All language subtitles for A.P. Bio - S04E02 - Sweatpants

- Looking sharp,
Whitlock High.

Yes, the new
anti-bullying campaign

is in effect.
And I, for one,

think the new uniforms
look pretty cool.

Or in the words
of Korean pop star

and pistachio spokesman
Psy,

* Hey, dig those khakis *

* Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop *

* Whitlock High's got style *

- Ow, come on, man.

- Grab the day by the horns.

- Ow.
- Sir, if you don't comply

with the dress code,
I have to send you home.

- Get off me, man.

Ralph, will you please
tell your goon here

that I have
a sweatpants exception?

- Jack, in order for
this uniform thing to work,

everyone has to participate,
including faculty.

- I didn't like it
at first, either.

You know how much I love
to wear school colors.

But just between you, me
and my dogs,

I still found a way.

- Is it cool if I go
do something else?

- Yes.

- Ralph, this is insane.

Please cancel
the uniforms.

- That is a no I can't do.

All right, look.

I was talking
to the superintendent.

And she said one
of the biggest problems

in this district is bullying.

So I pointed out,
well,

if everybody wore
the same thing...

There's less stuff
to make fun of.

You know, 'cause
it's harder to tell

when someone is...

dorky.

And who's...

poor.

- Mm.
- They're gonna call it

the Durbin Anti-Bullying
Uniform Campaign.

Yay.

- Who will?
- Yay!

- Who is going
to call it that?

Can she hear me?
- No.

- [grumbles]

Look, man.

Uniforms promote
conformity, okay?

You're gonna turn
these kids into

mindless zombies,
like a cult.

- [scoffs]

- [scoffs]
Okay.

I do not see
that happening.

[steady music]

- We're forming a cult.

["Listen To My Heart"
by the Ramones playing]

- * One, two, three, four *

* Next time, I'll listen
to my heart *

* Next time, well,
I'll be smart *

* *

- Why are we forming a cult,
exactly?

- Because, Sarika.

The khakis kind of dig
into my little waist.

- Mm, I smell
a trouble in paradise sitch.

You and Lynette,
you're having problems.

So you take it out
on the uniforms.

- Wrong as always, Marcus.

Now, granted, we're
not forming a real cult, guys.

Okay, real cults are
for sad people,

who can't find friends
or sex partners the normal way.

[indistinct chatter]
- Wait, we get sex partners?

- Guys, we just need
to act like a cult.

So that Durbin loses faith
in these stupid uniforms.

All right, now
who's gonna be our cult leader?

Cult leaders are...
[sighs]

Insecure, clingy weirdos

with very basic
acoustic guitar skills.

- That's me.

Uh, I can play G
and C chords,

and I've been known
to let self-doubt

nip at my heels.

- Yeah, that's right.

Your parents' divorce really
rocked your self-esteem,

didn't it?

Nice.
- It did.

But I've been going
to therapy.

And I use meditative breathing
to cope.

[inhales]

[exhales]

Also, I paint my arms
with finger brushes

as a means to self-soothe.

- Well, we found
our cult leader.

- [chuckles]
- Nice, man.

- Girl, you picked the right
week to be on bed-rest.

This uniform is very tight
in the pits.

- Well, wasn't my choice.

Apparently the baby
got flipped around,

and if I don't take it easy
for the next few days,

it's gonna think that
it's supposed

to come out
of my mouth.

- [giggles]

- Okay.

You know how I get
an email alert anytime

a '90s R&B singer enters
the state of Ohio?

- No.
- No.

- Well, I just got us tickets
to Electronni

with backstage passes.

- Oh, my--
[gasps]

Girl, Electronni
was my jam.

You remember
"P U This Car Stanky"?

- * We're banging
in the backseat *

* So open a window, girl *

[laughs]

- Oh...

You probably can't go,
huh, Stef?

- Nope.

- So unfair.
- No.

Remember
"Pew Pew Our Love Stinks"?

- [laughs]

I humped the hell out
of my parents' ottoman

to that song.
- Aw, me too.

I was in love
with my parents' ottoman.

- Well--well, hold on.

I mean, I want to hear about
your ottoman.

Take me with you.

[light music]

Dave.

What's that around
your neck?

- Oh, this is my lanyard.

* *

[all exhaling]

- No, stop.

Stop, guys, stop.

This--this isn't working.

- No, yeah, it is,
yeah, it is.

My brain is tingling like

it just had a sip
of Dr. Pepper.

- I feel amazing, too.

I'm so relaxed,
I can't close my jaw.

- Well, that's the thing
with cults.

I mean, they do
start out idyllic.

I mean, who doesn't love
dancing and fresh lettuce?

Look, we need year five
of the cult,

where there's a bunch
of pantsless children

running around,
firing guns

when everyone's foraging
for dumpster lettuce.

We gotta make Durbin think you
guys are way more disturbed.

- Maybe we could hang
after school,

try to dig a little deeper?

I recently realized I've
been lying to myself

for years about
having shredded abs.

I don't.
- Yeah, sure.

Uh, let's--let's do that.

Okay, now have
a creepy routine ready

by Tuesday morning,
okay?

We gotta freak Durbin out

so we can get rid
of these awful uniforms.

[bell rings]

[tense music]

* *

- Buckle up--
you're about to see

Dr. Asher's methodology
firsthand.

How are you feeling?

- You know, Vic.

On top of the world
like always.

Slam dunk, stop,
smell the roses, repeat.

- Oops.

You touched your face
when you said it.

That's a divorce.

Anytime you break the bond,

that's a divorce.

Here, let's try
this again.

How are you feeling?

Exhale.

- [exhales]
- Keep going.

Why are grades
so important to you?

- Because I want
to go to a good college.

- Go deeper.

- Because I want
to succeed.

I want to, like,
own sculptures.

- [snickers]
Deeper.

- I'm not saying that
I'm attracted to my mom.

I'm saying my mom...

is attractive.

In another world,
maybe.

* *

- Because Harvard's
the best school.

And I thought if
I got in,

I'd finally feel
like I'm good enough.

Wow...

I've been so mean
to myself.

- You've been asleep
for a long time,

haven't you?

Good morning, Sarika.

[together]
Good morning, Sarika.

- [exhales]

- [exhales slowly]

- Stop.

- [coughs]

- Now I have
one question.

What should we do
with this?

- Trash it.

[triumphant music]

* *

[joyful music]

- We have
another good morning.

[applause]

- Victor cured me,
y'all.

- We're really getting
somewhere now.

I say we continue this
at my home all weekend.

Some of Dr. Asher's teachings

can be better illuminated
through lack of sleep.

* *

[tenmse music]

* *

- Oh, there you are, Ralph.

- Hey, wait--
Helen, Helen, wait.

Look, not a bully
in sight.

It's working.

And you know
the crazy thing?

This whole uniform thing,
I made it up.

I just blurted it out.

I gotta think less,
and just say things, you know?

Wall cupcakes.

Shoes made out of water.

I--I'm sorry, you wanted
to tell me something?

- Oh, yeah, there's
a bully in your office

with their victim.

- Okay, Helen.

Please interrupt me
if you have information

that undercuts
my whole speech.

- Oh, okay.

Okay.

Well, Ralph.

Apparently, Jen here

told Karl Peterkowski
that Anna had a crush on him.

And then Karl laughed
in Anna's face.

- I--I'm sorry,
and this bullying

happened while you were
in uniform?

'Cause that's the part
I don't get.

Okay, we're--

we're not gonna make
an official report, but...

[suspenseful music]

- Hello, everyone.

I just wanted you all
to know that

sophomore Jen Salavantis
has a big old crush

on senior Steve Dunn.

- How did you know that?

- Your mom told me.
We pickleball.

Ha!

- How's it feel to have
your crush outed, you bully?

- Mortifying.

- Mortifying?

[airy music]

[all inhale]

[all exhale]

[all inhale]

[all exhale]

[relaxing music playing]

- All right.

Morning, everybody.

Yeah.

Good.

This is very odd.

I like it, okay.

Uh, what else you guys got?
- Victor saved my marriage.

- [laughs]
That's good.

You're married?
- Now I am.

To Marissa.

- All right, well,
this is all very creepy.

And I like it a lot.

Um, but save some of it
for Durbin, okay?

'Cause when he sees this,
I'm telling you,

he's definitely gonna cancel
these uniforms.

- But the uniforms help us feel
like part of the collective.

It's our group skin.

- Oh, whoa--uh, Grace

your--your finger
is bleeding pretty bad there.

You want to head over
to the nurse's office

and get that bandaged up?

- [laughs]

- The Illustrious One says
that medicine can't save us.

We have to save ourselves.

- I threw my inhaler away.

- I'm gonna kiss my mom.
- Uh--wait, what?

- He said he's gonna
kiss his mom.

Are you having trouble hearing?

And why the [bleep] are you
wearing shoes in my presence?

[eerie music]

- Take the shoes off.

- Okay.
I'll bite.

- My wife will take
your shoes.

- Did you say your wife, Caleb?

I'm sorry, I must be
having memory loss.

Because I thought we were
all married to Marissa.

Doth thou claim sole possession
over this virgin?

[eerie music]

* *

- I'm sorry, sir.

- The Illustrious One says you
shall receive 12 paddles.

Do you accept?

- I accept
with enthusiasm.

[together]
One for the divorcer!

- Oh, my God.
- Thank you.

[together]
Two for the divorcer.

- Hey, hey, hey, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Grace, Grace, Grace--
ah-ah-ah-ah!

Let's--we're gonna, um...

There we go, good.

Let's take five
on the group paddling.

[dramatic music]

* *

Uh, you know
what guys?

Let me, uh...
I'm just gonna...

Give me a sec,
give me a sec.

Coming through, sorry.

Uh, hey, listen--
uh, Ralph.

I, uh, I tried to ruin
your stupid uniform thing

by forming a fake, creepy cult.

But now it's a creepy,
real cult.

This is their paddle.

Bottom line is, I don't care
about the uniforms anymore.

I just want
my kids brains' back.

- Okay, I'm gonna look
into this.

Helen, hold my calls.

Actually, no, wait.
That doesn't make any sense.

Answer my calls,
and write down the messages.

So, wait, Helen,
what I'm saying

is take my calls.

Yeah, yeah, cult.
- Here we go, here we go.

- Well, now he's
got me all jumbled.

I guess I should
just get rid of that.

- Dave, I appreciate you
taking me

to the Electronni concert,
but what the hell

is going on
with your shirt cursive?

- Uh, you know, I've never
been great with fabric paint.

- [snickers]

- When we got married,
Heath said

I could make out
with Electronni.

It was in his vows.
[laughs]

Electronni is my hall pass.

- Okay.

- When you're single,
a hall pass

is just when you pass someone
you slept with in the hall,

and you pretend
to be on a fake phone call.

- Oh.
- Hey-o.

- Hey, here's a fun tidbit.

I actually went to summer camp
with Electronni.

Of course, he was
Electronald back then.

Ah, no,
I'm just kidding.

He was Ronald,
but we were swim buddies.

- Yeah, right, Dave, don't lie.

Electronni's afraid
of the water.

He said it in

* Let's do it
on the dock, girl *

- * 'Cause this lake stinky
and I can't swim *

- * I'll still take you
in the deep end *

- * But you gotta wear
your floaties *

- No talking, Dave.
- No Dave.

- He can't swim, Dave.

- Hey, Mary.

- Uh, yes, this is she.

Oh, no, Grandma got frozen?

Oh, no, she froze.

Okay, well, I will tell
the government,

thank you very much.

[quirky music]

- Okay, come here, look,
look, look.

Look, yeah.
[grunts]

Look at these pillows,
look at the formation.

Look at--look at their faces.

Victor, say something.

- Hi, Principal Durbin.

I was just confiding
in my peers about

how difficult divorce can be.

I don't suppose
you can relate to that?

- Ooh, man.

Boy, do I ever.

[groans]

- You know what can help?

- Hmm?
- Close your eyes,

and think of
a painful memory.

- [sighs]

Probably when my wife
started introducing me

as her "buddy Ralph."

- Now, take a deep breath.

And send that memory over
to Anthony.

- [exhales]

- [inhales]

Got it.

Permission to excrete
Principal Durbin's memory?

[eerie music]

* *

- Guys, that--

that really helped.

Thank you.
[laughs]

That was--

I was so worried

this whole uniform thing
would be a bust.

But I feel 100% better.

[laughs]
Cleansed.

[laughs]

Whoo!

* *

- You know, I'm actually
starting to feel jealous

of your setup, Stef.
- Seriously.

You get to see
Electronni tonight

without all the bad parts
of going to a concert.

- Right?

Like, I am not going
to miss having to park,

and stand in line,

and pay $18 for a damn water.

- Seven words.

Wet toilet paper on the--

wait, what am I at?

- Five.

- Damn, I'm gonna need
more words.

Bottom of my shoe.

- Ugh.

Maybe I hate going
to concerts.

- Going to concerts sucks.

- [scoffs]

- What are we doing?
- I don't know.

Even waiting in line
for the bathroom--

- I--it's a nightmare.

[quirky music]

- Hello?

Is anybody in
this bathroom?

Can somebody please tap
this man and tell him

that my friends have left
the bathroom?

And that he needs to go
jogging down that hallway.

- We've had some time
to think about

your little betrayal yesterday.

We're not mad.
We get it.

When people get too close
to you, you run away.

- We made you a place to sit.

[dramatic music]

- I don't like that.

And, actually, if you guys
don't snap out of this

right now,
I'm giving you all F's.

- The Illustrious One says
that grades just tear us apart.

- The grades also get you
into Harvard.

- Oh, I'm not going
to Harvard.

No, I'm staying here
and having Marcus's babies.

- And that'll do her.

Uh, I'm out.
Ah!

[eerie music]

* *

All right.

- It's curious
you're trying to break up

our little family, Jack,

especially considering
the fact that

you're from a broken home
yourself.

Your father...

Where is your father,
Jack?

- I honestly don't care.

- Let's restart.

Good morning.

Where's Papa, Jack?

Is Papa mad?

- Nope, joke's on you.

Sends me a Christmas card
every year from Ann Arbor.

- Tell Anthony about the last
time you saw your papa.

- Let me inhale your pain.
I'm strong enough.

* *

- Okay, look.

My dad didn't care
about me when I was young,

and I don't care about him
now that he's old.

- It's too much!
It's too much.

- Good morning.

- Good morning,
Illustrious One.

[all laughing]

- What an odd joke.

Me, the Illustrious One?

- The Illustrious One
speaks to us through Victor.

- Every Wednesday
at 5:30.

- That lady?
Is that your therapist?

- More importantly,

she's our leader.

[steady music]

We must help Jack reconcile
with his father.

- I found his father's address

and drafted a letter
from Jack.

He forgives his father,
and beckons him home.

- Uh, well, let's definitely
not send that letter.

Um, brothers and sisters...

- Sarika is wise.
Let us dance.

[kazoo buzzes]

* *

[tense music]

- [laughs]
Whoa.

- Wow.
[laughs]

- So cool.
- Very cool.

- Boys, we can't
see each other.

Bellies together.

- Uh...
- Here, split it.

- Okay, let's get real.

What's the plan
when Electronni gets here?

- I know,
I'm getting nervous.

I mean, I love my husband.

But, what if?

- That was an impressive show.

I liked when he did the worm.

- Yeah, I feel bad
for whoever's gotta

clean up that sweat puddle.

- Oh, in the janitor biz?

We call that a macho cheese.

- Why?

- Fine, I lied.

Nobody calls it that.
Uh, I'm sorry.

- Dale, we like you.

You don't have to make up stuff
to impress us.

- Yeah, you're doing
great tonight.

- Shut up!
- Stop!

- We can hear you.

So we agree.

I should make my move.

- Wait.

Please don't do this.

- Keith, what
are you doing here?

You don't even like
Electronni.

- I'm here
to stop this.

Now that you two are
in the same room together,

it's getting too real.

I can't share you with anyone.

- What about
your hall pass?

- Katie Couric can kiss
my ass in hell.

- Ooh.

- Oh.

That was sweet.

- All right, Mary.
We're up.

- Oh, okay.
- [laughs]

- Oh, wow.

- And what's your name,
stinky girl?

- Mary.

- Mm, and what's your name?

- Stef.

- Well, this is a dedication

to Stinky Mary and Stinky Stef.

* Oo-oo-wee, you just
as stinky as can be *

[together]
* Can somebody *

* Open up a window? *

- Hey, Ronald.

- Oh, shit.

Oh, goddamn.

Dave Pugh?
- Yeah.

- You scared the shit
out of me.

- I'm sorry about that, man.

I wasn't gonna interrupt,

but you had your hand
on my thigh.

I felt like
I had to say hey.

- Dave.

- Hey, do you remember?

[together]
* Don't give me no pop *

* No pop, don't give me
no tea, no tea *

* Just give me that milk,
moo moo moo moo *

* That Thunderbird milk,
moo moo moo moo *

* Camp Thunderbird! *

[laughter]

- Wow.

- Oh, my God.
- [laughs]

- Oh, snap, that's good.
- Yeah.

- [winces]

Somebody turns us off.

- Great idea, Ralph.

[laughs]

[knock at door]

- Oh, hi.

- Oh, Mr. Dunn.

- You made an announcement

that Jen Salavantis likes me,
and...

I like her, too.

Could you maybe make
another announcement

that I like her back?

- Steve, that was done
to punish Jen.

- Yeah, I mean
if you humiliated a peer,

then we would humiliate you
back by announcing the crush.

- Okay, I definitely will.

- Ugh.

Oh, Ralph, we did this.

- I'm cancelling the uniforms.

They obviously...

didn't work.

[suspenseful music]

* *

[tranquil music]

* *

- Good morning,
brothers and sisters.

Oh.

I see we have some new folks.

Very cool,
very, very cool.

Well, I come bearing a gift.

- Dr. Asher?

- Yes, oh--Illustrious One,

won't you have a seat over
in the chair here--

Oh, I scratched my face
whilst addressing you.

That's a divorce, um.

Please, it would
be such an honor

if you would paddle me
yourself.

How many strikes
do I get?

- What is happening,
Mr. Griffin?

- Oh, uh, Victor taught us
your covenant.

[together]
One for the divorcer.

- Come on, Dr. Asher.

Victor said you believe
in paddling

and that you hate divorce
and medicine.

- [scoffs]
I love medicine.

And--and I think divorce
is a really healthy thing.

I've been divorced...

twice.

[all gasp]

[suspenseful music]

* *

- Does this mean I can
have my inhaler back?

- Thank you, Doctor.

That will be all.
- Okay, I'm 150 for the hour

and I only do Zipcash.

- Zipcash, okay.

Well, I will figure out
what the hell that is.

[laughs]

Oh, you can go too ladies.

- So we are not going
to space when we make

the thousandth khaki?
- No...

Sorry, ladies.

Gerta, Heidl, Lati.

I'm sorry, everyone.

I...guess I got
a little carried away.

- Yeah, a little bit there,
bud, little bit.

But I think
everything's gonna be okay.

Sarika, do you care
about grades?

- More than anything.

- And do you want
to have Marcus's babies?

- No.
- Damn it.

- Well...

Good morning, Sarika.

[upbeat music]

- Attention, students.
I'd like to admit

that I have a crush
on my pastor, Vicky.

I-I don't even know
if she's allowed

to go out on dates or not.

- I have a crush on the lady
that neutered my pug.

And, uh, if Dr. Meg
is your mom,

I apologize,
but she's cute.

- Okay, so there you have it.

A taste of our own medicine.

And--oh, and uniforms
are no longer mandatory.

Wear whatever you want.

- You still have to cover up
your bellies, your Susies,

your Willies, your vuvuzelas,
and your dangling Henrys.

- Lunch today
is Salisbury steak.

- [laughs]

- * We're banging
in the backseat *

* Ooh, open that window *

* Yeah *

Oh, man.

[mischievous music]

* *

John Griffin.

Oh, hey.

Hey, hey, hey.
Diane, hey.

I got one more for you.

Have a good one.
[laughs]

[sighs]

You did good, Dale.

You did good.