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1
00:00:06,733 --> 00:00:07,767
- Okay, party people.
2
00:00:07,767 --> 00:00:09,800
Chelsea will be here any second.
3
00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:11,133
Does anyone want to help me?
4
00:00:11,133 --> 00:00:13,167
- I'd help,
but I don't want to.
5
00:00:13,167 --> 00:00:14,167
- [gasps]
Here she comes!
6
00:00:14,167 --> 00:00:15,767
Hit the deck!
[grunts]
7
00:00:16,867 --> 00:00:18,567
Happy birthday!
8
00:00:18,567 --> 00:00:21,167
- [shrieks]
Is it my birthday?
9
00:00:21,167 --> 00:00:22,667
I totally forgot.
10
00:00:22,667 --> 00:00:24,133
- [gasps]
11
00:00:24,133 --> 00:00:26,133
- Happy birthday, Chelsea.
- Happy birthday, Chelsea.
12
00:00:26,133 --> 00:00:27,733
- Happy birthday, Chels.
- Happy birthday.
13
00:00:27,733 --> 00:00:28,833
- Aww.
14
00:00:28,833 --> 00:00:30,700
A homemade card
from five adults.
15
00:00:30,700 --> 00:00:32,067
How thoughtful.
16
00:00:32,067 --> 00:00:34,100
- There's a $30
Hollister gift card in there.
17
00:00:34,100 --> 00:00:35,733
- [gasps] In that case,
I will keep it.
18
00:00:35,733 --> 00:00:37,267
[laughs]
19
00:00:37,267 --> 00:00:39,333
- I've got loads of neat-o
birthday surprises
20
00:00:39,333 --> 00:00:42,033
set up throughout the day.
21
00:00:42,033 --> 00:00:44,400
But first, make a wish.
22
00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:47,533
- What does someone wish for
who has everything?
23
00:00:47,533 --> 00:00:49,033
- Aren't you still a size 4?
24
00:00:49,033 --> 00:00:50,967
- Eat my [bleep], Deb.
25
00:00:50,967 --> 00:00:52,800
[whispers]
Please make me a size 2.
26
00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:54,600
[blows, laughs]
27
00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:56,000
I'm not gonna eat that,
though.
28
00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:57,000
- Okay, I didn't plan on it.
29
00:00:57,000 --> 00:00:58,033
[rock music]
30
00:00:58,033 --> 00:01:00,900
- * Tear it down
31
00:01:00,900 --> 00:01:02,567
* Tear it down
32
00:01:02,567 --> 00:01:04,800
- Oh, my God!
[rhythmic beeping]
33
00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:06,067
- How did this happen?
34
00:01:06,067 --> 00:01:07,167
- This is
the end of days.
35
00:01:07,167 --> 00:01:08,567
[beeping]
36
00:01:08,567 --> 00:01:10,333
- I can't teach a lesson
on Colonial America
37
00:01:10,333 --> 00:01:11,367
without handouts.
38
00:01:11,367 --> 00:01:13,367
I'm good, but I'm not God.
39
00:01:13,367 --> 00:01:15,067
- I'm teaching vocabulary today.
40
00:01:15,067 --> 00:01:16,900
What am I supposed to do?
41
00:01:16,900 --> 00:01:19,067
Write 25 words
on the whiteboard?
42
00:01:19,067 --> 00:01:20,567
Have all the kids
take out paper?
43
00:01:20,567 --> 00:01:21,867
Pencils?
44
00:01:21,867 --> 00:01:23,667
Have them copy all the words
from the whiteboard?
45
00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:26,367
Erase the whiteboard?
This is insane!
46
00:01:26,367 --> 00:01:27,767
- Is there a manual?
47
00:01:30,233 --> 00:01:31,367
[manual thuds]
48
00:01:32,900 --> 00:01:35,267
- Yep. We [bleep].
49
00:01:35,267 --> 00:01:38,067
- Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
50
00:01:38,067 --> 00:01:39,567
Ms. Snap is
the prettiest teacher,
51
00:01:39,567 --> 00:01:41,567
much prettier than any of you.
52
00:01:41,567 --> 00:01:43,633
We celebrate her today
as one of the greats.
53
00:01:43,633 --> 00:01:46,900
Anyone would be lucky
to have her skinny traits.
54
00:01:46,900 --> 00:01:48,700
Happy birthday, Ms. Snap.
55
00:01:48,700 --> 00:01:51,167
- I am so touched
that you wrote that.
56
00:01:51,167 --> 00:01:54,167
- You said it was 25%
of our writing grade.
57
00:01:54,167 --> 00:01:56,667
- You can sit down now,
Danielle.
58
00:01:56,667 --> 00:01:58,500
- How old are you turning,
Ms. Snap?
59
00:01:58,500 --> 00:02:00,900
- Oh, how old do you think I am?
60
00:02:00,900 --> 00:02:02,067
- 60?
61
00:02:02,067 --> 00:02:03,767
- [laughs]
Very funny, Kyle.
62
00:02:03,767 --> 00:02:05,100
- She's not 60.
63
00:02:05,100 --> 00:02:06,067
- Thank you, Danielle.
64
00:02:06,067 --> 00:02:07,400
- Her skin just looks old
65
00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:08,867
'cause she has lots
of sun damage.
66
00:02:08,867 --> 00:02:09,967
She's probably 40.
67
00:02:09,967 --> 00:02:10,967
- Wait, what?
68
00:02:10,967 --> 00:02:12,300
- I think she's 48.
69
00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:13,633
That's how old my Aunt Kim is.
70
00:02:13,633 --> 00:02:16,200
She wears the same clothes
as Ms. Snap.
71
00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:18,067
She calls them
her truck stop dresses.
72
00:02:18,067 --> 00:02:20,900
- Okay, what is going on
right now?
73
00:02:20,900 --> 00:02:22,467
Is this some sick joke?
74
00:02:22,467 --> 00:02:23,767
- I'm telling you, she's 60.
75
00:02:23,767 --> 00:02:25,067
Look at the neck.
76
00:02:25,067 --> 00:02:27,233
It's like a tree.
Each ring is a year.
77
00:02:27,233 --> 00:02:29,067
One, two--
78
00:02:29,067 --> 00:02:30,467
- That is it.
79
00:02:30,467 --> 00:02:32,367
No one is gonna have
recess today.
80
00:02:32,367 --> 00:02:34,767
Everyone take out
your workbooks!
81
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:38,133
[gasps]
82
00:02:38,133 --> 00:02:40,833
- Wait.
Why does it say you're 31?
83
00:02:40,833 --> 00:02:43,300
- Because that's how old I am,
Tina!
84
00:02:43,300 --> 00:02:46,233
- Since Ms. Watson
couldn't make copies today,
85
00:02:46,233 --> 00:02:47,433
we're all going to take turns
86
00:02:47,433 --> 00:02:49,767
looking at this vocabulary list,
87
00:02:49,767 --> 00:02:50,967
learn what we can,
88
00:02:50,967 --> 00:02:52,900
and then pass it on, okay?
89
00:02:52,900 --> 00:02:55,533
- Why don't you just write
the words on the whiteboard?
90
00:02:55,533 --> 00:02:57,500
- Did your mother
drive you to school this morning
91
00:02:57,500 --> 00:02:58,967
in a horse and buggy?
92
00:02:58,967 --> 00:03:00,600
- No.
93
00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:03,533
- Then don't expect me
to write on a whiteboard.
94
00:03:03,533 --> 00:03:06,300
Read it and pass it on, Marco.
95
00:03:06,300 --> 00:03:07,867
- "Press the release lever.
96
00:03:07,867 --> 00:03:10,933
Adjust the side fences
to the paper size."
97
00:03:10,933 --> 00:03:12,233
- Okay.
98
00:03:12,233 --> 00:03:15,367
Now, does anyone know
what that means? Hmm?
99
00:03:15,367 --> 00:03:18,833
- Why are we reading
the "Kopy King User Guide"
100
00:03:18,833 --> 00:03:20,100
instead of "Shiloh"?
101
00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:22,200
- Because we're trying
to find out
102
00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:25,133
what's happens
to Mr. Copier.
103
00:03:25,133 --> 00:03:27,267
Ooh.
104
00:03:27,267 --> 00:03:30,267
[light jazzy music]
105
00:03:30,267 --> 00:03:31,267
*
106
00:03:31,267 --> 00:03:32,600
- Hey, why don't we--
107
00:03:34,067 --> 00:03:36,833
[exhales sharply]
Yeah, I got nothing.
108
00:03:36,833 --> 00:03:38,867
*
109
00:03:38,867 --> 00:03:42,733
- Thanks for sharing that
cool pigeon feather, Tracy.
110
00:03:42,733 --> 00:03:47,867
It really opened up a neat
discussion about disease.
111
00:03:47,867 --> 00:03:49,467
Okay!
Blake.
112
00:03:49,467 --> 00:03:51,500
What did you bring
for show-and-tell today?
113
00:03:51,500 --> 00:03:54,567
- Uh, well, you told me
to bring my dad.
114
00:03:54,567 --> 00:03:55,800
- No, I didn't.
115
00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:57,167
- Yes, you did.
116
00:03:57,167 --> 00:03:58,367
- Nope.
117
00:04:01,433 --> 00:04:03,267
- So, uh...
[chuckles]
118
00:04:03,267 --> 00:04:04,500
I guess that's my cue.
119
00:04:04,500 --> 00:04:07,433
Ms. Bennigan.
120
00:04:07,433 --> 00:04:08,667
Okay, everyone.
121
00:04:08,667 --> 00:04:10,300
I am Blake's dad.
122
00:04:10,300 --> 00:04:14,500
I'm not really sure
what I'm supposed to show...
123
00:04:14,500 --> 00:04:18,200
- [laughing]
124
00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:19,867
- Or tell...
125
00:04:19,867 --> 00:04:23,800
Uh, but does anyone have
any questions for me?
126
00:04:25,067 --> 00:04:26,100
Yes.
127
00:04:26,100 --> 00:04:27,133
- You're a dad.
128
00:04:27,133 --> 00:04:28,367
Why aren't you at work?
129
00:04:28,367 --> 00:04:30,233
- I'm a stay-at-home dad.
130
00:04:30,233 --> 00:04:31,633
- That's not a real job.
131
00:04:31,633 --> 00:04:34,067
- [chuckles]
Well, actually it is.
132
00:04:34,067 --> 00:04:35,400
Uh, being a stay-at-home parent
133
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:37,467
is one of the toughest jobs
that there is,
134
00:04:37,467 --> 00:04:39,767
after being a teacher,
of course.
135
00:04:39,767 --> 00:04:41,233
- [gasps]
136
00:04:41,233 --> 00:04:42,433
- But that's not all that I do.
137
00:04:42,433 --> 00:04:44,067
How I actually earn my living
138
00:04:44,067 --> 00:04:47,833
is by running a nonprofit
animal rescue out of my house.
139
00:04:47,833 --> 00:04:49,700
- [whispers]
Hot Animal Rescuer.
140
00:04:49,700 --> 00:04:52,700
- There are doors within doors.
141
00:04:52,700 --> 00:04:55,267
This is some straight-up
Narnia shit.
142
00:04:55,267 --> 00:04:56,967
- My kids thinks I'm 60.
143
00:04:56,967 --> 00:04:58,067
Can you believe it?
144
00:04:58,067 --> 00:04:59,433
In the right overalls,
145
00:04:59,433 --> 00:05:01,067
I can still buy
a child's movie ticket.
146
00:05:01,067 --> 00:05:03,433
- Don't let them get you down.
Kids lack perspective.
147
00:05:03,433 --> 00:05:04,667
Today I had a student tell me
148
00:05:04,667 --> 00:05:06,433
I look like Fantine
from "Les Mis."
149
00:05:06,433 --> 00:05:07,967
[chuckles]
150
00:05:07,967 --> 00:05:10,667
- Chelsea, you've got
nothing to worry about.
151
00:05:10,667 --> 00:05:12,600
You look exactly your age.
152
00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:14,267
- That is literally
the rudest thing
153
00:05:14,267 --> 00:05:15,633
anyone has ever said to me.
154
00:05:15,633 --> 00:05:17,967
[sighs]
On the bright side,
155
00:05:17,967 --> 00:05:20,233
at least I'm younger
than all you hos.
156
00:05:20,233 --> 00:05:23,400
[chuckles]
157
00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:26,167
Wait, Cecelia,
how old are you?
158
00:05:26,167 --> 00:05:27,233
- 30.
159
00:05:27,233 --> 00:05:29,267
- Caroline?
- 29.
160
00:05:29,267 --> 00:05:30,933
- Feldman?
- 25.
161
00:05:30,933 --> 00:05:33,133
- Mary Louise?
- Please don't make me say it.
162
00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:34,333
- Mary Louise?
- 24.
163
00:05:34,333 --> 00:05:35,400
I'm so sorry, Chelsea.
164
00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:36,700
I wish I'd never been born.
165
00:05:36,700 --> 00:05:38,400
- Okay.
[laughs]
166
00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:40,267
You have to be older
than me.
167
00:05:40,267 --> 00:05:41,533
You're so bitter.
168
00:05:41,533 --> 00:05:43,633
- Just wait
until I'm your age.
169
00:05:43,633 --> 00:05:46,167
- Oh, my God.
170
00:05:46,167 --> 00:05:49,667
When did I become the old guy
with goggles from 'NSYNC?
171
00:05:49,667 --> 00:05:52,400
You.
I have to be younger than you.
172
00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:53,533
- You got me, bitch.
173
00:05:53,533 --> 00:05:54,600
I'm 56.
174
00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:56,667
- Oh, thank God.
175
00:05:56,667 --> 00:05:58,667
- I wouldn't get so excited.
176
00:05:58,667 --> 00:06:00,167
You're the one
with a chin hair
177
00:06:00,167 --> 00:06:02,433
hanging off your face.
178
00:06:02,433 --> 00:06:05,200
[dramatic music]
179
00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:06,700
- [gasps]
180
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:09,433
- And that's not the only place
you'll get them.
181
00:06:09,433 --> 00:06:10,500
*
182
00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:12,967
Welcome to the dark side.
183
00:06:12,967 --> 00:06:15,233
- * You're another year older *
184
00:06:15,233 --> 00:06:16,533
- Not now, Josiah!
185
00:06:16,533 --> 00:06:17,667
- [sobbing]
186
00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:23,767
- Get out of my way.
- I'm getting that DVD player.
187
00:06:23,767 --> 00:06:25,600
- Like hell you are!
- Feldman, no!
188
00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:27,667
- Seriously,
I need that DVD player!
189
00:06:27,667 --> 00:06:29,633
- Aww.
You snooze you lose.
190
00:06:29,633 --> 00:06:30,733
- Great.
191
00:06:30,733 --> 00:06:32,200
What are we
supposed to do now?
192
00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:33,400
[cart clattering]
193
00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:35,267
[dramatic musical flourish]
194
00:06:35,267 --> 00:06:37,300
both: Art!
195
00:06:37,300 --> 00:06:38,367
- Cecelia!
196
00:06:38,367 --> 00:06:39,367
I need to talk to you!
197
00:06:39,367 --> 00:06:40,600
- No, I need to talk to you!
198
00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:41,667
- Come on!
I'll buy you kale chips!
199
00:06:41,667 --> 00:06:43,233
- I'll start recycling!
200
00:06:47,467 --> 00:06:49,567
- Sorry I'm early,
but I need a place to hide.
201
00:06:49,567 --> 00:06:51,067
[harp glissando]
202
00:06:51,067 --> 00:06:52,433
[exotic percussive music]
203
00:06:52,433 --> 00:06:54,200
What happened to you?
204
00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:55,700
- Nothing.
205
00:06:55,700 --> 00:06:57,700
I just picked up a few things
at the mall over lunch.
206
00:06:57,700 --> 00:07:00,067
- Look, I know turning 31
is wigging you out,
207
00:07:00,067 --> 00:07:01,767
but I think you're
overcompensating a little.
208
00:07:01,767 --> 00:07:03,233
- No, I'm not.
209
00:07:03,233 --> 00:07:04,933
My looks are my everything,
and it has recently
210
00:07:04,933 --> 00:07:07,200
come to my attention
that I'm a fugly old hag.
211
00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:09,067
- Outer beauty is fleeting,
Chelsea.
212
00:07:09,067 --> 00:07:11,100
There's so much more to life.
213
00:07:11,100 --> 00:07:12,200
- Oh, my God.
214
00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:14,067
That is what they say
to ugly people.
215
00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:17,133
And everything I want in life
requires me to be young and hot.
216
00:07:17,133 --> 00:07:18,067
- Like what?
217
00:07:18,067 --> 00:07:19,300
- Like getting on a reality show
218
00:07:19,300 --> 00:07:21,100
before I start looking
like Mickey Rourke!
219
00:07:21,100 --> 00:07:23,100
- Happy birthday!
Happy birthday!
220
00:07:23,100 --> 00:07:25,067
- That again!
[screams]
221
00:07:25,067 --> 00:07:27,133
[screaming]
222
00:07:27,133 --> 00:07:29,467
- That was a great
show-and-tell.
223
00:07:29,467 --> 00:07:30,700
- I didn't talk about
224
00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:32,167
the stay-at-home parent thing
too much?
225
00:07:32,167 --> 00:07:33,300
- No.
226
00:07:33,300 --> 00:07:34,433
I think you're doing
a great job
227
00:07:34,433 --> 00:07:35,800
juggling so many things.
228
00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:38,567
You're like
the Ryan Seacrest of dads.
229
00:07:38,567 --> 00:07:40,067
- [chuckles]
Thanks.
230
00:07:40,067 --> 00:07:41,900
- Although it sounds
like someone
231
00:07:41,900 --> 00:07:43,733
deserves a night off.
232
00:07:43,733 --> 00:07:45,267
- Well, easier said than done.
233
00:07:45,267 --> 00:07:47,800
I was hoping to go
to this free EMT course tonight,
234
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:49,667
but my babysitter
just fell through.
235
00:07:49,667 --> 00:07:51,200
- I can babysit.
236
00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:53,267
- Oh, I couldn't ask you
to do that.
237
00:07:53,267 --> 00:07:54,300
- I don't mind.
238
00:07:54,300 --> 00:07:55,433
- Are you sure?
239
00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:56,467
You don't have other plans?
240
00:07:56,467 --> 00:07:57,533
- No. I have nothing.
241
00:07:57,533 --> 00:07:59,400
Nothing is going on tonight.
242
00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:01,333
It's not like it's my best
friend's birthday or anything.
243
00:08:01,333 --> 00:08:03,200
And even if it was,
who cares about her?
244
00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:06,433
[laughing]
245
00:08:06,433 --> 00:08:09,200
[rock music]
246
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:10,867
- Why aren't we doing math?
247
00:08:10,867 --> 00:08:13,367
- Because my reality TV
clock is ticking.
248
00:08:13,367 --> 00:08:16,133
Now send in that
"Redneck Island" application.
249
00:08:16,133 --> 00:08:17,867
[gasps] And tell them
I don't know who my dad is.
250
00:08:17,867 --> 00:08:19,333
[tablet beeps]
251
00:08:19,333 --> 00:08:20,800
- It's not letting me
submit the application.
252
00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:22,100
- Why not?
253
00:08:22,100 --> 00:08:23,833
- It says you exceed
the age limit.
254
00:08:23,833 --> 00:08:26,133
[tablet beeps]
- Mine says you're too old too.
255
00:08:26,133 --> 00:08:28,167
- Well, they can't
all say that.
256
00:08:28,167 --> 00:08:30,133
- The "Rich Kids
of Beverly Hills" says no,
257
00:08:30,133 --> 00:08:32,567
but the E! Channel
wants you for something else.
258
00:08:32,567 --> 00:08:33,767
- Yes!
259
00:08:33,767 --> 00:08:34,800
What is it?
260
00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:35,800
- "Botched."
261
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:37,333
- "Botched"?
262
00:08:37,333 --> 00:08:40,067
"Botched" is a show about
botched plastic surgery, Kyle!
263
00:08:40,067 --> 00:08:42,833
Do I look botched to you?
264
00:08:42,833 --> 00:08:45,133
Don't answer that!
265
00:08:45,133 --> 00:08:47,767
Okay, everyone take out
your tabloids and silent read.
266
00:08:52,833 --> 00:08:57,200
[harp glissando]
267
00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:58,200
Ahh!
268
00:08:59,633 --> 00:09:01,800
[copier beeps and whirs]
269
00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:03,867
[beeping]
- No, no, no, no, no!
270
00:09:03,867 --> 00:09:06,267
How can there be a paper jam
if there's no paper, huh?
271
00:09:06,267 --> 00:09:09,700
You're ruining our lives,
you piece of shit!
272
00:09:09,700 --> 00:09:12,533
Oh, my God!
I am too rich for this!
273
00:09:12,533 --> 00:09:15,067
[shredder whirring]
274
00:09:15,067 --> 00:09:16,067
What are you doing?
275
00:09:16,067 --> 00:09:17,233
- Shredding my dreams.
276
00:09:17,233 --> 00:09:18,533
- Chelsea,
one of the great things
277
00:09:18,533 --> 00:09:19,967
about getting older is
278
00:09:19,967 --> 00:09:21,267
you don't have to focus
so much on your looks.
279
00:09:21,267 --> 00:09:23,067
Now it's all
about your personality.
280
00:09:23,067 --> 00:09:25,067
- I would rather
fill my pockets with stones
281
00:09:25,067 --> 00:09:26,867
and walk into Lake Michigan.
282
00:09:26,867 --> 00:09:27,933
- Chelsea!
283
00:09:27,933 --> 00:09:29,400
Guess what.
- What?
284
00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:31,600
- I'm going over
to Hot Dad's tonight!
285
00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:32,967
- Wait, what?
- Really?
286
00:09:32,967 --> 00:09:34,233
- Yeah, I'm going over
to his house...
287
00:09:34,233 --> 00:09:36,233
to babysit.
[sighs]
288
00:09:36,233 --> 00:09:38,500
This could be the first day
of the rest of my life.
289
00:09:38,500 --> 00:09:39,900
"How'd y'all meet?"
290
00:09:39,900 --> 00:09:41,367
"Oh, I don't know, babysitting."
[chuckles]
291
00:09:41,367 --> 00:09:44,967
- Mary Louise,
he's not going to be there.
292
00:09:44,967 --> 00:09:47,667
You're babysitting.
293
00:09:47,667 --> 00:09:48,933
- Maybe if you show up
looking hot,
294
00:09:48,933 --> 00:09:50,567
you can get him to stay home.
295
00:09:50,567 --> 00:09:51,933
It could work.
296
00:09:51,933 --> 00:09:53,300
[voice breaking]
You're still young.
297
00:09:53,300 --> 00:09:54,333
- Oh, my stars.
298
00:09:54,333 --> 00:09:56,067
[gasps]
This could be it.
299
00:09:56,067 --> 00:09:57,700
I have the perfect outfit.
300
00:09:57,700 --> 00:09:59,600
[laughs]
Thanks, gals!
301
00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:01,133
- Have fun!
302
00:10:01,133 --> 00:10:03,167
It's not like it's my birthday
or anything.
303
00:10:03,167 --> 00:10:04,400
[shredder whirring]
[gasps]
304
00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:05,600
My hair!
My hair!
305
00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:06,933
Oh, it's eating my hair!
306
00:10:06,933 --> 00:10:08,600
- Oh, my God!
- It's eating me!
307
00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:12,700
- Wait! No talking!
- My $15 hair extensions!
308
00:10:12,700 --> 00:10:13,800
[screams]
309
00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:16,933
[sighing]
310
00:10:16,933 --> 00:10:18,067
That was close.
311
00:10:19,367 --> 00:10:20,867
What?
312
00:10:20,867 --> 00:10:22,567
- Okay, don't freak out.
313
00:10:22,567 --> 00:10:25,400
This happened to my Samantha
American Girl doll once,
314
00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:27,267
and I can totally fix it.
315
00:10:28,533 --> 00:10:30,700
- [gasps]
316
00:10:30,700 --> 00:10:33,467
I have mom hair?
317
00:10:36,900 --> 00:10:38,833
- * Tear it down
318
00:10:40,333 --> 00:10:42,267
- Stop staring at me,
Feldman.
319
00:10:42,267 --> 00:10:44,700
- Sorry, Mom--
ma'am--Chelsea.
320
00:10:44,700 --> 00:10:46,500
- Cheer up.
We all made casseroles
321
00:10:46,500 --> 00:10:47,700
for your birthday.
322
00:10:47,700 --> 00:10:49,000
- Your hair
doesn't look so bad.
323
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:50,267
I like how spiky it is.
324
00:10:50,267 --> 00:10:52,700
- I look like Rod Stewart.
325
00:10:52,700 --> 00:10:53,933
- Here.
326
00:10:53,933 --> 00:10:55,500
Have some
sweet potato casserole.
327
00:10:55,500 --> 00:10:58,333
It always lifted my spirits
on the overcast days
328
00:10:58,333 --> 00:11:00,467
when we summered
in Nantucket.
329
00:11:00,467 --> 00:11:03,067
- [sniffs]
Oh, this smells like a fart.
330
00:11:03,067 --> 00:11:05,133
- You know what
would lift my spirits?
331
00:11:05,133 --> 00:11:07,867
If we got that piece of crap
copier fixed.
332
00:11:07,867 --> 00:11:09,333
- It's not that big of a deal.
333
00:11:09,333 --> 00:11:11,767
- Oh, you love
that it's broken!
334
00:11:11,767 --> 00:11:13,067
It's the first time
335
00:11:13,067 --> 00:11:14,700
in your miserable career
as an art teacher
336
00:11:14,700 --> 00:11:17,167
that any of us have actually
wanted you in our classrooms.
337
00:11:17,167 --> 00:11:18,267
You probably broke it.
338
00:11:18,267 --> 00:11:19,667
[all gasp]
- Oh, really?
339
00:11:19,667 --> 00:11:21,100
It's funny you should say that,
340
00:11:21,100 --> 00:11:22,467
considering I saw you
leaving the copy room
341
00:11:22,467 --> 00:11:24,067
yesterday
at the end of the day.
342
00:11:24,067 --> 00:11:25,633
[all gasp]
- So?
343
00:11:25,633 --> 00:11:27,933
Feldman was the first one
at the copier this morning.
344
00:11:27,933 --> 00:11:29,500
[all gasp]
- Was I?
345
00:11:29,500 --> 00:11:31,533
'Cause when I got there,
the copier was already warm
346
00:11:31,533 --> 00:11:33,667
and the smell of Ralph "Lau-ren"
Midnight Romance
347
00:11:33,667 --> 00:11:35,367
was mad intense.
[all gasp]
348
00:11:35,367 --> 00:11:37,867
- Okay, first of all, it's
Ralph "Lauren," you be-atch.
349
00:11:37,867 --> 00:11:39,233
- Shut up!
Shut up!
350
00:11:39,233 --> 00:11:42,167
Do you people
realize how old you sound?
351
00:11:42,167 --> 00:11:45,667
You are arguing about a copier
at a casserole party!
352
00:11:45,667 --> 00:11:47,633
This isn't a nursing home.
353
00:11:47,633 --> 00:11:50,167
We should all be drunk
singing Selena Gomez
354
00:11:50,167 --> 00:11:53,167
in an abandoned warehouse
rolling on molly!
355
00:11:53,167 --> 00:11:54,600
Who's with me?
356
00:11:56,333 --> 00:11:58,767
You guys are seriously gonna
hold a grudge over a copier?
357
00:11:58,767 --> 00:12:02,400
Okay, drop the tudes,
and let's have fun.
358
00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:05,067
Because I need
to feel young now!
359
00:12:05,067 --> 00:12:07,800
- I think
I've got something.
360
00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:09,833
[crowd cheering]
361
00:12:09,833 --> 00:12:12,367
[techno music]
362
00:12:12,367 --> 00:12:13,633
- Whoo!
363
00:12:13,633 --> 00:12:14,933
What's up?
364
00:12:14,933 --> 00:12:16,733
- So how do you know
these people, Feldman?
365
00:12:16,733 --> 00:12:19,500
- Well, two of my four roomies
are still in college.
366
00:12:19,500 --> 00:12:22,067
'Sup, Poopy? 'Sup, Sock?
- 'Sup?
367
00:12:22,067 --> 00:12:23,833
- How are these
college students?
368
00:12:23,833 --> 00:12:25,133
They look so young.
369
00:12:25,133 --> 00:12:26,733
- And where
are their clothes?
370
00:12:26,733 --> 00:12:28,233
I swear I saw a girl
371
00:12:28,233 --> 00:12:30,733
who was just wearing
Band-Aids on her bosom.
372
00:12:30,733 --> 00:12:32,133
- Who cares?
373
00:12:32,133 --> 00:12:34,900
Remember, we're all having fun,
so blend in.
374
00:12:34,900 --> 00:12:36,600
Party time!
375
00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:37,900
Whoo!
[laughs]
376
00:12:37,900 --> 00:12:40,900
Hello, boys!
377
00:12:40,900 --> 00:12:42,700
*
378
00:12:42,700 --> 00:12:44,400
- Ahoy, matey!
379
00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:46,800
Permission to come aboard?
380
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,867
- Oh.
Permission granted.
381
00:12:48,867 --> 00:12:51,700
[chuckles]
382
00:12:51,700 --> 00:12:53,400
- [whispers] And I'm in.
383
00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:55,600
- Feel free to kick back
and relax.
384
00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:56,900
My house is your house.
385
00:12:56,900 --> 00:12:59,100
- Which would make it
our house.
386
00:12:59,100 --> 00:13:01,200
- [chuckles]
Okay.
387
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:02,867
Well, uh,
I should get going.
388
00:13:02,867 --> 00:13:04,533
- You don't want to stay?
389
00:13:04,533 --> 00:13:07,100
- Well, I'm going
to my EMT class?
390
00:13:07,100 --> 00:13:08,967
- [chuckles]
Right.
391
00:13:08,967 --> 00:13:10,300
- [chuckles]
392
00:13:10,300 --> 00:13:11,900
Oh, I ordered a pizza
for you guys.
393
00:13:11,900 --> 00:13:14,067
- Pizza, pizza.
394
00:13:14,067 --> 00:13:15,467
- Right.
395
00:13:15,467 --> 00:13:16,900
Well, I will see you later.
396
00:13:16,900 --> 00:13:18,267
- Okay.
- Okay.
397
00:13:22,633 --> 00:13:25,633
[dreamy music]
398
00:13:25,633 --> 00:13:32,567
*
399
00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:45,733
*
400
00:13:57,067 --> 00:13:58,967
- Hot Family.
401
00:13:58,967 --> 00:14:06,167
*
402
00:14:09,433 --> 00:14:10,767
- What are you doing?
403
00:14:10,767 --> 00:14:11,867
- Ho!
404
00:14:11,867 --> 00:14:14,367
Hey, Blake-o.
405
00:14:14,367 --> 00:14:16,067
Want to watch a movie?
406
00:14:16,067 --> 00:14:18,867
- Women's studies major, huh?
That's cool.
407
00:14:18,867 --> 00:14:23,567
I found college to be
a very experimental time.
408
00:14:23,567 --> 00:14:25,667
- All right, the name of
the game is Edward Fortyhands.
409
00:14:25,667 --> 00:14:27,533
You don't stop
until it's all gone.
410
00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:31,367
And vomiting isn't considered
a disqualification.
411
00:14:31,367 --> 00:14:33,733
- Wait.
What if I have to pee?
412
00:14:33,733 --> 00:14:36,733
[all chanting "Chug!"]
413
00:14:36,733 --> 00:14:40,067
*
414
00:14:40,067 --> 00:14:43,067
[gritty electronic music]
415
00:14:43,067 --> 00:14:45,067
*
416
00:14:45,067 --> 00:14:46,533
- Excuse me!
417
00:14:46,533 --> 00:14:50,867
Can you please play
"Mambo Number 5"?
418
00:14:50,867 --> 00:14:52,133
- What?
419
00:14:52,133 --> 00:14:53,600
- What?
420
00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:55,667
- This is crazy.
421
00:14:55,667 --> 00:14:58,200
She's gonna realize
the man she's emailing with
422
00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:00,700
is trying to close her bookshop.
423
00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:03,167
[door squeaks]
424
00:15:03,167 --> 00:15:04,833
Holy macaroni!
425
00:15:04,833 --> 00:15:06,300
You came back.
426
00:15:06,300 --> 00:15:08,767
- Yeah, I didn't wind up
going to my EMT class.
427
00:15:08,767 --> 00:15:10,433
I saw a mother duck
and her ducklings
428
00:15:10,433 --> 00:15:11,867
stranded in the street,
429
00:15:11,867 --> 00:15:14,333
so I had to stop and guide them
back to the river.
430
00:15:14,333 --> 00:15:16,867
- Lucky duckies.
- [chuckles]
431
00:15:16,867 --> 00:15:20,200
- Well, I should probably
pack up my things and go.
432
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:21,267
- Well, why don't you stay?
433
00:15:21,267 --> 00:15:22,867
You already drove
all this way.
434
00:15:22,867 --> 00:15:24,833
Plus, the pizza
hasn't even come yet.
435
00:15:24,833 --> 00:15:25,933
- Really?
436
00:15:25,933 --> 00:15:27,133
You want me to stay?
437
00:15:27,133 --> 00:15:28,633
- Sure, it'll be fun.
438
00:15:28,633 --> 00:15:29,433
Right, Blake?
439
00:15:29,433 --> 00:15:30,933
- No.
- Great.
440
00:15:30,933 --> 00:15:34,233
Oh, this is
my favorite part.
441
00:15:36,933 --> 00:15:40,100
[gritty electronic music]
442
00:15:40,100 --> 00:15:41,433
- Whoo-hoo-hoo!
443
00:15:41,433 --> 00:15:43,800
I love this song!
444
00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:45,067
Yes!
445
00:15:45,067 --> 00:15:46,200
[thuds]
446
00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:48,633
- "Mambo Number 5!"
447
00:15:48,633 --> 00:15:50,067
Lou Bega!
448
00:15:50,067 --> 00:15:51,633
Hello!
449
00:15:51,633 --> 00:15:53,867
Check your CDs!
450
00:15:53,867 --> 00:15:56,933
[indistinct chatter]
451
00:15:56,933 --> 00:15:58,433
- Just so you know,
I'm bi.
452
00:15:58,433 --> 00:15:59,767
How do you identify?
453
00:15:59,767 --> 00:16:01,900
- Well, my gender identity
is cis-woman.
454
00:16:01,900 --> 00:16:03,967
My gender expression
is androgynous.
455
00:16:03,967 --> 00:16:06,267
Biologically assigned sex
is female,
456
00:16:06,267 --> 00:16:08,633
and sexual orientation
is tri-sexual.
457
00:16:08,633 --> 00:16:12,233
And I'm interested in
mild domination and bondage.
458
00:16:12,233 --> 00:16:13,533
- Wow.
459
00:16:13,533 --> 00:16:15,967
I have never felt so unevolved.
460
00:16:15,967 --> 00:16:17,600
- Blake is out
like a light.
461
00:16:21,467 --> 00:16:23,200
I'm really happy
that you stayed tonight.
462
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:25,900
- Me too.
463
00:16:25,900 --> 00:16:27,167
- Can I ask you a question?
464
00:16:27,167 --> 00:16:29,067
- Of course.
465
00:16:29,067 --> 00:16:31,500
- Did you ask Blake
to bring me
466
00:16:31,500 --> 00:16:32,900
to show-and-tell today?
467
00:16:32,900 --> 00:16:34,267
- Yes. No.
468
00:16:34,267 --> 00:16:35,900
Maybe. Did I?
I don't know.
469
00:16:35,900 --> 00:16:37,100
I did.
470
00:16:37,100 --> 00:16:39,667
I did. I just lied.
- Mm-hmm.
471
00:16:39,667 --> 00:16:41,300
Well, I'm glad that you did.
472
00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:42,333
- [sighs]
473
00:16:42,333 --> 00:16:45,333
[dreamy music]
474
00:16:45,333 --> 00:16:52,467
*
475
00:16:55,533 --> 00:16:57,067
[gritty electronic music]
476
00:16:57,067 --> 00:16:59,333
- Whoo!
Party!
477
00:16:59,333 --> 00:17:01,167
- Whoo!
478
00:17:01,167 --> 00:17:04,433
*
479
00:17:04,433 --> 00:17:06,767
- We look so good!
480
00:17:06,767 --> 00:17:09,767
[laughing]
481
00:17:09,767 --> 00:17:11,333
Whoo!
482
00:17:11,333 --> 00:17:13,267
Whoo!
483
00:17:13,267 --> 00:17:15,233
- Holy shit!
[men groaning]
484
00:17:15,233 --> 00:17:18,067
You've got a hair
growing out of your nipple.
485
00:17:18,067 --> 00:17:19,467
- Oh, my God.
486
00:17:19,467 --> 00:17:21,867
[bullhorn blips]
- Okay, party's over!
487
00:17:21,867 --> 00:17:23,067
- [whispers] 5-0!
488
00:17:23,067 --> 00:17:24,433
- Everyone outside
with your ID!
489
00:17:24,433 --> 00:17:26,300
- Let's go.
- All right, IDs out.
490
00:17:26,300 --> 00:17:28,800
Let me see 'em.
491
00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:30,267
[bullhorn blips]
- Go home.
492
00:17:30,267 --> 00:17:31,533
- [amplified]
Not you, ma'am.
493
00:17:31,533 --> 00:17:34,733
[melancholy piano music]
494
00:17:34,733 --> 00:17:37,200
*
495
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:38,633
[dreamy music]
496
00:17:38,633 --> 00:17:39,933
- Hey.
497
00:17:39,933 --> 00:17:41,267
Mary Louise?
498
00:17:41,267 --> 00:17:42,467
*
499
00:17:42,467 --> 00:17:44,433
[chuckles]
You're awake.
500
00:17:44,433 --> 00:17:46,400
Are you okay?
You fainted.
501
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:48,467
- Hmm?
502
00:17:48,467 --> 00:17:50,400
[gasping and grunting]
503
00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:52,333
- What are you doing?
- I gotta skedaddle.
504
00:17:52,333 --> 00:17:53,633
- No, no, no.
You don't have to go.
505
00:17:53,633 --> 00:17:54,633
- Bye!
506
00:17:54,633 --> 00:17:55,767
[smack]
507
00:17:55,767 --> 00:17:56,767
[thud]
508
00:17:56,767 --> 00:17:58,533
- [gasps]
509
00:17:58,533 --> 00:18:00,700
- I have something
to tell you guys.
510
00:18:00,700 --> 00:18:03,800
I'm the one
who broke the copier.
511
00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:06,133
I jammed it while I was
trying to print flyers
512
00:18:06,133 --> 00:18:08,133
for the pagan pride parade.
513
00:18:08,133 --> 00:18:09,667
- [laughs]
514
00:18:09,667 --> 00:18:12,267
Dude, we're all hammered,
and no one cares anymore.
515
00:18:12,267 --> 00:18:15,133
Plus, Poopy just hooked me up
516
00:18:15,133 --> 00:18:17,100
for the Kanye Western mixer.
517
00:18:17,100 --> 00:18:18,100
Who's in?
518
00:18:18,100 --> 00:18:19,933
- Me!
- Yeah!
519
00:18:19,933 --> 00:18:20,800
- Chelsea?
520
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:21,933
- I don't think so.
521
00:18:21,933 --> 00:18:23,433
This day was a disaster.
522
00:18:23,433 --> 00:18:26,633
It's 8:45, my feet hurt,
and I just want to go home.
523
00:18:26,633 --> 00:18:28,333
Plus, I gotta
pluck my nipples.
524
00:18:28,333 --> 00:18:29,800
- You sure, dog?
525
00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:31,067
- Go.
526
00:18:31,067 --> 00:18:33,167
Enjoy yourselves.
527
00:18:33,167 --> 00:18:34,633
[light jazzy music]
528
00:18:34,633 --> 00:18:37,067
- You guys know
who Lou Bega is, right?
529
00:18:42,900 --> 00:18:46,600
[birds chirping]
530
00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:50,067
- I don't remember hangovers
hurting this much.
531
00:18:50,067 --> 00:18:52,100
- [moaning]
532
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:54,867
- You look refreshed.
533
00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:56,433
How was
the rest of your night?
534
00:18:56,433 --> 00:18:58,467
- Great.
I watched trash TV,
535
00:18:58,467 --> 00:19:00,067
judged ugly babies
on Facebook,
536
00:19:00,067 --> 00:19:01,233
and was in bed by 10:30.
537
00:19:04,067 --> 00:19:06,600
I think I'm finally comfortable
with being in my 30s.
538
00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:08,933
- Aww.
Good for you, dude.
539
00:19:08,933 --> 00:19:10,567
- Does this mean you're gonna
keep the hair?
540
00:19:10,567 --> 00:19:11,967
- No.
541
00:19:11,967 --> 00:19:13,667
I'm getting extensions put in
tomorrow.
542
00:19:13,667 --> 00:19:15,600
I need a bangin' do
for my hot bod.
543
00:19:17,133 --> 00:19:20,467
- I just went to make copies,
and the copier is missing.
544
00:19:20,467 --> 00:19:22,700
Does anybody know
where it is?
545
00:19:24,367 --> 00:19:27,167
[suspenseful flute music]
546
00:19:27,167 --> 00:19:28,367
all: Feel the rhythm!
547
00:19:28,367 --> 00:19:29,600
Feel the rhyme!
548
00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:33,133
Get on up!
It's bobsled time!
549
00:19:33,133 --> 00:19:36,600
[all cheering]
550
00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:38,633
[crashing, glass shattering]
551
00:19:38,633 --> 00:19:40,267
[horn honking]
- I'm good!
552
00:19:40,267 --> 00:19:43,467
[all cheering and laughing]
553
00:19:46,333 --> 00:19:49,333
[rock music]
554
00:19:49,333 --> 00:19:56,267
*
555
00:19:57,367 --> 00:20:00,200
- * Tear it down
556
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:02,833
* Tear it down
557
00:20:02,833 --> 00:20:05,600
* Tear it down
558
00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:07,800
* Tear it down
559
00:20:09,333 --> 00:20:11,200
- Oh, yeah.
37085
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