All language subtitles for The Dick Van Dyke Show - 01x18 - Who Owes Who What

~~

( DING ) And there's the bell for the final round.

Rob?

Rob?

Honey, it's the 15th round. This is it.

Stay on the inside, champ.

Don't let him tie you up.

What was this check for?

What check? This one.

Not now. Get away! Rob!

Not you, him! Get away from him, champ!

Rob, it'll just take a second.

Just look at it, please.

I may miss the knockout.

They've been punching each other like that for an hour.

Will you please tell me what this check was for? Sweetie, please!

He's down! Who's down? Who?!

I've been broadcasting fights for 25 years.

I don't ever remember having seen a punch like that!

What? What punch? I missed the whole punch.

What are you turning my head for?

The crowd is still buzzing about that punch!

I venture that'll be described as the punch of the century!

You made me miss the punch of the century.

I'm sorry, but it all happened so fast.

Are you angry with me?

Oh, why should I be angry?

Just because you made me miss the punch of the--

Oh!

Missed the punch and broke the knob.

Ohh.

I said I was sorry, dear.

Oh, well, the century's young.

There'll be another punch.

So I'll just go see the fight films at a movie theater.

What did you want to ask me about?

This check-- do you remember what it was for?

$25 made out to "cash".

I'm trying to get a head start on our tax return.

I thought it might be a business

or entertainment deduction.

That was months ago.

I don't remember what I did with the money.

Oh, wait. Endorsed by Buddy.

I think that was a loan.

Oh. Did he pay it back?

Well, I'm almost sure he did.

I think.

Well, are you sure, or do you think?

Well, I... Almost think I'm sure.

No, I'm positive.

Good.

I'm positive I think I'm sure.

Rob, are you sure you're positive,

or do you just imagine you're positive?

I'm positive I'm positive. He paid me back.

You're not positive, are you?

Why do you say that? Because you're shouting.

I'm not shouting. You're not whispering.

Just because I'm not whispering doesn't mean I'm shouting.

There's a level in between, you know.

Yes, dear, I know that level,

and you're not at it.

I know you,

and I know why you're shout--

almost shouting. Why?

Because you're not sure if Buddy paid you back,

and you're embarrassed at the prospect

of asking him for the money, right?

Not right. First of all,

I was not shouting.

I was speaking at this particular level,

and that is not my shouting level.

For your future information...

This is the level that I reach when I'm shouting!

Can you hear the difference between talking at this level...

( LOUDER ) and talking at this level?!

Yes, dear.

Good.

Buddy didn't pay you back, did he?

I think he must've forgotten.

Rob, you are going to ask him for the money, aren't you?

Ask him for the money?!

Was that shouting? Almost.

Rob, why don't you ask him?

Honey, you just don't go remind a guy

that he owes you money.

Like you said, it's embarrassing.

Oh, Rob. Millie and I always remind each other.

Well, you and Millie are women.

What's that got to do with it?

Women are built different than men.

Yes, I've heard that.

No, women are more--more--

honest and direct? No.

They're more...

Courageous?

What do you mean, courageous? You think I'm afraid

to ask Buddy for that money? Yes, I do.

Well, I don't happy to be afraid of Buddy.

Well, what are you afraid of?

Who said I was afraid of anything?

Why is that money so important to you anyway?

Rob, it's important to me

because I happen to spend a great deal of time each week

walking up and down up and down the aisles of supermarkets,

looking for little red arrows that say "special",

trying to save us a little money,

and you don't appreciate it.

I do too appreciate it. Keep it up.

Why should I keep it up when you feel perfectly free

to throw away $25 just like that?

Honey, I'm not gonna throw $25 away like that.

I'll get the money back. How?

Well...the fight!

The fight?

The always replay the knockout on tape.

My knob. Honey, where'd you put my knob?

You put it in your pocket.

What did you put it in there for?

I probably missed it.

Here, I'll see the knockout.

Well, this is one way to change the subject. I'm not.

The crowd is still buzzing about that punch!

I venture that'll be described

as the punch of the century!

I missed it twice in the same century.

Oh, you--

all right, since you're afraid to talk to Buddy about this,

shall I just mark it down as a bad debt

and let our government absorb the loss?

I'm perfectly capable of handling it myself.

You're angry. I am not angry.

Oh, honey.

You don't have to prove anything to me.

I love you even though, when it comes to money,

you are a bit of a marshmallow.

A--

a marshmallow?

You think I'm not gonna get that money back, don't you?

Hmm... Well, why?

Because I know you.

Oh, you know me, do you? Well, it just so happens

you don't know me as well as I know me,

because I'm with myself almost constantly.

( COUGHS )

May I have that check, please?

What are you going to do with it?

I'm gonna handle it my way, in a man's way.

( MUTTERING )

It was there.

No, it's too obvious.

( CONTINUES MUTTERING )

Hi, Rob. Oh, hi, Sal.

Buddy here yet?

No, not yet.

How'd it go at Buddy's house last night?

I met him. You met who?

Buddy's wife's cousin.

What was he like?

Well, did you ever see the untouchables? Yeah.

He was more like one of the unbearables.

The whole evening was a flop.

I was gonna help you with your sofa.

Help me with my sofa?

Yeah.

Are you all right, Rob?

I'm fine.

Well, as I was saying,

the whole evening was a flop.

Even left my purse there.

Boy, I sure hope Buddy remembers to bring it in.

I kind of feel undressed without it, you know.

Hey, looks like a day for losing money.

You must've dropped this. Oh, is that mine?

It's got your name on it.

Oh, it's just an old canceled check.

Well, what do you say we get to work? Yeah.

Listen, Buddy said something about changing

the whole end spot where Alan meets the guest star.

He said let's rewrite that--

Good Morning. Oh, hi, Mel.

I see our adult delinquent is late as usual.

No, I'm not. I'm back.

I was out shopping.

Yes, he made an excellent purchase.

His old purse was getting awfully shabby.

Here's your bag, Sally.

And remember this, Mr. Crew Cut--

we make the jokes around here.

You're nothing but a--a--

anybody find out yet what he is?

Rob, as the producer of this show, I'm getting sick and--

that's it, he's a sick producer. I knew it.

Rob...

Buddy, settle down, please.

Rob, Alan's very pleased

with the show you wrote this week.

But?

No "but".

It's just that we're a little short on time.

We could use an extra comedy spot.

Oh. you got any good ideas?

Well-- only good idea he ever had

was to marry the star's sister.

Rob, I'd be obliged if you'd control your subordinates.

Ah, don't pick on him. He's not my keeper.

Oh? Where is your keeper? Still at the zoo?

Hey, Buddy, that's pretty funny. He topped you.

No, he didn't. I just owe him an insult.

You owe him? I'll remind you to pay him back.

You don't have to remind me to pay back anything.

I always pay back-- insults, lawn mowers, even money.

I can't stand to owe. You do?

Yeah, always pay back. I can't stand owing.

You know what else annoys me, Buddy?

People who owe you money and forget to pay it back.

Oh, they're the worst. Especially when they know that they--

How do you like that? We're talking about owing,

and that's exactly what I'm guilty of. You are?

Hey, that's great! I mean, what do you mean?

Well, I owe somebody in this organization 25 cents.

Cents? Yeah.

Is that all?

What do you mean, is that all?

It may only be 25 cents to you,

but to Marge, our switchboard girl,

25 cents is a quarter of a dollar.

You owe Marge 25 cents?

What's so amazing about that?

She paid for my yogurt the other day.

Anybody got a quarter?

No, I don't have any change.

Sal, got a quarter?

Uh, seven cents and a lint-covered sourball.

No, that's no good.

Rob, would you loan me a dollar? Oh, sure.

That's no dollar. It's a canceled check.

Oh, is that what that is?

There's a dollar right here.

Come on, let go. You afraid I won't pay it back?

No, here. there.

I'm gonna go out and pay Marge.

Don't forget, I owe you a dollar.

26.

What'd you say, Rob?

Uh, 26.

26 what?

Well, just... 25 and 1 make 26.

How about that?

I always wondered how much 25 and 1 were.

Hi, honey. Hi.

How's my girl today? ( MUMBLES )

Where's our son? He's next door.

He'll be back in a minute.

What'd you do today?

Well, I dusted and vacuumed,

and I sent your suits to the cleaners,

I killed a moth,

and I worked on our financial accounts.

Did you, uh, talk to Buddy? Yes, I did.

Honey, that looks like fun.

Can I help you with that? Mm-hmm.

You, uh, did talk to Buddy? Yes, I did.

And he paid back the money.

He paid it back, yes.

What are you making with this cabbage?

Coleslaw. Oh, yeah.

You talked to him, and he paid back the whole 25--

5! 25-- he paid it back.

I never would've believed it.

What did you say?

Well--to him? Yes.

Well, I said that it annoys me

when people forget to pay back money they owe you.

I'm proud of you, darling.

Honey, don't-- don't proud me. I'm not--

how much of this do you want me to shred?

That depends on how much you feel like eating.

I'll just shred it all and finish up the leftovers

during the 11:00 news.

Rob, what are you gonna do with the money?

Well, I hadn't thought about it.

Good. Because I'd like the opportunity

of trying to wheedle you out of some of it.

I saw the most darling fabric.

I thought I'd make some drapes for Ritchie's room.

Well, we--if--

Now, it's your money, Rob,

and if you've made other plans

for spending it, I'll understand.

I'll be depressed and upset,

sob a good deal during dinner,

but you won't hear

any of the nasty thoughts I'll be thinking.

Did you make any plans for the money?

No, I haven't. No, honey.

I, uh--I have it here.

There you are. $25.

Thank you, honey. Yeah.

Hi, daddy! Hi, Rich.

What have you got there?

Two onions Mrs. Helper owed mommy.

Here, mommy. You'd better go wash your hands.

Okay.

Well, how about that?

Buddy paid you back the 25,

Millie came through with the two onions she borrowed.

Looks like today's our day.

Yeah, it sure does.

Uh, Rob? Huh?

Are you angry with me?

No, why should I be angry with you?

I wasn't very nice to you last night.

Calling you a marshmallow

and saying you were afraid to handle

the situation with Buddy.

I guess I don't know you as well as I thought.

Anyway, I think I owe you an apology.

No, honey, you don't owe me anything.

Yes, I do, Rob. I apologize.

You're quite a guy.

Oh, honey. No, I'm not, uh, quite a guy.

Oh, yes, you are. No, I'm not, honey.

Boy, Jerry, I feel like such a rat.

She even apologized.

She thinks Buddy gave me that 25 bucks,

and actually now he owes me 26.

Why don't you just ask him for the money? Your move.

I can't ask him now. It's been over six months.

Oh, yeah, that would be embarrassing. Your move.

He'll just have to remind himself of it, that's all.

I'm sure he will in due time. Sure, sure.

Would you remind a guy if he owed you some money?

No, I'd probably do just what you're doing--

keep dropping hints. Your move, Rob.

The trouble with women is, they don't realize

a guy just can't walk up and say,

"Hey, gimme the money you owe me."

Why, you son of a gun.

You didn't invite me over here just to play chess.

You're trying to remind me that I owe you $2.

You don't owe me any $2.

Oh, come on, Rob. Here, take it. A bet's a bet.

What bet? The fight.

You don't remember we bet on the fight?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, sure, you forgot.

No, honest, I did forget, Jerry.

Let me tell you something, you'll have no trouble

reminding Buddy about this money.

You're very good at hinting.

Jerry, believe me, I wasn't hinting.

This whole thing sounds like one of those comedy sketches

you write for your television show. Your move.

Comedy sketch.

Jerry, you're a genius. I am?

Yeah, you just gave me a couple of clues

that may remind Buddy of that debt.

What do you mean?

Hinting and comedy sketch.

I'm just gonna write a little comedy sketch

about people owing money.

When Buddy reads it, he's bound to get the hint.

But suppose Buddy doesn't take this hint.

Oh, he's got to take the hint.

Laura thinks I've got that money,

and I'd like to get it.

You didn't get the money back?

Who's there?!

It's Laura. Hiya, Laura.

Hi, honey.

We're just playing chess. Wanna watch?

Your move, Jer.

Hey, you jumped my bishop.

Oh, I'm-- I'm sorry.

Rob, I'd like to talk to you.

Now? Right now.

We can't talk now. I just jumped his bishop. Sit down, Jerry.

Uh, I didn't realize it was getting so late.

( YAWNS ) It's almost 8:00.

Let me walk you home! No, I'll find it!

Oh, okay.

Jerry paid me back $2 he owed me.

That's nice.

Want to play chess?

No, thank you.

Want the $2?

Rob, didn't you tell me

that Buddy paid you back?

Yes, honey. I did bring up the subject.

And Buddy did pay back...

25 cents to Marge for yogurt.

You led me to believe that he paid you back.

Maybe I did, but you jumped to the conclusion.

You made me jump. Oh, no, honey.

I might've led you to the edge,

but jumping was your idea.

Robert, you pushed me!

Giving me the $25 out of your own pocket--

that wasn't very nice.

Wasn't very nice?

I gave you my lunch and haircut money.

It was a pretty marshmallowy thing to do.

Marsh--are you calling me a marshmallow?

You think a marshmallow could go without eating for a week

without a haircut?

( CLEARS THROAT ) I'm gonna handle this,

and I'm gonna handle it in my own way!

You're shouting. Right! Now do you see the difference?

Hi, Sal.

Well, am I late?

Naturally.

Where's Rob? He late, too?

Late? He was here before I got here.

He went downstairs to get a bite to eat.

Hey, Buddy, you know this comedy sketch that Rob wrote?

I don't know, it isn't like him. It isn't even funny.

I didn't help him with it. How could it be funny?

Seriously, Buddy. It isn't even original.

It's taken from an old Vaudeville sketch.

It's about people owing money, something.

Owing money? There's a lot of that jazz

going on right here in this office.

You mean I owe you money?

No. Rob. Owes me 25 bucks.

Rob owes you $25?

Yeah, for about six months now. I guess he forgot it.

So why don't you ask him for it?

It's too embarrassing.

Guys don't do that.

"Oh, you owe me $25."

Besides, I let it go too long.

What did you let go too long?

Uh...my hair. I need a haircut.

Oh, yeah, you do.

Hey, I see you've got my script. You read it?

No, but Sal was telling me about it.

Let's put it on its feet and read it over.

All right. Okay, come on.

Alan asked me to stop by to--

Oh, is that the comedy spot?

No, bubble-head. This is the comedy spot.

Rob? Buddy!

Sally? Mel?

Rob! Sally! Buddy!

Go ahead, curly, it's your turn. Say, "Rob."

Rob!

Beautiful. Wonderful.

All right, all right!

Now that we've had the roll call,

may I hear the comedy spot?

Mel, it's not quite ready for you yet.

I'd like to hear it anyway.

I don't--you should-- sit down.

All right, actually, it's kind of based on an old Vaudeville bit.

Buddy, you be the guy who owes--or the ower--

and I'll be the guy to whom you owe money, or the stuckee.

All right?

And I'll play the girl because...

I got long hair.

Let's start now.

( WHISTLING )

Oh, George, I don't like to interrupt your whistling,

but I happen to be a little short of money,

and you owe me $2.

I owe you $2? What for?

Remember the other night, we went out on a double date?

Yeah.

We went to that expensive nightclub.

And the bill was $8. That's $2 apiece, right?

I collected from the girls, but you still owe me $2.

Completely slipped my mind, Bruce.

I've only got one dollar.

You take this dollar, and I'll owe you one.

Right! Which reminds me, Charlie...

You owe me $2.

Me? I owe you $2? For what?

I was in the office the other day

when your laundry came back.

Did they refuse it?

No, they delivered it, but I paid.

And it came to $2.

I'm sorry, but all I have is $1.

Well, I'll take it. But remember, you still owe me a dollar.

Say, Gwendolyn, it embarrasses me to remind you,

but you owe me $2. For what?

For those cosmetics you asked me to pick up at the drug store.

Well, a debt is a debt, and all I have is this $1.

Here, you take it, and I'll owe you a dollar.

Hey, George, there's the dollar you owe me. Now we're all squared.

That's the dollar you owe me, and now we're all squared.

And that's the dollar you owe me, and now everybody's squared,

and I've got my dollar back!

Applause, applause, applause. What do you think, Mel?

When you have something, call me.

We know exactly what to call you.

Rob. Buddy.

Sally.

( ALL SHOUTING AT ONCE )

Well, maybe it isn't a funny sketch,

but I think the subject is interesting, don't you?

Yeah, it kind of reminds me

of something that's going on right here in the office.

Yes, it does.

Something between you and me.

Yeah, now that you mention it,

something about one of us borrowing money.

Yeah, I sort of remember, uh,

borrowing $25.

It was a check. Of course, you wouldn't remember it.

Oh, I do. Uh, vaguely.

So you owe me $25.

Well, uh, in a way, but, um...

I sort of remember a COD parcel coming into the office,

and I paid for it.

And it was, uh... $49.97.

And you paid for it. Right.

No wonder I never got a bill for that jacket.

I owe you $25! Right.

Oh, Buddy, why didn't you remind me of it?

I feel awful. That's all right. These things happen.

I'm so embarrassed.

There's only one way to get over that feeling. How?

Give me the money.

You feel better?

Now we're all squared.

No, we're not, Buddy. You still owe me.

I don't remember borrowing from you.

Well, it was a dollar for the yogurt for Marge.

Oh, yeah. You got change for a five?

I don't know. Let's see.

I've got some ones. No, I've only got three ones, Buddy.

Here, take the five, and I'll take the three ones,

and you owe me a dollar.

Oh, no, Buddy, I've owed you for six months.

I don't want to owe you anymore.

It's all right. You owe me a buck.

No, insist you take the five--

Fellas, fellas! Hold it, let me settle it.

Here, Rob, I'll lend you a dollar.

No, then I'll owe you.

Oh, I got it. Take it back.

Buddy, take your five, give me back my three ones.

Now, Sally, you loan Buddy a dollar.

That's it. now, you give me the dollar, Buddy.

You and I are square, and you owe Sally a dollar.

Hold it, hold it. I need a dollar. What for?

I need a dollar for cab fare.

All I've got is a $20 bill,

seven cents, and a linty-covered sourball.

None of which cab drivers will accept.

Well, here, I'll loan you a dollar, and you'll owe me.

Wait a minute. What difference does it make who owes who what?

Here, take the five.

But I don't want to owe you.

Wait a minute. Rob, you take the dollar.

Now, here's a twenty. Give me two tens.

Well, I haven't got two tens.

I gave Buddy the two tens and a five.

Buddy, give me the two tens.

You take this twenty. That's Sally's twenty.

Sally, you give me one ten.

I'm empty.

Oh.

There's $3. I owe you 17.

( ALL ARGUING AT ONCE )

Hey, fellas. ( WHISTLES )

This is it.

This is what? I'm out 11 bucks!

I mean, this is it-- the comedy sketch.

We just did it here. Oh, yeah.

Hey, you know, it could be funny.

Yeah. Start typing, Sal.

Not till I get my 11 bucks back.

Here. 11. Now, how did it start?

I gave you $25. $25.

And then a five-- I gave you a five.

I took--but she gave me a dollar.

No, I said I would loan him a dollar.

No, you gave me the dollar.

( ALL ARGUING AT ONCE )

I still don't understand it.

All right, I'll tell you once more,

and then I am not gonna explain it again.

Now, Buddy paid $49.97, COD,

for the tweed jacket. It's the one you don't like,

you won't let me wear, right? Right.

Which canceled out the $25

that I loaned him by check.

So I gave him $25,

got back my dollar for the yogurt.

And it was all very embarrassing.

I don't see what's so hard to understand.

Darling, all I can say

is that if something is owed you, ask for it,

and it will be less embarrassing.

Oh, really?

What are you smiling at?

Am I smiling?

Yeah, your teeth are showing.

They are? Oh, yes, they are.

Honey...

I've got something very important that I want to say to you,

and then I'm gonna give you a great, big kiss.

Oh. Well, what did you want to say?

I wanted to say that that speech you gave me

about being a marshmallow when it comes to money was not in vain.

It wasn't? No, sir.

By gosh, you convinced me that I should get what's mine,

even if it embarrasses me to ask for it.

You mean that, Rob? Yes, I do.

I'm not saying it'll be easy for me to do,

but you've taught me that it's the right thing to do.

And you're a very smart lady, and I love you.

Thank you, darling.

Would you like that kiss now? Mm-hmm.

All right, but first give me the $25 I gave you.

You're joking.

No, no. really, it embarrasses me to say it,

but I want my haircut and lunch money back...

Or no kiss.

Let go of my head.

I'll get my purse.

Oh, no, it's right here.

Oh, I'm so embarrassed.

You certainly don't deserve this.

Well, I said I was embarrassed.

Thank you, honey.

And now here's your kiss.

You'll owe it to me. I'll what?!

I will not owe it to you!

Rob, don't chase me!

Rob, wait, don't chase me!

All right, all right.

You'll owe it to me.

( BOTH SHOUTING )

~~