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- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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_
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Hello, Whitlock students. I'm Mr. Pugh.
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00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:15,566
And I'm very excited to invite you
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00:00:15,568 --> 00:00:17,001
to join the Toledo chapter
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00:00:17,003 --> 00:00:19,504
of Ohio Naturalists.
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The program offers hands-on learning
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and a chance to become
a citizen scientist.
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00:00:23,843 --> 00:00:25,109
- [BEE BUZZING]
- Oh, hello, Mr. Bee.
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00:00:25,111 --> 00:00:26,180
Oh.
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Looks like somebody
wants to get on camera.
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00:00:27,747 --> 00:00:30,987
Uh, this year, we're going
on an overnight field trip
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to Swan Creek Preserve Metropark...
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the bees are back. Ah.
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Brought a friend. Or two.
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Uh, you know, bees are actually...
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they're very friendly.
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They... they know not to attack
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unless they're feeling threatened or...
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[YELPS] Bananas!
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Got me.
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Sometimes they get confused, but...
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Owee.
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[LAUGHS AWKWARDLY]
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Oh, well, uh...
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We will, uh, embark on
a variety of activities.
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Uh, from bird counts to stream sampling.
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Plant identi... please go away from...
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[CRUNCHES]
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Oh, no.
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I stepped on a goose nest.
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Oh. Its babies.
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I squished them. Oh, no.
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Go away!
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♪ Next time, I'll listen to my heart ♪
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♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪
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♪♪
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- Aw, God. Would you please stop?
- _
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I'm nice.
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Mr. Pugh asked me to edit that out,
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but I do not know how to do that.
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- [BELL RINGING]
- Okay, Rams.
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Get ready to grab the day by...
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When you're in the wild,
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if you need to heighten
your sense of smell,
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you lick your fingers
and wet your nostrils.
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Like so.
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Like, if I'm a wolf?
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And I wanna sniff out a fat bunny?
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Hm.
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All right.
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Begin shutting your mouths up.
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I cannot believe I'm saying this,
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but Sarika is now my favorite.
55
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Yeah... her aunt wants
to publish my book,
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00:02:10,917 --> 00:02:13,685
"The Pursuit of Happiness
Through Societal Regression".
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We're meeting for dinner
tonight at Mansy's.
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Mansy's is very romantic.
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I took Sarah, my college
girlfriend, there.
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Oh! You gave her a name!
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Nice! But this is not a date.
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Besides, my aunt only goes
for guys who drive BMWs.
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Not driver's ed cars.
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And Heather's back to being my favorite.
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Don't call it a comeback.
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Okay. Yeah.
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So I guess the only
question that remains is
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how should I pose for the photo
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on the back cover of my book, you know?
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Oh. Maybe I'll hold this skull.
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Like Hamlet. You know?
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But it'd be like this child's skill,
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so my hands look bigger.
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_
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You know, so my hands look bigger.
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Right. Let's hold off on that.
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Oh, okay.
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I read the first chapter of your book.
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You're clearly a good writer.
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Oh. Thanks.
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00:03:03,336 --> 00:03:05,570
Yeah, I write to discover what I know.
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That's Flannery O'Connor.
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Cool.
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Now, perhaps you've heard of my client,
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best-selling author, Robin Schwonk.
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The final book in his
"Rock Bottom" trilogy,
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"Disgraced", is set to be
released in three weeks.
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But he's having a personal trauma,
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and hasn't written it.
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His beloved Pekingese has psoriasis.
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[SNORTS]
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Sorry, the elbow rash stuff?
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On a dog? [LAUGHS]
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We need "Disgraced" ASAP.
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We have 50,000 pre-sales,
and I have spent the money.
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I finally had my shoulders done.
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Oh, good... good. Yeah, no... sorry.
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What does this have to do with my book?
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This is your book.
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I want you to write "Disgraced".
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- Uh...
- [SCOFFS]
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"A brilliant but emotionally
stunted psychopath
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is disgraced and moves
home to the Midwest.
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His intense shame drives him to murder".
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I mean, the main
character is basically you.
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00:03:57,891 --> 00:04:00,058
No, I... I don't relate
to that character at all.
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Excuse me, sir. Is
this your child's skull?
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It is.
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I just got chills.
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You're perfect.
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Sarika told me you
were fired from Harvard,
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and live in your dead
mother's apartment.
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- Townhome.
- You are "Disgraced".
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Sorry, I live in my
dead mother's townhome.
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You'll be paid, of course.
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And if you nail this, I
will do everything I can
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to get your book published.
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Okay.
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I'm in.
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- [CHUCKLING]
- Ow, ow, ow, ow.
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Oh, oh. Shoulders.
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- Right.
- [CHUCKLES]
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- [LAUGHING]
- _
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Oh. Good morning, ladies.
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00:04:40,066 --> 00:04:41,666
[LAUGHS] While you were out buying
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00:04:41,668 --> 00:04:44,268
paintings of wine bottles at TJ Maxx,
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00:04:44,270 --> 00:04:47,338
I pulled one over on the rubes
who buy books at airports.
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00:04:47,340 --> 00:04:50,108
- I wrote a Schwonk.
- Whoa.
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00:04:50,110 --> 00:04:52,176
You wrote a book for Robin Schwonk?
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00:04:52,178 --> 00:04:53,277
- Mm-hmm.
- Dang.
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00:04:53,279 --> 00:04:56,247
I still remember reading
"Bone Freaks" when I was 13.
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That's where I learned
the word "areola".
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00:04:58,051 --> 00:05:00,006
- Oh.
- Anyway, I think you guys are gonna be
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00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:01,295
the perfect audience for this, I do.
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00:05:01,297 --> 00:05:02,320
Check... check this out.
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- "I woke up in a seedy motel.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC]
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What was left of the desk
clerk stared back to me.
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00:05:07,961 --> 00:05:10,094
- Eyes vacant..."
- Oh, God, stop!
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00:05:10,096 --> 00:05:12,096
That's giving me the creep sweats.
140
00:05:12,098 --> 00:05:14,332
Hey, creep sweats are the
panties thrown on stage
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00:05:14,334 --> 00:05:15,466
of horror writing, so.
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- [LAUGHS]
- Jesus, Jack.
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00:05:16,485 --> 00:05:17,935
It's 8:00 in the morning.
144
00:05:17,937 --> 00:05:19,337
Yeah, oh, sorry. I haven't slept.
145
00:05:19,339 --> 00:05:20,673
Uh-uh. You know what you see.
146
00:05:20,675 --> 00:05:24,042
That is exactly why he's listed
in my "If I Go Missing" kit.
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00:05:24,044 --> 00:05:25,877
What's an "If I Go Missing" kit?
148
00:05:25,879 --> 00:05:28,246
So it is a kit that you
make for the police
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00:05:28,248 --> 00:05:29,380
in case you go missing.
150
00:05:29,382 --> 00:05:31,849
And inside it has all your passwords,
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00:05:31,851 --> 00:05:34,786
your DNA, a recent photo
of you for the news,
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00:05:34,788 --> 00:05:38,389
and a list of men you think
might wanna kill or kidnap you.
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00:05:38,391 --> 00:05:39,958
Every lady needs one.
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00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:41,492
Except me because I'm microchipped.
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00:05:41,494 --> 00:05:45,330
However, I did make a "If
Durbin Goes Missing" kit.
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00:05:45,332 --> 00:05:48,166
And just for your information,
it is in this drawer here.
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00:05:48,168 --> 00:05:49,367
And it is always locked.
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00:05:49,369 --> 00:05:51,502
Nope. Not locked.
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All right. Let me show you.
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ALL: Ooh.
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Very top secret.
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I've got a blood sample.
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00:05:58,812 --> 00:06:00,979
I won't tell you what
hole that came out of.
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Michelle, the point is
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you needed a kit like yesterday, okay?
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00:06:05,251 --> 00:06:07,020
Like, watch a "Dateline".
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00:06:09,756 --> 00:06:11,356
Well. Kiddos.
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This weekend, I crapped
out a Robin Schwonk novel.
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00:06:14,361 --> 00:06:16,527
[LAUGHS]
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Uh, all due respect, boss.
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Robin Schwonk doesn't use ghost writers.
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Well, this is a one-time thing, Heather.
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He's in a dark place right now.
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Apparently his dog has psoriasis.
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00:06:26,840 --> 00:06:28,506
Millie? Oh, no.
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Mm-hmm.
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00:06:29,542 --> 00:06:32,143
[PHONE RINGING]
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00:06:32,145 --> 00:06:34,445
- Hello?
- Jack Griffin.
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00:06:34,447 --> 00:06:36,481
Hey. Robin Schwonk.
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00:06:36,483 --> 00:06:39,384
I just finished reading
your draft of "Disgraced".
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You did? Great.
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00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:42,121
[MOUTHING WORDS]
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00:06:42,123 --> 00:06:43,554
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
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00:06:43,556 --> 00:06:46,124
No let me ask you something.
185
00:06:46,126 --> 00:06:48,559
Do you like messing with me?
186
00:06:48,561 --> 00:06:52,497
'Cause I just finished wiping
my ass with that pile of shit.
187
00:06:52,499 --> 00:06:54,465
Have you even read any of my trilogies?
188
00:06:54,467 --> 00:06:56,167
'Cause this is nothing like my work.
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00:06:56,169 --> 00:06:58,369
I'm not gonna put my name
on this, you little piggie!
190
00:06:58,371 --> 00:06:59,537
- Next.
- Hold on.
191
00:06:59,539 --> 00:07:01,172
Hello, sweetie.
192
00:07:01,174 --> 00:07:02,907
I'm here to pick up psoriasis cream
193
00:07:02,909 --> 00:07:05,476
for Millie Schwonk.
194
00:07:05,478 --> 00:07:07,045
Say, where's Margaret anyway?
195
00:07:07,047 --> 00:07:08,212
Oh! There she is.
196
00:07:08,214 --> 00:07:09,525
I didn't see you back there, doll.
197
00:07:09,527 --> 00:07:10,561
How are you?
198
00:07:10,563 --> 00:07:13,418
Well, sweetie, you
look great with a tan.
199
00:07:13,420 --> 00:07:15,219
Hawaii? Oh, well.
200
00:07:15,221 --> 00:07:16,554
I gotta change my line of work.
201
00:07:16,556 --> 00:07:18,222
Hello? Wh...
202
00:07:18,224 --> 00:07:19,590
Yeah, Jackie.
203
00:07:19,592 --> 00:07:21,456
Let's fix this. Okay, bud?
204
00:07:21,458 --> 00:07:22,459
Let's get it done.
205
00:07:22,461 --> 00:07:23,928
Okay. Bye-bye now.
206
00:07:23,930 --> 00:07:26,531
- Oh...
- [CALL DISCONNECTS]
207
00:07:26,533 --> 00:07:28,299
Well.
208
00:07:28,301 --> 00:07:30,804
There's eight hours
of work down the drain.
209
00:07:37,410 --> 00:07:39,344
So he hated it, huh?
210
00:07:39,346 --> 00:07:41,612
Well you did say you crapped it out, so,
211
00:07:41,614 --> 00:07:44,402
you know, that had me
worried since Jump Street.
212
00:07:44,404 --> 00:07:46,839
Marcus, go stick your
hand in the window sill.
213
00:07:46,841 --> 00:07:49,287
Dan, slam the window down
on it as hard as you can.
214
00:07:49,289 --> 00:07:50,955
Okay, you know I can't do that, Mr. G.
215
00:07:50,957 --> 00:07:52,223
Come on, boss.
216
00:07:52,225 --> 00:07:54,425
You gotta have thick
skin in the writing biz.
217
00:07:54,427 --> 00:07:57,895
I have had ten stories rejected
by the "Whitlock Gazette",
218
00:07:57,897 --> 00:08:00,031
and I'm "friends with the editor".
219
00:08:00,033 --> 00:08:01,099
I told you.
220
00:08:01,101 --> 00:08:03,001
We don't publish mature content.
221
00:08:03,003 --> 00:08:04,168
[SIGHS] Fact.
222
00:08:04,170 --> 00:08:06,170
Two of the greatest minds on the planet,
223
00:08:06,172 --> 00:08:08,239
Schwonk and Griffin, are teaming up.
224
00:08:08,241 --> 00:08:10,875
And I, Heather Marie Willmore,
225
00:08:10,877 --> 00:08:13,411
will be able to help them both.
226
00:08:13,413 --> 00:08:15,446
We can fix this, comrade.
227
00:08:15,448 --> 00:08:17,148
Let's do it for Millie.
228
00:08:17,150 --> 00:08:18,250
Who's Mille again?
229
00:08:18,252 --> 00:08:20,518
That's Schwonk's psoriasis dog.
230
00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:24,155
I think the millionaire's
ashy bitch is gonna be okay.
231
00:08:24,157 --> 00:08:26,926
I have psoriasis, but no
one's worried about me.
232
00:08:28,094 --> 00:08:30,097
You all won't even look at me!
233
00:08:32,098 --> 00:08:34,067
Look at me!
234
00:08:36,036 --> 00:08:37,868
- I did a lot of photos
- _
235
00:08:37,870 --> 00:08:39,103
for my "If I Go Missing" kit,
236
00:08:39,105 --> 00:08:40,972
because let's be honest.
237
00:08:40,974 --> 00:08:42,573
You don't know what
state you're gonna be in
238
00:08:42,575 --> 00:08:44,208
if and when the police find you.
239
00:08:44,210 --> 00:08:47,408
So, this is if I've been
missing in the woods
240
00:08:47,410 --> 00:08:49,113
for a couple weeks. Mm!
241
00:08:49,115 --> 00:08:51,449
Here's if I've disappeared
from a cruise ship.
242
00:08:51,451 --> 00:08:52,650
- Oh.
- Oh!
243
00:08:52,652 --> 00:08:54,652
And this is if I get taken
244
00:08:54,654 --> 00:08:56,354
from an award ceremony.
245
00:08:56,356 --> 00:08:58,222
And if I'm found dead at the ceremony.
246
00:08:58,224 --> 00:08:59,991
- Oh.
- Oh, cute, right?
247
00:08:59,993 --> 00:09:02,060
Now, I went ahead and left
instructions for my funeral.
248
00:09:02,062 --> 00:09:04,028
- Oh.
- Yes.
249
00:09:04,030 --> 00:09:07,098
"First, my silky-voiced cousin
Reggie will read my eulogy.
250
00:09:07,100 --> 00:09:08,533
But if he's no longer with us,
251
00:09:08,535 --> 00:09:10,368
I guess my sister, Angela, can do it.
252
00:09:10,370 --> 00:09:12,036
But please tell her to focus.
253
00:09:12,038 --> 00:09:14,072
Because her S's can be too lazy".
254
00:09:14,074 --> 00:09:15,239
- Mm-hmm.
- Wow.
255
00:09:15,241 --> 00:09:17,275
I can't even think of anyone
256
00:09:17,277 --> 00:09:19,978
for my list of men who are
likely to kidnap or kill me.
257
00:09:19,980 --> 00:09:21,179
- I'm...
- BOTH: Keith.
258
00:09:21,181 --> 00:09:23,148
- Like, 100% Keith.
- Your husband, Keith.
259
00:09:23,150 --> 00:09:24,284
Like, Keith would absolutely kill you.
260
00:09:24,286 --> 00:09:25,383
Keith will be the one to murder you.
261
00:09:25,385 --> 00:09:26,651
- [BOTH LAUGH]
- It'll be Keith.
262
00:09:26,653 --> 00:09:27,952
In the dead of the night.
263
00:09:27,954 --> 00:09:31,222
It's always the husband, Michelle.
264
00:09:31,224 --> 00:09:33,291
Um, just curious.
265
00:09:33,293 --> 00:09:36,327
Uh, did one of you happen
to sneak into my email,
266
00:09:36,329 --> 00:09:38,997
and send a funny but hurtful message
267
00:09:38,999 --> 00:09:40,264
to the whole school from my account?
268
00:09:40,266 --> 00:09:42,467
Oh. You mean this email that says,
269
00:09:42,469 --> 00:09:45,069
"I HAVE A DIRTY BUTT" in call caps?
270
00:09:45,071 --> 00:09:47,372
- [ALL LAUGHING]
- That's funny.
271
00:09:47,374 --> 00:09:49,372
For the record, my butt is very clean.
272
00:09:49,374 --> 00:09:50,408
- Okay?
- Oh.
273
00:09:50,410 --> 00:09:51,641
You know... you know
the commercial where...
274
00:09:51,643 --> 00:09:53,277
where the dirty dish gets dunked
275
00:09:53,279 --> 00:09:54,511
into the warm, soapy water,
276
00:09:54,513 --> 00:09:56,280
and when it comes out,
all the food comes off?
277
00:09:56,282 --> 00:09:58,116
Well, same situation back there.
278
00:09:58,118 --> 00:09:59,785
It's spotless.
279
00:09:59,787 --> 00:10:01,855
I... I'm a little cocky about it.
280
00:10:01,857 --> 00:10:03,976
Durbs, you got hacked, okay?
281
00:10:03,978 --> 00:10:05,911
You need to change
all of your passwords.
282
00:10:05,913 --> 00:10:07,947
I'm locked out, okay? Look.
283
00:10:07,949 --> 00:10:10,115
If one of you is pranking
me, I'm totally cool with it.
284
00:10:10,117 --> 00:10:12,505
I can take a dirty butt
joke as well as the next guy.
285
00:10:12,507 --> 00:10:15,176
Maybe even better
because mine is so clean.
286
00:10:16,324 --> 00:10:18,457
[ALL CHANTING] Show us, show us,
287
00:10:18,459 --> 00:10:20,326
show us, show us!
288
00:10:20,328 --> 00:10:21,627
[LAUGHING]
289
00:10:21,629 --> 00:10:22,696
I don't know.
290
00:10:22,698 --> 00:10:24,494
I... I still feel like
he can kill the janitor
291
00:10:24,496 --> 00:10:25,497
just for the hell of it.
292
00:10:25,499 --> 00:10:28,100
No, if this is gonna be
a bona fide Schwonk,
293
00:10:28,102 --> 00:10:30,469
the murderer can't just
be a bad guy, boss.
294
00:10:30,471 --> 00:10:32,571
He has to be possessed by something.
295
00:10:32,573 --> 00:10:35,140
Maybe he's possessed
by a dead altar boy.
296
00:10:35,142 --> 00:10:37,676
I was for a while.
That's how I know Latin.
297
00:10:37,678 --> 00:10:40,012
Spiritus cadem m...
298
00:10:40,014 --> 00:10:42,081
Don't let her finish!
299
00:10:42,083 --> 00:10:43,515
Okay, guys,
300
00:10:43,517 --> 00:10:47,019
Robin Schwonk never vilifies
animals or children, okay?
301
00:10:47,021 --> 00:10:49,555
He's not just a genius.
He is a good man.
302
00:10:49,557 --> 00:10:51,223
Now think.
303
00:10:51,225 --> 00:10:53,993
What is the killer possessed by?
304
00:10:53,995 --> 00:10:55,995
It should be something in nature.
305
00:10:55,997 --> 00:10:58,130
Pinecone.
306
00:10:58,132 --> 00:11:00,332
What's that, Yuyao? Pinecone?
307
00:11:00,334 --> 00:11:03,035
Did you just say pinecone, Yuyao?
308
00:11:03,037 --> 00:11:04,136
Acorn.
309
00:11:04,138 --> 00:11:05,238
- Yuyao.
- Oh, my God.
310
00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:06,338
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
311
00:11:06,340 --> 00:11:09,275
- That's terrible.
- Aww, Yuyao.
312
00:11:09,277 --> 00:11:10,835
Still better than what
Marcus said though.
313
00:11:10,837 --> 00:11:13,045
- I didn't say anything yet.
- I got it, okay.
314
00:11:13,047 --> 00:11:14,747
What if the disgraced teacher
315
00:11:14,749 --> 00:11:16,415
is swimming during a full moon,
316
00:11:16,417 --> 00:11:19,518
and gets possessed by a demon lake?
317
00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:22,346
And then he gives the
corpses of his murder victims
318
00:11:22,348 --> 00:11:23,656
to the lake as a gift.
319
00:11:23,658 --> 00:11:25,357
Oh. That's good.
320
00:11:25,359 --> 00:11:27,626
Y'all are creepy as hell.
321
00:11:27,628 --> 00:11:30,529
This is why I don't join your
Naturalists camping club.
322
00:11:30,531 --> 00:11:33,332
I'd be getting a nice char on my s'more.
323
00:11:33,334 --> 00:11:34,400
And bam!
324
00:11:34,402 --> 00:11:35,768
I get a hatchet to the neck.
325
00:11:35,770 --> 00:11:37,572
[COUGHS]
326
00:11:40,774 --> 00:11:42,141
- That's good.
- Write that down.
327
00:11:42,143 --> 00:11:43,144
Yeah.
328
00:11:43,146 --> 00:11:45,311
Can we please stop
summoning evil toward us?
329
00:11:45,313 --> 00:11:47,546
That's it. An evil tortoise.
330
00:11:47,548 --> 00:11:49,415
He's possessed by an evil tortoise.
331
00:11:49,417 --> 00:11:50,783
- [BELL RINGING]
- Okay, this is good.
332
00:11:50,785 --> 00:11:51,799
This is good stuff. Yeah.
333
00:11:51,801 --> 00:11:53,034
I mean, not the tortoise thing,
334
00:11:53,036 --> 00:11:54,560
or anything Marcus has been saying,
335
00:11:54,562 --> 00:11:56,121
but, you know, the Heather stuff.
336
00:11:56,123 --> 00:11:58,190
Yeah. Nice.
337
00:11:58,192 --> 00:12:00,426
[KEYBOARD PLAYING THROUGH HEADPHONES]
338
00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:02,728
♪ And please water my ferns ♪
339
00:12:02,730 --> 00:12:04,562
♪ When I go to Cabo ♪
340
00:12:04,564 --> 00:12:05,598
Hey. Hey.
341
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:09,435
Sorry, uh, I've been sent by the hacker.
342
00:12:09,437 --> 00:12:10,703
[KEYBOARD PLAYS NOTE]
343
00:12:10,705 --> 00:12:12,204
They get your passwords too?
344
00:12:12,206 --> 00:12:14,490
He or she got into my Minecraft,
345
00:12:14,492 --> 00:12:16,527
and broke my smoke cabin.
346
00:12:18,212 --> 00:12:20,348
Did your wolves get out?
347
00:12:21,749 --> 00:12:24,496
They said that the only way
for me to get my life back
348
00:12:24,498 --> 00:12:26,566
is if I read you this note.
349
00:12:28,656 --> 00:12:30,489
"Principal Durbin,
350
00:12:30,491 --> 00:12:32,658
If you want access to your email,
351
00:12:32,660 --> 00:12:34,360
you have to let
352
00:12:34,362 --> 00:12:37,363
everyone in Ohio Naturalists
353
00:12:37,365 --> 00:12:39,698
go on the overnight field trip,
354
00:12:39,700 --> 00:12:43,569
whether or not they
have a permission slip".
355
00:12:43,571 --> 00:12:45,237
Damn it!
356
00:12:45,239 --> 00:12:47,406
This psycho is asking for my integrity.
357
00:12:47,408 --> 00:12:50,309
Yeah, it's such a... such a bummer, huh?
358
00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:52,444
You don't know what
they took from me, Vic.
359
00:12:52,446 --> 00:12:55,781
20 years of precious emails
from my ex-wife, Brenda.
360
00:12:55,783 --> 00:12:59,385
Including the one where she
accepted my marriage proposal.
361
00:12:59,387 --> 00:13:01,520
There's gotta be something I can do.
362
00:13:01,522 --> 00:13:03,389
There's only one other option,
363
00:13:03,391 --> 00:13:06,292
but it... it's too horrible to even say.
364
00:13:06,294 --> 00:13:07,526
[TENSE MUSIC]
365
00:13:07,528 --> 00:13:09,662
During the announcements tomorrow,
366
00:13:09,664 --> 00:13:12,531
"You have to wash your dirty butt
367
00:13:12,533 --> 00:13:16,268
with the chemistry class's
eye-washing station".
368
00:13:16,270 --> 00:13:18,671
The whole field trip
permission slip thing
369
00:13:18,673 --> 00:13:20,306
doesn't sound that bad.
370
00:13:20,308 --> 00:13:22,174
Like, comparatively.
371
00:13:22,176 --> 00:13:24,243
Go now.
372
00:13:24,245 --> 00:13:25,678
Leave me.
373
00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:29,680
♪♪
374
00:13:30,963 --> 00:13:33,098
[SIGHS] Morning, Heather.
375
00:13:33,100 --> 00:13:35,487
I was up all night,
376
00:13:35,489 --> 00:13:37,896
but I sent your changes
in at 6 a.m. and it's good.
377
00:13:37,898 --> 00:13:38,999
It's really good.
378
00:13:39,001 --> 00:13:40,392
I think Schwonk is gonna love it.
379
00:13:40,394 --> 00:13:42,294
And then it's on to my book, so.
380
00:13:42,296 --> 00:13:44,396
- [PHONE RINGING]
- Oh.
381
00:13:44,398 --> 00:13:46,899
All right. It's your boy.
382
00:13:46,901 --> 00:13:50,436
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC]
- Here we go.
383
00:13:50,438 --> 00:13:52,771
Mr. Schwonk, what'd you think?
384
00:13:52,773 --> 00:13:55,307
Hey, Jack! I gotta tell you.
385
00:13:55,309 --> 00:13:57,243
I am very impressed.
386
00:13:57,245 --> 00:13:58,444
Very impressed.
387
00:13:58,446 --> 00:13:59,677
In fact, I think you've invented
388
00:13:59,679 --> 00:14:01,513
a whole new genre of literature.
389
00:14:01,515 --> 00:14:04,250
And I would call it "shit lit!"
390
00:14:04,252 --> 00:14:06,785
He gets possessed by a demon lake?
391
00:14:06,787 --> 00:14:09,305
What the hell is a demon lake?
392
00:14:09,307 --> 00:14:11,557
Did an ignorant child write this?
393
00:14:11,559 --> 00:14:15,327
A lake isn't scary, 'cause
you can just get away from it.
394
00:14:15,329 --> 00:14:18,197
A river. Now, a river is scary.
395
00:14:18,199 --> 00:14:20,530
Because it moves. It follows you.
396
00:14:20,532 --> 00:14:21,533
Oh!
397
00:14:21,535 --> 00:14:22,935
And then the murderer gets possessed
398
00:14:22,937 --> 00:14:24,365
while he's swimming?
399
00:14:24,367 --> 00:14:27,406
I already wrote that in my
"Underwater Demon" trilogy.
400
00:14:27,408 --> 00:14:29,918
Why would I plagiarize myself, you ass?
401
00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:33,779
I'd be ruined! This is donkey crap!
402
00:14:33,781 --> 00:14:35,748
Okay. Bye-bye now.
403
00:14:35,750 --> 00:14:38,651
I forgot about the
"Underwater Demon" trilogy.
404
00:14:38,653 --> 00:14:40,852
I don't know why I thought
my ideas were good enough.
405
00:14:40,854 --> 00:14:42,922
No, your ideas are good. Okay?
406
00:14:42,924 --> 00:14:44,790
In fact, they're too good for him.
407
00:14:44,792 --> 00:14:46,691
So we're keeping the book, all right?
408
00:14:46,693 --> 00:14:47,726
Schwonk can't have it.
409
00:14:47,728 --> 00:14:50,261
Excuse me, Jackie. I'm still here.
410
00:14:50,263 --> 00:14:52,498
Couldn't hang up 'cause I'm
eating a hard shell taco.
411
00:14:52,500 --> 00:14:54,366
That's a two-handed operation.
412
00:14:54,368 --> 00:14:57,236
[LAUGHS] Jackie, baby.
413
00:14:57,238 --> 00:14:58,504
Schwonk can't have it?
414
00:14:58,506 --> 00:15:01,907
Schwonk gets whatever Schwonk wants.
415
00:15:01,909 --> 00:15:03,909
Nobody knows your name.
416
00:15:03,911 --> 00:15:05,544
And they never will!
417
00:15:05,546 --> 00:15:07,246
Oopsie. Honey?
418
00:15:07,248 --> 00:15:08,414
I'm gonna need a napkin.
419
00:15:08,416 --> 00:15:10,548
No, Wendy, the meat's delicious.
420
00:15:10,550 --> 00:15:11,684
It's just wet.
421
00:15:11,686 --> 00:15:14,620
Jack, make it right,
and fix the bad parts!
422
00:15:14,622 --> 00:15:17,523
Get this done or your little
book will never get published!
423
00:15:17,525 --> 00:15:20,259
Oh, honey, I'm gonna
need another napkin.
424
00:15:20,261 --> 00:15:21,566
All right. Thanks, Jack.
425
00:15:21,568 --> 00:15:23,402
Appreciate it. Bye-bye now.
426
00:15:23,404 --> 00:15:24,672
Bye-bye.
427
00:15:26,934 --> 00:15:28,734
I'm sorry, boss.
428
00:15:28,736 --> 00:15:30,436
I let you down.
429
00:15:30,438 --> 00:15:32,440
[TENSE MUSIC]
430
00:15:37,244 --> 00:15:39,278
Make it right and fix the bad parts!
431
00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:40,312
[DISTORTED] Jackie.
432
00:15:40,314 --> 00:15:41,815
Okay, bye-bye now.
433
00:15:41,817 --> 00:15:42,915
[THUNDER CRACKS]
434
00:15:42,917 --> 00:15:44,251
Keith!
435
00:15:44,253 --> 00:15:46,418
- Your husband, Keith.
- 100% Keith.
436
00:15:46,420 --> 00:15:48,420
It's always the husband, Michelle.
437
00:15:48,422 --> 00:15:51,257
♪♪
438
00:15:51,259 --> 00:15:53,791
[ALL CHANTING] Show
us, show us, show us!
439
00:15:53,793 --> 00:15:55,361
I have a dirty butt!
440
00:15:55,363 --> 00:15:57,632
[LAUGHING]
441
00:15:59,372 --> 00:16:01,200
I'm here to pick up psoriasis cream
442
00:16:01,202 --> 00:16:02,937
for Millie Schwonk.
443
00:16:05,673 --> 00:16:08,040
Did an ignorant child write this?
444
00:16:08,042 --> 00:16:10,712
This is donkey crap!
445
00:16:22,423 --> 00:16:24,792
- Love you.
- Love you too.
446
00:16:28,529 --> 00:16:31,397
Why would I plagiarize myself, you ass?
447
00:16:31,399 --> 00:16:33,832
I'd be ruined!
448
00:16:33,834 --> 00:16:36,802
- And then it's on to my book.
- _
449
00:16:36,804 --> 00:16:38,637
[THUNDER CRACKS]
450
00:16:38,639 --> 00:16:40,439
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
451
00:16:40,441 --> 00:16:42,875
[WHOOSH]
452
00:16:42,877 --> 00:16:45,611
Is someone there?
453
00:16:45,613 --> 00:16:46,946
[DRAMATIC STING]
454
00:16:46,948 --> 00:16:48,480
Plagiarism, boss.
455
00:16:48,482 --> 00:16:50,349
Jesus, Heather.
456
00:16:50,351 --> 00:16:51,717
You need to use the doorbell.
457
00:16:51,719 --> 00:16:54,053
He said no one would
ever know your name.
458
00:16:54,055 --> 00:16:55,487
Let's prove him wrong.
459
00:16:55,489 --> 00:16:58,390
Let's have Schwonk plagiarize Griffin.
460
00:16:58,392 --> 00:17:00,392
Yes. That is brilliant.
461
00:17:00,394 --> 00:17:02,494
It's a plagiarism time bomb.
462
00:17:02,496 --> 00:17:04,697
When it explodes,
Schwonk will be ruined,
463
00:17:04,699 --> 00:17:06,799
and the world will know your name.
464
00:17:06,801 --> 00:17:09,401
[THUNDER CRACKS]
465
00:17:09,403 --> 00:17:11,539
- [BELL RINGS]
- _
466
00:17:15,009 --> 00:17:16,475
Oh!
467
00:17:16,477 --> 00:17:19,378
We out-Schwonk-ed Schwonk last night.
468
00:17:19,380 --> 00:17:22,681
We planted passages from
my book into his manuscript.
469
00:17:22,683 --> 00:17:24,850
So as soon as he goes to
print, we'll expose him.
470
00:17:24,852 --> 00:17:27,519
Mr. Griffin's name will be everywhere.
471
00:17:27,521 --> 00:17:29,488
His book will fly off the shelves.
472
00:17:29,490 --> 00:17:30,491
[CHUCKLES]
473
00:17:30,493 --> 00:17:32,691
Well there's not really a
market for philosophy books.
474
00:17:32,693 --> 00:17:35,361
If anything, Malcolm
Gladwell's sociology books
475
00:17:35,363 --> 00:17:36,562
kind of scratch that itch,
476
00:17:36,564 --> 00:17:38,564
but maybe I'm just
477
00:17:38,566 --> 00:17:40,466
an outlier.
478
00:17:40,468 --> 00:17:42,835
Anyone... can anyone please
479
00:17:42,837 --> 00:17:45,137
slam Marcus's fingers
into the window sill?
480
00:17:45,139 --> 00:17:46,505
Maybe I could.
481
00:17:46,507 --> 00:17:49,475
Looks like you guys have reached your
482
00:17:49,477 --> 00:17:50,543
tipping point.
483
00:17:50,545 --> 00:17:53,078
- Oh.
- [SIGHS]
484
00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:54,480
- [PHONE RINGING]
- Oh.
485
00:17:54,482 --> 00:17:55,548
Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait.
486
00:17:55,550 --> 00:17:56,649
Wait.
487
00:17:56,651 --> 00:17:58,117
Ugh, it's Schwonk.
488
00:17:58,119 --> 00:17:59,827
- Um...
- Oh, put it on speaker.
489
00:17:59,829 --> 00:18:01,654
Yeah, okay.
490
00:18:01,656 --> 00:18:04,490
Ugh. All right.
491
00:18:04,492 --> 00:18:06,425
Hey, Jack. Its Schwonk.
492
00:18:06,427 --> 00:18:07,626
Great news.
493
00:18:07,628 --> 00:18:09,461
You passed the test. You won.
494
00:18:09,463 --> 00:18:11,897
- Won what?
- Everything.
495
00:18:11,899 --> 00:18:13,632
Well, that's why I was
so hard on you, son.
496
00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:15,399
I had to make sure you
were up to the task.
497
00:18:15,401 --> 00:18:16,635
Don't you get it?
498
00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:18,070
You're Schwonk now.
499
00:18:18,072 --> 00:18:19,738
Oh, uh...
500
00:18:19,740 --> 00:18:21,640
Wow, this took a weird turn. Um...
501
00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:23,275
You're gonna write a lot of novels,
502
00:18:23,277 --> 00:18:25,477
and I can finally retire.
503
00:18:25,479 --> 00:18:26,712
Sorry, hang on a second, Jack.
504
00:18:26,714 --> 00:18:27,748
Excuse me, pal.
505
00:18:27,750 --> 00:18:29,350
Get your hand out of my freaking pocket.
506
00:18:29,352 --> 00:18:30,849
Uh, Schwonk, you okay?
507
00:18:30,851 --> 00:18:33,485
Hey, Jack, Christ, I think
I'm getting robbed here.
508
00:18:33,487 --> 00:18:34,488
[STRUGGLING]
509
00:18:34,490 --> 00:18:36,188
Don't fight it. Just...
just let them have...
510
00:18:36,190 --> 00:18:37,790
All right, all right.
Take whatever you want.
511
00:18:37,792 --> 00:18:39,458
That... no, not the psoriasis cream!
512
00:18:39,460 --> 00:18:40,660
Jack, I gotta go.
513
00:18:40,662 --> 00:18:42,369
Okay, buddy. Remember...
you're Schwonk now.
514
00:18:42,371 --> 00:18:43,961
Okay, all right. Talk soon, bye-bye.
515
00:18:43,963 --> 00:18:45,864
- No, no. It's for my dog!
- [CALL DISCONNECTS]
516
00:18:45,866 --> 00:18:46,899
Of course.
517
00:18:46,901 --> 00:18:49,201
He was pulling a Willy Wonka.
518
00:18:49,203 --> 00:18:50,704
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
519
00:18:50,706 --> 00:18:51,770
Huh.
520
00:18:51,772 --> 00:18:53,672
Students and faculty.
521
00:18:53,674 --> 00:18:55,207
You are about to witness something
522
00:18:55,209 --> 00:18:57,009
you will not be able to unsee.
523
00:18:57,011 --> 00:19:00,179
Oh, no!
524
00:19:00,181 --> 00:19:01,947
What I'm about to do,
525
00:19:01,949 --> 00:19:04,750
I do to regain access
to the precious memories
526
00:19:04,752 --> 00:19:06,518
in my hacked email account.
527
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:09,555
Memories which include,
but are not limited to,
528
00:19:09,557 --> 00:19:11,724
a picture of me and my ex-wife
529
00:19:11,726 --> 00:19:13,826
backstage with Adam Levine.
530
00:19:13,828 --> 00:19:16,595
Adam was as gracious as
you would expect him to be.
531
00:19:16,597 --> 00:19:18,964
Especially given his legacy of musc...
532
00:19:18,966 --> 00:19:20,165
Ralph.
533
00:19:20,167 --> 00:19:22,568
The water is at temperature.
534
00:19:22,570 --> 00:19:24,503
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
535
00:19:24,505 --> 00:19:27,239
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
536
00:19:27,241 --> 00:19:29,475
[EXHALES]
537
00:19:29,477 --> 00:19:31,243
Wait, stop, stop! It was me.
538
00:19:31,245 --> 00:19:32,778
I'm the blackmailer.
539
00:19:32,780 --> 00:19:34,797
I didn't think you would
actually go through with it.
540
00:19:34,799 --> 00:19:36,115
Oh, thank God!
541
00:19:36,117 --> 00:19:39,051
Show's over. Grab the day by the horns!
542
00:19:39,053 --> 00:19:40,986
Bye.
543
00:19:40,988 --> 00:19:42,588
It was you?
544
00:19:42,590 --> 00:19:44,590
But how did you do it?
545
00:19:44,592 --> 00:19:46,433
Well, I asked Ms. DeMarcus
546
00:19:46,435 --> 00:19:47,976
for my homeroom attendance folder,
547
00:19:47,978 --> 00:19:49,728
and she gave me this.
548
00:19:49,730 --> 00:19:51,764
It has, like, all of
your passwords in it.
549
00:19:51,766 --> 00:19:53,799
[GASPS] God.
550
00:19:53,801 --> 00:19:54,934
It's all my fault.
551
00:19:54,936 --> 00:19:56,168
I'm so sorry, it's just...
552
00:19:56,170 --> 00:19:58,938
my mom won't let me go on the
Ohio Naturalists field trip.
553
00:19:58,940 --> 00:20:00,946
And Mr. Pugh lets boys
and girls sleep together
554
00:20:00,948 --> 00:20:01,982
in the same lodge.
555
00:20:01,984 --> 00:20:03,905
And you can zip your
sleeping bag up with a girl.
556
00:20:03,907 --> 00:20:04,974
And if I don't go,
557
00:20:04,976 --> 00:20:07,279
Eduardo might zip his
sleeping bag up with Grace's!
558
00:20:07,281 --> 00:20:08,881
Oh, my God.
559
00:20:08,883 --> 00:20:11,449
I didn't know Mr. Pugh
allowed teenage co-bagging.
560
00:20:11,451 --> 00:20:13,118
That trip is cancelled!
561
00:20:13,120 --> 00:20:16,055
[LAUGHS] What an elegant solution.
562
00:20:16,057 --> 00:20:17,623
[LAUGHS]
563
00:20:17,625 --> 00:20:20,526
Anyway, we cool?
564
00:20:20,528 --> 00:20:22,228
No, we're not cool!
565
00:20:22,230 --> 00:20:25,664
You have in-school
suspension. Two weeks.
566
00:20:25,666 --> 00:20:26,899
- [BELL RINGS]
- _
567
00:20:26,901 --> 00:20:28,601
Hello. Hey, hey, hey.
568
00:20:28,603 --> 00:20:29,768
Look at this, kiddos.
569
00:20:29,770 --> 00:20:31,637
Look... look what Robin Schwonk sent.
570
00:20:31,639 --> 00:20:33,137
His... his book came out.
571
00:20:33,139 --> 00:20:35,500
- So, you know, he sent us a gift package.
- _
572
00:20:35,502 --> 00:20:39,111
He also texted me a,
uh, picture of his boat.
573
00:20:39,113 --> 00:20:42,248
It said, "Feel free to use
the yacht anytime, Jackie.
574
00:20:42,250 --> 00:20:43,916
Okay, gotta go. Bye!"
575
00:20:43,918 --> 00:20:45,784
Maybe no one will notice the plagiarism.
576
00:20:45,786 --> 00:20:49,154
[EXHALES]
577
00:20:49,156 --> 00:20:51,622
You don't think anyone will
notice how the murderer talks?
578
00:20:51,624 --> 00:20:52,892
Hm?
579
00:20:52,894 --> 00:20:54,560
I wrapped my hands around his neck.
580
00:20:54,562 --> 00:20:56,595
He pleaded, "Help me, God".
581
00:20:56,597 --> 00:20:58,597
I sneered, "God is a construct
582
00:20:58,599 --> 00:20:59,798
for those who must pretend
583
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:01,800
that the minutiae of
their daily patheticism
584
00:21:01,802 --> 00:21:04,703
ends in a great reward... Heaven".
585
00:21:04,705 --> 00:21:06,705
Marcus's frail body went limp.
586
00:21:06,707 --> 00:21:08,040
- [PHONE RINGING]
- Up, it's Schwonk.
587
00:21:08,042 --> 00:21:09,341
- Uh, okay.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC]
588
00:21:09,343 --> 00:21:11,176
- Hey.
- So.
589
00:21:11,178 --> 00:21:13,145
You tried to mount me.
590
00:21:13,147 --> 00:21:14,747
But I caught ya.
591
00:21:14,749 --> 00:21:15,816
Yeah.
592
00:21:15,818 --> 00:21:17,349
I bought the rights to your book.
593
00:21:17,351 --> 00:21:19,184
[LAUGHS]
594
00:21:19,186 --> 00:21:22,353
Yeah, you can't fool me 'cause
I'm a god damn fox, Jackie.
595
00:21:22,355 --> 00:21:23,656
What? Oh.
596
00:21:23,658 --> 00:21:25,958
Hi. Table for two, please.
597
00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:28,093
No, I didn't make a reservation.
598
00:21:28,095 --> 00:21:29,862
What about that empty table right there?
599
00:21:29,864 --> 00:21:31,931
Okay, fine.
600
00:21:31,933 --> 00:21:33,599
We'll sit at the bar.
601
00:21:33,601 --> 00:21:35,367
Oh, the bar is booked.
602
00:21:35,369 --> 00:21:38,837
Wendy, let's make a
little mess in this lobby.
603
00:21:38,839 --> 00:21:40,839
Dump out all the dirt from the plant.
604
00:21:40,841 --> 00:21:42,299
Oh, it's bolted down.
605
00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:43,976
Well just scoop it out with your hands.
606
00:21:43,978 --> 00:21:45,911
Oh, there is room at the bar?
607
00:21:45,913 --> 00:21:47,554
Gee, how'd that happen?
608
00:21:47,556 --> 00:21:49,615
Honey, just scoop the dirt
back in with your hands.
609
00:21:49,617 --> 00:21:50,883
Yeah, yeah. We're coming.
610
00:21:50,885 --> 00:21:52,250
- We're coming!
- Oh, my God.
611
00:21:52,252 --> 00:21:53,319
You know what, Jack?
612
00:21:53,321 --> 00:21:56,851
You could've been
Schwonk, and you blew it!
613
00:21:56,853 --> 00:21:57,923
- Wait...
- Okay?
614
00:21:57,925 --> 00:21:59,024
Talk soon. Bye-bye.
615
00:21:59,026 --> 00:22:01,093
[CALL DISCONNECTS]
616
00:22:01,095 --> 00:22:03,729
Well, so much for my book. [SIGHS]
617
00:22:03,731 --> 00:22:06,133
Or hanging out on a yacht.
618
00:22:10,304 --> 00:22:13,672
You stood by me, Captain.
619
00:22:13,674 --> 00:22:16,308
You said my ideas were good.
620
00:22:16,310 --> 00:22:19,678
You're my number one hero.
621
00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:21,747
I know that's not a yacht,
622
00:22:21,749 --> 00:22:23,916
but I hope it counts for something.
623
00:22:23,918 --> 00:22:25,417
[DRAMATIC MUSIC SWELLS, ENDS]
624
00:22:25,419 --> 00:22:26,653
[EXHALES]
625
00:22:26,655 --> 00:22:27,689
See, Sarika?
626
00:22:27,691 --> 00:22:30,289
This is why Heather's my favorite.
627
00:22:30,291 --> 00:22:32,992
Unless you have another aunt
in the publishing business?
628
00:22:32,994 --> 00:22:34,403
- No.
- Just the one?
629
00:22:34,405 --> 00:22:36,063
Yeah.
630
00:22:45,321 --> 00:22:49,321
- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -
44602
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