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[theme music]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey
Amsterdam, Larry Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
4
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Yeah, yeah. Well, OK.
5
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Yeah.
6
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Well, look.
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It depends on how late we have to work tonight.
8
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Yeah. Well, I'll try.
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Goodbye. - Hey, don't hang up.
10
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[snapping]
11
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It might have been for me.
12
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No, it wasn't.
13
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It, uh, was a wrong number.
14
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Well, so what?
15
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You don't have to know a guy to ask him if he's single.
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Let's break open the lunch. I'm starving.
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OK. Come on.
18
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I'll dish out.
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Come on.
20
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OK.
21
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Let's see.
22
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The cottage cheese and cucumber, that's mine.
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And Swiss cheese and turkey, that's yours.
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And peanut butter and jelly
on rye bread-- Rye bread?
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Sorry, Rob.
26
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Well, it's OK.
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I'll just pick the seeds out.
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Hey, there's no Russian dressing on my sandwich.
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SALLY: Well, I told him to put it on.
30
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Well, he must have put it on his apron.
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It's not on here.
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Let's see.
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Maybe he put it in separately.
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No.
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Hey, maybe he put it in the coffee.
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[sarcastic laughter]
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What good's turkey and Swiss
cheese without Russian dressing?
38
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Well, you'll soon find out.
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Oh, very funny.
40
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I noticed you managed to get your stuff all right.
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What right?
42
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I goofed on Rob, too, but he's not screaming.
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Well, he's eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
44
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What does he know?
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Oh, boy.
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This is just like eating a piece of flannel.
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Well, as long as there's nothing going on with my mouth,
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why don't we work on the last half of the sketch?
49
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We're two hours late for lunch as it is.
50
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Well, I can't eat this junk, anyway.
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Come on. Hey.
52
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I got an idea.
53
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Alan walks into a barbershop.
54
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He takes off his toupee, hands it to the barber.
55
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He says, give me a haircut and a shampoo.
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I'll be back in a half hour.
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The thing is Alan doesn't like
to remind people that he's bald.
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Well, come on.
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It's a good joke.
60
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Well, if you can't use it, it's not a good joke.
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Sit there and eat and criticize.
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Sure, you can do it. It's easy.
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Let's see you come up with something.
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Hey, Buddy, come on.
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What's with you?
66
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Well, yeah, all I said was I don't--
[phone ringing] - I'll get it.
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No, no. Don't worry.
68
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I'll get it.
69
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Hello?
70
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Oh, uh, yeah.
71
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Yeah, sure.
72
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Well, uh, look, I can't talk right now.
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Yeah.
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Goodbye.
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Uh, say, is-- is it all right if I don't
stay and help you guys finish the sketch?
76
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That was, uh, my mother on the phone.
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She wants me to come over.
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Well, nothing serious, is it, Buddy?
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No, no. You know how mothers are.
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- Yeah. - Yeah.
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Oh.
82
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Oh, look.
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It's 2:30 now.
84
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And by the time I get there with the traffic and everything,
85
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I guess I might as well stay and have dinner with Mom.
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Will that be all right? - Yeah.
87
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Don't worry about it. We'll see you tomorrow.
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Oh, OK. So long.
89
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OK, bye. SALLY: So long.
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So long, Sal.
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What's with him lately?
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I don't know.
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But whatever it is, I wish they'd leave him alone.
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Boy.
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Imagine making such a fuss over some Russian dressing.
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He's been acting awfully strange lately.
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Yeah, he looks strange, too.
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You remember the last time he had that look on his face?
99
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No.
100
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Because he's never had that look before.
101
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Yes, he has.
102
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The last time he had that look on his
face was when he walked out on his wife.
103
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Oh, Rob, you don't think--
Yeah, I do.
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He walked out of here with that same look.
105
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When, Sal?
106
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Boy, that's strange.
107
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No.
108
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No.
109
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She lives in Brooklyn.
110
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Oh, that's strange.
111
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That's strange, too.
112
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I don't know.
113
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Well.
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Yeah.
115
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Thanks for calling, Sal.
116
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Yeah, I'll talk to you in the morning.
117
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Boy, that's strange.
118
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You want to hear something?
119
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Is it strange?
120
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Yeah.
121
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You know how I've been telling you that Buddy's
been acting odd the last couple of weeks?
122
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You mean, he hasn't snapped out of it yet?
123
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No, he hasn't.
124
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He left early today, said he was going to be with his mother.
125
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He was going to have dinner with her.
126
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Well, what's strange about that?
127
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Sally saw him on 96th Street in Manhattan.
128
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His mother lives in Brooklyn.
129
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Well, what did Buddy say to her?
130
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Oh, he didn't see her.
131
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Then maybe it wasn't Buddy.
132
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No, it was Buddy all right.
133
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Something is definitely wrong here.
134
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He said he's going to go have dinner with
his mother in Brooklyn, and he ends up
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slinking around on 96th Street.
136
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Well, what was Sally doing on 96th Street?
137
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What does anybody do on 96th Street?
138
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They visit their psychiatrist.
139
00:04:10,824 --> 00:04:12,025
Sally's going to a psychiatrist?
140
00:04:12,125 --> 00:04:13,326
Well, only for dinner.
141
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Her cousin, Eddie, is one.
142
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Oh.
143
00:04:16,196 --> 00:04:17,831
Why would he lie to us about his mother?
144
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You mean, you think he's doing something there on
96th Street he doesn't want you to know about?
145
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Obviously, but what?
146
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Hey.
147
00:04:25,872 --> 00:04:26,606
What?
148
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I think I just said it.
149
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What did you say?
150
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Psychiatrist.
151
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The whole area there is loaded with them.
152
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You think Buddy's going to a psychiatrist?
153
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Could be.
154
00:04:34,747 --> 00:04:36,616
But why would Buddy go to a psychiatrist?
155
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Well, he would if he was having trouble with Pickles.
156
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Is he?
157
00:04:39,686 --> 00:04:40,687
More than usual?
158
00:04:40,787 --> 00:04:41,921
Well, yeah, it could be.
159
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That could be why he's leaving early.
160
00:04:44,824 --> 00:04:47,427
But if-- why didn't he just tell us then?
161
00:04:47,527 --> 00:04:48,661
Well, maybe he's embarrassed.
162
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You know, an awful lot of people
still feel that way about psychiatry.
163
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Yeah.
164
00:04:51,865 --> 00:04:52,999
Yeah, that could be it.
165
00:04:53,099 --> 00:04:54,300
Of course, you're only guessing.
166
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We could be wrong.
167
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I hope we're right because he has got some kind of a problem.
168
00:04:58,304 --> 00:05:01,808
Well, in that case, he's a lot better off
seeing a psychiatrist than his mother.
169
00:05:01,908 --> 00:05:04,377
Oh, yeah, all she can do is fix him chicken soup.
170
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[laughter]
171
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Listen, Rob, you don't, uh, really think
he's going to a psychiatrist, do you?
172
00:05:11,651 --> 00:05:13,386
Oh, come up with a better theory.
173
00:05:13,486 --> 00:05:14,787
Yeah, I guess you're right.
174
00:05:14,888 --> 00:05:17,891
I mean, he hasn't been his usual awful self lately.
175
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I just wish we could do something for him.
176
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All right. What can we do?
177
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Well, it might help him if he could talk about it.
178
00:05:23,897 --> 00:05:26,633
Well, you know, I got a feeling
he's dying to tell us something.
179
00:05:26,733 --> 00:05:28,301
Well, why don't we act like we're dying to hear it?
180
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Who has to act?
181
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Yeah.
182
00:05:30,637 --> 00:05:31,738
Oh, hi, everybody.
183
00:05:31,838 --> 00:05:32,805
Hi.
184
00:05:32,906 --> 00:05:34,107
- Anybody want a hot donut? - Yeah, me.
185
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I do.
186
00:05:35,408 --> 00:05:36,109
Boy, I knew I should have gotten more than one.
187
00:05:36,209 --> 00:05:37,110
Oh.
188
00:05:39,979 --> 00:05:41,180
Boy, you're pretty perky.
189
00:05:41,281 --> 00:05:42,415
You must have got a good night's sleep, huh?
190
00:05:42,515 --> 00:05:43,650
Yeah. I slept like a log.
191
00:05:43,750 --> 00:05:44,984
I must have.
192
00:05:45,084 --> 00:05:45,985
I woke up this morning, I was in the fireplace.
193
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[laughter]
194
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Hey.
195
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ROB: That's good.
196
00:05:49,155 --> 00:05:50,757
Why don't we work on the monologue?
197
00:05:50,857 --> 00:05:51,591
Oh.
198
00:05:51,691 --> 00:05:53,092
Why don't we just talk a while?
199
00:05:53,192 --> 00:05:54,560
Well, what are we going to talk about?
200
00:05:54,661 --> 00:05:56,829
Oh, I, uh-- anything you want, Buddy.
201
00:05:56,930 --> 00:05:58,064
Well, let's talk about the monologue.
202
00:05:58,164 --> 00:05:59,799
I got a great joke. Listen to this.
203
00:05:59,899 --> 00:06:04,304
There's this two big recording stars, but big,
and they fall in love and decide to get married.
204
00:06:04,404 --> 00:06:09,309
But I don't think it'll work out because
he's 45, and she's 33 and a third.
205
00:06:09,409 --> 00:06:11,377
That's a great joke, Buddy.
206
00:06:11,477 --> 00:06:12,779
[laughter]
207
00:06:12,879 --> 00:06:15,048
Hey, Buddy, you ought to leave early more often.
208
00:06:15,148 --> 00:06:18,318
I mean, getting away from us seems to do you good.
209
00:06:18,418 --> 00:06:19,519
Hey, that reminds me.
210
00:06:19,619 --> 00:06:20,586
Do you mind if I knock off early today?
211
00:06:20,687 --> 00:06:21,721
ROB: Sure, sure.
212
00:06:21,821 --> 00:06:23,356
You know, any-- is it your mother?
213
00:06:23,456 --> 00:06:24,891
My mother? What about my mother?
214
00:06:24,991 --> 00:06:25,858
Well, no.
215
00:06:25,959 --> 00:06:28,294
You left, you know,
early yesterday to have dinner with her.
216
00:06:28,394 --> 00:06:29,629
I thought maybe that's why you were leaving early today.
217
00:06:29,729 --> 00:06:31,197
Yeah. You're right.
218
00:06:31,297 --> 00:06:32,699
It's-- it's my mother, yeah.
219
00:06:32,799 --> 00:06:34,200
Well, you know-- you know how mothers are.
220
00:06:34,300 --> 00:06:35,335
Yeah. Yeah.
221
00:06:35,435 --> 00:06:36,602
By the way, uh, how is she, Buddy?
222
00:06:36,703 --> 00:06:38,271
Oh, she's-- she's fine.
223
00:06:38,371 --> 00:06:40,340
Better than ever.
224
00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:42,408
Uh, look, fellas.
225
00:06:42,508 --> 00:06:43,509
Yeah, Buddy?
226
00:06:43,609 --> 00:06:45,345
I'd like, uh--
Yeah, what, Buddy?
227
00:06:45,445 --> 00:06:46,646
What?
228
00:06:46,746 --> 00:06:47,847
I'd-- I'd-- uh, I'd like to use the phone.
229
00:06:47,947 --> 00:06:49,115
I got to call my mother.
230
00:06:49,215 --> 00:06:50,483
I'll be back in a couple of seconds.
231
00:06:50,583 --> 00:06:51,584
- Use this phone. - No.
232
00:06:51,684 --> 00:06:52,719
No, you guys are busy working.
233
00:06:52,819 --> 00:06:53,987
- We're not busy. - Right.
234
00:06:54,087 --> 00:06:55,388
And I don't want to hold you back.
235
00:07:00,927 --> 00:07:02,629
He almost told us something.
236
00:07:02,729 --> 00:07:03,997
- What do you think it was? - I don't know.
237
00:07:04,097 --> 00:07:06,799
Whatever it was, I think he decided
to tell his psychiatrist instead.
238
00:07:09,869 --> 00:07:14,173
C-R-O-W. That's nine points.
239
00:07:14,273 --> 00:07:15,541
I don't know.
240
00:07:15,641 --> 00:07:17,710
He came in this morning his old self, went out his new self.
241
00:07:17,810 --> 00:07:19,912
I hope those visits to the doctor are helping.
242
00:07:20,013 --> 00:07:23,349
Darling, the psychiatrist theory
is still just a guess on your part.
243
00:07:23,449 --> 00:07:26,319
Boy, whatever it is, I hope it gets him straightened out.
244
00:07:26,419 --> 00:07:27,320
Oh, my gosh.
245
00:07:27,420 --> 00:07:28,354
What?
246
00:07:28,454 --> 00:07:29,455
He left early again tonight.
247
00:07:29,555 --> 00:07:30,957
So?
248
00:07:31,057 --> 00:07:32,925
So, we're supposed to watch "The Dimwit Show" tonight.
249
00:07:33,026 --> 00:07:36,229
We're doing a satire on it next
week, and he's never seen the show.
250
00:07:36,329 --> 00:07:37,563
What time is it now?
251
00:07:37,663 --> 00:07:39,432
Oh, about 8:00.
252
00:07:39,532 --> 00:07:44,337
He's had-- he left at 4:00-- at
least time to get home by now.
253
00:07:44,437 --> 00:07:45,638
Pickles? Hi.
254
00:07:45,738 --> 00:07:46,572
Rob.
255
00:07:46,672 --> 00:07:47,740
Yeah, fine, thanks.
256
00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:49,108
How are you?
257
00:07:49,208 --> 00:07:49,909
Oh, good.
258
00:07:50,009 --> 00:07:51,644
No, she's just fine.
259
00:07:51,744 --> 00:07:54,080
Hey, listen, is Buddy there?
260
00:07:54,180 --> 00:07:54,781
Oh.
261
00:07:54,881 --> 00:07:56,249
I see. He's still out.
262
00:07:56,349 --> 00:07:57,650
He can't still be at the psychiatrist.
263
00:07:57,750 --> 00:07:59,185
Oh, what, Pickles?
264
00:07:59,285 --> 00:08:00,019
No, no.
265
00:08:00,119 --> 00:08:01,621
It wasn't anything important.
266
00:08:01,721 --> 00:08:04,290
We were supposed to watch the, uh, "The Dimwits Show" tonight.
267
00:08:04,390 --> 00:08:05,491
Well, listen.
268
00:08:05,591 --> 00:08:10,363
I'm sure he can watch it just as well
at his mother's as he can-- oh. Oh.
269
00:08:10,463 --> 00:08:11,597
Oh, no, no.
270
00:08:11,697 --> 00:08:14,934
Really, if he says he's at the
office, then he's at the office.
271
00:08:15,034 --> 00:08:15,768
Right.
272
00:08:15,868 --> 00:08:18,438
Well, I can call him there.
273
00:08:18,538 --> 00:08:19,772
Oh, did he say that?
274
00:08:19,872 --> 00:08:21,340
No, no. He's right.
275
00:08:21,441 --> 00:08:23,409
If he says the switchboard's closed after 6:00, it's closed.
276
00:08:23,509 --> 00:08:25,311
That's all.
277
00:08:25,411 --> 00:08:26,846
We can't call him, Pickles.
278
00:08:26,946 --> 00:08:30,083
Don't go down there, no.
279
00:08:30,183 --> 00:08:30,917
No. No.
280
00:08:31,017 --> 00:08:32,385
Uh, Sally and I will watch it.
281
00:08:32,485 --> 00:08:33,553
It's unimportant.
282
00:08:33,653 --> 00:08:34,754
Right.
283
00:08:34,854 --> 00:08:36,656
Nice, uh, talk-- talking to you, Pickles.
284
00:08:36,756 --> 00:08:37,957
Bye.
285
00:08:38,057 --> 00:08:41,194
Boy, oh, boy, did she sound disturbed.
286
00:08:41,294 --> 00:08:43,529
Well, I think you helped disturb her.
287
00:08:43,629 --> 00:08:46,199
You were talking crazy.
288
00:08:46,299 --> 00:08:47,033
Isn't it funny?
289
00:08:47,133 --> 00:08:48,801
She has no idea where Buddy is.
290
00:08:48,901 --> 00:08:50,336
Oh, come on, Rob.
291
00:08:50,436 --> 00:08:53,873
A man going to a psychiatrist, and his wife doesn't know?
292
00:08:53,973 --> 00:08:55,441
I guess a wife would know if he was.
293
00:08:55,541 --> 00:08:56,642
Well, sure.
294
00:08:56,742 --> 00:08:59,178
If she doesn't know, maybe he's not.
295
00:08:59,278 --> 00:09:00,813
Not what?
296
00:09:00,913 --> 00:09:03,382
What do you think not what?
297
00:09:03,483 --> 00:09:06,352
Not going to a psychiatrist.
298
00:09:06,452 --> 00:09:10,289
Well, then what on Earth would a man do that
he wouldn't want his wife to know about?
299
00:09:13,392 --> 00:09:15,695
Oh!
300
00:09:15,795 --> 00:09:17,997
Now, who's this?
301
00:09:18,097 --> 00:09:21,000
Well, would you like to leave a message, miss?
302
00:09:21,100 --> 00:09:23,703
Well, who shall I say called?
303
00:09:23,803 --> 00:09:24,837
Well, all right.
304
00:09:24,937 --> 00:09:27,907
But don't call for about 15
minutes because he's usually late.
305
00:09:28,007 --> 00:09:29,375
That's all right.
306
00:09:29,475 --> 00:09:31,711
You're welcome.
307
00:09:31,811 --> 00:09:33,146
Sal, I've got to talk to you.
308
00:09:33,246 --> 00:09:34,647
Well, in that case, I've got to listen.
309
00:09:34,747 --> 00:09:35,882
What?
310
00:09:35,982 --> 00:09:38,818
Who was the last person in the world you would
expect to be going out with another woman?
311
00:09:38,918 --> 00:09:40,286
- You. - Uh, after me.
312
00:09:42,855 --> 00:09:44,457
Oh, Rob, come on.
313
00:09:44,557 --> 00:09:45,458
Ridiculous, right?
314
00:09:45,558 --> 00:09:46,359
Buddy?
315
00:09:46,459 --> 00:09:47,493
Are you serious?
316
00:09:47,593 --> 00:09:48,895
Why, is it impossible?
317
00:09:48,995 --> 00:09:50,897
Well, for one thing, Pickle's wouldn't let him.
318
00:09:50,997 --> 00:09:52,999
That's not funny, Sally.
319
00:09:53,099 --> 00:09:54,500
Oh, Rob, come on.
320
00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:55,935
Buddy and another woman?
321
00:09:56,035 --> 00:09:58,304
That's-- that's funny enough to put in the script.
322
00:09:58,404 --> 00:09:59,739
I admit I haven't got much to go on.
323
00:09:59,839 --> 00:10:03,242
A few amateur deductions and one
phone conversation with Pickles.
324
00:10:03,342 --> 00:10:05,511
Rob, I think you got something else to go on.
325
00:10:05,611 --> 00:10:06,846
What?
326
00:10:06,946 --> 00:10:08,948
A phone conversation with the other woman.
327
00:10:09,048 --> 00:10:10,516
I think I just had it.
328
00:10:10,616 --> 00:10:11,417
Who was it?
329
00:10:11,517 --> 00:10:12,552
Well, she didn't say.
330
00:10:12,652 --> 00:10:14,120
And she didn't want to say.
331
00:10:14,220 --> 00:10:18,057
And what she didn't say, she said with a pretty sexy voice.
332
00:10:18,157 --> 00:10:22,495
Boy, I could believe it about almost anybody,
except Buddy Sorrell and another woman?
333
00:10:22,595 --> 00:10:23,896
Who would believe it?
334
00:10:23,996 --> 00:10:25,865
I don't believe it.
335
00:10:25,965 --> 00:10:28,267
Buddy-- Buddy's a joker, not a lover.
336
00:10:28,367 --> 00:10:31,070
Yeah, well, maybe they sit on a
couch and laugh at each other.
337
00:10:34,173 --> 00:10:35,508
And you know what?
338
00:10:35,608 --> 00:10:38,144
I even baked them some oatmeal cookies last night.
339
00:10:38,244 --> 00:10:38,878
Here.
340
00:10:38,978 --> 00:10:40,479
Have one.
341
00:10:40,580 --> 00:10:42,081
Boy, it's hard to believe.
342
00:10:42,181 --> 00:10:43,983
I could just kill him.
343
00:10:44,083 --> 00:10:45,484
Why don't you give him one of these?
344
00:10:48,354 --> 00:10:49,555
That bad, huh?
345
00:10:49,655 --> 00:10:50,523
Mhm.
346
00:10:50,623 --> 00:10:52,792
I got to get a new stove.
347
00:10:52,892 --> 00:10:54,460
I sure wish I knew what to do about it.
348
00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:59,098
Well, I guess there's nothing to do but
just sit back and watch a marriage explode.
349
00:10:59,198 --> 00:11:01,701
Good morning, early-birds.
350
00:11:01,801 --> 00:11:03,002
- Hi. - Hey.
351
00:11:03,102 --> 00:11:04,470
I just saw a terrible accident. Really?
352
00:11:04,570 --> 00:11:05,838
Yes. Tell us about it.
353
00:11:05,938 --> 00:11:06,772
All right.
354
00:11:06,872 --> 00:11:08,174
Here's what happened.
355
00:11:08,274 --> 00:11:10,109
This beer truck ran right into an ice cream wagon.
356
00:11:10,209 --> 00:11:12,278
All over the street, beer a la mode.
357
00:11:14,146 --> 00:11:15,348
You know what's the matter with you guys?
358
00:11:15,448 --> 00:11:18,618
You laugh faster than the speed of sound.
359
00:11:18,718 --> 00:11:20,052
Here. Have a cookie.
360
00:11:20,152 --> 00:11:21,254
They're homemade.
361
00:11:21,354 --> 00:11:22,255
All right.
362
00:11:22,355 --> 00:11:23,289
Mm.
363
00:11:23,389 --> 00:11:27,126
Just like my wife makes, rotten.
364
00:11:27,226 --> 00:11:28,728
That's not very funny.
365
00:11:28,828 --> 00:11:30,730
There's nothing funny about my wife.
366
00:11:30,830 --> 00:11:32,031
What do you say let's get down to work?
367
00:11:32,131 --> 00:11:33,366
- Yeah. - All right.
368
00:11:33,466 --> 00:11:37,370
Say, before we start, is it OK if I,
uh, get through a little earlier today?
369
00:11:37,470 --> 00:11:38,504
What, again?
370
00:11:38,604 --> 00:11:40,606
Well, yeah, it happens to be kind of important.
371
00:11:40,706 --> 00:11:41,607
Why?
372
00:11:41,707 --> 00:11:43,309
Or is it something personal?
373
00:11:43,409 --> 00:11:46,045
Well, yeah, it-- it's personal.
374
00:11:46,145 --> 00:11:48,214
You, uh, going to see your mother again?
375
00:11:48,314 --> 00:11:49,015
No.
376
00:11:49,115 --> 00:11:50,182
I saw my mother last night.
377
00:11:50,283 --> 00:11:51,584
And the night before.
378
00:11:51,684 --> 00:11:53,019
Yeah, well, you can't see your mother every night.
379
00:11:53,119 --> 00:11:54,353
You got to stay home once in a while.
380
00:11:54,453 --> 00:11:56,889
Oh, you going to stay home tonight?
381
00:11:56,989 --> 00:11:59,625
Well, no, not exactly.
382
00:11:59,725 --> 00:12:01,527
I-- I got this thing-- What?
383
00:12:01,627 --> 00:12:02,461
What, Buddy?
384
00:12:02,561 --> 00:12:03,596
Look.
385
00:12:03,696 --> 00:12:05,197
Everybody is entitled to have their private life.
386
00:12:05,298 --> 00:12:07,566
Oh, by the way, Buddy, this lady called earlier.
387
00:12:07,667 --> 00:12:08,768
Probably my mother.
388
00:12:08,868 --> 00:12:10,503
Well, uh, she didn't leave her name.
389
00:12:10,603 --> 00:12:12,672
Oh, then it was definitely my mother.
390
00:12:12,772 --> 00:12:13,973
- Your mother? - Yeah.
391
00:12:14,073 --> 00:12:15,408
She knows I know her name.
392
00:12:19,712 --> 00:12:21,180
Aw, I'm sorry I'm late.
393
00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:22,682
I had to get the shopping done.
394
00:12:22,782 --> 00:12:23,816
Hold that for me, will you?
395
00:12:23,916 --> 00:12:24,984
That's all right.
396
00:12:25,084 --> 00:12:26,419
I didn't wait too long.
397
00:12:26,519 --> 00:12:27,253
Hey, look.
398
00:12:27,353 --> 00:12:28,254
I remembered to bring the wine.
399
00:12:28,354 --> 00:12:30,990
Aw, Buddy, you're so sweet.
400
00:12:31,090 --> 00:12:33,392
It's easy to be sweet to sweet people.
401
00:12:33,492 --> 00:12:35,561
Come on in.
402
00:12:35,661 --> 00:12:36,829
Make yourself comfortable.
403
00:12:36,929 --> 00:12:38,364
Here, I'll put those away.
404
00:12:38,464 --> 00:12:39,365
OK.
405
00:12:57,850 --> 00:12:59,685
Buddy, come on now.
406
00:12:59,785 --> 00:13:01,487
Stop worrying.
407
00:13:01,587 --> 00:13:04,357
I don't like this sneaking around.
408
00:13:04,457 --> 00:13:06,025
I'm just tired of the whole thing.
409
00:13:06,125 --> 00:13:08,027
Oh, don't talk like that.
410
00:13:08,127 --> 00:13:11,230
Oh, I'm sorry, Dorothy, but I'm too old for this.
411
00:13:11,330 --> 00:13:13,032
After all, I'm a married man.
412
00:13:13,132 --> 00:13:16,001
Well, you know that doesn't matter.
413
00:13:16,102 --> 00:13:17,570
But you know, I've been thinking.
414
00:13:17,670 --> 00:13:20,139
Maybe the best idea would be to tell everybody involved.
415
00:13:20,239 --> 00:13:23,542
No, I think the best idea would
be to forget the whole thing.
416
00:13:23,642 --> 00:13:25,911
I had to go to Florida this summer and bump into you.
417
00:13:26,011 --> 00:13:27,646
Oh, don't say that.
418
00:13:27,747 --> 00:13:31,083
Well, if I hadn't seen you, why,
this whole thing wouldn't have started.
419
00:13:31,183 --> 00:13:34,153
Oh, Buddy, you can't just walk out now.
420
00:13:34,253 --> 00:13:35,454
This was meant to be.
421
00:13:35,554 --> 00:13:39,158
I can't believe our bumping into
each other was just an accident.
422
00:13:39,258 --> 00:13:41,026
Well, maybe you're right.
423
00:13:41,127 --> 00:13:42,628
What time will your husband be home?
424
00:13:42,728 --> 00:13:43,929
5 o'clock.
425
00:13:44,029 --> 00:13:45,164
I called and left a message at the office.
426
00:13:45,264 --> 00:13:46,665
Didn't you get it?
427
00:13:46,766 --> 00:13:49,835
No, the only message I got is that some
woman called and didn't leave a message.
428
00:13:49,935 --> 00:13:53,239
Oh, well, when I found out he was
going to be late, I called back.
429
00:13:53,339 --> 00:13:55,107
I hope I didn't make it embarrassing for you.
430
00:13:55,207 --> 00:13:57,143
That depends on who got the message.
431
00:13:57,243 --> 00:14:00,179
"Please tell Mr. Sorrell that Dorothy called.
432
00:14:00,279 --> 00:14:05,818
She wanted him to know that her
husband is coming home at 5:00."
433
00:14:05,918 --> 00:14:07,420
How do you like that?
434
00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:09,088
The other woman has another man.
435
00:14:09,188 --> 00:14:10,523
[whistling]
436
00:14:10,623 --> 00:14:11,724
Wow.
437
00:14:11,824 --> 00:14:14,794
I feel like I'm in the middle of a foreign movie.
438
00:14:14,894 --> 00:14:16,695
I knew something was going on.
439
00:14:16,796 --> 00:14:18,230
You noticed it, too, huh?
440
00:14:18,330 --> 00:14:21,634
Well, the whole office did,
even Alan said, what's with Buddy?
441
00:14:21,734 --> 00:14:22,601
[clicking]
442
00:14:22,701 --> 00:14:23,969
Oh.
443
00:14:24,069 --> 00:14:25,471
I find this most distressing.
444
00:14:25,571 --> 00:14:27,072
Well, I don't know what we can do about it.
445
00:14:27,173 --> 00:14:28,674
It's his own private business.
446
00:14:28,774 --> 00:14:30,843
Well, it's not going through our switchboard.
447
00:14:30,943 --> 00:14:32,545
This is a family show.
448
00:14:32,645 --> 00:14:38,284
I have a good mind to not give him this message and--
and let Dorothy's husband walk in and catch him.
449
00:14:38,384 --> 00:14:41,520
Boy, no wonder Buddy calls you Mr Nice Guy.
450
00:14:41,620 --> 00:14:44,557
Well, you certainly don't condone
this sort of thing, do you?
451
00:14:44,657 --> 00:14:45,691
Of course not, Mel.
452
00:14:45,791 --> 00:14:48,027
Somebody's going to have to sit down
with Buddy and talk some sense into him.
453
00:14:48,127 --> 00:14:49,395
Well, it won't be me.
454
00:14:49,495 --> 00:14:51,497
I can't talk to him at all.
455
00:14:51,597 --> 00:14:52,198
Shocking.
456
00:14:52,298 --> 00:14:55,501
Absolutely shocking.
457
00:14:55,601 --> 00:14:56,969
Well, Rob?
458
00:14:57,069 --> 00:14:58,571
I guess you're elected.
459
00:14:58,671 --> 00:15:00,606
You're the one that's going to have to straighten Buddy out.
460
00:15:00,706 --> 00:15:01,707
Oh, no, not me.
461
00:15:01,807 --> 00:15:03,242
Well, you don't expect me?
462
00:15:03,342 --> 00:15:05,778
You know, somebody else is going to straighten
him out before we get to him. - Who?
463
00:15:05,878 --> 00:15:06,745
Dorothy's husband.
464
00:15:06,846 --> 00:15:08,414
It's almost 5 o'clock now.
465
00:15:24,430 --> 00:15:28,834
[rustling from another room]
466
00:15:28,934 --> 00:15:30,669
What are you doing here?
467
00:15:30,769 --> 00:15:31,904
DOROTHY: Leon.
468
00:15:32,004 --> 00:15:34,206
What is he doing here?
469
00:15:34,306 --> 00:15:35,241
I'm supposed to be here.
470
00:15:35,341 --> 00:15:36,141
It's 5 o'clock.
471
00:15:36,242 --> 00:15:37,776
5 o'clock?
472
00:15:37,877 --> 00:15:40,246
Oh, my watch must have stopped.
473
00:15:40,346 --> 00:15:41,847
I'm terribly sorry, Buddy. Come.
474
00:15:41,947 --> 00:15:42,748
Let's get to work.
475
00:15:42,848 --> 00:15:43,682
All right.
476
00:15:43,782 --> 00:15:45,918
Anything you say, rabbi.
477
00:15:46,018 --> 00:15:49,188
Hello, darling.
478
00:15:49,288 --> 00:15:50,789
I'll leave you two gentlemen alone.
479
00:15:50,890 --> 00:15:51,924
Thank you, darling.
480
00:15:52,024 --> 00:15:54,860
Gee, I hope I'll be able to
learn all that stuff by Saturday.
481
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:56,128
You better, Bud.
482
00:15:56,228 --> 00:15:58,130
There are no cue cards in the synagogue.
483
00:15:58,230 --> 00:15:59,431
I know.
484
00:16:03,969 --> 00:16:06,639
[speaking hebrew]
485
00:16:06,739 --> 00:16:07,573
No, no.
486
00:16:07,673 --> 00:16:09,775
Listen to the way I say it, Buddy.
487
00:16:09,875 --> 00:16:11,744
[speaking hebrew]
488
00:16:16,081 --> 00:16:17,082
Fine. Fine.
489
00:16:17,183 --> 00:16:18,217
Much better.
490
00:16:18,317 --> 00:16:19,718
By George, I think I've got it.
491
00:16:21,987 --> 00:16:24,790
Give bar mitzvah lessons to a comedy writer.
492
00:16:24,890 --> 00:16:25,724
Sorry, rabbi.
493
00:16:25,824 --> 00:16:26,525
I just couldn't resist.
494
00:16:26,625 --> 00:16:27,826
No, don't apologize, Buddy.
495
00:16:27,927 --> 00:16:30,963
There's nothing wrong with a little
humor, even in confirmation lessons.
496
00:16:31,063 --> 00:16:31,997
[door opening]
497
00:16:32,097 --> 00:16:33,165
How did the lesson go today?
498
00:16:33,265 --> 00:16:34,533
Buddy is doing just fine, darling.
499
00:16:34,633 --> 00:16:35,734
Good.
500
00:16:35,834 --> 00:16:38,304
The only trouble is he started 30 years too late.
501
00:16:38,404 --> 00:16:42,107
Well, it isn't my fault. It took me
that long to save up for a blue suit.
502
00:16:42,207 --> 00:16:43,108
[doorbell ringing]
503
00:16:43,208 --> 00:16:44,043
Would you get that?
504
00:16:44,143 --> 00:16:45,978
I'll get it.
505
00:16:46,078 --> 00:16:47,279
[clearing throat]
506
00:16:47,379 --> 00:16:48,180
Oh, hi, David.
507
00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:49,448
You're right on time.
508
00:16:49,548 --> 00:16:50,849
Rabbi will be ready for you in a minute.
509
00:16:50,950 --> 00:16:51,884
LEON: Hello, David.
510
00:16:51,984 --> 00:16:53,018
Come here, David.
511
00:16:53,118 --> 00:16:54,119
I want you to meet Buddy Sorrell.
512
00:16:54,219 --> 00:16:55,955
Buddy, this is David Feldman.
513
00:16:56,055 --> 00:16:56,922
Hello, Mr. Sorrell.
514
00:16:57,022 --> 00:16:58,390
Hi, David.
515
00:16:58,490 --> 00:17:00,626
Buddy is going to be bar mitzvahed with you, David.
516
00:17:00,726 --> 00:17:02,061
Don't look at me like that, kid.
517
00:17:02,161 --> 00:17:05,364
I just happen to be big for my age.
518
00:17:05,464 --> 00:17:07,299
Well, I'll see you on Saturday, rabbi.
519
00:17:07,399 --> 00:17:08,634
All right, Buddy.
520
00:17:08,734 --> 00:17:10,235
Gee, I sure hope I can learn all this by then.
521
00:17:10,336 --> 00:17:11,670
LEON: Don't worry.
522
00:17:11,770 --> 00:17:14,974
Oh, by the way, David,
you want to get in good with the rabbi?
523
00:17:15,074 --> 00:17:16,241
Sure.
524
00:17:16,342 --> 00:17:17,843
Next time you come, forget the pigskin.
525
00:17:21,313 --> 00:17:22,848
[door closing]
526
00:17:24,650 --> 00:17:25,284
Rabbi?
527
00:17:25,384 --> 00:17:26,552
Yes, David?
528
00:17:26,652 --> 00:17:29,355
That man who was just here, Mr. Sorrell?
529
00:17:29,455 --> 00:17:31,056
Is he really being confirmed?
530
00:17:31,156 --> 00:17:32,458
Yes, he is.
531
00:17:32,558 --> 00:17:34,126
An old man like that?
532
00:17:34,226 --> 00:17:36,795
Now, David, Mr. Sorrell is not an old man.
533
00:17:36,895 --> 00:17:40,132
Actually, he's only a little younger than I am.
534
00:17:40,232 --> 00:17:43,102
But I thought everybody got bar
mitzvahed when they were 13.
535
00:17:43,202 --> 00:17:44,403
Well, that's true, David.
536
00:17:44,503 --> 00:17:46,872
But you see, Mr. Sorrell is an unusual case.
537
00:17:46,972 --> 00:17:50,376
When he was 13, his family was very poor.
538
00:17:50,476 --> 00:17:53,245
And he had to go out to work and help support them.
539
00:17:53,345 --> 00:17:58,517
Now, as a special present for his mother,
he's finally going to be bar mitzvahed.
540
00:17:58,617 --> 00:18:01,453
Gee, rabbi, can I wait till I'm his age?
541
00:18:03,722 --> 00:18:08,427
At the rate you are learning, David,
you are lucky if you'll know it by then.
542
00:18:08,527 --> 00:18:09,828
Now, let's get to work.
543
00:18:12,197 --> 00:18:13,265
All right.
544
00:18:13,365 --> 00:18:16,068
Then we'll use that
joke for the-- Hi.
545
00:18:16,168 --> 00:18:17,002
Hey.
546
00:18:17,102 --> 00:18:17,936
What are you doing here?
547
00:18:18,037 --> 00:18:19,271
It's nearly 6 o'clock.
548
00:18:19,371 --> 00:18:20,506
Oh, I thought we might be working late tonight.
549
00:18:20,606 --> 00:18:22,074
No, not this little girl.
550
00:18:22,174 --> 00:18:23,208
I have a heavy date tonight.
551
00:18:23,309 --> 00:18:24,610
Huh?
552
00:18:24,710 --> 00:18:28,113
My girlfriend just moved into a new
apartment, and I'm going to help her move.
553
00:18:28,213 --> 00:18:29,415
Oh, gee, Buddy.
554
00:18:29,515 --> 00:18:30,816
Uh, Laura's expecting me home for dinner.
555
00:18:30,916 --> 00:18:33,085
I-- I-- I don't have to go right now.
556
00:18:33,185 --> 00:18:35,521
Yeah, I'll, uh, see you boys in the morning, right?
557
00:18:35,621 --> 00:18:36,488
Good night, Buddy.
558
00:18:36,588 --> 00:18:37,423
Good night, Sal.
559
00:18:37,523 --> 00:18:40,192
Good luck, Rob.
560
00:18:40,292 --> 00:18:41,927
What is that bit? Good night, Buddy.
561
00:18:42,027 --> 00:18:43,262
Good luck, Rob?
562
00:18:43,362 --> 00:18:45,664
It just kind of turns out that way sometimes.
563
00:18:45,764 --> 00:18:48,367
Look, Rob, you don't have to hang around on my account.
564
00:18:48,467 --> 00:18:51,203
I just felt kind of guilty because
I've been leaving so early every day.
565
00:18:51,303 --> 00:18:53,072
Oh, Buddy, the work doesn't bother me.
566
00:18:53,172 --> 00:18:54,640
It-- it's something else.
567
00:18:54,740 --> 00:18:55,340
Oh?
568
00:18:55,441 --> 00:18:56,341
Something personal?
569
00:18:56,442 --> 00:18:57,342
Well, yeah.
570
00:18:57,443 --> 00:18:58,610
You could say it's personal.
571
00:18:58,711 --> 00:19:01,714
Want to talk about it?
572
00:19:01,814 --> 00:19:02,481
Yeah.
573
00:19:02,581 --> 00:19:03,949
I'd like to talk about it.
574
00:19:04,049 --> 00:19:04,883
Well, go ahead.
575
00:19:04,983 --> 00:19:05,984
We're friends.
576
00:19:06,085 --> 00:19:08,220
Well, Buddy, I'd like to tell you a story.
577
00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:09,621
BUDDY: Go ahead.
578
00:19:09,722 --> 00:19:12,891
It's, uh-- there's this friend of mine.
579
00:19:12,991 --> 00:19:14,560
He's a-- you know, a happily married guy.
580
00:19:14,660 --> 00:19:16,295
He's got a good job.
581
00:19:16,395 --> 00:19:19,198
Well, he-- he, uh-- he met this girl.
582
00:19:19,298 --> 00:19:20,499
You know?
583
00:19:20,599 --> 00:19:22,534
Well, there's a lot of that going around.
584
00:19:22,634 --> 00:19:24,970
Before long, he kind of got infatuated.
585
00:19:25,070 --> 00:19:31,243
And, uh, they started having secret rendezvous,
got involved, you know, and found himself
586
00:19:31,343 --> 00:19:34,847
lying to his wife, you know,
making up more lies to his friends.
587
00:19:34,947 --> 00:19:38,016
And it turned into a kind of an ugly mess.
588
00:19:38,117 --> 00:19:39,284
Yeah, I know what you mean.
589
00:19:39,385 --> 00:19:41,787
I thought you would.
590
00:19:41,887 --> 00:19:44,623
And, look, you know, this guy-- no matter how careful he was,
591
00:19:44,723 --> 00:19:47,493
couldn't hide something like
that from his wife for very long.
592
00:19:47,593 --> 00:19:48,827
Boy, leave it to wives.
593
00:19:48,927 --> 00:19:50,329
They've just got a way of getting to the truth.
594
00:19:50,429 --> 00:19:51,830
Right.
595
00:19:51,930 --> 00:19:55,000
Hey, this friend of yours is somebody we know, right?
596
00:19:55,100 --> 00:19:56,401
Yeah, very, very well.
597
00:19:56,502 --> 00:19:58,103
Jerry Helper.
598
00:19:58,203 --> 00:19:59,004
What?
599
00:19:59,104 --> 00:20:00,205
It's not Jerry Harper?
600
00:20:00,305 --> 00:20:01,206
Well, wait a minute.
601
00:20:01,306 --> 00:20:02,541
Is this friend of yours you?
602
00:20:02,641 --> 00:20:04,076
The friend of mine is you, Buddy.
603
00:20:04,176 --> 00:20:05,077
Me?
604
00:20:05,177 --> 00:20:07,045
Yeah, you and that Dorothy.
605
00:20:07,146 --> 00:20:09,415
Well, what-- what are
you-- Just forget her.
606
00:20:09,515 --> 00:20:10,616
She's no good for you, Buddy.
607
00:20:10,716 --> 00:20:12,417
- Don't tell me. - You're married.
608
00:20:12,518 --> 00:20:14,987
Well, don't tell me that you-- And,
also, Dorothy's another man's wife.
609
00:20:15,087 --> 00:20:16,455
Yeah, my rabbi's.
610
00:20:16,555 --> 00:20:18,457
You're running around with your rabbi's wife?
611
00:20:23,729 --> 00:20:25,898
No, I'm running around with my rabbi.
612
00:20:28,333 --> 00:20:29,802
Where did you get such a crazy idea?
613
00:20:29,902 --> 00:20:31,203
I've got to set you straight.
614
00:20:31,303 --> 00:20:32,571
I'm not running around with anybody.
615
00:20:32,671 --> 00:20:35,808
Well, what are you doing?
616
00:20:35,908 --> 00:20:38,277
I'm taking bar mitzvah lessons.
617
00:20:38,377 --> 00:20:39,411
Oh, Buddy, it's bad enough.
618
00:20:39,511 --> 00:20:42,114
Don't be blasphemous.
619
00:20:42,214 --> 00:20:43,148
I couldn't be that.
620
00:20:43,248 --> 00:20:44,783
I don't even know what it means.
621
00:20:44,883 --> 00:20:45,984
Look.
622
00:20:46,084 --> 00:20:47,619
When I was a kid, I missed out on my confirmation.
623
00:20:47,719 --> 00:20:49,154
My mother never forgave herself.
624
00:20:49,254 --> 00:20:50,689
That's all.
625
00:20:50,789 --> 00:20:53,759
And she wanted-- well, I'm going through
the whole thing for her, the whole schmear.
626
00:20:53,859 --> 00:20:57,296
Well, you mean the phone-- the phone
calls, the messages, the meetings--
627
00:20:57,396 --> 00:21:00,966
Strictly kosher, the whole
thing, from every-- every angle.
628
00:21:01,066 --> 00:21:02,067
Why, even Dorothy here.
629
00:21:02,167 --> 00:21:03,602
I've known her since she's been a little kid.
630
00:21:03,702 --> 00:21:05,103
She used to go around with my brother.
631
00:21:05,204 --> 00:21:07,272
And then they split up, and she met this other fella.
632
00:21:07,372 --> 00:21:10,776
And they got married, and he turned out to be a rabbi.
633
00:21:10,876 --> 00:21:12,244
Oh, boy.
634
00:21:12,344 --> 00:21:13,445
Oh, boy.
635
00:21:13,545 --> 00:21:14,913
What a friend I've turned out to be.
636
00:21:15,013 --> 00:21:15,848
Oh.
637
00:21:15,948 --> 00:21:18,684
Boy, Rob, you don't think that--
Oh, Buddy, please.
638
00:21:18,784 --> 00:21:21,353
I feel so bad already for thinking
of what I was going to accuse you of.
639
00:21:21,453 --> 00:21:23,655
Just forgive me, will you?
640
00:21:23,755 --> 00:21:26,158
Well, how could you know that I
was taking bar mitzvah lessons?
641
00:21:26,258 --> 00:21:29,361
Why did you keep it such a big secret, Buddy?
642
00:21:29,461 --> 00:21:36,401
Well, it was kind of a nice thing to do, and I
didn't want to ruin my reputation as a rat.
643
00:21:36,502 --> 00:21:37,970
[laughter]
644
00:21:38,070 --> 00:21:39,571
Besides, I thought you guys would kid the pants off of me.
645
00:21:39,671 --> 00:21:41,240
Well, yeah, probably.
646
00:21:41,340 --> 00:21:42,708
Why didn't you tell Pickles?
647
00:21:42,808 --> 00:21:48,247
If she knew I was doing something nice for my
mother, she'd want me to do something nice for her.
648
00:21:48,347 --> 00:21:49,381
When-- when's the ceremony?
649
00:21:49,481 --> 00:21:50,315
Saturday.
650
00:21:50,415 --> 00:21:51,250
And you better be there.
651
00:21:51,350 --> 00:21:52,517
You bet.
652
00:21:52,618 --> 00:21:55,053
Well, I guess I should say, shalom, huh?
653
00:21:55,153 --> 00:21:55,821
No, no, no.
654
00:21:55,921 --> 00:21:57,189
You should say mazel tov.
655
00:21:57,289 --> 00:21:58,223
What does that mean?
656
00:21:58,323 --> 00:22:00,125
Mazel tov means congratulations.
657
00:22:00,225 --> 00:22:01,126
What did I say?
658
00:22:01,226 --> 00:22:02,094
Goodbye.
659
00:22:02,194 --> 00:22:03,028
Oh.
660
00:22:03,128 --> 00:22:03,762
Well, they both fit.
661
00:22:03,862 --> 00:22:04,696
Shalom and mazel tov.
662
00:22:04,796 --> 00:22:06,098
Let's get out of here.
663
00:22:06,198 --> 00:22:07,766
[laughter]
664
00:22:08,533 --> 00:22:10,269
[singing in hebrew]
665
00:23:00,652 --> 00:23:06,091
And now, members of the congregation, before
we conclude this bar mitzvah ceremony,
666
00:23:06,191 --> 00:23:13,398
we will hear again from the individual of whom we are
all especially proud today, Moshe Selig Sorrell.
667
00:23:16,268 --> 00:23:25,978
Rabbi, cantor, beloved family, mother,
dear wife, very, very good friends,
668
00:23:26,078 --> 00:23:28,914
a funny thing happened to me on my way to my bar mitzvah.
669
00:23:29,014 --> 00:23:32,117
It took me 30 years to get here.
670
00:23:32,217 --> 00:23:38,623
I want you all to know how grateful I am to all of you
for the love and devotion that you have shown me.
671
00:23:38,724 --> 00:23:42,928
And I want to thank the Lord for having
bestowed these blessings upon me.
672
00:23:43,028 --> 00:23:49,334
And I ask for His assistance and
guidance to make me worthy of them.
673
00:23:49,434 --> 00:23:54,406
Well, Mama, you waited a long time to hear this.
674
00:23:54,506 --> 00:23:55,841
Today, I am a man.
675
00:23:58,844 --> 00:24:00,912
LEON: Now, let us pray.
676
00:24:07,686 --> 00:24:09,154
Mazel tov.
677
00:24:09,254 --> 00:24:10,389
Thank you, rabbi.
678
00:24:10,489 --> 00:24:12,491
Buddy, you're the best bar mitzvah boy I ever saw.
679
00:24:12,591 --> 00:24:14,860
Well, I've been practicing for 30 years.
680
00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:16,862
I must admit even I was a bit touched.
681
00:24:16,962 --> 00:24:18,330
You were crying, Mel.
682
00:24:18,430 --> 00:24:19,231
So were you.
683
00:24:19,331 --> 00:24:21,633
Well, I'm allowed.
684
00:24:21,733 --> 00:24:25,637
You know, rabbi, this service is the first
time I've ever heard Buddy talk for 10 minutes
685
00:24:25,737 --> 00:24:27,639
without ad libbing.
686
00:24:27,739 --> 00:24:29,207
Well, why change the script?
687
00:24:29,307 --> 00:24:31,243
Those writings have held up pretty well over 5,000 years.
688
00:24:31,343 --> 00:24:33,712
Boy, I hope they made a good deal on the royalties.
689
00:24:33,812 --> 00:24:35,981
[laughter]
690
00:24:37,783 --> 00:24:42,754
[music playing]
48861
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