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1
00:00:07,433 --> 00:00:09,933
[rock music]
* Turn it down
2
00:00:10,033 --> 00:00:11,433
* Turn it down
3
00:00:11,533 --> 00:00:12,967
- * Mr. Beetle Boo,
how do you do *
4
00:00:13,067 --> 00:00:14,433
* How do you do
5
00:00:14,533 --> 00:00:16,867
* Mr. Beetle Boo,
how do you do *
6
00:00:16,967 --> 00:00:18,067
And he said,
7
00:00:18,167 --> 00:00:19,700
* I'm Mr. Beetle Boo
8
00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:21,567
* How do you do,
how do you do *
9
00:00:21,667 --> 00:00:23,000
* I'm Mr. Beetle Boo
10
00:00:23,100 --> 00:00:24,300
* How do you do
11
00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:26,733
And they said--
12
00:00:27,867 --> 00:00:29,000
It's your turn.
13
00:00:29,100 --> 00:00:31,400
- How about,
"I'm dying inside?"
14
00:00:31,500 --> 00:00:34,267
- Deb, that is not
the verse.
15
00:00:34,367 --> 00:00:36,367
You're supposed to say,
16
00:00:36,467 --> 00:00:38,233
* Mr. Beetle Boo,
your bills are due *
17
00:00:38,333 --> 00:00:39,767
* Your bills are due
18
00:00:39,867 --> 00:00:42,100
* Mr. Beetle Boo,
your bills are due *
19
00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:43,867
[laughs]
20
00:00:43,967 --> 00:00:45,567
- I can't take it anymore.
- Take what?
21
00:00:45,667 --> 00:00:46,833
- My car broke down last week,
22
00:00:46,933 --> 00:00:49,067
and Caroline insisted,
that we carpool.
23
00:00:49,167 --> 00:00:51,933
Did you know that she makes
people take off their shoes
24
00:00:52,033 --> 00:00:53,167
before getting into her car?
25
00:00:53,267 --> 00:00:54,333
- She drives barefoot?
26
00:00:54,433 --> 00:00:57,433
- No, she has driving slippers.
27
00:00:57,533 --> 00:00:59,533
And she sings
children's songs.
28
00:00:59,633 --> 00:01:02,700
It makes me want
to drink antifreeze.
29
00:01:05,500 --> 00:01:09,067
- Ugh, God, why are there
so many kids around?
30
00:01:09,100 --> 00:01:10,233
I need a gatorade, aspirin,
31
00:01:10,333 --> 00:01:11,400
and a Listerine Breath Strip.
32
00:01:11,500 --> 00:01:12,533
- Hey, that's the same
33
00:01:12,633 --> 00:01:14,400
coochie skirt you wore
last night.
34
00:01:14,500 --> 00:01:15,767
Did you go home
with someone?
35
00:01:15,867 --> 00:01:18,333
- No, and my sex life is
none of your business.
36
00:01:18,433 --> 00:01:21,367
- You're the one who's always
bragging about your conquests.
37
00:01:21,467 --> 00:01:23,500
- The midwest regional manager
of Crepes Are Us.
38
00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:24,833
- The semi-pro hockey player.
39
00:01:24,933 --> 00:01:26,600
- The emcee at the aquarium
whale show.
40
00:01:26,700 --> 00:01:29,167
- So many high-powered men
fall in love with you
41
00:01:29,267 --> 00:01:30,200
for a night.
42
00:01:30,300 --> 00:01:32,633
- Stop attacking me! God!
43
00:01:32,733 --> 00:01:35,367
I cannot help it if I attract
moguls and trendsetters.
44
00:01:36,633 --> 00:01:38,333
But I did not go home with
anyone last night.
45
00:01:38,433 --> 00:01:41,600
- [scoffs] Uh, you texted me
at the bar,
46
00:01:41,700 --> 00:01:44,500
"Peace out. Gotta go
gargle some dong."
47
00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:46,400
Now, who'd you bang?
48
00:01:46,500 --> 00:01:47,633
- I've decided to become
49
00:01:47,733 --> 00:01:48,867
a very private person
since then.
50
00:01:48,967 --> 00:01:50,567
And I actually think
that we should be
51
00:01:50,667 --> 00:01:51,633
a little bit more sensitive
52
00:01:51,733 --> 00:01:52,867
about the information we share
53
00:01:52,967 --> 00:01:53,700
with each other.
54
00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:55,100
Now, if you will excuse me,
55
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:56,467
I have to go get some Vaseline
56
00:01:56,567 --> 00:01:58,767
to pry off my self-stick
titty cutlets.
57
00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:01,967
And I appear to have lost one.
58
00:02:02,067 --> 00:02:04,967
[rock music]
59
00:02:05,067 --> 00:02:07,900
*
60
00:02:08,067 --> 00:02:08,800
- Sweet cheeks!
61
00:02:08,900 --> 00:02:11,700
- [scoffs] Sam,
not here.
62
00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:14,767
- Ms. Snap,
running late as usual.
63
00:02:14,867 --> 00:02:16,800
- Buzz off, Marty.
- Hey!
64
00:02:16,900 --> 00:02:18,400
You can't
talk to me like that.
65
00:02:18,500 --> 00:02:20,333
I'm the liaison
to the principal.
66
00:02:20,433 --> 00:02:23,267
- You made that title up,
and it's embarrassing.
67
00:02:23,367 --> 00:02:26,133
[rock music]
68
00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:29,967
- Hey, um, can you cover
my class at noon today?
69
00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:31,967
- Yeah, what's up?
- I'm taking a half-day
70
00:02:32,067 --> 00:02:34,733
to go to the LGBTQIA
protest downtown.
71
00:02:34,833 --> 00:02:36,500
- I don't know what
all those letters stand for,
72
00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:38,500
but sure sounds fun.
73
00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:40,067
- It stands for:
Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual,
74
00:02:40,167 --> 00:02:42,467
Transgender, Questioning,
Intersex, and Asexual.
75
00:02:42,567 --> 00:02:45,067
- Oh, then I'll pray for you.
76
00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:50,367
- No, no, no. I have to have
the car today.
77
00:02:50,467 --> 00:02:53,267
Do I really need brake pads?
78
00:02:53,367 --> 00:02:54,500
- Hey Debbie Doodle Dandy,
79
00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:55,933
I have to leave at 3:15.
80
00:02:56,067 --> 00:02:58,233
I have a bonsai trimming class
at 4:00.
81
00:02:58,333 --> 00:03:00,200
[gasps] Oh, you know what?
82
00:03:00,300 --> 00:03:01,367
Why don't you come?
83
00:03:01,467 --> 00:03:02,767
It'll be so much fun.
84
00:03:02,867 --> 00:03:05,133
It's like you're a giant
among tiny trees.
85
00:03:05,233 --> 00:03:07,467
Fee, fie, foe--green thumb!
86
00:03:07,567 --> 00:03:10,300
[laughs]
I just thought of that.
87
00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:12,467
- Get me my car by 3:15 today
88
00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:14,333
and I will
let you sniff my panties.
89
00:03:14,433 --> 00:03:15,767
[man, indistinct]
90
00:03:15,867 --> 00:03:18,067
- Well, a lot of people
are into that.
91
00:03:21,533 --> 00:03:23,500
- Hey girl,
it's my prep.
92
00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:25,100
I'm heading
to Wendy's.
93
00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:26,433
Wanna come?
94
00:03:26,533 --> 00:03:28,533
- Yeah, sure,
I was not doing anything.
95
00:03:28,633 --> 00:03:30,233
- [giggles]
96
00:03:30,333 --> 00:03:32,433
Wow, your room's
so clean.
97
00:03:32,533 --> 00:03:34,667
- Is it?
I didn't notice.
98
00:03:34,767 --> 00:03:36,067
- Did someone power wash
your windows?
99
00:03:36,167 --> 00:03:37,500
- I don't know what
you are talking about--
100
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:39,267
- I'm just saying
the janitor
101
00:03:39,367 --> 00:03:40,800
really went to town
in here--
102
00:03:40,900 --> 00:03:42,467
- Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
103
00:03:42,567 --> 00:03:44,233
There is nothing
going on around here.
104
00:03:46,267 --> 00:03:48,433
I'm sorry.
105
00:03:48,533 --> 00:03:49,900
Just a little "hangry."
106
00:03:56,267 --> 00:03:57,600
- Hey, everyone.
107
00:03:57,700 --> 00:04:00,300
I'll be taking over for
Ms. Cannon today.
108
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:03,700
She's off supporting
the LG--
109
00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:07,167
TCBY community.
110
00:04:07,267 --> 00:04:10,233
So, what is she teaching
you all, right now.
111
00:04:10,333 --> 00:04:12,867
together: Science!
- Neato.
112
00:04:12,967 --> 00:04:14,967
- We just learned
how the world was created.
113
00:04:15,067 --> 00:04:18,567
- The Earth
is 4.5 billion years old.
114
00:04:18,667 --> 00:04:21,767
- Well, that's what
some people believe.
115
00:04:21,867 --> 00:04:23,800
- Some people?
- Sure.
116
00:04:23,900 --> 00:04:25,300
There are many different
theories,
117
00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:27,067
and that's a great one.
118
00:04:27,133 --> 00:04:31,933
So, let's talk about...
lava.
119
00:04:32,067 --> 00:04:34,300
- Wait, what's another theory?
120
00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:38,367
- Well, at my church,
121
00:04:38,467 --> 00:04:42,067
we say the Earth is
6,000 years old.
122
00:04:42,133 --> 00:04:46,433
- So, animals evolved
in 6,000 years?
123
00:04:46,533 --> 00:04:49,333
- If evolution was real, sure.
124
00:04:49,433 --> 00:04:51,233
- Wait, evolution isn't real?
125
00:04:51,333 --> 00:04:54,133
- It's a cool, kooky idea,
126
00:04:54,233 --> 00:04:56,067
but it's not what actually
happened.
127
00:04:56,167 --> 00:04:57,833
- So, we don't
need to know about
128
00:04:57,933 --> 00:05:01,933
Darwin or Neanderthals or
natural selection?
129
00:05:02,067 --> 00:05:04,900
- Nope. Science is really simple
130
00:05:05,067 --> 00:05:08,567
when you realize
it's all just God.
131
00:05:08,667 --> 00:05:12,067
- Cool.
- The coolest.
132
00:05:17,133 --> 00:05:18,433
- Ew.
133
00:05:18,533 --> 00:05:22,067
- Yeah, Hunter Minsky's
gotta learn how to hold it.
134
00:05:22,167 --> 00:05:24,933
- Sam, thank you for cleaning
my classroom so well,
135
00:05:25,067 --> 00:05:27,133
but you can't give me
extra attention like that.
136
00:05:27,233 --> 00:05:28,600
People are noticing.
137
00:05:28,700 --> 00:05:31,067
What happened last night
has to stay between us.
138
00:05:35,233 --> 00:05:37,433
- You look really beautiful
under these fluorescent lights.
139
00:05:37,533 --> 00:05:38,767
- I know.
140
00:05:38,867 --> 00:05:42,100
Listen, yes, you awoke
my sexual beast last night
141
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,067
and yes, I have never
allowed myself
142
00:05:44,100 --> 00:05:45,333
to let go like that before,
but--
143
00:05:45,433 --> 00:05:47,400
- Yeah, you broke a lot of shit
at my place.
144
00:05:47,500 --> 00:05:50,067
- Oh, my God, when you
took me on that foosball table
145
00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:52,733
with that little soccer man
up my butt--
146
00:05:54,533 --> 00:05:56,967
Why can't you respect
my boundaries!
147
00:05:58,133 --> 00:05:59,833
I just want to keep this
between us.
148
00:06:00,067 --> 00:06:02,867
- Why?
- Because...
149
00:06:02,967 --> 00:06:05,867
this is a professional
environment.
150
00:06:05,967 --> 00:06:08,067
We can't acknowledge each other
on school grounds.
151
00:06:08,167 --> 00:06:09,067
- Oh, yeah?
152
00:06:09,167 --> 00:06:13,333
Not even
a little shrimping.
153
00:06:13,433 --> 00:06:17,100
- Oh, there is always shrimp
at this buffet.
154
00:06:22,533 --> 00:06:23,867
- Wow.
155
00:06:26,067 --> 00:06:28,067
- Uh, you're right, Sam.
156
00:06:28,100 --> 00:06:30,300
Hmm, this is definitely
sheetrock.
157
00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:33,767
- Let's wait until Sam cleans
the computer lab, Lucy.
158
00:06:33,867 --> 00:06:37,167
It's way too hot and dirty
in here right now.
159
00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:43,267
- * Have you ever heard
a mermaid sing *
160
00:06:43,367 --> 00:06:44,600
* You don't know what
you're missin' *
161
00:06:44,700 --> 00:06:46,333
* Have you ever heard
a mermaid sing *
162
00:06:46,433 --> 00:06:48,500
* Just go to the sea
and listen *
163
00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:51,267
* Cause a mermaid sings
like this *
164
00:06:51,367 --> 00:06:54,067
* Bubba bubba glub glub,
bubba bubba glub glub *
165
00:06:54,133 --> 00:06:56,100
They're underwater.
166
00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:59,133
* And that's how
a mermaid sings *
167
00:06:59,233 --> 00:07:00,933
Ooh, stoplight.
168
00:07:01,067 --> 00:07:03,367
Gotta wet wipe
the dashboard.
169
00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:05,533
- You know what, Caroline,
170
00:07:05,633 --> 00:07:07,167
I'm not gonna need
a ride home tonight.
171
00:07:07,267 --> 00:07:08,733
- Don't be silly.
172
00:07:08,833 --> 00:07:10,633
Here, I'm gonna lint roll
you before we get to school.
173
00:07:10,733 --> 00:07:11,800
- No! We're done.
174
00:07:11,900 --> 00:07:15,300
The cleaning, the singing,
the driving slippers--
175
00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:19,067
I keep praying for a head-on
collision.
176
00:07:19,167 --> 00:07:20,800
No more rides!
177
00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:26,900
- [quietly]
* Bubba bubba glub glub
178
00:07:27,067 --> 00:07:28,400
* Bubba bubba
glub glub *
179
00:07:29,767 --> 00:07:31,233
- Thanks for covering
my class yesterday.
180
00:07:31,333 --> 00:07:33,600
- No problem,
they were angels.
181
00:07:33,700 --> 00:07:35,567
How was your protest?
- Great.
182
00:07:35,667 --> 00:07:38,200
We're fighting
for asexual domestic partners.
183
00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:40,067
Just because
you're just friends
184
00:07:40,133 --> 00:07:41,533
doesn't mean
you should be uninsured.
185
00:07:46,567 --> 00:07:49,500
- Hey, I just wanted
to apologize
186
00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:50,867
for what you
witnessed yesterday.
187
00:07:50,967 --> 00:07:52,300
- It's totally cool.
188
00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:54,067
I told Lucy you were
just seeing who's taller.
189
00:07:54,100 --> 00:07:56,767
- [laughs] Please don't
tell anybody about what you saw.
190
00:07:56,867 --> 00:08:00,133
- You dry humping the man
who pulled a dead raccoon
191
00:08:00,233 --> 00:08:01,867
out of the ceiling
with a rake?
192
00:08:01,967 --> 00:08:04,667
- Exactly.
He is a janitor,
193
00:08:04,767 --> 00:08:07,933
and I have a reputation
to uphold.
194
00:08:08,067 --> 00:08:10,633
But it was the best sex
195
00:08:10,733 --> 00:08:12,300
of my life.
196
00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:14,067
And I've had a lot of sex.
197
00:08:14,167 --> 00:08:15,067
But not in a slutty way.
198
00:08:15,167 --> 00:08:16,867
- Wow, Sam?
199
00:08:16,967 --> 00:08:19,533
- Normally, men treat me like
a delicate flower.
200
00:08:19,633 --> 00:08:22,433
But he took me like a wild stag
that had just
201
00:08:22,533 --> 00:08:24,600
gored the alpha male
for the privilege.
202
00:08:24,700 --> 00:08:25,767
Oh, I loved it!
203
00:08:25,867 --> 00:08:26,933
- Holy balls.
204
00:08:27,067 --> 00:08:29,233
Yeah...but you have to
keep this on the down low.
205
00:08:29,333 --> 00:08:30,700
- I won't say anything
if you can get him
206
00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:33,433
to snag me
a whole bunch of TP.
207
00:08:33,533 --> 00:08:35,567
Ever since they put locks
on the dispensers,
208
00:08:35,667 --> 00:08:37,433
I've been stealing
paper towels.
209
00:08:37,533 --> 00:08:39,533
It's tearing me up.
210
00:08:39,633 --> 00:08:41,233
- Deal.
211
00:08:48,967 --> 00:08:50,767
- Oh Mylanta, Chelsea.
212
00:08:50,867 --> 00:08:53,500
I can't believe you're
canoodling with the janitor.
213
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:55,133
- Very Downton Abbey.
214
00:08:55,233 --> 00:08:57,067
Except without the elegance
or manners.
215
00:08:57,167 --> 00:08:58,467
- I'm proud of you
216
00:08:58,567 --> 00:09:00,800
for giving up your obsession
with power and money.
217
00:09:00,900 --> 00:09:02,133
Before you know it,
you'll be riding
218
00:09:02,233 --> 00:09:03,567
public transportation.
219
00:09:04,867 --> 00:09:06,167
- Feldman!
220
00:09:06,267 --> 00:09:08,133
- Sorry, dawg, it just came up
221
00:09:08,233 --> 00:09:10,433
in the natural flow
of conversation.
222
00:09:10,533 --> 00:09:12,367
- Have you noticed how clean
Chelsea's room is?
223
00:09:12,467 --> 00:09:15,067
- The floors aren't
the only thing Sam polished.
224
00:09:15,133 --> 00:09:17,367
- Did you hear Principal Pearson
had a fender bender
225
00:09:17,467 --> 00:09:18,667
in the parking lot?
226
00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:21,933
- Interesting that you bring up
rear ending...
227
00:09:23,067 --> 00:09:24,267
- Hey, wanna go out to eat?
228
00:09:24,367 --> 00:09:25,967
- Speaking of eating out...
229
00:09:26,067 --> 00:09:27,933
- Ooh, an American goldfinch
230
00:09:28,067 --> 00:09:29,533
- Snap fucked Sam.
231
00:09:29,633 --> 00:09:33,500
So, I guess it's back to paper
towels and chafing?
232
00:09:35,567 --> 00:09:36,767
- This is out of control.
233
00:09:36,867 --> 00:09:38,267
I've gotta end things with Sam
234
00:09:38,367 --> 00:09:39,667
before the whole school
finds out.
235
00:09:39,767 --> 00:09:40,967
- Chelsea--
236
00:09:43,133 --> 00:09:44,933
Maybe we shouldn't have
said anything.
237
00:09:45,067 --> 00:09:46,767
We've all been with people
we regret.
238
00:09:46,867 --> 00:09:48,833
- I slept with
a manager of a Chick-fil-A.
239
00:09:48,933 --> 00:09:51,567
- I slept with a dude
in an adult a cappella group.
240
00:09:51,667 --> 00:09:54,500
- I sharted
at a Josh Groban concert.
241
00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:57,567
What?
We're all just saying
242
00:09:57,667 --> 00:10:00,033
embarrassing things we did,
right?
243
00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:00,067
embarrassing things we did,
right?
[rock music]
244
00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:02,933
[rock music]
245
00:10:03,033 --> 00:10:10,033
*
246
00:10:10,133 --> 00:10:13,533
- Hey guys, did Ms. Bennigan
teach you science yesterday?
247
00:10:13,633 --> 00:10:15,700
- Yep.
And she made it so easy.
248
00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:17,733
- What exactly
did she teach you?
249
00:10:17,833 --> 00:10:19,300
- That evolution isn't real.
250
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:20,833
- What?
- And that science is something
251
00:10:20,933 --> 00:10:24,467
atheists cling to to justify
their immoral lifestyle.
252
00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:28,233
- I left her a lesson plan
right here.
253
00:10:28,333 --> 00:10:31,233
[choral music]
254
00:10:31,333 --> 00:10:33,067
What's going on?
255
00:10:33,167 --> 00:10:36,100
- We're praying for you.
256
00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:38,333
together: Amen.
257
00:10:41,567 --> 00:10:45,567
- Oh, gross.
Sam, I can't do this anymore.
258
00:10:45,667 --> 00:10:48,167
You're a janitor and I'm
a well-respected educator.
259
00:10:48,267 --> 00:10:50,767
I give the other teachers
something to aspire to.
260
00:10:50,867 --> 00:10:51,767
If they see me with you,
261
00:10:51,867 --> 00:10:53,333
what kind of message
does that send?
262
00:10:53,433 --> 00:10:55,567
- That you have good taste
in men.
263
00:10:55,667 --> 00:10:56,800
- No, I am not gonna be
in a relationship with someone
264
00:10:56,900 --> 00:10:58,733
who cleans up vomit
for a living.
265
00:10:58,833 --> 00:11:00,833
- So you don't want me
to snake your drain anymore?
266
00:11:00,933 --> 00:11:04,067
- Oh, God damn it,
why is that so hot?
267
00:11:05,900 --> 00:11:09,267
- Oh, you like that?
- Oh, yeah, big mama likes!
268
00:11:09,367 --> 00:11:12,500
- What the holy hell
is going on here?
269
00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:15,233
- I was just teaching Sam
to read.
270
00:11:15,333 --> 00:11:17,867
- Really? Is the book
down your skirt?
271
00:11:26,233 --> 00:11:28,333
* Turn it down
272
00:11:28,433 --> 00:11:30,433
* Turn it down
273
00:11:31,633 --> 00:11:33,400
- Disinfect, please.
274
00:11:33,500 --> 00:11:36,167
I am disappointed
in both of you--
275
00:11:36,267 --> 00:11:38,433
Especially you, Sam.
276
00:11:38,533 --> 00:11:40,067
This is a professional
environment,
277
00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:42,700
and relationships
like this are not permitted.
278
00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:46,067
If this continues,
I will be forced
279
00:11:46,167 --> 00:11:48,700
to report you both
to Principal Pearson.
280
00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:49,700
- That won't be necessary.
281
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:51,067
I was just telling Sam that--
282
00:11:51,133 --> 00:11:52,700
- It's fine.
I don't want to be
283
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:54,967
in a relationship with her.
284
00:11:55,067 --> 00:11:56,267
- What?
285
00:11:56,367 --> 00:11:58,367
- I just don't want
to be with you anymore.
286
00:11:58,467 --> 00:11:59,700
- Then that's settled.
287
00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:02,533
- No, it is not settled.
288
00:12:02,633 --> 00:12:04,700
You would be lucky
to have me.
289
00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:05,800
This is like
a football player
290
00:12:05,900 --> 00:12:07,933
not accepting
the Heisman Trophy.
291
00:12:08,067 --> 00:12:09,767
- I just realized that
you're superficial
292
00:12:09,867 --> 00:12:11,567
and you care too much
about what people think.
293
00:12:11,667 --> 00:12:13,667
- You don't know me
at all.
294
00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:16,533
I do not care
what people think.
295
00:12:16,633 --> 00:12:18,533
I just want everyone
to like me.
296
00:12:18,633 --> 00:12:21,267
- [laughs] Look, I'm sorry,
297
00:12:21,367 --> 00:12:23,400
just not gonna happen.
298
00:12:23,500 --> 00:12:26,133
Thought you'd be relieved.
299
00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:31,767
- Did he just reject me?
300
00:12:33,967 --> 00:12:36,067
Why aren't you answering me?
301
00:12:37,633 --> 00:12:39,100
Oh, my God, this is a dream.
302
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:41,867
This has to be a dream.
303
00:12:41,967 --> 00:12:44,900
If this is a dream,
wake me up!
304
00:12:51,967 --> 00:12:55,267
Oh, God,
it smells like him.
305
00:12:59,133 --> 00:13:00,567
- Are you okay?
306
00:13:01,433 --> 00:13:02,700
- I'm fine.
307
00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:03,867
I'm just grading papers.
308
00:13:03,967 --> 00:13:05,433
- Did you break up with Sam?
309
00:13:05,533 --> 00:13:08,700
- No, he broke up with me.
310
00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:12,300
I have never had this
happen to me before.
311
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:13,900
It hurts!
312
00:13:14,067 --> 00:13:16,933
[crying]
313
00:13:18,633 --> 00:13:20,833
- Hey, you wanna
grab some hot wings
314
00:13:20,933 --> 00:13:24,133
and go eye bone the construction
dudes across the street?
315
00:13:24,233 --> 00:13:28,167
- Oh, my God,
you feel sorry for me.
316
00:13:28,267 --> 00:13:30,333
I am not this person.
317
00:13:30,433 --> 00:13:32,133
I've gotta go get him back.
318
00:13:32,233 --> 00:13:33,833
Oh!
[grunts]
319
00:13:34,700 --> 00:13:37,967
He waxed it.
[sobs]
320
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:45,067
- Why did you give my class
copies of "The God Delusion"?
321
00:13:45,100 --> 00:13:47,067
- Because you taught my class
creationism.
322
00:13:47,100 --> 00:13:49,267
- Well, they started asking me
all these questions,
323
00:13:49,367 --> 00:13:52,100
so I offered them
both sides of the argument.
324
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:53,667
I can't help it
if they chose the one
325
00:13:53,767 --> 00:13:55,067
that makes the most sense.
326
00:13:55,133 --> 00:13:56,900
- Evolution
makes the most sense.
327
00:13:57,067 --> 00:13:59,067
They chose God
because it's easier.
328
00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:00,967
- Evolution's just
a bunch of jumbo mumbo.
329
00:14:01,067 --> 00:14:03,367
If humans evolved from monkeys,
330
00:14:03,467 --> 00:14:05,133
then why do monkeys still exist?
331
00:14:05,233 --> 00:14:07,100
- Humans didn't
evolve from monkeys.
332
00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:09,267
- So you agree.
- You're being ignorant!
333
00:14:09,367 --> 00:14:11,900
You taught creationism
to 19 4th graders.
334
00:14:12,067 --> 00:14:14,100
You basically just created
a whole new set of Duggars.
335
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,500
- I thought you, of all people,
would respect my beliefs.
336
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:18,800
- No, because your beliefs
are stupid.
337
00:14:23,133 --> 00:14:25,667
- You're always
standing up for everybody else.
338
00:14:25,767 --> 00:14:27,967
Why won't you stand up for me?
339
00:14:28,067 --> 00:14:30,100
Last week, you made us all
sign a petition
340
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:36,300
to protect the albino narwhal--
the albino narwhal!
341
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:37,767
Don't you see?
342
00:14:37,867 --> 00:14:41,067
I'm the albino narwhal!
343
00:14:54,167 --> 00:14:55,933
- [grunts]
344
00:14:56,067 --> 00:14:58,067
- What're you doing?
345
00:14:58,100 --> 00:14:59,833
- I'm throwing away garbage
like a garbage man
346
00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:03,067
because I don't care
what people think of me.
347
00:15:07,767 --> 00:15:08,900
- You look weird.
Are you sick?
348
00:15:09,067 --> 00:15:11,433
- No, I'm just not
wearing makeup.
349
00:15:11,533 --> 00:15:12,867
because I'm not superficial.
350
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:16,933
Fine. I'm wearing
a tinted moisturizer with SPF--
351
00:15:17,067 --> 00:15:18,367
I'm not an animal!
352
00:15:20,900 --> 00:15:24,067
- Chelsea. Chelsea.
- What?
353
00:15:24,167 --> 00:15:26,867
- When I said that you cared too
much about what people think,
354
00:15:26,967 --> 00:15:28,567
I was talking
about you being ashamed
355
00:15:28,667 --> 00:15:30,233
of people knowing about us.
356
00:15:30,333 --> 00:15:31,300
- Oh.
357
00:15:33,833 --> 00:15:35,600
- Hey, look...
358
00:15:35,700 --> 00:15:37,767
[romantic music]
359
00:15:37,867 --> 00:15:41,333
You're beautiful,
you're smart,
360
00:15:41,433 --> 00:15:45,567
and your nastier than
a New Orleans sewer,
361
00:15:45,667 --> 00:15:49,067
but I just can't be with someone
who's embarrassed of me.
362
00:15:55,133 --> 00:15:57,867
You have garbage water leaking
into your shoes.
363
00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:07,100
- [yells]
364
00:16:08,533 --> 00:16:09,833
- Hey, Caroline.
365
00:16:12,067 --> 00:16:14,600
I got a call
from my mechanic.
366
00:16:14,700 --> 00:16:15,600
My car's ready.
367
00:16:15,700 --> 00:16:16,900
- Oh, what a relief
for you.
368
00:16:17,067 --> 00:16:18,067
You'll never
have to listen to
369
00:16:18,133 --> 00:16:19,800
"On Top of Spaghetti" again.
370
00:16:19,900 --> 00:16:20,800
- I had fun--
371
00:16:20,900 --> 00:16:22,300
- Don't lie.
372
00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:24,667
I saw your face when I told you
about my Anne Geddes wall.
373
00:16:24,767 --> 00:16:26,867
- Caroline, I'm sorry.
374
00:16:26,967 --> 00:16:28,167
I was a jerk.
375
00:16:28,267 --> 00:16:32,467
How about, I pick you up
for work tomorrow?
376
00:16:34,433 --> 00:16:36,500
- Okay, fine.
377
00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:37,833
It'll be nice.
378
00:16:37,933 --> 00:16:39,167
We can do
a morning your way.
379
00:16:39,267 --> 00:16:41,600
- Great. My brakes are still
a little screwed up.
380
00:16:41,700 --> 00:16:44,933
So, I'll honk the horn when
I'm a block away and coast by.
381
00:16:45,067 --> 00:16:47,167
You gotta jump in.
382
00:16:52,433 --> 00:16:55,933
- I had sex with Sam,
and I loved it.
383
00:16:56,067 --> 00:16:57,800
I loved the way
his calloused hands
384
00:16:57,900 --> 00:17:00,433
both stimulated
and exfoliated me.
385
00:17:00,533 --> 00:17:02,633
I loved the way
that he thrust into me
386
00:17:02,733 --> 00:17:04,800
like he was plunging a toilet.
387
00:17:04,900 --> 00:17:07,200
I love that we banged
so many times
388
00:17:07,300 --> 00:17:09,467
I'm having
phantom hump sensations.
389
00:17:09,567 --> 00:17:11,500
[pipe clangs]
390
00:17:15,433 --> 00:17:17,133
[romantic music]
391
00:17:17,233 --> 00:17:20,733
I don't care what anyone thinks,
392
00:17:20,833 --> 00:17:23,667
I love having sex
393
00:17:23,767 --> 00:17:26,767
with Sam the janitor.
394
00:17:26,867 --> 00:17:28,467
Judge away, America!
395
00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:45,400
[moans]
396
00:17:45,500 --> 00:17:46,967
Boom.
397
00:17:49,167 --> 00:17:50,800
[death metal music]
398
00:17:50,900 --> 00:17:52,333
- You sure you don't want
a fish taco?
399
00:17:52,433 --> 00:17:54,367
- No, thank you.
400
00:17:55,100 --> 00:17:56,367
[car horn beeps]
401
00:17:56,467 --> 00:17:57,867
- Son of a bitch!
402
00:17:57,967 --> 00:17:59,600
You gonna cut me off?
403
00:17:59,700 --> 00:18:02,267
Oh, stoplight,
the great equalizer.
404
00:18:02,367 --> 00:18:03,900
[engine races]
405
00:18:04,067 --> 00:18:05,767
[brakes squeal]
406
00:18:07,700 --> 00:18:11,333
- What--Deb,
what're you doing?
407
00:18:12,733 --> 00:18:15,600
- Hey, outta the car,
you piece of shit!
408
00:18:15,700 --> 00:18:17,167
man: Get back in your car,
you crazy bitch.
409
00:18:17,267 --> 00:18:18,900
- What did you say to me?
[tire iron clanging]
410
00:18:19,067 --> 00:18:21,367
- Hey, come on. No! No!
411
00:18:23,267 --> 00:18:24,433
- Oh, my God.
412
00:18:24,533 --> 00:18:25,967
- What're you, kidding me?
413
00:18:26,067 --> 00:18:27,367
Oh, come on.
414
00:18:27,467 --> 00:18:29,167
- These Lyft drivers think
they own the road.
415
00:18:29,267 --> 00:18:30,400
- Why?
416
00:18:37,533 --> 00:18:40,600
- Before we start the day,
should we say a little prayer?
417
00:18:40,700 --> 00:18:42,167
- What?
418
00:18:42,267 --> 00:18:45,067
- I think we're too hard
on Christians in this country.
419
00:18:45,100 --> 00:18:48,567
In fact, they should be
applauded and supported
420
00:18:48,667 --> 00:18:51,367
for holding tightly
onto their beliefs.
421
00:18:51,467 --> 00:18:53,067
Even when presented
with solid evidence
422
00:18:53,100 --> 00:18:55,267
that unequivocally
refutes them.
423
00:18:55,367 --> 00:18:59,067
So, bless this bagel...
424
00:18:59,100 --> 00:19:00,467
God.
425
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:06,733
- [sighs]
426
00:19:09,100 --> 00:19:11,967
I couldn't remember
all the letters,
427
00:19:12,067 --> 00:19:14,367
but I think it's close.
428
00:19:14,467 --> 00:19:18,067
I just want you to know that
I appreciate liberals like you
429
00:19:18,167 --> 00:19:20,067
and the way you judge us.
430
00:19:20,167 --> 00:19:21,433
It's a nice reminder that
431
00:19:21,533 --> 00:19:24,133
the real judgment will
one day be upon us.
432
00:19:26,867 --> 00:19:28,533
- Has anybody seen Chelsea?
433
00:19:28,633 --> 00:19:31,767
- Oh, oh yeah.
- [grunting, laughing]
434
00:19:34,367 --> 00:19:35,533
Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!
435
00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:37,867
- Let's just give this
a little--
436
00:19:37,967 --> 00:19:41,500
- Goal!
437
00:19:46,433 --> 00:19:54,633
*
438
00:19:54,733 --> 00:19:57,233
* Turn it down
439
00:19:57,333 --> 00:20:00,067
* Turn it down
440
00:20:00,167 --> 00:20:02,900
* Turn it down
441
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:04,667
* Turn it down
442
00:20:06,500 --> 00:20:09,400
- Oh, yeah.
31407
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