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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show."
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( MUSIC PLAYING )
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Rob, I'm pouring your orange juice.
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ROB: Coming, Laura.
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Good morning, honey.
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Shhh.
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What did I do, kiss you too loud?
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( AUDIENCE LAUGHTER THROUGHOUT )
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Your son.
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Yes, I know.
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Well, look at him.
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ROB: I'm looking.
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LAURA: What is he doing?
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He's sitting at the breakfast table,
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eating his cereal and reading the paper?
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He can't read.
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I can so read.
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Isn't that cute?
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He's imitating me, is what he's doing, honey.
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Oh, I guess so.
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You know, for a minute, I really believed what I saw.
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Is that the way I look in the morning?
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Of course not.
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I didn't think so.
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No, you're much taller.
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Grrrr.
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Sit down, tiger. Oh, okay.
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Look here, Daddy.
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"How, and, work, will, home, and."
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He is reading.
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Richie, that's wonderful.
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How about that?
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And only a few weeks ago,
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all he could read were one-letter words.
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Are you proud of me, Daddy?
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I certainly am.
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Then give me a nickel.
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Rich, I'm very proud of you and here's your reward.
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Okay?
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I'd rather have a nickel.
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Well, we don't pay for learning around here,
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young man.
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Now why don't you go out and play with your new friend
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'til it's time for school?
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ROB: Who's his new friend?
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LAURA: A boy who's just moved in on maple street.
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Tommy kirk. He's older than me
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and he says words that I don't understand.
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All right, Richie, go on outside and play
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and let Daddy have his breakfast.
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Okay.
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You remember when we talked about having his IQ tested?
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I think now's the time.
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Why?
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Why? You saw what happened here.
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Do you realize that boy has only been in public school
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for six months?
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If he progresses the way he's been going,
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you know what he might turn into?
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LAURA: What?
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An average child.
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Hello, Marge? This is Mrs. Petrie.
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Yes, I know my husband isn't in yet
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but would you have him call home the minute he arrives?
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Well, no, it's not urgent but it's important.
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Make that urgent and important.
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Well, it's almost an emergency.
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It's about Richie.
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No, no, not that kind of an emergency,
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he's not hurt.
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It's--well, just have Mr. Petrie call me as soon as he gets in.
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And tell him it's about something Richie said.
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Thank you, Marge.
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Okay, Buddy, no wisecracks.
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How do you like 'em?
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Very nice.
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You really mean it?
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Yeah, they're swell.
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You're positive?
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All right, walk around a little.
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Now make like you're being kissed.
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Now dance a little bit.
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Dance? Dance.
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Oh, you haven't been out in a long time.
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Oh, come on!
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All right, come on. Sit down.
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Sit down?
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Yeah, sit down.
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Cross your legs.
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I like 'em.
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You wouldn't kid me, would you?
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Why should I kid you? I always liked your legs.
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The shoes, buddy.
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The shoes!
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Ohhh, the shoes.
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All right, walk around a little bit.
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And make like you're being kissed.
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Oh, come on, now.
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No, but really, Buddy, they are nice, aren't they?
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They are beautiful.
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Yes, they are. They are beautiful.
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Ah-ha. Ooh, yes, they feel good too.
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Buddy, you really like these?
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I really like 'em.
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Yeah, but do you love 'em?
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Yeah, I love 'em.
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Better than the alligators?
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Better than the alligators.
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You're sure?
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I'm positive.
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Good, I'll take the alligators.
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Well, what'd you ask me for?
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'Cause I value your opinion.
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You do? Sure. Your taste is rotten.
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Thanks a lump.
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Hi, Rob. Oh, hi, Rob.
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Sally, Buddy, come here.
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What?
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"Encyclopedia For Children."
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Hey, how come you buy Buddy a present and not me?
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I bought this for Richie.
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Do you know that I found him picking words
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out of the newspaper this morning?
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That little kid, already? He can read?
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What, are you surprised he learned before you did?
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Of course, it's a little old for him right now
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but it won't be long before he understands it.
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I can't get over that.
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Six years old, and he reads.
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You know, I was six years old, I couldn't even wave bye-bye.
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( PHONE RINGING )
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Hello?
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Hey, Rob, if that's for me, tell him I'll be ready at seven.
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Oh, you got a date tonight?
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No, but I'm always ready at seven.
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I don't care who he is.
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Hi, Marge.
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That's not him.
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No.
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What, about something Richie said?
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Yeah, get her for me, will you? I'll hold on.
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Laura called about something Richie said.
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As soon as I'm through here, we'll get to work.
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Hi, honey.
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Rob, I hope I'm not interrupting you
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but I had to let you know.
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Oh, it's all right, honey.
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What did he say, a big word?
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LAURA: Not exactly.
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It was in the station wagon
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while I was taking him to school this morning.
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Is anybody listening?
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Buddy and Sally, but they can't hear.
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Oh, I can hear. Can't you hear?
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I can hear like a dog.
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SALLY: Yeah, we can hear, Rob.
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Come on, you guys.
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I'm sorry, honey, go ahead.
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Well, do you know what your son said to me this morning?
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ROB: Something bright. What did he say?
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Well, he said--he said--
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Richie said that?
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What? What did he say?
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Oh, honey, are you sure he wasn't
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trying to say something else?
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Oh, Rob. I'm sure.
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It was just as plain as could be.
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Well, did you talk to him about it?
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No, of course not.
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I didn't want to let him know I was upset.
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Honey, he might say it again.
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What? What did he say?
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Oh, listen, we got to get an extension phone.
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We miss too much.
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Go ahead, honey.
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And I just ignored it.
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I don't think he'll ever say it again.
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Well, I should hope not.
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Well, don't you worry about it now.
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We'll talk about it when you get home, all right?
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ROB: Okay.
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LAURA: Bye.
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Bye.
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Well?
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Richie said a bad word.
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Well, that we gathered.
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Well, what was it? What did he say?
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I can't repeat it in mixed company.
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Oh, I understand, Rob.
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Buddy, would you mind leaving the room?
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What bothers me is how do you handle a thing like this?
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Laura says we shouldn't make an issue of it.
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Well, that makes sense.
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Well, I think he ought to be told about it
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and scolded for it.
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Well, that makes sense too, Rob.
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Boy, I remember what my old man did
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in a case like this.
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What?
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Rapped me right in the mouth.
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Did that stop you from talking that way?
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You kidding? I had such a fat lip I couldn't talk at all.
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Yeah, well, my mother had a different system.
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She used to lecture me.
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Every time I'd use bad language,
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she'd wave her finger at me and say,
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"show me a person that speaks with a curly tongue
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and I'll show you a bird that gathers feathers."
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I don't understand that.
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Neither did I.
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But it cured you of using bad language.
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Oh, sure, that and a rap in the mouth.
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You guys are no help at all.
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Well, I know what I got to do.
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I'm gonna go home tonight
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and have a man-to-man talk with my son.
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Man-to-man?
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Hey, is Richie ready for that?
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I think he's ready for it.
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SALLY: Are you? No.
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Laura, I have got to talk to him about it.
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I say ignore it.
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I promise I won't scold him. I won't lose my temper.
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It's wrong.
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Honey, he might say it to a stranger.
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Rob, if he finds out it's a bad word,
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he'll use it every time he wants to attract attention.
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Not if we make it perfectly clear to him
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that it is not permitted.
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After all, we're bigger than he is and he knows it.
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Wait a minute.
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What are you gonna do?
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I'm gonna see if Dr. Spock has a chapter on vocabulary.
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Now we don't need any Dr. Spock.
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I've never been more certain of anything in my whole life.
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RICHIE: Daddy!
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In here, Rich.
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Honey, now will you leave us alone?
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Leave the room.
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Rob, I will not leave the room.
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I own half that boy.
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All right. Will you promise you won't interfere?
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Rob, it's wrong. I just know it's wrong.
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RICHIE: Daddy!
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Yes, Rich?
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How do you say this long word?
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What word?
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That word.
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Oh, that's "unilateral."
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Unilateral.
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What does that mean?
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Well, it's actually two words,
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"uno" one, and "lateral" side.
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One side, kind of.
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Rich, we'll look at the paper a little later.
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Sit down. I want to talk to you, Rich.
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Honey, this morning, before you went to school,
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you said a certain word.
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I said a lot of words.
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Which word do you mean?
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Well, you never used this one before.
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I said a new word?
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Yes, it's a new one.
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Are you proud of me?
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Well, Rich, it's not the kind of a word
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that somebody would be proud of.
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Don't you remember what it was?
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No.
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LAURA: You see?
270
00:09:27,833 --> 00:09:30,375
Rich, you said it to mom in the station wagon
271
00:09:30,375 --> 00:09:31,375
on the way to school.
272
00:09:31,417 --> 00:09:32,917
It's wrong, it's wrong.
273
00:09:32,958 --> 00:09:35,417
Well, what did I say, mommy?
274
00:09:35,417 --> 00:09:37,125
Uh, Rich.
275
00:09:37,167 --> 00:09:40,083
There are some words that are nice words.
276
00:09:40,125 --> 00:09:43,083
And there are other words that are not so nice.
277
00:09:43,125 --> 00:09:44,792
I know a lot of nice words.
278
00:09:44,833 --> 00:09:45,958
Well, of course you do
279
00:09:45,958 --> 00:09:47,958
and that's what makes us proud of you when you say them.
280
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:49,458
I know a dirty one too.
281
00:09:49,500 --> 00:09:50,958
ROB: Hold it!
282
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,375
Don't say anything.
283
00:09:53,417 --> 00:09:56,833
Mud. That's a dirty word.
284
00:09:56,833 --> 00:09:58,417
Mud? Ha, ha.
285
00:09:58,458 --> 00:10:01,042
Rich, "mud" is not a dirty word.
286
00:10:01,083 --> 00:10:02,625
Richie, try to understand me, honey.
287
00:10:02,667 --> 00:10:04,958
I am not interested in any other words.
288
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:07,375
I'm only interested in the one you said this morning.
289
00:10:07,417 --> 00:10:08,542
Was it naughty?
290
00:10:08,583 --> 00:10:09,333
Yes, it was.
291
00:10:09,375 --> 00:10:11,500
Then I won't say it again, Daddy.
292
00:10:11,542 --> 00:10:13,542
Now, that's my good boy.
293
00:10:13,583 --> 00:10:15,833
Which word did I say, Daddy?
294
00:10:16,833 --> 00:10:18,792
Well, Rich, it's an impolite word
295
00:10:18,833 --> 00:10:20,083
and I don't want to repeat it.
296
00:10:20,125 --> 00:10:23,042
Well, then how will I know what not to say?
297
00:10:23,083 --> 00:10:23,917
ROB: How will you--
298
00:10:23,958 --> 00:10:26,542
Richie, dear, I think it's time for bed.
299
00:10:27,542 --> 00:10:29,417
Don't forget to tuck me in.
300
00:10:29,458 --> 00:10:30,875
We won't.
301
00:10:32,083 --> 00:10:33,208
I hate to be an "I told you so"
302
00:10:33,208 --> 00:10:35,000
but do you still think you were right?
303
00:10:35,042 --> 00:10:37,000
How was I supposed to know he wouldn't remember it?
304
00:10:37,042 --> 00:10:38,542
'Cause I told you he wouldn't.
305
00:10:38,583 --> 00:10:40,042
You said he wouldn't know what it meant.
306
00:10:40,083 --> 00:10:41,583
Well, it's the same thing.
307
00:10:41,583 --> 00:10:43,042
Not remembering is just the same
308
00:10:43,083 --> 00:10:44,583
as not knowing what it meant?
309
00:10:44,583 --> 00:10:46,167
Well, translate it any way you like, darling.
310
00:10:46,208 --> 00:10:47,083
It proves one thing,
311
00:10:47,125 --> 00:10:49,458
that ignoring the issue makes more sense.
312
00:10:49,500 --> 00:10:52,125
Ignoring an issue never makes any sense.
313
00:10:52,125 --> 00:10:53,125
RICHIE: Daddy?
314
00:10:53,125 --> 00:10:54,125
Yes, Rich?
315
00:10:54,125 --> 00:10:56,542
Is this what you meant?
316
00:10:56,583 --> 00:10:58,125
Uh, that's--yes.
317
00:10:59,833 --> 00:11:02,125
Now you promise me you won't say that word anymore.
318
00:11:02,167 --> 00:11:03,208
'Cause it's naughty?
319
00:11:03,250 --> 00:11:04,500
That's right, it is.
320
00:11:04,542 --> 00:11:06,125
Do you promise?
321
00:11:06,167 --> 00:11:08,958
I promise, Daddy, and I won't use it no more.
322
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:10,083
LAURA: Richie, don't say "no more."
323
00:11:10,125 --> 00:11:11,542
I won't use it anymore.
324
00:11:11,542 --> 00:11:13,042
Is "no" a bad word?
325
00:11:13,042 --> 00:11:15,083
It's a wrong word.
326
00:11:15,083 --> 00:11:16,833
RICHIE: A wrong word?
327
00:11:16,875 --> 00:11:18,833
Well, honey, it's not really wrong, it--
328
00:11:18,875 --> 00:11:19,958
ROB: Honey.
329
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:22,083
Rich, you are a very, very good boy
330
00:11:22,125 --> 00:11:23,917
and mom and daddy love you very much.
331
00:11:23,958 --> 00:11:26,125
I love you too, daddy.
332
00:11:26,125 --> 00:11:27,125
You too, mommy.
333
00:11:27,125 --> 00:11:28,458
Ha, ha. Me too, pal.
334
00:11:28,500 --> 00:11:29,458
We'll be in soon.
335
00:11:29,500 --> 00:11:31,083
Okay.
336
00:11:32,625 --> 00:11:33,917
Well, I guess you won't be hearing this
337
00:11:33,958 --> 00:11:35,125
around here anymore.
338
00:11:35,167 --> 00:11:36,958
You guarantee that?
339
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:38,917
Well, no, I can't guarantee it.
340
00:11:38,958 --> 00:11:39,792
Well, you just said that you didn't--
341
00:11:39,833 --> 00:11:41,083
well, you won't hear it out of Rich
342
00:11:41,125 --> 00:11:42,083
and you won't hear it out of me.
343
00:11:42,125 --> 00:11:44,625
But who knows how you talk when you're alone?
344
00:11:50,292 --> 00:11:52,083
Gin.
345
00:11:53,583 --> 00:11:54,750
Tell me, Miss Jesse James,
346
00:11:54,750 --> 00:11:57,500
when did you decide to take up card cheating as a career?
347
00:11:57,542 --> 00:12:00,458
Come on. Get it up, pigeon, a buck 40.
348
00:12:02,542 --> 00:12:03,833
Oh, Hi Rob.
349
00:12:12,833 --> 00:12:16,083
You see before you a man 12 feet tall.
350
00:12:16,125 --> 00:12:18,708
I had my first man-to-man talk with Richie last night.
351
00:12:18,750 --> 00:12:20,042
Oh, about what he said yesterday?
352
00:12:20,083 --> 00:12:21,208
ROB: That's right and if I may say so,
353
00:12:21,250 --> 00:12:24,208
Dr. Spock would have been proud the way I handled it.
354
00:12:24,250 --> 00:12:26,042
You know, nothing works like a little love
355
00:12:26,083 --> 00:12:27,208
and a little psychology.
356
00:12:27,250 --> 00:12:30,292
And a little rap in the mouth is pretty effective too.
357
00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:31,750
Maybe with some kids but, fortunately,
358
00:12:31,792 --> 00:12:34,292
I don't have to resort to that for Richie.
359
00:12:34,333 --> 00:12:35,708
All right, let's don't wallow around
360
00:12:35,750 --> 00:12:37,792
in my victory all morning.
361
00:12:37,792 --> 00:12:39,000
Let's put our little minds together
362
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:41,667
and come up with an opening joke for the desert island bit.
363
00:12:41,667 --> 00:12:44,750
How about this? SALLY: No, that won't work.
364
00:12:44,792 --> 00:12:46,542
Oh yeah, we did it.
365
00:12:48,667 --> 00:12:49,792
Rob, I've been thinking.
366
00:12:49,833 --> 00:12:52,250
Alan's alone on this desert island, see?
367
00:12:52,292 --> 00:12:55,250
No people, no houses, just sand,
368
00:12:55,292 --> 00:12:57,042
and he's dying of thirst.
369
00:12:57,083 --> 00:12:58,042
All of a sudden--
370
00:12:58,083 --> 00:12:59,042
( PHONE RINGING )
371
00:12:59,083 --> 00:13:01,083
the phone rings. That's funny.
372
00:13:02,583 --> 00:13:06,167
Hello? Oh, hi honey.
373
00:13:06,208 --> 00:13:07,625
What?
374
00:13:08,708 --> 00:13:12,167
He promised me he'd never say that again.
375
00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:13,167
A different one?
376
00:13:13,208 --> 00:13:14,625
A rap in the mouth, believe me.
377
00:13:14,667 --> 00:13:17,333
Come on, Buddy, please. Honey, what was it?
378
00:13:17,333 --> 00:13:19,833
You can tell me.
379
00:13:19,875 --> 00:13:24,083
All right, just tell me how many letters were in it.
380
00:13:24,125 --> 00:13:25,875
Oh, my.
381
00:13:25,875 --> 00:13:28,208
Two raps in the mouth.
382
00:13:28,250 --> 00:13:29,250
Cut it out, please.
383
00:13:29,250 --> 00:13:30,583
He's trying to be a father.
384
00:13:30,625 --> 00:13:32,625
ROB: Honey, you say he didn't say it.
385
00:13:32,667 --> 00:13:35,375
Well, did you erase it from his blackboard?
386
00:13:35,417 --> 00:13:37,083
Why not?
387
00:13:37,125 --> 00:13:39,333
He wrote it on the school blackboard.
388
00:13:42,167 --> 00:13:44,667
Well, did he say why he did it?
389
00:13:44,667 --> 00:13:48,042
Teacher asked who learned new words today.
390
00:13:48,083 --> 00:13:50,208
Well, I hope he spelled it right at least.
391
00:13:52,208 --> 00:13:53,792
Well, yeah, honey, look, I'll break early
392
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,792
and come right home as soon as I can.
393
00:13:55,833 --> 00:13:59,042
Don't let Richie out of that house 'til I get there.
394
00:13:59,083 --> 00:14:00,792
Yeah, I'll come home as soon as I'm through.
395
00:14:00,833 --> 00:14:02,083
Bye.
396
00:14:04,292 --> 00:14:06,125
I wonder if he could have seen other words
397
00:14:06,167 --> 00:14:08,375
and just got the letters mixed up?
398
00:14:13,833 --> 00:14:16,125
A rap in the mouth, definitely.
399
00:14:17,417 --> 00:14:18,833
Oh, come on, let's forget about it.
400
00:14:18,833 --> 00:14:21,042
Now, Sal, what were you saying for the word--
401
00:14:21,083 --> 00:14:22,667
uh, the opening?
402
00:14:22,667 --> 00:14:24,083
Well, I was just saying that Alan's alone
403
00:14:24,125 --> 00:14:26,375
on this desert island, see, and he's flipping.
404
00:14:26,417 --> 00:14:29,375
There's nothing to drink and then all of a sudden--
405
00:14:29,375 --> 00:14:32,750
in comes a bald-headed jellyfish wearing glasses.
406
00:14:34,083 --> 00:14:36,792
And the jellyfish takes his glasses off and says,
407
00:14:36,833 --> 00:14:39,250
Rob! "Rob!"
408
00:14:39,250 --> 00:14:40,750
Buddy, will you let him be?
409
00:14:40,792 --> 00:14:43,333
Let him be what?
410
00:14:43,375 --> 00:14:44,708
Yuk!
411
00:14:46,292 --> 00:14:47,375
Rob, how's the script coming?
412
00:14:47,417 --> 00:14:48,792
Better than it was yesterday, I hope?
413
00:14:48,833 --> 00:14:50,083
Yeah, we're working on the opening
414
00:14:50,125 --> 00:14:51,667
for the desert island bit.
415
00:14:51,708 --> 00:14:54,458
Sal, you were saying something. What was your idea?
416
00:14:54,500 --> 00:14:57,042
Well, I was just saying that Alan's alone
417
00:14:57,083 --> 00:14:58,833
on this desert island.
418
00:14:58,833 --> 00:15:01,375
Of course, he's a lot older by now.
419
00:15:03,833 --> 00:15:06,250
He sees nothing but water for miles around
420
00:15:06,292 --> 00:15:07,375
and then all of a sudden--
421
00:15:07,417 --> 00:15:08,833
Rob!
422
00:15:08,875 --> 00:15:10,458
SALLY: Doh!
423
00:15:10,500 --> 00:15:11,750
ROB: What is it, Mel?
424
00:15:11,750 --> 00:15:13,083
Well, let's try to remember
425
00:15:13,083 --> 00:15:17,458
that Alan Brady does a family-type show, shall we?
426
00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:19,292
Sorry, Mel, that's just something my kid wrote
427
00:15:19,292 --> 00:15:21,833
on the school blackboard.
428
00:15:21,875 --> 00:15:24,083
Well, isn't that carrying progressive education
429
00:15:24,125 --> 00:15:26,167
a little bit too far?
430
00:15:26,208 --> 00:15:27,833
He didn't learn these in school.
431
00:15:27,833 --> 00:15:29,167
Well, where then, at home?
432
00:15:29,208 --> 00:15:30,250
No, of course not.
433
00:15:30,292 --> 00:15:32,417
I wish I knew where Rich was picking that stuff up.
434
00:15:32,458 --> 00:15:34,083
And from whom.
435
00:15:34,125 --> 00:15:37,375
When was the last time he was at your house?
436
00:15:37,375 --> 00:15:39,250
Look, beachhead,
437
00:15:41,208 --> 00:15:43,458
I don't use bad language in front of children
438
00:15:43,500 --> 00:15:46,083
but, in your case, I'll make an exception.
439
00:15:47,083 --> 00:15:49,417
Children can be a problem, can't they, Rob?
440
00:15:49,458 --> 00:15:51,250
At home and at the office.
441
00:15:51,292 --> 00:15:52,833
They sure can.
442
00:15:52,875 --> 00:15:54,333
Well, let's run something funny
443
00:15:54,375 --> 00:15:56,208
through that typewriter, shall we?
444
00:15:56,250 --> 00:15:58,292
You'd never fit, fatso.
445
00:16:04,250 --> 00:16:07,250
Rob, Sally, this door slam
446
00:16:07,292 --> 00:16:10,125
is not directed at either of you.
447
00:16:13,208 --> 00:16:15,750
I think he's beginning to like me.
448
00:16:15,792 --> 00:16:16,833
What makes you say that?
449
00:16:16,875 --> 00:16:19,333
His door slams are getting softer.
450
00:16:19,375 --> 00:16:21,125
Hey, how about that island jazz, what was--
451
00:16:21,167 --> 00:16:22,042
oh, forget it.
452
00:16:22,083 --> 00:16:23,875
I've tried to tell you three or four times.
453
00:16:23,917 --> 00:16:25,792
( CHUCKLING ) I'm sorry about the interruptions, Sal.
454
00:16:25,833 --> 00:16:27,417
Go ahead, where were you?
455
00:16:27,458 --> 00:16:28,792
You mean, you're gonna let me finish this time?
456
00:16:28,833 --> 00:16:29,750
Yeah.
457
00:16:29,792 --> 00:16:31,250
You mean, this is it? No interruptions?
458
00:16:31,292 --> 00:16:33,083
No interruptions.
459
00:16:33,125 --> 00:16:34,042
Okay.
460
00:16:34,083 --> 00:16:36,292
So Alan's alone on this desert island, see?
461
00:16:36,333 --> 00:16:38,833
Sees nothing but water for miles around
462
00:16:38,833 --> 00:16:40,208
and then all of a sudden,
463
00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:42,250
a bottle washes up on the shore.
464
00:16:42,292 --> 00:16:44,875
Now he opens the bottle and takes out the message
465
00:16:44,875 --> 00:16:46,500
and what do you think it says?
466
00:16:46,542 --> 00:16:49,167
ROB: A dirty word.
467
00:16:49,208 --> 00:16:50,583
Aagghhhh!
468
00:16:50,583 --> 00:16:52,458
I'm sorry, Sally.
469
00:16:52,500 --> 00:16:53,250
It can't be at school.
470
00:16:53,292 --> 00:16:54,458
I know the parents of all his friends
471
00:16:54,500 --> 00:16:56,292
and they're very nice people.
472
00:16:56,333 --> 00:16:58,167
I agree with you. Not at school.
473
00:16:58,208 --> 00:16:59,500
Then where?
474
00:16:59,542 --> 00:17:01,292
Wish I knew.
475
00:17:01,333 --> 00:17:03,125
There's one sure way to find out.
476
00:17:03,167 --> 00:17:04,125
How? Ask him.
477
00:17:04,167 --> 00:17:07,250
RICHIE: Daddy, mommy, look what Tommy gave me.
478
00:17:07,292 --> 00:17:08,333
What is it, dear?
479
00:17:08,333 --> 00:17:10,333
It's a turtle.
480
00:17:10,375 --> 00:17:11,458
Oh, well, if you're gonna keep it,
481
00:17:11,500 --> 00:17:12,875
you're gonna have to take care of it
482
00:17:12,917 --> 00:17:14,125
and feed it yourself.
483
00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:15,000
RICHIE: I'm not gonna keep it.
484
00:17:15,042 --> 00:17:18,500
I'm gonna make turtle soup out of it.
485
00:17:18,542 --> 00:17:20,208
Rich, would you put the turtle down
486
00:17:20,250 --> 00:17:21,333
for just a minute?
487
00:17:21,375 --> 00:17:22,417
I'd like to talk to you.
488
00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:23,583
Sit down here.
489
00:17:23,625 --> 00:17:24,417
Are we gonna talk about
490
00:17:24,458 --> 00:17:26,250
some of the words I learned today?
491
00:17:26,292 --> 00:17:27,167
No, Rich.
492
00:17:27,208 --> 00:17:29,833
Please forget everything you learned today.
493
00:17:29,875 --> 00:17:32,417
But I learned some good ones.
494
00:17:32,458 --> 00:17:34,375
Darling, maybe we ought to do this after dinner.
495
00:17:34,417 --> 00:17:36,250
Can I have what I want for dinner?
496
00:17:36,292 --> 00:17:37,250
What do you want, dear?
497
00:17:37,292 --> 00:17:39,250
Turtle soup.
498
00:17:39,292 --> 00:17:42,333
Richie, you are not gonna make soup out of that turtle.
499
00:17:42,375 --> 00:17:45,875
Tommy said it was a jerky idea too.
500
00:17:48,375 --> 00:17:49,875
Did he say "jerky?"
501
00:17:49,875 --> 00:17:50,875
Yes.
502
00:17:50,917 --> 00:17:53,208
He's never used that word before.
503
00:17:53,250 --> 00:17:55,250
And he just left Tommy Kirk.
504
00:17:55,292 --> 00:17:57,250
And the Kirks just moved in a few days ago
505
00:17:57,292 --> 00:18:01,083
and I don't know them.
506
00:18:01,125 --> 00:18:04,125
Rich, would you run in and wash your hands for dinner,
507
00:18:04,125 --> 00:18:05,333
please?
508
00:18:05,375 --> 00:18:06,500
Okay, Daddy.
509
00:18:06,542 --> 00:18:08,625
Can I wash the turtle's hands too?
510
00:18:08,667 --> 00:18:10,375
Yeah, go ahead.
511
00:18:10,417 --> 00:18:11,667
Come on, turtle.
512
00:18:11,667 --> 00:18:14,333
Richie, don't use boiling water.
513
00:18:16,417 --> 00:18:17,500
Rob, what are you doing?
514
00:18:17,542 --> 00:18:19,917
Just watch. Hello, information?
515
00:18:19,958 --> 00:18:23,375
Do you have a number for Kirk, K-I-R-K?
516
00:18:23,417 --> 00:18:25,375
It's on Maple Street. It's a new number.
517
00:18:25,375 --> 00:18:27,208
Rob, what are you gonna say to him?
518
00:18:27,250 --> 00:18:29,208
I'm gonna tell him that his language is contagious
519
00:18:29,250 --> 00:18:32,250
and his son Tommy is contaminating this neighborhood.
520
00:18:32,250 --> 00:18:34,250
Tom, you can't say that to a perfect stranger.
521
00:18:34,250 --> 00:18:36,083
443.
522
00:18:36,125 --> 00:18:37,167
Thank you very much, operator.
523
00:18:37,208 --> 00:18:39,375
Oh, Rob, this isn't the way to do it.
524
00:18:39,417 --> 00:18:41,667
Honey, the way I feel, I may say a few words
525
00:18:41,708 --> 00:18:44,375
that even Mr. Kirk never heard of before.
526
00:18:44,417 --> 00:18:46,292
Oh, Rob, please hang up.
527
00:18:46,333 --> 00:18:47,417
Honey, please, don't.
528
00:18:47,458 --> 00:18:49,125
I've got myself all primed and built up
529
00:18:49,167 --> 00:18:52,125
to deliver a real good lecture on social behavior.
530
00:18:52,167 --> 00:18:53,542
Don't say anything to take the edge off my anger
531
00:18:53,542 --> 00:18:55,333
because I'm mad.
532
00:18:55,375 --> 00:18:57,708
Hello, who is this?
533
00:18:57,708 --> 00:18:59,917
Mrs. Kirk.
534
00:18:59,958 --> 00:19:03,375
Mrs. Kirk, this is Robert Petrie.
535
00:19:03,417 --> 00:19:07,917
The reason I--my wife wants to talk to you.
536
00:19:09,667 --> 00:19:12,125
Well, you seem to have lost your edge pretty fast.
537
00:19:12,125 --> 00:19:14,583
How did I know Mrs. Kirk was gonna answer?
538
00:19:14,625 --> 00:19:16,292
Rob!
539
00:19:16,292 --> 00:19:17,625
Honey, Mrs. Kirk's waiting.
540
00:19:17,667 --> 00:19:19,417
She's coming right now.
541
00:19:19,458 --> 00:19:21,667
Honey, come on.
542
00:19:21,708 --> 00:19:23,542
Rob, what am I gonna say to her?
543
00:19:23,583 --> 00:19:24,583
You say to her what I was gonna say to him.
544
00:19:24,625 --> 00:19:26,500
Well, how do I know what you wanted to say to him?
545
00:19:26,500 --> 00:19:29,250
You know how I think, honey, you know me.
546
00:19:29,292 --> 00:19:30,458
Mrs. Kirk, she's on her way right now.
547
00:19:30,500 --> 00:19:32,333
Honey, Mrs. Kirk's waiting.
548
00:19:32,375 --> 00:19:33,958
Here she is.
549
00:19:36,667 --> 00:19:38,125
Hello, Mrs. Kirk.
550
00:19:38,167 --> 00:19:41,250
This is Mrs. Petrie, Richie's mother.
551
00:19:41,292 --> 00:19:43,542
Well, thank you, and Richie likes Tommy too.
552
00:19:43,583 --> 00:19:45,667
Tell her what's been going on.
553
00:19:45,708 --> 00:19:47,125
Mrs. Kirk, I was wondering,
554
00:19:47,167 --> 00:19:48,542
since our boys are such good friends,
555
00:19:48,583 --> 00:19:50,625
if you and your husband wouldn't like to come over
556
00:19:50,667 --> 00:19:53,250
and visit us so we can become better acquainted.
557
00:19:53,292 --> 00:19:54,250
I wasn't gonna say that.
558
00:19:54,292 --> 00:19:56,125
Well, then, you say what you want it to be.
559
00:19:56,167 --> 00:19:58,292
My wife will be right with you.
560
00:20:00,625 --> 00:20:04,708
Yes, that was my husband who was just passing by.
561
00:20:04,750 --> 00:20:08,292
Well, then, shall we make it this evening about 8:30?
562
00:20:08,333 --> 00:20:11,542
All right, the address is 148 Bonnie Meadow Road.
563
00:20:11,583 --> 00:20:13,333
All right, we'll look for you then.
564
00:20:13,375 --> 00:20:14,750
You're welcome.
565
00:20:14,750 --> 00:20:17,292
Honey, why did you do that? Who needs 'em over here?
566
00:20:17,333 --> 00:20:19,125
Rob, you can't discuss something like this
567
00:20:19,167 --> 00:20:20,000
on the phone.
568
00:20:20,042 --> 00:20:21,083
Now the Kirks probably aren't even aware
569
00:20:21,125 --> 00:20:23,708
that their son is repeating things he hears at home.
570
00:20:23,750 --> 00:20:25,208
Please do it my way.
571
00:20:25,250 --> 00:20:26,542
All right, honey, but I am warning you,
572
00:20:26,583 --> 00:20:27,542
I am very upset,
573
00:20:27,583 --> 00:20:29,458
and I may lose my temper with them.
574
00:20:29,500 --> 00:20:31,292
You seem to have lost your temper already.
575
00:20:31,333 --> 00:20:34,125
Well, I'll get it back before they get here.
576
00:20:34,167 --> 00:20:37,208
I cannot understand why parents allow their children to do
577
00:20:37,250 --> 00:20:39,458
and say things that can only make them social outcasts.
578
00:20:39,500 --> 00:20:41,167
Don't they even care about their kids?
579
00:20:41,208 --> 00:20:42,667
Rob, you're getting much too excited.
580
00:20:42,708 --> 00:20:45,708
Good. I lecture better when I'm excited.
581
00:20:45,750 --> 00:20:47,125
How about some dinner?
582
00:20:47,167 --> 00:20:48,125
What are you having?
583
00:20:48,167 --> 00:20:49,125
Spaghetti and meatballs.
584
00:20:49,167 --> 00:20:50,292
I don't want any.
585
00:20:50,333 --> 00:20:51,542
Well, honey, that's your favorite.
586
00:20:51,583 --> 00:20:52,667
I know.
587
00:20:52,708 --> 00:20:54,625
If I eat it, I'll get happy and I want to stay mad.
588
00:21:03,458 --> 00:21:05,292
Well, it's 8:30. Where are they?
589
00:21:05,333 --> 00:21:07,292
Keep your voice down. Richie's asleep.
590
00:21:07,333 --> 00:21:08,500
You really are upset, aren't you?
591
00:21:08,542 --> 00:21:10,292
I don't believe I have ever been as mad
592
00:21:10,333 --> 00:21:11,708
as I am at this moment.
593
00:21:11,708 --> 00:21:12,667
You know something,
594
00:21:12,708 --> 00:21:15,125
I'm getting just about as mad as you are.
595
00:21:15,167 --> 00:21:16,208
You had your spaghetti and meatballs.
596
00:21:16,250 --> 00:21:18,250
What made you mad?
597
00:21:18,250 --> 00:21:19,250
I've just been up there
598
00:21:19,250 --> 00:21:20,542
looking at that innocent little boy
599
00:21:20,583 --> 00:21:22,125
and thinking how difficult it's been
600
00:21:22,167 --> 00:21:23,375
to keep evil away from him
601
00:21:23,417 --> 00:21:25,417
and to teach him right from wrong,
602
00:21:25,458 --> 00:21:27,458
to love him, and watch over him.
603
00:21:27,458 --> 00:21:28,708
Right. that's exactly what I mean.
604
00:21:28,750 --> 00:21:32,292
And then to have some joker like this Kirk
605
00:21:32,333 --> 00:21:34,667
who's totally unaware or permissive or whatever,
606
00:21:34,708 --> 00:21:37,167
come in the neighborhood and cancel out the whole thing.
607
00:21:37,167 --> 00:21:38,167
I'm with you.
608
00:21:38,167 --> 00:21:39,500
( DOORBELL RINGS )
609
00:21:39,542 --> 00:21:42,292
Well, let's try to do this without losing our tempers.
610
00:21:42,333 --> 00:21:43,292
We won't lose our temper.
611
00:21:43,333 --> 00:21:44,333
You don't have to
612
00:21:44,375 --> 00:21:46,625
when you have the power of good on your side.
613
00:21:48,708 --> 00:21:51,333
I hope we're not late, Mrs. Petrie.
614
00:21:51,375 --> 00:21:52,583
May we come in?
615
00:21:52,625 --> 00:21:54,792
Uh, yes, come right in.
616
00:22:02,458 --> 00:22:05,625
Can we take your collar-- your hat?
617
00:22:05,667 --> 00:22:07,583
Oh, hat.
618
00:22:07,625 --> 00:22:09,167
Come in.
619
00:22:14,333 --> 00:22:16,292
Well, I must admit that Richie's writing
620
00:22:16,333 --> 00:22:19,167
that on the school blackboard was pretty embarrassing.
621
00:22:19,208 --> 00:22:21,917
But I think our experience with Tommy was more annoying.
622
00:22:21,958 --> 00:22:23,708
And more expensive.
623
00:22:23,750 --> 00:22:25,250
Why, what did he do?
624
00:22:25,292 --> 00:22:27,917
He took a nail and scratched his little message
625
00:22:27,917 --> 00:22:29,250
in the living room wall.
626
00:22:29,292 --> 00:22:32,292
With a nail, huh? How about that, honey?
627
00:22:32,292 --> 00:22:33,458
Little devil.
628
00:22:33,500 --> 00:22:38,708
Oh, no, I didn't mean that. It just kind of slipped out.
629
00:22:38,750 --> 00:22:39,542
Oh, that's all right.
630
00:22:39,583 --> 00:22:41,292
It's the way we felt about it too.
631
00:22:41,333 --> 00:22:43,292
Besides, things do slip out sometimes.
632
00:22:43,333 --> 00:22:44,208
ROB: Yes, they do.
633
00:22:44,250 --> 00:22:46,292
But how do you stop kids from slipping?
634
00:22:46,333 --> 00:22:48,417
I don't really know if you can.
635
00:22:48,458 --> 00:22:50,667
Of course, I'm not an expert on the subject,
636
00:22:50,708 --> 00:22:54,208
obviously, but I do talk to a lot of parents
637
00:22:54,250 --> 00:22:57,167
and, believe me, our kids are not unique.
638
00:22:57,208 --> 00:22:59,208
This is a very common problem.
639
00:22:59,250 --> 00:23:02,292
I think that Tommy and Richie have just reached the age
640
00:23:02,333 --> 00:23:03,958
where they're searching to learn things
641
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:05,375
they haven't been taught at home.
642
00:23:05,417 --> 00:23:07,708
They're just trying to create a kind of independence
643
00:23:07,750 --> 00:23:08,667
for themselves.
644
00:23:08,708 --> 00:23:10,250
I just hope they don't get too independent.
645
00:23:10,292 --> 00:23:11,958
Yes, that could be very embarrassing.
646
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:15,333
Especially when you're in my husband's line of work.
647
00:23:15,375 --> 00:23:17,208
( LAUGHS )
648
00:23:19,500 --> 00:23:23,292
Well, as children grow older, they naturally say things
649
00:23:23,333 --> 00:23:25,417
that they know are wrong just to provoke a reaction
650
00:23:25,458 --> 00:23:28,333
so it's up to us to react correctly.
651
00:23:28,375 --> 00:23:30,458
ROB: But what is the correct reaction?
652
00:23:30,500 --> 00:23:32,417
Ha, well, there's several schools of thought on that.
653
00:23:32,417 --> 00:23:34,250
Take my father, for instance.
654
00:23:34,250 --> 00:23:35,917
His reaction was an understanding smile
655
00:23:35,917 --> 00:23:38,458
and a rap in the mouth.
656
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:43,458
Thank goodness we handle it differently nowadays.
657
00:23:43,458 --> 00:23:44,958
Yes, we do.
658
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:46,833
How?
659
00:23:46,833 --> 00:23:48,917
Well, mainly by setting a good example.
660
00:23:48,958 --> 00:23:50,000
Well, we try to
661
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:52,792
but how do you handle a situation like this one?
662
00:23:52,833 --> 00:23:54,333
Well, just the same way your husband does.
663
00:23:54,333 --> 00:23:55,750
I have a talk with Tommy
664
00:23:55,792 --> 00:23:57,875
and tell him how I feel about it.
665
00:23:57,875 --> 00:24:01,167
And I just try to do that in an atmosphere of mutual love.
666
00:24:01,208 --> 00:24:02,792
Oh, well, then, Richie has no problems, honey.
667
00:24:02,833 --> 00:24:04,917
The kid's crazy about us.
668
00:24:04,917 --> 00:24:05,750
I'm sure he is.
669
00:24:05,792 --> 00:24:06,917
And you don't go round saying things
670
00:24:06,917 --> 00:24:07,917
you wouldn't want him to hear.
671
00:24:07,917 --> 00:24:09,292
No, we try not to.
672
00:24:09,333 --> 00:24:11,292
You just have to realize that there's really no way
673
00:24:11,333 --> 00:24:13,875
you can keep him from hearing some bad things
674
00:24:13,917 --> 00:24:16,292
or even having some bad things happen to him.
675
00:24:16,292 --> 00:24:18,458
Like what happened to Tommy today.
676
00:24:18,458 --> 00:24:19,458
What happened to Tommy?
677
00:24:19,458 --> 00:24:22,333
Well, he traded his pet turtle to some little boy
678
00:24:22,333 --> 00:24:24,750
for 200 baseball cards.
679
00:24:24,792 --> 00:24:26,458
Uh, ahem, didn't he want to trade?
680
00:24:26,500 --> 00:24:28,833
Oh, yes, but after he did it, the little boy said
681
00:24:28,875 --> 00:24:32,792
he wanted the turtle to make soup out of him.
682
00:24:32,833 --> 00:24:34,292
Excuse me.
683
00:24:36,208 --> 00:24:37,375
To make soup out of him.
684
00:24:37,417 --> 00:24:38,375
I hope the kid's parents
685
00:24:38,417 --> 00:24:40,167
know enough to discourage him from doing it.
686
00:24:40,208 --> 00:24:41,417
Oh, I'm sure they do.
687
00:24:41,417 --> 00:24:43,292
I'm abso-- aren't you, darling?
688
00:24:43,333 --> 00:24:44,917
Oh, yeah, they're very intelligent,
689
00:24:44,958 --> 00:24:45,917
responsible parents.
690
00:24:45,958 --> 00:24:49,292
Here you are, Reverend.
691
00:24:49,333 --> 00:24:51,792
Well, the prodigal returneth.
692
00:24:51,833 --> 00:24:54,000
Yes, his hands are all clean too.
693
00:25:00,292 --> 00:25:02,833
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