All language subtitles for The.Conners.S06E05

When the hell are the
pizzas getting here?

My stomach just growled
at me like Cocaine Bear.

It might be my fault that
they're taking forever.

I ordered a vegan one
with cauliflower crust

and tapioca cheese.

And then for the
meat, they got to use,

like, a soy isolate.

I don't know.

- As a veterinarian...
- Ugh.

I appreciate your vegan values.

But as a hungry man, I think
you should always eat alone.

If I may paraphrase Nathan Hale,

I may not agree with
Darlene calling it a pizza,

but I will defend with my life
her right to eat that crap.

No, Nathan Hale said,

"I regret that I have but one
life to lose for my country."

The "defend my life"
thing was Rousseau.

Oh, Darlene.

We are never so stupid as when
we are trying to be smart.

The "defend my life"
quote is by Voltaire.

Oh, Becky.

We're never so stupid
as when we're trying

to prove somebody else stupid.

It was Rousseau.

No, no, Becky's right.
It was Voltaire.

And Becky is the winner

of "stupid stuff we
don't care about"

"but interrupts 'The
Golden Bachelor, '

which we do care about because
that old man deserves love."

Oh, big whoop, Becky
got one thing right.

Doesn't make her a genius.

Oh, the fact that I always
got better grades than you

and now I'm in college
working toward my master's

is why you think I'm a genius.

- Oh!
- Ooh!

It's fine. She can do her
sad little victory lap later

in the room that I rent her.

Oh-ho! Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!

I'm still kind of
new to the family.

Should I have ooh'd?
- Uh, depends.

You want to be part of the
family or some outsider weirdo?

Darlene, I can't tell if
you're green with envy

or the lead in an
elementary-school version

of "Wicked."

You think I'm jealous
of you because you were

an honor student 30 years ago?

I read, I watch documentaries,
I listen to podcasts

and not just the
ones I agree with.

I also choke down the horrible
ones so I can make fun of them

with veracity.

"Veracity." Big
word. Look it up.

Well, that was a
completely normal reaction.

Good luck with that later.

Ah, sometimes she
brings the angry to bed,

which I don't mind.

Better than when
she brings the sad.

What's everybody
doing over here?

Waiting for pizzas and
trying not to visualize

that thing that Ben just said.

- Dan, what's that?
- What's what?

Is that a reflective vest?

I'd ask if you're
a crossing guard,

but I've seen you lay on
the horn to scatter kids

as you blow through
a school zone.

Oh, my God.

That was you I saw on the side
of the road picking up trash.

Are you doing community service?

Community service?

You're the one who
defaced the sign

to make it say
"Welcome to Ian-Turd."

This isn't for the DUI
you took for me, is it?

I gave you 500 bucks for a
lawyer to get you out of that.

Something came up, and
I needed the money.

Something more
important than your DUI?

It's none of
your business, Neville.

And I'm paying the price
for it, case closed.

Well, usually when
you give people money

for something specific,

you just want to know that
that's what they spent it on.

But I guess you don't mind
a little sleight of hand.

You call me a grifter again,

we're going to
have a big problem.

Oh, look, everybody
in the hot tub

is fishing around with their
feet for somebody's dentures.

I'm not calling you a
grifter this time, Dan,

but you did lie to me.

You call me a liar in my own
house, those people on TV

won't be the only ones
looking for their teeth.

And now you're threatening
me. That's it. I'm out.

Oh, come on, Neville.

Hey, take a breath, man!
We just ordered pizza.

Oh, sorry, you're right.

I haven't paid for
my share of it yet.

Um, here you go.

There you go.

I just paid for it in Dan bucks.

Okay, well, everybody,
it's been a lovely evening,

but we really got to run.

No, seriously, we have to run.

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of a live
studio audience.

What are you doing here?

I'm letting Harris run
The Lunch Box today.

The Red Hat Ladies
started meeting there,

and they're trying
to recruit me,

and it's all about positivity
and friendship and fun.

And I thought, mm, what's
the kryptonite to that?

Darlene.

Well, I don't care for
friendship and fun,

and I won't stand for it.

Hi, Mom and Aunt
Jackie, for some reason.

Mom, this is Cash and London.
- Oh.

Sounds like a Guy Ritchie movie.

It's nice to meet
you, Mrs. Conner.

Thank you for preparing
all this great food for us.

Oh, please, call me Darlene.

And it's nice to meet you guys,
too, even if you are lying.

Okay, I guess we all know
the food is pretty bad.

Even the stoners say
this stuff will kill you.

Well, we do have
banana-berry smoothies now,

if you guys would like
something a little healthier.

Actually, Darlene, it's
not really healthier.

We learned in biochemistry
that the benefits

of the polyphenols
in the berries

are mitigated...
you know, lessened

by the enzymes in the banana.

Well, Cash, all of the
benefits are mitigated

you know, lessened

by the scoop of
preservative-filled ice cream

that we dump in there.

Oh, I just thought you
might want to know.

Now you can share my little
food fact with people

and sound smart.

Wow.

Uh, you know what they
might find interesting?

A few blows to the
head with this tray.

No, don't kill them.

- Oh, don't kill them?
- No, no, no, no, no.

- Don't. Okay.
- No.

No, I-I just started
hanging out with them.

They didn't mean anything by it.

Yes, they did. They're
assuming that I'm uneducated

because I'm serving food
back here with an apron on.

It it's so classist.

I mean, I went to college.
I was a magazine writer.

I know stuff.

God, what is it with
everybody? Do I look stupid?

That wasn't rhetorical.

Okay, look, my friends
are being jerks.

I'll go talk to them. But
please don't hurt them.

We need them for trivia tonight.

Hey. Where do you
guys play trivia?

At The All Nighter. It's
a college hangout bar.

And, no, absolutely not.
- You know what?

Maybe I don't need you
to talk to your friends.

Oh, God, it's in slow
motion, and I can't stop it.

I'm going to this trivia night,

and I'm going to crush
their little brains

with my superior knowledge.

And then you hit them with this.

Oh, don't kill them.

Oh, thanks for swinging
by the wholesaler.

I was desperate for new cutlery.

Yeah, you got it, hon.

Yeah, I was down a few
forks because the customers

keep bending the
tines in the rib eye.

That new cook is
grilling them too long.

But I guess they like
them tougher in prison

than we do on the outside.

So can I make you
something to eat?

Uh, no, no. I'll...
I'll see you at home.

Why? What's the matter?

Honestly, I don't
want to run into Dan.

Oh, you're still
mad about the money?

Jackie, he took what I gave him

and didn't use it for what
he said he would... not cool.

Okay, so he said
he was going to use

the money for one thing and
used it for something else.

It's Chicago. We vote
for people like that.

Well, I don't give
anyone a break for lying,

not even family.

I learned that from my father.

I thought you always told me

your father was never around
to teach you anything.

Well, he taught me by example.

He lied when he missed
my tap-dancing recital,

my blue-ribbon hog at
the 4-H Pork-A-Palooza,

my winning yodel
at Oktoberfest...

No, I know, it
was bad. It's bad.

Because a boy like
that needs a dad around

to teach him how
to defend himself.

I just... I can't stand
being around liars, Jackie.

Spend as much time with
your family as you want,

but Dan is not
welcome at our place.

And I am never
going over to his.

I am done with him.

You know, when I told you

I wanted you to
be more assertive,

that was only supposed to
be when you agree with me!

The super-intense lady
over there ordered you guys

a round of Shirley Temples.

See, now we're in their heads...

- Mm.
- Reminding them

they're only children about
to run into a trivia buzzsaw.

Sometimes I can't believe

that you're a mom.

Hey, everyone, thanks for coming

to Trivia Night at
The All Nighter.

Just a reminder... we play "Jeopardy!"
- style rules.

The team that answers
correctly gets first crack

to answer the next question.

Okay, let's do a warm-up drill.

Ask me any question.
- Okay.

Uh, what's your
sister doing here?

Okay.

What is "the first line of
dialogue in most porn movies"?

That's right, but
that's not what I meant.

- Becky, why are you here?
- Oh.

My friends and I come here
on Thursdays after class.

Oh, friends are people who
enjoy spending time with you.

What are you doing here?

Reminding Mark's little
pals that there's a brain

underneath the hairnet
that serves them lunch.

Oh, it's going to be
pretty embarrassing

when that brain loses in trivia
to its superior sister brain.

No way.

I'm going to drown you all
in my tsunami of brilliance.

Sorry, sis. You're Toast Malone.

Uh, just so you know, I'll
be cheering for Darlene,

but inside, I think

this is sad for everyone.

So, hey, thanks again for
stopping by to fix the stools.

They've gotten pretty loose.

When you serve booze, you
have to know who to cut off,

and that's hard when
everybody's wobbling

like Weebles.

You know

quite a coincidence that
all these screws were loose

by exactly two turns.

When's Neville getting here?
- Neville? Who's Neville?

Oh, right, Neville.

Yeah, he should be
here any second,

but just to pick me up after
work, like he always does.

So he's also a pawn in
this little game of yours?

Please, just go with it.

Hey.

Ugh.

I should have known
something was up

when you said if I came in,

you'd have a sexy
surprise for me.

And here I am.

And I'm leaving.
- No, I'm leaving.

I'm the one who's mad, and
I want to slam the door.

Nev... Neville.

Jeez, please, talk to him.

You're the two most
important men in my life.

You always said that
was me and Paul Dano.

Honey.

Dan's not your dad, okay?

I just really need
you to work this out.

All right. Fine.

Are we just going to stand here

and stare at each
other all night?

Why did you lie to me about
what you did with the money?

I did something stupid. Now
I have to make good on it.

So you ran into a problem.

Why didn't you take
me aside and tell me?

What's the point? I'm
clearly a con man.

For the last 50 years,
I've lain in wait

for Jackie to marry a doctor

just so I could swindle
him out of $500.

But I wasn't counting
on the likes of you!

All right, everyone, just a
quick score update for you...

"Laurence O-triv-ier" is out.

So in first place, we have
team "Alex TreBecky"...

Yeah!

Followed by "Hold me
Closer, Tiny Answer."

"Mark Spitz Facts,"
this question is to you.

"Plutophobia is
the fear of what?"

Uh

Plutophobia is
the fear of Pluto.

Is it a planet?
Is it an asteroid?

Is it a cartoon dog?

Nobody knows, and
they're afraid of it.

I'm sorry, that's incorrect.

Oh, the question goes to
"Hold Me Closer, Tiny Answer."

Plutophobia is the
fear of having money,

the one mental disorder
missing in my family.

That is correct.

Yes!

And with that question,

"Alex TreBecky"
and "Tiny Answer"

are tied for the top score,
which means it's sudden death.

Well, you're gone.

And you're as good as dead.

But don't worry...
I'll visit your grave.

"Beloved mother,
sister, trivia loser."

Yours will just say, "Finally."

Okay, "Tiny Answer,"
this is for the game.

"What is the name
of the daughter

in a popular TV comedy who
is known for being a vegan?"

Oh. Oh, I know
this. I know this.

Come on.

- I know this!
- I know!

God, it sounds so familiar.

Ten seconds.

Okay, she lives in a
working-class town.

She's got that mom
with the funny voice

and the dad who
drinks a lot of beer.

Five seconds.

Oh, my God, it's on
the tip of my tongue.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
You're out of time.

Oh, the question goes
to "Alex TreBecky."

Buh-bye.

The answer is that
mystery-solving vegan, Velma,

from Scooby-Doo.

Ruh-roh.

The correct answer
is Lisa Simpson.

That guess was more embarrassing

than not getting it at all.

God, you're so jealous
of me, it's humiliating.

No, what's humiliating is
being a 48-year-old woman

at a college trivia night.

Oh, honey, you're going
to regret that one.

No, what's humiliating
is trying to beat

your son's friends at
a college trivia night.

- Screw you!
- Oh! Oh!

Where are you? I can't
see you because I'm...

I'm blinded by your wit!

Okay, this is a friendly game.

You need to leave.
- Yeah, you hear that?

You should leave. Go.
- He's talking to you!

- Bye!
- He's talking to you!

- Bye!
- You!

- Bye!
- You!

Both of you!

Now.
- You.

I'm right behind you.

Just got to pay the bill

and explain how the
Buffalo wing sauce

interacted with your medication.

What the hell is wrong with you?

There is nothing wrong with me.

You're just being a jerk lately.

You always think I'm a jerk,
so what's different now?

Lately, everybody's treating
me like I'm a dummy.

Even Mark's friends
are talking down to me.

And you never miss
an opportunity

to make fun of my job.

I never said anything
bad about your job.

I know why you're doing it.
- Oh, whatever.

I'm sure you say
it behind my back.

If I'm gonna slam you, I'm
gonna do it to your face.

I want to see that
little flash of hurt.

It's like whipped cream
on top of a brownie.

It wasn't supposed
to be this way.

You know, your life wasn't
supposed to be getting better

while mine was getting worse.

You got to be kidding me.

I spent so much time
screwing up my life,

it took me forever to get here.

I was kind of hoping that
you'd just be happy for me.

Well, I was kind of
hoping that, too.

It would make me a
much better person.

Look, this is hard
for me to admit,

but the only reason I'm doing
so well is because of you.

You convinced me to
go back to school.

You gave me and Beverly
Rose a place to live.

My successes are your successes.

Does that mean my failures
are also your failures?

You have so little, why don't
you keep those for yourself?

You knew you would be way
overqualified for your job,

but that doesn't make you
a less intelligent person.

Yeah, but I just
don't feel sharp.

I mean, Voltaire, Rousseau...
I used to know all that stuff.

Now I'm on autopilot every day,

and I'm just not being
challenged right now.

You know, you need
to find other ways

to engage your mind.

A lot of people your age,
they like the Jumble.

Before you slam the
door in my face,

I'm sorry I got so mad.

You're being all
vague about something

that you think I
can't understand,

but I don't
understand what it is

I'm not supposed to
be understanding.

If you're going to babble
a bunch of nonsense,

have the decency to
do it a little drunk.

Come on in.

I'll get your beer.

Oh, hey, Crystal.

I had no idea you were still up.

Oh, uh, Dan, I didn't
know you had company.

We can talk another time.

Wait, I know you.
I've seen pictures.

You're Jackie's
husband, Neville.

Neville, this is
Crystal, my dad's widow.

I've heard so much about you.

Aren't you also
Dan's wife's brother?

Yes, I am.

You guys don't fish in too
many different ponds, do you?

She just got out
of the hospital.

She's going to stay with
us for a couple of weeks.

We don't want to
keep you up, Crystal.

No, I'm feeling
better, thanks to you.

Dan's the only good thing

my worthless bastard of
a husband ever gave me.

Dan coming up with the money
to help me pay my medical bills

was a lifesaver.

It's no
big deal, Crystal.

I think it's time
for you to go to bed.

Nice to meet you, Neville.

They gave me a
gummy for my pain,

and I'm starting to hear colors.

Well, the further I
get into this family,

the more questions I have.

That's what she didn't want
me to tell anybody about.

But apparently Earl Grey and
a gummy changed her mind.

I used the 500 to buy
her heart medicine.

She was embarrassed to
be taking a handout.

That is very generous, Dan,

but I would have
understood that.

When she was married to my dad,

she noticed her ankles
started swelling.

And my dad didn't want to pay
for a bunch of expensive tests,

so he convinced her all
she needed was diuretics.

Wow. He did that
to his own wife?

He was always trying
to beat the system.

He talked me into getting
them from my doctor,

and like a fool, I
went along with it,

and she never got tested.

What was actually
wrong with her?

Congestive heart failure.

Just found out about a year ago.

And I carry some of
the blame for that.

Oh, that's not on you, man.
Your dad talked you into it.

But I'm starting to understand

why the word "grifter"
bothers you so much.

Yeah, I had stuff
with my dad, too.

Yeah, Louise told me he
was a real piece of work.

Why do you think I give all
my love to animals, hmm?

A cow never lied to me
about why he couldn't come

to my yodeling competition.

You yodeled?

Boy, talk about stuff you
don't want to tell people.

You'd think at our age, we
still wouldn't be dealing

with daddy issues, you know?

Thank God we have
great partners who

you know, put up
with our baggage.

Here's to the men who ruined us

and the women just
damaged enough to want us.

all: Darlene!

What do you say to
a beer, Darlene?

I'd say, bring your
friend Tom Collins,

'cause I'm in the
mood for a throuple.

I got to ask you, Darlene,

what do you get out
of beating these kids

at trivia every week.

Hmm, I'm not sure.

Let me ask my friend.

Oh, Mr. Collins
would like to know

why you're standing
here yammering at me

when you've got a game to start.