All language subtitles for two.and.a.half.men.s03e10.hdtv.xvid-xor.vo

Pretty fancy prices here.

Yeah, well, just so we're clear,

I am picking up the tab tonight.

Okay.

This is my celebration. I invited you.

Fine.

So don't go grabbin' the check.

I won't touch the check.

I mean, if you wanna leave the tip
that would be alright.

I could do that.

I-I usually leave 15%,

but if you wanna give 20,

that's your call.

Thank you.

Unless you think it's easier
if we just split the check.

Whatever.

Of course in, uh, in many families

if someone is celebrating some good news

his brother would insist on buying dinner.

Then why don't I do that.

But, uh, but I'll leave the tip.

One question...

What?

Do you have any money?

No.

I, uh, I left my wallet at home.

You mean...

this wallet?

Oh good, you found it!

I-I was looking all over.

So, uh, uh, where did we leave things?
You're paying?

-We're splitting?
-Oh, just shut up!

So anyway, what's this good news
you're celebrating?

It's a surprise.
I wanna wait till mom gets here.

Yes Jake, we see the spoon on your nose.

Now stop it!

Can you do it?

I don't wanna do it!
Now behave yourself.

Oh! Work with me!

Just wonderful!

You pick a restaurant
that has no valet.

I had to park 3 blocks away,

and then schlep here in shoes
that are not made for walking.

I've got a blister the size of a communion wafer

and if mummy doesn't get
something to drink immediatly,

things are gonna get very ugly!

Let the celebration begin!

Maybe the lesson here mom

is to buy shoes that are made for walking.

Is it just me?

In a perfect world it would be.

Well, anyway, I'm here

so what's your big announcement Alan?

Jake! Get that spoon off your nose!

You don't know where it's been.

It's been on my nose!

You really must start looking at trade schools for the boy.

Now that we are all here...

I-I have some good news to share.

Uh, this is not gonna be out on the news
stands before a couple of days, but I

have an advanced copy.

Good doctor, good neighbor, good guy.

Good God!

Hey dad, you're famous.

Uh, well, not really.

Well, among the readers of the
Tarzana Penny Saver maybe a little.

Don't forget the homeless people
who make underpants out of it.

Charlie! Don't be disrespectful.

Thank you, mom.

So, how much advertising did you have to buy

in exchange for this puff piece?

Why do you assume
that I had to buy advertising?

I-Is it that hard to believe

that a local newspaper
might run a cover story

about a-a successful local chiropractor?

Well, frankly, yes.

Unless the local chiropractor

shot 4 people to death in a mini-mart

and then turned the weapon on himself.

You know,

I get why Charlie has never been able
to acknowledge my accomplishments,

he's a self-centered hedonist
who can't get behind anyone

unless they're drunk
and bent over a pool table.

That's fair.

But my own mother!

Yooooouuu're up!

Refusing to even fane interest.

I did so fane interest!

You assumed I-I had to buy advertising
to get the article.

Well did you?

Neighborhood advertising
is a good investment.

But that is not the point.

Alright dear, what is the point?

The point is

that I can't even get a simple "Atta boy"

from my own mother.

Oh, well... I'm sorry.

Atta boy.

Feel better?

No, I do not feel better.

Did I not say it right?

You know what... forget it.

Let's just order, eat and get out of here.

Oh, uh, one more of these
and please keep 'em coming.

I'll buy the drinks.

U-unless you wanna split it with me.

Episode 3x10
Something salted and twisted

Transcript : Abby_e

Synchro : Relaxx

Corrections : Bouliii + nColas

An-an-and you know what else,

you know what else?

No Alan, what else?

I cannot believe
that our-our mother made us carry her

to her car, just because she had

a teenie-weenie little blister on her foot.

Well, hopefully the next time
we have to carry her

she'll be in a handy urn.

Oh, oh, I'll pay for the urn
if you get the cremation.

Done.

Jake! Where's my son?

Right here dad.

Oh, oh, good, good.

Uh, uh, now listen boy.

Your old dad is not going to be here for-

Is not going to be here forever.

And, and when I'm gone,

I want there to be no doubt in your mind

that I was as proud as punch

about all of your accomplishments.

No matter how minuscule.

Boy, you're really plowed aren't you?

No. Your daddy doesn't get plowed.

He just gets a little bzzz.

Bzzz.

Anyway, the-the important thing,

for you to know,

is how much I love you.

You told the waiter you loved him too.

He was a very good waiter.

And, it's also important for you to know,

that you can be anything you want.

Anything in the world.

No I can't.

You're right, that's a crock.

But...

I love you

and you have cheeks like a beaver.

Now go to bed.

You know that

we've been learning
about alcohol abuse at school,

and if you ever need a new liver
you can have half of mine.

Hey hey hey hey.

I thought we had a deal.

Oh yeah. Sorry dad.

Best 5 bucks I ever spent.

Now come on...

let's tuck you into bed.

Wh-why can't my mother appreciate me?

A-all I wanted was one sincere "Atta boy!".

I-is that too much to ask?

Atta boy!

You know, that looks
like the last of the scallops.

Now all we gotta do is wait for dessert.

Rainbow sherbet.

Oh, that should be pretty.

You know,

I have spent

my entire life

trying to please mom.

To make her proud of me, but no more.

I-I am done trying.

Good for you.

Oh, uh, excuse me.

No.

You know, if you put the seat down

it's easier to rest your arms.

Oh, you're right.

You're a wise man Charlie Harper.

Well I do have a few pockets
of specialized knowledge.

Some might call it wisdom.

And it seems warmer too.

It's further away
from the cooling effect of the water.

Not to mention the residual body heat
accrued from thousands of ass hours.

Wow!

You've really given a lot of thought to this.

I'm thinking of writing a book.

And I will read it.

Thank you.

You know what I am, Charlie?

Yes.

I am a pathological people pleaser.

Oh, I had an entirely different answer.

But-but more accurately,

I-I am a woman pleaser.

No Alan, I am a woman pleaser.

You're a lonely guy speckled with vomit.

No, I-I-I-I'm not speaking physically,

I-I'm speaking psycholo-psychologic-gically.

With-with-with mom, with-with Judith.

I-w-with every woman I've ever met.

I-I have twisted myself into knots

just trying to-trying to get 'em to like me.

I mean my-my-my education,
my-my job, my-my clothes.

My-my car, my-my very behavior...

all chosen simply to get women
to a-approve o-of me.

And how has that worked out for you?

They don't approve of me.

But I am going to change, Charlie.

I am no longer

going to grovel

for mom's approval,
or-or the approval of any, any woman.

I am going to live

the remainder of my life

with pride.

And-and a quiet noble dignity.

But first I'll sleep
with my head in the crapper.

Can I make you some oatmeal?

I got cereal.

I know.

I just thought you might enjoy something hot

and quiet.

No.

Do you have a hangover?

Yeah...

drinking that much was a stupid thing to do.

Then why did you do it?

I don't know Jake.

Maybe I'm just stupid.

Or, maybe you just don't apply yourself.

Can we stop talking for a while?

Okay.

Although I do like
a little conversation at breakfast.

Mornin' everybody.

Ssshh. He's hungovered.

Oh yeah.

Well,

isn't this an ironic turn of events?

Me, waking up feeling all bright
and chipper, and you...

looking like a stool sample.

Not a big irony fan, huh?

Charlie...

Yeah?

Either stop talking,

or at least have the decency to kill me.

Boy, I'm never gonna drink.

Good job.

You scarred the kid for life.

Now he's gonna have to face Junior High sober.

Just-Just tell me one thing.

What's that?

Did I really tell the waiter
I loved him last night?

You had to say something
after a kiss like that.

God!

I took care of your bathroom.

Thank you.

I hope you like
the smell of pine-scented puke.

So, did I do anything else I'm gonna regret?

Well, you paid for dinner.

Oh, geez!

And after we got home, there was some

drunken blubbering
about how you weren't gonna grovel

for the approval of women anymore.

Oh right.

I almost forgot.

I-I had a life changing epiphany last night.

Was this before or after you
yacked up a hunk of your esophagus?

No no, it-it's no joke.

I-I've reached a turning point.

From this day on, uh,

my actions will no longer be predicated on

pleasing the castrating
mother figures in my life.

Wh-Wh-what's so funny?

Nothing.

I think she doubts your epiphany.

She'll see.

They'll all see.

Starting now, I am a new Alan.

Oh damn! I think I wet myself.

Starting now,
I will fear no woman's disapproval.

Oh God! That's Judith.

I was supposed to have Jake ready,
she's gonna kill me!

Okay, starting now.

Good for you.

-Oh, I better get that.
-Better wait.

What she thinks of you doesn't matter.

The only thing that counts
is what you think of you.

You're right.

It's what I think of me.

Alan?

I had so much potential.

Okay, forget what you think of you.

Yeah, I'm probably too close to me
to see me clearly.

Yeah, that's it.

Oh, do I smell like vomit?

Don't worry I'll stand next to you,
she'll assume it's me.

Good, good.

Hi Alan. Is Jake ready?

No he is not.

You said you'd have him ready.

Well I don't.

And if that makes you unhappy with me,

well, I don't give a rat's furry ass!

What did you just say to me?

Nothing, I'm sorry. Jake!

-Starting now?
-Starting soon.

You know what that smell is?

Epiphany

for men.

So, how long you have been in Los Angeles?

About 8 months.

I haven't got a single audition yet.

Yes, it can be a tough town when you don't know anybody.

So you got like a head shot or a resume?

Is he ok?

I don't know.

Sir, are you ok?

I thought we came here to talk.

Not to each other!

Alright let's talk.
What's bothering you?

I changed my mind.
I don't wanna talk about it.

Talk or die!

Alright.

I'm depressed.

I-I wanna change, but-but I can't.

Whenever I'm confronted
by a disapproving woman,

something inside me just crumbles.

Well, I don't know, maybe that's just...
who you are.

You know,

fish gotta swim,

birds gotta fly,

you gotta crumble.

What I don't understand

is that I can intellectually see the problem,

but I just can't do anything about it.

Oh, uh, excuse me miss,

can I have more
of these little pretzels please?

In a minute!

Okay, sorry, no hurry.

Look, it's very simple.

You were conditionned as a child
to seek mom's approval.

You're still seeking mom's approval

and you make every woman in the world
a substitute mom.

B-but what about you?
W-we had the same mother.

Well I handle my conditionning
in a different way.

I have casual and often degrading sex
with my substitue moms, but

we're talking about you not me,
so forget about that.

Oh, how I'll try.

But-but how do you deal
with the fear of disapproval?

I-I mean you must
get shut down occasionally.

Occasionally? Constantly.

Constantly?

Occasionally.

It's a numbers game, Alan.

We all want the shiny apple
on top of the tree.

But, sometimes you gotta settle
for one on a lower branch.

And of course there's times
when you just gotta

pick up whatever's lying on the ground and

put it in your mouth.

But, how do you manage to

keep going on in the face
of constant rejection?

Occasional rejection!

Okay, lesson 1:

look around.

Out of all the women here,

which one do you find most attractive?

Let's see, um...

Her.

The brunette? Why?

I don't know,
there's just something about her.

Yeah, radiating waves of contempt.

Well you asked me who I found attractive.

That's true, that's true.

Alright, she's your shiny apple.

Go ask her if you can buy her a drink.

What about the radiating waves of contempt?

That's just a defense mechanism
for a little girl in a lot of pain.

Really?

How the hell should I know?

The point is,
you can't let fear stand in your way.

Well I disagree.

Are you questioning my methods?
Cause we can stop right now.

No, no I'll do it, I'll do it.

Would you like some more pretzels?

Well I am in the mood
for something salty and twisted.

You're terrible.

You have no idea.

How'd it go?

She's really got a mouth on her.

So she rejected you...

With anatomical specificity.

Good.

Good? H-How is that good?

How do you feel right now?

What do you mean how do I feel?
I-I feel humiliated.

Where?

What?

Where is the humiliation?
Where do you feel it?

Well let's see...

my stomach's all knotted,
my heart is pounding,

I'm sweating like a pig.

Okay. End of lesson 1.

That was lesson 1?

Lesson 1 sucked.

Lesson 2:

have a drink.

No, sweetheart, have a real drink.

I don't like scotch.

It's okay, it's bourbon.

Oh, alright.

More.

How do you feel now?

Feel a little better.

Finish the drink.

Can I put some Diet Sprite in it?

Just finish it!

There you go.

Now, how do you feel?

I feel pretty good.

Like, you know, to hell with her.
Who cares what she thinks?

Perfect.

Now go ask that chick over there
if you can buy her a drink.

Wait a minute, wait,
that's your big secret?

Alcohol?

Ssshh, don't tell anybody.

Bu-bu-but isn't that
just a temporary solution?

It's only temporary if you stop drinking.

I like it!

Diet Sprite!

I gotta hand it to you Alan.

Most guys would be off scallops
for a long time.

I like scallops.

Clearly they don't like you.

I guess you choose your seafood
like you choose your women.

I beg to differ.

When it comes to women,

I make them sick.

Fair enough.

So, what else did we learn tonight?

Now, let-let's see...

I learned that-that to overcome
my fear of rejection,

engrained in me
by an emotionally distant mother,

I need to completely disable
my central nervous system with

semi-lethal quantities of alcohol.

Bravo!

Hey Charlie, you're comin' to bed or what?

I'll be there in a second.

What are you looking at?

Sorry, very sorry.

So, how 've you been?

It worked.

I am totally humiliated and I don't care.

You made real progress tonight Alan.

I'm proud of ya.

Thanks Charlie.
You-You're a-you're a good teacher.

An-and a good brother.

Thanks.

Well,

I guess it's time for me to go work out my issues.

Good night pal.

Nighty night.

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