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1
00:00:06,833 --> 00:00:09,767
[rock music]
2
00:00:09,767 --> 00:00:11,800
- * Tear it down
3
00:00:16,500 --> 00:00:18,567
- You know there's no music,
right?
4
00:00:18,567 --> 00:00:21,367
- Don't need it.
I am celebrating.
5
00:00:21,367 --> 00:00:24,633
That bitch, Alyssa F.,
got transferred out of my class.
6
00:00:24,633 --> 00:00:26,167
[laughs]
- Whoo!
7
00:00:26,167 --> 00:00:27,900
- Bye-bye!
[laughs]
8
00:00:27,900 --> 00:00:29,600
- Alyssa
with the leg braces?
9
00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:32,600
- Look, I know it sounds rough,
but everyone telling her
10
00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:35,433
"you can do anything" gave her
a serious attitude problem.
11
00:00:35,433 --> 00:00:39,633
- Whoo!
We're so drunk.
12
00:00:39,633 --> 00:00:43,367
[both laughing]
13
00:00:44,267 --> 00:00:45,833
- Why are we
watching this?
14
00:00:45,833 --> 00:00:48,167
- Because it's sad.
- Because it's hilarious.
15
00:00:48,167 --> 00:00:50,167
- Watch my purse.
16
00:00:50,167 --> 00:00:53,600
Gotta drop some diamonds
in the vault.
17
00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:55,067
Be still, my babies.
18
00:00:55,067 --> 00:00:57,933
- Whoopsie, girlie-o.
[laughs] This way.
19
00:00:57,933 --> 00:01:00,200
We're having fun.
[laughs]
20
00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:01,900
- You guys,
I have to tell you
21
00:01:01,900 --> 00:01:05,567
about the most amazing book
I'm reading,
22
00:01:05,567 --> 00:01:08,700
"The System"
by Dr. Daffodil Shalomar.
23
00:01:08,700 --> 00:01:10,233
- What's The System?
24
00:01:10,233 --> 00:01:13,333
The System is all about
the power of positive thinking.
25
00:01:13,333 --> 00:01:14,800
It says that
if you want something,
26
00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:17,433
you just demand it
and it'll happen.
27
00:01:17,433 --> 00:01:18,733
- You know that's
bullshit, right?
28
00:01:18,733 --> 00:01:20,700
- Oh, really?
Because last night,
29
00:01:20,700 --> 00:01:23,167
I demanded more order
in my life, and this morning,
30
00:01:23,167 --> 00:01:26,200
The Container Store
sent me this coupon.
31
00:01:27,233 --> 00:01:29,600
The System works.
32
00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:31,667
- Uh-ohh. No, no, this way.
Okay, here we go.
33
00:01:31,667 --> 00:01:34,167
- Oh, get your roots done.
You make me sick!
34
00:01:34,167 --> 00:01:36,367
- Oh, we're making fun
of people,
35
00:01:36,367 --> 00:01:38,767
which means
we're having fun.
36
00:01:38,767 --> 00:01:40,233
- I feel fat.
37
00:01:40,233 --> 00:01:42,233
- No.
- Yeah.
38
00:01:42,233 --> 00:01:44,433
- Chelsea, you look like
a supermodel.
39
00:01:44,433 --> 00:01:46,400
You're practically
anorexic.
40
00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:48,833
- Oh.
Thank you.
41
00:01:48,833 --> 00:01:53,667
Oh, what would I do without you
constantly complimenting me?
42
00:01:53,667 --> 00:01:55,600
Okay, I have to get
out of this jumper.
43
00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:58,167
I feel like a Chilean miner
in here.
44
00:01:58,167 --> 00:02:00,500
Thanks, bitch.
I just love ya.
45
00:02:02,533 --> 00:02:04,433
- * One crush
Before we knew it *
46
00:02:04,433 --> 00:02:06,667
* We were deep in love
47
00:02:08,300 --> 00:02:09,900
- Hey, don't forget,
this is the last week
48
00:02:09,900 --> 00:02:12,100
you can get your physical if
you want insurance to cover it.
49
00:02:12,100 --> 00:02:14,233
- Why do we have to answer
all those personal questions?
50
00:02:14,233 --> 00:02:16,100
- Had mine this morning.
Gotta say,
51
00:02:16,100 --> 00:02:20,367
not as much fun as when
the breast exam van comes by.
52
00:02:21,467 --> 00:02:23,500
- There's no
breast exam van.
53
00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:26,367
- Oh, shit.
54
00:02:28,233 --> 00:02:30,333
- I demand water!
55
00:02:30,333 --> 00:02:31,400
[door opens]
56
00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:32,967
[Asian pipe music]
57
00:02:32,967 --> 00:02:34,367
[gasps]
58
00:02:35,767 --> 00:02:37,300
[whispering]
The System works.
59
00:02:37,300 --> 00:02:40,333
- No.
I set up a delivery yesterday.
60
00:02:40,333 --> 00:02:42,800
- Or did I set it up
with my mind?
61
00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:44,300
- I cannot believe
you're buying into
62
00:02:44,300 --> 00:02:46,367
this commercialized
spirituality.
63
00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:48,300
That book comes
with a T-shirt.
64
00:02:48,300 --> 00:02:49,733
- Jodi Sweetin
swears by it.
65
00:02:49,733 --> 00:02:51,600
It's what finally
got her off meth.
66
00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:53,667
- Does The System work for
things you don't want to happen?
67
00:02:53,667 --> 00:02:56,667
- Hey, girl.
Fun night last night.
68
00:02:56,667 --> 00:02:58,333
Here, take
some of this lotion.
69
00:02:58,333 --> 00:03:00,900
I feel like I just gave
11 hand jobs.
70
00:03:02,067 --> 00:03:05,067
[sweet music]
71
00:03:05,067 --> 00:03:06,067
*
72
00:03:06,067 --> 00:03:08,533
I just love ya.
73
00:03:08,533 --> 00:03:11,433
- * Two kids, one crush
74
00:03:11,433 --> 00:03:14,533
* Before we knew it
we were deep in love *
75
00:03:15,933 --> 00:03:18,300
- Stop it!
76
00:03:18,300 --> 00:03:19,867
I have to go
teach a class.
77
00:03:22,067 --> 00:03:25,900
- So nobody's been in a van
that gives breast exams?
78
00:03:27,433 --> 00:03:31,167
All right class, the first step
of the scientific method
79
00:03:31,167 --> 00:03:36,767
is to ask a question.
Today's question is...
80
00:03:36,767 --> 00:03:38,833
what happened
to Seal's face?
81
00:03:40,233 --> 00:03:42,967
Brad?
82
00:03:42,967 --> 00:03:44,567
- He got burned by oil.
83
00:03:44,567 --> 00:03:46,600
- What a great detail.
Great critical thinking.
84
00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:48,367
Good job.
Yeah, sweetie?
85
00:03:48,367 --> 00:03:49,933
- Maybe he got scratched
by a tiger.
86
00:03:49,933 --> 00:03:52,067
- Mm-hmm, yeah,
that's a real possibility too.
87
00:03:52,067 --> 00:03:53,300
Polly?
88
00:03:53,300 --> 00:03:54,867
- I think he's allergic
to seals.
89
00:03:54,867 --> 00:03:58,267
- Wow, guys.
Is Seal allergic to seals?
90
00:03:58,267 --> 00:04:00,933
Or is he allergic
to himself?
91
00:04:00,933 --> 00:04:02,067
A bit too much?
92
00:04:02,067 --> 00:04:04,367
- Ms. Feldman?
I need to see you
93
00:04:04,367 --> 00:04:07,167
in my office, now.
94
00:04:07,167 --> 00:04:09,767
all: Ooh!
95
00:04:09,767 --> 00:04:11,567
- [mocking] Ooh!
96
00:04:11,567 --> 00:04:13,700
I love you guys.
[chuckles]
97
00:04:14,833 --> 00:04:16,433
- All right, everyone,
hand in
98
00:04:16,433 --> 00:04:19,367
your pen pal letters
for the elderly.
99
00:04:22,467 --> 00:04:24,400
- Hey, give it back!
I need it.
100
00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:26,533
- Avery? Maria?
- No, I want--I want it!
101
00:04:26,533 --> 00:04:28,167
What's going on
back here?
102
00:04:28,167 --> 00:04:30,067
- She's touching
my crayons.
103
00:04:30,067 --> 00:04:33,200
- Avery, are you touching
Maria's crayons?
104
00:04:33,200 --> 00:04:35,067
- Yeah, I want a crayon.
105
00:04:35,067 --> 00:04:36,800
- If you want to touch
someone's crayons,
106
00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:38,533
you should find someone
who's okay
107
00:04:38,533 --> 00:04:41,067
with having
their crayons touched.
108
00:04:41,067 --> 00:04:43,267
- But I thought we were
supposed to share.
109
00:04:43,267 --> 00:04:45,633
- No!
No more sharing!
110
00:04:45,633 --> 00:04:48,333
It sends
a very confusing message.
111
00:04:48,333 --> 00:04:49,933
- She's my friend.
112
00:04:49,933 --> 00:04:51,500
- I don't care.
113
00:04:51,500 --> 00:04:55,367
Avery, you want more from Maria
than Maria is willing to give.
114
00:04:55,367 --> 00:04:58,667
Maria, I think you should stop
being Avery's friend.
115
00:04:58,667 --> 00:05:00,333
- It's not that big
of a deal.
116
00:05:00,333 --> 00:05:01,933
- It's the biggest deal ever!
117
00:05:01,933 --> 00:05:04,367
You can't just touch
your best friend's crayons
118
00:05:04,367 --> 00:05:06,933
and expect everything
to be okay!
119
00:05:09,533 --> 00:05:13,533
- Ms. Feldman, you know
that health history form
120
00:05:13,533 --> 00:05:16,633
you filled out during
your annual physical?
121
00:05:16,633 --> 00:05:19,967
Did you mean to check
every box yes?
122
00:05:19,967 --> 00:05:21,333
- Yes.
123
00:05:21,333 --> 00:05:23,067
- Why would you do that?
124
00:05:23,067 --> 00:05:26,167
You can't have every condition
on that form.
125
00:05:26,167 --> 00:05:27,967
- I do.
126
00:05:29,667 --> 00:05:31,667
- You take drugs?
- Mm-hmm.
127
00:05:31,667 --> 00:05:34,300
- You never exercise?
- No.
128
00:05:34,300 --> 00:05:36,567
- Often have feelings
of paranoia?
129
00:05:36,567 --> 00:05:38,733
None of us could believe
you checked that one.
130
00:05:38,733 --> 00:05:42,500
- Oh, it's stuff like that
that makes me paranoid.
131
00:05:44,067 --> 00:05:47,967
- And you frequently experience
emotional instability,
132
00:05:47,967 --> 00:05:51,267
hallucinations,
delusions of grandeur?
133
00:05:51,267 --> 00:05:54,067
- On my period, yes!
134
00:05:55,667 --> 00:05:59,867
- Why did you check
that you have suicidal thoughts?
135
00:05:59,867 --> 00:06:03,600
- Because I have a lot
of opinions about suicide.
136
00:06:07,233 --> 00:06:10,967
Oh! Now that I'm hearing
that question aloud--
137
00:06:10,967 --> 00:06:14,300
- Well, thanks to your answers,
the school district is sending
138
00:06:14,300 --> 00:06:17,933
a psychologist to evaluate
your classroom performance.
139
00:06:17,933 --> 00:06:20,233
- Oh, I do not think
that is necessary.
140
00:06:20,233 --> 00:06:21,633
- The district does.
141
00:06:21,633 --> 00:06:24,267
Your answers were
very disturbing.
142
00:06:24,267 --> 00:06:26,767
Very disturbing!
143
00:06:26,767 --> 00:06:28,300
We're done here.
144
00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:30,433
- Oh.
145
00:06:34,500 --> 00:06:36,700
For the record,
suicidal opinions
146
00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:39,767
are a lot different
than suicidal thoughts.
147
00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:42,467
For sure.
Thank you.
148
00:06:45,833 --> 00:06:49,167
- Hey, girl.
You smell good.
149
00:06:49,167 --> 00:06:52,067
Oh, that's right,
it's my lotion.
150
00:06:52,067 --> 00:06:54,267
You and I are eating lunch
on the playground today.
151
00:06:54,267 --> 00:06:55,467
There is this
hot homeless guy
152
00:06:55,467 --> 00:06:56,833
wandering around
the neighborhood.
153
00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:58,667
He looks just like
Joaquin Phoenix.
154
00:06:58,667 --> 00:07:01,333
Oh, my God, maybe it is
Joaquin Phoenix.
155
00:07:01,333 --> 00:07:02,467
- I can't.
156
00:07:02,467 --> 00:07:04,267
- Why not?
- I ...have to go
157
00:07:04,267 --> 00:07:06,867
build a wood shack
and make Ranch dip.
158
00:07:06,867 --> 00:07:09,200
- What?
- I like you as a friend,
159
00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:12,600
but we're not exclusive
lunch buddies.
160
00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:17,100
- All right, whatever.
Bye, Felicia.
161
00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:22,133
- * Tear it down
162
00:07:22,133 --> 00:07:24,867
- Hey girl, you missed
some goodies at lunch today.
163
00:07:24,867 --> 00:07:26,767
I was ears deep
in a hot muffin.
164
00:07:26,767 --> 00:07:29,133
- [gasps]
165
00:07:29,133 --> 00:07:30,433
- [scoffs]
166
00:07:30,433 --> 00:07:32,933
Is it just me or is Bennigan
acting weird lately?
167
00:07:32,933 --> 00:07:35,767
- No, I just had lunch with her
and she seemed fine.
168
00:07:35,767 --> 00:07:39,200
Oh, dang!
Let me ask you this.
169
00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:42,433
If you had neighbors next door
that were loud,
170
00:07:42,433 --> 00:07:44,767
you'd call that hearing voices,
wouldn't you?
171
00:07:44,767 --> 00:07:46,833
- Wait,
you had lunch with her?
172
00:07:48,067 --> 00:07:49,500
Whatever.
173
00:07:49,500 --> 00:07:51,900
I didn't even want to have lunch
with her today anyway.
174
00:07:51,900 --> 00:07:53,800
Did you know that she posts
YouTube videos
175
00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:56,300
on how to fold a fitted sheet?
Weird, right?
176
00:07:56,300 --> 00:07:57,800
- [gasps]
You're still here?
177
00:07:58,833 --> 00:08:00,233
- What the heck?
178
00:08:00,233 --> 00:08:02,133
- Did you two have a fight
or something?
179
00:08:02,133 --> 00:08:04,533
- We're, like, not even close
enough friends to have a fight.
180
00:08:04,533 --> 00:08:07,100
Besides, I have tons of friends.
Too many friends.
181
00:08:07,100 --> 00:08:08,867
In fact, last year
during spring cleaning,
182
00:08:08,867 --> 00:08:10,267
I got rid of some friends.
183
00:08:11,367 --> 00:08:14,300
Get out of my face!
184
00:08:15,833 --> 00:08:17,067
- What are you doing?
185
00:08:17,067 --> 00:08:18,400
- I'm making
a vision board.
186
00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:20,600
The System says it'll
complement my demands
187
00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:21,933
and help me achieve
my goals.
188
00:08:21,933 --> 00:08:24,067
- Oh.
Is that an infinity pool?
189
00:08:24,067 --> 00:08:26,200
- Yes,
and a husband with a boat,
190
00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:28,833
a private orchard,
and a bathroom with a telephone.
191
00:08:28,833 --> 00:08:31,967
- You do know you make
$37,000 a year, right?
192
00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:36,600
- I don't like your attitude.
I demand that you leave.
193
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:38,600
[Asian pipe music]
194
00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:41,533
- Just so you know, I'm leaving
because I can't stand to be
195
00:08:41,533 --> 00:08:45,767
around this idiocy anymore,
not because you willed it.
196
00:08:45,767 --> 00:08:47,400
- The System works.
197
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:50,333
[Asian pipe music]
198
00:08:52,533 --> 00:08:54,733
- Ugh, I look heinous.
199
00:08:54,733 --> 00:08:56,267
I can feel my heartbeat
through this pimple.
200
00:08:56,267 --> 00:08:58,200
- Ugh.
Yeah, when that thing blows,
201
00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:01,167
it's gonna be like
Pompeii in here.
202
00:09:01,167 --> 00:09:02,700
- Okay, I'm clearly
not doing well,
203
00:09:02,700 --> 00:09:04,900
so the polite thing to do when
someone criticizes themselves
204
00:09:04,900 --> 00:09:06,433
is to compliment them.
205
00:09:06,433 --> 00:09:09,533
- Sorry, Chelsea,
I'm not gonna "Bennigan" you.
206
00:09:09,533 --> 00:09:11,867
- Oh.
207
00:09:13,167 --> 00:09:15,233
- How am I supposed to feel good
about myself?
208
00:09:15,233 --> 00:09:17,500
[groans]
209
00:09:17,500 --> 00:09:20,400
- [sobs]
210
00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:23,400
I was going to the bathroom
and suddenly,
211
00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:25,533
for no reason,
I couldn't breathe.
212
00:09:25,533 --> 00:09:26,633
- Mm-hmm.
213
00:09:26,633 --> 00:09:29,100
- Okay, there was
a reason.
214
00:09:29,100 --> 00:09:31,067
And since we have
nurse-patient confidentiality,
215
00:09:31,067 --> 00:09:34,267
I guess I can tell you.
216
00:09:34,267 --> 00:09:36,333
My best friend Chelsea's
suffering
217
00:09:36,333 --> 00:09:38,767
because she's
in love with me.
218
00:09:38,767 --> 00:09:40,933
- Mm-hmm.
219
00:09:40,933 --> 00:09:44,133
[romantic music]
220
00:09:44,133 --> 00:09:46,233
*
221
00:09:46,233 --> 00:09:48,267
- We're so beautiful.
222
00:09:48,267 --> 00:09:53,267
*
223
00:09:53,267 --> 00:09:54,500
- [gasps]
224
00:09:54,500 --> 00:09:56,500
But I can't help her.
225
00:09:56,500 --> 00:09:57,700
You have to understand,
226
00:09:57,700 --> 00:09:59,067
I never knew she felt
this way about me.
227
00:09:59,067 --> 00:10:00,833
- Mm-hmm.
- Seriously.
228
00:10:00,833 --> 00:10:02,100
She sleeps with
hundreds of men
229
00:10:02,100 --> 00:10:03,767
and practically lives
at the Ramada.
230
00:10:03,767 --> 00:10:05,833
How was I to know?
- Mm-hmm.
231
00:10:05,833 --> 00:10:07,567
- I can't be her girlfriend.
232
00:10:07,567 --> 00:10:10,167
I mean, when my friend Josiah
was caught
233
00:10:10,167 --> 00:10:11,800
kissing boys at Rapture Camp,
234
00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:15,200
they sent him to North Dakota
so he could stop being gay.
235
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:16,933
I don't want to go to
North Dakota!
236
00:10:16,933 --> 00:10:18,300
- Mm-hmm.
237
00:10:18,300 --> 00:10:19,867
- You're right.
238
00:10:19,867 --> 00:10:22,800
I have to cut her
out of my life.
239
00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:25,400
Thank you.
240
00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:26,367
[door squeaking]
241
00:10:26,367 --> 00:10:27,733
- I don't get paid enough
242
00:10:27,733 --> 00:10:30,300
to deal with
these crazy bitches.
243
00:10:34,033 --> 00:10:35,900
- Are you nervous
about the evaluation?
244
00:10:35,900 --> 00:10:37,533
- Nah, when they come
to my classroom,
245
00:10:37,533 --> 00:10:41,333
I'll just put on that video
where monkeys teach fractions.
246
00:10:41,333 --> 00:10:42,933
[chuckles]
It's hilarious.
247
00:10:42,933 --> 00:10:45,067
- Feldman, this is
really serious.
248
00:10:45,067 --> 00:10:46,467
If they find you
mentally unstable,
249
00:10:46,467 --> 00:10:48,067
they can take away
your teaching license.
250
00:10:48,067 --> 00:10:49,433
- It's okay.
251
00:10:49,433 --> 00:10:51,867
You just have to act
like a normal teacher.
252
00:10:51,867 --> 00:10:54,600
- Oh, crap.
253
00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:57,167
- And that was how I realized
Houses for Humans
254
00:10:57,167 --> 00:10:58,900
was corporatizing
their donations.
255
00:10:58,900 --> 00:11:01,067
- I'm sorry.
I'm confused.
256
00:11:01,067 --> 00:11:03,767
What does this story
have to do with me?
257
00:11:03,767 --> 00:11:04,967
Have you talked
to Bennigan?
258
00:11:04,967 --> 00:11:06,867
- What is going on
with you two?
259
00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:09,233
- I don't know.
She's avoiding me.
260
00:11:09,233 --> 00:11:11,900
It sucks not having my little
Christian with me all day.
261
00:11:11,900 --> 00:11:13,100
I miss our talks
about "Teen Mom"
262
00:11:13,100 --> 00:11:14,267
where we guess
which one will be
263
00:11:14,267 --> 00:11:15,967
the first to get
their kid taken away.
264
00:11:15,967 --> 00:11:19,167
But I, like, don't really
miss her or anything.
265
00:11:19,167 --> 00:11:21,167
- Of course you do.
She's your best friend.
266
00:11:21,167 --> 00:11:23,100
- She is not my best friend.
267
00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:25,500
- Yeah, she is.
- No, she's not.
268
00:11:25,500 --> 00:11:27,300
She's my co-worker.
269
00:11:27,300 --> 00:11:29,467
We just make our mid-afternoon
French presses together.
270
00:11:29,467 --> 00:11:32,300
And we make fun of Rhonda
the gym teacher and her FUPA,
271
00:11:32,300 --> 00:11:34,100
and one time when I had
my wisdom teeth taken out,
272
00:11:34,100 --> 00:11:35,633
and my cheeks blew up
like a chipmunk,
273
00:11:35,633 --> 00:11:37,400
she shoved food in her cheeks
so she looked like a chipmunk,
274
00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:38,933
and we created
these characters called
275
00:11:38,933 --> 00:11:40,200
* Cheeky, cheeky chipmunk--
276
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:43,733
Oh, my God,
she's my best friend.
277
00:11:43,733 --> 00:11:46,067
Mary Louise!
278
00:11:46,067 --> 00:11:48,900
* Cheeky, cheeky chipmunk
279
00:11:48,900 --> 00:11:51,067
- I'm not a chipmunk.
280
00:11:51,067 --> 00:11:54,200
I'm a woman.
281
00:11:59,733 --> 00:12:02,567
- * Tear it down
282
00:12:02,567 --> 00:12:04,067
* Tear it down
283
00:12:04,067 --> 00:12:06,533
- I've never seen you
here before 7:30.
284
00:12:06,533 --> 00:12:09,067
Did your date have
an early checkout at the Ramada?
285
00:12:09,067 --> 00:12:11,467
- No.
I'm waiting for Mary Louise.
286
00:12:11,467 --> 00:12:12,600
- Huh.
287
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:14,833
Look who's become
the bottom bitch.
288
00:12:14,833 --> 00:12:16,967
- [gasps]
289
00:12:16,967 --> 00:12:18,467
- [strained gasp]
290
00:12:18,467 --> 00:12:20,233
- Wait, Mary Louise!
291
00:12:20,233 --> 00:12:21,567
I don't know what happened
between us,
292
00:12:21,567 --> 00:12:24,067
but I am sorry if
I did something wrong.
293
00:12:24,067 --> 00:12:25,333
I got you this bracelet
to show you
294
00:12:25,333 --> 00:12:26,933
how much I appreciate
our friendship.
295
00:12:26,933 --> 00:12:29,167
Look, "What Would Jesus Do?"
296
00:12:29,167 --> 00:12:32,367
[tense rock music]
297
00:12:32,367 --> 00:12:38,067
*
298
00:12:38,067 --> 00:12:40,600
What would Jesus do?
299
00:12:41,667 --> 00:12:43,333
- He would not do this!
300
00:12:43,333 --> 00:12:45,167
- [gasps]
301
00:12:45,167 --> 00:12:46,567
What is going on?
302
00:12:46,567 --> 00:12:47,700
[bell ringing]
303
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:50,700
[funk music]
304
00:12:50,700 --> 00:12:58,633
*
305
00:13:00,700 --> 00:13:02,833
- Hello, my wonderful class.
306
00:13:02,833 --> 00:13:06,067
Last night, I wondered
where all of you were,
307
00:13:06,067 --> 00:13:10,700
but then I remembered
you're not really my children.
308
00:13:12,467 --> 00:13:14,133
[clears throat]
309
00:13:14,133 --> 00:13:15,933
These pantyhose are itchy.
310
00:13:15,933 --> 00:13:19,367
...er than normal,
because I wear them every day.
311
00:13:19,367 --> 00:13:20,633
- Why are you dressed funny?
312
00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:21,767
You usually dress like
313
00:13:21,767 --> 00:13:23,467
my sad uncle
who yells at ghosts.
314
00:13:23,467 --> 00:13:25,067
- [laughs]
315
00:13:25,067 --> 00:13:27,567
Oh, I ain't afraid of no ghost.
316
00:13:29,267 --> 00:13:30,267
[glass breaking]
317
00:13:30,267 --> 00:13:31,967
[children gasping]
318
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:36,200
Gonna take the spectacles off.
319
00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:38,533
Okay,
my little learning lizards,
320
00:13:38,533 --> 00:13:40,933
why don't we pull out
our workbooks
321
00:13:40,933 --> 00:13:43,767
that we work on every day?
322
00:13:43,767 --> 00:13:47,700
Brad, can you, uh, tell me
the answer to
323
00:13:47,700 --> 00:13:50,500
number one on page 24?
324
00:13:50,500 --> 00:13:53,067
- No, you made us turn
our notebooks into origami.
325
00:13:53,067 --> 00:13:54,067
Remember?
326
00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:55,100
On that day that we did
327
00:13:55,100 --> 00:13:57,633
the "Karate Kid" marathon.
328
00:13:57,633 --> 00:13:59,733
- [laughs nervously]
329
00:13:59,733 --> 00:14:01,367
Forget the workbooks!
330
00:14:01,367 --> 00:14:03,667
Why don't we move on
to social studies?
331
00:14:03,667 --> 00:14:06,733
How many studies
do we think are social, hmm?
332
00:14:06,733 --> 00:14:08,200
- Who are you?
333
00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:09,967
- Yeah, we miss
Miss Feldman.
334
00:14:09,967 --> 00:14:11,267
- She's right here!
335
00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:13,933
It's me, Miss Feldman!
336
00:14:13,933 --> 00:14:16,767
[children exclaiming]
Nothing about this is weird.
337
00:14:16,767 --> 00:14:20,300
Okay?
Can we show Miss F some respect?
338
00:14:20,300 --> 00:14:26,433
And just go with it
for one minute.
339
00:14:34,100 --> 00:14:37,067
Let's review something
we all know.
340
00:14:37,067 --> 00:14:38,700
- Macho Man Randy Savage!
341
00:14:38,700 --> 00:14:40,067
all: Yeah!
342
00:14:40,067 --> 00:14:42,067
- Oh, yeah!
343
00:14:42,067 --> 00:14:45,800
[all cheering]
344
00:14:49,067 --> 00:14:53,900
- I just miss her so much.
345
00:14:53,900 --> 00:14:58,067
Maybe I should just give in
to what she wants.
346
00:14:58,067 --> 00:15:00,433
But I can't.
347
00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:02,233
They'd never let me back
at Rapture Camp
348
00:15:02,233 --> 00:15:07,167
and I'd miss Pastor Ted's Annual
Banana Swallowing Contest.
349
00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:10,600
[sighs]
350
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:12,167
Without Chelsea,
351
00:15:12,167 --> 00:15:13,700
who's going to ask me for money
352
00:15:13,700 --> 00:15:16,467
and let me be
their sober driver?
353
00:15:16,467 --> 00:15:19,400
- [snores]
354
00:15:20,367 --> 00:15:22,800
- You're right.
355
00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:25,500
I have to make a choice.
356
00:15:26,933 --> 00:15:28,667
Thanks, Joaquin.
357
00:15:31,133 --> 00:15:35,200
- I don't get paid enough to
deal with these crazy bitches.
358
00:15:36,967 --> 00:15:39,700
- Hey, Cecilia, do you have
my label-maker because--
359
00:15:39,700 --> 00:15:41,067
Hey!
360
00:15:41,067 --> 00:15:42,867
You got "The System."
361
00:15:42,867 --> 00:15:44,067
You did the right thing.
362
00:15:44,067 --> 00:15:45,700
Now we can both
benefit from it.
363
00:15:45,700 --> 00:15:47,233
- Unless one of us
is better at it.
364
00:15:47,233 --> 00:15:48,700
- [inhales sharply]
What do you mean?
365
00:15:48,700 --> 00:15:50,767
- If the two of us
have conflicting desires,
366
00:15:50,767 --> 00:15:53,100
only one of us can get
what they want.
367
00:15:54,233 --> 00:15:56,667
- Oh, no.
368
00:15:56,667 --> 00:15:58,100
- Caroline...
369
00:15:58,100 --> 00:16:00,300
I want you to stop using
the System.
370
00:16:00,300 --> 00:16:01,800
If the System works
as you say,
371
00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:03,900
then, because I willed it,
it should happen.
372
00:16:03,900 --> 00:16:05,200
- But--
373
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:08,133
- I demand you stop
using the System.
374
00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:10,867
- But I don't want to stop
using the System.
375
00:16:10,867 --> 00:16:14,967
- Yes, but I do
want you to stop.
376
00:16:14,967 --> 00:16:17,967
[dramatic music]
377
00:16:17,967 --> 00:16:25,333
*
378
00:16:25,333 --> 00:16:26,733
- Okay!
[gasping]
379
00:16:26,733 --> 00:16:28,267
Okay!
380
00:16:28,267 --> 00:16:31,600
I can't fight you.
381
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:33,467
The System is stronger in you.
382
00:16:33,467 --> 00:16:35,567
[Asian pipe music]
383
00:16:35,567 --> 00:16:38,600
But now you have to admit
that the System works.
384
00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:40,933
- I would have to admit that...
385
00:16:40,933 --> 00:16:44,600
if I actually read the book!
386
00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:47,167
- [gasps]
387
00:16:47,167 --> 00:16:49,733
[dramatic chords]
388
00:16:49,733 --> 00:16:52,633
You've taken everything from me.
389
00:17:00,467 --> 00:17:03,067
- I need to talk to you.
390
00:17:03,067 --> 00:17:05,067
I know I seemed crazy earlier,
391
00:17:05,067 --> 00:17:06,667
but that's only because
the other teachers
392
00:17:06,667 --> 00:17:09,233
talked me into not teaching
my normal crazy way.
393
00:17:09,233 --> 00:17:12,500
I don't know how to act normal,
so it seemed crazy.
394
00:17:12,500 --> 00:17:17,067
And now this seems crazy,
Goddammit.
395
00:17:17,067 --> 00:17:19,533
Look, I'm a really good teacher.
396
00:17:19,533 --> 00:17:21,167
You should see me teach
multiplication
397
00:17:21,167 --> 00:17:24,200
using Lionel Richie's
"Three Times a Lady."
398
00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:25,967
It's like Dead Poets Society.
399
00:17:25,967 --> 00:17:29,300
- Just stop talking.
You're a trainwreck.
400
00:17:29,300 --> 00:17:31,467
I looked at
your health questionnaire
401
00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:33,733
and it says
you've taken Ecstasy.
402
00:17:38,700 --> 00:17:40,267
- Hey, wait up.
We need to talk.
403
00:17:40,267 --> 00:17:42,167
[suspenseful music]
404
00:17:42,167 --> 00:17:45,533
I realized how important
you are to me.
405
00:17:45,533 --> 00:17:46,500
Stop!
406
00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:47,767
- [hyperventilating]
407
00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:49,233
- I need you!
408
00:17:49,233 --> 00:17:50,500
I love you!
409
00:17:50,500 --> 00:17:51,567
- [whimpering]
410
00:17:51,567 --> 00:17:53,833
No, get away from me!
411
00:17:53,833 --> 00:17:56,733
- Mary Louise,
you are acting crazy!
412
00:17:56,733 --> 00:17:57,800
- [grunting]
413
00:17:57,800 --> 00:17:59,633
- Tell me
what I did please!
414
00:17:59,633 --> 00:18:02,600
- [hyperventilating]
- Please.
415
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:05,167
* Cheeky, cheeky chipmunk
416
00:18:05,167 --> 00:18:07,200
- * Cheeky, cheeky chipmunk
417
00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:08,433
Chelsea...
418
00:18:08,433 --> 00:18:10,200
- * I'm a fool for you *
419
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:11,600
* Fool for you
420
00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:13,367
* Yeah, you toss me round
421
00:18:13,367 --> 00:18:14,800
* And I just come back
422
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:17,067
* 'cause it seems it's true *
423
00:18:21,133 --> 00:18:22,467
- Oh--
424
00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:24,400
What are you doing?
425
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:26,067
- [whimpers]
426
00:18:26,067 --> 00:18:28,533
- Dude...
427
00:18:35,533 --> 00:18:38,167
- Oh, my God,
you took off your panthose?
428
00:18:38,167 --> 00:18:39,767
I can't believe
you didn't get fired.
429
00:18:39,767 --> 00:18:42,500
- He passed me
in exchange for some Ecstasy.
430
00:18:42,500 --> 00:18:43,900
But that's not all.
431
00:18:43,900 --> 00:18:47,700
Guess who's going to Burning Man
with Dr. Hazel?
432
00:18:53,100 --> 00:18:54,700
- Oh, my God, again?
433
00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:56,433
Seriously, what are you doing?
434
00:18:56,433 --> 00:18:57,833
- If you don't want this,
435
00:18:57,833 --> 00:18:59,733
then why did you kiss me
at Fitzpatrick's?
436
00:18:59,733 --> 00:19:02,967
- What?
I kissed everybody that night.
437
00:19:02,967 --> 00:19:04,067
- Yeah.
- She got me.
438
00:19:04,067 --> 00:19:06,967
- She did.
- I got tongue.
439
00:19:06,967 --> 00:19:10,233
- You kissed everybody
that night?
440
00:19:10,233 --> 00:19:11,967
- Yeah.
I was drunk.
441
00:19:18,067 --> 00:19:19,167
[gasps]
442
00:19:28,633 --> 00:19:30,667
- How does that feel?
443
00:19:30,667 --> 00:19:33,533
You floozy.
444
00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:37,200
- The System works.
445
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:39,133
[Asian pipe music]
446
00:19:42,233 --> 00:19:45,233
[rock music]
447
00:19:45,233 --> 00:19:53,233
*
448
00:19:53,233 --> 00:19:56,300
- * Tear it down
449
00:19:56,300 --> 00:19:57,733
* Tear it down
450
00:19:57,733 --> 00:19:59,067
*
451
00:19:59,067 --> 00:20:04,133
* Tear it down
Tear it down *
452
00:20:05,233 --> 00:20:08,133
- Oh, yeah.
31650
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