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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,743 --> 00:00:04,245 Say, that's a marvelous dance team. 2 00:00:04,279 --> 00:00:07,415 ( TOY RATTLES ) 3 00:00:07,449 --> 00:00:09,250 Please, honey, I'm trying to watch. 4 00:00:09,284 --> 00:00:11,186 Did you write this dance, Daddy? 5 00:00:11,219 --> 00:00:11,886 No, dear. 6 00:00:11,920 --> 00:00:12,954 Daddy didn't write the dance, 7 00:00:12,987 --> 00:00:14,489 but he did write the show, and he wants to see it. 8 00:00:14,522 --> 00:00:16,925 ALAN BRADY: ( ON TV ) Well, that's our little contribution for this week. 9 00:00:16,958 --> 00:00:19,360 Now I'd like to bring out our guests for one last bow. 10 00:00:19,394 --> 00:00:21,296 Here they are. 11 00:00:21,329 --> 00:00:23,865 Did you write what Alan Brady just said? 12 00:00:23,898 --> 00:00:25,133 Uh, part of it, Ritch. 13 00:00:25,166 --> 00:00:25,934 ALAN BRADY: Now until next week, 14 00:00:25,967 --> 00:00:27,035 I'll leave you with this thought. 15 00:00:27,068 --> 00:00:31,806 It's better to smile one day than cry a whole year. 16 00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:32,540 Goodnight, all. 17 00:00:32,574 --> 00:00:34,309 Oh, that didn't work. 18 00:00:35,543 --> 00:00:36,611 ANNOUNCER: " The Alan Brady Show" 19 00:00:36,644 --> 00:00:39,380 Is a Jeff Greg Barb Lou Ben Ray Polly production. 20 00:00:41,015 --> 00:00:42,183 Where'd they get that name, 21 00:00:42,217 --> 00:00:44,853 "Jeff Greg Barb Lou Ben Ray Polly"? 22 00:00:44,886 --> 00:00:46,387 Well, Jeff and Greg are the kids. 23 00:00:46,421 --> 00:00:47,889 Barb is his wife. 24 00:00:47,922 --> 00:00:48,857 Ben is his lawyer. 25 00:00:48,890 --> 00:00:52,127 Ray is his brother, and Lou is his manager. 26 00:00:53,428 --> 00:00:54,496 Who's Polly? 27 00:00:54,529 --> 00:00:56,030 That's his bird. 28 00:00:57,532 --> 00:00:59,134 Okay, Ritch, say goodnight to everybody. 29 00:00:59,167 --> 00:00:59,934 Time for bed. 30 00:00:59,968 --> 00:01:00,502 Goodnight, Daddy. 31 00:01:00,535 --> 00:01:01,970 Goodnight, Ritch. 32 00:01:02,003 --> 00:01:02,470 JERRY: Goodnight, Ritchie. 33 00:01:02,504 --> 00:01:03,338 Goodnight. 34 00:01:03,371 --> 00:01:04,205 I'll just go tuck him in. 35 00:01:04,239 --> 00:01:06,074 It shouldn't take more than an hour. 36 00:01:06,107 --> 00:01:07,342 Honey, would you put that stool away? 37 00:01:07,375 --> 00:01:09,310 Oh, okay. 38 00:01:09,344 --> 00:01:11,546 Well, another week and another show. 39 00:01:11,579 --> 00:01:13,047 You know, except for that closing line, 40 00:01:13,081 --> 00:01:14,449 it wasn't a bad show tonight. 41 00:01:14,482 --> 00:01:16,117 I thought it was wonderful. 42 00:01:16,151 --> 00:01:17,452 You two enjoyed it, huh? 43 00:01:17,485 --> 00:01:19,020 Now do you want an honest opinion? 44 00:01:19,053 --> 00:01:20,088 ROB AND MILLIE: No! 45 00:01:20,121 --> 00:01:21,222 Why not? 46 00:01:21,256 --> 00:01:22,090 'Cause I don't know what's gonna come out of you tonight. 47 00:01:22,123 --> 00:01:23,625 Are you in one of your needling moods? 48 00:01:23,658 --> 00:01:24,659 No. An honest opinion 49 00:01:24,692 --> 00:01:26,895 doesn't mean I'm gonna say it was a lousy show. 50 00:01:26,928 --> 00:01:28,096 All right then, what did you think of it? 51 00:01:28,129 --> 00:01:29,531 It was rotten. 52 00:01:31,132 --> 00:01:33,001 Thank you very much, Jerry Helper. 53 00:01:33,034 --> 00:01:34,569 Don't pay any attention to him. 54 00:01:34,602 --> 00:01:36,137 He loves to tease. 55 00:01:36,171 --> 00:01:37,505 Ooh, someday. 56 00:01:37,539 --> 00:01:39,073 Laura, what did you think of the show? 57 00:01:39,107 --> 00:01:40,441 I thought it was very good. 58 00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:42,944 Oh now, there's a loyal wife. 59 00:01:42,977 --> 00:01:44,312 No, Jerry, it's not just loyalty. 60 00:01:44,345 --> 00:01:47,448 I happened to honestly enjoy Mr. Alan Brady tonight. 61 00:01:47,482 --> 00:01:49,284 Oh, Rob, straighten her out, will you? 62 00:01:49,317 --> 00:01:50,952 Look, Laura doesn't need somebody to tell her 63 00:01:50,985 --> 00:01:52,053 what's good and what's bad. 64 00:01:52,086 --> 00:01:54,155 But you even said it was a clinker. 65 00:01:54,189 --> 00:01:56,191 All I said was it wasn't a bad show. 66 00:01:56,224 --> 00:01:57,625 I said the last line was a clinker. 67 00:01:57,659 --> 00:01:58,993 Well, one closing clinker 68 00:01:59,027 --> 00:02:00,528 can make a whole show clank. 69 00:02:02,263 --> 00:02:03,932 I think maybe we ought to have some coffee 70 00:02:03,965 --> 00:02:05,300 before things get violent. 71 00:02:05,333 --> 00:02:06,234 We're not gonna get violent. 72 00:02:06,267 --> 00:02:07,969 No, two friends don't have to get violent 73 00:02:08,002 --> 00:02:09,537 just because they're gonna discuss the merits 74 00:02:09,571 --> 00:02:12,173 of a rotten television show. 75 00:02:12,207 --> 00:02:13,074 Just a minute, jerry. 76 00:02:13,107 --> 00:02:14,475 I don't know whether you're kidding or not. 77 00:02:14,509 --> 00:02:15,543 Oh, of course, he's kidding. 78 00:02:15,577 --> 00:02:16,578 You know Jerry. 79 00:02:16,611 --> 00:02:17,579 Yeah, I know Jerry, 80 00:02:17,612 --> 00:02:19,314 and I can never tell whether he's kidding or not. 81 00:02:19,347 --> 00:02:21,082 Oh, Rob, did you think I was serious? 82 00:02:21,115 --> 00:02:22,116 Well, I never know with you. 83 00:02:22,150 --> 00:02:22,684 You sounded serious. 84 00:02:22,717 --> 00:02:23,952 Well, I was. 85 00:02:23,985 --> 00:02:25,053 Jerry! 86 00:02:25,086 --> 00:02:25,920 JERRY: Okay, the truth. 87 00:02:25,954 --> 00:02:27,488 You want to know what I honestly thought 88 00:02:27,522 --> 00:02:28,289 of Rob's show tonight? 89 00:02:28,323 --> 00:02:29,991 Yeah, if it's an honest opinion. 90 00:02:30,024 --> 00:02:30,625 Well, it is. 91 00:02:30,658 --> 00:02:31,659 I'll bet. 92 00:02:31,693 --> 00:02:33,328 I thought it was very enjoyable 93 00:02:33,361 --> 00:02:34,629 and highly entertaining. 94 00:02:34,662 --> 00:02:35,697 Well, thank you. 95 00:02:35,730 --> 00:02:37,332 If you like junk. 96 00:02:39,267 --> 00:02:40,201 You're gonna get it. 97 00:02:40,235 --> 00:02:41,336 I mean it, you're gonna get it. 98 00:02:41,369 --> 00:02:42,971 Aw, everybody knows I'm kidding. 99 00:02:43,004 --> 00:02:43,605 Are you? 100 00:02:43,638 --> 00:02:44,639 No. 101 00:02:44,672 --> 00:02:45,540 Jerry! 102 00:02:45,573 --> 00:02:46,274 Aw, come on, honey. 103 00:02:46,307 --> 00:02:48,243 Rob knows it's just in fun. 104 00:02:48,276 --> 00:02:49,510 Jerry, that is just the point. 105 00:02:49,544 --> 00:02:50,712 Kidding is not fun. 106 00:02:50,745 --> 00:02:52,380 It can lead to serious repercussions. 107 00:02:52,413 --> 00:02:53,481 JERRY: Like what? 108 00:02:53,514 --> 00:02:55,116 Well, like, someday you're gonna pick on some guy, 109 00:02:55,149 --> 00:02:56,684 you're gonna get a bust right in the nose. 110 00:02:56,718 --> 00:02:57,518 Oh, come on, now, Rob. 111 00:02:57,552 --> 00:02:59,087 You're not gonna punch me in the nose. 112 00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:00,622 No, not me, I'm not the violent type. 113 00:03:00,655 --> 00:03:02,457 But you're gonna come up against some guy, some day, 114 00:03:02,490 --> 00:03:03,958 who doesn't know you're kidding. 115 00:03:03,992 --> 00:03:05,326 He's gonna haul up and hit you one. 116 00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:06,361 No, not me. 117 00:03:06,394 --> 00:03:08,229 When I see that punch coming, I'll say "kidding." 118 00:03:08,263 --> 00:03:11,266 Uh-huh. He'll say, "So what?" Pow! 119 00:03:13,701 --> 00:03:14,402 ( DOORBELL RINGS ) 120 00:03:14,435 --> 00:03:15,737 Ah, excuse me, I'll get that. 121 00:03:15,770 --> 00:03:16,638 Oh, that looks good. 122 00:03:16,671 --> 00:03:17,739 Yeah, I hope you like it. 123 00:03:17,772 --> 00:03:18,740 I thought it looked kind of good. 124 00:03:18,773 --> 00:03:21,142 It's frozen. 125 00:03:21,676 --> 00:03:22,710 Oh, hello, Officer Bain. 126 00:03:22,744 --> 00:03:23,645 Hello, Mrs. Petrie. 127 00:03:23,678 --> 00:03:24,679 Is Mr. Petrie in? 128 00:03:24,712 --> 00:03:25,513 He's here, officer. 129 00:03:25,546 --> 00:03:26,414 Give yourself up, Rob. 130 00:03:26,447 --> 00:03:29,350 Yes, sir, he wrote that show tonight. 131 00:03:29,384 --> 00:03:30,251 MILLIE: Stop that. 132 00:03:30,285 --> 00:03:31,586 Oh, thanks very much. 133 00:03:31,619 --> 00:03:32,654 Hi, Jack. Come on in. 134 00:03:32,687 --> 00:03:33,388 Mr. Petrie. 135 00:03:33,421 --> 00:03:34,756 You know our next door neighbors. 136 00:03:34,789 --> 00:03:36,124 Hello, Dr. Helper, Mrs. Helper. 137 00:03:36,157 --> 00:03:37,292 Now listen, Rob. Don't involve me. 138 00:03:37,325 --> 00:03:39,460 He came to arrest you. 139 00:03:39,494 --> 00:03:41,062 Dr. Helper! They're kidding. 140 00:03:41,095 --> 00:03:42,397 Officer, would you like some coffee? 141 00:03:42,430 --> 00:03:43,464 No, thank you. 142 00:03:43,498 --> 00:03:44,432 JERRY: Hey, there's a smart man, 143 00:03:44,465 --> 00:03:46,100 He's heard about your coffee. 144 00:03:47,468 --> 00:03:48,102 What can I do for you, Jack? 145 00:03:48,136 --> 00:03:49,203 Well, I'm sorry to bother you 146 00:03:49,237 --> 00:03:50,405 at home like this, Mr. Petrie, 147 00:03:50,438 --> 00:03:52,607 but I got a couple of relatives in from Danville, Illinois, 148 00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:54,242 and they're real fans of your show 149 00:03:54,275 --> 00:03:56,044 and I was wondering if you can get me a couple of tickets 150 00:03:56,077 --> 00:03:57,011 for next week's show. 151 00:03:57,045 --> 00:03:58,112 Oh, yeah, no problem at all. 152 00:03:58,146 --> 00:04:00,515 Hey, I think I've got a couple here in my billfold. 153 00:04:00,548 --> 00:04:01,749 Yes, I have. There you are. 154 00:04:01,783 --> 00:04:03,117 Well, that's awful nice of you. 155 00:04:03,151 --> 00:04:04,519 Well, it's a pleasure to give an officer 156 00:04:04,552 --> 00:04:06,220 a ticket for a change. 157 00:04:06,254 --> 00:04:08,790 ( LAUGHING ) 158 00:04:08,823 --> 00:04:09,757 It's a good thing 159 00:04:09,791 --> 00:04:11,659 you don't have any tickets for tonight's show. 160 00:04:11,693 --> 00:04:12,760 If he saw that, he would have locked up the cast 161 00:04:12,794 --> 00:04:14,662 and confiscated the cameras. 162 00:04:14,696 --> 00:04:15,663 Well, I guess show business 163 00:04:15,697 --> 00:04:16,597 is like everything else, 164 00:04:16,631 --> 00:04:18,733 you can't come up with a winner every week. 165 00:04:18,766 --> 00:04:19,567 Look, it just so happens 166 00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:21,369 we had a pretty good show tonight. 167 00:04:21,402 --> 00:04:22,370 Hey, now wait a minute, Rob. 168 00:04:22,403 --> 00:04:24,672 You know, you can get arrested for perjury. 169 00:04:24,706 --> 00:04:26,407 MILLIE: Officer, don't listen to him. 170 00:04:26,441 --> 00:04:27,809 It was a very nice show. 171 00:04:27,842 --> 00:04:29,777 Laura and I loved it, didn't we, Laura? 172 00:04:29,811 --> 00:04:30,611 Yes. 173 00:04:30,645 --> 00:04:31,646 Oh, honey, Officer Bain here knows 174 00:04:31,679 --> 00:04:33,715 that a wife can't testify against her husband. 175 00:04:33,748 --> 00:04:35,516 No, but I can testify 176 00:04:35,550 --> 00:04:38,419 that Dr. Helper sat through the whole show and laughed. 177 00:04:38,453 --> 00:04:39,787 That's right, Officer. I'd like to report that. 178 00:04:39,821 --> 00:04:42,056 They held me captive in their living room 179 00:04:42,090 --> 00:04:43,725 and made me watch a bad TV show. 180 00:04:43,758 --> 00:04:45,293 Now, is that considered a crime? 181 00:04:45,326 --> 00:04:46,160 ( LAUGHING ) I'm afraid not. 182 00:04:46,194 --> 00:04:47,495 There aren't any laws to protect us 183 00:04:47,528 --> 00:04:49,764 against bad TV shows yet. 184 00:04:49,797 --> 00:04:50,665 So you're safe. 185 00:04:50,698 --> 00:04:52,133 Thank you. 186 00:04:55,336 --> 00:04:56,604 Well, thanks for the tickets, Mr. Petrie. 187 00:04:56,637 --> 00:05:00,341 And I hope you come up with a good one next week. 188 00:05:00,375 --> 00:05:02,043 Goodnight. 189 00:05:03,177 --> 00:05:04,545 That's a smart Officer, huh? 190 00:05:04,579 --> 00:05:06,681 And a good personality. 191 00:05:06,714 --> 00:05:08,149 Jerry, do you know something? 192 00:05:08,182 --> 00:05:09,484 Darling, would you serve the coffee, please? 193 00:05:09,517 --> 00:05:10,418 Yes, dear. 194 00:05:10,451 --> 00:05:12,754 I don't think Jerry deserves any coffee. 195 00:05:12,787 --> 00:05:15,123 Oh, come on, honey. Just because I speak the truth? 196 00:05:15,156 --> 00:05:17,158 You speak just to annoy. 197 00:05:17,191 --> 00:05:18,793 ROB: Millie, would you pass that to Laura? 198 00:05:18,826 --> 00:05:19,827 I keep telling him, 199 00:05:19,861 --> 00:05:22,397 someday someone's not gonna know he's kidding. 200 00:05:22,430 --> 00:05:23,464 ROB: Millie. 201 00:05:23,498 --> 00:05:24,332 Thank you. 202 00:05:24,365 --> 00:05:25,867 Coffee, Jerry? Oh, yeah, you bet. 203 00:05:25,900 --> 00:05:28,336 If I were Rob, I'd pour that coffee right on his head. 204 00:05:28,369 --> 00:05:29,670 Hey, now listen, don't give him any ideas. 205 00:05:29,704 --> 00:05:32,573 Oww! 206 00:05:32,607 --> 00:05:33,741 I'm sorry. you moved your cup and I-- 207 00:05:33,775 --> 00:05:35,109 It's all right, Rob. 208 00:05:35,143 --> 00:05:36,144 It's all right. Just sit down. 209 00:05:36,177 --> 00:05:37,211 I'm sorry. 210 00:05:37,245 --> 00:05:38,546 It's all right. This won't help you, believe me. 211 00:05:38,579 --> 00:05:39,614 Won't help what? 212 00:05:39,647 --> 00:05:42,650 Pouring hot coffee on me will not silence my tongue. 213 00:05:42,683 --> 00:05:44,419 The world will still hear my message, 214 00:05:44,452 --> 00:05:47,255 "The Alan Brady Show" was rotten. 215 00:05:47,288 --> 00:05:49,490 Have a little sugar, dear. 216 00:05:55,496 --> 00:05:57,832 "The Dick Van Dyke Show." 217 00:05:57,865 --> 00:06:00,868 ( THEME MUSIC ) 219 00:06:21,069 --> 00:06:23,404 Ritchie, that's enough sugar. 220 00:06:23,438 --> 00:06:24,739 I only used two. 221 00:06:24,772 --> 00:06:26,841 I always use three spoons. 222 00:06:26,874 --> 00:06:28,443 Two teaspoons full, dear. 223 00:06:28,476 --> 00:06:29,944 That was a tablespoon. 224 00:06:29,978 --> 00:06:31,779 Is there more sugar in a tablespoon 225 00:06:31,813 --> 00:06:33,748 than there is in a teaspoon? 226 00:06:33,781 --> 00:06:35,283 Ritchie, you knew that, didn't you? 227 00:06:35,316 --> 00:06:37,952 Yes, but I didn't know you knew it. 228 00:06:39,253 --> 00:06:40,822 Well, I do. 229 00:06:40,855 --> 00:06:43,091 RITCHIE: We just learned it in school. 230 00:06:43,124 --> 00:06:44,192 Oh, come in, Freddie. 231 00:06:44,225 --> 00:06:45,226 How are you, dear? 232 00:06:45,259 --> 00:06:46,728 Fine. Are you ready, Ritchie? 233 00:06:46,761 --> 00:06:48,162 My Mommy's is driving us today. 234 00:06:48,196 --> 00:06:49,297 He'll be ready in a minute, dear. 235 00:06:49,330 --> 00:06:50,365 He's just finishing his cereal. 236 00:06:50,398 --> 00:06:51,299 Would you like some? 237 00:06:51,332 --> 00:06:52,433 Hot. Hot or cold? 238 00:06:52,467 --> 00:06:53,768 Okay, I had cold. 239 00:06:56,070 --> 00:06:56,537 Here we go. 240 00:06:56,571 --> 00:06:57,372 You can have mine. 241 00:06:57,405 --> 00:06:59,340 I've just fixed it. There you go. 242 00:06:59,374 --> 00:07:01,376 Ritchie, you put sugar in yours. 243 00:07:01,409 --> 00:07:03,044 Oh, yeah, I forgot. 244 00:07:05,279 --> 00:07:07,348 Did you see "The Alan Brady Show" last night? 245 00:07:07,382 --> 00:07:10,184 Yeah, mommy lets me stay up and watch it. 246 00:07:10,218 --> 00:07:13,121 It was a rotten show, wasn't it? 247 00:07:13,154 --> 00:07:14,088 Good morning, everybody. 248 00:07:14,122 --> 00:07:15,023 Good morning, honey. 249 00:07:15,056 --> 00:07:17,458 Mommy, was daddy's show rotten last night? 250 00:07:18,860 --> 00:07:20,294 It was very good. 251 00:07:20,328 --> 00:07:21,863 It was very good. 252 00:07:21,896 --> 00:07:22,864 Why'd you ask your momma? 253 00:07:22,897 --> 00:07:24,332 Didn't you see it? 254 00:07:24,365 --> 00:07:25,299 It's too old for me. 255 00:07:25,333 --> 00:07:27,201 I don't understand it. 256 00:07:27,235 --> 00:07:30,304 Well, it was a rotten show. 257 00:07:30,338 --> 00:07:32,840 Ha, ha, Freddie, ha, ha. 258 00:07:32,874 --> 00:07:34,375 Well, why do you say it was a rotten show? 259 00:07:34,409 --> 00:07:35,276 Didn't you like it? 260 00:07:35,309 --> 00:07:37,178 I didn't see it. 261 00:07:37,211 --> 00:07:38,479 Well, Freddie, if you didn't see it, 262 00:07:38,513 --> 00:07:40,048 how do you know that it was a rotten show? 263 00:07:40,081 --> 00:07:41,482 My daddy told me. 264 00:07:41,516 --> 00:07:43,518 Ha, ha, I thought so. 265 00:07:43,551 --> 00:07:45,453 His daddy told him. 266 00:07:46,421 --> 00:07:47,321 How do you like that? 267 00:07:47,355 --> 00:07:49,257 He's not only a dentist, now he's a critic. 268 00:07:49,290 --> 00:07:50,992 Oh, Rob. don't let it upset you. 269 00:07:51,025 --> 00:07:53,061 It's just Jerry's idea of a practical joke. 270 00:07:53,094 --> 00:07:54,195 Well, that's some practical joke, 271 00:07:54,228 --> 00:07:55,196 going around yelling 272 00:07:55,229 --> 00:07:56,998 "The Alan Brady Show" last night was rotten. 273 00:07:57,031 --> 00:07:58,833 You see, your daddy thought it was rotten too. 274 00:08:01,202 --> 00:08:02,804 I did not. I thought it was a great show 275 00:08:02,837 --> 00:08:04,839 and you can tell your father I said so too. 276 00:08:04,872 --> 00:08:06,874 I'll tell him, I'll tell him! 277 00:08:06,908 --> 00:08:08,376 Rob, you scared him. 278 00:08:08,409 --> 00:08:10,244 Oh, uh, Freddie! 279 00:08:10,278 --> 00:08:12,046 Well, honey, I didn't mean to scare him. 280 00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:13,114 Ritchie, where are you going? 281 00:08:13,147 --> 00:08:14,782 You didn't finish your cereal. 282 00:08:14,816 --> 00:08:16,818 It was too sweet. 283 00:08:18,119 --> 00:08:19,187 Well, it's late anyway. 284 00:08:19,220 --> 00:08:21,022 Be sure and drink your milk when you get to school. 285 00:08:21,055 --> 00:08:21,889 Okay. 286 00:08:21,923 --> 00:08:23,991 Daddy, if anybody asks me at school, 287 00:08:24,025 --> 00:08:26,994 should I tell them the show was good or rotten? 288 00:08:27,028 --> 00:08:27,862 You tell 'em it was good. 289 00:08:27,895 --> 00:08:29,897 Okay. 290 00:08:29,931 --> 00:08:32,133 No, wait a minute, tell 'em it was great. 291 00:08:32,166 --> 00:08:33,501 Bye, sweetie. 292 00:08:34,235 --> 00:08:36,304 How do you like that, my own flesh and blood. 293 00:08:36,337 --> 00:08:37,338 Oh, darling. 294 00:08:37,371 --> 00:08:38,072 VINNY: Good morning. 295 00:08:38,106 --> 00:08:39,173 Good morning, Vinny. Come on in. 296 00:08:39,207 --> 00:08:40,274 Thank you. 297 00:08:40,308 --> 00:08:44,078 Well, we got a special this week on cottage cheese 298 00:08:44,112 --> 00:08:46,047 and I thought you'd want to take advantage of it. 299 00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:47,048 LAURA: Good, I will. 300 00:08:47,081 --> 00:08:47,715 VINNY: Yeah. 301 00:08:47,749 --> 00:08:48,382 Hey, hiya there, Mr. Petrie. 302 00:08:48,416 --> 00:08:49,584 Fine. fine. 303 00:08:49,617 --> 00:08:50,384 How are you, Vinny? 304 00:08:50,418 --> 00:08:53,421 Oh, okay. How's the show going? 305 00:08:53,454 --> 00:08:55,056 Okay, I guess. 306 00:08:55,089 --> 00:08:57,825 Yeah, I guess it must be kind of hard, huh? 307 00:08:57,859 --> 00:09:00,461 Every week to put on a good show? 308 00:09:00,495 --> 00:09:01,863 It's kind of hit and miss, isn't it? 309 00:09:01,896 --> 00:09:03,464 Yeah, I guess so. 310 00:09:03,498 --> 00:09:05,500 Yeah. Tell me, Mr. Petrie, 311 00:09:05,533 --> 00:09:08,169 how does a big star like Alan Brady take it 312 00:09:08,202 --> 00:09:10,071 when he has a bad one like last night? 313 00:09:12,907 --> 00:09:14,609 What do you mean, a bad one like last night? 314 00:09:14,642 --> 00:09:15,710 Well, you know, when you have a show 315 00:09:15,743 --> 00:09:19,013 that the televiewing public don't think is so good. 316 00:09:19,046 --> 00:09:21,015 Well, Vinny, didn't you like the show last night? 317 00:09:21,048 --> 00:09:22,216 Oh, you can't go by me. 318 00:09:22,250 --> 00:09:23,317 That wouldn't be fair. 319 00:09:23,351 --> 00:09:24,285 Why not? 320 00:09:24,318 --> 00:09:26,254 'Cause I didn't see it. 321 00:09:26,287 --> 00:09:29,223 No, you see, I play pinochle with my brothers on sunday. 322 00:09:29,257 --> 00:09:30,892 Vinny, if you didn't see the show, 323 00:09:30,925 --> 00:09:32,527 how can you say it wasn't good? 324 00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:35,396 Well, you know, you hear things, word of mouth. 325 00:09:35,429 --> 00:09:36,597 Word of mouth? 326 00:09:36,631 --> 00:09:38,466 Yeah, my customers tell me. 327 00:09:38,499 --> 00:09:39,567 Oh, I see. 328 00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:40,802 Yeah, well, actually, 329 00:09:40,835 --> 00:09:43,404 the one and only word of mouth I've had so far on this show 330 00:09:43,437 --> 00:09:45,907 was from your neighbor, you know, the dentist. 331 00:09:45,940 --> 00:09:47,441 Dr. Jerry Helper. 332 00:09:47,475 --> 00:09:49,477 Yeah, ha, ha, ha, ha. 333 00:09:49,510 --> 00:09:53,447 Oh boy, that show last night must have been some catastrophe 334 00:09:53,481 --> 00:09:56,117 when your own neighbor says it was rotten. 335 00:09:57,084 --> 00:09:59,053 Yeah, I'm glad I played cards. 336 00:09:59,086 --> 00:10:02,023 ( LAUGHING ) I'll tell you something, Vinny, ha, ha. 337 00:10:02,056 --> 00:10:03,324 That show last night was a great show 338 00:10:03,357 --> 00:10:06,661 and you can use that for your word of mouth. 339 00:10:06,694 --> 00:10:08,095 All right, all right. 340 00:10:08,129 --> 00:10:09,230 Oh, I'm sorry, Vinny. 341 00:10:09,263 --> 00:10:09,997 I didn't mean to shout at you. 342 00:10:10,031 --> 00:10:11,132 Oh, that's all right, Mr. Petrie. 343 00:10:11,165 --> 00:10:14,368 Dr. Helper said you'd be kind of touchy after a bad show. 344 00:10:16,237 --> 00:10:17,972 There you are. Well, see you wednesday. 345 00:10:18,005 --> 00:10:18,472 Bye, bye. 346 00:10:18,506 --> 00:10:19,941 Bye. 347 00:10:21,642 --> 00:10:23,344 Now, Jerry is going a little bit too far. 348 00:10:23,377 --> 00:10:24,946 He's spreading it all over the neighborhood. 349 00:10:24,979 --> 00:10:27,081 Rob, don't let it upset you. 350 00:10:27,114 --> 00:10:28,482 You know it was a good show. 351 00:10:28,516 --> 00:10:29,650 That's what upsets me. 352 00:10:29,684 --> 00:10:30,718 We had a good show, 353 00:10:30,751 --> 00:10:31,986 and he's broadcasting to the whole neighborhood 354 00:10:32,019 --> 00:10:33,221 that we didn't. 355 00:10:33,254 --> 00:10:34,088 You tell a lie often enough 356 00:10:34,121 --> 00:10:36,257 and it begins to sound like the truth. 357 00:10:36,290 --> 00:10:37,658 Next thing you know, I'll be out of a job. 358 00:10:37,692 --> 00:10:39,260 Oh, Rob. ( DOORBELL RINGS ) 359 00:10:39,293 --> 00:10:40,394 I'll get it. 360 00:10:43,631 --> 00:10:47,068 ( ROB MUTTERING ) 361 00:10:48,169 --> 00:10:49,203 yes? 362 00:10:49,237 --> 00:10:51,038 Singing message for robert petrie. 363 00:10:51,072 --> 00:10:53,574 Singing mess-- well, I'm Robert Petrie. 364 00:10:53,608 --> 00:10:56,077 ~ Robert Petrie wrote a show ~ 365 00:10:56,110 --> 00:10:58,312 ~ Supposed to be funny ho ho ho ~ 366 00:10:58,346 --> 00:11:00,948 ~ Look how far this man has gotten ~ 367 00:11:00,982 --> 00:11:03,618 ~ Writing shows that are really rotten ~ 368 00:11:09,423 --> 00:11:11,459 Signed, The Phantom Neighbor. 369 00:11:13,394 --> 00:11:14,395 Thank you. 370 00:11:14,428 --> 00:11:15,429 There's more. 371 00:11:15,463 --> 00:11:16,230 Oh, there is? 372 00:11:16,264 --> 00:11:18,666 ~ I'm only kidding. 373 00:11:21,502 --> 00:11:22,336 Thank you very much. 374 00:11:22,370 --> 00:11:23,638 Get outta here. 375 00:11:26,741 --> 00:11:28,509 I heard. 376 00:11:35,616 --> 00:11:36,584 Hi, dear. 377 00:11:36,617 --> 00:11:39,086 Hi. 378 00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:41,188 Did daddy come home yet, mommy? 379 00:11:41,222 --> 00:11:43,090 No, he'll be home any minute now. 380 00:11:43,124 --> 00:11:45,092 Dr. Helper just came home. 381 00:11:45,126 --> 00:11:46,260 That's nice. 382 00:11:46,294 --> 00:11:49,096 He's got a bandage on the tip of his nose. 383 00:11:49,130 --> 00:11:50,531 Oh? That's nice. 384 00:11:50,564 --> 00:11:53,634 Like this, Mommy. 385 00:11:53,668 --> 00:11:55,636 Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that. 386 00:11:55,670 --> 00:11:57,271 What happened? 387 00:11:57,305 --> 00:11:58,773 He got a punch in the nose. 388 00:11:58,806 --> 00:12:01,409 Somebody punched Jerry Helper in the nose? 389 00:12:01,442 --> 00:12:02,543 Daddy did. 390 00:12:05,646 --> 00:12:06,514 Who? 391 00:12:06,547 --> 00:12:07,682 Daddy. 392 00:12:07,715 --> 00:12:09,150 Who told you that? 393 00:12:09,183 --> 00:12:11,118 Dr. Helper. 394 00:12:11,152 --> 00:12:12,320 Honey, are you sure he said 395 00:12:12,353 --> 00:12:14,221 Daddy punched him in the nose? 396 00:12:14,255 --> 00:12:15,556 No, he said "Robert Petrie" 397 00:12:15,589 --> 00:12:18,459 but that's Daddy, isn't it? 398 00:12:18,492 --> 00:12:20,127 Yes, that's Daddy. 399 00:12:20,161 --> 00:12:21,629 ROB: Hi, folks. 400 00:12:21,662 --> 00:12:23,230 Hi, Daddy. 401 00:12:23,264 --> 00:12:25,066 Hi, Ritch. 402 00:12:25,099 --> 00:12:26,634 Hey, what happened to you? 403 00:12:26,667 --> 00:12:29,637 I'm playing broken nose. 404 00:12:29,670 --> 00:12:31,639 Did you punch Dr. Helper in the nose? 405 00:12:31,672 --> 00:12:32,773 What? 406 00:12:32,807 --> 00:12:34,342 Well, who said that, Ritch? 407 00:12:34,375 --> 00:12:36,177 Uh, Ritchie, I think it's time for bed, dear. 408 00:12:36,210 --> 00:12:37,478 Go get your pajamas on. 409 00:12:37,511 --> 00:12:38,379 But I want to hear 410 00:12:38,412 --> 00:12:40,781 how Daddy punched Dr. Helper in the nose. 411 00:12:40,815 --> 00:12:42,750 Well, Daddy didn't punch Dr. Helper 412 00:12:42,783 --> 00:12:44,552 in the nose, did you, Daddy? 413 00:12:44,585 --> 00:12:46,120 No, I didn't, Ritch. 414 00:12:46,153 --> 00:12:47,188 He said you did. 415 00:12:47,221 --> 00:12:48,589 Well, he was only joking. 416 00:12:48,622 --> 00:12:49,523 Wasn't he, Daddy? 417 00:12:49,557 --> 00:12:52,226 That's right. Dr. Helper's a big joker. 418 00:12:52,259 --> 00:12:53,694 You go get your pajamas on, Ritch. 419 00:12:53,728 --> 00:12:55,463 Okay. 420 00:12:55,496 --> 00:12:56,764 Did you bring me anything? 421 00:12:56,797 --> 00:12:58,299 Oh, no. 422 00:12:58,332 --> 00:13:00,568 Wait a minute, here's a paper clip. 423 00:13:02,403 --> 00:13:04,605 Yay! 424 00:13:04,638 --> 00:13:06,073 Love that "yay." 425 00:13:06,107 --> 00:13:07,775 He's a cute one, all right, isn't he? 426 00:13:07,808 --> 00:13:09,110 Rob? 427 00:13:09,143 --> 00:13:11,178 I didn't punch him in the nose. 428 00:13:11,212 --> 00:13:13,280 Then why did he say you did? 429 00:13:13,314 --> 00:13:15,783 Did he say I punched him in the nose? 430 00:13:15,816 --> 00:13:17,118 According to Ritchie. 431 00:13:17,151 --> 00:13:18,119 Well, I didn't. 432 00:13:18,152 --> 00:13:19,720 You didn't? No. 433 00:13:19,754 --> 00:13:22,757 I was sort of, like, hit him in the nose. 434 00:13:22,790 --> 00:13:24,158 What's for dinner, honey? 435 00:13:24,191 --> 00:13:25,559 What's the difference? 436 00:13:25,593 --> 00:13:27,328 Rob, you didn't hit him? 437 00:13:27,361 --> 00:13:29,296 Yup, accidentally. 438 00:13:29,330 --> 00:13:32,666 Not that he didn't deserve a shot. 439 00:13:32,700 --> 00:13:34,502 Boy, he sure had it coming to him. 440 00:13:34,535 --> 00:13:35,469 Well, what happened? 441 00:13:35,503 --> 00:13:38,139 Well, he called me to have lunch with him today 442 00:13:38,172 --> 00:13:39,640 and I wanted to talk to him. 443 00:13:39,673 --> 00:13:41,475 And we went to this restaurant. 444 00:13:41,509 --> 00:13:42,510 You hit him in the restaurant? 445 00:13:42,543 --> 00:13:44,378 Yeah. Accidentally, 446 00:13:44,412 --> 00:13:46,547 and I must say I kind of enjoyed the experience. 447 00:13:48,282 --> 00:13:49,450 What happened? 448 00:13:49,483 --> 00:13:51,218 Well, this waitress that I know there 449 00:13:51,252 --> 00:13:52,319 came over to the table 450 00:13:52,353 --> 00:13:53,554 and said she saw the show last night 451 00:13:53,587 --> 00:13:55,523 and she thought it was excellent. 452 00:13:55,556 --> 00:13:57,491 And that's when old Jerry went to work. 453 00:13:57,525 --> 00:13:58,826 What did he do? 454 00:13:58,859 --> 00:14:00,628 He started playing district attorney. 455 00:14:00,661 --> 00:14:02,129 He took the plates out of her hand, 456 00:14:02,163 --> 00:14:03,264 put 'em on the table, 457 00:14:03,297 --> 00:14:06,233 sat her down and cross-examined her. 458 00:14:06,267 --> 00:14:08,436 He said, "Well, young lady, tell me, 459 00:14:08,469 --> 00:14:10,438 you say you thought 'The Alan Brady Show' last night 460 00:14:10,471 --> 00:14:11,739 was magnificent. 461 00:14:11,772 --> 00:14:12,573 I see. 462 00:14:12,606 --> 00:14:15,276 Now tell me, did you see 'Ben-Hur'? 463 00:14:15,309 --> 00:14:16,077 Uh-huh? You did? 464 00:14:16,110 --> 00:14:17,745 What did you think of 'Ben-Hur'? 465 00:14:17,778 --> 00:14:19,346 Oh, magnificent, you say? 466 00:14:19,380 --> 00:14:21,782 Would you say that 'The Alan Brady Show' 467 00:14:21,816 --> 00:14:23,584 is as good as 'Ben-Hur'? 468 00:14:24,952 --> 00:14:25,953 Oh, no? 469 00:14:25,986 --> 00:14:27,888 Well, would you say that 'The Alan Brady Show' 470 00:14:27,922 --> 00:14:29,690 was half as good as 'Ben-Hur'? 471 00:14:29,723 --> 00:14:31,292 Oh no? 472 00:14:31,325 --> 00:14:32,493 One quarter as good? 473 00:14:32,526 --> 00:14:34,261 No? One eighth as good? 474 00:14:34,295 --> 00:14:36,197 Ah-hah, one eighth, you say. 475 00:14:36,230 --> 00:14:39,500 Then I contend that one eighth of magnificent is rotten." 476 00:14:41,902 --> 00:14:43,537 He didn't. Oh, he did. 477 00:14:43,571 --> 00:14:44,538 That's when you hit him? 478 00:14:44,572 --> 00:14:45,706 That's when I wanted to hit him. 479 00:14:45,739 --> 00:14:46,740 Boy, I'll tell you something. 480 00:14:46,774 --> 00:14:48,509 I was mad enough to. 481 00:14:48,542 --> 00:14:50,478 Honey, you know, there must have been 175 people 482 00:14:50,511 --> 00:14:51,879 in that restaurant that heard him say 483 00:14:51,912 --> 00:14:53,647 that "The Alan Brady Show" was rotten? 484 00:14:53,681 --> 00:14:55,516 Well, how did you accidentally hit him? 485 00:14:55,549 --> 00:14:57,918 Well, I was sitting down, he was standing up 486 00:14:57,952 --> 00:14:58,686 and I wanted to get him out of there. 487 00:14:58,719 --> 00:14:59,753 We hadn't even finished eating yet. 488 00:14:59,787 --> 00:15:02,790 I called the waitress over, I said, "Check, please." 489 00:15:02,823 --> 00:15:03,524 Aghh! 490 00:15:03,557 --> 00:15:04,258 Oh, honey. 491 00:15:04,291 --> 00:15:05,259 I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. 492 00:15:05,292 --> 00:15:06,260 What did I do? 493 00:15:06,293 --> 00:15:07,862 Oh no, oh, my nose. 494 00:15:07,895 --> 00:15:08,896 What's happened? 495 00:15:08,929 --> 00:15:10,664 Daddy shot Mommy in the nose. 496 00:15:10,698 --> 00:15:12,333 He did? 497 00:15:12,366 --> 00:15:14,368 Rob, how could you? 498 00:15:14,401 --> 00:15:15,536 It was an accident, Millie. 499 00:15:15,569 --> 00:15:16,837 Are you sure? 500 00:15:16,871 --> 00:15:18,572 No, I did it on purpose. 501 00:15:18,606 --> 00:15:19,940 Mommy, Mommy! 502 00:15:19,974 --> 00:15:21,709 Ritchie, go to bed. 503 00:15:21,742 --> 00:15:23,811 Laura, are you all right? 504 00:15:23,844 --> 00:15:26,380 Yes, I'm fine, Millie. Just leave me alone. 505 00:15:26,413 --> 00:15:27,948 Daddy, why did you hit Mommy? 506 00:15:27,982 --> 00:15:29,783 Go to bed! 507 00:15:29,817 --> 00:15:32,486 Okay, okay, I'm going to bed. 508 00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:35,623 No, Millie, I meant him, not-- 509 00:15:35,656 --> 00:15:36,657 She's gonna go to bed! 510 00:15:37,925 --> 00:15:40,227 Honey, let me see. 511 00:15:42,329 --> 00:15:44,465 You've got to get over there, Jerry. 512 00:15:44,498 --> 00:15:45,866 Honey, I don't like to interfere 513 00:15:45,900 --> 00:15:48,269 in other people's little marital spats. 514 00:15:48,302 --> 00:15:50,571 It's not any little marital spat. 515 00:15:50,604 --> 00:15:52,540 He punched her in the nose. 516 00:15:52,573 --> 00:15:54,375 She was crying and he was shouting 517 00:15:54,408 --> 00:15:56,277 and the whole family looked wild. 518 00:15:56,310 --> 00:15:58,546 Why, even Ritchie had a bandage on his nose. 519 00:15:58,579 --> 00:15:59,980 Oh, now, come on, Millie. 520 00:16:00,014 --> 00:16:00,915 Use your head. 521 00:16:00,948 --> 00:16:02,850 Rob wouldn't punch his wife in the nose. 522 00:16:02,883 --> 00:16:04,685 Well, he punched you in the nose, didn't he? 523 00:16:04,718 --> 00:16:05,686 Well, that's different, 524 00:16:05,719 --> 00:16:07,555 I was kidding him about his television show. 525 00:16:07,588 --> 00:16:08,355 When are you gonna learn 526 00:16:08,389 --> 00:16:10,658 that kidding and teasing aren't fun? 527 00:16:10,691 --> 00:16:11,992 Well, it is fun. I like it. 528 00:16:12,026 --> 00:16:13,928 Well, you're the only one. 529 00:16:13,961 --> 00:16:15,796 Now get over there and do something. 530 00:16:15,829 --> 00:16:16,730 What'll I do? 531 00:16:16,764 --> 00:16:19,400 Keep Rob from doing any more violence today. 532 00:16:19,433 --> 00:16:21,535 Rob didn't do any violence. 533 00:16:21,569 --> 00:16:23,437 Hitting you in the nose is violence. 534 00:16:23,470 --> 00:16:24,772 Well, that was an accident. 535 00:16:24,805 --> 00:16:26,407 An accident? 536 00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:29,677 You told me he punched you in the nose on purpose. 537 00:16:29,710 --> 00:16:30,811 Did I say that? 538 00:16:30,844 --> 00:16:31,946 MILLIE: Yes, you did. 539 00:16:31,979 --> 00:16:36,350 Well, I was only kidding, you know me. 540 00:16:36,383 --> 00:16:37,551 Now, look, honey, this is the truth 541 00:16:37,585 --> 00:16:38,819 and I'm not kidding. 542 00:16:38,852 --> 00:16:40,421 Rob did punch me in the restaurant 543 00:16:40,454 --> 00:16:41,889 but it was an accident. 544 00:16:41,922 --> 00:16:42,756 Well, I don't believe you. 545 00:16:42,790 --> 00:16:45,893 Two accidents in one day is no accident. 546 00:16:45,926 --> 00:16:46,694 Now, you're a doctor. 547 00:16:46,727 --> 00:16:48,662 Get over there and do something. 548 00:16:48,696 --> 00:16:50,397 I think Rob is sick. 549 00:16:50,431 --> 00:16:52,800 Honey, I'm a dentist, not a psychiatrist. 550 00:16:52,833 --> 00:16:54,368 Well, never mind, 551 00:16:54,401 --> 00:16:56,670 just get over there before he hurts Laura again. 552 00:16:56,704 --> 00:16:57,671 All right. 553 00:16:57,705 --> 00:17:00,074 Boy, you women, you sure like to over-dramatize. 554 00:17:00,107 --> 00:17:02,810 Oh-oh, my nose, my nose. 555 00:17:02,843 --> 00:17:04,011 What happened? 556 00:17:04,044 --> 00:17:05,779 Only kidding. 557 00:17:05,813 --> 00:17:07,481 Get out! 558 00:17:09,717 --> 00:17:12,886 Oh, boy, I should have married Sam Weinstreiber. 559 00:17:14,955 --> 00:17:16,724 Who's Sam Weinstreiber? 560 00:17:16,757 --> 00:17:18,993 Out! Only kidding. 561 00:17:24,465 --> 00:17:26,734 There we are. 562 00:17:26,767 --> 00:17:28,602 Honey, how's that feel? 563 00:17:28,636 --> 00:17:29,970 It feels fine. 564 00:17:30,004 --> 00:17:31,939 Rob, I don't need a bandage this big, 565 00:17:31,972 --> 00:17:33,374 it was only a scratch. 566 00:17:33,407 --> 00:17:34,908 Yeah, it is kind of big. 567 00:17:34,942 --> 00:17:36,844 Well, keep it on, honey, 'til I make you a smaller one. 568 00:17:38,445 --> 00:17:39,480 While you're at it, 569 00:17:39,513 --> 00:17:41,882 trim that fingernail of yours. It's a lethal weapon. 570 00:17:41,915 --> 00:17:44,351 Yeah, I will, honey. I'm sorry. 571 00:17:44,385 --> 00:17:46,553 Hey, am I forgiven? 572 00:17:46,587 --> 00:17:47,755 Oh, sure. 573 00:17:47,788 --> 00:17:49,089 ( DOORBELL RINGS ) 574 00:17:49,123 --> 00:17:50,391 I'll trim it right now. I'll get it, honey. 575 00:17:54,128 --> 00:17:55,829 Ow, ow, ow. 576 00:17:55,863 --> 00:17:57,598 Darn, darn, darn it. 577 00:18:03,570 --> 00:18:04,538 What do you want? 578 00:18:04,571 --> 00:18:05,873 Nothing, i-- 579 00:18:05,906 --> 00:18:07,007 what are you doing with those scissors? 580 00:18:07,041 --> 00:18:08,676 What am I doing with those scissors? 581 00:18:08,709 --> 00:18:10,377 I was planning on cutting my throat with them, 582 00:18:10,411 --> 00:18:11,578 that's what. 583 00:18:12,713 --> 00:18:13,947 Ow! 584 00:18:16,116 --> 00:18:17,818 Agh, agh! 585 00:18:24,091 --> 00:18:25,159 Rob, just take it easy. 586 00:18:25,192 --> 00:18:26,460 Take it easy. 587 00:18:26,493 --> 00:18:27,728 Laura, call the hospital. 588 00:18:27,761 --> 00:18:29,797 Get off my chest. 589 00:18:29,830 --> 00:18:30,597 What have you done? 590 00:18:30,631 --> 00:18:31,832 I'm doing what anybody would do. 591 00:18:31,865 --> 00:18:32,900 You'll be all right, boy. 592 00:18:32,933 --> 00:18:34,168 Rob, are you all right? 593 00:18:34,201 --> 00:18:37,071 There's a pressing pain on my chest. 594 00:18:38,472 --> 00:18:40,441 What's the pain feel like, boy? 595 00:18:40,474 --> 00:18:43,877 Feels like a 180-pound dentist sitting on it. 596 00:18:43,911 --> 00:18:44,578 That's all right. It's all right. 597 00:18:44,611 --> 00:18:46,046 Jerry, will you please get off? 598 00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:47,014 You'll be all right, you'll be all right. 599 00:18:47,047 --> 00:18:48,949 Take it easy. Settle down. Calm down, boy. 600 00:18:48,982 --> 00:18:50,651 You're just out of control tonight. 601 00:18:50,684 --> 00:18:52,152 Jerry, please, look, listen to the tone of my voice. 602 00:18:52,186 --> 00:18:52,886 Yes, I can hear it. 603 00:18:52,920 --> 00:18:54,154 I'm fine. I can hear you. 604 00:18:54,188 --> 00:18:55,155 I'm all right. Uh-huh. 605 00:18:55,189 --> 00:18:57,591 The only problem I have right now is respiratory. 606 00:18:59,126 --> 00:19:01,061 Now, will you please get off my lungs? 607 00:19:01,095 --> 00:19:02,663 Your lungs? 608 00:19:02,696 --> 00:19:04,431 Laura, will you tell him, I am all right? 609 00:19:04,465 --> 00:19:06,033 Jerry, he's perfectly all right. 610 00:19:06,066 --> 00:19:07,735 Well, what about your nose? 611 00:19:07,768 --> 00:19:09,970 I was merely demonstrating to her 612 00:19:10,003 --> 00:19:11,805 how I clipped you accidentally in the restaurant 613 00:19:11,839 --> 00:19:14,441 and I clipped her the same way. 614 00:19:14,475 --> 00:19:15,976 Well, I don't know. 615 00:19:16,009 --> 00:19:18,545 Outside the door I heard all this noise and cussing 616 00:19:18,579 --> 00:19:19,880 and I saw the scissors in your hand 617 00:19:19,913 --> 00:19:21,014 and then your nose, I don't-- 618 00:19:21,048 --> 00:19:22,850 LAURA: He tripped over a toy. 619 00:19:22,883 --> 00:19:23,817 Tripped over a toy? 620 00:19:23,851 --> 00:19:25,652 Oh my goodness, what happened? 621 00:19:25,686 --> 00:19:27,621 Nothing. Everything's fine. 622 00:19:27,654 --> 00:19:29,123 On your advice, I slugged my best friend 623 00:19:29,156 --> 00:19:30,657 and practically demolished him. 624 00:19:30,691 --> 00:19:32,025 Don't shout at me, Jerry Helper. 625 00:19:32,059 --> 00:19:33,394 I didn't tell you to demolish him. 626 00:19:33,427 --> 00:19:37,097 I simply told you to-- You simply said for me to get over here... 627 00:19:37,131 --> 00:19:38,932 He flipped and I didn't know about her nose 628 00:19:38,966 --> 00:19:39,967 ( WHISTLES ) 629 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,236 What? 630 00:19:42,269 --> 00:19:43,537 Since last night, 631 00:19:43,570 --> 00:19:44,838 let's just look at what's happened. 632 00:19:44,872 --> 00:19:48,041 Ooh. 633 00:19:48,075 --> 00:19:50,210 You and your wife are screaming at one another. 634 00:19:50,244 --> 00:19:52,579 You and I are barely speaking. 635 00:19:52,613 --> 00:19:54,848 I have slugged my wife and my next door neighbor 636 00:19:54,882 --> 00:19:56,517 in their respective noses. 637 00:19:56,550 --> 00:19:58,819 I have received a very painful blow on the wrist, 638 00:19:58,852 --> 00:20:01,989 a possible fracture of this rib and my neck. 639 00:20:02,022 --> 00:20:04,725 Now, who do we have to blame for all of these disasters? 640 00:20:04,758 --> 00:20:05,192 ALL: Him. 641 00:20:05,225 --> 00:20:05,993 Me? 642 00:20:06,026 --> 00:20:06,660 Yes, you. 643 00:20:06,693 --> 00:20:07,427 Why? 644 00:20:07,461 --> 00:20:09,129 'Cause, Jerry, you just took-- 645 00:20:09,163 --> 00:20:10,864 because of your criticism of my show, that's why. 646 00:20:10,898 --> 00:20:12,032 How do you like that? 647 00:20:12,065 --> 00:20:13,967 He's blaming all this on me just because I kidded him 648 00:20:14,001 --> 00:20:15,836 about his television show being rotten. 649 00:20:15,869 --> 00:20:17,604 LAURA: Jerry, that television show 650 00:20:17,638 --> 00:20:19,840 happens to be Rob's livelihood. 651 00:20:19,873 --> 00:20:21,074 That's right. Nobody likes to be kidded 652 00:20:21,108 --> 00:20:22,576 about their work being rotten, Jerry. 653 00:20:22,609 --> 00:20:24,211 It isn't funny. 654 00:20:24,244 --> 00:20:25,345 How would you like it if I went around saying 655 00:20:25,379 --> 00:20:28,982 "Jerry Helper's gold fillings turned green in my mouth. 656 00:20:29,016 --> 00:20:30,117 He's a rotten dentist." 657 00:20:30,150 --> 00:20:31,285 Hey, be quiet, will you, the door's open. 658 00:20:31,318 --> 00:20:32,986 I got three patients on this block. 659 00:20:33,020 --> 00:20:34,121 I'm sorry. 660 00:20:34,154 --> 00:20:36,056 Yeah, gee. 661 00:20:36,089 --> 00:20:36,857 ROB: Hey, everybody, 662 00:20:36,890 --> 00:20:38,125 Jerry Helper is a rotten dentist. 663 00:20:38,158 --> 00:20:39,760 Cut it out. 664 00:20:41,728 --> 00:20:42,596 Is that funny? 665 00:20:42,629 --> 00:20:43,564 No, it's not. 666 00:20:43,597 --> 00:20:46,066 All right, then, Jerry, you see what I mean. 667 00:20:46,099 --> 00:20:48,869 Jerry, I'm gonna have to tell you this, 668 00:20:48,902 --> 00:20:50,871 you have been kidding me now for a lot of years 669 00:20:50,904 --> 00:20:52,039 and you've been getting away with it 670 00:20:52,072 --> 00:20:55,309 but I think you have about reached the point of no return. 671 00:20:55,342 --> 00:20:56,643 You're really mad at me, huh? 672 00:20:56,677 --> 00:20:57,711 Well, just put it this way, Jerry. 673 00:20:57,744 --> 00:20:59,079 I don't care if our kids play together, 674 00:20:59,112 --> 00:21:00,881 I don't care if our wives play together, 675 00:21:00,914 --> 00:21:02,583 but I don't think you and I are gonna play together 676 00:21:02,616 --> 00:21:05,786 unless you make an honest effort to stop the kidding. 677 00:21:07,154 --> 00:21:09,089 I've said it. 678 00:21:09,122 --> 00:21:11,625 I'm embarrassed about it but I said it. 679 00:21:13,327 --> 00:21:16,230 Gee, I feel awful. 680 00:21:16,263 --> 00:21:18,899 Well, you should. 681 00:21:18,932 --> 00:21:21,568 I don't know what to say. 682 00:21:21,602 --> 00:21:23,604 I guess you're all pretty sore at me, huh? 683 00:21:23,637 --> 00:21:25,639 MILLIE AND LAURA: Yes. 684 00:21:25,672 --> 00:21:28,976 Gee, I don't know what to say. 685 00:21:29,009 --> 00:21:31,612 Well, why don't you try telling the truth? 686 00:21:31,645 --> 00:21:32,746 Well. 687 00:21:32,779 --> 00:21:33,780 Come on, tell 'em 688 00:21:33,814 --> 00:21:36,049 what you really thought of last night's show. 689 00:21:38,085 --> 00:21:38,952 Well... 690 00:21:38,986 --> 00:21:41,221 Go on. 691 00:21:41,255 --> 00:21:43,657 Excellent. 692 00:21:43,690 --> 00:21:44,958 Now, that didn't hurt, did it? 693 00:21:44,992 --> 00:21:46,226 A little bit. 694 00:21:48,395 --> 00:21:49,897 Do you think you learned a lesson? 695 00:21:49,930 --> 00:21:52,065 Yeah, I think so. 696 00:21:52,099 --> 00:21:53,267 How about some coffee? 697 00:21:53,300 --> 00:21:55,369 Yeah, I think we all need some, honey. 698 00:21:55,402 --> 00:21:56,970 I'll help. Good. 699 00:22:04,811 --> 00:22:07,147 Hey, Rob. 700 00:22:07,180 --> 00:22:08,649 I want you to do me a favor. 701 00:22:08,682 --> 00:22:10,951 Uh, what? 702 00:22:10,984 --> 00:22:12,386 Give me a hit right on the arm. 703 00:22:12,419 --> 00:22:14,621 Give you a hit in--what for? 704 00:22:14,655 --> 00:22:16,390 You'll feel better and I'll feel better. 705 00:22:16,423 --> 00:22:18,258 Oh, that's silly, Jerry, that's childish. 706 00:22:18,292 --> 00:22:19,259 I'm not mad anymore. 707 00:22:19,293 --> 00:22:20,127 Oh, yeah, yes, you are. 708 00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:21,194 You hit me by accident this afternoon 709 00:22:21,228 --> 00:22:23,397 but you really wanted to hit me now, didn't you? 710 00:22:23,430 --> 00:22:24,398 I'll admit, 711 00:22:24,431 --> 00:22:25,265 I wanted to give you a little punch today but i-- 712 00:22:25,299 --> 00:22:27,401 yeah, see, see? The unconscious gesture? 713 00:22:27,434 --> 00:22:28,969 You really want to hit me. Go on, hit me. 714 00:22:29,002 --> 00:22:29,903 Jerry, I don't want to. 715 00:22:29,937 --> 00:22:30,904 Sure you do. 716 00:22:30,938 --> 00:22:33,140 Go on, look, we'll never really be friends again 717 00:22:33,173 --> 00:22:34,841 unless you get it out of your system. 718 00:22:34,875 --> 00:22:35,676 Come on. 719 00:22:35,709 --> 00:22:36,543 I'm not mad anymore, Jer. 720 00:22:36,577 --> 00:22:37,511 Please, Rob, will you? Please, do it. 721 00:22:37,544 --> 00:22:39,780 If not for your sake, then for mine, huh? 722 00:22:39,813 --> 00:22:40,914 I can't do it. 723 00:22:40,948 --> 00:22:41,748 The show was rotten. 724 00:22:41,782 --> 00:22:43,951 Agh! 725 00:22:43,984 --> 00:22:45,152 Do you feel better? Yeah. 726 00:22:45,185 --> 00:22:45,852 So do I. 727 00:22:45,886 --> 00:22:46,987 ( INDISTINCT ) 728 00:22:47,020 --> 00:22:48,188 Okay. 729 00:22:52,726 --> 00:22:54,027 Honey, would you bring the dessert in 730 00:22:54,061 --> 00:22:54,828 from the kitchen? 731 00:22:54,861 --> 00:22:55,963 Okay, honey. 732 00:22:59,032 --> 00:22:59,866 JERRY: Hey, Rob. 733 00:22:59,900 --> 00:23:01,668 Your shoelace is untied, you might trip. 734 00:23:02,469 --> 00:23:04,304 Oh, Jerry, doggone it. 735 00:23:04,338 --> 00:23:06,206 Ha, ha. caught you again. Just kidding. 736 00:23:06,239 --> 00:23:08,075 Jerry, won't you ever learn? 737 00:23:08,108 --> 00:23:08,709 Oh. 738 00:23:08,742 --> 00:23:09,977 I don't know if I were Rob, 739 00:23:10,010 --> 00:23:11,845 if I'd be so quick to forgive you. 740 00:23:11,878 --> 00:23:13,847 I've been telling him about his kidding 741 00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:15,048 and teasing for years, 742 00:23:15,082 --> 00:23:16,917 and he just can't control himself. 743 00:23:16,950 --> 00:23:17,718 Oh, now, come on, honey. 744 00:23:17,751 --> 00:23:18,418 I'm not that bad. 745 00:23:18,452 --> 00:23:19,419 Yes, you are. 746 00:23:19,453 --> 00:23:20,387 Oh, honey, listen. 747 00:23:20,420 --> 00:23:22,255 I know I went a little overboard with Rob 748 00:23:22,289 --> 00:23:23,924 but some teasing is fun. 749 00:23:23,957 --> 00:23:25,058 Don't you think so, Laura? 750 00:23:25,092 --> 00:23:27,394 Well, Jerry, I don't like being teased. 751 00:23:28,829 --> 00:23:30,197 Ah, here comes the dessert. 752 00:23:30,230 --> 00:23:31,465 Hey, Rob, now look out for that truck. 753 00:23:31,498 --> 00:23:32,399 You might trip. 754 00:23:32,432 --> 00:23:33,133 Don't kid me again, Jerry. 755 00:23:33,166 --> 00:23:34,134 JERRY: No, I'm not kidding you. 756 00:23:34,167 --> 00:23:36,103 There's a truck right-- watch the truck, whoo! 757 00:23:36,136 --> 00:23:39,172 ( LAUGHTER ) 758 00:23:52,085 --> 00:23:54,221 Didn't you see that truck there on the floor? 759 00:23:54,254 --> 00:23:56,456 No, I--oh. 760 00:23:56,490 --> 00:23:59,126 Yeah, you knew that truck was there. 761 00:23:59,159 --> 00:24:02,162 Well, Jerry, you'll never know, will you?51639

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