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Say, that's a marvelous dance team.
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( TOY RATTLES )
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Please, honey, I'm trying to watch.
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Did you write this dance, Daddy?
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No, dear.
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Daddy didn't write the dance,
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but he did write the show, and he wants to see it.
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ALAN BRADY: ( ON TV ) Well, that's our little contribution for this week.
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Now I'd like to bring out our guests for one last bow.
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Here they are.
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Did you write what Alan Brady just said?
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Uh, part of it, Ritch.
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ALAN BRADY: Now until next week,
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I'll leave you with this thought.
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It's better to smile one day than cry a whole year.
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Goodnight, all.
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Oh, that didn't work.
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ANNOUNCER: " The Alan Brady Show"
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Is a Jeff Greg Barb Lou Ben Ray Polly production.
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Where'd they get that name,
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"Jeff Greg Barb Lou Ben Ray Polly"?
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Well, Jeff and Greg are the kids.
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Barb is his wife.
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Ben is his lawyer.
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Ray is his brother, and Lou is his manager.
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Who's Polly?
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That's his bird.
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Okay, Ritch, say goodnight to everybody.
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Time for bed.
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Goodnight, Daddy.
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Goodnight, Ritch.
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JERRY: Goodnight, Ritchie.
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Goodnight.
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I'll just go tuck him in.
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It shouldn't take more than an hour.
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Honey, would you put that stool away?
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Oh, okay.
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Well, another week and another show.
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You know, except for that closing line,
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it wasn't a bad show tonight.
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I thought it was wonderful.
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You two enjoyed it, huh?
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Now do you want an honest opinion?
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ROB AND MILLIE: No!
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Why not?
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'Cause I don't know what's gonna come out of you tonight.
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Are you in one of your needling moods?
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No. An honest opinion
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doesn't mean I'm gonna say it was a lousy show.
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All right then, what did you think of it?
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It was rotten.
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Thank you very much, Jerry Helper.
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Don't pay any attention to him.
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He loves to tease.
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Ooh, someday.
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Laura, what did you think of the show?
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I thought it was very good.
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Oh now, there's a loyal wife.
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No, Jerry, it's not just loyalty.
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I happened to honestly enjoy Mr. Alan Brady tonight.
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Oh, Rob, straighten her out, will you?
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Look, Laura doesn't need somebody to tell her
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what's good and what's bad.
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But you even said it was a clinker.
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All I said was it wasn't a bad show.
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I said the last line was a clinker.
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Well, one closing clinker
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can make a whole show clank.
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I think maybe we ought to have some coffee
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before things get violent.
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We're not gonna get violent.
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No, two friends don't have to get violent
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just because they're gonna discuss the merits
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of a rotten television show.
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Just a minute, jerry.
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I don't know whether you're kidding or not.
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Oh, of course, he's kidding.
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You know Jerry.
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Yeah, I know Jerry,
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and I can never tell whether he's kidding or not.
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Oh, Rob, did you think I was serious?
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Well, I never know with you.
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You sounded serious.
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Well, I was.
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Jerry!
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JERRY: Okay, the truth.
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You want to know what I honestly thought
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of Rob's show tonight?
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Yeah, if it's an honest opinion.
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Well, it is.
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I'll bet.
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I thought it was very enjoyable
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and highly entertaining.
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Well, thank you.
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If you like junk.
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You're gonna get it.
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I mean it, you're gonna get it.
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Aw, everybody knows I'm kidding.
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Are you?
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No.
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Jerry!
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Aw, come on, honey.
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Rob knows it's just in fun.
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Jerry, that is just the point.
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Kidding is not fun.
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It can lead to serious repercussions.
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JERRY: Like what?
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Well, like, someday you're gonna pick on some guy,
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you're gonna get a bust right in the nose.
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Oh, come on, now, Rob.
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You're not gonna punch me in the nose.
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No, not me, I'm not the violent type.
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But you're gonna come up against some guy, some day,
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who doesn't know you're kidding.
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He's gonna haul up and hit you one.
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No, not me.
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When I see that punch coming, I'll say "kidding."
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Uh-huh. He'll say, "So what?" Pow!
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( DOORBELL RINGS )
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Ah, excuse me, I'll get that.
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Oh, that looks good.
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Yeah, I hope you like it.
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I thought it looked kind of good.
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It's frozen.
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Oh, hello, Officer Bain.
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Hello, Mrs. Petrie.
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Is Mr. Petrie in?
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He's here, officer.
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Give yourself up, Rob.
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Yes, sir, he wrote that show tonight.
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MILLIE: Stop that.
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Oh, thanks very much.
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Hi, Jack. Come on in.
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Mr. Petrie.
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You know our next door neighbors.
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Hello, Dr. Helper, Mrs. Helper.
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Now listen, Rob. Don't involve me.
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He came to arrest you.
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Dr. Helper! They're kidding.
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Officer, would you like some coffee?
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No, thank you.
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JERRY: Hey, there's a smart man,
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He's heard about your coffee.
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What can I do for you, Jack?
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Well, I'm sorry to bother you
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at home like this, Mr. Petrie,
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but I got a couple of relatives in from Danville, Illinois,
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and they're real fans of your show
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and I was wondering if you can get me a couple of tickets
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for next week's show.
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Oh, yeah, no problem at all.
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Hey, I think I've got a couple here in my billfold.
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Yes, I have. There you are.
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Well, that's awful nice of you.
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Well, it's a pleasure to give an officer
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a ticket for a change.
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( LAUGHING )
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It's a good thing
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you don't have any tickets for tonight's show.
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If he saw that, he would have locked up the cast
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and confiscated the cameras.
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Well, I guess show business
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is like everything else,
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you can't come up with a winner every week.
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Look, it just so happens
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we had a pretty good show tonight.
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Hey, now wait a minute, Rob.
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You know, you can get arrested for perjury.
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MILLIE: Officer, don't listen to him.
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It was a very nice show.
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Laura and I loved it, didn't we, Laura?
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Yes.
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Oh, honey, Officer Bain here knows
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that a wife can't testify against her husband.
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No, but I can testify
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that Dr. Helper sat through the whole show and laughed.
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That's right, Officer. I'd like to report that.
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They held me captive in their living room
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and made me watch a bad TV show.
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Now, is that considered a crime?
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( LAUGHING ) I'm afraid not.
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There aren't any laws to protect us
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against bad TV shows yet.
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So you're safe.
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Thank you.
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Well, thanks for the tickets, Mr. Petrie.
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And I hope you come up with a good one next week.
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Goodnight.
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That's a smart Officer, huh?
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And a good personality.
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Jerry, do you know something?
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Darling, would you serve the coffee, please?
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Yes, dear.
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I don't think Jerry deserves any coffee.
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Oh, come on, honey. Just because I speak the truth?
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You speak just to annoy.
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ROB: Millie, would you pass that to Laura?
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I keep telling him,
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someday someone's not gonna know he's kidding.
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ROB: Millie.
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Thank you.
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Coffee, Jerry? Oh, yeah, you bet.
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If I were Rob, I'd pour that coffee right on his head.
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Hey, now listen, don't give him any ideas.
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Oww!
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I'm sorry. you moved your cup and I--
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It's all right, Rob.
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It's all right. Just sit down.
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I'm sorry.
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It's all right. This won't help you, believe me.
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Won't help what?
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Pouring hot coffee on me will not silence my tongue.
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The world will still hear my message,
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"The Alan Brady Show" was rotten.
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Have a little sugar, dear.
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"The Dick Van Dyke Show."
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( THEME MUSIC )
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Ritchie, that's enough sugar.
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I only used two.
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I always use three spoons.
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Two teaspoons full, dear.
223
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That was a tablespoon.
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Is there more sugar in a tablespoon
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than there is in a teaspoon?
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Ritchie, you knew that, didn't you?
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Yes, but I didn't know you knew it.
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Well, I do.
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RITCHIE: We just learned it in school.
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Oh, come in, Freddie.
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How are you, dear?
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Fine. Are you ready, Ritchie?
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My Mommy's is driving us today.
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He'll be ready in a minute, dear.
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He's just finishing his cereal.
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Would you like some?
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Hot. Hot or cold?
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Okay, I had cold.
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Here we go.
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You can have mine.
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I've just fixed it. There you go.
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Ritchie, you put sugar in yours.
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Oh, yeah, I forgot.
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Did you see "The Alan Brady Show" last night?
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Yeah, mommy lets me stay up and watch it.
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It was a rotten show, wasn't it?
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Good morning, everybody.
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Good morning, honey.
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Mommy, was daddy's show rotten last night?
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It was very good.
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It was very good.
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Why'd you ask your momma?
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Didn't you see it?
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It's too old for me.
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I don't understand it.
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Well, it was a rotten show.
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Ha, ha, Freddie, ha, ha.
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Well, why do you say it was a rotten show?
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Didn't you like it?
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I didn't see it.
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Well, Freddie, if you didn't see it,
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how do you know that it was a rotten show?
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My daddy told me.
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Ha, ha, I thought so.
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His daddy told him.
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How do you like that?
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He's not only a dentist, now he's a critic.
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Oh, Rob. don't let it upset you.
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It's just Jerry's idea of a practical joke.
270
00:07:53,094 --> 00:07:54,195
Well, that's some practical joke,
271
00:07:54,228 --> 00:07:55,196
going around yelling
272
00:07:55,229 --> 00:07:56,998
"The Alan Brady Show" last night was rotten.
273
00:07:57,031 --> 00:07:58,833
You see, your daddy thought it was rotten too.
274
00:08:01,202 --> 00:08:02,804
I did not. I thought it was a great show
275
00:08:02,837 --> 00:08:04,839
and you can tell your father I said so too.
276
00:08:04,872 --> 00:08:06,874
I'll tell him, I'll tell him!
277
00:08:06,908 --> 00:08:08,376
Rob, you scared him.
278
00:08:08,409 --> 00:08:10,244
Oh, uh, Freddie!
279
00:08:10,278 --> 00:08:12,046
Well, honey, I didn't mean to scare him.
280
00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:13,114
Ritchie, where are you going?
281
00:08:13,147 --> 00:08:14,782
You didn't finish your cereal.
282
00:08:14,816 --> 00:08:16,818
It was too sweet.
283
00:08:18,119 --> 00:08:19,187
Well, it's late anyway.
284
00:08:19,220 --> 00:08:21,022
Be sure and drink your milk when you get to school.
285
00:08:21,055 --> 00:08:21,889
Okay.
286
00:08:21,923 --> 00:08:23,991
Daddy, if anybody asks me at school,
287
00:08:24,025 --> 00:08:26,994
should I tell them the show was good or rotten?
288
00:08:27,028 --> 00:08:27,862
You tell 'em it was good.
289
00:08:27,895 --> 00:08:29,897
Okay.
290
00:08:29,931 --> 00:08:32,133
No, wait a minute, tell 'em it was great.
291
00:08:32,166 --> 00:08:33,501
Bye, sweetie.
292
00:08:34,235 --> 00:08:36,304
How do you like that, my own flesh and blood.
293
00:08:36,337 --> 00:08:37,338
Oh, darling.
294
00:08:37,371 --> 00:08:38,072
VINNY: Good morning.
295
00:08:38,106 --> 00:08:39,173
Good morning, Vinny. Come on in.
296
00:08:39,207 --> 00:08:40,274
Thank you.
297
00:08:40,308 --> 00:08:44,078
Well, we got a special this week on cottage cheese
298
00:08:44,112 --> 00:08:46,047
and I thought you'd want to take advantage of it.
299
00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:47,048
LAURA: Good, I will.
300
00:08:47,081 --> 00:08:47,715
VINNY: Yeah.
301
00:08:47,749 --> 00:08:48,382
Hey, hiya there, Mr. Petrie.
302
00:08:48,416 --> 00:08:49,584
Fine. fine.
303
00:08:49,617 --> 00:08:50,384
How are you, Vinny?
304
00:08:50,418 --> 00:08:53,421
Oh, okay. How's the show going?
305
00:08:53,454 --> 00:08:55,056
Okay, I guess.
306
00:08:55,089 --> 00:08:57,825
Yeah, I guess it must be kind of hard, huh?
307
00:08:57,859 --> 00:09:00,461
Every week to put on a good show?
308
00:09:00,495 --> 00:09:01,863
It's kind of hit and miss, isn't it?
309
00:09:01,896 --> 00:09:03,464
Yeah, I guess so.
310
00:09:03,498 --> 00:09:05,500
Yeah. Tell me, Mr. Petrie,
311
00:09:05,533 --> 00:09:08,169
how does a big star like Alan Brady take it
312
00:09:08,202 --> 00:09:10,071
when he has a bad one like last night?
313
00:09:12,907 --> 00:09:14,609
What do you mean, a bad one like last night?
314
00:09:14,642 --> 00:09:15,710
Well, you know, when you have a show
315
00:09:15,743 --> 00:09:19,013
that the televiewing public don't think is so good.
316
00:09:19,046 --> 00:09:21,015
Well, Vinny, didn't you like the show last night?
317
00:09:21,048 --> 00:09:22,216
Oh, you can't go by me.
318
00:09:22,250 --> 00:09:23,317
That wouldn't be fair.
319
00:09:23,351 --> 00:09:24,285
Why not?
320
00:09:24,318 --> 00:09:26,254
'Cause I didn't see it.
321
00:09:26,287 --> 00:09:29,223
No, you see, I play pinochle with my brothers on sunday.
322
00:09:29,257 --> 00:09:30,892
Vinny, if you didn't see the show,
323
00:09:30,925 --> 00:09:32,527
how can you say it wasn't good?
324
00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:35,396
Well, you know, you hear things, word of mouth.
325
00:09:35,429 --> 00:09:36,597
Word of mouth?
326
00:09:36,631 --> 00:09:38,466
Yeah, my customers tell me.
327
00:09:38,499 --> 00:09:39,567
Oh, I see.
328
00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:40,802
Yeah, well, actually,
329
00:09:40,835 --> 00:09:43,404
the one and only word of mouth I've had so far on this show
330
00:09:43,437 --> 00:09:45,907
was from your neighbor, you know, the dentist.
331
00:09:45,940 --> 00:09:47,441
Dr. Jerry Helper.
332
00:09:47,475 --> 00:09:49,477
Yeah, ha, ha, ha, ha.
333
00:09:49,510 --> 00:09:53,447
Oh boy, that show last night must have been some catastrophe
334
00:09:53,481 --> 00:09:56,117
when your own neighbor says it was rotten.
335
00:09:57,084 --> 00:09:59,053
Yeah, I'm glad I played cards.
336
00:09:59,086 --> 00:10:02,023
( LAUGHING ) I'll tell you something, Vinny, ha, ha.
337
00:10:02,056 --> 00:10:03,324
That show last night was a great show
338
00:10:03,357 --> 00:10:06,661
and you can use that for your word of mouth.
339
00:10:06,694 --> 00:10:08,095
All right, all right.
340
00:10:08,129 --> 00:10:09,230
Oh, I'm sorry, Vinny.
341
00:10:09,263 --> 00:10:09,997
I didn't mean to shout at you.
342
00:10:10,031 --> 00:10:11,132
Oh, that's all right, Mr. Petrie.
343
00:10:11,165 --> 00:10:14,368
Dr. Helper said you'd be kind of touchy after a bad show.
344
00:10:16,237 --> 00:10:17,972
There you are. Well, see you wednesday.
345
00:10:18,005 --> 00:10:18,472
Bye, bye.
346
00:10:18,506 --> 00:10:19,941
Bye.
347
00:10:21,642 --> 00:10:23,344
Now, Jerry is going a little bit too far.
348
00:10:23,377 --> 00:10:24,946
He's spreading it all over the neighborhood.
349
00:10:24,979 --> 00:10:27,081
Rob, don't let it upset you.
350
00:10:27,114 --> 00:10:28,482
You know it was a good show.
351
00:10:28,516 --> 00:10:29,650
That's what upsets me.
352
00:10:29,684 --> 00:10:30,718
We had a good show,
353
00:10:30,751 --> 00:10:31,986
and he's broadcasting to the whole neighborhood
354
00:10:32,019 --> 00:10:33,221
that we didn't.
355
00:10:33,254 --> 00:10:34,088
You tell a lie often enough
356
00:10:34,121 --> 00:10:36,257
and it begins to sound like the truth.
357
00:10:36,290 --> 00:10:37,658
Next thing you know, I'll be out of a job.
358
00:10:37,692 --> 00:10:39,260
Oh, Rob. ( DOORBELL RINGS )
359
00:10:39,293 --> 00:10:40,394
I'll get it.
360
00:10:43,631 --> 00:10:47,068
( ROB MUTTERING )
361
00:10:48,169 --> 00:10:49,203
yes?
362
00:10:49,237 --> 00:10:51,038
Singing message for robert petrie.
363
00:10:51,072 --> 00:10:53,574
Singing mess-- well, I'm Robert Petrie.
364
00:10:53,608 --> 00:10:56,077
~ Robert Petrie wrote a show ~
365
00:10:56,110 --> 00:10:58,312
~ Supposed to be funny ho ho ho ~
366
00:10:58,346 --> 00:11:00,948
~ Look how far this man has gotten ~
367
00:11:00,982 --> 00:11:03,618
~ Writing shows that are really rotten ~
368
00:11:09,423 --> 00:11:11,459
Signed, The Phantom Neighbor.
369
00:11:13,394 --> 00:11:14,395
Thank you.
370
00:11:14,428 --> 00:11:15,429
There's more.
371
00:11:15,463 --> 00:11:16,230
Oh, there is?
372
00:11:16,264 --> 00:11:18,666
~ I'm only kidding.
373
00:11:21,502 --> 00:11:22,336
Thank you very much.
374
00:11:22,370 --> 00:11:23,638
Get outta here.
375
00:11:26,741 --> 00:11:28,509
I heard.
376
00:11:35,616 --> 00:11:36,584
Hi, dear.
377
00:11:36,617 --> 00:11:39,086
Hi.
378
00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:41,188
Did daddy come home yet, mommy?
379
00:11:41,222 --> 00:11:43,090
No, he'll be home any minute now.
380
00:11:43,124 --> 00:11:45,092
Dr. Helper just came home.
381
00:11:45,126 --> 00:11:46,260
That's nice.
382
00:11:46,294 --> 00:11:49,096
He's got a bandage on the tip of his nose.
383
00:11:49,130 --> 00:11:50,531
Oh? That's nice.
384
00:11:50,564 --> 00:11:53,634
Like this, Mommy.
385
00:11:53,668 --> 00:11:55,636
Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that.
386
00:11:55,670 --> 00:11:57,271
What happened?
387
00:11:57,305 --> 00:11:58,773
He got a punch in the nose.
388
00:11:58,806 --> 00:12:01,409
Somebody punched Jerry Helper in the nose?
389
00:12:01,442 --> 00:12:02,543
Daddy did.
390
00:12:05,646 --> 00:12:06,514
Who?
391
00:12:06,547 --> 00:12:07,682
Daddy.
392
00:12:07,715 --> 00:12:09,150
Who told you that?
393
00:12:09,183 --> 00:12:11,118
Dr. Helper.
394
00:12:11,152 --> 00:12:12,320
Honey, are you sure he said
395
00:12:12,353 --> 00:12:14,221
Daddy punched him in the nose?
396
00:12:14,255 --> 00:12:15,556
No, he said "Robert Petrie"
397
00:12:15,589 --> 00:12:18,459
but that's Daddy, isn't it?
398
00:12:18,492 --> 00:12:20,127
Yes, that's Daddy.
399
00:12:20,161 --> 00:12:21,629
ROB: Hi, folks.
400
00:12:21,662 --> 00:12:23,230
Hi, Daddy.
401
00:12:23,264 --> 00:12:25,066
Hi, Ritch.
402
00:12:25,099 --> 00:12:26,634
Hey, what happened to you?
403
00:12:26,667 --> 00:12:29,637
I'm playing broken nose.
404
00:12:29,670 --> 00:12:31,639
Did you punch Dr. Helper in the nose?
405
00:12:31,672 --> 00:12:32,773
What?
406
00:12:32,807 --> 00:12:34,342
Well, who said that, Ritch?
407
00:12:34,375 --> 00:12:36,177
Uh, Ritchie, I think it's time for bed, dear.
408
00:12:36,210 --> 00:12:37,478
Go get your pajamas on.
409
00:12:37,511 --> 00:12:38,379
But I want to hear
410
00:12:38,412 --> 00:12:40,781
how Daddy punched Dr. Helper in the nose.
411
00:12:40,815 --> 00:12:42,750
Well, Daddy didn't punch Dr. Helper
412
00:12:42,783 --> 00:12:44,552
in the nose, did you, Daddy?
413
00:12:44,585 --> 00:12:46,120
No, I didn't, Ritch.
414
00:12:46,153 --> 00:12:47,188
He said you did.
415
00:12:47,221 --> 00:12:48,589
Well, he was only joking.
416
00:12:48,622 --> 00:12:49,523
Wasn't he, Daddy?
417
00:12:49,557 --> 00:12:52,226
That's right. Dr. Helper's a big joker.
418
00:12:52,259 --> 00:12:53,694
You go get your pajamas on, Ritch.
419
00:12:53,728 --> 00:12:55,463
Okay.
420
00:12:55,496 --> 00:12:56,764
Did you bring me anything?
421
00:12:56,797 --> 00:12:58,299
Oh, no.
422
00:12:58,332 --> 00:13:00,568
Wait a minute, here's a paper clip.
423
00:13:02,403 --> 00:13:04,605
Yay!
424
00:13:04,638 --> 00:13:06,073
Love that "yay."
425
00:13:06,107 --> 00:13:07,775
He's a cute one, all right, isn't he?
426
00:13:07,808 --> 00:13:09,110
Rob?
427
00:13:09,143 --> 00:13:11,178
I didn't punch him in the nose.
428
00:13:11,212 --> 00:13:13,280
Then why did he say you did?
429
00:13:13,314 --> 00:13:15,783
Did he say I punched him in the nose?
430
00:13:15,816 --> 00:13:17,118
According to Ritchie.
431
00:13:17,151 --> 00:13:18,119
Well, I didn't.
432
00:13:18,152 --> 00:13:19,720
You didn't? No.
433
00:13:19,754 --> 00:13:22,757
I was sort of, like, hit him in the nose.
434
00:13:22,790 --> 00:13:24,158
What's for dinner, honey?
435
00:13:24,191 --> 00:13:25,559
What's the difference?
436
00:13:25,593 --> 00:13:27,328
Rob, you didn't hit him?
437
00:13:27,361 --> 00:13:29,296
Yup, accidentally.
438
00:13:29,330 --> 00:13:32,666
Not that he didn't deserve a shot.
439
00:13:32,700 --> 00:13:34,502
Boy, he sure had it coming to him.
440
00:13:34,535 --> 00:13:35,469
Well, what happened?
441
00:13:35,503 --> 00:13:38,139
Well, he called me to have lunch with him today
442
00:13:38,172 --> 00:13:39,640
and I wanted to talk to him.
443
00:13:39,673 --> 00:13:41,475
And we went to this restaurant.
444
00:13:41,509 --> 00:13:42,510
You hit him in the restaurant?
445
00:13:42,543 --> 00:13:44,378
Yeah. Accidentally,
446
00:13:44,412 --> 00:13:46,547
and I must say I kind of enjoyed the experience.
447
00:13:48,282 --> 00:13:49,450
What happened?
448
00:13:49,483 --> 00:13:51,218
Well, this waitress that I know there
449
00:13:51,252 --> 00:13:52,319
came over to the table
450
00:13:52,353 --> 00:13:53,554
and said she saw the show last night
451
00:13:53,587 --> 00:13:55,523
and she thought it was excellent.
452
00:13:55,556 --> 00:13:57,491
And that's when old Jerry went to work.
453
00:13:57,525 --> 00:13:58,826
What did he do?
454
00:13:58,859 --> 00:14:00,628
He started playing district attorney.
455
00:14:00,661 --> 00:14:02,129
He took the plates out of her hand,
456
00:14:02,163 --> 00:14:03,264
put 'em on the table,
457
00:14:03,297 --> 00:14:06,233
sat her down and cross-examined her.
458
00:14:06,267 --> 00:14:08,436
He said, "Well, young lady, tell me,
459
00:14:08,469 --> 00:14:10,438
you say you thought 'The Alan Brady Show' last night
460
00:14:10,471 --> 00:14:11,739
was magnificent.
461
00:14:11,772 --> 00:14:12,573
I see.
462
00:14:12,606 --> 00:14:15,276
Now tell me, did you see 'Ben-Hur'?
463
00:14:15,309 --> 00:14:16,077
Uh-huh? You did?
464
00:14:16,110 --> 00:14:17,745
What did you think of 'Ben-Hur'?
465
00:14:17,778 --> 00:14:19,346
Oh, magnificent, you say?
466
00:14:19,380 --> 00:14:21,782
Would you say that 'The Alan Brady Show'
467
00:14:21,816 --> 00:14:23,584
is as good as 'Ben-Hur'?
468
00:14:24,952 --> 00:14:25,953
Oh, no?
469
00:14:25,986 --> 00:14:27,888
Well, would you say that 'The Alan Brady Show'
470
00:14:27,922 --> 00:14:29,690
was half as good as 'Ben-Hur'?
471
00:14:29,723 --> 00:14:31,292
Oh no?
472
00:14:31,325 --> 00:14:32,493
One quarter as good?
473
00:14:32,526 --> 00:14:34,261
No? One eighth as good?
474
00:14:34,295 --> 00:14:36,197
Ah-hah, one eighth, you say.
475
00:14:36,230 --> 00:14:39,500
Then I contend that one eighth of magnificent is rotten."
476
00:14:41,902 --> 00:14:43,537
He didn't. Oh, he did.
477
00:14:43,571 --> 00:14:44,538
That's when you hit him?
478
00:14:44,572 --> 00:14:45,706
That's when I wanted to hit him.
479
00:14:45,739 --> 00:14:46,740
Boy, I'll tell you something.
480
00:14:46,774 --> 00:14:48,509
I was mad enough to.
481
00:14:48,542 --> 00:14:50,478
Honey, you know, there must have been 175 people
482
00:14:50,511 --> 00:14:51,879
in that restaurant that heard him say
483
00:14:51,912 --> 00:14:53,647
that "The Alan Brady Show" was rotten?
484
00:14:53,681 --> 00:14:55,516
Well, how did you accidentally hit him?
485
00:14:55,549 --> 00:14:57,918
Well, I was sitting down, he was standing up
486
00:14:57,952 --> 00:14:58,686
and I wanted to get him out of there.
487
00:14:58,719 --> 00:14:59,753
We hadn't even finished eating yet.
488
00:14:59,787 --> 00:15:02,790
I called the waitress over, I said, "Check, please."
489
00:15:02,823 --> 00:15:03,524
Aghh!
490
00:15:03,557 --> 00:15:04,258
Oh, honey.
491
00:15:04,291 --> 00:15:05,259
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.
492
00:15:05,292 --> 00:15:06,260
What did I do?
493
00:15:06,293 --> 00:15:07,862
Oh no, oh, my nose.
494
00:15:07,895 --> 00:15:08,896
What's happened?
495
00:15:08,929 --> 00:15:10,664
Daddy shot Mommy in the nose.
496
00:15:10,698 --> 00:15:12,333
He did?
497
00:15:12,366 --> 00:15:14,368
Rob, how could you?
498
00:15:14,401 --> 00:15:15,536
It was an accident, Millie.
499
00:15:15,569 --> 00:15:16,837
Are you sure?
500
00:15:16,871 --> 00:15:18,572
No, I did it on purpose.
501
00:15:18,606 --> 00:15:19,940
Mommy, Mommy!
502
00:15:19,974 --> 00:15:21,709
Ritchie, go to bed.
503
00:15:21,742 --> 00:15:23,811
Laura, are you all right?
504
00:15:23,844 --> 00:15:26,380
Yes, I'm fine, Millie. Just leave me alone.
505
00:15:26,413 --> 00:15:27,948
Daddy, why did you hit Mommy?
506
00:15:27,982 --> 00:15:29,783
Go to bed!
507
00:15:29,817 --> 00:15:32,486
Okay, okay, I'm going to bed.
508
00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:35,623
No, Millie, I meant him, not--
509
00:15:35,656 --> 00:15:36,657
She's gonna go to bed!
510
00:15:37,925 --> 00:15:40,227
Honey, let me see.
511
00:15:42,329 --> 00:15:44,465
You've got to get over there, Jerry.
512
00:15:44,498 --> 00:15:45,866
Honey, I don't like to interfere
513
00:15:45,900 --> 00:15:48,269
in other people's little marital spats.
514
00:15:48,302 --> 00:15:50,571
It's not any little marital spat.
515
00:15:50,604 --> 00:15:52,540
He punched her in the nose.
516
00:15:52,573 --> 00:15:54,375
She was crying and he was shouting
517
00:15:54,408 --> 00:15:56,277
and the whole family looked wild.
518
00:15:56,310 --> 00:15:58,546
Why, even Ritchie had a bandage on his nose.
519
00:15:58,579 --> 00:15:59,980
Oh, now, come on, Millie.
520
00:16:00,014 --> 00:16:00,915
Use your head.
521
00:16:00,948 --> 00:16:02,850
Rob wouldn't punch his wife in the nose.
522
00:16:02,883 --> 00:16:04,685
Well, he punched you in the nose, didn't he?
523
00:16:04,718 --> 00:16:05,686
Well, that's different,
524
00:16:05,719 --> 00:16:07,555
I was kidding him about his television show.
525
00:16:07,588 --> 00:16:08,355
When are you gonna learn
526
00:16:08,389 --> 00:16:10,658
that kidding and teasing aren't fun?
527
00:16:10,691 --> 00:16:11,992
Well, it is fun. I like it.
528
00:16:12,026 --> 00:16:13,928
Well, you're the only one.
529
00:16:13,961 --> 00:16:15,796
Now get over there and do something.
530
00:16:15,829 --> 00:16:16,730
What'll I do?
531
00:16:16,764 --> 00:16:19,400
Keep Rob from doing any more violence today.
532
00:16:19,433 --> 00:16:21,535
Rob didn't do any violence.
533
00:16:21,569 --> 00:16:23,437
Hitting you in the nose is violence.
534
00:16:23,470 --> 00:16:24,772
Well, that was an accident.
535
00:16:24,805 --> 00:16:26,407
An accident?
536
00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:29,677
You told me he punched you in the nose on purpose.
537
00:16:29,710 --> 00:16:30,811
Did I say that?
538
00:16:30,844 --> 00:16:31,946
MILLIE: Yes, you did.
539
00:16:31,979 --> 00:16:36,350
Well, I was only kidding, you know me.
540
00:16:36,383 --> 00:16:37,551
Now, look, honey, this is the truth
541
00:16:37,585 --> 00:16:38,819
and I'm not kidding.
542
00:16:38,852 --> 00:16:40,421
Rob did punch me in the restaurant
543
00:16:40,454 --> 00:16:41,889
but it was an accident.
544
00:16:41,922 --> 00:16:42,756
Well, I don't believe you.
545
00:16:42,790 --> 00:16:45,893
Two accidents in one day is no accident.
546
00:16:45,926 --> 00:16:46,694
Now, you're a doctor.
547
00:16:46,727 --> 00:16:48,662
Get over there and do something.
548
00:16:48,696 --> 00:16:50,397
I think Rob is sick.
549
00:16:50,431 --> 00:16:52,800
Honey, I'm a dentist, not a psychiatrist.
550
00:16:52,833 --> 00:16:54,368
Well, never mind,
551
00:16:54,401 --> 00:16:56,670
just get over there before he hurts Laura again.
552
00:16:56,704 --> 00:16:57,671
All right.
553
00:16:57,705 --> 00:17:00,074
Boy, you women, you sure like to over-dramatize.
554
00:17:00,107 --> 00:17:02,810
Oh-oh, my nose, my nose.
555
00:17:02,843 --> 00:17:04,011
What happened?
556
00:17:04,044 --> 00:17:05,779
Only kidding.
557
00:17:05,813 --> 00:17:07,481
Get out!
558
00:17:09,717 --> 00:17:12,886
Oh, boy, I should have married Sam Weinstreiber.
559
00:17:14,955 --> 00:17:16,724
Who's Sam Weinstreiber?
560
00:17:16,757 --> 00:17:18,993
Out! Only kidding.
561
00:17:24,465 --> 00:17:26,734
There we are.
562
00:17:26,767 --> 00:17:28,602
Honey, how's that feel?
563
00:17:28,636 --> 00:17:29,970
It feels fine.
564
00:17:30,004 --> 00:17:31,939
Rob, I don't need a bandage this big,
565
00:17:31,972 --> 00:17:33,374
it was only a scratch.
566
00:17:33,407 --> 00:17:34,908
Yeah, it is kind of big.
567
00:17:34,942 --> 00:17:36,844
Well, keep it on, honey, 'til I make you a smaller one.
568
00:17:38,445 --> 00:17:39,480
While you're at it,
569
00:17:39,513 --> 00:17:41,882
trim that fingernail of yours. It's a lethal weapon.
570
00:17:41,915 --> 00:17:44,351
Yeah, I will, honey. I'm sorry.
571
00:17:44,385 --> 00:17:46,553
Hey, am I forgiven?
572
00:17:46,587 --> 00:17:47,755
Oh, sure.
573
00:17:47,788 --> 00:17:49,089
( DOORBELL RINGS )
574
00:17:49,123 --> 00:17:50,391
I'll trim it right now. I'll get it, honey.
575
00:17:54,128 --> 00:17:55,829
Ow, ow, ow.
576
00:17:55,863 --> 00:17:57,598
Darn, darn, darn it.
577
00:18:03,570 --> 00:18:04,538
What do you want?
578
00:18:04,571 --> 00:18:05,873
Nothing, i--
579
00:18:05,906 --> 00:18:07,007
what are you doing with those scissors?
580
00:18:07,041 --> 00:18:08,676
What am I doing with those scissors?
581
00:18:08,709 --> 00:18:10,377
I was planning on cutting my throat with them,
582
00:18:10,411 --> 00:18:11,578
that's what.
583
00:18:12,713 --> 00:18:13,947
Ow!
584
00:18:16,116 --> 00:18:17,818
Agh, agh!
585
00:18:24,091 --> 00:18:25,159
Rob, just take it easy.
586
00:18:25,192 --> 00:18:26,460
Take it easy.
587
00:18:26,493 --> 00:18:27,728
Laura, call the hospital.
588
00:18:27,761 --> 00:18:29,797
Get off my chest.
589
00:18:29,830 --> 00:18:30,597
What have you done?
590
00:18:30,631 --> 00:18:31,832
I'm doing what anybody would do.
591
00:18:31,865 --> 00:18:32,900
You'll be all right, boy.
592
00:18:32,933 --> 00:18:34,168
Rob, are you all right?
593
00:18:34,201 --> 00:18:37,071
There's a pressing pain on my chest.
594
00:18:38,472 --> 00:18:40,441
What's the pain feel like, boy?
595
00:18:40,474 --> 00:18:43,877
Feels like a 180-pound dentist sitting on it.
596
00:18:43,911 --> 00:18:44,578
That's all right. It's all right.
597
00:18:44,611 --> 00:18:46,046
Jerry, will you please get off?
598
00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:47,014
You'll be all right, you'll be all right.
599
00:18:47,047 --> 00:18:48,949
Take it easy. Settle down. Calm down, boy.
600
00:18:48,982 --> 00:18:50,651
You're just out of control tonight.
601
00:18:50,684 --> 00:18:52,152
Jerry, please, look, listen to the tone of my voice.
602
00:18:52,186 --> 00:18:52,886
Yes, I can hear it.
603
00:18:52,920 --> 00:18:54,154
I'm fine. I can hear you.
604
00:18:54,188 --> 00:18:55,155
I'm all right. Uh-huh.
605
00:18:55,189 --> 00:18:57,591
The only problem I have right now is respiratory.
606
00:18:59,126 --> 00:19:01,061
Now, will you please get off my lungs?
607
00:19:01,095 --> 00:19:02,663
Your lungs?
608
00:19:02,696 --> 00:19:04,431
Laura, will you tell him, I am all right?
609
00:19:04,465 --> 00:19:06,033
Jerry, he's perfectly all right.
610
00:19:06,066 --> 00:19:07,735
Well, what about your nose?
611
00:19:07,768 --> 00:19:09,970
I was merely demonstrating to her
612
00:19:10,003 --> 00:19:11,805
how I clipped you accidentally in the restaurant
613
00:19:11,839 --> 00:19:14,441
and I clipped her the same way.
614
00:19:14,475 --> 00:19:15,976
Well, I don't know.
615
00:19:16,009 --> 00:19:18,545
Outside the door I heard all this noise and cussing
616
00:19:18,579 --> 00:19:19,880
and I saw the scissors in your hand
617
00:19:19,913 --> 00:19:21,014
and then your nose, I don't--
618
00:19:21,048 --> 00:19:22,850
LAURA: He tripped over a toy.
619
00:19:22,883 --> 00:19:23,817
Tripped over a toy?
620
00:19:23,851 --> 00:19:25,652
Oh my goodness, what happened?
621
00:19:25,686 --> 00:19:27,621
Nothing. Everything's fine.
622
00:19:27,654 --> 00:19:29,123
On your advice, I slugged my best friend
623
00:19:29,156 --> 00:19:30,657
and practically demolished him.
624
00:19:30,691 --> 00:19:32,025
Don't shout at me, Jerry Helper.
625
00:19:32,059 --> 00:19:33,394
I didn't tell you to demolish him.
626
00:19:33,427 --> 00:19:37,097
I simply told you to-- You simply said for me to get over here...
627
00:19:37,131 --> 00:19:38,932
He flipped and I didn't know about her nose
628
00:19:38,966 --> 00:19:39,967
( WHISTLES )
629
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,236
What?
630
00:19:42,269 --> 00:19:43,537
Since last night,
631
00:19:43,570 --> 00:19:44,838
let's just look at what's happened.
632
00:19:44,872 --> 00:19:48,041
Ooh.
633
00:19:48,075 --> 00:19:50,210
You and your wife are screaming at one another.
634
00:19:50,244 --> 00:19:52,579
You and I are barely speaking.
635
00:19:52,613 --> 00:19:54,848
I have slugged my wife and my next door neighbor
636
00:19:54,882 --> 00:19:56,517
in their respective noses.
637
00:19:56,550 --> 00:19:58,819
I have received a very painful blow on the wrist,
638
00:19:58,852 --> 00:20:01,989
a possible fracture of this rib and my neck.
639
00:20:02,022 --> 00:20:04,725
Now, who do we have to blame for all of these disasters?
640
00:20:04,758 --> 00:20:05,192
ALL: Him.
641
00:20:05,225 --> 00:20:05,993
Me?
642
00:20:06,026 --> 00:20:06,660
Yes, you.
643
00:20:06,693 --> 00:20:07,427
Why?
644
00:20:07,461 --> 00:20:09,129
'Cause, Jerry, you just took--
645
00:20:09,163 --> 00:20:10,864
because of your criticism of my show, that's why.
646
00:20:10,898 --> 00:20:12,032
How do you like that?
647
00:20:12,065 --> 00:20:13,967
He's blaming all this on me just because I kidded him
648
00:20:14,001 --> 00:20:15,836
about his television show being rotten.
649
00:20:15,869 --> 00:20:17,604
LAURA: Jerry, that television show
650
00:20:17,638 --> 00:20:19,840
happens to be Rob's livelihood.
651
00:20:19,873 --> 00:20:21,074
That's right. Nobody likes to be kidded
652
00:20:21,108 --> 00:20:22,576
about their work being rotten, Jerry.
653
00:20:22,609 --> 00:20:24,211
It isn't funny.
654
00:20:24,244 --> 00:20:25,345
How would you like it if I went around saying
655
00:20:25,379 --> 00:20:28,982
"Jerry Helper's gold fillings turned green in my mouth.
656
00:20:29,016 --> 00:20:30,117
He's a rotten dentist."
657
00:20:30,150 --> 00:20:31,285
Hey, be quiet, will you, the door's open.
658
00:20:31,318 --> 00:20:32,986
I got three patients on this block.
659
00:20:33,020 --> 00:20:34,121
I'm sorry.
660
00:20:34,154 --> 00:20:36,056
Yeah, gee.
661
00:20:36,089 --> 00:20:36,857
ROB: Hey, everybody,
662
00:20:36,890 --> 00:20:38,125
Jerry Helper is a rotten dentist.
663
00:20:38,158 --> 00:20:39,760
Cut it out.
664
00:20:41,728 --> 00:20:42,596
Is that funny?
665
00:20:42,629 --> 00:20:43,564
No, it's not.
666
00:20:43,597 --> 00:20:46,066
All right, then, Jerry, you see what I mean.
667
00:20:46,099 --> 00:20:48,869
Jerry, I'm gonna have to tell you this,
668
00:20:48,902 --> 00:20:50,871
you have been kidding me now for a lot of years
669
00:20:50,904 --> 00:20:52,039
and you've been getting away with it
670
00:20:52,072 --> 00:20:55,309
but I think you have about reached the point of no return.
671
00:20:55,342 --> 00:20:56,643
You're really mad at me, huh?
672
00:20:56,677 --> 00:20:57,711
Well, just put it this way, Jerry.
673
00:20:57,744 --> 00:20:59,079
I don't care if our kids play together,
674
00:20:59,112 --> 00:21:00,881
I don't care if our wives play together,
675
00:21:00,914 --> 00:21:02,583
but I don't think you and I are gonna play together
676
00:21:02,616 --> 00:21:05,786
unless you make an honest effort to stop the kidding.
677
00:21:07,154 --> 00:21:09,089
I've said it.
678
00:21:09,122 --> 00:21:11,625
I'm embarrassed about it but I said it.
679
00:21:13,327 --> 00:21:16,230
Gee, I feel awful.
680
00:21:16,263 --> 00:21:18,899
Well, you should.
681
00:21:18,932 --> 00:21:21,568
I don't know what to say.
682
00:21:21,602 --> 00:21:23,604
I guess you're all pretty sore at me, huh?
683
00:21:23,637 --> 00:21:25,639
MILLIE AND LAURA: Yes.
684
00:21:25,672 --> 00:21:28,976
Gee, I don't know what to say.
685
00:21:29,009 --> 00:21:31,612
Well, why don't you try telling the truth?
686
00:21:31,645 --> 00:21:32,746
Well.
687
00:21:32,779 --> 00:21:33,780
Come on, tell 'em
688
00:21:33,814 --> 00:21:36,049
what you really thought of last night's show.
689
00:21:38,085 --> 00:21:38,952
Well...
690
00:21:38,986 --> 00:21:41,221
Go on.
691
00:21:41,255 --> 00:21:43,657
Excellent.
692
00:21:43,690 --> 00:21:44,958
Now, that didn't hurt, did it?
693
00:21:44,992 --> 00:21:46,226
A little bit.
694
00:21:48,395 --> 00:21:49,897
Do you think you learned a lesson?
695
00:21:49,930 --> 00:21:52,065
Yeah, I think so.
696
00:21:52,099 --> 00:21:53,267
How about some coffee?
697
00:21:53,300 --> 00:21:55,369
Yeah, I think we all need some, honey.
698
00:21:55,402 --> 00:21:56,970
I'll help. Good.
699
00:22:04,811 --> 00:22:07,147
Hey, Rob.
700
00:22:07,180 --> 00:22:08,649
I want you to do me a favor.
701
00:22:08,682 --> 00:22:10,951
Uh, what?
702
00:22:10,984 --> 00:22:12,386
Give me a hit right on the arm.
703
00:22:12,419 --> 00:22:14,621
Give you a hit in--what for?
704
00:22:14,655 --> 00:22:16,390
You'll feel better and I'll feel better.
705
00:22:16,423 --> 00:22:18,258
Oh, that's silly, Jerry, that's childish.
706
00:22:18,292 --> 00:22:19,259
I'm not mad anymore.
707
00:22:19,293 --> 00:22:20,127
Oh, yeah, yes, you are.
708
00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:21,194
You hit me by accident this afternoon
709
00:22:21,228 --> 00:22:23,397
but you really wanted to hit me now, didn't you?
710
00:22:23,430 --> 00:22:24,398
I'll admit,
711
00:22:24,431 --> 00:22:25,265
I wanted to give you a little punch today but i--
712
00:22:25,299 --> 00:22:27,401
yeah, see, see? The unconscious gesture?
713
00:22:27,434 --> 00:22:28,969
You really want to hit me. Go on, hit me.
714
00:22:29,002 --> 00:22:29,903
Jerry, I don't want to.
715
00:22:29,937 --> 00:22:30,904
Sure you do.
716
00:22:30,938 --> 00:22:33,140
Go on, look, we'll never really be friends again
717
00:22:33,173 --> 00:22:34,841
unless you get it out of your system.
718
00:22:34,875 --> 00:22:35,676
Come on.
719
00:22:35,709 --> 00:22:36,543
I'm not mad anymore, Jer.
720
00:22:36,577 --> 00:22:37,511
Please, Rob, will you? Please, do it.
721
00:22:37,544 --> 00:22:39,780
If not for your sake, then for mine, huh?
722
00:22:39,813 --> 00:22:40,914
I can't do it.
723
00:22:40,948 --> 00:22:41,748
The show was rotten.
724
00:22:41,782 --> 00:22:43,951
Agh!
725
00:22:43,984 --> 00:22:45,152
Do you feel better? Yeah.
726
00:22:45,185 --> 00:22:45,852
So do I.
727
00:22:45,886 --> 00:22:46,987
( INDISTINCT )
728
00:22:47,020 --> 00:22:48,188
Okay.
729
00:22:52,726 --> 00:22:54,027
Honey, would you bring the dessert in
730
00:22:54,061 --> 00:22:54,828
from the kitchen?
731
00:22:54,861 --> 00:22:55,963
Okay, honey.
732
00:22:59,032 --> 00:22:59,866
JERRY: Hey, Rob.
733
00:22:59,900 --> 00:23:01,668
Your shoelace is untied, you might trip.
734
00:23:02,469 --> 00:23:04,304
Oh, Jerry, doggone it.
735
00:23:04,338 --> 00:23:06,206
Ha, ha. caught you again. Just kidding.
736
00:23:06,239 --> 00:23:08,075
Jerry, won't you ever learn?
737
00:23:08,108 --> 00:23:08,709
Oh.
738
00:23:08,742 --> 00:23:09,977
I don't know if I were Rob,
739
00:23:10,010 --> 00:23:11,845
if I'd be so quick to forgive you.
740
00:23:11,878 --> 00:23:13,847
I've been telling him about his kidding
741
00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:15,048
and teasing for years,
742
00:23:15,082 --> 00:23:16,917
and he just can't control himself.
743
00:23:16,950 --> 00:23:17,718
Oh, now, come on, honey.
744
00:23:17,751 --> 00:23:18,418
I'm not that bad.
745
00:23:18,452 --> 00:23:19,419
Yes, you are.
746
00:23:19,453 --> 00:23:20,387
Oh, honey, listen.
747
00:23:20,420 --> 00:23:22,255
I know I went a little overboard with Rob
748
00:23:22,289 --> 00:23:23,924
but some teasing is fun.
749
00:23:23,957 --> 00:23:25,058
Don't you think so, Laura?
750
00:23:25,092 --> 00:23:27,394
Well, Jerry, I don't like being teased.
751
00:23:28,829 --> 00:23:30,197
Ah, here comes the dessert.
752
00:23:30,230 --> 00:23:31,465
Hey, Rob, now look out for that truck.
753
00:23:31,498 --> 00:23:32,399
You might trip.
754
00:23:32,432 --> 00:23:33,133
Don't kid me again, Jerry.
755
00:23:33,166 --> 00:23:34,134
JERRY: No, I'm not kidding you.
756
00:23:34,167 --> 00:23:36,103
There's a truck right-- watch the truck, whoo!
757
00:23:36,136 --> 00:23:39,172
( LAUGHTER )
758
00:23:52,085 --> 00:23:54,221
Didn't you see that truck there on the floor?
759
00:23:54,254 --> 00:23:56,456
No, I--oh.
760
00:23:56,490 --> 00:23:59,126
Yeah, you knew that truck was there.
761
00:23:59,159 --> 00:24:02,162
Well, Jerry, you'll never know, will you?51639
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