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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -
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Ah, homecoming games are so exciting.
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00:00:37,281 --> 00:00:40,344
It's like Friday Night
Lights and I'm Connie Britton.
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Wrong, and nope.
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God, I wish I was the
coach in the locker room
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00:00:43,696 --> 00:00:46,001
giving an inspiring
speech to the players.
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Gonna tell you the one thing
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00:00:47,370 --> 00:00:48,873
every football player needs to know...
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00:00:48,973 --> 00:00:50,810
"When you kill yourself,
don't touch the brain
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00:00:50,877 --> 00:00:52,814
'cause they got to take
it out and look at it."
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00:00:52,847 --> 00:00:54,616
Yeah!
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00:01:01,297 --> 00:01:03,903
Oh, no, it's Gayle... the PTA president
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00:01:03,970 --> 00:01:06,975
whose passive-aggression
can drain your life force.
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00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:09,371
Hi, Lois Griffin.
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00:01:09,505 --> 00:01:11,743
So, you did know there was a game?
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00:01:11,843 --> 00:01:14,816
Oh, hi, Gayle. Yeah, I knew.
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00:01:14,882 --> 00:01:16,720
I'll take those cupcakes you made.
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00:01:16,787 --> 00:01:20,293
Oh, you don't
seem to have any to donate.
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No, I didn't have the time.
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You have three kids, I totally get it.
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I have four, and I work.
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00:01:27,307 --> 00:01:29,445
Sometimes it's hard
to read a short email.
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- Spam folder?
- Oh, spam folder, yes.
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I don't have that problem
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because most of us got
rid of AOL years ago.
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00:01:37,862 --> 00:01:40,399
If you'll excuse me,
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I have to go find my husband,
who makes $220,000 a year.
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Welcome to the Adam West
High School homecoming game.
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If anyone is here to shoot the place up,
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please do it after the halftime show.
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The girls have worked very hard.
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But first, join me as we say goodbye
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00:02:06,866 --> 00:02:10,873
to Adam West High's longest
serving teacher, Mr. Trampledon.
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He's retiring after 50
years, and is known these days
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as the last teacher in
school to employ a paddle
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00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:21,126
and/or closed fist on
misbehaving students.
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He was formally asked to
stop doing that last week
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and... decided just to retire.
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And he'd better step lively or...
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And... tonight's game is dedicated
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to the memory of Mr. Trampledon.
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00:02:35,757 --> 00:02:38,728
And now, give it up for our
Homecoming King and Queen.
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They're off to never leave town
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and slowly decay before our eyes.
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00:02:44,217 --> 00:02:48,414
Next up, crowning our
Homecoming Dunce, Chris Griffin!
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This is Chris Griffin's fourth win
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00:02:49,951 --> 00:02:51,789
for Adam West High Homecoming Dunce,
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00:02:51,822 --> 00:02:53,893
even though he's only a sophomore.
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00:02:53,993 --> 00:02:57,099
Four years in a row
is nothing to be proud of.
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00:02:57,548 --> 00:02:58,881
Dynasty.
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00:03:02,281 --> 00:03:03,532
We now return to Hulu's
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Pam and Tommy. Lee Jones.
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00:03:05,816 --> 00:03:09,423
Baby, are you gonna steer
the boat with your penis?
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Why would I engage in such foolishness?
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How you feeling after yesterday, Chris?
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00:03:14,232 --> 00:03:17,372
Terrible. Every year
I'm the Homecoming Dunce,
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00:03:17,439 --> 00:03:20,278
and every year the bullying gets worse.
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00:03:20,311 --> 00:03:23,718
Hello, everyone. I have some news.
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00:03:23,820 --> 00:03:25,589
I got an email from the school saying
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they're looking for a substitute teacher
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to replace Mr. Trampledon,
and... I applied.
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And they accepted.
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- What?
- Seriously?
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00:03:33,839 --> 00:03:35,971
I don't know if that's
"mute the TV" news.
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00:03:35,982 --> 00:03:37,368
Mom, you can't!
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00:03:37,379 --> 00:03:39,082
Don't you need a
master's degree to teach?
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A master's degree is needed,
and I told them I had one.
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You lied?
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00:03:43,759 --> 00:03:45,896
I manifested success.
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00:03:45,963 --> 00:03:49,003
I'm a woman in her 40s, so I manifest.
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00:03:49,069 --> 00:03:52,576
Lying is just me taking
action steps over the truth.
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The corpse of the truth.
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00:03:54,866 --> 00:03:56,550
You can't just say you're a teacher.
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00:03:56,650 --> 00:03:59,758
Oh, no? Every other man
these days throws on a dress
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00:03:59,858 --> 00:04:01,995
and suddenly he's a woman, so...
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00:04:05,162 --> 00:04:06,961
Okay, I met with community leaders,
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and I'm going to learn and listen.
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00:04:08,813 --> 00:04:10,383
Anyway, I'm a teacher now.
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00:04:10,412 --> 00:04:12,615
You saw how unpopular I am at school.
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Having my mother as a teacher
will make things worse.
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I thought about that, Chris,
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which is why I applied under
the name Lois Pewterschmidt.
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00:04:21,134 --> 00:04:23,237
But you've taught at Adam West before.
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00:04:23,571 --> 00:04:24,841
People won't fall for it.
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00:04:24,908 --> 00:04:26,744
Oh, maybe I'll wear a blonde wig?
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00:04:26,811 --> 00:04:29,229
Might even add a sexy beauty mark
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00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:30,869
so I look like Marilyn Monroe.
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00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:33,518
Or Cindy Crawford? Or Eva Mendes?
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00:04:33,692 --> 00:04:35,996
Or Gabriel Macht? The guy from Suits?
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00:04:36,063 --> 00:04:38,568
That won't work. I don't want this.
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00:04:38,668 --> 00:04:41,640
- I'm going to Bonnie's room!
- You mean your room?
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00:04:41,651 --> 00:04:44,357
No, Bonnie's room.
93
00:04:45,761 --> 00:04:47,396
Yeah, first Wednesday of every month,
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00:04:47,552 --> 00:04:49,723
Bonnie visits her mom in the home.
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00:04:49,734 --> 00:04:51,005
Oh.
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00:04:51,460 --> 00:04:53,230
You know, when she and I do this,
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00:04:53,398 --> 00:04:56,036
the first person to solve
the final puzzle on Wheel
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00:04:56,136 --> 00:04:58,040
doesn't have to pay for the pizza.
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00:04:58,140 --> 00:05:02,048
Yeah, well, uh, Bonnie's not here.
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00:05:08,594 --> 00:05:10,498
Glad to have you aboard,
Miss Pewterschmidt.
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00:05:10,565 --> 00:05:13,738
Let's show you around.
There's our BLM banner.
102
00:05:13,806 --> 00:05:15,976
That should probably come down,
103
00:05:16,043 --> 00:05:18,119
I think we're all done with that.
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00:05:18,130 --> 00:05:19,633
And our trophy case.
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00:05:19,951 --> 00:05:21,789
We don't have many,
so I've filled it out
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00:05:21,889 --> 00:05:23,724
with other items of achievement.
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00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:27,265
- Oh, is that you and... ?
- Counting Crows, yes.
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00:05:27,332 --> 00:05:29,503
If you have an Amex
Platinum, you can use points
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00:05:29,637 --> 00:05:31,473
and get backstage at select concerts.
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00:05:31,484 --> 00:05:33,322
You have an Amex Platinum?
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00:05:33,445 --> 00:05:35,148
Nah, I was tenth caller on the radio.
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00:05:35,215 --> 00:05:38,054
No yearly fees on a fast dialing finger.
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Life hack!
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Students, here's your
new substitute teacher,
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Miss Pewterschmidt.
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00:05:43,231 --> 00:05:44,553
Hello, people.
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00:05:44,564 --> 00:05:48,138
What a nice group of
young, fresh, unknown faces.
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Whoa! Check it out. A blonde.
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00:05:50,913 --> 00:05:53,484
Ha, that means she starts at a B-minus.
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00:05:53,495 --> 00:05:54,899
Look at that body.
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00:05:54,914 --> 00:05:58,654
Today I'm learning numbers... 36-24-36.
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00:05:58,862 --> 00:06:00,866
Oh! I want to know when this went
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00:06:00,966 --> 00:06:03,404
from history class to "wood" shop.
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00:06:03,415 --> 00:06:06,990
Oh, doing too much physical stuff.
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00:06:07,201 --> 00:06:10,540
Oh, my God. They're
all leering at my mom.
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This is more embarrassing than when Dad
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ruined my birthday party.
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00:06:13,926 --> 00:06:17,132
Dad, is it almost time for the piñata?
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00:06:17,378 --> 00:06:18,579
Dad?
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00:06:19,342 --> 00:06:20,511
Dad?
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00:06:20,522 --> 00:06:21,693
Chris! I think I screwed up
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00:06:21,897 --> 00:06:23,389
the party job assignments.
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00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:24,503
Ow! Damn it.
134
00:06:24,514 --> 00:06:26,551
I'm not full of candy, I'm a guy!
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00:06:26,562 --> 00:06:28,767
Ooh, I am full of candy.
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00:06:29,167 --> 00:06:30,948
Wait a minute, if I'm full of candy,
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00:06:30,959 --> 00:06:32,462
where are my insides?
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00:06:32,562 --> 00:06:34,366
I did it. I'm alive!
139
00:06:34,399 --> 00:06:37,306
Now to move in with my
sister, Hilaria Baldwin.
140
00:06:53,972 --> 00:06:57,747
Oh, no! Cinematic text
messages give everything away.
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00:06:57,758 --> 00:06:59,729
So, Griffin, what's your problem?
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00:06:59,740 --> 00:07:01,878
- What did you say?
- What?
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00:07:02,122 --> 00:07:04,828
- I said, "What did you say?"
- What?
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00:07:04,895 --> 00:07:07,232
This might go easier
if you just let me sit
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00:07:07,243 --> 00:07:08,612
at the cool kids' table.
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00:07:11,936 --> 00:07:15,638
Wow, I can't believe I'm
at the cool kids' table.
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00:07:15,649 --> 00:07:17,019
Hi, I'm Cody.
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00:07:17,030 --> 00:07:18,633
Uh, here's some bread to start you off,
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00:07:18,644 --> 00:07:20,915
and I'll be back in a
moment to take your orders.
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00:07:21,127 --> 00:07:23,464
Wow! Are those parmesan crisps?
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00:07:23,475 --> 00:07:25,079
You can have the pumpernickel stick.
152
00:07:25,234 --> 00:07:27,606
Oh, that's the only thing I don't want.
153
00:07:27,706 --> 00:07:29,610
So, why were you weird
with Miss Pewterschmidt?
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00:07:29,743 --> 00:07:31,247
We're teens. We're horny for everything.
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00:07:31,313 --> 00:07:34,219
If something's not totally
repulsive, it's hot.
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00:07:34,319 --> 00:07:35,655
Don't you think she's hot?
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00:07:35,722 --> 00:07:39,931
Yeah, I guess she's a total hottie.
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00:07:39,964 --> 00:07:41,067
What would you do with her?
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00:07:41,167 --> 00:07:43,037
Like, if you went home with her tonight.
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00:07:43,137 --> 00:07:46,110
We'd eat dinner, talk a bit.
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And then go upstairs
and straight to bed.
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There you go. Now you're talking.
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00:07:50,489 --> 00:07:52,656
Guys, a table just
opened up on the terrace.
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00:07:52,723 --> 00:07:55,439
- Oh, perfect.
- Oh, no, we'll get that.
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00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:00,471
I didn't even need the sweater.
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00:08:00,505 --> 00:08:01,774
So Miss P., huh?
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00:08:01,875 --> 00:08:03,946
I tell ya, I'd jump up her poodle skirt
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00:08:03,957 --> 00:08:06,228
and say I'm the dog catcher.
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00:08:08,688 --> 00:08:11,226
Man, it's like nobody
can see or hear me.
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00:08:11,481 --> 00:08:13,888
Things have been weird ever
since me and Frenchy were
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00:08:13,899 --> 00:08:16,537
drag racing for pink slips and...
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00:08:18,552 --> 00:08:20,489
Wait a minute. Am I dead?
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00:08:20,645 --> 00:08:22,382
- Yes, you are.
- You can see me?
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00:08:22,482 --> 00:08:26,357
I can see all the dead. It
is my gift... and my curse.
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00:08:26,368 --> 00:08:30,275
Hey, Meg, the, uh, ghost
toilet is clogged again.
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00:08:30,431 --> 00:08:32,536
Requires a human fist.
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00:08:38,146 --> 00:08:40,250
Quick, Chris, get in.
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00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:44,359
You see what I see?
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00:08:44,426 --> 00:08:47,566
Griffin's getting in the
car with Miss Pewterschmidt!
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00:08:47,577 --> 00:08:50,116
Aw, he works fast, dude.
181
00:08:51,833 --> 00:08:53,503
Quick, Chris, get down.
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00:08:53,813 --> 00:08:56,450
Whoa! Griffin's a selfless lover.
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00:08:56,550 --> 00:08:58,721
It's so great he's having sex.
184
00:09:00,535 --> 00:09:03,141
♪ Guy friends gettin' horny ♪
185
00:09:03,297 --> 00:09:05,970
♪ About their guy friends having sex. ♪
186
00:09:06,070 --> 00:09:08,406
There's nothing wrong with it.
187
00:09:14,542 --> 00:09:16,679
I'm beginning to think
this whole teaching thing
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00:09:16,690 --> 00:09:18,627
is a lot easier than they let on.
189
00:09:18,638 --> 00:09:20,409
Kids, when you're bagging groceries,
190
00:09:20,532 --> 00:09:23,404
do you ever wonder who
invented the shopping bag?
191
00:09:23,504 --> 00:09:25,041
- Margaret Knight?
- It was Margaret...
192
00:09:25,107 --> 00:09:26,577
You saw it on the board!
193
00:09:26,644 --> 00:09:28,581
Griffin, we saw you driving away
194
00:09:28,648 --> 00:09:30,385
with Miss Pewterschmidt yesterday.
195
00:09:30,485 --> 00:09:32,890
Did you score? If you closed
the deal with a teacher,
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00:09:32,990 --> 00:09:34,526
you'll be a legend forever.
197
00:09:35,107 --> 00:09:38,914
Well, let's just say, she and I slept.
198
00:09:39,202 --> 00:09:42,175
Together. Under the same roof.
199
00:09:42,275 --> 00:09:46,023
- All right!
- Of course, we had dinner first.
200
00:09:46,034 --> 00:09:47,148
There you go.
201
00:09:47,159 --> 00:09:49,965
And then I ate her
Outback Steakhouse salad,
202
00:09:50,191 --> 00:09:52,896
- which she didn't want.
- As someone who only listens
203
00:09:52,907 --> 00:09:55,679
to the first half of sentences, nice.
204
00:09:55,690 --> 00:09:57,896
- She single?
- No, she's married.
205
00:09:57,907 --> 00:09:59,476
Her husband was there all night.
206
00:09:59,631 --> 00:10:02,379
I think they live together
more as brother and sister
207
00:10:02,390 --> 00:10:03,660
than husband and wife.
208
00:10:03,671 --> 00:10:05,675
Oh, happens to a lot of couples, I hear.
209
00:10:05,989 --> 00:10:07,425
There's a bit more going on.
210
00:10:07,492 --> 00:10:10,867
I don't think there's a lot
of dew left on his lily, right?
211
00:10:10,878 --> 00:10:12,265
You know what, Griffin?
212
00:10:12,276 --> 00:10:15,943
We're gonna carry you out on
our shoulders because of sex.
213
00:10:16,064 --> 00:10:17,560
All right, just be careful.
214
00:10:17,571 --> 00:10:19,973
Easy. I'm husky.
215
00:10:19,984 --> 00:10:22,851
Falling six feet for me is
like nine feet for others.
216
00:10:22,862 --> 00:10:24,465
I don't feel supported!
217
00:10:27,338 --> 00:10:28,875
Well, Chris Griffin.
218
00:10:29,082 --> 00:10:32,554
Uh, hello, Miss Pewterschmidt.
219
00:10:32,565 --> 00:10:34,100
I'm so proud of you.
220
00:10:34,112 --> 00:10:35,615
I know you didn't want
me to be your teacher,
221
00:10:35,681 --> 00:10:38,743
but it's such a thrill to
see you making new friends.
222
00:10:38,754 --> 00:10:41,058
See you later, Chris Griffin.
223
00:10:41,415 --> 00:10:44,455
Hey, stud. The cheerleading
squad decorated your locker.
224
00:10:44,466 --> 00:10:46,704
We do that for all the boys who "score."
225
00:10:46,715 --> 00:10:48,885
Wow. You guys decorated my locker?
226
00:10:49,042 --> 00:10:51,413
Well, the male cheerleaders did.
227
00:10:53,611 --> 00:10:57,225
We decorated it in what is known
as the Hollywood Regency Style.
228
00:10:57,292 --> 00:11:00,365
A delightful blend of Art
Deco themes and silhouettes.
229
00:11:00,465 --> 00:11:04,205
Did you notice the pop of color?
The pop of color was my idea.
230
00:11:07,135 --> 00:11:09,784
Hey, I heard a weird rumor about you.
231
00:11:09,795 --> 00:11:11,397
Oh, that I took a trip to Jamaica
232
00:11:11,408 --> 00:11:12,979
and my room was robbed of everything
233
00:11:12,990 --> 00:11:14,894
except my camera and toothbrush?
234
00:11:14,905 --> 00:11:16,608
And then I carried on
using my toothbrush,
235
00:11:16,877 --> 00:11:18,881
as one does on vacation,
but when I got home,
236
00:11:19,124 --> 00:11:20,961
I developed my film
and there was a picture
237
00:11:20,972 --> 00:11:24,646
of a Jamaican man using
my Oral-B as his anal-B?
238
00:11:24,859 --> 00:11:28,533
Yeah, it sort of happened,
but I was the Jamaican man.
239
00:11:28,544 --> 00:11:30,313
No, people are saying you're sleeping
240
00:11:30,324 --> 00:11:33,330
with "Miss Pewterschmidt," who is Mom.
241
00:11:33,397 --> 00:11:35,034
You do know she's Mom, right?
242
00:11:35,135 --> 00:11:36,603
I know she's Mom.
243
00:11:36,670 --> 00:11:38,040
And I may have said some things
244
00:11:38,140 --> 00:11:40,011
that made people think we're having sex.
245
00:11:40,078 --> 00:11:42,582
But the guys in class
now think I'm cool.
246
00:11:42,593 --> 00:11:44,798
Chris, Mom could get arrested.
247
00:11:44,974 --> 00:11:46,878
Mom knew when she took this job
248
00:11:47,025 --> 00:11:49,897
there was a chance we'd
wind up pretend-banging.
249
00:11:49,908 --> 00:11:52,212
I'm not going back to being unpopular.
250
00:11:52,368 --> 00:11:55,541
Well, Chris, tell me just
one thing about Mom...
251
00:11:55,552 --> 00:11:57,034
is she bigger than me?
252
00:11:57,045 --> 00:11:58,849
This program is now "TV-MA"
253
00:11:58,916 --> 00:12:00,657
because of what Meg just said.
254
00:12:05,264 --> 00:12:07,154
Got to say, I'm pretty beat.
255
00:12:07,165 --> 00:12:10,338
Sleeping with Miss Pewterschmidt,
256
00:12:10,405 --> 00:12:12,208
but we're not sleeping, you know?
257
00:12:12,309 --> 00:12:15,447
Hard to sleep when you're doing stuff.
258
00:12:15,548 --> 00:12:19,022
Yeah. But what did you do, exactly?
259
00:12:19,089 --> 00:12:22,261
Well, she has this whole
"mom" thing going on.
260
00:12:22,328 --> 00:12:23,932
Last night, she scolded me
261
00:12:23,999 --> 00:12:25,368
for tracking mud in the living room.
262
00:12:25,434 --> 00:12:29,341
Obviously trying to
get me out of my shoes.
263
00:12:29,352 --> 00:12:31,189
Ooh, what a turn-on.
264
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:32,247
That's not sex.
265
00:12:32,258 --> 00:12:34,496
Tell us exactly what
sex you and she did.
266
00:12:34,592 --> 00:12:36,763
Come on, Chris.
267
00:12:36,774 --> 00:12:38,644
You've seen thousands of hours of porn.
268
00:12:38,951 --> 00:12:40,286
You can do this.
269
00:12:40,297 --> 00:12:44,072
Well, Miss Pewterschmidt was
a braless real estate agent
270
00:12:44,205 --> 00:12:46,476
who was showing me a
large, mostly empty home
271
00:12:46,576 --> 00:12:47,612
in Van Nuys, California,
272
00:12:47,712 --> 00:12:50,385
and she'd do anything to make the sale.
273
00:12:50,452 --> 00:12:53,925
I showed her a thick wad of
ones and we were off to the races
274
00:12:54,059 --> 00:12:57,666
on a brown leather couch
next to an empty CD tower.
275
00:12:57,677 --> 00:12:58,723
That's just porn.
276
00:12:58,734 --> 00:13:00,840
Yeah, you're just making
this whole thing up.
277
00:13:00,851 --> 00:13:03,322
No, we really had sex.
278
00:13:03,477 --> 00:13:05,314
I mean, the house purchase
fell through, though,
279
00:13:05,381 --> 00:13:07,218
because of some issues
with the appraisal,
280
00:13:07,319 --> 00:13:09,422
but that's not uncommon in this market.
281
00:13:09,433 --> 00:13:10,604
We want a picture.
282
00:13:10,615 --> 00:13:13,604
A naked picture of Miss
P. or you're a liar.
283
00:13:13,615 --> 00:13:16,257
A naked picture? Okay.
284
00:13:16,269 --> 00:13:18,373
But I have to warn you,
285
00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:20,846
sometimes she looks
exactly like Halle Berry
286
00:13:20,946 --> 00:13:22,883
bent over the sofa in Monster's Ball.
287
00:13:22,950 --> 00:13:24,753
Get us a naked picture of her.
288
00:13:25,043 --> 00:13:28,594
And until then, go sit with
the angry hearing aid kids.
289
00:13:34,472 --> 00:13:37,813
Oh, look who it is. Mr. Popular.
290
00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:41,019
Oh, look who it is. Mr. Popular.
291
00:13:41,030 --> 00:13:44,762
Oh, hear who it is. Mr. Popular.
292
00:13:49,656 --> 00:13:51,407
Okay, Chris, you can do this.
293
00:13:51,418 --> 00:13:53,924
Plenty of people have taken
nude pictures of their mom.
294
00:13:54,112 --> 00:13:56,283
Possibly Liz Hurley's weirdly pretty son
295
00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:58,532
with whom she seems entirely too close.
296
00:14:15,154 --> 00:14:17,425
I can't. I can't.
297
00:14:17,597 --> 00:14:20,849
It's my mom. I'm not a dirtbag.
298
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:22,397
Psst. Chris.
299
00:14:23,549 --> 00:14:27,390
That it has even gone this
far means you are a dirtbag.
300
00:14:27,401 --> 00:14:30,375
- Own it.
- I don't know, Mr. Quagmire.
301
00:14:30,507 --> 00:14:32,478
"In order to find real happiness,
302
00:14:32,489 --> 00:14:34,092
"you must learn to love yourself
303
00:14:34,159 --> 00:14:36,163
for the totality of who you are."
304
00:14:36,230 --> 00:14:38,233
Portia de Rossi.
305
00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:51,085
Where's the picture, Griffin?
306
00:14:54,078 --> 00:14:56,216
Awesome. Send it to us.
307
00:14:56,403 --> 00:14:58,240
Promise you won't share it?
308
00:14:58,251 --> 00:15:00,655
Of course not. We're best pals.
309
00:15:00,812 --> 00:15:03,852
Well, we have made a
lot of memories together.
310
00:15:03,949 --> 00:15:08,925
♪ So take the photographs and
still frames in your mind ♪
311
00:15:08,995 --> 00:15:13,637
♪ Hang it on a shelf in
good health and good time ♪
312
00:15:13,816 --> 00:15:18,770
♪ Tattoos of memories
and dead skin on trial ♪
313
00:15:18,836 --> 00:15:23,112
♪ For what it's worth, it
was worth all the while ♪
314
00:15:23,212 --> 00:15:26,285
♪ It's something unpredictable ♪
315
00:15:26,296 --> 00:15:28,634
♪ But in the end is right ♪
316
00:15:28,701 --> 00:15:32,542
♪ I hope you had the
time of your life. ♪
317
00:15:32,575 --> 00:15:34,980
Okay, I was thinking of the wrong stuff,
318
00:15:34,991 --> 00:15:37,029
but I guess I can trust these guys.
319
00:15:44,186 --> 00:15:45,326
_
320
00:15:45,337 --> 00:15:46,773
_
321
00:15:47,353 --> 00:15:50,599
_
322
00:15:52,515 --> 00:15:55,121
"Miss Pewterschmidt is
sleeping with a student.
323
00:15:55,154 --> 00:15:57,359
Here's the proof." That's her.
324
00:15:57,425 --> 00:16:00,231
And it looks like someone
in her home is using
325
00:16:00,298 --> 00:16:02,870
"Kerasilk Shampoo for
color-treated hair."
326
00:16:02,937 --> 00:16:04,305
I wonder who?
327
00:16:05,166 --> 00:16:06,579
I'll never tell.
328
00:16:06,590 --> 00:16:07,993
Kerasilk Color Shampoo.
329
00:16:08,327 --> 00:16:10,063
It keeps color-treated hair vibrant,
330
00:16:10,251 --> 00:16:11,954
and that keeps me out of the salon.
331
00:16:19,843 --> 00:16:21,312
Principal Shepherd sounded mad
332
00:16:21,529 --> 00:16:22,965
when he called me in this morning.
333
00:16:22,976 --> 00:16:25,614
Well, his ex-wife's now
garnishing his sandwiches,
334
00:16:25,681 --> 00:16:27,418
and I don't mean adding parsley.
335
00:16:27,518 --> 00:16:29,355
You can go in now.
336
00:16:29,422 --> 00:16:32,561
He must have found
out about the master's degree.
337
00:16:32,662 --> 00:16:35,634
Okay, I'll go in and
I'll just be honest.
338
00:16:37,106 --> 00:16:40,711
Miss Pewterschmidt, I have a very
grave matter to discuss with you.
339
00:16:40,779 --> 00:16:43,584
And I know what it is. I'm guilty.
340
00:16:43,595 --> 00:16:45,900
Well, I appreciate the honesty.
341
00:16:46,056 --> 00:16:48,594
I mean, I did the same
thing at my son's preschool
342
00:16:48,661 --> 00:16:50,464
- and no one cared.
- Wha... ?
343
00:16:50,564 --> 00:16:53,170
I just want to touch kids, and I have.
344
00:16:53,181 --> 00:16:55,084
All of them. Even the girls.
345
00:16:55,095 --> 00:16:56,866
One boy was unhappy with his D
346
00:16:56,951 --> 00:16:58,854
and I promised to help him get it up.
347
00:16:58,975 --> 00:17:00,646
Then it was, "Cram, cram, cram."
348
00:17:00,886 --> 00:17:03,557
I'm close to breaking
my pencil in outrage.
349
00:17:03,624 --> 00:17:06,697
One boy's a little slow,
but I whisper in his ear,
350
00:17:06,708 --> 00:17:07,809
"You can do it,"
351
00:17:07,966 --> 00:17:10,806
and the smile on his
face when he finishes.
352
00:17:10,906 --> 00:17:14,246
Miss Pewterschmidt, you
cannot sleep with students!
353
00:17:14,278 --> 00:17:16,604
What? No, never!
354
00:17:16,616 --> 00:17:18,454
I thought you were
talking about me lying
355
00:17:18,554 --> 00:17:20,324
about having a master's degree.
356
00:17:20,335 --> 00:17:22,106
Oh, no, no, no.
357
00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:24,412
Take a look at my
master's on the wall there.
358
00:17:24,599 --> 00:17:26,603
"The Harvard Yale Principal School
359
00:17:26,614 --> 00:17:28,720
of the Republic of Cuervo."
360
00:17:28,731 --> 00:17:30,040
We all lie.
361
00:17:30,051 --> 00:17:31,520
Who's gonna pay for a master's
362
00:17:31,531 --> 00:17:33,501
to teach at the high school level?
363
00:17:33,961 --> 00:17:37,392
But still, how did a student
get this nude photo of you?
364
00:17:37,924 --> 00:17:41,399
Oh, my! Okay, I don't hate that angle.
365
00:17:41,526 --> 00:17:43,965
But I... I think I know who took this.
366
00:17:43,976 --> 00:17:45,043
I'll take care of it.
367
00:17:45,054 --> 00:17:47,180
And-and can you send
me the photo, please?
368
00:17:48,300 --> 00:17:49,837
Can you delete it from your phone?
369
00:17:49,848 --> 00:17:51,784
Of course. Click.
370
00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:55,253
- All you did was say, "Click."
- It's an old phone.
371
00:17:59,241 --> 00:18:02,008
Hear you're doing it with a
teacher, huh? I'm proud of you.
372
00:18:02,019 --> 00:18:04,657
They say her husband's got
no more dew on the lily.
373
00:18:04,668 --> 00:18:07,775
Christopher Cross
Griffin! How could you?
374
00:18:07,811 --> 00:18:09,411
Oh. Hi, Mom.
375
00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:10,825
Peter, your son told everyone
376
00:18:10,926 --> 00:18:12,929
that he and I were sleeping together,
377
00:18:13,029 --> 00:18:15,534
and then, then he
sent a nude photo of me
378
00:18:15,601 --> 00:18:17,438
to his friends and now
it's all over school.
379
00:18:17,538 --> 00:18:19,844
The soap acts like a
bikini, hiding everything.
380
00:18:19,944 --> 00:18:22,715
There's a subreddit for that.
Let me see if it's there yet.
381
00:18:22,726 --> 00:18:25,631
I'm sorry. I didn't
think it would get around.
382
00:18:27,129 --> 00:18:30,053
Chris, if people think I'm
sleeping with a student,
383
00:18:30,064 --> 00:18:31,633
I could go to jail.
384
00:18:31,685 --> 00:18:33,957
Now, you are gonna march
into school tomorrow
385
00:18:34,038 --> 00:18:35,274
and tell everyone the truth.
386
00:18:35,511 --> 00:18:38,837
I just wanted to be in with
the cool kids no matter what.
387
00:18:38,848 --> 00:18:41,719
I saw popularity and I went for it.
388
00:18:42,243 --> 00:18:45,683
Oh, honey, you wanted
something and you lied.
389
00:18:45,694 --> 00:18:47,531
You were manifesting.
390
00:18:47,598 --> 00:18:51,005
I wouldn't use that awful term, but yes.
391
00:18:53,644 --> 00:18:56,416
You made it. "Soapkinis."
Lot of upvotes.
392
00:18:56,483 --> 00:18:58,320
You know, Chris, I bet your new friends
393
00:18:58,387 --> 00:18:59,897
will admire your honesty.
394
00:18:59,908 --> 00:19:01,578
You're brutally naive.
395
00:19:01,828 --> 00:19:04,699
You're also on the
subreddits "Over40GoneWild,"
396
00:19:04,767 --> 00:19:06,971
"Mombod," and you're
even the alluring photo
397
00:19:07,038 --> 00:19:09,877
that gets me to click on a link
about celebrity bankruptcies.
398
00:19:10,210 --> 00:19:13,750
Joey Lawrence sold his condo at a loss?
399
00:19:14,468 --> 00:19:17,614
Come on, let's go out and get
some ice cream, my little man.
400
00:19:17,625 --> 00:19:20,765
"Floyd Mayweather Jr. KO'd by the IRS"?
401
00:19:20,832 --> 00:19:23,470
I don't know, Mom. People may talk.
402
00:19:23,603 --> 00:19:25,474
Not ready to laugh at this, Chris.
403
00:19:25,608 --> 00:19:28,280
Sheena Easton lives in
reduced circumstances
404
00:19:28,347 --> 00:19:29,916
in Henderson, Nevada? No!
405
00:19:36,208 --> 00:19:37,755
Good morning, everyone.
406
00:19:37,766 --> 00:19:39,502
I've done something terrible,
407
00:19:39,602 --> 00:19:43,377
although not as terrible
as the cafeteria meatloaf.
408
00:19:43,388 --> 00:19:45,124
Thought I'd open with a little humor.
409
00:19:45,135 --> 00:19:47,775
Ha! Popular kids are always funny.
410
00:19:47,818 --> 00:19:49,287
Chris, get to the point.
411
00:19:49,489 --> 00:19:52,328
Well, I told many of
you that I was sleeping
412
00:19:52,339 --> 00:19:54,077
with Miss Pewterschmidt.
413
00:19:54,088 --> 00:19:55,958
I shared a shower photo of her.
414
00:19:55,969 --> 00:19:57,293
If you haven't seen it yet,
415
00:19:57,304 --> 00:19:59,542
it's on the subreddit "Soapkinis."
416
00:19:59,553 --> 00:20:01,091
You're the man, Chris!
417
00:20:01,102 --> 00:20:04,074
No, I'm a liar. None of that happened.
418
00:20:04,385 --> 00:20:08,193
Mo... I mean, Miss Pewterschmidt,
is an excellent teacher
419
00:20:08,260 --> 00:20:10,231
who would never do such a thing.
420
00:20:10,242 --> 00:20:11,712
I hope everyone can forgive me
421
00:20:11,834 --> 00:20:14,806
and see that I just
wanted a few friends.
422
00:20:15,015 --> 00:20:16,565
- Loser.
- Liar.
423
00:20:16,576 --> 00:20:18,246
Real cough, long COVID.
424
00:20:22,611 --> 00:20:26,285
Now, hold on, hold on. Let
me tell you all the truth.
425
00:20:26,296 --> 00:20:29,435
Chris Griffin was the
biggest thing I ever had.
426
00:20:31,432 --> 00:20:34,071
Oh, I thought I was gonna break in two.
427
00:20:34,082 --> 00:20:36,654
He was 22 inches and 11 pounds.
428
00:20:36,884 --> 00:20:40,291
But I knew he was gonna
change my life for the better.
429
00:20:50,550 --> 00:20:53,155
Mom got six years for sex with a minor.
430
00:20:53,469 --> 00:20:55,841
Asher died in an e-bike accident.
431
00:20:55,962 --> 00:20:57,119
And as for me,
432
00:20:57,130 --> 00:20:59,903
I married Liz Hurley's
strangely attractive son.
433
00:20:59,996 --> 00:21:02,367
My name is Chris Griffin Hurley.
434
00:21:02,378 --> 00:21:04,048
I took his name.
435
00:21:04,192 --> 00:21:09,192
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- www.MY-SUBS.com -
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