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1
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[theme music]
2
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show."
3
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Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey
Amsterdam, Larry Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
5
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[laughter]
6
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Quiet, you guys.
7
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If you're laughing, this guy will hear you.
8
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It'll spoil everything. - Shh.
9
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Let me hook up the phone.
10
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I want to make sure so we can play the
tape back later when he's all through.
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Don't you know that wiretapping is illegal?
13
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It's OK.
14
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If you don't turn us in, nobody will know.
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Hello.
16
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Madam Guy's Flower Shop.
17
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Good.
18
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I called you because you're the biggest flower shop in town.
19
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Do you have any cooking chrysanthemums?
20
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I'm with the State Department, and we're
throwing a big dinner for the Shah of Zolzai.
22
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That's right the Zolzai Shah.
23
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[laughs]
24
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If the shah doesn't get his chrysanthemum stew, it
might mean the break up of diplomatic relations.
26
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You don't have any cooking chrysanthemums?
27
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Well, nuts to the shah.
28
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We'll give him a hot dog.
29
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That's beautiful.
30
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Hey, Buddy.
31
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Let's play it back. - Yeah.
32
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Yeah Yeah. No, wait a minute.
33
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I'll do another one. - Now look.
34
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Will you stop tying up my phone with that nonsense?
35
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Some guy might be trying to call me to elope.
36
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All right.
37
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Then instead I got a treat for everybody.
38
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Oh, you're going home?
39
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Mel, I forgot you were here.
40
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Now, we can play pin the tail on the donkey.
41
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Hey, Buddy, do another one.
42
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No, no, no, no.
43
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Instead, my pal Phil Franklin is going to make the next call.
44
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Hey!
45
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Now, for the uninformed, Phil is by day my accountant,
and by night the greatest practical joker
47
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in the business. - Thank you.
48
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Thank you.
49
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Now, what shall it be?
50
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Shall I call the pet shop or the corset shop?
51
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Hey, call Rob.
52
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Rob who?
53
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Rob Petrie, my pal. Go ahead.
54
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Oh, yeah, yeah. OK.
55
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What should I do?
56
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Do the one that I tried on you.
57
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Oh yeah, yeah.
58
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The telephone repairman.
59
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This is a lulu.
60
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You know, the phone company is probably
going to come out and rip out my area code.
62
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Sal, come on.
63
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You're pooping your own party. - Yeah.
64
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What party?
65
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I should have held this one in a phone booth.
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Now, look. Nobody laugh.
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You understand?
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No matter what happens,
I'll play the tapes back for you later.
70
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OK?
71
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You want some chopped liver?
72
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Sally, will you stop hostessing?
73
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All right. I'm out of it.
74
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I am too. I'll eat your liver.
75
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[phone ringing]
76
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Oh, Rob.
77
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I've got to see the ending.
78
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Would you get it please?
79
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Well, honey.
80
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I want to see the end of it myself.
81
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Hold on.
82
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[gunfire on tv]
83
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They shot all the suspects.
84
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Who did it?
85
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The victim.
86
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I might have known he wasn't dead.
87
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Well, it's a cheap-- that's it.
88
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I'm calling the network.
89
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That is the worst.
90
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You want some coffee?
91
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Yeah.
92
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Hello.
93
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I'm sorry I kept you waiting.
94
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PHIL (ON PHONE): Oh, that's all right.
95
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Is this New Rochelle 69970?
96
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Yes, it is.
97
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Who's this?
98
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Mr. Murdoch, emergency repair division.
99
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Are you Mr. Petrie? - That's right.
100
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What can I do for you?
101
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Say, have you used your telephone
within the last hour or so?
103
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Uh, no, as a matter of fact, I haven't.
104
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Why?
105
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[giggles] Mr. Petrie, some people have called us
and said they tried to reach you and reported
107
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your telephone out of order.
108
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Really?
109
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Seems to be working all right now.
110
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Well, that's what we're checking on, sir.
111
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Well, thank you very much.
112
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It seems to be all right now.
113
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Well, it's probably an overcrowded trunk line.
114
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Yeah, probably.
115
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PHIL (ON PHONE): If you have any
trouble just get in touch with Murdoch.
117
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That's me.
118
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Murdoch in the service division.
119
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All right.
120
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You bet.
121
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Bye. Uh.
122
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Mr. Murdoch, you still there?
123
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PHIL (ON PHONE): Yes.
124
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What's that noise?
125
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What noise?
126
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[tapping]
127
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Well, it's like a tapping or clicking, or something.
128
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Don't you hear it?
129
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Gee.
130
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I sure don't.
131
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It's sure not on this end.
132
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I see.
133
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Could you describe it to me?
134
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Well, it's just a tapping.
135
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I see.
136
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What does it sound like?
137
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ROB (ON PHONE): Well--
dah, dah, dah.
138
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Dah-- it's-- this may be a little crazy, Mr. Murdoch.
139
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It sounds like the Battle Hymn of the Republic.
140
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You know, (HUMMING) dah, dah, dah, dah, dah.
141
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Dah, dah, dah.
142
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Yes, I know.
143
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I know the Battle Hymn of the Republic.
144
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ROB (ON PHONE): [laughs] This is a little crazy.
145
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No, not really.
146
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Electrical impulses have definite rhythms, you know?
147
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Well, listen.
148
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I certainly don't want this noise on my phone.
149
00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:21,669
PHIL (ON PHONE): Of course,
you don't want that noise on your phone.
151
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Would you mind trying something?
152
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It might save us a trip.
153
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ROB (ON PHONE): Sure.
154
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Hold the receiver in your right hand.
155
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As I assume you are now.
156
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Well, no.
157
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I'm left-handed.
158
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PHIL (ON PHONE): Well, that's just as good.
159
00:04:32,981 --> 00:04:37,085
Now, with-- with the other hand pick up the
base of the instrument and shake it vigorously
161
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while holding it above your head.
162
00:04:39,387 --> 00:04:41,389
What-- what is that going to do?
163
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It will jar your 2246.
164
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My 2246?
165
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Yeah, your audio filament.
166
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[tapping]
167
00:04:51,566 --> 00:04:52,400
How am I doing?
168
00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:53,434
Fine, fine.
169
00:04:53,535 --> 00:04:54,369
Just keep on going.
170
00:04:54,469 --> 00:04:55,603
Keep going.
171
00:04:55,703 --> 00:04:57,071
Hey, I think it stopped.
172
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PHIL (ON PHONE): Keep going.
173
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Keep on doing that.
174
00:05:00,975 --> 00:05:02,010
Darling?
175
00:05:02,110 --> 00:05:02,710
Hm?
176
00:05:02,811 --> 00:05:03,678
What are you doing?
177
00:05:03,778 --> 00:05:08,683
Oh, I'm jar-- jarring the
double-- the filament, honey.
179
00:05:08,783 --> 00:05:09,751
The phone's out of order.
180
00:05:09,851 --> 00:05:11,119
I'm just talking to a repairman.
181
00:05:11,219 --> 00:05:12,787
Hello there. What's happening?
182
00:05:12,887 --> 00:05:14,856
Oh, I'm sorry. Uh-- [tapping]
183
00:05:14,956 --> 00:05:17,692
Hey, I think it's back.
184
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What do I do now? - Well, nothing.
185
00:05:19,093 --> 00:05:20,662
But thanks for trying. We'll send a man over.
186
00:05:20,762 --> 00:05:23,164
Goodbye. Except-- Except what?
187
00:05:23,264 --> 00:05:24,399
--well, I'd hate to trouble you.
188
00:05:24,499 --> 00:05:25,700
But if we can try just one more thing.
189
00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:26,868
ROB (ON PHONE): What is it?
190
00:05:26,968 --> 00:05:31,039
Well, if you notice the earpiece
unscrews counterclockwise.
192
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Uh.
193
00:05:31,906 --> 00:05:32,807
Yeah.
194
00:05:32,907 --> 00:05:34,075
Well, unscrew the earpiece.
195
00:05:34,175 --> 00:05:38,546
Sometimes the lead and terminal wires
get unhooked, or loose as we say.
197
00:05:41,382 --> 00:05:41,983
OK.
198
00:05:42,083 --> 00:05:43,218
Just a second.
199
00:05:45,119 --> 00:05:46,588
OK. It's off.
200
00:05:46,688 --> 00:05:47,622
Good. Good.
201
00:05:47,722 --> 00:05:50,058
Now pull out the audio sensor.
202
00:05:50,158 --> 00:05:50,859
Uh.
203
00:05:50,959 --> 00:05:52,393
Is that a little round disc?
204
00:05:52,493 --> 00:05:53,228
Say, sir.
205
00:05:53,328 --> 00:05:55,129
You sure know your telephone.
206
00:05:59,167 --> 00:06:04,272
Well, the-- the lead and the
terminal wire just seem to be fine.
208
00:06:04,372 --> 00:06:05,173
I still hear it.
209
00:06:05,273 --> 00:06:06,241
Uh-huh.
210
00:06:06,341 --> 00:06:07,408
Well, now try the mouthpiece. - Uh, OK.
211
00:06:07,508 --> 00:06:08,443
Just a second.
212
00:06:13,181 --> 00:06:14,315
OK.
213
00:06:14,415 --> 00:06:15,483
It's off.
214
00:06:15,583 --> 00:06:16,684
PHIL (ON PHONE): Uh-huh.
215
00:06:16,784 --> 00:06:17,685
Now, take out the other round disc.
216
00:06:17,785 --> 00:06:18,319
Will you? - Yeah.
217
00:06:18,419 --> 00:06:19,187
Yeah.
218
00:06:21,923 --> 00:06:23,024
Uh.
219
00:06:27,061 --> 00:06:28,363
It's off now.
220
00:06:28,463 --> 00:06:30,965
It was off, but it's on again, so you can hear me.
221
00:06:31,065 --> 00:06:33,501
But to all intents and purposes, it's off.
222
00:06:33,601 --> 00:06:34,402
Good.
223
00:06:34,502 --> 00:06:35,136
Good.
224
00:06:35,236 --> 00:06:36,871
Uh, now, do you hear it?
225
00:06:36,971 --> 00:06:37,939
No. No.
226
00:06:38,039 --> 00:06:39,407
I think we did it. - Good.
227
00:06:39,507 --> 00:06:40,041
Good. Good.
228
00:06:40,141 --> 00:06:41,442
That's wonderful.
229
00:06:41,542 --> 00:06:44,345
Now, now, lay it all on the table in front
of you for a few seconds, will you? - Right.
231
00:06:44,445 --> 00:06:45,380
Right.
232
00:06:53,488 --> 00:06:54,622
What do I do now?
233
00:06:54,722 --> 00:06:55,657
All right.
234
00:06:55,757 --> 00:06:57,258
Now, now, turn the base over.
235
00:06:57,358 --> 00:06:59,560
Now, you see that little grill?
236
00:06:59,661 --> 00:07:00,495
Yeah.
237
00:07:00,595 --> 00:07:01,729
Yeah.
238
00:07:01,829 --> 00:07:03,865
Now, there may be a little dust on your loud soft.
239
00:07:03,965 --> 00:07:04,932
Loud soft?
240
00:07:05,033 --> 00:07:05,800
PHIL (ON PHONE): Yeah. Yeah.
241
00:07:05,900 --> 00:07:06,701
The modulator.
242
00:07:06,801 --> 00:07:07,869
Just blow hard on it.
243
00:07:07,969 --> 00:07:09,203
There might be some dust in there.
244
00:07:09,304 --> 00:07:10,338
Well, I don't understand.
245
00:07:10,438 --> 00:07:11,873
How could that cause the tapping?
246
00:07:11,973 --> 00:07:16,377
Gee, Mr. Petrie, if we knew the answer to that,
we could save the telephone company millions.
248
00:07:16,477 --> 00:07:18,680
OK.
249
00:07:18,780 --> 00:07:20,748
[blows] How's that?
250
00:07:20,848 --> 00:07:22,050
Just keep blowing.
251
00:07:22,150 --> 00:07:23,618
He's got the phone apart on the table, Buddy.
252
00:07:23,718 --> 00:07:24,886
You're a genius.
253
00:07:24,986 --> 00:07:28,523
[blowing]
254
00:07:29,891 --> 00:07:30,758
PHIL (ON PHONE): Keep going.
255
00:07:30,858 --> 00:07:32,126
Blow on the bottom.
256
00:07:32,226 --> 00:07:33,728
What are you doing now?
257
00:07:33,828 --> 00:07:35,963
Blowing on the phone, honey.
258
00:07:36,064 --> 00:07:38,833
[blowing]
259
00:07:38,933 --> 00:07:40,735
Uh, I don't hear that tapping now.
260
00:07:40,835 --> 00:07:42,804
PHIL (ON PHONE): Screw back the mouthpiece, Mr. Petrie.
261
00:07:42,904 --> 00:07:44,005
Will you? - OK.
262
00:07:44,105 --> 00:07:48,876
Honey, I think I fixed the phone here.
263
00:07:48,977 --> 00:07:51,979
[mutters] No, there it is.
264
00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:53,014
Mr. Murdoch, there.
265
00:07:53,114 --> 00:07:53,948
I guess we did it.
266
00:07:54,048 --> 00:07:55,116
Petrie, are you there?
267
00:07:55,216 --> 00:07:56,050
Yeah, I'm here.
268
00:07:56,150 --> 00:07:56,951
I'm here.
269
00:07:57,051 --> 00:07:59,554
Mr. Petrie!
270
00:07:59,654 --> 00:08:00,688
He can't hear me.
271
00:08:00,788 --> 00:08:02,423
Mr. Murdoch!
272
00:08:02,523 --> 00:08:05,493
Mr. Murdoch, I think I've broken the phone.
273
00:08:05,593 --> 00:08:07,295
Why'd you take it apart in the first place?
274
00:08:07,395 --> 00:08:08,663
The whole thing's ridiculous.
275
00:08:08,763 --> 00:08:11,899
Honey, you don't understand mechanical stuff.
276
00:08:11,999 --> 00:08:12,900
Murdoch!
277
00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:15,236
Talk louder, Mr. Petrie.
278
00:08:15,336 --> 00:08:17,772
I can't talk any louder.
279
00:08:17,872 --> 00:08:18,973
Honey, go in the kitchen.
280
00:08:19,073 --> 00:08:20,074
Maybe he can hear you on that phone.
281
00:08:20,174 --> 00:08:21,509
PHIL (ON PHONE): Gee.
282
00:08:21,609 --> 00:08:23,244
I guess you must have broken something, Mr. Petrie.
283
00:08:23,344 --> 00:08:24,278
We'll get someone out there first thing in the morning.
284
00:08:24,379 --> 00:08:25,413
Good night. - Hey, tonight.
285
00:08:25,513 --> 00:08:26,881
I'd like to have it fixed tonight.
286
00:08:26,981 --> 00:08:28,950
We could try one more thing.
287
00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:30,084
Well, what now?
288
00:08:30,184 --> 00:08:31,619
PHIL (ON PHONE): Can you speak up?
289
00:08:31,719 --> 00:08:32,887
I'm screaming now.
290
00:08:32,987 --> 00:08:34,756
Oh.
291
00:08:34,856 --> 00:08:36,023
Honey, is that you?
292
00:08:36,124 --> 00:08:37,525
PHIL (ON PHONE): What?
293
00:08:37,625 --> 00:08:38,626
I'm talking to my wife.
294
00:08:38,726 --> 00:08:39,594
Honey, is that you?
295
00:08:39,694 --> 00:08:40,695
Yes, darling.
296
00:08:40,795 --> 00:08:43,231
You could stop the screaming.
297
00:08:43,331 --> 00:08:44,999
Mr. Murdoch, can you hear her?
298
00:08:45,099 --> 00:08:46,200
Who?
299
00:08:48,002 --> 00:08:49,237
Forget it.
300
00:08:49,337 --> 00:08:50,938
I think I must have broken something.
301
00:08:51,039 --> 00:08:53,641
I think it's my spleen actually.
302
00:08:53,741 --> 00:08:56,944
Rob, darling, why don't you just
have them send someone over?
304
00:08:57,045 --> 00:08:58,146
Honey, please.
305
00:08:58,246 --> 00:09:01,649
PHIL (ON PHONE): Listen, Mr. Petrie,
will you get some facial tissue?
307
00:09:01,749 --> 00:09:03,050
Facial tissue?
308
00:09:03,151 --> 00:09:04,285
What else?
309
00:09:04,385 --> 00:09:09,657
Get a nylon stocking, some
hairspray, and a brown paper bag.
311
00:09:12,994 --> 00:09:13,928
Really?
312
00:09:14,028 --> 00:09:16,964
Now, now, put all the stuff-- the phone
and everything-- put it in the bag.
314
00:09:17,064 --> 00:09:18,633
Yeah. Then what?
315
00:09:18,733 --> 00:09:20,435
Go out on your lawn.
316
00:09:20,535 --> 00:09:24,639
Swing it over your head and scream like a chicken.
317
00:09:24,739 --> 00:09:26,908
[laughter]
318
00:09:27,008 --> 00:09:28,609
ROB: Who is this?
319
00:09:28,709 --> 00:09:30,311
- Are you going to do it? - Of course not.
320
00:09:30,411 --> 00:09:31,446
Gee.
321
00:09:31,546 --> 00:09:32,713
I thought a jerk like you would do anything.
322
00:09:32,814 --> 00:09:34,148
[laughter]
323
00:09:34,248 --> 00:09:35,049
Perfect.
324
00:09:35,149 --> 00:09:36,017
Perfect.
325
00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:37,785
It worked perfect. - Hello.
326
00:09:37,885 --> 00:09:38,786
Hello.
327
00:09:38,886 --> 00:09:39,687
Who is this?
328
00:09:39,787 --> 00:09:40,621
It's me, Buddy.
329
00:09:40,721 --> 00:09:41,355
Buddy?
330
00:09:41,456 --> 00:09:42,290
BUDDY (ON PHONE): Yeah.
331
00:09:42,390 --> 00:09:44,125
I'm going to kill you.
332
00:09:46,861 --> 00:09:48,129
- Hi, Buddy. - Hi, Laura.
333
00:09:48,229 --> 00:09:49,030
Laura, did you hear?
334
00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:49,964
Did you hear?
335
00:09:50,064 --> 00:09:51,299
Oh, yes, I heard.
336
00:09:51,399 --> 00:09:52,600
Buddy, who's laughing there?
337
00:09:52,700 --> 00:09:53,901
Where are you? - I'm at Sally's.
338
00:09:54,001 --> 00:09:54,836
At the party.
339
00:09:54,936 --> 00:09:55,803
Is everybody there?
340
00:09:55,903 --> 00:09:57,738
Well, everybody except you.
341
00:09:57,839 --> 00:09:59,474
Now, we got you on tape.
342
00:09:59,574 --> 00:10:00,608
OK, boy.
343
00:10:00,708 --> 00:10:01,742
You just go ahead and have your little fun.
344
00:10:01,843 --> 00:10:03,044
Yeah. We're having.
345
00:10:03,144 --> 00:10:04,178
We're having. Hey, see you tomorrow, Rob.
346
00:10:04,278 --> 00:10:05,246
- Oh, no, you won't. - Well, why?
347
00:10:05,346 --> 00:10:06,314
Aren't you coming in? - Yeah.
348
00:10:06,414 --> 00:10:07,148
I am. But you're not.
349
00:10:07,248 --> 00:10:08,449
You're fired.
350
00:10:08,549 --> 00:10:09,884
That's the sore loser's way of getting even.
351
00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:11,018
I'll think of something better.
352
00:10:11,118 --> 00:10:11,786
It's going to have to do for now.
353
00:10:11,886 --> 00:10:12,787
Goodbye, Buddy.
354
00:10:12,887 --> 00:10:14,422
BUDDY (ON PHONE): [laughing]
355
00:10:16,691 --> 00:10:17,925
[laughs]
356
00:10:18,025 --> 00:10:19,260
What are you laughing at?
357
00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:22,563
I just got a picture of you standing
on the lawn screaming like a chicken.
359
00:10:22,663 --> 00:10:24,765
You watch it.
360
00:10:24,866 --> 00:10:28,202
Thought a jerk like you would doing it.
361
00:10:28,302 --> 00:10:29,203
That's what I was, all right.
362
00:10:29,303 --> 00:10:30,571
I was a jerk.
363
00:10:30,671 --> 00:10:31,906
- Oh, Rob, no, you weren't. - All right then.
364
00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:32,840
What was I?
365
00:10:32,940 --> 00:10:34,075
Well, you were funny.
366
00:10:34,175 --> 00:10:35,209
No.
367
00:10:35,309 --> 00:10:36,444
I was-- I was a jerk. Go ahead.
368
00:10:36,544 --> 00:10:37,145
Say it.
369
00:10:37,245 --> 00:10:38,112
Rob, you were a jerk.
370
00:10:38,212 --> 00:10:39,614
Thank you very much.
371
00:10:39,714 --> 00:10:42,583
Oh, if I could think of a clever joke
right now, would I pull it on Buddy.
373
00:10:42,683 --> 00:10:43,551
You would not.
374
00:10:43,651 --> 00:10:44,819
Why wouldn't I?
375
00:10:44,919 --> 00:10:47,188
Because you're known far and wide as a good sport.
376
00:10:47,288 --> 00:10:48,256
You know something?
377
00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:52,126
Sometimes a good sport is nothing
more than just a good actor.
379
00:10:52,226 --> 00:10:56,097
I wonder how Buddy would feel and how he'd react
if he was on the receiving end of one of those.
381
00:10:56,197 --> 00:10:59,600
Darling, are you talking yourself
into getting even with Buddy?
383
00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:01,469
I think so.
384
00:11:01,569 --> 00:11:05,473
After all the sermons you've delivered
listing the evils of practical jokes?
386
00:11:05,573 --> 00:11:07,141
Oh, I wouldn't do it for the fun of it.
387
00:11:07,241 --> 00:11:09,544
No, you'd be doing it for a good cause.
388
00:11:09,644 --> 00:11:10,478
That's right.
389
00:11:10,578 --> 00:11:11,179
Revenge.
390
00:11:11,279 --> 00:11:12,980
Yes.
391
00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:14,248
How do you make a stink bomb?
392
00:11:17,919 --> 00:11:19,053
Good morning.
393
00:11:19,153 --> 00:11:20,054
Hi, Rob.
394
00:11:20,154 --> 00:11:21,355
Good morning, rats.
395
00:11:21,455 --> 00:11:22,456
Oh, now wait a minute.
396
00:11:22,557 --> 00:11:24,091
I had nothing to do with it.
397
00:11:24,191 --> 00:11:25,293
Did you laugh?
398
00:11:28,029 --> 00:11:29,263
I fell on the floor.
399
00:11:29,363 --> 00:11:31,732
Well, then, you're a rat.
400
00:11:31,832 --> 00:11:33,734
Hey, Rob, you're not really sore, are you?
401
00:11:33,834 --> 00:11:34,702
Nah.
402
00:11:34,802 --> 00:11:36,137
I would like to hear the tape though.
403
00:11:36,237 --> 00:11:37,071
Soon as I get it back.
404
00:11:37,171 --> 00:11:38,072
From where?
405
00:11:38,172 --> 00:11:39,373
Down at the rehearsal hall.
406
00:11:39,473 --> 00:11:41,108
The cast and the crew are listening to it.
407
00:11:41,209 --> 00:11:43,244
Oh, you are a sweetheart.
408
00:11:43,344 --> 00:11:44,445
Boy, some day, Buddy. - Yeah.
409
00:11:44,545 --> 00:11:45,179
Yeah.
410
00:11:45,279 --> 00:11:46,380
I know.
411
00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:47,481
Oh, incidentally your wife called.
412
00:11:47,582 --> 00:11:48,783
- Pickles called? - Yeah.
413
00:11:48,883 --> 00:11:49,717
Uh-huh.
414
00:11:49,817 --> 00:11:51,185
She wants you to call her back.
415
00:11:51,285 --> 00:11:52,186
She wants you to meet her at lunchtime.
416
00:11:52,286 --> 00:11:53,688
Mhm.
417
00:11:53,788 --> 00:11:56,591
Probably wants me to meet her in the middle
of a lake in Central Park or something.
419
00:11:56,691 --> 00:11:57,992
No. No.
420
00:11:58,092 --> 00:12:00,027
She said she found a great place to buy antique cracker barrels.
421
00:12:00,127 --> 00:12:03,764
And if you can't meet her to call her
at that number there before 12:00 noon.
423
00:12:06,734 --> 00:12:08,269
Rob, you can't get away with this.
424
00:12:08,369 --> 00:12:09,303
I'm not going to fall for that.
425
00:12:09,403 --> 00:12:10,304
No, it's no joke.
426
00:12:10,404 --> 00:12:11,272
Call her.
427
00:12:11,372 --> 00:12:12,206
All right.
428
00:12:12,306 --> 00:12:13,240
I'll humor you.
429
00:12:13,341 --> 00:12:14,308
You sure? - No.
430
00:12:14,408 --> 00:12:15,343
Go ahead, call her.
431
00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:16,577
It's your wife. - All right.
432
00:12:16,677 --> 00:12:19,113
I'll give you the satisfaction,
but I know it ain't going to work.
434
00:12:19,213 --> 00:12:20,314
Don't satisfy me.
435
00:12:20,414 --> 00:12:22,249
It's your wife.
436
00:12:22,350 --> 00:12:23,484
Hello.
437
00:12:23,584 --> 00:12:26,020
Hi, is Mrs. Sorrell there?
438
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:27,855
Sure, I'll wait.
439
00:12:27,955 --> 00:12:29,323
Hey, you know, he's cute?
440
00:12:29,423 --> 00:12:32,293
Hey, Rob, you're cute.
441
00:12:32,393 --> 00:12:33,961
Hello, Pickles?
442
00:12:36,597 --> 00:12:38,099
What'd you hang up for?
443
00:12:38,199 --> 00:12:41,569
Who wants to talk to her?
444
00:12:41,669 --> 00:12:42,970
Buddy, that was really Pickles.
445
00:12:43,070 --> 00:12:44,171
I know.
446
00:12:44,271 --> 00:12:45,873
You think I'd hang up on a stranger?
447
00:12:45,973 --> 00:12:48,309
She's over at the beauty parlor under the dryer.
448
00:12:48,409 --> 00:12:49,310
I'll call her later.
449
00:12:49,410 --> 00:12:50,911
Hey, Buddy, wasn't it a gag?
450
00:12:51,012 --> 00:12:52,046
No.
451
00:12:52,146 --> 00:12:54,181
It wasn't any gag, but I guarantee
you he's planning a beauty.
453
00:12:54,281 --> 00:12:55,082
No.
454
00:12:55,182 --> 00:12:56,484
No.
455
00:12:56,584 --> 00:13:01,222
Buddy, when I finally play a practical joke on
you, it will be so diabolically clever it'll
457
00:13:01,322 --> 00:13:03,958
take you a year to recover.
458
00:13:04,058 --> 00:13:06,794
Say, you're really going to try something, huh?
459
00:13:06,894 --> 00:13:08,162
No, no.
460
00:13:08,262 --> 00:13:09,430
Well, don't worry about it.
461
00:13:09,530 --> 00:13:10,665
I won't do anything to hurt you anyway.
462
00:13:10,765 --> 00:13:11,732
Eh.
463
00:13:11,832 --> 00:13:13,134
I probably won't do anything. - Come on.
464
00:13:13,234 --> 00:13:14,068
Let's get down to work.
465
00:13:14,168 --> 00:13:15,136
Uh-huh.
466
00:13:15,236 --> 00:13:17,171
Sally, is he or isn't he?
467
00:13:17,271 --> 00:13:18,105
I don't know.
468
00:13:18,205 --> 00:13:20,174
Is you, Rob?
469
00:13:20,274 --> 00:13:21,742
Come on. Let's be fair.
470
00:13:21,842 --> 00:13:23,277
If I know something's coming, I'll worry.
471
00:13:23,377 --> 00:13:26,247
But if I don't know, I'll go nuts.
472
00:13:26,347 --> 00:13:27,381
Oh?
473
00:13:27,481 --> 00:13:28,816
Congratulations, General Custer.
474
00:13:28,916 --> 00:13:30,818
You just sold some guns to the Indians.
475
00:13:30,918 --> 00:13:31,919
[laughs]
476
00:13:32,019 --> 00:13:34,321
[sarcastic laugh] You know you're vicious?
477
00:13:34,422 --> 00:13:36,023
Sally, you know he's vicious? - Hey, Rob.
478
00:13:36,123 --> 00:13:36,957
You're vicious.
479
00:13:37,058 --> 00:13:38,693
Oh yeah.
480
00:13:38,793 --> 00:13:40,461
Let's get down to work, shall we?
481
00:13:40,561 --> 00:13:41,562
Rob, I promise you.
482
00:13:41,662 --> 00:13:43,064
I can't be funny if I'm nervous.
483
00:13:43,164 --> 00:13:44,031
Watch it.
484
00:13:44,131 --> 00:13:45,166
What?
485
00:13:45,266 --> 00:13:46,300
You're going to sit on the coffee.
486
00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:47,902
Oh.
487
00:13:48,002 --> 00:13:49,003
Dig that rank amateur.
488
00:13:49,103 --> 00:13:50,004
Buddy!
489
00:13:59,513 --> 00:14:03,284
Well, you just ruined my coffee.
490
00:14:03,384 --> 00:14:07,855
And I don't think you're going to be too choked up
about what happened to your prune Danish either.
493
00:14:12,093 --> 00:14:16,997
PHIL (ON TAPE): Swing it over your
head and scream like a chicken.
495
00:14:17,098 --> 00:14:18,165
ROB (ON TAPE): Who is this?
496
00:14:18,265 --> 00:14:19,600
PHIL (ON TAPE): You going to do it?
497
00:14:19,700 --> 00:14:20,935
ROB (ON TAPE): Of course not. PHIL (ON TAPE): Gee.
498
00:14:21,035 --> 00:14:21,736
I thought a jerk like you would do anything.
499
00:14:24,105 --> 00:14:25,406
Boy.
500
00:14:25,506 --> 00:14:26,907
I got to admit, that Buddy's a clever rat anyway.
501
00:14:27,007 --> 00:14:29,610
Well, at least, he was nice enough to give you a tape.
502
00:14:29,710 --> 00:14:32,847
A copy of the tape.
503
00:14:32,947 --> 00:14:33,981
He made copies?
504
00:14:34,081 --> 00:14:39,253
Honey, do you realize how valuable this tape is to
Buddy if he ever runs against me for president?
506
00:14:39,353 --> 00:14:40,454
You're right.
507
00:14:40,554 --> 00:14:42,656
You should have taken a picture
of him sitting on Sally's danish.
509
00:14:42,757 --> 00:14:48,996
[laughs] You know, he spent the whole day today at
the office in a panic just waiting for me to strike.
512
00:14:49,096 --> 00:14:50,131
I did nothing.
513
00:14:50,231 --> 00:14:51,298
Nothing?
514
00:14:51,398 --> 00:14:54,935
Well, I sat and smiled at him a lot.
515
00:14:55,035 --> 00:14:56,737
That's not nothing.
516
00:14:56,837 --> 00:15:01,008
Honey, you know the best way in the world to teach
Buddy a good lesson-- You mean get even with him?
519
00:15:01,108 --> 00:15:01,909
No, no.
520
00:15:02,009 --> 00:15:03,210
Teach him a lesson.
521
00:15:03,310 --> 00:15:06,180
The best thing to do is to do absolutely nothing to him
522
00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:08,649
but just keep telling them that I'm going to do nothing.
523
00:15:08,749 --> 00:15:10,417
He won't believe you.
524
00:15:10,518 --> 00:15:13,420
And it'll drive him nuts.
525
00:15:13,521 --> 00:15:17,091
I'll call him now and tell him I'll do nothing.
526
00:15:17,191 --> 00:15:17,992
You can't call him now.
527
00:15:18,092 --> 00:15:18,793
It's too late.
528
00:15:18,893 --> 00:15:20,227
You'll probably wake him up.
529
00:15:20,327 --> 00:15:21,929
Good.
530
00:15:22,029 --> 00:15:24,498
You know there's a little bit of a monster in you?
531
00:15:24,598 --> 00:15:27,535
[chuckles] (FUNNY ACCENT) After
all, my dear, nobody's perfect.
533
00:15:30,538 --> 00:15:31,739
Look.
534
00:15:31,839 --> 00:15:34,341
If Rob said he's not going to do
anything, he's not going to do anything.
536
00:15:34,441 --> 00:15:35,743
Yeah.
537
00:15:35,843 --> 00:15:38,679
Any time a guy calls you in the middle of the night
to say he ain't going to do anything rotten to you,
539
00:15:38,779 --> 00:15:40,748
he's going to do something rotten.
540
00:15:40,848 --> 00:15:42,950
He better get some sort of satisfaction.
541
00:15:43,050 --> 00:15:44,652
Besides, I think that's very funny.
542
00:15:44,752 --> 00:15:47,688
Oh, you think it's funny to have somebody
call you in the middle of the night? - No.
544
00:15:47,788 --> 00:15:50,891
I think it's very funny for somebody
to call you in the middle of the night.
546
00:15:50,991 --> 00:15:52,193
Thank you.
547
00:15:52,293 --> 00:15:53,260
Good morning, gang.
548
00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:56,363
I'm not part of your gang.
549
00:15:56,464 --> 00:15:57,498
Hey, Rob, he doesn't believe you.
550
00:15:57,598 --> 00:15:58,833
He's mad.
551
00:15:58,933 --> 00:16:00,000
Well, well, I brought a little peace offering.
552
00:16:00,100 --> 00:16:00,935
There you are.
553
00:16:01,035 --> 00:16:02,403
All for you, Mrs. Jelly's Donuts.
554
00:16:02,503 --> 00:16:03,637
They're all yours.
555
00:16:07,575 --> 00:16:10,110
You think I'm going to open that box?
556
00:16:10,211 --> 00:16:11,612
Buddy, I told you last night.
557
00:16:11,712 --> 00:16:12,913
I'm not going to do anything.
558
00:16:13,013 --> 00:16:13,647
Honest, I mean it.
559
00:16:13,747 --> 00:16:16,217
I don't believe you.
560
00:16:16,317 --> 00:16:17,451
All right.
561
00:16:17,551 --> 00:16:20,020
Sal, what are those?
562
00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:22,089
Jelly donuts.
563
00:16:22,189 --> 00:16:27,494
They look like jelly donuts, but they're
probably full of Chinese mustard.
565
00:16:27,595 --> 00:16:28,395
Oh, boy.
566
00:16:28,495 --> 00:16:29,330
All right.
567
00:16:29,430 --> 00:16:31,632
I'll prove it to you.
568
00:16:31,732 --> 00:16:32,967
Delicious. - Sure.
569
00:16:33,067 --> 00:16:34,001
That's the good one.
570
00:16:34,101 --> 00:16:37,738
The other two got the poison in them.
571
00:16:37,838 --> 00:16:40,774
Sal, would you test one for the king please?
572
00:16:40,875 --> 00:16:44,445
I'm going off my diet for you, but OK.
573
00:16:44,545 --> 00:16:45,379
Hm.
574
00:16:45,479 --> 00:16:46,780
Very good. - There.
575
00:16:46,881 --> 00:16:47,514
Yeah.
576
00:16:47,615 --> 00:16:48,549
Those two are all right.
577
00:16:48,649 --> 00:16:51,352
That's the one with the poison.
578
00:16:51,452 --> 00:16:52,820
Boy, oh boy.
579
00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:53,721
All right.
580
00:16:53,821 --> 00:16:55,289
See?
581
00:16:55,389 --> 00:16:56,223
Delicious.
582
00:16:56,323 --> 00:16:57,424
Now, am I your friend?
583
00:16:57,524 --> 00:16:58,959
What kind of a friend are you?
584
00:16:59,059 --> 00:17:00,761
You bring me three jelly donuts, and you eat them yourself.
585
00:17:05,933 --> 00:17:11,705
Buddy, I sincerely hope that someday
someone catches you, but good.
587
00:17:11,805 --> 00:17:13,774
But I promise you it's not going to be me.
588
00:17:13,874 --> 00:17:16,677
Would you put that in writing?
589
00:17:16,777 --> 00:17:18,045
My word isn't good enough for you?
590
00:17:18,145 --> 00:17:18,879
No.
591
00:17:18,979 --> 00:17:20,481
- Rob, are you busy? - No.
592
00:17:20,581 --> 00:17:22,082
What is it, Mel?
593
00:17:22,182 --> 00:17:23,450
Alan would like to see you in his office for a few minutes?
594
00:17:23,551 --> 00:17:24,585
Does he want Buddy and Sally?
595
00:17:24,685 --> 00:17:26,253
Oh, we don't need Sally this time.
596
00:17:26,353 --> 00:17:29,123
Him, we never need.
597
00:17:29,223 --> 00:17:31,025
That's right.
598
00:17:31,125 --> 00:17:32,726
He's preoccupied.
599
00:17:32,826 --> 00:17:35,296
Keep him that way.
600
00:17:35,396 --> 00:17:40,367
In the meantime, would you try to convince
Mr. Fear here he has nothing to fear but himself?
602
00:17:40,467 --> 00:17:41,435
Did you hear that, Mr. Fear?
603
00:17:41,535 --> 00:17:42,836
You have nothing to fear but you.
604
00:17:42,937 --> 00:17:44,071
Yeah. That's what I'm afraid of.
605
00:17:44,171 --> 00:17:45,072
Hm?
606
00:17:45,172 --> 00:17:49,043
Any time a guy spends that much time trying to
convince you, he must be setting me up for a dandy.
608
00:17:49,143 --> 00:17:50,978
[phone ringing]
609
00:17:51,078 --> 00:17:51,745
Hello.
610
00:17:51,845 --> 00:17:52,680
Yeah, just a minute.
611
00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:54,114
For you, Buddy.
612
00:17:54,214 --> 00:17:55,049
Huh?
613
00:17:55,149 --> 00:17:56,917
Oh, Marge, hiya.
614
00:17:57,017 --> 00:17:57,985
Oh yeah?
615
00:17:58,085 --> 00:17:59,119
Say that again.
616
00:17:59,219 --> 00:18:00,888
[chuckles] Yeah.
617
00:18:00,988 --> 00:18:01,689
Good.
618
00:18:01,789 --> 00:18:03,257
Well, send him on back here.
619
00:18:03,357 --> 00:18:05,292
And say hello to Rob for me.
620
00:18:05,392 --> 00:18:07,027
You know what I mean.
621
00:18:07,127 --> 00:18:08,028
Yeah, sure.
622
00:18:08,128 --> 00:18:09,330
You know.
623
00:18:09,430 --> 00:18:13,033
[laughs] The amateur, Rob Petrie, is about to strike.
624
00:18:13,133 --> 00:18:14,034
SALLY: What?
625
00:18:14,134 --> 00:18:15,436
You know who he's sending back here?
626
00:18:15,536 --> 00:18:17,504
A guy from the Internal Revenue Service.
627
00:18:17,604 --> 00:18:18,505
So?
628
00:18:18,605 --> 00:18:19,807
So?
629
00:18:19,907 --> 00:18:22,409
His name is Handlebuck, William Handlebuck.
630
00:18:22,509 --> 00:18:24,511
Oh, you think Rob is-- Come on.
631
00:18:24,611 --> 00:18:25,813
Come on.
632
00:18:25,913 --> 00:18:26,814
The Internal Revenue, William Handlebuck.
633
00:18:26,914 --> 00:18:28,382
It's got to be a gag.
634
00:18:28,482 --> 00:18:31,619
Well, I got to admit it sounds hokey, but who knows?
635
00:18:31,719 --> 00:18:32,553
I know.
636
00:18:32,653 --> 00:18:33,587
Look.
637
00:18:33,687 --> 00:18:35,022
Maybe this guy is legit, Buddy.
638
00:18:35,122 --> 00:18:37,391
And if it's one of Rob's gags,
he'd want to be here, wouldn't he?
640
00:18:37,491 --> 00:18:38,993
Rob's only a beginner.
641
00:18:39,093 --> 00:18:40,961
He thinks he has to get out of the office to avoid suspicion.
642
00:18:41,061 --> 00:18:43,197
Oh, I'm sorry he's going to miss this one.
643
00:18:43,297 --> 00:18:44,031
Miss what?
644
00:18:44,131 --> 00:18:45,699
The way I handle Handlebuck.
645
00:18:45,799 --> 00:18:46,633
[knocking on door]
646
00:18:46,734 --> 00:18:47,634
Hey, Buddy.
647
00:18:47,735 --> 00:18:48,702
This guy may be legitimate.
648
00:18:48,802 --> 00:18:49,703
Come on.
649
00:18:49,803 --> 00:18:51,405
With a name like Handlebuck.
650
00:18:51,505 --> 00:18:52,339
Oh, how do you do?
651
00:18:52,439 --> 00:18:53,340
Mr. Sorrell.
652
00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:55,209
Uh, Mr. Handlebar.
653
00:18:55,309 --> 00:18:57,011
Buck.
654
00:18:57,111 --> 00:18:58,045
Oh, yes.
655
00:18:58,145 --> 00:19:02,349
Sally Rogers, Mr. Buck Handlebar.
656
00:19:02,449 --> 00:19:03,550
No, no.
657
00:19:03,650 --> 00:19:04,718
William, William Handlebuck, Miss Rogers.
658
00:19:04,818 --> 00:19:06,120
SALLY: How do you do? - Oh yeah.
659
00:19:06,220 --> 00:19:06,820
Buck Rogers.
660
00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:09,857
Come right over here.
661
00:19:09,957 --> 00:19:11,325
Yes, sir. - Well, thank you.
662
00:19:11,425 --> 00:19:13,293
As you know, I'm from the Internal Revenue Service.
663
00:19:15,562 --> 00:19:18,632
It's somewhat unusual for me to make a call like this.
664
00:19:18,732 --> 00:19:20,167
I was expecting you.
665
00:19:20,267 --> 00:19:23,303
I have here your income tax return from last year.
666
00:19:23,404 --> 00:19:24,872
Naturally.
667
00:19:24,972 --> 00:19:27,041
And there are several things which we'd like to check on.
668
00:19:27,141 --> 00:19:30,611
Well, I uh-- I knew it
was just a matter of time.
670
00:19:30,711 --> 00:19:32,012
Time?
671
00:19:32,112 --> 00:19:33,147
Yeah.
672
00:19:33,247 --> 00:19:34,615
I knew you'd catch up with me sooner or later.
673
00:19:34,715 --> 00:19:37,551
Well, it was hardly a matter of
catching up with you, Mr. Sorrell.
675
00:19:37,651 --> 00:19:41,422
Well, might as well tell you I haven't had
a good night's sleep since April 15, when
677
00:19:41,522 --> 00:19:42,923
I handed in that pack of lies.
678
00:19:46,694 --> 00:19:48,028
This is somewhat irregular.
679
00:19:48,128 --> 00:19:51,365
Well, what do you expect from a cheat and a fraud?
680
00:19:51,465 --> 00:19:53,534
I bet nobody ever confessed this soon before.
681
00:19:53,634 --> 00:19:54,601
Confessing?
682
00:19:54,701 --> 00:19:56,637
All I wanted to know was--
Well, look.
683
00:19:56,737 --> 00:19:57,905
Let's get to the whole truth, sir.
684
00:19:58,005 --> 00:20:02,476
I lied about those expenses, and there's a little
matter of $2,000 there that I didn't report.
686
00:20:02,576 --> 00:20:03,410
You didn't?
687
00:20:03,510 --> 00:20:04,711
And I'm not married.
688
00:20:04,812 --> 00:20:06,880
So that $600 deduction, that's a phony too.
689
00:20:06,980 --> 00:20:08,615
Rob, you got here just in time.
690
00:20:08,716 --> 00:20:09,716
They're about to take me away.
691
00:20:09,817 --> 00:20:11,185
Huh?
692
00:20:11,285 --> 00:20:13,520
Yeah, Mr. Handlebuck here from the Internal Revenue.
693
00:20:13,620 --> 00:20:14,588
He came to arrest me.
694
00:20:14,688 --> 00:20:15,689
- What's going on here? - Yeah.
695
00:20:15,789 --> 00:20:16,623
What's going on here?
696
00:20:16,724 --> 00:20:17,691
SALLY: Oh, come on, Rob.
697
00:20:17,791 --> 00:20:18,726
It didn't work.
698
00:20:18,826 --> 00:20:19,893
[laughs] - See.
699
00:20:19,993 --> 00:20:22,696
Mr. Handlebuck, I'll even write out the whole
thing for the government, how I cheated.
701
00:20:22,796 --> 00:20:24,732
It didn't work.
702
00:20:24,832 --> 00:20:28,335
Uh, Mr. Handlebuck, I think
there's been a little mistake here.
704
00:20:28,435 --> 00:20:29,670
I hope so.
705
00:20:29,770 --> 00:20:31,138
Rob, it's impolite to interrupt a confession.
706
00:20:31,238 --> 00:20:32,139
Hey, Rob.
707
00:20:32,239 --> 00:20:32,873
I didn't.
708
00:20:32,973 --> 00:20:34,608
Honest, I didn't.
709
00:20:34,708 --> 00:20:38,212
Mr. Handlebuck, I don't believe he realizes
that you are Mr. Handlebuck of the Bureau
711
00:20:38,312 --> 00:20:39,346
of Internal Revenue.
712
00:20:39,446 --> 00:20:40,747
I suppose you got your credentials too, huh?
713
00:20:40,848 --> 00:20:41,648
Well, of course.
714
00:20:41,748 --> 00:20:43,016
Buddy, this is no joke.
715
00:20:43,117 --> 00:20:44,485
Uh, cheating the government is never a joke.
716
00:20:44,585 --> 00:20:45,986
There you are.
717
00:20:46,086 --> 00:20:47,221
Well, isn't that nice?
718
00:20:47,321 --> 00:20:48,155
William Handlebuck.
719
00:20:48,255 --> 00:20:49,056
[laughs]
720
00:20:49,156 --> 00:20:50,691
Buddy.
721
00:20:50,791 --> 00:20:51,825
- That does it! - Oh, no.
722
00:20:51,925 --> 00:20:53,160
Wait a minute.
723
00:20:53,260 --> 00:20:54,394
Let's get rid of this too while we're at it.
724
00:20:54,495 --> 00:20:55,496
- Oh, Buddy! - Don't do that.
725
00:20:55,596 --> 00:20:56,764
Happy New Year!
726
00:20:56,864 --> 00:20:57,898
Mr. Sorrell, you're in a lot of trouble.
727
00:20:57,998 --> 00:20:59,466
Hey, how about a bribe?
728
00:20:59,566 --> 00:21:00,534
Oh, that's all.
729
00:21:00,634 --> 00:21:01,568
You'll hear from us directly.
730
00:21:01,668 --> 00:21:02,703
Mr. Handlebuck, wait a minute.
731
00:21:02,803 --> 00:21:04,004
He thinks that I sent you, you see.
732
00:21:04,104 --> 00:21:05,239
Please, mister. You don't understand.
733
00:21:05,339 --> 00:21:06,740
- I understand perfectly. - Beautiful.
734
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:07,674
Beautiful.
735
00:21:07,774 --> 00:21:08,876
What a performance.
736
00:21:08,976 --> 00:21:10,811
Buddy, you're in trouble.
737
00:21:10,911 --> 00:21:11,745
Mr. Handlebuck!
738
00:21:11,845 --> 00:21:12,646
Ow.
739
00:21:12,746 --> 00:21:14,581
Excuse me, lady.
740
00:21:14,681 --> 00:21:16,183
What happened, Rob?
741
00:21:16,283 --> 00:21:19,953
Well, he got on the elevator, and I busted my leg on a lady.
742
00:21:20,053 --> 00:21:21,522
Hey, you guys were beautiful.
743
00:21:21,622 --> 00:21:23,490
You're pert near as good an actor as that hokey Handlebar.
744
00:21:23,590 --> 00:21:25,793
Buddy, what do I have to do to convince you you're in trouble?
745
00:21:25,893 --> 00:21:27,427
Come on, Rob. You tried.
746
00:21:27,528 --> 00:21:28,462
Forget it. Forget it.
747
00:21:28,562 --> 00:21:29,730
I'll sign a sworn statement.
748
00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:32,432
I'll-- we don't need my signature.
749
00:21:32,533 --> 00:21:33,500
We got yours.
750
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:34,434
Wait a sec.
751
00:21:34,535 --> 00:21:35,836
Where is it?
752
00:21:35,936 --> 00:21:36,737
There we are.
753
00:21:36,837 --> 00:21:38,238
Look at that.
754
00:21:38,338 --> 00:21:40,374
Hey, that's my return, my tax return.
755
00:21:40,474 --> 00:21:41,141
Mm-hmm.
756
00:21:41,241 --> 00:21:42,276
With your signature on it.
757
00:21:42,376 --> 00:21:43,477
Well, how did he get ahold of it?
758
00:21:43,577 --> 00:21:44,711
This is government property.
759
00:21:44,812 --> 00:21:47,147
Maybe he works for the government.
760
00:21:56,790 --> 00:21:58,225
Will you stop that pacing?
761
00:21:58,325 --> 00:22:00,327
You look like the little man in the shooting gallery.
762
00:22:00,427 --> 00:22:01,328
I can't help it.
763
00:22:01,428 --> 00:22:02,763
I'm upset.
764
00:22:02,863 --> 00:22:06,466
Buddy, Handlebuck must have realized something
was wrong, or he wouldn't have called back.
766
00:22:06,567 --> 00:22:07,668
I don't know about those guys.
767
00:22:07,768 --> 00:22:09,169
You can't trust those honest fellows.
768
00:22:09,269 --> 00:22:11,905
Will you at least trust me that
I'm not trying to get you, Buddy?
770
00:22:12,005 --> 00:22:13,307
Oh yeah.
771
00:22:13,407 --> 00:22:15,509
[phone ringing]
772
00:22:15,609 --> 00:22:16,577
Yeah, Marge.
773
00:22:16,677 --> 00:22:17,644
OK. Good.
774
00:22:17,744 --> 00:22:18,579
Send him up.
775
00:22:18,679 --> 00:22:19,513
All right.
776
00:22:19,613 --> 00:22:21,048
Now, remember, Buddy.
777
00:22:21,148 --> 00:22:22,416
Guys like Handlebuck don't have much of a sense of humor.
778
00:22:22,516 --> 00:22:23,951
Oh, boy, there's no argument about that.
779
00:22:24,051 --> 00:22:25,118
[knocking on door]
780
00:22:25,219 --> 00:22:26,553
Let me do the talking please.
781
00:22:26,653 --> 00:22:27,754
OK.
782
00:22:27,854 --> 00:22:29,256
Well, Mr. Handlebuck, come right in.
783
00:22:29,356 --> 00:22:30,190
Thank you.
784
00:22:30,290 --> 00:22:37,164
As I told you on the telephone, Mr. Sorrell here, he's,
um, thought you were actually an actor, you see.
787
00:22:37,264 --> 00:22:40,567
But I told you all that on the phone.
788
00:22:40,667 --> 00:22:41,735
Well, I believe you.
789
00:22:41,835 --> 00:22:44,404
And there's a matter of destroying
his income tax form though.
791
00:22:44,504 --> 00:22:47,774
Well, if there's any penalties or anything
like that, sir, I'll be glad to pay it.
793
00:22:47,874 --> 00:22:48,775
I didn't mean it, honest.
794
00:22:48,875 --> 00:22:49,776
- I know that. - Yeah.
795
00:22:49,877 --> 00:22:50,878
He's a good boy.
796
00:22:50,978 --> 00:22:54,014
May I uh-- may I have
the torn form please?
797
00:22:54,114 --> 00:22:55,249
BUDDY: There you are, sir.
798
00:22:55,349 --> 00:22:56,650
I'll be glad to do anything, anything.
799
00:22:56,750 --> 00:22:57,951
I'll do it. I'll do it.
800
00:22:58,051 --> 00:22:59,253
Well, this shouldn't be too complicated.
801
00:22:59,353 --> 00:23:01,255
We'll take this form, tape it together.
802
00:23:01,355 --> 00:23:03,490
Then you make out a new form, copying this one exactly.
803
00:23:03,590 --> 00:23:04,625
Yes, sir. I'll do it.
804
00:23:04,725 --> 00:23:05,792
I'll do it.
805
00:23:05,892 --> 00:23:08,562
Then put both forms in a paper bag,
wave it over your head, and (HIGH-PITCHED)
807
00:23:08,662 --> 00:23:12,366
scream like a chicken.
808
00:23:12,466 --> 00:23:16,370
[laughter]
809
00:23:16,470 --> 00:23:19,473
[shouting]
810
00:23:31,518 --> 00:23:32,119
You, you're the guy.
811
00:23:32,219 --> 00:23:33,287
You helped Rob get me.
812
00:23:33,387 --> 00:23:35,088
You gave him my tax return.
813
00:23:35,188 --> 00:23:36,723
Just a reasonable facsimile.
814
00:23:36,823 --> 00:23:37,724
And I didn't help anybody.
815
00:23:37,824 --> 00:23:40,260
I got you myself for myself.
816
00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:41,261
Oh!
817
00:23:41,361 --> 00:23:42,863
Great job, Mr. Handlebuck.
818
00:23:42,963 --> 00:23:44,031
Why are you shaking hands?
819
00:23:44,131 --> 00:23:45,432
I knew it all the time.
820
00:23:47,935 --> 00:23:48,969
OK.
821
00:23:49,069 --> 00:23:50,304
Now, what was that last sentence?
822
00:23:50,404 --> 00:23:53,907
I promise I will get Phil Franklin
if it's the last thing I ever do.
824
00:23:54,007 --> 00:23:56,109
Signed, Buddy Sorrell.
825
00:23:56,209 --> 00:23:58,145
You don't have to put it in writing, Buddy.
826
00:23:58,245 --> 00:23:59,279
I was right about one thing.
827
00:23:59,379 --> 00:24:01,815
When you're on the receiving end,
you're not such a good sport.
829
00:24:01,915 --> 00:24:03,050
Yeah.
830
00:24:03,150 --> 00:24:04,351
What bugs me it was such a rotten gag.
831
00:24:04,451 --> 00:24:06,620
He never would have caught me if I
wasn't so worried about you catching me.
833
00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:08,121
Well, that's how I caught you.
834
00:24:08,221 --> 00:24:11,658
I mean, I knew you were so worried about Rob
that I set it up to look like he did it. - Sure.
836
00:24:11,758 --> 00:24:13,226
Sure.
837
00:24:13,327 --> 00:24:13,860
And you knew I'd see through it and do exactly what I did.
838
00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:15,062
Uh-huh.
839
00:24:15,162 --> 00:24:16,029
- Ah, that was brilliant, Phil. - Yeah.
840
00:24:16,129 --> 00:24:17,097
Who got a pen?
841
00:24:17,197 --> 00:24:18,498
Got a pen? - Oh, here, here.
842
00:24:18,598 --> 00:24:19,266
Use mine. - Oh, no.
843
00:24:19,366 --> 00:24:20,467
None of those trick pens.
844
00:24:33,780 --> 00:24:34,748
I put it in there.
845
00:24:34,848 --> 00:24:35,782
You did?
846
00:24:41,021 --> 00:24:46,393
[theme music]
52636
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