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00:00:07,413 --> 00:00:10,137
[soft muzak playing
over speakers]
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00:00:10,206 --> 00:00:12,758
- She's back!
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00:00:12,827 --> 00:00:14,758
♪ ♪
4
00:00:14,827 --> 00:00:16,689
Ma'am?
5
00:00:16,758 --> 00:00:18,931
You have been here
every morning
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00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:20,137
for the past two weeks.
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00:00:20,206 --> 00:00:21,620
You're gonna need
to buy something.
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00:00:21,689 --> 00:00:24,000
- Excuse me,
but these are testers,
9
00:00:24,068 --> 00:00:26,586
and I'm testing them.
- Well, you've tested
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00:00:26,655 --> 00:00:28,896
that lipstick 14 times now.
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00:00:28,965 --> 00:00:31,379
- And I'm still making
a decision.
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00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:33,482
- You and your friend
need to leave.
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00:00:33,551 --> 00:00:36,137
- "My friend"?
- [scoffs]
14
00:00:36,206 --> 00:00:40,793
♪ ♪
15
00:00:40,862 --> 00:00:42,931
- Okay, I'm leaving.
16
00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:47,275
♪ ♪
17
00:00:47,344 --> 00:00:49,413
[rock music]
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00:00:49,482 --> 00:00:51,896
- ♪ Teachers ♪
19
00:00:51,965 --> 00:00:53,586
♪ Oh! ♪
20
00:00:53,655 --> 00:00:55,103
- Hey.
21
00:00:55,172 --> 00:00:57,793
- Fresh off watching
"G.I. Jane?"
22
00:00:57,862 --> 00:00:59,275
- No, gross.
23
00:00:59,344 --> 00:01:01,206
I hate when actresses
go bald for a role.
24
00:01:01,275 --> 00:01:02,275
It's like, we get it.
25
00:01:02,344 --> 00:01:03,827
You have a perfect skull.
26
00:01:03,896 --> 00:01:06,310
No, a bunch of girls from my
Bomb-Ass Femme Book Club
27
00:01:06,379 --> 00:01:08,241
asked me to lead
their Wilderness Gals troop.
28
00:01:08,310 --> 00:01:10,310
And as you know,
I am all about empowering
29
00:01:10,379 --> 00:01:12,000
and supporting women.
30
00:01:12,068 --> 00:01:13,655
Also, your foundation line
is visible.
31
00:01:13,724 --> 00:01:15,793
You look stupid.
- Oh!
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00:01:15,862 --> 00:01:18,551
Oh!
[groans]
33
00:01:18,620 --> 00:01:20,965
[groans]
- Why are you doing that?
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00:01:21,034 --> 00:01:23,965
- I have a clogged milk duct.
- Eww.
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00:01:24,034 --> 00:01:26,586
- "Eww" doesn't even begin
to cover it.
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00:01:26,655 --> 00:01:28,931
My jug is gonna ache
like a son-of-a-bitch
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00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:30,206
until I can massage it out.
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00:01:30,275 --> 00:01:32,793
Ugh, I'm so sore
I couldn't put a bra on.
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00:01:32,862 --> 00:01:34,275
- I thought they were
hanging low.
40
00:01:34,344 --> 00:01:36,034
- I'm exhausted.
41
00:01:36,103 --> 00:01:37,758
Hagatha's colicky so she's not
sleeping through the night.
42
00:01:37,827 --> 00:01:39,965
Work was supposed to be
a vacation, but instead
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00:01:40,034 --> 00:01:42,448
it's like I have two jobs
that severely underpay.
44
00:01:42,517 --> 00:01:44,241
- Why don't you hire
a night nurse?
45
00:01:44,310 --> 00:01:46,620
- No.
I feel guilty enough as it is
46
00:01:46,689 --> 00:01:48,344
leaving her during the day.
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00:01:48,413 --> 00:01:49,896
I'm not gonna have someone else
take care of her at night.
48
00:01:49,965 --> 00:01:51,310
- There's no shame
in accepting help, Deb.
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00:01:51,379 --> 00:01:52,758
- I said no.
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00:01:52,827 --> 00:01:54,896
I'd rather my post-partum
hair loss keep going
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00:01:54,965 --> 00:01:56,965
until I'm full bald.
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00:01:57,034 --> 00:01:59,689
- She doesn't have
the skull for it.
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00:01:59,758 --> 00:02:02,793
♪ ♪
54
00:02:02,862 --> 00:02:04,034
- Hey there, Baxter.
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00:02:04,103 --> 00:02:05,655
You gonna have your
woodworking project ready
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00:02:05,724 --> 00:02:07,413
for tonight's meeting?
- I'm Diego.
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00:02:07,482 --> 00:02:08,931
- Sorry, Diego.
58
00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:10,896
Forgot to put my contacts in
this morning.
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00:02:10,965 --> 00:02:12,655
Hey, Mikey, don't forget
you're doing
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00:02:12,724 --> 00:02:14,344
the flag ceremony tonight.
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00:02:14,413 --> 00:02:16,413
- That's Baxter.
62
00:02:16,482 --> 00:02:17,965
- Yep, nope, that sure is.
63
00:02:18,034 --> 00:02:19,103
Get out of here, guys.
64
00:02:19,172 --> 00:02:21,172
Come on, now.
[laughs]
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00:02:21,241 --> 00:02:23,724
Oh, hey there.
Wow, you're a tall one.
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00:02:23,793 --> 00:02:26,206
You enjoying the troop, buddy?
- What are you talking about?
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00:02:26,275 --> 00:02:28,413
I'm a woman.
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00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:30,793
- [mumbles]
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00:02:32,310 --> 00:02:33,689
Wow.
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00:02:33,758 --> 00:02:36,241
You certainly are.
- [laughs]
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00:02:36,310 --> 00:02:38,379
- Sorry, um, you must be
the new leader
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00:02:38,448 --> 00:02:40,000
of the Wilderness Gals.
- Mm-hmm.
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00:02:40,068 --> 00:02:42,275
- I'm Kyle, the leader
of the Wilderness Guys.
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00:02:42,344 --> 00:02:44,517
- Chelsea.
- I really like
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00:02:44,586 --> 00:02:46,965
what you've done
with your uniform.
76
00:02:47,034 --> 00:02:49,068
Wouldn't work for me.
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00:02:49,137 --> 00:02:50,965
Hairy chest.
- [laughing]
78
00:02:51,034 --> 00:02:52,551
- [laughing]
- Well, you know what
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00:02:52,620 --> 00:02:54,827
doesn't work for me
is this doorstop.
80
00:02:54,896 --> 00:02:56,448
This thing is a total waste
of time.
81
00:02:56,517 --> 00:02:58,551
Who cares about surviving
in the woods?
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00:02:58,620 --> 00:03:00,620
The trees just get turned
into toilet paper.
83
00:03:00,689 --> 00:03:02,137
- Well, actually,
some of those skills
84
00:03:02,206 --> 00:03:04,103
are really important.
You might not know this--
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00:03:04,172 --> 00:03:06,275
- Oh, please do not tell me
what I know and don't know.
86
00:03:06,344 --> 00:03:07,689
I already know
what I don't know.
87
00:03:07,758 --> 00:03:09,517
- What happened here?
- And thank you.
88
00:03:09,586 --> 00:03:11,724
Your mansplaining
just made me realize
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00:03:11,793 --> 00:03:14,931
that I need to teach my girls
true survival skills.
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00:03:15,758 --> 00:03:19,000
I am taking them
to the urban jungle.
91
00:03:19,068 --> 00:03:21,448
The mall.
[scoffs]
92
00:03:21,517 --> 00:03:23,551
[radical rock music]
93
00:03:23,620 --> 00:03:26,517
- If I'm using a simile,
94
00:03:26,586 --> 00:03:29,724
I'd say "My pain is like
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00:03:29,793 --> 00:03:32,068
the fire of a thousand suns."
96
00:03:32,137 --> 00:03:35,034
And if I'm using a metaphor,
97
00:03:35,103 --> 00:03:37,931
I would say "My pain is"--
98
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:40,034
[groans]
99
00:03:40,103 --> 00:03:42,275
[sighs]
Finally.
100
00:03:42,344 --> 00:03:44,241
[deep breathing]
101
00:03:44,310 --> 00:03:45,482
Sorry, guys.
102
00:03:45,551 --> 00:03:47,344
My head was in the clouds--
103
00:03:47,413 --> 00:03:48,965
which is both an idiom
104
00:03:49,034 --> 00:03:51,862
and a metaphor.
- Mrs. Adler?
105
00:03:51,931 --> 00:03:54,103
I think something is spilling
on your shirt
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00:03:54,172 --> 00:03:56,896
from the inside.
107
00:03:56,965 --> 00:03:59,000
- [gasps]
108
00:04:00,068 --> 00:04:02,517
- Not Jerry the Giraffe!
- It's the only thing
109
00:04:02,586 --> 00:04:04,482
in this classroom I can use!
110
00:04:04,551 --> 00:04:07,103
There's nothing for me here!
111
00:04:07,172 --> 00:04:10,137
This life is a prison!
112
00:04:11,275 --> 00:04:13,551
And that was a metaphor.
113
00:04:13,620 --> 00:04:15,896
♪ ♪
114
00:04:15,965 --> 00:04:18,413
- Well, Jessica, I'm sorry
your little brother ruined
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00:04:18,482 --> 00:04:21,862
your American Girl doll,
but don't take it personally.
116
00:04:21,931 --> 00:04:24,000
Toddlers just don't understand
what they can
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00:04:24,068 --> 00:04:26,310
and can't wipe with.
118
00:04:26,379 --> 00:04:27,827
Who would like to go next?
119
00:04:27,896 --> 00:04:30,379
Yes, Preston.
- We had a going-away party
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00:04:30,448 --> 00:04:31,724
for my math tutor.
121
00:04:31,793 --> 00:04:33,862
She got a job
as a girlfriend in Dubai.
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00:04:33,931 --> 00:04:35,724
- Dubai?
123
00:04:35,793 --> 00:04:37,965
That sounds pretty good.
- Then yesterday I went
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00:04:38,034 --> 00:04:40,000
to my father's polo match.
- Was the match
125
00:04:40,068 --> 00:04:41,448
at Crescent Ridge?
126
00:04:41,517 --> 00:04:43,241
I used to belong
to that country club!
127
00:04:43,310 --> 00:04:45,034
I had no idea you were rich.
128
00:04:45,103 --> 00:04:47,931
Tell me, does André
still work there?
129
00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:51,206
- Will he ever leave?
- [laughing]
130
00:04:52,965 --> 00:04:55,068
- You don't have to tell us
about your weekend, Ashley.
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00:04:55,137 --> 00:04:57,000
You went to a sleepover,
you have a dog,
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00:04:57,068 --> 00:04:58,000
blah, blah, blah.
133
00:04:58,068 --> 00:04:59,448
We know.
134
00:04:59,517 --> 00:05:01,965
So, your math tutor left.
135
00:05:02,034 --> 00:05:03,586
Are you still looking
for a new one?
136
00:05:03,655 --> 00:05:04,862
Because I could do it.
I could tutor you.
137
00:05:04,931 --> 00:05:06,034
We could do it
at Crescent Ridge.
138
00:05:06,103 --> 00:05:07,413
- That would be great.
139
00:05:07,482 --> 00:05:08,862
- Do they still have
a strict dress code?
140
00:05:08,931 --> 00:05:11,896
- Oh, yes.
- [sighs]
141
00:05:12,862 --> 00:05:14,965
Okay, everyone, announcement:
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00:05:15,034 --> 00:05:17,448
tomorrow, we are having
a clothing drive.
143
00:05:17,517 --> 00:05:20,413
Cashmere, silks, and furs only.
144
00:05:20,482 --> 00:05:21,758
And nothing older
than last season.
145
00:05:21,827 --> 00:05:24,448
That's just offensive.
146
00:05:24,517 --> 00:05:26,206
To the poor.
147
00:05:26,275 --> 00:05:29,206
[upbeat rock music]
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00:05:29,275 --> 00:05:34,413
♪ ♪
149
00:05:34,482 --> 00:05:37,448
- [laughing]
150
00:05:37,517 --> 00:05:40,586
[sobbing]
151
00:05:40,655 --> 00:05:42,379
Oh, don't look at me!
152
00:05:42,448 --> 00:05:44,586
I'm a monster!
- Oh, no.
153
00:05:44,655 --> 00:05:45,931
You're just tired.
154
00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:48,103
Once you get some rest
you'll feel better.
155
00:05:48,172 --> 00:05:49,862
- There's no rest!
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00:05:49,931 --> 00:05:52,862
Once I get home I've got
to cook something nutritious
157
00:05:52,931 --> 00:05:55,931
and clean like a thousand
bottle nipples
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00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:58,586
and, you know,
keep Hagatha alive.
159
00:05:58,655 --> 00:06:00,379
- I know you said
you didn't want any help,
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00:06:00,448 --> 00:06:01,793
but I'm not a nanny.
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00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,551
I'm a friend.
162
00:06:03,620 --> 00:06:05,517
A friend who used to be
a nanny.
163
00:06:05,586 --> 00:06:07,000
- I didn't know that.
- Yeah.
164
00:06:07,068 --> 00:06:10,344
How about I email you
my references?
165
00:06:10,413 --> 00:06:12,103
- Oh...
166
00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:15,448
- Why don't I help out
for a few hours after school?
167
00:06:15,517 --> 00:06:17,896
- [sniffles]
You know what?
168
00:06:17,965 --> 00:06:20,655
I don't know what dignity
I'm holding onto.
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00:06:20,724 --> 00:06:22,379
Sure.
[shaky laugh]
170
00:06:22,448 --> 00:06:25,275
[sniffles]
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00:06:25,344 --> 00:06:27,344
Where did that come from?
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00:06:27,413 --> 00:06:29,241
- Doesn't matter.
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00:06:29,310 --> 00:06:31,103
♪ ♪
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00:06:31,172 --> 00:06:33,344
- You are each receiving
a pamphlet written by moi...
175
00:06:33,413 --> 00:06:35,241
- Designed and photo-copied
by moi...
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00:06:35,310 --> 00:06:36,241
- Mary Louise.
- Sorry.
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00:06:36,310 --> 00:06:37,448
- You are only here to prove
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00:06:37,517 --> 00:06:39,827
that women can have
secretaries too.
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00:06:39,896 --> 00:06:42,620
This pamphlet contains
information on how to recognize
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00:06:42,689 --> 00:06:45,000
and survive sexism in the wild.
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00:06:45,068 --> 00:06:47,448
Every day, women are minimized,
degraded,
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00:06:47,517 --> 00:06:49,172
and condescended to.
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00:06:49,241 --> 00:06:51,206
Just look at what happened
to Anne Hathaway.
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00:06:51,275 --> 00:06:53,344
- Who's Anne Hathaway?
- Exactly.
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00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:56,034
Today, as we walk through
the mall, we will identify
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00:06:56,103 --> 00:06:58,413
any forms of sexism
you see at play.
187
00:06:58,482 --> 00:07:00,517
Follow me.
188
00:07:00,586 --> 00:07:02,896
[gasps]
Shh.
189
00:07:02,965 --> 00:07:04,068
We don't want to disrupt
190
00:07:04,137 --> 00:07:06,068
the natural interaction
of things.
191
00:07:06,137 --> 00:07:08,275
- Oh, boy, hope your husband's
sitting down when he sees
192
00:07:08,344 --> 00:07:10,137
this bill.
- [gasps]
193
00:07:10,206 --> 00:07:12,275
Wilderness Gals, what is this
an example of?
194
00:07:12,344 --> 00:07:15,068
- Friendly banter.
- Mary Louise, no.
195
00:07:15,137 --> 00:07:16,965
- Stereotyping?
- That's right!
196
00:07:17,034 --> 00:07:18,965
Congrats to my girl Tiffany!
197
00:07:19,034 --> 00:07:21,586
You just earned your
"Gender Stereotyping" badge.
198
00:07:21,655 --> 00:07:22,862
[giggles]
199
00:07:22,931 --> 00:07:24,034
Ooh!
200
00:07:24,103 --> 00:07:26,103
both: Ooh!
201
00:07:26,172 --> 00:07:28,103
Ooh!
202
00:07:28,172 --> 00:07:30,931
- Girls, sexist jokes
like these are made by men
203
00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:33,103
of all ages and sizes--
204
00:07:33,172 --> 00:07:36,137
including this moron,
who has a butterface.
205
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:40,379
Excuse me--
a "but-his-face."
206
00:07:40,448 --> 00:07:42,413
Moving on.
207
00:07:45,137 --> 00:07:47,379
[radical rock music]
208
00:07:47,448 --> 00:07:48,896
- Oh, my God.
209
00:07:48,965 --> 00:07:51,137
Whose house is this?
- Hey, hun.
210
00:07:51,206 --> 00:07:52,310
Can you believe it?
211
00:07:52,379 --> 00:07:53,758
And Cecelia did the laundry!
212
00:07:53,827 --> 00:07:55,310
It turns out the machine
wasn't broken.
213
00:07:55,379 --> 00:07:57,793
I was just turning the knob
in the wrong direction.
214
00:07:57,862 --> 00:07:59,241
[chuckles]
- Welcome home.
215
00:07:59,310 --> 00:08:00,827
- It's so clean.
216
00:08:00,896 --> 00:08:02,344
You're a miracle worker.
217
00:08:02,413 --> 00:08:05,206
I've been wearing swim bottoms
as underwear for a week.
218
00:08:05,275 --> 00:08:06,655
I've got it from here.
219
00:08:06,724 --> 00:08:07,793
There must be dirty bottles
somewhere.
220
00:08:07,862 --> 00:08:09,482
- Already done and put away.
221
00:08:09,551 --> 00:08:12,172
I find menial tasks meditative.
222
00:08:12,241 --> 00:08:13,517
- Thank you.
223
00:08:13,586 --> 00:08:15,275
I'm speechless.
[baby fussing]
224
00:08:15,344 --> 00:08:18,068
- Oh, no, no, no, Deb.
I got her.
225
00:08:18,137 --> 00:08:19,172
Hi.
226
00:08:19,241 --> 00:08:22,172
♪ I love you more than anyone ♪
227
00:08:22,241 --> 00:08:25,206
♪ In the whole wide world ♪
228
00:08:25,275 --> 00:08:26,655
- [laughs]
229
00:08:26,724 --> 00:08:30,137
- ♪ In the whole wide world ♪
230
00:08:30,206 --> 00:08:33,827
♪ No one loves you more
than me ♪
231
00:08:33,896 --> 00:08:35,724
- She's really taken to you,
Cecelia.
232
00:08:35,793 --> 00:08:38,172
[laughs]
- Thanks, Cecelia.
233
00:08:38,241 --> 00:08:40,379
I got her.
234
00:08:40,448 --> 00:08:41,896
- [sighs]
Yeah.
235
00:08:41,965 --> 00:08:44,034
I should get going.
236
00:08:44,103 --> 00:08:46,344
You want to come home
with your Aunt Cecelia.
237
00:08:46,413 --> 00:08:47,931
Yes, you do.
238
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:49,862
You tell your mommy
you're coming home with me.
239
00:08:49,931 --> 00:08:52,000
You tell her.
- Well, she can't
240
00:08:52,068 --> 00:08:53,517
'cause she doesn't speak,
241
00:08:53,586 --> 00:08:56,206
so... bye.
242
00:08:56,275 --> 00:08:58,655
[dramatic flair]
243
00:08:58,724 --> 00:09:00,827
- God, she is a dream, right?
244
00:09:00,896 --> 00:09:05,241
♪ ♪
245
00:09:05,310 --> 00:09:08,000
- Today, we are in the belly
of the beast:
246
00:09:08,068 --> 00:09:09,758
the hardware section.
- Ooh.
247
00:09:09,827 --> 00:09:11,517
Where's
Tim "The Toolman" Taylor?
248
00:09:11,586 --> 00:09:15,034
Oh, oh, oh!
- Mary Louise, knock it off.
249
00:09:15,103 --> 00:09:17,793
No other location in history
has been more inhospitable
250
00:09:17,862 --> 00:09:20,137
to women--
besides Matt Lauer's office.
251
00:09:20,206 --> 00:09:22,655
Ladies, consult your pamphlets,
as we are about to see
252
00:09:22,724 --> 00:09:25,827
some extremely toxic behavior.
253
00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:29,137
Excuse me.
254
00:09:29,206 --> 00:09:30,965
- What can I help you with,
sweetheart?
255
00:09:31,034 --> 00:09:33,827
- I need a circular saw.
- Actually, you're gonna want
256
00:09:33,896 --> 00:09:35,862
to go with a table saw.
257
00:09:35,931 --> 00:09:38,241
It's a lot less skill required
and it's easier
258
00:09:38,310 --> 00:09:40,758
for someone like you
to operate it.
259
00:09:40,827 --> 00:09:43,068
- Girls.
- Mansplaining, two counts.
260
00:09:43,137 --> 00:09:44,758
He doesn't know
your expertise level
261
00:09:44,827 --> 00:09:46,758
and he used
the word "actually."
262
00:09:46,827 --> 00:09:47,827
- Yes, Nancy.
263
00:09:47,896 --> 00:09:51,137
Mary Louise, badge her.
264
00:09:51,206 --> 00:09:52,586
[vocalizing]
265
00:09:52,655 --> 00:09:54,379
[giggles]
This is something
266
00:09:54,448 --> 00:09:56,068
you'll have to endure
your entire lives
267
00:09:56,137 --> 00:09:59,379
whether you're in an Uber,
a Jiffy Lube, or Congress.
268
00:09:59,448 --> 00:10:02,034
Moving on.
269
00:10:02,103 --> 00:10:04,517
- Bye.
270
00:10:04,586 --> 00:10:07,482
[snooty music]
271
00:10:07,551 --> 00:10:08,758
♪ ♪
272
00:10:08,827 --> 00:10:10,896
- Oh, why thank you.
273
00:10:10,965 --> 00:10:12,517
And keep 'em coming.
274
00:10:12,586 --> 00:10:14,310
[whispering]
I'm back.
275
00:10:14,379 --> 00:10:15,689
- Hey, Ms. Watson.
276
00:10:15,758 --> 00:10:17,689
We can set up over there
by the veranda.
277
00:10:17,758 --> 00:10:20,275
- Okay.
- Caroline Watson.
278
00:10:20,344 --> 00:10:21,724
Oh!
279
00:10:21,793 --> 00:10:24,068
I haven't seen you in forever.
280
00:10:24,137 --> 00:10:26,551
I thought you were dead.
- [laughs]
281
00:10:26,620 --> 00:10:27,655
Not dead, Lil.
282
00:10:27,724 --> 00:10:29,689
Alive and loving it.
283
00:10:29,758 --> 00:10:31,103
I'm sorry I haven't
been around.
284
00:10:31,172 --> 00:10:33,310
I've just been so busy lately.
285
00:10:33,379 --> 00:10:35,206
- Mimi said your funds
were all tied up
286
00:10:35,275 --> 00:10:36,862
in your father's trial
and you couldn't afford
287
00:10:36,931 --> 00:10:40,034
this place anymore.
- [laughs]
288
00:10:40,103 --> 00:10:41,551
Whaaat?
289
00:10:41,620 --> 00:10:44,482
- Well, as luck would have it,
we are down a fourth
290
00:10:44,551 --> 00:10:45,896
at our bridge table.
291
00:10:45,965 --> 00:10:48,344
Care to pop on?
- Would I ever.
292
00:10:48,413 --> 00:10:50,931
- Caroline's in!
293
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:52,758
- What about
my tutoring session?
294
00:10:52,827 --> 00:10:53,758
- Not now, kid.
295
00:10:53,827 --> 00:10:55,689
I need this.
296
00:10:55,758 --> 00:10:57,655
♪ ♪
297
00:10:57,724 --> 00:10:59,965
- Hey, can I be really dumb
for a second?
298
00:11:00,034 --> 00:11:01,931
- Of course.
Chelsea's dumb all the time
299
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:03,620
and that never stops her
from talking.
300
00:11:03,689 --> 00:11:05,689
- [gasps]
301
00:11:05,758 --> 00:11:07,586
- Cecelia's been really helpful
302
00:11:07,655 --> 00:11:09,379
but she keeps singing
to Hagatha
303
00:11:09,448 --> 00:11:11,827
that she loves her more
than anyone else in the world
304
00:11:11,896 --> 00:11:13,896
and calling her "my baby."
305
00:11:13,965 --> 00:11:17,206
It's kind of creeping me out.
- Oh, that's totally normal.
306
00:11:17,275 --> 00:11:19,965
My au pair used to call me
"ma petite enfante."
307
00:11:20,034 --> 00:11:21,724
- Yeah, I wouldn't worry.
When I was at the mall
308
00:11:21,793 --> 00:11:23,310
with Chelsea, I told
three different babies
309
00:11:23,379 --> 00:11:26,482
I'd eat them right up,
but I'd never eat a baby.
310
00:11:26,551 --> 00:11:28,827
- Yeah, yeah, you're--
you're probably right.
311
00:11:28,896 --> 00:11:31,000
I'm just so tired
it's hard to tell
312
00:11:31,068 --> 00:11:33,068
what's real anymore.
- Hey!
313
00:11:33,137 --> 00:11:35,034
I've been thinking
about Hag all day.
314
00:11:35,103 --> 00:11:36,517
Can't wait to see
my baby tonight.
315
00:11:36,586 --> 00:11:38,827
I got her a new passie.
316
00:11:41,965 --> 00:11:43,586
- I watch a lot
of Lifetime movies--
317
00:11:43,655 --> 00:11:46,068
never let a woman in a caftan
take a power position
318
00:11:46,137 --> 00:11:47,413
in your home.
They'll end up sleeping
319
00:11:47,482 --> 00:11:49,413
with your husband,
nursing your baby,
320
00:11:49,482 --> 00:11:51,827
and killing you.
321
00:11:53,137 --> 00:11:56,275
[sinister children's music]
322
00:11:56,344 --> 00:11:59,310
♪ ♪
323
00:11:59,379 --> 00:12:01,827
[bell ringing]
324
00:12:01,896 --> 00:12:03,034
- Ms. Watson?
325
00:12:03,103 --> 00:12:04,655
I won't need you
to tutor me anymore.
326
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:07,931
I applied to Chiswell Academy
and my mom says I'm a shoe-in.
327
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:09,620
- Oh.
328
00:12:09,689 --> 00:12:11,172
Well, congratulations, Preston.
329
00:12:11,241 --> 00:12:14,310
This an excellent school.
330
00:12:17,620 --> 00:12:19,206
[devious music]
331
00:12:19,275 --> 00:12:21,413
I just wanted to call and say
that I think Preston
332
00:12:21,482 --> 00:12:24,172
would be a wonderful addition
to Chiswell.
333
00:12:24,241 --> 00:12:26,275
He's made such great strides
this year.
334
00:12:26,344 --> 00:12:28,620
He hasn't bitten me in so long
that you can barely see
335
00:12:28,689 --> 00:12:30,931
the scars, and it's been
at least two weeks
336
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:32,931
since he's defecated
out of anger.
337
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:36,724
The time-out cage
has been a godsend.
338
00:12:36,793 --> 00:12:39,551
I'd recommend a Taser, though.
339
00:12:39,620 --> 00:12:40,965
[funky rock music]
340
00:12:41,034 --> 00:12:44,172
- Okay, my queens,
it's time to accessorize.
341
00:12:44,241 --> 00:12:46,206
- Chelsea, I've learned
so much this week
342
00:12:46,275 --> 00:12:48,137
and, well, I was
just wondering--
343
00:12:48,206 --> 00:12:50,034
- You can take a badge.
- [squeals]
344
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:52,724
- Uh, girls--girls, please.
345
00:12:52,793 --> 00:12:54,137
Play nice, all right?
346
00:12:54,206 --> 00:12:56,310
All this running around's
not very ladylike.
347
00:12:56,379 --> 00:12:57,931
- [gasps]
348
00:12:58,000 --> 00:12:59,758
What kind of sexism was that?
349
00:12:59,827 --> 00:13:01,655
- Um, nothing?
350
00:13:01,724 --> 00:13:02,931
It came from a woman.
351
00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:04,586
Women can't be sexist.
- Wrong.
352
00:13:04,655 --> 00:13:06,793
Menopause Molly's comment
was a micro-aggression,
353
00:13:06,862 --> 00:13:09,551
and a perfect example
of internalized misogyny.
354
00:13:09,620 --> 00:13:10,862
- [scoffs]
- Maybe the worst offense
355
00:13:10,931 --> 00:13:12,586
of all.
- How dare you.
356
00:13:12,655 --> 00:13:13,965
- How dare you?
357
00:13:14,034 --> 00:13:15,206
Why don't you go up
to Eileen Fisher?
358
00:13:15,275 --> 00:13:16,689
I think it's on
the fourth floor.
359
00:13:16,758 --> 00:13:18,068
[girls giggle]
Ma'am.
360
00:13:18,137 --> 00:13:19,793
- Ow.
- [gasps]
361
00:13:19,862 --> 00:13:20,793
- My ankle.
- Oh, no.
362
00:13:20,862 --> 00:13:21,827
Nancy, are you okay?
363
00:13:21,896 --> 00:13:24,206
Can you put weight on it?
364
00:13:24,275 --> 00:13:26,896
- No, it hurts worse
than the micro-aggressions!
365
00:13:26,965 --> 00:13:28,620
- Oh, no.
- What do we do?
366
00:13:28,689 --> 00:13:30,310
- I don't know, Tiffany.
I don't know.
367
00:13:30,379 --> 00:13:32,206
- We should have brought
the Wilderness Gals manual!
368
00:13:32,275 --> 00:13:33,793
- Well, we didn't!
It's at my apartment
369
00:13:33,862 --> 00:13:35,103
stretching out my Caché tops.
370
00:13:35,172 --> 00:13:36,655
Everyone stop panicking!
371
00:13:36,724 --> 00:13:38,724
- If she can't stand on it,
it might be broken.
372
00:13:38,793 --> 00:13:41,241
- Mansplainer!
- Uh, actually, I'm a doctor.
373
00:13:41,310 --> 00:13:42,793
- Enough with the "actuallys"!
374
00:13:42,862 --> 00:13:44,689
- I really think you need
to get her to a hospital--
375
00:13:44,758 --> 00:13:46,827
- Yeah, no means no, so go.
376
00:13:46,896 --> 00:13:48,206
girls: Yeah.
- Damn it.
377
00:13:48,275 --> 00:13:50,413
Okay.
Think, Chelsea, think.
378
00:13:50,482 --> 00:13:51,965
[gasps]
379
00:13:52,034 --> 00:13:53,793
[dramatic music]
380
00:13:53,862 --> 00:13:55,517
[screams]
Oh, yes.
381
00:13:55,586 --> 00:13:58,413
[girls murmuring]
- Oh, my gosh.
382
00:13:58,482 --> 00:13:59,896
- I've got this!
383
00:13:59,965 --> 00:14:01,413
There we go.
- [weeping]
384
00:14:01,482 --> 00:14:03,793
- I've got you, girl!
- Yes, Chelsea, yes.
385
00:14:03,862 --> 00:14:06,620
- [weeping]
- Oh, my gosh.
386
00:14:06,689 --> 00:14:08,931
She's amazing.
387
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:10,310
- There.
388
00:14:10,379 --> 00:14:11,862
I did it.
389
00:14:11,931 --> 00:14:14,275
It's a splint!
[laughing]
390
00:14:14,344 --> 00:14:16,758
- That's my little girl.
391
00:14:16,827 --> 00:14:18,551
Good girl, good girl.
392
00:14:18,620 --> 00:14:20,689
- Oh, my God!
393
00:14:20,758 --> 00:14:22,551
Are you breastfeeding my baby?
394
00:14:22,620 --> 00:14:24,137
- What?
No, of course not.
395
00:14:24,206 --> 00:14:26,482
I was just holding her.
- I'm sorry.
396
00:14:26,551 --> 00:14:28,827
I think I just need a moment.
397
00:14:28,896 --> 00:14:31,206
[sinister music]
398
00:14:31,275 --> 00:14:34,448
[breathing heavily]
399
00:14:35,344 --> 00:14:38,172
Pull it together, Deb.
400
00:14:41,275 --> 00:14:43,827
Hey, Cecelia, I apologize--
401
00:14:43,896 --> 00:14:45,689
♪ ♪
402
00:14:45,758 --> 00:14:46,896
Cecelia?
403
00:14:46,965 --> 00:14:48,586
Cecelia! Cecelia!
404
00:14:48,655 --> 00:14:52,068
Give me back my baby!
405
00:14:52,137 --> 00:14:53,551
- We were just getting
some fresh air.
406
00:14:53,620 --> 00:14:55,655
But if you prefer, we can
stay in and watch a movie.
407
00:14:55,724 --> 00:14:57,724
- Yes!
408
00:14:57,793 --> 00:15:00,551
That would be great.
- I think "Risky Business"
409
00:15:00,620 --> 00:15:01,551
is on Netflix.
410
00:15:01,620 --> 00:15:04,103
I just love
Rebecca De Mornay.
411
00:15:04,172 --> 00:15:07,344
♪ I love you more
than anyone ♪
412
00:15:07,413 --> 00:15:10,896
[echoing]
♪ In the whole wide world ♪
413
00:15:10,965 --> 00:15:15,206
♪ In the whole wide world ♪
414
00:15:18,413 --> 00:15:20,586
- After the incident
at Helm's Department Store,
415
00:15:20,655 --> 00:15:23,620
it has come to my attention
that while we are "rock stars"
416
00:15:23,689 --> 00:15:25,655
at identifying
problematic behavior,
417
00:15:25,724 --> 00:15:28,482
we do need to learn
other survival skills.
418
00:15:28,551 --> 00:15:30,241
So today I'm gonna show you
how to start a fire
419
00:15:30,310 --> 00:15:32,586
using the mirror from your
Urban Decay eye palette.
420
00:15:32,655 --> 00:15:34,862
- Actually,
that's not effective.
421
00:15:34,931 --> 00:15:37,172
I knew girls couldn't
do anything without makeup.
422
00:15:37,241 --> 00:15:39,413
- Hey, cut it out.
- Mansplaining!
423
00:15:39,482 --> 00:15:41,551
What you just said
was condescending.
424
00:15:41,620 --> 00:15:43,241
And let me tell you
why you shouldn't talk
425
00:15:43,310 --> 00:15:45,586
to women that way.
- Calm down, okay?
426
00:15:45,655 --> 00:15:47,103
- Are you kidding me?
427
00:15:47,172 --> 00:15:49,172
Oh, I am not calming down.
- Wow, these girls
428
00:15:49,241 --> 00:15:50,551
really know how to stand up
for themselves.
429
00:15:50,620 --> 00:15:52,620
Whatever you're doing,
it's working.
430
00:15:52,689 --> 00:15:55,137
- Did you hear I made a splint
using a high heel?
431
00:15:55,206 --> 00:15:57,448
- Hmm.
- I'm basically a hot MacGyver.
432
00:15:57,517 --> 00:15:59,206
- MacGyver rocks.
He's the reason
433
00:15:59,275 --> 00:16:01,620
I started traveling
with duct tape.
434
00:16:01,689 --> 00:16:02,931
- Hey, girl.
435
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:05,482
Aww, how's your ankle?
- It was broken.
436
00:16:05,551 --> 00:16:07,206
The doctor said if I would have
walked around
437
00:16:07,275 --> 00:16:09,000
in that splint you made,
it would have caused
438
00:16:09,068 --> 00:16:11,137
permanent damage.
- Maybe just read
439
00:16:11,206 --> 00:16:12,689
the first aid part
of the manual.
440
00:16:12,758 --> 00:16:15,068
- Yeah, okay.
441
00:16:15,137 --> 00:16:16,620
♪ ♪
442
00:16:16,689 --> 00:16:18,034
- Bye, Ms. Watson.
443
00:16:18,103 --> 00:16:19,689
It's been great having you
as a teacher.
444
00:16:19,758 --> 00:16:22,310
- Wait, did you get
into Chiswell?
445
00:16:22,379 --> 00:16:25,172
- No, but my mom's
pulling me out of Fillmore
446
00:16:25,241 --> 00:16:27,793
because she heard
I had behavioral issues.
447
00:16:27,862 --> 00:16:29,758
- Oh.
- Meh, it's probably
448
00:16:29,827 --> 00:16:31,068
for the best.
449
00:16:31,137 --> 00:16:33,137
I can't relate
to the kids here anyway.
450
00:16:33,206 --> 00:16:35,344
- Wait, Preston, you can't go.
451
00:16:35,413 --> 00:16:36,551
Can we at least keep in touch?
452
00:16:36,620 --> 00:16:38,344
I could visit you
at Crescent Ridge.
453
00:16:38,413 --> 00:16:39,827
- I don't think so.
454
00:16:39,896 --> 00:16:41,379
My dad says it's best
to keep your distance
455
00:16:41,448 --> 00:16:43,586
from the help.
- [gasps]
456
00:16:43,655 --> 00:16:47,103
♪ ♪
457
00:16:47,172 --> 00:16:50,379
[thunder rumbling]
458
00:16:53,103 --> 00:16:54,551
- [gasps]
459
00:16:54,620 --> 00:16:56,482
- Door was open,
so I let myself in.
460
00:16:56,551 --> 00:16:58,379
I figured you could use
some help overnight
461
00:16:58,448 --> 00:17:00,034
since she's been so fussy
with the colic.
462
00:17:00,103 --> 00:17:02,241
Let me take her.
- No.
463
00:17:02,310 --> 00:17:04,724
No.
[whimpering]
464
00:17:04,793 --> 00:17:06,620
- Not another word.
465
00:17:06,689 --> 00:17:09,931
Now, you go take
a nice long nap.
466
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:12,931
[foreboding music]
467
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,206
♪ ♪
468
00:17:15,275 --> 00:17:18,206
[thunder crashing]
469
00:17:18,275 --> 00:17:24,241
♪ ♪
470
00:17:24,310 --> 00:17:27,241
[sinister music]
471
00:17:27,310 --> 00:17:31,172
♪ ♪
472
00:17:31,241 --> 00:17:33,241
- Hello, I'm calling
for a reference
473
00:17:33,310 --> 00:17:36,137
for your former nanny,
Cecelia Cannon.
474
00:17:36,206 --> 00:17:38,103
♪ ♪
475
00:17:38,172 --> 00:17:39,655
What do you mean,
you've never had a nanny
476
00:17:39,724 --> 00:17:41,517
by that name?
477
00:17:41,586 --> 00:17:43,655
"Cecelia Cannon."
478
00:17:43,724 --> 00:17:45,310
You don't know her?
479
00:17:45,379 --> 00:17:47,379
You've never heard of her?
480
00:17:47,448 --> 00:17:50,241
But she has you listed
as a reference!
481
00:17:50,310 --> 00:17:53,758
[thunder crashes]
482
00:17:53,827 --> 00:17:54,758
Hello?
483
00:17:54,827 --> 00:17:57,068
[shaky breathing]
484
00:17:57,137 --> 00:18:02,827
♪ ♪
485
00:18:02,896 --> 00:18:04,793
[whimpering]
486
00:18:04,862 --> 00:18:08,689
♪ ♪
487
00:18:08,758 --> 00:18:09,862
[both laughing]
488
00:18:09,931 --> 00:18:11,827
- You're not gonna take over
my life,
489
00:18:11,896 --> 00:18:13,482
you psychotic bitch!
490
00:18:13,551 --> 00:18:16,689
- What are you talking about?
- Oh, my God!
491
00:18:16,758 --> 00:18:18,137
You're fucking her!
492
00:18:18,206 --> 00:18:19,620
[screaming]
493
00:18:19,689 --> 00:18:22,793
- [choking]
- [growling]
494
00:18:22,862 --> 00:18:24,620
♪ ♪
495
00:18:24,689 --> 00:18:25,655
- Deb?
496
00:18:25,724 --> 00:18:28,344
Hey, Deb?
Deb, you awake?
497
00:18:29,413 --> 00:18:30,793
- What happened?
- You fell asleep
498
00:18:30,862 --> 00:18:32,620
while you were trying
to choke out Cecelia.
499
00:18:32,689 --> 00:18:34,620
- But she was wearing
my clothes, and none
500
00:18:34,689 --> 00:18:36,724
of her references
had ever heard of her.
501
00:18:36,793 --> 00:18:38,620
- I--I just got her
some of your old clothes
502
00:18:38,689 --> 00:18:40,275
'cause she was soaking wet.
- And I probably
503
00:18:40,344 --> 00:18:41,758
should have mentioned--
back when I nannied,
504
00:18:41,827 --> 00:18:43,896
I went by my Sanskrit name,
Bhakti.
505
00:18:43,965 --> 00:18:45,931
- [exclaims]
506
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,068
I am so sorry, Cecelia.
507
00:18:48,137 --> 00:18:50,137
I can't believe I went all
"Hand That Rocks the Cradle"
508
00:18:50,206 --> 00:18:53,310
on you.
- You know, maybe we should
509
00:18:53,379 --> 00:18:55,172
consider getting a night nurse.
510
00:18:55,241 --> 00:18:56,655
- You know what?
511
00:18:56,724 --> 00:18:58,344
That sounds great.
512
00:18:58,413 --> 00:19:00,827
I do need help.
- Yeah, I can prostitute
513
00:19:00,896 --> 00:19:02,655
my talents, pick up
some wedding gigs
514
00:19:02,724 --> 00:19:04,896
so we can afford it.
- Aww, thanks, babe.
515
00:19:04,965 --> 00:19:08,379
[mock-whimpers]
Are you okay, Cecelia?
516
00:19:08,448 --> 00:19:10,068
I went at you pretty hard.
517
00:19:10,137 --> 00:19:11,517
- Yeah, I'm fine!
518
00:19:11,586 --> 00:19:14,103
I may not be able to eat
solid foods for a few days
519
00:19:14,172 --> 00:19:16,379
but it's okay!
520
00:19:19,206 --> 00:19:20,241
- Okay, let's review.
- Okay.
521
00:19:20,310 --> 00:19:22,206
- "How do you neutralize
a snake bite?"
522
00:19:22,275 --> 00:19:25,379
- With my own urine.
- No.
523
00:19:25,448 --> 00:19:28,620
"How do you relieve the pain
from a jellyfish sting?"
524
00:19:28,689 --> 00:19:32,172
- With my own urine.
- No again.
525
00:19:32,241 --> 00:19:35,000
Ah.
"In the absence of water,
526
00:19:35,068 --> 00:19:37,620
how can you hydrate yourself?"
527
00:19:37,689 --> 00:19:39,206
- With my own urine!
- Yes!
528
00:19:39,275 --> 00:19:40,793
- [screams]
529
00:19:40,862 --> 00:19:42,241
[moans]
530
00:19:42,310 --> 00:19:44,137
Oh, thank you so much
for helping me.
531
00:19:44,206 --> 00:19:46,517
You're such a hot, sexy,
532
00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:48,206
wilderness man...
- Uh-huh.
533
00:19:48,275 --> 00:19:51,000
- Who is so smart...
- [muffled exclamations]
534
00:19:51,068 --> 00:19:53,137
[both moaning]
535
00:19:53,206 --> 00:19:55,103
- I'm into this,
but for some reason
536
00:19:55,172 --> 00:19:56,965
I really have to pee.
- Oh.
537
00:19:57,034 --> 00:19:59,896
- Okay.
- [clears throat]
538
00:19:59,965 --> 00:20:01,586
Well.
539
00:20:01,655 --> 00:20:03,965
- Actually, that was so good
I don't want to wait.
540
00:20:04,034 --> 00:20:05,931
[both moaning]
541
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,379
[radical music]
542
00:20:08,793 --> 00:20:11,379
[Raphael Lake's
"Teach Ya"]
543
00:20:11,448 --> 00:20:12,827
- ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪
544
00:20:12,896 --> 00:20:15,068
♪ La-la-la-la ♪
545
00:20:15,137 --> 00:20:17,448
♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪
546
00:20:17,517 --> 00:20:20,068
♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪
547
00:20:20,137 --> 00:20:21,413
♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪
548
00:20:21,482 --> 00:20:23,206
♪ I'm gonna teach ya ♪
549
00:20:23,275 --> 00:20:25,379
♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪
550
00:20:25,448 --> 00:20:30,034
♪ Give what you need ah ♪
551
00:20:30,103 --> 00:20:33,448
♪ Said I'm gonna teach ya ♪
38155
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