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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,961 --> 00:00:03,997 [theme music] 2 00:00:04,007 --> 00:00:07,000 ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show," 3 00:00:07,010 --> 00:00:19,223 starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore. 4 00:00:21,688 --> 00:00:23,141 OK, there you go. 5 00:00:23,151 --> 00:00:26,853 Hey, Marge, would you tell Mel that the monster sketch is all finished? 6 00:00:26,863 --> 00:00:29,481 Tell Mel he's finished. 7 00:00:29,491 --> 00:00:30,795 All right now. 8 00:00:30,805 --> 00:00:32,713 All right, come on, where's my red pencil? 9 00:00:32,723 --> 00:00:38,365 Dog-- Hey, what's this? 10 00:00:38,375 --> 00:00:43,203 Well, either it's a rose or your red pencil is blooming. 11 00:00:43,213 --> 00:00:48,834 Oh, who put it-- Rob, you did, how sweet of you. 12 00:00:48,844 --> 00:00:50,982 Hey, hold it, I don't know anything about it. 13 00:00:50,992 --> 00:00:52,233 I didn't put it there, honest. 14 00:00:52,243 --> 00:00:53,818 Well, if you didn't, then who did? 15 00:00:53,828 --> 00:00:57,655 Wait a minute, you know, I'm capable of doing something nice too. 16 00:00:57,665 --> 00:00:59,657 Buddy, you did. 17 00:00:59,667 --> 00:01:01,492 Aw, muah. 18 00:01:01,502 --> 00:01:04,453 No, I didn't. 19 00:01:04,463 --> 00:01:05,788 - Who sent it? - I don't know. 20 00:01:05,798 --> 00:01:07,164 I wish we had thought of it, but we didn't. 21 00:01:07,174 --> 00:01:09,521 I think you've got a secret admirer. 22 00:01:09,531 --> 00:01:10,835 A secret admirer? 23 00:01:10,845 --> 00:01:14,005 Yeah, you know, like those guys who send a dozen roses to chorus girls. 24 00:01:14,015 --> 00:01:15,089 Yeah, but I'm not a chorus girl. 25 00:01:15,099 --> 00:01:17,571 That's why you only got one. 26 00:01:17,581 --> 00:01:18,697 Was there a note with it, Sal? 27 00:01:18,707 --> 00:01:19,698 I don't think so. 28 00:01:19,708 --> 00:01:21,366 Wait a minute, let me look. 29 00:01:21,376 --> 00:01:22,304 Nope. 30 00:01:22,314 --> 00:01:24,036 No, no. 31 00:01:24,046 --> 00:01:25,975 Maybe there's something written on the stem. 32 00:01:25,985 --> 00:01:28,206 Come on, now, one of you guys sent it, right? 33 00:01:28,216 --> 00:01:31,856 Now, just a second, maybe that rose was meant for Rob or for me. 34 00:01:31,866 --> 00:01:34,442 Oh, come on, they don't send roses to fellas. 35 00:01:34,452 --> 00:01:36,944 Yeah, that's right, a rose is kind of a sissy flower. 36 00:01:36,954 --> 00:01:38,425 Are there mainly flowers? 37 00:01:38,435 --> 00:01:42,262 Why sure, there's snapdragons, tiger lilies, stinkweed. 38 00:01:42,272 --> 00:01:42,992 Oh, Buddy, come on. 39 00:01:43,002 --> 00:01:46,391 Crab grass, jonquils. 40 00:01:46,401 --> 00:01:48,268 Hey, wait a minute. 41 00:01:48,278 --> 00:01:51,271 This rose does have kind of a manly smell about it. 42 00:01:51,281 --> 00:01:53,210 What is that, Buddy? 43 00:01:53,220 --> 00:01:54,274 Pastrami. 44 00:01:54,284 --> 00:01:57,069 Yeah, that's what it is, it's pastrami. 45 00:01:57,079 --> 00:01:58,674 Well, there's our first clue. 46 00:01:58,684 --> 00:02:01,114 My secret admirer loves pastrami. 47 00:02:01,124 --> 00:02:04,453 Either that or this rose was pollinated by a kosher bee. 48 00:02:07,586 --> 00:02:09,956 Somebody loves me, I wonder who. 49 00:02:09,966 --> 00:02:11,812 (SINGING) La, dah, dah, dah, dum. 50 00:02:11,822 --> 00:02:14,127 I thought you were going into a song. 51 00:02:14,137 --> 00:02:17,464 Come on, Buddy, we don't help her figure this thing out, we're not gonna get any work done. 52 00:02:17,474 --> 00:02:18,986 Hey, you know something? 53 00:02:18,996 --> 00:02:21,322 Nobody sent that rose, it grew right there in the drawer. 54 00:02:21,332 --> 00:02:22,469 It grew there? 55 00:02:22,479 --> 00:02:25,931 Yeah, one day you were eating sunflower seeds and you accidentally dropped one right in the corner 56 00:02:25,941 --> 00:02:27,599 where the dirt is and it grew there. 57 00:02:27,609 --> 00:02:29,497 A rose from a sunflower seed? 58 00:02:29,507 --> 00:02:30,665 It's dark in there. 59 00:02:30,675 --> 00:02:32,604 How do they know what they're doing? 60 00:02:32,614 --> 00:02:35,169 Hey, there he is, the guy with enough forehead for four heads. 61 00:02:35,179 --> 00:02:37,317 Look, I don't have any time for your insults. 62 00:02:37,327 --> 00:02:38,923 We can do it later. 63 00:02:38,933 --> 00:02:40,549 How about right after lunch, 3:30? 64 00:02:40,559 --> 00:02:42,656 Rob, Marge said-- How about right after my nap, 4:30? 65 00:02:42,666 --> 00:02:43,552 - The sk-- - 6 o'clock? 66 00:02:43,562 --> 00:02:44,720 The sketch was ready. 67 00:02:44,730 --> 00:02:46,451 Just in time to spoil your dinner. 68 00:02:46,461 --> 00:02:49,830 Mel, Mel, you have a garden, don't you? 69 00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:51,102 It's my hobby. 70 00:02:51,112 --> 00:02:53,000 Do you know anything about that? 71 00:02:53,010 --> 00:02:55,004 Well, yes, it's a rose. 72 00:02:58,929 --> 00:03:01,529 We should have called him earlier. 73 00:03:01,539 --> 00:03:03,844 Well, we might as well finish the other sketch after lunch. 74 00:03:03,854 --> 00:03:05,178 What happened to the sandwiches we ordered? 75 00:03:05,188 --> 00:03:06,972 They ought to be here by now. 76 00:03:06,982 --> 00:03:11,914 Hey, maybe it was some Latin American millionaire, you know, he had his chauffeur crash in at night 77 00:03:11,924 --> 00:03:13,958 and put the rose in my desk. 78 00:03:13,968 --> 00:03:15,147 - Lunch for the bunch. - Hey, hey. 79 00:03:15,157 --> 00:03:16,711 - Oh, great! - How are you? 80 00:03:16,721 --> 00:03:17,649 How am I? 81 00:03:17,659 --> 00:03:18,984 How should I be? 82 00:03:18,994 --> 00:03:20,256 You should be rich with the prices you charge. 83 00:03:20,266 --> 00:03:23,926 Yeah, sure, well, what other place sends up the boss with the food? 84 00:03:23,936 --> 00:03:25,970 You call Toots Shor, you don't get Toots Shor. 85 00:03:25,980 --> 00:03:30,891 You call Bert Monker's Delicatessen, you get Bert Monker. 86 00:03:30,901 --> 00:03:33,832 Hey, maybe Rock Hudson sent it. 87 00:03:33,842 --> 00:03:36,314 Ah, I see my beloved got her rose. 88 00:03:36,324 --> 00:03:38,211 Hey, wait a minute, you know something about that rose? 89 00:03:38,221 --> 00:03:40,047 Well, why shouldn't I know something about the rose? 90 00:03:40,057 --> 00:03:42,570 Bert, why do you always answer a question with a question? 91 00:03:42,580 --> 00:03:44,155 Do I? 92 00:03:44,165 --> 00:03:46,553 Bert, did you say you know about who left the rose here? 93 00:03:46,563 --> 00:03:48,617 Did you see the guy? 94 00:03:48,627 --> 00:03:54,227 It was a little token of love to the Cleopatra of comedy, from the Caesar of sandwiches; to the Juliet 95 00:03:54,237 --> 00:03:57,126 of jokes from the Romeo of rye. 96 00:03:57,136 --> 00:03:57,856 No? 97 00:03:57,866 --> 00:03:59,900 Don't you know who? 98 00:03:59,910 --> 00:04:01,568 You? 99 00:04:01,578 --> 00:04:03,341 Of course it was me. 100 00:04:03,351 --> 00:04:06,698 Didn't anybody else remember our anniversary? 101 00:04:06,708 --> 00:04:07,741 Anniversary? 102 00:04:07,751 --> 00:04:11,745 Ah, it's not from Rock Hudson. 103 00:04:11,755 --> 00:04:13,705 What is Rock Hudson gonna give you? 104 00:04:13,715 --> 00:04:15,040 Heartache. 105 00:04:15,050 --> 00:04:16,249 Yeah, what do we get from your sandwiches? 106 00:04:16,259 --> 00:04:17,188 Heart burn. 107 00:04:17,198 --> 00:04:20,587 You know, all morning long I've been trying to figure out what I'm going to wear when I elope. 108 00:04:20,597 --> 00:04:23,423 And it just turns out to be another one of Bert's jokes. 109 00:04:23,433 --> 00:04:24,320 Joke? 110 00:04:24,330 --> 00:04:26,864 You call an anniversary a joke? 111 00:04:26,874 --> 00:04:27,782 Anniversary? 112 00:04:27,792 --> 00:04:28,949 Whose anniversary is it? 113 00:04:28,959 --> 00:04:30,660 Ours, darling. 114 00:04:30,670 --> 00:04:33,767 From the top of the barrel. 115 00:04:33,777 --> 00:04:36,374 Our anniversary? 116 00:04:36,384 --> 00:04:42,046 Exactly one year ago today, this lovely lady came into my place and whispered these sweet words that 117 00:04:42,056 --> 00:04:44,340 will live forever in my heart. 118 00:04:44,350 --> 00:04:47,614 Pastrami with mustard, please. 119 00:04:47,624 --> 00:04:49,220 How do you remember that? 120 00:04:49,230 --> 00:04:51,180 You're the only one who ever said, please. 121 00:04:51,190 --> 00:04:52,223 Aw. 122 00:04:52,233 --> 00:04:55,247 Oh, the mystery is solved and I kind of wish the butler did it. 123 00:04:55,257 --> 00:04:57,791 Hey, Sally, you want these guys to think you don't love me? 124 00:04:57,801 --> 00:04:59,522 Oh, you know I do. 125 00:04:59,532 --> 00:05:01,983 Well, now wait a minute, the anniversary isn't over yet. 126 00:05:01,993 --> 00:05:03,859 I got another present for you. 127 00:05:03,869 --> 00:05:05,152 Oh, what's this? 128 00:05:05,162 --> 00:05:07,634 Probably a free ticket on a salami raffle. 129 00:05:07,644 --> 00:05:09,740 It's a ticket to a play. 130 00:05:09,750 --> 00:05:11,471 One of the customers gave it to me. 131 00:05:11,481 --> 00:05:13,577 My luck, I gotta have such high-class clientele. 132 00:05:13,587 --> 00:05:15,434 Nobody ever gives me a ticket to the ballgame. 133 00:05:15,444 --> 00:05:16,810 Yeah, I know. 134 00:05:16,820 --> 00:05:20,001 I lose my handsome stranger, and I'll wind up going to a play alone. 135 00:05:20,011 --> 00:05:22,753 "Waiting for an Armadillo?" 136 00:05:22,763 --> 00:05:24,171 That's the title of a play. 137 00:05:24,181 --> 00:05:25,715 Laura and I were talking about that play. 138 00:05:25,725 --> 00:05:26,945 She wants to see it. 139 00:05:26,955 --> 00:05:27,779 It's supposed to be very avant garde. 140 00:05:27,789 --> 00:05:29,051 Avant garde? 141 00:05:29,061 --> 00:05:31,262 That's French for Off Broadway garbage. 142 00:05:31,272 --> 00:05:34,161 Just because it's a little offbeat doesn't make it garbage. 143 00:05:34,171 --> 00:05:37,518 I understand it's so wild, you can't even understand the intermission. 144 00:05:37,528 --> 00:05:40,000 Listen, Bert, I hate to take your ticket. 145 00:05:40,010 --> 00:05:40,938 Why don't you go? 146 00:05:40,948 --> 00:05:42,356 Me go? 147 00:05:42,366 --> 00:05:47,278 Well, if it was "South Pacific" maybe, but "Waiting for an Armor-adillo?" 148 00:05:47,288 --> 00:05:49,343 Come on, Bert, you might like that far out stuff. 149 00:05:49,353 --> 00:05:52,408 Yeah, I saw the New York Mets play five times last year. 150 00:05:52,418 --> 00:05:55,077 That's far out enough for me. 151 00:05:55,087 --> 00:05:56,475 You go, Sally. 152 00:05:56,485 --> 00:05:57,851 All right, Bert, I think I will. 153 00:05:57,861 --> 00:05:59,144 Thank you very, very much. 154 00:05:59,154 --> 00:06:00,812 Don't thank me. 155 00:06:00,822 --> 00:06:02,543 All I have is yours for the asking. 156 00:06:02,553 --> 00:06:05,296 I would gladly give you anything I can. 157 00:06:05,306 --> 00:06:09,696 Well, what can I do for you? 158 00:06:09,706 --> 00:06:12,991 Pay me for the lunch. 159 00:06:13,001 --> 00:06:14,138 OK, fellas, come on. 160 00:06:14,148 --> 00:06:15,056 Your day, Sal. 161 00:06:15,066 --> 00:06:16,203 Your turn. 162 00:06:16,213 --> 00:06:18,976 Just one of my lucky days, right? 163 00:06:18,986 --> 00:06:20,269 There you go, Bert. 164 00:06:20,279 --> 00:06:24,273 And thank you very, very much for the rose. 165 00:06:24,283 --> 00:06:25,545 Did you really like it? 166 00:06:25,555 --> 00:06:26,817 Like it? 167 00:06:26,827 --> 00:06:31,447 I'm gonna take this rose home and crush it between two pieces of rye bread. 168 00:06:31,457 --> 00:06:35,785 Yeah, I'll-- I'll supply the rye bread. 169 00:06:35,795 --> 00:06:37,391 But I'll see you tomorrow, Sally. 170 00:06:37,401 --> 00:06:39,413 Yeah. 171 00:06:39,423 --> 00:06:40,122 Get it? 172 00:06:40,132 --> 00:06:42,458 Oh, got it. 173 00:06:42,468 --> 00:06:43,417 Bye, Bert. 174 00:06:43,427 --> 00:06:44,525 Bye. 175 00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:50,591 And I thought I had a secret admirer. 176 00:06:50,601 --> 00:06:51,738 Sal, I think you have. 177 00:06:51,748 --> 00:06:53,198 Oh, come on, he's kidding. 178 00:06:53,208 --> 00:06:54,303 That's the story of my life. 179 00:06:54,313 --> 00:06:56,263 I'm surrounded by funny guys. 180 00:06:56,273 --> 00:07:02,874 You know, just once, just once I'd like to meet a guy who only knew one punch line, "will you marry me?" 181 00:07:02,884 --> 00:07:04,209 That's a straight line. 182 00:07:04,219 --> 00:07:05,272 I'll take it. 183 00:07:05,282 --> 00:07:06,691 No, I mean it. I mean it. 184 00:07:06,701 --> 00:07:10,215 I don't care, even if he's not in show business or knows nothing about comedy, he's 185 00:07:10,225 --> 00:07:13,280 a dull, bland, unfunny guy. 186 00:07:13,290 --> 00:07:15,473 Don't just stand there, volunteer. 187 00:07:19,857 --> 00:07:25,209 Hey, Mel, is that our sketch? 188 00:07:25,219 --> 00:07:26,940 Did Alan crumple those? 189 00:07:26,950 --> 00:07:29,672 Yeah, it's Alan's crumple. 190 00:07:29,682 --> 00:07:32,174 Did he crumple those all at once or one at a time? 191 00:07:32,184 --> 00:07:33,113 One at a time. 192 00:07:33,123 --> 00:07:34,448 That's bad. 193 00:07:34,458 --> 00:07:37,284 Now, he wants you to write another sketch, even if you have to work tonight. 194 00:07:37,294 --> 00:07:39,181 And when you finish it, drop it off at his penthouse. 195 00:07:39,191 --> 00:07:41,642 I'd like to drop you off at his penthouse. 196 00:07:41,652 --> 00:07:46,689 Rob, I know you've heard me say this before, but yuck. 197 00:07:46,699 --> 00:07:51,465 There he goes, the only office boy with a key to the executive washroom. 198 00:07:51,475 --> 00:07:54,092 Well, I guess I'll call Laura and tell her to start dinner without me. 199 00:07:54,102 --> 00:07:56,532 I better call Pickles and tell her to start fighting without me. 200 00:07:56,542 --> 00:08:00,328 Yeah, yeah, listen, and that armadillo had better not wait for me either. 201 00:08:00,338 --> 00:08:01,600 Why don't you call Laura? 202 00:08:01,610 --> 00:08:03,143 Maybe she'd like the ticket to the play. 203 00:08:03,153 --> 00:08:04,540 Yeah that's a good idea. 204 00:08:04,550 --> 00:08:07,314 Better to call up and say, hey, honey would you like to see a play, instead of, hey honey 205 00:08:07,324 --> 00:08:09,086 I won't be home for dinner. - Yeah. 206 00:08:09,096 --> 00:08:13,406 [music playing] 207 00:08:25,923 --> 00:08:27,521 Boo! 208 00:08:27,531 --> 00:08:28,230 Who are you? 209 00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:29,795 Who are you? 210 00:08:29,805 --> 00:08:32,443 I'm the person sitting here and you're in the wrong seat. 211 00:08:32,453 --> 00:08:35,634 That's certainly no reason to scare me. 212 00:08:35,644 --> 00:08:39,283 197, that's the number on my seat and on my ticket. 213 00:08:39,293 --> 00:08:41,139 Well, how could you have that seat? 214 00:08:41,149 --> 00:08:42,974 Well, I do. 215 00:08:42,984 --> 00:08:44,685 Where'd you get that ticket? 216 00:08:44,695 --> 00:08:47,416 I got it-- that's none of your business. 217 00:08:47,426 --> 00:08:50,482 And if you don't stop bothering me, I'm just going to have to call the usher. 218 00:08:50,492 --> 00:08:51,817 I don't-- I'm not blaming you, lady. 219 00:08:51,827 --> 00:08:54,048 They probably sold the same ticket twice. 220 00:08:54,058 --> 00:08:56,258 But when my girl comes, you'll have to get out of that seat. 221 00:08:56,268 --> 00:08:58,928 Because I got 196 and she's got 197. 222 00:08:58,938 --> 00:09:00,036 Sorry. 223 00:09:11,552 --> 00:09:14,151 Lady, would you get up a minute? 224 00:09:14,161 --> 00:09:16,508 This is my seat. 225 00:09:16,518 --> 00:09:19,073 I know, but you're sitting on my rose. 226 00:09:19,083 --> 00:09:21,015 I beg your pardon. 227 00:09:25,691 --> 00:09:28,749 Miss, do you think it would be possible for me to change my seat? 228 00:09:28,759 --> 00:09:30,793 I'm sorry, ma'am, but every seat is sold. 229 00:09:30,803 --> 00:09:32,899 Yeah, except that-- Sh, sh, it's starting. 230 00:09:32,909 --> 00:09:35,780 [drums sounding] 231 00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:38,134 What are you complaining about? 232 00:09:38,144 --> 00:09:42,075 I had a big evening planned, and I wind up the next to a stranger holding a crushed rose. 233 00:09:42,085 --> 00:09:43,097 Sh. 234 00:09:43,107 --> 00:09:45,266 Oh, mind your own section. 235 00:09:45,276 --> 00:09:47,375 She's gonna miss the whole thing. 236 00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:53,086 She's gonna miss the overture. 237 00:09:53,096 --> 00:09:54,108 She missed it. 238 00:09:54,118 --> 00:09:57,883 Yes, no, Yes, no. 239 00:09:57,893 --> 00:10:00,197 Is the world ready for me? 240 00:10:00,207 --> 00:10:01,595 I could live without you. 241 00:10:01,605 --> 00:10:06,954 Up, down, yes, no, shall I stay or shall I go? 242 00:10:06,964 --> 00:10:07,893 ACTOR 1: Go! 243 00:10:07,903 --> 00:10:08,979 Good deal. 244 00:10:11,737 --> 00:10:15,296 Lady, where did you get that ticket? 245 00:10:15,306 --> 00:10:17,569 From my husband. 246 00:10:17,579 --> 00:10:19,050 ACTOR 2: Let's wait in the barrel. 247 00:10:19,060 --> 00:10:21,010 ACTOR 3: No, never, we're not allowed in the barrel. 248 00:10:21,020 --> 00:10:22,827 That's where the armor-adillo is. 249 00:10:25,417 --> 00:10:26,745 I can't understand it. 250 00:10:26,755 --> 00:10:28,351 You know, you give a girl a free ticket. 251 00:10:28,361 --> 00:10:30,061 Will you please sh. 252 00:10:30,071 --> 00:10:32,229 I'm trying to hear the actors. 253 00:10:32,239 --> 00:10:34,982 Why? 254 00:10:34,992 --> 00:10:37,297 Up, down, yes, no. 255 00:10:37,307 --> 00:10:38,319 Oh, boy. 256 00:10:38,329 --> 00:10:39,695 Shall I stay or shall I go? 257 00:10:39,705 --> 00:10:43,074 No, no, this time, you stay, I'll go. 258 00:10:43,084 --> 00:10:43,991 ACTOR 1: What have you? 259 00:10:44,001 --> 00:10:44,909 What have you? 260 00:10:44,919 --> 00:10:46,640 I have come with it. 261 00:10:46,650 --> 00:10:48,934 ACTOR 1: And you will die with it. 262 00:10:48,944 --> 00:10:49,976 Bang, bang! 263 00:10:49,986 --> 00:10:51,147 [thud] 264 00:11:06,250 --> 00:11:09,287 What! 265 00:11:09,297 --> 00:11:10,789 Rob, what are you doing in the closet? 266 00:11:10,799 --> 00:11:12,499 I was just putting the typewriter away. 267 00:11:12,509 --> 00:11:13,959 What time did you get home? 268 00:11:13,969 --> 00:11:15,002 Oh, about an hour ago. 269 00:11:15,012 --> 00:11:16,565 How was the play? 270 00:11:16,575 --> 00:11:18,734 The play was pretty bad, but the audience was even worse. 271 00:11:18,744 --> 00:11:20,569 Well, they don't write 'em the way they used to. 272 00:11:20,579 --> 00:11:24,845 There was a man sitting next to me who would not leave me alone. 273 00:11:24,855 --> 00:11:26,304 What? 274 00:11:26,314 --> 00:11:28,244 That is the last time you ever go out alone. 275 00:11:28,254 --> 00:11:29,537 You're too pretty. 276 00:11:29,547 --> 00:11:31,414 No, I'm not and it wasn't that way at all. 277 00:11:31,424 --> 00:11:33,020 He must have been over 50. 278 00:11:33,030 --> 00:11:33,916 I don't care. 279 00:11:33,926 --> 00:11:34,855 That's the worst kind. 280 00:11:34,865 --> 00:11:37,461 They grab from memory. 281 00:11:37,471 --> 00:11:39,192 Darling, he wasn't a masher. 282 00:11:39,202 --> 00:11:40,631 He was just a big nuisance. 283 00:11:40,641 --> 00:11:42,425 He kept talking all through the whole first scene. 284 00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:44,364 Oh, is that all? 285 00:11:44,374 --> 00:11:45,657 Is that all? 286 00:11:45,667 --> 00:11:46,971 He ruined the play for me. 287 00:11:46,981 --> 00:11:49,056 I didn't hear any of the important dialogue. 288 00:11:49,066 --> 00:11:50,162 It was crazy. 289 00:11:50,172 --> 00:11:51,371 First he said, "boo." 290 00:11:51,381 --> 00:11:54,061 Then he said his girl was supposed to be sitting in my seat. 291 00:11:54,071 --> 00:11:56,647 He had a rose on my seat, which he took out from under-- A rose? 292 00:11:56,657 --> 00:11:57,565 Yeah. 293 00:11:57,575 --> 00:11:59,942 Hey, did it smell like pastrami? 294 00:11:59,952 --> 00:12:00,881 What? 295 00:12:00,891 --> 00:12:02,278 Honey, what did the guy look like? 296 00:12:02,288 --> 00:12:03,175 Well, what difference does that make? 297 00:12:03,185 --> 00:12:04,509 Just a hunch. 298 00:12:04,519 --> 00:12:06,386 Was he a little short guy, black haired, gray. 299 00:12:06,396 --> 00:12:08,388 Yeah, how'd you know? 300 00:12:08,398 --> 00:12:09,452 I'll bet it was Bert. 301 00:12:09,462 --> 00:12:10,349 Bert who? 302 00:12:10,359 --> 00:12:11,850 Bert Monker. 303 00:12:11,860 --> 00:12:13,018 Whose Bert Monker? 304 00:12:13,028 --> 00:12:14,353 The guy from the delicatessen. 305 00:12:14,363 --> 00:12:16,417 He gave Sally that ticket. 306 00:12:16,427 --> 00:12:18,127 And also he gave her the rose this morning. 307 00:12:18,137 --> 00:12:21,068 Oh, and he expected her to sit there tonight. 308 00:12:21,078 --> 00:12:22,590 Right. 309 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:25,530 Oh, for heaven's sake, well, no wonder he was so upset. 310 00:12:25,540 --> 00:12:28,700 Well, why didn't he just call Sally and ask her to go to the play with him. 311 00:12:28,710 --> 00:12:31,349 Oh, I'm sure he was afraid she would turn him down. 312 00:12:31,359 --> 00:12:33,643 And Sally thinks he's joking about it, anyway. 313 00:12:33,653 --> 00:12:35,102 Oh, well, this was no joke, Rob. 314 00:12:35,112 --> 00:12:37,918 He was really disappointed about her not being there. 315 00:12:37,928 --> 00:12:39,023 Was he? 316 00:12:39,033 --> 00:12:40,524 That funny bird. 317 00:12:40,534 --> 00:12:42,255 He's always playing pranks and pretending he loves her. 318 00:12:42,265 --> 00:12:43,757 And the thing is, he's not pretending. 319 00:12:43,767 --> 00:12:48,032 Well, he might just as well be pretending because I don't think he's Sally's type. 320 00:12:48,042 --> 00:12:51,890 No, he'd be luckier just waiting for an armor-adillo. 321 00:12:51,900 --> 00:12:52,620 That's the guy. 322 00:12:52,630 --> 00:12:54,270 That's the guy, yeah. 323 00:12:58,027 --> 00:13:02,045 Imagine, Bert Monker's serious about me, and all we ever did was kid around. 324 00:13:02,055 --> 00:13:05,173 Yeah, Pickles and me were kidding around, that's how we got married. 325 00:13:05,183 --> 00:13:08,406 I found out she wasn't kidding. 326 00:13:08,416 --> 00:13:09,448 What are you gonna do, Sal? 327 00:13:09,458 --> 00:13:10,950 I don't know. 328 00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:14,578 One thing though, let's not order lunch from him today or ever. 329 00:13:14,588 --> 00:13:16,059 But Bert's got the best chopped liver in town. 330 00:13:16,069 --> 00:13:18,958 Well, what's more important, my life or your liver? 331 00:13:18,968 --> 00:13:20,292 Let me think about that a minute. 332 00:13:20,302 --> 00:13:21,460 Oh, Buddy! 333 00:13:21,470 --> 00:13:24,588 Look, I don't think not ordering from the guy is going to discourage him any because he 334 00:13:24,598 --> 00:13:28,196 plotted it too carefully, you know, the rose and the theater ticket. 335 00:13:28,206 --> 00:13:30,094 And the extra mustard. 336 00:13:30,104 --> 00:13:33,326 Look, maybe if I just ignore him, it'll blow over. 337 00:13:33,336 --> 00:13:37,372 I don't think it's gonna blow over. 338 00:13:37,382 --> 00:13:39,249 Hello? 339 00:13:39,259 --> 00:13:40,980 Oh, hi, Bert. 340 00:13:40,990 --> 00:13:42,148 It just blew up. 341 00:13:42,158 --> 00:13:43,420 Yeah. 342 00:13:43,430 --> 00:13:45,255 By gosh, I guess you're right, we did. 343 00:13:45,265 --> 00:13:46,548 Uh, just a second. 344 00:13:46,558 --> 00:13:48,383 He decided we forgot to order lunch. 345 00:13:48,393 --> 00:13:49,655 He's bringing something up. 346 00:13:49,665 --> 00:13:51,157 He's bringing a special sandwich for you. 347 00:13:51,167 --> 00:13:52,116 No. 348 00:13:52,126 --> 00:13:54,222 Hey, look Sal's not here. 349 00:13:54,232 --> 00:13:55,724 Well, she's gone. 350 00:13:55,734 --> 00:13:59,457 Well, she picked up her coat and her hat and took a cab and went home. 351 00:13:59,467 --> 00:14:00,562 It was just a headache, that's all. 352 00:14:00,572 --> 00:14:01,459 Nothing serious. 353 00:14:01,469 --> 00:14:03,857 Bye. 354 00:14:03,867 --> 00:14:05,171 Hey! 355 00:14:05,181 --> 00:14:06,339 Come back after lunch. 356 00:14:06,349 --> 00:14:07,944 That was a mild headache I gave you. 357 00:14:07,954 --> 00:14:09,279 OK. 358 00:14:09,289 --> 00:14:10,447 How do you like that? 359 00:14:10,457 --> 00:14:12,073 OK, Mr. Henderson, out you go. 360 00:14:12,083 --> 00:14:14,409 You know you're not allowed in here when I feed the fish. 361 00:14:14,419 --> 00:14:15,952 Come on. 362 00:14:15,962 --> 00:14:17,018 There you go. 363 00:14:23,237 --> 00:14:25,754 As for you, Samson, don't swallow too much water with your food. 364 00:14:25,764 --> 00:14:27,860 You know it makes you burp. 365 00:14:27,870 --> 00:14:29,466 [knocking] 366 00:14:29,476 --> 00:14:30,884 Who is it? 367 00:14:30,894 --> 00:14:32,823 BERT: Romeo. 368 00:14:32,833 --> 00:14:33,824 Bert? 369 00:14:33,834 --> 00:14:35,597 BERT: Do you know any other Romeos? 370 00:14:35,607 --> 00:14:37,495 Oh, boy. 371 00:14:37,505 --> 00:14:38,748 [groans] 372 00:14:43,299 --> 00:14:45,398 Come on in, Bert. 373 00:14:45,408 --> 00:14:46,941 Gee. 374 00:14:46,951 --> 00:14:49,486 I brought you some nice, hot chicken soup because they told me you went home sick. 375 00:14:49,496 --> 00:14:51,217 Oh. 376 00:14:51,227 --> 00:14:52,614 That's awfully nice of you. 377 00:14:52,624 --> 00:14:57,056 Well, when Juliette is sick, Romeo climbs the balcony with soup. 378 00:14:57,066 --> 00:14:57,952 Where will I put it? 379 00:14:57,962 --> 00:15:00,664 Uh, over there. 380 00:15:00,674 --> 00:15:04,292 Also, a nice turkey sandwich, all white meat. 381 00:15:04,302 --> 00:15:07,337 Uh, Bert, look, I, uh-- Come on, you sit down and eat. 382 00:15:07,347 --> 00:15:10,194 You sit down and eat because the soup will get cold. 383 00:15:10,204 --> 00:15:12,571 Did the fellas at the office say anything? 384 00:15:12,581 --> 00:15:14,928 No, just that you went home sick. 385 00:15:14,938 --> 00:15:18,306 Well, I'm really not that sick, I've just got a little headache. 386 00:15:18,316 --> 00:15:21,476 But you didn't have to come way out here, you know? 387 00:15:21,486 --> 00:15:25,021 I would climb mountains, swim oceans, cross deserts for you. 388 00:15:25,031 --> 00:15:28,045 But luckily I only had to take the subway. 389 00:15:28,055 --> 00:15:30,258 It's a little more dangerous than the other three. 390 00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:34,262 Come on, come on, eat, eat. 391 00:15:36,811 --> 00:15:39,557 I can't finish all this. 392 00:15:39,567 --> 00:15:41,267 Well, maybe I'll take half. 393 00:15:41,277 --> 00:15:42,687 Oh, OK, good. 394 00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:46,543 You know something? 395 00:15:46,553 --> 00:15:51,798 In all my years behind the counter, I never made a full sandwich for myself. 396 00:15:51,808 --> 00:15:53,782 You know, I just nibble all day. 397 00:15:57,582 --> 00:16:02,475 Hey, you know I make a heck of a sandwich. 398 00:16:02,485 --> 00:16:03,518 I know why this tastes good? 399 00:16:03,528 --> 00:16:04,686 Why? 400 00:16:04,696 --> 00:16:07,856 Because I'm sharing it with someone. 401 00:16:07,866 --> 00:16:11,985 When you nibble, you nibble alone. 402 00:16:11,995 --> 00:16:13,528 Uh, Bert, look. 403 00:16:13,538 --> 00:16:15,071 [phone rings] 404 00:16:15,081 --> 00:16:16,406 Uh-uh. 405 00:16:16,416 --> 00:16:18,596 No, the queen will sit here. 406 00:16:18,606 --> 00:16:19,974 Your prince will get it. 407 00:16:23,274 --> 00:16:26,166 Hello, Ms. Rogers' residence. 408 00:16:26,176 --> 00:16:26,937 Who's this? 409 00:16:26,947 --> 00:16:28,314 BERT (ON PHONE): Who's this? 410 00:16:28,324 --> 00:16:29,482 Bert, is that you? 411 00:16:29,492 --> 00:16:30,420 Why shouldn't it be me? 412 00:16:30,430 --> 00:16:31,379 Who are you? 413 00:16:31,389 --> 00:16:32,610 Well, this is Rob Petrie. 414 00:16:32,620 --> 00:16:34,320 I was a little surprised to hear you there. 415 00:16:34,330 --> 00:16:36,217 BERT (ON PHONE): You want to talk to Sally? 416 00:16:36,227 --> 00:16:39,095 Well, yeah, unless you have something you want to talk about? 417 00:16:39,105 --> 00:16:40,722 No, no. 418 00:16:40,732 --> 00:16:44,789 It's for you, another one of your many admirers. 419 00:16:44,799 --> 00:16:46,457 Thank you, Bert. 420 00:16:46,467 --> 00:16:47,687 Hello? 421 00:16:47,697 --> 00:16:48,730 Oh, hi, Rob. 422 00:16:48,740 --> 00:16:50,732 Sal, are you all right? 423 00:16:50,742 --> 00:16:52,838 SALLY (ON PHONE): Why shouldn't I be? 424 00:16:52,848 --> 00:16:56,029 Well, what's Bert doing there? 425 00:16:56,039 --> 00:16:57,864 Nothing. 426 00:16:57,874 --> 00:16:59,407 Yes, I feel much better. 427 00:16:59,417 --> 00:17:03,349 And Bert was sweet enough to bring me over some hot soup. 428 00:17:03,359 --> 00:17:04,350 Is it embarrassing? 429 00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:06,206 Oh, it certainly is. 430 00:17:06,216 --> 00:17:08,208 It's just what I needed. 431 00:17:08,218 --> 00:17:10,585 Look, Sally, I called to tell you, Alan loved the sketches. 432 00:17:10,595 --> 00:17:11,982 We don't have to do any rewrites on it. 433 00:17:11,992 --> 00:17:13,880 So you don't have to come in again. 434 00:17:13,890 --> 00:17:16,633 I guess now you want to come in though, huh? 435 00:17:16,643 --> 00:17:18,531 You have no idea. 436 00:17:18,541 --> 00:17:20,387 But if you need me, you need me. 437 00:17:20,397 --> 00:17:23,139 I'll get back to the office just as soon as I can. 438 00:17:23,149 --> 00:17:24,641 OK, Rob, bye. 439 00:17:24,651 --> 00:17:25,976 Gotta go to work. 440 00:17:25,986 --> 00:17:26,977 What, you're even working when you're sick? 441 00:17:26,987 --> 00:17:28,165 Well, that's show business. 442 00:17:28,175 --> 00:17:32,211 No, no, no, wait a minute, now you put that down, you sit here, and you take out some time for lunch. 443 00:17:32,221 --> 00:17:34,880 And I want to tell you, Sally, if you were any relation to me, 444 00:17:34,890 --> 00:17:40,740 I mean, I mean, a cousin, a sister, a wife, the first sniffle, one little sniffle, 445 00:17:40,750 --> 00:17:44,285 I'd take you right off to Miami Beach or a resort of your choice. 446 00:17:44,295 --> 00:17:47,622 You come on and eat now. 447 00:17:47,632 --> 00:17:49,061 You're eating my half. 448 00:17:49,071 --> 00:17:52,064 Oh, sorry. 449 00:17:52,074 --> 00:17:54,170 Thank you. 450 00:17:54,180 --> 00:17:58,070 You know, Sally, we got a lot in common. 451 00:17:58,080 --> 00:17:59,363 We do? 452 00:17:59,373 --> 00:18:01,407 Sure, sure. 453 00:18:01,417 --> 00:18:03,305 We're both big kidders. 454 00:18:03,315 --> 00:18:07,017 You write jokes and I'm always doing jokes. 455 00:18:07,027 --> 00:18:12,314 I joke around so much, a lot of people, they can't tell when I'm serious. 456 00:18:12,324 --> 00:18:15,150 I'm sure they can. 457 00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:16,257 Can you? 458 00:18:18,264 --> 00:18:20,530 How about that, I'm eating and I forgot the fish. 459 00:18:20,540 --> 00:18:22,931 I've better feed them before I get back to the office. 460 00:18:25,146 --> 00:18:28,371 You know, I just figured out what's wrong with you. 461 00:18:28,381 --> 00:18:31,771 I'm witty and gorgeous, what could be wrong? 462 00:18:31,781 --> 00:18:33,293 You never stumble. 463 00:18:33,303 --> 00:18:34,294 Stumble? 464 00:18:34,304 --> 00:18:35,712 Yeah, stumble. 465 00:18:35,722 --> 00:18:40,342 Like in all the Clark Gable movies, Claudette Colbert would stumble and hurt her ankle. 466 00:18:40,352 --> 00:18:42,177 And he would run over and she'd lean on him. 467 00:18:42,187 --> 00:18:47,307 And they'd look into each other's eyes and without saying a word, they'd get married. 468 00:18:47,317 --> 00:18:50,226 I mean, all those big stars, Robert Taylor, Cary Grant, 469 00:18:50,236 --> 00:18:54,522 half of them would never get a girl, unless the girl stumbled. 470 00:18:54,532 --> 00:19:05,241 So what chance does a guy like me got with a sure-foot like you? 471 00:19:05,251 --> 00:19:06,534 Look, Bert. 472 00:19:06,544 --> 00:19:07,973 No, no, no, no kidding. 473 00:19:07,983 --> 00:19:11,896 I've been coming up to your office a long, long time and I'm waiting and waiting. 474 00:19:14,028 --> 00:19:17,087 But you never stumble. 475 00:19:17,097 --> 00:19:19,881 I guess I was born with strong ankles. 476 00:19:19,891 --> 00:19:21,591 You want to know something else wrong with you. 477 00:19:21,601 --> 00:19:22,509 What? 478 00:19:22,519 --> 00:19:25,845 You overfeed your fish. 479 00:19:25,855 --> 00:19:27,493 It won't hurt them. 480 00:19:27,503 --> 00:19:29,539 It's a low cal fish food. 481 00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:36,523 You know something, I-- I, uh-- I had a birthday last week. 482 00:19:36,533 --> 00:19:37,461 Oh, really? 483 00:19:37,471 --> 00:19:39,025 Why didn't you tell us? 484 00:19:39,035 --> 00:19:42,800 Well, when a man gets to be my age, he doesn't like to tell. 485 00:19:42,810 --> 00:19:44,343 It's a shock to his system. 486 00:19:44,353 --> 00:19:48,284 Yeah, I know, I had that shock the first time I was 29. 487 00:19:48,294 --> 00:19:52,351 What would you say if I told you I'm 53 years old? 488 00:19:52,361 --> 00:19:55,521 Well, I would say you don't look it. 489 00:19:55,531 --> 00:19:56,522 Thank you. 490 00:19:56,532 --> 00:19:58,712 I'm 49. 491 00:19:58,722 --> 00:20:01,756 Well, I would say you don't look 49. 492 00:20:01,766 --> 00:20:02,757 You know why? 493 00:20:02,767 --> 00:20:04,384 Because I'm 50. 494 00:20:04,394 --> 00:20:06,303 And that's the truth. 495 00:20:06,313 --> 00:20:08,430 Do I look 50? 496 00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:12,663 Well, no matter how old you are, Bert, you don't look it? 497 00:20:12,673 --> 00:20:13,706 You know why? 498 00:20:13,716 --> 00:20:15,937 Because you're young in here. 499 00:20:15,947 --> 00:20:18,940 No, here. 500 00:20:18,950 --> 00:20:21,401 You want to know something? 501 00:20:21,411 --> 00:20:24,675 When a man turns 50, he starts to think of all the girls 502 00:20:24,685 --> 00:20:29,451 who said, "you're a good friend, but--" I got to thinking, 503 00:20:29,461 --> 00:20:34,518 I'd rather get married and make some girl a nice enemy. 504 00:20:34,528 --> 00:20:38,168 Well, I'm sure you'll meet a nice girl, Bert. 505 00:20:38,178 --> 00:20:40,900 That's what always follows "but--" 506 00:20:40,910 --> 00:20:44,257 "you'll meet a nice girl." 507 00:20:44,267 --> 00:20:46,864 See, I'm not too original today. 508 00:20:46,874 --> 00:20:52,265 I just mean a wonderful man like you with a good business and all, I mean, you've got a lot, Bert. 509 00:20:52,275 --> 00:20:52,974 Oh, yeah. 510 00:20:52,984 --> 00:20:56,019 Yeah, I, uh-- I got a lot. 511 00:20:56,029 --> 00:21:01,650 I got a dog and you got goldfish. 512 00:21:01,660 --> 00:21:04,048 You see those fish? 513 00:21:04,058 --> 00:21:06,196 They make sounds that we can't hear. 514 00:21:06,206 --> 00:21:12,556 When a fish gets lonely, it lets out a call hoping another fish will answer. 515 00:21:12,566 --> 00:21:14,204 Where'd you read that? 516 00:21:14,214 --> 00:21:16,102 I didn't, I made it up. 517 00:21:16,112 --> 00:21:18,875 Look, I'm calling now, Sally. 518 00:21:18,885 --> 00:21:20,150 I'm calling now. 519 00:21:22,406 --> 00:21:23,528 And I'm hoping. 520 00:21:26,911 --> 00:21:32,347 Funny, I've written thousands of words of dialogue, can't come up with a line. 521 00:21:32,357 --> 00:21:33,056 Try, Sally. 522 00:21:33,066 --> 00:21:34,414 Please try. 523 00:21:37,255 --> 00:21:42,586 Look, Bert, just because any two people are lonely, it doesn't mean if they get together 524 00:21:42,596 --> 00:21:44,255 it will solve everything. 525 00:21:44,265 --> 00:21:49,802 I mean, even certain kinds of fish aren't happy together in the same tank. 526 00:21:49,812 --> 00:21:51,866 What kinds? 527 00:21:51,876 --> 00:21:53,201 I don't know. 528 00:21:53,211 --> 00:21:58,581 But if you're allowed to make up things, so am I. 529 00:21:58,591 --> 00:21:59,916 See what I mean? 530 00:21:59,926 --> 00:22:02,273 I practically trip her and she don't stumble. 531 00:22:02,283 --> 00:22:07,590 Bert, I don't want to stumble into love. 532 00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:09,824 I want a nice, clean fall. 533 00:22:15,042 --> 00:22:17,663 What are we doing making big jokes around here? 534 00:22:17,673 --> 00:22:19,227 I got a business to run. 535 00:22:19,237 --> 00:22:22,022 I got ketchup to water down and prices to raise. 536 00:22:22,032 --> 00:22:23,857 And I got a partner to watch. 537 00:22:23,867 --> 00:22:29,446 And, uh-- Goodbye, Sally. 538 00:22:29,456 --> 00:22:30,512 Bert. 539 00:22:34,770 --> 00:22:36,101 Thank you. 540 00:22:41,652 --> 00:22:44,401 That's a lot better than saying we'll be good friends. 541 00:22:46,657 --> 00:22:49,823 Well, I guess the Mets will probably lose today, too. 542 00:23:08,262 --> 00:23:12,447 Gee, Mr. Henderson, I envy you. 543 00:23:12,457 --> 00:23:16,766 If I had nine lives like you, I'd have given him one of them. 544 00:23:20,066 --> 00:23:21,018 [inaudible] 545 00:23:22,028 --> 00:23:23,019 Hey, Bert. 546 00:23:23,029 --> 00:23:23,916 Hey, Bert. 547 00:23:23,926 --> 00:23:25,063 Hey, here you are. 548 00:23:25,073 --> 00:23:26,627 Here's your chicken salad. 549 00:23:26,637 --> 00:23:29,672 And for you, boiled Virginia ham with mayo. 550 00:23:29,682 --> 00:23:33,801 No, I wanted ham with Virginia Mayo. 551 00:23:33,811 --> 00:23:35,094 Where's Sally? 552 00:23:35,104 --> 00:23:36,032 Hi, fellas. 553 00:23:36,042 --> 00:23:36,971 Hi. 554 00:23:36,981 --> 00:23:39,473 Oh, hi, Bert. 555 00:23:39,483 --> 00:23:43,250 And for Sally, comes a corned beef on rye. 556 00:23:46,758 --> 00:23:48,211 What is everybody staring at? 557 00:23:48,221 --> 00:23:50,714 BUDDY: You got something growing out of your chest. 558 00:23:50,724 --> 00:23:51,610 Oh. 559 00:23:51,620 --> 00:23:53,383 Oh, this. 560 00:23:53,393 --> 00:23:57,116 Did you bring me another rose, Bert? 561 00:23:57,126 --> 00:24:00,494 You want another rose? 562 00:24:00,504 --> 00:24:03,435 Well, I tell you, with the corned beef, I'd rather have coleslaw. 563 00:24:03,445 --> 00:24:06,774 You got coleslaw and a rose, too. 564 00:24:09,614 --> 00:24:10,713 Bert. 565 00:24:10,723 --> 00:24:12,006 A friend! 566 00:24:12,016 --> 00:24:13,361 I mean, you can't give a rose to a friend? 567 00:24:13,371 --> 00:24:15,947 It's not a fraternity pin. 568 00:24:15,957 --> 00:24:18,470 See you tomorrow. 569 00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:19,221 So long Bert. 570 00:24:19,231 --> 00:24:20,889 See you, Bert. 571 00:24:20,899 --> 00:24:22,474 Uh-oh. 572 00:24:22,484 --> 00:24:24,143 Sal, you're starting all over again. 573 00:24:24,153 --> 00:24:31,233 No, it's just like my Aunt Agnes always says, "It's better to get a rose from a casual friend 574 00:24:31,243 --> 00:24:35,237 than to get a can of succotash from a hoodlum." 575 00:24:35,247 --> 00:24:37,281 I think we're all agreed on that. 576 00:24:37,291 --> 00:24:38,574 You understand that? 577 00:24:38,584 --> 00:24:39,640 Get out! 578 00:24:47,986 --> 00:24:53,946 [theme music] 42073

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