All language subtitles for How.I.Met.Your.Mother.S01E19.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Her favorite CD in the
Otis Redding box set?

Disc three.

My favorite?
Any guesses?

Anyone?
Come on.

Disc three!

God, Victoria's so amazing!

I could talk about her
for hours.

What do you mean "could"?

I'm sorry, it's
just... God, I...

I'm crazy about
this girl.

It feels like maybe...

I don't want to say it.

Trust that impulse, Ted.

ROBIN:
Hey.

Something kind of cool
just happened.

My story on Pickles,
the Singing Dog,

just got nominated for
a Local Area Media Award.

A... LAME-A?

We prefer
Local Area Media Award.

Um...

there's going to be
this big banquet.

I know these things
aren't much fun,

but it would really mean a lot
to me if you guys came.

And there's an open bar.

Oh!
Yes!
Word up!

Yeah, put me down
for two.

Really?
It's three months away.

I know, but...

guys, I'm sorry,
I'm going to say it.

I have a feeling Victoria's
going to be around

for a long time.

I'm going to miss
Victoria.

I should just skip this thing
entirely.

Robin's still pissed at me
after... you know.

You lied and said you were
broken up with Victoria

before you actually were
so you could try to nail Robin

and you wound up losing
both girls in one night?

Yes, that's what I meant
by "you know."

I haven't seen her
in three weeks.

She won't return my calls.

Look, I shouldn't go.

You should
definitely go.

Look, it's a chance to show
her you're still friends

and that you support her.

Or it's a chance
to mess with her head

by showing up
with someone hotter.

Even better, triple threat--
hotter and bigger boobs.

That's only two.
Count again.

Barney, I'm not bringing a date.

Even if I wanted to,
the thing's in two hours.

So get an escort.

By "escort,"
you mean prostitute?

Why not?

Because... gross?

Oh, gross.

What, you have some
puritanical hang-up

about prostitution?

Dude, it's the world's
oldest profession.

You really think
that's true?

Oh, yeah.

I bet even Cro-Magnons
used to give cave hookers,

like, an extra fish
for putting out.

Aha, so then
the oldest profession
would be fishermen.

Kaboom!
You've been lawyered.

Come on, Ted, let's get you
a hooker. It'll be fun.

Okay, to bring to the banquet
and hang out with ironically

or to actually have sex with?

Yes.

No! It's illegal.

And did I mention gross?

That's adorable.
Ted, you're such a hayseed.

The companionship business

is the growth industry
of the 21st century.

You do realize that
one out of every eight

adult women in America
is a prostitute.

You just made that up.
Withdrawn.

Lawyered.

The point is,
how long has it been?

57 days.

Is that your water?
May I?

Yeah, go ahead.
Much obliged.

57 days?!

Ted, you are in a slump.

No, it's not a slump.

It's an intentional hiatus
from girls.

A slump is when you strike out

every time you step up
to the plate.

But I'm off the roster, baby.

I'm in the locker room
sitting in the whirlpool.

And I'll tell you something,
it feels pretty good.

Yeah, you know what else
is in that locker room?

A naked dudes hanging brain.

Ted, you need

a lady.

And I've got the next
best thing-- Mary.

She lives in
my building.

She's smart, she's hot,
she's totally cool.

Oh, she sounds great.

And who knows?

Maybe we'll wind up getting
married someday.

You know, if we can get
a blessing from her pimp.

You want to judge
a fellow human being

based solely on one
external characteristic?

That's racism.

And I do not drink
with racists.

Good day.

You're just waiting for me
to speak, so you can...

I said good day!

So should I wear my hair
up or down?

Lily.

What?

You okay?

Oh, yeah, sorry.

I'm just exhausted
from work.

The stupid school board
took away nap time

in all kindergarten classes

and now the kids are just going
crazy by the end of the day.

It's much harder to deal with
because,

well, I don't get my nap.

Wait, you were taking naps
when the kids were?

Is that safe?

Well, they're only five.
What are they gonna do to me?

Ted's still coming
to this thing, right?

Yep.

Do you think, um...

hypothetically...

it would be weird
if I bring a date?

Look at you, Scherbotsky,

blatantly trying
to make Ted jealous.

No, it's just this guy
at the station.

I never get involved with
co-workers,

but he asked me and I said yes.

Is it going to be weird?

No, it's not going
to be weird at all.

Robin's bringing a date.

Oy. That's going
to be really weird.

I know.

Robin's bringing
a date.

Oh.

Okay. That's not weird.

She's bringing a date.
I'm glad she's moving on.

Dude, it's going
to be weird.

No, it's fine.

Look, in spite of whatever
happened between us,

Robin and I are still friends.

I don't think it'll be weird.

Yeah, it won't be weird.
Thank you.

Because you're going
to bring your own date.

Hello, Barney.

Hi, Mary.

Have you met Ted?

Nice to meet you, Ted.

Hi, Mary.

Wow.

It's, uh, nice to meet you, too.

So we're going
to an award show?

Uh, yeah, will you just
excuse us for one minute?

Barney.

See you in two shakes, Mare.

You two make yourselves
comfortable.

What the hell?

Dude, your narrow-minded views
on professional fornicators

were harshing my mellow.

So I got you a date
for the evening.

You got me a hooker.

A really hot hook--

A hooker!

Think about it,
this is perfect.

A-- it will make Robin
insanely jealous...

B-- you get to have
sex with her...

and C-- maybe by
getting to know Mary,

you'll come to see that
courtesans are people, too.

And D-- "B" all night long.

I'm not taking a prostitute
to Robin's banquet.

The only people who will know
are you, me and Marshall.

No one will suspect a thing.
They'll just see you

with this unbelievably
smoking hot girl and...

Okay, that's a little
bit suspicious.

Look, I'm just trying

to expand your horizons
a little bit tonight.

But if you're not interested,
fine, I'm out 500 bucks.

Whatever.
500 bucks?

Ted, you're my cabron.

You think I'm gonna stick you

with some toothless tranny
from the Port Authority?

Look at how hot she is.

Robin would be
so jealous.

I'm not trying to make
Robin jealous, Barney.

Look, I... tell Mary,
thanks, but no thanks.

I have a soul.

TED:
And then your Uncle Marhsall
and I had one of our famous

telepathic conversations.

MARSHALL:
Check out Robin's date.

TED:
I know.

Is that who I think it is?

Yep.

It's Sandy Rivers.

TED:
Sandy Rivers was the face of
Metro News One,

the most low-budget cable news
network ever.

Sandy time.
Sandy time!

He was best known
for his morning segment

"In Today's Paper,"

during which he literally
flipped through today's papers,

reading them aloud to viewers.

Here we have, on the front page,
a story about a...

I guess, a guy
in a superhero costume

climbing
the Empire State Building.

Looks interesting.

These idiotic filler pieces
were a guilty pleasure of ours.

Which Sandy
do we want today?

French Sandy,
porn star Sandy...?

Yosemite Sandy,
definitely.

Excellent choice.

( laughing )

I love this guy.

I hate this guy.

Hey.

Hi. I'm Lily.
Hi.

Hi. Mary.
It's nice to meet you.

Mary is a friend
of Barney's.

Barney invited her.
Just met Mary ourselves.

Don't know too much
about Mary.

Look, a beer.

Hey.

Hi.

You look nice.
Oh, um,
Ted, this is Sandy.

Hi. Sandy Rivers.

Use my full name.

People get a kick
out of it.

Hi, Sandy.

Rivers.

So are you two, uh...

Starting a bunch
of office rumors?

Looks that way.
Looks that way.

Oh, how rude of me.

Uh, Robin, Sandy... Rivers...

this is Mary, my date.

Hi.

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the 45th annual

Local Area Media Awards.

Please say hello to our host
for the evening,

king of the Saturday Afternoon
Kung Fu Movie,

Vampire Lou!

( applause )

Tonight we celebrate
the very best in broadcasting

and the triumph
of the human spirit.

Man,

Vampire Lou just looks great.

I can't believe I'm on a date
with a hooker.

Yeah, I can't believe you let
her and Lily

go to the ladies' room together,
man.

Secrets come out in there.

Oh, please.
How's it's going to come out?

"Uh, pass me a towel.
P.S., I have sex for money."

Who has sex for money?

Nobody.

What did you guys
talk about in there?

Anything interesting?

No, not really.

We just chitchatted and
I borrowed her lipstick.

Why is Vampire Lou the host

of a Saturday Afternoon
Kung Fu Movie?

You know, it just
makes no sense.

God, that pisses me off.

Lily, you okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm just tired.

And when I get tired,
I get cranky.

Really?
I couldn't imagine you cranky.

"Really? I couldn't
imagine you cranky."

MARY:
Wow.

Why are you so tired?

Well, I teach kindergarten

and the school board
took away my nap time,

the kids' nap time.

Lily, quit your job.
Work at a private school.

You won't have to deal with
the school board,

and you'll make a ton
more money.

Well, guess what, Barney?

I don't base
all my life decisions

on how much money
I'm going to make,

unlike you and,
sadly, my fiancé.

Well, it's just an
internship, for the record.

Yeah, because if I did
sacrifice all my values
just for an easy buck,

what would that make me?

A prostitute.

Exactly.
Thank you, Mary.

So, Mary, what do you do
for a living?

She's a paralegal.

Yes, I'm a paralegal.

So, Mary the paralegal.

What does a paralegal
do exactly?

I just assist with
day-to-day clerical work

in a law firm downtown.

Oh, what firm?

Douglas, O'Halloran and Stamp.

That's a real law firm.

I know.

Nice.

You're pretty good
on your feet.

Are you flirting
with me?

Is that allowed?

Yes, it's encouraged.

You know, I wouldn't normally
say this on a first date,

but... well, considering...

I'm just going
to say it.

You are so hot!

Well, thank you.

You're welcome.

Mary, Ted is a great guy.

You hold on to him.

Don't let him out
of your sight for a minute.

So, Sandy, what do you do?

Oh, wait, I know
what you do.

You're the guy who reads
the paper in the morning.

You got me.

What do you do, Ted?

Oh, same thing as you--
I read the paper every morning.

But then after that,
I finish my coffee

and I go to my real job
as an architect

where I make an actual
contribution to the world.

( chuckles ):
I'm just kidding.

Love your show.
You're terrific.

Thanks.

I never tire of hearing that.

Hey, you know that
scene in Empire

where they lower the helmet
onto Darth Vader's head?

Do you think that's how
Sandy puts his hair
on in the morning?

You just insulted someone
I hate

by referencing
something I love.

Damn, you just got
even hotter.

And so, as the night wore on,
I started to realize,

this girl, despite what
she did for a living,

was kind of great.

Hey.

Hey.

Mary seems nice.

Have you kissed her yet,
or are you waiting

until you're in a serious
relationship with someone else?

( sighs )

I, uh... I wanted to apologize
for everything that happened.

And just like that,
it's all okay.

Roll credits.

So you're going to be
mad at me forever?

What, we're not even
friends now?

We're still friends.
Are we?

You don't return my calls,
we never hang out

and now you're trying
to make my jealous

by waving Edward R. Moron
in my face?

Oh, and Paralegally Blonde
isn't here in her low-cut
dress to make me jealous?

Oh, so now she's a whore?

What?

You know something?

Mary the paralegal
is awesome.

And you know what else?

I didn't come here tonight
to make you jealous,

I came here to support you
as a friend.

And frankly, I'm sick of trying.

I like that guy.

Hey.
Hey.

What were you guys talking
about over there?

Oh, I was, uh, just
telling my friend

that I think you're awesome.

Well, thanks.

You know, this is one
of the nicer hotels

I've ever been in.

Oh, yeah, my friend
did the remodel.

You should see the rooms.
The views are amazing.

Yeah? Maybe it's too bad
we don't have a room.

Room 1506.
My treat.

You kids go nuts.

Actually, don't use
the mini-bar.

Do it.

Come on, Ted, do it.

This is one of those things
you have to do

before you turn 30.

Sleep with a prostitute?

No, lose your virginity.

What up.

Statistic-- men who have had
at least one relationship

with a prostitute

are 75% more likely

to have success
in future relationships.

You just made that up.

Withdrawn.
Lawyered.

Okay, three things.

First of all, Robin's
category's almost up.

And second of all,
you cannot do this.

It's wrong on every level.

And third,

I've been placing small items
in Sandy's hair all night.

He still hasn't noticed.

I know I can't do this.

I'm not doing this.

It's just... it's a shame.

She's really cool.

Yeah, well... there we go.

VAMPIRE LOU:
Scooter "Bam-Bam" Branson
for A Bicycle--

Joyride or Deathtrap?

Mike Murphy

for 13, Pregnant and Addicted.

And Robin Scherbotsky

for Pickles, the Singing Dog.

And the winner is...

Robin Scherbotsky.

( applause )

Thanks.

Oh, wow.

This is really a surprise.

Um, you know it's nice
to be able to share this award

with my friends.

They're all here tonight.

Marshall, Lily,
Sandy Rivers...

Barney...

And that's it.

Those are all my friends.

Thank you.

Congratulations.

Oh, thanks.

Um, Sandy, do you
want to get a cab?

Sure. Let's go.

Yeah, this party's dead.

Mary, you want
to go upstairs?

We, uh, got a room.

MARSHALL ( voice echoing ):
Dude, what are you doing?

TED:
What's it look like?

MARSHALL:
It looks bad,
is what it looks like.

You cannot do this.

Marshall, she is a really cool
girl when you get to know her.

Besides, I'm trying
to make Robin jealous.

MARSHALL:
Oh, that's real mature.

LILY:
Marshall, what is up with you
and Ted?

MARSHALL:
Nothing, baby.
Don't worry about it.

Fine. Do what you want.

Hey.

Should we go?

Yeah.

Thanks.

Well...

Good night.

Good night.

So, did you
and Barney ever...?

There's not enough
money in the world.

Oh, thank God.

Whew.

( chuckles )

Wow, so they're...?

Uh-huh.

Robin, where's
Sandy Rivers?

I put him in a cab.

So you and he aren't...?

I don't date people
I work with.

I was just trying
to make Ted jealous.

Is he...?

He's off trying
to make you jealous.

Oh, well, good for them.

And, you know, if Ted likes her,
she's probably pretty cool.

MARSHALL:
Lily, I know you're asleep,

but I have to tell someone
this,

and we tell
each other everything.

So, here it goes.

Mary's not a paralegal.

She's a prostitute.

Mary's a prostitute?

What?!

Barney paid for her.

Is that true?

We were having
a conversation

about prostitution,

and then Barney
calls her up

and then she shows up
at the bar

and now she and Ted
are upstairs.

Okay, seriously, what is going
on with Ted lately?

Is he having
a nervous breakdown?

You know, Barney, for anyone
else, this would be a new low,

but sadly, for you,
it's just a new middle.

Oh, my God, I used
her lipstick! Ah!

That's her napkin.

( yelps ):
No!

Okay, well, I guess now
is as good a time as any.

In keeping with
tonight's

award show motif,
I'd like to announce

this evening's big twist ending!

Ah.

Vampire Lou, would you
do the honors?

"Mary's not
really a prostitute."

What?

That's all, Vampire Lou.
Nicely done.

So she's not...?
No.

Mary's just a paralegal
who lives in my building.

Oh-- ha-ha!
And here's the best part--

she has no idea that Ted thinks
she's a hooker.

( cackling )

Oh, come on.

If you don't laugh,
it just seems mean.

( chuckles weakly )

I feel kind
of like Richard Gere.

Not shy about your
looks, are you?

No.

You know, Mary, I've never
done this before.

Done what?

You know, been...
on a "date."

Yeah, right.

Wait, you're
kidding, right?

No.

Why, is that so odd?

Well, Ted, I mean,
I've been going on dates

since I was 15.

God, you were
just a kid.

Well, look, let's just
have a few drinks.

We'll relax and...

Yeah, that sounds great.

I had clients riding me
all day long.

Must be tough.

Yeah. I mean, this one guy
just wouldn't leave me alone.

I mean, talk about anal.

Well, here we are.

Uh...

Okay, look, Mary,
I like you a lot.

I'm sort of amazed

at how much
I like you,

but I can't do this.

You're a hooker.

What?

Look, maybe I'm
old-fashioned,

but I'm sorry,
that's a deal-breaker for me.

I'm not going to have sex
with a prostitute.

No... Ted, I'm a paralegal.

Come on, Mary, there's
no one else around.

You're a hooker.

No, Ted...

I'm a paralegal.

No, you're a hooker.

No, I'm a paralegal.

You're a paralegal.

( laughing )

That was not funny.

Not funny, dude.

I know,
it was hilarious.

Why would you do that?

I did it to prove a point.

What point?

Stay with me.

It's going
to come to me.

No.

Ah, okay, here's the point.

You thought that Mary
was a sure thing, right?

So what happened?

She took you up to a hotel room
on the first date.

All you have to do
is be that confident

with every girl you meet
and your slump is over.

So the message is, I should
treat every woman like a whore?

Come on, dude,
you should be
thanking me.

She slapped me and stormed off.

Can you blame her?

You called her a hooker.

( Marshall chuckles )

I'm sorry, dude,
it was funny.

Yeah. Well, it's getting late.

I should get back
to my room.

Your room?

Yeah, that really
expensive hotel room

you put on
your credit card--

never checked out.

By the way, you know
what's super fun?

Pouring Dom Perignon down
a bathtub drain.

Well, it's almost 3:00.
Got a massage. Toodles.

Come on, if you don't laugh,
it just seems mean.