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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,833 --> 00:00:09,767 [rock music] 2 00:00:09,767 --> 00:00:11,800 - * Tear it down 3 00:00:16,500 --> 00:00:18,567 - You know there's no music, right? 4 00:00:18,567 --> 00:00:21,367 - Don't need it. I am celebrating. 5 00:00:21,367 --> 00:00:24,633 That bitch, Alyssa F., got transferred out of my class. 6 00:00:24,633 --> 00:00:26,167 [laughs] - Whoo! 7 00:00:26,167 --> 00:00:27,900 - Bye-bye! [laughs] 8 00:00:27,900 --> 00:00:29,600 - Alyssa with the leg braces? 9 00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:32,600 - Look, I know it sounds rough, but everyone telling her 10 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:35,433 "you can do anything" gave her a serious attitude problem. 11 00:00:35,433 --> 00:00:39,633 - Whoo! We're so drunk. 12 00:00:39,633 --> 00:00:43,367 [both laughing] 13 00:00:44,267 --> 00:00:45,833 - Why are we watching this? 14 00:00:45,833 --> 00:00:48,167 - Because it's sad. - Because it's hilarious. 15 00:00:48,167 --> 00:00:50,167 - Watch my purse. 16 00:00:50,167 --> 00:00:53,600 Gotta drop some diamonds in the vault. 17 00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:55,067 Be still, my babies. 18 00:00:55,067 --> 00:00:57,933 - Whoopsie, girlie-o. [laughs] This way. 19 00:00:57,933 --> 00:01:00,200 We're having fun. [laughs] 20 00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:01,900 - You guys, I have to tell you 21 00:01:01,900 --> 00:01:05,567 about the most amazing book I'm reading, 22 00:01:05,567 --> 00:01:08,700 "The System" by Dr. Daffodil Shalomar. 23 00:01:08,700 --> 00:01:10,233 - What's The System? 24 00:01:10,233 --> 00:01:13,333 The System is all about the power of positive thinking. 25 00:01:13,333 --> 00:01:14,800 It says that if you want something, 26 00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:17,433 you just demand it and it'll happen. 27 00:01:17,433 --> 00:01:18,733 - You know that's bullshit, right? 28 00:01:18,733 --> 00:01:20,700 - Oh, really? Because last night, 29 00:01:20,700 --> 00:01:23,167 I demanded more order in my life, and this morning, 30 00:01:23,167 --> 00:01:26,200 The Container Store sent me this coupon. 31 00:01:27,233 --> 00:01:29,600 The System works. 32 00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:31,667 - Uh-ohh. No, no, this way. Okay, here we go. 33 00:01:31,667 --> 00:01:34,167 - Oh, get your roots done. You make me sick! 34 00:01:34,167 --> 00:01:36,367 - Oh, we're making fun of people, 35 00:01:36,367 --> 00:01:38,767 which means we're having fun. 36 00:01:38,767 --> 00:01:40,233 - I feel fat. 37 00:01:40,233 --> 00:01:42,233 - No. - Yeah. 38 00:01:42,233 --> 00:01:44,433 - Chelsea, you look like a supermodel. 39 00:01:44,433 --> 00:01:46,400 You're practically anorexic. 40 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:48,833 - Oh. Thank you. 41 00:01:48,833 --> 00:01:53,667 Oh, what would I do without you constantly complimenting me? 42 00:01:53,667 --> 00:01:55,600 Okay, I have to get out of this jumper. 43 00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:58,167 I feel like a Chilean miner in here. 44 00:01:58,167 --> 00:02:00,500 Thanks, bitch. I just love ya. 45 00:02:02,533 --> 00:02:04,433 - * One crush Before we knew it * 46 00:02:04,433 --> 00:02:06,667 * We were deep in love 47 00:02:08,300 --> 00:02:09,900 - Hey, don't forget, this is the last week 48 00:02:09,900 --> 00:02:12,100 you can get your physical if you want insurance to cover it. 49 00:02:12,100 --> 00:02:14,233 - Why do we have to answer all those personal questions? 50 00:02:14,233 --> 00:02:16,100 - Had mine this morning. Gotta say, 51 00:02:16,100 --> 00:02:20,367 not as much fun as when the breast exam van comes by. 52 00:02:21,467 --> 00:02:23,500 - There's no breast exam van. 53 00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:26,367 - Oh, shit. 54 00:02:28,233 --> 00:02:30,333 - I demand water! 55 00:02:30,333 --> 00:02:31,400 [door opens] 56 00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:32,967 [Asian pipe music] 57 00:02:32,967 --> 00:02:34,367 [gasps] 58 00:02:35,767 --> 00:02:37,300 [whispering] The System works. 59 00:02:37,300 --> 00:02:40,333 - No. I set up a delivery yesterday. 60 00:02:40,333 --> 00:02:42,800 - Or did I set it up with my mind? 61 00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:44,300 - I cannot believe you're buying into 62 00:02:44,300 --> 00:02:46,367 this commercialized spirituality. 63 00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:48,300 That book comes with a T-shirt. 64 00:02:48,300 --> 00:02:49,733 - Jodi Sweetin swears by it. 65 00:02:49,733 --> 00:02:51,600 It's what finally got her off meth. 66 00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:53,667 - Does The System work for things you don't want to happen? 67 00:02:53,667 --> 00:02:56,667 - Hey, girl. Fun night last night. 68 00:02:56,667 --> 00:02:58,333 Here, take some of this lotion. 69 00:02:58,333 --> 00:03:00,900 I feel like I just gave 11 hand jobs. 70 00:03:02,067 --> 00:03:05,067 [sweet music] 71 00:03:05,067 --> 00:03:06,067 * 72 00:03:06,067 --> 00:03:08,533 I just love ya. 73 00:03:08,533 --> 00:03:11,433 - * Two kids, one crush 74 00:03:11,433 --> 00:03:14,533 * Before we knew it we were deep in love * 75 00:03:15,933 --> 00:03:18,300 - Stop it! 76 00:03:18,300 --> 00:03:19,867 I have to go teach a class. 77 00:03:22,067 --> 00:03:25,900 - So nobody's been in a van that gives breast exams? 78 00:03:27,433 --> 00:03:31,167 All right class, the first step of the scientific method 79 00:03:31,167 --> 00:03:36,767 is to ask a question. Today's question is... 80 00:03:36,767 --> 00:03:38,833 what happened to Seal's face? 81 00:03:40,233 --> 00:03:42,967 Brad? 82 00:03:42,967 --> 00:03:44,567 - He got burned by oil. 83 00:03:44,567 --> 00:03:46,600 - What a great detail. Great critical thinking. 84 00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:48,367 Good job. Yeah, sweetie? 85 00:03:48,367 --> 00:03:49,933 - Maybe he got scratched by a tiger. 86 00:03:49,933 --> 00:03:52,067 - Mm-hmm, yeah, that's a real possibility too. 87 00:03:52,067 --> 00:03:53,300 Polly? 88 00:03:53,300 --> 00:03:54,867 - I think he's allergic to seals. 89 00:03:54,867 --> 00:03:58,267 - Wow, guys. Is Seal allergic to seals? 90 00:03:58,267 --> 00:04:00,933 Or is he allergic to himself? 91 00:04:00,933 --> 00:04:02,067 A bit too much? 92 00:04:02,067 --> 00:04:04,367 - Ms. Feldman? I need to see you 93 00:04:04,367 --> 00:04:07,167 in my office, now. 94 00:04:07,167 --> 00:04:09,767 all: Ooh! 95 00:04:09,767 --> 00:04:11,567 - [mocking] Ooh! 96 00:04:11,567 --> 00:04:13,700 I love you guys. [chuckles] 97 00:04:14,833 --> 00:04:16,433 - All right, everyone, hand in 98 00:04:16,433 --> 00:04:19,367 your pen pal letters for the elderly. 99 00:04:22,467 --> 00:04:24,400 - Hey, give it back! I need it. 100 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:26,533 - Avery? Maria? - No, I want--I want it! 101 00:04:26,533 --> 00:04:28,167 What's going on back here? 102 00:04:28,167 --> 00:04:30,067 - She's touching my crayons. 103 00:04:30,067 --> 00:04:33,200 - Avery, are you touching Maria's crayons? 104 00:04:33,200 --> 00:04:35,067 - Yeah, I want a crayon. 105 00:04:35,067 --> 00:04:36,800 - If you want to touch someone's crayons, 106 00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:38,533 you should find someone who's okay 107 00:04:38,533 --> 00:04:41,067 with having their crayons touched. 108 00:04:41,067 --> 00:04:43,267 - But I thought we were supposed to share. 109 00:04:43,267 --> 00:04:45,633 - No! No more sharing! 110 00:04:45,633 --> 00:04:48,333 It sends a very confusing message. 111 00:04:48,333 --> 00:04:49,933 - She's my friend. 112 00:04:49,933 --> 00:04:51,500 - I don't care. 113 00:04:51,500 --> 00:04:55,367 Avery, you want more from Maria than Maria is willing to give. 114 00:04:55,367 --> 00:04:58,667 Maria, I think you should stop being Avery's friend. 115 00:04:58,667 --> 00:05:00,333 - It's not that big of a deal. 116 00:05:00,333 --> 00:05:01,933 - It's the biggest deal ever! 117 00:05:01,933 --> 00:05:04,367 You can't just touch your best friend's crayons 118 00:05:04,367 --> 00:05:06,933 and expect everything to be okay! 119 00:05:09,533 --> 00:05:13,533 - Ms. Feldman, you know that health history form 120 00:05:13,533 --> 00:05:16,633 you filled out during your annual physical? 121 00:05:16,633 --> 00:05:19,967 Did you mean to check every box yes? 122 00:05:19,967 --> 00:05:21,333 - Yes. 123 00:05:21,333 --> 00:05:23,067 - Why would you do that? 124 00:05:23,067 --> 00:05:26,167 You can't have every condition on that form. 125 00:05:26,167 --> 00:05:27,967 - I do. 126 00:05:29,667 --> 00:05:31,667 - You take drugs? - Mm-hmm. 127 00:05:31,667 --> 00:05:34,300 - You never exercise? - No. 128 00:05:34,300 --> 00:05:36,567 - Often have feelings of paranoia? 129 00:05:36,567 --> 00:05:38,733 None of us could believe you checked that one. 130 00:05:38,733 --> 00:05:42,500 - Oh, it's stuff like that that makes me paranoid. 131 00:05:44,067 --> 00:05:47,967 - And you frequently experience emotional instability, 132 00:05:47,967 --> 00:05:51,267 hallucinations, delusions of grandeur? 133 00:05:51,267 --> 00:05:54,067 - On my period, yes! 134 00:05:55,667 --> 00:05:59,867 - Why did you check that you have suicidal thoughts? 135 00:05:59,867 --> 00:06:03,600 - Because I have a lot of opinions about suicide. 136 00:06:07,233 --> 00:06:10,967 Oh! Now that I'm hearing that question aloud-- 137 00:06:10,967 --> 00:06:14,300 - Well, thanks to your answers, the school district is sending 138 00:06:14,300 --> 00:06:17,933 a psychologist to evaluate your classroom performance. 139 00:06:17,933 --> 00:06:20,233 - Oh, I do not think that is necessary. 140 00:06:20,233 --> 00:06:21,633 - The district does. 141 00:06:21,633 --> 00:06:24,267 Your answers were very disturbing. 142 00:06:24,267 --> 00:06:26,767 Very disturbing! 143 00:06:26,767 --> 00:06:28,300 We're done here. 144 00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:30,433 - Oh. 145 00:06:34,500 --> 00:06:36,700 For the record, suicidal opinions 146 00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:39,767 are a lot different than suicidal thoughts. 147 00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:42,467 For sure. Thank you. 148 00:06:45,833 --> 00:06:49,167 - Hey, girl. You smell good. 149 00:06:49,167 --> 00:06:52,067 Oh, that's right, it's my lotion. 150 00:06:52,067 --> 00:06:54,267 You and I are eating lunch on the playground today. 151 00:06:54,267 --> 00:06:55,467 There is this hot homeless guy 152 00:06:55,467 --> 00:06:56,833 wandering around the neighborhood. 153 00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:58,667 He looks just like Joaquin Phoenix. 154 00:06:58,667 --> 00:07:01,333 Oh, my God, maybe it is Joaquin Phoenix. 155 00:07:01,333 --> 00:07:02,467 - I can't. 156 00:07:02,467 --> 00:07:04,267 - Why not? - I ...have to go 157 00:07:04,267 --> 00:07:06,867 build a wood shack and make Ranch dip. 158 00:07:06,867 --> 00:07:09,200 - What? - I like you as a friend, 159 00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:12,600 but we're not exclusive lunch buddies. 160 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:17,100 - All right, whatever. Bye, Felicia. 161 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:22,133 - * Tear it down 162 00:07:22,133 --> 00:07:24,867 - Hey girl, you missed some goodies at lunch today. 163 00:07:24,867 --> 00:07:26,767 I was ears deep in a hot muffin. 164 00:07:26,767 --> 00:07:29,133 - [gasps] 165 00:07:29,133 --> 00:07:30,433 - [scoffs] 166 00:07:30,433 --> 00:07:32,933 Is it just me or is Bennigan acting weird lately? 167 00:07:32,933 --> 00:07:35,767 - No, I just had lunch with her and she seemed fine. 168 00:07:35,767 --> 00:07:39,200 Oh, dang! Let me ask you this. 169 00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:42,433 If you had neighbors next door that were loud, 170 00:07:42,433 --> 00:07:44,767 you'd call that hearing voices, wouldn't you? 171 00:07:44,767 --> 00:07:46,833 - Wait, you had lunch with her? 172 00:07:48,067 --> 00:07:49,500 Whatever. 173 00:07:49,500 --> 00:07:51,900 I didn't even want to have lunch with her today anyway. 174 00:07:51,900 --> 00:07:53,800 Did you know that she posts YouTube videos 175 00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:56,300 on how to fold a fitted sheet? Weird, right? 176 00:07:56,300 --> 00:07:57,800 - [gasps] You're still here? 177 00:07:58,833 --> 00:08:00,233 - What the heck? 178 00:08:00,233 --> 00:08:02,133 - Did you two have a fight or something? 179 00:08:02,133 --> 00:08:04,533 - We're, like, not even close enough friends to have a fight. 180 00:08:04,533 --> 00:08:07,100 Besides, I have tons of friends. Too many friends. 181 00:08:07,100 --> 00:08:08,867 In fact, last year during spring cleaning, 182 00:08:08,867 --> 00:08:10,267 I got rid of some friends. 183 00:08:11,367 --> 00:08:14,300 Get out of my face! 184 00:08:15,833 --> 00:08:17,067 - What are you doing? 185 00:08:17,067 --> 00:08:18,400 - I'm making a vision board. 186 00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:20,600 The System says it'll complement my demands 187 00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:21,933 and help me achieve my goals. 188 00:08:21,933 --> 00:08:24,067 - Oh. Is that an infinity pool? 189 00:08:24,067 --> 00:08:26,200 - Yes, and a husband with a boat, 190 00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:28,833 a private orchard, and a bathroom with a telephone. 191 00:08:28,833 --> 00:08:31,967 - You do know you make $37,000 a year, right? 192 00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:36,600 - I don't like your attitude. I demand that you leave. 193 00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:38,600 [Asian pipe music] 194 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:41,533 - Just so you know, I'm leaving because I can't stand to be 195 00:08:41,533 --> 00:08:45,767 around this idiocy anymore, not because you willed it. 196 00:08:45,767 --> 00:08:47,400 - The System works. 197 00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:50,333 [Asian pipe music] 198 00:08:52,533 --> 00:08:54,733 - Ugh, I look heinous. 199 00:08:54,733 --> 00:08:56,267 I can feel my heartbeat through this pimple. 200 00:08:56,267 --> 00:08:58,200 - Ugh. Yeah, when that thing blows, 201 00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:01,167 it's gonna be like Pompeii in here. 202 00:09:01,167 --> 00:09:02,700 - Okay, I'm clearly not doing well, 203 00:09:02,700 --> 00:09:04,900 so the polite thing to do when someone criticizes themselves 204 00:09:04,900 --> 00:09:06,433 is to compliment them. 205 00:09:06,433 --> 00:09:09,533 - Sorry, Chelsea, I'm not gonna "Bennigan" you. 206 00:09:09,533 --> 00:09:11,867 - Oh. 207 00:09:13,167 --> 00:09:15,233 - How am I supposed to feel good about myself? 208 00:09:15,233 --> 00:09:17,500 [groans] 209 00:09:17,500 --> 00:09:20,400 - [sobs] 210 00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:23,400 I was going to the bathroom and suddenly, 211 00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:25,533 for no reason, I couldn't breathe. 212 00:09:25,533 --> 00:09:26,633 - Mm-hmm. 213 00:09:26,633 --> 00:09:29,100 - Okay, there was a reason. 214 00:09:29,100 --> 00:09:31,067 And since we have nurse-patient confidentiality, 215 00:09:31,067 --> 00:09:34,267 I guess I can tell you. 216 00:09:34,267 --> 00:09:36,333 My best friend Chelsea's suffering 217 00:09:36,333 --> 00:09:38,767 because she's in love with me. 218 00:09:38,767 --> 00:09:40,933 - Mm-hmm. 219 00:09:40,933 --> 00:09:44,133 [romantic music] 220 00:09:44,133 --> 00:09:46,233 * 221 00:09:46,233 --> 00:09:48,267 - We're so beautiful. 222 00:09:48,267 --> 00:09:53,267 * 223 00:09:53,267 --> 00:09:54,500 - [gasps] 224 00:09:54,500 --> 00:09:56,500 But I can't help her. 225 00:09:56,500 --> 00:09:57,700 You have to understand, 226 00:09:57,700 --> 00:09:59,067 I never knew she felt this way about me. 227 00:09:59,067 --> 00:10:00,833 - Mm-hmm. - Seriously. 228 00:10:00,833 --> 00:10:02,100 She sleeps with hundreds of men 229 00:10:02,100 --> 00:10:03,767 and practically lives at the Ramada. 230 00:10:03,767 --> 00:10:05,833 How was I to know? - Mm-hmm. 231 00:10:05,833 --> 00:10:07,567 - I can't be her girlfriend. 232 00:10:07,567 --> 00:10:10,167 I mean, when my friend Josiah was caught 233 00:10:10,167 --> 00:10:11,800 kissing boys at Rapture Camp, 234 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:15,200 they sent him to North Dakota so he could stop being gay. 235 00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:16,933 I don't want to go to North Dakota! 236 00:10:16,933 --> 00:10:18,300 - Mm-hmm. 237 00:10:18,300 --> 00:10:19,867 - You're right. 238 00:10:19,867 --> 00:10:22,800 I have to cut her out of my life. 239 00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:25,400 Thank you. 240 00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:26,367 [door squeaking] 241 00:10:26,367 --> 00:10:27,733 - I don't get paid enough 242 00:10:27,733 --> 00:10:30,300 to deal with these crazy bitches. 243 00:10:34,033 --> 00:10:35,900 - Are you nervous about the evaluation? 244 00:10:35,900 --> 00:10:37,533 - Nah, when they come to my classroom, 245 00:10:37,533 --> 00:10:41,333 I'll just put on that video where monkeys teach fractions. 246 00:10:41,333 --> 00:10:42,933 [chuckles] It's hilarious. 247 00:10:42,933 --> 00:10:45,067 - Feldman, this is really serious. 248 00:10:45,067 --> 00:10:46,467 If they find you mentally unstable, 249 00:10:46,467 --> 00:10:48,067 they can take away your teaching license. 250 00:10:48,067 --> 00:10:49,433 - It's okay. 251 00:10:49,433 --> 00:10:51,867 You just have to act like a normal teacher. 252 00:10:51,867 --> 00:10:54,600 - Oh, crap. 253 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:57,167 - And that was how I realized Houses for Humans 254 00:10:57,167 --> 00:10:58,900 was corporatizing their donations. 255 00:10:58,900 --> 00:11:01,067 - I'm sorry. I'm confused. 256 00:11:01,067 --> 00:11:03,767 What does this story have to do with me? 257 00:11:03,767 --> 00:11:04,967 Have you talked to Bennigan? 258 00:11:04,967 --> 00:11:06,867 - What is going on with you two? 259 00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:09,233 - I don't know. She's avoiding me. 260 00:11:09,233 --> 00:11:11,900 It sucks not having my little Christian with me all day. 261 00:11:11,900 --> 00:11:13,100 I miss our talks about "Teen Mom" 262 00:11:13,100 --> 00:11:14,267 where we guess which one will be 263 00:11:14,267 --> 00:11:15,967 the first to get their kid taken away. 264 00:11:15,967 --> 00:11:19,167 But I, like, don't really miss her or anything. 265 00:11:19,167 --> 00:11:21,167 - Of course you do. She's your best friend. 266 00:11:21,167 --> 00:11:23,100 - She is not my best friend. 267 00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:25,500 - Yeah, she is. - No, she's not. 268 00:11:25,500 --> 00:11:27,300 She's my co-worker. 269 00:11:27,300 --> 00:11:29,467 We just make our mid-afternoon French presses together. 270 00:11:29,467 --> 00:11:32,300 And we make fun of Rhonda the gym teacher and her FUPA, 271 00:11:32,300 --> 00:11:34,100 and one time when I had my wisdom teeth taken out, 272 00:11:34,100 --> 00:11:35,633 and my cheeks blew up like a chipmunk, 273 00:11:35,633 --> 00:11:37,400 she shoved food in her cheeks so she looked like a chipmunk, 274 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:38,933 and we created these characters called 275 00:11:38,933 --> 00:11:40,200 * Cheeky, cheeky chipmunk-- 276 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:43,733 Oh, my God, she's my best friend. 277 00:11:43,733 --> 00:11:46,067 Mary Louise! 278 00:11:46,067 --> 00:11:48,900 * Cheeky, cheeky chipmunk 279 00:11:48,900 --> 00:11:51,067 - I'm not a chipmunk. 280 00:11:51,067 --> 00:11:54,200 I'm a woman. 281 00:11:59,733 --> 00:12:02,567 - * Tear it down 282 00:12:02,567 --> 00:12:04,067 * Tear it down 283 00:12:04,067 --> 00:12:06,533 - I've never seen you here before 7:30. 284 00:12:06,533 --> 00:12:09,067 Did your date have an early checkout at the Ramada? 285 00:12:09,067 --> 00:12:11,467 - No. I'm waiting for Mary Louise. 286 00:12:11,467 --> 00:12:12,600 - Huh. 287 00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:14,833 Look who's become the bottom bitch. 288 00:12:14,833 --> 00:12:16,967 - [gasps] 289 00:12:16,967 --> 00:12:18,467 - [strained gasp] 290 00:12:18,467 --> 00:12:20,233 - Wait, Mary Louise! 291 00:12:20,233 --> 00:12:21,567 I don't know what happened between us, 292 00:12:21,567 --> 00:12:24,067 but I am sorry if I did something wrong. 293 00:12:24,067 --> 00:12:25,333 I got you this bracelet to show you 294 00:12:25,333 --> 00:12:26,933 how much I appreciate our friendship. 295 00:12:26,933 --> 00:12:29,167 Look, "What Would Jesus Do?" 296 00:12:29,167 --> 00:12:32,367 [tense rock music] 297 00:12:32,367 --> 00:12:38,067 * 298 00:12:38,067 --> 00:12:40,600 What would Jesus do? 299 00:12:41,667 --> 00:12:43,333 - He would not do this! 300 00:12:43,333 --> 00:12:45,167 - [gasps] 301 00:12:45,167 --> 00:12:46,567 What is going on? 302 00:12:46,567 --> 00:12:47,700 [bell ringing] 303 00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:50,700 [funk music] 304 00:12:50,700 --> 00:12:58,633 * 305 00:13:00,700 --> 00:13:02,833 - Hello, my wonderful class. 306 00:13:02,833 --> 00:13:06,067 Last night, I wondered where all of you were, 307 00:13:06,067 --> 00:13:10,700 but then I remembered you're not really my children. 308 00:13:12,467 --> 00:13:14,133 [clears throat] 309 00:13:14,133 --> 00:13:15,933 These pantyhose are itchy. 310 00:13:15,933 --> 00:13:19,367 ...er than normal, because I wear them every day. 311 00:13:19,367 --> 00:13:20,633 - Why are you dressed funny? 312 00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:21,767 You usually dress like 313 00:13:21,767 --> 00:13:23,467 my sad uncle who yells at ghosts. 314 00:13:23,467 --> 00:13:25,067 - [laughs] 315 00:13:25,067 --> 00:13:27,567 Oh, I ain't afraid of no ghost. 316 00:13:29,267 --> 00:13:30,267 [glass breaking] 317 00:13:30,267 --> 00:13:31,967 [children gasping] 318 00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:36,200 Gonna take the spectacles off. 319 00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:38,533 Okay, my little learning lizards, 320 00:13:38,533 --> 00:13:40,933 why don't we pull out our workbooks 321 00:13:40,933 --> 00:13:43,767 that we work on every day? 322 00:13:43,767 --> 00:13:47,700 Brad, can you, uh, tell me the answer to 323 00:13:47,700 --> 00:13:50,500 number one on page 24? 324 00:13:50,500 --> 00:13:53,067 - No, you made us turn our notebooks into origami. 325 00:13:53,067 --> 00:13:54,067 Remember? 326 00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:55,100 On that day that we did 327 00:13:55,100 --> 00:13:57,633 the "Karate Kid" marathon. 328 00:13:57,633 --> 00:13:59,733 - [laughs nervously] 329 00:13:59,733 --> 00:14:01,367 Forget the workbooks! 330 00:14:01,367 --> 00:14:03,667 Why don't we move on to social studies? 331 00:14:03,667 --> 00:14:06,733 How many studies do we think are social, hmm? 332 00:14:06,733 --> 00:14:08,200 - Who are you? 333 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:09,967 - Yeah, we miss Miss Feldman. 334 00:14:09,967 --> 00:14:11,267 - She's right here! 335 00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:13,933 It's me, Miss Feldman! 336 00:14:13,933 --> 00:14:16,767 [children exclaiming] Nothing about this is weird. 337 00:14:16,767 --> 00:14:20,300 Okay? Can we show Miss F some respect? 338 00:14:20,300 --> 00:14:26,433 And just go with it for one minute. 339 00:14:34,100 --> 00:14:37,067 Let's review something we all know. 340 00:14:37,067 --> 00:14:38,700 - Macho Man Randy Savage! 341 00:14:38,700 --> 00:14:40,067 all: Yeah! 342 00:14:40,067 --> 00:14:42,067 - Oh, yeah! 343 00:14:42,067 --> 00:14:45,800 [all cheering] 344 00:14:49,067 --> 00:14:53,900 - I just miss her so much. 345 00:14:53,900 --> 00:14:58,067 Maybe I should just give in to what she wants. 346 00:14:58,067 --> 00:15:00,433 But I can't. 347 00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:02,233 They'd never let me back at Rapture Camp 348 00:15:02,233 --> 00:15:07,167 and I'd miss Pastor Ted's Annual Banana Swallowing Contest. 349 00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:10,600 [sighs] 350 00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:12,167 Without Chelsea, 351 00:15:12,167 --> 00:15:13,700 who's going to ask me for money 352 00:15:13,700 --> 00:15:16,467 and let me be their sober driver? 353 00:15:16,467 --> 00:15:19,400 - [snores] 354 00:15:20,367 --> 00:15:22,800 - You're right. 355 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:25,500 I have to make a choice. 356 00:15:26,933 --> 00:15:28,667 Thanks, Joaquin. 357 00:15:31,133 --> 00:15:35,200 - I don't get paid enough to deal with these crazy bitches. 358 00:15:36,967 --> 00:15:39,700 - Hey, Cecilia, do you have my label-maker because-- 359 00:15:39,700 --> 00:15:41,067 Hey! 360 00:15:41,067 --> 00:15:42,867 You got "The System." 361 00:15:42,867 --> 00:15:44,067 You did the right thing. 362 00:15:44,067 --> 00:15:45,700 Now we can both benefit from it. 363 00:15:45,700 --> 00:15:47,233 - Unless one of us is better at it. 364 00:15:47,233 --> 00:15:48,700 - [inhales sharply] What do you mean? 365 00:15:48,700 --> 00:15:50,767 - If the two of us have conflicting desires, 366 00:15:50,767 --> 00:15:53,100 only one of us can get what they want. 367 00:15:54,233 --> 00:15:56,667 - Oh, no. 368 00:15:56,667 --> 00:15:58,100 - Caroline... 369 00:15:58,100 --> 00:16:00,300 I want you to stop using the System. 370 00:16:00,300 --> 00:16:01,800 If the System works as you say, 371 00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:03,900 then, because I willed it, it should happen. 372 00:16:03,900 --> 00:16:05,200 - But-- 373 00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:08,133 - I demand you stop using the System. 374 00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:10,867 - But I don't want to stop using the System. 375 00:16:10,867 --> 00:16:14,967 - Yes, but I do want you to stop. 376 00:16:14,967 --> 00:16:17,967 [dramatic music] 377 00:16:17,967 --> 00:16:25,333 * 378 00:16:25,333 --> 00:16:26,733 - Okay! [gasping] 379 00:16:26,733 --> 00:16:28,267 Okay! 380 00:16:28,267 --> 00:16:31,600 I can't fight you. 381 00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:33,467 The System is stronger in you. 382 00:16:33,467 --> 00:16:35,567 [Asian pipe music] 383 00:16:35,567 --> 00:16:38,600 But now you have to admit that the System works. 384 00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:40,933 - I would have to admit that... 385 00:16:40,933 --> 00:16:44,600 if I actually read the book! 386 00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:47,167 - [gasps] 387 00:16:47,167 --> 00:16:49,733 [dramatic chords] 388 00:16:49,733 --> 00:16:52,633 You've taken everything from me. 389 00:17:00,467 --> 00:17:03,067 - I need to talk to you. 390 00:17:03,067 --> 00:17:05,067 I know I seemed crazy earlier, 391 00:17:05,067 --> 00:17:06,667 but that's only because the other teachers 392 00:17:06,667 --> 00:17:09,233 talked me into not teaching my normal crazy way. 393 00:17:09,233 --> 00:17:12,500 I don't know how to act normal, so it seemed crazy. 394 00:17:12,500 --> 00:17:17,067 And now this seems crazy, Goddammit. 395 00:17:17,067 --> 00:17:19,533 Look, I'm a really good teacher. 396 00:17:19,533 --> 00:17:21,167 You should see me teach multiplication 397 00:17:21,167 --> 00:17:24,200 using Lionel Richie's "Three Times a Lady." 398 00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:25,967 It's like Dead Poets Society. 399 00:17:25,967 --> 00:17:29,300 - Just stop talking. You're a trainwreck. 400 00:17:29,300 --> 00:17:31,467 I looked at your health questionnaire 401 00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:33,733 and it says you've taken Ecstasy. 402 00:17:38,700 --> 00:17:40,267 - Hey, wait up. We need to talk. 403 00:17:40,267 --> 00:17:42,167 [suspenseful music] 404 00:17:42,167 --> 00:17:45,533 I realized how important you are to me. 405 00:17:45,533 --> 00:17:46,500 Stop! 406 00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:47,767 - [hyperventilating] 407 00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:49,233 - I need you! 408 00:17:49,233 --> 00:17:50,500 I love you! 409 00:17:50,500 --> 00:17:51,567 - [whimpering] 410 00:17:51,567 --> 00:17:53,833 No, get away from me! 411 00:17:53,833 --> 00:17:56,733 - Mary Louise, you are acting crazy! 412 00:17:56,733 --> 00:17:57,800 - [grunting] 413 00:17:57,800 --> 00:17:59,633 - Tell me what I did please! 414 00:17:59,633 --> 00:18:02,600 - [hyperventilating] - Please. 415 00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:05,167 * Cheeky, cheeky chipmunk 416 00:18:05,167 --> 00:18:07,200 - * Cheeky, cheeky chipmunk 417 00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:08,433 Chelsea... 418 00:18:08,433 --> 00:18:10,200 - * I'm a fool for you * 419 00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:11,600 * Fool for you 420 00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:13,367 * Yeah, you toss me round 421 00:18:13,367 --> 00:18:14,800 * And I just come back 422 00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:17,067 * 'cause it seems it's true * 423 00:18:21,133 --> 00:18:22,467 - Oh-- 424 00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:24,400 What are you doing? 425 00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:26,067 - [whimpers] 426 00:18:26,067 --> 00:18:28,533 - Dude... 427 00:18:35,533 --> 00:18:38,167 - Oh, my God, you took off your panthose? 428 00:18:38,167 --> 00:18:39,767 I can't believe you didn't get fired. 429 00:18:39,767 --> 00:18:42,500 - He passed me in exchange for some Ecstasy. 430 00:18:42,500 --> 00:18:43,900 But that's not all. 431 00:18:43,900 --> 00:18:47,700 Guess who's going to Burning Man with Dr. Hazel? 432 00:18:53,100 --> 00:18:54,700 - Oh, my God, again? 433 00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:56,433 Seriously, what are you doing? 434 00:18:56,433 --> 00:18:57,833 - If you don't want this, 435 00:18:57,833 --> 00:18:59,733 then why did you kiss me at Fitzpatrick's? 436 00:18:59,733 --> 00:19:02,967 - What? I kissed everybody that night. 437 00:19:02,967 --> 00:19:04,067 - Yeah. - She got me. 438 00:19:04,067 --> 00:19:06,967 - She did. - I got tongue. 439 00:19:06,967 --> 00:19:10,233 - You kissed everybody that night? 440 00:19:10,233 --> 00:19:11,967 - Yeah. I was drunk. 441 00:19:18,067 --> 00:19:19,167 [gasps] 442 00:19:28,633 --> 00:19:30,667 - How does that feel? 443 00:19:30,667 --> 00:19:33,533 You floozy. 444 00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:37,200 - The System works. 445 00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:39,133 [Asian pipe music] 446 00:19:42,233 --> 00:19:45,233 [rock music] 447 00:19:45,233 --> 00:19:53,233 * 448 00:19:53,233 --> 00:19:56,300 - * Tear it down 449 00:19:56,300 --> 00:19:57,733 * Tear it down 450 00:19:57,733 --> 00:19:59,067 * 451 00:19:59,067 --> 00:20:04,133 * Tear it down Tear it down * 452 00:20:05,233 --> 00:20:08,133 - Oh, yeah. 31650

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