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1
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[rock music]
2
00:00:10,900 --> 00:00:13,000
*
3
00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:16,300
- Alexander Hamilton was
one of the Founding Fathers
4
00:00:16,300 --> 00:00:17,500
of the United States.
[phone jingles]
5
00:00:17,500 --> 00:00:21,133
- Hello?
Yes, this is she.
6
00:00:21,133 --> 00:00:22,833
No, I'm not doing
anything important.
7
00:00:22,833 --> 00:00:25,333
- He was the first
Secretary of the Treasury.
8
00:00:25,333 --> 00:00:27,333
- Ashley, what are the rules?
9
00:00:27,333 --> 00:00:30,333
No talking when Ms. Snap
is on a personal call.
10
00:00:30,333 --> 00:00:32,500
Now what was that?
11
00:00:32,500 --> 00:00:35,167
I won the Golden Pencil
Teaching Award?
12
00:00:35,167 --> 00:00:37,500
Are you effing serious?
13
00:00:37,500 --> 00:00:40,233
Oh, my God, this must be
what if feels like
14
00:00:40,233 --> 00:00:42,400
to win the First Impression
rose. [laughs gleefully]
15
00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:44,367
Uh, yes, yes, I am still here.
16
00:00:44,367 --> 00:00:47,033
- What about my report on
Alexander Hamilton?
17
00:00:47,033 --> 00:00:48,367
- Ashley, Ms. Snap just won
18
00:00:48,367 --> 00:00:50,300
the highest teaching honor
in the world.
19
00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:52,633
No one cares about some dead guy
who wrote a musical.
20
00:00:52,633 --> 00:00:53,633
[scoffs]
21
00:00:53,633 --> 00:00:55,433
I am amazing!
22
00:00:55,433 --> 00:01:00,067
- Congratulations again on
this incredible honor, Ms. Snap.
23
00:01:00,067 --> 00:01:01,700
And that, my little duderinos,
24
00:01:01,700 --> 00:01:04,800
is how you pull off
an epic April Fools prank.
25
00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:06,833
- But you didn't say,
"April Fools."
26
00:01:06,833 --> 00:01:09,767
- Patience, young Rodney.
Ms. F. likes her pranks
27
00:01:09,767 --> 00:01:12,433
like her Taco Bell
Smothered Burritos.
28
00:01:12,433 --> 00:01:15,167
She lets 'em
marinate for awhile.
29
00:01:15,167 --> 00:01:17,500
- Whoo!
30
00:01:17,500 --> 00:01:19,767
- See?
Marinating.
31
00:01:19,767 --> 00:01:20,967
[rock music]
32
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- * Tear it down
33
00:01:23,367 --> 00:01:24,933
* Tear it down
34
00:01:24,933 --> 00:01:28,200
- Feldman, your April Fools
jokes are so bogus.
35
00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:29,700
- You need to tell Chelsea
the truth.
36
00:01:29,700 --> 00:01:31,533
She's gonna think
she's good at her job,
37
00:01:31,533 --> 00:01:33,300
and that's just not fair
to her students.
38
00:01:33,300 --> 00:01:34,833
- That would ruin it.
39
00:01:34,833 --> 00:01:37,700
Be like giving away the ending
of "The Sixth Sense,"
40
00:01:37,700 --> 00:01:40,367
you know, that Bruce Willis
is a pedophile.
41
00:01:40,367 --> 00:01:42,967
- He's not a pedophile.
He's dead.
42
00:01:42,967 --> 00:01:44,933
- Oh...
43
00:01:44,933 --> 00:01:48,533
Oh, that's why his wife
won't talk to him.
44
00:01:48,533 --> 00:01:50,067
- Everybody, shut up!
[giggles]
45
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- [plays kazoo]
46
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Ladies and gentlemen,
47
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may I present to you
the beautiful and the bold,
48
00:01:56,567 --> 00:01:59,233
the bold and the beautiful,
my best friend--
49
00:01:59,233 --> 00:02:00,767
- Oh, my God.
- Okay.
50
00:02:00,767 --> 00:02:03,467
- I won the Golden Pencil Award.
I'm so excited.
51
00:02:03,467 --> 00:02:05,733
I am taking out a full-page
congratulations ad
52
00:02:05,733 --> 00:02:07,400
in "The Chicagoland Gazette."
53
00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:09,333
- That costs a lot of money.
54
00:02:09,333 --> 00:02:12,067
- Yeah, you might wanna
pump the brakes on--
55
00:02:12,067 --> 00:02:13,367
- Good morning!
56
00:02:13,367 --> 00:02:15,533
Oh, good, I'm so glad
you're all here.
57
00:02:15,533 --> 00:02:18,233
I have some exciting news
to share.
58
00:02:18,233 --> 00:02:21,300
It has been 767 days
59
00:02:21,300 --> 00:02:22,933
and nearly as many
tear-filled nights
60
00:02:22,933 --> 00:02:25,267
since I've been able to
say this, but...
61
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I have a boyfriend!
62
00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:29,733
[gasps, chatter]
- Oh, my God, get it, girl!
63
00:02:29,733 --> 00:02:32,100
- It feels so good
to say that again.
64
00:02:32,100 --> 00:02:33,433
- Who's the lucky fella?
65
00:02:33,433 --> 00:02:34,733
- Toby.
- [coughs]
66
00:02:34,733 --> 00:02:37,167
- Wait, what?
- Principal Pearson?
67
00:02:37,167 --> 00:02:39,433
- Mm-hmm.
- Are you serious?
68
00:02:39,433 --> 00:02:40,867
- I know it may come as a shock,
69
00:02:40,867 --> 00:02:43,133
but we both have been spending
a lot of time together,
70
00:02:43,133 --> 00:02:45,400
and we really like each other.
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00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:46,800
- Dude, no offense,
72
00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:49,333
but I didn't even know
that guy had a dick.
73
00:02:49,333 --> 00:02:51,933
- It doesn't matter
if Toby has a dick or not.
74
00:02:51,933 --> 00:02:54,333
Caroline, we're all really happy
for you.
75
00:02:54,333 --> 00:02:56,200
- Thank you.
76
00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:57,733
I normally wouldn't
kiss and tell,
77
00:02:57,733 --> 00:03:01,633
but this feels selfish
to only share with my diary.
78
00:03:01,633 --> 00:03:06,233
It is the most amazing sex
I have ever had.
79
00:03:06,233 --> 00:03:07,633
He's incredible.
80
00:03:07,633 --> 00:03:10,367
This morning, he literally
banged my headband right off.
81
00:03:10,367 --> 00:03:12,633
- Oh, no, God, stop.
- Holy balls.
82
00:03:12,633 --> 00:03:14,933
- Good morning, ladies.
83
00:03:17,100 --> 00:03:19,400
How are you all doing today?
84
00:03:23,367 --> 00:03:25,667
Lovely day outside, isn't it?
85
00:03:29,067 --> 00:03:30,633
All right then.
86
00:03:30,633 --> 00:03:32,900
Caroline...
- Hm?
87
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- You left this
in the backseat of my Subaru.
88
00:03:38,167 --> 00:03:39,433
- Thank you.
89
00:03:39,433 --> 00:03:42,400
*
90
00:03:43,967 --> 00:03:46,967
[playful music]
91
00:03:46,967 --> 00:03:53,067
*
92
00:03:54,533 --> 00:03:56,900
- What's he doing
with my classroom?
93
00:03:56,900 --> 00:03:59,667
*
94
00:03:59,667 --> 00:04:00,833
Jerk.
95
00:04:00,833 --> 00:04:02,267
*
96
00:04:02,267 --> 00:04:06,567
- Hey, dude, before you spend
all that money on an ad,
97
00:04:06,567 --> 00:04:09,067
I gotta take a truth dump on ya.
98
00:04:09,067 --> 00:04:11,067
- I just got off the phone
with my mom.
99
00:04:11,067 --> 00:04:14,100
She is so proud that I won
the Golden Pencil Award.
100
00:04:14,100 --> 00:04:17,300
- The same mom
you haven't spoken to in...
101
00:04:17,300 --> 00:04:18,867
- Six years, yeah,
102
00:04:18,867 --> 00:04:20,867
and she has never told me
that she's proud of me before,
103
00:04:20,867 --> 00:04:22,700
not even when I made it
to callbacks
104
00:04:22,700 --> 00:04:24,900
for "Albania's Next Top Model."
[scoffs]
105
00:04:24,900 --> 00:04:28,400
The population is smaller,
so my odds are increased.
106
00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:30,400
I can't believe
it finally happened.
107
00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:32,733
My mom is proud of me, Feldman.
108
00:04:32,733 --> 00:04:34,067
- Wow.
109
00:04:34,067 --> 00:04:35,800
- I just wish she could
make it to the ceremony.
110
00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:37,700
- Ceremony?
- Yeah, you know.
111
00:04:37,700 --> 00:04:39,667
On the website, it says
they give out the award
112
00:04:39,667 --> 00:04:41,700
at the winner's home school.
[laughs]
113
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Everyone is gonna be
so inspired,
114
00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:46,267
they will wanna rename
the school after me.
115
00:04:46,267 --> 00:04:48,067
Snap School.
116
00:04:48,067 --> 00:04:49,633
- Right...
117
00:04:49,633 --> 00:04:51,667
the award ceremony.
118
00:04:51,667 --> 00:04:53,267
Totally.
[faint chuckle]
119
00:04:53,267 --> 00:04:55,167
I'm way steep in dookie, dude.
120
00:04:55,167 --> 00:04:57,900
How am I gonna pull off
an award ceremony?
121
00:04:57,900 --> 00:04:59,733
- You've gotta
tell her the truth.
122
00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:01,867
She's practicing
her mom hugs on me.
123
00:05:01,867 --> 00:05:04,067
She keeps whispering,
"I forgive you."
124
00:05:04,067 --> 00:05:05,833
- [sighs] That's why
I can't tell her.
125
00:05:05,833 --> 00:05:07,767
They just started talking again.
126
00:05:07,767 --> 00:05:09,067
- So what happened?
127
00:05:09,067 --> 00:05:10,967
- So I came back from
getting art supplies
128
00:05:10,967 --> 00:05:13,600
to find Frank,
in a fit of rage,
129
00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:15,400
throwing my cart
down the hallway.
130
00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:16,700
- Did he really throw it?
131
00:05:16,700 --> 00:05:19,633
- Well, not literally,
but metaphorically, yes.
132
00:05:19,633 --> 00:05:22,767
Bottom line,
Frank is a huge asshole.
133
00:05:24,833 --> 00:05:26,967
He's behind me, isn't he?
134
00:05:30,667 --> 00:05:32,067
Oh, hey, Frank.
135
00:05:32,067 --> 00:05:33,567
- I'm sorry if I offended you
this morning
136
00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:35,100
by moving your art cart,
137
00:05:35,100 --> 00:05:37,933
but it was just blocking
my office door.
138
00:05:37,933 --> 00:05:40,633
- Oh, no, no,
that wasn't about you.
139
00:05:40,633 --> 00:05:42,467
I was talking about another guy,
140
00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:45,167
whose name is also Frank...
141
00:05:45,167 --> 00:05:47,100
who moved my grocery cart...
142
00:05:49,167 --> 00:05:51,100
At the grocery store.
143
00:05:53,167 --> 00:05:54,967
- Good to see you, Frank.
144
00:05:56,967 --> 00:05:58,867
- I mean, that made sense,
right?
145
00:05:58,867 --> 00:06:00,433
- No.
146
00:06:00,433 --> 00:06:03,133
- Toby the Tiger,
you wanted to see me?
147
00:06:03,133 --> 00:06:04,433
- Shh.
148
00:06:04,433 --> 00:06:08,167
You can only call me that
behind closed doors.
149
00:06:08,167 --> 00:06:11,100
This morning with
the other teachers was weird.
150
00:06:11,100 --> 00:06:14,733
Did you, by any chance,
mention our situation to them?
151
00:06:14,733 --> 00:06:17,067
- Oh, yeah, but don't worry,
it's not a big deal.
152
00:06:17,067 --> 00:06:19,067
- Yes, it is a big deal,
Care Bear.
153
00:06:19,067 --> 00:06:21,500
I'm evaluating
all the teachers today,
154
00:06:21,500 --> 00:06:22,967
and if they know
I'm your boyfriend,
155
00:06:22,967 --> 00:06:25,067
it diminishes my authority.
156
00:06:25,067 --> 00:06:28,700
They need to see me as
the alpha lion of this pride.
157
00:06:28,700 --> 00:06:30,433
- Well, if they'd seen the way
158
00:06:30,433 --> 00:06:33,067
you took me in the back of
your Forester this morning,
159
00:06:33,067 --> 00:06:35,267
they would.
160
00:06:35,267 --> 00:06:37,500
- Mm.
161
00:06:37,500 --> 00:06:41,967
I'm just glad that bad boy
has memory seating.
162
00:06:41,967 --> 00:06:44,933
- [chuckles]
- [exhales softly]
163
00:06:44,933 --> 00:06:47,100
- Listen, I don't want work
to be any different.
164
00:06:47,100 --> 00:06:49,700
- Yeah.
- We just need to do something
165
00:06:49,700 --> 00:06:52,167
that'll make them think
it's not weird.
166
00:06:52,167 --> 00:06:53,433
Welcome, ladies.
167
00:06:53,433 --> 00:06:56,667
- Thank you for
stopping by the lounge.
168
00:06:56,667 --> 00:06:58,200
- We work here?
169
00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:01,067
- Make yourselves right at home.
- Is this a dream?
170
00:07:01,067 --> 00:07:02,667
Quick, Chelsea, pinch my bottom.
171
00:07:02,667 --> 00:07:04,267
- What? No.
- Come on.
172
00:07:04,267 --> 00:07:07,333
- As everyone knows,
Caroline and I are dating,
173
00:07:07,333 --> 00:07:09,067
and we invited you here
174
00:07:09,067 --> 00:07:11,600
to assure you that
nothing will change
175
00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:13,433
just because we're together.
176
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:16,633
- Mini quiche, anyone?
- You all must try one.
177
00:07:16,633 --> 00:07:20,200
Caroline has the moistest
little quiche I've ever eaten.
178
00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:21,867
Yum, yum, yum.
179
00:07:21,867 --> 00:07:23,500
I could eat it all day.
180
00:07:23,500 --> 00:07:25,067
- [laughs]
181
00:07:25,067 --> 00:07:26,700
- Mmm.
182
00:07:26,700 --> 00:07:28,167
*
183
00:07:28,167 --> 00:07:29,433
- Oh, yeah.
184
00:07:29,433 --> 00:07:30,900
*
185
00:07:30,900 --> 00:07:31,933
Mm.
186
00:07:31,933 --> 00:07:33,467
Tastes funny
when you eat your own.
187
00:07:33,467 --> 00:07:34,933
- Mm.
[all groaning]
188
00:07:38,100 --> 00:07:39,067
[rock music]
189
00:07:39,067 --> 00:07:41,100
- * Tear it down
190
00:07:41,100 --> 00:07:42,900
* Tear it down
191
00:07:42,900 --> 00:07:44,467
- Tell me, Ms. Bennigan,
192
00:07:44,467 --> 00:07:47,667
how would you rate your overall
performance this year?
193
00:07:47,667 --> 00:07:50,667
[tense music]
194
00:07:50,667 --> 00:07:53,467
* *
195
00:07:53,467 --> 00:07:55,233
Ms. Bennigan?
196
00:07:55,233 --> 00:07:56,767
- Quiche!
197
00:07:56,767 --> 00:08:00,533
- Students need a tangible way
to measure their progress.
198
00:08:00,533 --> 00:08:03,500
Do you object to the idea
of frequent testing?
199
00:08:03,500 --> 00:08:04,567
- Not at all.
200
00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:06,467
I have no objections
to your testes--
201
00:08:06,467 --> 00:08:08,700
I mean, testes.
202
00:08:08,700 --> 00:08:11,067
Testes.
203
00:08:11,067 --> 00:08:12,133
Oh, my God.
204
00:08:12,133 --> 00:08:13,967
- I don't think it's weird.
205
00:08:13,967 --> 00:08:16,400
I once dated a man
with a small leg.
206
00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:18,233
- Okay, we're done here.
207
00:08:18,233 --> 00:08:21,067
- Chelsea--
- [sobbing]
208
00:08:21,067 --> 00:08:22,633
- Are you devastated
because you found out
209
00:08:22,633 --> 00:08:25,800
a recent accomplishment of yours
isn't real?
210
00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:27,967
- No, these are tears of joy.
211
00:08:27,967 --> 00:08:29,600
- Oh.
212
00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:31,400
- Everyone thinks
I have this perfect life,
213
00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:33,333
because my ankles are so thin
they're unstable,
214
00:08:33,333 --> 00:08:36,633
but this year has been
really hard on me.
215
00:08:36,633 --> 00:08:39,200
My two-finger thigh gap has
become a one-finger thigh gap,
216
00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:41,333
which means either
my thighs are getting fat,
217
00:08:41,333 --> 00:08:44,067
or I have Elton John
sausage fingers!
218
00:08:45,467 --> 00:08:47,067
[laughs]
219
00:08:47,067 --> 00:08:48,733
But after winning this award,
220
00:08:48,733 --> 00:08:51,800
it finally feels like
my life is worth living again.
221
00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:53,300
You know?
222
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:55,967
Plus, I just found out
there's a $5,000 cash prize.
223
00:08:55,967 --> 00:08:57,967
[laughs]
Look!
224
00:08:57,967 --> 00:09:00,067
- Oh, shit...
225
00:09:00,067 --> 00:09:03,500
am I jealous of you.
226
00:09:03,500 --> 00:09:04,467
- [laughs]
227
00:09:04,467 --> 00:09:06,500
- My evaluation went terribly.
228
00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:08,133
I never knew
the devil could take the form
229
00:09:08,133 --> 00:09:10,200
of Caroline's moist quiche.
230
00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:11,633
- Mine sucked too.
231
00:09:11,633 --> 00:09:14,067
- You're overreacting.
I'm sure they went fine.
232
00:09:14,067 --> 00:09:15,933
- Oh, easy for you to say.
233
00:09:15,933 --> 00:09:19,300
Your evaluation
was probably oral.
234
00:09:19,300 --> 00:09:20,733
- Evaluations are in!
- Ooh.
235
00:09:20,733 --> 00:09:23,700
- Ooh, and envelopes,
just like the Oscars.
236
00:09:23,700 --> 00:09:24,733
Cool.
237
00:09:24,733 --> 00:09:26,133
- Thank you.
238
00:09:27,133 --> 00:09:29,300
- Ah, not one mention of quiche.
239
00:09:29,300 --> 00:09:30,667
- Mine's decent.
240
00:09:30,667 --> 00:09:33,100
He just suggests I get
some WD-40 for my cart.
241
00:09:33,100 --> 00:09:34,600
- Hm, not bad,
242
00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:36,667
although he says I sometimes
dress inappropriately.
243
00:09:36,667 --> 00:09:38,500
[scoffs]
Which is crazy.
244
00:09:38,500 --> 00:09:41,600
- [giggles]
- What does your evaluation say?
245
00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:46,900
*
246
00:09:46,900 --> 00:09:50,067
- Nothing, just...
"good job."
247
00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:51,300
- Good job?
- Mm-hmm.
248
00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:53,600
- Hm. [scoffs]
- Deb, give it back!
249
00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:55,333
- [clears throat]
- [laughs]
250
00:09:55,333 --> 00:09:58,500
- "I'm so happy I found you,
with hair so fair.
251
00:09:58,500 --> 00:10:01,933
"My favorite educator,
my delectable Care Bear.
252
00:10:01,933 --> 00:10:04,000
"Cute as a button,
you could never disappoint.
253
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:07,200
For this evaluation,
you get each and every point."
254
00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:09,767
- You got an evaluation poem?
255
00:10:09,767 --> 00:10:12,700
- [laughs]
256
00:10:19,833 --> 00:10:21,300
An evaluation poem?
257
00:10:21,300 --> 00:10:23,300
I thought we were gonna
keep things professional.
258
00:10:23,300 --> 00:10:24,600
- I'm sorry, you're right.
259
00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:27,000
I shouldn't have
written you a poem.
260
00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:31,133
But did you see how I rhymed
"hair so fair" with "Care Bear"?
261
00:10:31,133 --> 00:10:33,233
- Hm.
- I didn't even have to use...
262
00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:35,300
both: Rhymezone.com.
263
00:10:35,300 --> 00:10:37,600
- I know.
It was very impressive,
264
00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:39,300
but now they all think
you're favoring me.
265
00:10:39,300 --> 00:10:41,900
- Oh, crap.
What do you want me to do?
266
00:10:41,900 --> 00:10:44,067
- Nothing.
Don't do anything.
267
00:10:44,067 --> 00:10:45,833
Just act normal.
268
00:10:45,833 --> 00:10:48,467
- Okay, I can do that.
269
00:10:48,467 --> 00:10:51,233
- Can you believe the way Frank
verbally attacked me before?
270
00:10:51,233 --> 00:10:52,367
I mean, what was he doing
271
00:10:52,367 --> 00:10:54,233
listening to my conversation
anyway?
272
00:10:54,233 --> 00:10:56,367
He's basically stalking me.
273
00:10:59,067 --> 00:11:01,267
He's behind me again, isn't he?
274
00:11:03,700 --> 00:11:06,167
Hey, Frank.
275
00:11:06,167 --> 00:11:09,400
[rock music]
276
00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:12,100
- Top-of-the-line seats, my man.
277
00:11:12,100 --> 00:11:15,433
Very durable.
278
00:11:15,433 --> 00:11:16,967
Top-shelf pleather.
279
00:11:16,967 --> 00:11:21,067
And they've only been slept on
ten times, max.
280
00:11:21,067 --> 00:11:23,767
Very...easy...
281
00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:26,067
to...remove!
282
00:11:32,100 --> 00:11:33,533
See?
[clears throat]
283
00:11:33,533 --> 00:11:36,400
Easily removable.
Check 'em out, man.
284
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:37,800
- Feldman, what are you doing?
285
00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:40,133
- I'm raising money
for Chelsea's award.
286
00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:41,767
- You should just tell her
the truth.
287
00:11:41,767 --> 00:11:44,467
- Nah, I'd rather sell my seats
and hold a fake ceremony.
288
00:11:44,467 --> 00:11:45,867
- [sniffs]
- It seems easier.
289
00:11:45,867 --> 00:11:48,067
- Is that guy allowed
near an elementary school?
290
00:11:48,067 --> 00:11:50,300
- [grunts]
291
00:11:50,300 --> 00:11:52,833
I'll take 'em.
- Okay!
292
00:11:52,833 --> 00:11:55,067
Eric, my main man.
293
00:11:55,067 --> 00:11:57,867
That'll be $5,000.
294
00:11:57,867 --> 00:11:59,067
- Well, how about...
295
00:11:59,067 --> 00:12:00,400
[sighs]
296
00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:03,733
300...
[sniffs]
297
00:12:03,733 --> 00:12:06,933
and 25 dollars...
298
00:12:06,933 --> 00:12:11,800
and 63 cents?
299
00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:12,867
[sniffs]
300
00:12:12,867 --> 00:12:16,333
* *
301
00:12:21,300 --> 00:12:23,067
- About the evaluations...
302
00:12:23,067 --> 00:12:24,533
- Uh, I meant to say "testing."
303
00:12:24,533 --> 00:12:26,100
- No, no, it's not about that.
304
00:12:26,100 --> 00:12:28,333
It's actually about Care Bang--
305
00:12:28,333 --> 00:12:30,267
I mean, Head Band--
I mean, Care Bear.
306
00:12:30,267 --> 00:12:32,567
Jeez-o-Pete.
307
00:12:32,567 --> 00:12:35,300
Please don't be mad at Caroline.
308
00:12:35,300 --> 00:12:37,433
- I'm not mad at her.
309
00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:40,300
Did she tell you I was?
310
00:12:40,300 --> 00:12:41,967
- Yes--no.
311
00:12:41,967 --> 00:12:43,400
I mean...
312
00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:45,833
I think you and the gals
really hurt her feelings.
313
00:12:45,833 --> 00:12:47,333
- Okay.
314
00:12:47,333 --> 00:12:51,533
- So maybe you and the others
could apologize to her.
315
00:12:52,633 --> 00:12:54,633
[both chuckle]
316
00:12:54,633 --> 00:12:56,067
*
317
00:12:56,067 --> 00:13:00,500
Oh, and please don't tell her
that I talked to you.
318
00:13:00,500 --> 00:13:03,067
- Yo, Care Bear,
your little bitch boy
319
00:13:03,067 --> 00:13:04,700
just told me
to apologize to you.
320
00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:06,933
- What?
I'm sorry, I told him not to.
321
00:13:06,933 --> 00:13:09,200
- Jesus, now I have to watch
what I say around you.
322
00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:10,633
You know I can't filter.
323
00:13:10,633 --> 00:13:13,067
Stop talking about us
to our boss.
324
00:13:13,067 --> 00:13:15,067
- I told you
not to say anything.
325
00:13:15,067 --> 00:13:16,467
- She told you?
326
00:13:16,467 --> 00:13:18,400
I'm sorry, Care Bear.
Let me fix this.
327
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:20,233
- No!
You've already made it worse.
328
00:13:20,233 --> 00:13:24,667
Just stop.
Don't do anything.
329
00:13:24,667 --> 00:13:26,667
- Mrs. Adler?
330
00:13:26,667 --> 00:13:28,933
Mrs. Adler...
331
00:13:28,933 --> 00:13:30,267
Mrs. Adler!
332
00:13:31,167 --> 00:13:32,900
- Caroline knows way too much.
333
00:13:32,900 --> 00:13:34,900
If she tells Pearson
about that underage gymnast
334
00:13:34,900 --> 00:13:38,067
I hooked up with
at the Olympics, I am screwed.
335
00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:39,733
- [sighs]
- Oh, what?
336
00:13:39,733 --> 00:13:41,400
I'm supposed to know
he was young,
337
00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:44,167
because he was hairless?
They all shave their bodies.
338
00:13:44,167 --> 00:13:46,300
- Hi, guys.
- [gasps]
339
00:13:48,300 --> 00:13:49,833
I have to go.
- Me too.
340
00:13:49,833 --> 00:13:51,233
- Me too.
- Same.
341
00:13:51,233 --> 00:13:53,867
- Oh.
Uh...okay.
342
00:13:53,867 --> 00:13:56,233
I guess I'll see you all
later then?
343
00:13:56,233 --> 00:13:57,367
[door slams shut]
344
00:13:57,367 --> 00:13:59,367
None of them will talk to me
anymore.
345
00:13:59,367 --> 00:14:01,067
- I knew you shouldn't have
told them.
346
00:14:01,067 --> 00:14:02,733
- Oh, so now this is my fault?
347
00:14:02,733 --> 00:14:04,600
- I'm just trying to help,
Care Bear.
348
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:06,900
- Stop calling me Care Bear!
It's stupid!
349
00:14:06,900 --> 00:14:08,067
I am an adult woman!
350
00:14:08,067 --> 00:14:10,067
- Yes, I know.
351
00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:14,400
[somber music]
352
00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:15,900
* *
353
00:14:15,900 --> 00:14:19,433
- I just don't know
if this is working.
354
00:14:19,433 --> 00:14:21,833
- What?
355
00:14:21,833 --> 00:14:23,300
*
356
00:14:26,433 --> 00:14:29,433
[quirky tense music]
357
00:14:29,433 --> 00:14:33,567
*
358
00:14:36,700 --> 00:14:38,900
* *
359
00:14:38,900 --> 00:14:40,533
[machine beeps]
- Ms. Watson...
360
00:14:40,533 --> 00:14:44,567
your presence is requested
in the principal's office.
361
00:14:48,900 --> 00:14:51,067
[beeps]
- Unfortunately, I can't,
362
00:14:51,067 --> 00:14:53,833
because my presence
is requested by my students,
363
00:14:53,833 --> 00:14:56,567
you know, so I can do my job.
364
00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:03,467
Please keep reading
"Charlotte's Web," everyone.
365
00:15:03,467 --> 00:15:07,900
We wanna find out what happens
to Wilbur, don't we?
366
00:15:07,900 --> 00:15:09,367
[beeps]
- Ms. Watson...
367
00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:11,733
you know I'm too
emotionally fragile for this.
368
00:15:11,733 --> 00:15:13,267
Please.
[beeps]
369
00:15:13,267 --> 00:15:14,933
- I haven't been this mad at you
since you criticized
370
00:15:14,933 --> 00:15:16,367
the design elements
on "Fixer Upper."
371
00:15:16,367 --> 00:15:18,233
- I don't want to
get into this again,
372
00:15:18,233 --> 00:15:21,300
but no one should ever do
that much shiplap.
373
00:15:21,300 --> 00:15:22,433
It's too much!
374
00:15:22,433 --> 00:15:24,600
- How dare you criticize
Joanna and Chip.
375
00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:26,300
Shiplap is timeless!
376
00:15:26,300 --> 00:15:28,233
*
377
00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:36,633
[rock music]
378
00:15:36,633 --> 00:15:39,067
- So humbled to win this award.
379
00:15:39,067 --> 00:15:41,967
- Marry, [bleep], kill.
- Yes, I love this game.
380
00:15:41,967 --> 00:15:44,600
- Mr. Spinnoli, Frank,
381
00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:46,233
and Mr. Higgins.
- Mm.
382
00:15:46,233 --> 00:15:50,367
- Marry Mr. Higgins,
kill Spinnoli, [bleep] Frank.
383
00:15:55,700 --> 00:15:58,100
We were just--
- No, it's okay.
384
00:15:58,100 --> 00:15:59,233
- Oh.
385
00:15:59,233 --> 00:16:01,067
- This is the best
we've done today.
386
00:16:01,067 --> 00:16:03,667
- Yeah.
Yeah.
387
00:16:05,067 --> 00:16:07,067
[sighs]
388
00:16:07,067 --> 00:16:09,133
- Sorry you want to kill me,
Cecelia.
389
00:16:09,133 --> 00:16:11,800
- Come on, guys,
take your seats.
390
00:16:12,667 --> 00:16:14,133
- Are we okay?
391
00:16:14,133 --> 00:16:15,500
- I just don't want to
be the person
392
00:16:15,500 --> 00:16:17,900
who gets in the way
of you doing your job.
393
00:16:17,900 --> 00:16:19,100
That's Feldman.
394
00:16:19,100 --> 00:16:20,333
- And I don't want to
be the person
395
00:16:20,333 --> 00:16:22,733
who comes between
you and your friends.
396
00:16:22,733 --> 00:16:24,467
I know how important
those gals--
397
00:16:24,467 --> 00:16:27,733
- You can just say "women."
- Women are to you.
398
00:16:27,733 --> 00:16:30,067
- So what do we do?
399
00:16:30,067 --> 00:16:31,600
- What's up, y'all?
400
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:36,100
I'm Eric from the, uh,
Golden Pencil Company.
401
00:16:36,100 --> 00:16:37,667
How are y'all doing today?
402
00:16:37,667 --> 00:16:39,333
Whoo!
All right!
403
00:16:39,333 --> 00:16:41,900
When I say "Golden,"
you say "Pencil."
404
00:16:41,900 --> 00:16:44,067
Pencil--shit!
405
00:16:44,067 --> 00:16:46,300
I was supposed to say "Golden."
406
00:16:46,300 --> 00:16:48,500
All right, all right.
- Thanks, Eric,
407
00:16:48,500 --> 00:16:53,633
from the official
Golden Pencil headquarters.
408
00:16:53,633 --> 00:16:55,667
Chelsea,
Fillmore is so proud of you.
409
00:16:55,667 --> 00:16:57,067
- Aw.
[laughs gleefully]
410
00:16:57,067 --> 00:16:59,500
- Please accept
this well-deserved trophy
411
00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:03,867
and your first installment
of your $5,000 prize.
412
00:17:03,867 --> 00:17:05,633
- Oh, this is so great.
413
00:17:05,633 --> 00:17:06,700
Oh, my God, it's so heavy.
414
00:17:06,700 --> 00:17:08,267
- Oh.
- [laughs]
415
00:17:08,267 --> 00:17:10,067
- [chuckles]
- Wow, I don't even know.
416
00:17:10,067 --> 00:17:11,600
I don't even have
anything prepared,
417
00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:13,900
but--hold on.
418
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:17,567
[chuckles]
419
00:17:17,567 --> 00:17:19,567
[sniffles, exhales softly]
420
00:17:19,567 --> 00:17:21,067
[triumphant music]
421
00:17:21,067 --> 00:17:24,567
I am so humbled to win
this Golden Globe--
422
00:17:24,567 --> 00:17:25,933
Pencil.
423
00:17:25,933 --> 00:17:27,800
I totally deserve it.
[chuckles]
424
00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:30,200
Thank you, me!
[laughs]
425
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:33,867
Yay!
- I also have something to say.
426
00:17:35,067 --> 00:17:36,733
- What's going on?
427
00:17:36,733 --> 00:17:38,700
- [grunting softly]
428
00:17:38,700 --> 00:17:40,833
After much consideration,
429
00:17:40,833 --> 00:17:43,400
and after many wonderful years,
430
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:47,700
I've decided to step down
as principal of Fillmore.
431
00:17:47,700 --> 00:17:49,567
[all gasping]
- Oh, my God.
432
00:17:49,567 --> 00:17:52,133
[solemn music]
433
00:17:52,133 --> 00:17:54,067
- No!
434
00:17:57,567 --> 00:17:59,100
*
435
00:17:59,100 --> 00:18:01,800
- Toby, please,
you can't leave Fillmore.
436
00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:04,133
- This is what's best
for both of us,
437
00:18:04,133 --> 00:18:06,267
if we want this seed of romance
438
00:18:06,267 --> 00:18:10,467
to have a chance to bloom into
a majestic Plumeria.
439
00:18:10,467 --> 00:18:12,233
- [whimpers]
I...
440
00:18:12,233 --> 00:18:14,400
I don't know what to say.
441
00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:16,533
This is more thoughtful
than when you binge-watched
442
00:18:16,533 --> 00:18:18,533
the last season of
"International House Hunters"
443
00:18:18,533 --> 00:18:19,933
with me.
444
00:18:19,933 --> 00:18:21,233
- Those people are insufferable,
445
00:18:21,233 --> 00:18:23,433
but I'd do anything for you.
446
00:18:23,433 --> 00:18:24,433
- [whimpers]
447
00:18:24,433 --> 00:18:25,767
[knock on door]
448
00:18:25,767 --> 00:18:27,700
*
449
00:18:27,700 --> 00:18:29,867
- Hey.
450
00:18:29,867 --> 00:18:32,300
If this is because of us,
don't leave.
451
00:18:32,300 --> 00:18:34,733
We just need a little time
to get used to it.
452
00:18:34,733 --> 00:18:38,833
- Yeah, you can't leave, man--
I mean, Pearson...
453
00:18:38,833 --> 00:18:40,967
I mean, Principal Pearson.
454
00:18:40,967 --> 00:18:43,300
- Thank you,
but I'm leaving
455
00:18:43,300 --> 00:18:46,767
because it's the best thing
for our relationship.
456
00:18:46,767 --> 00:18:48,567
* *
457
00:18:48,567 --> 00:18:52,567
- For what it's worth,
you guys make an awesome couple.
458
00:18:52,567 --> 00:18:55,833
*
459
00:18:55,833 --> 00:18:57,900
[all groan]
460
00:18:57,900 --> 00:18:59,633
- No, that's sick.
- Narst.
461
00:18:59,633 --> 00:19:01,633
- Ulch.
- No.
462
00:19:06,833 --> 00:19:08,633
- Mm.
Mm.
463
00:19:11,633 --> 00:19:13,100
- Hello.
464
00:19:16,767 --> 00:19:17,767
[rock music]
465
00:19:17,767 --> 00:19:19,233
- * Tear it down
466
00:19:21,100 --> 00:19:22,367
- [grunts]
467
00:19:22,367 --> 00:19:23,900
Congratulations, dude.
468
00:19:23,900 --> 00:19:25,100
- Oh, thanks.
469
00:19:25,100 --> 00:19:26,300
Oh, and Feldman?
470
00:19:26,300 --> 00:19:27,867
- Yeah.
- Just an FYI,
471
00:19:27,867 --> 00:19:31,433
the Golden Pencil Award
isn't given out until June.
472
00:19:31,433 --> 00:19:33,167
April Fools, bitch!
473
00:19:33,167 --> 00:19:34,533
- Wait, what?
474
00:19:34,533 --> 00:19:36,667
- My mom would never
be proud of me.
475
00:19:36,667 --> 00:19:37,967
[scoffs]
476
00:19:37,967 --> 00:19:39,600
* *
477
00:19:42,967 --> 00:19:45,967
[rock music]
478
00:19:45,967 --> 00:19:52,900
*
479
00:19:54,067 --> 00:19:56,633
- * Tear it down
480
00:19:56,633 --> 00:19:59,467
* Tear it down
481
00:19:59,467 --> 00:20:02,233
* Tear it down
482
00:20:02,233 --> 00:20:04,433
* Tear it down
483
00:20:05,967 --> 00:20:07,900
- Oh, yeah.
33229
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