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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,433 --> 00:00:09,933 [rock music] * Turn it down 2 00:00:10,033 --> 00:00:11,433 * Turn it down 3 00:00:11,533 --> 00:00:12,967 - * Mr. Beetle Boo, how do you do * 4 00:00:13,067 --> 00:00:14,433 * How do you do 5 00:00:14,533 --> 00:00:16,867 * Mr. Beetle Boo, how do you do * 6 00:00:16,967 --> 00:00:18,067 And he said, 7 00:00:18,167 --> 00:00:19,700 * I'm Mr. Beetle Boo 8 00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:21,567 * How do you do, how do you do * 9 00:00:21,667 --> 00:00:23,000 * I'm Mr. Beetle Boo 10 00:00:23,100 --> 00:00:24,300 * How do you do 11 00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:26,733 And they said-- 12 00:00:27,867 --> 00:00:29,000 It's your turn. 13 00:00:29,100 --> 00:00:31,400 - How about, "I'm dying inside?" 14 00:00:31,500 --> 00:00:34,267 - Deb, that is not the verse. 15 00:00:34,367 --> 00:00:36,367 You're supposed to say, 16 00:00:36,467 --> 00:00:38,233 * Mr. Beetle Boo, your bills are due * 17 00:00:38,333 --> 00:00:39,767 * Your bills are due 18 00:00:39,867 --> 00:00:42,100 * Mr. Beetle Boo, your bills are due * 19 00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:43,867 [laughs] 20 00:00:43,967 --> 00:00:45,567 - I can't take it anymore. - Take what? 21 00:00:45,667 --> 00:00:46,833 - My car broke down last week, 22 00:00:46,933 --> 00:00:49,067 and Caroline insisted, that we carpool. 23 00:00:49,167 --> 00:00:51,933 Did you know that she makes people take off their shoes 24 00:00:52,033 --> 00:00:53,167 before getting into her car? 25 00:00:53,267 --> 00:00:54,333 - She drives barefoot? 26 00:00:54,433 --> 00:00:57,433 - No, she has driving slippers. 27 00:00:57,533 --> 00:00:59,533 And she sings children's songs. 28 00:00:59,633 --> 00:01:02,700 It makes me want to drink antifreeze. 29 00:01:05,500 --> 00:01:09,067 - Ugh, God, why are there so many kids around? 30 00:01:09,100 --> 00:01:10,233 I need a gatorade, aspirin, 31 00:01:10,333 --> 00:01:11,400 and a Listerine Breath Strip. 32 00:01:11,500 --> 00:01:12,533 - Hey, that's the same 33 00:01:12,633 --> 00:01:14,400 coochie skirt you wore last night. 34 00:01:14,500 --> 00:01:15,767 Did you go home with someone? 35 00:01:15,867 --> 00:01:18,333 - No, and my sex life is none of your business. 36 00:01:18,433 --> 00:01:21,367 - You're the one who's always bragging about your conquests. 37 00:01:21,467 --> 00:01:23,500 - The midwest regional manager of Crepes Are Us. 38 00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:24,833 - The semi-pro hockey player. 39 00:01:24,933 --> 00:01:26,600 - The emcee at the aquarium whale show. 40 00:01:26,700 --> 00:01:29,167 - So many high-powered men fall in love with you 41 00:01:29,267 --> 00:01:30,200 for a night. 42 00:01:30,300 --> 00:01:32,633 - Stop attacking me! God! 43 00:01:32,733 --> 00:01:35,367 I cannot help it if I attract moguls and trendsetters. 44 00:01:36,633 --> 00:01:38,333 But I did not go home with anyone last night. 45 00:01:38,433 --> 00:01:41,600 - [scoffs] Uh, you texted me at the bar, 46 00:01:41,700 --> 00:01:44,500 "Peace out. Gotta go gargle some dong." 47 00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:46,400 Now, who'd you bang? 48 00:01:46,500 --> 00:01:47,633 - I've decided to become 49 00:01:47,733 --> 00:01:48,867 a very private person since then. 50 00:01:48,967 --> 00:01:50,567 And I actually think that we should be 51 00:01:50,667 --> 00:01:51,633 a little bit more sensitive 52 00:01:51,733 --> 00:01:52,867 about the information we share 53 00:01:52,967 --> 00:01:53,700 with each other. 54 00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:55,100 Now, if you will excuse me, 55 00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:56,467 I have to go get some Vaseline 56 00:01:56,567 --> 00:01:58,767 to pry off my self-stick titty cutlets. 57 00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:01,967 And I appear to have lost one. 58 00:02:02,067 --> 00:02:04,967 [rock music] 59 00:02:05,067 --> 00:02:07,900 * 60 00:02:08,067 --> 00:02:08,800 - Sweet cheeks! 61 00:02:08,900 --> 00:02:11,700 - [scoffs] Sam, not here. 62 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:14,767 - Ms. Snap, running late as usual. 63 00:02:14,867 --> 00:02:16,800 - Buzz off, Marty. - Hey! 64 00:02:16,900 --> 00:02:18,400 You can't talk to me like that. 65 00:02:18,500 --> 00:02:20,333 I'm the liaison to the principal. 66 00:02:20,433 --> 00:02:23,267 - You made that title up, and it's embarrassing. 67 00:02:23,367 --> 00:02:26,133 [rock music] 68 00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:29,967 - Hey, um, can you cover my class at noon today? 69 00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:31,967 - Yeah, what's up? - I'm taking a half-day 70 00:02:32,067 --> 00:02:34,733 to go to the LGBTQIA protest downtown. 71 00:02:34,833 --> 00:02:36,500 - I don't know what all those letters stand for, 72 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:38,500 but sure sounds fun. 73 00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:40,067 - It stands for: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, 74 00:02:40,167 --> 00:02:42,467 Transgender, Questioning, Intersex, and Asexual. 75 00:02:42,567 --> 00:02:45,067 - Oh, then I'll pray for you. 76 00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:50,367 - No, no, no. I have to have the car today. 77 00:02:50,467 --> 00:02:53,267 Do I really need brake pads? 78 00:02:53,367 --> 00:02:54,500 - Hey Debbie Doodle Dandy, 79 00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:55,933 I have to leave at 3:15. 80 00:02:56,067 --> 00:02:58,233 I have a bonsai trimming class at 4:00. 81 00:02:58,333 --> 00:03:00,200 [gasps] Oh, you know what? 82 00:03:00,300 --> 00:03:01,367 Why don't you come? 83 00:03:01,467 --> 00:03:02,767 It'll be so much fun. 84 00:03:02,867 --> 00:03:05,133 It's like you're a giant among tiny trees. 85 00:03:05,233 --> 00:03:07,467 Fee, fie, foe--green thumb! 86 00:03:07,567 --> 00:03:10,300 [laughs] I just thought of that. 87 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:12,467 - Get me my car by 3:15 today 88 00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:14,333 and I will let you sniff my panties. 89 00:03:14,433 --> 00:03:15,767 [man, indistinct] 90 00:03:15,867 --> 00:03:18,067 - Well, a lot of people are into that. 91 00:03:21,533 --> 00:03:23,500 - Hey girl, it's my prep. 92 00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:25,100 I'm heading to Wendy's. 93 00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:26,433 Wanna come? 94 00:03:26,533 --> 00:03:28,533 - Yeah, sure, I was not doing anything. 95 00:03:28,633 --> 00:03:30,233 - [giggles] 96 00:03:30,333 --> 00:03:32,433 Wow, your room's so clean. 97 00:03:32,533 --> 00:03:34,667 - Is it? I didn't notice. 98 00:03:34,767 --> 00:03:36,067 - Did someone power wash your windows? 99 00:03:36,167 --> 00:03:37,500 - I don't know what you are talking about-- 100 00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:39,267 - I'm just saying the janitor 101 00:03:39,367 --> 00:03:40,800 really went to town in here-- 102 00:03:40,900 --> 00:03:42,467 - Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! 103 00:03:42,567 --> 00:03:44,233 There is nothing going on around here. 104 00:03:46,267 --> 00:03:48,433 I'm sorry. 105 00:03:48,533 --> 00:03:49,900 Just a little "hangry." 106 00:03:56,267 --> 00:03:57,600 - Hey, everyone. 107 00:03:57,700 --> 00:04:00,300 I'll be taking over for Ms. Cannon today. 108 00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:03,700 She's off supporting the LG-- 109 00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:07,167 TCBY community. 110 00:04:07,267 --> 00:04:10,233 So, what is she teaching you all, right now. 111 00:04:10,333 --> 00:04:12,867 together: Science! - Neato. 112 00:04:12,967 --> 00:04:14,967 - We just learned how the world was created. 113 00:04:15,067 --> 00:04:18,567 - The Earth is 4.5 billion years old. 114 00:04:18,667 --> 00:04:21,767 - Well, that's what some people believe. 115 00:04:21,867 --> 00:04:23,800 - Some people? - Sure. 116 00:04:23,900 --> 00:04:25,300 There are many different theories, 117 00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:27,067 and that's a great one. 118 00:04:27,133 --> 00:04:31,933 So, let's talk about... lava. 119 00:04:32,067 --> 00:04:34,300 - Wait, what's another theory? 120 00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:38,367 - Well, at my church, 121 00:04:38,467 --> 00:04:42,067 we say the Earth is 6,000 years old. 122 00:04:42,133 --> 00:04:46,433 - So, animals evolved in 6,000 years? 123 00:04:46,533 --> 00:04:49,333 - If evolution was real, sure. 124 00:04:49,433 --> 00:04:51,233 - Wait, evolution isn't real? 125 00:04:51,333 --> 00:04:54,133 - It's a cool, kooky idea, 126 00:04:54,233 --> 00:04:56,067 but it's not what actually happened. 127 00:04:56,167 --> 00:04:57,833 - So, we don't need to know about 128 00:04:57,933 --> 00:05:01,933 Darwin or Neanderthals or natural selection? 129 00:05:02,067 --> 00:05:04,900 - Nope. Science is really simple 130 00:05:05,067 --> 00:05:08,567 when you realize it's all just God. 131 00:05:08,667 --> 00:05:12,067 - Cool. - The coolest. 132 00:05:17,133 --> 00:05:18,433 - Ew. 133 00:05:18,533 --> 00:05:22,067 - Yeah, Hunter Minsky's gotta learn how to hold it. 134 00:05:22,167 --> 00:05:24,933 - Sam, thank you for cleaning my classroom so well, 135 00:05:25,067 --> 00:05:27,133 but you can't give me extra attention like that. 136 00:05:27,233 --> 00:05:28,600 People are noticing. 137 00:05:28,700 --> 00:05:31,067 What happened last night has to stay between us. 138 00:05:35,233 --> 00:05:37,433 - You look really beautiful under these fluorescent lights. 139 00:05:37,533 --> 00:05:38,767 - I know. 140 00:05:38,867 --> 00:05:42,100 Listen, yes, you awoke my sexual beast last night 141 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,067 and yes, I have never allowed myself 142 00:05:44,100 --> 00:05:45,333 to let go like that before, but-- 143 00:05:45,433 --> 00:05:47,400 - Yeah, you broke a lot of shit at my place. 144 00:05:47,500 --> 00:05:50,067 - Oh, my God, when you took me on that foosball table 145 00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:52,733 with that little soccer man up my butt-- 146 00:05:54,533 --> 00:05:56,967 Why can't you respect my boundaries! 147 00:05:58,133 --> 00:05:59,833 I just want to keep this between us. 148 00:06:00,067 --> 00:06:02,867 - Why? - Because... 149 00:06:02,967 --> 00:06:05,867 this is a professional environment. 150 00:06:05,967 --> 00:06:08,067 We can't acknowledge each other on school grounds. 151 00:06:08,167 --> 00:06:09,067 - Oh, yeah? 152 00:06:09,167 --> 00:06:13,333 Not even a little shrimping. 153 00:06:13,433 --> 00:06:17,100 - Oh, there is always shrimp at this buffet. 154 00:06:22,533 --> 00:06:23,867 - Wow. 155 00:06:26,067 --> 00:06:28,067 - Uh, you're right, Sam. 156 00:06:28,100 --> 00:06:30,300 Hmm, this is definitely sheetrock. 157 00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:33,767 - Let's wait until Sam cleans the computer lab, Lucy. 158 00:06:33,867 --> 00:06:37,167 It's way too hot and dirty in here right now. 159 00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:43,267 - * Have you ever heard a mermaid sing * 160 00:06:43,367 --> 00:06:44,600 * You don't know what you're missin' * 161 00:06:44,700 --> 00:06:46,333 * Have you ever heard a mermaid sing * 162 00:06:46,433 --> 00:06:48,500 * Just go to the sea and listen * 163 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:51,267 * Cause a mermaid sings like this * 164 00:06:51,367 --> 00:06:54,067 * Bubba bubba glub glub, bubba bubba glub glub * 165 00:06:54,133 --> 00:06:56,100 They're underwater. 166 00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:59,133 * And that's how a mermaid sings * 167 00:06:59,233 --> 00:07:00,933 Ooh, stoplight. 168 00:07:01,067 --> 00:07:03,367 Gotta wet wipe the dashboard. 169 00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:05,533 - You know what, Caroline, 170 00:07:05,633 --> 00:07:07,167 I'm not gonna need a ride home tonight. 171 00:07:07,267 --> 00:07:08,733 - Don't be silly. 172 00:07:08,833 --> 00:07:10,633 Here, I'm gonna lint roll you before we get to school. 173 00:07:10,733 --> 00:07:11,800 - No! We're done. 174 00:07:11,900 --> 00:07:15,300 The cleaning, the singing, the driving slippers-- 175 00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:19,067 I keep praying for a head-on collision. 176 00:07:19,167 --> 00:07:20,800 No more rides! 177 00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:26,900 - [quietly] * Bubba bubba glub glub 178 00:07:27,067 --> 00:07:28,400 * Bubba bubba glub glub * 179 00:07:29,767 --> 00:07:31,233 - Thanks for covering my class yesterday. 180 00:07:31,333 --> 00:07:33,600 - No problem, they were angels. 181 00:07:33,700 --> 00:07:35,567 How was your protest? - Great. 182 00:07:35,667 --> 00:07:38,200 We're fighting for asexual domestic partners. 183 00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:40,067 Just because you're just friends 184 00:07:40,133 --> 00:07:41,533 doesn't mean you should be uninsured. 185 00:07:46,567 --> 00:07:49,500 - Hey, I just wanted to apologize 186 00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:50,867 for what you witnessed yesterday. 187 00:07:50,967 --> 00:07:52,300 - It's totally cool. 188 00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:54,067 I told Lucy you were just seeing who's taller. 189 00:07:54,100 --> 00:07:56,767 - [laughs] Please don't tell anybody about what you saw. 190 00:07:56,867 --> 00:08:00,133 - You dry humping the man who pulled a dead raccoon 191 00:08:00,233 --> 00:08:01,867 out of the ceiling with a rake? 192 00:08:01,967 --> 00:08:04,667 - Exactly. He is a janitor, 193 00:08:04,767 --> 00:08:07,933 and I have a reputation to uphold. 194 00:08:08,067 --> 00:08:10,633 But it was the best sex 195 00:08:10,733 --> 00:08:12,300 of my life. 196 00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:14,067 And I've had a lot of sex. 197 00:08:14,167 --> 00:08:15,067 But not in a slutty way. 198 00:08:15,167 --> 00:08:16,867 - Wow, Sam? 199 00:08:16,967 --> 00:08:19,533 - Normally, men treat me like a delicate flower. 200 00:08:19,633 --> 00:08:22,433 But he took me like a wild stag that had just 201 00:08:22,533 --> 00:08:24,600 gored the alpha male for the privilege. 202 00:08:24,700 --> 00:08:25,767 Oh, I loved it! 203 00:08:25,867 --> 00:08:26,933 - Holy balls. 204 00:08:27,067 --> 00:08:29,233 Yeah...but you have to keep this on the down low. 205 00:08:29,333 --> 00:08:30,700 - I won't say anything if you can get him 206 00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:33,433 to snag me a whole bunch of TP. 207 00:08:33,533 --> 00:08:35,567 Ever since they put locks on the dispensers, 208 00:08:35,667 --> 00:08:37,433 I've been stealing paper towels. 209 00:08:37,533 --> 00:08:39,533 It's tearing me up. 210 00:08:39,633 --> 00:08:41,233 - Deal. 211 00:08:48,967 --> 00:08:50,767 - Oh Mylanta, Chelsea. 212 00:08:50,867 --> 00:08:53,500 I can't believe you're canoodling with the janitor. 213 00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:55,133 - Very Downton Abbey. 214 00:08:55,233 --> 00:08:57,067 Except without the elegance or manners. 215 00:08:57,167 --> 00:08:58,467 - I'm proud of you 216 00:08:58,567 --> 00:09:00,800 for giving up your obsession with power and money. 217 00:09:00,900 --> 00:09:02,133 Before you know it, you'll be riding 218 00:09:02,233 --> 00:09:03,567 public transportation. 219 00:09:04,867 --> 00:09:06,167 - Feldman! 220 00:09:06,267 --> 00:09:08,133 - Sorry, dawg, it just came up 221 00:09:08,233 --> 00:09:10,433 in the natural flow of conversation. 222 00:09:10,533 --> 00:09:12,367 - Have you noticed how clean Chelsea's room is? 223 00:09:12,467 --> 00:09:15,067 - The floors aren't the only thing Sam polished. 224 00:09:15,133 --> 00:09:17,367 - Did you hear Principal Pearson had a fender bender 225 00:09:17,467 --> 00:09:18,667 in the parking lot? 226 00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:21,933 - Interesting that you bring up rear ending... 227 00:09:23,067 --> 00:09:24,267 - Hey, wanna go out to eat? 228 00:09:24,367 --> 00:09:25,967 - Speaking of eating out... 229 00:09:26,067 --> 00:09:27,933 - Ooh, an American goldfinch 230 00:09:28,067 --> 00:09:29,533 - Snap fucked Sam. 231 00:09:29,633 --> 00:09:33,500 So, I guess it's back to paper towels and chafing? 232 00:09:35,567 --> 00:09:36,767 - This is out of control. 233 00:09:36,867 --> 00:09:38,267 I've gotta end things with Sam 234 00:09:38,367 --> 00:09:39,667 before the whole school finds out. 235 00:09:39,767 --> 00:09:40,967 - Chelsea-- 236 00:09:43,133 --> 00:09:44,933 Maybe we shouldn't have said anything. 237 00:09:45,067 --> 00:09:46,767 We've all been with people we regret. 238 00:09:46,867 --> 00:09:48,833 - I slept with a manager of a Chick-fil-A. 239 00:09:48,933 --> 00:09:51,567 - I slept with a dude in an adult a cappella group. 240 00:09:51,667 --> 00:09:54,500 - I sharted at a Josh Groban concert. 241 00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:57,567 What? We're all just saying 242 00:09:57,667 --> 00:10:00,033 embarrassing things we did, right? 243 00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:00,067 embarrassing things we did, right? [rock music] 244 00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:02,933 [rock music] 245 00:10:03,033 --> 00:10:10,033 * 246 00:10:10,133 --> 00:10:13,533 - Hey guys, did Ms. Bennigan teach you science yesterday? 247 00:10:13,633 --> 00:10:15,700 - Yep. And she made it so easy. 248 00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:17,733 - What exactly did she teach you? 249 00:10:17,833 --> 00:10:19,300 - That evolution isn't real. 250 00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:20,833 - What? - And that science is something 251 00:10:20,933 --> 00:10:24,467 atheists cling to to justify their immoral lifestyle. 252 00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:28,233 - I left her a lesson plan right here. 253 00:10:28,333 --> 00:10:31,233 [choral music] 254 00:10:31,333 --> 00:10:33,067 What's going on? 255 00:10:33,167 --> 00:10:36,100 - We're praying for you. 256 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:38,333 together: Amen. 257 00:10:41,567 --> 00:10:45,567 - Oh, gross. Sam, I can't do this anymore. 258 00:10:45,667 --> 00:10:48,167 You're a janitor and I'm a well-respected educator. 259 00:10:48,267 --> 00:10:50,767 I give the other teachers something to aspire to. 260 00:10:50,867 --> 00:10:51,767 If they see me with you, 261 00:10:51,867 --> 00:10:53,333 what kind of message does that send? 262 00:10:53,433 --> 00:10:55,567 - That you have good taste in men. 263 00:10:55,667 --> 00:10:56,800 - No, I am not gonna be in a relationship with someone 264 00:10:56,900 --> 00:10:58,733 who cleans up vomit for a living. 265 00:10:58,833 --> 00:11:00,833 - So you don't want me to snake your drain anymore? 266 00:11:00,933 --> 00:11:04,067 - Oh, God damn it, why is that so hot? 267 00:11:05,900 --> 00:11:09,267 - Oh, you like that? - Oh, yeah, big mama likes! 268 00:11:09,367 --> 00:11:12,500 - What the holy hell is going on here? 269 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:15,233 - I was just teaching Sam to read. 270 00:11:15,333 --> 00:11:17,867 - Really? Is the book down your skirt? 271 00:11:26,233 --> 00:11:28,333 * Turn it down 272 00:11:28,433 --> 00:11:30,433 * Turn it down 273 00:11:31,633 --> 00:11:33,400 - Disinfect, please. 274 00:11:33,500 --> 00:11:36,167 I am disappointed in both of you-- 275 00:11:36,267 --> 00:11:38,433 Especially you, Sam. 276 00:11:38,533 --> 00:11:40,067 This is a professional environment, 277 00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:42,700 and relationships like this are not permitted. 278 00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:46,067 If this continues, I will be forced 279 00:11:46,167 --> 00:11:48,700 to report you both to Principal Pearson. 280 00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:49,700 - That won't be necessary. 281 00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:51,067 I was just telling Sam that-- 282 00:11:51,133 --> 00:11:52,700 - It's fine. I don't want to be 283 00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:54,967 in a relationship with her. 284 00:11:55,067 --> 00:11:56,267 - What? 285 00:11:56,367 --> 00:11:58,367 - I just don't want to be with you anymore. 286 00:11:58,467 --> 00:11:59,700 - Then that's settled. 287 00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:02,533 - No, it is not settled. 288 00:12:02,633 --> 00:12:04,700 You would be lucky to have me. 289 00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:05,800 This is like a football player 290 00:12:05,900 --> 00:12:07,933 not accepting the Heisman Trophy. 291 00:12:08,067 --> 00:12:09,767 - I just realized that you're superficial 292 00:12:09,867 --> 00:12:11,567 and you care too much about what people think. 293 00:12:11,667 --> 00:12:13,667 - You don't know me at all. 294 00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:16,533 I do not care what people think. 295 00:12:16,633 --> 00:12:18,533 I just want everyone to like me. 296 00:12:18,633 --> 00:12:21,267 - [laughs] Look, I'm sorry, 297 00:12:21,367 --> 00:12:23,400 just not gonna happen. 298 00:12:23,500 --> 00:12:26,133 Thought you'd be relieved. 299 00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:31,767 - Did he just reject me? 300 00:12:33,967 --> 00:12:36,067 Why aren't you answering me? 301 00:12:37,633 --> 00:12:39,100 Oh, my God, this is a dream. 302 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:41,867 This has to be a dream. 303 00:12:41,967 --> 00:12:44,900 If this is a dream, wake me up! 304 00:12:51,967 --> 00:12:55,267 Oh, God, it smells like him. 305 00:12:59,133 --> 00:13:00,567 - Are you okay? 306 00:13:01,433 --> 00:13:02,700 - I'm fine. 307 00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:03,867 I'm just grading papers. 308 00:13:03,967 --> 00:13:05,433 - Did you break up with Sam? 309 00:13:05,533 --> 00:13:08,700 - No, he broke up with me. 310 00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:12,300 I have never had this happen to me before. 311 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:13,900 It hurts! 312 00:13:14,067 --> 00:13:16,933 [crying] 313 00:13:18,633 --> 00:13:20,833 - Hey, you wanna grab some hot wings 314 00:13:20,933 --> 00:13:24,133 and go eye bone the construction dudes across the street? 315 00:13:24,233 --> 00:13:28,167 - Oh, my God, you feel sorry for me. 316 00:13:28,267 --> 00:13:30,333 I am not this person. 317 00:13:30,433 --> 00:13:32,133 I've gotta go get him back. 318 00:13:32,233 --> 00:13:33,833 Oh! [grunts] 319 00:13:34,700 --> 00:13:37,967 He waxed it. [sobs] 320 00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:45,067 - Why did you give my class copies of "The God Delusion"? 321 00:13:45,100 --> 00:13:47,067 - Because you taught my class creationism. 322 00:13:47,100 --> 00:13:49,267 - Well, they started asking me all these questions, 323 00:13:49,367 --> 00:13:52,100 so I offered them both sides of the argument. 324 00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:53,667 I can't help it if they chose the one 325 00:13:53,767 --> 00:13:55,067 that makes the most sense. 326 00:13:55,133 --> 00:13:56,900 - Evolution makes the most sense. 327 00:13:57,067 --> 00:13:59,067 They chose God because it's easier. 328 00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:00,967 - Evolution's just a bunch of jumbo mumbo. 329 00:14:01,067 --> 00:14:03,367 If humans evolved from monkeys, 330 00:14:03,467 --> 00:14:05,133 then why do monkeys still exist? 331 00:14:05,233 --> 00:14:07,100 - Humans didn't evolve from monkeys. 332 00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:09,267 - So you agree. - You're being ignorant! 333 00:14:09,367 --> 00:14:11,900 You taught creationism to 19 4th graders. 334 00:14:12,067 --> 00:14:14,100 You basically just created a whole new set of Duggars. 335 00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,500 - I thought you, of all people, would respect my beliefs. 336 00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:18,800 - No, because your beliefs are stupid. 337 00:14:23,133 --> 00:14:25,667 - You're always standing up for everybody else. 338 00:14:25,767 --> 00:14:27,967 Why won't you stand up for me? 339 00:14:28,067 --> 00:14:30,100 Last week, you made us all sign a petition 340 00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:36,300 to protect the albino narwhal-- the albino narwhal! 341 00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:37,767 Don't you see? 342 00:14:37,867 --> 00:14:41,067 I'm the albino narwhal! 343 00:14:54,167 --> 00:14:55,933 - [grunts] 344 00:14:56,067 --> 00:14:58,067 - What're you doing? 345 00:14:58,100 --> 00:14:59,833 - I'm throwing away garbage like a garbage man 346 00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:03,067 because I don't care what people think of me. 347 00:15:07,767 --> 00:15:08,900 - You look weird. Are you sick? 348 00:15:09,067 --> 00:15:11,433 - No, I'm just not wearing makeup. 349 00:15:11,533 --> 00:15:12,867 because I'm not superficial. 350 00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:16,933 Fine. I'm wearing a tinted moisturizer with SPF-- 351 00:15:17,067 --> 00:15:18,367 I'm not an animal! 352 00:15:20,900 --> 00:15:24,067 - Chelsea. Chelsea. - What? 353 00:15:24,167 --> 00:15:26,867 - When I said that you cared too much about what people think, 354 00:15:26,967 --> 00:15:28,567 I was talking about you being ashamed 355 00:15:28,667 --> 00:15:30,233 of people knowing about us. 356 00:15:30,333 --> 00:15:31,300 - Oh. 357 00:15:33,833 --> 00:15:35,600 - Hey, look... 358 00:15:35,700 --> 00:15:37,767 [romantic music] 359 00:15:37,867 --> 00:15:41,333 You're beautiful, you're smart, 360 00:15:41,433 --> 00:15:45,567 and your nastier than a New Orleans sewer, 361 00:15:45,667 --> 00:15:49,067 but I just can't be with someone who's embarrassed of me. 362 00:15:55,133 --> 00:15:57,867 You have garbage water leaking into your shoes. 363 00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:07,100 - [yells] 364 00:16:08,533 --> 00:16:09,833 - Hey, Caroline. 365 00:16:12,067 --> 00:16:14,600 I got a call from my mechanic. 366 00:16:14,700 --> 00:16:15,600 My car's ready. 367 00:16:15,700 --> 00:16:16,900 - Oh, what a relief for you. 368 00:16:17,067 --> 00:16:18,067 You'll never have to listen to 369 00:16:18,133 --> 00:16:19,800 "On Top of Spaghetti" again. 370 00:16:19,900 --> 00:16:20,800 - I had fun-- 371 00:16:20,900 --> 00:16:22,300 - Don't lie. 372 00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:24,667 I saw your face when I told you about my Anne Geddes wall. 373 00:16:24,767 --> 00:16:26,867 - Caroline, I'm sorry. 374 00:16:26,967 --> 00:16:28,167 I was a jerk. 375 00:16:28,267 --> 00:16:32,467 How about, I pick you up for work tomorrow? 376 00:16:34,433 --> 00:16:36,500 - Okay, fine. 377 00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:37,833 It'll be nice. 378 00:16:37,933 --> 00:16:39,167 We can do a morning your way. 379 00:16:39,267 --> 00:16:41,600 - Great. My brakes are still a little screwed up. 380 00:16:41,700 --> 00:16:44,933 So, I'll honk the horn when I'm a block away and coast by. 381 00:16:45,067 --> 00:16:47,167 You gotta jump in. 382 00:16:52,433 --> 00:16:55,933 - I had sex with Sam, and I loved it. 383 00:16:56,067 --> 00:16:57,800 I loved the way his calloused hands 384 00:16:57,900 --> 00:17:00,433 both stimulated and exfoliated me. 385 00:17:00,533 --> 00:17:02,633 I loved the way that he thrust into me 386 00:17:02,733 --> 00:17:04,800 like he was plunging a toilet. 387 00:17:04,900 --> 00:17:07,200 I love that we banged so many times 388 00:17:07,300 --> 00:17:09,467 I'm having phantom hump sensations. 389 00:17:09,567 --> 00:17:11,500 [pipe clangs] 390 00:17:15,433 --> 00:17:17,133 [romantic music] 391 00:17:17,233 --> 00:17:20,733 I don't care what anyone thinks, 392 00:17:20,833 --> 00:17:23,667 I love having sex 393 00:17:23,767 --> 00:17:26,767 with Sam the janitor. 394 00:17:26,867 --> 00:17:28,467 Judge away, America! 395 00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:45,400 [moans] 396 00:17:45,500 --> 00:17:46,967 Boom. 397 00:17:49,167 --> 00:17:50,800 [death metal music] 398 00:17:50,900 --> 00:17:52,333 - You sure you don't want a fish taco? 399 00:17:52,433 --> 00:17:54,367 - No, thank you. 400 00:17:55,100 --> 00:17:56,367 [car horn beeps] 401 00:17:56,467 --> 00:17:57,867 - Son of a bitch! 402 00:17:57,967 --> 00:17:59,600 You gonna cut me off? 403 00:17:59,700 --> 00:18:02,267 Oh, stoplight, the great equalizer. 404 00:18:02,367 --> 00:18:03,900 [engine races] 405 00:18:04,067 --> 00:18:05,767 [brakes squeal] 406 00:18:07,700 --> 00:18:11,333 - What--Deb, what're you doing? 407 00:18:12,733 --> 00:18:15,600 - Hey, outta the car, you piece of shit! 408 00:18:15,700 --> 00:18:17,167 man: Get back in your car, you crazy bitch. 409 00:18:17,267 --> 00:18:18,900 - What did you say to me? [tire iron clanging] 410 00:18:19,067 --> 00:18:21,367 - Hey, come on. No! No! 411 00:18:23,267 --> 00:18:24,433 - Oh, my God. 412 00:18:24,533 --> 00:18:25,967 - What're you, kidding me? 413 00:18:26,067 --> 00:18:27,367 Oh, come on. 414 00:18:27,467 --> 00:18:29,167 - These Lyft drivers think they own the road. 415 00:18:29,267 --> 00:18:30,400 - Why? 416 00:18:37,533 --> 00:18:40,600 - Before we start the day, should we say a little prayer? 417 00:18:40,700 --> 00:18:42,167 - What? 418 00:18:42,267 --> 00:18:45,067 - I think we're too hard on Christians in this country. 419 00:18:45,100 --> 00:18:48,567 In fact, they should be applauded and supported 420 00:18:48,667 --> 00:18:51,367 for holding tightly onto their beliefs. 421 00:18:51,467 --> 00:18:53,067 Even when presented with solid evidence 422 00:18:53,100 --> 00:18:55,267 that unequivocally refutes them. 423 00:18:55,367 --> 00:18:59,067 So, bless this bagel... 424 00:18:59,100 --> 00:19:00,467 God. 425 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:06,733 - [sighs] 426 00:19:09,100 --> 00:19:11,967 I couldn't remember all the letters, 427 00:19:12,067 --> 00:19:14,367 but I think it's close. 428 00:19:14,467 --> 00:19:18,067 I just want you to know that I appreciate liberals like you 429 00:19:18,167 --> 00:19:20,067 and the way you judge us. 430 00:19:20,167 --> 00:19:21,433 It's a nice reminder that 431 00:19:21,533 --> 00:19:24,133 the real judgment will one day be upon us. 432 00:19:26,867 --> 00:19:28,533 - Has anybody seen Chelsea? 433 00:19:28,633 --> 00:19:31,767 - Oh, oh yeah. - [grunting, laughing] 434 00:19:34,367 --> 00:19:35,533 Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! 435 00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:37,867 - Let's just give this a little-- 436 00:19:37,967 --> 00:19:41,500 - Goal! 437 00:19:46,433 --> 00:19:54,633 * 438 00:19:54,733 --> 00:19:57,233 * Turn it down 439 00:19:57,333 --> 00:20:00,067 * Turn it down 440 00:20:00,167 --> 00:20:02,900 * Turn it down 441 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:04,667 * Turn it down 442 00:20:06,500 --> 00:20:09,400 - Oh, yeah. 31407

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