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[theme music]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey
Amsterdam, Larry Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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You sure he'll only have to be here a few days?
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Oh, the doctor said maybe not even that long.
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Oh, good.
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Is that tight enough?
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Yeah, tight, tight.
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Oh, good.
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Now you stay there and be a good boy.
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Stay there?
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Where am I going?
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Visiting hours are over, Mrs. Petrie.
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Oh.
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Darling, does it hurt very much?
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Only when I do anything.
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Would you hand me the microphone there?
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Oh, Rob, you shouldn't be fooling
around with a tape recorder now.
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You're supposed to be resting.
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I'm resting.
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Look, I want to get this thing down while the
memory and the pain are still fresh in my being.
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I suppose I'm going to be the villain in this chapter.
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A good writer does not set out to make a villain.
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Villainy evolves.
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I'm going to put the facts down and
we'll let the guilt fall where it may.
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You're still angry with me, aren't you?
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No, I'm not angry.
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You look angry.
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Well, it's just that I'll probably
have to have all my clothes altered.
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I've been stretched four inches in here.
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You know I love tall man.
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Yes, how about swans?
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Goodbye, darling.
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I'll see you tomorrow.
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OK, bye.
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Goodbye, Ms. Taylor.
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Goodbye, Mrs. Petrie.
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Ms. Taylor, would you switch on that tape recorder?
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On one condition.
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What's that?
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That I can stay and listen to the story.
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OK.
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[clears throat]
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All right, let's see.
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I am in the hospital.
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I am in traction and having such pain
as would put a lesser man in tears.
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Let's, for the time being, title this chapter how to put
your husband into the hospital without really trying.
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Let me say this, my wife is responsible for my being here.
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My injuries include a muscle spasm, a stiff
neck, a pinched nerve, and a sore nose.
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It all started a few days ago in a very swanky
after-theater restaurant called Rocky Leon's.
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ROB (VOICEOVER): The place was pretty crowded so we had to sit at the bar until our table was
ready, which I wasn't too happy about because there was a guy there who was flirting with Laura.
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Honey, could I have a little more peanuts there?
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- Sure, darling. - Thank you.
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Sure, honey, give the monkey some
peanuts and then get rid of him.
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Look, fella.
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Look, fella.
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Look, fella.
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Hey, Vinnie, fill it up again, will you?
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You've had enough, Mr. Cavendish.
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I've never had enough.
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Hi, honey.
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I'm gonna belt that guy.
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Rob, he doesn't mean it.
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Well, I don't like him bothering you.
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He's not bothering me.
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Well, he happens to be bothering me.
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Hi, Rob.
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Well, Ed, how are you?
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Good to see you. - Good to see you.
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Laura, this is Ed Wilson.
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Ed, this is my wife Laura.
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How do you do?
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I read your column every day.
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Well, that's why I write it.
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Well, Rob, anything new on "The Alan Brady Show."
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Uh, no, matter of fact, not even the jokes.
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Oh, good, I'll use that.
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Don't you dare use that.
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You have 'til the end of the evening
to come up with something better.
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- OK, you got a deal. - See you.
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You bet, Ed.
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Nice meeting you, Laura.
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Hey, monkey.
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Hey, you on television, huh?
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Honey, would you like a drink?
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No.
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That's where you met this little cutie
pus, dancing the chorus line, huh?
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How about having a few steps with me, honey?
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Uh, Rob, why don't you see if our table's ready, huh?
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That's right, get rid of the monkey.
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Now, look-- Rob.
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Listen, you just leave us alone and keep your
mouth shut and there won't be any trouble.
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[imitating monkey]
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Oh, the monkey wants to fight, huh?
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No, I didn't say I wanted to fight.
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Oh, the monkey's afraid to fight.
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Rob, why don't you let Vinnie handle this.
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How do you like that?
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They want Vinnie to handle me.
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Ridiculous.
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I'm your husband.
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I'm going to handle this.
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Rob, you are not going to fight.
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I'm not gonna fight.
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I'm just gonna try a little psychology.
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The only thing good on TV are
little cutie pusses like you, huh?
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You!
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What's that?
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I told you I didn't want to fight,
but I think I'd better warn you.
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I'm a black belt karate expert and these hands are
registered with the police department as lethal weapons.
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Now I'm obliged by law to tell you that first.
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Well, thanks for the warning.
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Hey, come on, baby, let's you and I go dancing.
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[exertion sounds] - What the!
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[thud]
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What did you just do?
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I don't know.
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It looked like Judo.
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Yeah, it was.
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Well, where'd you ever learn Judo?
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Well, when I was doing those army shows, we
learned, you know, well self-defense, kind of.
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Darling, are you all right?
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This is fantastic.
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Your table is ready.
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And a bottle of wine, compliments
of the house, for you and the champ.
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Oh, thank you.
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I didn't know this could work.
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I never tried it.
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Excuse me!
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I've never seen anything like it.
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ROB (VOICEOVER): At first, I was a little embarrassed
that my masculine supremacy had been dented.
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But by the time we got home, I agreed it was pretty funny.
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The next day at my office, I found out differently.
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- Hi. - Oh, hi, Rob.
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How's your nose? - Fine.
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Fine?
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I thought it was busted.
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How did you know about my nose?
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It was in the paper.
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Didn't you read it?
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My nose is in the paper?
142
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Are you kidding?
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Your schnoz is more famous than that Cyrano de Burgundy.
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Yeah, it was in Ed Wilson's column.
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Oh, by the way, how's the adorable Amazon?
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Who?
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Laura, the adorable Amazon.
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Oh, boy, what does it say?
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OK, rest your nose, I'll read it.
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"Last night at Rocky Leon's, Rob Petrie, head scribe of the Alan
Brady video madness introduced me to his lovely femme Laura.
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I made note that she was a knockout.
152
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And about two minutes later, she proved it."
153
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Is all this correct according to the record?
154
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It's reasonably accurate.
155
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I did introduce him to Laura.
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Proceed.
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"A lush got fresh with the little lady and
Rob stepped in to do the Sir Galahad bit.
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He was promptly flattened with a shot in the snoot and would have been mauled if
his adorable Amazon hadn't decked the bar fly with a perfectly executed judo flip.
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Note to Alan, laugh at Petrie's
jokes or his wife will flatten you."
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Oh.
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Hey, Rob, come on, don't be upset.
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My wife Pickles once saved me from getting shot.
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What do you mean?
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She married me.
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Oh, this is terrible.
166
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No, I don't know about you,
but I kind of think it's adorable.
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Well, you would, you're a woman.
168
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Don't you understand what this thing says?
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It says that Laura defended you like
any good two-fisted wife should.
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Yeah, what are you worried about, Rob?
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She's on your side, you married a bodyguard.
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Don't you realize what a ribbing
I'm gonna get on account of this?
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Oh, a lot more vicious than you're getting
right now because nobody loves you like we do.
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00:07:02,965 --> 00:07:06,176
Thanks, but I just don't think Ed Wilson
should have put this in his column.
175
00:07:06,218 --> 00:07:08,595
You're right, it should be on the sport pages.
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Oh, by the way, Rob, where's Laura fighting tonight?
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Oh!
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You see that?
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Boy, it's already blown up all out of proportion already.
180
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She catches one guy off guard, all of a sudden she's
the adorable Amazon and I'm a 98-pound weakling.
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You only weigh 98 pounds?
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You know, Rob, I think you're just sore
because Laura was able to save your life.
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Oh, no.
184
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I'm proud that Laura can take care of herself.
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And still be able to beat you up.
186
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She didn't beat me up, she beat the other guy up.
187
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Yeah, but he beat you up and she beat him
up, which means that she can beat you up.
188
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He's right, Rob.
189
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She's got a legitimate shot at the title.
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What title?
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Man of the house.
192
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Oh, that's very cute.
193
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That's very cute.
194
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Listen, you two keep it up, and I am going home.
195
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Now, wait a minute, this could make a funny sketch, you know,
about a dopey guy whose wife is always beating him up.
196
00:08:05,110 --> 00:08:07,654
Or-- Or nothing.
197
00:08:07,696 --> 00:08:08,989
Listen, that's not a bad idea.
198
00:08:09,031 --> 00:08:12,993
We could do this sketch about this dopey guy whose
wife always beats him up after an argument.
199
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:18,540
And instead of her saying, I'm going home to mother,
she gives him a Judo-- we could go on a picnic.
200
00:08:18,582 --> 00:08:20,167
I'll bring the sandwiches.
201
00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:23,295
Yeah, I'll bring the jams and jellies.
202
00:08:23,295 --> 00:08:24,213
Hello?
203
00:08:24,254 --> 00:08:26,173
Yeah, this is Petrie.
204
00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:27,758
My wife in what?
205
00:08:27,799 --> 00:08:29,343
In the Olympics, huh?
206
00:08:29,343 --> 00:08:31,094
Who is this?
207
00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:33,847
Oh, hi, Alan.
208
00:08:33,889 --> 00:08:36,850
Right, yeah, kind of a funny item, wasn't it?
209
00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:43,357
[laughs] Well, yeah, that was pretty much-- you know,
Ed Wilson, he kind of exaggerates a little bit.
210
00:08:43,357 --> 00:08:44,274
Yeah.
211
00:08:44,316 --> 00:08:46,527
What?
212
00:08:46,527 --> 00:08:49,029
Well, we could think it over.
213
00:08:49,071 --> 00:08:52,199
Yeah, well, I tell you, we'll talk
about it and let you know, Alan.
214
00:08:52,241 --> 00:08:53,158
Yeah.
215
00:08:53,158 --> 00:08:54,243
OK.
216
00:08:54,284 --> 00:08:56,411
Hey, listen, very funny about the Olympics.
217
00:08:56,453 --> 00:08:58,330
[laughs] That's cute.
218
00:08:58,330 --> 00:08:59,414
Bye.
219
00:09:04,670 --> 00:09:10,634
He wants us to write a sketch about
a wife who can beat up her husband.
220
00:09:10,676 --> 00:09:13,470
Well, we can't do it, we're going on a picnic.
221
00:09:13,512 --> 00:09:16,139
[phone rings]
222
00:09:18,016 --> 00:09:22,062
I don't want to be a stool
pigeon, but the phone is ringing.
223
00:09:22,104 --> 00:09:25,732
You feel a little tingling in your fingers?
224
00:09:25,774 --> 00:09:27,067
Well, aren't you gonna answer it?
225
00:09:27,109 --> 00:09:27,818
Why?
226
00:09:27,860 --> 00:09:28,861
I know what's coming.
227
00:09:28,861 --> 00:09:30,237
I'm gonna get another harpoon.
228
00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:31,405
[phone rings]
229
00:09:31,405 --> 00:09:34,116
OK, Moby Dick, I'll answer it.
230
00:09:34,157 --> 00:09:34,825
Hello?
231
00:09:34,867 --> 00:09:35,951
LAURA (ON PHONE): Hi.
232
00:09:35,993 --> 00:09:38,287
Oh, hi, tiger, how's the old arm?
233
00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:39,746
You saw the article, huh?
234
00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:41,665
Yeah, he was funny.
235
00:09:41,707 --> 00:09:44,001
Listen, Laura, I got a date with Herman tonight.
236
00:09:44,042 --> 00:09:45,544
You want to come along for protection?
237
00:09:45,544 --> 00:09:47,963
Oh, come on, Sally, you can handle Herman.
238
00:09:48,005 --> 00:09:49,298
Oh, I can handle Herman.
239
00:09:49,339 --> 00:09:52,885
It's not Herman, it's his mother White Fang.
240
00:09:52,885 --> 00:09:56,346
Wait a minute, here's Rob.
241
00:09:56,388 --> 00:09:57,264
Hi, honey.
242
00:09:57,306 --> 00:09:58,599
Hi.
243
00:09:58,599 --> 00:10:00,100
Listen, isn't this item in the paper a riot?
244
00:10:00,142 --> 00:10:02,728
Rob, I tell you, the phone hasn't stopped ringing all day.
245
00:10:02,728 --> 00:10:05,647
Yeah, well, I have had a few phone calls myself.
246
00:10:05,689 --> 00:10:10,819
Listen, Millie said this adorable Amazon thing
was an insult. I don't think so, do you?
247
00:10:10,861 --> 00:10:12,112
Oh, of course not.
248
00:10:12,154 --> 00:10:14,948
I think he meant it with the utmost respect.
249
00:10:14,990 --> 00:10:17,451
LAURA (ON PHONE): Rob, you sound upset.
250
00:10:17,451 --> 00:10:19,036
Why should I be upset?
251
00:10:19,077 --> 00:10:23,457
Well, the way it was written, it sounds
like I saved your life or something.
252
00:10:23,457 --> 00:10:26,126
Well, honey,
I-- [laughs] I think it's funny.
253
00:10:26,168 --> 00:10:28,128
As a matter of fact, Alan wants us to do a sketch about it.
254
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:32,007
Yeah, but we'll change your name to protect you.
255
00:10:32,049 --> 00:10:35,802
My gosh, Rob, everyone in this
whole town must read that column.
256
00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:42,559
Listen, I stopped at the market to get some meat, and
Marty behind the counter wanted to Indian wrestle.
257
00:10:42,601 --> 00:10:44,937
Gee, that's funny.
258
00:10:44,937 --> 00:10:48,315
Marty sure is a funny butcher.
259
00:10:48,357 --> 00:10:50,817
LAURA (ON PHONE): And darling, Ritchie was so cute.
260
00:10:50,859 --> 00:10:52,986
He was still here when Millie came over with the paper.
261
00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:54,154
Mm-hmm.
262
00:10:54,196 --> 00:10:55,864
And so I told him to finish drinking his milk.
263
00:10:55,906 --> 00:10:59,326
And he said sure, because he wanted to grow
up and be big and strong like his mommy.
264
00:11:03,288 --> 00:11:05,082
Ah, that's funny, honey.
265
00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:06,750
Listen, I gotta be getting back to work.
266
00:11:06,792 --> 00:11:07,668
LAURA (ON PHONE): OK.
267
00:11:07,709 --> 00:11:08,669
Oh, how's your nose?
268
00:11:08,710 --> 00:11:09,962
My nose is fine.
269
00:11:09,962 --> 00:11:13,173
Looks a little out of joint from here.
270
00:11:13,215 --> 00:11:14,716
Honey, I'll call you a little later.
271
00:11:14,758 --> 00:11:16,218
LAURA (ON PHONE): OK, bye, dear.
272
00:11:16,260 --> 00:11:17,344
Bye.
273
00:11:20,264 --> 00:11:24,309
Sally, what do you think that look means?
274
00:11:24,309 --> 00:11:28,939
Well, I'd say he was seriously thinking
about killing the next person who ribs him.
275
00:11:28,981 --> 00:11:33,193
Or sending Laura to kill the next person who ribs him.
276
00:11:33,235 --> 00:11:38,365
Watch it, these hands are registered with a junkyard.
277
00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:41,201
ROB (VOICEOVER): Things got worse as the day went on.
278
00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:43,954
I was the target for every wise cracker in show business.
279
00:11:43,996 --> 00:11:46,790
And by the time I got home, I was looking for trouble.
280
00:11:46,832 --> 00:11:47,708
Hi, darling.
281
00:11:47,749 --> 00:11:49,042
Hi.
282
00:11:51,253 --> 00:11:52,379
Anything wrong?
283
00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:56,175
Darling?
284
00:11:58,635 --> 00:11:59,887
All right, why play games?
285
00:11:59,887 --> 00:12:02,264
You're tough, you can take it.
286
00:12:02,306 --> 00:12:04,433
Rob, what happened?
287
00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:15,068
If they took all the bad days in my life and piled 'em one on top of another, that includes
the day I fell out of a tree and broke my cheek, if they piled all those together,
288
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:18,739
they could not equal the badness of this day.
289
00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:29,124
Because of you and your barroom brawling, I have been the butt
of the worst jokes and telephone calls and telegrams and this.
290
00:12:29,166 --> 00:12:29,958
A feather?
291
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:30,918
Yeah, that's a white feather.
292
00:12:30,959 --> 00:12:33,045
It's symbolism.
293
00:12:33,045 --> 00:12:37,174
You know, another anonymous rat had a
good idea, he sent me a live chicken.
294
00:12:39,843 --> 00:12:41,553
Oh, come on, darling.
295
00:12:41,553 --> 00:12:42,930
They're just having fun.
296
00:12:42,930 --> 00:12:47,726
Well, I'll admit, I saw the humor in all this
for a little while, but to a point, that is.
297
00:12:47,726 --> 00:12:50,562
I think maybe it was a chicken that did it.
298
00:12:50,562 --> 00:12:52,105
Yeah, that was a bit much.
299
00:12:52,147 --> 00:12:54,650
I mean, after all, you did try to defend me.
300
00:12:54,691 --> 00:12:56,693
I mean, you did, you did defend me.
301
00:12:56,735 --> 00:12:59,238
It was never a question of bravery.
302
00:12:59,238 --> 00:13:00,614
Just ability.
303
00:13:00,656 --> 00:13:04,284
Oh, Rob, you're being silly.
304
00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:06,286
How come you never dress like a girl?
305
00:13:12,084 --> 00:13:13,168
What?
306
00:13:13,210 --> 00:13:17,464
Well, honey, I mean, shirts and slacks, shirts and
slacks, that's all I ever see when I come home.
307
00:13:17,506 --> 00:13:19,299
But you love me in slacks.
308
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:22,594
Well, yeah, but whatever happened to dresses?
309
00:13:22,594 --> 00:13:28,225
I wear dr-- Rob, you know, this is about
the stupidest conversation we've ever had.
310
00:13:28,267 --> 00:13:33,438
I mean, just because your male ego took a beating
today is no reason to attack my femininity.
311
00:13:33,438 --> 00:13:36,316
Well, I'm sorry.
312
00:13:36,358 --> 00:13:41,154
Honey, you gotta face the fact that today
men and women compete in everything.
313
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:44,366
And people see something like that in the
newspaper, they're gonna jump right on it.
314
00:13:44,408 --> 00:13:48,829
Yeah, well, in this house,
man is still man and woman is still woman.
315
00:13:48,829 --> 00:13:52,040
And you don't have to be a
caveman to prove your masculinity.
316
00:13:52,082 --> 00:13:53,917
Well, I'm glad you feel that way, honey.
317
00:13:53,959 --> 00:13:56,170
Well, I couldn't feel any other way.
318
00:13:56,170 --> 00:14:02,050
And I'll guarantee you something, the men who teased you the
most are the ones who are the least secure in their own homes.
319
00:14:02,092 --> 00:14:05,679
Boy, oh boy, are you right about that.
320
00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:08,182
It takes a lot more than muscle to make a man, right?
321
00:14:08,223 --> 00:14:10,517
Right.
322
00:14:10,559 --> 00:14:17,149
You know, some of these guys had the nerve to come up to
me and say, well, I understand your wife can beat you up.
323
00:14:17,149 --> 00:14:19,109
And what difference does it make?
324
00:14:19,151 --> 00:14:23,572
Yeah, what difference-- What
difference does it make?
325
00:14:23,614 --> 00:14:26,658
That I can beat you up, it doesn't matter.
326
00:14:26,658 --> 00:14:28,619
That you can beat me up?
327
00:14:28,660 --> 00:14:31,830
Do you mean to say that you think that you can beat me up?
328
00:14:31,830 --> 00:14:33,373
Oh, Rob, this is silly.
329
00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:34,583
No, answer me.
330
00:14:34,625 --> 00:14:36,668
You think you can beat me up?
331
00:14:36,668 --> 00:14:39,963
Darling, until this moment, I never really thought about it.
332
00:14:40,005 --> 00:14:41,256
Thought?
333
00:14:41,298 --> 00:14:42,591
What in the world is there to think about?
334
00:14:42,633 --> 00:14:46,178
I could flatten you with one hand behind my back.
335
00:14:46,178 --> 00:14:49,890
Yeah, darling, I guess you could, if you wanted to.
336
00:14:49,890 --> 00:14:50,807
Well, I don't want to.
337
00:14:50,849 --> 00:14:52,059
Good.
338
00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:55,854
But I mean, where in your wildest dreams you
ever get the idea that you could beat me up?
339
00:14:55,854 --> 00:14:57,356
I didn't.
340
00:14:57,356 --> 00:15:03,779
Oh no, that guy beat up on me and you beat up on him,
so you think that you can therefore beat up on me?
341
00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:04,947
Hey, how about that?
342
00:15:04,988 --> 00:15:07,241
Oh, come on.
343
00:15:07,282 --> 00:15:08,909
You believe in your publicity?
344
00:15:08,951 --> 00:15:10,577
Look, the guy caught me a little off guard.
345
00:15:10,619 --> 00:15:13,705
He caught you-- You caught him off
guard, and that's all there is to it.
346
00:15:13,705 --> 00:15:16,500
No, not quite, I do happen to know a little Judo.
347
00:15:16,542 --> 00:15:19,586
Now, come on, Mr. Moto.
348
00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:23,924
You mean, you think you could toss me
around the way you toss that drunk around.
349
00:15:23,924 --> 00:15:26,468
Of course not, Rob, now let's forget it.
350
00:15:26,510 --> 00:15:31,223
No, no, wait a minute, you think you can
toss me around, I'd like to see you try.
351
00:15:31,223 --> 00:15:32,349
Come on.
352
00:15:32,391 --> 00:15:34,101
Well, I didn't to say I could toss you around.
353
00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:36,436
I said I could toss you down.
354
00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:37,729
Oh, oh-ho-ho!
355
00:15:37,729 --> 00:15:38,856
Is that so?
356
00:15:38,897 --> 00:15:39,857
All right, let's see you try that.
357
00:15:39,898 --> 00:15:41,108
- Well-- - Come on.
358
00:15:41,108 --> 00:15:42,609
Oh, Rob, now this is silly.
359
00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:44,111
It is not silly.
360
00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:46,029
You think you can beat up on me, and I say you can't.
361
00:15:46,071 --> 00:15:47,614
Now, come on, I'm ready to attack.
362
00:15:47,656 --> 00:15:48,824
You mean, you're gonna hit me?
363
00:15:48,866 --> 00:15:50,242
No, just make believe.
364
00:15:50,242 --> 00:15:51,201
Oh.
365
00:15:51,243 --> 00:15:52,369
Now come on, let's go, I'm coming.
366
00:15:52,411 --> 00:15:53,871
Ah!
367
00:15:53,912 --> 00:15:56,081
Ah!
368
00:15:56,081 --> 00:15:57,791
Yay for mommy!
369
00:16:04,590 --> 00:16:07,092
I survived the initial encounter pretty well.
370
00:16:07,092 --> 00:16:10,470
I think the only thing that's
seriously damaged was my male ego.
371
00:16:10,512 --> 00:16:14,558
But of course, my wife was pretty
magnanimous with our son Ritchie.
372
00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:18,145
She told him that she didn't throw me,
that I was just showing her a little trick.
373
00:16:18,187 --> 00:16:20,480
I think Richie believed her, all right.
374
00:16:20,522 --> 00:16:23,650
Only thing was, she knew and I knew the truth.
375
00:16:23,650 --> 00:16:26,320
I was married to a little girl who could deck me.
376
00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:28,655
So you challenged her to another fight?
377
00:16:28,697 --> 00:16:32,868
Well, of course not, that would have
been a childish, immature thing to do.
378
00:16:32,910 --> 00:16:34,995
But I had to get even.
379
00:16:34,995 --> 00:16:36,955
I gotta get back at people.
380
00:16:36,955 --> 00:16:39,500
The only thing, I didn't know how.
381
00:16:39,541 --> 00:16:43,462
And didn't believe it or not,
the Marine Corps came up with the answer.
382
00:16:43,462 --> 00:16:46,632
Yeah, you see now, in the opening number,
Alan Brady lands in this space capsule.
383
00:16:46,632 --> 00:16:51,011
And he can either be greeted by the boy dancers or the
girl dancers, whichever will be easier to do jokes with.
384
00:16:51,053 --> 00:16:51,929
You kidding?
385
00:16:51,970 --> 00:16:53,055
Girl dancers.
386
00:16:53,096 --> 00:16:54,431
Right, right.
387
00:16:54,473 --> 00:16:57,142
Listen, as soon as Buddy and Sally get back,
we'll go right to work on it. - Good, good.
388
00:16:57,142 --> 00:16:58,560
Oh, hey, how's your nose?
389
00:16:58,602 --> 00:17:00,187
Oh, it's fine.
390
00:17:00,229 --> 00:17:05,317
And oh, that reminds me, Alan said you guys are working
on a sketch about that thing with Laura and Rocky Leon's.
391
00:17:05,317 --> 00:17:07,194
Probably not, Tony.
392
00:17:07,236 --> 00:17:10,405
Well, if you do, be sure and give me
a little advance notice, will you?
393
00:17:10,447 --> 00:17:11,907
I have to work with the actors on the Judo move.
394
00:17:11,949 --> 00:17:13,367
Uh, you know Judo?
395
00:17:13,367 --> 00:17:15,994
Yeah, I was a Judo instructor in the Marines.
396
00:17:15,994 --> 00:17:17,204
No kidding.
397
00:17:17,204 --> 00:17:18,664
Black belt.
398
00:17:18,664 --> 00:17:19,957
Wow.
399
00:17:19,998 --> 00:17:20,874
Yeah, I'll see you later.
400
00:17:20,916 --> 00:17:22,376
Well, hey, Tony.
401
00:17:22,417 --> 00:17:27,798
Uh, hey, you might be able to help me
with a little bit of a problem I've got.
402
00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:29,091
Sure, Rob, what?
403
00:17:29,132 --> 00:17:31,301
Well, you heard about the thing
with Laura the other night.
404
00:17:31,343 --> 00:17:32,678
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
405
00:17:32,678 --> 00:17:35,556
Well, to tell you the truth,
I'm feeling-- it's bothered me.
406
00:17:35,597 --> 00:17:37,391
Yeah, I know, you've taken quite a ribbing.
407
00:17:37,391 --> 00:17:41,144
Yeah, well not only that, but the other
night at the house, she threw me, plow.
408
00:17:41,186 --> 00:17:42,145
[laughs]
409
00:17:42,187 --> 00:17:43,397
Yeah, see, you're laughing.
410
00:17:43,397 --> 00:17:44,898
Well, what do you want me to do?
411
00:17:44,898 --> 00:17:48,735
You want me to go over to your house and rough her up?
412
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:54,950
No, not exactly, but I thought maybe you could, you know,
show me how to-- You want me to show you how to throw her?
413
00:17:54,992 --> 00:17:58,745
Well, no, but I thought I at least
ought to know how to defend myself.
414
00:17:58,745 --> 00:17:59,746
Defend?
415
00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:01,248
You mean, she attacked you?
416
00:18:01,248 --> 00:18:04,751
Oh, no, I don't think she ever really would, you know?
417
00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:08,422
The thing is, you know,
she knows she can and I know she can.
418
00:18:08,463 --> 00:18:12,634
And I think it's better for our
marriage if we both know that she can't.
419
00:18:12,676 --> 00:18:14,595
You want to learn some counter holds?
420
00:18:14,636 --> 00:18:15,429
Yeah, yeah.
421
00:18:15,429 --> 00:18:16,847
OK, well, what does she do?
422
00:18:16,889 --> 00:18:22,603
Well, in the bar, she just took that guy like that.
423
00:18:22,644 --> 00:18:23,729
That's all it was.
424
00:18:23,729 --> 00:18:30,194
With me, let's see, she grabbed me like that
and put-- then did like that, and over I went.
425
00:18:30,235 --> 00:18:31,945
Yeah, yeah. Well, those are basic.
426
00:18:31,945 --> 00:18:32,946
They're easy to stop.
427
00:18:32,946 --> 00:18:33,947
Oh, good, yeah.
428
00:18:33,989 --> 00:18:35,365
Show me.
429
00:18:35,407 --> 00:18:39,953
OK, now, but before you can stop them though, Rob, you
gotta know how to-- you gotta know how to do them.
430
00:18:39,953 --> 00:18:41,121
Yeah, good.
431
00:18:41,121 --> 00:18:42,414
So you better stand right over here.
432
00:18:42,414 --> 00:18:43,790
Yeah.
433
00:18:43,832 --> 00:18:45,501
OK, now the one she did with you is basically a hip throw.
434
00:18:45,542 --> 00:18:46,335
I see.
435
00:18:46,376 --> 00:18:47,503
It's all done with leverage.
436
00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:48,795
Yeah.
437
00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:50,214
OK, now come at me as if you're going to attack me.
438
00:18:50,255 --> 00:18:51,173
- OK. - OK.
439
00:18:51,215 --> 00:18:52,466
What like this?
440
00:18:52,466 --> 00:18:53,467
Yeah, right, now watch, I grab this arm.
441
00:18:53,509 --> 00:18:54,676
- Yeah. - And I pull.
442
00:18:54,718 --> 00:18:55,761
Yeah.
443
00:18:55,761 --> 00:18:56,887
I step into here and swing the hip out.
444
00:18:56,929 --> 00:18:57,804
Yeah.
445
00:18:57,846 --> 00:18:58,889
And then yank.
446
00:18:58,931 --> 00:19:00,474
Wow.
447
00:19:00,516 --> 00:19:02,559
Now, of course, that was all slow motion, Rob.
448
00:19:02,601 --> 00:19:04,811
But it's all done with leverage, you see.
449
00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:07,564
Yeah, I see.
450
00:19:07,606 --> 00:19:09,107
With the hip.
451
00:19:09,107 --> 00:19:10,317
You want to try it on me?
452
00:19:10,317 --> 00:19:11,485
Well, listen, I don't want to hurt you.
453
00:19:11,527 --> 00:19:13,070
Oh, no, no. don't worry about that.
454
00:19:13,111 --> 00:19:14,071
You won't hurt me. - All right.
455
00:19:14,112 --> 00:19:15,364
I know how to land.
456
00:19:15,405 --> 00:19:16,323
Now go ahead, I want you to do it for real.
457
00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:17,366
- OK. - OK?
458
00:19:17,407 --> 00:19:18,283
- So it's all leverage? - Yeah.
459
00:19:18,283 --> 00:19:18,992
Around the hip there.
460
00:19:19,034 --> 00:19:21,078
The hip.
461
00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:21,995
OK.
462
00:19:21,995 --> 00:19:23,038
OK?
463
00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:24,623
- All right, you ready? - Ready.
464
00:19:24,623 --> 00:19:25,707
OK, here we go.
465
00:19:27,835 --> 00:19:28,836
Hey.
466
00:19:28,836 --> 00:19:29,711
Hey?
467
00:19:29,753 --> 00:19:30,629
Wow.
468
00:19:30,671 --> 00:19:33,715
[laughs] Yeah, I see what you mean.
469
00:19:33,757 --> 00:19:34,633
It's all leverage.
470
00:19:34,675 --> 00:19:36,218
You want to try it again? - Yeah.
471
00:19:36,260 --> 00:19:37,344
- Good. - OK.
472
00:19:37,386 --> 00:19:38,679
Yeah. Ha!
473
00:19:42,975 --> 00:19:45,060
Oh-sha!
474
00:19:45,102 --> 00:19:47,020
No, no, that's [japanese]
475
00:19:47,062 --> 00:19:49,940
Oh, [japanese]!
476
00:19:49,982 --> 00:19:51,233
- OK. - OK, you ready?
477
00:19:51,275 --> 00:19:52,192
Yeah, I'm ready.
478
00:19:52,192 --> 00:19:53,694
OK, here we go.
479
00:19:53,735 --> 00:19:54,820
Ha!
480
00:19:59,283 --> 00:20:00,534
What did I do wrong?
481
00:20:00,534 --> 00:20:01,785
I did something wrong.
482
00:20:01,785 --> 00:20:03,412
No, no, no, you didn't do anything wrong.
483
00:20:03,453 --> 00:20:05,164
I was just countering your move.
484
00:20:05,164 --> 00:20:06,665
Oh, yeah?
485
00:20:06,665 --> 00:20:07,958
Yeah, now come at me again, I'll show you another one.
486
00:20:07,968 --> 00:20:08,959
OK.
487
00:20:09,001 --> 00:20:09,877
OK?
488
00:20:09,918 --> 00:20:11,420
OK.
489
00:20:11,461 --> 00:20:12,671
You ready? OK.
490
00:20:12,671 --> 00:20:13,589
OK.
491
00:20:13,630 --> 00:20:15,924
Ha!
492
00:20:15,966 --> 00:20:19,136
Beautiful, it's beautiful.
493
00:20:19,178 --> 00:20:20,721
You see, Rob?
494
00:20:20,762 --> 00:20:23,015
Now if you knew how, you could even reverse this hold on me.
495
00:20:23,015 --> 00:20:24,558
Oh, that's great.
496
00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:28,228
Listen, it must give you a great feeling of self-confidence.
497
00:20:28,228 --> 00:20:30,063
Yeah, serenity is more like it, really.
498
00:20:30,063 --> 00:20:32,691
You know, when you know your stuff,
you never feel you have to prove yourself.
499
00:20:32,691 --> 00:20:33,901
Right.
500
00:20:33,942 --> 00:20:35,068
Right, now come on, I want to show you another one.
501
00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:36,570
- OK. - OK.
502
00:20:36,570 --> 00:20:38,906
All right, we'll do it very slowly this time.
503
00:20:38,947 --> 00:20:40,032
- Slow? - Slow.
504
00:20:40,032 --> 00:20:41,492
OK, now come at me.
505
00:20:41,533 --> 00:20:46,413
Now take this hand, step into here,
and grab this leg, and just straighten up.
506
00:20:46,455 --> 00:20:48,457
Wow, look at that.
507
00:20:48,499 --> 00:20:51,001
I can't wait to get home and show Laura this.
508
00:20:51,001 --> 00:20:53,170
I don't think they're gonna let you on the train.
509
00:20:57,341 --> 00:20:58,717
Honey, I'm home.
510
00:20:58,717 --> 00:20:59,426
Hi.
511
00:20:59,426 --> 00:21:02,262
Oh, sayonara.
512
00:21:02,262 --> 00:21:03,889
My, aren't you in a good mood?
513
00:21:03,931 --> 00:21:05,724
No, I am serene.
514
00:21:05,766 --> 00:21:06,600
Oh?
515
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:08,852
How many serenes did you have?
516
00:21:08,852 --> 00:21:11,730
No, no, honey, I took a Judo lesson today.
517
00:21:11,730 --> 00:21:15,734
Oh, Rob, isn't this whole thing
getting just a little bit out of hand?
518
00:21:15,776 --> 00:21:20,739
Wait just a second, it just so happens that Tony Daniels
was in the office today, and he is a Judo instructor.
519
00:21:20,781 --> 00:21:24,326
Oh, so you asked for some instructions in wife beating?
520
00:21:24,368 --> 00:21:28,121
No, more like-- more like husband saving, I'd say.
521
00:21:28,163 --> 00:21:29,456
Anyway, that's why I'm serene.
522
00:21:29,456 --> 00:21:31,333
You can't touch-- You can't hurt me anymore.
523
00:21:31,375 --> 00:21:32,918
Rob, I never real--
524
00:21:35,379 --> 00:21:37,130
I never could.
525
00:21:37,130 --> 00:21:40,968
Well, honey, I know, it just bothered me
that you knew something that I didn't know.
526
00:21:41,009 --> 00:21:42,553
And now you don't.
527
00:21:42,594 --> 00:21:44,680
So what are you going to do about it?
528
00:21:44,721 --> 00:21:46,515
Well, I'm not gonna do anything about it, honey.
529
00:21:46,557 --> 00:21:48,016
Now, I'm just gonna kiss and make up.
530
00:21:48,058 --> 00:21:50,602
Rob, if this is a sneak attack--
No, honestly.
531
00:21:50,602 --> 00:21:52,980
Look, no hands, behind my back.
532
00:21:53,021 --> 00:21:55,107
And I don't know any lip throws.
533
00:21:58,694 --> 00:22:00,028
There.
534
00:22:00,070 --> 00:22:05,868
Well, I admit, when I came home I
intended to throw you right on your head.
535
00:22:05,909 --> 00:22:10,080
But you know, Tony was right, knowing that you
can do something is better than doing it.
536
00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:11,165
Right.
537
00:22:13,125 --> 00:22:14,251
You want to see me do it?
538
00:22:16,461 --> 00:22:18,338
I thought you just said you didn't have to.
539
00:22:18,338 --> 00:22:20,966
I don't have to, honey, but it's fun.
540
00:22:20,966 --> 00:22:24,803
You know, Tony and I threw each
other around that office for an hour.
541
00:22:24,803 --> 00:22:26,638
That's nice.
542
00:22:26,638 --> 00:22:28,932
Well, aren't you even interested in seeing what I can do?
543
00:22:28,932 --> 00:22:31,560
Not in the least.
544
00:22:31,602 --> 00:22:34,771
Honey, you know something, that's kind of small of you.
545
00:22:34,813 --> 00:22:37,608
Boy, you're just dying to let me have it, aren't you?
546
00:22:37,649 --> 00:22:40,194
Oh, of course not, honey, I love you.
547
00:22:40,194 --> 00:22:42,321
I wouldn't do anything in the world to hurt you.
548
00:22:42,321 --> 00:22:43,614
Good.
549
00:22:48,494 --> 00:22:49,578
So don't you want me to do it?
550
00:22:49,620 --> 00:22:50,913
I'm dying to do it.
551
00:22:50,954 --> 00:22:52,372
Not with me.
552
00:22:52,414 --> 00:22:54,500
But honey, I'd like to show you.
553
00:22:54,500 --> 00:22:56,835
I need a victim.
554
00:22:56,835 --> 00:22:58,504
I know. - Where are you going?
555
00:22:58,504 --> 00:22:59,505
Ritchie's room.
556
00:22:59,505 --> 00:23:02,007
Don't you touch that child.
557
00:23:05,844 --> 00:23:07,721
All right, buster, you asked for it.
558
00:23:10,057 --> 00:23:11,183
You know, you're crazy?
559
00:23:11,225 --> 00:23:13,727
You have really flipped.
560
00:23:13,769 --> 00:23:15,270
Chimpo is just perfect to show you.
561
00:23:15,312 --> 00:23:16,605
Now watch.
562
00:23:16,647 --> 00:23:18,273
All right, hurry up, get it over
with so we can have some dinner.
563
00:23:18,315 --> 00:23:19,816
OK, now look.
564
00:23:19,858 --> 00:23:22,027
I'm-- I'll-- see, I'll be you and the monkey will be me.
565
00:23:22,027 --> 00:23:22,903
Good casting.
566
00:23:22,945 --> 00:23:24,029
[laughs]
567
00:23:25,322 --> 00:23:27,199
OK, now look, it's all leverage.
568
00:23:27,241 --> 00:23:28,158
See?
569
00:23:28,158 --> 00:23:29,576
Yeah.
570
00:23:29,576 --> 00:23:33,288
You came at me, grabbed that arm, put this
under, and this arm around here, right?
571
00:23:33,330 --> 00:23:34,873
Yeah.
572
00:23:34,873 --> 00:23:36,458
Now you thought you had the hip leverage to throw me over.
573
00:23:36,500 --> 00:23:37,751
Yeah.
574
00:23:37,751 --> 00:23:40,796
And all I had to do was break this
grip, get like that, right?
575
00:23:40,838 --> 00:23:41,880
Yeah.
576
00:23:41,922 --> 00:23:47,010
Then all of a sudden, you're on the floor and I'm standing
looking at you with my foot on your throat, right?
577
00:23:47,010 --> 00:23:47,928
Yeah.
578
00:23:47,970 --> 00:23:49,054
Watch!
579
00:23:49,054 --> 00:23:50,430
[shattering]
580
00:23:50,430 --> 00:23:53,392
Oh, Rob!
581
00:23:53,392 --> 00:23:56,103
You broke my good dishes!
582
00:24:03,026 --> 00:24:10,200
So even though it was me that fell with the monkey, it's Laura's
fault that I got involved with a monkey in the first place.
583
00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:11,785
I guess you're right.
584
00:24:11,827 --> 00:24:15,622
Well, now I understand how you got all those
injuries, except for those scratches on your arm.
585
00:24:15,664 --> 00:24:17,708
Yeah, well, I was just thinking about that.
586
00:24:17,749 --> 00:24:20,043
Those, as a matter of fact, are Laura's fault too.
587
00:24:20,043 --> 00:24:21,461
How?
588
00:24:21,461 --> 00:24:29,386
Well, when the guys from the ambulance came to carry me out, they
asked her how I got hurt and she said that I was thrown by a monkey.
589
00:24:29,386 --> 00:24:30,971
So?
590
00:24:31,013 --> 00:24:34,016
So they laughed so hard they dropped me in the rose bushes.
591
00:24:43,609 --> 00:24:50,199
[theme music]45648
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