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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,000 - Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com - 2 00:00:07,607 --> 00:00:09,207 [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] 3 00:00:10,343 --> 00:00:12,243 I'm sure you're all wondering 4 00:00:12,245 --> 00:00:14,345 why I'm not up for "Most Likely to Succeed". 5 00:00:14,347 --> 00:00:17,715 As editor of this paper, I had to recuse myself. 6 00:00:17,717 --> 00:00:19,317 I got nominated for "Whitest". 7 00:00:19,319 --> 00:00:21,619 Is that bad? It's not, right? 8 00:00:21,621 --> 00:00:23,488 How could it be bad, you know? 9 00:00:23,490 --> 00:00:26,157 I mean, look at how cool the sword you're drawing is. 10 00:00:26,159 --> 00:00:28,459 It's not just any sword. It's Excalibur, 11 00:00:28,461 --> 00:00:30,401 the most famous sword of all time. 12 00:00:37,704 --> 00:00:39,374 [APPLE ROLLING] 13 00:00:43,209 --> 00:00:45,679 [GROANS] Ohh... 14 00:00:48,648 --> 00:00:52,383 Should we be starting to shut up now, Boss? 15 00:00:52,385 --> 00:00:53,518 [RAMONES' "LISTEN TO MY HEART"] 16 00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:54,887 One, two, three, four! 17 00:00:54,889 --> 00:00:57,622 ♪ Next time, I'll listen to my heart ♪ 18 00:00:57,624 --> 00:01:00,491 ♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪ 19 00:01:00,493 --> 00:01:04,493 ♪♪ 20 00:01:07,434 --> 00:01:10,702 [LIGHT MUSIC] 21 00:01:10,704 --> 00:01:14,704 ♪♪ 22 00:01:16,409 --> 00:01:18,543 I'm up for "Most Original", 23 00:01:18,545 --> 00:01:21,613 the category formerly known as "Biggest Freak". 24 00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:23,915 Eduardo and I have been nominated 25 00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:25,283 for "Best Friends" again 26 00:01:25,285 --> 00:01:28,120 but we don't need a trophy to confirm our bond. 27 00:01:28,122 --> 00:01:29,721 Yeah, that's 'cause you know you're gonna lose 28 00:01:29,723 --> 00:01:32,290 to Ashley Dorfman and Amanda Jackson. 29 00:01:32,292 --> 00:01:35,493 Ashlanda! Ugh, love them. 30 00:01:35,495 --> 00:01:37,695 I didn't get nominated for anything. 31 00:01:37,697 --> 00:01:39,365 Me neither. 32 00:01:39,367 --> 00:01:41,968 But Craig Donovan made the list for "Best Singer". 33 00:01:41,970 --> 00:01:44,235 Sure, if you like a tenor who pushes! 34 00:01:44,237 --> 00:01:47,672 These, uh, superlatives will never matter. 35 00:01:47,674 --> 00:01:49,640 Nothing matters. 36 00:01:49,642 --> 00:01:52,577 We're all just rapidly decaying meat bags 37 00:01:52,579 --> 00:01:54,278 we patch together with duct tape 38 00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:55,646 till the bottom falls out. 39 00:01:55,648 --> 00:01:59,350 Is your meat bag okay, Mr. G? 40 00:01:59,352 --> 00:02:01,619 Well, we'll find out after my colonoscopy. 41 00:02:01,621 --> 00:02:03,821 I don't know if I have, like, a family history of anything 42 00:02:03,823 --> 00:02:05,356 'cause I don't speak to my dad. 43 00:02:05,358 --> 00:02:06,724 So to be safe, 44 00:02:06,726 --> 00:02:09,794 I gotta drink this muck for 24 hours 45 00:02:09,796 --> 00:02:12,430 then get my butt probed. 46 00:02:12,432 --> 00:02:14,732 I'm surprised that you're opening up to us, Mr. Griffin. 47 00:02:14,734 --> 00:02:16,601 Yeah, well, you guys don't count, you know. 48 00:02:16,603 --> 00:02:18,436 I'm hiding it from adults, 49 00:02:18,438 --> 00:02:19,871 people who don't play Pogs all day 50 00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:22,473 while wondering who shot Mr. Burns. 51 00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:24,676 It's clear from your tone that we've been savaged. 52 00:02:24,678 --> 00:02:27,712 But I wonder if you could do it again with updated references. 53 00:02:27,714 --> 00:02:29,280 I cannot. 54 00:02:29,282 --> 00:02:30,481 And now... 55 00:02:30,483 --> 00:02:31,683 [THUD] 56 00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:32,717 I must leave you. 57 00:02:32,719 --> 00:02:35,887 [PHONES BUZZING, CHIMING] 58 00:02:35,889 --> 00:02:37,655 Buckle up, people. 59 00:02:37,657 --> 00:02:39,657 Amanda and Ashley have had a fight! 60 00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:41,426 They're off the ballot. 61 00:02:41,428 --> 00:02:43,428 This could be our year! 62 00:02:43,430 --> 00:02:46,431 We could go down in Whitlock history. 63 00:02:46,433 --> 00:02:48,299 Secret handshake time? 64 00:02:48,301 --> 00:02:49,901 Gimme that knuckle candy. 65 00:02:49,903 --> 00:02:51,769 [BOTH WHISPERING] One, two, three. 66 00:02:51,771 --> 00:02:53,438 [LAUGHS] 67 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:56,541 - Hmm? - I like his new boyfriend. 68 00:02:56,543 --> 00:02:59,577 - Hey, uh, Mary. - Hey. 69 00:02:59,579 --> 00:03:01,679 Do you remember a few months back 70 00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:03,581 when, uh, we made your grandma believe 71 00:03:03,583 --> 00:03:05,750 that I was a firefighter named Cash 72 00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:07,585 and we were getting married in a Catholic ceremony? 73 00:03:07,587 --> 00:03:09,654 - [CHUCKLING] Yeah. - Yeah, well, um, 74 00:03:09,656 --> 00:03:11,689 you kinda owe me. I need a ride. 75 00:03:11,691 --> 00:03:13,624 - Yeah, sure. - Okay. 76 00:03:13,626 --> 00:03:16,327 - Where do you need to go? - Well, I don't wanna say. 77 00:03:16,329 --> 00:03:18,663 Oh, hey, psst, I know I'm not in this conversation, 78 00:03:18,665 --> 00:03:21,399 but why can't you drive yourself? 79 00:03:21,401 --> 00:03:22,834 I'm omitting that as well. 80 00:03:22,836 --> 00:03:24,535 - Oh. - I'm obviously gonna know 81 00:03:24,537 --> 00:03:25,937 once we get to the destination. 82 00:03:25,939 --> 00:03:27,839 Unless it's a nondescript building. 83 00:03:27,841 --> 00:03:29,774 It's a nondescript building. 84 00:03:29,776 --> 00:03:31,542 You know, the more closed off you are, 85 00:03:31,544 --> 00:03:33,845 the more I just wanna take my nails and just... 86 00:03:33,847 --> 00:03:35,813 [POPS LIPS] pry you open. 87 00:03:35,815 --> 00:03:38,649 You're like that one closed pistachio. 88 00:03:38,651 --> 00:03:41,352 You know what happens to the open pistachios? 89 00:03:41,354 --> 00:03:43,189 They get eaten. 90 00:03:43,191 --> 00:03:44,522 Well, see, that's the point. 91 00:03:44,524 --> 00:03:46,358 Let us eat you, little pistachio. 92 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:48,600 We will gain your powers! 93 00:03:54,434 --> 00:03:57,368 Who do you think you are, Ellen's DJ? 94 00:03:57,370 --> 00:03:58,403 [SIGHS] 95 00:03:58,405 --> 00:04:02,405 - ♪♪ - _ 96 00:04:20,827 --> 00:04:24,827 - ♪♪ - _ 97 00:04:28,735 --> 00:04:31,703 Ralph, you look pretty! 98 00:04:31,705 --> 00:04:33,606 Ooh, ya smell nice too. 99 00:04:33,608 --> 00:04:35,506 Oh, well, you look pretty spiffy yourself. 100 00:04:35,508 --> 00:04:36,541 Is that a new shirt? 101 00:04:36,543 --> 00:04:39,110 Oh, gosh, no, this is my grandfather's favorite shirt. 102 00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:40,479 He was buried in it. 103 00:04:40,481 --> 00:04:42,447 But then they reopened the murder case, so... 104 00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:44,015 Ooh! There you are! 105 00:04:44,017 --> 00:04:46,517 Hi, Helen, hi, Ralph! 106 00:04:46,519 --> 00:04:49,754 I like it, so I'm gonna put a class ring on it. 107 00:04:49,756 --> 00:04:51,723 [LAUGHTER] 108 00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:55,026 - I better squeeze you! - Oh, you better! 109 00:04:55,028 --> 00:04:57,562 How are you? [GASPS] Look at your hair! 110 00:04:57,564 --> 00:04:59,297 Hey, Marjorie, Marjorie, 111 00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:00,631 so weird you dropped by 112 00:05:00,633 --> 00:05:03,668 just as I... was gettin' my twirl on! 113 00:05:03,670 --> 00:05:05,137 Ralph, are those devil sticks? 114 00:05:05,139 --> 00:05:06,904 Yep. I got 'em in the divorce. 115 00:05:06,906 --> 00:05:08,639 I am as single as a $1 bill. 116 00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:09,974 - Mm! - Mm-hmm. 117 00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:12,777 What is that wonderful scent that I'm smelling? 118 00:05:12,779 --> 00:05:14,579 Dark Temptation XL Body Spray. 119 00:05:14,581 --> 00:05:16,567 Ha ha! I knew it was you. 120 00:05:16,569 --> 00:05:18,783 I'm gonna get that for my mailman next Christmas. 121 00:05:18,785 --> 00:05:20,451 - That is so yummy on you. - Yeah, yeah. 122 00:05:20,453 --> 00:05:22,053 - Look at this. - Ooh! 123 00:05:22,055 --> 00:05:23,554 - Lookit. Lookit. - Oh, I can tell. 124 00:05:23,556 --> 00:05:24,989 That looks like something very special. 125 00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:26,425 - It's so special. - Uh... [STAMMERS] 126 00:05:26,427 --> 00:05:28,059 What you are looking at is a lock of hair 127 00:05:28,061 --> 00:05:29,927 of the legendary 128 00:05:29,929 --> 00:05:31,829 - Weird Al Yankovic. - Ooh. 129 00:05:31,831 --> 00:05:33,831 Marjorie, l-look, this is a new trick. 130 00:05:33,833 --> 00:05:35,967 I call this The Body Scan... watch this. 131 00:05:35,969 --> 00:05:38,936 Whoa! And then... yaaaah... 132 00:05:38,938 --> 00:05:41,072 - Opa! - Ooh! Ah, that was great! 133 00:05:41,074 --> 00:05:44,542 - Been workin' on it. - I was in line at JoAnn Fabrics, 134 00:05:44,544 --> 00:05:47,712 and who walks up but the Bard himself? 135 00:05:47,714 --> 00:05:49,722 So I cut a little bit of his mane 136 00:05:49,724 --> 00:05:51,224 when he wasn't paying attention. 137 00:05:51,226 --> 00:05:52,850 Oh, wow! 138 00:05:52,852 --> 00:05:54,686 This has truly made my day. 139 00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:56,654 Oh, thank you. Your hands have made my day. 140 00:05:56,656 --> 00:05:58,556 They're soft. They're real soft. 141 00:05:58,558 --> 00:06:00,275 Okay! Well, I gotta go 142 00:06:00,277 --> 00:06:02,060 and peddle my wares. [LAUGHS] 143 00:06:02,062 --> 00:06:04,095 Ah, it's so good. 144 00:06:04,097 --> 00:06:06,631 I didn't want that to end. 145 00:06:06,633 --> 00:06:09,600 [TENSE MUSIC] 146 00:06:09,602 --> 00:06:13,602 ♪♪ 147 00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:17,709 - [MUZAK PLAYING] - _ 148 00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:21,711 ♪♪ 149 00:06:26,586 --> 00:06:28,456 Here you go. 150 00:06:30,575 --> 00:06:33,510 Don't return forms until they're fully complete. 151 00:06:33,512 --> 00:06:35,993 I-I prefer to discuss some of these privately 152 00:06:35,995 --> 00:06:37,786 - with the doctor. - [WEIRD VOICE] Excuse me, 153 00:06:37,788 --> 00:06:39,272 is this where you donate the urine? 154 00:06:39,274 --> 00:06:41,032 - I'm a universal donor! - What are you... doing? 155 00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:42,867 - [LAUGHING] - What are you doing? 156 00:06:42,869 --> 00:06:45,028 You should have told me it was a doctor's appointment. 157 00:06:45,030 --> 00:06:47,739 I've got a great butt guy. Well, he's not a doctor, 158 00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:49,774 but he knows what he's doin' back there. 159 00:06:49,776 --> 00:06:52,371 Sir, your forms! 160 00:06:52,373 --> 00:06:54,145 First blank question. 161 00:06:54,147 --> 00:06:56,147 When was your last evacuation? 162 00:06:56,149 --> 00:06:57,849 - Oh, this... - Yeah, when was that thing? 163 00:06:57,851 --> 00:06:58,950 Come on, don't... 164 00:06:58,952 --> 00:07:00,685 I think we'd all like to know. 165 00:07:00,687 --> 00:07:02,754 This morning, on the drive over. 166 00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:04,555 - What... at the gas station? - Yep. 167 00:07:04,557 --> 00:07:06,091 You said you were buying gum, 168 00:07:06,093 --> 00:07:07,592 - you little liar! - I did buy gum! 169 00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:08,893 - [LOUD LAUGHING] - Ma'am! 170 00:07:08,895 --> 00:07:10,862 Be quiet! 171 00:07:10,864 --> 00:07:13,181 Everything in this waiting room 172 00:07:13,183 --> 00:07:16,701 must be orderly. 173 00:07:16,703 --> 00:07:18,424 Select a crayon. 174 00:07:18,426 --> 00:07:22,940 Draw your stool so that I can get on with my day. 175 00:07:22,942 --> 00:07:25,610 Draw it? 176 00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:28,780 Oh, my God. 177 00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:30,581 Hey. 178 00:07:30,583 --> 00:07:34,886 Hey, Mary, I'm actually pretty glad that you're here. 179 00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:37,689 Thanks for keeping this a secret, so... 180 00:07:37,691 --> 00:07:39,891 Seacrest. 181 00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:41,793 Ryan Seacrest. 182 00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:44,128 I would never tell Seacrest. 183 00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:46,731 I mean, I think he's got enough on his plate. 184 00:07:46,733 --> 00:07:48,933 [LAUGHS] You didn't tell Lynette, did you? 185 00:07:48,935 --> 00:07:51,002 'Cause... I just want... 186 00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:53,204 I just want my butt to be romantic. 187 00:07:53,206 --> 00:07:56,207 No, for the 15th time, I did not tell Lynette. 188 00:07:56,209 --> 00:07:58,176 Okay, good. 189 00:07:58,178 --> 00:08:01,612 So you're the only one that knows that... good. 190 00:08:01,614 --> 00:08:03,081 [DRAMATIC MUSIC] 191 00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:05,400 Knows what? About your butt surgery? 192 00:08:05,402 --> 00:08:06,818 Why is he face-up? 193 00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,219 Hey, no, no. 194 00:08:08,221 --> 00:08:13,091 No one else knowing... my Seacrests... 195 00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:19,831 [LIGHT MUSIC] 196 00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:21,534 Can I ask you guys a serious question? 197 00:08:21,536 --> 00:08:23,737 - Mm-hmm. - Yeah. 198 00:08:23,739 --> 00:08:25,136 Is this where the baby comes out? 199 00:08:25,138 --> 00:08:26,671 [LAUGHTER] 200 00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:27,872 Errrr... pffft! 201 00:08:27,874 --> 00:08:31,410 - [LAUGHTER] - You ladies are being very loud. 202 00:08:31,412 --> 00:08:32,546 - Ooh. - Sorry. 203 00:08:32,548 --> 00:08:35,300 Only the patient's ride needs to be in here. 204 00:08:35,302 --> 00:08:36,723 No, actually, we are the ride, 205 00:08:36,725 --> 00:08:37,749 - all three of us. - Mm-hmm. 206 00:08:37,751 --> 00:08:39,751 Well, maybe you'd be more comfortable 207 00:08:39,753 --> 00:08:41,819 waiting someplace more appropriate 208 00:08:41,821 --> 00:08:44,188 like a McDonald's Play Place. 209 00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:47,158 Ooh, I know she did not just tell this Burger Queen 210 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:48,826 to go to McDonald's. 211 00:08:48,828 --> 00:08:50,061 - Mm-mm. - Mm-mm. 212 00:08:50,063 --> 00:08:52,263 You said something about a lollipop. 213 00:08:52,265 --> 00:08:54,899 - Oh, there's our big guy! - Aw. 214 00:08:54,901 --> 00:08:56,300 Oh, are you okay? 215 00:08:56,302 --> 00:08:58,770 - No. - You're with Mr. Griffin? 216 00:08:58,772 --> 00:08:59,954 - Yeah. - I have some images 217 00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:01,005 from today's exam. 218 00:09:01,007 --> 00:09:02,840 W-what... w... 219 00:09:02,842 --> 00:09:05,910 So what you're looking at is the ascending colon. 220 00:09:05,912 --> 00:09:09,147 You're gonna see some swelling, especially in that photo. 221 00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:10,915 Pass that down and make sure everyone sees it. 222 00:09:10,917 --> 00:09:12,984 Everyone doesn't need to see it, that's... 223 00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:14,587 Wait, but doctor, why does this one 224 00:09:14,589 --> 00:09:16,054 have a question mark drawn on it? 225 00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:18,056 That spot is where I found a small polyp. 226 00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:20,493 - Wait, a polyp? - Most polyps are harmless. 227 00:09:20,495 --> 00:09:22,960 We'll run some tests and call you with the results tomorrow. 228 00:09:22,962 --> 00:09:26,931 W-w-w-w... for sure there's a polyp? 229 00:09:26,933 --> 00:09:28,434 - Here, y'all wanna see? - What are you doing? 230 00:09:28,436 --> 00:09:30,237 Don't pass it to her! Gimme, gimme, gimme! 231 00:09:30,239 --> 00:09:33,805 Passing... ugh. And why are you taking it? 232 00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:35,039 That's crazy. 233 00:09:35,041 --> 00:09:39,372 ♪♪ 234 00:09:39,374 --> 00:09:41,174 Ah-ah-hem! 235 00:09:41,176 --> 00:09:42,878 We'd like to talk to you all today 236 00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:44,147 about our friendship. 237 00:09:44,149 --> 00:09:47,085 We are hoping that our words will inspire you 238 00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:49,170 to vote for us for Whitlock's "Best Friends". 239 00:09:49,172 --> 00:09:50,338 "Friendship. 240 00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:52,308 Webster's Dictionary defines it 241 00:09:52,310 --> 00:09:54,410 as a person whom one knows 242 00:09:54,412 --> 00:09:56,979 and with whom one..." 243 00:09:56,981 --> 00:09:59,982 [ELECTRONIC MUSIC] 244 00:09:59,984 --> 00:10:01,317 ♪♪ 245 00:10:01,319 --> 00:10:03,052 BOTH: Friends! 246 00:10:03,054 --> 00:10:04,120 Friends! 247 00:10:04,122 --> 00:10:06,923 ♪♪ 248 00:10:06,925 --> 00:10:08,458 Friends! 249 00:10:08,460 --> 00:10:10,259 BOTH: Besties! 250 00:10:10,261 --> 00:10:12,228 BOTH: Friends! 251 00:10:12,230 --> 00:10:16,230 ♪♪ 252 00:10:20,238 --> 00:10:21,971 They're campaigning as write-in candidates, 253 00:10:21,973 --> 00:10:23,206 and they're going hard! 254 00:10:23,208 --> 00:10:26,943 Frickin' do-si-do... now! 255 00:10:26,945 --> 00:10:30,945 ♪♪ 256 00:10:39,547 --> 00:10:42,291 It's called The Serendipity. 257 00:10:42,293 --> 00:10:44,961 Oh. Now, by that do you mean this moment 258 00:10:44,963 --> 00:10:46,229 or the ring? 259 00:10:46,231 --> 00:10:47,698 I can't with you! 260 00:10:47,700 --> 00:10:49,701 I'm sorry that I'm being so funny and awesome 261 00:10:49,703 --> 00:10:52,004 while you're trying to work. Tell me about the ring. 262 00:10:52,006 --> 00:10:55,238 Not until you tell me more about these plates. 263 00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:57,173 Oh, my... 264 00:10:57,175 --> 00:10:59,242 Princess Di plates. Well, 265 00:10:59,244 --> 00:11:01,110 I just always really admired, you know, 266 00:11:01,112 --> 00:11:03,179 her stance on landmines. 267 00:11:03,181 --> 00:11:04,280 Against. 268 00:11:04,282 --> 00:11:06,082 Hmm. Yeah. 269 00:11:06,084 --> 00:11:08,517 I just started collecting them 270 00:11:08,519 --> 00:11:10,520 around the same time that my, uh... 271 00:11:10,522 --> 00:11:13,356 - [SOMBER MUSIC] - Parents started arguing. 272 00:11:13,358 --> 00:11:15,324 ♪♪ 273 00:11:15,326 --> 00:11:18,961 You poor, sweet man. 274 00:11:18,963 --> 00:11:22,265 Would you teach me Instagram? 275 00:11:22,267 --> 00:11:26,202 Oh! Somebody help me! 276 00:11:26,204 --> 00:11:28,204 - Helen, are you okay? - Oh! 277 00:11:28,206 --> 00:11:30,273 I just bopped my face on my monitor, 278 00:11:30,275 --> 00:11:32,309 and I knocked my tooth out! 279 00:11:32,311 --> 00:11:34,277 Thank heavens it's your fake tooth 280 00:11:34,279 --> 00:11:36,145 which can be replaced. 281 00:11:36,147 --> 00:11:38,114 Well, this one isn't. 282 00:11:38,116 --> 00:11:39,842 Oh, Helen, what are you doin'? 283 00:11:39,844 --> 00:11:41,711 You're a wild one, aren't you? 284 00:11:41,713 --> 00:11:44,353 Marjorie, Marjorie, I-I wrote a new song! 285 00:11:44,355 --> 00:11:45,388 Listen to this. 286 00:11:45,390 --> 00:11:47,023 ♪ Foot on the gas ♪ 287 00:11:47,025 --> 00:11:48,558 ♪ And I'm goin' too fast ♪ 288 00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:50,560 ♪ It's a rock n' roll car, yeah ♪ 289 00:11:50,562 --> 00:11:52,161 No, don't got in there, Marjorie. 290 00:11:52,163 --> 00:11:54,063 Stay with me, and I'll tell you the story 291 00:11:54,065 --> 00:11:55,666 about when I came out to my grandpa 292 00:11:55,668 --> 00:11:57,869 in the Denny's parking lot and it went just fine. 293 00:11:57,871 --> 00:12:01,571 [LAUGHS] What has gotten into you two goofs, huh? 294 00:12:01,573 --> 00:12:04,107 Because I want whatever y'all are havin'. 295 00:12:04,109 --> 00:12:05,575 [LAUGHTER] 296 00:12:05,577 --> 00:12:08,177 [SIGHS] 297 00:12:08,179 --> 00:12:11,180 [DRAMATIC MUSIC] 298 00:12:11,182 --> 00:12:15,182 ♪♪ 299 00:12:23,331 --> 00:12:24,965 Stef, what are you doing? 300 00:12:24,967 --> 00:12:26,497 Well, I'm making sure you're okay 301 00:12:26,499 --> 00:12:28,464 while also testing out some baby products. 302 00:12:28,466 --> 00:12:30,623 Wait a minute... I wasn't wearing pajamas before. 303 00:12:30,625 --> 00:12:32,068 Did you change me? 304 00:12:32,070 --> 00:12:35,104 Yes, we changed you. Don't get weird. 305 00:12:35,106 --> 00:12:38,274 Jack, you own "Fifty Shades of Grey"? 306 00:12:38,276 --> 00:12:41,043 ALL: Ooh! Freaky-deaky! 307 00:12:41,045 --> 00:12:44,046 All right, okay, there was a month where everyone got it! 308 00:12:44,048 --> 00:12:46,048 I-I didn't get the other shades! 309 00:12:46,050 --> 00:12:48,860 Look, can you guys just stop poking around my home? 310 00:12:48,862 --> 00:12:50,019 I'm feeling a little... 311 00:12:50,021 --> 00:12:52,388 Oh, um... vulnerable? 312 00:12:52,390 --> 00:12:54,701 - Whoops. - Actually, those are mine. 313 00:12:54,703 --> 00:12:56,092 Those are my gym panties. 314 00:12:56,094 --> 00:12:57,460 They must have fallen outta my coat pocket. 315 00:12:57,462 --> 00:12:59,422 - Oh, is that... - Look, enough! 316 00:12:59,424 --> 00:13:01,925 Look, this day has been a nightmare 317 00:13:01,927 --> 00:13:04,128 from start to finish, okay? I just wanna be alone. 318 00:13:04,130 --> 00:13:05,998 Well, we're not leaving you alone, okay? 319 00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:08,001 We're gonna stay here and tease you 320 00:13:08,003 --> 00:13:10,279 and help you forget about that scary test. 321 00:13:10,281 --> 00:13:13,016 When Keith gets scared, I sing to him. 322 00:13:13,018 --> 00:13:15,278 ♪ Don't you cry, little doggie ♪ 323 00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:17,340 Stop! No! 324 00:13:18,516 --> 00:13:20,317 Okay, we get it. 325 00:13:20,319 --> 00:13:21,620 You don't like to be goofed on. 326 00:13:21,622 --> 00:13:24,353 You don't like dog songs. What do you like? 327 00:13:24,355 --> 00:13:28,524 I like getting revenge on those who've wronged me. 328 00:13:28,526 --> 00:13:31,627 [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC] 329 00:13:31,629 --> 00:13:34,130 ♪♪ 330 00:13:34,132 --> 00:13:36,399 Oh, yeah, that woman's got to pay. 331 00:13:36,401 --> 00:13:38,267 [LINE RINGING] 332 00:13:38,269 --> 00:13:40,605 AGATHA: Leave your name and number after the beep 333 00:13:40,607 --> 00:13:43,272 and try not to mumble like a moron. 334 00:13:43,274 --> 00:13:45,108 - Oh. - [BEEP] 335 00:13:45,110 --> 00:13:47,110 Hi, I'm a mermaid. 336 00:13:47,112 --> 00:13:48,611 My name is... 337 00:13:48,613 --> 00:13:50,881 Eeeeeeeee! Eee-ee-ee... 338 00:13:50,883 --> 00:13:53,752 [RUSSIAN ACCENT] Hello. I am snow saleswoman. 339 00:13:53,754 --> 00:13:57,653 I will put you in igloo today, uh... 340 00:13:57,655 --> 00:14:01,624 [NORMAL VOICE] No, I... I'm... I wanna order a pizza, actually. 341 00:14:01,626 --> 00:14:03,459 And, um, with, um... 342 00:14:03,461 --> 00:14:06,095 I can't think of any toppings! 343 00:14:06,097 --> 00:14:09,098 - [BEEP] - I was referred to you by... 344 00:14:09,100 --> 00:14:11,167 [GROANS] Arrrrrhhhhh... 345 00:14:11,169 --> 00:14:14,019 - [BEEP] - Hello, my name is Peabody J. 346 00:14:14,021 --> 00:14:16,272 Taco of the hard shell Tacos. 347 00:14:16,274 --> 00:14:18,141 - [BEEP] - Would you accept 348 00:14:18,143 --> 00:14:19,575 a Groupon that expired in 349 00:14:19,577 --> 00:14:22,512 [GRUNTING] Urr! Uhh-Ooh-Oohhhh! 350 00:14:22,514 --> 00:14:25,515 [RUSSIAN ACCENT] It is saleswoman of the snow. 351 00:14:25,517 --> 00:14:27,617 And I sell the snow by the flake. 352 00:14:27,619 --> 00:14:31,320 Everyone is different. Oh, no, pepperoni! 353 00:14:31,322 --> 00:14:34,190 Pepperoni! Pep, please... Oh, ah... bye. 354 00:14:34,192 --> 00:14:36,359 - [LAUGHTER] - Oh, my God. 355 00:14:36,361 --> 00:14:38,628 [IRISH ACCENT] Oh, Molly, I love ya. 356 00:14:38,630 --> 00:14:41,197 Come to da poob and tip da pint! 357 00:14:41,199 --> 00:14:42,598 What kind of accent is that? 358 00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:44,200 Irish. 359 00:14:44,202 --> 00:14:46,436 Uh-uh, girl, that was full-on pirate. 360 00:14:46,438 --> 00:14:48,693 - [BEEP] - This is Horace T. Taco 361 00:14:48,695 --> 00:14:50,473 of the soft shell Tacos. 362 00:14:50,475 --> 00:14:52,142 Perhaps you know my arch nemesis... 363 00:14:52,144 --> 00:14:53,609 The mailbox is full and cannot accept 364 00:14:53,611 --> 00:14:55,279 - any messages at this time. - It's full. 365 00:14:55,281 --> 00:14:56,948 - Good-bye. - It's full... we did it. 366 00:14:56,950 --> 00:14:59,215 - Yes! - Yes! 367 00:14:59,217 --> 00:15:00,583 Ah! 368 00:15:00,585 --> 00:15:02,718 Nice. 369 00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:05,388 You guys wearing my sweatpants? 370 00:15:05,390 --> 00:15:08,558 - ♪♪ - _ 371 00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:12,662 [INDISTINCT CHATTER] 372 00:15:12,664 --> 00:15:15,234 You think you're bester friends than us? 373 00:15:16,335 --> 00:15:18,403 - We challenge you to a duel - _ 374 00:15:18,405 --> 00:15:20,139 that we hope that we will win. 375 00:15:20,141 --> 00:15:21,941 - Fine. - Sounds good. 376 00:15:23,741 --> 00:15:25,408 - All right, everybody, - _ 377 00:15:25,410 --> 00:15:27,643 just three questions left. 378 00:15:27,645 --> 00:15:29,679 Let's take a little trip to Tinseltown. 379 00:15:29,681 --> 00:15:33,550 Victor, what is Eduardo's favorite movie? 380 00:15:33,552 --> 00:15:35,672 Oh, that's an easy one. It used to be "Shanghai Noon", 381 00:15:35,674 --> 00:15:37,253 but now he can't fall asleep at night 382 00:15:37,255 --> 00:15:39,223 without watching "Pitch Perfect 2". 383 00:15:39,225 --> 00:15:41,838 Wait... does that mean he hates "Pitch Perfect 2" 384 00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:43,007 because it puts him to sleep? 385 00:15:43,009 --> 00:15:44,794 I'm gonna need a final answer, buddy. 386 00:15:44,796 --> 00:15:47,463 Uh, "Shanghai Noon". Final answer. 387 00:15:47,465 --> 00:15:49,365 Eduardo. 388 00:15:49,367 --> 00:15:51,467 - Oh, my God! - Come on, man! 389 00:15:51,469 --> 00:15:53,402 We talked a bunch about how the young women 390 00:15:53,404 --> 00:15:55,139 really find their stride in the sequel. 391 00:15:55,141 --> 00:15:58,808 All right, Grace, it is time to ride the rainbow. 392 00:15:58,810 --> 00:16:01,410 What's Anthony's favorite color? 393 00:16:01,412 --> 00:16:04,814 Um, his shirt is blue, 394 00:16:04,816 --> 00:16:07,417 so... blue? 395 00:16:07,419 --> 00:16:08,651 Yes! 396 00:16:08,653 --> 00:16:09,786 You literally see me! 397 00:16:09,788 --> 00:16:11,487 I love my BFF! 398 00:16:11,489 --> 00:16:13,556 My man! 399 00:16:13,558 --> 00:16:15,558 It's time for the last question. 400 00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:18,973 Eduardo, let's talk grub, bub. 401 00:16:18,975 --> 00:16:21,184 What is Victor's favorite food? 402 00:16:21,186 --> 00:16:23,087 - Pot pie. - What? 403 00:16:23,089 --> 00:16:24,696 Pot pie... you said just Friday 404 00:16:24,698 --> 00:16:26,602 that my mother's pot pie was the best in the world. 405 00:16:26,604 --> 00:16:28,738 It's pizza. It's pizza! 406 00:16:28,740 --> 00:16:30,373 It's always pizza! 407 00:16:30,375 --> 00:16:31,774 - Ooh! - Ooh... 408 00:16:31,776 --> 00:16:33,476 Eduardo, we're teens! 409 00:16:33,478 --> 00:16:35,645 We're like two decades out from lovin' pot pie. 410 00:16:35,647 --> 00:16:37,828 Then why did Victor say that to my mother 411 00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:39,248 about her pot pie? 412 00:16:39,250 --> 00:16:41,384 I was being nice! 413 00:16:41,386 --> 00:16:43,319 Let's give it up for our best friends... 414 00:16:43,321 --> 00:16:45,455 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 415 00:16:45,457 --> 00:16:50,199 ♪♪ 416 00:16:50,201 --> 00:16:53,663 Helen, I know it's been awkward, so... 417 00:16:53,665 --> 00:16:55,598 I'm just gonna come out and say it. 418 00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:58,601 Today is Marjorie's last day and... 419 00:16:58,603 --> 00:17:00,503 I think you should ask her out. 420 00:17:00,505 --> 00:17:01,737 I mean, your eyes light up 421 00:17:01,739 --> 00:17:03,439 whenever she walks into the room! 422 00:17:03,441 --> 00:17:06,409 Yes, Marjorie makes my nether regions 423 00:17:06,411 --> 00:17:08,320 thump the "Law & Order" theme, 424 00:17:08,322 --> 00:17:10,580 but I couldn't do that to you, Ralph. 425 00:17:10,582 --> 00:17:13,382 This is the first time that you've flirted with anyone 426 00:17:13,384 --> 00:17:15,618 since your divorce. 427 00:17:15,620 --> 00:17:17,653 I would rather die again. 428 00:17:17,655 --> 00:17:19,290 Oh, hi, Helen! 429 00:17:19,292 --> 00:17:22,325 I have an extremely important question to ask you. 430 00:17:22,327 --> 00:17:24,360 If I said you had a nice body, 431 00:17:24,362 --> 00:17:25,661 would you hold it against me? 432 00:17:25,663 --> 00:17:27,563 Oh, it's a riddle? 433 00:17:27,565 --> 00:17:29,599 Oh, uh... of course I would 434 00:17:29,601 --> 00:17:32,635 hold my body against you, Marjorie, 435 00:17:32,637 --> 00:17:34,272 and so would Ralph! 436 00:17:34,274 --> 00:17:36,706 Ah! Both of you, huh? 437 00:17:36,708 --> 00:17:39,642 'Cause that sounds like my kinda party! 438 00:17:39,644 --> 00:17:41,878 Well, maybe I'll swing by later and we can, uh, 439 00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:44,547 get into some trouble together? 440 00:17:44,549 --> 00:17:47,389 - [CHUCKLES] - [DRAMATIC MUSIC] 441 00:17:50,622 --> 00:17:52,555 ♪ Dun-dun ♪ 442 00:17:52,557 --> 00:17:55,725 Did she just propose what I think she did? 443 00:17:55,727 --> 00:17:57,527 I think so. 444 00:17:57,529 --> 00:17:59,529 A three-way at work. 445 00:17:59,531 --> 00:18:01,798 Well, it's official. I'm turning into my mother. [CHUCKLES] 446 00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:03,566 But we... we... we can't! 447 00:18:03,568 --> 00:18:05,135 I mean, right? 448 00:18:05,137 --> 00:18:07,572 No! I mean, we can't look at each other naked. 449 00:18:07,574 --> 00:18:10,473 We're gonna say, "Marjorie, we'll do things with you, 450 00:18:10,475 --> 00:18:12,909 but not with each other?" That's just weird! 451 00:18:12,911 --> 00:18:15,634 Dear Marjorie, here's 102 rules 452 00:18:15,636 --> 00:18:17,180 before we start smoochin'. 453 00:18:17,182 --> 00:18:19,255 I mean, we could do less rules, but... 454 00:18:19,257 --> 00:18:21,191 - [LAUGHING] No, forget it! - [LAUGHING] 455 00:18:21,193 --> 00:18:23,161 Oh, no, that's crazy, right? 456 00:18:23,163 --> 00:18:24,491 - Whoo! - Ha ha ha ha. 457 00:18:24,493 --> 00:18:26,327 What? 458 00:18:26,329 --> 00:18:29,759 [LAUGHTER CONTINUES] 459 00:18:32,831 --> 00:18:36,365 [LOUD, FORCED LAUGH] 460 00:18:36,367 --> 00:18:37,867 [SIGHS] 461 00:18:37,869 --> 00:18:40,570 ♪♪ 462 00:18:40,572 --> 00:18:45,081 Hi, um, I'm calling for the results of my colonoscopy. 463 00:18:45,083 --> 00:18:46,150 Jack Griffin. 464 00:18:46,152 --> 00:18:47,252 Mr. Griffin, 465 00:18:47,254 --> 00:18:50,813 I received 127 messages 466 00:18:50,815 --> 00:18:54,517 from what sounded like you and your loud friends. 467 00:18:54,519 --> 00:18:56,086 [LAUGHING] Unfortunately, 468 00:18:56,088 --> 00:18:58,621 all of those messages flooded our system 469 00:18:58,623 --> 00:19:01,791 and deleted your test results to make space. 470 00:19:01,793 --> 00:19:03,260 Wait, wait, wait. 471 00:19:03,262 --> 00:19:05,862 Voicemails deleted a test result? 472 00:19:05,864 --> 00:19:07,227 H... that can't be a thing. 473 00:19:07,229 --> 00:19:09,599 You'll need to get another colonoscopy 474 00:19:09,601 --> 00:19:12,502 tomorrow morning to be absolutely certain 475 00:19:12,504 --> 00:19:13,704 you're cancer-free. 476 00:19:13,706 --> 00:19:17,907 I hope you and your friends had fun, Mr. Taco. 477 00:19:17,909 --> 00:19:21,844 [DRAMATIC MUSIC] 478 00:19:21,846 --> 00:19:24,914 She knows it was us who did the prank calls. 479 00:19:24,916 --> 00:19:26,749 She's making me do the test again. 480 00:19:26,751 --> 00:19:29,020 - That sucks! - Damn! 481 00:19:29,022 --> 00:19:30,753 Well, I guess she won. 482 00:19:30,755 --> 00:19:33,890 [SUCKS TONGUE] Or maybe not. 483 00:19:33,892 --> 00:19:36,993 But it's gonna cost me my last shred of dignity. 484 00:19:36,995 --> 00:19:38,665 ♪♪ 485 00:19:42,967 --> 00:19:46,602 [DARK MUSIC] 486 00:19:46,604 --> 00:19:49,504 Aren't you forgetting something? 487 00:19:50,608 --> 00:19:51,878 [SIGHS] 488 00:19:54,078 --> 00:19:56,612 [CLEARS THROAT] In the end, 489 00:19:56,614 --> 00:19:58,948 the winners of the "Best Friends" category 490 00:19:58,950 --> 00:20:00,817 were the write-in candidates. 491 00:20:00,819 --> 00:20:03,286 Yes! You do the work, you get the reward! 492 00:20:03,288 --> 00:20:05,488 - Oh! - Actually, I meant Ashley 493 00:20:05,490 --> 00:20:07,890 - and Amanda. - Yes! Ohh! 494 00:20:07,892 --> 00:20:09,525 They're back, baby. 495 00:20:09,527 --> 00:20:12,628 [MELANCHOLY MUSIC] 496 00:20:12,630 --> 00:20:16,866 ♪♪ 497 00:20:16,868 --> 00:20:18,968 Here, you take these. 498 00:20:18,970 --> 00:20:22,038 Ours was a sham friendship anyways. 499 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:24,107 You two are the real BFFs. 500 00:20:24,109 --> 00:20:26,642 We don't deserve your used hats. 501 00:20:26,644 --> 00:20:28,845 [SOFTLY] I said pot pie. 502 00:20:28,847 --> 00:20:30,913 Come on, you're Victuardo. 503 00:20:30,915 --> 00:20:34,918 ♪♪ 504 00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:37,754 During last night's closing statements 505 00:20:37,756 --> 00:20:39,623 of "Bunkbed Breakdown", 506 00:20:39,625 --> 00:20:41,493 we agreed that you guys could be, like, 507 00:20:41,495 --> 00:20:43,826 actual best friends. 508 00:20:43,828 --> 00:20:47,130 It seems like you have a real special thing gestating. 509 00:20:47,132 --> 00:20:49,762 Then my brother threw up and Victor had to go home. 510 00:20:50,902 --> 00:20:52,735 Okay. 511 00:20:52,737 --> 00:20:55,877 ♪♪ 512 00:20:57,675 --> 00:21:00,109 Although I am thrilled 513 00:21:00,111 --> 00:21:02,745 that your loud, obnoxious friends aren't here, 514 00:21:02,747 --> 00:21:04,847 you do need to have a ride present, 515 00:21:04,849 --> 00:21:07,583 so you'll have to continue to fast 516 00:21:07,585 --> 00:21:10,394 and come back tomorrow and take the test again. 517 00:21:10,396 --> 00:21:12,330 Yeah, no. 518 00:21:12,332 --> 00:21:13,932 I have a ride. 519 00:21:16,027 --> 00:21:18,694 [LOUDER] I have a ride! 520 00:21:18,696 --> 00:21:20,763 Whoo-hoo! [LAUGHING] 521 00:21:20,765 --> 00:21:23,032 - Ah! - Oh, no... 522 00:21:23,034 --> 00:21:26,068 Oh, this is not... No, this is it. 523 00:21:26,070 --> 00:21:28,805 - No, no, no, no. - These are my friends. 524 00:21:28,807 --> 00:21:30,773 This is completely illegal. 525 00:21:30,775 --> 00:21:32,642 You can't just come in here like this. 526 00:21:32,644 --> 00:21:34,177 - No! - [EVERYONE WHOOPING] 527 00:21:34,179 --> 00:21:35,945 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 528 00:21:35,947 --> 00:21:37,780 This is illegal! 529 00:21:37,782 --> 00:21:40,716 [OVERLAPPING SHOUTING, CHEERING] 530 00:21:40,718 --> 00:21:42,151 - No! Enough! - No? 531 00:21:42,153 --> 00:21:43,663 - Enough! - Oh. 532 00:21:43,665 --> 00:21:45,188 Stop! 533 00:21:45,190 --> 00:21:47,590 You want your results? Fine. 534 00:21:49,727 --> 00:21:52,662 Everything was clear. 535 00:21:52,664 --> 00:21:55,832 And I'm happy to share it with everyone. 536 00:21:55,834 --> 00:21:59,202 ♪♪ 537 00:21:59,204 --> 00:22:01,037 [ALL WHOOPING] 538 00:22:01,039 --> 00:22:04,207 Please stop. Just go. 539 00:22:04,209 --> 00:22:06,876 No, no. Please go away. 540 00:22:06,878 --> 00:22:08,644 Ohh... 541 00:22:08,646 --> 00:22:09,912 - Hi! - Wow. 542 00:22:09,914 --> 00:22:11,282 Oh, so glad you made it. 543 00:22:11,284 --> 00:22:13,082 So that's you there, huh? 544 00:22:13,084 --> 00:22:15,118 - That's me! - Mmm! 545 00:22:15,120 --> 00:22:16,819 - Well, I'm glad you're healthy. - Mm-hmm. 546 00:22:16,821 --> 00:22:19,272 Maybe next time I could give you a ride, huh? 547 00:22:19,274 --> 00:22:20,508 Okay. 548 00:22:20,510 --> 00:22:22,511 Hey, um, you wanna know something 549 00:22:22,513 --> 00:22:24,794 that's even more humiliating than this? 550 00:22:24,796 --> 00:22:26,062 What? 551 00:22:26,064 --> 00:22:27,964 I own "Fifty Shades of Grey". 552 00:22:29,801 --> 00:22:31,167 We all bought it that month. 553 00:22:31,169 --> 00:22:33,202 - Yeah. - You... 554 00:22:33,204 --> 00:22:35,774 you did buy it that month, right? 555 00:22:37,041 --> 00:22:39,642 Yeah! 556 00:22:39,644 --> 00:22:42,025 Hey, the whole school's having a party 557 00:22:42,027 --> 00:22:44,247 at my gastroenterologist's and I'm not even invited? 558 00:22:44,249 --> 00:22:45,982 [SCOFFS] Oof! 559 00:22:45,984 --> 00:22:48,117 ♪♪ 560 00:22:48,119 --> 00:22:49,719 Y'all rascals here? 561 00:22:49,721 --> 00:22:51,581 I'm heading out. 562 00:22:52,724 --> 00:22:54,257 Oh. 563 00:22:54,259 --> 00:22:55,992 [CHUCKLES] 564 00:22:55,994 --> 00:22:58,127 [SNIFFS] Mmm. 565 00:22:58,129 --> 00:23:01,609 Dearest Marjorie, it's me, Ralph. 566 00:23:01,611 --> 00:23:04,847 And me, Helen. I'm the purple pen. 567 00:23:04,849 --> 00:23:07,870 We think you're the best thing since sliced ham. 568 00:23:07,872 --> 00:23:09,238 RALPH: And you've made me excited 569 00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:11,707 about the idea of being single. 570 00:23:11,709 --> 00:23:14,778 But because we are long-time friends and coworkers... 571 00:23:14,780 --> 00:23:16,712 HELEN: We respectfully decline your offer 572 00:23:16,714 --> 00:23:18,749 of a sex three-way. 573 00:23:18,751 --> 00:23:20,552 RALPH: You could just say three-way. 574 00:23:20,554 --> 00:23:22,156 HELEN: Well, you could just tell me that 575 00:23:22,158 --> 00:23:23,524 instead of writing it down. 576 00:23:23,526 --> 00:23:24,693 RALPH: Let's just start over! 577 00:23:24,695 --> 00:23:27,090 HELEN: This is my only piece of stationary, Ralph. 578 00:23:27,092 --> 00:23:28,858 RALPH: What about the stationary with the cat 579 00:23:28,860 --> 00:23:29,892 dressed as Shakespeare? 580 00:23:29,894 --> 00:23:31,095 HELEN: Well, that's tucked 581 00:23:31,097 --> 00:23:33,131 under the copier so it doesn't rattle. 582 00:23:33,133 --> 00:23:34,434 Hey, are you hungry? 583 00:23:34,436 --> 00:23:36,439 RALPH: I could use a bowl of chili right now. 584 00:23:36,441 --> 00:23:37,771 Shall we? 585 00:23:45,515 --> 00:23:49,515 - Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com - 41123

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