful love.

It's love that people may never,
ever have experienced before.

[Adrianne] I don't think
I've felt like that

since I was, like, a child.

It's... weird.
It was weird.

But beautiful.

That self-love is something
that does often fade.

People access it so strongly,

and they think
it's never gonna go away.

It requires more work.
It requires more practice.

Those new pathways require
being trodden on a few times

to really get them
deeply embedded.

When magic mushroom therapy
is done well in a safe place

you witness people
having more benefit

from just one or two sessions

than they've described having
from 10 or 20 years of therapy.

Over the last year I have

contemplated suicide,

sometimes feeling like
that was my only way out.

And when I was on mushrooms,
I did ask myself that question,

whether suicide was
the only option for me

or an option for me
and, um, my answer was that...

it's not.

[Paul Stamets]
What these mushrooms do is they

give you the ability
not only to see your position

in the universe and nature
and everything is all connected,

but you get the feeling
that it's OK

and it's OK to be you.

It's OK for you to-- to have
these problems and issues.

But you're better than that.

Magic mushrooms allow you

to change your mind...
literally.

Our studies have shown
that magic mushrooms

disrupt the
default mode network.

So, deactivate
the ego, essentially.

When that happens, rather than
this very rigid brain pattern,

you see hyper-communication
in the brain,

you see hyper-connectivity.

All the different parts of the
brain all talk to each other.

[Ingrid Pacey] With
psychedelics the whole brain

starts to relate in ways that
it's not used to doing

and that's why
we get new insights

and new perspectives.

[Adrianne]
Using psychedelics, it's about,

connecting with yourself,
connecting with nature

and connecting with a
different part of your brain.

All the psychiatric medications

just dulled me
and numbed me out.

I've been constantly
medicated by doctors.

Zyprexa, Seroquel,
lithium, Zoloft,

Celexa, gabapentin, lamotrigine,

risperidone,
valproic acid, trazodone,

Wellbutrin, Concerta
and many other antidepressants

and other
psychiatric medications.

None of them have helped me.

Currently I've stopped
taking all medications

except methadone.

It's a substitute
opiate to prevent you

from going into withdrawals

and it's a regulated dose given
to me at the pharmacy every day.

Methadone doesn't
make you feel very good.

I feel tired when
I'm on a high dose.

[Rosalind Watts] Magic
mushrooms are not addictive.

In fact, magic mushrooms
are anti-addictive.

If you keep taking them,
they stop working.

Big pharma succeeds when people
take the same medication again,

and again and again, and again.

[Ingrid Pacey] People suffer
a lot of side effects,

headaches, weight gain
and blood pressure.

Their sexual drive
is eradicated.

They're juggled from
one antidepressant to another,

there probably is
maybe 30% of people

that do get benefit
from antidepressants,

but their usefulness
and their efficacy

is much less than
people had hoped.

[Rosalind Watts] They don't
provide you with an opportunity

to really explore
your suffering.

They don't get to
the root of the problem.

Psychedelic experiences can be

profoundly beneficial
for people's lives.

We're taking people off
medications that they've been on

-for long periods of time.
-[Ingrid Pacey] It was amazing

how often, once we started
working more deeply,

that early childhood
trauma would come up,

you know, a variety,
emotional, physical,

and, of course,
childhood sexual abuse.

What drives a lot of people
to addiction is trauma,

is difficult experiences
in childhood

and you can help somebody
break an addiction

but what about the factors that
drove them to the addiction?

[Tyler]
Do you think you have PTSD?

Maybe, like, I think that.

Like, I was asking my mom,
why do I do this to myself?

There's got to be
a reason like...

there's gotta be a reason
that I continually

self-harm and continue
down this path that clearly...

there's some kind of pain,

obviously I'm in
some kind of pain

and I don't know why
I mean she did say, like,

"I think you're just
a really sensitive person,"

which I think is true,
um, but yeah, like,

so I think there is
something, like, yeah...

[Tyler] How do you know
if somebody has PTSD, then?

There's a list of symptoms
which has to do with,

you know,
re-experiencing the event,

very high anxiety,
being really jumpy, um,

you know, avoiding, say,
the geographic area

where it might have happened.

Some people are more anxious.

Some people just get
numbed out and dissociate,

they freak out

if there's anything
suggestive of what happened.

They keep reliving the trauma
and dreaming about it

and thinking about it and...

or it can be the numbing,
so that there's just--

they don't feel much,
they don't relate much.

You can have trauma but
not necessarily have PTSD?

-You can.
-Yeah.

You can, but...

for the people
who end up with PTSD,

then for some
of them, you know,

addiction is a way
of dealing with that.

So is it possible to have PTSD
but not really remember,

if it was something
that happened

when you were really young
you might not remember it

but you're having--

experiencing
all these behaviors,

but you're not really
understanding why.

Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

[Adrianne] It's been exactly one
week since my first experience

with psilocybin mushrooms.

For the first four or five
days after the experience

I had quite a bit of energy.

I was feeling really motivated
to make some changes in my life.

[Nick] You look really
stressed out, are you OK?

Wednesday, I relapsed.
I used heroin.

And I also used
heroin on Thursday.

I might still be using
but I definitely think I'm in

a much better
place, emotionally.

I really have
this sense that, like,

I'm being guided
in a certain direction

and there's a reason
that I'm on this path now

with the psychedelics,

but I've kind of hit a wall
with the psilocybin because

it's really hard to curb that
physical craving for the heroin

[Trevor Millar]
If you've been dependent

and using opiates
for a long time,

your body's
natural internal opiates

don't get produced anymore.

Take that away and all of a
sudden a person is in dire pain

and that's what
physical withdrawal is.

If you know all you need
is a little bit of that opiate

to feel normal, then you're
gonna reach for that opiate.

Psilocybin mushrooms
can be particularly helpful

to people who are
addicted to opiates

after they've been
through the withdrawal.

[Adrianne]
So, I'm checking into detox.

[Tyler]
You know where we're going?

Yeah, sort of, just drive.

[Nick]
Why are you anxious?

Because I don't wanna go through
withdrawals. It's really awful.

Being down here too, like,
I really just wanna fuckin'...

pick up.

I'm not really
gonna get anywhere

until I completely sober up

and that's when the real work
is gonna get done, right?

Let's go.

[intercom]
Hi, can I help you?

[Tyler] Yeah, I'm here
to visit Adrianne.

[Tyler] Will they let you
go back on methadone?

I just got out of detox.

I've never been so
dope sick in my life.

Barfing my guts out.

Methadone is the devil.

You're actually better
off switching to heroin

and then trying to detox
off heroin than methadone.

I had a really bad
reaction to the Suboxone.

It made me so
anxious and agitated.

After the second
day I told them,

"I can't take this, just
give me my methadone back."

But I talked to the doctor.

There's another alternative
which is a long-acting morphine.

[Trevor Millar] We're in
the face of an opioid crisis.

We've never seen
anything like this.

Young people, old people,

from all walks of life
are dying from opioids

and some people would
rather kill themselves,

unfortunately, than be
stuck on drugs like this.

I've had more than one
person come to me saying

that "It's either suicide

or this psychedelic thing
better work for me

because I'm at
the end of my rope."

[Adrianne] Since I first
started using mushrooms

I integrated some more
positive things in my life

like floating, yoga,
connecting with family.

I have quit smoking.

I don't think I've had a
cigarette for at least a month.

I've disrupted the
pattern of my heroin usage.

I'm not using it daily.

I definitely have
not been depressed.

Before we started this
whole process I was...

going down a pretty dark road.

[Tyler]
So, let me just ask--

When did you first
meet Adrianne?

Yeah, that's such
a nice picture.

Aw, this is so nice.

You haven't made me
a card for a long time.

Oh, this is a story.

[laughing]

"It's a sad story,
but I couldn't think of

another kind of story."

[Mom]
She was happy, loving.

She had lots of friends.

She did well in school.

I always said to people,

"boy, if I could have
another one of these

this would be easy."

That's that one summer--
so that-- I think you were--

The summer that I went to
the house that I hated so much.

[Tyler]
Do you know anything about

a house that Adrianne
has mentioned a few times?

[Mom]
She mentioned that

this memory had
come back to her.

I think it was about
when she was two.

I went to work
for a friend of mine.

I cannot think back to that time
that there was a difference or

something she was afraid of
at that time in her life.

What is trauma?

Trauma to one person might not
be trauma to someone else.

Maybe the fact that she grew
up in a single-parent home

was trauma for her.

Maybe it was the fact
that I got a boyfriend

for a couple of years

when she was 12
that she didn't like.

She found out her
boyfriend cheated on her,

that was emotional
and traumatic for her.

Her job was very stressful,

working for a law firm
and they were drinking

and doing coke

at night and probably
during the day.

Yeah, I was somewhat
in denial, I guess,

because I just thought,

"OK, well you can beat this.
This is not you."

I don't think I realized
how serious it was

and how hard it was going to be.

People did say, "Don't enable.

So what if she ends
up on the street?"

And I wasn't ready to do that.

When she was 27,
she was into a--

a treatment center.

It was about $30,000.

I had to borrow money

against my house.

She got out right near Christmas
and immediately relapsed

and actually ended up
in the hospital.

So back to the treatment
center she went.

[Adrianne]
Christmas has always been

a really difficult time for me.

I tend to have
major meltdowns.

Or there's some major chaos
that happens and this year...

um, Christmas went well

and there wasn't any,
you know, major issues.

I'm gonna go check out
a conference run by MAPS.

It's a society for
using psychedelics

for therapeutic purposes.

I do think that there
is some kind of trauma,

there's something going on
emotionally, psychologically,

that I need to
explore and that...

through the use of psychedelics

I can work through that.

-I am.
-Hi, I'm Adrianne.

What role would
you like to play?

Oh, perfect! OK.

Let me give you
a hug there, girl.

-OK.
-Yeah.

-Oh, they told me about you.
-Yeah.

Oh, you're a--
you're a movie star.

-Yeah.
-Oh, my God!

or shaman or something.

I applaud your courage
and your-- your...

honesty and your
transparency and...

thank you for
being who you are.

Thank you.

If you can take your seats

or find standing room only

that would be great.

How many of us struggle
or have struggled

with secret anxiety

or heartbreak

or depression,

addictions?

It's just so hard in this
society to be a human being

because so much
about this society

takes us away from ourselves.

It's so important to be
healing PTSD.

It's so important
to be healing people

who are anxious or depressed.

Here we are, you know, 50
years after the criminalization

and it looks like we're on
the verge of really integrating

psychedelic medicine
into our society.

Prohibition is slowly crumbling
under the weight

of its sheer ineffectiveness.

It does not protect
our communities.

It does not
protect our families

and it does not
protect our children.

So prohibition will end
and what I ask is,

what are we gonna
replace it with?

The two psychedelic
drugs that are

likely to become
prescription medicines

the soonest are psilocybin,

not from mushrooms, but
made synthetically and MDMA.

And what we're trying to do is

bring back the field of
psychedelic psychotherapy

where they'll be clinics
where people can have

either psilocybin
mushrooms or MDMA

or eventually
other drugs as well

in a long-term sequence
of psychedelic psychotherapy.

From a political perspective,
I think the most important...

step that's not being taken
in psychedelic research yet

is gonna be to
develop ibogaine

for the treatment
of opioid addiction.

Ibogaine is the only
thing that we know of

that is able to go in
and address that issue

of the physical withdrawal.

Iboga and ibogaine
come from a root in Africa

and are among the most powerful
psychedelics on Earth.

They've been used
ceremonially for centuries

and in 1962 in New York

a chemist gave ibogaine
to his heroin addict friend

who would try anything.

He noticed immediately
after the experience

that he wasn't
craving heroin anymore.

That's when it's anti-addictive
properties were discovered.

-You have a question.
-OK, um,

you might have to be
careful how you answer this,

I guess, for legal reasons, but
what would you suggest people do

who might need
therapies like this

um, but it's not
legally available yet?

I don't think I have
to be that careful

to say that there's loads
of underground therapists

and they're usually very
passionate and committed

because they're risking
so much to do it.

So the problem is,
how do you find them?

[Garyth Moxey]
The ibogaine thing,

I'm really not supposed
to be working with ibogaine.

So, for myself at the moment,
it's civil disobedience.

Fuck them and their bullshit.

They're gonna kick my door in

'cause I'm helping people
get off heroin?

Normally when you come
off of the opiates

things would be difficult,
up and down, up and down.

Peaks and valleys, being sick.

After an ibogaine treatment,
you would feel the same way

as you would months after
a traditional detox from heroin.

It's not a magical cure,

but it's the closest
thing we have to it

I'm afraid of, like,
what's gonna happen

when that methadone's
not there...

-Sure
-Anymore.

-Yeah.
-Um, I feel like I want

to have some stability first
and stay away from the heroin

and, like, working
with the mushrooms

and working through some
things before I'm ready to...

-pull the rug out, I guess.
-Right. OK, so normally

when we're working
with ibogaine,

we have people that stay with us

-for two weeks at a time.
-Right.

So, we're kind of booked out
for the next few months.

However, I can put you
in touch with somebody

that would be able
to get to you sooner.

And in the meantime,

you could come and
do mushrooms with us.

[Adrianne] We were talking
about the iboga, the ibogaine,

that's what this guy
is really recommending

-and apparently--
-[Mom] Well, how does that work?

-Is that a one-shot deal? Like--
-Yeah, it stops you

from going into withdrawals,

but it's also, like,
an addiction interrupter.

So it changes your pathways,

it starts repairing
the opiate receptors,

but I don't know if I'm ready...

uh, to get off
the methadone yet.

That's, like, down the road.

-So, what happens this week?
-We're gonna do, like,

a mushroom sitting.

And there's gonna be
a female therapist there

and it's gonna be a
larger dose of mushrooms

than what I've done,
but this would be guided

so that if anything came
up or I wanted to work

with something I would be
safe and with people.

Keep on the right path, honey.

Keep doing the...
doing the good stuff.

-Yeah.
-I think you do need to try...

lots of different,
alternative things.

I'm not-- I don't
prescribe to one,

you know, mantra.

Check out voodoo if you have to.

[Adrianne] Today will be
the first time that, um...

I'm doing mushrooms
with some support. I've...

done it in the past
just on my own.

We have all sorts
of anecdotal stories

of people who have
done it on their own

and it's been really positive

but it's not something
that you would recommend.

[Rosalind Watts] Three crucial
factors for psychedelic therapy

are set, setting, and dose.

The set is about the intentions.

I don't want to be this, like,
lying, dishonest person.

You start to cross those
lines and you're like,

"I can't believe that I did
that-- that's not me."

The reason it's important
to have this intention

is that when it
gets really tricky,

if it gets really tricky,

you can remind people
of why they're doing it.

A bad trip means that
something is opening up

that is difficult
for you to deal with

and you're not in a setting

where someone can
support you to do it.

It's what, really,
recovery is about...

is recovering
yourself, you know,

and who you really are.

You know, and I really
think that the plants

play a huge role in that.
They did for me.

Setting is the environment
that the experience...

-happens in.
-Being somewhere where

you really, really, really
can trust the other person

and that you know that
you're not gonna be interrupted

and you're gonna have access
to everything you need.

We're your support.
Should you need anything

-then we're right here.
-[Rosalind Watts] But, really,

it's the people
that make the setting.

Anybody who makes this choice
should be well supported.

I wanna be here for you.

Dosage is what you
take and how much.

[Garyth Moxey] We're working
with these Mexican mushrooms,

they're a little bit
stronger than the cubensis,

so we'll take that
into consideration.

When I hear about people
doing these high,

high doses on their own,
for some people it's fine.

But for a lot of people
I think it's...

-scary.
-[Garyth] We can always add.

-[Adrianne] Yeah.
-Whereas it's a little difficult

to subtract.

[Adrianne]
You can't take it away.

Beyond set,
setting, and dose,

what really matters, though,
is the integration afterwards.

[Garyth] I had a really
big mushroom experience

and it wasn't until
later on in that day

that I really understood
what happened.

Around the psychedelics,
before and after would be...

non-drug psychotherapy
to prepare and to integrate

the experience and
that's really the route

to overcoming addiction
in the long run.

[Garyth] And then also,
if she's got anything, you know,

really profound or
interesting to say, then...

we might write that down
and then discuss that later.

-Hi.
-There she is.

Oh, we're filming already.

And then I just, like,
fell asleep and I woke up

and I realized it was,
like, six o'clock.

Oh, my God.

It was really intense and, um...

I definitely had a pretty
big emotional breakthrough,

and it was very,
cathartic and, um...

There were tears and there
was deep work going on

and clearly it mattered
more to just go through

whatever it was than
to try and problem-solve

or anything else.
It was to-- to...

really allow yourself to feel.

I don't do that normally.

I don't just let myself...

feel. Yeah.

I'm always trying
to shut it down

or trying to fix it or,
like, figure out a way,

a scheme or plan to, like--

how am I gonna control this
and manage this and I just...

didn't do that.

[Tyler] And what's "this"?
Getting off methadone...

-stopping using--?
-No, it's something, um...

something different.

[Tyler]
Will you tell us about

your actual breakthrough...

on Saturday?

[Adrianne]
It's not a surprise to me that I

consistently seek out unhealthy,

abusive...

um, relationships that

reaffirm this deep-seated belief
that I'm, like, unlovable.

I...

realized for the
first time how much

that belief is
affecting me and...

it's a huge factor in why
I use. It's that loneliness

and that unlovability, that...

like, my only friend is heroin.

The only thing that makes
me feel loved and warm

and gives me that
warm, fuzzy feeling

is heroin, which it
doesn't even really anymore.

But I guess it's just...

I just want to go home.

[Adrianne] I get, like, really
bad nausea from the methadone

and I just don't
feel well today.

[Tyler]
Can you start taking

a little bit less
and less methadone?

Do you want to come to my next
doctor's appointment with me?

-[Tyler] Just, like, sit in?
-Yeah.

[Tyler]
Uh, for what benefit?

I don't know
because he's the one

that wants me
to keep going up.

[Tyler] You're saying you're
starting to feel more tired,

and that's obviously also
going to be counterproductive

-to even microdosing.
-I know!

I've been pulled in,
like, 8 million directions

for the last 10 years

and every doctor has
a different opinion.

Every person I talk to
has a different opinion.

So, I don't really need
to hear this right now.

It's not helpful.

Like do you have any idea how
many doctors and psychiatrists

and therapists and
counselors I've seen?

[Nick] We'll figure it out.
Let's try microdosing.

[Tyler]
Why don't we all try microdosing

and see what happens?

See if it helps with your mood,

see if it helps with
the energy levels.

[Tyler] The methadone
is making her tired.

So, what I'm wondering is if
we can get an opinion from you

about whether microdosing
will even work for her

-or if it's pointless--
-Like, what she needs

is a fucking ibogaine treatment.

You know, we're dicking
around with mushrooms and stuff.

You know, all of the other
psychedelics could help

and will help and
have been helping

but at the same time we're
kind of dicking around.

Do you know what I mean?
Because there's one that

fucking nails it right home

and that's ibogaine and iboga,

for her situation, you know?

And then all of these
other psychedelics

will help afterwards.

[Trevor Millar]
You need the iboga

to take the hooks of
the opiates out of you.

Otherwise, you know,
you'll have a beautiful...

mushroom experience,

but 12 hours later you're
still gonna need opiates

'cause you're gonna go
into physical withdrawal.

I've had a lot of insight
and that self-compassion

and self-love with
the mushrooms, but...

it just doesn't last very
long because then I need

to go back to using the opiates.

[Trevor] Iboga works so
well for somebody who just

hasn't been able
to get the leg up

-on the physical addiction.
-Yeah.

[Trevor] Where I work
with the medicine,

it's almost more clinical

and there's a place
for that, for sure.

But I've seen Mark do his work

and the beautiful
ceremonial aspect of it

and it's totally
the way to go.

He takes you on this
soul journey which...

you know, in layman's
terms, might be called

a visualization exercise.

[Mark Howard] Half of the
iboga session is therapy,

you know, the people of
the Bwiti have taught me

how to use iboga in
a traditional way.

50% of our healing is the talk

and that's where things get done

because you rearrange
the way you think.

Methadone didn't work for you,

the treatment centers
didn't work for you.

You know, what we're trying
to do is get this medicine

to at least be an option for
people because it's so effective

at dealing with physical detox,
and getting someone clean

so that they're more
receptive to therapy

and then we can use the medicine
in a more sacred context

to deal with people's traumas

that are at the root
cause of the addictions.

Really acute forms of addictions

can be really
dangerous with iboga.

Very dangerous.
Benzodiazepines, methadone,

things like this,
it does certain things,

like slows down the heart rate.

I'm way more comfortable
working with morphine

than even methadone.

Just kind of make it
clear that we didn't just

throw loads of ibogaine
on top of methadone here.

[Mark] When people start getting
ideas off documentaries,

that's when things
get dangerous.

What they should get an idea
off this is that it is dangerous

because we have seen
enough to know that.

I did get some names of some
doctors that might be willing

to switch me to morphine.

Switching to morphine
is the best plan.

I remember I went
to the pharmacy,

this one pharmacy and I
said that I was thinking

of switching and they
were just all over me, like,

"OK, well give me your
information and, like...

we'll wait for you.
We close at 6:00,

but we'll wait until 6:30, until
you get off work or whatever."

And I was just like,
"That's strange...

Why are they so
keen to have me?"

[Trevor] Do you know
those pharmacies get paid

$6,000 per year, per
person that comes in?

That's why they want you
to show up every day.

"We'll give you a
McDonald's gift card

if you come and get your
methadone from here."

They're getting rich off...

this misery.

[Adrianne]
I forgot how to live

or I never learned how to live

um, because, you know,
all that emotional development

was stunted when I started
drinking and using

at the age of 15.

I was able to finally
switch off methadone.

So I'm off methadone now and
I've switched over to Kadian,

which is a long-acting morphine.

I'm always on something, whether
it's prescribed by a doctor

or, like, prescribed
by a drug dealer...

I've just been on so much,

so I'm really excited about
the iboga treatment because

I'm hopefully
gonna be free of all,

you know medications and

just have a clear mind
for a little while

just to get a sense of, like,
where I'm at and who I am and...

how I feel without a substance
in my body. That's gonna be...

amazing.

[Adrianne]
I used last night.

I ended up having
some heart palpitations

and having to call an ambulance
and go to the hospital.

[Adrianne sobbing]

[hyperventilating]

[Adrianne]
I just don't want to.

I'm not saying I'm
not going tonight.

I'm just saying I don't want
to put that pressure on myself.

Let's just play it by ear.

Or just to let me
know how it's going.

[Adrianne, tearfully]
Yeah.

-Yeah.
-[Tyler] How are you feeling?

I'm so sick of this.

You know, I already have anxiety
about being away from home

on a good day and then, um...

Just, like, everything
that's happened and

putting the cat down
yesterday was really...

really hard.

And when you're just
not in a very good place

you just want to be, like...

at home.

In your familiar
safe place, but...

[Tyler] Are we going to get
you a bit of your dose, then?

Yeah, let's just go
get, um, my last...

uh, morphine dose.

I'm just gonna get changed

Bye, little Buff-Buff.

I've used and stuff

but definitely,
like, nowhere near...

you know and like, I have had--
I've been really trying

and especially in the last
week to not use anything

because I don't want to
complicate the process

but I've just had
panic attacks all week,

extreme anxiety and,
like, stress reaction

and my addiction
wants me dead.

Like, it wants me
not to get better.

'Cause I really do
but then there's

this other part of me that
just sabotages everything.

I had to put my cat down
the other day, which was...

really, really upsetting.

I'd never even seen
a hard drug in my life

when I got that cat
and it's almost like...

[sniffling]

he came into my
life for a reason.

It was just me and him.

And he's gone now
and it's just...

[sniffling]

It's just really sad.

[sighing tearfully]

[suspenseful music]

Right now I'm going to get
my final dose of morphine.

My opiate replacement
therapy drug.

I'm only gonna take, uh,

half of my dose.

I'm supposed to take
600 milligrams a day,

but I'm just gonna take
half today because...

I need to be
starting withdrawals

before I do the ceremony.

-[Tyler] Do you want to?
-[Adrianne] Yeah.

[Tyler]
Do you wanna just do it here?

-[Adrianne] Yeah.
-[Tyler] Do you wanna...

-let Nick film this?
-[Adrianne] No!

[Tyler] Where you gonna do it?

Fuck!

[Tyler] Here. Here, here.
Some of them are busted open.

-Here's a tissue.
-[Adrianne] OK.

[Tyler] Just keep
that. That's enough.

[laughing]

[Tyler] You should have
just had your purse open.

-I know but, I--
-[Tyler] It would have been

the easiest thing in the world.

No, it wasn't. I was scared.

Nine, ten...

-[Tyler] Here, give 'em to me.
-No, I want them.

[Tyler] Adrianne, I've got--
I've got the pill bottle here

and we'll give
them to the nurse.

[Adrianne] I don't care.
I don't need a pill bottle.

'Cause I'm gonna decide if
I take those other five later.

[suspenseful music]

That's...

what dogs do.

*

It all worked out.

[Patrick Fishley] You don't
have any sharp objects?

[Adrianne]
No. I don't think so.

[Patrick]
And if I don't do this, then...

you're gonna be
like "Oh, this guy

doesn't really
take it seriously."

Jesus...

-But it's just clothes.
-Good God.

Have your whole
apartment in here.

[Adrianne] Sorry. Well, I had
a rough day getting here.

You did. You did, right?

I had a rough
week, getting here.

[Patrick] Mm-hm. So, I'm
just glad you're here, right?

[Adrianne] Me too.

-Hey.
-Hey, how are you?

-Good, how are you?
-Good.

-Hi
-Hi, Mark.

-Hi.
-Hi.

Hi, nice to see you again.

[Trevor] This is the
woman of the hour.

I took 300 milligrams
last night.

-[Gabor] 300?
-Yeah, so I only took the half.

I'm starting to feel a
little bit uncomfortable,

just, like, that fatigue.

You're going through withdrawal?

-Yeah.
-It'd be nice for you just to

talk and just share
what you think about

what's going on,
maybe, with the world.

Well, I think rather
than the general lecture,

let's just talk with them about
where they're at in the world.

[Mark] Sounds good.

[Adrianne]
So, you've done iboga?

-I've done iboga.
-Yeah, OK.

[Adrianne]
I actually started using heroin

to manage my cocaine addiction.

The cocaine was working
for a while, but, you know,

10, 15 years down the road...

So, actually-- so the addiction
wasn't your problem.

The addiction was your
attempt to solve a problem.

Yeah.

No, I never did. I always
do things last minute.

-Do you know?
-[Adrianne] With stimulants.

Exactly, so it was a
self-medication for you

in a sense.
It's that simple.

So, the cocaine
makes you more focused.

It's-- it's how you coped.

Yeah.

The substance gave you

at least a temporarily
desirable state.

It wasn't a bad thing.

It was actually a way of
feeling more yourself, more...

in charge of your life
and less overwhelmed.

And you weren't
sexually abused either?

[Adrianne] Not that I know--
not that I can remember. Yeah.

OK.

[woman] How would you approach
this kind of conversation

with somebody who does not have
the memories of their youth?

Who cannot dig out exactly,
you know, what they felt like--

People will go into
the iboga experience

and memories will come up that

they never were
conscious of before.

I have a memory of going
to this house and being babysat

and I just have this very
terrible feeling about it,

but I don't know
why. Like, I just...

did not like it there.

Yeah, I think that's
what I'm afraid of.

-[Gabor Maté] What's that?
-That's what I'm afraid of.

Why are you afraid of it?

Because I don't like feeling
uncomfortable. I don't like...

negative emotions. I
had a really hard time

identifying it the first
time I went to treatment

like, my only emotion
was good or bad.

[Gabor Maté]
Tell me something.

It would be a negative
emotion to me.

-It would be negative?
-Yeah.

[Gabor Maté]
Why would it be negative?

'Cause it would feel
uncomfortable and I don't like--

Yes, you would.

And if I were to cut
you with a knife,

you may not like it, but the
whole point is not to like it

because if you don't like it,
you're gonna move away from it.

-Right.
-So, it's necessary, right?

So, if in that house,
for whatever reason...

you feel uncomfortable,

are those negative feelings or
are those necessary feelings?

-Necessary.
-[Gabor Maté] OK.

Here, if those feelings
come up, you're not alone.

Yeah.

[Nick] How are you feeling that
you're about to be embarking

-on this iboga journey?
-I don't know, it's just--

it's hard to believe that
I'm not gonna suffer.

I just think about what
it was like in detox

and that was fucking awful.

Like, so awful.

I've never been so
sick in my life.

[Mark Howard]
How you feeling? What's up?

Um, I don't feel great.

Well, we should-- you should
come down to the temple now.

-[Adrianne] Really?
-[Mark] Yep.

[ominous music]

[Mark] This is about, like,
you know, taking on tonight

the opportunity just to
be nice to yourselves.

You know what I mean? Let's
just get you guys cleaned up.

What this is about
is just a detox.

You know, we'll work
on the rest later.

But tonight, the medicine is
gonna work on a physical level.

OK, I'm gonna torch this
place in about two seconds.

I'm going to set up a
ring of fire around us.

So if you feel freaked
out, that's OK.

No one's gonna die,
no one's gonna be hurt.

I don't want to do it.

[horn blowing]

Iboga goes deep...

-to the root cause.
-Check her pulse.

I've been down
the addicted path

and the partying endlessly.

You're always trying to
get something that is, like,

never gonna fulfill you as
much as just being yourself.

I can't do this.

OK, I'm gonna go talk to her.

[rhythmic percussion]

[Patrick] You know, her
vital signs remain stable.

She's, you know, nice and calm.

She had a really good
night with the medicine.

[Mark] You know, she's
different but very weak

because the battle
has tired her out.

She needs rest, right?
You know what I mean?

[Patrick Fishley]
She's going through a lot.

At the same time,
she's a strong girl.

[Patrick] Well, you're
looking better this morning.

[Mark]
She looks bright.

A day in the life of Adrianne.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Everything is just so strange.

It's gonna be a long road,
but it's an awesome start.

[Tyler] I called your
dad and let him know

everything's going the
way it's supposed to go.

Yeah?

OK.

[Nick] So what were
we seeing up there?

You're seeing a computer
getting completely wiped.

[Tyler]
What are you gonna do today?

[Adrianne]
I don't know.

[Tyler]
Snowboarding or something?

[Patrick]
You're not gonna want--

I can go snowboarding.

I can, if I want to.

It's like she's a
kid or something.

[Mark]
She is a kid.

It reduces people down
to that baby level.

We gotta rebuild them back up.

[Tyler]
Did you like it?

[Adrianne]
Mm-hm.

Yeah, very much.

It was very wonderful.

[Tyler]
It looks fun.

Yeah, just the funnest, like...

[Tyler]
Should Nick do iboga?

[quietly]
Fun, funny. Yep.

Yes, you should.

Yes, he should.

Yeah, Nick, you should.

-[Nick] I'm gonna do it.
-Yeah.

[Nick] I want to. It looks
like a trip, looks fun.

Looks like it puts you
in a good frame of mind.

[Adrianne]
Oh, yeah, like...

right. Yeah, the...

[murmuring quietly]

[Tyler]
You trying to do a thumbs up?

Yeah.

[speaking gibberish]

[gibberish continues]

She was like a
young, little child.

[speaking gibberish]

-[Tyler] Is this normal?
-Yeah.

[Mark]
Ice cream?

You cool with that?

Maybe not like that.

[Mark]
Can you get her a wipe?

It'll be OK.

[Mark] It's like we
haven't been feeding her.

Nothing to worry about.

That was the most amazing
thing I've had in my life.

[Mark]
And then she went to, like,

a teenager, getting nastier.

[tapping]

Have you had a chance to get
up and wash your face yet?

You might feel a little better.

Get these lazy
kids back to work.

[Nick]
Do you need anything, Adrianne?

-Any water or anything?
-No.

[Tyler] Well, we'll
get some anyways.

Are you fucking kidding me?

[Tyler]
You don't have to drink it.

I'm just putting it back.

[Mark] Parents take care of
a lot of things for kids.

Eventually what it's like--
she's like a bird, you know,

you're going to have to
kick her out of the nest

and she's going to have
to learn to fly on her own.

[Patrick] Yeah. How's
that make you feel?

It's, like, just crazy.

Did you ever think
it was possible?

No, I didn't.
Even up until--

I just didn't believe it.

It was like
"there's no way."

I'm just, like, so blown away.

Yeah.

I just wanna go and
yell from the rooftops,

and just tell everybody,
"You have to do this."

Dad.

[sniffling]

I'm good.

I'm in detox.

I'm just in bed.

No, I'm good.
I'm really good.

[Mark] You take away the drugs,
now the mind's left on its own.

I don't feel any
withdrawals. Nothing.

[Mark]
The medicine is so powerful

that it's like a rebirth.

I just got out of bed
for the first time.

I've been just out flat on
my back for, like, five days.

[Mark]
We're very early into this.

-[background phone chatter]
-OK.

OK. OK. Bye.

Maybe I should get up again?

[Tyler]
Yeah, let's go downstairs.

I don't want to really.

[Nick]
It's almost like whatever

she's suppressing
with the heroin

is starting to come
to the surface.

Oh, totally. It's 100%.

Every addict is the same thing.

They all had something
really bad happen.

Addicts just aren't
addicts by choice.

Addicts are covering pain
and hurt and sorrow and grief

and all kinds of
different things.

[Adrianne] Whoo!
I just need to keep moving.

[Geoff Acres]
She's not cured from drugs yet.

Like, she's reliving some
moment over and over and over.

[Nick]
Did she say it was something

from her past that she's seeing?

She didn't say anything.
She just wouldn't tell me.

She's not ready
to deal with it.

Something happened
in that house, right?

And there could be more.

[shower spraying]

I'll be right outside the
door if you need us, OK?

Iboga always works.

It just can be a
bumpy road sometimes.

I'm really tired and, like,
I'm just really restless.

I've been sleeping
for, like, five days.

[loud moaning]

I just can't lay here anymore.

Fuck! Fuck this!

[Tyler] Mark says once
you take a bit more iboga

then this feeling will go away.

[Adrianne] Ahh!
I need to do it now, please.

I don't want to
do this anymore

[Mark] Ceremony will come fast
if you just kind of rest, OK?

I can't rest anymore.

-[Tyler] Yeah?
-Yeah.

-That's what's going on here.
-[Tyler] And what's that again?

The more you push her, the
more her brain activates.

[pops]
She needs a journey.

[Adrianne] I just feel like
everything all at once.

[Mark] That's why we're
gonna do iboga tonight.

[beeping sounds
from opening safe]

There's obviously
residual drugs

and anxiety feelings
in there, right?

And that's what
iboga is good for.

It's good for going in and
kicking all that stuff out.

[suspenseful music]

[Mark] When you're
young and events happen

or trauma happens
or suffering happens,

you begin to forget and lose
track of who the hell you are.

What do you think
about yourself?

I don't like myself very much.

Why?

I don't know.

-Ever thought about it?
-No.

-You think it's a good time to?
-Yeah.

What if you had a little girl?

[Mark] What if I said your
soul is like a little girl?

Yeah.

[Mark]
You've got to just learn

to be comfortable
in your own body.

It takes practice.

And the problem with
heavy drugs as we've seen

is that they destroy

one's ability to make any sort
of reasonable choices anymore

until, barely, you make
it to a place like this

where you might have a chance.

It's not too late.

You're, like, right on time.

You know now that you're
out of the dark alleys

and you can start
seeing the light,

you understand that
that light is in you.

And understand that
making a good decision

is based on love
for yourself.

The problem with our society is

there's no real guidance
system that's inside,

connecting us to
making good decisions.

You know, and then
we make bad decisions

and that makes us feel worse.

So, we make more bad decisions.

And so the only answer
we have is to run.

You know? Out of fear.

What's something
that's bothering you

that you would let go?

Maybe letting go of the notion

that you're not good
enough is a good start.

"I'm not good enough
so I can hang out down here

in these streets
and get wasted."

Adrianne, are you feeling
the medicine over there?

Feel that medicine?

-Feel the new one?
-Mm-Hm.

-Are you cool with it?
-Mm-hm.

All right. Good.

Oh, I massively, massively
lied and underestimated

and grossly misrepresented
the amount of heroin

I was still using
on a daily basis.

-[Tyler] Are you serious?
-[Nick] To us?

-Yeah.
-[Nick] Adrianne...

It's not funny.
It's not funny at all.

It's sad, but, ugh...

No, I, like--

I was taking points
of heroin a day.

[Geoff]
Are you ready to go?

-Yeah. Let's go. Hurry up.
-Let's go, we're gonna miss it.

[Tyler]
With you lying so much,

like, what would
have happened without--

Like, I know that this is
really hard for you to get--

like to understand,

but I don't have-- I
didn't have the capacity

to be honest about
anything before.

I just did not have
that capability.

[Tyler] What was
the end game though?

Let's say that this didn't work
or this didn't even happen?

Death.

Oh cool, so we would
have been documenting--

But that isn't
the ending, Tyler.

So we don't need
to worry about it.

Yeah, but we went months not
even knowing what iboga was.

[Adrianne]
Well, now you know.

I'm just telling
you the truth now

because I'm coming
clean about everything.

Obviously that happens
with a lot of people.

It's OK, you're here

but you were on more
drugs than what we knew.

All I got to help heal
anybody is the truth.

Look how fucking
far you've come.

It's the first time you've
had to deal with stress.

Yeah, I just escape
all the time.

Well, yeah, what's bad with
just being in it right now?

It's safe. You're
not in danger.

It might be
uncomfortable and crazy,

but it's like everything,
it'll get better.

You got to make it
to that point, right?

[Adrianne] Yeah.

So, I think right now,
movie and popcorn.

-OK.
-You know what I mean?

Before, it was
morphine and heroin

and now it's
movie and popcorn.

I want to see a movie
anyway, so I was like,

"What can we do?"
We can sit around and--

[Tyler]
That wouldn't be too intense?

I don't know.
What's too intense?

I think she's too intense, so.

[chuckling]

If I take you,
like, downtown,

you're not going to run
away from me, right?

-No. OK.
-I'm fast.

OK. Let's go.

[Nick] Geoff, do you
want to go to her house

and grab the stuff?

[Geoff]
I can do that, yeah.

[Mark] Can they go to
your house and clean it up?

Under my bed, um, there's
a pouch and it's full of shit.

Like, full.

[Nick] What are we gonna
go do right now, Geoff?

Get rid of the shit!

Everyone keeps their bags

because they all have
residue on the side

and when you run out of drugs,
you take all your bags

and you scrape the
residue off the sides

and you end up with
enough to use.

She's gonna have stashes
in there, for sure,

and she could have stashed
stuff when she was fucked up

-and she forgot about too.
-[Tyler] Hello.

-[Dad] Come on in.
-[Tyler] How's it going?

-Good, how are you?
-Good.

-Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.

She's through the
detox. She's good.

It's been either nine or ten
days today that she's drug free.

Today she's gone...
downhill a little bit.

But there's lots
of ups and downs.

She's still got further to go
but she's doing really well.

-Right, she's a tough girl.
-Good.

I know you've had many
years of hearing this

and believing it, but
this time she's gonna--

Yeah, I know she's
determined, so...

Yeah, she's determined.

She just needs
more treatment.

Oh, yeah?

She's gonna come back
for another week

then she'll never have
a need to use again.

[Dad] Yeah. OK. Well, her
room's just around here.

Just go ahead
and do your thing.

[Geoff] I'm gonna lift
this mattress up and see.

This could be $10
to $100 per bag.

She'd probably end up
with a gram or two grams.

See the pile? Look at the size
of this pile of baggies here.

-Holy shit!
-You save them

and then you cut them,
you fold it out.

Then you just
scrape it with a card

and then she'd end up
with a pile at the end.

The same with the pipe.
You can break the pipe in half

and scrape the residue
off the pipe.

That's what she uses
to snort it with.

This is what she used
to smoke it with.

OK. I want to look in
this cabinet right here.

You can just look in and see.

And that had baggies
in it too, right?

There's dozens and dozens
and dozens of them.

There's baggies
full of baggies here.

We could spend the
next four hours

going through every pocket but

I don't want to go through
her dirty clothes, do you?

[chuckling]

[Tyler] Nope.

That's empty anyways.

All right, good?

[Dad]
OK. Good seeing you guys.

-Take care.
-Thanks for coming by.

[Nick]
That was kind of shocking.

You know, we've been, uh,

we've been spending time
with her for six months.

And we know she's
a heroin addict.

And it's so bizarre

because she doesn't
act like a heroin addict

most of the time
that we talk to her,

just conversations that we have
and everything, she seems--

What does a heroin addict
act like, though?

I guess-- acts like her.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, but that's
the small percentage.

The large percentage
are functioning addicts

that you never know.

You walk by them
all day, every day.

Doctors, lawyers, judges.

There's no one that's immune.

And then there are
the unfortunate people

that get hooked by mistake

when the doctors
prescribe them opiates.

Then they take them off and they
go through huge withdrawals.

They got no choice but
to go to street drugs.

Then they realize that
the opiates are no good.

They can't prescribe
opiates anymore

because everyone's
getting addicted to it.

So what do they do? They
come up with methadone.

"Oh, methadone's even better.

They're hooked on
it for life now."

Like, other than iboga,

there's pretty much no other
way to get off methadone.

You're fucked for life.

I'm sure there's a small
percentage of people,

like, very small,

that can slowly wean
themselves off, but...

how are you supposed to do
that when you go to the doctor

and you ask to get your
prescription weaned--

cut down and they double it?

Like, it's ridiculous.

I'm so hopeful for Adrianne
because Adrianne--

she reminds me a
lot of my daughter,

she's very similar, just...

similar story and similar use.

And I'm really, really
hoping this works for her

because then there's
hope for my daughter.

But you look at the pictures of
her, happy little girl, right?

As a father, it's
just horrible to...

to see what your
little girl's turned into.

[Tyler]
Her dad's in the waiting room.

[Mark Howard] It's a process.
It's not something that

you know, people should
just look at and say,

"Hey, look, there's
this thing out there.

Let's just go do that
and then I'm fucking good."

It's like a springy box inside
that's being held down.

You have to deal with...

whatever's inside that
people are afraid to face.

[Dad]
I'm not sure.

What does she want?

And I said, "No.
Out of the question.

Not happening."

[Nick]
Temptation is everywhere.

Certainly. I can't blame you
for trying to help yourself in

whatever way seems
to make sense.

[Adrianne]
Yeah, I know. Thank you guys.

Those doctors, they were
so kind and compassionate

and when I said no to methadone,

they didn't get aggressive
with me like the other doctors.

They didn't make me
wait for six hours.

They helped me. They know
what I'm going through.

They're like, "You
need medical attention."

They're like, "You
were on 1,000 milligrams

of fucking dope.

You think GABA over the counter
is gonna fucking do anything?"

[Tyler]
It was 12 days ago, though.

I'm still detoxing.

I'm still in withdrawals.

I didn't get it
out of my system

because if what
they say is true,

I should be dead
from 20 milligrams.

I didn't feel a fucking thing.

My case was a
very severe case.

Probably had I weaned down,
this may not have gone this way.

Like if I had cut
down more and more,

but I never said that
plants don't work.

I'm still a firm believer
that there's a place for both,

but I'm not going to just throw
the baby out with the bathwater

and, you know,
listen to just Garyth

or, like, just the doctor.

I can make decisions for
myself. I'm educated. Like...

I'm capable of some
rational thought.

Sometimes.

And I know I made
the right decision.

-[Tyler] That's good.
-[Adrianne] Yeah, so...

I'm sorry that that
may be disappointing

for your documentary.

But that's my truth
and I can't--

[Nick] Documentary? I don't
give a fuck. Are you kidding me?

Yeah, who cares about
this stupid thing anyway?

[Tyler] You went in on twice
as much as what you said

and Mark said he would
never treat somebody--

Do you want to, like,
rub that in again?

Do you want to like...

Yeah, it happened.
I'm sorry.

But I believe because
I was dishonest,

grossly dishonest about
how much I was using,

and-- to myself,
to everyone,

that there was complications,
wires were crossed.

Trevor was involved,
Garyth was involved,

you know, all these people
are involved and I'm lying.

Like, I really appreciate

everything you guys
have done for me,

but at the end of the day,
you have not lived addiction.

And I'm not--
it's not a cop-out.

Like, I have tried so hard.

Do you think those
people downtown

grew up thinking that's
where they wanted to be?

Do you think they
want to be face down

with their pants on the ground,

and a fucking needle
sticking out of their arm?

That's no way to live.
Nobody makes that choice.

[Tyler] We're just here trying
to bring you through it.

[Adrianne]
You can't understand addiction.

It won't make sense
to you ever.

It's because of
our fucked system.

The Downtown Eastside has
become acceptable in our society

and no one's willing to
do anything about it.

And no one's talking.
It's no one's fault.

The problem is that
you've got these two sides.

You've got plant medicines

and then you've got
the Western medicine

and they're just like this

and they don't
listen to each other.

If they started talking
and working out a solution,

there may be a
common middle ground

that could really help people.

[Tyler]
Don't you feel like

you're significantly
improved, though,

-from even two weeks ago?
-[Adrianne] Yes!

I just think that
I was not detoxed.

[Tyler] And the fact that
you're back on morphine,

in a way, it kind of
makes sense, right?

What's gonna get you through
to the next week, right?

[mellow instrumental music]

[Mark] When the mind's
going all over the place,

that's what your life does,

and that's why you're
down on the streets,

because, you know,
for whatever reason

you didn't like your reality
so you decide to escape from it.

And then that's where
the drugs come

because you want to
keep living an illusion.

-Yeah.
-It's all good.

It's just all shit
you just picked up,

especially with having
hard addictions.

Man, I've been there.
We just do crazy shit.

What types of
answers do we want

to help you move forward
in life for real?

[Adrianne]
What is my passion?

Yeah, something that
I'm passionate about,

and that fuels me
and that I love doing.

[Mark] How about
"How can I love myself?"

Imagine if you treated
yourself like a cat?

"How can I treat
myself like my cat?"

Think about that.

"...like my cat."

That's kind of a funny question,
but you know what I mean?

It's got a lot of pertinent
relevance, you know?

The best way to love yourself
is to just be yourself.

It's time to
really move forward.

Now it's time to
move out of the--

being stuck in the mud and
being stuck in the addiction.

You come here
because, you know,

you've heard that iboga
has something about it

or it can give you whatever
you think you need in your life.

Iboga is not gonna give
or take anything away.

It's going to show
you how to do it.

All it's going to take is
caring about yourself enough

to make really good
choices for yourself.

You know, it's not about
what other people think about.

It's about what's
really good for you.

You're better off knowing
about yourself than anything.

The biggest fear you should
have is not knowing yourself.

[Chor] Look...

at who...

you're going to love...

for the rest...

of your life.

Who do you love?

[sniffing]

[Tyler]
Did you throw up last night?

[Adrianne]
I threw up a lot last night

and it was, like--

it was awful because I
was dry heaving, and...

[gasping and soft muttering]

[quietly]
Oh, shit...

And then you puke up iboga,

and it tastes
worse coming out.

It's so bitter.

[Nick] When was the last
time you had some morphine?

About two days ago,
I guess. Two days ago

I had my last dose of
80 milligrams of morphine.

[Nick]
What was it like last night?

[Adrianne] My journey took me
to some really dark places,

but I guess that's
where I needed to go.

I was outside myself
watching myself in that alley

and someone started
to beat me up

and smashed my head
into the side of a wall.

I saw my own death.

It was awful.
It was violent.

[Nick]
Do you recognize the alley?

It's the alley I always go to.

[Tyler] Do you think that's
a sign? Like a message?

[Adrianne] It just made me see
that I actually do want to live

and that I value life.

I don't want to ever let go
of that, or forget that...

it's only a short time
we have with people.

You never know when
they're gonna die.

I'm just tired of
being a selfish jerk.

Just...

been out doing what
I needed to do to get

high and drunk
and whatever else,

and it didn't matter
what I did to anybody else.

[low melodic music]

[announcer] This is the
Jon McComb Show On Demand

on 980 CKNW.

[Jon] So, are you off
opiates all together now?

Yes. I've been sober for just
coming up on four months now,

so it's been a pretty
amazing journey.

[Jon] And here you are on
the radio talking about it.

Yeah.
[sighing]

Everything's been
just crazy, right?

My relationship with
you guys now, being sober.

You better not have,
like, done some drugs

out of this thing
and then I get framed.

[Tyler] Negative, negative,
negative, negative, negative.

I'm always surprised
when I wake up sober

because for so many days and
months and years, I couldn't...

stay sober for more
than five minutes.

If I have to do a mushroom
session or an iboga session

once a month or once
every three months,

that's a lot better than taking
antidepressants every day

or using heroin every day,
which was my solution to life.

I'm sure some
people might think

that I'm just substituting
one drug for another

and, you know, how
is this any better?

And, for me, personally,
they're just not the same

because I had to use
every single day

and I was using
to escape myself.

And it caused me immense pain
and suffering in the end

and that's not my experience
with psychedelics.

I use them in a
therapeutic setting

with someone who is experienced
at guiding me through that.

And it helps me immensely

in my personal
development and healing.

Anxiety is a part of my life

and I just maybe
want to go in

and ask the medicine sort of,
"What's the root of that anxiety

and how do I manage it?"

-Perfect.
-Yeah.

[Trevor] Yeah, I think
that's a perfect intent

for going in
with this medicine

I've seen it work specifically
on anxiety for a lot of people

Let go.
Surrender.

Go downstream.

-She sat up and...
-[chuckling]

was just--
"Holy fuck."

[sobbing]

[whispers]
Holy fuck.

[sobbing]

Holy fuck.

Holy... fuck.

[breathing deeply]

I know that I never, ever

fucking need to use
another drug again.

Like ever.

Holy fuck!

In that moment,

I felt every single
human emotion, like grief,

joy, pain,
sadness, gratitude.

It, like, shook me to my core.

-[Trevor] Six grams, yeah.
-Holy fuck, that was crazy.

Yesterday was the first day
that I woke up with no anxiety.

I feel like my anxiety is really
just life trying to get in

and I've been constantly,
like, damping that down

and trying to push life away.

And now I know that I
don't have to live that way.

I feel like I woke up from
this terrible nightmare.

Like I just showed
up to my life.

That experience was the most
intense, profound experience

that I've ever
had in my life.

What is this?
I feel weird.

[Trevor chuckling]
You're on mushrooms.

Oh, my God.

I saw God, for sure.

And in that moment I saw
the truth about my existence.

It sounds like a cliché
but it's just love

and I feel
connected to myself.

It's really, like,
intense and beautiful.

That experience was
because of everybody, right?

I couldn't have
done it without,

like, your help
and Mark and Garyth

and I mean Patrick,
Geoff, like, everybody!

I can't even begin
to list everybody

that's helped me
on my journey.

[Trevor]
Now, it's time to microdose.

Now-- now microdosing
will be very effective.

Just that tiny
subperceptual bit

that is an antidepressant.

[Adrianne]
So, I found that macrodosing

is what I needed to get sober.

But in the last seven months,

I've been microdosing with
mushrooms and with ibogaine

and I really attribute
that to how I feel today

and staying sober and staying
on that spiritual path.

There's quite a bit of stigma
around using psychedelics.

Unfortunately, it's still
quite difficult to access

those services. It's not widely
available to everybody.

I was extremely lucky.

I want to get that
message out there,

and for other people
to see the benefits

that this medicine can have.

When we started
this journey,

I was just in a really
desperate and dark place

and, um...
[sniffling]

I was willing to try
anything at that point

and it was sort
of my last hope.

I didn't know if I could
hold on much longer.

It's not about what
happened in the house.

Everybody has their
"house" or the thing

that they're working through.

It doesn't really
matter what mine is.

Everybody has their own story

and the details are different
but it doesn't matter.

The feelings are the same

and the pain and
suffering is the same.

And the destruction that
drugs and alcohol cause

in a person's life is the same.

It's not why the addiction,
it's why the pain.

And whatever your pain is...

recovery and sobriety is about
how we move forward from that

and what we do with that.

* I'm holding on

* I'm trying
to belong *

* Waiting for the day

* I'm waiting for
someone else to see *

* The other side of me

* The other
side of me *

[Adrianne] Aw, there's
little mushrooms on it!

[cheerful chattering]

* I see the empty faces
that are ghosts of us *

* Let out like
stars in the sky *

* Waiting for
the sun to rise *

* I dream of waking up

* Before everyone I know
has lost their way *

* Can't you see?

* No, no

* What to believe

* I'm holding on

* I'm trying to belong

* Waiting for the day

* I'm waiting for
someone else to see *

* The other side of me

* The other side of me

*

* The other side of me

* The other side of me

*

* The other side of me

* The other side of me *

[music fades]