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NARRATOR: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey
Amsterdam, Larry Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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[music playing]
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[phone ringing]
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Just a second.
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Sorry.
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Yeah?
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Yeah, Marge?
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Mr. Steele?
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Right, I'm expecting him.
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Send him in.
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Well, he's my accountant's new accountant.
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OK.
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I better neaten up.
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I don't want to get coffee on my tax returns.
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Hello.
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Bert Steele.
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Mr. Steele.
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That's a funny name for an accountant.
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Yes, I know.
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I have your returns here, Mr. Petrie.
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Oh, good.
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Why don't you use my desk?
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Thank you.
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I can't wait to see them.
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Your tax returns?
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Well, yeah.
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Kind of like reading your own obituary.
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I beg your pardon?
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No, I beg yours.
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Now, about your returns, Mr. Petrie, they're almost
complete, except for a few little discrepancies
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here.
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Discrepancies?
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Yes.
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There are a few items I find rather puzzling.
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Oh.
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Well, I'll be glad to clear up anything I can.
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I have a check here, Mr. Petrie,
$35 for farming equipment.
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Farming equipment?
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Well, you see, that's framing.
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My wife has lousy handwriting.
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I bought, you know, some molding to frame some paintings.
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ND.
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- ND? - Of course.
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Well, what's ND?
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Framing.
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Farming would have been D.
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Now, I don't-- I don't like to appear stupid,
but I don't think I could avoid it here.
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What is D and ND?
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Deductible and-- Oh,
and non-deductible, of course.
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I have a check here that should be a D.
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Well, what one's that?
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There's one here to Jerry Helper.
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He's your dentist, isn't he?
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Yeah, that's right.
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Well, then that $37.50 is a definite MD.
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Well, no, he's a DDS.
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MD, medical deduction.
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Oh.
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Well, that's not a medical deduction.
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You see, every year, I give my friend
Jerry Helper a check for $37.50.
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Well, why?
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Well, you might call it, um, friendship money.
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You pay this man to be your friend?
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Well, no.
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Well, as a matter of fact, yeah, I pay
Jerry helper every year to be my friend.
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Mr. Petrie, do I understand you?
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You say you pay this man to be your friend.
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Well, actually, it's because he is my friend.
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Well, what's the difference?
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Well, you see, Jerry and I have been friends ever
since we were neighbors way back in Willettown.
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Did you pay him to be your friend at that time too?
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Well, this is going to get awful long and involved here.
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Believe me, it's not deductible.
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I think I'd be a better judge of that.
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Boy, I think-- you're gonna think this is pretty crazy.
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Mr. Petrie, I say it's those little crazy
things that add up to significant savings.
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Well, yeah, but that-- I
mean, that's only $37.50.
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Could you explain it, please?
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Well, yeah.
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See, it goes back to just after we
found out we were going to have a baby.
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So my wife I decided we needed a bigger house.
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And we looked at hundreds of them,
couldn't find anything that pleased us.
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But finally, Laura found a highly possible
one day, and we went out to look at it.
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And Jerry Helper and Millie came along for the ride.
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We almost took that house right on the spot until
a real estate man took us down to the basement.
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Laura had already seen the house earlier.
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And as she took me through, the house just seemed perfect.
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I couldn't understand her apprehension
as we approached the basement.
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MR. PARKLY: If you liked the rest of the
house, Mr. Petrie, wait till you see this.
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It's really great.
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Really knock your eye out, right, Mrs. Petrie?
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Oh, right.
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Now, I want you to turn right
and close your eyes for a minute.
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ROB: OK, all right.
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What is it?
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Keep your eyes closed, darling.
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And when you open them, you're gonna be
looking at an O'Neill and Bumpstead wet bar.
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Huh?
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An O'Neill and Wempstead bump bar.
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Honey, look at this here.
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A refrigerator, and a sink, and everything.
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Mr. Parkly, I think my husband's
ready to see the rest of the room now.
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Well, of course.
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I want you to see all our custom features-- your
built-in concealed cabinets, your thermostat.
128
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And here is your rock, and your juice boxes and
breaker switches, your three ground-level windows--
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My rock?
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That's right.
132
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And I want you to notice your acoustical ceiling.
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Wait a minute.
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I'm still noticing my rock.
135
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Oh, yes.
136
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Great conversation piece, isn't it?
137
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Well, then let's talk about it.
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Why not?
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What would you like to know?
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Well, just for starters, what's it's doing here?
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Doing here?
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Doing here?
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It's not just here, Mr. Petrie.
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It's under half of Westchester.
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Just comes up here.
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You make it sound like we're lucky.
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Honey, why didn't you tell me about that?
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Well, I wanted you to see the
house with an open mind, darling.
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Does it bother you?
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Well, I'm too stunned to know.
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Doesn't it bother you?
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Well, I'm not sure anymore.
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I think I think it's interesting.
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Give it a chance, Mr. Petrie.
156
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I bet you could do wonderful things
with it, couldn't you, little lady?
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Well, you know, it might be fun to decorate, Rob.
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I could put some plants on it.
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Just wait.
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It may grow its own.
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It does bother you, doesn't it?
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Well, I don't know, honey.
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If it was in a park or on a mountain,
but I don't want a rock in my basement.
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Why?
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It's not doing anything.
168
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Well, for one thing, I can't put a pool table down here.
169
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Oh, for heaven's sakes, there's plenty of room
over here for one of those little regulation
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pool tables, right here.
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Oh, we'll use chopsticks for cues.
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Mr. Parkly, that's beside the point.
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Nobody wants to have a rock like that in their basement.
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Why didn't they blast that out when they built the place?
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Well, we did, Mr. Petrie.
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And we got most of it.
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But if we had gone any further, we would have
interfered with the whole Appalachian fault.
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ROB: Oh, I can't believe that.
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Well, I couldn't believe it either, but why
should we jeopardize the whole of Westchester
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for one lousy house?
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It's a great house.
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Rob, it really is a good house.
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Well, honey,
I'm-- that dumb rock.
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Mr. Petrie, every house has little things.
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But that-- that's not a little thing.
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Well, it's an awful lot of house for only $27,990.
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$27,990?
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But your brochure says $25,990.
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Well, you have one of the old brochures.
193
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No, no, no.
194
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No, here you are, Mrs. Petrie.
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That's the new price right there.
196
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Now, what do you say?
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This is the last house on the track.
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Shall we close the books?
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Not at that price.
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Are you gonna let just a few dollars
stand in the way of your dream house?
202
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Well, this isn't exactly my dream house.
203
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Just love it.
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It's incredible.
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Rob, this is a great house.
206
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It's a great house.
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I'll tell you, I know we're losing great neighbors--
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what's this?
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It's a rock.
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It's a rock, isn't it, Rob?
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How'd they get it in here?
212
00:07:45,973 --> 00:07:47,742
Hey, Rob, you throwing a pilgrim party?
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[laughs] You're gonna have a lot of
laughs with that rock, Mr. Petrie.
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Another comedy writer?
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00:07:54,682 --> 00:07:57,085
No, that's a funny dentist.
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00:07:57,185 --> 00:07:59,287
Rob, what's the rock doing in your basement?
218
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Well, it's causing a few problems, mostly.
219
00:08:01,556 --> 00:08:04,892
Why don't you get a house without a rock?
220
00:08:04,992 --> 00:08:06,527
Because this is the last house, Millie.
221
00:08:06,627 --> 00:08:07,495
Well, I don't wonder.
222
00:08:07,595 --> 00:08:09,197
Who wants a rock?
223
00:08:09,297 --> 00:08:10,498
Well, Rob, you going to take it?
224
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I don't know.
225
00:08:11,699 --> 00:08:12,633
Honey?
226
00:08:12,734 --> 00:08:13,835
I don't know either.
227
00:08:13,935 --> 00:08:15,069
Now, folks, look.
228
00:08:15,169 --> 00:08:17,372
This may be the last rock-- uh, house.
229
00:08:17,472 --> 00:08:19,307
But you're not the last buyers.
230
00:08:19,407 --> 00:08:22,977
With our prospects, why, it'll be gone
before the weekend's up. - I'm sorry.
232
00:08:23,077 --> 00:08:24,245
We're gonna have to think it over.
233
00:08:24,345 --> 00:08:25,713
Because of the rock?
234
00:08:25,813 --> 00:08:28,383
Well, the rock and the price, a lot of little things.
235
00:08:28,483 --> 00:08:31,285
Well, couldn't we discuss the price?
236
00:08:31,386 --> 00:08:34,422
Between yourselves, yes.
237
00:08:34,522 --> 00:08:38,026
[laughs] Well, think it over.
238
00:08:38,126 --> 00:08:39,460
I'm going upstairs.
239
00:08:50,304 --> 00:08:54,642
Well, you could build a big box around it.
240
00:08:54,742 --> 00:08:55,910
Why?
241
00:08:56,010 --> 00:09:00,681
Well, because it's not so crazy to
have a big box in your basement.
243
00:09:00,782 --> 00:09:02,583
It's so big.
244
00:09:02,683 --> 00:09:03,651
Maybe we're too close.
245
00:09:11,692 --> 00:09:12,794
Let's get out of here.
246
00:09:15,363 --> 00:09:17,732
That rotten rock!
247
00:09:17,832 --> 00:09:21,035
But you know, Rob, it was the best house we've seen so far.
248
00:09:21,135 --> 00:09:22,970
And it was so roomy.
249
00:09:23,070 --> 00:09:24,439
Oh, honey, it wasn't that roomy.
250
00:09:24,539 --> 00:09:26,140
Millie, do you think it was that roomy?
251
00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:27,608
Well, it wasn't that roomy.
252
00:09:27,708 --> 00:09:28,643
It was roomy.
253
00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:32,814
Rob, what should we do?
254
00:09:32,914 --> 00:09:34,649
Honey, I don't know.
255
00:09:34,749 --> 00:09:38,085
I wish a wise man would walk in the door right
now and say, Rob, here's what you're gonna do.
257
00:09:38,186 --> 00:09:39,287
You want my advice?
258
00:09:39,387 --> 00:09:42,790
He said a wise man.
259
00:09:42,890 --> 00:09:44,025
You don't need a wise man.
260
00:09:44,125 --> 00:09:45,093
Listen to me.
261
00:09:45,193 --> 00:09:46,027
Now, listen.
262
00:09:46,127 --> 00:09:47,061
You want my advice?
263
00:09:47,161 --> 00:09:47,995
Leave.
264
00:09:48,095 --> 00:09:48,930
Forget this house.
265
00:09:49,030 --> 00:09:50,264
Huh?
266
00:09:50,364 --> 00:09:52,900
Look, I've been sitting here for hours
listening to the pros and the cons.
268
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,368
And the cons are way ahead.
269
00:09:54,469 --> 00:09:57,171
You know, there are a couple of
cons you haven't even mentioned yet.
271
00:09:57,271 --> 00:09:58,372
Like what?
272
00:09:58,473 --> 00:09:59,474
Good luck getting into that garage.
273
00:09:59,574 --> 00:10:00,308
That's right.
274
00:10:00,408 --> 00:10:01,776
That was very narrow, wasn't it?
275
00:10:01,876 --> 00:10:05,646
Yeah, and you're never gonna get your washing
machine and your dryer in that laundry room.
277
00:10:05,746 --> 00:10:06,747
Oh, that's true.
278
00:10:06,848 --> 00:10:09,984
And Rob, did you notice there was
only one closet in the master bedroom?
280
00:10:10,084 --> 00:10:12,954
Yeah, you're never gonna get all your clothes in there.
281
00:10:13,054 --> 00:10:14,622
Honey, let's keep looking.
282
00:10:14,722 --> 00:10:15,523
Yeah, I guess so.
283
00:10:15,623 --> 00:10:16,357
See?
284
00:10:16,457 --> 00:10:17,625
You're doing the right thing.
285
00:10:17,725 --> 00:10:21,562
You know, from my standpoint,
the biggest drawback is the location.
287
00:10:21,662 --> 00:10:23,197
What's wrong with the location?
288
00:10:23,297 --> 00:10:25,900
Well, New Rochelle is over an hour from here.
289
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:28,903
Well, Millie, that wouldn't make
any difference once we moved.
291
00:10:29,003 --> 00:10:29,837
Well, it would to me.
292
00:10:29,937 --> 00:10:31,038
We'd never see each other.
293
00:10:31,138 --> 00:10:31,939
What would happen to our friendship?
294
00:10:32,039 --> 00:10:33,508
Oh, nothing.
295
00:10:33,608 --> 00:10:35,676
Look, you and Jerry aren't gonna live in Willettown forever.
296
00:10:35,776 --> 00:10:36,811
You can move near us.
297
00:10:36,911 --> 00:10:38,045
No, no.
298
00:10:38,146 --> 00:10:41,582
Jerry says wherever his patients are,
that's where his roots are, don't you, Jer?
300
00:10:41,682 --> 00:10:42,683
Yeah.
301
00:10:42,783 --> 00:10:44,485
Well, I-- that's kind of a joke, you know?
302
00:10:44,585 --> 00:10:45,219
Yeah.
303
00:10:45,319 --> 00:10:46,921
Come on, Jerry.
304
00:10:47,021 --> 00:10:48,089
You're a great dentist.
305
00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:49,624
Your customers would go where you go.
306
00:10:49,724 --> 00:10:50,691
I would.
307
00:10:50,791 --> 00:10:52,126
Yeah, but not everybody's my best buddy.
308
00:10:52,226 --> 00:10:53,461
Well, I don't think you have to worry.
309
00:10:53,561 --> 00:10:55,263
Doesn't look like we're gonna be moving so fast.
310
00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:57,331
Honey, we are going to find a place.
311
00:10:57,431 --> 00:10:58,866
And you guys, thanks a lot.
312
00:10:58,966 --> 00:10:59,767
Oh, what for?
313
00:10:59,867 --> 00:11:01,135
For helping us.
314
00:11:01,235 --> 00:11:03,905
We'd have gone nuts trying to make a decision
about that house by ourselves. - Don't be silly.
316
00:11:04,005 --> 00:11:04,972
That's what friends are for.
317
00:11:05,072 --> 00:11:06,174
Hey, honey, we better get back.
318
00:11:06,274 --> 00:11:09,043
Mrs. Zachary's sitting, and you know
how moody she gets when we're late.
320
00:11:09,143 --> 00:11:09,977
Your mother's sitting.
321
00:11:10,077 --> 00:11:11,179
My mother?
322
00:11:11,279 --> 00:11:12,113
Well, she's worse than Mrs. Zachary.
323
00:11:12,213 --> 00:11:14,148
Come on, let's go.
324
00:11:14,248 --> 00:11:15,583
- OK, see you guys later. - Bye.
325
00:11:15,683 --> 00:11:16,317
Goodbye.
326
00:11:16,417 --> 00:11:17,585
Thanks again.
327
00:11:17,685 --> 00:11:18,753
Rob, you're making the right decision.
328
00:11:18,853 --> 00:11:19,787
See you later.
329
00:11:24,292 --> 00:11:25,826
Oh, I feel rotten.
330
00:11:25,927 --> 00:11:28,029
Well, you've been on your feet the whole day long.
331
00:11:28,129 --> 00:11:29,497
No, it's not that, Rob.
332
00:11:29,597 --> 00:11:31,899
It's just that I have a feeling we'll live here forever.
333
00:11:31,999 --> 00:11:35,102
Our baby's gonna have to sleep in a closet.
334
00:11:35,203 --> 00:11:39,140
Honey, we're gonna find
tomorrow the house that we want.
336
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:40,441
And that is guaranteed.
337
00:11:40,541 --> 00:11:42,076
You've said that about 100 times.
338
00:11:42,176 --> 00:11:43,477
Well, tomorrow, I ought to be right.
339
00:11:43,578 --> 00:11:44,312
I'm due.
340
00:11:44,412 --> 00:11:47,348
And I'm due in seven months.
341
00:11:47,448 --> 00:11:50,184
Rob, I don't want to be living here when the baby's born.
342
00:11:50,284 --> 00:11:55,756
Tomorrow, we will find the house we
want, or I will have the baby for you.
344
00:11:55,856 --> 00:11:57,758
I'll hold you to that.
345
00:11:57,858 --> 00:11:59,694
I'll find the house.
346
00:11:59,794 --> 00:12:03,731
[music playing]
347
00:12:09,737 --> 00:12:10,671
Ugh.
348
00:12:30,424 --> 00:12:33,861
What are you doing, sitting on the floor?
349
00:12:33,961 --> 00:12:35,730
I'm crying.
350
00:12:35,830 --> 00:12:36,764
Oh, honey.
351
00:12:36,864 --> 00:12:37,865
Don't do that.
352
00:12:37,965 --> 00:12:40,301
I want to.
353
00:12:40,401 --> 00:12:42,236
Rob, we're gonna live here forever.
354
00:12:42,336 --> 00:12:43,437
I just know it.
355
00:12:43,537 --> 00:12:44,905
I know it. - Honey, come on.
356
00:12:45,006 --> 00:12:45,840
Get up.
357
00:12:45,940 --> 00:12:47,041
No.
358
00:12:47,141 --> 00:12:48,042
OK.
359
00:12:51,112 --> 00:12:52,513
We're gonna find a house, honey.
360
00:12:52,613 --> 00:12:53,981
Look how close we came with the rock.
361
00:12:56,550 --> 00:12:58,352
Oh, Rob, I know I'm acting silly.
362
00:12:58,452 --> 00:13:01,822
It's just that we've been looking for so long now.
363
00:13:01,922 --> 00:13:04,659
Remember how long it took us to find this house.
364
00:13:04,759 --> 00:13:06,193
One day.
365
00:13:06,293 --> 00:13:07,862
Oh.
366
00:13:07,962 --> 00:13:10,665
Well, see, one day, we'll find another one.
367
00:13:14,535 --> 00:13:16,871
Rob, you know the Waikiki Acres?
368
00:13:16,971 --> 00:13:20,341
Maybe we ought to reconsider that house on Aloha Drive.
369
00:13:20,441 --> 00:13:21,308
What do you think?
370
00:13:21,409 --> 00:13:22,677
I don't know, honey.
371
00:13:22,777 --> 00:13:26,747
Our New England furniture in a Hawaiian
house, I'd feel like a missionary.
373
00:13:31,886 --> 00:13:35,022
Well, what was wrong with the one at Weathering Heights?
374
00:13:35,122 --> 00:13:39,960
Well, besides the name, it was too far from the school.
375
00:13:40,061 --> 00:13:41,329
Washington Heights?
376
00:13:41,429 --> 00:13:42,730
That was too close to the school.
377
00:13:42,830 --> 00:13:45,199
The kids would cut a path right across the lawn.
378
00:13:45,299 --> 00:13:46,867
Honey, don't look at them anymore.
379
00:13:46,967 --> 00:13:50,137
I'm sick of them.
380
00:13:50,237 --> 00:13:52,273
[sighs]
381
00:13:52,373 --> 00:13:54,608
How would you decorate that rock?
382
00:13:57,178 --> 00:13:58,446
Rob, you mean it?
383
00:13:58,546 --> 00:14:00,047
Well, I'm just thinking, honey.
384
00:14:00,147 --> 00:14:04,218
$27,990, spread over, say, 30, 40 years is not all that much.
385
00:14:04,318 --> 00:14:07,421
And that house is more what we wanted
than any place we've looked at.
387
00:14:07,521 --> 00:14:08,556
It is, isn't it?
388
00:14:08,656 --> 00:14:15,930
Outside the rock, and the price, and the closet,
and the narrow garage, it's almost perfect.
390
00:14:16,030 --> 00:14:16,864
That's it.
391
00:14:16,964 --> 00:14:17,631
That is it.
392
00:14:17,732 --> 00:14:18,933
Rob, are you really sure?
393
00:14:19,033 --> 00:14:20,835
Honey, it's the best house we've seen.
394
00:14:20,935 --> 00:14:22,737
Besides that, I can't have a baby.
395
00:14:24,972 --> 00:14:26,974
Oh, I love you, and I love that house, Rob.
396
00:14:27,074 --> 00:14:28,576
We're gonna be so happy there. - I know.
397
00:14:28,676 --> 00:14:29,477
You know something?
398
00:14:29,577 --> 00:14:30,478
I love that house.
399
00:14:30,578 --> 00:14:33,247
I'm glad we bought--
Hello, Mr. Parkly?
400
00:14:33,347 --> 00:14:34,315
Hi, Mr. Petrie.
401
00:14:34,415 --> 00:14:35,349
How are you?
402
00:14:35,449 --> 00:14:36,684
I was hoping to catch you in.
403
00:14:36,784 --> 00:14:40,254
Look, I think we've got some good news for you.
404
00:14:40,354 --> 00:14:42,790
Huh?
405
00:14:42,890 --> 00:14:44,358
Oh.
406
00:14:44,458 --> 00:14:47,294
Well, yeah, you said any minute.
407
00:14:47,394 --> 00:14:49,330
When?
408
00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:51,165
What?
409
00:14:51,265 --> 00:14:53,234
That sure is a coincidence.
410
00:14:53,334 --> 00:14:55,102
Thank you very much, Mr. Parkly.
411
00:14:55,202 --> 00:14:56,403
Rob, it's gone, isn't it?
412
00:14:56,504 --> 00:14:57,304
Oh, yeah.
413
00:14:57,404 --> 00:14:58,806
It's gone, all right.
414
00:14:58,906 --> 00:15:01,342
In one shot, we lost that house and our best friends.
415
00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:02,543
What?
416
00:15:02,643 --> 00:15:04,612
Millie and Jerry bought that house!
417
00:15:07,648 --> 00:15:09,817
Yeah, Millie and Jerry.
418
00:15:13,587 --> 00:15:16,423
Jerry and Millie bought our rock house?
419
00:15:16,524 --> 00:15:17,658
I can't believe it.
420
00:15:17,758 --> 00:15:19,160
Rob, are you sure?
421
00:15:19,260 --> 00:15:20,127
Maybe it was somebody else.
422
00:15:20,227 --> 00:15:21,395
Oh, no.
423
00:15:21,495 --> 00:15:23,063
It was nobody else but our dear friends.
424
00:15:23,164 --> 00:15:24,298
Well, I can't believe it.
425
00:15:24,398 --> 00:15:25,699
How could they do that?
426
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:27,568
They don't even like that house.
427
00:15:27,668 --> 00:15:29,470
They practically talked us out of it.
428
00:15:29,570 --> 00:15:31,772
They didn't even want to move.
429
00:15:31,872 --> 00:15:33,107
Well, there's got to be some mistake.
430
00:15:33,207 --> 00:15:35,142
There's no mistake. They bought the house.
431
00:15:35,242 --> 00:15:36,076
But how could they?
432
00:15:36,177 --> 00:15:37,144
Our best friends.
433
00:15:37,244 --> 00:15:38,345
I don't know.
434
00:15:38,445 --> 00:15:41,649
Maybe they bought it for our
wedding anniversary or something.
436
00:15:41,749 --> 00:15:43,951
Rob, I hate what I'm thinking.
437
00:15:44,051 --> 00:15:45,352
What are you thinking?
438
00:15:45,452 --> 00:15:46,921
They did it on purpose.
439
00:15:47,021 --> 00:15:50,691
Rob, they sat in this very kitchen and talked
about the small laundry room, no closet
441
00:15:50,791 --> 00:15:51,926
space, the skinny garage.
442
00:15:52,026 --> 00:15:53,861
It was just to throw us off the track.
443
00:15:53,961 --> 00:15:54,595
Oh, honey.
444
00:15:54,695 --> 00:15:55,596
No, that's insane.
445
00:15:55,696 --> 00:15:56,897
You're misjudging them.
446
00:15:56,997 --> 00:15:59,366
You're condemning them with no trial, honey.
447
00:15:59,466 --> 00:16:01,335
You're-- you're right.
448
00:16:01,435 --> 00:16:03,771
You're right!
449
00:16:03,871 --> 00:16:06,106
But why would they do such a thing?
450
00:16:06,207 --> 00:16:07,274
Because they wouldn't, honey.
451
00:16:07,374 --> 00:16:08,409
You're wrong.
452
00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:09,443
You're right.
453
00:16:09,543 --> 00:16:10,611
You're right, absolutely right.
454
00:16:10,711 --> 00:16:14,381
They couldn't possibly do what we are accusing
them of, knowing they'd have to face us later.
456
00:16:14,481 --> 00:16:15,282
That's right.
457
00:16:15,382 --> 00:16:16,951
But why? What?
458
00:16:17,051 --> 00:16:17,785
Why?
459
00:16:17,885 --> 00:16:19,353
Hey, hey, kids. Guess what.
460
00:16:19,453 --> 00:16:20,421
Jerry, why?
461
00:16:20,521 --> 00:16:21,589
Millie, why?
462
00:16:21,689 --> 00:16:22,890
I don't know.
463
00:16:22,990 --> 00:16:24,491
Maybe he just thinks it'd be fun to guess.
464
00:16:24,592 --> 00:16:25,960
You, uh-- you bought a house?
465
00:16:26,060 --> 00:16:26,961
How'd you guess?
466
00:16:27,061 --> 00:16:28,429
Yeah, we just put down the deposit.
467
00:16:28,529 --> 00:16:29,964
Guess which house we bought.
468
00:16:30,064 --> 00:16:30,798
Go on, guess.
469
00:16:30,898 --> 00:16:32,166
The house with the rock?
470
00:16:32,266 --> 00:16:34,101
You guessed again. Hey, they're terrific.
471
00:16:34,201 --> 00:16:35,135
Yeah. Hey, listen.
472
00:16:35,236 --> 00:16:38,005
The way we knocked that house last
night, you two must think we're crazy.
474
00:16:38,105 --> 00:16:38,839
No, no, Jerry.
475
00:16:38,939 --> 00:16:40,107
That's not what we think at all.
476
00:16:40,207 --> 00:16:41,508
Isn't it incredible?
477
00:16:41,609 --> 00:16:44,044
You were the ones that were looking
for a house, and we wind up moving.
479
00:16:44,144 --> 00:16:45,112
Isn't it incredible?
480
00:16:45,212 --> 00:16:46,547
It certainly is.
481
00:16:46,647 --> 00:16:50,517
Jerry, what-- what changed your mind so suddenly?
482
00:16:50,618 --> 00:16:51,685
The house.
483
00:16:51,785 --> 00:16:55,022
You know, I just woke up this morning, and
I realized what a great house it really is.
485
00:16:55,122 --> 00:16:56,357
That's right.
486
00:16:56,457 --> 00:16:58,392
The first thing he said today was, let's buy that house.
487
00:16:58,492 --> 00:16:59,526
And I said, what house?
488
00:16:59,627 --> 00:17:00,828
And he said, Rob and Laura's house.
489
00:17:00,928 --> 00:17:02,329
And then I-- - Oh, you did?
490
00:17:02,429 --> 00:17:03,564
You called it our house, huh?
491
00:17:03,664 --> 00:17:04,698
You bet we did.
492
00:17:04,798 --> 00:17:06,433
I mean, after all, you found it.
493
00:17:06,533 --> 00:17:07,801
But the finding it doesn't make it ours.
494
00:17:07,902 --> 00:17:09,336
That's what you're trying to say, isn't it?
495
00:17:09,436 --> 00:17:10,738
No, I didn't say that at all.
496
00:17:10,838 --> 00:17:12,072
I said it was your house, but you didn't want it.
497
00:17:12,172 --> 00:17:15,142
We didn't want it, Jerry,
because you talked us out of it.
499
00:17:15,242 --> 00:17:16,543
After you didn't want it.
500
00:17:16,644 --> 00:17:18,045
Jerry, that's ridiculous.
501
00:17:18,145 --> 00:17:20,381
How could you talk us out of something we didn't want?
502
00:17:20,481 --> 00:17:21,916
Well, to make you feel better.
503
00:17:22,016 --> 00:17:23,684
If you'd wanted it, we wouldn't have talked you out of it.
504
00:17:23,784 --> 00:17:26,053
I mean, we don't go around talking
people out of things they want.
506
00:17:26,153 --> 00:17:27,755
Yeah, we couldn't do a thing like that.
507
00:17:27,855 --> 00:17:28,689
You didn't want it.
508
00:17:28,789 --> 00:17:29,823
It was perfect for us.
509
00:17:29,924 --> 00:17:31,659
Oh, perfect, Millie?
510
00:17:31,759 --> 00:17:35,763
What about the small laundry room that
wouldn't take my washer and dryer?
512
00:17:35,863 --> 00:17:39,767
Well, it is small, but I got a combination unit.
513
00:17:39,867 --> 00:17:41,235
What about the small closets?
514
00:17:41,335 --> 00:17:43,170
Well, Millie doesn't have as many clothes as Laura.
515
00:17:43,270 --> 00:17:44,138
Yeah.
516
00:17:44,238 --> 00:17:45,839
OK, what about the rock?
517
00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:48,042
Well, Jerry doesn't want a pool table down there.
518
00:17:48,142 --> 00:17:51,745
Hey, Millie, Millie, they are mad at us.
519
00:17:51,845 --> 00:17:52,980
Are you two mad?
520
00:17:55,916 --> 00:17:58,652
Jerry, you bought that house right out from under us.
521
00:17:58,752 --> 00:17:59,587
We didn't.
522
00:17:59,687 --> 00:18:00,621
Out from under you?
523
00:18:00,721 --> 00:18:02,156
Rob, you didn't want that house.
524
00:18:02,256 --> 00:18:06,360
Even if we didn't want it, you should have had the
decency to come and check with us before you took it.
527
00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:07,628
But we did.
528
00:18:07,728 --> 00:18:08,595
We tried to call you before we left you.
529
00:18:08,696 --> 00:18:09,563
Yeah, you were out.
530
00:18:09,663 --> 00:18:10,564
That's right, Millie.
531
00:18:10,664 --> 00:18:11,832
We were looking for a house.
532
00:18:11,932 --> 00:18:13,968
But Rob, we had to move, you see?
533
00:18:14,068 --> 00:18:15,469
Parkly had another guy on the hook.
534
00:18:15,569 --> 00:18:16,737
We had to move fast.
535
00:18:16,837 --> 00:18:18,238
Well, you sure did.
536
00:18:18,339 --> 00:18:22,343
Well, the only reason we're moving
in the first place is because of you.
538
00:18:22,443 --> 00:18:23,277
Because of us?
539
00:18:23,377 --> 00:18:24,812
Sure.
540
00:18:24,912 --> 00:18:27,348
After what you said last night, I realized
that I can open up a new practice anywhere.
542
00:18:27,448 --> 00:18:28,649
Yeah.
543
00:18:28,749 --> 00:18:32,386
Since you were looking in that area
anyway, we just wanted to be near you.
545
00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:41,395
You know, Rob, it's true.
546
00:18:41,495 --> 00:18:44,365
We did say we didn't want the house.
547
00:18:44,465 --> 00:18:50,404
Laura, after all these years, how you could think
that I would do anything to jeopardize our--
549
00:18:50,504 --> 00:18:52,172
SALLY: Millie, Millie, I'm sorry.
550
00:18:52,272 --> 00:18:53,674
I feel pretty stupid.
551
00:18:53,774 --> 00:18:56,343
Believe me, we didn't know you wanted the house.
552
00:18:56,443 --> 00:18:57,578
Oh, I know it, Jerry.
553
00:18:57,678 --> 00:18:59,146
I'm sorry.
554
00:18:59,246 --> 00:19:00,714
We were so disappointed, we were ready to think the worst.
555
00:19:00,814 --> 00:19:02,249
I apologize.
556
00:19:02,349 --> 00:19:04,218
I'll tell you, Rob, if you want the house, it's yours.
557
00:19:04,318 --> 00:19:05,119
Don't be silly.
558
00:19:05,219 --> 00:19:05,886
Take the house.
559
00:19:05,986 --> 00:19:06,854
We'll find another house.
560
00:19:06,954 --> 00:19:08,389
No, fair is fair.
561
00:19:08,489 --> 00:19:09,356
You saw it first.
562
00:19:09,456 --> 00:19:10,491
You got every right to it.
563
00:19:10,591 --> 00:19:11,525
No, we don't.
564
00:19:11,625 --> 00:19:12,693
Look, you knew what you wanted.
565
00:19:12,793 --> 00:19:13,927
We didn't.
566
00:19:14,028 --> 00:19:15,262
It's our own fault. You got the house.
567
00:19:15,362 --> 00:19:18,432
I'll tell you, after all this,
I don't think I could live in it anymore.
569
00:19:18,532 --> 00:19:21,568
Oh, look,
I'm-- I'm not gonna take it.
570
00:19:21,668 --> 00:19:23,771
Well, then nobody take it.
571
00:19:23,871 --> 00:19:24,671
No, Millie.
572
00:19:24,772 --> 00:19:25,606
It's too late now.
573
00:19:25,706 --> 00:19:26,907
You've already got it.
574
00:19:27,007 --> 00:19:28,776
Well, we'll give it back.
575
00:19:28,876 --> 00:19:30,411
Hey, she's right.
576
00:19:30,511 --> 00:19:31,445
I mean it.
577
00:19:31,545 --> 00:19:32,379
We drop the whole thing.
578
00:19:32,479 --> 00:19:33,647
Nobody take the house.
579
00:19:33,747 --> 00:19:37,251
What's more important,
sticks and stones or a real friendship?
581
00:19:37,351 --> 00:19:38,919
That's right.
582
00:19:39,019 --> 00:19:39,820
MILLIE: Come on, Jerry.
583
00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:42,656
Join in the friendship.
584
00:19:42,756 --> 00:19:45,092
I put down a $200 deposit.
585
00:19:45,192 --> 00:19:46,293
Well, so?
586
00:19:46,393 --> 00:19:49,029
Well, whose half of the friendship is the deposit?
587
00:19:49,129 --> 00:19:53,634
Oh, Jerry, that's no problem.
588
00:19:53,734 --> 00:19:55,202
Don't worry about it.
589
00:19:55,302 --> 00:19:58,205
Listen, Rob and I will be glad to split
the loss with you, won't we, darling?
591
00:20:01,408 --> 00:20:02,976
Won't we, darling?
592
00:20:03,077 --> 00:20:05,746
Hey, why don't we call up and
see if we can get the money back?
594
00:20:05,846 --> 00:20:06,747
Go on, call up Parkly and tell him.
595
00:20:06,847 --> 00:20:07,815
Oh, I can't.
596
00:20:07,915 --> 00:20:09,183
He wouldn't give it back, Rob.
597
00:20:09,283 --> 00:20:11,785
Look, if he gets a little unreasonable,
you just stop payment on the check.
599
00:20:11,885 --> 00:20:12,719
That's all.
600
00:20:12,820 --> 00:20:13,987
I couldn't do that.
601
00:20:14,088 --> 00:20:15,355
Well, it's a little unethical, I guess.
602
00:20:15,456 --> 00:20:18,692
Well, I don't mind that, but I gave him cash.
603
00:20:18,792 --> 00:20:20,260
Why did you give him cash?
604
00:20:20,360 --> 00:20:21,261
Because he's stupid.
605
00:20:21,361 --> 00:20:22,396
That's why. Go on.
606
00:20:22,496 --> 00:20:23,297
Call him.
607
00:20:23,397 --> 00:20:24,431
It won't hurt to try.
608
00:20:24,531 --> 00:20:26,100
You know, for once in your life, you're right.
609
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:27,034
Yes, sir.
610
00:20:27,134 --> 00:20:28,969
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
611
00:20:29,069 --> 00:20:31,171
The worst he can do is hang up on you.
612
00:20:31,271 --> 00:20:34,575
The worst he can do is keep the money.
613
00:20:34,675 --> 00:20:36,910
Mr. Parkly, this is Dr. Helper here.
614
00:20:37,010 --> 00:20:42,549
Say, about that house--
oh, yeah, just a minute.
616
00:20:42,649 --> 00:20:43,951
He wants your phone number.
617
00:20:44,051 --> 00:20:45,385
I wonder why he wants my number.
618
00:20:45,486 --> 00:20:46,720
Just a minute.
619
00:20:46,820 --> 00:20:49,456
Mr. Parkly, why do you want his phone number?
620
00:20:49,556 --> 00:20:50,491
Well, just a minute.
621
00:20:50,591 --> 00:20:53,794
Yeah, he wants to call you.
622
00:20:53,894 --> 00:20:55,062
Should I give it to him?
623
00:20:55,162 --> 00:20:56,530
No, I'll talk to him now.
624
00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:57,698
Oh yeah. Oh, just a minute.
625
00:20:57,798 --> 00:20:58,632
He's right here.
626
00:20:58,732 --> 00:20:59,533
Yeah, here.
627
00:20:59,633 --> 00:21:00,501
You can talk to him.
628
00:21:00,601 --> 00:21:02,336
Hi, Mr. Parkly.
629
00:21:02,436 --> 00:21:03,303
Yeah.
630
00:21:03,403 --> 00:21:04,404
What?
631
00:21:04,505 --> 00:21:05,339
Oh, hey.
632
00:21:05,439 --> 00:21:06,373
Hold it.
633
00:21:06,473 --> 00:21:07,875
He says that model house is available.
634
00:21:07,975 --> 00:21:09,543
Yeah, I thought the model was sold.
635
00:21:09,643 --> 00:21:10,844
Yeah.
636
00:21:10,944 --> 00:21:12,880
Mr. Parkly, we thought that model was sold.
637
00:21:12,980 --> 00:21:14,548
Oh, that's terrible.
638
00:21:14,648 --> 00:21:15,783
What's terrible?
639
00:21:15,883 --> 00:21:16,717
Somebody stopped payment on a check.
640
00:21:16,817 --> 00:21:17,951
That's not terrible.
641
00:21:20,587 --> 00:21:23,457
Mr. Parkly, how much is it?
642
00:21:23,557 --> 00:21:25,359
What does it look like?
643
00:21:25,459 --> 00:21:27,261
Does it have a rock?
644
00:21:27,361 --> 00:21:28,562
OK, just a second.
645
00:21:28,662 --> 00:21:30,664
Look, it's the same as ours exactly, except reversed.
646
00:21:30,764 --> 00:21:33,767
It doesn't have a rock, and it's $200 cheaper for wear and tear.
647
00:21:33,867 --> 00:21:35,502
Rob, ask him if it has a surface porch.
648
00:21:35,602 --> 00:21:36,703
Does it have a service porch?
649
00:21:36,803 --> 00:21:37,704
Are the colors the same?
650
00:21:37,804 --> 00:21:40,207
Are the colors the same?
651
00:21:40,307 --> 00:21:41,708
Yes and no. - Yes to whom?
652
00:21:41,809 --> 00:21:43,143
- Yes to you. - What to me?
653
00:21:43,243 --> 00:21:43,877
No.
654
00:21:43,977 --> 00:21:45,145
I forgot what I asked.
655
00:21:45,245 --> 00:21:46,079
The colors.
656
00:21:46,180 --> 00:21:47,481
Oh yeah. Are the colors the same?
657
00:21:47,581 --> 00:21:48,916
No. MILLIE: How do you know?
658
00:21:49,016 --> 00:21:50,150
He just told you.
659
00:21:52,386 --> 00:21:54,755
Ah, the basement is a panel in knotty pine.
660
00:21:54,855 --> 00:21:56,356
And they're gonna leave the sling chairs.
661
00:21:56,456 --> 00:21:57,491
Oh.
662
00:21:57,591 --> 00:21:58,959
Ask him how many closets in the master bedroom.
663
00:21:59,059 --> 00:22:00,160
Yeah, any storage closets in the basement?
664
00:22:00,260 --> 00:22:02,129
OK, how many closets in the master?
665
00:22:02,229 --> 00:22:03,931
Are there any storage closet in the basement?
666
00:22:04,031 --> 00:22:05,299
How many baths?
667
00:22:05,399 --> 00:22:06,200
None.
668
00:22:06,300 --> 00:22:07,834
No baths?
669
00:22:07,935 --> 00:22:09,069
No storage closet.
670
00:22:09,169 --> 00:22:10,604
I didn't ask him yours yet.
671
00:22:10,704 --> 00:22:12,439
How many bathrooms?
672
00:22:12,539 --> 00:22:13,407
OK, one walk-in.
673
00:22:13,507 --> 00:22:14,107
What is that?
674
00:22:14,208 --> 00:22:15,576
Closets in the bedroom.
675
00:22:15,676 --> 00:22:16,710
Wait your turn. - Yeah.
676
00:22:16,810 --> 00:22:18,178
With one bathroom, you'd have to.
677
00:22:18,278 --> 00:22:19,613
Yeah.
678
00:22:19,713 --> 00:22:20,781
ROB: Two and a half baths.
679
00:22:20,881 --> 00:22:23,283
[interposing voices]
680
00:22:23,851 --> 00:22:24,685
Just a second.
681
00:22:24,785 --> 00:22:25,819
One at a time now.
682
00:22:25,919 --> 00:22:26,887
How big is the plot?
683
00:22:26,987 --> 00:22:27,854
Are there trees in the backyard?
684
00:22:27,955 --> 00:22:28,855
Fireplace and the vanity.
685
00:22:28,956 --> 00:22:30,023
OK, look.
686
00:22:30,123 --> 00:22:31,291
Is there a one- or two-car garage?
687
00:22:31,391 --> 00:22:32,593
- Who asked that question? - Me.
688
00:22:32,693 --> 00:22:34,294
I got a right to ask something too.
689
00:22:36,830 --> 00:22:37,731
One-car garage.
690
00:22:37,831 --> 00:22:38,632
That's all.
691
00:22:38,732 --> 00:22:41,535
[interposing voices]
692
00:22:45,672 --> 00:22:47,007
Hey, Rob, what'd you do?
693
00:22:47,107 --> 00:22:49,076
We haven't finished with our questions.
694
00:22:49,176 --> 00:22:50,377
I took both houses.
695
00:22:50,477 --> 00:22:51,778
What?
696
00:22:51,879 --> 00:22:54,448
Look, no matter what he said,
we'd want both of those houses, right?
698
00:22:54,548 --> 00:22:57,417
If there was no fireplace, no trees,
and it was surrounded by a pig farm.
700
00:22:57,517 --> 00:22:58,485
Right.
701
00:22:58,585 --> 00:22:59,686
- Right, Rob. - Let's go close the deal.
702
00:22:59,786 --> 00:23:00,854
Yeah, let's do it.
703
00:23:00,954 --> 00:23:01,788
I don't know about the pig farm.
704
00:23:01,889 --> 00:23:03,156
There's no pig farm.
705
00:23:03,257 --> 00:23:04,891
No, the pigs are a symbol of our friendship.
706
00:23:04,992 --> 00:23:05,826
Yeah.
707
00:23:05,926 --> 00:23:07,127
Ooh, listen.
708
00:23:07,227 --> 00:23:08,462
Who's gonna take which house?
709
00:23:08,562 --> 00:23:12,132
If we decide that now, we have nothing
to argue with on the way up there.
711
00:23:12,232 --> 00:23:14,368
I still don't understand about the pigs.
712
00:23:18,672 --> 00:23:20,474
Mr. Petrie, I'm fascinated.
713
00:23:20,574 --> 00:23:22,976
How do you decide who gets which house?
714
00:23:23,076 --> 00:23:26,546
Well, since we originally found that house,
and we had decided to take it, Jerry decided
716
00:23:26,647 --> 00:23:28,515
to let me have a choice.
717
00:23:28,615 --> 00:23:29,816
Which house did you take?
718
00:23:29,917 --> 00:23:31,585
Well, you see, the model was $200 cheaper.
719
00:23:31,685 --> 00:23:33,720
So I thought this Jerry gave me the choice.
720
00:23:33,820 --> 00:23:36,256
I ought to be a big man and let him have the bargain.
721
00:23:36,356 --> 00:23:38,659
And you wound up with a more expensive house and that rock?
722
00:23:38,759 --> 00:23:39,960
ROB: Yeah.
723
00:23:40,060 --> 00:23:41,028
He should be paying you to be his friend.
724
00:23:41,128 --> 00:23:42,329
He thought I cheated him.
725
00:23:42,429 --> 00:23:43,930
Now, why would he think that?
726
00:23:44,031 --> 00:23:47,234
Well, because I end it up with a
beautiful house with a rock in a basement.
728
00:23:47,334 --> 00:23:50,404
And he ended up in a house with a
basement full of water from my rock.
730
00:23:50,504 --> 00:23:51,471
From your rock?
731
00:23:51,571 --> 00:23:52,606
Yeah.
732
00:23:52,706 --> 00:23:55,842
That rock was not only a conversation piece,
it turned out to be a natural drain pipe.
734
00:23:55,942 --> 00:24:03,884
The first really heavy rain we had, that water
went down that rock, right into Jerry's basement.
736
00:24:03,984 --> 00:24:05,652
But that's a builder's problem, Mr. Petrie.
737
00:24:05,752 --> 00:24:08,021
If we ever find him, we're gonna make him correct it.
738
00:24:10,624 --> 00:24:16,463
I hate to ask you this, but what is the $37.50 for?
739
00:24:16,563 --> 00:24:17,864
All right.
740
00:24:17,965 --> 00:24:20,067
You see, I felt badly about it that this thing was happening.
741
00:24:20,167 --> 00:24:24,538
And we finally found out that all he had to do was
tar the outside of the foundation of his house
743
00:24:24,638 --> 00:24:26,640
once a year, and the water couldn't get in.
744
00:24:26,740 --> 00:24:29,776
And it came to $75.
745
00:24:29,876 --> 00:24:30,811
Of which you pay him half.
746
00:24:30,911 --> 00:24:32,446
That's right.
747
00:24:32,546 --> 00:24:34,548
That's $300.
748
00:24:34,648 --> 00:24:35,849
$300?
749
00:24:35,949 --> 00:24:37,351
That's a lot of money.
750
00:24:37,451 --> 00:24:38,318
I'll say it is.
751
00:24:38,418 --> 00:24:41,021
I ought to be able to get a
better friend than Jerry for $300.
753
00:24:41,121 --> 00:24:45,325
[music playing]
754
00:24:50,697 --> 00:24:56,069
[theme music]
48213
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