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[theme song]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show", starring
Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Matthews and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Hi, Bud.
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Oh, well, good morning, Sally.
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How are you?
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My, you look radiant today.
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I do?
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Gee, thank you, Bud. Well, what's new?
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Oh, nothing much.
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Prince Valiant just called you, wants you to trim his bangs.
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Really?
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Very funny.
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Boy, to you the whole world's a sketch and
all the men and women live on Flugal Street.
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Ooh, what's bugging you?
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Who's the highest paid writers on TV?
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I don't know.
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Ernie Burton and his staff.
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Ernie Burton, the brain picker, is the highest paid?
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Just look at this.
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"Ernie Burton heads top paid writing staff.
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Comic, Cliff Barnett, credits
success of his show to big payroll".
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Let me see that.
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"Happy writers make happy shows".
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Hey, how do like that?
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I don't like it.
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We've been knocking our brains out
for Alan Brady for seven years.
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Now a new show comes along and he pays the
new writers more money than we're getting.
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Yeah, and you know, he wouldn't even own the "Cliff
Barnett Show" if it wasn't for the great stuff
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that we wrote for Cliff when he was a guest on
our show last season. BUDDY SORRELL: Right.
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Ha.
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We're in the top 10.
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He's in the bottom 100.
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BUDDY SORRELL: This is like your Field Marshal
Montgomery, and you won that big war in Africa.
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And when it's all over, you find out that
Rommel was getting more money than you.
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That's exactly what it's like.
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We do all the work and desert wreck gets the gravy.
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Yeah.
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Morning, Sal.
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Morning, Buddy.
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Who's the highest paid writer on television?
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Ah, I don't know, who?
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Ernie Burton, a desert rat.
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Who?
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SALLY ROGERS: Rob, every writer on the "Cliff Barnett Show"
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gets more money.
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Oh, I saw the headline in "Variety".
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I didn't get a chance to read the article.
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Yeah, but Rob, is isn't fair.
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Now we're much better writers than the Cliff Barnett writers.
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At least I know I am.
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Yeah, everybody knows I am.
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Oh, listen, you guys.
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You know about Barnett.
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He's terrible to work for.
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Alan probably has to pay more money just to keep the people.
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Yeah, but Brady told us we were getting the top money.
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Here, here, let's stay calm.
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No, no, let's stay uncalm.
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We're very much unappreciated around here.
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Oh, Sally, that's not true.
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You know Alan says you're the best in the business.
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Yeah, wish he's tell it to my bank book.
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Listen, you guys.
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We have a show to write.
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And if we do not write it, we don't get any money at all.
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Rob, why don't you try it this way?
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If we don't get more money, we don't write.
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Come on, you guys get plenty of money.
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Who's talking about money?
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You two are.
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Rob, it isn't the money.
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Money is just a symbol.
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Yeah, it's a symbol of wealth.
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Look, we have a show to write.
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We have a whole cast out there waiting for our words.
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Now can we please get on with it?
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No, I've waited for my last wait.
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Yeah, me too.
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I'm wait-less.
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Sally and me are on strike.
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So am I.
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Look, you guys.
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Alan didn't say he didn't want to talk to you.
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He said he was busy.
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Yeah, we're busy too.
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There's a big strike going on here.
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OK, all right, you win.
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I give up.
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But will you tell me something?
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Is this a hunger strike too or can we order a little lunch?
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Go ahead and order.
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My stomach's still working.
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Good.
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Sal, would you take down the order?
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I am not writing anything until we
get this raise business settled.
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Oh, for Pete's sake, Sally, that's ridiculous.
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Not as ridiculous as Ernie Burton's
guys making more money than we do.
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Right.
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You take the order.
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All right, I'll take the order.
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Well, yeah.
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How about a raise on rye?
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That's good.
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Yeah, if you don't have that, I'll have a Frankfurter.
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Yeah, make it two.
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And I'll have a bottle of 4-up and a slice of six layer cake.
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BUDDY SORRELL: What? - I'm cutting down.
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Oh.
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Look, you guys, I think you deserve a raise.
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I think you ought to get one,
but this is no way to go about it.
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Rob, I just left Alan in the rehearsal hall and
he has a marvelous new way to end the show.
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So have I, no script.
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Well, well, what's bothering, Smokey the Boar?
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Smokey the Boar, hey, not bad for a self-taught incompetent.
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Mel, what was Alan's idea?
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Well, Alan said that instead of the jokes
that you wrote for him, he'd like something
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funny for the end of the show.
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Why don't you just stand there and squint?
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Look, um, Mel, why don't to go back to your office?
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We'll write something and type it up for you.
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Fine, I'll tell that to Alan.
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It's a pity about Mel.
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He's been going to a brain surgeon for
two years and hasn't been waited on yet.
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[knock on door]
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MEL COOLEY: I heard that!
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Look, fellas, I know you're gonna be able to
work something out with Alan sooner or later.
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But right now, you are killing me.
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We've got a job to do.
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Rob, you're beginning to sound like a company man.
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Yeah, that's right, Rob.
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You are a company man.
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Yeah, you represent management.
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Well-- Rob,
you are an executive.
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Come on, Sal, you know I'm a writer.
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We're all writers here.
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Yes, but you're the head writer.
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Now Alan will listen to you because you're an executive.
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You ask for the raise.
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- You want me to ask? - Mhm.
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BUDDY SORRELL: Yeah, you're our
next link in the chain of command.
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Mel is the next link.
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Mel is the missing link.
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Now look, Rob. - Rob, look.
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You talk to Alan.
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It's your responsibility.
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All right.
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All right, I can talk to Alan.
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But I'll tell you right now, it's not gonna do any good.
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Mel is supposed to do that kind of a job.
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All right, call.
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Would you get me Alan Brady, please?
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How much do you think we ought to ask for?
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Same as these guys are getting plus a nickle more.
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Now we've got 10%. 10%.
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BUDDY SORRELL: Yeah, 10%.
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10%, all right.
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Alan?
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Hi, Rob.
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Listen, Alan, we've been having a kind of
a serious discussion up here this morning.
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You read the article?
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Oh.
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Yeah, well, you see--
yeah, that's right.
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Sally and Buddy feel they want more money.
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Well, what I was-- talk to who?
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Well, no listen.
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Wait, why couldn't you talk to him?
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Well, Alan, if-- if-- if he approves
it, it's gonna be all right with you?
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OK, thank you very much.
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SALLY ROGERS: Well, what'd he say?
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He didn't say no.
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But he didn't say yes.
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He say maybe?
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No, he didn't say maybe.
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Was he on the telephone?
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No, he says I've gotta go talk to Doug Wesley, the accountant.
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Rob, believe me.
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If Alan Brady could give them an increase at
this time, he'd be the first man to do it.
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He'd do it like that.
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[snaps fingers]
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But the thing is it just-- it's a 10% raise.
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Rob, I wish I could just hand out money.
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But you know, it doesn't work that way, boy.
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Sometimes I'm really sorry I didn't become a doctor.
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The thing is I think they're due for a
raise, and the show is doing so great.
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Well, it just doesn't work that way, Rob, really.
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Sit down, Rob.
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Rob, you know of course, that individuals and
companies, in order to minimize their tax payments,
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they spread out their money into other
enterprises and into various other businesses.
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Well, I know a lot of television stars
own restaurants, baseball and real estate,
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and even other television stars, like Alan
owns the "Cliff Barnett Show". - Right.
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Right, that's it.
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Now you're beginning to see the whole corporate picture, Rob.
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Now in our case, there is the
organization and there's the organization.
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Now I know it sounds complicated, Rob.
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Well, it's only because you're holding something there.
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I don't know what it is.
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[chuckles]
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I'll give you a little example.
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This year, Alan himself wanted a raise.
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I had to turn him down.
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You turned Alan down?
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You wouldn't give him his own money?
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No, it's not his own money, Rob.
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Not his own money anymore.
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You see, that's the whole point.
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Alan, actually, is only an employee of himself.
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Ah, wait a minute.
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Alan employs himself?
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DOUG WESLEY: Yes, Alan Brady
works for Alan Brady Productions.
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Yeah, but he owns it.
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Ah, but Alan Brady Productions is a
subsidiary of Reliance Industries.
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[clears throat] What, ah-- what's Reliance Industries?
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Reliance industries owns the "Cliff Barnett Show"
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and they run a fleet of shrimp boats in the Gulf of Mexico.
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Shrimp boats in the Gulf of Mexico?
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Yeah, they, ah, freeze them and sell them
nationally as Yum Yum Shrimp Cocktail.
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Yum Yum, they're delicious.
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Yeah, would you like us to send you a case?
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Well, a case of shrimp, I'd love it.
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Yeah, fine, we'll send you one.
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Well, gee, thanks a lot.
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It's funny?
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I didn't know Alan owned that.
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Well, he must-- he must be doing great then.
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Oh, yes, yes.
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Now Reliance Industries is a subdivision of Hiawatha Foods.
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Gee, that's, ah-- that's a big company.
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That could surely afford a little raise.
259
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Well, now I'm coming to that, Rob.
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You see, you and Sally and Buddy
are not unemployed by the same firm.
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We're not?
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No, no, no.
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You, Rob, as head writer, are an executive,
and all our executives are paid by Alan's
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Japanese company, Ishimaru.
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Ishimaru, is that Japanese?
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DOUG WESLEY: Oh, yes, yes.
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You know, I always thought that was
a combination of Alan's kids' names.
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[chuckles]
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No, no.
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No, they make motorcycles, Rob.
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And, they-- they pay me?
275
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Well, then, who-- who pays Buddy and Sally?
276
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Tam O'Shanter Limited of Scotland.
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00:09:07,086 --> 00:09:10,123
Why can't Tam O'Shanter Limited of
Scotland give them a raise then?
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00:09:10,223 --> 00:09:11,624
Mhm, they're not going too well right, Rob.
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They're not?
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With a book that thick, they're not?
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What ah-- what do they make?
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Mhm, right now very bad investments.
284
00:09:19,699 --> 00:09:21,834
About a few years ago, they were doing very well.
285
00:09:21,935 --> 00:09:23,903
ROB PETRIE: Well, what did they make then?
286
00:09:24,003 --> 00:09:25,638
The Martin and Lewis coloring book.
287
00:09:29,442 --> 00:09:30,677
Wait a minute.
288
00:09:30,777 --> 00:09:32,645
They sold millions of those, Rob, millions.
289
00:09:32,745 --> 00:09:36,516
You mean that I have to go back to tell
Buddy and Sally that they can't get a raise
291
00:09:36,616 --> 00:09:41,454
because Martin and Lewis went-- DOUG
WESLEY: Well, Rob, that's showbiz.
293
00:09:41,554 --> 00:09:45,325
I don't know anything about coloring books or motorcycles,
294
00:09:45,425 --> 00:09:50,096
but it is obvious that, here, Alan is a very, very rich man.
295
00:09:50,196 --> 00:09:53,800
Now he has two employees would like just a little
of that richness and I think they deserve it.
297
00:09:53,900 --> 00:09:55,234
Now maybe I'm stupid.
298
00:09:55,335 --> 00:09:57,136
Of course, Rob, of course.
299
00:10:00,106 --> 00:10:01,341
Rob.
300
00:10:01,441 --> 00:10:03,076
Rob, maybe I can demonstrate it better with the flowers.
301
00:10:03,176 --> 00:10:04,010
The flowers?
302
00:10:04,110 --> 00:10:04,811
Yeah.
303
00:10:04,911 --> 00:10:07,647
Now this pot is Alan Brady.
304
00:10:07,747 --> 00:10:10,783
That's a good casting.
305
00:10:10,883 --> 00:10:13,252
All these flowers are his various enterprises.
306
00:10:13,353 --> 00:10:14,821
He has that many flowers, huh?
307
00:10:14,921 --> 00:10:18,057
Now this big lusty, healthy blue flower, that's Ishimaru.
308
00:10:18,157 --> 00:10:21,027
Ishimaru, ah-- [MAKES MOTORCYCLE
REVVING SOUND] motorcycle's.
310
00:10:21,127 --> 00:10:22,395
Right, right.
311
00:10:22,495 --> 00:10:24,831
Now this sickly little green flower, that's Tam O'Shanter.
312
00:10:24,931 --> 00:10:26,366
Tam O'Shanter, ah, coloring books.
313
00:10:26,466 --> 00:10:27,266
Right.
314
00:10:27,367 --> 00:10:28,601
Got that.
315
00:10:28,701 --> 00:10:31,270
Now this big pink flower, that's Brady Lady.
316
00:10:31,371 --> 00:10:32,472
Brady Lady?
317
00:10:32,572 --> 00:10:34,440
Brady Lady is owned by Alan's wife.
318
00:10:34,540 --> 00:10:35,775
Alan's wife?
319
00:10:35,875 --> 00:10:36,943
She pays the band.
320
00:10:37,043 --> 00:10:38,645
[laughs] Alan's wife pays the band?
321
00:10:38,745 --> 00:10:40,780
Well, it's a perfectly legitimate loophole, Rob.
322
00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:44,317
Wesley, would you check all over these figures
and get an answer back to me right away?
324
00:10:44,417 --> 00:10:47,186
I've been up here 1,000 times, never gave me any flowers.
325
00:10:50,256 --> 00:10:52,892
This lavender flower, now, is Reliance Industries.
326
00:10:52,992 --> 00:10:56,896
So as you can see, Rob, each one of these
flowers is separate from the others and it
328
00:10:56,996 --> 00:10:59,499
would be impossible to pluck a pedal
from one and put it onto the other.
330
00:10:59,599 --> 00:11:00,633
Right.
331
00:11:00,733 --> 00:11:03,736
Well, therefore, you can easily
understand the whole situation.
333
00:11:03,836 --> 00:11:07,206
Not in a million years.
334
00:11:07,306 --> 00:11:07,907
Rob.
335
00:11:08,007 --> 00:11:09,909
Rob, it's so simple.
336
00:11:10,009 --> 00:11:15,882
Mr. Wesley, the only thing I can understand is
I'm paid by a company that's doing great, right.
338
00:11:15,982 --> 00:11:18,751
Now Buddy and Sally are paid by a company that's blah.
339
00:11:18,851 --> 00:11:20,019
Rob, that's it.
340
00:11:20,119 --> 00:11:21,020
That's it.
341
00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:23,022
You've grasped the basic legal point.
342
00:11:23,122 --> 00:11:25,725
So therefore, you can easily see because of the sagging coloring
343
00:11:25,825 --> 00:11:29,695
book picture, it's impossible at this time for
me to approve a raise for Sally and Buddy.
345
00:11:29,796 --> 00:11:34,267
But because of Ishimaru's steadily increasing
industrial index, it is possible for us
347
00:11:34,367 --> 00:11:36,969
to offer all of our executives a 15% raise.
348
00:11:37,070 --> 00:11:40,840
And you, Rob, as one of our top executives,
are getting a 15% raise as of right now.
350
00:11:40,940 --> 00:11:41,774
Congratulations, Rob.
351
00:11:41,874 --> 00:11:42,975
[chuckles]
352
00:11:43,076 --> 00:11:44,544
No, no, no, don't thank me, Rob.
353
00:11:44,644 --> 00:11:46,379
Don't thank me, it's all in the little figures in the books.
354
00:11:46,479 --> 00:11:48,581
But I [inaudible] back the old adding machinery now, Rob.
355
00:11:48,681 --> 00:11:51,517
So if you don't mind-- I came up here
for Buddy and Sal-- Come up any time.
358
00:11:51,617 --> 00:11:52,852
It's been real fun, Rob.
359
00:12:00,659 --> 00:12:01,727
LAURA PETRIE: Hi, darling.
360
00:12:01,827 --> 00:12:02,461
Hi, honey.
361
00:12:02,561 --> 00:12:04,396
How'd rehearsal go?
362
00:12:04,496 --> 00:12:05,464
Not so good, huh?
363
00:12:05,564 --> 00:12:07,266
No, rehearsal went fine.
364
00:12:07,366 --> 00:12:08,500
Well, then, what's the matter?
365
00:12:08,601 --> 00:12:12,905
Well, ah, I got a little news for you.
366
00:12:13,005 --> 00:12:13,839
Bad news?
367
00:12:13,939 --> 00:12:15,107
Well, I don't know.
368
00:12:15,207 --> 00:12:16,075
Most people would say it was good news.
369
00:12:16,175 --> 00:12:17,509
Well, what is it?
370
00:12:17,610 --> 00:12:19,678
ROB PETRIE: I had a meeting with Doug Wesley today.
371
00:12:19,778 --> 00:12:20,713
Who?
372
00:12:20,813 --> 00:12:22,181
Doug Wesley, Alan's business manager.
373
00:12:22,281 --> 00:12:23,415
LAURA PETRIE: Oh.
374
00:12:23,515 --> 00:12:25,784
He informed me that I get a 15% raise.
375
00:12:25,884 --> 00:12:28,020
15% more than you're getting now?
376
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:29,054
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
377
00:12:29,154 --> 00:12:31,123
Oh, darling, that's marvelous.
378
00:12:31,223 --> 00:12:32,691
I'm so proud of you.
379
00:12:35,694 --> 00:12:38,197
So how come you didn't kiss back?
380
00:12:38,297 --> 00:12:40,299
You, ah-- you weren't kissing me.
381
00:12:40,399 --> 00:12:43,669
You were kissing my money.
382
00:12:43,769 --> 00:12:46,138
I'm not so sure it's my money.
383
00:12:46,238 --> 00:12:47,773
What-- what do you mean?
384
00:12:47,873 --> 00:12:50,776
I went to Doug Wesley today on behalf of Buddy and Sally
385
00:12:50,876 --> 00:12:54,279
to get them a raise, which they deserve, but they didn't get.
386
00:12:54,380 --> 00:12:55,581
You mean you got their raise?
387
00:12:55,681 --> 00:12:58,450
No, no, I got my raise, but they're
going to think that it's their raise.
389
00:12:58,550 --> 00:12:59,785
I don't understand.
390
00:12:59,885 --> 00:13:03,088
Well, honey,
what-- you had to be there.
391
00:13:03,188 --> 00:13:04,723
That's all.
392
00:13:04,823 --> 00:13:06,258
Matter of fact, that wouldn't have helped.
393
00:13:06,358 --> 00:13:07,826
I was there and I don't understand.
394
00:13:07,926 --> 00:13:10,229
Well, how could you not understand it?
395
00:13:10,329 --> 00:13:14,066
ROB PETRIE: Honey, you know how every spring when Marvin comes
396
00:13:14,166 --> 00:13:16,835
around and he explains to us about our tax situation
397
00:13:16,935 --> 00:13:20,773
and what our deductions are and everything, and I
always make believe I know what he's talking about?
399
00:13:20,873 --> 00:13:21,974
Yeah.
400
00:13:22,074 --> 00:13:25,077
With Doug Wesley, I couldn't even make believe.
401
00:13:25,177 --> 00:13:28,547
I don't know how I'm ever going to
explain what happened to Buddy and Sally.
403
00:13:28,647 --> 00:13:30,115
Well, I know one thing, darling.
404
00:13:30,215 --> 00:13:32,818
Buddy and Sally would never think you double-crossed them.
405
00:13:32,918 --> 00:13:34,687
What do you-- what do you mean double-crossed them?
406
00:13:34,787 --> 00:13:36,088
I never even had a fight [inaudible]..
407
00:13:36,188 --> 00:13:37,856
Well, because they know you.
408
00:13:37,956 --> 00:13:40,125
Well, if they know me, it doesn't make [inaudible]
409
00:13:40,225 --> 00:13:41,694
than what happened over there.
410
00:13:41,794 --> 00:13:45,664
Rob, if you feel that way, why don't you just
tell them you weren't asking for yourself?
412
00:13:45,764 --> 00:13:48,834
Well, you haven't [inaudible].
413
00:13:48,934 --> 00:13:55,040
Robert Petrie, I did not say that because I want to
keep the money, though I'd like to keep the money.
415
00:13:55,140 --> 00:14:00,646
[chuckles] Good [inaudible] keep the money [inaudible]..
416
00:14:00,746 --> 00:14:02,281
Why can't you do it that way?
417
00:14:02,381 --> 00:14:04,750
Because, honey, [inaudible] that
would to be unethical [inaudible].
419
00:14:04,850 --> 00:14:07,586
No, Rob, you told me many times
before that a lot of head writers
421
00:14:07,686 --> 00:14:10,823
take the whole writing budget and
then pay the other writers themselves.
423
00:14:10,923 --> 00:14:13,559
See, that way you could share the raise.
424
00:14:13,659 --> 00:14:15,427
Or maybe we could give them the whole thing?
425
00:14:15,527 --> 00:14:18,363
Go rinse your mouth out.
426
00:14:18,464 --> 00:14:19,832
Get me Marvin on the phone.
427
00:14:19,932 --> 00:14:23,035
Darling, isn't it kind of late to be calling Marvin?
428
00:14:23,135 --> 00:14:24,436
ROB PETRIE: This is an emergency.
429
00:14:27,172 --> 00:14:30,776
Never see him once a year, all Fools Day just before taxes.
430
00:14:30,876 --> 00:14:34,046
There is a time when he earns his
money for once-- It's ringing.
432
00:14:34,146 --> 00:14:34,980
--to tell me how broke I am.
433
00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:35,914
It's not ringing.
434
00:14:36,014 --> 00:14:37,716
Oh, hi, Marvin.
435
00:14:37,816 --> 00:14:38,851
Rob Petrie.
436
00:14:38,951 --> 00:14:39,685
Yeah, listen.
437
00:14:39,785 --> 00:14:41,520
Marvin, you're an accountant.
438
00:14:41,620 --> 00:14:45,791
[chuckles] No, I didn't wake you up to tell you that.
439
00:14:45,891 --> 00:14:49,695
Listen, Marvin, you're always telling me how good, tax wise,
440
00:14:49,795 --> 00:14:52,898
it is to incorporate and hire my own employees.
441
00:14:52,998 --> 00:14:54,233
It is good?
442
00:14:54,333 --> 00:15:00,539
All right, look, would it be possible for me to
arrange with Alan for me to pay the other writers?
444
00:15:00,639 --> 00:15:04,243
Uh-huh, I see.
445
00:15:04,343 --> 00:15:06,345
I see.
446
00:15:06,445 --> 00:15:08,280
I see.
447
00:15:08,380 --> 00:15:10,582
I see, all right.
448
00:15:10,682 --> 00:15:12,284
Thank you, good night, Marvin.
449
00:15:12,384 --> 00:15:13,452
You didn't see.
450
00:15:13,552 --> 00:15:16,421
Well, honey, I never see with him.
451
00:15:16,522 --> 00:15:17,689
What did he say?
452
00:15:17,790 --> 00:15:24,029
Well, he said something about Delaware.
453
00:15:24,129 --> 00:15:27,699
He knows a Panamanian corporation there.
454
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:29,368
We-- we'd have to move to Switzerland.
455
00:15:29,468 --> 00:15:32,504
You'd be the-- the treasurer of me.
456
00:15:32,604 --> 00:15:33,906
The whole thing, it wouldn't work.
457
00:15:34,006 --> 00:15:35,040
I don't think so.
458
00:15:35,140 --> 00:15:38,844
[groans] You know what I'm gonna have to do?
459
00:15:38,944 --> 00:15:42,114
I'm gonna have to take the raise and
then split it between Buddy and Sally.
461
00:15:42,214 --> 00:15:43,649
Oh, Rob, that won't work.
462
00:15:43,749 --> 00:15:45,884
They'll feel it's charity and you'll feel cheated.
463
00:15:45,984 --> 00:15:48,620
Well, then, I'm gonna have to take
the raise and not tell them about it.
465
00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:49,922
No, no, you don't.
466
00:15:50,022 --> 00:15:53,125
Then you'll hate yourself and
you'll take it out by yelling at me.
468
00:15:53,225 --> 00:15:55,360
Yeah, and Ritchie.
469
00:15:55,460 --> 00:15:59,698
What I should do is take that money and put
it into the Martin and Lewis coloring books.
471
00:15:59,798 --> 00:16:01,733
Martin and Lewis coloring books?
472
00:16:01,834 --> 00:16:02,968
I think you're getting punchy.
473
00:16:03,068 --> 00:16:05,771
Honey, you don't understand business.
474
00:16:05,871 --> 00:16:07,072
The thing is my raise doesn't matter.
475
00:16:07,172 --> 00:16:10,776
If Buddy and Sally don't get their
raise, they're gonna quit.
477
00:16:10,876 --> 00:16:12,211
Well, I know what I have to do.
478
00:16:12,311 --> 00:16:13,545
What?
479
00:16:13,645 --> 00:16:16,548
I have to make myself a big bowl
of hot chili and chopped onions.
481
00:16:16,648 --> 00:16:18,650
Oh, honey, that'll keep you up all night.
482
00:16:18,750 --> 00:16:21,220
You wanna have someone to talk to, don't you?
483
00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:22,221
Get the chili.
484
00:16:25,424 --> 00:16:30,095
Oh, no wonder I'm going bald.
485
00:16:30,195 --> 00:16:31,463
That's all I know.
486
00:16:31,563 --> 00:16:34,466
Now Rob said there are some
details that had to be worked out.
488
00:16:34,566 --> 00:16:36,101
Yeah, that means we didn't get the raise.
489
00:16:38,437 --> 00:16:39,638
Hi, fellas. SALLY ROGERS: Hi.
490
00:16:39,738 --> 00:16:41,006
Hey, he's smiling.
491
00:16:41,106 --> 00:16:42,741
Maybe he worked out things at the management.
492
00:16:42,841 --> 00:16:46,011
Well, [clears throat] not yet.
493
00:16:46,111 --> 00:16:48,447
I'm gonna try and give you the whole picture.
494
00:16:48,547 --> 00:16:51,183
Yeah, I bet those pictures don't
have any presidents on them.
496
00:16:51,283 --> 00:16:53,785
ROB PETRIE: Well, first of all, I met with Doug Wesley.
497
00:16:53,886 --> 00:16:55,220
Did he come through with the raise?
498
00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:56,221
Well, yeah.
499
00:16:56,321 --> 00:16:57,089
Well, how much of a raise?
500
00:16:57,189 --> 00:16:58,190
Well, 15%.
501
00:16:58,290 --> 00:16:59,091
15%?
502
00:16:59,191 --> 00:16:59,925
Hey, that's great.
503
00:17:00,025 --> 00:17:01,326
He's a regular Samuel Gompers.
504
00:17:01,426 --> 00:17:02,628
- It's that-- - That's-- that's great.
505
00:17:02,728 --> 00:17:03,762
Why didn't you tell us last night?
506
00:17:03,862 --> 00:17:04,796
Well, there's a little more.
507
00:17:04,897 --> 00:17:05,697
A little more than 15%?
508
00:17:05,797 --> 00:17:06,798
You mean we split 15%?
509
00:17:06,899 --> 00:17:08,267
No. BUDDY SORRELL: 7.5%
510
00:17:08,367 --> 00:17:09,201
No.
511
00:17:09,301 --> 00:17:10,102
3%?
512
00:17:10,202 --> 00:17:11,436
No, it's 50% raise.
513
00:17:11,536 --> 00:17:12,471
It's there, but nobody got it.
514
00:17:12,571 --> 00:17:14,907
It's a treasure hunt.
515
00:17:15,007 --> 00:17:15,741
All right.
516
00:17:15,841 --> 00:17:17,042
All right, wait a minute now.
517
00:17:17,142 --> 00:17:18,043
Just wait a minute.
518
00:17:18,143 --> 00:17:19,645
Rob, we've used up our 20 questions.
519
00:17:19,745 --> 00:17:21,046
What's going on?
520
00:17:21,146 --> 00:17:25,584
Well, it's a basic thing, but I just
somehow gets all involved if you guys
522
00:17:25,684 --> 00:17:26,985
would just give me a chance. - Uh-huh.
523
00:17:27,085 --> 00:17:28,320
Oh.
524
00:17:28,420 --> 00:17:30,856
It's like this.
525
00:17:30,956 --> 00:17:36,028
Did you-- did you ever see how many of those
Japanese motorcycles are on the streets these days?
527
00:17:36,128 --> 00:17:38,096
What does that got to do with it?
528
00:17:38,196 --> 00:17:40,499
Don't you guys understand what I'm trying to tell you?
529
00:17:40,599 --> 00:17:43,335
I got the 15% raise.
530
00:17:43,435 --> 00:17:45,537
You got our raise?
531
00:17:45,637 --> 00:17:48,140
That's right, and a case of shrimp.
532
00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:49,274
Shrimp?
533
00:17:49,374 --> 00:17:50,575
Yum Yum Shrimp.
534
00:17:50,676 --> 00:17:52,778
Yum Yum Shrimp?
535
00:17:52,878 --> 00:17:54,780
Look, Alan owns a lot of companies.
536
00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:56,915
I am paid by Ishimaru, which is a great company.
537
00:17:57,015 --> 00:18:01,386
You are paid by Tam O'Shanter Limited
of Scotland, which is a rotten company.
539
00:18:01,486 --> 00:18:04,590
That explains it.
540
00:18:04,690 --> 00:18:06,291
He's crazy.
541
00:18:06,391 --> 00:18:07,726
You think I made all that up?
542
00:18:07,826 --> 00:18:08,694
I don't know.
543
00:18:08,794 --> 00:18:10,395
It sounds too ridiculous.
544
00:18:10,495 --> 00:18:11,863
Hey, Rob.
545
00:18:11,964 --> 00:18:13,465
This is on the level, right?
546
00:18:13,565 --> 00:18:14,700
I'm sorry, Sal.
547
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:15,867
I did my best.
548
00:18:15,968 --> 00:18:16,868
Boy, you did better then your best.
549
00:18:16,969 --> 00:18:18,136
You got yourself a raise.
550
00:18:18,236 --> 00:18:19,972
Yeah, don't forget the case of shrimp.
551
00:18:20,072 --> 00:18:21,974
Wait a minute, I'm not accepting my raise.
552
00:18:22,074 --> 00:18:24,209
Yeah, but Rob, that doesn't do anything for us.
553
00:18:24,309 --> 00:18:25,711
Laura said you'd say that.
554
00:18:25,811 --> 00:18:27,112
All right, look, I'll split it with you, huh?
555
00:18:27,212 --> 00:18:28,880
Oh, no, we're not taking any charity.
556
00:18:28,981 --> 00:18:30,716
Laura said you'd say that too.
557
00:18:30,816 --> 00:18:32,584
Ah, did Laura say, we quit?
558
00:18:32,684 --> 00:18:33,652
No, I said that.
559
00:18:33,752 --> 00:18:35,988
You're right.
560
00:18:36,088 --> 00:18:37,489
Look, I know how you guys feel.
561
00:18:37,589 --> 00:18:39,891
But what in the world good is quitting going to do you?
562
00:18:39,992 --> 00:18:43,895
Well, nothing for my pocketbook,
but a lot for my ego.
564
00:18:43,996 --> 00:18:46,598
Buddy, let's go see that accountant
while we're still burned up. Come on.
566
00:18:46,698 --> 00:18:48,033
Yeah.
567
00:18:48,133 --> 00:18:49,601
And while we're there, we'll ask for a raise for you.
568
00:18:49,701 --> 00:18:51,303
Look, fellas, don't be mad at me.
569
00:18:51,403 --> 00:18:52,471
Oh, we're not mad.
570
00:18:52,571 --> 00:18:53,939
That's the secret around here.
571
00:18:54,039 --> 00:18:56,141
You ask for a raise for somebody else, you'll get it.
572
00:19:12,124 --> 00:19:13,158
Well?
573
00:19:13,258 --> 00:19:14,092
Goodbye.
574
00:19:14,192 --> 00:19:15,360
You're kidding.
575
00:19:15,460 --> 00:19:17,195
We'll write to you.
576
00:19:17,295 --> 00:19:18,663
What did he say?
577
00:19:18,764 --> 00:19:20,532
How's Bermuda this time of year?
578
00:19:20,632 --> 00:19:21,800
Very expensive.
579
00:19:21,900 --> 00:19:24,369
All right, so I'll go to a movie.
580
00:19:24,469 --> 00:19:25,771
Sal, you're not serious.
581
00:19:25,871 --> 00:19:28,507
Listen, if I'm like me,
I'll never meet an eligible bachelor.
583
00:19:28,607 --> 00:19:29,608
You're serious.
584
00:19:29,708 --> 00:19:30,876
Right.
585
00:19:30,976 --> 00:19:32,711
Boy, I thought for sure they'd back down.
586
00:19:32,811 --> 00:19:34,479
Yeah, I went upstairs and had what's his name?
587
00:19:34,579 --> 00:19:35,981
At Irving's Accountant.
588
00:19:36,081 --> 00:19:40,419
He told us all about the-- the Japanese
motorcycles and the Lewis Martin coloring book.
590
00:19:40,519 --> 00:19:43,288
Do you know that Alan Brady's wife pays the band?
591
00:19:43,388 --> 00:19:44,256
I know.
592
00:19:44,356 --> 00:19:45,524
The whole thing's insane.
593
00:19:45,624 --> 00:19:46,825
But they let you quit?
594
00:19:46,925 --> 00:19:48,060
I can't believe that.
595
00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:53,065
All right, so what are you gonna do, arrange
a reconciliation between Martin and Lewis?
597
00:19:53,165 --> 00:19:55,267
No.
598
00:19:55,367 --> 00:19:58,837
I'm gonna go up there and give Mr. Numbers
a little lesson in arithmetic.
600
00:19:58,937 --> 00:20:02,474
I want to show him that three writers
minus two writers is no writers.
602
00:20:02,574 --> 00:20:03,442
What do you mean?
603
00:20:03,542 --> 00:20:05,444
If you go, I go.
604
00:20:05,544 --> 00:20:07,612
Hey, you mean that, Rob?
605
00:20:07,713 --> 00:20:09,081
My electric razors in there.
606
00:20:09,181 --> 00:20:10,482
My emergency shirt is there.
607
00:20:10,582 --> 00:20:11,850
My galoshes are in the piano bench.
608
00:20:11,950 --> 00:20:16,354
Pack me and don't leave without me.
609
00:20:16,455 --> 00:20:18,190
Mr. Wesley.
610
00:20:18,290 --> 00:20:19,825
I was kind of expecting you, Rob.
611
00:20:19,925 --> 00:20:21,793
I gather that Buddy and Sally meant what they said.
612
00:20:21,893 --> 00:20:23,061
They sure did.
613
00:20:23,161 --> 00:20:25,730
Well, I tried to explain it to them,
Rob, you know the organization.
615
00:20:25,831 --> 00:20:27,699
I don't want any corporate pictures.
616
00:20:27,799 --> 00:20:31,870
I don't want to hear about motorcycles or
shrimp boats or coloring books or garbage can.
618
00:20:31,970 --> 00:20:33,705
Garbage cans, we don't make garbage cans, Rob.
619
00:20:33,805 --> 00:20:34,973
Oh, no?
620
00:20:35,073 --> 00:20:37,542
Well, that's too bad because that's
where all this kind of junk belongs.
622
00:20:37,642 --> 00:20:41,113
Look, first I want to tell you, I understand
that you have to have corporations and companies
624
00:20:41,213 --> 00:20:45,917
and dozens a little book with a lot of numbers in
them, but numbers didn't make Alan Brady a star.
626
00:20:46,017 --> 00:20:48,286
People do, people like Buddy and Sally.
627
00:20:48,386 --> 00:20:52,257
And if you're such a smart guy, put it out on the air
next week with a motorcycle and an adding machine.
629
00:20:52,357 --> 00:20:54,893
We'll add up how many laughs he gets to the gallon.
630
00:20:54,993 --> 00:20:55,794
Rob, I don't get it.
631
00:20:55,894 --> 00:20:57,496
What do you saying?
632
00:20:57,596 --> 00:21:00,532
I'll make it very clear to you with your own little method.
633
00:21:06,138 --> 00:21:08,440
Mr. Wesley, this pot is the "Alan Brady Show", right.
634
00:21:08,540 --> 00:21:09,341
Right.
635
00:21:09,441 --> 00:21:10,442
Ha.
636
00:21:10,542 --> 00:21:12,644
And this lovely red flower is Alan Brady.
637
00:21:12,744 --> 00:21:13,845
Uh-huh.
638
00:21:13,945 --> 00:21:20,051
No you take away Sally Rogers and
Buddy Sorrell and Robert Petrie.
640
00:21:20,152 --> 00:21:24,856
And all Alan has left is an empty pot.
641
00:21:24,956 --> 00:21:28,960
And if he treats the rest of staff around here like
he treats the writers, he won't even have a pot.
643
00:21:29,060 --> 00:21:30,195
And listen to this.
644
00:21:30,295 --> 00:21:31,196
[phone rings]
645
00:21:31,296 --> 00:21:32,430
Ah, yeah.
646
00:21:32,531 --> 00:21:33,798
What-- hold on a minute.
647
00:21:33,899 --> 00:21:35,734
Rob, what are you saying?
648
00:21:35,834 --> 00:21:37,169
Are you saying that you quit too?
649
00:21:37,269 --> 00:21:37,869
Oh, yes.
650
00:21:37,969 --> 00:21:39,171
I am saying that I quit.
651
00:21:39,271 --> 00:21:40,839
And you can keep your case of shrimp too.
652
00:21:40,939 --> 00:21:42,574
Is that Alan on there? - Yeah.
653
00:21:42,674 --> 00:21:43,975
Good.
654
00:21:44,075 --> 00:21:45,544
I'd just like to tell him that his motorcycle's
655
00:21:45,644 --> 00:21:47,879
may not care what price they put on it, but his people do.
656
00:21:47,979 --> 00:21:51,049
They're human beings,
they're not machines, Mr-- never mind.
658
00:21:51,149 --> 00:21:52,651
I'll tell you on the way out.
659
00:21:52,751 --> 00:21:53,885
DOUG WESLEY: Rob, wait a minute.
660
00:21:53,985 --> 00:21:55,320
Alan, yeah.
661
00:21:55,420 --> 00:21:56,655
Yeah, all three of them.
662
00:21:56,755 --> 00:21:59,824
No, contractually they can't quit, but we can fire them.
663
00:21:59,925 --> 00:22:00,725
Oh, no.
664
00:22:00,825 --> 00:22:02,494
Oh, no, we quit.
665
00:22:02,594 --> 00:22:03,595
We quit! [phone clicks]
666
00:22:03,695 --> 00:22:05,096
He hung up.
667
00:22:05,197 --> 00:22:05,831
We quit!
668
00:22:05,931 --> 00:22:07,065
We're quitting!
669
00:22:19,811 --> 00:22:20,712
Hi, gang.
670
00:22:20,812 --> 00:22:21,980
Well, well, what he say?
671
00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:24,649
Well, they couldn't give you a raise.
672
00:22:24,749 --> 00:22:26,184
All right, I told you.
673
00:22:26,284 --> 00:22:27,018
All right.
674
00:22:27,118 --> 00:22:28,687
What did you say, did you quit?
675
00:22:28,787 --> 00:22:32,157
Well, they wouldn't let me or you, but he did fire you.
676
00:22:32,257 --> 00:22:33,558
Fired us?
677
00:22:33,658 --> 00:22:35,760
Yes, your contract says he can fire you, but you can't quit.
678
00:22:35,860 --> 00:22:39,831
You mean to say that we don't even
get the satisfaction of quitting?
680
00:22:39,931 --> 00:22:41,733
Yeah, ain't that a shame?
681
00:22:41,833 --> 00:22:43,068
What are you so happy about?
682
00:22:43,168 --> 00:22:44,870
Oh, I'm just happy about your new jobs.
683
00:22:44,970 --> 00:22:46,671
We've got new jobs already?
684
00:22:46,771 --> 00:22:47,639
SALLY ROGERS: With whom?
685
00:22:47,739 --> 00:22:49,140
Barracuda Limited.
686
00:22:49,241 --> 00:22:50,675
Barracuda, what is that?
687
00:22:50,775 --> 00:22:55,747
Alan Brady's mother-in-law, a subsidiary of Brady Lady.
688
00:22:55,847 --> 00:22:56,881
We're playing in the band?
689
00:22:56,982 --> 00:22:59,951
[laughs] No, this is just
another one of Alan's companies.
691
00:23:00,051 --> 00:23:01,119
Hey, Rob, are you serious?
692
00:23:01,219 --> 00:23:02,254
Sure.
693
00:23:02,354 --> 00:23:05,590
You see, Wesley couldn't find one extra
dollar to pay you until he finally realized
695
00:23:05,690 --> 00:23:06,891
that we meant business.
696
00:23:06,992 --> 00:23:09,861
Now what he did was simply fire you from
a company that couldn't afford to pay it
698
00:23:09,961 --> 00:23:11,396
and hire you to one that could.
699
00:23:11,496 --> 00:23:12,964
You mean they had the money all along?
700
00:23:13,064 --> 00:23:15,300
Yeah, they just didn't know what
pocket it was in, that's all.
702
00:23:15,400 --> 00:23:16,268
BUDDY AND SALLY: [cheering and applause]
703
00:23:16,368 --> 00:23:16,801
How about that?
704
00:23:16,901 --> 00:23:18,036
Beautiful.
705
00:23:18,136 --> 00:23:19,604
Yeah, how about-- hey, wait a minute.
706
00:23:19,704 --> 00:23:20,505
Wait a minute.
707
00:23:20,605 --> 00:23:21,940
Who do we write for?
708
00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:23,141
Alan Brady or his mother-in-law? ROB PETRIE: [laughs]
709
00:23:23,241 --> 00:23:24,909
Who cares? We got a raise.
710
00:23:25,010 --> 00:23:26,111
We're back in business, we're working.
711
00:23:26,211 --> 00:23:27,746
Yeah, we got our self-respect.
712
00:23:27,846 --> 00:23:29,214
Yeah.
713
00:23:29,314 --> 00:23:30,682
All right, now friends, everybody in working position.
714
00:23:30,782 --> 00:23:34,919
OK, back to the typewriter.
715
00:23:35,020 --> 00:23:38,523
[whistling and then sniffing]
716
00:23:45,329 --> 00:23:46,497
They couldn't be gardening up here.
717
00:23:46,597 --> 00:23:49,300
We're on the 28th floor.
718
00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:50,234
Hi, Rob.
719
00:23:50,334 --> 00:23:51,469
Hi, Sally.
720
00:23:53,805 --> 00:23:58,242
[sniffing] Hey, what kind of shaving lotion are you using?
721
00:23:58,342 --> 00:24:00,077
It's not me, it's the office.
722
00:24:00,178 --> 00:24:02,246
What did you do, shave the office this morning?
723
00:24:02,346 --> 00:24:03,247
No.
724
00:24:09,620 --> 00:24:10,822
Sheepshead Bay.
725
00:24:13,324 --> 00:24:14,358
The Gulf of Mexico.
726
00:24:14,458 --> 00:24:15,760
Mhm?
727
00:24:15,860 --> 00:24:17,461
Hey, Buddy, did a package come for me last Friday?
728
00:24:17,562 --> 00:24:19,263
Yeah, from Reliance Industries.
729
00:24:19,363 --> 00:24:20,298
Where did you put it?
730
00:24:20,398 --> 00:24:22,133
In a filing cabinet under R.
731
00:24:22,233 --> 00:24:23,634
That's for oysters.
732
00:24:23,734 --> 00:24:26,170
You should have put it under S. That is frozen shrimp.
733
00:24:26,270 --> 00:24:29,373
Frozen shrimp in the filing cabinet all weekend?
734
00:24:29,474 --> 00:24:32,677
[groans]
735
00:24:32,777 --> 00:24:33,845
Open everything.
736
00:24:33,945 --> 00:24:35,580
Oh, boy!
737
00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:36,581
Not the piano.
738
00:24:36,681 --> 00:24:38,716
Everybody light matches.
739
00:24:38,816 --> 00:24:39,951
Oh, no.
740
00:24:40,051 --> 00:24:44,822
[theme song]
48935
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