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1
00:00:07,167 --> 00:00:10,167
[relaxed ambient music]
2
00:00:10,167 --> 00:00:17,300
*
3
00:00:18,433 --> 00:00:20,200
- How did I get here?
4
00:00:26,633 --> 00:00:29,200
Will someone please tell me
how I got here?!
5
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:32,967
[rock music]
6
00:00:32,967 --> 00:00:34,867
- * Tear it down
7
00:00:36,533 --> 00:00:39,733
[Spaghetti Western music]
8
00:00:39,733 --> 00:00:41,700
*
9
00:00:41,700 --> 00:00:42,900
[whip cracks]
10
00:00:42,900 --> 00:00:49,600
*
11
00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:52,800
- Well, well, well.
Ms. Watson.
12
00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:56,133
Doesn't this place look
fine as cream gravy?
13
00:00:56,133 --> 00:00:57,433
- Well, that's mighty
kind of you, sir.
14
00:00:57,433 --> 00:00:58,933
And aren't you lookin'
right as rain?
15
00:00:58,933 --> 00:01:00,467
- Well, thank you,
little lady.
16
00:01:00,467 --> 00:01:03,133
Spit-shined my spurs 'specially
for the hoedown.
17
00:01:03,133 --> 00:01:04,800
This is my favorite
event of year.
18
00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:05,800
- Mine too!
19
00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:07,067
I look forward
to this magical night
20
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:08,733
all the school year long.
21
00:01:08,733 --> 00:01:12,367
- Might I say you look
pretty as a prize-winnin' pony,
22
00:01:12,367 --> 00:01:15,100
which leads me to, do you have
yourself a date
23
00:01:15,100 --> 00:01:16,600
for this fine night?
24
00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:20,267
- Oh, I will be accompanied
to the dance tonight.
25
00:01:20,267 --> 00:01:22,067
- Well.
26
00:01:22,067 --> 00:01:25,233
Sounds like you're gonna
be busy as a June bug
27
00:01:25,233 --> 00:01:29,467
in, uh... well, like
a bug festival.
28
00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:32,900
I don't know.
I--I love the hoedown.
29
00:01:35,300 --> 00:01:36,767
Gotta go.
30
00:01:36,767 --> 00:01:38,700
[spurs clinking]
31
00:01:41,967 --> 00:01:44,067
- [humming]
32
00:01:44,067 --> 00:01:45,900
- That headset makes you look
like you should be working
33
00:01:45,900 --> 00:01:47,333
in an Arby's drive-thru.
34
00:01:47,333 --> 00:01:49,300
- It's for my performance
tonight, Deb.
35
00:01:49,300 --> 00:01:50,700
- I didn't know you sang.
36
00:01:50,700 --> 00:01:52,400
- Uh, yeah, it's
actually really easy.
37
00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:54,267
And tonight, one of my students,
George, is bringing
38
00:01:54,267 --> 00:01:55,533
his super-famous dad,
39
00:01:55,533 --> 00:01:58,067
97.2's The Howler.
40
00:01:58,067 --> 00:01:59,433
- The morning DJ?!
41
00:01:59,433 --> 00:02:02,733
[laughs] I won a $60
gas card from that guy!
42
00:02:02,733 --> 00:02:06,567
I called in, and he correctly
guessed my cup size.
43
00:02:06,567 --> 00:02:07,900
It was remarkable.
44
00:02:07,900 --> 00:02:09,667
- I sent him my demo,
and George said,
45
00:02:09,667 --> 00:02:12,600
and I quote, I have
"amazing potential."
46
00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:14,633
- Really? He's super
hard to impress.
47
00:02:14,633 --> 00:02:18,067
He's like the Simon Cowell
of radio, except super fat.
48
00:02:18,067 --> 00:02:20,067
You can hear how fat
he is on the radio.
49
00:02:20,067 --> 00:02:22,567
- Ew. Why are you
dressed like Deb?
50
00:02:22,567 --> 00:02:24,467
- I'm in mourning.
51
00:02:24,467 --> 00:02:26,500
Hot Dad and I will never
be together because--
52
00:02:26,500 --> 00:02:28,067
- You slammed into his
sliding glass door?
53
00:02:28,067 --> 00:02:29,933
- Sucked on his face
while teaching sex-ed?
54
00:02:29,933 --> 00:02:31,700
- Popped your hymen jumping
over a hurdle?
55
00:02:31,700 --> 00:02:32,967
- No.
56
00:02:32,967 --> 00:02:34,867
Because Hot Dad and his
wife are back together.
57
00:02:34,867 --> 00:02:36,567
I was gonna ask him
to the hoedown,
58
00:02:36,567 --> 00:02:38,233
and we would've had
our first dance
59
00:02:38,233 --> 00:02:40,233
at the social event
of the school year.
60
00:02:40,233 --> 00:02:41,633
But now that's ruined.
61
00:02:41,633 --> 00:02:43,067
I can't eat, I can't sleep,
62
00:02:43,067 --> 00:02:45,067
and I haven't been to church
since Sunday.
63
00:02:45,067 --> 00:02:46,333
- It's Monday.
64
00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:47,633
- Deb, why don't you go
slit your wrists
65
00:02:47,633 --> 00:02:49,167
like you're always
threatening to?
66
00:02:49,167 --> 00:02:51,100
- [scoffs]
67
00:02:51,100 --> 00:02:52,800
- I'm sorry.
68
00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:55,267
I'm obviously not doing well.
69
00:02:55,267 --> 00:02:57,367
- Look, just because Hot Dad's
wife is back in town
70
00:02:57,367 --> 00:02:58,900
doesn't mean they're
together again.
71
00:02:58,900 --> 00:03:00,500
Just call a parent-teacher
conference and find out
72
00:03:00,500 --> 00:03:02,067
if he's single.
73
00:03:02,067 --> 00:03:03,633
That's what I do with
all my good-looking dads.
74
00:03:03,633 --> 00:03:06,433
- That's a great idea.
I gotta go.
75
00:03:06,433 --> 00:03:10,067
- And make sure to dress like
your version of a hooker!
76
00:03:10,067 --> 00:03:11,867
She's still gonna look like
a 12-year-old boy
77
00:03:11,867 --> 00:03:13,067
in Grandma drag.
78
00:03:14,900 --> 00:03:16,833
- I don't know why everyone
gets so excited
79
00:03:16,833 --> 00:03:19,200
about this stupid dance
every year.
80
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:20,600
- I know.
Who decided the hoedown
81
00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:22,067
was the high point of the year?
82
00:03:22,067 --> 00:03:23,200
I hate school dances.
83
00:03:23,200 --> 00:03:24,500
- Yeah, they're bullshit.
84
00:03:24,500 --> 00:03:26,767
Prissy, pre-teen girls
waiting around
85
00:03:26,767 --> 00:03:28,467
for a bunch of brain-dead jocks
to pick them out
86
00:03:28,467 --> 00:03:31,367
like some stuffed doll they've
won in a carnival game.
87
00:03:31,367 --> 00:03:33,833
- You never got asked
to a dance, did you?
88
00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:36,900
- No.
- Me neither.
89
00:03:36,900 --> 00:03:38,700
- My best friend
Christy Zwicky and I
90
00:03:38,700 --> 00:03:40,767
always used to make plans to
have a girls' night instead,
91
00:03:40,767 --> 00:03:42,400
but then she'd blow me off
for a guy.
92
00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:43,967
- Damn. What a bitch.
- Yeah.
93
00:03:45,633 --> 00:03:47,333
- [bleep] the hoedown.
94
00:03:47,333 --> 00:03:48,333
I'm not going this year.
95
00:03:48,333 --> 00:03:49,833
- Me neither.
You know what?
96
00:03:49,833 --> 00:03:51,767
Let's have a girls' night.
We should hang out.
97
00:03:51,767 --> 00:03:54,200
We can drink wine, paint...
98
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,267
- Is that what women
do together?
99
00:03:56,267 --> 00:03:57,967
Weird.
100
00:03:57,967 --> 00:04:00,133
Okay, I'm in.
101
00:04:00,133 --> 00:04:02,133
- So the thing about our
solar system is that
102
00:04:02,133 --> 00:04:04,100
everything revolves
around the sun.
103
00:04:04,100 --> 00:04:07,800
If you think about,
I'm kinda like the sun.
104
00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:09,133
- Why are you like the sun?
105
00:04:09,133 --> 00:04:10,533
- Because I'm a star.
106
00:04:10,533 --> 00:04:12,533
- So you're over 4 billion
years old?
107
00:04:12,533 --> 00:04:14,067
- That's strike one, Nora.
108
00:04:14,067 --> 00:04:16,667
Okay, enough science.
Who cares?
109
00:04:16,667 --> 00:04:19,467
Tonight, when you take
the stage as my backup dancers,
110
00:04:19,467 --> 00:04:20,900
you will move around me
111
00:04:20,900 --> 00:04:23,400
like the planets revolve
around the sun.
112
00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:24,967
However, you will
not eclipse me.
113
00:04:24,967 --> 00:04:26,533
We want George's dad,
The Howler,
114
00:04:26,533 --> 00:04:28,267
to see Ms. Snap shine.
115
00:04:28,267 --> 00:04:29,767
He will be there tonight,
right, George?
116
00:04:29,767 --> 00:04:32,367
- I told you a million times.
Yes.
117
00:04:32,367 --> 00:04:34,833
- [laughs] Oh, my God.
118
00:04:34,833 --> 00:04:38,233
That's crazy.
This is really my chance.
119
00:04:38,233 --> 00:04:40,133
Okay, I don't want to put
pressure on you people,
120
00:04:40,133 --> 00:04:42,767
but if this doesn't go well,
I will probably kill myself.
121
00:04:48,900 --> 00:04:51,300
- "To the coolest lady
with red hair,
122
00:04:51,300 --> 00:04:54,167
"when you're around,
I can't help but stare.
123
00:04:54,167 --> 00:04:56,833
"I hope you will give
this student a chance
124
00:04:56,833 --> 00:04:59,733
"and be my date at
tonight's hoedown dance.
125
00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:03,700
Sincerely, your
secret admirer."
126
00:05:05,700 --> 00:05:08,100
- Hello, sir. Nice hat.
127
00:05:08,100 --> 00:05:11,300
- Thank you. I love a good
pinch front crease.
128
00:05:11,300 --> 00:05:13,567
Feldman?! What are you doing?
129
00:05:13,567 --> 00:05:15,233
- I'm driving for Lyft.
130
00:05:15,233 --> 00:05:16,600
But before you freak out,
131
00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:19,133
I'm only driving through
lunch, gym, art,
132
00:05:19,133 --> 00:05:21,067
and my prep period,
so technically,
133
00:05:21,067 --> 00:05:22,633
I am not doing anything wrong.
134
00:05:22,633 --> 00:05:24,167
- Do you do this all the time?
135
00:05:24,167 --> 00:05:26,267
- Only when I'm
short on rent.
136
00:05:26,267 --> 00:05:29,733
So yeah, I do it all the time.
137
00:05:29,733 --> 00:05:31,833
And we are off to...
138
00:05:31,833 --> 00:05:34,567
Pamper Me Royally Day Spa?
139
00:05:34,567 --> 00:05:35,733
- Oh, what?
140
00:05:35,733 --> 00:05:37,467
I want to look good
for the dance,
141
00:05:37,467 --> 00:05:38,800
so sue me.
142
00:05:41,533 --> 00:05:42,933
- Guess what, gang.
143
00:05:42,933 --> 00:05:45,700
We are gonna take
an early recess today.
144
00:05:45,700 --> 00:05:47,267
Doesn't that sound fun?
145
00:05:47,267 --> 00:05:48,333
Off you go.
146
00:05:48,333 --> 00:05:50,200
Come on.
Quick like bunnies.
147
00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:51,700
- Ms. Bennigan. Hello.
148
00:05:51,700 --> 00:05:52,900
- [whispering] Hot Dad.
149
00:05:52,900 --> 00:05:55,100
Hey there, mister, mister!
150
00:05:55,100 --> 00:05:56,633
- You look nice.
151
00:05:56,633 --> 00:05:57,967
- This old thing?
152
00:05:57,967 --> 00:06:00,200
I found this at the bottom
of a shoebox.
153
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:02,567
- A shoebox?
154
00:06:02,567 --> 00:06:04,133
Okay.
155
00:06:04,133 --> 00:06:06,300
Well, I'm glad that
you called me in.
156
00:06:06,300 --> 00:06:07,967
I've actually been wanting
to talk with you.
157
00:06:07,967 --> 00:06:09,833
- You have?
- As you know,
158
00:06:09,833 --> 00:06:11,400
Blake's mom is back in town,
159
00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:13,533
and we've been talking a lot.
160
00:06:13,533 --> 00:06:15,767
And we've decided--
- Ugh!
161
00:06:15,767 --> 00:06:17,300
Sorry, I'm late.
162
00:06:17,300 --> 00:06:20,367
Apparently you can't vape
on school grounds.
163
00:06:20,367 --> 00:06:21,300
- [whispering] Hot mess.
164
00:06:26,900 --> 00:06:28,700
- And Blake's been making
friends in class
165
00:06:28,700 --> 00:06:31,067
despite his age and drastic
size difference.
166
00:06:31,067 --> 00:06:33,800
- That's great.
But is there a problem?
167
00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:35,133
- Well, that depends.
168
00:06:35,133 --> 00:06:36,667
Did you both come here
in the same car?
169
00:06:36,667 --> 00:06:37,900
- What?
- Hmm?
170
00:06:37,900 --> 00:06:39,633
[laughs] I'm kidding.
171
00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:42,067
No. There's no problem.
172
00:06:42,067 --> 00:06:44,667
I'm just having
unnecessary conferences
173
00:06:44,667 --> 00:06:46,833
with all the parents,
but in the future,
174
00:06:46,833 --> 00:06:48,233
should I call you?
175
00:06:48,233 --> 00:06:49,467
Or you?
176
00:06:49,467 --> 00:06:51,267
Or will you be in
your house together,
177
00:06:51,267 --> 00:06:54,067
till death do you part, so I
only need to call one of you?
178
00:06:54,067 --> 00:06:55,600
- Um, you can just call me.
179
00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:56,867
- Okay! Great.
180
00:06:56,867 --> 00:06:58,333
'Cause that's what I'm used to.
181
00:06:58,333 --> 00:06:59,567
And I'd hate to have to break
my routine,
182
00:06:59,567 --> 00:07:01,433
you know what I mean, Sharon?
183
00:07:01,433 --> 00:07:03,767
[chortling]
184
00:07:03,767 --> 00:07:06,933
- Okay, well,
we should get going.
185
00:07:06,933 --> 00:07:08,400
- Back to the home
you both share?
186
00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:10,933
- I'm sorry, what was that?
- Huh? What?
187
00:07:10,933 --> 00:07:13,067
Nothing. Nothing at all.
188
00:07:13,067 --> 00:07:14,500
- We'll see you tonight.
- Tonight?
189
00:07:14,500 --> 00:07:16,667
- Yeah, we're chaperoning
the hoedown together.
190
00:07:16,667 --> 00:07:17,867
- Of course you are.
191
00:07:17,867 --> 00:07:19,467
Together.
192
00:07:19,467 --> 00:07:22,300
Okay, bye-bye.
193
00:07:22,300 --> 00:07:23,400
- Okay.
194
00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:25,967
Oh, do you wanna
hit up Burger Squeeze?
195
00:07:25,967 --> 00:07:28,067
All fried apps are half-price
before 3:00 p.m.
196
00:07:28,067 --> 00:07:30,667
and I am jonesing for
an onion ring tower!
197
00:07:32,733 --> 00:07:34,067
- [exhales]
198
00:07:34,067 --> 00:07:36,100
Kill me.
199
00:07:36,100 --> 00:07:38,400
- I know we're so excited
for the hoedown,
200
00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:40,367
and I'm sure you're all
probably wondering,
201
00:07:40,367 --> 00:07:42,900
who is Ms. Watson taking
to the dance tonight?
202
00:07:42,900 --> 00:07:44,867
- We assumed you
were going alone.
203
00:07:44,867 --> 00:07:46,967
- Don't play with me
today, Marco.
204
00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:49,467
Let's just say it's
not who I'm taking,
205
00:07:49,467 --> 00:07:50,867
it's what I'm taking.
206
00:07:50,867 --> 00:07:52,233
I'll give you a hint:
207
00:07:52,233 --> 00:07:54,867
I'm sure your stomachs
are "churning"
208
00:07:54,867 --> 00:07:56,433
in anticipation.
209
00:07:56,433 --> 00:07:58,767
- Huh?
210
00:07:58,767 --> 00:08:00,600
- Ta-da!
211
00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:02,133
Isn't it a beaut?
212
00:08:02,133 --> 00:08:04,967
- Your date's an old-timey
toilet plunger?
213
00:08:04,967 --> 00:08:07,167
- No, it's called
a butter churn.
214
00:08:07,167 --> 00:08:08,633
My ancestors brought it over
215
00:08:08,633 --> 00:08:10,467
a little ship called
"The Mayflower."
216
00:08:10,467 --> 00:08:11,967
Ever heard of it?
217
00:08:11,967 --> 00:08:13,333
I almost never take it out
218
00:08:13,333 --> 00:08:15,400
of its climate-controlled
storage space,
219
00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:18,233
but I thought that
the Fillmore Hoedown
220
00:08:18,233 --> 00:08:21,167
was an event worthy
of such an exception.
221
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:23,700
So... you're welcome.
222
00:08:23,700 --> 00:08:25,433
- Cool. Can I play with it?
223
00:08:25,433 --> 00:08:27,067
- Absolutely not.
224
00:08:27,067 --> 00:08:29,233
The acid on your fingers could
deteriorate the patina.
225
00:08:29,233 --> 00:08:30,567
- [coughs]
226
00:08:30,567 --> 00:08:32,233
- Okay, I can't have you
coughing near this.
227
00:08:32,233 --> 00:08:34,900
You gotta get out
of here, Marco.
228
00:08:34,900 --> 00:08:36,233
- Hi, Michael.
229
00:08:36,233 --> 00:08:37,733
- I'm really excited
about tonight.
230
00:08:37,733 --> 00:08:39,067
I was thinking we could watch
231
00:08:39,067 --> 00:08:40,467
"How Stella Got
Her Groove Back."
232
00:08:40,467 --> 00:08:42,733
Spoiler alert: she does.
233
00:08:42,733 --> 00:08:44,700
Hello? Deb?
234
00:08:44,700 --> 00:08:47,533
- Gets her groove back,
Yeah. Totally.
235
00:08:47,533 --> 00:08:50,500
Hi, Dan.
236
00:08:50,500 --> 00:08:53,700
Which one of these boys do you
think is most likely to invite
237
00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:56,733
someone older and more
mature to the dance?
238
00:08:56,733 --> 00:08:58,167
- What?
239
00:08:58,167 --> 00:08:59,067
- Nothing.
240
00:08:59,067 --> 00:09:00,867
- Ooh, you know what else?
241
00:09:00,867 --> 00:09:02,900
We should prank call
Christy Zwicky.
242
00:09:02,900 --> 00:09:05,900
- Richard.
Tobias. Nelson.
243
00:09:05,900 --> 00:09:07,667
How y'all doin'?
244
00:09:07,667 --> 00:09:10,667
[electronic dance music]
245
00:09:10,667 --> 00:09:11,933
*
246
00:09:11,933 --> 00:09:13,533
- Countdown to infamy
247
00:09:13,533 --> 00:09:15,933
in three, two, one--
248
00:09:15,933 --> 00:09:18,067
* Snap outta my life, boy
249
00:09:18,067 --> 00:09:20,067
* Snap outta my life
250
00:09:20,067 --> 00:09:21,900
* Snap outta my life, boy
251
00:09:21,900 --> 00:09:23,633
* Snap outta my life
252
00:09:23,633 --> 00:09:25,267
* I asked you for diamonds
253
00:09:25,267 --> 00:09:27,067
* I asked you for pearl...
254
00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:28,767
Oh, my God, stop.
255
00:09:28,767 --> 00:09:30,367
It's not that hard, people.
256
00:09:30,367 --> 00:09:32,767
Nora, you were off-tempo
the entire time.
257
00:09:32,767 --> 00:09:34,667
- I have an ear infection,
Ms. Snap.
258
00:09:34,667 --> 00:09:35,867
I can't hear very well.
259
00:09:35,867 --> 00:09:37,567
- That's not an excuse.
260
00:09:37,567 --> 00:09:39,833
Mozart was deaf and he wrote
a whole bunch of famous songs.
261
00:09:39,833 --> 00:09:41,933
- I think you mean Beethoven.
262
00:09:41,933 --> 00:09:44,767
- [scoffs] The dog
from the movie?
263
00:09:44,767 --> 00:09:45,967
Don't be an idiot, Nora.
264
00:09:45,967 --> 00:09:47,200
Tony, hit it.
265
00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:48,933
* Snap outta my life, boy
266
00:09:48,933 --> 00:09:50,833
* Snap outta my life
267
00:09:50,833 --> 00:09:52,367
* I asked you for a fur
268
00:09:52,367 --> 00:09:54,500
* I asked you for two furs
269
00:09:54,500 --> 00:09:56,067
* You gave me nothing
270
00:09:56,067 --> 00:09:57,533
[gasps]
* So get outta my life
271
00:09:57,533 --> 00:09:58,867
My back! [wheezes]
272
00:09:58,867 --> 00:10:00,200
Not today!
273
00:10:05,467 --> 00:10:08,167
- Feldman?
What are you doing here?
274
00:10:08,167 --> 00:10:09,767
Who's teaching your class?
275
00:10:09,767 --> 00:10:11,100
- They're at gym.
276
00:10:11,100 --> 00:10:13,200
Why are you going to the mall?
277
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:15,200
I thought you said that
place was where kids
278
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:17,900
with over-protective parents
go to get fingered.
279
00:10:17,900 --> 00:10:20,800
- Forget.
- Huh? Come on, man.
280
00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:22,067
You can tell me.
281
00:10:22,067 --> 00:10:23,833
Lyft cone of silence.
282
00:10:23,833 --> 00:10:25,133
- Fine.
283
00:10:25,133 --> 00:10:27,900
I need to buy a dress.
284
00:10:27,900 --> 00:10:29,233
Just drive.
285
00:10:31,033 --> 00:10:34,233
[uplifting music]
286
00:10:34,233 --> 00:10:38,833
*
287
00:10:38,833 --> 00:10:40,333
- What are you doing?
288
00:10:40,333 --> 00:10:42,800
- Mary-Louise, I can't
take this anymore.
289
00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:44,867
We both know we want this.
290
00:10:44,867 --> 00:10:46,867
*
291
00:10:49,567 --> 00:10:51,067
*
292
00:10:53,633 --> 00:10:54,800
*
293
00:10:55,667 --> 00:10:56,733
- [panting]
294
00:10:56,733 --> 00:10:59,733
[sultry music]
295
00:10:59,733 --> 00:11:06,933
*
296
00:11:15,433 --> 00:11:16,767
- [gasps]
297
00:11:16,767 --> 00:11:17,867
- You okay?
298
00:11:17,867 --> 00:11:19,200
- No.
299
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:20,467
I can't go to
the hoedown tonight
300
00:11:20,467 --> 00:11:21,833
and see Hot Dad
and his wife together.
301
00:11:21,833 --> 00:11:23,200
It'll kill me.
302
00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:24,933
- You need to have
a threesome with them.
303
00:11:24,933 --> 00:11:26,333
It'll help you understand
their love
304
00:11:26,333 --> 00:11:28,433
and allow you to let go
of some of this anxiety.
305
00:11:28,433 --> 00:11:29,800
- I'll just end up watching them
306
00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:31,600
make love while I
eat onion rings.
307
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:33,867
- [groans]
308
00:11:33,867 --> 00:11:35,400
You're both idiots.
309
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:36,833
What you need to do
is make him jealous.
310
00:11:36,833 --> 00:11:37,800
Find a date for tonight,
311
00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:39,400
put on a really low-cut top,
312
00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:41,067
take a bunch of photos
from a really high angle,
313
00:11:41,067 --> 00:11:42,233
and then post them Instagram
314
00:11:42,233 --> 00:11:44,067
with the hashtag
"Best Night Ever."
315
00:11:44,067 --> 00:11:46,433
- Yes! I know a ton of hot guys
from Bible camp.
316
00:11:46,433 --> 00:11:48,633
Like Jebediah!
He modeled for Modest Swimwear.
317
00:11:48,633 --> 00:11:50,867
Ooh, or Abraham, if he
hasn't succumbed
318
00:11:50,867 --> 00:11:52,767
to the allure of the gay
lifestyle again.
319
00:11:52,767 --> 00:11:55,767
[honky-tonk music]
320
00:11:55,767 --> 00:12:00,933
*
321
00:12:00,933 --> 00:12:02,200
- Ms. Watson.
322
00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:05,900
Is that a 17th-century
butter churn?
323
00:12:05,900 --> 00:12:08,367
With an original dash staff?
324
00:12:08,367 --> 00:12:10,300
- Why, yes.
Yes, it is.
325
00:12:10,300 --> 00:12:12,300
- I can see you're busy
326
00:12:12,300 --> 00:12:15,400
with this handsome piece
of American history.
327
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:18,567
It's a good thing I didn't
ask you to the dance tonight.
328
00:12:20,867 --> 00:12:22,267
Gotta scoot.
329
00:12:23,133 --> 00:12:24,900
Come on, partners!
330
00:12:24,900 --> 00:12:27,700
Hitch up your horses and get
boots a-stompin'!
331
00:12:27,700 --> 00:12:29,367
- Oh, hi, Chelsea,
332
00:12:29,367 --> 00:12:32,267
did you come to learn from this
relic from our nation's his--
333
00:12:32,267 --> 00:12:33,400
- No. Nobody cares.
334
00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:35,767
George. Where's your dad?
335
00:12:35,767 --> 00:12:37,833
- He's parking the car
and brought a producer.
336
00:12:37,833 --> 00:12:39,533
- [gasps]
337
00:12:41,133 --> 00:12:42,633
- What are you doing?
338
00:12:42,633 --> 00:12:45,067
- I capturing every detail
of the moment my life
339
00:12:45,067 --> 00:12:46,900
changed forever.
340
00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:48,267
Now go rehears with the others.
341
00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:49,867
And make sure Nora's
in the back.
342
00:12:49,867 --> 00:12:52,300
The way back.
343
00:12:52,300 --> 00:12:54,567
Oh, what? She's dead weight
and you know it.
344
00:12:54,567 --> 00:12:57,633
[moans]
345
00:12:57,633 --> 00:12:58,733
- What are those?
346
00:12:58,733 --> 00:13:00,433
- Muscle relaxants, Mom.
347
00:13:00,433 --> 00:13:02,633
Chill out.
My back is killing me.
348
00:13:02,633 --> 00:13:03,733
- Howdy, gals.
349
00:13:03,733 --> 00:13:05,633
- Mary-Louise! Wow.
350
00:13:05,633 --> 00:13:07,667
You look beautiful.
- Thank you.
351
00:13:07,667 --> 00:13:09,900
- Where's your date?
- Oh, I'm meeting him here.
352
00:13:09,900 --> 00:13:12,267
All the guys from church are
at a men's-only retreat
353
00:13:12,267 --> 00:13:13,933
in San Francisco.
354
00:13:13,933 --> 00:13:15,800
So my friend, Mary Catherine,
355
00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:19,067
offered to set me up with
a guy from her Bible study.
356
00:13:19,067 --> 00:13:21,633
- Mary-Louise!
357
00:13:21,633 --> 00:13:24,767
- I'm Jerry!
I'm your date!
358
00:13:24,767 --> 00:13:26,767
- Oh Mylanta.
359
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:32,967
[honky-tonk music]
360
00:13:32,967 --> 00:13:34,833
- I knew I couldn't
trust Mary Catherine.
361
00:13:34,833 --> 00:13:36,633
She's 70, and her only
job at church
362
00:13:36,633 --> 00:13:37,733
is to light the candles.
363
00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:39,100
What am I gonna do?
364
00:13:39,100 --> 00:13:40,600
- If you're lucky,
he'll just die.
365
00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:44,067
- By golly, Mary Catherine
said you were pretty,
366
00:13:44,067 --> 00:13:47,633
but she didn't tell me you
looked like Doris Day.
367
00:13:47,633 --> 00:13:49,067
- Who?
368
00:13:49,067 --> 00:13:50,367
- This is Cecelia.
369
00:13:50,367 --> 00:13:52,100
Reduce, re-use,
and leave a message.
370
00:13:52,100 --> 00:13:53,800
[machine beeps]
- [coughing]
371
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:56,200
[strained voice] Hey, girl,
just calling to let you know
372
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:58,967
that I'm feeling super sick.
373
00:13:58,967 --> 00:14:01,167
Don't think I'm gonna
make it out tonight.
374
00:14:01,167 --> 00:14:02,867
[hacking]
375
00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:07,200
Damien!
376
00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:08,833
Where's the good razor?!
377
00:14:08,833 --> 00:14:10,233
- You seem very nice, Jerry,
378
00:14:10,233 --> 00:14:12,200
but I think Mary Catherine
made a goof.
379
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:13,733
- Oh, Ms. Bennigan, hello.
380
00:14:13,733 --> 00:14:15,100
- Hey, girlfriend.
381
00:14:15,100 --> 00:14:17,400
- Hello, my friends.
382
00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:20,167
- Who's this?
- I'm her date.
383
00:14:20,167 --> 00:14:21,367
- Oh.
384
00:14:21,367 --> 00:14:23,067
Well, it's nice to meet you.
385
00:14:23,067 --> 00:14:25,333
- A younger woman!
Good for you.
386
00:14:25,333 --> 00:14:26,533
- [chuckling]
387
00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:28,467
- Jerry and I were
just leaving.
388
00:14:28,467 --> 00:14:29,700
- Oh, no.
No, no, no.
389
00:14:29,700 --> 00:14:31,533
It's so early.
I want to hang out.
390
00:14:31,533 --> 00:14:33,867
And I want to hear
how you two met.
391
00:14:33,867 --> 00:14:35,133
Does anyone want a beverage?
392
00:14:35,133 --> 00:14:36,933
I brought a little
something-something
393
00:14:36,933 --> 00:14:38,667
to give it a kick!
394
00:14:38,667 --> 00:14:40,333
- Would you like
to see an artifact?
395
00:14:40,333 --> 00:14:42,633
It's a true piece
of Americana.
396
00:14:42,633 --> 00:14:46,133
- Americana? It's nothing
but a dumb-ass butter churn.
397
00:14:46,133 --> 00:14:48,400
And that tiny hat is stupid.
398
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:51,067
[Alphaville's "Forever Young"]
399
00:14:51,067 --> 00:14:52,467
- * Let's dance in style *
400
00:14:52,467 --> 00:14:54,233
* Let's dance for a while *
401
00:14:54,233 --> 00:14:57,867
* Heaven can wait,
we're only watching the skies *
402
00:14:57,867 --> 00:15:01,367
* Hoping for the best
but expecting the worst *
403
00:15:01,367 --> 00:15:04,100
* Are you gonna drop
the bomb or not? *
404
00:15:04,100 --> 00:15:05,833
- Are you my secret admir...
405
00:15:05,833 --> 00:15:09,067
- * Let us die young
or let us live forever *
406
00:15:09,067 --> 00:15:11,733
- Hi, do you happen to be my...
407
00:15:11,733 --> 00:15:12,933
No?
408
00:15:12,933 --> 00:15:14,167
- * Sitting in a sandpit
409
00:15:14,167 --> 00:15:15,767
* Life is a short trip
410
00:15:15,767 --> 00:15:19,067
* The music's for the sad man *
411
00:15:19,067 --> 00:15:22,867
- [bleep] my life.
412
00:15:22,867 --> 00:15:24,433
Scoot.
413
00:15:24,433 --> 00:15:26,800
- * Turn our golden faces
into the sun *
414
00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:28,467
- So...
415
00:15:28,467 --> 00:15:30,367
I hope you didn't
double-park your horse.
416
00:15:30,367 --> 00:15:32,333
- No, I always valet my horse.
417
00:15:32,333 --> 00:15:33,367
- You rode a horse here?
418
00:15:33,367 --> 00:15:35,133
- No. We were joking, right?
419
00:15:35,133 --> 00:15:37,733
- Oh. Yeah.
Yee-haw!
420
00:15:37,733 --> 00:15:41,067
- Damn, they don't have
any sugar-free drinks here.
421
00:15:41,067 --> 00:15:42,533
I need my insulin.
422
00:15:42,533 --> 00:15:44,367
Hold this.
- What?
423
00:15:44,367 --> 00:15:47,900
What are you doing? Oh...
424
00:15:47,900 --> 00:15:50,733
- [laughing]
425
00:15:50,733 --> 00:15:54,367
So... was it love
at first sight?
426
00:15:55,700 --> 00:15:57,167
- Gosh, no.
427
00:15:57,167 --> 00:15:58,800
- The love of my life?
428
00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:02,967
I met her when I was
serving in Pyongyang.
429
00:16:02,967 --> 00:16:05,800
[heavy electronic music]
430
00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:06,833
Incoming!
431
00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:08,200
Run, Song-Mi!
432
00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:10,533
Don't let 'em get
to the water supply!
433
00:16:10,533 --> 00:16:13,067
- Get on your feet, freaks!
434
00:16:13,067 --> 00:16:15,067
My muscles are relaxed!
435
00:16:15,067 --> 00:16:16,433
Countdown to infamy.
436
00:16:16,433 --> 00:16:18,800
In three, two, one--
437
00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:21,133
* Snap outta my life, boy
438
00:16:21,133 --> 00:16:22,633
* Snap outta my life
439
00:16:22,633 --> 00:16:24,633
- Oh, no.
- * Snap outta my life, boy
440
00:16:24,633 --> 00:16:26,400
* Snap outta my life
441
00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:28,467
* I asked you for diamonds
442
00:16:28,467 --> 00:16:30,233
* I asked you for pearls
443
00:16:30,233 --> 00:16:32,133
* You gave me nothing
444
00:16:32,133 --> 00:16:33,400
* So get out of my life
445
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:35,067
- Ms. Snap, this is a hoedown!
446
00:16:35,067 --> 00:16:36,067
- * Snap outta my life, boy
447
00:16:36,067 --> 00:16:37,233
* Snap outta my life
448
00:16:37,233 --> 00:16:39,067
* Snap outta my life, boy
449
00:16:39,067 --> 00:16:40,200
- Okay, okay, Chelsea--
450
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:41,500
okay, don't touch it!
451
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:44,300
- That's a 17th-century
butter churn!
452
00:16:44,300 --> 00:16:47,600
- Please get off of it!
Get off of it!
453
00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:49,833
Noooo!
454
00:16:51,300 --> 00:16:53,900
- [groaning]
455
00:16:53,900 --> 00:16:55,633
George?!
456
00:16:57,133 --> 00:16:59,067
Where's your dad?
Where's The Howler?
457
00:16:59,067 --> 00:17:00,133
Did he see that?
458
00:17:00,133 --> 00:17:01,500
- He walked out.
459
00:17:01,500 --> 00:17:03,300
- You ruined my life.
460
00:17:05,167 --> 00:17:06,900
- How many men did we lose?
461
00:17:06,900 --> 00:17:08,233
- None, Jerry.
462
00:17:08,233 --> 00:17:09,600
We're not in Korea.
463
00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:11,733
- The hell we're not!
464
00:17:11,733 --> 00:17:13,333
- Come on, let's get you home.
465
00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:14,667
I'll call you a Lyft.
466
00:17:19,233 --> 00:17:20,567
- Cute couple.
467
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:25,167
- Feldman?!
- Surge prices, dude!
468
00:17:25,167 --> 00:17:27,633
- I had a lovely time.
- Yup!
469
00:17:30,967 --> 00:17:32,967
- Wait, is that a Lyft?
470
00:17:34,100 --> 00:17:35,367
- Mrs. Adler?
471
00:17:35,367 --> 00:17:36,733
- Hi, Corey.
472
00:17:38,533 --> 00:17:39,667
Are you...?
473
00:17:39,667 --> 00:17:41,500
- Yeah, I'm sorry I'm late.
474
00:17:41,500 --> 00:17:44,633
My dad made me clean up
my room before I left.
475
00:17:44,633 --> 00:17:46,233
May I have this dance?
476
00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:47,967
- [giggles]
477
00:17:50,067 --> 00:17:51,067
- What happened?
478
00:17:51,067 --> 00:17:52,500
- What are you doing here?
479
00:17:52,500 --> 00:17:54,233
- Deb and I were supposed to
have a girls' night
480
00:17:54,233 --> 00:17:57,400
but she got sick, so I decided
to come see how lame this was.
481
00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:04,200
Oh, hell no!
I got Zwicki'd?!
482
00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:05,500
- Ms. Cannon!
483
00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:07,267
Come dance with us.
- What?
484
00:18:07,267 --> 00:18:08,600
- Come dance with us!
485
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:11,433
- You sure?
- Yeah, come on!
486
00:18:11,433 --> 00:18:14,433
- Okay.
487
00:18:14,433 --> 00:18:15,967
- Ms. Watson?
488
00:18:15,967 --> 00:18:19,633
I know I'm not as exciting
as a colonial butter churn,
489
00:18:19,633 --> 00:18:22,133
but will you do me the honor?
490
00:18:22,133 --> 00:18:24,533
- Do you know how to do
the Virginia Reel?
491
00:18:24,533 --> 00:18:25,967
- I hope so.
492
00:18:25,967 --> 00:18:28,200
My people came over
on "The Mayflower."
493
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:31,233
[bright pop music]
494
00:18:31,233 --> 00:18:35,967
*
495
00:18:35,967 --> 00:18:37,333
- Hey, Ms. Bennigan.
496
00:18:37,333 --> 00:18:38,767
I-is Jerry okay?
497
00:18:38,767 --> 00:18:41,433
- Yeah. He's fine.
498
00:18:41,433 --> 00:18:42,633
He's not my date.
499
00:18:42,633 --> 00:18:43,933
- That's what I figured.
500
00:18:43,933 --> 00:18:47,300
But it was nice of you
to let him think that.
501
00:18:47,300 --> 00:18:48,500
- Where's Sharon?
502
00:18:48,500 --> 00:18:49,833
- She left.
503
00:18:49,833 --> 00:18:51,467
- She left in the middle
of your date?
504
00:18:51,467 --> 00:18:52,967
- It wasn't a date.
505
00:18:52,967 --> 00:18:55,600
That's what I was trying
to tell you this morning.
506
00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:57,200
Sharon and I aren't together.
507
00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:59,067
We're just working on trying
508
00:18:59,067 --> 00:19:00,600
to co-parent Blake.
509
00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:03,333
- Oh. Your relationship
didn't work out.
510
00:19:03,333 --> 00:19:04,800
That's great!
511
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:07,400
I-I mean, not great for you,
512
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:09,900
but great for someone like me.
513
00:19:09,900 --> 00:19:12,700
I'm gonna stop talking now.
514
00:19:12,700 --> 00:19:15,233
- May I have this dance?
515
00:19:15,233 --> 00:19:18,833
- * Can you imagine
when this race is won *
516
00:19:18,833 --> 00:19:22,367
* Turn our golden faces
into the sun *
517
00:19:22,367 --> 00:19:25,467
* Praising our leaders,
we're getting in tune *
518
00:19:25,467 --> 00:19:29,367
* The music's played by the,
the madman *
519
00:19:29,367 --> 00:19:31,567
* Forever young
520
00:19:31,567 --> 00:19:34,867
* I want to be
forever young *
521
00:19:34,867 --> 00:19:36,267
*
522
00:19:36,267 --> 00:19:39,267
* Do you really want
to live forever *
523
00:19:39,267 --> 00:19:40,200
* Forever...
524
00:19:45,300 --> 00:19:48,100
- Will someone please tell me
how I got here?!
525
00:19:48,100 --> 00:19:49,700
- Hey, sweet-tits.
526
00:19:49,700 --> 00:19:52,400
You passed out last night
before we could do it.
527
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:55,300
How about a quickie now
before we leave, huh?
528
00:19:55,300 --> 00:19:56,733
- Uh...
- Hey, dude.
529
00:19:56,733 --> 00:19:58,267
Dropped you off here last night.
530
00:19:58,267 --> 00:20:00,600
Figured you might need
a ride to school this morning.
531
00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:02,667
- Threesome maybe?
532
00:20:02,667 --> 00:20:04,733
- [laughs nervously]
533
00:20:04,733 --> 00:20:08,033
- You'll be back.
They always come back.
534
00:20:11,133 --> 00:20:14,133
[rock music]
535
00:20:14,133 --> 00:20:21,067
*
536
00:20:22,167 --> 00:20:24,800
- * Tear it down
537
00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:27,633
* Tear it down
538
00:20:27,633 --> 00:20:30,400
* Tear it down
539
00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:32,600
* Tear it down
540
00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:36,067
- Oh, yeah.
36768
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