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[MUSIC PLAYING - EARLE HAGEN, "THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW THEME"]
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ANNOUNCER: The Dick Van Dyke Show.
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Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey
Amsterdam, Larry Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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[music playing]
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Hi.
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What do you want?
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Oh, Millie.
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Gee, I'm glad I caught you.
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Well make it quick.
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I gotta be at the crosswalk at 12:30.
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I'm on duty for going back from lunch and coming home.
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Yeah, I know and I figured since you're gonna
be at the school anyway would you kind of keep
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a special eye on Ritchie?
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Has he been selling his lunch to the other kids again?
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No, but he's come home with bruises twice this week.
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He says it's from playing ball,
but I have a feeling he's been fighting.
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Well, my Freddy hardly ever fights,
but boy what he writes on sidewalks.
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I gotta wash his hands out with soap.
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Hi, mom.
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Hey, Rich!
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Come back here.
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You're supposed to be eating lunch at school.
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What are you doing home?
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I don't know.
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Ritchie, why are you hiding your fa-,
Ritchie, what hap-, you've been fighting!
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No, I just got beat up.
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Ah Rich, and they broke the bill of your lucky cap too.
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Rich, who did it?
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Ritchie, who did it?
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Millie maybe I better talk to him alone.
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Oh, OK. All right.
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I see you later.
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Rich, come on honey, now.
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Forgot my sign.
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Now Ritchie, tell me what happened.
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You'll tell Aunt Millie.
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No I won't, dear.
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Look, it's a third time this week you've come
home bruised and I want to know the truth.
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Now who have you been fighting with?
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Was it Freddy?
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Teddy Sooler?
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Rich, was it a bunch of kids?
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Honey, this is mom.
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You can tell me.
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Ritchie, who's been beating you up?
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Priscilla Darwell.
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[music playing]
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What'd he say?
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He keeps insisting that Priscilla
Darwell is beating him up for no reason.
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He has no idea why?
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According to him it's just unprovoked punching.
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I just don't see how she could do that.
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Well, it's easy.
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She just walks up and belts him, that's all.
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But honey, he won't hit back.
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I've taught him never to hit a girl.
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He's too much of a gentleman.
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Well, she's no lady.
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She bent his bill.
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Huh?
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The bill on his baseball cap.
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Look it's ripped to shreds.
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Boy, she must be a biter too.
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Look at those teeth marks.
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Yeah, and that can be dangerous.
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What, getting bitten on a hat?
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No, she probably aimed for his nose and missed.
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You know, I could be wrong but somehow I
have the sneaking suspicion that Ritchie's
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not telling us everything.
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What do you mean?
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Well honey, you know how he
makes things up once in a while.
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Like, every time he has to kiss
grandma he gets chapped lips, you know.
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Well, why would he make this up?
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I mean, being beaten up by a girl makes him
a sissy, and whoever heard of a boy saying
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he was a sissy on purpose?
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A lot of guys in the army tried it.
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Pretending they were cowards and things like that.
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Now maybe he's getting to be a coward.
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Oh, he is not.
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He beats up Freddy.
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Yeah, Freddy's smaller.
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Heavier.
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Yeah, but Freddy's uncoordinated.
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He hasn't got that-- Rob,
our son is a terrible liar.
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That's what I think.
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No, I mean he's a terrible liar.
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He doesn't tell lies well.
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I know when he is lying, Rob, and he wasn't about this girl.
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Well, maybe you're right.
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Well, I don't know what to do about it.
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I never had problems like that when I was a kid.
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I got slapped by girls a few
times but I never got beaten up.
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What'd you get slapped for?
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Well, usual things.
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What usual things?
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Well, I don't know.
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I know one time at a high school dance Margie Woolet
slapped me because I said her slip was showing.
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Is that all?
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Well, I said it on a loudspeaker.
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Full of ginger, weren't you.
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I still am, baby, but I don't get beaten up.
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Rob, we've got to do something.
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I think maybe we should get in touch with this girl's parents.
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You know them?
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No, but they, well they're probably in the phone book.
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Look, we could call them and then
you could go over there tonight.
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Tonight?
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Rob, Ritchie is scared to go to school tomorrow.
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Oh, he didn't tell me that.
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No, of course not.
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He tells you the brave things.
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When he's chicken he talks to me.
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All right, Mrs. Spock.
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Let's see.
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Darwell, Darwell.
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Gotta be in the book, right?
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Oh here, there are two.
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Ralph Darwell and Ogden Darwell.
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Oh boy, I hope it's Ralph.
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Here are the numbers.
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Oh, boy.
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You sure I can't just talk a little bit on the phone?
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No, I think you should do it in person.
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Hello.
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Well, hello there.
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Is your mommy or daddy home?
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Is it the-- I think it's a boy.
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Uh, are you a boy?
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It's a boy and his mommy's in the bathtub.
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Sonny, is, uh, is your name Darwell?
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Well, hol-, hey-- he went to ask his mother.
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[whistles] Little boy.
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Hey, hi Sonny.
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Listen, yeah, I know, I know your mommy's in the bathtub.
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Maybe you can help me.
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I just wanted to ask you, uh, do you have a sister?
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But-- hello, little boy!
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He went to ask his mother again.
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Well, it's probably not the right Darwell.
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Little boy.
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Hello.
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That's right.
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I know your mommy can't come to the phone.
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I just want to ask you a question, do you have a sister?
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A sister. .
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No, a-- No look, is there somebody who lives
at your house who looks like your mother who,
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but is smaller?
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No, not your grandma.
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Uh, oh hello.
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Listen, I'm terribly sorry to get you out of the bathtub.
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Mrs. Darwell?
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Yeah, I will, that's right.
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Listen, I just wanted to ask you if
you had a little girl named Priscilla.
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Hello?
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Hello?
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Boy, people get mean when they're wet.
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Looks like you're stuck with Ogden.
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Uh, Mr. Darwell?
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Yes, come in. Come in.
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You must be Mr. Petrie, what.
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That's right.
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Have any difficulty finding the place?
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No, none at all.
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Good show.
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Sit down, won't you, in my, uh, personal chair.
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Oh, thank you very much.
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It's a wonderful chair that, you know, wonderful.
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Wife hates it.
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Moves it every time I leave the room.
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Oh.
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Look, I'm, uh, terribly sorry to bother you.
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No, no, no. It's no bother.
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I just wish the wife was here.
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She's, uh, she's gone to night school.
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Oh, knight school.
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Studying to become a knight, huh?
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I, uh, I beg your pardon?
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Well, you know, knight.
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Arthur's round table and all.
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You know, your English.
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Well, of course you know that.
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Yes, well anyway.
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Can I offer you anything?
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Coffee, drink?
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Oh no, nothing.
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All I want-- boy, that's quite a chair.
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Yes, isn't it wonderful, and, uh, watch this.
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It vibrates too.
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Yeah.
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Now, uh, let me offer you some candy, imported
raspberry sour balls from England, you know.
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Well, I, I, actually I don't care.
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Uh, Mr. Darwell, how do you turn this off?
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Hmm?
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Oh, yes, yes.
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Turned it off a minute ago.
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That says off there, doesn't it?
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No, no. It's this top one.
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Well, I believe that, that that's the top, isn't it?
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Oh, yes, yes.
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From your point of view it could be the top, you see.
219
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There we are. Yes.
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- Ah, boy. - Knight!
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Knight school. Yes, I see.
222
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Funny joke, what.
223
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Oh, can I give you, uh.
224
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This the way.
225
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Here we go.
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Oops, I'm terribly sorry.
227
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Quite all right.
228
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I'll, uh, I'll get them later.
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00:08:25,046 --> 00:08:25,847
Don't worry about it.
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00:08:25,947 --> 00:08:26,781
Oh, uh, well.
231
00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:29,484
You, uh, thank you.
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00:08:29,584 --> 00:08:33,654
You didn't say on the phone exactly what the
trouble was between Ritchie and Priscilla.
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00:08:33,755 --> 00:08:37,091
Well Mr. Darwell, our children have been fighting.
235
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But, uh, your child is a male.
236
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I mean, he's a boy, isn't he?
237
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Well, my male is, is a boy.
238
00:08:42,130 --> 00:08:43,731
I have a, Rich, I have a boy.
239
00:08:43,831 --> 00:08:44,732
And they've been fighting?
240
00:08:44,832 --> 00:08:45,666
Yes.
241
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That's very odd.
242
00:08:47,201 --> 00:08:48,436
I mean, Priscilla hasn't come home hurt or anything.
243
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Well, that's, that's because she's winning.
244
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You mean, uh, you mean, my daughter, uh,
my daughter can beat up your son, huh?
246
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By George.
247
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Oh.
248
00:09:02,083 --> 00:09:03,384
You see it isn't exactly like that.
249
00:09:03,484 --> 00:09:06,387
But with just a couple of the boys roughing
it up Ritchie can take care of himself,
251
00:09:06,487 --> 00:09:08,122
but he, he won't hit a girl.
252
00:09:08,222 --> 00:09:09,323
I taught him not to hit a girl.
253
00:09:09,424 --> 00:09:10,825
Yes, yes, of course. Stupid of me.
254
00:09:10,925 --> 00:09:12,060
Stupid. Yes, yes.
255
00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:13,528
Well, I mean, I see your difficulty.
256
00:09:13,628 --> 00:09:16,130
Uh, is there any reason that you know of?
257
00:09:16,230 --> 00:09:17,131
Uh, no, no.
258
00:09:17,231 --> 00:09:18,533
My son doesn't think so.
259
00:09:18,633 --> 00:09:19,934
Huh.
260
00:09:20,034 --> 00:09:21,602
Well look here, I want to get to the bottom of this right now.
261
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Smart's the word, quick's the action, what.
262
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You bet.
263
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Priscilla, would you mind coming down, please.
264
00:09:27,575 --> 00:09:32,113
I remember a similar incident when
I was in a foxhole in North Africa.
266
00:09:32,213 --> 00:09:35,616
My sergeant said to me-- oh, there you are, precious.
267
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What is it, Daddy?
268
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Uh, this is, uh, Priscilla, this is Mr. Petrie.
269
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Oh, hello.
270
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Are you Ritchie Petrie's father?
271
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Yes, he is.
272
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Now my dear, this is rather important.
273
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What's been going on between you and Ritchie?
274
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Nothing, Daddy.
275
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You haven't been fighting Ritchie?
276
00:09:49,831 --> 00:09:50,665
Oh no, Daddy.
277
00:09:50,765 --> 00:09:51,899
I love Ritchie.
278
00:09:51,999 --> 00:09:54,068
Well, Priscilla, you mean, you didn't hit my son?
279
00:09:54,168 --> 00:09:55,269
No, Mr. Petrie.
280
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Now tell the truth, my dear.
281
00:09:56,704 --> 00:09:58,573
Nobody here is going to punish you.
282
00:09:58,673 --> 00:10:00,041
But I am, Daddy.
283
00:10:00,141 --> 00:10:02,176
Priscilla, what about this hat?
284
00:10:02,276 --> 00:10:03,478
Oh, that's Ritchie's hat.
285
00:10:03,578 --> 00:10:04,445
That's right.
286
00:10:04,545 --> 00:10:05,947
You see the, the front is all broken.
287
00:10:06,047 --> 00:10:06,881
Did you do that?
288
00:10:06,981 --> 00:10:08,049
No, Mr. Petrie.
289
00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:09,050
I love Ritchie.
290
00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:09,984
There.
291
00:10:10,084 --> 00:10:11,319
Run along, my dear.
292
00:10:11,419 --> 00:10:13,121
Goodnight, Daddy.
293
00:10:13,221 --> 00:10:14,255
Good night, Mr. Petrie.
294
00:10:14,355 --> 00:10:15,923
It was very nice meeting you.
295
00:10:16,023 --> 00:10:18,626
Goodnight, Priscilla.
296
00:10:18,726 --> 00:10:21,629
Well, uh, she look like a bully, what?
297
00:10:21,729 --> 00:10:22,563
Huh?
298
00:10:22,663 --> 00:10:23,297
No.
299
00:10:23,397 --> 00:10:25,233
No, she, uh, doesn't.
300
00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:26,534
I, not at all.
301
00:10:26,634 --> 00:10:28,736
I'm afraid that my son's been fibbing to me.
302
00:10:28,836 --> 00:10:31,272
Mr. Darwell, I'm terribly embarrassed about this.
303
00:10:31,372 --> 00:10:33,941
Oh why, just because your son fibbed a little, eh.
304
00:10:34,041 --> 00:10:35,710
What, what, what?
305
00:10:35,810 --> 00:10:40,882
Yeah that, and I just, uh,
crushed a sour ball on your carpet.
307
00:10:40,982 --> 00:10:41,816
I'm awfully sorry.
308
00:10:41,916 --> 00:10:42,950
Yes.
309
00:10:43,050 --> 00:10:46,454
Well, if you'll follow me I'll
see you safely off the premises.
311
00:10:46,554 --> 00:10:48,789
I still think I outta go in there
and have a talk with Ritchie.
313
00:10:48,890 --> 00:10:49,824
Oh Rob, no.
314
00:10:49,924 --> 00:10:50,825
I gave him a couple of aspirin.
315
00:10:50,925 --> 00:10:52,226
Let's not wake him up.
316
00:10:52,326 --> 00:10:55,663
Well, they say people don't sleep well
when they have a lie on their conscience.
318
00:10:55,763 --> 00:10:56,731
What are you doing?
319
00:10:56,831 --> 00:10:58,866
Well, I crushed a sour ball on his carpet.
320
00:10:58,966 --> 00:11:00,668
I'm just getting rid of it.
321
00:11:00,768 --> 00:11:01,402
He lying.
322
00:11:01,502 --> 00:11:02,470
Ritchie is lying, honey.
323
00:11:02,570 --> 00:11:04,505
Rob, how can you be sure?
324
00:11:04,605 --> 00:11:09,143
If you had seen that cute little Priscilla you would
know who was telling the truth, and her father,
326
00:11:09,243 --> 00:11:10,611
he's got an English accent.
327
00:11:10,711 --> 00:11:11,712
So?
328
00:11:11,812 --> 00:11:13,714
Well honey, he's a regular Bengal Lancer.
329
00:11:13,814 --> 00:11:16,250
They don't lie.
330
00:11:16,350 --> 00:11:17,185
All right.
331
00:11:17,285 --> 00:11:18,719
All right.
332
00:11:18,819 --> 00:11:20,721
Either, either Ritchie has made up this whole silly story,
333
00:11:20,821 --> 00:11:23,724
or it's the Gumhead Godfrey story all over again.
334
00:11:23,824 --> 00:11:25,059
Who's Gumhead Godfrey?
335
00:11:25,159 --> 00:11:28,596
Well, he's just a rotten kid
that I went to high school with.
337
00:11:28,696 --> 00:11:30,598
You know, he secretly put chewing gum in our hair.
338
00:11:30,698 --> 00:11:31,866
Secretly?
339
00:11:31,966 --> 00:11:34,302
Well, he put it in our caps when we weren't looking.
340
00:11:34,402 --> 00:11:35,703
So what's that got to do with Ritchie?
341
00:11:35,803 --> 00:11:39,674
Well, one day Gumhead got me, ruined my pompadour.
342
00:11:39,774 --> 00:11:44,145
I beat him up, and I told him if he told
who did it I'd beat him up even worse.
344
00:11:44,245 --> 00:11:45,713
[doorbell chimes]
345
00:11:45,813 --> 00:11:49,216
So you think that some tough boy beat Ritchie
up and then made him promise not to tell.
347
00:11:49,317 --> 00:11:50,751
That's all I can figure.
348
00:11:50,851 --> 00:11:53,921
Rob, I know when my son's lying and he's not about this.
349
00:11:54,021 --> 00:11:55,223
- Huh. - Hi.
350
00:11:55,323 --> 00:11:56,524
- Hi. - Hi, Mil.
351
00:11:56,624 --> 00:11:59,160
Hey listen, did you guys find
out who's beating up Ritchie yet?
353
00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:00,328
Well, we thought we did.
354
00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:01,529
Well, I know.
355
00:12:01,629 --> 00:12:04,165
Now, I don't want to butt in, but I
think I ought to tell you. - Who is it?
357
00:12:04,265 --> 00:12:05,800
- Guess. - Oh, Millie!
358
00:12:05,900 --> 00:12:07,101
Priscilla Darwell.
359
00:12:07,201 --> 00:12:08,603
How do you know?
360
00:12:08,703 --> 00:12:10,838
Well, my Freddy was there and he saw the whole fight.
361
00:12:10,938 --> 00:12:13,107
Well, there goes the Gumhead Godfrey theory.
362
00:12:13,207 --> 00:12:15,343
And I'm glad to see it go.
363
00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:16,410
Who's Gumhead Godfrey.
364
00:12:16,510 --> 00:12:17,378
How do you like that.
365
00:12:17,478 --> 00:12:18,613
He was telling the truth.
366
00:12:18,713 --> 00:12:21,882
And I hope you're ashamed of yourself
for thinking your own son's a liar.
368
00:12:21,983 --> 00:12:22,783
I am, honey.
369
00:12:22,883 --> 00:12:23,751
Who's Gumhead Godfrey?
370
00:12:23,851 --> 00:12:25,152
I'll have to speak to Ogden again.
371
00:12:25,252 --> 00:12:26,654
Good.
372
00:12:26,754 --> 00:12:27,622
Maybe you can go over there tomorrow and talk to him.
373
00:12:27,722 --> 00:12:28,823
Who's Ogden?
374
00:12:28,923 --> 00:12:33,327
Boy, I hate to admit it, that little
blue-eyed miniature Ma Barker fooled me!
376
00:12:33,427 --> 00:12:35,129
Who's Ma Barker?
377
00:12:35,229 --> 00:12:38,499
[music playing]
378
00:12:38,599 --> 00:12:42,536
Boy, I'd sure like to help you, Rob, but every
time I think about this little girl beating
380
00:12:42,637 --> 00:12:45,106
up your kid it breaks me up.
381
00:12:45,206 --> 00:12:46,440
Breaks you up, huh.
382
00:12:46,540 --> 00:12:47,642
That a little girl can beat up a little boy?
383
00:12:47,742 --> 00:12:48,676
Yeah.
384
00:12:48,776 --> 00:12:49,610
What kind of sense of humor is that?
385
00:12:49,710 --> 00:12:52,413
Perverted.
386
00:12:52,513 --> 00:12:54,815
Would be kind of funny if it wasn't so serious.
387
00:12:54,915 --> 00:12:57,752
Rob, why don't you just come out and tell this Darwell guy?
388
00:12:57,852 --> 00:13:01,489
Well, how do you tell an English gentleman
that his little girl is a bully and a liar.
390
00:13:01,589 --> 00:13:03,224
You say, (FAKES ENGLISH ACCENT) here, here governor.
391
00:13:03,324 --> 00:13:04,859
Your daughter is a bully and a liar.
392
00:13:08,696 --> 00:13:14,201
Do you ever notice that when Buddy has
absolutely nothing to say, he usually says it.
394
00:13:14,301 --> 00:13:16,003
Well, but first time with an accent.
395
00:13:16,103 --> 00:13:18,205
You know, I think you're making a whole thing out of nothing.
396
00:13:18,305 --> 00:13:19,407
Well, so what.
397
00:13:19,507 --> 00:13:20,741
A lot, a lot of girls hit little boys.
398
00:13:20,841 --> 00:13:23,210
Gee, when I was a little kid there was
one girl beating me up all the time.
400
00:13:23,310 --> 00:13:24,145
Really?
401
00:13:24,245 --> 00:13:26,147
My mother.
402
00:13:26,247 --> 00:13:27,081
Cut it out, Ma.
403
00:13:27,181 --> 00:13:28,049
Oh, come on.
404
00:13:28,149 --> 00:13:29,016
[phone rings]
405
00:13:29,116 --> 00:13:30,284
Hey, bet that's Ogden.
406
00:13:30,384 --> 00:13:31,185
You better British up.
407
00:13:31,285 --> 00:13:32,119
Yeah.
408
00:13:32,219 --> 00:13:33,054
Hello.
409
00:13:33,154 --> 00:13:34,121
Oh hi, honey.
410
00:13:34,221 --> 00:13:35,456
Honey?
411
00:13:35,556 --> 00:13:38,192
Well, I knew we were friendly with
England but that's ridiculous.
413
00:13:38,292 --> 00:13:39,126
Yeah.
414
00:13:39,226 --> 00:13:42,196
Listen, how's Rich?
415
00:13:42,296 --> 00:13:44,298
Priscilla again!
416
00:13:44,398 --> 00:13:45,800
Oh, doggone it.
417
00:13:45,900 --> 00:13:49,036
We gotta do something about that little league mugger.
418
00:13:49,136 --> 00:13:50,271
Good idea, honey.
419
00:13:50,371 --> 00:13:51,972
No, I agree with you.
420
00:13:52,073 --> 00:13:53,374
Go right ahead.
421
00:13:53,474 --> 00:13:54,709
Fine, just call me back.
422
00:13:54,809 --> 00:13:55,643
All right.
423
00:13:55,743 --> 00:13:57,611
Bye.
424
00:13:57,712 --> 00:13:58,879
Well, my problem's solved.
425
00:13:58,979 --> 00:14:00,147
I don't have to say anything to Darwell.
426
00:14:00,247 --> 00:14:01,148
Why?
427
00:14:01,248 --> 00:14:02,983
Cause Laura's gonna do it.
428
00:14:03,084 --> 00:14:06,387
And little Ritchie came home and said Prissy hit him?
429
00:14:06,487 --> 00:14:07,788
That's right, Mrs. Darwell.
430
00:14:07,888 --> 00:14:12,460
It's happened several times now so I'm
a little upset about the whole thing.
432
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:14,695
Well, you have every right to be upset.
433
00:14:14,795 --> 00:14:17,264
Oh, I'm so glad you feel that way.
434
00:14:17,364 --> 00:14:19,133
I was afraid you wouldn't understand.
435
00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:21,435
Well, of course I understand.
436
00:14:21,535 --> 00:14:25,639
Lying in a boy Ritchie's age can be very serious.
437
00:14:25,740 --> 00:14:26,741
Lying?
438
00:14:26,841 --> 00:14:29,343
But if I were you, I wouldn't punish him.
439
00:14:29,443 --> 00:14:31,812
Sometimes a few sweets work wonders.
440
00:14:31,912 --> 00:14:33,214
Sweets.
441
00:14:33,314 --> 00:14:37,251
Uh, Mrs. Darwell, I don't think you understand why I came here.
442
00:14:37,351 --> 00:14:41,322
Oh, to talk about Ritchie and find
out why he's lying about my Prissy.
444
00:14:41,422 --> 00:14:42,723
No, no.
445
00:14:42,823 --> 00:14:47,261
No, to talk about Priss-, Priscilla,
and find out why she's beating up my son.
447
00:14:47,361 --> 00:14:52,299
Oh, my little girl doesn't beat up anyone, Mrs. Petrie.
448
00:14:52,399 --> 00:14:57,037
Your husband was over the other night
and, uh, she told him she didn't do it.
450
00:14:57,138 --> 00:15:03,310
Mrs. Darwell, I don't quite know how to say
this to you, but your daughter is lying.
452
00:15:03,411 --> 00:15:05,513
That kid doesn't lie.
453
00:15:08,315 --> 00:15:13,687
You see, one of my neighbor's children
saw her hit Ritchie, Mrs. Darwell.
455
00:15:13,788 --> 00:15:17,725
I don't think this bickering will get us anywhere.
456
00:15:17,825 --> 00:15:23,197
Well, I don't like to argue either, but
I, I, maybe if I could talk to Priscilla.
458
00:15:23,297 --> 00:15:24,598
Why?
459
00:15:24,698 --> 00:15:28,702
Well, because you and I aren't settling
anything-- Mrs. Petrie, young mothers like you
461
00:15:28,803 --> 00:15:32,873
often have problems with their
children, but don't worry, they grow up.
463
00:15:32,973 --> 00:15:33,641
[timer buzzes]
464
00:15:33,741 --> 00:15:35,075
Oh, my Yorkshire pudding.
465
00:15:35,176 --> 00:15:38,445
Do let out, dear.
466
00:15:38,546 --> 00:15:42,283
Mrs. D-, Uh.
467
00:15:42,383 --> 00:15:43,984
Oh, uh, hello there.
468
00:15:44,084 --> 00:15:46,987
Uh, Mr. Darwell?
469
00:15:47,087 --> 00:15:49,690
Yes, are you, uh, waiting for me or my wife?
470
00:15:49,790 --> 00:15:51,592
Uh, no, uh, your wife.
471
00:15:51,692 --> 00:15:53,360
Oh, well, uh, hang on a sec, would you.
472
00:15:53,460 --> 00:15:57,898
Well, I-- Hello, uh, Dolly.
473
00:16:02,837 --> 00:16:06,440
Uh, I'm alone in here with a very attractive young lady.
474
00:16:06,540 --> 00:16:09,710
Oh, is she still here?
475
00:16:09,810 --> 00:16:14,281
Yes, I'm still here, Mrs.
Darwell, but I, I won't be back.
477
00:16:14,381 --> 00:16:19,420
Now if you and your husband can't keep your daughter
from beating up my son, then my husband and I will
479
00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:20,821
have to handle it ourselves.
480
00:16:20,921 --> 00:16:22,890
Oh, you must be Mrs. Petrie, what.
481
00:16:22,990 --> 00:16:24,959
Well, I thought the whole matter was settled, you know.
482
00:16:25,059 --> 00:16:25,926
It is all settled.
483
00:16:26,026 --> 00:16:27,862
Now don't say another word, Oggie.
484
00:16:27,962 --> 00:16:31,131
Mrs. Petrie seems to think we
teach our daughter to hit people.
486
00:16:31,232 --> 00:16:35,736
Well,
my dear-- Don't argue with her.
487
00:16:35,836 --> 00:16:43,744
I've tried to be friendly and help her, but
with some people you just can't be nice.
489
00:16:43,844 --> 00:16:45,145
Nice!
490
00:16:45,246 --> 00:16:51,318
Mrs. Darwell, you may not be the rudest person I
have ever met, but you are certainly in the top two.
492
00:16:51,418 --> 00:16:53,554
[music playing]
493
00:16:55,456 --> 00:16:58,759
Some people are very attractive when they're angry.
494
00:16:58,859 --> 00:16:59,793
Oh.
495
00:17:02,563 --> 00:17:03,764
Not her though.
496
00:17:07,001 --> 00:17:10,905
So it's obvious the Darwells aren't going
to do anything about this problem, which
498
00:17:11,005 --> 00:17:12,840
leaves it entirely up to us.
499
00:17:12,940 --> 00:17:14,909
And which leaves poor little Ritchie right in the middle.
500
00:17:15,009 --> 00:17:18,779
If he doesn't fight back Priscilla is going to
murder him, and he knows if he hits her back we'll
502
00:17:18,879 --> 00:17:20,614
punish him for hitting a girl.
503
00:17:20,714 --> 00:17:22,182
But we've tried everything else, honey.
504
00:17:22,283 --> 00:17:24,718
I think the only thing left to do is let him hit her back.
505
00:17:24,818 --> 00:17:26,954
Oh Rob, is that really the only way?
506
00:17:27,054 --> 00:17:28,088
Well, yeah.
507
00:17:28,188 --> 00:17:29,423
If you, unless you want to have a free for all.
508
00:17:29,523 --> 00:17:31,892
You and me against Ogden and Dolly.
509
00:17:31,992 --> 00:17:33,193
Oh, no.
510
00:17:33,294 --> 00:17:34,595
Hit a girl.
511
00:17:34,695 --> 00:17:36,964
You mean, actually give him permission to hit her.
512
00:17:37,064 --> 00:17:40,734
We'll tell him this is very special
permission for the one occasion.
514
00:17:40,834 --> 00:17:42,069
Well, I guess it's the only thing we can do.
515
00:17:42,169 --> 00:17:42,836
Yeah, it is.
516
00:17:42,937 --> 00:17:44,371
Call him out and tell him.
517
00:17:44,471 --> 00:17:45,306
Me?
518
00:17:45,406 --> 00:17:46,607
Why me?
519
00:17:46,707 --> 00:17:51,045
Well honey, it's a mother's place
to tell a little boy to hit a girl.
521
00:17:51,145 --> 00:17:53,047
What makes it a mother's place?
522
00:17:53,147 --> 00:17:56,350
The father who tells the mother that it's her place.
523
00:17:56,450 --> 00:17:57,418
Darling, please do it.
524
00:17:57,518 --> 00:17:58,552
I just can't.
525
00:17:58,652 --> 00:18:00,321
All right, call your son out here.
526
00:18:00,421 --> 00:18:01,755
Ritchie.
527
00:18:01,855 --> 00:18:03,223
What do you want, Mom?
528
00:18:03,324 --> 00:18:06,360
Uh, honey, Daddy wants to talk to you for a minute.
529
00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:07,361
Sit down, son.
530
00:18:09,930 --> 00:18:12,066
Rich, uh, Priscilla is still hitting you for no reason, huh?
531
00:18:12,166 --> 00:18:13,033
Uh-huh.
532
00:18:13,133 --> 00:18:14,969
And you can't, you can't avoid her?
533
00:18:15,069 --> 00:18:16,270
No.
534
00:18:16,370 --> 00:18:19,173
Well Rich, the next time she starts to hit you I want,
535
00:18:19,273 --> 00:18:22,443
want you to tell her if she does you're gonna hit her back.
536
00:18:22,543 --> 00:18:26,046
I always tell her that, Daddy, but she knows I won't do it.
537
00:18:26,146 --> 00:18:29,817
All right, but you tell her this time that
if she's gonna hit you your father gave you
539
00:18:29,917 --> 00:18:31,652
permission to defend yourself.
540
00:18:31,752 --> 00:18:33,020
You mean, I can hit her?
541
00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:34,588
Well, yeah.
542
00:18:34,688 --> 00:18:35,923
Oh, boy!
543
00:18:36,023 --> 00:18:39,226
Ritchie, you don't have to be so happy about it.
544
00:18:39,326 --> 00:18:41,929
Oh, boy.
545
00:18:42,029 --> 00:18:44,565
Now Rich, I want you to understand one thing.
546
00:18:44,665 --> 00:18:47,301
Your mother and I have agreed that this is special permission
547
00:18:47,401 --> 00:18:51,538
for this one special occasion, and only if she starts it Rich.
548
00:18:51,639 --> 00:18:54,541
Anything else we ever said about being a gentleman still holds.
549
00:18:54,641 --> 00:18:55,876
I understand, Daddy.
550
00:18:55,976 --> 00:18:57,311
Boy, am I gonna give it to her.
551
00:18:57,411 --> 00:18:59,046
Ritchie.
552
00:18:59,146 --> 00:18:59,880
Oh, yeah.
553
00:18:59,980 --> 00:19:02,216
Boy, am I gonna give it to her.
554
00:19:02,316 --> 00:19:04,218
[music playing]
555
00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:07,755
- Oh, hi. - Hi.
556
00:19:07,855 --> 00:19:09,056
I came home early.
557
00:19:09,156 --> 00:19:09,957
Is Rich home?
558
00:19:10,057 --> 00:19:11,258
No.
559
00:19:11,358 --> 00:19:14,895
Well, I was just kind of anxious,
you know, to see-- Go ahead. Say it.
561
00:19:14,995 --> 00:19:19,500
Well, I wanted to know if our rough tough son would
take our advice and rip a little girl to shreds.
563
00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:20,634
Oh, god.
564
00:19:20,734 --> 00:19:22,669
You didn't have to say it that way.
565
00:19:22,770 --> 00:19:24,705
We did tell him not to hit her hard.
566
00:19:24,805 --> 00:19:29,009
I haven't felt so guilty since I
gave Buddy a joke to insult Mel with.
568
00:19:29,109 --> 00:19:30,344
And I shouldn't feel guilty should I?
569
00:19:30,444 --> 00:19:35,716
No, Ritchie tried to turn the other
cheek but she scratched both of them.
571
00:19:35,816 --> 00:19:41,455
Rob, what happens if Ritchie hits
her and she still beats him up?
573
00:19:41,555 --> 00:19:43,090
Honey, she couldn't do that.
574
00:19:43,190 --> 00:19:44,958
I mean, Ritchie's pretty good.
575
00:19:45,059 --> 00:19:46,627
You know, she's just a little girl.
576
00:19:46,727 --> 00:19:49,963
I taught Rich-- we have another problem.
577
00:19:52,266 --> 00:19:56,036
Well, I don't know whether I want him
to come home the conquering hero or not.
579
00:19:56,136 --> 00:19:57,538
You don't want to lose do you?
580
00:19:57,638 --> 00:20:00,007
I don't know what I want.
581
00:20:00,107 --> 00:20:01,175
It's late.
582
00:20:01,275 --> 00:20:02,376
Do you think maybe I ought to call the school?
583
00:20:02,476 --> 00:20:03,911
Oh honey, no, you can't.
584
00:20:04,011 --> 00:20:08,215
Only thing we can do is sit here and wait.
585
00:20:08,315 --> 00:20:09,716
I'm gonna drive over by the school.
586
00:20:09,817 --> 00:20:12,152
I'm wanna come.
587
00:20:12,252 --> 00:20:13,153
Hi, Rich!
588
00:20:13,253 --> 00:20:14,088
It's Rich!
589
00:20:14,188 --> 00:20:15,089
Yeah, hi!
590
00:20:15,189 --> 00:20:16,223
Bye, I'm gonna go play with Freddy.
591
00:20:16,323 --> 00:20:17,891
Hold it!
592
00:20:17,991 --> 00:20:23,230
Uh, gee you look, uh, pretty good
son, hardly a mark on you there.
594
00:20:23,330 --> 00:20:25,265
I guess you didn't see Priscilla, huh?
595
00:20:25,365 --> 00:20:26,667
Yeah, I did.
596
00:20:26,767 --> 00:20:28,335
Well, did she, did she try to hit you?
597
00:20:28,435 --> 00:20:29,670
Uh-huh.
598
00:20:29,770 --> 00:20:31,472
And then you told her you'd hit her back, huh?
599
00:20:31,572 --> 00:20:32,973
Uh-huh.
600
00:20:33,073 --> 00:20:34,441
Yeah, I'll bet that scared her and she ran away, huh?
601
00:20:34,541 --> 00:20:35,809
No.
602
00:20:35,909 --> 00:20:37,277
She socked me in the throat.
603
00:20:37,377 --> 00:20:40,147
She, she socked you in your throat!
604
00:20:40,247 --> 00:20:41,648
Yeah, here.
605
00:20:41,748 --> 00:20:45,185
Well, so then you--
No, I didn't.
606
00:20:45,285 --> 00:20:46,153
What did you do?
607
00:20:46,253 --> 00:20:47,554
I kissed her.
608
00:20:47,654 --> 00:20:49,022
- You kissed her! - Uh-huh.
609
00:20:49,123 --> 00:20:50,557
Can I go play with Freddy? - Wait a minute.
610
00:20:50,657 --> 00:20:51,492
Wait.
611
00:20:51,592 --> 00:20:52,960
You didn't hit her?
612
00:20:53,060 --> 00:20:55,729
I tried to give her a punch, but I can't hit a girl.
613
00:20:55,829 --> 00:20:57,564
So you kissed her?
614
00:20:57,664 --> 00:20:58,866
She asked me to.
615
00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:00,567
She asked you to.
616
00:21:00,667 --> 00:21:01,835
She asks me every day.
617
00:21:01,935 --> 00:21:04,138
She says, kiss me or I'll hit you.
618
00:21:06,473 --> 00:21:10,477
Ritchie, is that why she's been hitting
you because you wouldn't kiss her?
620
00:21:10,577 --> 00:21:11,411
I guess so.
621
00:21:11,512 --> 00:21:12,412
I'll be darned.
622
00:21:12,513 --> 00:21:13,380
She said she loved Ritchie.
623
00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:14,648
I guess she does.
624
00:21:14,748 --> 00:21:16,517
Well Rich, why didn't you tell us this?
625
00:21:16,617 --> 00:21:17,684
Oh, I forgot.
626
00:21:17,784 --> 00:21:18,752
You forgot?
627
00:21:18,852 --> 00:21:21,021
Rob, wait a minute.
628
00:21:21,121 --> 00:21:23,590
Honey, was is it that you didn't wanna tell us?
629
00:21:23,690 --> 00:21:24,491
I guess so.
630
00:21:24,591 --> 00:21:26,059
Well, why Rich?
631
00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:28,562
Oh, it's too icky to tell.
632
00:21:28,662 --> 00:21:30,764
I never kissed a girl before.
633
00:21:30,864 --> 00:21:31,965
Well, you kiss Mommy.
634
00:21:32,065 --> 00:21:32,866
That's not the same.
635
00:21:32,966 --> 00:21:33,934
Well, yes it is.
636
00:21:34,034 --> 00:21:34,902
No, it isn't.
637
00:21:35,002 --> 00:21:37,337
Don't confuse him, honey.
638
00:21:37,437 --> 00:21:40,207
Rich, what happened when you kissed her?
639
00:21:40,307 --> 00:21:41,308
It worked good.
640
00:21:41,408 --> 00:21:42,810
She said I kiss dopey.
641
00:21:42,910 --> 00:21:44,411
You kiss dopey?
642
00:21:44,511 --> 00:21:46,580
Isn't that great?
643
00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:47,514
I guess so.
644
00:21:47,614 --> 00:21:49,883
I'm glad I kiss dopey.
645
00:21:49,983 --> 00:21:51,585
Can I go play with Freddy?
646
00:21:51,685 --> 00:21:54,488
Yeah honey, go ahead.
647
00:21:54,588 --> 00:21:55,689
What happened?
648
00:21:55,789 --> 00:21:57,958
I don't know.
649
00:21:58,058 --> 00:21:59,993
I guess it's all over, huh?
650
00:22:00,093 --> 00:22:01,895
How do you kiss dopey?
651
00:22:01,995 --> 00:22:03,263
Don't you know how to kiss dopey?
652
00:22:03,363 --> 00:22:04,198
No.
653
00:22:04,298 --> 00:22:05,532
I'll show you how to kiss dopey.
654
00:22:05,632 --> 00:22:06,600
Come here. - Oh, Rob.
655
00:22:10,204 --> 00:22:13,006
Millie, if you do see him will you send him right home?
656
00:22:13,106 --> 00:22:16,510
No, it's just that whenever he comes
home late he comes home bloody.
658
00:22:16,610 --> 00:22:19,012
The later the bloodier.
659
00:22:19,112 --> 00:22:19,947
Hang on just a second.
660
00:22:20,047 --> 00:22:21,582
I think I hear him.
661
00:22:21,682 --> 00:22:23,717
No, it's just Rob.
662
00:22:23,817 --> 00:22:24,718
Just Rob?
663
00:22:24,818 --> 00:22:26,520
I'll call you back, Millie.
664
00:22:26,620 --> 00:22:28,021
- Hi, honey. - Hi.
665
00:22:28,121 --> 00:22:29,423
What's the matter?
666
00:22:29,523 --> 00:22:31,592
Rob, Ritchie was supposed to be home an hour ago.
667
00:22:31,692 --> 00:22:33,126
Well, it's still early.
668
00:22:33,227 --> 00:22:36,797
Yeah, I know, except that I told him to come right
home from school because I wanted him to take a bath
670
00:22:36,897 --> 00:22:38,432
and I wanted to shampoo his hair.
671
00:22:38,532 --> 00:22:39,266
Bath and shampoo.
672
00:22:39,366 --> 00:22:40,367
He may never come home, honey.
673
00:22:40,467 --> 00:22:41,835
Yeah.
674
00:22:41,935 --> 00:22:43,870
Run for the bathroom if you value your life.
675
00:22:43,971 --> 00:22:47,908
Ritchie, come here this mi--
Ritchie, you're bleeding.
677
00:22:48,008 --> 00:22:49,276
Have you been fighting again?
678
00:22:49,376 --> 00:22:50,978
Ritchie, with whom? What about?
679
00:22:51,078 --> 00:22:52,179
Priscilla.
680
00:22:52,279 --> 00:22:53,380
You've been fighting with Priscilla?
681
00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:55,482
No, about Priscilla.
682
00:22:55,582 --> 00:22:56,950
What?
683
00:22:57,050 --> 00:23:00,153
She told three guys that I kissed her so
they call me a sissy and I beat them up.
685
00:23:00,254 --> 00:23:01,622
You, uh, you beat three guys up?
686
00:23:01,722 --> 00:23:02,589
Rob!
687
00:23:02,689 --> 00:23:03,590
Ritchie, that's terrible.
688
00:23:06,360 --> 00:23:07,995
That rotten old Priscilla.
689
00:23:08,095 --> 00:23:09,296
I hate her.
690
00:23:09,396 --> 00:23:12,432
Rich, I want you to understand and
listen to what I'm saying to you now.
692
00:23:12,532 --> 00:23:18,605
Someday when you're a big boy, some girl is gonna
want to kiss you and you're not gonna hate her,
694
00:23:18,705 --> 00:23:21,008
and she's gonna kiss you and you're gonna like it.
695
00:23:21,108 --> 00:23:22,376
I like it now.
696
00:23:22,476 --> 00:23:23,744
You do?
697
00:23:23,844 --> 00:23:26,280
Yeah, it's fun.
698
00:23:26,380 --> 00:23:30,484
I just hate Priscilla for telling everybody.
699
00:23:30,584 --> 00:23:32,286
Come on, Rich.
700
00:23:32,386 --> 00:23:36,256
Uh, honey, I think that boy's old
enough to shampoo his own hair.
702
00:23:39,459 --> 00:23:44,564
[MUSIC PLAYING - EARLE HAGEN, "THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW THEME"]
45282
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