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[theme music]
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ANNOUNCER: The Dick Van Dyke Show!
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Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey
Amsterdam, Larry Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Hi, Honey.
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Rob, your whole dinner's practically ruined!
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Oh well, who cares?
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I do!
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Where were you?
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When I show you what I got behind my back,
you're going to forgive me for everything.
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Oh, good.
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You remembered to get Ritchie's shoes from the repair shop?
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I forgot.
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Honey, my book.
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What book?
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What-- I tear myself apart for five years
trying to write a book, and you say what book?
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Oh, Rob.
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Your book?
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Untitled.
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A series of terribly important events in the
fairly unimportant life of Robert S. Petrie.
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Oh, Rob.
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You've finished it.
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You really finished it!
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Yeah, during my lunch hours and one dinner hour tonight.
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Oh, boy.
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Well, I tell you what.
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You start your wilted salad and the
rest of the meal is in the oven.
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Honey, I don't want to have to eat in the bedroom.
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You're going to watch me read?
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Yes, indeed I am.
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Rob, it's no good.
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Well how can you say that?
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You haven't even read the first page yet.
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I haven't read the first word.
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And I'm not going to be able to
with you staring over my shoulder.
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Now come on. - I'm in the other room.
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Keep reading. Read, read.
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I'm gone.
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[dish clattering]
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Rob.
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ROB (VOICEOVER): This book is for my wife.
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I was born in Danville, Illinois.
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Then I married Laura Meehan in Joplin, Missouri.
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The reason I won't tell you about the time in between
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is that, except for the time I broke my cheek at age
11, my life was exactly like that of Doctor Zhivago.
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Except his took place in Russia and mine in Danville.
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Rather than risk a lawsuit,
I'll concentrate on my life after marriage.
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Like most strong marriages, mine started with a weak proposal.
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Rob, are you all right?
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Oh yeah, I'm fine.
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It's just-- it's a little cold out tonight.
51
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Cold?
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It must be 80 degrees.
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It is?
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Rob, we'd better drive right back.
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I think you've caught a cold.
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You're shivering.
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Well it's a family trait.
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All the male members of my family shiver
when they're about to propose marriage.
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Is that what you're about to do?
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Yeah.
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Yeah, I guess so.
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Laura.
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Will you marry me?
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You want me to marry you?
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Yeah, very much.
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Oh.
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You're shivering.
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Well all the female members of my family react
this way when they accept marriage proposals.
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Yeah?
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Yeah.
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Well, I guess I guess
we ought to-- Yeah.
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[sighs]
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BOTH: Wow.
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When do you want to?
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Want to what?
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Get married.
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Oh.
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Well I hadn't-- I hadn't thought about it.
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You hadn't?
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Well, no.
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I thought you'd say no.
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Well hubba-- hubba-- hubba-- hubba-- hubba-- hubba--
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how about Sunday?
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Sunday?
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Sunday would be fine.
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Sunday.
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Sunday.
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Just think, next Sunday I'll be Mrs. Robert Petrie.
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Yeah.
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Sunday.
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Are you scared?
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No.
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So am I.
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ROB (VOICEOVER): A funny thing
happened to be on my way to my wedding.
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I missed it.
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I had an accident and arrived at
the chapel just in time to collapse.
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[somber wedding music]
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Oh, Rob.
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Laura?
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Laura!
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Laura, it's me!
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Let go!
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It's me, Rob!
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I don't ever want to see you again.
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Now wait a minute, Honey.
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I know you were a little upset today, and I don't blame you.
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I'm not upset, and let go of my hand!
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Not until you promise to stay here and listen to me.
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Now please.
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All right, I promise.
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Now let go.
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OK.
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Honey!
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You promised you'd stay and listen to me.
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And you promised you'd marry me!
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Where were you?
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That's what I want to explain!
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I've never been so humiliated in my whole life, Rob.
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Everybody was here.
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Even my Aunt Mildred was here.
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She came all the way from Ohio!
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Oh, honey.
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Please.
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I hate to see you cry like this.
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Well it's the only way I know how to cry!
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You jilted me!
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Honey, I-- I didn't jilt you.
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Well somebody did.
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I came here to get married and I'm still single.
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And let go of my hand!
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No sir!
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You promised this hand to me in
marriage, and you gave it to me.
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Now I'm going to explain to you why I was
late, and if you want your hand back now,
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I'll be perfectly happy to give it to you.
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Make it fast.
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My train leaves in an hour.
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Do you know that you are a very stubborn,
unreasonable, egocentric young lady?
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How dare you?
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And give me back my hand!
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I'll give it back to you just
as soon as I'm finished with it.
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Now I'll admit that you suffered a little mental
anguish here today, but are you so self-centered
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that you haven't noticed that I am suffering too?
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Oh, are you?
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I'm wincing with pain every few seconds.
145
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Did you even notice that I'm covered with grease
and my ankle is swollen to twice its normal size?
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Don't touch my foot.
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Well, what happened?
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There.
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That's what you should have said when you first saw me.
150
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Oh, Rob.
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What did happen?
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Well, it's a long story.
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You might miss your train.
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I'd like to hear it.
155
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Well, to tell you the truth,
when I got up this morning, I was scared.
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I wasn't sure that our getting married was such a good idea.
157
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Well all right, I'll admit, I had some doubts.
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All single men do.
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All single men who don't want to get married.
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All single men.
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There's a-- there's a foreverness about marriage.
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It's frightening.
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Not to me.
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Well you've never been a single man.
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Well anyway, I took a drive this morning out to our spot.
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Had a nice long talk with myself.
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I tried very hard to convince myself that
our getting married was a big mistake.
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Oh?
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Yeah.
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For every good reason I could come up with that
I should marry you, I came up with about 10
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good reasons why I shouldn't.
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That's nice.
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There's only one good reason I couldn't knock down.
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I love you.
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I know that's a ridiculous reason to get married,
but I'm a little old-fashioned that way.
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Well, that's my story.
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If you want to go catch your
train, you're perfectly free to go.
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How did you hurt your ankle?
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Well, the Jeep broke down and I started
running here, and I tripped and sprained it.
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How did you get back here?
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I hopped.
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All the way?
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Two and a half hours.
184
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I believe this is yours.
185
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Next Sunday?
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Please.
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ROB (VOICEOVER): Next Sunday, I was in no shape
to get married, but I couldn't tell Laura.
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My ankle throbbed, and I had a
cold that would kill a rhinoceros.
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My head was so stuffed I couldn't
hear one word the chaplain was saying.
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Thou have this woman to be thy wife, to
love, and to cherish, in sickness-- I do.
191
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I don't.
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In sickness, and in health, until death do you part?
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I do.
194
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And do you Laura, take this man to love, and to cherish,
195
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in sickness, and in health, till death do you part?
196
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I do.
197
00:10:26,599 --> 00:10:29,669
I do.
198
00:10:29,769 --> 00:10:31,737
I don't.
199
00:10:31,837 --> 00:10:35,541
There be anyone present who knows why these two should not
200
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be joined in lawful wedlock, let him
speak now, or forever hold his peace.
201
00:10:42,315 --> 00:10:45,551
I do.
202
00:10:45,651 --> 00:10:51,223
Well so do I.
203
00:10:51,324 --> 00:10:54,794
ROB (VOICEOVER): Well, we finally did get
married, and one year and nine months later,
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we were lying in bed waiting impatiently for you know who.
205
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Honey, how do you feel?
206
00:11:02,635 --> 00:11:04,036
Fine.
207
00:11:04,136 --> 00:11:08,507
Honey, how can you read when you know
you might be a mother any minute?
208
00:11:08,607 --> 00:11:11,444
Honey, I'm not going to be a mother any minute.
209
00:11:11,544 --> 00:11:14,480
Look, I was with you when your
doctor said it could be any day now.
210
00:11:14,580 --> 00:11:17,516
He said any day, not any minute.
211
00:11:17,616 --> 00:11:20,019
Yeah, but Honey, that was three days ago.
212
00:11:22,321 --> 00:11:24,857
Don't you feel anything funny?
213
00:11:24,957 --> 00:11:26,559
I do feel something.
214
00:11:26,659 --> 00:11:27,460
Funny?
215
00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:28,761
No.
216
00:11:28,861 --> 00:11:33,699
I feel you're going to have a nervous
breakdown if you don't relax and go to sleep.
217
00:11:33,799 --> 00:11:34,600
Now relax.
218
00:11:34,700 --> 00:11:35,601
I'm relaxed!
219
00:11:35,701 --> 00:11:37,169
I'm relaxed!
220
00:11:37,269 --> 00:11:38,938
You don't look it.
221
00:11:39,038 --> 00:11:40,406
Believe me, Darling.
222
00:11:40,506 --> 00:11:42,742
The best thing you can do for me is to go to sleep.
223
00:11:42,842 --> 00:11:44,510
I'll call you if anything happens.
224
00:11:44,610 --> 00:11:45,711
All right, Honey.
225
00:11:45,811 --> 00:11:47,713
I'll try to get some sleep.
226
00:11:47,813 --> 00:11:48,948
You call me if anything happens.
227
00:11:49,048 --> 00:11:50,783
Who else would I call?
228
00:11:50,883 --> 00:11:54,120
I had a cousin call a cab.
229
00:11:54,220 --> 00:11:55,654
She didn't want to disturb her husband.
230
00:11:55,755 --> 00:11:57,123
I promise I'll disturb you.
231
00:11:57,223 --> 00:11:58,357
Now go to sleep.
232
00:11:58,457 --> 00:12:00,593
Honey, what are you reading?
233
00:12:00,693 --> 00:12:03,195
What to do before the doctor comes.
234
00:12:03,295 --> 00:12:04,663
What are you reading that for?
235
00:12:04,764 --> 00:12:07,066
You expect something to happen before the doctor comes?
236
00:12:07,166 --> 00:12:09,602
No Rob, I'm just reading to get sleepy.
237
00:12:09,702 --> 00:12:11,737
Honey, you never have any trouble getting to sleep.
238
00:12:11,837 --> 00:12:13,038
Why can't you go to sleep?
239
00:12:13,139 --> 00:12:17,643
Because I'm married to the
noisiest husband in New York State.
240
00:12:17,743 --> 00:12:18,878
Honey.
241
00:12:18,978 --> 00:12:21,180
All right Honey,
I'm just trying to-- I'll call a cab.
242
00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:22,748
All right, all right.
243
00:12:22,848 --> 00:12:25,217
You won't hear another word out of me unless you call me.
244
00:12:25,317 --> 00:12:26,552
All right? - All right.
245
00:12:33,526 --> 00:12:34,527
Oh dear.
246
00:12:34,627 --> 00:12:35,461
What's the matter?
247
00:12:35,561 --> 00:12:36,529
What?
248
00:12:36,629 --> 00:12:37,797
What's what?
249
00:12:37,897 --> 00:12:38,998
You said oh dear.
250
00:12:39,098 --> 00:12:40,433
I was just sighing.
251
00:12:40,533 --> 00:12:45,171
Well Honey, at a time like this,
don't sigh unless you really mean it.
252
00:12:45,271 --> 00:12:47,540
I'll try not to.
253
00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:48,507
All right.
254
00:12:48,607 --> 00:12:49,508
LAURA: Good night.
255
00:12:49,608 --> 00:12:51,143
Good night.
256
00:12:55,748 --> 00:12:56,582
[alarm clock]
257
00:12:56,682 --> 00:12:57,583
It's time!
258
00:13:02,087 --> 00:13:04,590
Oh, Rob.
259
00:13:04,690 --> 00:13:05,558
Honey!
260
00:13:05,658 --> 00:13:06,959
It's all right.
261
00:13:07,059 --> 00:13:10,362
LAURA: Rob, I am perfectly all-- I'll
get the car. I'll call the hospital.
262
00:13:10,463 --> 00:13:11,397
Rob, I am perfectly all right.
263
00:13:11,497 --> 00:13:13,132
I just dropped the alarm clock.
264
00:13:17,303 --> 00:13:18,838
You didn't feel anything funny?
265
00:13:18,938 --> 00:13:19,972
No.
266
00:13:20,072 --> 00:13:20,906
Look.
267
00:13:21,006 --> 00:13:23,042
In your suit again.
268
00:13:23,142 --> 00:13:25,044
Rob, take those clothes off and go to sleep.
269
00:13:25,144 --> 00:13:26,512
Just never mind about the suit.
270
00:13:30,716 --> 00:13:31,750
He says any day now.
271
00:13:31,851 --> 00:13:34,053
Any day now.
272
00:13:34,153 --> 00:13:36,255
Probably be a week before--
273
00:14:11,323 --> 00:14:15,094
ROB (VOICEOVER): The next morning, I went to
work looking like I'd slept in a box of prunes.
274
00:14:15,194 --> 00:14:17,329
We all decided I ought to have my suit pressed.
275
00:14:17,429 --> 00:14:19,498
Fast and friendly service, who's got the suit to go?
276
00:14:19,598 --> 00:14:20,266
Oh!
277
00:14:20,366 --> 00:14:21,233
Will you give that to him?
278
00:14:21,333 --> 00:14:23,302
Watch out!
279
00:14:23,402 --> 00:14:24,470
Watch out, the pastry.
280
00:14:24,570 --> 00:14:26,405
That got health laws in this state.
281
00:14:26,505 --> 00:14:29,642
My goodness, I never saw anything.
282
00:14:29,742 --> 00:14:32,578
Will you pass it over to the boy--
In case you want to get rid of it.
283
00:14:32,678 --> 00:14:33,913
Boy, would you get it right back?
284
00:14:34,013 --> 00:14:35,147
I need it badly. Quick.
285
00:14:35,247 --> 00:14:36,315
What did you do? Sleep in this thing?
286
00:14:36,415 --> 00:14:37,483
Yes, I did. Just go.
287
00:14:37,583 --> 00:14:39,018
Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
288
00:14:39,118 --> 00:14:40,019
You going to buy something?
289
00:14:40,119 --> 00:14:41,187
How about a Danish pastry?
290
00:14:41,287 --> 00:14:42,521
- How much? - Press the pants!
291
00:14:42,621 --> 00:14:43,956
I'm going. I'm going!
292
00:14:44,056 --> 00:14:44,890
Oh!
293
00:14:44,990 --> 00:14:46,625
That's hot.
294
00:14:46,725 --> 00:14:50,362
Now, are you all finished with
your own personal little doings?
295
00:14:50,462 --> 00:14:51,664
Yeah, he's here.
296
00:14:51,764 --> 00:14:53,299
Hey Rob, it's your wife. I think this is it.
297
00:14:53,399 --> 00:14:54,233
Oh, hand me the phone!
298
00:14:54,333 --> 00:14:55,267
Watch out!
299
00:14:55,367 --> 00:14:57,570
The Danish with the health laws!
300
00:14:57,670 --> 00:14:58,437
I'm sorry.
301
00:14:58,537 --> 00:14:59,772
I'll pay for it all.
302
00:14:59,872 --> 00:15:01,073
- You're going to pay it? - I'll pay for it.
303
00:15:01,173 --> 00:15:02,141
Walk on em. Look.
304
00:15:02,241 --> 00:15:04,043
Rob, here's the phone.
305
00:15:04,143 --> 00:15:05,644
Right in the eyes.
306
00:15:05,744 --> 00:15:08,581
You want a-- you want a piece of ice?
307
00:15:08,681 --> 00:15:09,381
No thank you.
308
00:15:09,481 --> 00:15:10,783
Hey, meat is good for that.
309
00:15:10,883 --> 00:15:13,285
I got beef bun over there.
310
00:15:13,385 --> 00:15:14,620
Hey Laura?
311
00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:15,955
LAURA: Rob, what happened? Are you all right?
312
00:15:16,055 --> 00:15:17,222
Nothing. I'm all right, Honey.
313
00:15:17,323 --> 00:15:18,357
I'm fine.
314
00:15:18,457 --> 00:15:19,525
I got hit in the head with a phone.
315
00:15:19,625 --> 00:15:21,026
How are you? - Well, I don't know.
316
00:15:21,126 --> 00:15:24,196
I just called the doctor and he said that I
have plenty of time, but I should start getting
317
00:15:24,296 --> 00:15:25,297
ready to go to the hospital.
318
00:15:25,397 --> 00:15:26,699
Oh, I love you.
319
00:15:26,799 --> 00:15:27,933
This is it gang!
320
00:15:28,033 --> 00:15:30,202
Hey Rob!
321
00:15:30,302 --> 00:15:31,136
Didn't you forget something?
322
00:15:31,236 --> 00:15:32,771
Oh, hang it up, will you?
323
00:15:32,871 --> 00:15:33,973
Rob!
324
00:15:34,073 --> 00:15:35,007
Your suit.
325
00:15:35,107 --> 00:15:36,475
I can't pick it up tomorrow.
326
00:15:36,575 --> 00:15:38,110
You can't run around New York with your pants off.
327
00:15:38,210 --> 00:15:39,078
Ah!
328
00:15:39,178 --> 00:15:40,412
Mel, give me your pants.
329
00:15:40,512 --> 00:15:42,247
I really need my pants today.
330
00:15:42,348 --> 00:15:44,116
I'm having lunch with a sponsor.
331
00:15:44,216 --> 00:15:45,317
Buddy.
332
00:15:45,417 --> 00:15:46,352
I would, but they'd never fit you.
333
00:15:46,452 --> 00:15:47,486
I don't care what I look like.
334
00:15:47,586 --> 00:15:48,254
I just don't want to be arrested.
335
00:15:48,354 --> 00:15:49,622
Come on, Buddy.
336
00:15:49,722 --> 00:15:53,492
ROB (VOICEOVER): Wearing Buddy's pants,
I rushed home and got there just in time
337
00:15:53,592 --> 00:15:57,096
to smash my car in the driveway.
338
00:15:57,196 --> 00:15:58,464
Rob!
339
00:15:58,564 --> 00:16:00,399
Honey, how do you feel?
340
00:16:00,499 --> 00:16:02,701
Honey, never-- wha-- what's the matter with you?
341
00:16:02,801 --> 00:16:03,402
Are you all right?
342
00:16:03,502 --> 00:16:04,403
What are those pants?
343
00:16:04,503 --> 00:16:05,904
Never mind my pants, Honey.
344
00:16:06,005 --> 00:16:07,706
Come on. Let's go.
345
00:16:07,806 --> 00:16:08,440
Well Rob!
346
00:16:08,540 --> 00:16:09,775
You can't go mister.
347
00:16:09,875 --> 00:16:11,577
Oh, mister, I want to drive my wife myself.
348
00:16:11,677 --> 00:16:15,381
You, and me, and the car in front of us all
locked bumpers when you knocked into me.
349
00:16:15,481 --> 00:16:16,715
Well can't we unlock them?
350
00:16:16,815 --> 00:16:18,083
You've got to have a lot of help for that.
351
00:16:18,183 --> 00:16:19,652
We're like welded together.
352
00:16:19,752 --> 00:16:21,520
Oh my God.
353
00:16:21,620 --> 00:16:22,855
I'll have to-- I know. Millie.
354
00:16:22,955 --> 00:16:24,456
Millie, call any of the neighbors and ask them.
355
00:16:24,556 --> 00:16:25,958
No, no. I'll do it.
356
00:16:26,058 --> 00:16:26,859
Can I use your phone?
357
00:16:26,959 --> 00:16:27,793
Why?
358
00:16:27,893 --> 00:16:28,894
No, I'll use ours.
359
00:16:28,994 --> 00:16:29,795
Where is it?
360
00:16:29,895 --> 00:16:31,864
It's over there.
361
00:16:31,964 --> 00:16:32,898
What's their number?
362
00:16:32,998 --> 00:16:33,832
Whose?
363
00:16:33,932 --> 00:16:34,767
Anybody's!
364
00:16:34,867 --> 00:16:36,101
Rob, calm down.
365
00:16:36,201 --> 00:16:37,236
We have plenty of time.
366
00:16:37,336 --> 00:16:38,437
Honey, I want you to sit down.
367
00:16:38,537 --> 00:16:39,371
Don't stand up.
368
00:16:39,471 --> 00:16:40,339
Oh, Rob.
369
00:16:40,439 --> 00:16:42,041
That's it.
370
00:16:42,141 --> 00:16:43,008
Hello, operator?
371
00:16:43,108 --> 00:16:43,909
Operator?
372
00:16:44,009 --> 00:16:45,344
My wife's having a baby.
373
00:16:45,444 --> 00:16:47,312
Wait a minute, give me the police!
374
00:16:47,413 --> 00:16:49,181
Rob, why don't you just call another taxi?
375
00:16:49,281 --> 00:16:50,649
Yeah, let me call my company.
376
00:16:50,749 --> 00:16:52,351
We'll have another cab here in five minutes.
377
00:16:52,451 --> 00:16:58,057
MILLIE: Yeah Rob, let's call-- There's not
going to be any company-- oh, don't hang up!
378
00:16:58,157 --> 00:17:00,759
Hello?
379
00:17:00,859 --> 00:17:03,162
Send a squad car here right away.
380
00:17:03,262 --> 00:17:04,363
Good.
381
00:17:04,463 --> 00:17:05,864
Our troubles are over, Honey. - Rob.
382
00:17:05,964 --> 00:17:07,599
A squad car's coming right down here any minute now.
383
00:17:07,700 --> 00:17:08,734
- Rob. - What's the matter?
384
00:17:08,834 --> 00:17:10,469
You didn't give them our address.
385
00:17:10,569 --> 00:17:12,504
I didn't-- oh my gosh.
386
00:17:12,604 --> 00:17:14,373
ROB (VOICEOVER): A week later, we brought home a baby.
387
00:17:14,473 --> 00:17:17,710
However, certain evidence convinced
me that the baby wasn't ours.
388
00:17:17,810 --> 00:17:19,445
So we decided to take his footprints.
389
00:17:19,545 --> 00:17:22,081
There's something very funny about this footprint.
390
00:17:22,181 --> 00:17:24,717
Let's compare them.
391
00:17:24,817 --> 00:17:26,352
I know what's funny about that footprint.
392
00:17:26,452 --> 00:17:29,455
It's got six toes.
393
00:17:29,555 --> 00:17:31,957
Rob, that's your thumb print!
394
00:17:35,194 --> 00:17:38,330
Well Jerry, what do you think?
395
00:17:38,430 --> 00:17:40,165
Rob.
396
00:17:40,265 --> 00:17:44,903
I would say that that footprint and
that footprint are from that baby.
397
00:17:45,003 --> 00:17:46,071
Are you sure?
398
00:17:49,141 --> 00:17:49,975
Jerry, are you positive?
399
00:17:50,075 --> 00:17:51,009
Yep.
400
00:17:51,110 --> 00:17:52,344
That's what I was afraid of.
401
00:17:52,444 --> 00:17:54,847
Read the top line.
402
00:17:54,947 --> 00:17:55,547
Sex, male.
403
00:17:55,647 --> 00:17:58,851
Name, Baby Boy Peters?
404
00:17:58,951 --> 00:18:00,686
I'm afraid that proves it, Jerry.
405
00:18:00,786 --> 00:18:03,922
Well that proves nothing Jerry,
you said those were both the same.
406
00:18:04,022 --> 00:18:05,791
Well what do I know about footprints?
407
00:18:05,891 --> 00:18:07,359
I'm a dentist.
408
00:18:07,459 --> 00:18:08,894
Wait, Rob, wait.
409
00:18:08,994 --> 00:18:11,029
Before you tell Laura, at least check with the hospital.
410
00:18:11,130 --> 00:18:14,299
All right Jerry, I'll check with them first.
411
00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:17,636
It's probably them checking with me.
412
00:18:17,736 --> 00:18:18,737
Hello.
413
00:18:18,837 --> 00:18:21,607
Yes, this is Robert Petrie.
414
00:18:21,707 --> 00:18:22,941
Who?
415
00:18:23,041 --> 00:18:23,642
It's Mr. Peters.
416
00:18:23,742 --> 00:18:24,910
What does he want?
417
00:18:25,010 --> 00:18:27,813
What do you think?
418
00:18:27,913 --> 00:18:29,047
Hello.
419
00:18:29,148 --> 00:18:30,816
Yes Mr. Peters.
420
00:18:30,916 --> 00:18:32,184
That's right.
421
00:18:32,284 --> 00:18:35,487
You have something of ours, and we have something of yours.
422
00:18:35,587 --> 00:18:38,090
Dried figs.
423
00:18:38,190 --> 00:18:40,058
She got Laura's aunt's figs.
424
00:18:40,159 --> 00:18:42,161
Mr. Peters.
425
00:18:42,261 --> 00:18:44,830
You don't-- you don't know then.
426
00:18:44,930 --> 00:18:46,365
I see.
427
00:18:46,465 --> 00:18:50,002
Well, Mr. Peters, this is going
to be a little hard to tell you.
428
00:18:50,102 --> 00:18:52,538
See, how can I put it?
429
00:18:52,638 --> 00:18:53,806
Look, Mr. Peters.
430
00:18:53,906 --> 00:18:58,343
You know there's a tremendous
similarity between room to 208 and 203.
431
00:18:58,443 --> 00:19:01,346
If you close up the open end of a three, you've got an eight.
432
00:19:01,447 --> 00:19:02,481
Right.
433
00:19:02,581 --> 00:19:07,319
Now there's also a great similarity
between Robert Petrie, yes.
434
00:19:07,419 --> 00:19:08,353
Yeah, that's right.
435
00:19:08,453 --> 00:19:09,888
I write for The Alan Brady Show.
436
00:19:09,988 --> 00:19:13,926
Well I'm glad you think our show is funny
Mr. Peters, but I'd like to get this thing settled.
437
00:19:14,026 --> 00:19:16,962
There is also a great similarity,
Mr. Peters, between our names.
438
00:19:17,062 --> 00:19:18,363
Peters and Petrie.
439
00:19:18,463 --> 00:19:21,400
Now our wives had a baby in the same day, in the same hospital,
440
00:19:21,500 --> 00:19:23,969
and the hospital was very busy, Mr. Peters.
441
00:19:24,069 --> 00:19:25,904
What am I getting at?
442
00:19:26,004 --> 00:19:28,607
Mr. Peters, let me ask you a personal question.
443
00:19:28,707 --> 00:19:31,210
Who does your baby look like?
444
00:19:31,310 --> 00:19:32,711
Uh-huh?
445
00:19:32,811 --> 00:19:35,480
Well ours doesn't look like neither one of us neither.
446
00:19:35,581 --> 00:19:38,283
I think I'm making myself very clear Mr. Peters.
447
00:19:38,383 --> 00:19:39,585
We have each other's babies.
448
00:19:39,685 --> 00:19:42,554
ROB (VOICEOVER): Mr. Peters agreed to
come over and straighten things out.
449
00:19:42,654 --> 00:19:45,591
Now all I had to do was find a good way
to tell Laura that she had the wrong baby.
450
00:19:45,691 --> 00:19:47,626
I love you very much.
451
00:19:51,430 --> 00:19:54,600
Honey, how much do you like that baby.
452
00:19:58,537 --> 00:20:01,573
Oh, Rob, don't tell me you're jealous already.
453
00:20:01,673 --> 00:20:05,310
Honey, I'm not-- Oh,
that Dr. Spock knows everything.
454
00:20:05,410 --> 00:20:06,712
That man is a genius.
455
00:20:06,812 --> 00:20:08,847
He doesn't know everything in the whole world.
456
00:20:08,947 --> 00:20:12,618
Laura, did you know the one out of every
50 million women has the wrong baby.
457
00:20:12,718 --> 00:20:14,186
Well that's a cute trick.
458
00:20:14,286 --> 00:20:16,188
How does she manage?
459
00:20:16,288 --> 00:20:18,790
Honey, she doesn't have it while she's having it.
460
00:20:18,891 --> 00:20:22,227
After she has it, she has it.
461
00:20:22,327 --> 00:20:26,765
Rob, are you trying to tell me that we have the wrong baby?
462
00:20:29,568 --> 00:20:30,969
You're crazy.
463
00:20:31,069 --> 00:20:32,504
Honey, keep calm.
464
00:20:32,604 --> 00:20:34,306
Honey, I'm perfectly calm.
465
00:20:34,406 --> 00:20:38,110
Our baby is probably just as cute as that one is.
466
00:20:38,210 --> 00:20:39,678
Oh, will you stop?
467
00:20:39,778 --> 00:20:41,513
Where did you ever get such a crazy idea?
468
00:20:41,613 --> 00:20:42,547
At the hospital!
469
00:20:42,648 --> 00:20:43,515
That's where we got it!
470
00:20:43,615 --> 00:20:45,684
We got the wrong flowers.
471
00:20:45,784 --> 00:20:49,388
You forgot about the blueberry tarts and
the rice pudding pretty fast, didn't you?
472
00:20:49,488 --> 00:20:50,989
Not to mention dried figs?
473
00:20:51,089 --> 00:20:55,460
Dried-- Rob, this is our baby, and that's all there is to it.
474
00:20:55,561 --> 00:20:58,830
Honey, he doesn't even look like us.
475
00:20:58,931 --> 00:20:59,564
Rob.
476
00:20:59,665 --> 00:21:00,832
You see?
477
00:21:00,933 --> 00:21:03,435
All I see is our baby with a blue foot.
478
00:21:03,535 --> 00:21:05,871
What is that, Rob?
479
00:21:05,971 --> 00:21:06,705
Ink.
480
00:21:06,805 --> 00:21:08,106
How did it get there?
481
00:21:08,206 --> 00:21:10,442
Jerry and I put it on.
482
00:21:10,542 --> 00:21:11,944
Why?
483
00:21:12,044 --> 00:21:15,080
Just running a series of tests.
484
00:21:15,180 --> 00:21:19,918
Rob, there are no series of tests in the world that
are going to convince me that is not our baby.
485
00:21:20,018 --> 00:21:20,786
Oh, Honey.
486
00:21:20,886 --> 00:21:21,753
I don't blame you.
487
00:21:21,853 --> 00:21:23,221
You can't face the facts.
488
00:21:23,322 --> 00:21:24,156
Poor kid.
489
00:21:24,256 --> 00:21:25,257
Oh, Rob.
490
00:21:25,357 --> 00:21:27,392
Well, Honey, that's probably the Peters now.
491
00:21:27,492 --> 00:21:28,527
Brace yourself.
492
00:21:28,627 --> 00:21:29,695
Rob, nobody is taking this baby.
493
00:21:29,795 --> 00:21:30,595
Do you hear me?
494
00:21:30,696 --> 00:21:32,130
Nobody!
495
00:21:32,230 --> 00:21:33,565
Laura, I think it'd be better if you went to your room.
496
00:21:33,665 --> 00:21:35,934
I can handle this.
497
00:21:36,034 --> 00:21:38,737
I am staying right here.
498
00:21:41,306 --> 00:21:45,043
MR. PETERS: Hi, we're Mr. And Mrs. Peters.
499
00:21:45,143 --> 00:21:46,111
Come in.
500
00:21:53,619 --> 00:21:59,925
I believe-- I believe we have your Aunt Bertha's
figs and you have taken Benny's flowers.
501
00:22:00,025 --> 00:22:03,228
Mrs. Peters, won't you come in?
502
00:22:10,569 --> 00:22:14,439
Come and sit down.
503
00:22:14,539 --> 00:22:15,607
Rob?
504
00:22:15,707 --> 00:22:16,775
What do you think? Is it a book?
505
00:22:16,875 --> 00:22:17,776
Oh Rob, it is.
506
00:22:17,876 --> 00:22:18,844
It really is. It is.
507
00:22:18,944 --> 00:22:20,212
I love it. - Do you really?
508
00:22:20,312 --> 00:22:21,646
Yeah, I only read the first chapters.
509
00:22:21,747 --> 00:22:22,581
The rest is good?
510
00:22:22,681 --> 00:22:23,548
Honey, better.
511
00:22:23,649 --> 00:22:24,549
I improve as I get along.
512
00:22:24,650 --> 00:22:26,218
I start to use punctuation.
513
00:22:26,318 --> 00:22:28,053
Everything.
514
00:22:28,153 --> 00:22:31,490
If you were a publisher, and you didn't know me,
didn't know I'd written it, would you publish it?
515
00:22:31,590 --> 00:22:32,758
- You mean Is it good? - Yeah.
516
00:22:32,858 --> 00:22:34,159
Yeah, Rob.
517
00:22:34,259 --> 00:22:35,093
It really is.
518
00:22:35,193 --> 00:22:36,428
Well boy, I'm glad to hear that.
519
00:22:36,528 --> 00:22:37,596
Because I sent it to a publisher.
520
00:22:37,696 --> 00:22:39,131
If he turns me down, you got a deal.
521
00:22:39,231 --> 00:22:40,098
Oh my.
522
00:22:40,198 --> 00:22:41,033
Yeah, Honey.
523
00:22:41,133 --> 00:22:45,470
I am-- I don't-- You OK?
524
00:22:45,570 --> 00:22:46,638
No, read.
525
00:22:46,738 --> 00:22:47,906
Go ahead and read.
526
00:22:53,011 --> 00:22:56,114
You mean he wouldn't even give you
a hint about what the surprise was?
527
00:22:56,214 --> 00:22:58,984
No, he just said I'm bringing Alan
Brady and the gang home to make a party.
528
00:22:59,084 --> 00:23:00,052
I'll bet it's about the book.
529
00:23:00,152 --> 00:23:01,186
I bet he found a publisher.
530
00:23:01,286 --> 00:23:02,487
Oh, do you think so?
531
00:23:02,587 --> 00:23:03,622
Hi Honey.
532
00:23:03,722 --> 00:23:05,757
Hey, hi!
533
00:23:05,857 --> 00:23:07,225
[interposing voices] - Hi, Jere.
534
00:23:07,325 --> 00:23:08,160
Laura, how are you?
535
00:23:08,260 --> 00:23:08,927
Jerry!
536
00:23:09,027 --> 00:23:10,195
[interposing voices]
537
00:23:10,295 --> 00:23:11,697
We're not nearly ready for dinner, Rob.
538
00:23:11,797 --> 00:23:13,298
Are you ready for a little bit of good news?
539
00:23:13,398 --> 00:23:14,466
Yeah, I think so.
540
00:23:14,566 --> 00:23:16,234
I heard from the publisher today.
541
00:23:16,334 --> 00:23:17,169
Yeah?
542
00:23:17,269 --> 00:23:18,837
He hates it, boy.
543
00:23:18,937 --> 00:23:21,339
He said it reminded him of about 50 other books.
544
00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:22,908
- He's kidding? - No, no.
545
00:23:23,008 --> 00:23:23,809
That's what they said.
546
00:23:23,909 --> 00:23:24,776
That's right.
547
00:23:24,876 --> 00:23:25,911
One editor said it stunk.
548
00:23:26,011 --> 00:23:27,145
Well, why is everyone so happy?
549
00:23:27,245 --> 00:23:29,314
Because Alan read it, and he loved it.
550
00:23:29,414 --> 00:23:30,849
What do I know from style?
551
00:23:30,949 --> 00:23:33,919
Honey, Alan wants to produce it as a television series.
552
00:23:34,019 --> 00:23:36,488
Your book's going to be a television series?
553
00:23:36,588 --> 00:23:37,823
It's true.
554
00:23:37,923 --> 00:23:40,959
Of course, I won't do it until after my
series is defunct, which may never be.
555
00:23:41,059 --> 00:23:43,161
Alan is going to play me.
556
00:23:43,261 --> 00:23:46,865
Yeah, the three of us are going to write it,
and Leonard Bershad is going to produce it.
557
00:23:46,965 --> 00:23:50,736
[interposing voices]
558
00:23:50,836 --> 00:23:51,970
Wait.
559
00:23:52,070 --> 00:23:53,205
Hold it, hold it a second.
560
00:23:53,305 --> 00:23:54,706
Honey, what do you think? - Oh, gosh.
561
00:23:54,806 --> 00:23:55,740
I don't know what to say.
562
00:23:55,841 --> 00:23:56,975
Alan's really going to play you?
563
00:23:57,075 --> 00:23:58,477
And Rob won't have to shave his head.
564
00:23:58,577 --> 00:24:00,245
I'll wear a toupee.
565
00:24:00,345 --> 00:24:01,213
Isn't that terrific?
566
00:24:01,313 --> 00:24:01,913
Yeah!
567
00:24:02,013 --> 00:24:03,048
Who's going to play me?
568
00:24:03,148 --> 00:24:03,815
Oh.
569
00:24:03,915 --> 00:24:05,183
Great comedian. - Who?
570
00:24:05,283 --> 00:24:06,284
Who?
571
00:24:06,384 --> 00:24:08,153
Martha Diller.
572
00:24:08,253 --> 00:24:10,188
Martha Diller?
573
00:24:10,288 --> 00:24:12,190
With the-- It was my idea.
574
00:24:12,290 --> 00:24:13,558
LAURA: Really?
575
00:24:13,658 --> 00:24:14,693
Is that definite, Rob?
576
00:24:14,793 --> 00:24:15,861
Yes. Yes.
577
00:24:15,961 --> 00:24:17,062
Hey, who's going to play me?
578
00:24:17,162 --> 00:24:18,463
Your part will be cartoon.
579
00:24:21,299 --> 00:24:21,967
Oh my gosh.
580
00:24:22,067 --> 00:24:22,968
SALLY: What's the matter?
581
00:24:23,068 --> 00:24:24,536
Well, I was just thinking.
582
00:24:24,636 --> 00:24:29,441
Laura's so pretty, and if Martha Diller is
going to play her, who's going to play me?
583
00:24:29,541 --> 00:24:31,476
Oh, come on.
584
00:24:31,576 --> 00:24:35,147
[interposing voices]
585
00:24:39,518 --> 00:24:45,891
[theme music]
40627
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