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[theme song]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show", starring
Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Oh, Rob, we'll never find it.
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We gotta find it.
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Well, do we have to find it tonight?
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I got a date.
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Do you wanna tell Alan Brady we lost this week's script?
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Rob, it's almost 6 o'clock.
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And they pick up all his junk at 7 o'clock.
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It's gotta be here someplace.
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Herman Glimscher will forgive if you're a few minutes late.
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That's fine, except I'm going out to Douglas Bedlork.
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How's that, a new fella?
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Yeah, brand new.
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I don't think he's ever been used before.
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You know something?
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Those second hand guys that look like new can't be trusted.
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Ho, ho ho, make jokes.
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It's your fault we're down here, you know.
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Well, go ahead, blame me for being neat.
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I suppose I was wrong to try and tidy up the office.
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No, but you were wrong to throw out this week's script.
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Well, I didn't do it on purpose.
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ROB PETRIE: Look, arguing will not help find it.
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No, but it makes looking a lot easier.
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Come on, the janitor said that all the Alan
Brady stuff was in the back barrel here.
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Hey, look it is.
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Maybe if I keep looking,
I'll find the rest of the girl in here.
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Oh, boy, here's all of stuff that Buddy throw out.
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Most of these things back here are memos from Alan.
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This one just says, shut up.
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[chuckles]
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It's probably from Mel.
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Here's one.
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Well, this from the network to Alan.
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It says increased production cost--
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Well, what's it say?
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Oh, no-- not a thing.
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Well, then, how come you've got nothing in your pocket?
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Oh, um, I just had a big paper clip on
here and I was-- I like saving them.
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Oh.
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Hey, hallelujah.
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Hey, either she found the script or she got religious.
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Both.
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I prayed for it, and I found it.
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Hey, look at that, she got the script.
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Yeah, well, great, great.
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Great?
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Don't be so enthused.
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You all right, Rob?
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Yeah, why, it's probably just the heat from this furnace.
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It's-- - Oh.
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And the script is not good anyway.
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[chuckles]
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Look, why don't you guys go on home?
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I wanna clean up a little bit out here.
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Then I'll, you know, rewrite all this a little bit.
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Don't you touch one word to that script.
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It's perfect.
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Listen, if Douglas Bedlork calls, will
you tell him not to move off the corner
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and I'll pick them up in 10 minutes.
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- OK. - Goodnight.
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Goodnight, Rob.
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See you tomorrow.
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Hey, there was a script on the way upstairs.
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Don't worry, I won't.
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lose it-- it maybe our last group together.
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I just can't believe it, Rob.
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They're actually going to fire Buddy or Sally?
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It's right here in a memo.
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You can read it for yourself in black and white and purple.
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There's grape jelly stains all over
it, but read it between the stains.
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"Network memo to Alan Brady.
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Increased production costs, necessitate budget cuts.
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You are hereby instructed to cut back writing stuff."
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ROB PETRIE: That's staff.
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Oh, well, I couldn't see from the grape jelly.
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You see, cutting back writing staff by one member.
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Every time they have trouble with a
budget, that go straight for the writers.
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Why didn't you discuss this with
Buddy or Sally when you found it?
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Oh, no, honey, I was too shocked.
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God, you know I've been with those two
almost as long as I've been with you.
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Like in a divorce.
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Then maybe you can talk Alan out.
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Honey, that memo is from the network.
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There are Alan's boss, like I was Buddy and Sally's boss.
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Boy, that Alan.
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I bet he'll make you do the firing.
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He will.
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I almost rather quit myself then fire those two.
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Of course, they'd get a job at a minute.
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Oh, of course they can.
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Well, not in the middle of the season, they can't.
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LAURA PETRIE: Hey, rob.
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Doggonit, we were such a good team.
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If you had to do it,
which one would you-- ROB PETRIE: Fire.
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The word is fire.
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You can't even say it, how can I do it?
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Well, if you could say it, which one would you say to?
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I don't know.
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If I was forced to make a choice, well, let's
look at what they have to offer individually.
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Buddy is very good with the big jokes.
104
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Sally's good with visual comedy.
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But Sally's the only one who can type with all our fingers.
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Buddy's got a great joke file, of course.
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Yeah, and you've always said that Sally's always on time.
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Yeah.
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So that's one for her.
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Honey, don't start with new fingers, we're using mine.
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Well, I mixed up-- erase.
112
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You know what I think we ought to do?
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I think you ought to call them right now.
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Maybe the three of you can figure something out.
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Call them night?
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Alan will probably make you do it tomorrow morning.
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Yeah, that's right.
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It's important enough to get them over here for.
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A man's got to face up to certain
responsibilities, I guess.
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So does his wife, bake some brownies.
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LAURA PETRIE: Why?
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Honey, when they hear news like that,
they're gonna want a good stiff drink.
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Rob, Buddy and Sally don't drink.
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I know, so you better have some brownies to offer them.
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[doorbell rings]
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Hi, Buddy. - Oh, hi, Rob.
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I'm sorry to get you out this time of night.
128
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Was Pickle's mad? - Nah.
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Her mother was coming over.
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And it's easier for them to louse me up if I'm not there.
131
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Where's Sally?
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She's helping Doug park the car.
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Oh, she couldn't shake Doug, huh?
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She didn't want to shake Doug.
135
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That guy is a great audience for her.
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He laughs at everything she says.
137
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Oy.
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Hey, what was the big secret on the
phone you couldn't tell me about?
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Well, it's not exactly a big secret, Buddy.
140
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I'd like to wait until Sally comes.
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Hi, Buddy.
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Oh, hello.
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How are you?
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I think I'm sick.
145
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Hey, you kissed me like you were taking my temperature.
146
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Oh, well-- No, you look great.
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Sit down, have a-- have a brownie.
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Have as many as you want.
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All right, I'll take four of them.
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[doorbell rings]
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Hello.
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Hi.
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I'm Douglas Bedlork, Sally's date.
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[chuckles] - That's good.
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- Hi, Rob. - Oh, hi, Sally.
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Hi, Sally.
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I didn't know you were bringing someone.
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I didn't, I brought Doug.
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I didn't-- I didn't spoil your evening, did I?
160
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Oh, no.
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Nothing can spoil Doug's evening.
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No, no.
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I just love show people.
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My uncle's was Lou Pitlork.
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Oh.
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He used to play spoons at Proctors in Jersey.
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Oh, yeah.
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You know him?
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No, but I know a lot of spoons.
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DOUG BEDLORK: [laughs]
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Ah, Rob, why are we here?
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ROB PETRIE: Oh, I'll tell you in a minute.
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Sal-- let's all sit down here first.
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Sally, have a brownie.
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OK.
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Have as many as you want.
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OK, I'll take one.
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Hey, you got three coming.
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Oh, I'm sorry, sorry.
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That's all right, Rob.
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I always like my brownies well done.
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[laughs] Oh, this is a riot.
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Won't you have a seat?
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Oh, no, thanks.
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I sat all the way up here.
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Yeah, I wouldn't let him stand up in the car.
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DOUG BEDLORK: [laughs] OK, Rob.
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What are we doing here tonight.
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I'm afraid what I have to say isn't very-- Sally,
Buddy, I'm just going to come as a surprise
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to both of you, I know.
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You remember-- you're-- well, you might
as well just read it for yourself.
192
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There it is, read it.
193
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It's a little sticky, but read it.
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[laughs]
195
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This guy is some laughter.
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I might take you out myself sometime.
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DOUG BEDLORK: [continues laughing]
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Douglas sit, stay.
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Douglas, would-- would you like a brownie?
200
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[laughs]
201
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Hey, Rob, where'd you get this?
202
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ROB PETRIE: Well, I follow it at basement
tonight, but I didn't tell you because I was--
203
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SALLY ROGERS: Chicken.
204
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Yeah, chicken.
205
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[chuckles] Read it.
206
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Well, if you must know,
it says that one of us is gonna get the x.
207
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So I can't fire either one of you guys.
208
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I don't know what to do.
209
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SALLY ROGERS: Well, this memo was dated three
days ago and Alan hasn't said anything yet.
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He will.
211
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He can't ignore the network.
212
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Yeah, he's more afraid of the network than Mel's of him.
213
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Yeah, he's probably waiting for just the
right moment to tell us that were fired.
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Yeah, like Christmas.
215
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[laughs] That's funny.
216
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[whistles]
217
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[coughing]
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Hey, Buddy, Sally, you know,
don't you, that Rob loves you both.
219
00:08:03,723 --> 00:08:06,326
There's just no way he can make a decision like this.
220
00:08:06,426 --> 00:08:07,994
Yeah, I guess it's very rough.
221
00:08:08,094 --> 00:08:08,928
Yeah.
222
00:08:09,029 --> 00:08:10,196
Hey, wait a minute.
223
00:08:10,296 --> 00:08:11,731
Why are we feeling sorry for him?
224
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He got his job.
225
00:08:12,832 --> 00:08:15,235
Well, I'm not looking for sympathy,
I'm looking for an answer.
226
00:08:15,335 --> 00:08:18,672
Well, how about, eeny, meeny,
miny-- Well, that's no way to decide.
227
00:08:18,772 --> 00:08:19,906
Yeah, I guess you're right.
228
00:08:20,006 --> 00:08:21,641
My way would wind up with firing Laura.
229
00:08:21,741 --> 00:08:22,942
[chuckles]
230
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Well, come on.
231
00:08:25,912 --> 00:08:27,180
Where we going?
232
00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:28,114
Back to town.
233
00:08:28,214 --> 00:08:29,082
Wait a minute, Sal.
234
00:08:29,182 --> 00:08:30,116
We don't decide anything.
235
00:08:30,216 --> 00:08:31,518
Rob, it's not your problem.
236
00:08:31,618 --> 00:08:34,554
It's up to Buddy and me to decide
between ourselves who should resign.
237
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It's my responsibility.
238
00:08:36,122 --> 00:08:37,424
Oh, no, Sally is right.
239
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If you fire either one of us, we'll both hate you.
240
00:08:39,426 --> 00:08:42,662
Ah, could-- could-- could
I make a suggestion?
241
00:08:42,762 --> 00:08:43,930
Well, yeah.
242
00:08:44,030 --> 00:08:47,033
Well, when I'm faced with a problem like this, well,
243
00:08:47,133 --> 00:08:51,805
I take out this piece of paper that I keep
in my wallet and-- and it always helps me.
244
00:08:51,905 --> 00:08:53,773
What are you gonna do, read your driver's license?
245
00:08:53,873 --> 00:08:57,410
[laughs]
246
00:08:58,611 --> 00:09:01,748
"If you strike a thorn on a rose, keep it going.
247
00:09:01,848 --> 00:09:06,286
If it hails or if it snows, keep it going.
248
00:09:06,386 --> 00:09:10,490
Ain't no use to sit and whine when a fishing on your line.
249
00:09:10,590 --> 00:09:13,426
Bait your hook and keep it trying, keep it going."
250
00:09:13,526 --> 00:09:15,695
Yeah, keep it going, Douglas.
251
00:09:15,795 --> 00:09:19,132
"When the winter kills your crop--"
252
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I made my decision, I mean it.
253
00:09:20,633 --> 00:09:22,702
I couldn't fire either one of you guys, I couldn't.
254
00:09:22,802 --> 00:09:25,238
If anybody leaves here, I wanna quit with you.
255
00:09:25,338 --> 00:09:26,773
Hey, do you mean that?
256
00:09:26,873 --> 00:09:30,910
Yeah, we're a writing team, and we're gonna
stay a team even if it isn't on this show.
257
00:09:31,010 --> 00:09:33,313
You mean to say that you'd give up your job for us?
258
00:09:33,413 --> 00:09:34,314
Yeah.
259
00:09:34,414 --> 00:09:35,548
Compared to you, I'm a rat.
260
00:09:35,648 --> 00:09:38,651
Compared to a rat, you're a rat.
261
00:09:38,752 --> 00:09:42,322
Honestly, I don't think Alan can
afford to lose this whole staff.
262
00:09:42,422 --> 00:09:44,891
If we just make a united stand, the three
of us, he can't afford to let us go.
263
00:09:44,991 --> 00:09:45,592
Hey, you're right.
264
00:09:45,692 --> 00:09:46,726
How about a gang?
265
00:09:46,826 --> 00:09:47,560
All right.
266
00:09:47,660 --> 00:09:49,562
All for one and two for five.
267
00:09:53,466 --> 00:09:54,934
Wait, it's almost noon.
268
00:09:55,034 --> 00:09:56,469
Don't you think we ought to be hearing something from Alan?
269
00:09:56,569 --> 00:09:58,004
Well, I sure hope we hear something.
270
00:09:58,104 --> 00:09:59,272
I hate this suspense.
271
00:09:59,372 --> 00:10:00,473
I hate this whole thing.
272
00:10:00,573 --> 00:10:03,543
I hate that whole thing.
273
00:10:03,643 --> 00:10:04,978
Rob, Alan asked me to--
274
00:10:07,413 --> 00:10:08,982
why are you all standing like that?
275
00:10:09,082 --> 00:10:11,117
We're trying out for a toboggan team.
276
00:10:14,587 --> 00:10:18,825
Mel, I know that Alan wants to see me in the office,
but we're all three going up there together.
277
00:10:18,925 --> 00:10:20,894
No, no, Alan's in Pittsburgh, he'll be back tomorrow.
278
00:10:20,994 --> 00:10:23,296
And he wants that laundry room sketch done by then.
279
00:10:23,396 --> 00:10:24,497
Is that all he said?
280
00:10:24,597 --> 00:10:25,832
You didn't leave anything out, Mel?
281
00:10:25,932 --> 00:10:27,500
- What do you mean? - No, he's not lying.
282
00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:30,837
When he lies, his whole head gets pink.
283
00:10:30,937 --> 00:10:32,438
Is there some sort of a problem?
284
00:10:32,539 --> 00:10:33,873
No, no, nothing.
285
00:10:33,973 --> 00:10:36,075
Well, is there anything I can do in Alan's absence?
286
00:10:36,176 --> 00:10:37,110
Yeah, join him.
287
00:10:47,053 --> 00:10:49,189
Boy, I've never see Mel that mad.
288
00:10:49,289 --> 00:10:51,558
He broke your pencil.
289
00:10:51,658 --> 00:10:52,458
You know what that means?
290
00:10:52,559 --> 00:10:53,493
What?
291
00:10:53,593 --> 00:10:54,828
I'm gonna have to use my pen.
292
00:10:54,928 --> 00:10:56,830
Oh.
293
00:10:56,930 --> 00:10:58,565
What are we making jokes for anyway?
294
00:10:58,665 --> 00:11:00,066
It isn't fair.
295
00:11:00,166 --> 00:11:01,935
Here we're all set to tell Alan off and he's not here.
296
00:11:02,035 --> 00:11:04,737
We can't just walk up to an empty desk and say, we quit.
297
00:11:04,838 --> 00:11:06,439
No, maybe we should tell Mel.
298
00:11:06,539 --> 00:11:09,442
That's the same as talking to an empty desk.
299
00:11:09,542 --> 00:11:12,312
What do you think, Rob?
300
00:11:12,412 --> 00:11:13,346
Wait a minute.
301
00:11:13,446 --> 00:11:14,681
What kind of a leader are you?
302
00:11:14,781 --> 00:11:17,150
The weak silent type.
303
00:11:17,250 --> 00:11:20,987
I just can't figure out why Alan's waiting so
long to tell me that I got to fire somebody.
304
00:11:21,087 --> 00:11:24,591
All I know is if we're going to be
fired, we better line up something else.
305
00:11:24,691 --> 00:11:26,192
SALLY ROGERS: Right.
306
00:11:26,292 --> 00:11:27,994
ROB PETRIE: Well, it wouldn't hurt to do some looking around.
307
00:11:28,094 --> 00:11:30,563
SALLY ROGERS: Yeah. ROB PETRIE: The only--
I wish it wasn't the middle of the season.
308
00:11:30,663 --> 00:11:32,031
Nobody's looking for writers now.
309
00:11:32,131 --> 00:11:33,333
Hey, Jelly Bean is.
310
00:11:33,433 --> 00:11:34,667
- Who? - Jelly Bean.
311
00:11:34,767 --> 00:11:36,002
Did you see this article?
312
00:11:36,102 --> 00:11:41,841
Ventriloquist, Claude Wilbur and Jelly Bean are
going on mid-season to replace Disco Go-go.
313
00:11:41,941 --> 00:11:43,977
Jelly Beans is that that little snail puppet?
314
00:11:44,077 --> 00:11:45,612
Wait a minute, he's not so little.
315
00:11:45,712 --> 00:11:49,515
Did five big hit shows on "Ed Sullivan",
they're giving him his own program,
316
00:11:49,616 --> 00:11:52,252
mid-season with a big budget.
317
00:11:52,352 --> 00:11:53,586
Well, sure we're talking to him.
318
00:11:53,686 --> 00:11:54,954
I gonna call my agent.
319
00:11:55,054 --> 00:11:57,457
Oh, Rob.
320
00:11:57,557 --> 00:11:59,959
Marge, give me George Shapiro, please.
321
00:12:00,059 --> 00:12:01,060
Thank you.
322
00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:03,396
Rob, look, I ain't writing for no animals.
323
00:12:03,496 --> 00:12:05,398
I'm a writer, not a veterinarian.
324
00:12:05,498 --> 00:12:06,866
But this is a step up.
325
00:12:06,966 --> 00:12:12,138
You're going from Alan the worm to Claude the snail.
326
00:12:12,238 --> 00:12:13,439
Rob, Rob, come right in.
327
00:12:13,539 --> 00:12:14,407
Come right in.
328
00:12:14,507 --> 00:12:15,575
It's so nice to meet you.
329
00:12:15,675 --> 00:12:16,609
Well, nice to meet you Mr. Wilbur.
330
00:12:16,709 --> 00:12:17,577
Oh, call me Claude.
331
00:12:17,677 --> 00:12:18,811
Oh, Claude, OK.
332
00:12:18,912 --> 00:12:23,416
Ah, you know, Rob, I'm a very big fan
of the "Alan Brady Show" and that makes
333
00:12:23,516 --> 00:12:24,617
me a very big fan of yours.
334
00:12:24,717 --> 00:12:26,152
Oh, thank you very much.
335
00:12:26,252 --> 00:12:27,921
Incidentally, congratulations on getting your own show.
336
00:12:28,021 --> 00:12:32,725
Oh, it's, ah-- yes, it's a big step for Jelly Bean.
337
00:12:32,825 --> 00:12:34,460
He needs talented men like you.
338
00:12:34,561 --> 00:12:38,531
Oh, and incidentally, I'm also representing
my staff, ah, Buddy Sorrell and Sally Rogers.
339
00:12:38,631 --> 00:12:39,966
Oh, yes, of course.
340
00:12:40,066 --> 00:12:42,001
Well, ah, I guess you might as well meet him now.
341
00:12:42,101 --> 00:12:44,070
He gets a little feisty when he's left out of things.
342
00:12:44,170 --> 00:12:44,971
Who?
343
00:12:45,071 --> 00:12:45,738
The Jelly Bean.
344
00:12:45,838 --> 00:12:46,973
Come over here, Rob.
345
00:12:47,073 --> 00:12:48,441
I want you to say hello to Jelly Bean.
346
00:12:48,541 --> 00:12:50,576
Oh, Jelly Bean.
347
00:12:50,677 --> 00:12:52,345
Jelly Bean?
348
00:12:52,445 --> 00:12:53,846
Jelly Bean?
349
00:12:53,947 --> 00:12:57,650
Ah, Rob, would you call Jelly Bean, please?
350
00:12:57,750 --> 00:13:01,254
He's not talking to me.
351
00:13:01,354 --> 00:13:03,690
[clears throat] Call him?
352
00:13:03,790 --> 00:13:05,258
Yes, yes, just call him.
353
00:13:05,358 --> 00:13:08,428
Hello, Jelly Bean.
354
00:13:08,528 --> 00:13:10,396
Ah, I don't-- I don't
think he heard you.
355
00:13:10,496 --> 00:13:11,230
Would you call him again?
356
00:13:11,331 --> 00:13:13,032
Ah, Jelly Bean?
357
00:13:13,132 --> 00:13:13,833
Yeah.
358
00:13:13,933 --> 00:13:16,369
[chuckles] Hi, Jelly Bean.
359
00:13:16,469 --> 00:13:17,537
Yeah, he's cute.
360
00:13:17,637 --> 00:13:20,306
Ah, Jelly Bean, this is Mr. Petrie.
361
00:13:20,406 --> 00:13:21,841
Mhm.
362
00:13:21,941 --> 00:13:25,645
Mr. Petrie, I am not talking to him until he apologizes.
363
00:13:25,745 --> 00:13:26,846
ROB PETRIE: Oh?
364
00:13:26,946 --> 00:13:28,448
He's the one who should apologize.
365
00:13:28,548 --> 00:13:29,882
Oh, why don't you apologize to him.
366
00:13:29,983 --> 00:13:30,917
Why don't you butt out?
367
00:13:31,017 --> 00:13:33,319
[laughs] This could be funny.
368
00:13:33,419 --> 00:13:34,554
Not with him around.
369
00:13:34,654 --> 00:13:35,822
Ah, Jelly Bean, please.
370
00:13:35,922 --> 00:13:37,657
Mr. Petrie is here for a visit.
371
00:13:37,757 --> 00:13:39,392
He's here for the job.
372
00:13:39,492 --> 00:13:40,526
Yes.
373
00:13:40,626 --> 00:13:41,995
Well, let's get down to business.
374
00:13:42,095 --> 00:13:44,831
Mr. Petrie, how long have you been with Alan Brady?
375
00:13:44,931 --> 00:13:46,699
I've been with him about seven years.
376
00:13:46,799 --> 00:13:51,270
Well, actually, I started out as a disk jockey
in-- Don't talk to him, I'm asking the questions.
377
00:13:51,371 --> 00:13:52,805
[chuckles]
378
00:13:52,905 --> 00:13:54,507
Talk to him, please.
379
00:13:54,607 --> 00:13:55,408
Talk to me!
380
00:13:55,508 --> 00:13:56,876
What?
381
00:13:56,976 --> 00:13:58,144
Mr. Wilbur, I feel kind of funny talking to a snail.
382
00:13:58,244 --> 00:14:00,813
Ah, would you prefer talking to a jerk?
383
00:14:00,913 --> 00:14:02,915
I have to take you in hand for that Jelly Bean.
384
00:14:03,016 --> 00:14:04,550
In hand, that's very funny.
385
00:14:04,650 --> 00:14:05,952
[laughs]
386
00:14:06,052 --> 00:14:08,287
I'll decide what's funny.
387
00:14:08,388 --> 00:14:09,589
Ow!
388
00:14:09,689 --> 00:14:11,157
CLAUDE WILBUR: Jelly Bean!
389
00:14:11,257 --> 00:14:13,026
Ah, eh, did that hurt?
390
00:14:13,126 --> 00:14:13,826
No, not really.
391
00:14:13,926 --> 00:14:15,261
Well, then, how is it here?
392
00:14:15,361 --> 00:14:16,596
Ow!
393
00:14:16,696 --> 00:14:17,563
Jelly Bean, please.
394
00:14:17,663 --> 00:14:18,998
So now to continue.
395
00:14:19,098 --> 00:14:21,401
Do you had a resume with you?
396
00:14:21,501 --> 00:14:24,037
Oh, yes, I do.
397
00:14:24,137 --> 00:14:25,438
Ah, thank you.
398
00:14:25,538 --> 00:14:26,572
Do you have another copy?
399
00:14:26,672 --> 00:14:28,074
Oh.
400
00:14:28,174 --> 00:14:31,377
[laughs] You-- you got me believing him all of sudden.
401
00:14:31,477 --> 00:14:32,478
Give it to him.
402
00:14:32,578 --> 00:14:33,613
Huh?
403
00:14:33,713 --> 00:14:34,680
The copy.
404
00:14:34,781 --> 00:14:36,449
Yes, ah.
405
00:14:36,549 --> 00:14:38,551
Thank you.
406
00:14:38,651 --> 00:14:40,219
I'll eat it later.
407
00:14:40,319 --> 00:14:44,290
I guess you, ah-- you want me to kind of think of
him as being a human being so I can write for him.
408
00:14:44,390 --> 00:14:45,625
Is that it?
409
00:14:45,725 --> 00:14:46,926
Oh, do you think you can do my sort of stuff?
410
00:14:47,026 --> 00:14:48,461
ROB PETRIE: Yeah, I'm sure we can.
411
00:14:48,561 --> 00:14:49,962
Well, they're not definitely off the "Brady Show" yet.
412
00:14:50,063 --> 00:14:51,297
ROB PETRIE: Oh, that's right, yeah.
413
00:14:51,397 --> 00:14:52,231
Yes, I know.
414
00:14:52,331 --> 00:14:53,332
His agent tells me so.
415
00:14:53,433 --> 00:14:55,768
CLAUDE WILBUR: Oh, I see what-- JELLY
BEAN: Have you ever seen me work?
416
00:14:55,868 --> 00:14:57,236
Oh, yes, my son just loves you.
417
00:14:57,336 --> 00:14:59,772
Oh, yes, we owe a great deal to children.
418
00:14:59,872 --> 00:15:01,007
Oh, cut the source.
419
00:15:01,107 --> 00:15:03,176
You hate kids worst than I do.
420
00:15:03,276 --> 00:15:06,813
That is not true Jelly Bean and
you-- Are you calling me a liar?
421
00:15:06,913 --> 00:15:09,082
Well, I never said--
He's calling me a liar.
422
00:15:09,182 --> 00:15:10,817
Did you hear him call me a liar?
423
00:15:10,917 --> 00:15:12,218
Oh, not actually.
424
00:15:12,318 --> 00:15:13,152
Who asked you?
425
00:15:13,252 --> 00:15:13,886
Well, you did.
426
00:15:13,986 --> 00:15:15,321
I mean, he did. - Ow!
427
00:15:15,421 --> 00:15:16,556
Stop, Jelly Bean!
428
00:15:16,656 --> 00:15:18,224
Jelly Bean, wait.
429
00:15:18,324 --> 00:15:18,925
Jelly Bean.
430
00:15:19,025 --> 00:15:20,460
He keeps hitting me.
431
00:15:24,263 --> 00:15:25,364
Jelly Bean.
432
00:15:25,465 --> 00:15:29,802
Ah, Mr. Petrie, I must tell you that we
have two other characters in our show.
433
00:15:29,902 --> 00:15:31,838
There's Deauville the crow and Irving the mouse.
434
00:15:31,938 --> 00:15:33,139
ROB PETRIE: Oh, they're wonderful.
435
00:15:33,239 --> 00:15:35,608
Oh, they stink.
436
00:15:35,708 --> 00:15:37,210
I am the main character.
437
00:15:37,310 --> 00:15:45,985
I do the, ah, sophisticated comedy, not that
puppet material like punch and, ah-- ah-- Judy.
438
00:15:46,085 --> 00:15:47,553
Don't you think I know that.
439
00:15:50,156 --> 00:15:51,023
He better not hit me again.
440
00:15:51,124 --> 00:15:52,458
I'm not kidding you now.
441
00:15:52,558 --> 00:15:57,730
But he's-- need to understand, he's
merely trying to show you how real he is.
442
00:15:57,830 --> 00:16:00,199
Well, I'm real too and my head's start to hurt.
443
00:16:00,299 --> 00:16:03,436
Well, ah, Mr. Petrie, now one very important thing.
444
00:16:03,536 --> 00:16:06,272
On this new hour format, I would like very much
445
00:16:06,372 --> 00:16:10,176
to do some topical material and also some controversial things.
446
00:16:10,276 --> 00:16:13,246
[chuckles] Do you think the world
is ready for a controversial snail?
447
00:16:17,116 --> 00:16:19,418
The world is ready for anything that's done well.
448
00:16:19,519 --> 00:16:21,854
That's why I was so delighted by the prospect of meeting you.
449
00:16:21,954 --> 00:16:23,256
Well, thank you. That's very nice.
450
00:16:23,356 --> 00:16:26,159
Ah, naturally, we're prepared to
offer more than Alan Brady was paying.
451
00:16:26,259 --> 00:16:27,793
Ooh, that's sounds pretty good.
452
00:16:27,894 --> 00:16:30,763
Hey, what would you say to 10% as an increase?
453
00:16:30,863 --> 00:16:32,064
Wow.
454
00:16:32,165 --> 00:16:34,167
You could have gotten him for five, dummy.
455
00:16:34,267 --> 00:16:36,202
Well, I'm just absolutely delighted.
456
00:16:36,302 --> 00:16:38,604
I can hardly wait to work with you and your staff.
457
00:16:38,704 --> 00:16:42,475
And I hope you took no offense at anything that
Jelly Bean might have said. That's the way he is.
458
00:16:42,575 --> 00:16:43,509
No, I understand.
459
00:16:43,609 --> 00:16:44,977
Well, what do you think, Rob?
460
00:16:45,077 --> 00:16:47,313
Well, I tell you,
I have to talk to Buddy and Sally tonight.
461
00:16:47,413 --> 00:16:48,714
Oh, yes, you do that and then get back to us.
462
00:16:48,814 --> 00:16:50,616
I'd like very much to work with you.
463
00:16:50,716 --> 00:16:51,984
I-- I like your style.
464
00:16:52,084 --> 00:16:55,588
Oh, thank-- I admire your antenna.
465
00:16:55,688 --> 00:16:57,156
Well, then grab one and shake.
466
00:16:57,256 --> 00:16:58,491
OK.
467
00:16:58,591 --> 00:17:00,293
My, what a weak handshake.
468
00:17:00,393 --> 00:17:01,060
Eh, Jelly Bean.
469
00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:02,195
Jelly Bean, please.
470
00:17:02,295 --> 00:17:03,196
Give us a kiss.
471
00:17:03,296 --> 00:17:04,197
No.
472
00:17:04,297 --> 00:17:07,733
I do wish to apologize for Jelly Bean,
but I've had such a bad, bad day.
473
00:17:07,833 --> 00:17:08,634
I understand.
474
00:17:08,734 --> 00:17:09,936
He understands.
475
00:17:10,036 --> 00:17:11,537
He and I have a relationship, isn't that so?
476
00:17:11,637 --> 00:17:12,805
Well, I think so.
477
00:17:12,905 --> 00:17:16,576
Well, I should be waiting most impatiently
to hear what you're-- Oh, enough of him.
478
00:17:16,676 --> 00:17:18,578
Comb my hair.
479
00:17:18,678 --> 00:17:19,779
The master speaks.
480
00:17:19,879 --> 00:17:20,913
Oh, that's OK.
481
00:17:21,013 --> 00:17:23,549
Well, so long, everybody.
482
00:17:26,552 --> 00:17:29,722
I just wish it hadn't been like a
Twilight Zone up in that apartment.
483
00:17:29,822 --> 00:17:31,858
He-- he kept hitting me on the head.
484
00:17:31,958 --> 00:17:32,925
Why'd you hit him back?
485
00:17:33,025 --> 00:17:34,260
You can't hit a puppet.
486
00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:35,361
Alan hits Mel.
487
00:17:37,797 --> 00:17:38,931
Well, I don't know.
488
00:17:39,031 --> 00:17:40,933
Maybe we're making a mistake.
489
00:17:41,033 --> 00:17:44,503
This ventriloquist sounds like he
has a split personality or something.
490
00:17:44,604 --> 00:17:47,506
I mean with Alan, at least we know he's crazy all the time.
491
00:17:47,607 --> 00:17:48,975
Hey, look.
492
00:17:49,075 --> 00:17:53,913
I know that this is basically you three's
problem-- the three of you's, ah-- ah--
493
00:17:54,013 --> 00:17:55,381
Who's working your mouth?
494
00:17:55,481 --> 00:17:57,450
Would just me threes, us threes problem-- go ahead.
495
00:17:57,550 --> 00:17:59,051
Yeah, it's your problem.
496
00:17:59,151 --> 00:18:02,755
But I know you guys, you're not gonna be
happy writing jokes for a piece of cloth.
497
00:18:02,855 --> 00:18:04,056
What do you mean?
498
00:18:04,156 --> 00:18:09,428
I mean, it's a big job on the variety show, and he
offered it at 10% more than we're making right now.
499
00:18:09,528 --> 00:18:10,463
Sure.
500
00:18:10,563 --> 00:18:11,898
What's wrong with working for a snail?
501
00:18:11,998 --> 00:18:14,767
Snail herder do it all the time.
502
00:18:14,867 --> 00:18:16,135
Well, it's all academic anyway.
503
00:18:16,235 --> 00:18:18,938
If the thing that doesn't work out with Alan,
this is the only mid-season show open.
504
00:18:19,038 --> 00:18:20,640
[phone rings]
505
00:18:20,740 --> 00:18:21,807
I don't know.
506
00:18:21,908 --> 00:18:22,875
I've been a ghostwriter.
507
00:18:22,975 --> 00:18:26,412
I guess I can be a snail writer.
508
00:18:26,512 --> 00:18:28,214
Hello.
509
00:18:28,314 --> 00:18:29,749
Who?
510
00:18:29,849 --> 00:18:31,450
Ah, just a moment, please.
511
00:18:31,550 --> 00:18:32,518
Darling, it's for you.
512
00:18:32,618 --> 00:18:33,786
It's Jelly Bean.
513
00:18:33,886 --> 00:18:35,221
Jelly Bean.
514
00:18:35,321 --> 00:18:38,424
LAURA PETRIE: How do you suppose he dialed the phone?
515
00:18:38,524 --> 00:18:39,659
Hello?
516
00:18:39,759 --> 00:18:42,094
Hi, Jelly Bean.
517
00:18:42,194 --> 00:18:43,429
Just fine, thanks.
518
00:18:43,529 --> 00:18:44,597
How are you?
519
00:18:44,697 --> 00:18:47,500
Yeah, I know you have to have an answer right away.
520
00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:48,768
Yeah.
521
00:18:48,868 --> 00:18:53,205
And Jelly Bean, could I speak to Claude for a minute?
522
00:18:53,306 --> 00:18:55,241
Come on, I know it's there.
523
00:18:58,477 --> 00:18:59,078
Hi, Claude.
524
00:18:59,178 --> 00:19:03,549
How are-- OK, OK.
525
00:19:03,649 --> 00:19:04,884
Just a second.
526
00:19:04,984 --> 00:19:06,185
Listen, he has to have an answer by tomorrow.
527
00:19:06,285 --> 00:19:07,753
They want to interview some other writers.
528
00:19:07,853 --> 00:19:09,155
I say we go.
529
00:19:09,255 --> 00:19:10,823
I don't think we have any other choice, do you?
530
00:19:10,923 --> 00:19:12,158
Hey, Claude.
531
00:19:12,258 --> 00:19:15,795
That said, listen, we don't work on something
with Alan tomorrow, you've got yourself a staff.
532
00:19:15,895 --> 00:19:17,930
OK, bye.
533
00:19:18,030 --> 00:19:19,398
Well, that's it.
534
00:19:19,498 --> 00:19:22,134
If Alan doesn't talk to us tomorrow, we talk to him.
535
00:19:22,234 --> 00:19:24,036
OK, let's get back to work on the script.
536
00:19:24,136 --> 00:19:25,171
Alan says it's too slow.
537
00:19:25,271 --> 00:19:28,774
Oh, well, if Alan doesn't like it,
we can always sell it to Jelly Bean.
538
00:19:28,874 --> 00:19:29,775
Sure.
539
00:19:29,875 --> 00:19:31,644
For a snail, slow is perfect.
540
00:19:35,848 --> 00:19:39,318
Hey, working on the script is like writing our obituary.
541
00:19:39,418 --> 00:19:40,820
This is it, fellas. This is it.
542
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:41,787
Alan said something?
543
00:19:41,887 --> 00:19:43,255
No, but he's going to.
544
00:19:43,356 --> 00:19:44,290
Marge, said he just called and asked were to find us.
545
00:19:44,390 --> 00:19:45,658
OK, let's get the jump on him.
546
00:19:45,758 --> 00:19:47,059
Let's start packing.
547
00:19:47,159 --> 00:19:47,927
- No, questions, let's pack. - Come on, let's go.
548
00:19:48,027 --> 00:19:49,228
everything, right now.
549
00:19:49,328 --> 00:19:50,896
Come on, Bud-- Buddy, aren't you packing?
550
00:19:50,997 --> 00:19:55,901
Well, with you two quitting,
I figured Alan is gonna need somebody.
551
00:19:56,001 --> 00:19:57,136
You're kidding.
552
00:19:57,236 --> 00:19:59,972
Well, look, if we quit,
we don't getting unemployment insurance.
553
00:20:00,072 --> 00:20:01,240
Shh, shh.
554
00:20:01,340 --> 00:20:02,775
I think Alan's coming. Let's act casual.
555
00:20:02,875 --> 00:20:04,110
Come on.
556
00:20:04,210 --> 00:20:05,478
How do you look cause with tears in your eyes?
557
00:20:13,519 --> 00:20:14,353
Morning.
558
00:20:14,453 --> 00:20:17,823
Morning Morning, Alan.
559
00:20:17,923 --> 00:20:18,958
So this is your office?
560
00:20:19,058 --> 00:20:20,192
This is it.
561
00:20:22,361 --> 00:20:23,996
Haven't been down here a long time.
562
00:20:24,096 --> 00:20:25,398
You've never been down here.
563
00:20:25,498 --> 00:20:27,533
Well, as long as I thought.
564
00:20:27,633 --> 00:20:29,969
Well, where's my Christmas present?
565
00:20:30,069 --> 00:20:31,504
ROB PETRIE: What Christmas present?
566
00:20:31,604 --> 00:20:32,738
ALAN BRADY: The picture of me I gave you last Christmas.
567
00:20:32,838 --> 00:20:33,706
ROB PETRIE: Oh, we got it.
568
00:20:33,806 --> 00:20:34,974
ALAN BRADY: I don't see it.
569
00:20:35,074 --> 00:20:35,975
Oh, well, it was hanging on a wall, Alan.
570
00:20:36,075 --> 00:20:38,344
It just fell down.
571
00:20:38,444 --> 00:20:39,478
ALAN BRADY: Let's put it up.
572
00:20:39,578 --> 00:20:40,279
What's the matter?
573
00:20:40,379 --> 00:20:41,747
Ah, my foot went to sleep.
574
00:20:41,847 --> 00:20:42,748
ALAN BRADY: Hang it up.
575
00:20:45,418 --> 00:20:47,953
There, brightens up the whole office.
576
00:20:48,054 --> 00:20:48,888
Mel.
577
00:20:48,988 --> 00:20:49,955
Yes, Alan.
578
00:20:50,055 --> 00:20:51,791
Who has a very bad sacroiliac?
579
00:20:51,891 --> 00:20:53,058
- Well, you do, Alan. - How bad?
580
00:20:53,159 --> 00:20:54,093
Very bad.
581
00:20:54,193 --> 00:20:55,294
Then why am I still standing?
582
00:20:55,394 --> 00:20:56,328
Oh.
583
00:20:59,098 --> 00:21:00,499
I don't understand, you guys.
584
00:21:00,599 --> 00:21:06,272
I give you everything, a beautiful office, a desk, a
piano, your drinking water, a coat rack, a filing
585
00:21:06,372 --> 00:21:07,473
cabinet. is that a window?
586
00:21:07,573 --> 00:21:08,374
Yes.
587
00:21:08,474 --> 00:21:09,775
A window.
588
00:21:09,875 --> 00:21:12,244
I give me everything and what do I get in return?
589
00:21:12,344 --> 00:21:13,646
[clears throat] A knife in the back.
590
00:21:13,746 --> 00:21:15,281
- A knife in the back? - That's right.
591
00:21:15,381 --> 00:21:16,582
- Shut up, Mel. - Yes, sir.
592
00:21:16,682 --> 00:21:18,617
I'm really, really surprised at you guys.
593
00:21:18,717 --> 00:21:19,552
Wait a minute, Alan.
594
00:21:19,652 --> 00:21:21,587
We're the ones that were
supposed to be surprised are you.
595
00:21:21,687 --> 00:21:22,922
What-- what are you talking about?
596
00:21:23,022 --> 00:21:25,391
I'm talking about your sneaking
into a dark alley to see a snake.
597
00:21:25,491 --> 00:21:27,259
It wasn't my idea, Alan.
598
00:21:27,359 --> 00:21:29,728
We didn't sneak into any alley to meet anybody.
599
00:21:29,829 --> 00:21:30,930
Besides, it was a snail.
600
00:21:31,030 --> 00:21:32,364
Snail, snake, what's the difference?
601
00:21:32,465 --> 00:21:36,235
To a love hungry snake, it makes a lot of different.
602
00:21:36,335 --> 00:21:39,305
Alan, ah, how'd you find out about Claude Wilbur?
603
00:21:39,405 --> 00:21:41,907
Wilbur's dummy told my dummy.
604
00:21:42,007 --> 00:21:43,476
Jelly Bean called Mel?
605
00:21:43,576 --> 00:21:46,312
I'm sorry, Mel.
606
00:21:46,412 --> 00:21:48,314
Wanted to know what your last salary was.
607
00:21:48,414 --> 00:21:49,448
Well, wait a minute, Alan.
608
00:21:49,548 --> 00:21:51,984
I did go to see about another job,
but just to protect ourselves.
609
00:21:52,084 --> 00:21:53,452
To protect yourselves?
610
00:21:53,552 --> 00:21:55,321
Whatever happened to gratitude?
611
00:21:55,421 --> 00:22:00,793
A man takes three fledgling dogs under his
wings and they turn out to be vultures.
612
00:22:00,893 --> 00:22:02,361
I don't understand it.
613
00:22:02,461 --> 00:22:05,531
I give you everything and you want to quit me for a snail.
614
00:22:05,631 --> 00:22:06,699
A snail!
615
00:22:06,799 --> 00:22:12,071
I was a star when that snail was still
leaving a slimy trail on the driveway.
616
00:22:12,171 --> 00:22:13,272
MEL COOLEY: Exactly.
617
00:22:13,372 --> 00:22:14,874
We didn't take the job yet.
618
00:22:14,974 --> 00:22:16,742
No, you just went out to see if you can get a better offer.
619
00:22:16,842 --> 00:22:18,744
I could cry.
620
00:22:18,844 --> 00:22:19,845
I'm not gonna cry.
621
00:22:22,515 --> 00:22:27,953
SALLY ROGERS: Alan, we only inquired about
the job because we want to stay together.
622
00:22:28,053 --> 00:22:28,988
Who's separating you?
623
00:22:29,088 --> 00:22:31,257
Well, you are, aren't you?
624
00:22:31,357 --> 00:22:32,691
What are they talking about?
625
00:22:32,791 --> 00:22:33,893
Mel, I don't understand what they're talking about.
626
00:22:33,993 --> 00:22:35,828
No, Alan, I-- Shut up.
627
00:22:35,928 --> 00:22:38,230
You couldn't possibly understand anything I don't.
628
00:22:38,330 --> 00:22:39,865
Now what do you mean, Rob?
629
00:22:39,965 --> 00:22:43,202
Well, ah, Alan, I'll show you.
630
00:22:43,302 --> 00:22:45,704
This is what I mean.
631
00:22:45,804 --> 00:22:49,408
Where did you get this-- where did they
get this-- where did you get this memo?
632
00:22:49,508 --> 00:22:51,510
We found it in the basement, ah, going through the garbage.
633
00:22:51,610 --> 00:22:53,779
And you can't fire Sally and Buddy.
634
00:22:53,879 --> 00:22:55,047
If one leaves, we all leave.
635
00:22:55,147 --> 00:22:56,181
You found this in the garbage?
636
00:22:56,282 --> 00:22:57,449
ROB PETRIE: Yeah.
637
00:22:57,550 --> 00:22:59,552
You know why you found it in the garbage?
638
00:22:59,652 --> 00:23:02,221
Because that's what it is, garbage.
639
00:23:02,321 --> 00:23:04,790
The network sends me that same memo every month.
640
00:23:04,890 --> 00:23:05,824
Every month?
641
00:23:05,925 --> 00:23:07,159
We didn't know that, Alan.
642
00:23:07,259 --> 00:23:09,061
You ought to go through the garbage more often.
643
00:23:09,161 --> 00:23:10,596
How can you ignore that?
644
00:23:10,696 --> 00:23:12,698
Well, when you're number seven of the national ratings,
645
00:23:12,798 --> 00:23:14,667
you can ignore things like this. MEL COOLEY: It's 17, Alan.
646
00:23:14,767 --> 00:23:15,601
Shut up, Mel.
647
00:23:15,701 --> 00:23:18,704
Until I slip below 25, I throw all
of these things in the garbage.
648
00:23:18,804 --> 00:23:20,406
- You didn't intend to fire us? - How can I fire you?
649
00:23:20,506 --> 00:23:21,740
You make me the best ad libber in the business.
650
00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:23,409
And what were you doing in the garbage anyway?
651
00:23:23,509 --> 00:23:25,244
We were looking for this week's script.
652
00:23:25,344 --> 00:23:26,879
Well, [chuckles] you were right about that.
653
00:23:26,979 --> 00:23:29,348
But you were a little premature, it does belong in the garbage.
654
00:23:29,448 --> 00:23:30,616
ROB PETRIE: You didn't like that script?
655
00:23:30,716 --> 00:23:31,750
I hated it.
656
00:23:31,850 --> 00:23:32,718
BUDDY SORRELL: I didn't like it either, Alan.
657
00:23:32,818 --> 00:23:33,819
You didn't?
658
00:23:33,919 --> 00:23:35,487
No, I told them all it needed a lot of work.
659
00:23:35,588 --> 00:23:36,689
- I don't understand this guy. - You see what I mean?
660
00:23:36,789 --> 00:23:37,990
I've been trying to-- - Shut up, Mel.
661
00:23:38,090 --> 00:23:38,991
He's still better than you.
662
00:23:39,091 --> 00:23:41,393
MEL COOLEY: Oh.
663
00:23:41,493 --> 00:23:44,930
Now come on, get to work and write me some
words that are worthy of my mouth or I'll
664
00:23:45,030 --> 00:23:46,031
fire you without a memo.
665
00:23:46,131 --> 00:23:47,900
Come on, Mel.
666
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:48,867
You got a date for lunch?
667
00:23:48,968 --> 00:23:49,902
No, I don't, Alan.
668
00:23:50,002 --> 00:23:50,903
Good, we'll keep it that way.
669
00:23:54,239 --> 00:23:57,543
Alan Brady may be a lot of things,
but he's certainly not nice.
670
00:24:01,614 --> 00:24:03,849
Well, listen, I wanna go to court.
671
00:24:03,949 --> 00:24:05,751
Are you sure?
672
00:24:05,851 --> 00:24:06,719
OK, Marvin.
673
00:24:06,819 --> 00:24:07,519
Bye.
674
00:24:07,620 --> 00:24:09,154
Hey, who's going to court?
675
00:24:09,255 --> 00:24:10,422
Jelly Bean was going to sue us.
676
00:24:10,522 --> 00:24:12,124
He said I shook hands on the deal.
677
00:24:12,224 --> 00:24:13,158
- Oh. - Oh.
678
00:24:13,258 --> 00:24:14,426
Are we in trouble?
679
00:24:14,526 --> 00:24:15,527
No, don't worry about it. We can relax.
680
00:24:15,628 --> 00:24:16,829
We're not in any trouble.
681
00:24:16,929 --> 00:24:20,833
According to a very well known authority, a
handshake with a snail is not legally binding.
682
00:24:20,933 --> 00:24:21,967
Oh, yeah, who said that?
683
00:24:22,067 --> 00:24:22,968
Walt Disney.
684
00:24:25,971 --> 00:24:30,776
[theme song]
50183
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