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[theme music]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey
Amsterdam, Larry Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Rich, I've got a sneaking suspicion these are
going to be the most gorgeous sunny-side-uppers
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ever made by a father.
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Whether to eat them or have them preserved in plastic.
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Oh, those are pretty.
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OK, the last operation.
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Ah-ah, a little sticky.
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There you go.
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Look at that.
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Two absolutely perfect, unbroken yolks.
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Rich-- ooh!
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You made me break my yolks.
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I'm sorry.
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But look, you had to break them eventually, right?
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You'll never understand, will you?
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Come on, Rich.
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You're gonna be late for school.
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Darling, have you heard a weather report?
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No, I was trying to make perfect eggs.
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Well, see if you can get one on the radio, will you?
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I never know how to have a dress Ritchie for school.
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RITCHIE: I don't want to wear a goofy raincoat.
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REPORTER (ON RADIO): On the West Side Highway,
traffic is backed up on the southbound lane.
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Please use alternate routes.
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The Grand Concourse and East River
Drive are also heavily congested.
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Those are the alternate routes.
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Gonna be one of those days.
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Broken yolks, no alternate routes.
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What's gonna be next?
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WOMAN (SINGING ON RADIO): It's time for the weather.
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Nighttime, daytime, summertime, wintertime,
it's always time for the weather.
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Weather, weather, weather, weather, weather,
weather, weather, weather, weather, weather,
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weather, weather, weather, weather, weather, weather.
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Nighttime, daytime, summertime, wintertime.
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Weather, weather, weather, weather, weather, weather,
weather-- ROB: It's time for the weather, I think.
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Oh. Well, thanks, darling.
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I don't need it.
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I just looked out the window, and it's raining.
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- Mm-hmm. - Bye.
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Bye.
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I hate to wear a stupid raincoat.
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REPORTER (ON RADIO): The forecast for the
metropolitan area today is warm and cloudy.
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Wise guy.
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Look out the window.
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REPORTER (ON RADIO): And now back to
music over WIFE, wife, the radio station
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most people are married to.
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I'd like to have a divorce.
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REPORTER (ON RADIO): Here's a little tune that just came out.
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Could be a real big one.
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It's the Dum-Dums singing "Bupkis."
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"Bupkis"?
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DUM-DUMS (ON RADIO): (SINGING) You took my arm, a
golden charm, a diamond mine, a love so fine, yeah.
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But what did I get from you?
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Bupkis!
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What did I get from you?
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Bupkis!
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Bupkis is a lot of nothing, and that's what I got from you.
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Bupkis is a lot of nothing, and that's what I got from you.
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Yeah, "Bupkis."
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Right.
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Hello?
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Hi.
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Listen, can I speak
to you disk jockey.. is this disk jockey?
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Good, because I want to speak to your disk jockey.
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Yes, the morning man.
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DUM-DUMS (ON RADIO): (SINGING) Bupkis!
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Bupkis.
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Hello.
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Hi.
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I just want to ask about that song you're playing.
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Yeah, that's "Bupkis," right?
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Can you tell me what the name is on the label?
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Well, yeah, I know it's "Bupkis."
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I mean, who wrote it?
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Buzzy Potter?
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Right, who else?
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Nobody?
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Just Buzzy Potter?
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You're sure?
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Yeah, thank you very much.
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Oh, yeah, it's a cute tune.
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I thought it was cute when I wrote it.
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Hi, Rob.
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ROB: Hi.
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Aren't you gonna hold the door open for me, gentleman Jim?
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I let you carry the coffee.
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What do you want?
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Hi, Rob. Here's your coffee.
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Hi, Sal.
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Thank you. - There.
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What you got there?
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Oh, all the music business trade papers.
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Boy, I haven't looked at those since "Yuk-a-Puk"
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slipped out of the top 50.
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"Yuk-a-Puk" didn't slip.
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It was pushed.
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Hey, which one of these magazines is the
best indicator of the popularity of a song?
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Ah, they're all about the same.
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Alan isn't gonna do another one of those
satires on rock and roll, is he? I hate them.
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I love them.
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They're funny.
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There it is, "Bupkis" by the Dum-Dums.
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- That's not funny. - Yeah.
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Well, just look in the new release list there.
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Hey, let me see.
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Here.
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"Bupkis."
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Hey, that's a real song.
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"Bupkis" is a Yiddish word meaning "nothing."
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Yeah, I know.
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I wrote that.
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You wrote "Bupkis"?
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Yeah.
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I learned a lot of good words when I
was in the Army from Saul Pomerantz--
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"bupkis" and "shlemiel," "farblonjet," and "tzimmes."
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Hey, your name isn't here.
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It says by Buzzy Potter.
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You don't think any guy who wrote a song called "Bupkis"
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recorded by the Dum-Dums is
gonna use his real name, do you?
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It just so happens I wrote that song with Buzzy Potter.
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Oh, and they left your name out?
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No, he left it out.
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Oh, Potter's a crook?
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No, Petrie's a jerk.
127
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Well, what'd you do this time?
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Well-- what do you mean this time?
129
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Want me to list it alphabetically?
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First time you said you were a jerk, you broke
your tooth biting into a soft chicken sandwich.
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And then another time, you were hypnotized, and every
time a bell rang, you acted like you were drunk.
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How about the time he landed in the hospital
after he wrestled with a stuffed monkey?
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What about when I left my
script at Grand Central Station?
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BUDDY: Oh-ho!
And remember the time-- That's enough.
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I think we've proven what I am.
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You guys remember Buzzy Potter?
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Yeah, I remember Buzzy Potter.
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Yeah?
139
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Yeah, he's the guy who wrote "Bupkis." you just told me.
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SALLY: Come on.
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No, I don't think you guys ever met him.
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He was a guy I wrote songs with in the Army.
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A couple of months ago, he started
calling me on the phone, bothering me.
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I finally ask him to come up here.
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And we sat around talking about the good old days.
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Uh, Corporal Bloom and Lieutenant Plahokiss.
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That's it. - That's right.
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You remember the entire company.
149
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Yeah, all 120 of them.
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Those were the good old days.
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And you forgot one guy, the drummer.
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What was his name?
153
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He had a crazy name.
154
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I don't remember any drummer.
155
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So it was Six-- Sticks Rangoon?
156
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Oh yeah, that's it. Listen,
do you remember-- No, that's not his name.
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Not Rang-- how come you remember everybody,
but you don't remember the drummer?
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Who, drummers?
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With all that noise they make, who can remember their names?
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I do remember the first song you and I wrote together.
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Do you?
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No.
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(SINGING) Sergeant Foley is the
guy in charge of our platoon.
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He bears a great resemblance to an anthropoid baboon.
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Sergeant Foley, roly-poly Sergeant
Foley, the anthropoid baboon.
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You know, I got two weeks in KP for doing that.
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How come you didn't?
168
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Well, that's the breaks.
169
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Music business is a crazy business.
170
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Remember this from the revue we wrote?
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Oh, "It's a Funny War."
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Yeah.
173
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Oh, that's great.
174
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I remember that.
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Let's see.
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(SINGING) I'm in love, I'm in love with Attila the Hun.
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Atilla the Hun, Atilla the Hun.
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We'll pillage a village and kill everyone.
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I still love Atilla the Hun.
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That was a great song.
181
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Hey, listen to this.
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(SINGING) She was the only girl I ever
really loved, the only love I've ever known.
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But why, oh why, did she stand
in front of the guns of Navarone?
184
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Yeah, yeah, I remember that.
185
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No, I just wrote that.
186
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It's on the Alan Brady show next week.
187
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I thought I wrote it.
188
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Well, it just goes to prove to you,
you still write the best lyrics, Rob.
189
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Not really, Buzzy.
190
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Oh, yes you do.
191
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Since I got out of the Army,
I tried writing lyrics with 20 other guys.
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And not one of them had that Rob Petrie touch.
193
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Oh, you're real talented.
194
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But I got to admit, when I think of how lucky
you've been, I get a little jealous in here.
195
00:08:06,762 --> 00:08:09,723
Oh, well, well, I guess I've done OK.
196
00:08:09,765 --> 00:08:10,724
OK?
197
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You're writing a top TV show,
and I'm still trying to peddle songs.
198
00:08:13,644 --> 00:08:15,938
Well, you know, Buzzy, you're gonna hit it someday.
199
00:08:15,979 --> 00:08:18,899
Well, I could, you know, if I had your help.
200
00:08:18,899 --> 00:08:20,734
Look, Buzz-- Now, look.
201
00:08:20,776 --> 00:08:22,653
We got over 12 great tunes in here.
202
00:08:22,653 --> 00:08:24,196
With a little work, they could all be hits.
203
00:08:24,196 --> 00:08:25,239
Oh, Buzz.
204
00:08:25,239 --> 00:08:26,240
You know the odds against that.
205
00:08:26,281 --> 00:08:27,408
Besides, I've got a job here.
206
00:08:27,408 --> 00:08:28,325
I haven't got the time.
207
00:08:28,325 --> 00:08:29,910
That's why I'm here, Rob.
208
00:08:29,952 --> 00:08:31,120
Give up this job.
209
00:08:31,161 --> 00:08:32,079
What?
210
00:08:32,079 --> 00:08:33,539
Give up this job!
211
00:08:33,539 --> 00:08:36,458
Look, we'll push the old tunes, and we'll sell new ones.
212
00:08:36,500 --> 00:08:38,919
Oh, look, Buzz-- Come on.
213
00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:40,421
It'll be like the good old days in the Army.
214
00:08:40,462 --> 00:08:42,923
Well, to me, those days weren't all that good.
215
00:08:42,965 --> 00:08:44,091
Now, look here.
216
00:08:44,133 --> 00:08:47,594
We could work a few evenings a week!
217
00:08:47,594 --> 00:08:48,971
I like to go home after work.
218
00:08:49,012 --> 00:08:49,930
Oh, yeah.
219
00:08:49,930 --> 00:08:51,473
Sure, Rob.
220
00:08:51,515 --> 00:08:54,601
You got the job, and the home, and the wife, and the kids.
221
00:08:54,643 --> 00:08:57,229
And I got nothing and nobody.
222
00:08:57,229 --> 00:08:58,355
I'm sorry, Buzz.
223
00:08:58,355 --> 00:08:59,648
Well, being sorry doesn't help.
224
00:08:59,690 --> 00:09:03,235
I'm willing to give up everything
I have to push these tunes.
225
00:09:03,235 --> 00:09:05,404
And you're not willing to give up a thing.
226
00:09:05,404 --> 00:09:06,655
I can't give up my job, Buzz.
227
00:09:06,697 --> 00:09:08,031
What do you want me to give up?
228
00:09:08,031 --> 00:09:09,116
I don't know, Rob.
229
00:09:09,158 --> 00:09:12,119
That's your problem.
230
00:09:12,161 --> 00:09:14,621
Buzz, can I lend you some money?
231
00:09:14,663 --> 00:09:16,498
Oh, Rob.
232
00:09:16,540 --> 00:09:19,376
The only other thing to give up are the tunes.
233
00:09:19,376 --> 00:09:20,502
- Outright? - What?
234
00:09:20,544 --> 00:09:21,462
What do you mean, outright?
235
00:09:21,462 --> 00:09:23,255
I mean, mine, 100%.
236
00:09:23,255 --> 00:09:24,173
Well, OK.
237
00:09:24,214 --> 00:09:25,674
Well, OK, Rob.
238
00:09:25,716 --> 00:09:27,718
If that's way you feel about it, we'll do it your way.
239
00:09:27,718 --> 00:09:31,346
Well, Buzz, I hope you find one song in
there that'll make you a couple of bucks.
240
00:09:31,388 --> 00:09:32,806
Which one?
241
00:09:32,848 --> 00:09:33,974
- Any one. - Oh.
242
00:09:34,016 --> 00:09:34,892
Well, OK, Rob.
243
00:09:34,892 --> 00:09:35,726
Fine.
244
00:09:35,726 --> 00:09:36,852
Let's do this again sometime.
245
00:09:36,894 --> 00:09:38,103
(SINGING) I'm in love.
246
00:09:38,103 --> 00:09:40,731
I'm in love with Attila the Hun.
247
00:09:45,402 --> 00:09:48,072
So you gave him the whole trunk full of songs?
248
00:09:48,072 --> 00:09:49,156
What else could I do?
249
00:09:49,156 --> 00:09:50,324
Anything but that.
250
00:09:50,324 --> 00:09:52,076
Boy, that was really stupid.
251
00:09:52,076 --> 00:09:53,202
You think so too, Sal?
252
00:09:53,243 --> 00:09:55,120
No, not at the time you did it.
253
00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:56,872
It was stupid at the time too.
254
00:09:56,914 --> 00:09:57,831
Get a lawyer.
255
00:09:57,831 --> 00:09:59,166
Hey, my cousin Irving's a lawyer.
256
00:09:59,166 --> 00:10:00,042
Why do we need a lawyer?
257
00:10:00,084 --> 00:10:01,251
To sue Buzzy.
258
00:10:01,251 --> 00:10:02,336
He stole half your songs, didn't he?
259
00:10:02,336 --> 00:10:03,629
Oh, didn't you hear?
260
00:10:03,629 --> 00:10:05,339
Mr. Nifty gave it to him.
261
00:10:05,339 --> 00:10:06,548
In writing?
262
00:10:06,590 --> 00:10:07,841
Well, it doesn't make any difference.
263
00:10:07,883 --> 00:10:09,176
It's a verbal agreement. - Verbal, shmerbal.
264
00:10:09,218 --> 00:10:10,803
You could be losing a fortune.
265
00:10:10,803 --> 00:10:12,346
Well, what kind of a guy would I be if I went back on my word?
266
00:10:12,387 --> 00:10:15,057
My kind of guy.
267
00:10:15,099 --> 00:10:16,183
He set you up for it, didn't he?
268
00:10:16,225 --> 00:10:17,810
Well, I'm not sure.
269
00:10:17,810 --> 00:10:18,727
But you suspect?
270
00:10:18,769 --> 00:10:21,438
Um-- Then you need a
lawyer, Irving the lawyer.
271
00:10:21,438 --> 00:10:24,108
Oh, Buddy, will you cut it out with the lawyers?
272
00:10:24,108 --> 00:10:25,442
Somebody's got to do something.
273
00:10:25,442 --> 00:10:27,403
Rob, what did Laura say?
274
00:10:27,444 --> 00:10:28,779
Nothing.
275
00:10:28,779 --> 00:10:30,155
You mean she's that understanding?
276
00:10:30,155 --> 00:10:31,740
Sure.
277
00:10:31,782 --> 00:10:34,034
Besides, I haven't told her yet, and I don't think I'm going to.
278
00:10:34,076 --> 00:10:38,122
[music playing]
279
00:10:48,340 --> 00:10:51,092
If I could just find this one piece.
280
00:10:51,134 --> 00:10:57,265
It's mostly lake, and a duck's nose on it.
281
00:10:57,307 --> 00:10:58,266
Nope.
282
00:10:58,308 --> 00:11:00,727
Darling, will you help me with this?
283
00:11:00,769 --> 00:11:02,562
Rob, you're staring at me again.
284
00:11:02,604 --> 00:11:03,730
No, honey.
285
00:11:03,730 --> 00:11:05,649
I just noticed how cute you look.
286
00:11:05,649 --> 00:11:07,567
I love your hair that way.
287
00:11:07,609 --> 00:11:08,610
Well, thank you, dear.
288
00:11:08,652 --> 00:11:10,946
But I always wear it this way.
289
00:11:10,987 --> 00:11:11,988
I've always loved it.
290
00:11:11,988 --> 00:11:14,699
I just-- I meant to tell you.
291
00:11:14,699 --> 00:11:16,743
Is there anything the matter?
292
00:11:16,743 --> 00:11:18,078
No.
293
00:11:18,078 --> 00:11:21,248
No, I was just sitting here thinking, you know,
honey, life's a lot like that jigsaw puzzle.
294
00:11:21,289 --> 00:11:22,207
Oh?
295
00:11:22,207 --> 00:11:23,166
How?
296
00:11:23,166 --> 00:11:27,128
Well, it's like a-- you know, a lot of little
meaningless pieces that you put together,
297
00:11:27,170 --> 00:11:28,630
and then you see.
298
00:11:28,672 --> 00:11:30,048
You understand everything, the whole picture, you know?
299
00:11:30,048 --> 00:11:31,675
Like that farm in Vermont there.
300
00:11:31,675 --> 00:11:33,260
No, that's Central Park.
301
00:11:33,301 --> 00:11:34,219
It is?
302
00:11:34,219 --> 00:11:35,262
Funny.
303
00:11:35,262 --> 00:11:36,763
Upside down, that looks like Vermont.
304
00:11:36,805 --> 00:11:38,056
That sure is.
305
00:11:38,056 --> 00:11:39,266
Well, you see, everything looks different.
306
00:11:39,307 --> 00:11:42,519
Depends on your vantage point.
307
00:11:42,519 --> 00:11:44,521
What-- what are you-- what piece are you looking for?
308
00:11:44,521 --> 00:11:46,147
A duck's nose.
309
00:11:46,189 --> 00:11:47,607
Honey, that's a duck's bill.
310
00:11:47,649 --> 00:11:48,650
I know.
311
00:11:48,692 --> 00:11:50,277
I just like to call it a nose.
312
00:11:50,318 --> 00:11:51,486
"Bill" sounds too snooty.
313
00:11:51,528 --> 00:11:52,445
Ha!
314
00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:53,697
I made a joke.
315
00:11:53,697 --> 00:11:57,701
Oh, you're witty, nice hair, everything, nice smile.
316
00:11:57,701 --> 00:12:00,996
You're OK, kid.
317
00:12:01,037 --> 00:12:04,916
Rob, do you have my nose?
318
00:12:04,916 --> 00:12:05,959
No, honey. No, see?
319
00:12:06,001 --> 00:12:06,918
I don't have it.
320
00:12:06,918 --> 00:12:09,629
It's on here somewhere.
321
00:12:09,629 --> 00:12:11,923
Hey, you remember Buzzy Potter?
322
00:12:11,923 --> 00:12:13,300
Buzzy Potter?
323
00:12:13,341 --> 00:12:14,050
Mm.
324
00:12:14,050 --> 00:12:15,844
Oh, from the Army.
325
00:12:15,885 --> 00:12:17,095
Yeah.
326
00:12:17,095 --> 00:12:18,346
He dropped in to see me the other day.
327
00:12:18,388 --> 00:12:19,055
Oh?
328
00:12:19,055 --> 00:12:19,973
How is he?
329
00:12:20,015 --> 00:12:21,474
Oh, fine, fine.
330
00:12:21,516 --> 00:12:24,019
I always felt kind of uncomfortable around him.
331
00:12:24,060 --> 00:12:26,104
Yeah, me too.
332
00:12:26,104 --> 00:12:30,650
I never understood how you two got
along, much less write songs together.
333
00:12:30,650 --> 00:12:32,485
He was kind of sleazy.
334
00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:33,194
Sleazy.
335
00:12:33,236 --> 00:12:34,988
Boy, right again.
336
00:12:34,988 --> 00:12:36,489
And pretty bad songs too.
337
00:12:36,531 --> 00:12:38,617
Oh, wow.
338
00:12:38,617 --> 00:12:39,659
Whoo, boy.
339
00:12:39,659 --> 00:12:41,202
The worst in the whole world.
340
00:12:41,244 --> 00:12:43,872
I'm kind of embarrassed I wrote them.
341
00:12:43,914 --> 00:12:45,916
You know what he wanted?
342
00:12:45,916 --> 00:12:47,334
- A taxicab. - Huh?
343
00:12:47,375 --> 00:12:49,002
Forget the nose. Look for a cab.
344
00:12:49,044 --> 00:12:50,003
It's this part here.
345
00:12:50,003 --> 00:12:51,254
Oh.
346
00:12:53,298 --> 00:12:55,717
Son of a gun, you know, wanted to team up again.
347
00:12:55,759 --> 00:12:57,761
Wanted us to be partners again.
348
00:12:57,761 --> 00:12:58,929
What'd you say?
349
00:12:58,929 --> 00:13:00,680
Well, I mean, what would you say?
350
00:13:00,722 --> 00:13:01,848
Absolutely not.
351
00:13:01,890 --> 00:13:02,849
Right.
352
00:13:02,891 --> 00:13:03,683
That's exactly what I said.
353
00:13:03,725 --> 00:13:05,018
Good.
354
00:13:05,060 --> 00:13:06,186
- You want some coffee, honey? - Mm, thank you.
355
00:13:06,186 --> 00:13:07,395
I'd love some.
356
00:13:07,437 --> 00:13:09,189
Yeah, well, I told him I'm too busy.
357
00:13:09,189 --> 00:13:10,774
That's for sure.
358
00:13:10,774 --> 00:13:12,108
Right.
359
00:13:12,108 --> 00:13:15,779
You know, he wanted us to team up
and rewrite some of the old songs.
360
00:13:15,779 --> 00:13:17,697
And I said, like you said, I said, they're terrible.
361
00:13:17,739 --> 00:13:19,032
Oh, good.
362
00:13:19,032 --> 00:13:20,116
Yeah, right.
363
00:13:20,116 --> 00:13:21,910
That's what I said.
364
00:13:21,952 --> 00:13:25,038
Well, he was persistent, you know?
365
00:13:25,038 --> 00:13:28,041
And I-- you know, I was very firm with him.
366
00:13:28,083 --> 00:13:29,292
Very good.
367
00:13:29,292 --> 00:13:30,335
Yeah.
368
00:13:30,335 --> 00:13:35,799
Well, you know, you know what I did?
369
00:13:35,799 --> 00:13:39,511
You don't know what I found out.
370
00:13:39,511 --> 00:13:40,470
What, dear?
371
00:13:40,470 --> 00:13:43,431
Well, I-- you know, it did get
him out of my hair and everything.
372
00:13:43,473 --> 00:13:45,892
I just-- I gave him the songs outright.
373
00:13:45,934 --> 00:13:47,269
That's all.
374
00:13:47,310 --> 00:13:49,062
Well, I wouldn't have done that.
375
00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:50,939
You wouldn't have done that?
376
00:13:50,981 --> 00:13:52,232
Oh, no, Rob.
377
00:13:52,274 --> 00:13:53,775
They might have been rotten songs.
378
00:13:53,817 --> 00:13:58,154
But you know, I hear a lot of rotten
songs on the radio, and they're big hits.
379
00:13:58,154 --> 00:14:01,449
Well, yeah, but I felt sorry for him.
380
00:14:01,491 --> 00:14:03,743
Well, that's that's very sweet of you, darling.
381
00:14:03,743 --> 00:14:08,707
But you know, suppose one of those songs
that you gave away became a huge hit.
382
00:14:08,707 --> 00:14:11,334
I mean, you'd probably feel awful ridiculous,
383
00:14:11,334 --> 00:14:15,255
sit around here with your mouth open and blinking your eyes.
384
00:14:17,465 --> 00:14:20,635
Rob, you're blinking your eyes.
385
00:14:20,635 --> 00:14:21,720
Rob?
386
00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:25,265
Honey, you can't classify
it as a hit-- yet, anyway.
387
00:14:25,265 --> 00:14:26,725
LAURA: What? - "Bupkis."
388
00:14:26,725 --> 00:14:28,101
- What? - "Bupkis."
389
00:14:28,101 --> 00:14:28,977
Oh yeah.
390
00:14:29,019 --> 00:14:29,936
I remember that one.
391
00:14:29,978 --> 00:14:30,937
That's a hit?
392
00:14:30,979 --> 00:14:31,938
Oh, no.
393
00:14:31,980 --> 00:14:33,440
I just-- I don't know.
394
00:14:33,481 --> 00:14:35,275
I just heard it this morning.
395
00:14:35,275 --> 00:14:36,443
Where? ROB: On the air.
396
00:14:36,443 --> 00:14:37,152
Where?
397
00:14:37,193 --> 00:14:38,403
On the radio.
398
00:14:38,403 --> 00:14:40,697
The Dum-Dums made a recording of it.
399
00:14:40,697 --> 00:14:41,865
Is it a hit?
400
00:14:41,865 --> 00:14:42,991
Well, no, honey.
401
00:14:43,033 --> 00:14:46,870
You can't-- "bupkis" is a Yiddish
word that means "nothing."
402
00:14:46,870 --> 00:14:47,787
Rob?
403
00:14:47,829 --> 00:14:53,460
And "Bupkis" is-- "Bupkis" is going to just
turn out to be that, I think, just bupkis.
404
00:14:53,460 --> 00:15:03,178
Well, you know, I mean, it might turn out to be a--
what is the Yiddish word for, oh boy, did I goof?
405
00:15:03,219 --> 00:15:06,848
Try "oy vey."
406
00:15:06,890 --> 00:15:07,974
Oy vey.
407
00:15:08,016 --> 00:15:09,601
Oh, that works fine.
408
00:15:09,601 --> 00:15:12,562
Very good.
409
00:15:12,562 --> 00:15:14,731
DUM-DUMS (ON RADIO): (SINGING) --what you'll get from me.
410
00:15:14,731 --> 00:15:16,149
Bupkis!
411
00:15:16,149 --> 00:15:21,905
Bupkis is a lot of nothing, and that's what you'll get from me.
412
00:15:21,905 --> 00:15:27,077
Bupkis is a lot of nothing, and that's what you'll get from me.
413
00:15:27,077 --> 00:15:28,370
Bupkis!
414
00:15:31,915 --> 00:15:33,041
See, honey?
415
00:15:33,083 --> 00:15:34,000
Stinks!
416
00:15:34,042 --> 00:15:36,461
It's a stinker, isn't it?
417
00:15:36,461 --> 00:15:38,004
Enough to be a big hit.
418
00:15:38,046 --> 00:15:40,048
Oh, it's not that bad.
419
00:15:40,090 --> 00:15:44,219
Well, he-- look, he's only sold one record of it so far.
420
00:15:44,261 --> 00:15:46,012
Does Buzzy get a royalty on it?
421
00:15:46,012 --> 00:15:48,723
Well, $0.02 on a record.
422
00:15:48,723 --> 00:15:52,519
Darling, how much is a million times $0.02?
423
00:15:52,561 --> 00:15:56,439
Oh, honey, I'll never see the day that sells a million.
424
00:15:56,439 --> 00:15:58,525
How can you be so sure?
425
00:15:58,525 --> 00:16:02,779
If this reaches a half a million, I'll kill myself.
426
00:16:02,779 --> 00:16:09,953
Look, just for fun, just for fun, how much
is a million times a couple of pennies?
427
00:16:09,953 --> 00:16:12,205
Well, I don't know.
428
00:16:12,247 --> 00:16:15,750
2, uh, 20-- I don't know.
429
00:16:15,750 --> 00:16:16,585
I don't know.
430
00:16:16,626 --> 00:16:18,003
Two million pennies, that's all.
431
00:16:18,003 --> 00:16:19,045
Two million pennies?
432
00:16:19,045 --> 00:16:20,005
Well, only a million.
433
00:16:20,005 --> 00:16:21,506
I'd only get half, anyway.
434
00:16:21,506 --> 00:16:27,220
Oh, would you just think what we
could get with one million pennies?
435
00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:28,138
Copper poisoning?
436
00:16:28,138 --> 00:16:29,389
LAURA: Oh.
437
00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:32,559
Hey, I'm a dope. I don't know what-- I
gave him the song. I gave him my word.
438
00:16:32,601 --> 00:16:33,518
That is it.
439
00:16:33,518 --> 00:16:35,896
Unless-- Unless what?
440
00:16:35,896 --> 00:16:37,689
Well, unless he tricked me.
441
00:16:37,689 --> 00:16:39,065
Tricked you?
442
00:16:39,065 --> 00:16:42,903
Well, no, forced me into a position
where I had to do what I did.
443
00:16:42,903 --> 00:16:44,571
Is he that smart?
444
00:16:44,613 --> 00:16:46,781
You mean, am I that dumb?
445
00:16:46,781 --> 00:16:50,535
Well, it sounded nicer the other way.
446
00:16:50,535 --> 00:16:53,914
No, honey, if I gave him the record, I'm just
going to have to be a good sport about it
447
00:16:53,914 --> 00:16:55,040
and live with it.
448
00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:59,920
Yeah, but if he connived and took advantage of
your good nature-- For which I am very well known.
449
00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:01,254
Yes.
450
00:17:01,254 --> 00:17:03,840
Well, then you'd have every right in
the world to do something about it.
451
00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:05,926
It's a tricky situation.
452
00:17:05,967 --> 00:17:07,093
He didn't trick me into it.
453
00:17:07,093 --> 00:17:08,261
I just got to live with it.
454
00:17:08,261 --> 00:17:10,221
If I could only talk to the guy.
455
00:17:10,221 --> 00:17:12,933
Better yet, better yet, write to him.
456
00:17:12,974 --> 00:17:14,017
Yeah.
457
00:17:14,017 --> 00:17:15,268
Why is that better yet?
458
00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:18,396
Write him a note congratulating him
on his success! - Wait a minute.
459
00:17:18,396 --> 00:17:19,773
What do you see that I don't see here?
460
00:17:19,773 --> 00:17:23,360
Well, darling, when he gets your note,
if he's any kind of a nice guy at all,
461
00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:24,861
he'll get in touch with you.
462
00:17:24,861 --> 00:17:26,321
And who knows?
463
00:17:26,363 --> 00:17:27,322
Oh yeah.
464
00:17:27,364 --> 00:17:31,868
And if he's not a nice guy--
Well, write to him and find out.
465
00:17:31,868 --> 00:17:32,953
Ah, no, wait a minute.
466
00:17:32,994 --> 00:17:36,456
You do the writing, and I am gonna dictate.
467
00:17:39,084 --> 00:17:40,085
Honey, look.
468
00:17:40,085 --> 00:17:41,127
Don't mind, just write.
469
00:17:41,127 --> 00:17:43,463
I'll finish it myself later.
470
00:17:43,505 --> 00:17:47,259
OK, you watch, and I'll write.
471
00:17:47,259 --> 00:17:48,593
You broke my yolks.
472
00:17:57,102 --> 00:17:58,103
Hi, Rich.
473
00:17:58,103 --> 00:18:00,355
Hi, Dad.
474
00:18:00,397 --> 00:18:01,982
What's the matter?
475
00:18:02,023 --> 00:18:02,941
"Bupkis."
476
00:18:02,941 --> 00:18:04,109
Again?
477
00:18:04,109 --> 00:18:05,151
Yeah.
478
00:18:05,151 --> 00:18:07,153
The kids keep saying I'm a liar.
479
00:18:07,195 --> 00:18:08,321
Look, Rich.
480
00:18:08,363 --> 00:18:10,782
I'm telling you once and for all,
pay no attention to what they say.
481
00:18:10,782 --> 00:18:13,785
I'm telling you that I wrote that
song, and that's all that matters.
482
00:18:13,785 --> 00:18:17,747
But they say, if you wrote the song,
your name would be on the record.
483
00:18:17,747 --> 00:18:21,167
Rich-- well, that's a pretty good argument.
484
00:18:21,167 --> 00:18:22,502
Well, what do you say?
485
00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:24,254
What you told Mommy last night.
486
00:18:24,254 --> 00:18:25,839
What's that?
487
00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:29,342
That Buzzy Potter's a rat for not even calling or anything,
488
00:18:29,342 --> 00:18:32,178
and if you ever saw him, you'd break his nose.
489
00:18:32,220 --> 00:18:33,638
I never said I'd break his nose.
490
00:18:33,638 --> 00:18:37,225
I put that in to make you sound tough.
491
00:18:37,225 --> 00:18:39,019
Thanks.
492
00:18:39,060 --> 00:18:40,395
LAURA: Rob, is that you?
493
00:18:40,437 --> 00:18:41,938
You just do your homework and forget about it.
494
00:18:41,938 --> 00:18:43,231
Coming.
495
00:18:43,231 --> 00:18:44,482
Hi.
496
00:18:46,651 --> 00:18:50,530
That wasn't the greatest kiss in the whole world,
but up till now, it's the high point of my day.
497
00:18:50,530 --> 00:18:52,365
Well, then you better get ready for the low.
498
00:18:52,407 --> 00:18:53,533
Huh?
499
00:18:53,575 --> 00:18:55,994
Mr. Potter has replied indirectly.
500
00:18:55,994 --> 00:18:58,580
Sunderland, Sachs, and Engelhart, attorneys at law?
501
00:18:58,622 --> 00:19:00,373
Why would attorneys be writing me?
502
00:19:00,373 --> 00:19:01,708
Maybe to tell you something legal?
503
00:19:01,750 --> 00:19:02,834
Well.
504
00:19:04,878 --> 00:19:10,717
Dear Mr. Petrie, your kind note of congratulations
to Mr. Potter prompted us to take this opportunity
505
00:19:10,717 --> 00:19:14,721
to ask for your signature on the enclosed document, which states
506
00:19:14,721 --> 00:19:18,391
you relinquish to him all rights to
songs you previously owned jointly.
507
00:19:18,391 --> 00:19:22,354
Why those dirty-- Those dirties go on
to say that your verbal agreement is
508
00:19:22,354 --> 00:19:26,191
quite binding, but it would be nice
to have it in writing, legally.
509
00:19:26,191 --> 00:19:27,734
Oh, it would, would it?
510
00:19:27,734 --> 00:19:29,236
LAURA: You're not gonna sign it, are you?
511
00:19:29,236 --> 00:19:30,237
Oh, yes.
512
00:19:30,278 --> 00:19:32,030
How do you like my penmanship?
513
00:19:32,030 --> 00:19:35,992
We were worried about ethics, and morals, and your good word.
514
00:19:35,992 --> 00:19:38,745
You want to hear a couple of good words?
515
00:19:38,745 --> 00:19:40,247
Rob, what are you gonna do?
516
00:19:40,288 --> 00:19:42,916
Tell you what I'm gonna
do-- exactly what I can do.
517
00:19:42,916 --> 00:19:44,334
Nothing.
518
00:19:44,334 --> 00:19:45,585
Nothing?
519
00:19:45,627 --> 00:19:46,962
Well, I talked to our lawyer, honey.
520
00:19:46,962 --> 00:19:48,797
The verbal agreement is valid in court.
521
00:19:48,838 --> 00:19:51,549
The only thing this letter does is just change my attitude.
522
00:19:51,549 --> 00:19:53,969
Before, I felt stupid and suspicious.
523
00:19:53,969 --> 00:19:56,137
But now I'm furious.
524
00:19:56,137 --> 00:19:57,514
You know what you ought to do?
525
00:19:57,514 --> 00:19:59,724
You ought to go see Mr. Potter.
526
00:19:59,724 --> 00:20:00,767
Oh, no.
527
00:20:00,809 --> 00:20:03,103
But I'm gonna go pay Mr. Potter a visit.
528
00:20:03,103 --> 00:20:04,479
Darling, I just said that.
529
00:20:04,521 --> 00:20:08,108
Well, what difference does it make
who said it, as long as I do it?
530
00:20:08,108 --> 00:20:10,026
Rob, you're eating raw fish.
531
00:20:10,026 --> 00:20:12,445
You're telling me.
532
00:20:12,487 --> 00:20:16,783
[music playing]
533
00:20:38,263 --> 00:20:40,348
When did Mr. Potter say he'd be back?
534
00:20:40,348 --> 00:20:41,516
Well, with him, you never know.
535
00:20:41,558 --> 00:20:42,517
He's a real operator.
536
00:20:42,559 --> 00:20:43,476
Yeah, I know.
537
00:20:43,518 --> 00:20:47,022
I'm one of his operations.
538
00:20:47,022 --> 00:20:48,273
What do you know?
539
00:20:48,273 --> 00:20:50,317
If Frank Sinatra would sing this, it would be a hit.
540
00:20:50,317 --> 00:20:51,860
Listen.
541
00:20:51,902 --> 00:20:54,821
If Frank Sinatra would sing that song, it'd be a miracle.
542
00:20:54,863 --> 00:20:56,531
Well, what does he know?
543
00:20:56,573 --> 00:20:59,159
Timmy Tone Deaf.
544
00:20:59,159 --> 00:21:00,368
Is Mr. Sharazan in?
545
00:21:00,368 --> 00:21:01,661
No, all three of them are out.
546
00:21:01,661 --> 00:21:03,288
They won't be in today until tomorrow.
547
00:21:03,288 --> 00:21:04,998
Anybody here from Anvil Music?
548
00:21:04,998 --> 00:21:07,334
We don't have an Anvil Music here.
549
00:21:07,334 --> 00:21:08,919
It's right on the door.
550
00:21:08,919 --> 00:21:09,753
How about that?
551
00:21:09,753 --> 00:21:11,212
Boy, they come and go here.
552
00:21:17,969 --> 00:21:19,387
Excuse me, miss.
553
00:21:19,387 --> 00:21:20,931
Oh, hello.
554
00:21:20,931 --> 00:21:24,267
For the 14th time, Sticks Mandalay to see Buzzy Potter.
555
00:21:24,267 --> 00:21:28,063
RECEPTIONIST: Well, for the 15th
time, he ain't in, Mr. Mandalay.
556
00:21:28,063 --> 00:21:29,940
STICKS: And for the 16th time, I don't have all day to waste.
557
00:21:29,940 --> 00:21:32,025
And the longer I wait, the rougher it's gonna be on him.
558
00:21:32,067 --> 00:21:33,026
RECEPTIONIST: Good.
559
00:21:33,026 --> 00:21:34,236
He's not my favorite person either.
560
00:21:34,236 --> 00:21:35,028
Sticks. Sticks, not Rangoon.
561
00:21:35,028 --> 00:21:36,029
Sticks Mandalay.
562
00:21:36,071 --> 00:21:37,989
Sticks Mandalay!
563
00:21:37,989 --> 00:21:38,740
Yeah.
564
00:21:38,782 --> 00:21:40,492
Rob Petrie, Camp Crowder.
565
00:21:40,492 --> 00:21:41,701
Hey, how are you?
566
00:21:41,743 --> 00:21:43,453
Just great, Sticks. How you been?
567
00:21:43,453 --> 00:21:44,829
Oh, fine.
568
00:21:44,829 --> 00:21:46,039
But I haven't been Sticks for about 10 years.
569
00:21:46,081 --> 00:21:48,124
I gave it up when I gave up the drums.
570
00:21:48,124 --> 00:21:49,209
It's Frank.
571
00:21:49,209 --> 00:21:50,835
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
572
00:21:50,835 --> 00:21:52,837
Well, I mean, Frank's a great name.
573
00:21:52,837 --> 00:21:54,589
But I'm sorry you gave up the sticks.
574
00:21:54,589 --> 00:21:56,216
You were a great drummer.
575
00:21:56,216 --> 00:21:57,676
Thanks.
576
00:21:57,676 --> 00:21:59,177
Well, I still, you know, paradiddle every now and then
577
00:21:59,177 --> 00:22:01,096
when I went my wife and kids to know I'm still around.
578
00:22:01,096 --> 00:22:02,973
I just use Sticks for the old Army guys.
579
00:22:02,973 --> 00:22:07,227
Hey, you know, I ran into Buzzy Potter the other
day, and I couldn't remember your name to save me.
580
00:22:07,269 --> 00:22:08,645
What?
581
00:22:08,645 --> 00:22:09,896
Well, I mean, I couldn't remember anybody's name.
582
00:22:09,938 --> 00:22:12,899
But Buzz Potter ran through the--
reeled off every name in the company.
583
00:22:12,941 --> 00:22:14,276
And he couldn't remember your name.
584
00:22:14,276 --> 00:22:15,318
Uh-huh.
585
00:22:15,318 --> 00:22:16,903
He'd like to forget I'm alive.
586
00:22:16,903 --> 00:22:18,280
Why?
587
00:22:18,280 --> 00:22:22,492
Well, you see, when he and I were at Camp
Crowder together-- are you and he friends?
588
00:22:22,492 --> 00:22:23,660
Not at all.
589
00:22:23,660 --> 00:22:24,911
And what are you doing here?
590
00:22:24,911 --> 00:22:26,955
Well, I don't know, Sticks.
591
00:22:26,997 --> 00:22:29,708
I'm either gonna talk to him or punch him in the mouth.
592
00:22:29,708 --> 00:22:31,918
For that, you gotta stand in line.
593
00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:32,877
No kidding.
594
00:22:32,877 --> 00:22:33,878
You too?
595
00:22:33,878 --> 00:22:35,338
He's got the whole ex-Army after him.
596
00:22:35,338 --> 00:22:36,840
And a couple ex-wives too.
597
00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:38,341
What are you sore at him for?
598
00:22:38,341 --> 00:22:39,301
Nothing.
599
00:22:39,301 --> 00:22:40,218
Nothing?
600
00:22:40,218 --> 00:22:42,596
Yes, he's like-- I told
you, Mr. Potter isn't here.
601
00:22:42,596 --> 00:22:43,513
[interposing voices]
602
00:22:43,513 --> 00:22:44,431
Oh, oh, oh.
603
00:22:44,431 --> 00:22:45,515
Well, well!
604
00:22:45,515 --> 00:22:46,516
The guest of honor.
605
00:22:46,516 --> 00:22:48,184
- Hi, Buzzy. - Hi, dolls.
606
00:22:48,184 --> 00:22:49,269
Come on.
607
00:22:49,269 --> 00:22:51,438
We want to talk a little business with you.
608
00:22:51,438 --> 00:22:53,231
Couldn't we make an appointment?
609
00:22:53,231 --> 00:22:54,608
This is the appointment.
610
00:22:54,608 --> 00:22:56,109
Did you think you could get away with it?
611
00:22:56,109 --> 00:22:58,778
Buzzy, you took-- Why'd you do
it, Buzzy?
612
00:22:58,820 --> 00:23:02,908
Well, after you shipped out,
I heard you were killed in action.
613
00:23:02,908 --> 00:23:03,617
Where?
614
00:23:03,617 --> 00:23:04,826
There was no war then.
615
00:23:04,868 --> 00:23:08,246
Well, I thought that was strange.
616
00:23:08,246 --> 00:23:09,873
But I tried to find you.
617
00:23:09,873 --> 00:23:12,667
Why didn't you look out here, or answer my letters?
618
00:23:12,667 --> 00:23:14,002
Well, I would have answered your letters.
619
00:23:14,044 --> 00:23:15,629
But I didn't know it was you.
620
00:23:15,670 --> 00:23:17,756
How many Sticks Mandalay do you know?
621
00:23:17,756 --> 00:23:19,507
Counting yourself? Why, there's one in Ohio.
622
00:23:19,507 --> 00:23:21,801
Oh, Buzzy, come on. You took it--
- Hold it, Rob. - Go ahead.
623
00:23:21,801 --> 00:23:23,970
You look madder than I do.
624
00:23:24,012 --> 00:23:25,555
All I know is you stole "Nothing."
625
00:23:25,555 --> 00:23:26,514
"Nothing"?
626
00:23:26,514 --> 00:23:29,643
Well then, what are you-- "Nothing"?
"Bupkis."
627
00:23:29,684 --> 00:23:30,644
"Nothing" is "Bupkis."
628
00:23:30,685 --> 00:23:33,104
No, "Bupkis" is "Nothing."
629
00:23:33,104 --> 00:23:36,399
I wrote a tune called "Nothing," and he turned it into "Bupkis."
630
00:23:36,399 --> 00:23:38,568
No, I turned it into "Bupkis."
631
00:23:38,568 --> 00:23:40,320
You wrote the lyrics?
632
00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:41,196
You wrote the tune?
633
00:23:41,196 --> 00:23:41,947
Yeah.
634
00:23:41,947 --> 00:23:43,823
Well, fellas,
what-- What did he write?
635
00:23:43,823 --> 00:23:45,033
I'll be going.
636
00:23:45,075 --> 00:23:47,494
He wrote his name on the music sheet.
637
00:23:47,494 --> 00:23:49,663
Oh, Buzzy, you're not just a wheedler, you're a crook.
638
00:23:49,704 --> 00:23:50,580
Enough, fellas.
639
00:23:50,580 --> 00:23:51,957
Let's go talk business.
640
00:23:51,957 --> 00:23:53,250
Come on.
641
00:23:53,250 --> 00:23:54,167
Hey, Buzzy!
642
00:23:54,209 --> 00:23:55,001
Hey, Buzzy!
643
00:23:55,001 --> 00:23:56,002
Congratulations on "Bupkis."
644
00:23:56,044 --> 00:23:57,337
You got another one coming up?
645
00:23:57,337 --> 00:24:00,840
Sheila, get me a lawyer.
646
00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:02,717
Why can't I think of something like that?
647
00:24:02,717 --> 00:24:04,302
Sheila, get me a lawyer.
648
00:24:08,473 --> 00:24:09,724
Hello, family.
649
00:24:09,724 --> 00:24:11,309
Hi, darling.
650
00:24:11,309 --> 00:24:13,144
Is that for me?
651
00:24:13,144 --> 00:24:14,312
That is for us.
652
00:24:14,312 --> 00:24:15,772
What is it?
653
00:24:15,772 --> 00:24:17,107
I'll show you.
654
00:24:17,107 --> 00:24:22,988
It is a framed copy of "Bupkis," with the names
Mandalay and Petrie clearly printed beneath the title.
655
00:24:22,988 --> 00:24:24,322
Hey.
656
00:24:24,322 --> 00:24:29,202
And my first royalty check for the sum of 984 pennies.
657
00:24:29,202 --> 00:24:30,495
That's for the first three months.
658
00:24:30,495 --> 00:24:32,956
$9.84?
659
00:24:32,956 --> 00:24:34,165
Don't get your hopes up, honey.
660
00:24:34,165 --> 00:24:36,126
I'm afraid they won't all be that big.
661
00:24:36,126 --> 00:24:37,127
Oh.
662
00:24:37,127 --> 00:24:41,172
[music playing]
663
00:24:43,675 --> 00:24:49,014
[theme music]47257
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