All language subtitles for Dont.Bother.to.Knock.1961.1080p.NF.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.x264-ACK

[upbeat music]

[slow music]

[horns honking]

-Goodnight.
-Goodnight.

Goodnight Mr. Ferguson.

Goodnight Mr. Ferguson.

Night Penny, night Brenda.

[man] I'll never make this connection
at Munich.

Nonsense Joe, you can always take a taxi.

The firm can stand it, look
have a good trip.

What about the exchange?

You've got your Deutschmarks, don't you?

Yes, but I can't speak the language.

It'll be fine when you're there
isn't that what you tell clients?

I hope you enjoy your trip, sir.

-Thank you.
-I'm terribly sorry, we're closed.

Oh, I just want to make an enquiry.
Just a little enquiry.

-A little enquiry?
-About a big party, 12 girls besides me.

Come in.

I'm bringing them over for the festival.

It has to do with
the Boston Ladies Literary Circle.

-You're a member?
-That's right.

Did you have figured me
for someone who couldn't read?

I couldn't see you in a circle of Literary
ladies, in Boston or anywhere else.

-You needn't bother to wait.
-[Joe groans]

-Something wrong?
-Toothache. Filling's quite loose.

I can't go, I shall have to see a dentist.

-Sounds psychological to me.
-It doesn't sound.

Come on Joe on your way.

One thing I'm going to do,
before I get on the plane.

You're going to buy life insurance
for if you don't survive the flight.

Well it'll soften the blow for my wife,
if it is a blow.

30 years a travel agent and he's never
been further than the Isle of Man.

I'm sending him to
the fleshpots of Europe,

you'd think he was being
dropped in the Sahara.

-With a compass and a chocolate. [laughs]
-[she sneers]

Still that's not the problem
at the moment, is it Mrs.--

Shoemaker. Mrs. Jackson P. Shoemaker.
Maggie to you.

Shoemaker. Sounds like someone
who went on the Mayflower.

You're right, my ancestors did
but I came back by jet.

Do you mind if I make a call?
Help yourself.

No. You go right ahead.
Say I just love your filing system.

Your wife?

Not quite… yet.

-Fiancée?
-I'll tell you tomorrow.

Hello Stella, love, how are you?

Bursting to see you.

Oh and darling for once,
I'm absolutely ready on time.

Hmm, hmm.

Right down to the last button.

Well for once darling,
I'm afraid I'm going to keep you waiting.

Yes I know it's happened before,
but it's business.

Yes darling, look, can we make it
at quarter past?

Alright. Order yourself a drink
and one for me too.

Yes I love… I mean I feel the same.

Goodbye, Stella darling.

-Nice name, Stella.
-Nice girl.

What does she do
when she isn't waiting for you?

-She works at an Art Gallery.
-Well here's to your future fiancée.

-Thank you.
-[she laughs]

You know what you said
about the Mayflower?

Reminded me of a very funny story I heard

while I was in Maine, last summer.

Now we were invited to these people,

who have a wonderful house
right on the beach.

[instrumental music]

[Stella] Next weekend down at your place.

I think it sounds terribly exciting Ian,
I'd love to.

-Would you?
-Of course I would.

I adore beagling,
it's one of my favourite things.

Darling, sorry to be late.

Oh, it doesn't matter at all.

I wasn't sure if you were coming or not.

-Stella, really I--
-So I asked Ian to have a drink.

And he said he would,
wasn't that sweet of him?

-Very.
-Ian's having dinner here too.

-Really?
-Yes and he's all on his own.

-Isn't that a shame?
-Yes.

Still if people want to dine alone,

I don't think it's anybody else's business
to prevent them.

It's entirely your own affair and I'm sure
you've got your reasons.

Yes of course.

Well cheerio Stella.

I enjoyed the drink.

-Cheerio Ferguson.
-Cheerio.

[slow piano music]

I think we could have
some more coffee too, don't you?

-If you want it.
-Oh I want it.

Yes, so do I.

Then I think I'd better be getting home.

[Ferguson] Look Stella.

We've known each other for two years
and what have we got to show for it?

No trophies in the trophy room, Bill.

-No stories for the boys.
-That's unfair and you know it.

It is not unfair and I do not know it.

I don't want to be just one more
in a long line of those you've loved.

You would never be that, Stella.

It so happens, that you're… different.

That's nice. Not original but nice.

-Do you mean you don't believe me?
-In a way.

Yes I believe you.

You can remove the hurt child expression
and replace it with quizzical adult.

If we're going to be adult,
we ought to behave like adults.

And how do adults behave?

For one thing, they don't limit themselves

to goodnight kisses
and chaste telephone conversations.

What do they limit themselves to?

Stella, let's go up to my place.

Oh they do, do they.

You're morbidly suspicious.

If ever a man deserved to be
morbidly suspected.

If there's one thing I can't bear
it's being overheard and overlooked.

It cramps my style.

With a style like yours,
a little cramp can be a very good thing.

Stella, are we going or not?

-It's a strange thing about human beings.
-What?

They take so long to make up their minds

to do what they wanted to do all along.

Not really.

Only human beings know
the joys of suspense.

That's true.

That's very true.

-Bill, is something the matter?
-Yes, I'm rather afraid there is.

Is it a secret we can share?

It's a secret we're going to have to
share. I can't find my front door key.

Office, car, safe, no front door key.

I always keep it in my trouser pocket.

-Oh blast the thing!
-Oh never mind.

-Of course I mind.
-It doesn't matter.

-It's not that important.
-It is important to me.

-You must admit, it's rather funny.
-[Bill] I don't think it's funny at all.

-Well, it's not all that funny.
-[Stella laughs]

You don't seem to mind a bit.

Oh I do… a bit.
After all, it isn't everything.

It's pretty nearly everything, believe me.

There's no need to boast to me
about your long, dishonourable career.

If you weren't quite
so embarrassingly innocent.

I'd take a crow-bar from my handbag
and break the door down, I suppose.

No look darling, I'll pop downstairs
and see if the janitor has a pass key.

[Stella] No, Bill.

-It's the obvious thing to do.
-Yes but I don't like the obvious thing.

Well at this rate, I'm going to be dossing
on the stairs all night.

You could always go to a hotel.

A hotel. Of course darling.
That is the answer.

I'll tell you what we do, we'll pop
into the car and run into the country

and look for some quiet
little country pub where…

Darling, what's wrong?

Bill, I never realized
what a thoroughly bad loser you were.

Oh, no, darling, I--

You don't care how you humiliate people
to get what you want!

-I think it's horrible.
-For heaven's sake, what's the difference?

All the difference in the world.

Ten minutes ago I wanted you.

Now I don't want you a bit,
not one tiny bit!

Stella, Stella wait.

[Bill] Stella, I…

It so happens that I have an important
golf match tomorrow afternoon.

I wonder if you'd have the grace
to conduct your romantic activities

within the privacy of your own apartments.

I assure you, sir,
nothing would give me greater pleasure.

-Stella wait, Stella wait!
-[door closed]

Why don't you go
into your own flat and keep quiet!

Oh why don't… why don't you?

I want to see you inside that door

before I know I'm safe
from further disturbance.

[door slams]

[Bill] Can you find me a single room
and a double scotch, do you think?

And get me Edinburgh 3459.

[receptionist] I think we might manage
that for you Mr. Ferguson.

A large whisky for Mr. Ferguson.

Maggie!

[Maggie] Hi Bill.

Hello Maggie. I've got great news for you.
Great news.

Don't tell me. You've done it.
You've got engaged.

Engaged. I've got disengaged,
disinterested, disgusted.

-You need a drink.
-I've just ordered one, make that two.

[Maggie] You'd better make it three.
What happened?

I lost my wretched latch key.
And we had a flaming row.

-So love's locked out.
-So am I.

-I've got to spend the night here.
-It's all my fault…

For keeping you late at the office.

[receptionist] I wonder if you'd
oblige me Mr. Ferguson.

Oh right.

[some ladies laugh]

[mysterious music plays]

Excuse me, I've got a date
with a powder puff.

-I'll be right back.
-Of course.

How you doing with
that number I asked for?

-They don't seem to answer.
-Keep trying, he's probably asleep.

[slow orchestral music]

[suspenseful music]

Hello Joe, did I get you up?

Well sorry but I'm afraid I've got
rather a disappointment for you.

I hope you don't take it too badly…

That's right, I'm going
and you're staying.

[laughs] I didn't think you'd mind.

All right Joe, see you
at the airport at noon. Bye.

Do I gather that you're
proposing to flee the country?

I've had it Maggie,
I've absolutely had it.

Women just aren't worth
worrying about frankly.

You're retiring?

I'm retiring from squabbles
and reconciliations.

All that sort of nonsense.
It's not worth it.

Excuse me, sir. Your room key.

Surprise. Surprise.

Where the devil did you find that?

You had it on you all the time,
in the turn up of your pants.

-Well I'll be…
-Jiggered, I know. [laughs]

Suppose you go and ring Stella.

-Ring Stella… I'm damned if I do.
-Oh Bill.

Look Maggie, there are
over 1,000 million women in the world.

If 1% of them happen to be attractive

that means there are ten million women
I could marry if I wanted to.

If you're gonna make
a selection from ten million women

you'd better be on your way boy,
while you still have health and strength.

And then you get the 11-28 from Innsbruck.

-Cutting it a bit fine, isn't?
-Nonsense, you've bags of time.

-Take a taxi.
-All right Joe.

-[man] You'll be back for the festival?
-Ok I will sure return.

-[announcer] Flight 897 to London.
-That's you. Have a good trip.

Thanks, by the way, how's the toothache?

Toothache? Oh completely cured.
Amazing isn't it?

-Amazing.
-[both laugh]

-Bye.
-Goodbye.

[suspenseful music playing]

[Maggie] Hi Bill!

Maggie, what are you doing here?
You're not leaving are you?

No, I just came to see you off,
and give you this.

-What's this?
-A present.

Oh Maggie, how nice of you.

[laughs] Insurance against
further disappointments.

-This way, sir.
-Right.

-Keep one in each pocket.
-Don't worry, I will. Goodbye Maggie.

Bye, Bill.

[horns honking]

He left for Europe this morning.

I'm sorry miss Napier, but there it is.

Well where do you think he'd be?

Oh here, there, everywhere.

Look, I suggest you write to him,
care of our man, Fred Gorham, in Austria.

There's his address.

You can tell Mr. Ferguson
when you write to him,

that I've got his address
but I'll not be writing to him, ever.

Good day.

[horn blowing]

Stella.

Ian… how nice.

Lovely day, isn't it.

Yes, yes indeed.

Just right for a trip to the lochs.

Yes… yes that would be nice.

[instrumental music]

[cheerful music]

I tell you another idea I had, sir.
It's what I term the madcap dash.

[Bill] I'm sorry?

The madcap dash for
the more daring spirits in the party.

You see they come for eight days
in the splendour of a mountain wonderland.

-Right?
-Right.

And then when they get here we have

what you might call
a supplementary optional surprise tour.

-Four hours in Venice.
-Four hours?

Madcap excursions,
into coach at six in the evening.

All night over the mountains,
Venice by lunchtime.

Twelve guineas, optional extra.

Once they get here, I reckon they
won't be able to resist.

-Don't you agree sir?
-I suppose not, after all they--

Might as well, exactly,
so if I may say so.

It appeals to what I call, the might
as well instinct, to coin a phrase.

I think I might as well
get an early night.

Wait till the end of the cabaret,
if you don't mind, sir.

The manager here is…

Is inclined to be touchy,

I know you wouldn't like to endanger
the block booking arrangements

which has proved advantageous in the past.

Of course not.

[cheerful music playing]

[upbeat instrumental music]

[applause]

Thank you Fred,
you've been very informative.

I think what I'll do is make a madcap
dash, to Venice myself tomorrow.

-Good show, sir.
-Pick you up again in Cortina?

So be it, sir. In that case,
I'll wish you a very bonne nuit,

and trust you'll have
a trouble free voyage.

[unsettling music playing]

[upbeat music]

[Fred] Mr. Ferguson, I thought…

You have our table, thank you.

Oh they always put the tables so
terribly close together in these places,

don't they?

-Don't they.
-What's the hold up, honey?

They put the people so terribly
close together in these places.

If monsieur would--

It's alright.
We'll manage somehow, won't we?

Good heavens!

-Surely it can't be? Fred, surely!
-Surely?

The very man we've been talking about.

-Isn't it so Fred?
-Oh yes sir.

Sorry, I don't recollect ever
having seen you before?

But we've seen you this afternoon,
on the golf course, didn't we, Fred?

Absolutely, sir.

And we both agreed that you're
the very man that we need to help us.

-Right Fred?
-No doubt about it, sir.

-I have your table sir sit down please--
-Why don't you join us?

It's very kind of you, but I have--

Thank you. I think this table
has a very nice position.

[waiter speaking German]
Bitteschön mein Herr.

-Oh thank you.
-[waiter] Bitteschön.

Well now, what can I do to help you Mr.…

Ferguson. Bill Ferguson,
and this is Fred Gorham.

Very happy to know you. My name is Coburn.

-How do you do?
-My name is Lucille.

Well you see Mr. Coburn,
we're both in the travel agency business

and having seen your magnificent form
on the golf course this afternoon.

We thought that you could advise us
on organizing a golfing holiday.

Well that's very nice of you

but I still don't know
what I can do to help.

Well, Fred, will explain the situation,
won't you Fred?

Why yes, of course, Mr. Ferguson.

[Fred] Well you see our idea was
15 rounds of golf in ten days,

with two completely free rest days.

With all the balls you can lose,
for 75 guineas.

My friend Mr. Ferguson here,
thought you'd be exactly the man,

to advise us on the type of course the…

deluxe traveller would
most like to play on.

Sure.

-Thank you.
-[Lucille] What for?

For just being here.

You know it's strange
to be so far away from home.

Tired, lonely and then suddenly
you meet someone who--

[laughs] Congratulations!

-What on?
-Your technique.

-[Bill] Dancing you mean?
-The deep voice, so sincere.

The pretence you are a little boy,
but very experienced all the same.

Alright, let's just be ourselves.
No techniques, agreed?

[Lucille] No technique.

You got a match?

-Your father?
-No.

-[Bill] Your husband?
-Not yet.

-Soon?
-Perhaps.

I suppose these mature men
can be quite attractive.

Yes, especially when
they have six oil wells.

I'm afraid I can't compete with that.

You might.

-Are you married?
-[Bill] Not yet.

Why not?

[Bill] We reach the moment
when we either had to jump right in,

marry and all that, or call it a day.

And you don't want to marry?

Not just now.

Especially not now.

[slow string music playing]

-Are you staying at the hotel?
-[Bill] Yes, are you?

Yes.

The view of the lake
is wonderful isn't it?

Yes, I'm on that side too.

From the second floor,
one can see the Krieger horn.

Our rooms must be quite near. I'm in 39.

We have 41 and 42.

Oh.

I see.

Poor Al sleeps very badly.

He has to take pills.

And when he sleeps, he snores.

A very loud snore.

It is nice having that balcony
outside our rooms.

Yes, it's nice sitting there in the sun.

It's nice in the moonlight too.

[soft music]

[suspenseful music]

[suspenseful music intensifies]

[snoring]

[snoring continues]

[snoring]

Well hello there, it's a small world.

Oh hello.
[laughs]

Yes it is, indeed.

I didn't know you were next door.

Nor did I-- I mean, yes, neither I.

-You'll never believe what I just did.
-[Bill] What was that?

I'm a guy who needs something
to make me sleep.

-I don't know whether you are.
-Yes, I am actually.

I don't know whether
you have the same thing I have.

That depends what you have.

I have red pills for sleeping and
blue ones, for pepping me up when I wake.

At least I think I have.

Because I just took three of the red ones

and I feel peppy as can be.
And that set me a thinking.

Maybe the blue ones are for sleeping
and the red ones are for pepping me up.

-[laughing] Anyway, we'll see.
-We shall.

Wouldn't that be crazy,
taking three sleeping pills.

-And find yourself awake all night
-[Bill] Crazy.

Could be the coffee.
Caffeine always keeps me awake.

[Coburn] But maybe the tablets
haven't won the battle yet.

Anyway, right now I feel so good
I could climb a mountain.

Well why don't you?

No, I think I'll just use up
these old balls,

and then sit here and watch
the sun come up over the Krieger horn.

[strike the ball]

[glass shattering]

Oh gosh, darn it.
I figure, I'll never lick that slice.

You could take three of the blue pills.

Maybe it was the blue pills I took before,

but if they're pep pills, I'd feel so
full of energy I wouldn't know what to do.

You could take six of the red ones.
No, you'd need to take nine, wouldn't you?

That would give the sleeping pills
a lead of nine to six.

That should be enough, shouldn't it?

Might be dangerous to exceed
more than the stated dose.

Might set up a chain reaction.

No, I guess I'll just have to
sweat it out here all night.

Say you don't play
gin rummy by any chance?

-I'm afraid not.
-You know any other games for two?

Well, I'm afraid I don't.

I know, all you want to do
is to get to bed, right?

-Quite right.
-Well don't let me stop you.

I won't.

-Goodnight.
-Goodnight.

Uh…

Well, I hope you took
the right pills after all.

-[Bill laughs]
-So do I.

[snoring]

[slow tempo music playing]

He's going to be up all night.

Poor Al.
And he wants so badly to go to sleep.

And I so badly want him to.
Come to my room.

No, I don't think so.
He might look in and see I'm not here.

-Tomorrow then?
-I'm afraid not.

By tomorrow night
we shall be on our way to Texas.

We are going to meet his family
and his oil wells.

Oh Lucille, promise me one thing.

What?

That if the family is too refined,
or the oil is too crude.

You'll come to me instead.

Oh Bill, that is very sweet of you.

But that's the sort of thing one say
and one doesn't mean, really.

But I mean it. I do, truly.

But I don't know who you are.
Where you live.

No that's very sweet of you but--

My name and address
and the key to my apartment.

Oh Bill.

That is one of the nicest things
that ever happened to me.

I never thought of it before.

Oh thank you.

No, you must go now.

Otherwise I shall be tempted
to run away with you.

You never know, we might strike oil.

Goodbye Bill.

Au revoir, Lucille.

[soft music]

[soft music continues]

[snoring]

[snoring continues]

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music intensifies]

[train bell]

[instrumental music]

-Have you got the marmalade, Perry?
-[Perry] Yes, Mum.

You know Daddy can't eat breakfast
without his marmalade.

[Dad] Got one Daphne, got one.

Three days old still better than nothing.
You got the marmalade, Perry?

-[Perry] Here, dad.
-[Dad] Good lad.

Can't eat breakfast without marmalade.

How was last night, Mummy?

-What dear?
-Last night.

[girl] The affair you went to
whatever it was.

Oh fascinating.

[Dad] I can't bear those things.

They go on all night and you're fit
for nothing the next morning.

Just as well you weren't there dear.

As long as you enjoyed yourself, my dear.
That's the best thing.

I enjoyed myself very much, thank you.

Personally, I don't think one does
that sort of thing nearly often enough.

[Dad] So long as you don't ask me
to sit up,

listening to lectures
on Venetian folk art.

I don't dear.

[Dad throat clearing]

[soft music playing]

[waiter] Signore.

[speaking Italian] Si signore.

I want to give this key
to the lady at the table there.

-I understand, signore.
-Without anyone seeing.

I understand completely.

If I may make a suggestion, signore.

[slow string music playing]

-You understand, signore?
-I quite understand. Excellent.

[gradual music playing]

[dramatic music]

Ah Gorham, there you are.
Where's our Sherpa, eh?

Don't worry Colonel, the guide will
be here in two shakes of a lambs tail.

Bad staff work, you know.

Oh hello Mr. Ferguson. Alright?

Hello Fred, yes fine thanks.

Not too worn out after
your Venetian blind, I hope.

That's the spirit.

Oh before I forget,
I brought you some mail.

Thank you.

[Fred] Uh…

One of our walking parties
is just going out.

I don't know if you're ramble minded,

but I thought you might
like to go with them.

I don't think so. Thanks all the same.

Oh Ingrid, there you are.

Hello Fred, I'm sorry I'm late
but I was oversleeping as usual.

[Fred] Oh yes, of course, may I introduce

Mr. Ferguson, this is miss Ingrid Lein,
who conducts our walking parties.

-How do you do?
-How do you do?

-Time to be moving, eh Ingrid?
-Yes, of course.

-See you later.
-Yes, indeed.

[Ingrid] Now is everybody here?

Alright then, let's go. Let's take off.

[cheerful music playing]

Are you sure you won't change your mind?

[Fred] Oh, is something wrong?
Not bad news I hope.

No nothing, doesn't matter a bit.

Just an old friend of mine's
just gone and got herself engaged.

It's the old flames that burn the longest,
that's what I always say.

Do you?

I wonder if you'd care to take a dekko

at the advance publicity
for the coming saison.

I don't think so.
I'll just go for a walk I think.

[Fred] Oh, she went that way.

In that case, I'll go in that direction.
I want to clear my thoughts.

Just in case you change your mind sir,

you can take the short cut
over the mountain path,

if you know what I mean.

I know, thank you Fred. See you anon.

[soft music]

[Ingrid] Over here and to the right
is the Klopfspitzen,

and right to your left
you see the Zugspitze.

[dramatic music]

-Behind this mountain--
-[Bill] Hey!

Hey!

I'm stuck!

Looks like there's
some chappie stuck up there.

It should be easy to get down from there.

May be easy for you my dear,
but we're not all as experienced as you.

[Bill speaking German] Ich bin "shtuck."

It's your bounden duty
to go to his assistance.

Turn to the left!

The left.

[Ingrid] That's right. Keep going!

To the left!

I can't! Sheer precipice.

If you won't go, I will.

I'm afraid you're not really
what's wanted Miss Bradshaw.

Don't worry, I can get this lot
back without you.

Thank you very much colonel,
I see I can trust you.

Alright, I'm coming!

[Colonel] Party prepare to return to base.

About turn. Quick. March.

Brave girl.

[soft music playing]

[dramatic music playing]

[dramatic music intensifies]

Oh there you are.

Exactly as I thought.

You could have easily got down
without any trouble.

Well I lost my nerve. I… panicked.
I felt I needed someone.

Someone competent,
and confident and… blonde.

You're a naughty boy, Mr. Ferguson.

Alarmingly naughty, I'm afraid,

but I feel much safer,
now that you're here.

And I would feel much safer
if we were down there.

Surely you're not afraid of me.

Oh no, only we have to get down
before the mist comes up.

-Time for a cigarette?
-No.

I don’ know what it is
but I feel a bit dizzy.

Perhaps it is the height.

-Don't you feel dizzy?
-Not at all.

It's alright for you.
You're a professional.

-And are you not?
-No, I'm an amateur.

Well I'm an amateur too,
I do this only in the summer.

In the winter I study music.

But now we must go.

Feeling dizzy?

Look.

[dramatic music]

-Don't move.
-I won't.

-Catch hold of me.
-I will.

To move can be dangerous,
when the weather is like this.

Sometimes it is safer
to not go down until it clears.

Won't they send a search party?

Not if we telephone from the refuge hut
and tell them we're safe.

Refuge hut?

Oh yes, sometimes people
get stuck all night.

[dramatic music playing]

[Ingrid sighs]

There really seems to be everything here.
Food, stove, blankets.

A bunk.

Two bunks.

It's very cold in here.

Why don't you go and fetch some wood
while I telephone the hotel, yes?

Right.

[birds singing]

[birds singing]

[speaking German] Vielen Dank,
auf Wiedersehen, auf Wiedersehen.

[Ingrid] Oh that's good.

[Ingrid] How's the weather now?

Well… it couldn't be better,
we could go back.

Go back? Oh no.

We couldn't go back
now that we've told everybody

that we're stuck up here.

No, we simply couldn't.

Yes and having made a nice fire,

it would be such a shame to have
put it out.

It would be a shame.

Yes, it is getting hotter in here,
isn't it?

Very.

Can I help?

Perhaps.

[dramatic music playing]

[dramatic music]

You are a naughty boy… Mr. Ferguson.

[dramatic music playing]

[Spanish guitar music]

[Spanish guitar music continues]

How's it going, dear?
The wine I brought you is for real studs.

-How long have you been away from home?
-[Bill] Too long it seems.

We've been three months,
that's too much for a married man.

What do you say?
She gets engaged to another man.

-And now she wants to marry him.
-Seems sort of logical to me.

Like to see what I gotta go back to.

-That's my wife.
-Very nice too.

And those are the kids.

That's Lulu and that's Windsor
and that's Wilton up the tree.

-Delightful.
-Marriage is a great thing for a man.

It keeps them, you know,
steady, on the rails.

Hey Joe!

How say we go that place down the road?

Yeah! Eddie says they do dance
in the nude in there.

-Come on. They got girls!
-You know girls.

[all] Girls. Senoritas. Women.

[Eddie] Leave him alone,
he doesn't want any women.

Can't you see he's love sick.

-[all laughing]
-[Bill] Excuse me boys.

Let's have another drink of that,
don't hog it all.

[Spanish music]

[in broken Spanish] Excuse me,
can I make a phone call to Scotland?

[in Spanish] But of course, my dear!

Here you go. Follow me.

[in Spanish] Hello, miss?

Can you patch me through to Scotland?

No, no, miss.

Not Africa, Scotland, Great Britain.

[telephone ringing]

Hello.

9347, yes.

Yes speaking.

From Spain?

[in Spanish] Un momento, por favor.

Hello Stella.

No, it's me, Bill.

No, no nothing's the matter.

I… just thought it was time
I rang and congratulated you.

And what a very good time to choose.

Sound asleep, yes.

Yes, of course.

Ian's such a wonderful person,
how could I fail to be.

Well as long as you're happy,
that's the great thing.

Happy?

Am I happy?

[Stella laughs and sobs]

Well as long as you're happy,
that's all that matters.

Stella… there's a terrible din
on this line.

It sounds like…

Stella, it's not you is it?

Darling you're not…
you're not crying are you?

If a girl can't cry when she's happy,
when can she cry.

Well darling, this is
absolutely marvellous, I'm so glad.

Well of course, naturally I'm glad.

No, I don't want you to marry him,
and you're not going to.

I'll tell you what you're going to do…

[Spanish music]

[shouting]

Hey, let's ship Bill home as a souvenir.

Stuffed Englishman in a glass case.

[laughing]

[crash]

Bill.

[Spanish music]

[shouting]

[woman preventing]

[ringing]

Hello. Hello. Senorita.

[in Spanish]
Yes, I believe so. One moment.

You silly idiots! I was just
asking a girl to marry me.

[shouting]

-Stella. Yes it's alright. It's me.
-[others shout loudly]

Of course I meant it.

I can… I can just about
make the last plane.

Yes, I'll be in Edinburgh tomorrow.

Tomorrow. The day after today. Yes.

Meet me at the airport, will you?

Darling… why not… at your flat?

Oh darling Stella,
I'll carry you over the threshold,

but I can't say where I'll put you down.

See you tomorrow, darling.

See you tomorrow, darling. Bye.

[Spanish music]

[cheers and applause]

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music intensifies]

Thank you madam.

[soft music]

[Stella] Darling!

Stella.

[Stella] Darling.

[Bill] Oh darling!

Oh Stella.

[neighbour clears throat]

[soft music]

[Bill] Come on.

-Darling, I missed you so.
-Me too.

Bill, isn't that a little premature?

I'm not going to let you run out
on me again. I've come a long way.

Don't worry darling,
I've waited a long time.

[Stella chuckles]

-Oughtn't we bring the bags in?
-Later.

-Bill.
-Later.

-At least put the flowers in water.
-Later.

Now, or I'll never buy you flowers again.

I will you.

Come on, darling.

[Stella giggles]

Oh Bill, look.

Where did those come from?

I don't know, must be Mrs. MacGregor.

-Mrs. MacGregor?
-My daily.

A lady of indeterminate age,
who sometimes dusts my apartment.

Satisfied?

[Stella chuckles]

[Stella] We really must put
those flowers in water--

[Bill] Hang the flowers.

If we go on holding them, definitely

they're bound to become an embarrassment
sooner or later, don't you agree?

-Just bung them in water, darling.
-Better get a vase if I can.

Later darling.

[water splashing]

Oh Bill!

Bill darling.

Stay where you are, don't move. Shhh…

-But darling, come.
-Stay in the bath.

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music intensifies]

-Bill, darling, what--
-Frightful thing, a pipe burst.

-Burst--
-Gas.

-What?
-Water. Must be the frost.

-Frost in August--
-I mean the heat… sudden expansion…

-What are you going to do?
-Get out of here.

Before we're flooded out.
We'll get a plumber,

there's not a moment to loose.

-Let's phone.
-No, we can't.

-Why not?
-Why not…

I had it cut off before I left.

-We'll phone from the office.
-Must we…

-Unavoidable, I'm afraid.
-Couldn't I wait here?

No, no, that would never do. I need
your help, bringing back the plumber.

Bill, it's so lovely to see you.

And you, yes, you are so alike.

-You must be his sister.
-I'm not his sister.

No. Oh you work at the office then.
Darling, thank you for the flowers.

Stella, Lucille. Look.

-I'm looking!
-There's a perfectly simple explanation.

-[Stella] There certainly is.
-[Bill] She's staying here.

Of course she's staying here,
doesn't look as if she came for tea.

-I mean borrowing the flat.
-And you too?

-You're being absurd.
-I'm absurd, what about you?

-I'm just as surprised as you are.
-I'm not in the least surprised.

Exactly what I expect of you.

With your record, you make Casanova
look underprivileged. Goodbye Bill!

[Bill] If you weren't so pig-headed,

and possessive and jealous
and unreasonable.

-Goodbye!
-Goodbye!

[Lucille] Here, my darling,
you'll feel better.

My poor Bill.

I know how it's like to get involved
with that sort of person.

Scenes, always scenes,
and you must be tired, sit down.

Thanks.

-[Bill] I thought you were in Texas?
-Al had to go to the Persian Gulf.

Damned unreasonable.

Not really, he had oil wells there.

No I meant--

Don't worry about these things,
she'll get over it.

Find someone else.

I hope not.

Is she the girl you told me about?

Yes, we just got engaged.

Your family has arranged it, eh?

Not at all, we arranged it ourselves.

Oh.

Lucille, do you ever get jealous?

Do you ever make scenes?

I don't need to be jealous.

-How do you mean?
-Well I never stay where I'm not wanted.

How simple you make everything seem.

Do you have a headache?

Umm… A little.

Oh poor little thing, let me help you.

There.

That's nice.

Now tell me about this girl
and all your troubles.

Well you see, she and I…

psychologically we're…

Some other time.

[bagpipe music]

-And it's all my fault.
-I never said that.

All the time I thought I was helping
to pave the way for true love.

What are you going to do with Miss France
when she gets back from her shopping tour?

-I can't turn her out.
-Why not?

There isn't a room to be had in Edinburgh.

We could squeeze her in
with some of my party.

-No, I couldn't possibly have that.
-Oh Bill, you're incorrigible.

-Well it isn't that I'm a cad Maggie.
-Oh no.

It's just that when
Lucille's in the flat I--

You enjoy being persuaded to be a cad.

[laughs] Oh Bill,
you're old enough to know that

you can't have your cake and eat it too.

Can't I?

No. Now you're going to your apartment

to tell miss France, she moves in here
with my party tonight.

-I can't tell her that.
-If you don't, I will.

-[chatter]
-Oh here are my girls.

[dramatic music plays]

-Oh girls, this is Mr. Ferguson.
-[group] Hi, pleased to meet you.

Hello.

I do hope you'll be very happy here.
If there's anything I can do.

Mr. Ferguson has very kindly
invited us all,

to the reception at the Art Gallery
this evening.

[chatter]

And now we'll go on
that little reconnaissance.

See if Miss Parlez-Vous has gotten home.

Bill.

-[she chuckles] Oh Bill.
-Oh yes, of course.

I thought you said
they were literary ladies.

I said the literary circle
was sending over a party.

These are the daughters and nieces
of the members.

Do you suppose he'll be at the reception?

Wouldn't you just love
to see him in one of those kilt things?

It makes me real mad the way the middle
aged women grab all the mature men.

Yeah.

Anyone about?

[woman] Just a minute.

How would you like me to introduce you?

Old pal, old flame, old Maggie,
anything you like.

-Right, fine.
-I'll introduce myself. How's that?

Splendid.

I, I'll just…

[knocking]

[Maggie] Hello.
Mind if I introduce myself? I'm Maggie.

Hello Stella.

Now look darling I… No, no listen.

If you will just listen, I'll ex--

I know she moved in.
But she's moving out now.

Yes, I've fixed her at a hotel.

No not the usual one. I mean,
no not the one I was going to take you…

Stella.

[Stella angrily shouting]

Stella.

Are you there?

That's really a very lovely,
little blonde number you have in there.

Really? Maggie, Lucille's a redhead.

Yes, well that's really a lovely
little blonde number in there.

You ought to get new filters
for your glasses.

Maybe so. But it's really
a lovely little blonde number

and she doesn't answer
to the name of Lucille.

You don't… she isn't?

Yes, unless I'm very much mistaken,
the gang's all here.

-[Ingrid] Oh Billiam!
-[Bill] Ingrid!

Billie, how wonderful to see you again.
Are you not pleased to see me?

Of course, ecstatic. Welcome to the team.

So you do not forget you invitation
that night on the Klopschpitz, did you?

No of course not. Excuse me.

[Bill] Maggie, don't go, Maggie.
Can't you see I need a chaperone.

What you need Bill, isn't a chaperone.
It's a twin.

Maggie, I…

Bill look, I've brought you some flowers.

Oh how marvellous, I'd better go and…

Sure.

[water running]

Well, well that's fine. There we are then.

Have you any idea how long
you're likely to be staying in Edinburgh?

I won't stay too long,
come and sit down Billiam.

-Of course.
-You're not sorry that I'm here, are you?

-Well I…
-But I think you are sorry.

No, on the contrary. I'm delighted,
just slightly overwhelmed, that's all.

Have you found all you want
in the way of towels and--

-Thank you, we've managed perfectly.
-We?

Oh then you have met Lucille.

Lucille, oh she is the one
who has the other bedroom?

Yes she is staying here
for a little while.

For the festival. She likes Schoenberg.

If she likes Schoenberg,
why doesn't she stay with Schoenberg?

Oh Billiam, you are a naughty boy,
a naughty, naughty boy.

Well you're not so goody goody yourself.

The way you left that tourist party
to wander on the mountains,

they might have fallen down a crevasse.

I had to rescue the injured Englishman.

-It was a great rescue.
-So you haven't forgotten?

Forgotten? How could I?

-[string music playing]
-Oh!

This sofa is so nice and soft.

Much softer than the bunk in the mountain.

And much more convenient.

[she sighs]

You know Billiam, the next time
we go to the mountains,

we take the sofa with us. Yes?

Yes.

-Nice Bill.
-Nice Ingrid.

Oh I wish there was no Lucille and no--

-[door opens]
-[man] Here I am!

What's happening?

[Ingrid] Oh Giulio, you have
finished rehearsal, yes?

And you have started rehearsal, no?

Bill, I want you to meet Giulio,
my friend. Giulio, this is Bill.

Don't be a naughty boy now.
The owner of the apartment.

Ah I see. I make the presentation now.

This is a small token of gratitude.

Thank you. Very nice of you.

I'll just go and put them in some water.

Where are you going?

Oh I just want to help Bill
with the flowers.

You are much too friendly with him, no?

I'm not half as friendly with him,
as I'm with you.

-Who's your Italian friend?
-Well… I met him in Rome.

You know he said he was
coming to Edinburgh,

to play in the festival and so I said.

I had the key to an apartment,
and I would come too.

Billiam, you're not angry?

No not at all angry.

But if anyone else brings me flowers,
I'll have to get another bathroom fitted.

[instrumental music]

[Bill] Can I get you a drink
before you begin the… begin?

Thank you. I don't touch alcohol.

But if you insist, I'll take
a milkshake strawberry.

I rather doubt if I have the ingredients.

You have a nice glass of water,
Giulio, yes.

My doctor told me never
to drink the water when I am abroad.

Now if you have not milkshake,
I have some practicing to do.

If you will excuse me.

-Ingrid.
-[in Italian] Right away.

[instrumental music]

This is Lucille Daumier,
who's also sharing the flat.

Ingrid and Giulio who are also,
sharing the flat.

-[speaking French] Mademoiselle.
-[Ingrid speaking German] Fraulein.

-Monsieur.
-[Giulio in Italian] Just a moment.

-You didn't tell me about them.
-Well I didn't know about them.

-You get rid of them, huh?
-Well I…

[speaking Italian then French]
Signorina, pardon.

[speaking Italian]

Art before all things, no?

Oh I like so much the French women.

Jolly good. And do
the French women like you?

You ask them.

[in French] Mademoiselle, you're gorgeous.

Giulio, please don't be a naughty boy.

-Now Bill tell him, be not naughty.
-She says be not naughty.

-What is naughty?
-[speaking Italian] Malo. No buono.

I am malo? One artist never is malo.

-[speaking French] C'est le métier.
-What's she saying?

-She said that's the way artists are.
-[Ingrid speaking German]

-She's not trying to steal anyone.
-[both speaking French]

Cigar. Who called me a cigar?
You tell her she "don't" call me a cigar.

-She didn't call you a cigar.
-I hear her say cigar.

I said "ce garcon," meaning bambino,
ce garcon, boy. You.

-She called my man a cigar.
-She did not.

-Now I tell you what to call her.
-I don't want to know what to call her.

[speaking French] Ça suffit…

[Lucille and Ingrid argue
in French and German]

Please… I am an artist.

[Giulio speaking Italian]

[Giulio screams]

[Ingrid] Would you please leave now
because Giulio is a great artist,

and he has to work,
in peace and in quietness.

Because he has to practice
for his concert.

-Bill would you tell her to get out!
-Haha.

Bill?

[chatter]

Can I help you? I'm Stella Napier.

Oh, I'm so glad to meet you.

I'm Maggie Shoemaker and these girls
belong to the literary circle,

but they don't know much about modern art,

and I was wondering if you'd tell them
a little about it.

-Certainly, Mrs. Shoemaker.
-Thank you very much.

-Follow me please.
-Go on, girls.

[girls chattering]

-Hi Bill.
-[Bill] Hello Maggie.

There you are.
How is the eternal triangle,

or quadrangle, pentagon,
or whatever it is by now.

Couldn't be worse.

I phoned Stella a dozen times,
now she doesn't answer.

The phone's no good.

The only thing that's worth a damn
is the man, breathing beside you.

I speak from experience.

Come on, this is your chance,
break the ice, break it down.

Break her down.

[Maggie] Ah there she is.
Safely surrounded by my girls.

-Thank you Maggie.
-On your way boy and good luck.

[Lucille] Hello darling.

Oh hello… darling.

Bill I don't seem to have the chance
to talk to you or be with you.

It's so difficult with all these
other people in the flat.

When are we going to be alone again?

-Very soon. I promise.
-I want you all for myself.

So do I.

If you'll just excuse me,
I have someone I must talk to.

-[Stella] Only the cool colours, you see.
-I say, Stella.

Sorry I'm busy. Now if you'll follow me,

I'll show you another example
of this artist's work.

I have never in my life
seen such crazy blues and greens.

Fabulous.

-[Stella] Now--
-[Bill] Stella.

-Can I ask you a question?
-No, you go away.

I don't see how you can object,
if I look at the art.

-Well then look at them.
-Yes ma'am.

I was thinking perhaps
you could take Ingrid out

for dinner this evening
and give her a good time, poor child.

Why poor child?

She sees so little of you,
you're always practicing.

Why are you suddenly
so concerned about Ingrid?

Because I like to see people happy.

Believe me Giulio,
I can tell these things.

Promise me you'll take her tonight,
will you?

All right, I promise.

And you give her a real good time,
dinner, dancing, everything.

[Giulio chuckles] Anything to oblige you.

I like so much Italian men.

And you, what are you going to do
this evening?

I want just a quiet evening at home
and go nice and early to bed.

Now look at the way the herd flows
up and across the canvas.

And the line of the hill,
goes over and down.

Oh he must be terribly sensitive.
I mean the way he's caught those cows.

-There's a contrapuntal effect.
-I think you've got this artist wrong.

He isn't contrapuntal?

No I mean they're not cows. They're bulls.

That is of no importance whatever
to the picture.

-It's of importance to the bulls.
-[girls laughing]

[youth] Here's a drawing
he made of the bull.

Stella, look about Lucille.

I met her ages ago and I gave her
my address out of politeness.

Now she is staying at your flat.
[speaking French] Vive la politesse.

I don't know what you expect me to do
when old friends turn up.

-Anyway, you're out of date.
-Am I?

Yes, another friend's arrived,
someone I met on a walking tour.

How hearty.

Does this friend wear leather shorts
and a shaving brush in his hat?

-Not exactly.
-Billiam, have you seen Giulio?

I promised to meet him
but I'm late as usual.

Yes, he was over there a minute ago,
I think, if you just go…

Miss Ingrid Lein, Miss Napier.

She works in the Art Gallery.

Oh that's very interesting.

I was admiring the picture
of the man with the "pipebags."

Bagpipes.

Would it be possible
to have a reproduction?

Well no, I'm afraid we've sold out.

But if you tell me where you're staying
I can arrange to--

Giulio is over there.

Would you please give her
the number of our apartment, yes?

She knows it.

So much for the leather shorts
and the shaving brush.

Ah miss Napier, there you are.

I want to tell you how much
the girls enjoyed your little lectures.

They're crazy about you
and want to see you again.

And I wondered if you could come to
a reception, I'm giving.

-We'd be honoured if you'd come.
-Well I--

Oh that's just dandy.
It's a date. It's on Saturday.

That's just wonderful.

-But it's just…
-Always you keep me waiting.

But darling, I was just explaining that.

That girl looks very unhappy, huh?

Hello.

-You leaving early too?
-Yes, because I thought you might.

Shall we go somewhere and have dinner?

Why not have something at your place?

There isn't much except
tins and a few eggs.

-You have some brandy?
-Yes.

Then I show you what I can do
with a few eggs and some brandy.

You look tired, darling.
Have you had an exhausting day?

I certainly have.

I won't allow you to do anything tonight.

Nothing at all?

Nearly nothing.

Poor, poor Bill.

Not so poor.

Music, a nice meal on the stove,
you sitting here.

[Bill] What more could a man want?

Someone who isn't sitting here.

It's true, isn't it Bill?

Lucille, you're not jealous are you?

Yes, I am.

You are the first man ever
to make me jealous.

I should be very angry.

Are you?

Mm-mm.

I think you are the most wicked man.

I think so too.

[soft music]

[Lucille] But it's boiling over.

[Bill] That makes two of us.

[Lucille] Bill, I must turn off the gas.

Please.

[sizzling]

[Lucille giggles]

[dramatic music]

[knocking]

Oh blast.

They'll go away.

[man] Doesn't seem to be anyone at home.

-Oh we didn't know.
-We thought we just--

We're frightfully sorry.

We'll go and telephone you afterwards.

Wait a moment.
Where on earth did you get that?

Don't you remember,
you sent it across to my table.

In a peach, in Venice.

Yes of course.

How is your mother?
I mean, how are your mother and father?

You do remember.

Yes, I remember.

It's the most romantic thing
that ever happened to me.

Yeah.

-Well, what brings you here?
-We came for the festival.

[Bill] Didn't you book accommodation?

It's all my fault, honestly.

You see I persuaded Harry to let me
use the hotel money for a new camera.

-You know how these things happen.
-Yes, I know.

-And so, here we are.
-We didn't know that you were, well…

Look Bill, what beautiful flowers.

May I introduce
mademoiselle Lucille Daumier.

I am Harry, short for Harriet.

-Perry, ditto for Peregrin.
-[Harry] Reece Peters.

Well I suppose we ought to be on our way.

I don't know what way,
we haven't got a penny between us.

Well let me…

Alright, I suppose you'd better come in.

Don't worry, with a little juggling,
we'll all fit in somehow.

Just one great big, happy family.

Ingrid. What happened?
I thought you and Gu…

And I thought so too.
Oh that terrible Giulio.

He promised me to take me to dinner and
now he's run off with an English woman.

What English woman?

-You know, the one you know.
-Stella?

He went off with Stella?
She must be out of her mind.

Why must she be out of her mind?
Why can't she go out with Giulio?

He is a very attractive man.

She has a perfect right
to go off with Giulio.

-Yes, of course.
-But he's got no right to go off with her.

[Ingrid sobbing] Oh he's just a baby.

He is a big artist,
but with women he is just like a child.

-[Ingrid cries]
-Let's hope so.

-[Bill] What are you up to?
-[Lucille] I am working things out.

-What things?
-How we can all go to bed respectably.

-Why respectably?
-Bill, there are children here.

-[Bill] Any sign of Giulio yet?
-No, but I don't care anymore.

I do hope you won't let our presence
affect you in any way.

[Bill] I beg your pardon?

What I mean is, I realize you
weren't originally intending

to share a room with me,
if you see what I mean.

Oh yes.

I mean if you feel restless

during the night, you feel like
taking a stroll, as it were.

As it were.

Yes well one isn't naïve
about these things, is one?

Of course not.

Everybody in the kitchen please,
washing up.

[singing]

[Giulio singing]

There you are.

What's the matter?
Why you start breaking the plates now?

Because you promise to take me to dinner

and then you took off with this English
women. that's not very good manner.

It's public relations.
I was making friends for my art.

I go out with this miss Stella
to a restaurant and we talk about my art.

-Which restaurant did you go to?
-Oh La Venezia.

Well wouldn't she just.

You are a naughty, naughty boy.

-I am natural.
-You are too natural.

-Oh if you no like it.
-[Ingrid] Who says I don't like it?

[dramatic music playing]

Alright, if you like it.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music continues]

[soft music]

Goodnight Bill, sleep well.

Goodnight Lucille. You too.

-Goodnight Perry.
-Goodnight Lucille.

Bill, how does one
meet someone like Lucille?

The same way you win at roulette.
By being very, very lucky.

Goodnight Perry, time you were in bed.

-You shut up.
-Goodnight Bill.

Goodnight Harry. Sweet dreams.

Go on, into bed yourself.

-Goodnight Billiam.
-Goodnight Ingrid.

Goodnight Perry.

Bill, I've just discovered
nuclear fission.

[instrumental music]

[applause]

Bravo! Bravo!

[upbeat music]

Hello. I'm sorry terribly sorry,
we are late

but Giulio couldn't get away any earlier.
Autograph hunters.

-Of course, the concert. How did it go?
-Oh "fantastish."

Oh that's wonderful. Many people there?

Oh it was absolutely overcrowded.

That explains why I couldn't get a seat.

Were you wanting to say something
to me Mrs. Shoemaker?

Oh yes, but it's rather private.

Would you think me terribly rude
if I took Mr. Nairn away

for just a tiny little minute.

No, not at all.

Will you take care of Mr. Ferguson for me?
See he doesn't get into trouble.

-Excuse me.
-Come along Mr. Nairn.

-Well this is a coincidence.
-So unexpected.

Hi.

-Who's the new acquisition?
-New acquisition?

Yes the blonde darling,
with the eyes like two poached eggs.

She happens to be the daughter
of an old friend of mine.

-That's her brother she is dancing with.
-Oh it's her brother is it?

I thought he might be offspring of yours,
as a result of a youthful affair.

Oh Stella. If you only knew how much
I've been missing you.

What a lonely little boy
you must have been.

Let's get out of here,
let's go somewhere we can talk and…

-And?
-Well you know, talk.

Tell you what, let's go to the Venezia.

Oh no, much too crowded.
Tell you what, let's go to your place.

Oh no, much too crowded.

-Oh Bill, I want to go to your place.
-You know as well as I do.

That soon I'll have them
banging on the door.

Well you can tell them
to bang elsewhere, can't you?

-Stella, be reasonable.
-Why?

They're guests of mine.
I can't just turn them on the street.

I don't see why.
It's where they came from, isn't it?

I'm not going to turn them out
and that's that.

You obviously prefer
their company to mine.

Stella. Don't be ridiculous.
In a couple of days, they'll be gone.

You'll be a lonely boy again,
in search of lonely girls.

If that's what you think I'm like,
why have you bothered with me?

I'm going.

Stella. Tomorrow, will you spend
the day with me?

You don't have to make a decision now.

Just phone me any time
between now and ten in the morning.

And the whole day is yours, I promise.

If you don't ring by ten,
we might as well forget we met.

The decision's yours Stella.

You're not leaving.

-I am, Mrs. Shoemaker.
-No you're not.

I want to talk to you.

It's a great mystery to me the effect
you and Bill have on each other.

Every time I engineer a meeting,
one of you walks out.

That only proves that we're totally,
well I mean we're not really.

It proves nothing of the kind.
Only that you love him.

You're too proud and stubborn
to admit it. Is that true?

Yes.

Now why don't you go and ring Bill
and tell him you'll meet him tomorrow?

Dixie, is that long distance?

[sobbing] Yes, Mrs. Shoemaker.

You've talked long enough.
Tell him you love him and ring off.

Yes Mrs. Shoemaker.

I hate you!

That's right.

Go on now, phone him.

Do you really think I'm going to
humiliate myself by phoning him?

-When he's issued an ultimatum.
-But of course, dear.

Is this how it's supposed
to look Mrs. Shoemaker?

It's for a man dear, and that isn't
the usual ensemble it's worn with.

I guess I'll just have to buy
myself a kilt, that's all.

Now where were we?
Oh yes you were just gonna go phone Bill.

-No, I wasn't.
-Listen Stella.

In today's world, when you want a man,
you've got to march in and grab him.

There was a guy I wanted to marry.

He was always surrounded
by beautiful girls.

Secretaries putting flowers on his desk,
everyone spoiling him like crazy.

You know what I did?

I went into his office one morning
with the biggest bunch of chrysanthemums

you have ever seen,
and I said, "Jackson P."

"If anyone puts flowers
on your desk, it's gotta be me."

And?

I've been Mrs. Jackson P. Shoemaker
ever since.

And moral of the story is,
go for what you want.

When you want and grab it.
Now are you going to phone Bill?

I don't know.

Stella you only have a few hours
to make up your mind, and I warn you.

I'm coming to your apartment
at ten in the morning,

if you're still there, I'm going to
wring your pretty little neck.

[bells]

[ringing]

Hello.

Alright, hang on will you. It's for you.

-For me?
-[Bill] A cable.

Hello. Yes.

[Lucille] Yes. Thank you.

[hanging up]

-[Bill] Come on everybody. Get dressed.
-[Ingrid] Where we going?

-To the beach, we'll take a picnic.
-[Giulio] I like very much a picnic.

-Oh that's wonderful.
-[Harry] Super duper.

In the kitchen
for cutting sandwiches, you.

Perry put the hood down of the Jag?

Lucille there's beer in the fridge,
and hock in the larder.

[upbeat music]

Driver. Stop.

Quickly driver, can you turn round please?

Of course I can. I've been driving
for 30 years.

Would you do again please.

-I'd like to keep up with that Jaguar.
-You would, would you? I see.

We needn't follow them any more now,
thank you. You've done wonderfully.

Be walking the rest of the way, will you?
I expect I'll be doing the same.

Do you remember how nicely
you turned round a while ago?

Aye.

Could you try it again, I want to go back.

That would be an American's idea
of a day at the seaside.

And quickly please, there isn't much time.

Who do you think I am? Stirling Moss?

[Ingrid] Hi.

[Bill] There you are madam.
You'll find that quite comfortable.

Aren't you going to launch it for me?

Bill come in, the water is freezing.

Well knowing you, you'll soon warm it up.
Be there in a minute.

I know, you turned round so nicely before
you'd like me to do it again.

As quickly as I can because
there may not be too much time.

[dramatic music]

I know I'm doing the wrong thing.

Right or wrong, you're doing it honey.

-[Harry] Bill.
-Hello Harry.

You didn't even notice I was here,
did you?

-Don't be a goose.
-Don't do that.

I hate being patted,
makes me feel like a sheepdog.

Right, it shall never happen again.

-Bill.
-Harry.

Have you any idea why you always choose
such unsuitable women?

[Harry] I mean, take Lucille.

Well you can't imagine her ironing shirts,
or cleaning out the grate.

Or anything, can you? I mean, look at her.

That's enough.

And Ingrid,
well Giulio's much more her type.

They're both completely impulsive people.
You're not impulsive.

I wouldn't exactly describe myself
as cold blooded.

I wasn't talking about your blood.
I was talking about your character.

And I would say, your one impulse
would be for self-preservation.

In fact I think you're the
most self-preserved man I've ever met.

I see you've been studying me
quite closely.

Yes, very, and in my considered opinion,
if you go on postponing things

very much longer, you're going to
miss the boat altogether.

You know something, Harry.

[Bill] You're absolutely right,
it's now or never.

If I don't take the plunge now,
I never will.

[jump into water]

It might be quicker, if we'd walked.

[laughter]

[Bill] You mustn't leave bait
in the water,

you're bound to attract sharks.

You are not a shark, you are a porpoise.

[Bill] I'm not quite sure I like that.

Why? It is a very charming thing to be,
a porpoise.

When you are at sea they swim
alongside your boat for awhile

and keep you company and then.

-[Bill] Then what?
-You look around and they are gone.

[Lucille] Soon I shall be gone.

But why, why not stay--

Because of the cable
I received this morning.

It was from Al. He wants me to go
to Rome and marry him.

He says it's now or never.

-And, you're not?
-Yes, it's going to be now.

-[Bill] Oh no.
-Yes now.

-Al is a very nice person.
-And he has very nice oil wells.

Exactly. Don't you agree,
it's a charming combination?

Women certainly are strange creatures.

Oh and men are not strange at all,
of course.

Darling do you really expect me

to stay here and be a substitute
for this Stella of yours?

Am I so strange that
I do not want to do such a thing?

Why do you think I came here?

That night in Austria I thought perhaps,

a big perhaps, you were
the answer to everything.

Someone I could go mad with,
and be sensible and settle down with too.

But that moment is past now.
No Bill, don't pretend, please.

When you part without lies,
you can meet without shame.

You're a remarkable woman.

-I'll never forget you, Lucille.
-[Lucille] Of course you will.

I shall vanish slowly from your memory
like a Cheshire cheese.

-Cat. Cheshire cat.
-[Lucille] Ugh?

-[Lucille] Oh.
-You've forgotten the rest of the story.

The smile never vanished.

Au revoir.

Cheshire cat.

Goodbye Cheshire porpoise.

[soft music]

It's no use, they could be anywhere.

[Ingrid] Help, you down there!

I'm stuck. Ich bin "shtuck."

Why don't you come and help me?

What's the trouble?

I told you, I'm stuck.
Can't you see what's happening?

Why is it that women can always
do themselves up,

but they always need help
to get themselves undone.

One day they'll invent something
you can undo without male assistance.

Yes but then women won't use it anymore.

[Bill laughs]

Thank you, that's fine.

If I remember rightly something similar
happened on the mountain that night.

I shouldn't be surprised.

This kind of thing is always happening
to me and it's so embarrassing.

I wish we were in that refuge hut now.

Yes, but we are not.

You cannot spend
all your life in a refuge.

Sooner or later, the mist clears
and there the rest of the world.

And you just can't ignore it anymore.

-Much as one would like to.
-No, I don't think so.

I shan't go back to the mountains.

Next year I will leave music school
and then I--

Ingrid. Let's go back just once.
You and I. What do you say?

No. Once it was spontaneous.

It can't be twice spontaneous.
Without words and complications.

No Billiam, I really don't think so.

[Giulio] Ingrid. Ingrid!

Ah! There you are. I'm looking for you.

What a pretty face!

Isolda herself.

Well I don't know what to call you,
Giulio.

You're not the Tristan type, are you?

-Maybe.
-[Bill] Casanova.

I am Casanova. You are Casanova, not me.

While I am taking a siesta,
you take Ingrid into grass

for a bit of hanky and a bit of the panky,
no? Come Ingrid.

What about you marching off
with Stella the other night?

-What've you got to say about that?
-I say niente.

You have no right to talk Stella. You have
rights only when you make woman happy.

Is not true, bella mia?
You make Stella unhappy.

You have not right.
You don't intend to marry her.

What right have you over Ingrid?
You don't intend to marry her, do you?

Yes, I marry her.

You do. Does he?

Maestro. Maestro.

-[speaking Italian] "Allegro"…
-[speaking Italian] "Ma non troppo."

[in Italian] Good luck!

[Stella] We'll never find them.

We've got another 20 miles of beach
to cover before sundown, come on.

Well I said Ingrid and Giulio
are both the impulsive types

and they impulsed. I'm not surprised.

So I gathered.

What other bright forecasts
have you got up your sleeve?

For one, you'll frizzle up like a potato,
if you don't put this on your back.

I'm perfectly alright.

You're perfectly all wrong
as a matter of fact.

Not that you can see it.

You've been perfectly all wrong,
all along.

In what way?

Because you can't see
what's staring you in the face.

-[Bill] And what is?
-[Harry] That I love you.

-Harry!
-I do.

-But you don't know anything about love.
-I know. Isn't it wonderful?

You can teach me everything.

Oh Bill, I think this is
the most wonderful day of my life.

There they are. Alright baby.

This is where
the booster rocket falls away.

From now on in, you're on your own.

I'm just exactly what you need, Bill.
Honestly aren't I?

-And I'm not bad to look at, am I?
-No. Not bad.

Well there you are, see?

And what's more, I'm available,
very available.

And very, very sweet.

Then you agree?
You will? You will marry me?

Oh Bill, it'll be fun.
Such wonderful, wonderful fun.

-I'm so excited, so terribly excited.
-[Bill] Now Harry!

[Harry] Everyone! Ingrid, Giulio, Lucille.

Bill and I are engaged.
Isn't it wonderful?

We're engaged. Perry, we're engaged.

[dramatic music]

[Bill] Stella.

I must ask you to excuse me.
I'll explain later, please.

Stella. Stella.

[Bill] Stella!

[policeman] Hey! You're not allowed aboard
public transport improperly dressed--

-Stella! Get off. Come on, get off!
-Go away.

-He's pestering the lady now.
-Hey. You.

Get off, or I'll drag you off.

[man] Do you not know better than to get
on a bus like that on a Sabbath.

-Alright!
-[Stella screams] Bill!

-[Stella screams]
-[whistle]

You're not going to kidnap a lady
off my bus, not while I'm in charge.

It's for her own good. She got away
from an institution up the road.

[Stella] It's not, it's not true.

No don't believe him, it's not true.

[Stella shouting]

Now, now now. It's alright everybody.
Everything's in order.

The poor lassie escaped
from a home up the road.

-He'll be her doctor no doubt.
-There's no home up the road.

Is there not, now?

Would a doctor in charge of patients,
be dressed like that?

Now you come to mention it.
I doubt very much if he would…

[Stella shouts]

[dramatic music]

[Stella screams]

[dramatic music intensifies]

[tires screeching]

-Bill. Bill, will you let me out?
-No.

You're engaged. You're engaged
to that drippy girl.

-I'm not, I'm engaged to you.
-[Stella] But she said.

I don't care what she said.
I've broken it off.

I'm engaged to you and we're going
to be married by special license.

We're going to Rome, Venice, Paris
and Positano for our honeymoon.

-But you…
-And we're going to have four children.

You're the most conceited person
I've ever known.

You think when you're tired of your harem,

I'll be there, ready and waiting.
Well I'm not.

Flowers, I want bunches of flowers and
boxes of chocolates and expensive dinners

to make up for the monstrous way
you've behaved.

You've had that. I've run you home.
Kissed you on the doorstep.

I've remembered your birthday.
Been polite to your mother.

Now we're here, this is it.

-[Stella] Bill.
-Yes.

Sure we shouldn't take
one more look in the bathroom?

Quite sure.