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[theme music]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey
Amsterdam, Larry Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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OK, there you go.
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Hey, Marge, would you tell Mel that
the monster sketch is all finished?
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Tell Mel he's finished.
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All right now.
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All right, come on, where's my red pencil?
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Dog-- Hey, what's this?
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Well, either it's a rose or your red pencil is blooming.
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Oh, who put it-- Rob,
you did, how sweet of you.
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Hey, hold it, I don't know anything about it.
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I didn't put it there, honest.
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Well, if you didn't, then who did?
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Wait a minute, you know,
I'm capable of doing something nice too.
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Buddy, you did.
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Aw, muah.
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No, I didn't.
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- Who sent it? - I don't know.
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I wish we had thought of it, but we didn't.
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I think you've got a secret admirer.
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A secret admirer?
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Yeah, you know, like those guys who
send a dozen roses to chorus girls.
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Yeah, but I'm not a chorus girl.
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That's why you only got one.
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Was there a note with it, Sal?
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I don't think so.
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Wait a minute, let me look.
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Nope.
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No, no.
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Maybe there's something written on the stem.
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Come on, now, one of you guys sent it, right?
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Now, just a second, maybe that
rose was meant for Rob or for me.
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Oh, come on, they don't send roses to fellas.
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Yeah, that's right, a rose is kind of a sissy flower.
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Are there mainly flowers?
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Why sure, there's snapdragons, tiger lilies, stinkweed.
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Oh, Buddy, come on.
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Crab grass, jonquils.
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Hey, wait a minute.
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This rose does have kind of a manly smell about it.
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What is that, Buddy?
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Pastrami.
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Yeah, that's what it is, it's pastrami.
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Well, there's our first clue.
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My secret admirer loves pastrami.
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Either that or this rose was pollinated by a kosher bee.
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Somebody loves me, I wonder who.
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(SINGING) La, dah, dah, dah, dum.
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I thought you were going into a song.
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Come on, Buddy, we don't help her figure this
thing out, we're not gonna get any work done.
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Hey, you know something?
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Nobody sent that rose, it grew right there in the drawer.
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It grew there?
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Yeah, one day you were eating sunflower seeds and
you accidentally dropped one right in the corner
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where the dirt is and it grew there.
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A rose from a sunflower seed?
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It's dark in there.
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How do they know what they're doing?
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Hey, there he is, the guy with enough forehead for four heads.
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Look, I don't have any time for your insults.
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We can do it later.
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How about right after lunch, 3:30?
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Rob, Marge said-- How about
right after my nap, 4:30?
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- The sk-- - 6 o'clock?
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The sketch was ready.
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Just in time to spoil your dinner.
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Mel, Mel, you have a garden, don't you?
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It's my hobby.
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Do you know anything about that?
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Well, yes, it's a rose.
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We should have called him earlier.
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Well, we might as well finish the other sketch after lunch.
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What happened to the sandwiches we ordered?
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They ought to be here by now.
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Hey, maybe it was some Latin American millionaire,
you know, he had his chauffeur crash in at night
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and put the rose in my desk.
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- Lunch for the bunch. - Hey, hey.
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- Oh, great! - How are you?
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How am I?
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How should I be?
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You should be rich with the prices you charge.
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Yeah, sure, well, what other place
sends up the boss with the food?
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You call Toots Shor, you don't get Toots Shor.
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You call Bert Monker's
Delicatessen, you get Bert Monker.
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Hey, maybe Rock Hudson sent it.
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Ah, I see my beloved got her rose.
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Hey, wait a minute, you know something about that rose?
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Well, why shouldn't I know something about the rose?
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Bert, why do you always answer a question with a question?
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Do I?
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Bert, did you say you know about who left the rose here?
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Did you see the guy?
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It was a little token of love to the Cleopatra of
comedy, from the Caesar of sandwiches; to the Juliet
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of jokes from the Romeo of rye.
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No?
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Don't you know who?
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You?
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Of course it was me.
100
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Didn't anybody else remember our anniversary?
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Anniversary?
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Ah, it's not from Rock Hudson.
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What is Rock Hudson gonna give you?
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Heartache.
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Yeah, what do we get from your sandwiches?
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Heart burn.
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You know, all morning long I've been trying to
figure out what I'm going to wear when I elope.
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And it just turns out to be another one of Bert's jokes.
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Joke?
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You call an anniversary a joke?
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Anniversary?
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Whose anniversary is it?
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Ours, darling.
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From the top of the barrel.
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Our anniversary?
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Exactly one year ago today, this lovely lady came
into my place and whispered these sweet words that
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will live forever in my heart.
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Pastrami with mustard, please.
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How do you remember that?
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You're the only one who ever said, please.
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Aw.
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Oh, the mystery is solved and I
kind of wish the butler did it.
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Hey, Sally, you want these guys
to think you don't love me?
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Oh, you know I do.
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Well, now wait a minute, the anniversary isn't over yet.
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I got another present for you.
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Oh, what's this?
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Probably a free ticket on a salami raffle.
129
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It's a ticket to a play.
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One of the customers gave it to me.
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My luck, I gotta have such high-class clientele.
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Nobody ever gives me a ticket to the ballgame.
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Yeah, I know.
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I lose my handsome stranger,
and I'll wind up going to a play alone.
135
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"Waiting for an Armadillo?"
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That's the title of a play.
137
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Laura and I were talking about that play.
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She wants to see it.
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It's supposed to be very avant garde.
140
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Avant garde?
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That's French for Off Broadway garbage.
142
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Just because it's a little
offbeat doesn't make it garbage.
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I understand it's so wild, you can't
even understand the intermission.
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Listen, Bert, I hate to take your ticket.
145
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Why don't you go?
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Me go?
147
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Well, if it was "South Pacific" maybe,
but "Waiting for an Armor-adillo?"
148
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Come on, Bert, you might like that far out stuff.
149
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Yeah, I saw the New York Mets play five times last year.
150
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That's far out enough for me.
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You go, Sally.
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All right, Bert, I think I will.
153
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Thank you very, very much.
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Don't thank me.
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All I have is yours for the asking.
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I would gladly give you anything I can.
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Well, what can I do for you?
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Pay me for the lunch.
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OK, fellas, come on.
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Your day, Sal.
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Your turn.
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Just one of my lucky days, right?
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There you go, Bert.
164
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And thank you very, very much for the rose.
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Did you really like it?
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Like it?
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I'm gonna take this rose home and crush
it between two pieces of rye bread.
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Yeah, I'll-- I'll supply the rye bread.
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But I'll see you tomorrow, Sally.
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Yeah.
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Get it?
172
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Oh, got it.
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Bye, Bert.
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Bye.
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And I thought I had a secret admirer.
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Sal, I think you have.
177
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Oh, come on, he's kidding.
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That's the story of my life.
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I'm surrounded by funny guys.
180
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You know, just once, just once I'd like to meet a guy
who only knew one punch line, "will you marry me?"
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That's a straight line.
182
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I'll take it.
183
00:07:05,282 --> 00:07:06,691
No, I mean it. I mean it.
184
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I don't care, even if he's not in show
business or knows nothing about comedy, he's
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a dull, bland, unfunny guy.
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Don't just stand there, volunteer.
187
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Hey, Mel, is that our sketch?
188
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Did Alan crumple those?
189
00:07:26,950 --> 00:07:29,672
Yeah, it's Alan's crumple.
190
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Did he crumple those all at once or one at a time?
191
00:07:32,184 --> 00:07:33,113
One at a time.
192
00:07:33,123 --> 00:07:34,448
That's bad.
193
00:07:34,458 --> 00:07:37,284
Now, he wants you to write another
sketch, even if you have to work tonight.
194
00:07:37,294 --> 00:07:39,181
And when you finish it, drop it off at his penthouse.
195
00:07:39,191 --> 00:07:41,642
I'd like to drop you off at his penthouse.
196
00:07:41,652 --> 00:07:46,689
Rob, I know you've heard me say this before, but yuck.
197
00:07:46,699 --> 00:07:51,465
There he goes, the only office boy
with a key to the executive washroom.
198
00:07:51,475 --> 00:07:54,092
Well, I guess I'll call Laura and
tell her to start dinner without me.
199
00:07:54,102 --> 00:07:56,532
I better call Pickles and tell
her to start fighting without me.
200
00:07:56,542 --> 00:08:00,328
Yeah, yeah, listen, and that armadillo
had better not wait for me either.
201
00:08:00,338 --> 00:08:01,600
Why don't you call Laura?
202
00:08:01,610 --> 00:08:03,143
Maybe she'd like the ticket to the play.
203
00:08:03,153 --> 00:08:04,540
Yeah that's a good idea.
204
00:08:04,550 --> 00:08:07,314
Better to call up and say, hey, honey would
you like to see a play, instead of, hey honey
205
00:08:07,324 --> 00:08:09,086
I won't be home for dinner. - Yeah.
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00:08:09,096 --> 00:08:13,406
[music playing]
207
00:08:25,923 --> 00:08:27,521
Boo!
208
00:08:27,531 --> 00:08:28,230
Who are you?
209
00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:29,795
Who are you?
210
00:08:29,805 --> 00:08:32,443
I'm the person sitting here and you're in the wrong seat.
211
00:08:32,453 --> 00:08:35,634
That's certainly no reason to scare me.
212
00:08:35,644 --> 00:08:39,283
197, that's the number on my seat and on my ticket.
213
00:08:39,293 --> 00:08:41,139
Well, how could you have that seat?
214
00:08:41,149 --> 00:08:42,974
Well, I do.
215
00:08:42,984 --> 00:08:44,685
Where'd you get that ticket?
216
00:08:44,695 --> 00:08:47,416
I got it-- that's
none of your business.
217
00:08:47,426 --> 00:08:50,482
And if you don't stop bothering me,
I'm just going to have to call the usher.
218
00:08:50,492 --> 00:08:51,817
I don't-- I'm not blaming you, lady.
219
00:08:51,827 --> 00:08:54,048
They probably sold the same ticket twice.
220
00:08:54,058 --> 00:08:56,258
But when my girl comes, you'll have to get out of that seat.
221
00:08:56,268 --> 00:08:58,928
Because I got 196 and she's got 197.
222
00:08:58,938 --> 00:09:00,036
Sorry.
223
00:09:11,552 --> 00:09:14,151
Lady, would you get up a minute?
224
00:09:14,161 --> 00:09:16,508
This is my seat.
225
00:09:16,518 --> 00:09:19,073
I know, but you're sitting on my rose.
226
00:09:19,083 --> 00:09:21,015
I beg your pardon.
227
00:09:25,691 --> 00:09:28,749
Miss, do you think it would be
possible for me to change my seat?
228
00:09:28,759 --> 00:09:30,793
I'm sorry, ma'am, but every seat is sold.
229
00:09:30,803 --> 00:09:32,899
Yeah, except that--
Sh, sh, it's starting.
230
00:09:32,909 --> 00:09:35,780
[drums sounding]
231
00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:38,134
What are you complaining about?
232
00:09:38,144 --> 00:09:42,075
I had a big evening planned, and I wind up the
next to a stranger holding a crushed rose.
233
00:09:42,085 --> 00:09:43,097
Sh.
234
00:09:43,107 --> 00:09:45,266
Oh, mind your own section.
235
00:09:45,276 --> 00:09:47,375
She's gonna miss the whole thing.
236
00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:53,086
She's gonna miss the overture.
237
00:09:53,096 --> 00:09:54,108
She missed it.
238
00:09:54,118 --> 00:09:57,883
Yes, no, Yes, no.
239
00:09:57,893 --> 00:10:00,197
Is the world ready for me?
240
00:10:00,207 --> 00:10:01,595
I could live without you.
241
00:10:01,605 --> 00:10:06,954
Up, down, yes, no, shall I stay or shall I go?
242
00:10:06,964 --> 00:10:07,893
ACTOR 1: Go!
243
00:10:07,903 --> 00:10:08,979
Good deal.
244
00:10:11,737 --> 00:10:15,296
Lady, where did you get that ticket?
245
00:10:15,306 --> 00:10:17,569
From my husband.
246
00:10:17,579 --> 00:10:19,050
ACTOR 2: Let's wait in the barrel.
247
00:10:19,060 --> 00:10:21,010
ACTOR 3: No, never, we're not allowed in the barrel.
248
00:10:21,020 --> 00:10:22,827
That's where the armor-adillo is.
249
00:10:25,417 --> 00:10:26,745
I can't understand it.
250
00:10:26,755 --> 00:10:28,351
You know, you give a girl a free ticket.
251
00:10:28,361 --> 00:10:30,061
Will you please sh.
252
00:10:30,071 --> 00:10:32,229
I'm trying to hear the actors.
253
00:10:32,239 --> 00:10:34,982
Why?
254
00:10:34,992 --> 00:10:37,297
Up, down, yes, no.
255
00:10:37,307 --> 00:10:38,319
Oh, boy.
256
00:10:38,329 --> 00:10:39,695
Shall I stay or shall I go?
257
00:10:39,705 --> 00:10:43,074
No, no, this time, you stay, I'll go.
258
00:10:43,084 --> 00:10:43,991
ACTOR 1: What have you?
259
00:10:44,001 --> 00:10:44,909
What have you?
260
00:10:44,919 --> 00:10:46,640
I have come with it.
261
00:10:46,650 --> 00:10:48,934
ACTOR 1: And you will die with it.
262
00:10:48,944 --> 00:10:49,976
Bang, bang!
263
00:10:49,986 --> 00:10:51,147
[thud]
264
00:11:06,250 --> 00:11:09,287
What!
265
00:11:09,297 --> 00:11:10,789
Rob, what are you doing in the closet?
266
00:11:10,799 --> 00:11:12,499
I was just putting the typewriter away.
267
00:11:12,509 --> 00:11:13,959
What time did you get home?
268
00:11:13,969 --> 00:11:15,002
Oh, about an hour ago.
269
00:11:15,012 --> 00:11:16,565
How was the play?
270
00:11:16,575 --> 00:11:18,734
The play was pretty bad, but the audience was even worse.
271
00:11:18,744 --> 00:11:20,569
Well, they don't write 'em the way they used to.
272
00:11:20,579 --> 00:11:24,845
There was a man sitting next to
me who would not leave me alone.
273
00:11:24,855 --> 00:11:26,304
What?
274
00:11:26,314 --> 00:11:28,244
That is the last time you ever go out alone.
275
00:11:28,254 --> 00:11:29,537
You're too pretty.
276
00:11:29,547 --> 00:11:31,414
No, I'm not and it wasn't that way at all.
277
00:11:31,424 --> 00:11:33,020
He must have been over 50.
278
00:11:33,030 --> 00:11:33,916
I don't care.
279
00:11:33,926 --> 00:11:34,855
That's the worst kind.
280
00:11:34,865 --> 00:11:37,461
They grab from memory.
281
00:11:37,471 --> 00:11:39,192
Darling, he wasn't a masher.
282
00:11:39,202 --> 00:11:40,631
He was just a big nuisance.
283
00:11:40,641 --> 00:11:42,425
He kept talking all through the whole first scene.
284
00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:44,364
Oh, is that all?
285
00:11:44,374 --> 00:11:45,657
Is that all?
286
00:11:45,667 --> 00:11:46,971
He ruined the play for me.
287
00:11:46,981 --> 00:11:49,056
I didn't hear any of the important dialogue.
288
00:11:49,066 --> 00:11:50,162
It was crazy.
289
00:11:50,172 --> 00:11:51,371
First he said, "boo."
290
00:11:51,381 --> 00:11:54,061
Then he said his girl was
supposed to be sitting in my seat.
291
00:11:54,071 --> 00:11:56,647
He had a rose on my seat,
which he took out from under-- A rose?
292
00:11:56,657 --> 00:11:57,565
Yeah.
293
00:11:57,575 --> 00:11:59,942
Hey, did it smell like pastrami?
294
00:11:59,952 --> 00:12:00,881
What?
295
00:12:00,891 --> 00:12:02,278
Honey, what did the guy look like?
296
00:12:02,288 --> 00:12:03,175
Well, what difference does that make?
297
00:12:03,185 --> 00:12:04,509
Just a hunch.
298
00:12:04,519 --> 00:12:06,386
Was he a little short guy, black haired, gray.
299
00:12:06,396 --> 00:12:08,388
Yeah, how'd you know?
300
00:12:08,398 --> 00:12:09,452
I'll bet it was Bert.
301
00:12:09,462 --> 00:12:10,349
Bert who?
302
00:12:10,359 --> 00:12:11,850
Bert Monker.
303
00:12:11,860 --> 00:12:13,018
Whose Bert Monker?
304
00:12:13,028 --> 00:12:14,353
The guy from the delicatessen.
305
00:12:14,363 --> 00:12:16,417
He gave Sally that ticket.
306
00:12:16,427 --> 00:12:18,127
And also he gave her the rose this morning.
307
00:12:18,137 --> 00:12:21,068
Oh, and he expected her to sit there tonight.
308
00:12:21,078 --> 00:12:22,590
Right.
309
00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:25,530
Oh, for heaven's sake, well, no wonder he was so upset.
310
00:12:25,540 --> 00:12:28,700
Well, why didn't he just call Sally
and ask her to go to the play with him.
311
00:12:28,710 --> 00:12:31,349
Oh, I'm sure he was afraid she would turn him down.
312
00:12:31,359 --> 00:12:33,643
And Sally thinks he's joking about it, anyway.
313
00:12:33,653 --> 00:12:35,102
Oh, well, this was no joke, Rob.
314
00:12:35,112 --> 00:12:37,918
He was really disappointed about her not being there.
315
00:12:37,928 --> 00:12:39,023
Was he?
316
00:12:39,033 --> 00:12:40,524
That funny bird.
317
00:12:40,534 --> 00:12:42,255
He's always playing pranks and pretending he loves her.
318
00:12:42,265 --> 00:12:43,757
And the thing is, he's not pretending.
319
00:12:43,767 --> 00:12:48,032
Well, he might just as well be pretending
because I don't think he's Sally's type.
320
00:12:48,042 --> 00:12:51,890
No, he'd be luckier just waiting for an armor-adillo.
321
00:12:51,900 --> 00:12:52,620
That's the guy.
322
00:12:52,630 --> 00:12:54,270
That's the guy, yeah.
323
00:12:58,027 --> 00:13:02,045
Imagine, Bert Monker's serious about
me, and all we ever did was kid around.
324
00:13:02,055 --> 00:13:05,173
Yeah, Pickles and me were kidding
around, that's how we got married.
325
00:13:05,183 --> 00:13:08,406
I found out she wasn't kidding.
326
00:13:08,416 --> 00:13:09,448
What are you gonna do, Sal?
327
00:13:09,458 --> 00:13:10,950
I don't know.
328
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:14,578
One thing though, let's not order
lunch from him today or ever.
329
00:13:14,588 --> 00:13:16,059
But Bert's got the best chopped liver in town.
330
00:13:16,069 --> 00:13:18,958
Well, what's more important, my life or your liver?
331
00:13:18,968 --> 00:13:20,292
Let me think about that a minute.
332
00:13:20,302 --> 00:13:21,460
Oh, Buddy!
333
00:13:21,470 --> 00:13:24,588
Look, I don't think not ordering from the guy
is going to discourage him any because he
334
00:13:24,598 --> 00:13:28,196
plotted it too carefully, you know,
the rose and the theater ticket.
335
00:13:28,206 --> 00:13:30,094
And the extra mustard.
336
00:13:30,104 --> 00:13:33,326
Look, maybe if I just ignore him, it'll blow over.
337
00:13:33,336 --> 00:13:37,372
I don't think it's gonna blow over.
338
00:13:37,382 --> 00:13:39,249
Hello?
339
00:13:39,259 --> 00:13:40,980
Oh, hi, Bert.
340
00:13:40,990 --> 00:13:42,148
It just blew up.
341
00:13:42,158 --> 00:13:43,420
Yeah.
342
00:13:43,430 --> 00:13:45,255
By gosh, I guess you're right, we did.
343
00:13:45,265 --> 00:13:46,548
Uh, just a second.
344
00:13:46,558 --> 00:13:48,383
He decided we forgot to order lunch.
345
00:13:48,393 --> 00:13:49,655
He's bringing something up.
346
00:13:49,665 --> 00:13:51,157
He's bringing a special sandwich for you.
347
00:13:51,167 --> 00:13:52,116
No.
348
00:13:52,126 --> 00:13:54,222
Hey, look Sal's not here.
349
00:13:54,232 --> 00:13:55,724
Well, she's gone.
350
00:13:55,734 --> 00:13:59,457
Well, she picked up her coat and her
hat and took a cab and went home.
351
00:13:59,467 --> 00:14:00,562
It was just a headache, that's all.
352
00:14:00,572 --> 00:14:01,459
Nothing serious.
353
00:14:01,469 --> 00:14:03,857
Bye.
354
00:14:03,867 --> 00:14:05,171
Hey!
355
00:14:05,181 --> 00:14:06,339
Come back after lunch.
356
00:14:06,349 --> 00:14:07,944
That was a mild headache I gave you.
357
00:14:07,954 --> 00:14:09,279
OK.
358
00:14:09,289 --> 00:14:10,447
How do you like that?
359
00:14:10,457 --> 00:14:12,073
OK, Mr. Henderson, out you go.
360
00:14:12,083 --> 00:14:14,409
You know you're not allowed in here when I feed the fish.
361
00:14:14,419 --> 00:14:15,952
Come on.
362
00:14:15,962 --> 00:14:17,018
There you go.
363
00:14:23,237 --> 00:14:25,754
As for you, Samson, don't swallow
too much water with your food.
364
00:14:25,764 --> 00:14:27,860
You know it makes you burp.
365
00:14:27,870 --> 00:14:29,466
[knocking]
366
00:14:29,476 --> 00:14:30,884
Who is it?
367
00:14:30,894 --> 00:14:32,823
BERT: Romeo.
368
00:14:32,833 --> 00:14:33,824
Bert?
369
00:14:33,834 --> 00:14:35,597
BERT: Do you know any other Romeos?
370
00:14:35,607 --> 00:14:37,495
Oh, boy.
371
00:14:37,505 --> 00:14:38,748
[groans]
372
00:14:43,299 --> 00:14:45,398
Come on in, Bert.
373
00:14:45,408 --> 00:14:46,941
Gee.
374
00:14:46,951 --> 00:14:49,486
I brought you some nice, hot chicken soup
because they told me you went home sick.
375
00:14:49,496 --> 00:14:51,217
Oh.
376
00:14:51,227 --> 00:14:52,614
That's awfully nice of you.
377
00:14:52,624 --> 00:14:57,056
Well, when Juliette is sick,
Romeo climbs the balcony with soup.
378
00:14:57,066 --> 00:14:57,952
Where will I put it?
379
00:14:57,962 --> 00:15:00,664
Uh, over there.
380
00:15:00,674 --> 00:15:04,292
Also, a nice turkey sandwich, all white meat.
381
00:15:04,302 --> 00:15:07,337
Uh, Bert, look, I, uh-- Come
on, you sit down and eat.
382
00:15:07,347 --> 00:15:10,194
You sit down and eat because the soup will get cold.
383
00:15:10,204 --> 00:15:12,571
Did the fellas at the office say anything?
384
00:15:12,581 --> 00:15:14,928
No, just that you went home sick.
385
00:15:14,938 --> 00:15:18,306
Well, I'm really not that sick,
I've just got a little headache.
386
00:15:18,316 --> 00:15:21,476
But you didn't have to come way out here, you know?
387
00:15:21,486 --> 00:15:25,021
I would climb mountains, swim oceans, cross deserts for you.
388
00:15:25,031 --> 00:15:28,045
But luckily I only had to take the subway.
389
00:15:28,055 --> 00:15:30,258
It's a little more dangerous than the other three.
390
00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:34,262
Come on, come on, eat, eat.
391
00:15:36,811 --> 00:15:39,557
I can't finish all this.
392
00:15:39,567 --> 00:15:41,267
Well, maybe I'll take half.
393
00:15:41,277 --> 00:15:42,687
Oh, OK, good.
394
00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:46,543
You know something?
395
00:15:46,553 --> 00:15:51,798
In all my years behind the counter,
I never made a full sandwich for myself.
396
00:15:51,808 --> 00:15:53,782
You know, I just nibble all day.
397
00:15:57,582 --> 00:16:02,475
Hey, you know I make a heck of a sandwich.
398
00:16:02,485 --> 00:16:03,518
I know why this tastes good?
399
00:16:03,528 --> 00:16:04,686
Why?
400
00:16:04,696 --> 00:16:07,856
Because I'm sharing it with someone.
401
00:16:07,866 --> 00:16:11,985
When you nibble, you nibble alone.
402
00:16:11,995 --> 00:16:13,528
Uh, Bert, look.
403
00:16:13,538 --> 00:16:15,071
[phone rings]
404
00:16:15,081 --> 00:16:16,406
Uh-uh.
405
00:16:16,416 --> 00:16:18,596
No, the queen will sit here.
406
00:16:18,606 --> 00:16:19,974
Your prince will get it.
407
00:16:23,274 --> 00:16:26,166
Hello, Ms. Rogers' residence.
408
00:16:26,176 --> 00:16:26,937
Who's this?
409
00:16:26,947 --> 00:16:28,314
BERT (ON PHONE): Who's this?
410
00:16:28,324 --> 00:16:29,482
Bert, is that you?
411
00:16:29,492 --> 00:16:30,420
Why shouldn't it be me?
412
00:16:30,430 --> 00:16:31,379
Who are you?
413
00:16:31,389 --> 00:16:32,610
Well, this is Rob Petrie.
414
00:16:32,620 --> 00:16:34,320
I was a little surprised to hear you there.
415
00:16:34,330 --> 00:16:36,217
BERT (ON PHONE): You want to talk to Sally?
416
00:16:36,227 --> 00:16:39,095
Well, yeah, unless you have
something you want to talk about?
417
00:16:39,105 --> 00:16:40,722
No, no.
418
00:16:40,732 --> 00:16:44,789
It's for you, another one of your many admirers.
419
00:16:44,799 --> 00:16:46,457
Thank you, Bert.
420
00:16:46,467 --> 00:16:47,687
Hello?
421
00:16:47,697 --> 00:16:48,730
Oh, hi, Rob.
422
00:16:48,740 --> 00:16:50,732
Sal, are you all right?
423
00:16:50,742 --> 00:16:52,838
SALLY (ON PHONE): Why shouldn't I be?
424
00:16:52,848 --> 00:16:56,029
Well, what's Bert doing there?
425
00:16:56,039 --> 00:16:57,864
Nothing.
426
00:16:57,874 --> 00:16:59,407
Yes, I feel much better.
427
00:16:59,417 --> 00:17:03,349
And Bert was sweet enough to bring me over some hot soup.
428
00:17:03,359 --> 00:17:04,350
Is it embarrassing?
429
00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:06,206
Oh, it certainly is.
430
00:17:06,216 --> 00:17:08,208
It's just what I needed.
431
00:17:08,218 --> 00:17:10,585
Look, Sally, I called to tell you, Alan loved the sketches.
432
00:17:10,595 --> 00:17:11,982
We don't have to do any rewrites on it.
433
00:17:11,992 --> 00:17:13,880
So you don't have to come in again.
434
00:17:13,890 --> 00:17:16,633
I guess now you want to come in though, huh?
435
00:17:16,643 --> 00:17:18,531
You have no idea.
436
00:17:18,541 --> 00:17:20,387
But if you need me, you need me.
437
00:17:20,397 --> 00:17:23,139
I'll get back to the office just as soon as I can.
438
00:17:23,149 --> 00:17:24,641
OK, Rob, bye.
439
00:17:24,651 --> 00:17:25,976
Gotta go to work.
440
00:17:25,986 --> 00:17:26,977
What, you're even working when you're sick?
441
00:17:26,987 --> 00:17:28,165
Well, that's show business.
442
00:17:28,175 --> 00:17:32,211
No, no, no, wait a minute, now you put that down,
you sit here, and you take out some time for lunch.
443
00:17:32,221 --> 00:17:34,880
And I want to tell you, Sally, if you were any relation to me,
444
00:17:34,890 --> 00:17:40,740
I mean, I mean, a cousin, a sister, a wife,
the first sniffle, one little sniffle,
445
00:17:40,750 --> 00:17:44,285
I'd take you right off to Miami
Beach or a resort of your choice.
446
00:17:44,295 --> 00:17:47,622
You come on and eat now.
447
00:17:47,632 --> 00:17:49,061
You're eating my half.
448
00:17:49,071 --> 00:17:52,064
Oh, sorry.
449
00:17:52,074 --> 00:17:54,170
Thank you.
450
00:17:54,180 --> 00:17:58,070
You know, Sally, we got a lot in common.
451
00:17:58,080 --> 00:17:59,363
We do?
452
00:17:59,373 --> 00:18:01,407
Sure, sure.
453
00:18:01,417 --> 00:18:03,305
We're both big kidders.
454
00:18:03,315 --> 00:18:07,017
You write jokes and I'm always doing jokes.
455
00:18:07,027 --> 00:18:12,314
I joke around so much, a lot of people,
they can't tell when I'm serious.
456
00:18:12,324 --> 00:18:15,150
I'm sure they can.
457
00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:16,257
Can you?
458
00:18:18,264 --> 00:18:20,530
How about that, I'm eating and I forgot the fish.
459
00:18:20,540 --> 00:18:22,931
I've better feed them before I get back to the office.
460
00:18:25,146 --> 00:18:28,371
You know, I just figured out what's wrong with you.
461
00:18:28,381 --> 00:18:31,771
I'm witty and gorgeous, what could be wrong?
462
00:18:31,781 --> 00:18:33,293
You never stumble.
463
00:18:33,303 --> 00:18:34,294
Stumble?
464
00:18:34,304 --> 00:18:35,712
Yeah, stumble.
465
00:18:35,722 --> 00:18:40,342
Like in all the Clark Gable movies, Claudette
Colbert would stumble and hurt her ankle.
466
00:18:40,352 --> 00:18:42,177
And he would run over and she'd lean on him.
467
00:18:42,187 --> 00:18:47,307
And they'd look into each other's eyes and
without saying a word, they'd get married.
468
00:18:47,317 --> 00:18:50,226
I mean, all those big stars, Robert Taylor, Cary Grant,
469
00:18:50,236 --> 00:18:54,522
half of them would never get a girl, unless the girl stumbled.
470
00:18:54,532 --> 00:19:05,241
So what chance does a guy like
me got with a sure-foot like you?
471
00:19:05,251 --> 00:19:06,534
Look, Bert.
472
00:19:06,544 --> 00:19:07,973
No, no, no, no kidding.
473
00:19:07,983 --> 00:19:11,896
I've been coming up to your office a long,
long time and I'm waiting and waiting.
474
00:19:14,028 --> 00:19:17,087
But you never stumble.
475
00:19:17,097 --> 00:19:19,881
I guess I was born with strong ankles.
476
00:19:19,891 --> 00:19:21,591
You want to know something else wrong with you.
477
00:19:21,601 --> 00:19:22,509
What?
478
00:19:22,519 --> 00:19:25,845
You overfeed your fish.
479
00:19:25,855 --> 00:19:27,493
It won't hurt them.
480
00:19:27,503 --> 00:19:29,539
It's a low cal fish food.
481
00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:36,523
You know something, I-- I,
uh-- I had a birthday last week.
482
00:19:36,533 --> 00:19:37,461
Oh, really?
483
00:19:37,471 --> 00:19:39,025
Why didn't you tell us?
484
00:19:39,035 --> 00:19:42,800
Well, when a man gets to be my age, he doesn't like to tell.
485
00:19:42,810 --> 00:19:44,343
It's a shock to his system.
486
00:19:44,353 --> 00:19:48,284
Yeah, I know, I had that shock the first time I was 29.
487
00:19:48,294 --> 00:19:52,351
What would you say if I told you I'm 53 years old?
488
00:19:52,361 --> 00:19:55,521
Well, I would say you don't look it.
489
00:19:55,531 --> 00:19:56,522
Thank you.
490
00:19:56,532 --> 00:19:58,712
I'm 49.
491
00:19:58,722 --> 00:20:01,756
Well, I would say you don't look 49.
492
00:20:01,766 --> 00:20:02,757
You know why?
493
00:20:02,767 --> 00:20:04,384
Because I'm 50.
494
00:20:04,394 --> 00:20:06,303
And that's the truth.
495
00:20:06,313 --> 00:20:08,430
Do I look 50?
496
00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:12,663
Well, no matter how old you are, Bert, you don't look it?
497
00:20:12,673 --> 00:20:13,706
You know why?
498
00:20:13,716 --> 00:20:15,937
Because you're young in here.
499
00:20:15,947 --> 00:20:18,940
No, here.
500
00:20:18,950 --> 00:20:21,401
You want to know something?
501
00:20:21,411 --> 00:20:24,675
When a man turns 50, he starts to think of all the girls
502
00:20:24,685 --> 00:20:29,451
who said, "you're a good friend, but--" I got to thinking,
503
00:20:29,461 --> 00:20:34,518
I'd rather get married and make some girl a nice enemy.
504
00:20:34,528 --> 00:20:38,168
Well, I'm sure you'll meet a nice girl, Bert.
505
00:20:38,178 --> 00:20:40,900
That's what always follows "but--"
506
00:20:40,910 --> 00:20:44,257
"you'll meet a nice girl."
507
00:20:44,267 --> 00:20:46,864
See, I'm not too original today.
508
00:20:46,874 --> 00:20:52,265
I just mean a wonderful man like you with a good
business and all, I mean, you've got a lot, Bert.
509
00:20:52,275 --> 00:20:52,974
Oh, yeah.
510
00:20:52,984 --> 00:20:56,019
Yeah, I, uh-- I got a lot.
511
00:20:56,029 --> 00:21:01,650
I got a dog and you got goldfish.
512
00:21:01,660 --> 00:21:04,048
You see those fish?
513
00:21:04,058 --> 00:21:06,196
They make sounds that we can't hear.
514
00:21:06,206 --> 00:21:12,556
When a fish gets lonely, it lets out a
call hoping another fish will answer.
515
00:21:12,566 --> 00:21:14,204
Where'd you read that?
516
00:21:14,214 --> 00:21:16,102
I didn't, I made it up.
517
00:21:16,112 --> 00:21:18,875
Look, I'm calling now, Sally.
518
00:21:18,885 --> 00:21:20,150
I'm calling now.
519
00:21:22,406 --> 00:21:23,528
And I'm hoping.
520
00:21:26,911 --> 00:21:32,347
Funny, I've written thousands of words
of dialogue, can't come up with a line.
521
00:21:32,357 --> 00:21:33,056
Try, Sally.
522
00:21:33,066 --> 00:21:34,414
Please try.
523
00:21:37,255 --> 00:21:42,586
Look, Bert, just because any two people are
lonely, it doesn't mean if they get together
524
00:21:42,596 --> 00:21:44,255
it will solve everything.
525
00:21:44,265 --> 00:21:49,802
I mean, even certain kinds of fish
aren't happy together in the same tank.
526
00:21:49,812 --> 00:21:51,866
What kinds?
527
00:21:51,876 --> 00:21:53,201
I don't know.
528
00:21:53,211 --> 00:21:58,581
But if you're allowed to make up things, so am I.
529
00:21:58,591 --> 00:21:59,916
See what I mean?
530
00:21:59,926 --> 00:22:02,273
I practically trip her and she don't stumble.
531
00:22:02,283 --> 00:22:07,590
Bert, I don't want to stumble into love.
532
00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:09,824
I want a nice, clean fall.
533
00:22:15,042 --> 00:22:17,663
What are we doing making big jokes around here?
534
00:22:17,673 --> 00:22:19,227
I got a business to run.
535
00:22:19,237 --> 00:22:22,022
I got ketchup to water down and prices to raise.
536
00:22:22,032 --> 00:22:23,857
And I got a partner to watch.
537
00:22:23,867 --> 00:22:29,446
And, uh-- Goodbye, Sally.
538
00:22:29,456 --> 00:22:30,512
Bert.
539
00:22:34,770 --> 00:22:36,101
Thank you.
540
00:22:41,652 --> 00:22:44,401
That's a lot better than saying we'll be good friends.
541
00:22:46,657 --> 00:22:49,823
Well, I guess the Mets will probably lose today, too.
542
00:23:08,262 --> 00:23:12,447
Gee, Mr. Henderson, I envy you.
543
00:23:12,457 --> 00:23:16,766
If I had nine lives like you, I'd have given him one of them.
544
00:23:20,066 --> 00:23:21,018
[inaudible]
545
00:23:22,028 --> 00:23:23,019
Hey, Bert.
546
00:23:23,029 --> 00:23:23,916
Hey, Bert.
547
00:23:23,926 --> 00:23:25,063
Hey, here you are.
548
00:23:25,073 --> 00:23:26,627
Here's your chicken salad.
549
00:23:26,637 --> 00:23:29,672
And for you, boiled Virginia ham with mayo.
550
00:23:29,682 --> 00:23:33,801
No, I wanted ham with Virginia Mayo.
551
00:23:33,811 --> 00:23:35,094
Where's Sally?
552
00:23:35,104 --> 00:23:36,032
Hi, fellas.
553
00:23:36,042 --> 00:23:36,971
Hi.
554
00:23:36,981 --> 00:23:39,473
Oh, hi, Bert.
555
00:23:39,483 --> 00:23:43,250
And for Sally, comes a corned beef on rye.
556
00:23:46,758 --> 00:23:48,211
What is everybody staring at?
557
00:23:48,221 --> 00:23:50,714
BUDDY: You got something growing out of your chest.
558
00:23:50,724 --> 00:23:51,610
Oh.
559
00:23:51,620 --> 00:23:53,383
Oh, this.
560
00:23:53,393 --> 00:23:57,116
Did you bring me another rose, Bert?
561
00:23:57,126 --> 00:24:00,494
You want another rose?
562
00:24:00,504 --> 00:24:03,435
Well, I tell you, with the corned
beef, I'd rather have coleslaw.
563
00:24:03,445 --> 00:24:06,774
You got coleslaw and a rose, too.
564
00:24:09,614 --> 00:24:10,713
Bert.
565
00:24:10,723 --> 00:24:12,006
A friend!
566
00:24:12,016 --> 00:24:13,361
I mean, you can't give a rose to a friend?
567
00:24:13,371 --> 00:24:15,947
It's not a fraternity pin.
568
00:24:15,957 --> 00:24:18,470
See you tomorrow.
569
00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:19,221
So long Bert.
570
00:24:19,231 --> 00:24:20,889
See you, Bert.
571
00:24:20,899 --> 00:24:22,474
Uh-oh.
572
00:24:22,484 --> 00:24:24,143
Sal, you're starting all over again.
573
00:24:24,153 --> 00:24:31,233
No, it's just like my Aunt Agnes always says,
"It's better to get a rose from a casual friend
574
00:24:31,243 --> 00:24:35,237
than to get a can of succotash from a hoodlum."
575
00:24:35,247 --> 00:24:37,281
I think we're all agreed on that.
576
00:24:37,291 --> 00:24:38,574
You understand that?
577
00:24:38,584 --> 00:24:39,640
Get out!
578
00:24:47,986 --> 00:24:53,946
[theme music]
42073
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