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[theme music]
2
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show."
3
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Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey
Amsterdam, Larry Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
4
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Warden, as spokesman for this group,
we think this is highly unfair.
5
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Boxer, I think the trouble your gang caused after
the last show was unfair to me and the other men.
6
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You don't deserve to see tonight's show.
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Hey, Warden, we ain't going to cause any more trouble.
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Cross my heart.
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I cannot take any chances.
10
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These people from "The Alan Brady Show"
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have been kind enough to come all
the way up here to entertain us.
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And I want to be sure there's going to be no trouble.
13
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[buzzing]
14
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Now, you quiet down.
15
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Yes?
16
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MAN (ON INTERCOM): Delp is here, sir.
17
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Oh, hold it a minute.
18
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I'll finish with you men after the show.
19
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There ain't going to be no show.
20
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What was that?
21
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Oh, nothing.
22
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Just an idle threat.
23
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Guard, take them outside for a moment.
24
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Right.
25
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Oh, Warden, it's criminal.
26
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That's what it is. It's not fair.
27
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This just criminal.
28
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[shouting]
29
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Send Lyle in.
30
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Warden, Warden, thank goodness you're all right.
31
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I got here in time.
32
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WARDEN: What is it, Lyle?
33
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The men, Warden.
34
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They're rioting in cell block three.
35
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Burt Lancaster is holding Hume Cronyn hostage.
36
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They're going to kill him if you don't meet their demands.
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All right.
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What are their demands?
39
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They want Pat O'Brien back as warden.
40
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Pretty good, huh?
41
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How was the acting?
42
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Did you like it, Warden?
43
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Lyle, I like it much better when you do it as Jimmy Cagney.
44
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Oh, Warden.
45
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What else can I do for you, Lyle?
46
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I got my friends outside.
47
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They're here for the show. - Wonderful.
48
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Bring them in.
49
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OK, Warden.
50
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OK, Rob.
51
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Come on in.
52
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I got him tied up.
53
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Here they are.
54
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Come on in, gang.
55
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Here they are, Warden.
56
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Gang, this is my friend, the camp counselor.
57
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Uncle Warden Jackson.
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A sweetheart of a guy.
59
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How do you do?
60
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Hello.
61
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This is Buddy Sorrell, Sally Rogers.
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How are you?
63
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How do you do?
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And these are two of my favorite
victims, Rob and Laura Petrie.
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How do you do, Warden?
66
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How do you do?
67
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So you're the ones he tried to hold
up in an elevator using a comb.
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That's right.
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Unfortunately, the comb wasn't loaded.
70
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Oh, come on, Rob.
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Don't take away my dignity as a criminal.
72
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Lyle, you know very well you're
just not the criminal type.
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I think you're right.
74
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See.
75
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Didn't I tell you?
76
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He's a sweetheart of a guy.
77
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I just want to say we certainly
appreciate your coming up here.
78
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The boys are looking forward to it.
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Now, if you ladies will follow me,
I'll show you where you can change.
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I'll see you later, dear. See you later.
81
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Hey, girls, be careful where you sit down.
82
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Be sure the chair ain't plugged in.
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Oh.
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Mr. Petrie, you and Mr. Sorrell can use my office.
85
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Anything you need?
86
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Well, all I need is a prison outfit.
87
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Oh, they're right here.
88
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Oh, thank you.
89
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Lyle, your best behavior.
90
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Remember, you're our most trusted trustee.
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Sure does believe in me.
92
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Lyle, you're looking just great.
93
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When are you getting out?
94
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Pretty soon.
95
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I bet you're counting the days by now, aren't you?
96
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Oh, not really.
97
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It's been kind of nice here.
98
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Hey, why don't you stay in longer,
you know, after your term is up?
99
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What for?
100
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Build up a credit in case they nab you again.
101
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Nah.
102
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I'm a fully rehabilitated citizen now.
103
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Yeah.
104
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That's what you said the last time.
105
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No.
106
00:03:34,673 --> 00:03:36,008
This time I got to the root of my problem.
107
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I went to the prison psychiatrist, and he helped me.
108
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Well, that's wonderful.
109
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What was it?
110
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Uh, I like to steal.
111
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Don't worry. You'll be back.
112
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No, no.
113
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I'm OK now.
114
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And I found out I like something
better than crime, show business.
115
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Hey, would-- would you get me a job when I get out?
116
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We'll do what we can for you, Lyle.
117
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Hey, why don't you become a comedy writer?
118
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No.
119
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I-- I can't write jokes.
120
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What write?
121
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Steal them.
122
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That was very cruel.
123
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[chuckles] Well, I've been doing it for years.
124
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Incidentally, Lyle, what kind of an audience are these guys?
125
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Captive.
126
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Best audience in the world.
127
00:04:15,214 --> 00:04:16,381
They're great.
128
00:04:16,465 --> 00:04:18,050
Hey, do they like short fat cello players?
129
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Hey, tonight.
130
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They'll love anything, even if you play a kazoo.
131
00:04:22,012 --> 00:04:23,514
Why is that?
132
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Well, you see, we haven't had a show here in several months.
133
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Gee.
134
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I thought you have one every week.
135
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Well, we do, you see, but the warden had to
postpone the last one because of the riot.
136
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The riot?
137
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Well, [chuckles] it wasn't exactly a riot.
138
00:04:42,074 --> 00:04:46,328
It was sort of a difference of opinion with injuries.
139
00:04:49,498 --> 00:04:52,084
Well, wh-- what was the riot about?
140
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They didn't like the last show.
141
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[chuckles] He's kidding us.
142
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He's not kidding.
143
00:05:04,846 --> 00:05:06,222
Lyle, you must be kidding.
144
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They didn't have a riot after the last show, did they?
145
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No.
146
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It was during the last show.
147
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What kind of a show was it?
148
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Well, it was like sort of an amateur night.
149
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We used local talent.
150
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It was called "An Evening with Lyle Delp."
151
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I was the emcee.
152
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Wasn't it a good show?
153
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Oh, it was a great show.
154
00:05:26,117 --> 00:05:27,452
We had a guy sing "Granada."
155
00:05:27,577 --> 00:05:29,621
And another fellow played the accordion, you know.
156
00:05:29,746 --> 00:05:31,122
And he did "Lady of Spain."
157
00:05:31,206 --> 00:05:36,211
Then we got two lifers to do a duet, and one sang
"Old Man River" and the other one went, hummmm.
158
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And they didn't like that?
159
00:05:39,839 --> 00:05:40,674
No.
160
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I can't understand it.
161
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What kind of shows do they like?
162
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Strippers.
163
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:49,140
Well, they're not going to see any of that in this show.
164
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Hey!
165
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What?
166
00:06:00,485 --> 00:06:03,697
Those are the craziest shorts I ever saw.
167
00:06:03,822 --> 00:06:05,031
They were a Mother's Day present.
168
00:06:05,156 --> 00:06:06,533
- Mother's Day? - Yeah.
169
00:06:06,658 --> 00:06:08,159
I got them for my mother, but she wouldn't wear them.
170
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Boy, that's what I call freedom.
171
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Big car, lots of money, and flashy underwear.
172
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With us it's cockamamie gray all the way.
173
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I'll tell you what, Lyle, for a getting out
present I'll buy you a pair of wild shorts.
174
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Make it polka dots.
175
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OK.
176
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Listen, you can do a favor for me.
177
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Anything. Anything.
178
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Will you get me a pair of pants?
179
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They gave me two shirts.
180
00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:33,518
The warden's a sweetheart, but he ain't show biz.
181
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Hey, I better hurry up.
182
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The show is scheduled for 8 o'clock.
183
00:06:37,772 --> 00:06:39,774
Yeah.
184
00:06:39,858 --> 00:06:42,777
And the riot for 9:00.
185
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Here's the stage and all, gang.
186
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Hey, listen.
187
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I better go out there and warm them up.
188
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OK?
189
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I've seen their faces.
190
00:06:47,907 --> 00:06:50,535
You better use a blowtorch.
191
00:06:50,660 --> 00:06:52,704
Hey, you sure they like short fat cello players?
192
00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:53,788
They'll love you.
193
00:06:53,872 --> 00:06:54,914
You have nothing to be afraid of.
194
00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:57,876
They never heard him play.
195
00:06:57,959 --> 00:07:00,211
Lyle, do you think they'll mind our
doing a lot of jokes about prison?
196
00:07:00,295 --> 00:07:01,880
No. They love them.
197
00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:02,881
He's right, Laura.
198
00:07:03,006 --> 00:07:04,174
It's basic psychology.
199
00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:06,051
We love to be kidded about ourselves.
200
00:07:06,176 --> 00:07:07,427
Isn't that what you told me, Rob?
201
00:07:07,552 --> 00:07:08,720
Yep.
202
00:07:08,803 --> 00:07:12,891
Well, how do you think they're going to feel
about our doing a dance with chains on?
203
00:07:13,016 --> 00:07:14,642
Home sick.
204
00:07:14,726 --> 00:07:15,560
Don't worry, Laura.
205
00:07:15,685 --> 00:07:16,728
They'll love you.
206
00:07:16,811 --> 00:07:17,729
Honey, did you bring the chains?
207
00:07:17,812 --> 00:07:18,897
No, didn't you?
208
00:07:19,022 --> 00:07:20,523
Oh, I must have left them downstairs.
209
00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:21,608
I'll get them.
210
00:07:21,733 --> 00:07:23,026
- Oh, well, hurry, darling. - I'll be back.
211
00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:24,652
Gee. I'd better get out there too.
212
00:07:24,736 --> 00:07:26,571
Hey, Lyle, don't be nervous.
213
00:07:26,654 --> 00:07:27,781
Are you kidding?
214
00:07:27,906 --> 00:07:28,990
This is my room.
215
00:07:31,826 --> 00:07:33,536
OK, fellas.
216
00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:36,623
[cheering]
217
00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:38,917
Hi, guys.
218
00:07:39,042 --> 00:07:41,544
Like I said, Lyle Delp, your good friend.
219
00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:42,587
I came through for you.
220
00:07:42,712 --> 00:07:44,422
We got a great show.
221
00:07:44,506 --> 00:07:45,799
[cheering]
222
00:07:45,924 --> 00:07:46,758
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
223
00:07:46,883 --> 00:07:48,802
Just shut up, Pop, huh?
224
00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:50,178
Now, listen, you guys.
225
00:07:50,261 --> 00:07:51,513
You're going to be a lot of fun, you see.
226
00:07:51,596 --> 00:07:54,766
Now, we're going to have a lot of classy
girls come out here and nice guys.
227
00:07:54,849 --> 00:07:57,060
I don't want any guys going
crazy and yelling out bad things.
228
00:07:57,143 --> 00:07:57,936
You know what I mean?
229
00:07:58,061 --> 00:07:59,104
A little class.
230
00:07:59,187 --> 00:08:02,315
Do you understand this, dumb dumb?
231
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,776
I'm talking, and you're staring at me like I'm the yo-yo.
232
00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:06,778
You're the one that's sick.
233
00:08:06,903 --> 00:08:10,240
Like last time, Harry, I don't want with the
toothpick, you know, throwing it up at the stage.
234
00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:11,908
Seeing if you can hit the girl.
235
00:08:11,991 --> 00:08:12,784
There's no humor in that.
236
00:08:12,909 --> 00:08:14,869
You understand?
237
00:08:14,953 --> 00:08:18,248
Accept your punishment without
grumbling, and don't cause any trouble.
238
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:23,169
Gee, Warden, just because we done one bad
little thing do we have to suffer forever?
239
00:08:23,294 --> 00:08:25,213
This isn't my decision alone.
240
00:08:25,296 --> 00:08:28,967
Your fellow inmates, the prison council,
ruled that this would be your punishment.
241
00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:30,260
What do they know?
242
00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:32,887
They're just a bunch of ignorant criminals.
243
00:08:32,971 --> 00:08:34,597
And what we did wasn't so bad. - No.
244
00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:36,474
After all we did-- Back
to your cells, men.
245
00:08:36,558 --> 00:08:37,267
Oh.
246
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:38,643
- Oh, come on. - Jenkins.
247
00:08:38,727 --> 00:08:39,644
JENKINS: Yo.
248
00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:40,812
I have a few rounds to make.
249
00:08:40,895 --> 00:08:42,022
Then I'm going to playhouse.
250
00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:43,231
Take these men back to the cell.
251
00:08:43,314 --> 00:08:44,232
You come with me.
252
00:08:44,315 --> 00:08:46,192
JENKINS: All right, come on.
253
00:08:46,317 --> 00:08:48,987
Well, that ain't very sporting of you, I'll tell you.
254
00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:49,904
[shouting]
255
00:08:49,988 --> 00:08:51,072
JENKINS: Let's go.
256
00:08:51,156 --> 00:08:52,073
Let's go right now.
257
00:08:52,157 --> 00:08:53,366
What's the matter with you?
258
00:08:53,491 --> 00:08:54,868
Hey, hey, hey, hey, what are you doing here?
259
00:08:54,993 --> 00:08:56,494
Oh, grab a suitcase.
260
00:08:56,578 --> 00:08:58,830
Planning a little trip for the weekend, huh?
261
00:08:58,913 --> 00:08:59,914
No. This is for the show.
262
00:08:59,998 --> 00:09:00,999
Yeah, but you won't need it.
263
00:09:01,124 --> 00:09:02,042
You're not going to the show.
264
00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:03,668
What?
265
00:09:03,752 --> 00:09:07,630
The warden said you guys are being
punished, you're not going to see the show.
266
00:09:07,714 --> 00:09:10,008
Oh, you guys-- [chuckles] look.
267
00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:11,468
I'm not one of them. I'm in the show.
268
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:12,969
This is a costume. - Sure it is.
269
00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:13,887
Come on. Let's go.
270
00:09:14,012 --> 00:09:14,971
Outside. - No, wait.
271
00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:16,139
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
272
00:09:16,222 --> 00:09:17,223
You're making a terrible mistake.
273
00:09:17,349 --> 00:09:18,516
Ask them. - Oh, yeah.
274
00:09:18,641 --> 00:09:19,809
He's in the show. - That's right.
275
00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:20,977
We're in the show.
276
00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:22,020
We're chorus girls. - That's right.
277
00:09:22,145 --> 00:09:23,188
No. No, they're not.
278
00:09:23,313 --> 00:09:25,523
I'm a chorus-- no, look, guard.
279
00:09:25,648 --> 00:09:27,317
I brought the show up here. I'm a writer.
280
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:28,735
Yeah. And I'm a camera.
281
00:09:28,860 --> 00:09:29,652
I'm a microphone.
282
00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:30,570
All right.
283
00:09:30,695 --> 00:09:31,363
That's enough, you guys.
284
00:09:31,446 --> 00:09:33,114
Everybody, out. - Listen.
285
00:09:33,198 --> 00:09:34,324
You're making a terrible mistake here.
286
00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:35,825
- Let's go. - Call the warden.
287
00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:37,410
Hey, listen. I'm the president.
288
00:09:37,535 --> 00:09:40,205
[shouting]
289
00:09:40,288 --> 00:09:42,791
Hello, Warden.
290
00:09:42,874 --> 00:09:46,461
[shouting]
291
00:09:53,885 --> 00:09:54,719
The warden knows me.
292
00:09:54,803 --> 00:09:55,637
Yeah.
293
00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:56,471
He knows us too. - Look.
294
00:09:56,554 --> 00:09:58,139
I'm telling you. Call the warden.
295
00:09:58,223 --> 00:09:59,724
He'll tell you. - Yeah.
296
00:09:59,849 --> 00:10:01,726
Now, look, you guys are in there because you're a troublemakers.
297
00:10:01,851 --> 00:10:03,144
So just relax.
298
00:10:03,228 --> 00:10:07,065
How can I make you understand
that I'm not a-- I got it. Look.
299
00:10:07,190 --> 00:10:08,108
Look at that, guard.
300
00:10:08,233 --> 00:10:09,192
Look at that number. Look.
301
00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:10,110
Check me in the files.
302
00:10:10,235 --> 00:10:11,111
You won't find me there.
303
00:10:11,236 --> 00:10:13,154
That is an unlisted number.
304
00:10:13,238 --> 00:10:16,866
Keep it quiet and maybe next time
you'll get to see the show. - Wait.
305
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:17,784
Guard, wait. Wait.
306
00:10:17,909 --> 00:10:18,743
Guard, come back.
307
00:10:18,827 --> 00:10:19,744
Wait a minute.
308
00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:33,341
Hey, what do you know about that?
309
00:10:33,425 --> 00:10:35,260
They won't let Shakespeare out of jail?
310
00:10:35,385 --> 00:10:36,970
What are you up to? You planning something?
311
00:10:37,095 --> 00:10:38,221
That's it. It's a break, isn't it?
312
00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:39,681
I'm a hostage?
313
00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:41,558
You want-- you want better conditions?
314
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:43,309
Better food, I'll bet, too. Yeah.
315
00:10:43,435 --> 00:10:44,769
Boy, I'll tell you something, you guys.
316
00:10:44,853 --> 00:10:45,645
You deserve it.
317
00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:47,397
Every-- every bit of it.
318
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,232
Hey, I'll tell you what I'll do. Let me out of here.
319
00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:50,108
I'll go to tell the warden.
320
00:10:50,233 --> 00:10:51,443
I'll tell-- I will.
321
00:10:51,526 --> 00:10:52,736
What are you going to do to me?
322
00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:54,612
We ain't going to do nothing to you.
323
00:10:54,696 --> 00:10:58,324
It's just that if you're here,
you ain't going to be in that show.
324
00:10:58,450 --> 00:11:00,744
Well, what does that accomplish?
325
00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:01,703
Justice.
326
00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:02,912
Justice?
327
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:06,166
If we don't see the show, nobody sees the show.
328
00:11:06,291 --> 00:11:07,959
Well that-- fellas, that's not justice.
329
00:11:08,043 --> 00:11:08,877
That's vicious.
330
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:11,004
Oh, I mean,
you know-- I mean it's revenge.
331
00:11:11,129 --> 00:11:12,047
Gee.
332
00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:13,214
I always get them two confused.
333
00:11:13,298 --> 00:11:14,507
Hey, look, you guys.
334
00:11:14,632 --> 00:11:16,134
It's not going to do a bit of good anyway.
335
00:11:16,217 --> 00:11:17,844
There's a lot of people up there that are going to do the show.
336
00:11:17,969 --> 00:11:20,472
They'll do it right ahead without me, so holding
me here is not going to do any good at all.
337
00:11:20,597 --> 00:11:21,973
So you might just as well let me out of here.
338
00:11:22,098 --> 00:11:23,141
Guard!
339
00:11:23,224 --> 00:11:28,855
Fellas, I'd like introduce to you one of the
great classical cello players of our time.
340
00:11:28,980 --> 00:11:32,067
[booing]
341
00:11:32,150 --> 00:11:32,984
Now, wait a minute.
342
00:11:33,109 --> 00:11:34,861
Wait a minute now.
343
00:11:34,986 --> 00:11:36,154
You see? You see?
344
00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:37,155
Wait a second.
345
00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:38,156
You see that's what I mean.
346
00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:39,074
That's what burns me up.
347
00:11:39,157 --> 00:11:40,658
You see?
348
00:11:40,784 --> 00:11:44,496
That's why you guys are sitting here with the
West Point cadet suits on for being wise guys.
349
00:11:44,579 --> 00:11:46,414
Now, let's have a little respect, huh?
350
00:11:46,498 --> 00:11:47,582
Give the man a chance.
351
00:11:47,666 --> 00:11:51,544
After he plays, we'll get him.
352
00:11:51,670 --> 00:11:55,840
Let's hear it for one of the real great guys, Buddy Sorrell.
353
00:11:55,965 --> 00:11:57,175
Let's hear it.
354
00:11:57,258 --> 00:11:58,718
[applause]
355
00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:01,346
[whistling]
356
00:12:02,180 --> 00:12:03,807
A real sweetheart of a guy.
357
00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:05,183
He does great imitations.
358
00:12:05,308 --> 00:12:07,894
He did Dillinger so good they're holding him over for 20 years.
359
00:12:08,019 --> 00:12:09,187
[laughter]
360
00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:10,647
Well, you want to hear a little music.
361
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:12,357
You're going to hear as little as little as possible.
362
00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:15,568
Peanuts, popcorn, chewing gum, candy.
363
00:12:15,694 --> 00:12:17,445
Oh, doctor, I'm so nervous.
364
00:12:17,529 --> 00:12:19,155
This is my first operation.
365
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:20,031
I know just how you feel.
366
00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:21,241
You're my first patient.
367
00:12:21,366 --> 00:12:23,451
[cello music]
368
00:12:23,535 --> 00:12:25,203
30 days has September.
369
00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:27,122
And my Uncle Irving for booking horses.
370
00:12:27,205 --> 00:12:30,375
[laughter]
371
00:12:31,543 --> 00:12:32,836
You know how they play Russian roulette in India?
372
00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:35,213
One of the cobras is hard of hearing.
373
00:12:35,296 --> 00:12:38,466
[cello music]
374
00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:40,927
I told you guys it's not going to do any good.
375
00:12:41,052 --> 00:12:42,595
There's going to be-- you're going to get in trouble.
376
00:12:42,721 --> 00:12:45,890
Hey, yeah, you know, they might put us in jail.
377
00:12:46,016 --> 00:12:49,477
[laughter]
378
00:12:49,561 --> 00:12:50,603
Hey, fellas, look.
379
00:12:50,729 --> 00:12:51,563
I'm sorry.
380
00:12:51,688 --> 00:12:52,814
I'm sorry you can't see the show.
381
00:12:52,897 --> 00:12:53,940
Believe me.
382
00:12:54,065 --> 00:12:55,108
If it was up to me, I'd let you see the show.
383
00:12:55,233 --> 00:12:56,693
I don't care what you did.
384
00:12:56,776 --> 00:13:01,990
Hey, you know, Shakespeare, you're an all right guy.
385
00:13:02,073 --> 00:13:03,867
Well, thanks a lot, Harry.
386
00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:05,618
You going to let me go?
387
00:13:05,744 --> 00:13:08,330
No.
388
00:13:08,413 --> 00:13:10,165
Hey, Mac.
389
00:13:10,248 --> 00:13:11,082
Hey, Mac!
390
00:13:11,166 --> 00:13:12,167
Yes, sir.
391
00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:13,835
What do you do in the show?
392
00:13:13,918 --> 00:13:14,919
Oh, well, nothing.
393
00:13:15,045 --> 00:13:16,588
I just-- I sing, dance, joke just a little.
394
00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:17,422
Nothing.
395
00:13:17,505 --> 00:13:19,299
Hey, I'd like to see that.
396
00:13:19,424 --> 00:13:20,800
Wouldn't you guys? - Yeah.
397
00:13:20,925 --> 00:13:21,885
I'd like to see that.
398
00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:23,595
But you aren't allowed up there, fellas.
399
00:13:23,678 --> 00:13:25,430
Who said anything about up there?
400
00:13:25,513 --> 00:13:26,931
Here. - Here?
401
00:13:27,015 --> 00:13:27,932
BOXER: Yeah.
402
00:13:28,058 --> 00:13:29,059
What do you want to do first?
403
00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:30,226
Sing or dance?
404
00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:31,186
What?
405
00:13:31,269 --> 00:13:32,604
Yeah.
406
00:13:32,687 --> 00:13:35,190
Do a little something, and then I'll call
the guard and tell him to let you go.
407
00:13:35,273 --> 00:13:36,441
Wait a minute.
408
00:13:36,566 --> 00:13:37,984
You mean, you want me to entertain here?
409
00:13:38,109 --> 00:13:39,444
Why, sure.
410
00:13:39,527 --> 00:13:43,782
You guys on TV is always saying thanks
for letting us into your living room.
411
00:13:43,865 --> 00:13:46,951
Well, we're letting you into our living room.
412
00:13:49,371 --> 00:13:50,955
And we ain't going to let you out.
413
00:13:56,494 --> 00:13:59,038
And I'm supposed to know something about this business.
414
00:13:59,163 --> 00:14:00,247
One day, a girl comes up to me.
415
00:14:00,331 --> 00:14:01,165
She says, I got talent.
416
00:14:01,290 --> 00:14:02,208
Make me a star.
417
00:14:02,333 --> 00:14:03,167
I said, forget it.
418
00:14:03,250 --> 00:14:04,168
You got nothing.
419
00:14:04,293 --> 00:14:05,127
You know who that girl is today?
420
00:14:05,211 --> 00:14:07,505
John Wayne.
421
00:14:07,588 --> 00:14:09,465
[cello music]
422
00:14:10,549 --> 00:14:14,178
And now, a song that has been sweeping the country,
and the country is sweeping it back to the city.
423
00:14:14,261 --> 00:14:15,304
A song that you all love.
424
00:14:15,388 --> 00:14:19,975
"It's Better to Be on the Rock Pile
Than To Have the Rock Pile on You."
425
00:14:20,059 --> 00:14:24,146
[cello music]
426
00:14:25,856 --> 00:14:27,024
Where's Rob?
427
00:14:27,108 --> 00:14:28,025
I don't know, Laura.
428
00:14:28,150 --> 00:14:29,693
You've asked a hundred times.
429
00:14:29,819 --> 00:14:30,903
Nothing could happen to him.
430
00:14:31,028 --> 00:14:31,946
Nothing?
431
00:14:32,029 --> 00:14:34,281
The place is full of criminals.
432
00:14:34,365 --> 00:14:36,200
You sure know how to hurt a guy, Laura.
433
00:14:36,283 --> 00:14:39,704
Oh, Lyle, I'm sorry, but you know what I mean.
434
00:14:39,787 --> 00:14:40,871
Don't worry.
435
00:14:40,955 --> 00:14:42,707
He's only been gone a few minutes.
436
00:14:42,790 --> 00:14:44,291
Lyle, we came in with four.
437
00:14:44,375 --> 00:14:47,044
We'd like to leave with four.
438
00:14:47,128 --> 00:14:50,589
Would you like to leave with five?
439
00:14:50,715 --> 00:14:51,799
Where could he be?
440
00:14:51,882 --> 00:14:55,052
He's probably downstairs chatting
with the warden about prison reforms.
441
00:14:55,177 --> 00:14:56,721
Guard! [rattling]
442
00:14:56,846 --> 00:14:57,722
Guard!
443
00:14:57,805 --> 00:14:58,597
Guard!
444
00:14:58,723 --> 00:15:00,933
Ow.
445
00:15:01,058 --> 00:15:01,892
All right.
446
00:15:01,976 --> 00:15:02,893
Knock it off there.
447
00:15:03,018 --> 00:15:04,061
Now, I know why you're in there.
448
00:15:04,186 --> 00:15:05,855
Boy, you're a real troublemaker.
449
00:15:05,938 --> 00:15:07,273
He'll never learn.
450
00:15:07,398 --> 00:15:09,275
Just keep it down in there, you guys.
451
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:10,651
And don't bother me anymore.
452
00:15:10,735 --> 00:15:11,569
Guard, wait.
453
00:15:11,694 --> 00:15:12,611
Wait!
454
00:15:12,737 --> 00:15:14,572
Guard, what kind of a prison is this?
455
00:15:14,697 --> 00:15:17,658
Maximum security.
456
00:15:17,742 --> 00:15:22,872
A perfectly respectable citizen gets
locked in a jail cell, and nobody cares.
457
00:15:22,955 --> 00:15:24,457
Oh, we care, Bob.
458
00:15:24,582 --> 00:15:25,750
Rob.
459
00:15:25,833 --> 00:15:27,835
Rob, it's just that we're starved for entertainment.
460
00:15:27,918 --> 00:15:28,753
Go ahead.
461
00:15:28,878 --> 00:15:31,464
Do something, huh?
462
00:15:31,589 --> 00:15:32,590
All right.
463
00:15:32,715 --> 00:15:36,010
The deal is that if I do something for you, you
guys will tell the guard the truth, right?
464
00:15:36,093 --> 00:15:37,261
Right.
465
00:15:37,344 --> 00:15:38,596
ROB: Promise?
466
00:15:38,721 --> 00:15:40,222
Cross my heart.
467
00:15:40,306 --> 00:15:41,724
This is silly.
468
00:15:41,807 --> 00:15:45,186
Hey, Harry, what is that song that you like so well?
469
00:15:45,269 --> 00:15:47,271
You know, with them all them doodahs.
470
00:15:47,396 --> 00:15:50,107
HARRY: Oh, you mean the one we saw in the
movie last week with Will Rogers. - Yeah.
471
00:15:50,232 --> 00:15:51,525
Yeah.
472
00:15:51,609 --> 00:15:53,069
Do you know that song with all the doodahs in it?
473
00:15:53,152 --> 00:15:54,195
With the doodahs? HARRY: Yeah.
474
00:15:54,278 --> 00:15:55,529
Yeah Yeah. - "Camptown Races"?
475
00:15:55,613 --> 00:15:57,239
Hey, that's it. That's one, yeah.
476
00:15:57,323 --> 00:15:58,199
Yeah. Come on.
477
00:15:58,282 --> 00:15:59,325
Sing it. - Come on.
478
00:15:59,450 --> 00:16:00,242
Sing. - I don't know.
479
00:16:00,326 --> 00:16:01,369
It's a pretty old song.
480
00:16:01,452 --> 00:16:02,161
I-- I don't know. HARRY: Go on.
481
00:16:02,286 --> 00:16:03,120
Try it.
482
00:16:03,204 --> 00:16:04,455
Well, let's see.
483
00:16:04,580 --> 00:16:07,124
[mumbles]
484
00:16:07,208 --> 00:16:08,209
Yeah. Yeah.
485
00:16:08,292 --> 00:16:09,543
[mumbles] OK.
486
00:16:09,627 --> 00:16:10,294
Yeah.
487
00:16:10,378 --> 00:16:11,462
Uh, uh, let's see.
488
00:16:11,545 --> 00:16:12,505
Um.
489
00:16:12,630 --> 00:16:14,840
(SINGING) Camptown ladies, sing this song.
490
00:16:14,965 --> 00:16:15,758
ALL: Doodah.
491
00:16:15,841 --> 00:16:16,759
Doodah.
492
00:16:16,842 --> 00:16:19,095
A camptown racetrack five miles long.
493
00:16:19,178 --> 00:16:20,388
ALL: Oh, the doodah day.
494
00:16:20,471 --> 00:16:21,639
Hey, now, dance. Now, dance.
495
00:16:21,722 --> 00:16:22,723
- Do a little dance. - Sing and dance.
496
00:16:22,807 --> 00:16:23,432
Going to run all night.
497
00:16:23,516 --> 00:16:24,683
Going to run all day.
498
00:16:24,809 --> 00:16:26,936
ALL: I bet my money on a bob-tailed nag.
499
00:16:27,019 --> 00:16:28,437
Oh, the doodah day.
500
00:16:28,521 --> 00:16:29,939
Say, he's pretty good, huh?
501
00:16:30,022 --> 00:16:31,107
[humming]
502
00:16:31,190 --> 00:16:31,982
ALL: (SINGING) Doodah.
503
00:16:32,108 --> 00:16:33,150
Doodah.
504
00:16:33,234 --> 00:16:36,070
[humming] All the doodah day.
505
00:16:36,153 --> 00:16:36,987
Yeah.
506
00:16:37,071 --> 00:16:38,114
Yeah. Bravo.
507
00:16:38,197 --> 00:16:39,031
Bravo.
508
00:16:39,156 --> 00:16:39,949
Hey, Bob.
509
00:16:40,032 --> 00:16:41,534
Bob, that's just great.
510
00:16:41,659 --> 00:16:43,327
Yeah, you know, you're almost about as good as Will Rogers.
511
00:16:43,452 --> 00:16:44,662
Oh, thanks a lot, fellas. Look.
512
00:16:44,787 --> 00:16:46,288
I got to go now, huh? - No, no, listen.
513
00:16:46,372 --> 00:16:47,832
Do something else, huh?
514
00:16:47,915 --> 00:16:50,459
But you said just do one thing,
and you'd tell the truth and help me out.
515
00:16:50,543 --> 00:16:53,629
Rob, we've got a confession.
516
00:16:53,713 --> 00:16:54,672
We lied.
517
00:16:57,842 --> 00:16:59,510
Mrs. Petrie, please don't worry.
518
00:16:59,593 --> 00:17:02,054
There's been no indication of any trouble.
519
00:17:02,179 --> 00:17:03,597
What do you mean by trouble?
520
00:17:03,681 --> 00:17:04,473
Hey, I know.
521
00:17:04,557 --> 00:17:06,726
Like him holding him hostage when
they're planning for a break.
522
00:17:06,851 --> 00:17:07,810
Oh. BUDDY: Right?
523
00:17:07,893 --> 00:17:11,772
Buddy, you should have your own TV
show, "The Amazing Mr. Stupid."
524
00:17:11,856 --> 00:17:13,691
What are you trying to upset her for?
525
00:17:13,774 --> 00:17:15,526
There's nothing to be upset about.
526
00:17:15,609 --> 00:17:17,611
We'll have him back in no time.
527
00:17:17,695 --> 00:17:18,571
From where?
528
00:17:18,696 --> 00:17:20,114
Well, we're not sure yet.
529
00:17:20,197 --> 00:17:21,699
Don't worry, Laura.
530
00:17:21,782 --> 00:17:23,701
If they do anything to Rob, they'll never get away with it.
531
00:17:23,826 --> 00:17:24,952
Oh, Buddy.
532
00:17:25,036 --> 00:17:26,078
Hey, Sally.
533
00:17:26,203 --> 00:17:27,204
I just introduced you. You're on.
534
00:17:27,288 --> 00:17:28,080
OK.
535
00:17:28,205 --> 00:17:29,331
Do me a favor, will you?
536
00:17:29,415 --> 00:17:32,668
Just keep that there until I get back.
537
00:17:32,752 --> 00:17:35,796
[cheering]
538
00:17:36,881 --> 00:17:41,093
(SINGING) When I was a little bitty
baby, my momma rocked in the cradle.
539
00:17:41,218 --> 00:17:45,890
In them old cotton fields back home.
540
00:17:46,015 --> 00:17:54,190
When I was a little bitty baby, my mama rocked me
in the cradle in them old cotton fields back home.
541
00:17:54,273 --> 00:17:59,528
Oh, when them cotton bolls get rotten,
you couldn't pick very much cotton in them
542
00:17:59,612 --> 00:18:03,491
old cotton fields back home.
543
00:18:03,574 --> 00:18:11,582
It was down Louisiana just about a mile or two from
Texarkana in them old cotton fields back home.
544
00:18:15,461 --> 00:18:22,134
It may sound a little bit funny, but you really
don't make much money in them old cotton fields
545
00:18:22,259 --> 00:18:24,428
back home.
546
00:18:24,512 --> 00:18:31,018
It may sound a little bit funny, but you really
don't make much money in the old cotton fields
547
00:18:31,102 --> 00:18:32,436
back home.
548
00:18:32,561 --> 00:18:37,942
Oh, when the cotton bolls get rotten,
you couldn't pick very much cotton in them
549
00:18:38,067 --> 00:18:41,904
old cotton fields back home.
550
00:18:41,987 --> 00:18:49,912
It was down, down in Louisiana just a mile or two
away from the Texarkana old cotton fields back home.
551
00:18:53,457 --> 00:19:02,633
When I was a little bitty baby, my momma rocked me
in the cradle in them old cotton fields back home.
552
00:19:02,717 --> 00:19:10,683
When I was a little bitty baby, my momma rocked me
in the cradle in them old cotton fields back home.
553
00:19:10,808 --> 00:19:15,813
In them old cotton fields back home.
554
00:19:15,896 --> 00:19:19,150
It was down in Louisiana, where we used
to have a little tiny shack about a mile
555
00:19:19,233 --> 00:19:26,991
or two across the Texas border in the cotton fields back home.
556
00:19:27,074 --> 00:19:30,578
[applause]
557
00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:35,875
Look.
558
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:37,626
It's only a matter of time before I get out of here.
559
00:19:37,710 --> 00:19:40,379
When the warden finds out you kept me locked
in a cell, you're going to be in some trouble.
560
00:19:40,504 --> 00:19:41,630
Now, look, pal.
561
00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:45,342
I know a great way to get into trouble is to
let a prisoner out of jail just because he
562
00:19:45,468 --> 00:19:47,136
says he's a song and dance man.
563
00:19:47,219 --> 00:19:49,013
I am not a song and dance man.
564
00:19:49,096 --> 00:19:50,181
I am a writer.
565
00:19:50,306 --> 00:19:52,767
Well, then write yourself a parole.
566
00:19:52,850 --> 00:19:54,769
I simply came up here to entertain the inmates,
567
00:19:54,852 --> 00:19:57,021
and I'll tell you something, I am never coming back again.
568
00:19:57,146 --> 00:19:58,022
Hmph.
569
00:19:58,105 --> 00:20:00,316
That's what they all say.
570
00:20:00,399 --> 00:20:04,862
Say, Rob, we think you're an OK
guy, and we're going to help you.
571
00:20:04,987 --> 00:20:06,280
You are?
572
00:20:06,364 --> 00:20:08,657
Guard, he's not one of us.
573
00:20:08,741 --> 00:20:10,326
He's with the TV show.
574
00:20:10,409 --> 00:20:12,203
Now, open up this door and let him out.
575
00:20:12,286 --> 00:20:13,037
Yeah, come on. Let him out.
576
00:20:13,162 --> 00:20:14,121
Oh, thank you, guys.
577
00:20:14,205 --> 00:20:15,039
I'll never forget this. Come on.
578
00:20:15,164 --> 00:20:16,040
Open it up.
579
00:20:16,123 --> 00:20:17,666
You must really be nutty.
580
00:20:17,750 --> 00:20:21,504
I don't believe you, and I'm going to believe them?
581
00:20:21,587 --> 00:20:23,506
We never thought of that, Rob.
582
00:20:23,589 --> 00:20:25,508
We tried.
583
00:20:25,591 --> 00:20:26,801
Look, Guard.
584
00:20:26,884 --> 00:20:27,635
Look at me.
585
00:20:27,718 --> 00:20:29,845
Do I look like a convict to you?
586
00:20:29,929 --> 00:20:33,224
You don't act like one, but you sure dress like one.
587
00:20:33,307 --> 00:20:34,183
That's it.
588
00:20:34,266 --> 00:20:35,184
What's it?
589
00:20:35,267 --> 00:20:36,394
I don't dress like one.
590
00:20:36,477 --> 00:20:38,062
Is this the underwear of a criminal?
591
00:20:41,482 --> 00:20:45,069
[cheering]
592
00:20:47,154 --> 00:20:48,364
OK. Shut up.
593
00:20:48,447 --> 00:20:49,824
Shut up.
594
00:20:49,907 --> 00:20:56,247
I'd like you to meet two people who fingered
me and got me in here, but they're great.
595
00:20:56,372 --> 00:20:57,748
Let's really hear it for them, huh?
596
00:20:57,873 --> 00:20:58,457
OK.
597
00:20:58,582 --> 00:20:59,542
Real big.
598
00:20:59,625 --> 00:21:01,293
Rob and Laura Petrie.
599
00:21:01,419 --> 00:21:02,336
Let's hear it.
600
00:21:02,420 --> 00:21:03,337
Huh?
601
00:21:03,421 --> 00:21:06,340
[applause and whistling]
602
00:21:06,424 --> 00:21:08,300
Hit it, boys.
603
00:21:08,426 --> 00:21:09,301
[music playing]
604
00:21:09,427 --> 00:21:11,303
The worst thing I ever saw.
605
00:21:11,429 --> 00:21:15,015
[music playing]
606
00:21:23,399 --> 00:21:27,111
(SINGING) I've got your number.
607
00:21:27,236 --> 00:21:30,406
I know you inside out.
608
00:21:30,489 --> 00:21:33,617
You ain't no Eagle Scout.
609
00:21:33,701 --> 00:21:36,996
You're all at sea.
610
00:21:37,121 --> 00:21:37,997
Oh yeah.
611
00:21:38,122 --> 00:21:39,790
You brag a lot.
612
00:21:39,915 --> 00:21:43,544
Wave your own flag a lot.
613
00:21:43,627 --> 00:21:46,505
But you're unsure a lot.
614
00:21:46,630 --> 00:21:50,176
You're a lot like me.
615
00:21:50,301 --> 00:21:53,429
I've got your number.
616
00:21:53,512 --> 00:21:56,640
And what you're looking for.
617
00:21:56,766 --> 00:22:03,439
And what I'm looking for just suits me fine.
618
00:22:03,522 --> 00:22:06,359
BOTH: We'll break the rules a lot.
619
00:22:06,484 --> 00:22:09,528
We'll be darn fools a lot.
620
00:22:09,653 --> 00:22:12,365
But then why should we not?
621
00:22:12,490 --> 00:22:18,329
How could we not combine--
BOTH: When I've got your number.
622
00:22:23,459 --> 00:22:26,170
I've got the glow you've got.
623
00:22:30,174 --> 00:22:32,426
I've got your number.
624
00:22:32,510 --> 00:22:37,223
And, baby, you know you've got mine.
625
00:22:42,603 --> 00:22:46,065
[applause]
626
00:22:46,190 --> 00:22:48,484
[whistling]
627
00:22:48,567 --> 00:22:52,446
[dance music]
628
00:22:52,530 --> 00:22:56,701
[shoes tapping]
629
00:23:41,328 --> 00:23:45,916
[applause]
630
00:23:51,255 --> 00:23:52,214
OK, guys.
631
00:23:52,297 --> 00:23:53,924
And now, we're in for a treat.
632
00:23:54,049 --> 00:23:56,260
Rob has a surprise for us.
633
00:23:56,343 --> 00:23:58,095
Oh, thank you very much, Lyle.
634
00:23:58,178 --> 00:24:02,057
As a memento of our little visit up here
to Granville State Prison, we have a door
635
00:24:02,140 --> 00:24:03,725
prize for some lucky convict.
636
00:24:06,520 --> 00:24:08,605
We're going to give him a door and let him out.
637
00:24:08,689 --> 00:24:09,982
[laughs]
638
00:24:10,107 --> 00:24:11,316
No.
639
00:24:11,441 --> 00:24:13,777
What it is is a beautiful transistor radio.
640
00:24:13,902 --> 00:24:14,987
OK, Sally.
641
00:24:15,112 --> 00:24:17,197
[murmuring]
642
00:24:19,867 --> 00:24:21,827
Read the number.
643
00:24:21,952 --> 00:24:29,918
And the winning number is 5278.
644
00:24:30,002 --> 00:24:31,211
That's me!
645
00:24:31,295 --> 00:24:32,588
Hey, I won it. I can't believe it.
646
00:24:32,671 --> 00:24:33,505
That's me.
647
00:24:33,630 --> 00:24:34,256
I won.
648
00:24:34,339 --> 00:24:35,841
[clamoring]
649
00:24:35,966 --> 00:24:36,842
Wait a minute.
650
00:24:40,804 --> 00:24:44,725
[theme music]45190
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