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1
00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:08,100
[bright music]
2
00:00:08,100 --> 00:00:09,300
- * Good morning, little bird
3
00:00:09,300 --> 00:00:10,500
* What have you heard?
4
00:00:10,500 --> 00:00:13,033
[bird tweeting]
You're right!
5
00:00:13,033 --> 00:00:15,233
* Now comes that magical
time again *
6
00:00:15,233 --> 00:00:17,467
* To choose that
special cardigan *
7
00:00:17,467 --> 00:00:22,667
* We'll now have blue skies
and no more gray *
8
00:00:22,667 --> 00:00:26,433
* Because we're going
back to school today *
9
00:00:26,433 --> 00:00:30,067
*
10
00:00:30,067 --> 00:00:32,700
- * Now, if only I could
find a shirt *
11
00:00:32,700 --> 00:00:35,333
* Spent my summer
naked in a yurt *
12
00:00:35,333 --> 00:00:39,667
* I wish I could,
but I cannot stay *
13
00:00:39,667 --> 00:00:45,333
* Because we're going
back to school today *
14
00:00:45,333 --> 00:00:47,667
- * That foam party ruled,
but who are you? *
15
00:00:47,667 --> 00:00:50,300
* I'm late to work--
wait, where's my shoe? *
16
00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:54,867
* I'll wash up at the truck stop
on the way *
17
00:00:54,867 --> 00:00:59,900
* Because we're going back
to school today *
18
00:00:59,900 --> 00:01:02,733
- * After I'm done working
on my quads *
19
00:01:02,733 --> 00:01:05,300
* I'll head to church
to give thanks to God *
20
00:01:05,300 --> 00:01:10,067
* The law says get my prayers
out of the way *
21
00:01:10,067 --> 00:01:15,067
all: * Because we're going
back to school today *
22
00:01:15,067 --> 00:01:22,133
*
23
00:01:23,067 --> 00:01:24,900
[alarm beeping]
24
00:01:24,900 --> 00:01:26,667
- [grunts]
25
00:01:26,667 --> 00:01:28,733
That was a weird dream.
26
00:01:28,733 --> 00:01:32,133
[chuckles]
27
00:01:32,133 --> 00:01:33,633
[gasps]
28
00:01:33,633 --> 00:01:37,267
Fuuuuuuu...
29
00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:39,833
[rock music]
30
00:01:39,833 --> 00:01:42,333
- * Tear it down
31
00:01:42,333 --> 00:01:43,633
* Tear it down
32
00:01:43,633 --> 00:01:45,700
- Happy first day
of school, everyone.
33
00:01:45,700 --> 00:01:47,633
Hi, Chelsea.
It's been so long.
34
00:01:47,633 --> 00:01:49,567
- I saw you yesterday,
Mary Louise.
35
00:01:49,567 --> 00:01:51,333
- I know.
- What's in the box?
36
00:01:51,333 --> 00:01:53,067
Please say it's
Gwyneth Paltrow's head.
37
00:01:53,067 --> 00:01:54,233
- Even better.
38
00:01:54,233 --> 00:01:55,900
On my drive back
from Rapture Camp,
39
00:01:55,900 --> 00:01:57,233
I stopped by this garage sale
40
00:01:57,233 --> 00:01:59,433
and bought all of these
super cool toys
41
00:01:59,433 --> 00:02:01,600
my parents never let me
play with growing up.
42
00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:02,867
- A Talkboy?
43
00:02:02,867 --> 00:02:04,833
Was this garage sale in 1994?
44
00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:06,267
- No, it was in Nebraska.
45
00:02:06,267 --> 00:02:09,233
The Great Plains states
have so much to offer.
46
00:02:09,233 --> 00:02:11,067
- I'm sorry.
Ugh, I've tried.
47
00:02:11,067 --> 00:02:12,967
But this is so boring.
48
00:02:12,967 --> 00:02:15,167
Caroline has been online dating.
49
00:02:15,167 --> 00:02:17,233
I want the hot deets.
50
00:02:17,233 --> 00:02:19,167
- I actually didn't
go on any dates.
51
00:02:19,167 --> 00:02:22,067
I was just propositioned
by raging perverts.
52
00:02:22,067 --> 00:02:24,300
- I live for that.
- You wouldn't be so excited
53
00:02:24,300 --> 00:02:28,067
if you got seven penis pics
from "BabyBatter214."
54
00:02:28,067 --> 00:02:30,067
- Jesus.
- So as of today,
55
00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:34,100
I have decided to join
an ultra-premium dating website.
56
00:02:34,100 --> 00:02:36,600
It has a 97.3% success rate.
57
00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:39,733
It's called
MyEternalSoulmate.com.
58
00:02:39,733 --> 00:02:41,467
- That sounds like
a James Patterson novel
59
00:02:41,467 --> 00:02:44,233
where a woman ends up
dismembered in a suitcase.
60
00:02:45,167 --> 00:02:46,600
Oh, sick.
61
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:49,467
Some idiot left a calzone
in here over the summer.
62
00:02:49,467 --> 00:02:51,533
- Where is Feldman?
63
00:02:51,533 --> 00:02:53,067
- Balls!
64
00:02:53,067 --> 00:02:54,400
- Hello, ladies.
65
00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:55,767
- [gasps]
- Welcome back.
66
00:02:55,767 --> 00:02:58,767
[upbeat boy band music]
67
00:02:58,767 --> 00:03:05,767
* *
68
00:03:16,467 --> 00:03:18,467
- You got highlights.
- And a tan.
69
00:03:18,467 --> 00:03:20,500
- And your belt
matches your teeth.
70
00:03:20,500 --> 00:03:23,600
- You look like George
Hamilton's illegitimate son.
71
00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:27,500
- Thank you.
I decided to focus more on...
72
00:03:27,500 --> 00:03:29,633
self-improvement.
73
00:03:29,633 --> 00:03:32,600
Ms. Snap, you've been assigned
a new class.
74
00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:34,300
Here is the roster.
- Hm.
75
00:03:34,300 --> 00:03:36,433
[gasps]
Mark Lynch?
76
00:03:36,433 --> 00:03:39,267
Gabe Menendez,
Ricky Menendez?
77
00:03:39,267 --> 00:03:41,733
[gasps]
The Menendez brothers?
78
00:03:41,733 --> 00:03:44,267
You gave me Hell Class?
[all gasp]
79
00:03:44,267 --> 00:03:45,833
- We can't call them
that anymore.
80
00:03:45,833 --> 00:03:47,733
- Their teacher two years ago
had a mental breakdown.
81
00:03:47,733 --> 00:03:49,500
- When they were
in kindergarten,
82
00:03:49,500 --> 00:03:52,233
their teacher went missing
halfway through the school year.
83
00:03:52,233 --> 00:03:53,733
- This isn't fair.
84
00:03:53,733 --> 00:03:55,700
Can't you split them up so
someone else can suffer too?
85
00:03:55,700 --> 00:03:57,400
- It's safer to keep them
quarantined,
86
00:03:57,400 --> 00:03:58,667
like a contagion.
87
00:03:58,667 --> 00:04:01,400
- Good luck.
I had Hell Class last year.
88
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:03,800
- She's 24.
89
00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:05,967
- Mrs. Adler, this year
you will be teaching
90
00:04:05,967 --> 00:04:09,733
from Fillmore's first-ever
modular satellite classroom.
91
00:04:09,733 --> 00:04:11,100
- A trailer?
92
00:04:11,100 --> 00:04:14,300
Are you seriously making me
a trailer teacher?
93
00:04:14,300 --> 00:04:15,933
- And now, Ms. Cannon,
94
00:04:15,933 --> 00:04:18,233
would you like to tell
the others your news?
95
00:04:18,233 --> 00:04:20,167
- I am honored
to be spearheading
96
00:04:20,167 --> 00:04:23,433
revitalization of creative
spirit and self-expression
97
00:04:23,433 --> 00:04:24,767
at Fillmore.
98
00:04:27,233 --> 00:04:28,667
- She's the new art teacher.
99
00:04:28,667 --> 00:04:31,467
- Oh, that's why you look
like a homeless person.
100
00:04:31,467 --> 00:04:33,233
[cart banging]
101
00:04:33,233 --> 00:04:35,733
- Art is a mobile class
this year.
102
00:04:35,733 --> 00:04:38,333
This is your classroom.
- Are you...
103
00:04:38,333 --> 00:04:40,067
- [bleep]...
104
00:04:40,067 --> 00:04:41,200
- Kidding me?
- No.
105
00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:43,200
I'm serious.
I'm scared for you.
106
00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:44,567
Last year,
the Menendez brothers
107
00:04:44,567 --> 00:04:46,200
ate all of the school's
glue sticks,
108
00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:47,767
and it only made them stronger.
109
00:04:47,767 --> 00:04:49,300
- It's a bunch
of eight-year-olds.
110
00:04:49,300 --> 00:04:50,867
I think I can handle it.
[game beeping]
111
00:04:50,867 --> 00:04:52,700
I'm practically talking
to one right now.
112
00:04:52,700 --> 00:04:56,433
- Drats! Recognizing patterns
is really hard.
113
00:04:56,433 --> 00:05:00,067
You should never underestimate
Hell Class.
114
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:01,667
- Mary Louise, get a grip.
115
00:05:01,667 --> 00:05:04,600
I am Chelsea Snap, remember?
116
00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:06,067
I've got this.
117
00:05:06,067 --> 00:05:08,600
- Yeah!
- Ooh!
118
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:11,800
[hip-hop music on boom box]
119
00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:13,600
*
120
00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:15,467
- Yeah!
- Listen up, my little divas
121
00:05:15,467 --> 00:05:17,333
and divos.
122
00:05:17,333 --> 00:05:18,967
[indistinct chatter]
123
00:05:18,967 --> 00:05:21,400
Hello?
124
00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:23,167
- What's up, Ma?
125
00:05:23,167 --> 00:05:26,067
You look tasty.
- Excuse me?
126
00:05:26,067 --> 00:05:27,500
- You're a tall glass of water,
and I'm thinking
127
00:05:27,500 --> 00:05:28,900
I might like to take a sip.
128
00:05:28,900 --> 00:05:30,733
- You're eight.
- Eight and a half.
129
00:05:30,733 --> 00:05:32,733
But it's cool.
You're old,
130
00:05:32,733 --> 00:05:35,800
but I know you're
hella experienced.
131
00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:38,733
[phone ringing]
132
00:05:45,067 --> 00:05:47,767
- Hello?
- Hey, buddy.
133
00:05:47,767 --> 00:05:49,767
It's your new teacher,
Ms. Feldman.
134
00:05:49,767 --> 00:05:52,533
Today, we're gonna start
with computers.
135
00:05:52,533 --> 00:05:54,400
Do you know how to use
face chat?
136
00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:55,600
- Yeah.
137
00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:58,367
- Can you walk Ms. F through it?
138
00:05:58,367 --> 00:06:00,233
- Hey, I'm here to teach art.
139
00:06:00,233 --> 00:06:02,100
The school only gave me
one paintbrush, but I think
140
00:06:02,100 --> 00:06:03,467
it'll be a good lesson
in sharing.
141
00:06:03,467 --> 00:06:04,800
What are you working on?
142
00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:07,067
- Oh, in order to find
my perfect match,
143
00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:09,167
My Eternal Soulmate
has required me
144
00:06:09,167 --> 00:06:11,333
to answer 600 questions
about myself.
145
00:06:11,333 --> 00:06:12,833
- Cool.
What kind of questions?
146
00:06:12,833 --> 00:06:15,900
- Uh, things like, "What's your
ideal Saturday?"
147
00:06:15,900 --> 00:06:18,100
I wrote, "Color-coding my socks
148
00:06:18,100 --> 00:06:20,533
and laminating
appetizer recipes."
149
00:06:20,533 --> 00:06:23,967
Oh, and, "Going to Enchanted
Princesses on Ice."
150
00:06:23,967 --> 00:06:25,267
Obviously.
151
00:06:25,267 --> 00:06:27,233
- Do you really think
you're gonna find a man
152
00:06:27,233 --> 00:06:28,333
who shares those interests?
153
00:06:28,333 --> 00:06:29,867
- Cecelia, you of all people
154
00:06:29,867 --> 00:06:33,333
should know that laminating
is not gender-specific.
155
00:06:33,333 --> 00:06:35,500
I'm gonna stay here
and finish up while you teach.
156
00:06:35,500 --> 00:06:36,800
- Are you sure we
won't bother you?
157
00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:38,167
- Oh, yeah,
don't worry about it.
158
00:06:38,167 --> 00:06:41,067
It's art.
It's not a real class.
159
00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:43,567
- We're gonna be reviewing
rules today.
160
00:06:43,567 --> 00:06:44,967
- You suck.
- Okay.
161
00:06:44,967 --> 00:06:46,367
First of all, that's not true.
162
00:06:46,367 --> 00:06:48,100
And second of all...
163
00:06:48,100 --> 00:06:49,933
I don't suck.
164
00:06:49,933 --> 00:06:52,067
Let's see who's here,
shall we?
165
00:06:55,100 --> 00:06:56,300
Hannibal.
166
00:06:56,300 --> 00:06:57,800
- [slurping]
167
00:06:57,800 --> 00:07:00,200
- Oh, hey!
Rule number one:
168
00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:02,367
we do not damage Ms. Step's
money-maker!
169
00:07:02,367 --> 00:07:05,767
- I saw you try and mack
on my man, you baggy-ass ho.
170
00:07:05,767 --> 00:07:08,100
- That's crazy.
He's eight years old.
171
00:07:08,100 --> 00:07:10,533
- Look, Ms. Snatch.
- [gasps]
172
00:07:10,533 --> 00:07:11,767
- Here's the rules:
173
00:07:11,767 --> 00:07:13,467
Hell Class doesn't
have any rules.
174
00:07:13,467 --> 00:07:14,933
[music stops]
175
00:07:18,433 --> 00:07:22,133
- Oh, yeah.
We know what you call us.
176
00:07:22,133 --> 00:07:25,067
[ominous music]
177
00:07:25,067 --> 00:07:27,100
- You know what?
178
00:07:27,100 --> 00:07:29,300
Let's just do math another day.
179
00:07:29,300 --> 00:07:30,600
Okay?
180
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:33,900
*
181
00:07:33,900 --> 00:07:35,700
Did you guys cut the line?
182
00:07:35,700 --> 00:07:37,100
[rock music]
183
00:07:37,100 --> 00:07:38,300
- [stifled crying]
184
00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:40,933
*
185
00:07:40,933 --> 00:07:43,567
- Hotter than butt cleavage
at Great America.
186
00:07:43,567 --> 00:07:44,967
When are you bringing me
a new air conditioner?
187
00:07:44,967 --> 00:07:46,267
- No clue, lady.
188
00:07:46,267 --> 00:07:48,700
You got to put in a requisition
with the district.
189
00:07:48,700 --> 00:07:51,500
[both laugh hysterically]
190
00:07:51,500 --> 00:07:53,100
- Okay.
191
00:07:53,100 --> 00:07:55,100
Take out your textbooks.
192
00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:56,700
- [sniffling]
193
00:07:56,700 --> 00:07:59,633
- Bobby Ray?
Why are you crying?
194
00:07:59,633 --> 00:08:02,067
- It's too hot.
195
00:08:02,067 --> 00:08:04,100
- Oh, whoops.
[A/C crashing]
196
00:08:04,100 --> 00:08:05,233
Good luck.
197
00:08:06,933 --> 00:08:10,367
- Hey!
You can't leave that here!
198
00:08:10,367 --> 00:08:12,800
And who put this tire here?
[tires screeching]
199
00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:16,533
- Hope everyone learning about
the wonders of pointillism.
200
00:08:16,533 --> 00:08:19,133
Sorry not everyone
got to paint a point.
201
00:08:19,133 --> 00:08:22,867
- This was so boring,
it made me excited for math.
202
00:08:22,867 --> 00:08:25,067
- I don't know how I'm supposed
to make this interesting
203
00:08:25,067 --> 00:08:26,733
when I literally
have no supplies.
204
00:08:26,733 --> 00:08:28,067
Are you okay?
- No!
205
00:08:28,067 --> 00:08:29,833
I wet wipe when I'm stressed.
206
00:08:29,833 --> 00:08:32,267
I've been on My Eternal Soulmate
for an hour,
207
00:08:32,267 --> 00:08:33,833
and I haven't matched
with anyone.
208
00:08:33,833 --> 00:08:35,100
- ["Wedding March" plays]
209
00:08:35,100 --> 00:08:37,067
- Oh, my God.
I have a match!
210
00:08:37,067 --> 00:08:38,500
- How is that even possible?
211
00:08:38,500 --> 00:08:40,300
- It's a 99% match!
212
00:08:40,300 --> 00:08:42,600
- He's also reading
"Anne of Green Gables"!
213
00:08:44,267 --> 00:08:45,833
I have a match!
214
00:08:45,833 --> 00:08:48,333
[gasping] I knew there was
someone out there for me!
215
00:08:48,333 --> 00:08:50,433
I'm supposed to be a wife,
not have a job!
216
00:08:50,433 --> 00:08:52,567
Oh, my God, I'm gonna
be somebody's wife.
217
00:08:52,567 --> 00:08:54,067
I did it!
218
00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:57,233
I'm gonna get out of this
godforsaken place!
219
00:08:57,233 --> 00:09:00,600
[laughing]
220
00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:01,900
Ugh, whatever.
221
00:09:01,900 --> 00:09:04,067
If you were pushing 30,
you'd get it.
222
00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:07,933
- * Tear it down
223
00:09:07,933 --> 00:09:09,633
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
224
00:09:09,633 --> 00:09:11,200
Lock! Lock!
225
00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:13,767
[indistinct grumbling]
Why doesn't this door lock?!
226
00:09:13,767 --> 00:09:16,767
- Chelsea, what's wrong?
Why are you barefoot?
227
00:09:16,767 --> 00:09:19,867
- Hell Class stole my
Jessica Simpson shoes.
228
00:09:19,867 --> 00:09:21,500
- They did you a favor.
229
00:09:21,500 --> 00:09:23,733
[exhales]
230
00:09:23,733 --> 00:09:25,067
That just slowed them
down a little.
231
00:09:25,067 --> 00:09:26,500
- Don't take it personally,
Chelsea.
232
00:09:26,500 --> 00:09:28,467
Your students are just
expressing themselves.
233
00:09:28,467 --> 00:09:31,467
- Well, their self-expression
just ruined my most professional
234
00:09:31,467 --> 00:09:34,400
Wet Seal top and left me stapled
to a bulletin board.
235
00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:35,733
- Oh, my God.
236
00:09:35,733 --> 00:09:37,100
Every time I read his profile,
237
00:09:37,100 --> 00:09:39,267
I find a new layer of depth.
238
00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:41,867
Oh, sorry.
239
00:09:41,867 --> 00:09:43,533
Did you want to complain more?
240
00:09:43,533 --> 00:09:45,067
- No, go ahead.
241
00:09:45,067 --> 00:09:46,733
You're probably talking with
a 600-pound man
242
00:09:46,733 --> 00:09:48,633
whose belly button is the size
of a salad bowl.
243
00:09:48,633 --> 00:09:51,067
- No, this guy is perfect.
244
00:09:51,067 --> 00:09:53,867
He loves hybrid dogs,
has attended two
245
00:09:53,867 --> 00:09:55,733
"Barefoot Contessa" tapings,
246
00:09:55,733 --> 00:09:58,233
and he makes his own macaroons.
247
00:09:58,233 --> 00:10:00,200
["Wedding March" plays]
- [gasps]
248
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:04,133
He sent me his fantasy date!
- What'd he say?
249
00:10:04,133 --> 00:10:07,000
- "M'lady, I would wear
a white straw hat
250
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:08,333
"and take you to the river,
251
00:10:08,333 --> 00:10:10,167
"where I would row you about
in a canoe
252
00:10:10,167 --> 00:10:12,533
"while you recite
'The Lady of Shalott.'
253
00:10:12,533 --> 00:10:14,933
I'll be your Gilbert Blythe."
254
00:10:14,933 --> 00:10:16,533
- This guy's gonna
saw your head off.
255
00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:19,267
- He's referencing
"Anne of Green Gables," Deb.
256
00:10:19,267 --> 00:10:21,033
Gilbert Blythe is only
one of the greatest
257
00:10:21,033 --> 00:10:23,433
literary gentlemen of all time.
- What does he look like?
258
00:10:23,433 --> 00:10:25,967
- My Eternal Soulmate suggests
that we don't trade pictures
259
00:10:25,967 --> 00:10:28,300
until we've exchanged at least
a dozen messages.
260
00:10:28,300 --> 00:10:31,100
That way, our souls
entwine first.
261
00:10:31,100 --> 00:10:33,100
- Has anyone seen Feldman yet?
262
00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:35,000
- He did not have a warrant,
263
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,600
which means that Ms. Feldman
was not legally obligated
264
00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:38,867
to open up her trunk.
265
00:10:38,867 --> 00:10:40,500
[intercom beeps]
- Ms. Feldman,
266
00:10:40,500 --> 00:10:42,900
we haven't received your
attendance sheets for the day.
267
00:10:42,900 --> 00:10:45,200
I need you to bring them
by my office now.
268
00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:47,667
- I can't.
I have diarrhea.
269
00:10:47,667 --> 00:10:48,867
It's really bad.
270
00:10:48,867 --> 00:10:50,767
- Okay, okay, that's enough.
271
00:10:50,767 --> 00:10:53,000
Just bring them by
when you can.
272
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:57,100
- Life lesson, kids:
nobody ever questions diarrhea.
273
00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:00,467
- What are you doing?
274
00:11:00,467 --> 00:11:03,667
- Collecting cans so I can
cash them in for art supplies.
275
00:11:03,667 --> 00:11:05,167
- How's the new gig going?
276
00:11:05,167 --> 00:11:08,133
- Not so great.
No one respects art education.
277
00:11:08,133 --> 00:11:10,733
Can you believe Chelsea
said I look homeless?
278
00:11:10,733 --> 00:11:13,867
- [grunting, shouting]
279
00:11:15,133 --> 00:11:18,433
- Ugh, my clitoris
just receded.
280
00:11:18,433 --> 00:11:20,067
- Ugh!
281
00:11:20,067 --> 00:11:21,367
Hey!
282
00:11:21,367 --> 00:11:22,900
- Get a job.
283
00:11:25,333 --> 00:11:28,267
- [whimpering]
284
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:31,400
[gasps]
- Chelsea?
285
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:33,067
What happened to you?
286
00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:35,400
- I can't go back
to Hell Class.
287
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:37,167
I'm scared.
288
00:11:37,167 --> 00:11:40,233
- If there's one thing I've
learned from all my neato games,
289
00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:42,167
it's that you can't give up.
290
00:11:42,167 --> 00:11:44,900
When my Talkboy stopped working,
did I throw it away?
291
00:11:44,900 --> 00:11:47,633
No, I changed the batteries.
292
00:11:47,633 --> 00:11:50,767
When my Tamagotchi died
because I forgot to feed it,
293
00:11:50,767 --> 00:11:52,333
did I think that I
was a bad parent?
294
00:11:52,333 --> 00:11:56,200
No! I reset it and got
a new digital pet.
295
00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:58,567
And you don't give up, either.
296
00:11:58,567 --> 00:12:01,833
You're Chelsea Snap.
Remember?
297
00:12:02,767 --> 00:12:04,200
You can connect with these kids.
298
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:07,467
Find something you have
in common with them.
299
00:12:07,467 --> 00:12:10,833
- You're right.
300
00:12:10,833 --> 00:12:12,833
I shop at Justice.
301
00:12:12,833 --> 00:12:14,700
I can connect with these kids.
302
00:12:14,700 --> 00:12:16,733
[laughs]
Thanks, ML.
303
00:12:18,867 --> 00:12:21,800
Okay, let's--
Ooh, little tight.
304
00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:23,233
Watch your hands.
305
00:12:23,233 --> 00:12:25,633
[indistinct chatter]
[hip-hop on boom box]
306
00:12:25,633 --> 00:12:28,100
Hey, everybody.
I'm back.
307
00:12:28,100 --> 00:12:30,800
You all think you're
pretty cool, but so is Ms. Snap.
308
00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:33,100
I am not just a
third grade teacher,
309
00:12:33,100 --> 00:12:35,333
I am also a grade-A twerker.
310
00:12:35,333 --> 00:12:37,367
Turn it up.
311
00:12:37,367 --> 00:12:38,833
Yeah.
312
00:12:38,833 --> 00:12:40,600
She pretty cool.
313
00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:42,267
Okay, hold on.
314
00:12:42,267 --> 00:12:44,667
Here we go.
Here we go.
315
00:12:44,667 --> 00:12:48,200
Here I come.
316
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:49,467
[gasps]
317
00:12:49,467 --> 00:12:52,400
[laughter]
318
00:12:55,733 --> 00:12:58,267
Um, I'm just gonna be in
the bathroom for a second.
319
00:12:58,267 --> 00:13:01,733
- Don't forget to flush that
dookie, you flat-ass bitch!
320
00:13:01,733 --> 00:13:04,067
- [crying]
321
00:13:04,067 --> 00:13:07,667
[rock music]
322
00:13:07,667 --> 00:13:11,367
- Bobby Ray, I told you not
to be feeding stray dogs!
323
00:13:11,367 --> 00:13:13,233
Do you want to do
something useful?
324
00:13:13,233 --> 00:13:16,133
Go see if anyone's dumped
an old window fan around back.
325
00:13:23,733 --> 00:13:25,267
- Hey, I'm here for art.
326
00:13:25,267 --> 00:13:27,067
- Don't go in there.
It's an oven.
327
00:13:27,067 --> 00:13:29,100
- Have a pop.
328
00:13:29,100 --> 00:13:31,833
- Oh, God, I'm so overheated,
329
00:13:31,833 --> 00:13:33,533
it feels freezing in my hand.
330
00:13:33,533 --> 00:13:36,200
- Here, just make sure
and give me
331
00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:38,100
the empty can when you're done.
332
00:13:40,633 --> 00:13:42,467
- I can't believe I'm
a trailer teacher.
333
00:13:42,467 --> 00:13:45,533
- Try being a vagrant art
teacher with no supplies.
334
00:13:45,533 --> 00:13:47,400
- Hey, you can't leave
that bag here!
335
00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:55,067
Damn it.
336
00:13:55,067 --> 00:13:57,533
They've been using this place
as a garbage dump all day.
337
00:13:57,533 --> 00:13:59,133
I'm all by myself out here.
338
00:13:59,133 --> 00:14:00,567
[flies buzzing, crows cawing]
339
00:14:00,567 --> 00:14:03,200
I don't think me and my kids
are gonna make it.
340
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:04,667
- You know what, Deb?
341
00:14:04,667 --> 00:14:06,133
Take the hour off.
342
00:14:06,133 --> 00:14:08,400
I'll take care of your class.
- Oh, thanks.
343
00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:10,733
Oh, and there's
a cup on my desk.
344
00:14:10,733 --> 00:14:11,933
Don't move it.
345
00:14:11,933 --> 00:14:13,467
There's a giant cockroach
under it.
346
00:14:13,467 --> 00:14:16,267
- Okay,
my Eternal Soulmate and I
347
00:14:16,267 --> 00:14:19,333
are about to exchange photos
at the same time.
348
00:14:19,333 --> 00:14:21,167
You all are about to see,
349
00:14:21,167 --> 00:14:24,067
according to a scientifically
proven algorithm,
350
00:14:24,067 --> 00:14:27,167
my absolute and perfect match.
351
00:14:28,067 --> 00:14:29,267
Is everybody ready?
352
00:14:29,267 --> 00:14:31,633
- ["Wedding March" plays]
353
00:14:31,633 --> 00:14:34,667
[ominous music]
354
00:14:34,667 --> 00:14:36,133
- [screams]
355
00:14:38,867 --> 00:14:40,600
- * Tear it down
356
00:14:46,567 --> 00:14:48,500
- I can't believe you're
on a dating website.
357
00:14:48,500 --> 00:14:49,967
You're married.
358
00:14:49,967 --> 00:14:54,400
- Actually, Roberta asked
for a divorce this summer.
359
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:57,267
She told me she was seeing
a man named Dwayne,
360
00:14:57,267 --> 00:15:00,100
who runs the Denim Depot
in Naperville.
361
00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:02,367
Ms. Watson,
I have to confess to you
362
00:15:02,367 --> 00:15:05,233
that I never thought of you
romantically before.
363
00:15:05,233 --> 00:15:07,467
- I know. Me either.
364
00:15:07,467 --> 00:15:10,067
I mean, My Eternal Soulmate
could be wrong.
365
00:15:10,067 --> 00:15:11,967
I doubt we have
that much in common.
366
00:15:11,967 --> 00:15:13,800
- Hm.
367
00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:16,933
[dramatic tones]
368
00:15:19,767 --> 00:15:21,433
Oh, my God.
369
00:15:21,433 --> 00:15:25,467
- That Céline ticket
is from 2008.
370
00:15:25,467 --> 00:15:27,100
Her best world tour.
371
00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:29,833
What was the name
of that, again?
372
00:15:29,833 --> 00:15:32,067
[together]
"Taking Chances."
373
00:15:32,067 --> 00:15:35,067
[romantic music]
374
00:15:35,067 --> 00:15:40,567
*
375
00:15:40,567 --> 00:15:44,133
- Perchance we could take
a stroll about the grounds?
376
00:15:44,133 --> 00:15:47,233
I have my white straw hat.
377
00:15:47,233 --> 00:15:49,367
What say you, Anne Shirley?
378
00:15:49,367 --> 00:15:55,367
*
379
00:15:55,367 --> 00:15:58,167
- And the little kangaroo knew
that after all that,
380
00:15:58,167 --> 00:15:59,900
he had finally found his home.
381
00:15:59,900 --> 00:16:01,367
- Great reading, Rodney.
382
00:16:01,367 --> 00:16:02,833
Good job.
- A.J.!
383
00:16:02,833 --> 00:16:04,067
Do you have any extra batteries?
384
00:16:04,067 --> 00:16:05,500
"ToeJam & Earl"
took all my juice.
385
00:16:05,500 --> 00:16:07,300
- I'm trying to teach here.
Get out.
386
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:09,767
But--
- Get out!
387
00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:13,100
Where were we, kids?
388
00:16:13,100 --> 00:16:15,067
- Oh, my God.
389
00:16:15,067 --> 00:16:16,667
I look ten years older.
390
00:16:16,667 --> 00:16:18,067
- Damn.
391
00:16:18,067 --> 00:16:19,367
Damn, talking to yourself
already?
392
00:16:19,367 --> 00:16:21,333
- They threatened
to bury me alive, dead.
393
00:16:21,333 --> 00:16:22,867
They actually brought a shovel.
394
00:16:22,867 --> 00:16:25,900
- I'd lend you my taser,
but it's the only thing
395
00:16:25,900 --> 00:16:28,200
that keeps the rats
out of my trailer.
396
00:16:29,467 --> 00:16:31,200
[exhales]
397
00:16:34,767 --> 00:16:36,867
- Get it together, Chelsea.
398
00:16:36,867 --> 00:16:40,433
Just remember all the people who
inspired you to be a teacher:
399
00:16:40,433 --> 00:16:42,533
Ryan Gosling in "Half Nelson,"
400
00:16:42,533 --> 00:16:44,967
Arnold Schwarzenegger
in "Kindergarten Cop,"
401
00:16:44,967 --> 00:16:46,800
Mr. Feeny in "Boy Meets World,"
402
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:49,900
and Michelle Pfeiffer
in "Dangerous Minds."
403
00:16:49,900 --> 00:16:52,167
Oh, my God.
404
00:16:52,167 --> 00:16:53,533
That's it.
405
00:16:53,533 --> 00:16:56,733
[Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise"]
406
00:16:56,733 --> 00:16:59,267
*
407
00:16:59,267 --> 00:17:02,233
- * We've been spending
most our lives *
408
00:17:02,233 --> 00:17:05,567
* Living in
the Gangsta's Paradise *
409
00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:07,733
* We've been spending
most our lives *
410
00:17:07,733 --> 00:17:09,133
- Whoa, nice outfit.
411
00:17:09,133 --> 00:17:11,733
You can only buy clothes
like that downtown.
412
00:17:11,733 --> 00:17:14,233
- * We keep spending
most our lives *
413
00:17:14,233 --> 00:17:17,533
- I never got to pass it.
414
00:17:17,533 --> 00:17:20,067
- * We keep spending
most our lives *
415
00:17:20,067 --> 00:17:24,500
* Living in
the Gangsta's Paradise *
416
00:17:24,500 --> 00:17:28,467
- Remember, there are
no victims in that classroom.
417
00:17:28,467 --> 00:17:29,967
- Hm.
418
00:17:29,967 --> 00:17:35,067
*
419
00:17:35,067 --> 00:17:38,067
[dramatic music]
420
00:17:38,067 --> 00:17:45,133
*
421
00:17:59,333 --> 00:18:01,100
- Okay, listen up.
422
00:18:01,100 --> 00:18:04,567
Everyone else in the school
is scared of you, but I'm not.
423
00:18:04,567 --> 00:18:06,767
This year, it's gonna be
a little different,
424
00:18:06,767 --> 00:18:10,900
because this year,
you are dealing with Ms. Snap.
425
00:18:10,900 --> 00:18:14,567
I was a featured background
extra on "Kitchen Nightmares."
426
00:18:14,567 --> 00:18:18,500
I attend outdoor summer concerts
in heels, not wedges.
427
00:18:18,500 --> 00:18:20,300
And I don't even need Spanx,
428
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:23,400
but I wear them because
I like pain.
429
00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:25,833
And if I can do
all of those things,
430
00:18:25,833 --> 00:18:29,900
then nothing can stop me,
including Hell Class.
431
00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:31,400
[inspiring music]
432
00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:34,400
So let's learn now!
433
00:18:37,900 --> 00:18:41,867
- Ms. Snap,
that was pathetic and sad.
434
00:18:43,467 --> 00:18:46,367
But we've never had
anyone care enough
435
00:18:46,367 --> 00:18:49,367
to try so hard.
We'll give it to you.
436
00:18:49,367 --> 00:18:50,900
You can teach us.
437
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:56,500
- Okay, Hell Class,
take out your math workbooks.
438
00:18:59,067 --> 00:19:02,433
- Take out your workbooks,
or I'm gonna cut someone.
439
00:19:02,433 --> 00:19:06,367
- Yes, take out your workbooks,
or you will get cut.
440
00:19:06,367 --> 00:19:09,367
[gentle music]
441
00:19:09,367 --> 00:19:11,233
*
442
00:19:11,233 --> 00:19:13,133
- Good job, guys.
You can go back inside.
443
00:19:13,133 --> 00:19:14,833
*
444
00:19:14,833 --> 00:19:18,533
- Holy crap, Cecilia.
This is beautiful.
445
00:19:18,533 --> 00:19:19,800
But you used all the cans
446
00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:21,500
that you were collecting
to buy art supplies.
447
00:19:21,500 --> 00:19:24,400
- That's okay.
I still have my paintbrush.
448
00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:28,167
And I realized my medium
is all around me.
449
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:29,733
- You mean garbage?
450
00:19:29,733 --> 00:19:35,067
* *
451
00:19:35,067 --> 00:19:37,067
- I love "Anne of Green Gables."
452
00:19:37,067 --> 00:19:39,867
- I know, it's the Canadian
"Pride and Prejudice."
453
00:19:39,867 --> 00:19:41,600
- Yeah, yeah.
454
00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:44,500
- I love Pyrex
storage containers.
455
00:19:44,500 --> 00:19:46,533
- They're the only kind I use.
456
00:19:46,533 --> 00:19:48,100
- Me too!
- [gasps]
457
00:19:48,100 --> 00:19:49,900
Shall we?
458
00:19:49,900 --> 00:19:53,767
*
459
00:19:53,767 --> 00:19:58,067
I actually find it quite sensual
how each container nests
460
00:19:58,067 --> 00:19:59,467
one into the other,
461
00:19:59,467 --> 00:20:01,967
finding its perfect fit.
462
00:20:01,967 --> 00:20:04,967
- Do you ever feel like an old
Tupperware whose lid is lost
463
00:20:04,967 --> 00:20:08,733
and doesn't get filled
with leftovers anymore?
464
00:20:08,733 --> 00:20:12,433
- I feel more like the lid
looking for its container.
465
00:20:12,433 --> 00:20:15,633
[romantic music]
466
00:20:15,633 --> 00:20:20,000
*
467
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:21,833
- What is happening here?
468
00:20:21,833 --> 00:20:23,933
- That's her Eternal Soulmate?
469
00:20:23,933 --> 00:20:25,400
- Oh, my God.
470
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:26,800
[Furby gibbering]
471
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:28,867
*
472
00:20:28,867 --> 00:20:31,200
- Caroline...
473
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:32,733
- Toby...
474
00:20:32,733 --> 00:20:36,433
*
475
00:20:36,433 --> 00:20:38,267
[dog barking]
476
00:20:38,267 --> 00:20:39,667
[snarling]
477
00:20:39,667 --> 00:20:42,600
[both screaming]
478
00:20:46,267 --> 00:20:48,433
- Call 911!
479
00:20:48,433 --> 00:20:50,267
Someone help me!
Help me!
480
00:20:50,267 --> 00:20:52,633
I'm just a man!
I can't die today!
481
00:20:52,633 --> 00:20:54,933
Get away!
Get away!
482
00:20:54,933 --> 00:20:57,767
Not my salmon capris!
483
00:20:57,767 --> 00:20:59,567
- Okay, no.
484
00:21:02,267 --> 00:21:03,733
- * Tear it down
485
00:21:05,133 --> 00:21:08,100
- This was the best
first day of school ever.
486
00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:10,300
- [laughs] Sure was.
487
00:21:10,300 --> 00:21:11,633
Okay, guys.
488
00:21:11,633 --> 00:21:13,500
Ms. Feldman has to go do
three months' worth
489
00:21:13,500 --> 00:21:14,700
of laundry now,
490
00:21:14,700 --> 00:21:16,600
but she'll see you
tomorrow, okay?
491
00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:19,633
Bye!
all: Bye!
492
00:21:22,467 --> 00:21:24,533
[horn blasts]
493
00:21:27,067 --> 00:21:29,600
[metal crunching]
494
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:32,700
- [gasping]
My paintbrush!
495
00:21:36,067 --> 00:21:39,067
[rock music]
496
00:21:39,067 --> 00:21:46,067
*
497
00:21:47,100 --> 00:21:49,933
- * Tear it down
498
00:21:49,933 --> 00:21:52,567
* Tear it down
499
00:21:52,567 --> 00:21:55,333
* Tear it down
500
00:21:55,333 --> 00:21:57,533
* Tear it down
501
00:21:59,067 --> 00:22:01,067
- Oh, yeah.
34983
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