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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,242 --> 00:00:03,309 [theme music] 2 00:00:03,410 --> 00:00:06,713 ANNOUNCER: The Dick Van Dyke Show! 3 00:00:06,813 --> 00:00:18,925 Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore. 4 00:00:24,297 --> 00:00:25,598 Hi, Honey. 5 00:00:25,699 --> 00:00:28,101 Rob, your whole dinner's practically ruined! 6 00:00:28,201 --> 00:00:29,636 Oh well, who cares? 7 00:00:29,736 --> 00:00:30,870 I do! 8 00:00:30,970 --> 00:00:32,005 Where were you? 9 00:00:32,105 --> 00:00:34,174 When I show you what I got behind my back, you're going to forgive me for everything. 10 00:00:34,274 --> 00:00:35,742 Oh, good. 11 00:00:35,842 --> 00:00:36,743 You remembered to get Ritchie's shoes from the repair shop? 12 00:00:36,843 --> 00:00:38,244 I forgot. 13 00:00:38,344 --> 00:00:40,447 Honey, my book. 14 00:00:40,547 --> 00:00:42,015 What book? 15 00:00:42,115 --> 00:00:47,320 What-- I tear myself apart for five years trying to write a book, and you say what book? 16 00:00:47,420 --> 00:00:48,354 Oh, Rob. 17 00:00:48,455 --> 00:00:50,657 Your book? 18 00:00:50,757 --> 00:00:51,658 Untitled. 19 00:00:51,758 --> 00:00:57,163 A series of terribly important events in the fairly unimportant life of Robert S. Petrie. 20 00:00:57,263 --> 00:00:58,098 Oh, Rob. 21 00:00:58,198 --> 00:00:59,032 You've finished it. 22 00:00:59,132 --> 00:01:00,567 You really finished it! 23 00:01:00,667 --> 00:01:02,902 Yeah, during my lunch hours and one dinner hour tonight. 24 00:01:03,002 --> 00:01:04,037 Oh, boy. 25 00:01:04,137 --> 00:01:05,472 Well, I tell you what. 26 00:01:05,572 --> 00:01:08,808 You start your wilted salad and the rest of the meal is in the oven. 27 00:01:08,908 --> 00:01:10,377 Honey, I don't want to have to eat in the bedroom. 28 00:01:10,477 --> 00:01:12,078 You're going to watch me read? 29 00:01:12,178 --> 00:01:13,580 Yes, indeed I am. 30 00:01:16,616 --> 00:01:18,651 Rob, it's no good. 31 00:01:18,752 --> 00:01:19,953 Well how can you say that? 32 00:01:20,053 --> 00:01:21,187 You haven't even read the first page yet. 33 00:01:21,287 --> 00:01:22,756 I haven't read the first word. 34 00:01:22,856 --> 00:01:25,525 And I'm not going to be able to with you staring over my shoulder. 35 00:01:25,625 --> 00:01:27,160 Now come on. - I'm in the other room. 36 00:01:27,260 --> 00:01:28,061 Keep reading. Read, read. 37 00:01:28,161 --> 00:01:31,231 I'm gone. 38 00:01:31,331 --> 00:01:33,800 [dish clattering] 39 00:01:33,900 --> 00:01:36,503 Rob. 40 00:01:36,603 --> 00:01:39,739 ROB (VOICEOVER): This book is for my wife. 41 00:01:39,839 --> 00:01:41,808 I was born in Danville, Illinois. 42 00:01:41,908 --> 00:01:45,245 Then I married Laura Meehan in Joplin, Missouri. 43 00:01:45,345 --> 00:01:47,113 The reason I won't tell you about the time in between 44 00:01:47,213 --> 00:01:54,487 is that, except for the time I broke my cheek at age 11, my life was exactly like that of Doctor Zhivago. 45 00:01:54,587 --> 00:01:59,959 Except his took place in Russia and mine in Danville. 46 00:02:00,059 --> 00:02:04,264 Rather than risk a lawsuit, I'll concentrate on my life after marriage. 47 00:02:04,364 --> 00:02:07,634 Like most strong marriages, mine started with a weak proposal. 48 00:02:07,734 --> 00:02:09,402 Rob, are you all right? 49 00:02:09,502 --> 00:02:10,937 Oh yeah, I'm fine. 50 00:02:11,037 --> 00:02:13,339 It's just-- it's a little cold out tonight. 51 00:02:13,440 --> 00:02:14,307 Cold? 52 00:02:14,407 --> 00:02:15,775 It must be 80 degrees. 53 00:02:15,875 --> 00:02:16,810 It is? 54 00:02:19,712 --> 00:02:21,748 Rob, we'd better drive right back. 55 00:02:21,848 --> 00:02:23,116 I think you've caught a cold. 56 00:02:23,216 --> 00:02:24,083 You're shivering. 57 00:02:24,184 --> 00:02:26,286 Well it's a family trait. 58 00:02:26,386 --> 00:02:30,824 All the male members of my family shiver when they're about to propose marriage. 59 00:02:30,924 --> 00:02:35,094 Is that what you're about to do? 60 00:02:35,195 --> 00:02:36,196 Yeah. 61 00:02:36,296 --> 00:02:39,232 Yeah, I guess so. 62 00:02:39,332 --> 00:02:40,900 Laura. 63 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:42,435 Will you marry me? 64 00:02:42,535 --> 00:02:45,205 You want me to marry you? 65 00:02:45,305 --> 00:02:47,774 Yeah, very much. 66 00:02:47,874 --> 00:02:48,808 Oh. 67 00:02:52,512 --> 00:02:53,947 You're shivering. 68 00:02:54,047 --> 00:03:01,054 Well all the female members of my family react this way when they accept marriage proposals. 69 00:03:01,154 --> 00:03:02,355 Yeah? 70 00:03:02,455 --> 00:03:05,592 Yeah. 71 00:03:05,692 --> 00:03:10,129 Well, I guess I guess we ought to-- Yeah. 72 00:03:18,238 --> 00:03:20,206 [sighs] 73 00:03:24,577 --> 00:03:27,046 BOTH: Wow. 74 00:03:27,146 --> 00:03:28,314 When do you want to? 75 00:03:28,414 --> 00:03:29,549 Want to what? 76 00:03:34,087 --> 00:03:35,021 Get married. 77 00:03:35,121 --> 00:03:36,055 Oh. 78 00:03:39,025 --> 00:03:41,895 Well I hadn't-- I hadn't thought about it. 79 00:03:41,995 --> 00:03:43,162 You hadn't? 80 00:03:43,263 --> 00:03:44,731 Well, no. 81 00:03:44,831 --> 00:03:46,165 I thought you'd say no. 82 00:03:52,238 --> 00:03:54,274 Well hubba-- hubba-- hubba-- hubba-- hubba-- hubba-- 83 00:03:57,143 --> 00:03:59,846 how about Sunday? 84 00:03:59,946 --> 00:04:00,880 Sunday? 85 00:04:04,784 --> 00:04:08,221 Sunday would be fine. 86 00:04:08,321 --> 00:04:09,923 Sunday. 87 00:04:10,023 --> 00:04:10,924 Sunday. 88 00:04:23,269 --> 00:04:28,841 Just think, next Sunday I'll be Mrs. Robert Petrie. 89 00:04:28,942 --> 00:04:30,143 Yeah. 90 00:04:30,243 --> 00:04:31,177 Sunday. 91 00:04:36,683 --> 00:04:38,418 Are you scared? 92 00:04:38,518 --> 00:04:39,552 No. 93 00:04:39,652 --> 00:04:41,020 So am I. 94 00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:43,523 ROB (VOICEOVER): A funny thing happened to be on my way to my wedding. 95 00:04:43,623 --> 00:04:45,058 I missed it. 96 00:04:45,158 --> 00:04:47,794 I had an accident and arrived at the chapel just in time to collapse. 97 00:04:57,337 --> 00:05:00,306 [somber wedding music] 98 00:05:19,192 --> 00:05:20,393 Oh, Rob. 99 00:05:30,737 --> 00:05:32,205 Laura? 100 00:05:32,305 --> 00:05:33,139 Laura! 101 00:05:33,239 --> 00:05:34,107 Laura, it's me! 102 00:05:34,207 --> 00:05:35,041 Let go! 103 00:05:35,141 --> 00:05:36,042 It's me, Rob! 104 00:05:36,142 --> 00:05:37,210 I don't ever want to see you again. 105 00:05:37,310 --> 00:05:38,611 Now wait a minute, Honey. 106 00:05:38,711 --> 00:05:40,847 I know you were a little upset today, and I don't blame you. 107 00:05:40,947 --> 00:05:43,349 I'm not upset, and let go of my hand! 108 00:05:43,449 --> 00:05:47,020 Not until you promise to stay here and listen to me. 109 00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:48,421 Now please. 110 00:05:48,521 --> 00:05:50,990 All right, I promise. 111 00:05:51,090 --> 00:05:52,358 Now let go. 112 00:05:52,458 --> 00:05:53,993 OK. 113 00:05:54,093 --> 00:05:55,061 Honey! 114 00:05:55,161 --> 00:05:56,529 You promised you'd stay and listen to me. 115 00:05:56,629 --> 00:05:58,564 And you promised you'd marry me! 116 00:05:58,664 --> 00:05:59,766 Where were you? 117 00:05:59,866 --> 00:06:01,434 That's what I want to explain! 118 00:06:01,534 --> 00:06:06,606 I've never been so humiliated in my whole life, Rob. 119 00:06:06,706 --> 00:06:08,307 Everybody was here. 120 00:06:08,408 --> 00:06:10,443 Even my Aunt Mildred was here. 121 00:06:10,543 --> 00:06:12,712 She came all the way from Ohio! 122 00:06:16,349 --> 00:06:17,150 Oh, honey. 123 00:06:17,250 --> 00:06:17,984 Please. 124 00:06:18,084 --> 00:06:20,153 I hate to see you cry like this. 125 00:06:20,253 --> 00:06:24,157 Well it's the only way I know how to cry! 126 00:06:24,257 --> 00:06:26,225 You jilted me! 127 00:06:26,325 --> 00:06:30,229 Honey, I-- I didn't jilt you. 128 00:06:30,329 --> 00:06:32,365 Well somebody did. 129 00:06:32,465 --> 00:06:35,435 I came here to get married and I'm still single. 130 00:06:35,535 --> 00:06:37,203 And let go of my hand! 131 00:06:37,303 --> 00:06:38,905 No sir! 132 00:06:39,005 --> 00:06:42,141 You promised this hand to me in marriage, and you gave it to me. 133 00:06:42,241 --> 00:06:46,579 Now I'm going to explain to you why I was late, and if you want your hand back now, 134 00:06:46,679 --> 00:06:49,348 I'll be perfectly happy to give it to you. 135 00:06:49,449 --> 00:06:50,917 Make it fast. 136 00:06:51,017 --> 00:06:52,885 My train leaves in an hour. 137 00:06:58,124 --> 00:07:02,662 Do you know that you are a very stubborn, unreasonable, egocentric young lady? 138 00:07:02,762 --> 00:07:05,398 How dare you? 139 00:07:05,498 --> 00:07:06,933 And give me back my hand! 140 00:07:07,033 --> 00:07:09,902 I'll give it back to you just as soon as I'm finished with it. 141 00:07:10,002 --> 00:07:14,307 Now I'll admit that you suffered a little mental anguish here today, but are you so self-centered 142 00:07:14,407 --> 00:07:16,676 that you haven't noticed that I am suffering too? 143 00:07:16,776 --> 00:07:19,145 Oh, are you? 144 00:07:19,245 --> 00:07:22,181 I'm wincing with pain every few seconds. 145 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:32,158 Did you even notice that I'm covered with grease and my ankle is swollen to twice its normal size? 146 00:07:34,827 --> 00:07:36,796 Don't touch my foot. 147 00:07:40,466 --> 00:07:42,301 Well, what happened? 148 00:07:42,401 --> 00:07:44,003 There. 149 00:07:44,103 --> 00:07:47,206 That's what you should have said when you first saw me. 150 00:07:47,306 --> 00:07:48,541 Oh, Rob. 151 00:07:48,641 --> 00:07:49,509 What did happen? 152 00:07:49,609 --> 00:07:50,676 Well, it's a long story. 153 00:07:50,777 --> 00:07:52,478 You might miss your train. 154 00:07:52,578 --> 00:07:55,548 I'd like to hear it. 155 00:07:55,648 --> 00:08:00,686 Well, to tell you the truth, when I got up this morning, I was scared. 156 00:08:00,786 --> 00:08:05,091 I wasn't sure that our getting married was such a good idea. 157 00:08:05,191 --> 00:08:08,461 Well all right, I'll admit, I had some doubts. 158 00:08:08,561 --> 00:08:09,829 All single men do. 159 00:08:09,929 --> 00:08:11,931 All single men who don't want to get married. 160 00:08:12,031 --> 00:08:15,101 All single men. 161 00:08:15,201 --> 00:08:17,904 There's a-- there's a foreverness about marriage. 162 00:08:18,004 --> 00:08:18,838 It's frightening. 163 00:08:18,938 --> 00:08:20,072 Not to me. 164 00:08:20,173 --> 00:08:23,676 Well you've never been a single man. 165 00:08:23,776 --> 00:08:28,214 Well anyway, I took a drive this morning out to our spot. 166 00:08:28,314 --> 00:08:31,384 Had a nice long talk with myself. 167 00:08:31,484 --> 00:08:35,488 I tried very hard to convince myself that our getting married was a big mistake. 168 00:08:35,588 --> 00:08:36,389 Oh? 169 00:08:36,489 --> 00:08:37,957 Yeah. 170 00:08:38,057 --> 00:08:42,562 For every good reason I could come up with that I should marry you, I came up with about 10 171 00:08:42,662 --> 00:08:43,863 good reasons why I shouldn't. 172 00:08:43,963 --> 00:08:45,932 That's nice. 173 00:08:46,032 --> 00:08:50,670 There's only one good reason I couldn't knock down. 174 00:08:50,770 --> 00:08:52,371 I love you. 175 00:08:52,471 --> 00:08:58,678 I know that's a ridiculous reason to get married, but I'm a little old-fashioned that way. 176 00:08:58,778 --> 00:09:01,714 Well, that's my story. 177 00:09:01,814 --> 00:09:05,251 If you want to go catch your train, you're perfectly free to go. 178 00:09:05,351 --> 00:09:08,120 How did you hurt your ankle? 179 00:09:08,221 --> 00:09:14,594 Well, the Jeep broke down and I started running here, and I tripped and sprained it. 180 00:09:14,694 --> 00:09:16,329 How did you get back here? 181 00:09:16,429 --> 00:09:17,897 I hopped. 182 00:09:20,466 --> 00:09:22,468 All the way? 183 00:09:22,568 --> 00:09:25,705 Two and a half hours. 184 00:09:25,805 --> 00:09:27,540 I believe this is yours. 185 00:09:32,745 --> 00:09:33,879 Next Sunday? 186 00:09:33,980 --> 00:09:35,081 Please. 187 00:09:40,953 --> 00:09:44,657 ROB (VOICEOVER): Next Sunday, I was in no shape to get married, but I couldn't tell Laura. 188 00:09:44,757 --> 00:09:47,994 My ankle throbbed, and I had a cold that would kill a rhinoceros. 189 00:09:48,094 --> 00:09:50,863 My head was so stuffed I couldn't hear one word the chaplain was saying. 190 00:09:50,963 --> 00:09:58,004 Thou have this woman to be thy wife, to love, and to cherish, in sickness-- I do. 191 00:10:00,573 --> 00:10:01,474 I don't. 192 00:10:05,511 --> 00:10:10,049 In sickness, and in health, until death do you part? 193 00:10:14,253 --> 00:10:15,788 I do. 194 00:10:15,888 --> 00:10:21,394 And do you Laura, take this man to love, and to cherish, 195 00:10:21,494 --> 00:10:24,931 in sickness, and in health, till death do you part? 196 00:10:25,031 --> 00:10:26,499 I do. 197 00:10:26,599 --> 00:10:29,669 I do. 198 00:10:29,769 --> 00:10:31,737 I don't. 199 00:10:31,837 --> 00:10:35,541 There be anyone present who knows why these two should not 200 00:10:35,641 --> 00:10:42,214 be joined in lawful wedlock, let him speak now, or forever hold his peace. 201 00:10:42,315 --> 00:10:45,551 I do. 202 00:10:45,651 --> 00:10:51,223 Well so do I. 203 00:10:51,324 --> 00:10:54,794 ROB (VOICEOVER): Well, we finally did get married, and one year and nine months later, 204 00:10:54,894 --> 00:10:58,130 we were lying in bed waiting impatiently for you know who. 205 00:11:00,666 --> 00:11:02,535 Honey, how do you feel? 206 00:11:02,635 --> 00:11:04,036 Fine. 207 00:11:04,136 --> 00:11:08,507 Honey, how can you read when you know you might be a mother any minute? 208 00:11:08,607 --> 00:11:11,444 Honey, I'm not going to be a mother any minute. 209 00:11:11,544 --> 00:11:14,480 Look, I was with you when your doctor said it could be any day now. 210 00:11:14,580 --> 00:11:17,516 He said any day, not any minute. 211 00:11:17,616 --> 00:11:20,019 Yeah, but Honey, that was three days ago. 212 00:11:22,321 --> 00:11:24,857 Don't you feel anything funny? 213 00:11:24,957 --> 00:11:26,559 I do feel something. 214 00:11:26,659 --> 00:11:27,460 Funny? 215 00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:28,761 No. 216 00:11:28,861 --> 00:11:33,699 I feel you're going to have a nervous breakdown if you don't relax and go to sleep. 217 00:11:33,799 --> 00:11:34,600 Now relax. 218 00:11:34,700 --> 00:11:35,601 I'm relaxed! 219 00:11:35,701 --> 00:11:37,169 I'm relaxed! 220 00:11:37,269 --> 00:11:38,938 You don't look it. 221 00:11:39,038 --> 00:11:40,406 Believe me, Darling. 222 00:11:40,506 --> 00:11:42,742 The best thing you can do for me is to go to sleep. 223 00:11:42,842 --> 00:11:44,510 I'll call you if anything happens. 224 00:11:44,610 --> 00:11:45,711 All right, Honey. 225 00:11:45,811 --> 00:11:47,713 I'll try to get some sleep. 226 00:11:47,813 --> 00:11:48,948 You call me if anything happens. 227 00:11:49,048 --> 00:11:50,783 Who else would I call? 228 00:11:50,883 --> 00:11:54,120 I had a cousin call a cab. 229 00:11:54,220 --> 00:11:55,654 She didn't want to disturb her husband. 230 00:11:55,755 --> 00:11:57,123 I promise I'll disturb you. 231 00:11:57,223 --> 00:11:58,357 Now go to sleep. 232 00:11:58,457 --> 00:12:00,593 Honey, what are you reading? 233 00:12:00,693 --> 00:12:03,195 What to do before the doctor comes. 234 00:12:03,295 --> 00:12:04,663 What are you reading that for? 235 00:12:04,764 --> 00:12:07,066 You expect something to happen before the doctor comes? 236 00:12:07,166 --> 00:12:09,602 No Rob, I'm just reading to get sleepy. 237 00:12:09,702 --> 00:12:11,737 Honey, you never have any trouble getting to sleep. 238 00:12:11,837 --> 00:12:13,038 Why can't you go to sleep? 239 00:12:13,139 --> 00:12:17,643 Because I'm married to the noisiest husband in New York State. 240 00:12:17,743 --> 00:12:18,878 Honey. 241 00:12:18,978 --> 00:12:21,180 All right Honey, I'm just trying to-- I'll call a cab. 242 00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:22,748 All right, all right. 243 00:12:22,848 --> 00:12:25,217 You won't hear another word out of me unless you call me. 244 00:12:25,317 --> 00:12:26,552 All right? - All right. 245 00:12:33,526 --> 00:12:34,527 Oh dear. 246 00:12:34,627 --> 00:12:35,461 What's the matter? 247 00:12:35,561 --> 00:12:36,529 What? 248 00:12:36,629 --> 00:12:37,797 What's what? 249 00:12:37,897 --> 00:12:38,998 You said oh dear. 250 00:12:39,098 --> 00:12:40,433 I was just sighing. 251 00:12:40,533 --> 00:12:45,171 Well Honey, at a time like this, don't sigh unless you really mean it. 252 00:12:45,271 --> 00:12:47,540 I'll try not to. 253 00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:48,507 All right. 254 00:12:48,607 --> 00:12:49,508 LAURA: Good night. 255 00:12:49,608 --> 00:12:51,143 Good night. 256 00:12:55,748 --> 00:12:56,582 [alarm clock] 257 00:12:56,682 --> 00:12:57,583 It's time! 258 00:13:02,087 --> 00:13:04,590 Oh, Rob. 259 00:13:04,690 --> 00:13:05,558 Honey! 260 00:13:05,658 --> 00:13:06,959 It's all right. 261 00:13:07,059 --> 00:13:10,362 LAURA: Rob, I am perfectly all-- I'll get the car. I'll call the hospital. 262 00:13:10,463 --> 00:13:11,397 Rob, I am perfectly all right. 263 00:13:11,497 --> 00:13:13,132 I just dropped the alarm clock. 264 00:13:17,303 --> 00:13:18,838 You didn't feel anything funny? 265 00:13:18,938 --> 00:13:19,972 No. 266 00:13:20,072 --> 00:13:20,906 Look. 267 00:13:21,006 --> 00:13:23,042 In your suit again. 268 00:13:23,142 --> 00:13:25,044 Rob, take those clothes off and go to sleep. 269 00:13:25,144 --> 00:13:26,512 Just never mind about the suit. 270 00:13:30,716 --> 00:13:31,750 He says any day now. 271 00:13:31,851 --> 00:13:34,053 Any day now. 272 00:13:34,153 --> 00:13:36,255 Probably be a week before-- 273 00:14:11,323 --> 00:14:15,094 ROB (VOICEOVER): The next morning, I went to work looking like I'd slept in a box of prunes. 274 00:14:15,194 --> 00:14:17,329 We all decided I ought to have my suit pressed. 275 00:14:17,429 --> 00:14:19,498 Fast and friendly service, who's got the suit to go? 276 00:14:19,598 --> 00:14:20,266 Oh! 277 00:14:20,366 --> 00:14:21,233 Will you give that to him? 278 00:14:21,333 --> 00:14:23,302 Watch out! 279 00:14:23,402 --> 00:14:24,470 Watch out, the pastry. 280 00:14:24,570 --> 00:14:26,405 That got health laws in this state. 281 00:14:26,505 --> 00:14:29,642 My goodness, I never saw anything. 282 00:14:29,742 --> 00:14:32,578 Will you pass it over to the boy-- In case you want to get rid of it. 283 00:14:32,678 --> 00:14:33,913 Boy, would you get it right back? 284 00:14:34,013 --> 00:14:35,147 I need it badly. Quick. 285 00:14:35,247 --> 00:14:36,315 What did you do? Sleep in this thing? 286 00:14:36,415 --> 00:14:37,483 Yes, I did. Just go. 287 00:14:37,583 --> 00:14:39,018 Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. 288 00:14:39,118 --> 00:14:40,019 You going to buy something? 289 00:14:40,119 --> 00:14:41,187 How about a Danish pastry? 290 00:14:41,287 --> 00:14:42,521 - How much? - Press the pants! 291 00:14:42,621 --> 00:14:43,956 I'm going. I'm going! 292 00:14:44,056 --> 00:14:44,890 Oh! 293 00:14:44,990 --> 00:14:46,625 That's hot. 294 00:14:46,725 --> 00:14:50,362 Now, are you all finished with your own personal little doings? 295 00:14:50,462 --> 00:14:51,664 Yeah, he's here. 296 00:14:51,764 --> 00:14:53,299 Hey Rob, it's your wife. I think this is it. 297 00:14:53,399 --> 00:14:54,233 Oh, hand me the phone! 298 00:14:54,333 --> 00:14:55,267 Watch out! 299 00:14:55,367 --> 00:14:57,570 The Danish with the health laws! 300 00:14:57,670 --> 00:14:58,437 I'm sorry. 301 00:14:58,537 --> 00:14:59,772 I'll pay for it all. 302 00:14:59,872 --> 00:15:01,073 - You're going to pay it? - I'll pay for it. 303 00:15:01,173 --> 00:15:02,141 Walk on em. Look. 304 00:15:02,241 --> 00:15:04,043 Rob, here's the phone. 305 00:15:04,143 --> 00:15:05,644 Right in the eyes. 306 00:15:05,744 --> 00:15:08,581 You want a-- you want a piece of ice? 307 00:15:08,681 --> 00:15:09,381 No thank you. 308 00:15:09,481 --> 00:15:10,783 Hey, meat is good for that. 309 00:15:10,883 --> 00:15:13,285 I got beef bun over there. 310 00:15:13,385 --> 00:15:14,620 Hey Laura? 311 00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:15,955 LAURA: Rob, what happened? Are you all right? 312 00:15:16,055 --> 00:15:17,222 Nothing. I'm all right, Honey. 313 00:15:17,323 --> 00:15:18,357 I'm fine. 314 00:15:18,457 --> 00:15:19,525 I got hit in the head with a phone. 315 00:15:19,625 --> 00:15:21,026 How are you? - Well, I don't know. 316 00:15:21,126 --> 00:15:24,196 I just called the doctor and he said that I have plenty of time, but I should start getting 317 00:15:24,296 --> 00:15:25,297 ready to go to the hospital. 318 00:15:25,397 --> 00:15:26,699 Oh, I love you. 319 00:15:26,799 --> 00:15:27,933 This is it gang! 320 00:15:28,033 --> 00:15:30,202 Hey Rob! 321 00:15:30,302 --> 00:15:31,136 Didn't you forget something? 322 00:15:31,236 --> 00:15:32,771 Oh, hang it up, will you? 323 00:15:32,871 --> 00:15:33,973 Rob! 324 00:15:34,073 --> 00:15:35,007 Your suit. 325 00:15:35,107 --> 00:15:36,475 I can't pick it up tomorrow. 326 00:15:36,575 --> 00:15:38,110 You can't run around New York with your pants off. 327 00:15:38,210 --> 00:15:39,078 Ah! 328 00:15:39,178 --> 00:15:40,412 Mel, give me your pants. 329 00:15:40,512 --> 00:15:42,247 I really need my pants today. 330 00:15:42,348 --> 00:15:44,116 I'm having lunch with a sponsor. 331 00:15:44,216 --> 00:15:45,317 Buddy. 332 00:15:45,417 --> 00:15:46,352 I would, but they'd never fit you. 333 00:15:46,452 --> 00:15:47,486 I don't care what I look like. 334 00:15:47,586 --> 00:15:48,254 I just don't want to be arrested. 335 00:15:48,354 --> 00:15:49,622 Come on, Buddy. 336 00:15:49,722 --> 00:15:53,492 ROB (VOICEOVER): Wearing Buddy's pants, I rushed home and got there just in time 337 00:15:53,592 --> 00:15:57,096 to smash my car in the driveway. 338 00:15:57,196 --> 00:15:58,464 Rob! 339 00:15:58,564 --> 00:16:00,399 Honey, how do you feel? 340 00:16:00,499 --> 00:16:02,701 Honey, never-- wha-- what's the matter with you? 341 00:16:02,801 --> 00:16:03,402 Are you all right? 342 00:16:03,502 --> 00:16:04,403 What are those pants? 343 00:16:04,503 --> 00:16:05,904 Never mind my pants, Honey. 344 00:16:06,005 --> 00:16:07,706 Come on. Let's go. 345 00:16:07,806 --> 00:16:08,440 Well Rob! 346 00:16:08,540 --> 00:16:09,775 You can't go mister. 347 00:16:09,875 --> 00:16:11,577 Oh, mister, I want to drive my wife myself. 348 00:16:11,677 --> 00:16:15,381 You, and me, and the car in front of us all locked bumpers when you knocked into me. 349 00:16:15,481 --> 00:16:16,715 Well can't we unlock them? 350 00:16:16,815 --> 00:16:18,083 You've got to have a lot of help for that. 351 00:16:18,183 --> 00:16:19,652 We're like welded together. 352 00:16:19,752 --> 00:16:21,520 Oh my God. 353 00:16:21,620 --> 00:16:22,855 I'll have to-- I know. Millie. 354 00:16:22,955 --> 00:16:24,456 Millie, call any of the neighbors and ask them. 355 00:16:24,556 --> 00:16:25,958 No, no. I'll do it. 356 00:16:26,058 --> 00:16:26,859 Can I use your phone? 357 00:16:26,959 --> 00:16:27,793 Why? 358 00:16:27,893 --> 00:16:28,894 No, I'll use ours. 359 00:16:28,994 --> 00:16:29,795 Where is it? 360 00:16:29,895 --> 00:16:31,864 It's over there. 361 00:16:31,964 --> 00:16:32,898 What's their number? 362 00:16:32,998 --> 00:16:33,832 Whose? 363 00:16:33,932 --> 00:16:34,767 Anybody's! 364 00:16:34,867 --> 00:16:36,101 Rob, calm down. 365 00:16:36,201 --> 00:16:37,236 We have plenty of time. 366 00:16:37,336 --> 00:16:38,437 Honey, I want you to sit down. 367 00:16:38,537 --> 00:16:39,371 Don't stand up. 368 00:16:39,471 --> 00:16:40,339 Oh, Rob. 369 00:16:40,439 --> 00:16:42,041 That's it. 370 00:16:42,141 --> 00:16:43,008 Hello, operator? 371 00:16:43,108 --> 00:16:43,909 Operator? 372 00:16:44,009 --> 00:16:45,344 My wife's having a baby. 373 00:16:45,444 --> 00:16:47,312 Wait a minute, give me the police! 374 00:16:47,413 --> 00:16:49,181 Rob, why don't you just call another taxi? 375 00:16:49,281 --> 00:16:50,649 Yeah, let me call my company. 376 00:16:50,749 --> 00:16:52,351 We'll have another cab here in five minutes. 377 00:16:52,451 --> 00:16:58,057 MILLIE: Yeah Rob, let's call-- There's not going to be any company-- oh, don't hang up! 378 00:16:58,157 --> 00:17:00,759 Hello? 379 00:17:00,859 --> 00:17:03,162 Send a squad car here right away. 380 00:17:03,262 --> 00:17:04,363 Good. 381 00:17:04,463 --> 00:17:05,864 Our troubles are over, Honey. - Rob. 382 00:17:05,964 --> 00:17:07,599 A squad car's coming right down here any minute now. 383 00:17:07,700 --> 00:17:08,734 - Rob. - What's the matter? 384 00:17:08,834 --> 00:17:10,469 You didn't give them our address. 385 00:17:10,569 --> 00:17:12,504 I didn't-- oh my gosh. 386 00:17:12,604 --> 00:17:14,373 ROB (VOICEOVER): A week later, we brought home a baby. 387 00:17:14,473 --> 00:17:17,710 However, certain evidence convinced me that the baby wasn't ours. 388 00:17:17,810 --> 00:17:19,445 So we decided to take his footprints. 389 00:17:19,545 --> 00:17:22,081 There's something very funny about this footprint. 390 00:17:22,181 --> 00:17:24,717 Let's compare them. 391 00:17:24,817 --> 00:17:26,352 I know what's funny about that footprint. 392 00:17:26,452 --> 00:17:29,455 It's got six toes. 393 00:17:29,555 --> 00:17:31,957 Rob, that's your thumb print! 394 00:17:35,194 --> 00:17:38,330 Well Jerry, what do you think? 395 00:17:38,430 --> 00:17:40,165 Rob. 396 00:17:40,265 --> 00:17:44,903 I would say that that footprint and that footprint are from that baby. 397 00:17:45,003 --> 00:17:46,071 Are you sure? 398 00:17:49,141 --> 00:17:49,975 Jerry, are you positive? 399 00:17:50,075 --> 00:17:51,009 Yep. 400 00:17:51,110 --> 00:17:52,344 That's what I was afraid of. 401 00:17:52,444 --> 00:17:54,847 Read the top line. 402 00:17:54,947 --> 00:17:55,547 Sex, male. 403 00:17:55,647 --> 00:17:58,851 Name, Baby Boy Peters? 404 00:17:58,951 --> 00:18:00,686 I'm afraid that proves it, Jerry. 405 00:18:00,786 --> 00:18:03,922 Well that proves nothing Jerry, you said those were both the same. 406 00:18:04,022 --> 00:18:05,791 Well what do I know about footprints? 407 00:18:05,891 --> 00:18:07,359 I'm a dentist. 408 00:18:07,459 --> 00:18:08,894 Wait, Rob, wait. 409 00:18:08,994 --> 00:18:11,029 Before you tell Laura, at least check with the hospital. 410 00:18:11,130 --> 00:18:14,299 All right Jerry, I'll check with them first. 411 00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:17,636 It's probably them checking with me. 412 00:18:17,736 --> 00:18:18,737 Hello. 413 00:18:18,837 --> 00:18:21,607 Yes, this is Robert Petrie. 414 00:18:21,707 --> 00:18:22,941 Who? 415 00:18:23,041 --> 00:18:23,642 It's Mr. Peters. 416 00:18:23,742 --> 00:18:24,910 What does he want? 417 00:18:25,010 --> 00:18:27,813 What do you think? 418 00:18:27,913 --> 00:18:29,047 Hello. 419 00:18:29,148 --> 00:18:30,816 Yes Mr. Peters. 420 00:18:30,916 --> 00:18:32,184 That's right. 421 00:18:32,284 --> 00:18:35,487 You have something of ours, and we have something of yours. 422 00:18:35,587 --> 00:18:38,090 Dried figs. 423 00:18:38,190 --> 00:18:40,058 She got Laura's aunt's figs. 424 00:18:40,159 --> 00:18:42,161 Mr. Peters. 425 00:18:42,261 --> 00:18:44,830 You don't-- you don't know then. 426 00:18:44,930 --> 00:18:46,365 I see. 427 00:18:46,465 --> 00:18:50,002 Well, Mr. Peters, this is going to be a little hard to tell you. 428 00:18:50,102 --> 00:18:52,538 See, how can I put it? 429 00:18:52,638 --> 00:18:53,806 Look, Mr. Peters. 430 00:18:53,906 --> 00:18:58,343 You know there's a tremendous similarity between room to 208 and 203. 431 00:18:58,443 --> 00:19:01,346 If you close up the open end of a three, you've got an eight. 432 00:19:01,447 --> 00:19:02,481 Right. 433 00:19:02,581 --> 00:19:07,319 Now there's also a great similarity between Robert Petrie, yes. 434 00:19:07,419 --> 00:19:08,353 Yeah, that's right. 435 00:19:08,453 --> 00:19:09,888 I write for The Alan Brady Show. 436 00:19:09,988 --> 00:19:13,926 Well I'm glad you think our show is funny Mr. Peters, but I'd like to get this thing settled. 437 00:19:14,026 --> 00:19:16,962 There is also a great similarity, Mr. Peters, between our names. 438 00:19:17,062 --> 00:19:18,363 Peters and Petrie. 439 00:19:18,463 --> 00:19:21,400 Now our wives had a baby in the same day, in the same hospital, 440 00:19:21,500 --> 00:19:23,969 and the hospital was very busy, Mr. Peters. 441 00:19:24,069 --> 00:19:25,904 What am I getting at? 442 00:19:26,004 --> 00:19:28,607 Mr. Peters, let me ask you a personal question. 443 00:19:28,707 --> 00:19:31,210 Who does your baby look like? 444 00:19:31,310 --> 00:19:32,711 Uh-huh? 445 00:19:32,811 --> 00:19:35,480 Well ours doesn't look like neither one of us neither. 446 00:19:35,581 --> 00:19:38,283 I think I'm making myself very clear Mr. Peters. 447 00:19:38,383 --> 00:19:39,585 We have each other's babies. 448 00:19:39,685 --> 00:19:42,554 ROB (VOICEOVER): Mr. Peters agreed to come over and straighten things out. 449 00:19:42,654 --> 00:19:45,591 Now all I had to do was find a good way to tell Laura that she had the wrong baby. 450 00:19:45,691 --> 00:19:47,626 I love you very much. 451 00:19:51,430 --> 00:19:54,600 Honey, how much do you like that baby. 452 00:19:58,537 --> 00:20:01,573 Oh, Rob, don't tell me you're jealous already. 453 00:20:01,673 --> 00:20:05,310 Honey, I'm not-- Oh, that Dr. Spock knows everything. 454 00:20:05,410 --> 00:20:06,712 That man is a genius. 455 00:20:06,812 --> 00:20:08,847 He doesn't know everything in the whole world. 456 00:20:08,947 --> 00:20:12,618 Laura, did you know the one out of every 50 million women has the wrong baby. 457 00:20:12,718 --> 00:20:14,186 Well that's a cute trick. 458 00:20:14,286 --> 00:20:16,188 How does she manage? 459 00:20:16,288 --> 00:20:18,790 Honey, she doesn't have it while she's having it. 460 00:20:18,891 --> 00:20:22,227 After she has it, she has it. 461 00:20:22,327 --> 00:20:26,765 Rob, are you trying to tell me that we have the wrong baby? 462 00:20:29,568 --> 00:20:30,969 You're crazy. 463 00:20:31,069 --> 00:20:32,504 Honey, keep calm. 464 00:20:32,604 --> 00:20:34,306 Honey, I'm perfectly calm. 465 00:20:34,406 --> 00:20:38,110 Our baby is probably just as cute as that one is. 466 00:20:38,210 --> 00:20:39,678 Oh, will you stop? 467 00:20:39,778 --> 00:20:41,513 Where did you ever get such a crazy idea? 468 00:20:41,613 --> 00:20:42,547 At the hospital! 469 00:20:42,648 --> 00:20:43,515 That's where we got it! 470 00:20:43,615 --> 00:20:45,684 We got the wrong flowers. 471 00:20:45,784 --> 00:20:49,388 You forgot about the blueberry tarts and the rice pudding pretty fast, didn't you? 472 00:20:49,488 --> 00:20:50,989 Not to mention dried figs? 473 00:20:51,089 --> 00:20:55,460 Dried-- Rob, this is our baby, and that's all there is to it. 474 00:20:55,561 --> 00:20:58,830 Honey, he doesn't even look like us. 475 00:20:58,931 --> 00:20:59,564 Rob. 476 00:20:59,665 --> 00:21:00,832 You see? 477 00:21:00,933 --> 00:21:03,435 All I see is our baby with a blue foot. 478 00:21:03,535 --> 00:21:05,871 What is that, Rob? 479 00:21:05,971 --> 00:21:06,705 Ink. 480 00:21:06,805 --> 00:21:08,106 How did it get there? 481 00:21:08,206 --> 00:21:10,442 Jerry and I put it on. 482 00:21:10,542 --> 00:21:11,944 Why? 483 00:21:12,044 --> 00:21:15,080 Just running a series of tests. 484 00:21:15,180 --> 00:21:19,918 Rob, there are no series of tests in the world that are going to convince me that is not our baby. 485 00:21:20,018 --> 00:21:20,786 Oh, Honey. 486 00:21:20,886 --> 00:21:21,753 I don't blame you. 487 00:21:21,853 --> 00:21:23,221 You can't face the facts. 488 00:21:23,322 --> 00:21:24,156 Poor kid. 489 00:21:24,256 --> 00:21:25,257 Oh, Rob. 490 00:21:25,357 --> 00:21:27,392 Well, Honey, that's probably the Peters now. 491 00:21:27,492 --> 00:21:28,527 Brace yourself. 492 00:21:28,627 --> 00:21:29,695 Rob, nobody is taking this baby. 493 00:21:29,795 --> 00:21:30,595 Do you hear me? 494 00:21:30,696 --> 00:21:32,130 Nobody! 495 00:21:32,230 --> 00:21:33,565 Laura, I think it'd be better if you went to your room. 496 00:21:33,665 --> 00:21:35,934 I can handle this. 497 00:21:36,034 --> 00:21:38,737 I am staying right here. 498 00:21:41,306 --> 00:21:45,043 MR. PETERS: Hi, we're Mr. And Mrs. Peters. 499 00:21:45,143 --> 00:21:46,111 Come in. 500 00:21:53,619 --> 00:21:59,925 I believe-- I believe we have your Aunt Bertha's figs and you have taken Benny's flowers. 501 00:22:00,025 --> 00:22:03,228 Mrs. Peters, won't you come in? 502 00:22:10,569 --> 00:22:14,439 Come and sit down. 503 00:22:14,539 --> 00:22:15,607 Rob? 504 00:22:15,707 --> 00:22:16,775 What do you think? Is it a book? 505 00:22:16,875 --> 00:22:17,776 Oh Rob, it is. 506 00:22:17,876 --> 00:22:18,844 It really is. It is. 507 00:22:18,944 --> 00:22:20,212 I love it. - Do you really? 508 00:22:20,312 --> 00:22:21,646 Yeah, I only read the first chapters. 509 00:22:21,747 --> 00:22:22,581 The rest is good? 510 00:22:22,681 --> 00:22:23,548 Honey, better. 511 00:22:23,649 --> 00:22:24,549 I improve as I get along. 512 00:22:24,650 --> 00:22:26,218 I start to use punctuation. 513 00:22:26,318 --> 00:22:28,053 Everything. 514 00:22:28,153 --> 00:22:31,490 If you were a publisher, and you didn't know me, didn't know I'd written it, would you publish it? 515 00:22:31,590 --> 00:22:32,758 - You mean Is it good? - Yeah. 516 00:22:32,858 --> 00:22:34,159 Yeah, Rob. 517 00:22:34,259 --> 00:22:35,093 It really is. 518 00:22:35,193 --> 00:22:36,428 Well boy, I'm glad to hear that. 519 00:22:36,528 --> 00:22:37,596 Because I sent it to a publisher. 520 00:22:37,696 --> 00:22:39,131 If he turns me down, you got a deal. 521 00:22:39,231 --> 00:22:40,098 Oh my. 522 00:22:40,198 --> 00:22:41,033 Yeah, Honey. 523 00:22:41,133 --> 00:22:45,470 I am-- I don't-- You OK? 524 00:22:45,570 --> 00:22:46,638 No, read. 525 00:22:46,738 --> 00:22:47,906 Go ahead and read. 526 00:22:53,011 --> 00:22:56,114 You mean he wouldn't even give you a hint about what the surprise was? 527 00:22:56,214 --> 00:22:58,984 No, he just said I'm bringing Alan Brady and the gang home to make a party. 528 00:22:59,084 --> 00:23:00,052 I'll bet it's about the book. 529 00:23:00,152 --> 00:23:01,186 I bet he found a publisher. 530 00:23:01,286 --> 00:23:02,487 Oh, do you think so? 531 00:23:02,587 --> 00:23:03,622 Hi Honey. 532 00:23:03,722 --> 00:23:05,757 Hey, hi! 533 00:23:05,857 --> 00:23:07,225 [interposing voices] - Hi, Jere. 534 00:23:07,325 --> 00:23:08,160 Laura, how are you? 535 00:23:08,260 --> 00:23:08,927 Jerry! 536 00:23:09,027 --> 00:23:10,195 [interposing voices] 537 00:23:10,295 --> 00:23:11,697 We're not nearly ready for dinner, Rob. 538 00:23:11,797 --> 00:23:13,298 Are you ready for a little bit of good news? 539 00:23:13,398 --> 00:23:14,466 Yeah, I think so. 540 00:23:14,566 --> 00:23:16,234 I heard from the publisher today. 541 00:23:16,334 --> 00:23:17,169 Yeah? 542 00:23:17,269 --> 00:23:18,837 He hates it, boy. 543 00:23:18,937 --> 00:23:21,339 He said it reminded him of about 50 other books. 544 00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:22,908 - He's kidding? - No, no. 545 00:23:23,008 --> 00:23:23,809 That's what they said. 546 00:23:23,909 --> 00:23:24,776 That's right. 547 00:23:24,876 --> 00:23:25,911 One editor said it stunk. 548 00:23:26,011 --> 00:23:27,145 Well, why is everyone so happy? 549 00:23:27,245 --> 00:23:29,314 Because Alan read it, and he loved it. 550 00:23:29,414 --> 00:23:30,849 What do I know from style? 551 00:23:30,949 --> 00:23:33,919 Honey, Alan wants to produce it as a television series. 552 00:23:34,019 --> 00:23:36,488 Your book's going to be a television series? 553 00:23:36,588 --> 00:23:37,823 It's true. 554 00:23:37,923 --> 00:23:40,959 Of course, I won't do it until after my series is defunct, which may never be. 555 00:23:41,059 --> 00:23:43,161 Alan is going to play me. 556 00:23:43,261 --> 00:23:46,865 Yeah, the three of us are going to write it, and Leonard Bershad is going to produce it. 557 00:23:46,965 --> 00:23:50,736 [interposing voices] 558 00:23:50,836 --> 00:23:51,970 Wait. 559 00:23:52,070 --> 00:23:53,205 Hold it, hold it a second. 560 00:23:53,305 --> 00:23:54,706 Honey, what do you think? - Oh, gosh. 561 00:23:54,806 --> 00:23:55,740 I don't know what to say. 562 00:23:55,841 --> 00:23:56,975 Alan's really going to play you? 563 00:23:57,075 --> 00:23:58,477 And Rob won't have to shave his head. 564 00:23:58,577 --> 00:24:00,245 I'll wear a toupee. 565 00:24:00,345 --> 00:24:01,213 Isn't that terrific? 566 00:24:01,313 --> 00:24:01,913 Yeah! 567 00:24:02,013 --> 00:24:03,048 Who's going to play me? 568 00:24:03,148 --> 00:24:03,815 Oh. 569 00:24:03,915 --> 00:24:05,183 Great comedian. - Who? 570 00:24:05,283 --> 00:24:06,284 Who? 571 00:24:06,384 --> 00:24:08,153 Martha Diller. 572 00:24:08,253 --> 00:24:10,188 Martha Diller? 573 00:24:10,288 --> 00:24:12,190 With the-- It was my idea. 574 00:24:12,290 --> 00:24:13,558 LAURA: Really? 575 00:24:13,658 --> 00:24:14,693 Is that definite, Rob? 576 00:24:14,793 --> 00:24:15,861 Yes. Yes. 577 00:24:15,961 --> 00:24:17,062 Hey, who's going to play me? 578 00:24:17,162 --> 00:24:18,463 Your part will be cartoon. 579 00:24:21,299 --> 00:24:21,967 Oh my gosh. 580 00:24:22,067 --> 00:24:22,968 SALLY: What's the matter? 581 00:24:23,068 --> 00:24:24,536 Well, I was just thinking. 582 00:24:24,636 --> 00:24:29,441 Laura's so pretty, and if Martha Diller is going to play her, who's going to play me? 583 00:24:29,541 --> 00:24:31,476 Oh, come on. 584 00:24:31,576 --> 00:24:35,147 [interposing voices] 585 00:24:39,518 --> 00:24:45,891 [theme music] 40627

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