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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,709 --> 00:00:02,577 [theme music] 2 00:00:02,677 --> 00:00:05,580 ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show," 3 00:00:05,680 --> 00:00:17,758 starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore. 5 00:00:21,629 --> 00:00:25,466 Oh, Jerry, this is a bad day for me to have a wisdom tooth out. 7 00:00:25,566 --> 00:00:28,436 I got a whole big western sketch to write down at the office. 8 00:00:28,536 --> 00:00:29,937 Rob, will you relax? 9 00:00:30,037 --> 00:00:31,505 This is a simple extraction. 10 00:00:31,606 --> 00:00:33,007 Look, you've been putting this off for a couple of months. 11 00:00:33,107 --> 00:00:36,444 Now, it'll be over with, you'll be back at the office writing the sketch this afternoon. 13 00:00:36,544 --> 00:00:40,314 I got a Western sketch, uh, with a sheriff, cowboys and everything. 15 00:00:40,414 --> 00:00:41,315 Just relax. 16 00:00:41,415 --> 00:00:42,583 The pill has to take effect. 17 00:00:42,683 --> 00:00:43,951 It'll be all right. - It'll win an Emmy. 18 00:00:44,051 --> 00:00:45,152 Take it easy. 19 00:00:45,253 --> 00:00:48,456 Yeah, I'll be a sheriff in a Western. 20 00:00:48,556 --> 00:00:51,325 [clicking tongue] 21 00:00:52,126 --> 00:00:56,297 [music playing] 22 00:01:49,583 --> 00:01:50,951 Oh howdy, sheriff. 23 00:01:51,052 --> 00:01:52,953 Howdy, Buddy. 24 00:01:53,054 --> 00:01:54,555 Town peaceful while I was away? 25 00:01:54,655 --> 00:01:56,724 Yeah, didn't have a bit of trouble. 26 00:01:56,824 --> 00:01:58,359 Did you hear from my wife and boy? 27 00:01:58,459 --> 00:02:01,262 Yeah, they said they wanted to hear from you as soon as you got in. 29 00:02:01,362 --> 00:02:02,797 Better call 'em. 30 00:02:02,897 --> 00:02:03,798 Laura! 31 00:02:06,300 --> 00:02:07,368 I'm back! 32 00:02:07,468 --> 00:02:09,370 MILLIE: She's not home, Rob! 33 00:02:09,470 --> 00:02:10,871 This is Millie. 34 00:02:10,971 --> 00:02:12,506 Can I take a message? 35 00:02:12,606 --> 00:02:14,975 No, I'll call back! 36 00:02:15,076 --> 00:02:15,943 Bye! 37 00:02:16,043 --> 00:02:16,977 MILLIE: Bye! 38 00:02:19,647 --> 00:02:22,249 Gotta move closer to the office. 39 00:02:22,349 --> 00:02:23,217 Coffee hot? 40 00:02:23,317 --> 00:02:24,452 Yeah, it should be. 41 00:02:24,552 --> 00:02:25,619 It's been cooking since last Tuesday. 42 00:02:31,192 --> 00:02:33,227 Howdy, sheriff, and welcome home. 43 00:02:33,327 --> 00:02:34,428 Howdy, Ms. Sally. 44 00:02:34,528 --> 00:02:36,697 And here's your favorite fried chicken. 45 00:02:36,797 --> 00:02:39,300 Oh boy, and hominy grits. 46 00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:40,968 Oh, I don't know, about 40 or 50. 47 00:02:45,606 --> 00:02:47,308 Well, how are things at the saloon, Ms. Sal? 48 00:02:47,408 --> 00:02:48,509 Well, OK now. 49 00:02:48,609 --> 00:02:51,512 But last night, a couple of cowpokes really broke up the joint. 51 00:02:51,612 --> 00:02:53,247 I thought you said you didn't have any trouble. 52 00:02:53,347 --> 00:02:56,817 I didn't have no trouble, she did. 53 00:02:56,917 --> 00:03:01,021 Hey, tell me, sheriff, catch any of these fellows on this trip? 55 00:03:01,122 --> 00:03:02,156 Nope. 56 00:03:02,256 --> 00:03:05,726 Well, when you do, don't forget, I get that one and that one and that one. 58 00:03:05,826 --> 00:03:07,394 Boy, you sure ain't choosy. 59 00:03:07,495 --> 00:03:09,130 Oh, yes, I am. 60 00:03:09,230 --> 00:03:14,101 This one, that's the only one I want no part of, Big Bad Brady. 61 00:03:14,201 --> 00:03:15,569 [clattering] 62 00:03:15,669 --> 00:03:18,672 How come every time somebody mentions Big Bad Brady you drop a tray? 64 00:03:18,773 --> 00:03:20,641 I once ruled with Brady. 65 00:03:20,741 --> 00:03:21,442 When? 66 00:03:21,542 --> 00:03:22,910 When I was a gunslinger. 67 00:03:23,010 --> 00:03:24,078 You were a gunslinger? 68 00:03:24,178 --> 00:03:25,279 Yep. 69 00:03:25,379 --> 00:03:27,181 You were a gunslinger turned sheriff? 70 00:03:27,281 --> 00:03:29,583 No, my last job was parson. 71 00:03:31,886 --> 00:03:33,788 You were a gunslinger turned parson? 72 00:03:33,888 --> 00:03:37,558 No, when I quit being a gunslinger, I became a singer. 73 00:03:37,658 --> 00:03:39,160 A slinger turned singer. 74 00:03:39,260 --> 00:03:42,596 I hated all that violence, so I became a singer in a saloon. 75 00:03:42,696 --> 00:03:44,165 A singing parson. 76 00:03:44,265 --> 00:03:46,734 No, parson came later. 77 00:03:46,834 --> 00:03:52,373 Folks didn't like my singing, so I became a dancer, then a rancher. 79 00:03:52,473 --> 00:03:57,311 A slinger singer turned rancher dancer. 80 00:03:57,411 --> 00:03:58,445 Then you became a sheriff. 81 00:03:58,546 --> 00:03:59,580 - Don't forget the parson. - Yeah. 82 00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:01,148 No, it's easy, look. 83 00:04:01,248 --> 00:04:04,718 I was a slinger turned singer turned dancer turned rancher turned parson turned sheriff. 85 00:04:04,819 --> 00:04:05,753 Oh. 86 00:04:09,156 --> 00:04:11,992 When you became sheriff, you swore you'd get Brady, right? 87 00:04:12,092 --> 00:04:14,228 No, I swore to get Brady when I was a dancer. 88 00:04:16,797 --> 00:04:18,499 But then what can a dancer do to anybody? 89 00:04:18,599 --> 00:04:20,501 Yes, why'd you swear to get him? 90 00:04:20,601 --> 00:04:24,104 Because I wanted to rid the worst of everything that's mean and corrupt and ugly. 92 00:04:24,205 --> 00:04:28,509 Then you better save one of them bullets for my wife. 93 00:04:28,609 --> 00:04:30,778 Grab some sky. 94 00:04:30,878 --> 00:04:32,446 I wouldn't do that, sheriff. 95 00:04:32,546 --> 00:04:33,447 I can't. 96 00:04:33,547 --> 00:04:36,584 I couldn't find the key. 97 00:04:36,684 --> 00:04:38,285 Who are you and what do you want? 98 00:04:38,385 --> 00:04:39,453 That's Killer Cooley. 99 00:04:39,553 --> 00:04:42,256 How could you tell with my hat on? 100 00:04:42,356 --> 00:04:45,593 You forgot to cover the Ponderosa. 101 00:04:45,693 --> 00:04:47,027 So you're a Killer Cooley, eh? 102 00:04:47,127 --> 00:04:47,962 Right. 103 00:04:48,062 --> 00:04:49,930 Bad Brady's weak brother-in-law. 104 00:04:50,030 --> 00:04:50,965 Yeah, darn it. 105 00:04:51,065 --> 00:04:53,133 And I got a message for you from Bad. 106 00:04:53,234 --> 00:04:55,836 That ain't good. 107 00:04:55,936 --> 00:04:58,305 He wants me to tell you two things. 108 00:04:58,405 --> 00:04:59,673 First, he's coming to town. 109 00:04:59,773 --> 00:05:00,774 Over my dead body. 110 00:05:00,875 --> 00:05:03,177 That's the second thing. 111 00:05:03,277 --> 00:05:04,311 That don't scare me none. 112 00:05:04,411 --> 00:05:05,980 I can still handle these irons. 113 00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:07,915 Oh, boy. 114 00:05:08,015 --> 00:05:09,783 Sheriff, you keep forgetting, you ain't got no guns. 115 00:05:09,884 --> 00:05:11,619 A sheriff without guns? 116 00:05:11,719 --> 00:05:14,021 When I quit being a gunslinger, I hung up my guns. 117 00:05:14,121 --> 00:05:14,855 I ain't wore 'em since. 118 00:05:14,955 --> 00:05:16,457 You gave up gun fighting? 119 00:05:16,557 --> 00:05:17,992 No, I forgot where I hung 'em. 120 00:05:18,092 --> 00:05:19,526 I just looked everywhere, the basement, Ritchie's room. 121 00:05:19,627 --> 00:05:20,928 I don't know where they are. 122 00:05:21,028 --> 00:05:23,063 Well, you better find 'em, and by tomorrow noon. 123 00:05:23,163 --> 00:05:24,465 Why, by high noon? 124 00:05:24,565 --> 00:05:27,735 Because that's when Bad Brady is coming to town for the show. 125 00:05:27,835 --> 00:05:29,503 You mean the showdown, stupid. 126 00:05:29,603 --> 00:05:30,871 I mean, the show, Shorty. 127 00:05:30,971 --> 00:05:32,840 He wants to see a stage show. 128 00:05:32,940 --> 00:05:34,608 Oh, hey, I play the cello. 129 00:05:34,708 --> 00:05:37,878 Well, you better play it good, because he you don't like anybody in the show he's gonna kill 'em. 131 00:05:37,978 --> 00:05:40,814 Nobody's gonna want to be in the show if they know they're gonna get killed. 133 00:05:40,915 --> 00:05:43,951 That's the sheriff's problem. 134 00:05:44,051 --> 00:05:47,721 And if he don't get a good show together, there's only one person gonna get killed, 136 00:05:47,821 --> 00:05:51,158 and that's the sheriff. 137 00:05:51,258 --> 00:05:52,693 Are you scared, sheriff? 138 00:05:52,793 --> 00:05:58,332 Ms. Sally, I don't know the meaning of the word scared-- terrified, panic stricken, I know all those. 140 00:06:06,607 --> 00:06:07,441 Howdy, Laura. 141 00:06:07,541 --> 00:06:08,642 Howdy. 142 00:06:11,178 --> 00:06:12,079 Oh! 143 00:06:15,316 --> 00:06:16,116 How was your trip? 144 00:06:16,216 --> 00:06:18,452 Fine, fine. 145 00:06:18,552 --> 00:06:20,187 How's the boy? 146 00:06:20,287 --> 00:06:21,555 Good, good. 147 00:06:21,655 --> 00:06:23,891 Fine, fine. 148 00:06:23,991 --> 00:06:25,726 Rob, you seem a mite fidgety. 149 00:06:25,826 --> 00:06:27,227 Is something bothering you? 150 00:06:27,328 --> 00:06:29,196 No, no, nothing wrong. 151 00:06:29,296 --> 00:06:30,531 Good. 152 00:06:30,631 --> 00:06:32,032 Making a pretty new dress? 153 00:06:32,132 --> 00:06:33,600 You like it? 154 00:06:33,701 --> 00:06:36,804 (SHAKILY) It's beautiful. 155 00:06:36,904 --> 00:06:39,239 Rob, there is something wrong. 156 00:06:39,340 --> 00:06:41,675 No, no, nothing's wrong. 157 00:06:41,775 --> 00:06:43,010 Well, good. 158 00:06:43,110 --> 00:06:45,612 I'm making this for the big social Sunday night. 159 00:06:45,713 --> 00:06:48,916 (SHAKILY) There ain't gonna be no social. 160 00:06:49,016 --> 00:06:52,753 Rob, are you trying to hide something from me? 161 00:06:52,853 --> 00:06:55,055 I've held it in as long as I can, Laura. 162 00:06:55,155 --> 00:06:56,090 What? 163 00:06:56,190 --> 00:06:59,326 (SHAKILY) Bad Brady's coming to town. 164 00:06:59,426 --> 00:07:01,228 Oh, no, Rob! 165 00:07:01,328 --> 00:07:03,630 Bad Brady's coming to town! 166 00:07:03,731 --> 00:07:05,132 - Now, now, woman. - Oh, Rob. 167 00:07:05,232 --> 00:07:06,066 [sobbing] 168 00:07:06,166 --> 00:07:07,868 No sense in the both of us crying. 169 00:07:07,968 --> 00:07:10,371 You're absolutely right, Rob, there's no sense in it at all. 170 00:07:10,471 --> 00:07:12,039 BOTH: [sobbing] 171 00:07:13,140 --> 00:07:15,709 Well, what's he coming to town for anyway? 172 00:07:15,809 --> 00:07:17,244 What do you think? 173 00:07:17,344 --> 00:07:18,479 You? 174 00:07:18,579 --> 00:07:20,080 What else would he want in this town? 175 00:07:20,180 --> 00:07:24,551 Well, he always did like me a little. 176 00:07:24,651 --> 00:07:26,053 No, honey, he wants me. 177 00:07:26,153 --> 00:07:27,888 I'm the one who deserted his gang. 178 00:07:27,988 --> 00:07:30,991 Well, don't you worry, Rob, we've run before and we can certainly run again. 180 00:07:31,091 --> 00:07:33,894 Well, I'm tired of running. 181 00:07:33,994 --> 00:07:37,264 You're not thinking of facing him, are you? 182 00:07:37,364 --> 00:07:38,699 May not have to. 183 00:07:38,799 --> 00:07:45,406 He wants to see a show, and if it's good, he'll just see the show and rob the bank and leave town. 185 00:07:45,506 --> 00:07:47,307 And if it isn't good? 186 00:07:47,408 --> 00:07:49,176 He'll kill everybody in it. 187 00:07:49,276 --> 00:07:51,478 Who's gonna want to be in a show like that? 188 00:07:51,578 --> 00:07:54,848 Well, if there ain't no show, he's just gonna kill me. 189 00:07:54,948 --> 00:07:59,820 Well, that seems fair-- I mean, from his point of view. 191 00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:04,625 I'm going over to Sally's saloon and get some volunteers before they find out it's a suicide show. 194 00:08:04,725 --> 00:08:05,893 But Rob, you've been away for two weeks. 195 00:08:05,993 --> 00:08:08,729 Don't you want to see the boy? 196 00:08:08,829 --> 00:08:11,999 Can he sing or dance? 197 00:08:12,099 --> 00:08:12,766 No. 198 00:08:12,866 --> 00:08:13,967 He can wait. 199 00:08:16,770 --> 00:08:20,340 [laughing and yelling] 200 00:08:28,715 --> 00:08:31,051 Well, I reckon you heard about the show. 201 00:08:33,454 --> 00:08:34,354 Hi, Buck. 202 00:08:36,623 --> 00:08:37,524 Howdy, Frank. 203 00:08:40,227 --> 00:08:42,229 Howdy, Jesse. 204 00:08:42,329 --> 00:08:43,230 Howdy, James. 205 00:08:45,799 --> 00:08:46,900 Howdy, Doody. 206 00:08:49,937 --> 00:08:51,405 Howdy, Buddy. 207 00:08:51,505 --> 00:08:52,406 Howdy, stranger. 208 00:08:55,042 --> 00:08:59,580 Folks, I'd like to talk to you about the great show we're gonna put on. 210 00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:02,282 I know you'd all like to be in it, but I'm afraid we're going to have 212 00:09:02,382 --> 00:09:04,785 to cast this thing on a first come, first served basis. 213 00:09:07,087 --> 00:09:08,622 Well, I know you're disappointed. 214 00:09:08,722 --> 00:09:11,992 And we'll try to put as many of you in as we possibly can. 215 00:09:12,092 --> 00:09:15,696 So to keep this thing orderly, I think it'd be better if all the man lined up 217 00:09:15,796 --> 00:09:18,565 on this side of the room and all the ladies lined up over there. 218 00:09:21,769 --> 00:09:25,038 Actually, I have a better idea. 219 00:09:25,139 --> 00:09:30,944 You just stay and relax where you are and Ms. Sal and I will go from table to table. 221 00:09:31,044 --> 00:09:32,746 You'd rather line up, huh? 222 00:09:32,846 --> 00:09:33,947 All right, that's all right with me. 223 00:09:34,047 --> 00:09:35,382 All the men over here. 224 00:09:35,482 --> 00:09:36,984 Wait a minute, folks. 225 00:09:37,084 --> 00:09:40,721 Here-- All right, you want to line up outside, that's fine. 226 00:09:40,821 --> 00:09:43,757 OK, folks, all the men over there. 227 00:09:43,857 --> 00:09:45,159 Oh, that's a good idea. 228 00:09:45,259 --> 00:09:47,561 I'll come to your homes and talk to you about it. 229 00:09:47,661 --> 00:09:48,829 [gunshot] 230 00:09:48,929 --> 00:09:49,930 Well, I guess that leaves the three of us. 231 00:09:50,030 --> 00:09:51,131 Nope, just two. 232 00:09:51,231 --> 00:09:53,367 I got a cello concert in Dodge City. 233 00:09:53,467 --> 00:09:57,971 Well, Ms. Sal, I reckon I can count on you to sing a song for us. 235 00:09:58,071 --> 00:10:00,874 What, without a cello? 236 00:10:00,974 --> 00:10:03,710 A man desperately needs help and nobody'll help him. 237 00:10:03,810 --> 00:10:05,712 What kind of a town is this? 238 00:10:05,813 --> 00:10:08,849 Your average American town. 239 00:10:08,949 --> 00:10:12,486 I'm at the time in a man's life when he's got to make a, choice whether he's gonna fight 241 00:10:12,586 --> 00:10:13,921 or whether he's gonna run. 242 00:10:16,490 --> 00:10:18,725 I think he's going home to strap on his guns. 243 00:10:18,826 --> 00:10:20,194 Or lace up his sneakers. 244 00:10:25,765 --> 00:10:27,533 I ain't leaving. 245 00:10:27,633 --> 00:10:28,467 I ain't running no more. 246 00:10:28,568 --> 00:10:29,435 We ain't leaving town. 247 00:10:29,535 --> 00:10:30,703 I'm gonna face him. 248 00:10:30,803 --> 00:10:32,371 Rob, I do wish you'd stop saying that. 249 00:10:32,471 --> 00:10:33,506 Well, I ain't leaving. 250 00:10:33,606 --> 00:10:35,741 "Ain't" is what I wish you'd stop saying, Rob. 251 00:10:35,841 --> 00:10:37,310 The boy's beginning to pick it up. 252 00:10:37,410 --> 00:10:38,511 It sounds bad. 253 00:10:38,611 --> 00:10:40,079 Well, I aren't leaving town. 254 00:10:43,749 --> 00:10:45,451 You see that man? 255 00:10:45,551 --> 00:10:48,154 I wish I knew who that was. 256 00:10:48,254 --> 00:10:50,189 But if he was my pa, he wouldn't want me running. 257 00:10:50,289 --> 00:10:53,559 Oh, but Rob, I just don't want to be married to a dead hero. 258 00:10:53,659 --> 00:10:55,761 Would you rather be married to a live coward? 259 00:10:55,861 --> 00:10:57,897 I've loved every minute of it. 260 00:11:00,666 --> 00:11:03,202 In exactly one hour, Bad Brady's coming to town. 261 00:11:03,302 --> 00:11:06,038 And we'll be gone just as soon as I finish this dress. 262 00:11:06,138 --> 00:11:07,874 What are you fooling with that dress for anyway? 263 00:11:07,974 --> 00:11:09,508 It's my new traveling dress. 264 00:11:09,609 --> 00:11:10,610 Well, wear the one you got on. 265 00:11:10,710 --> 00:11:11,911 I can't, Rob. 266 00:11:12,011 --> 00:11:14,146 I wore this one the last time we ran away. 267 00:11:14,247 --> 00:11:15,548 I can't wear it again. 268 00:11:15,648 --> 00:11:17,550 Now, let me just check this length on you. 269 00:11:17,650 --> 00:11:23,022 I just don't know what to do, whether to stay or run or run or stay. 271 00:11:23,122 --> 00:11:24,390 The hem is uneven. 272 00:11:24,490 --> 00:11:25,424 I gotta go get the pins. 273 00:11:28,628 --> 00:11:32,198 Mommy, mommy, the kids are all hitting me and saying daddy is a sissy! 275 00:11:36,469 --> 00:11:39,438 Mommy, daddy isn't a sissy, is he? 276 00:11:39,538 --> 00:11:42,842 Of course, not son. 277 00:11:42,942 --> 00:11:44,677 Daddy, you're wearing a dress. 278 00:11:44,777 --> 00:11:47,847 It ain't what a man wears, boy, it's what's in his heart. 279 00:11:47,947 --> 00:11:50,950 Is that a sissy in your heart, daddy? 280 00:11:51,050 --> 00:11:52,652 Boy, who told you I was a sissy in my heart? 281 00:11:52,752 --> 00:11:55,388 All the kids said you were afraid of Big Bad Brady. 282 00:11:57,990 --> 00:11:59,492 Do you believe 'em, boy? 283 00:11:59,592 --> 00:12:01,794 You look good in that dress, daddy. 284 00:12:01,894 --> 00:12:04,263 All right, son, stop bothering your pa. 285 00:12:04,363 --> 00:12:06,565 Go pack your bags, we're leaving town. 286 00:12:06,666 --> 00:12:07,833 He is a sissy! 287 00:12:07,933 --> 00:12:09,568 We're running! 288 00:12:09,669 --> 00:12:11,837 We are not running! 289 00:12:11,938 --> 00:12:13,105 Rob, where are you going? 290 00:12:13,205 --> 00:12:15,541 I'm gonna go and find my guns. 291 00:12:15,641 --> 00:12:17,276 - Oh. - Hi, Laura. 292 00:12:17,376 --> 00:12:18,411 Hi, Rob. 293 00:12:18,511 --> 00:12:21,180 Oh say, that's a pretty dress you're wearing. 294 00:12:24,517 --> 00:12:26,686 Why is he wearing a pretty dress? 295 00:12:26,786 --> 00:12:28,054 Oh, Millie. 296 00:12:28,154 --> 00:12:30,656 Wear this yourself. 297 00:12:30,756 --> 00:12:32,091 Laura, what's going on? 298 00:12:32,191 --> 00:12:36,462 Millie, he's out there right now looking for his guns because nobody in this rotten town 300 00:12:36,562 --> 00:12:40,766 has guts enough to get up on a stage and face Bad Brady. 301 00:12:40,866 --> 00:12:42,335 That's it. 302 00:12:42,435 --> 00:12:44,937 Right, Rob should get on the stage and ride out of town. 303 00:12:45,037 --> 00:12:46,105 No, I'm gonna get up on the stage. 304 00:12:46,205 --> 00:12:47,340 Millie, where's my old costume? 305 00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:48,441 You're dancing and singing costumes? 306 00:12:48,541 --> 00:12:49,475 Yeah. 307 00:12:49,575 --> 00:12:52,478 Millie, I'm gonna get up on that stage and sing and dance my heart out for my man. 309 00:12:54,947 --> 00:12:55,881 Oh, howdy, sheriff. 310 00:12:55,981 --> 00:12:57,116 I was just packing your things. 311 00:12:57,216 --> 00:12:58,150 I ain't leaving. 312 00:12:58,250 --> 00:12:59,218 Hey, can I have your things? 313 00:12:59,318 --> 00:13:00,720 I ain't dying either. 314 00:13:00,820 --> 00:13:02,021 You're gonna face Brady? 315 00:13:02,121 --> 00:13:03,422 Help me find my guns, will you? 316 00:13:03,522 --> 00:13:04,890 What are you gonna do if you can't find the guns? 317 00:13:04,990 --> 00:13:06,258 I'll face him with my face. 318 00:13:06,359 --> 00:13:08,728 That ain't too good against bullets. 319 00:13:08,828 --> 00:13:09,829 Yeah. 320 00:13:09,929 --> 00:13:11,764 Howdy, gents. 321 00:13:11,864 --> 00:13:12,698 Who are you? 322 00:13:12,798 --> 00:13:15,167 I sell guns. 323 00:13:15,267 --> 00:13:16,402 Yeah, what do you got? 324 00:13:16,502 --> 00:13:18,604 I got the best line in the territory. 325 00:13:18,704 --> 00:13:23,142 Gosh, I hate to buy a gun for just one afternoon. 326 00:13:23,242 --> 00:13:24,744 But these will last you a lifetime. 327 00:13:24,844 --> 00:13:27,747 For him, that's one afternoon. 328 00:13:27,847 --> 00:13:29,849 Yeah, just heft these babies. 329 00:13:29,949 --> 00:13:30,816 They're beauties now. 330 00:13:30,916 --> 00:13:31,951 Uh-huh. 331 00:13:32,051 --> 00:13:33,252 Give 'em a little try out there. 332 00:13:33,352 --> 00:13:34,920 I see. 333 00:13:35,020 --> 00:13:36,789 Well, those are nice. 334 00:13:36,889 --> 00:13:38,124 Do you have anything in black? 335 00:13:38,224 --> 00:13:39,692 Most of my wardrobe is black. 336 00:13:42,395 --> 00:13:43,996 No, haven't got any black. 337 00:13:44,096 --> 00:13:45,965 Hey, how about a set of pearls? 338 00:13:46,065 --> 00:13:47,299 Pearls would be perfect. 339 00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:49,402 What else goes better with basic black? 340 00:13:52,204 --> 00:13:53,439 Too fussy. 341 00:13:56,442 --> 00:13:59,979 Well, here's a modest little gun you might find amusing. 342 00:14:00,079 --> 00:14:02,815 Hey, try that out. 343 00:14:02,915 --> 00:14:05,351 What do you-- Oh, it's nice, but it's not you. 345 00:14:05,451 --> 00:14:09,455 Yeah, you know what I think is wrong, it's the barrel is too short. 347 00:14:09,555 --> 00:14:11,390 See, I have a long thigh-line. 348 00:14:17,263 --> 00:14:18,264 Try this baby out. 349 00:14:18,364 --> 00:14:19,698 Oh, that's pretty. 350 00:14:19,799 --> 00:14:20,833 A beauty. 351 00:14:20,933 --> 00:14:22,368 Looks a little expensive, though. 352 00:14:22,468 --> 00:14:24,637 I can give you a deal on that, though, it's second hand. 353 00:14:24,737 --> 00:14:25,938 Oh, really? 354 00:14:26,038 --> 00:14:30,810 Used only once to kill a little old lady in Pasadena. 355 00:14:30,910 --> 00:14:32,778 No thank you. 356 00:14:32,878 --> 00:14:34,113 Give me that back. 357 00:14:34,213 --> 00:14:35,648 You're not gonna buy, you're just gonna look. 358 00:14:35,748 --> 00:14:37,716 I haven't time for all this shilly-shally. 359 00:14:37,817 --> 00:14:39,084 I'm a busy man. 360 00:14:39,185 --> 00:14:42,555 I have to get on to Arizona by July, you know. 361 00:14:42,655 --> 00:14:44,857 Look at that clock, it's 5 to 12:00. 362 00:14:44,957 --> 00:14:46,058 I gotta get to that saloon. 363 00:14:46,158 --> 00:14:47,393 Go ahead, sheriff. 364 00:14:47,493 --> 00:14:48,527 When I find your guns, I'll bring them over. 365 00:14:48,627 --> 00:14:49,562 Good thinking. 366 00:14:49,662 --> 00:14:50,796 Good, if I'm late, start without me. 367 00:14:54,032 --> 00:14:54,866 Will you hold it? 368 00:14:54,966 --> 00:14:55,834 Now wait a minute. 369 00:14:55,934 --> 00:14:57,135 The odds are 20 to 1. 370 00:14:57,235 --> 00:14:58,069 Now who wants some action? 371 00:14:58,169 --> 00:14:58,970 I want in. 372 00:14:59,070 --> 00:15:00,205 [yelling] 373 00:15:00,305 --> 00:15:01,706 20 over here. [interposing voices] 374 00:15:01,806 --> 00:15:02,674 And another. 375 00:15:02,774 --> 00:15:03,608 OK, I got you. 376 00:15:03,708 --> 00:15:04,576 Hold it! 377 00:15:04,676 --> 00:15:05,510 [whistles] 378 00:15:05,610 --> 00:15:06,511 MAN: Right here. 379 00:15:06,611 --> 00:15:09,447 You folks know gambling's illegal. 380 00:15:09,547 --> 00:15:12,917 Come on, sheriff, let the folks have their fun. 381 00:15:13,017 --> 00:15:14,486 What they betting on, Sal? 382 00:15:14,586 --> 00:15:15,553 You. 383 00:15:15,653 --> 00:15:16,488 Me? 384 00:15:16,588 --> 00:15:18,490 Yeah, and your fight with Brady. 385 00:15:18,590 --> 00:15:20,225 They betting on me to win? 386 00:15:20,325 --> 00:15:24,128 No, on which way you'll fall. 387 00:15:24,229 --> 00:15:25,864 It's 20 to 1 for backwards. 388 00:15:25,964 --> 00:15:27,866 You want some of the action? 389 00:15:27,966 --> 00:15:28,867 MAN: I want in! 390 00:15:28,967 --> 00:15:31,202 [interposing voices] 391 00:15:31,302 --> 00:15:32,937 How about you, Ben? 392 00:15:33,037 --> 00:15:34,472 Folks! 393 00:15:34,572 --> 00:15:35,473 Folks! 394 00:15:35,573 --> 00:15:36,474 Attention! 395 00:15:36,574 --> 00:15:40,111 Atten-- [piano playing] 396 00:15:40,211 --> 00:15:41,379 [gunshot] 397 00:15:44,115 --> 00:15:45,316 It's Killer Cooley. 398 00:15:45,416 --> 00:15:46,718 And it's high noon. 399 00:15:53,291 --> 00:15:54,125 Hello, sheriff. 400 00:15:54,225 --> 00:15:55,126 We meet again. 401 00:15:55,226 --> 00:15:56,060 Yup. 402 00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:57,395 Got a good show for me? 403 00:15:57,495 --> 00:16:01,332 There ain't gonna be no show. 404 00:16:01,432 --> 00:16:03,334 Did he say what I think he said? 405 00:16:03,434 --> 00:16:04,536 - He said to-- - Shut up! 406 00:16:04,636 --> 00:16:05,236 Yes, sir. 407 00:16:05,336 --> 00:16:06,471 Go stand in the corner. 408 00:16:10,441 --> 00:16:12,477 There's not gonna be no show, huh? 409 00:16:12,577 --> 00:16:13,411 Nope. 410 00:16:13,511 --> 00:16:14,979 I guess you know what that means. 411 00:16:15,079 --> 00:16:16,214 Yep. 412 00:16:18,850 --> 00:16:21,386 All right, sheriff. 413 00:16:21,486 --> 00:16:22,587 Go for your guns. 414 00:16:22,687 --> 00:16:24,289 OK. 415 00:16:24,389 --> 00:16:26,324 Where you going? 416 00:16:26,424 --> 00:16:27,792 Going for my guns. They should have been here. 417 00:16:27,892 --> 00:16:29,160 Now, I don't know what's keeping 'em. 418 00:16:29,260 --> 00:16:30,495 Hold it! You ain't going nowhere! 419 00:16:30,595 --> 00:16:31,996 You wouldn't shoot an unarmed man, would you? 420 00:16:32,096 --> 00:16:34,198 That's one of my best things. 421 00:16:34,299 --> 00:16:35,567 It's showtime! 422 00:16:35,667 --> 00:16:36,301 Showtime? 423 00:16:36,401 --> 00:16:37,635 What's going on here? 424 00:16:37,735 --> 00:16:39,904 You came to see a show, there's gonna be a show. 425 00:16:40,004 --> 00:16:41,005 Get out of here! 426 00:16:41,105 --> 00:16:43,241 It better be a good one! 427 00:16:43,341 --> 00:16:44,709 Maestro, please! 428 00:16:44,809 --> 00:16:48,479 [MUSIC - JEAN LENOX AND HARRY SUTTON, "I DON'T CARE"] 429 00:16:48,580 --> 00:16:53,351 (SINGING) They say I'm crazy, got no sense, but I don't care. 430 00:16:53,451 --> 00:16:58,256 They may or may not mean offense, but I don't care. 431 00:16:58,356 --> 00:17:01,759 You see, I'm sort of independent, of a clever race descendent. 433 00:17:01,859 --> 00:17:04,862 My star is on the ascendant, that's why I don't care. 434 00:17:04,963 --> 00:17:06,164 [cheering] 435 00:17:06,264 --> 00:17:07,532 Wait, just hold it! 436 00:17:07,632 --> 00:17:08,733 Hold it! 437 00:17:08,833 --> 00:17:12,103 Laura, you-- I want you to come down off of there and you come down right now. 439 00:17:12,203 --> 00:17:13,237 Hey, you! 440 00:17:13,338 --> 00:17:15,139 You, you, you let that lady sing. 441 00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:16,641 That ain't no lady, that's my wife. 442 00:17:16,741 --> 00:17:19,544 Oh, Rob, please, please let me do this thing. 443 00:17:19,644 --> 00:17:21,245 Laura, this is my fight. 444 00:17:21,346 --> 00:17:22,180 I don't care. 445 00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:23,081 [piano playing] 446 00:17:23,181 --> 00:17:25,516 Not you. 447 00:17:25,617 --> 00:17:27,485 Don't you realize that man's a killer? 448 00:17:27,585 --> 00:17:28,886 Rob, I don't care. 449 00:17:28,987 --> 00:17:29,787 [piano playing] 450 00:17:29,887 --> 00:17:32,590 Will you stop! 451 00:17:32,690 --> 00:17:35,460 Laura, I don't want you to sing. 452 00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:40,898 If she don't sing, I'm gonna kill an innocent bystander. 453 00:17:40,999 --> 00:17:43,334 Don't sing, honey. 454 00:17:43,434 --> 00:17:44,335 [gunshot] 455 00:17:44,435 --> 00:17:45,603 [groans] 456 00:17:49,374 --> 00:17:52,744 That don't scare me none. 457 00:17:52,844 --> 00:17:53,811 [gunshot] 458 00:17:57,415 --> 00:17:59,717 That don't scare me none either. 459 00:17:59,817 --> 00:18:00,718 You're next. 460 00:18:00,818 --> 00:18:01,886 (SINGING) Ya-dah, dah-dah, dah-dah. 461 00:18:01,986 --> 00:18:02,820 [piano playing] 462 00:18:02,920 --> 00:18:03,888 (SINGING) I don't care. 463 00:18:03,988 --> 00:18:08,092 I don't care what they may think of me. 464 00:18:08,192 --> 00:18:14,432 Men say I am plucky, so happy go lucky, so jolly and carefree. 465 00:18:14,532 --> 00:18:16,367 I don't care. 466 00:18:16,467 --> 00:18:20,304 I don't care if I do get the cold and stony stare. 467 00:18:20,405 --> 00:18:26,310 If I'm never successful, it won't be distressful, 'cause I don't care. 469 00:18:26,411 --> 00:18:27,211 Yeah! 470 00:18:27,311 --> 00:18:29,747 [cheering] 471 00:18:29,847 --> 00:18:30,515 Oh, Rob. 472 00:18:30,615 --> 00:18:31,749 Rob, I saved your life. 473 00:18:31,849 --> 00:18:32,450 I saved your life. 474 00:18:32,550 --> 00:18:33,584 Isn't that wonderful? 475 00:18:33,685 --> 00:18:35,153 What'd you think of the show, Bad? 476 00:18:35,253 --> 00:18:37,455 One lousy chorus of "I Don't Care," you call that a show? 477 00:18:37,555 --> 00:18:38,523 That's no show. 478 00:18:38,623 --> 00:18:40,291 Hey, is this anything? 479 00:18:40,391 --> 00:18:46,264 (SINGING) Every little movement has-- I guess not. 481 00:18:46,364 --> 00:18:47,865 Good luck, Rob! 482 00:18:47,965 --> 00:18:49,400 Well, this is it. 483 00:18:49,500 --> 00:18:50,401 Hold it! 484 00:18:50,501 --> 00:18:51,602 Who are you? 485 00:18:51,703 --> 00:18:53,104 Deputy Sheriff Sorrell. 486 00:18:53,204 --> 00:18:54,706 I hate lawmen. 487 00:18:54,806 --> 00:18:55,907 Call me Buddy. 488 00:18:56,007 --> 00:18:57,542 Put that away. 489 00:18:57,642 --> 00:18:58,843 Sheriff, I got your guns. 490 00:18:58,943 --> 00:19:00,078 - Oh, no. - Good. 491 00:19:00,178 --> 00:19:01,346 Where'd you find 'em? 492 00:19:01,446 --> 00:19:03,281 Your kid Ritchie was playing with 'em. 493 00:19:03,381 --> 00:19:04,982 No wonder he's been losing all his friends. 494 00:19:05,083 --> 00:19:08,252 Rob, if you put those guns on, I'll never speak to you again. 495 00:19:08,352 --> 00:19:10,054 Probably not, but I got to. 496 00:19:10,154 --> 00:19:11,055 Oh, Rob. 497 00:19:13,691 --> 00:19:16,327 You're really going through with it, eh, sheriff? 498 00:19:16,427 --> 00:19:19,564 I'm through running. 499 00:19:19,664 --> 00:19:20,832 I'm through walking, too. 500 00:19:20,932 --> 00:19:22,033 I can't do that. 501 00:19:22,133 --> 00:19:24,335 Oh, Rob, you're out of practice, out of practice. 502 00:19:24,435 --> 00:19:26,104 Let him practice, huh? 503 00:19:26,204 --> 00:19:29,507 Go ahead and practice, it ain't gonna do you no good nohow. 505 00:19:29,607 --> 00:19:36,214 All right, you with the cards there, throw a card up in the air. 507 00:19:36,314 --> 00:19:37,482 [gunshot] 508 00:19:39,851 --> 00:19:41,052 Are you ready? 509 00:19:41,152 --> 00:19:41,986 Are you kidding? 510 00:19:42,086 --> 00:19:42,887 Did you see that? 511 00:19:42,987 --> 00:19:44,122 I need more practice. 512 00:19:44,222 --> 00:19:45,656 Go ahead and take it. 513 00:19:52,430 --> 00:19:53,331 [gunshot] 514 00:19:53,431 --> 00:19:54,332 [glass shattering] 515 00:19:54,432 --> 00:19:58,302 [gunshots] 516 00:19:58,403 --> 00:20:00,605 [glass shattering] 517 00:20:04,408 --> 00:20:07,378 Hey, that's pretty good shooting, sheriff. 518 00:20:07,478 --> 00:20:11,449 Not too good, I was shooting at the picture. 519 00:20:11,549 --> 00:20:12,416 Can I get another minute? 520 00:20:12,517 --> 00:20:13,918 No, you can't. 521 00:20:14,018 --> 00:20:14,752 Oh, Rob, please. 522 00:20:14,852 --> 00:20:16,888 Please no, don't do it, please. 523 00:20:16,988 --> 00:20:20,792 Listen Bad, if you ever had any feeling for me at all, please spare this man. 525 00:20:20,892 --> 00:20:23,161 I never had any feeling for you. 526 00:20:23,261 --> 00:20:24,061 See that, honey? 527 00:20:24,162 --> 00:20:25,163 I told you he wanted me. 528 00:20:25,263 --> 00:20:26,197 Not even a little bit. 529 00:20:26,297 --> 00:20:27,799 No, not at all. 530 00:20:27,899 --> 00:20:30,134 Maybe your sister a little bit for a while there, but no more. 531 00:20:30,234 --> 00:20:31,969 Make your move, Brady. 532 00:20:32,069 --> 00:20:33,237 You make your move. 533 00:20:33,337 --> 00:20:36,073 Shouldn't I make my move? 534 00:20:36,174 --> 00:20:37,041 Yeah, good thinking. 535 00:20:37,141 --> 00:20:38,042 Thanks, Rob. 536 00:20:52,723 --> 00:20:55,760 You, give me a little of that, [vocalizing].. 537 00:20:55,860 --> 00:20:57,495 [suspenseful music] That's it. 538 00:20:57,595 --> 00:20:58,763 Yeah, that's better. 539 00:21:02,533 --> 00:21:03,367 Gotcha! 540 00:21:03,467 --> 00:21:04,735 Gotcha! 541 00:21:04,836 --> 00:21:07,104 Well, that's not gonna work. 542 00:21:07,205 --> 00:21:08,206 Back to back. 543 00:21:08,306 --> 00:21:10,708 Right, back to back. 544 00:21:10,808 --> 00:21:14,812 I'll count to three, then we draw and shoot. 545 00:21:14,912 --> 00:21:16,347 All right. 546 00:21:16,447 --> 00:21:21,085 One, two, three! 547 00:21:21,185 --> 00:21:22,119 [gunshots] 548 00:21:24,388 --> 00:21:25,556 You didn't say to turn around. 549 00:21:25,656 --> 00:21:26,691 You're supposed to tell us to turn around. 550 00:21:26,791 --> 00:21:27,959 That was implicit! 551 00:21:28,059 --> 00:21:30,294 I didn't-- I didn't mean to shoot him, I meant to shoot him. 553 00:21:30,394 --> 00:21:31,295 [gunshot] 554 00:21:51,482 --> 00:21:52,783 Hey, I did it! 555 00:21:52,884 --> 00:21:54,752 I outdrew him fair and square. 556 00:21:54,852 --> 00:21:56,487 Did you see that? I was fast. 557 00:21:56,587 --> 00:21:57,488 He didn't have a chance. 558 00:21:57,588 --> 00:21:58,589 His gun didn't even cock! 559 00:21:58,689 --> 00:21:59,523 [gunshot] 560 00:21:59,624 --> 00:22:01,425 OK, yes, it did. 561 00:22:01,525 --> 00:22:02,360 Ow! 562 00:22:02,460 --> 00:22:03,294 Ow! 563 00:22:03,394 --> 00:22:05,196 Oh, ow, ow! 564 00:22:05,296 --> 00:22:08,966 Gee whizz, does that hurt. 565 00:22:09,066 --> 00:22:10,768 [groaning] 566 00:22:10,868 --> 00:22:11,502 Ah! 567 00:22:11,602 --> 00:22:12,703 Oh! 568 00:22:12,803 --> 00:22:13,738 Oh, I'm shot. - Where'd it hit you? 569 00:22:13,838 --> 00:22:14,839 Where'd it hit you? 570 00:22:14,939 --> 00:22:15,573 Oh. 571 00:22:15,673 --> 00:22:16,741 In the shoulder. 572 00:22:16,841 --> 00:22:18,509 All that noise for just a shoulder? 573 00:22:18,609 --> 00:22:19,610 Somebody call a doctor. 574 00:22:19,710 --> 00:22:21,045 All right, all right, all right. 575 00:22:21,145 --> 00:22:21,979 My Rob! 576 00:22:22,079 --> 00:22:23,414 Hey, doc! Doc! 577 00:22:23,514 --> 00:22:25,950 We don't have no doctor in this town, all we got's a dentist. 579 00:22:26,050 --> 00:22:26,884 Hey, dent! 580 00:22:26,984 --> 00:22:27,985 Dent! 581 00:22:28,085 --> 00:22:29,420 - Yes, Ms. Sally? - Over there. 582 00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:30,454 Huh? 583 00:22:30,554 --> 00:22:31,923 Oh, oh, where are you hurt, pal? 584 00:22:32,023 --> 00:22:34,792 Oh, over here, dummy, he's already dead. 585 00:22:34,892 --> 00:22:37,228 Yuck! 586 00:22:37,328 --> 00:22:38,462 Jerry, can you save him? 587 00:22:38,562 --> 00:22:40,031 I don't know, where are you hurt, pal? 588 00:22:40,131 --> 00:22:44,669 Right there in the shoulder where the blood is leaking out of that little hole. 590 00:22:44,769 --> 00:22:46,804 Well, I hope you're all satisfied. 591 00:22:46,904 --> 00:22:49,874 Nobody would face Bad Brady but Rob, now he may die. 592 00:22:49,974 --> 00:22:51,309 Are you satisfied? - Yeah, I am. 593 00:22:51,409 --> 00:22:52,243 [interposing voices] 594 00:22:52,343 --> 00:22:53,277 Pretty good. 595 00:22:53,377 --> 00:22:54,478 Let me see how he is. 596 00:22:54,579 --> 00:22:55,446 Ah! 597 00:22:55,546 --> 00:22:56,881 Oh my gosh! 598 00:22:56,981 --> 00:22:58,115 Is that a bad wound, doc? 599 00:22:58,215 --> 00:22:59,050 What wound? 600 00:22:59,150 --> 00:22:59,850 Did you see that? 601 00:22:59,951 --> 00:23:00,952 He's got an impacted tooth. 602 00:23:01,052 --> 00:23:01,852 Let me see that. 603 00:23:01,953 --> 00:23:02,587 Ah! 604 00:23:02,687 --> 00:23:04,121 Look at that! 605 00:23:04,221 --> 00:23:05,222 We gotta get you down to the office to take care of that. 606 00:23:05,323 --> 00:23:06,023 In fact-- - Oh, no. 607 00:23:06,123 --> 00:23:06,757 Oh, yeah! 608 00:23:06,857 --> 00:23:08,359 [interposing voices] 609 00:23:09,327 --> 00:23:10,528 No, no! 610 00:23:10,628 --> 00:23:11,596 No, no! 611 00:23:11,696 --> 00:23:12,730 No, no! 612 00:23:12,830 --> 00:23:13,664 Rob, Rob, now take it easy, Rob. 613 00:23:13,764 --> 00:23:14,765 Relax. Relax, Rob. 614 00:23:14,865 --> 00:23:16,300 - What? - Rob, it's all over. 615 00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:18,202 The tooth is out. 616 00:23:18,302 --> 00:23:20,071 What are you gonna do about this bullet in my arm? 617 00:23:20,171 --> 00:23:22,039 What'd you do, have a dream, Rob? 618 00:23:22,139 --> 00:23:23,874 You wouldn't believe the dream I just had. 619 00:23:23,975 --> 00:23:25,309 I just killed Alan Brady. 620 00:23:25,409 --> 00:23:26,477 Well, not soon enough. 621 00:23:26,577 --> 00:23:30,381 His secretary called and said tooth or no tooth, he wants that sketch done by this afternoon 623 00:23:30,481 --> 00:23:31,749 or he's gonna kill you. 624 00:23:31,849 --> 00:23:32,750 You know, that's no problem. 625 00:23:32,850 --> 00:23:34,251 He wants a Western sketch. 626 00:23:34,352 --> 00:23:35,753 I'll just use all that stuff I just had in that dream. 627 00:23:35,853 --> 00:23:38,389 Rob, did you dream about World War I? 628 00:23:38,489 --> 00:23:39,690 What? 629 00:23:39,790 --> 00:23:42,560 Alan wants a World War I sketch instead. 630 00:23:42,660 --> 00:23:44,128 Jerry, do I need another wisdom tooth out? 631 00:23:44,228 --> 00:23:44,962 Yeah. 632 00:23:45,062 --> 00:23:46,731 Put me under and take it out. 633 00:23:46,831 --> 00:23:50,001 Rob, Rob, there's no guarantee that you're going to dream about World War I. 635 00:23:50,101 --> 00:23:52,770 I don't care, even a rat like Alan Brady can't expect a funny sketch out of a guy 637 00:23:52,870 --> 00:23:54,171 if he had two teeth out. 638 00:23:54,271 --> 00:23:55,239 Come on, put me under. 639 00:23:55,339 --> 00:23:56,807 Take 'em all out and give me a nose job. 640 00:23:56,907 --> 00:23:59,677 Give me a haircut. 641 00:23:59,777 --> 00:24:03,948 [music playing] 642 00:24:06,751 --> 00:24:12,990 [theme music] 41106

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