All language subtitles for The Dick Van Dyke Show - 01x14 - Buddy, Can You Spare a Job

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:09,225 --> 00:00:07,657 ~~ 3 00:00:35,924 --> 00:00:38,193 Hi, honey. Hi. 4 00:00:41,763 --> 00:00:44,199 What kind of a hello kiss is that? 5 00:00:44,232 --> 00:00:45,867 That is not a hello kiss. 6 00:00:45,901 --> 00:00:48,136 That is a "what-do you-think-happened to-me-today 7 00:00:48,170 --> 00:00:49,704 and-when-you-hear-it, you're-gonna-go-whee" kiss. 8 00:00:49,738 --> 00:00:52,174 What happened? 9 00:00:52,207 --> 00:00:55,410 Oh, nothing much. Well, what? 10 00:00:55,444 --> 00:00:57,646 What prominent comedy television writer-- 11 00:00:57,679 --> 00:01:01,216 whose wife is currently holding a dripping spoon-- 12 00:01:01,249 --> 00:01:04,853 was offered a job today at twice the money he is now making? 13 00:01:04,886 --> 00:01:06,321 Whee! 14 00:01:06,354 --> 00:01:08,924 With a staff of five writers. 15 00:01:08,957 --> 00:01:12,761 Whee! With my own private secretary. 16 00:01:12,794 --> 00:01:14,196 ( CLEARS THROAT) 17 00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:21,403 and the most exciting part of all? I turned it down. 18 00:01:21,436 --> 00:01:23,472 You what? Why? 19 00:01:23,505 --> 00:01:25,540 Because, honey, if I took that job, 20 00:01:25,574 --> 00:01:27,676 in about three months, this gorgeous hunk of man 21 00:01:27,709 --> 00:01:29,611 that you call your loving husband would be reduced... 22 00:01:29,644 --> 00:01:33,882 ( WEAK VOICE ) to a doddering, nervous old man. 23 00:01:33,915 --> 00:01:36,418 They offered you the Dan Howard show? Right. 24 00:01:36,451 --> 00:01:38,320 Oh, thank goodness you turned it down. 25 00:01:38,353 --> 00:01:39,788 I'm proud of you, darling. 26 00:01:39,821 --> 00:01:41,723 I'm proud of me, too. It's not every day 27 00:01:41,756 --> 00:01:43,959 a guy gets offered that kind of money and position. 28 00:01:43,992 --> 00:01:46,228 I'm proud because you turned it down. 29 00:01:46,261 --> 00:01:48,330 Are you sure, honey? You'd better think that over. 30 00:01:48,363 --> 00:01:49,865 That's a lot of money. 31 00:01:49,898 --> 00:01:53,301 You sure you want me poor and happy like this? 32 00:01:53,335 --> 00:01:57,339 ( WEAK VOICE ) or do you want me rich and old like that? 33 00:01:57,372 --> 00:01:59,374 I want you just the way you are. 34 00:01:59,407 --> 00:02:02,344 I'd think it over, honey. Give it some thought. 35 00:02:02,377 --> 00:02:04,980 ( WEAK VOICE ) That's an awful lot of money, honey. 36 00:02:05,013 --> 00:02:06,882 Rob, stop that. 37 00:02:06,915 --> 00:02:08,783 Let me put it this way-- 38 00:02:08,817 --> 00:02:11,486 I have a happy, semi-well-adjusted husband 39 00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:13,955 who comes home and greets me with a smile and a kiss, 40 00:02:13,989 --> 00:02:16,491 and I'd rather have that than all the money in the world. 41 00:02:16,525 --> 00:02:19,294 Yeah? Yeah. So how about a smile? 42 00:02:19,327 --> 00:02:21,596 And a kiss? 43 00:02:21,630 --> 00:02:23,798 That's what I want. 44 00:02:23,832 --> 00:02:28,236 Hey, I didn't realize I was such a great smiler and kisser. 45 00:02:28,270 --> 00:02:31,473 ( GROWLS ) 46 00:02:31,506 --> 00:02:34,576 No, honey, I couldn't work for a guy like Dan Howard. 47 00:02:34,609 --> 00:02:37,279 Although, you know, they asked me to recommend somebody. 48 00:02:37,312 --> 00:02:38,980 Did you? No, who could I recommend? 49 00:02:39,014 --> 00:02:41,516 I don't hate anybody that much. 50 00:02:41,550 --> 00:02:43,919 A writer would have to be out of his mind 51 00:02:43,952 --> 00:02:46,354 to go work for Dan Howard. 52 00:02:46,388 --> 00:02:48,557 Although there is one possibility. 53 00:02:48,590 --> 00:02:51,026 What? If we could only find a writer... 54 00:02:51,059 --> 00:02:54,496 ( WEAK VOICE ) who is already a nervous, doddering old man. 55 00:02:54,529 --> 00:02:56,798 Rob, stop that. Give us a little kiss, honey. 56 00:02:56,831 --> 00:02:59,801 Stop it! Don't do that! 57 00:02:59,834 --> 00:03:01,369 All right, I won't do it. 58 00:03:01,403 --> 00:03:02,771 Oh, stop! 59 00:03:05,874 --> 00:03:08,610 Well, that's where Laura and I differ. 60 00:03:08,643 --> 00:03:10,779 You see, I wouldn't mind being married 61 00:03:10,812 --> 00:03:13,281 to a rich, doddering old man. 62 00:03:13,315 --> 00:03:14,616 I wouldn't mind being married 63 00:03:14,649 --> 00:03:16,785 to a poor, doddering old man. 64 00:03:16,818 --> 00:03:19,454 But I've got to agree with her about Dan Howard. 65 00:03:19,487 --> 00:03:22,691 Anybody who'd take a job with him has got to be out of his mind. 66 00:03:22,724 --> 00:03:26,027 Hi! Well, congratulate me! What for? 67 00:03:26,061 --> 00:03:27,596 You're looking at the new head writer 68 00:03:27,629 --> 00:03:29,331 of The Dan Howard Show. 69 00:03:29,364 --> 00:03:31,666 What?! Ta-da! 70 00:03:31,700 --> 00:03:33,468 You're kidding! 71 00:03:33,501 --> 00:03:35,337 Would I be kidding about a thing like that? 72 00:03:35,370 --> 00:03:36,538 I just came from his office, 73 00:03:36,571 --> 00:03:38,073 and everything is all set. 74 00:03:38,106 --> 00:03:40,809 All set? S-e-t, set. 75 00:03:40,842 --> 00:03:44,746 Well...Buddy, it's wonderful, I think. 76 00:03:44,779 --> 00:03:47,415 What kind of reaction is that to good news? 77 00:03:47,449 --> 00:03:48,984 Wonderful, you'd think. 78 00:03:49,017 --> 00:03:50,585 Well, Buddy, it's just that-- 79 00:03:50,619 --> 00:03:52,854 What? Just what? Well-- 80 00:03:52,887 --> 00:03:54,756 Well, well, well. I hope what you're trying to say 81 00:03:54,789 --> 00:03:56,424 is that you'll miss me around here 82 00:03:56,458 --> 00:03:57,892 and you hate to see me go and everything. 83 00:03:57,926 --> 00:03:59,527 Actually, that was the toughest thing 84 00:03:59,561 --> 00:04:01,329 about me accepting the new job. 85 00:04:01,363 --> 00:04:02,831 You really accepted it? 86 00:04:02,864 --> 00:04:04,599 Would I kid about something like that? 87 00:04:06,001 --> 00:04:08,069 Well... 88 00:04:08,103 --> 00:04:10,839 Of course, we're gonna miss you, Buddy. 89 00:04:10,872 --> 00:04:12,874 I mean, if you go. 90 00:04:12,907 --> 00:04:14,509 What do you mean, if I go? 91 00:04:14,542 --> 00:04:15,844 Why shouldn't I take the job? 92 00:04:15,877 --> 00:04:17,812 Well, you know about Dan Howard-- 93 00:04:17,846 --> 00:04:19,881 Dan Howard, Dan Howard. You're talking to Buddy Sorrell. 94 00:04:19,914 --> 00:04:22,550 I've been around a long time. I can handle Dan. 95 00:04:22,584 --> 00:04:24,519 Are you sure you want to handle him? 96 00:04:24,552 --> 00:04:25,787 What's that supposed to mean? 97 00:04:25,820 --> 00:04:27,656 You might be making a mistake. 98 00:04:27,689 --> 00:04:29,391 Is it a mistake to want more money? 99 00:04:29,424 --> 00:04:31,426 Be truthful, Rob. If you were offered 100 00:04:31,459 --> 00:04:33,428 the head writing job on the Dan Howard show 101 00:04:33,461 --> 00:04:35,563 at twice the money, would you turn it down? 102 00:04:35,597 --> 00:04:38,433 Buddy, I was, and I did. 103 00:04:38,466 --> 00:04:40,001 See? You-- 104 00:04:42,103 --> 00:04:43,838 you did? 105 00:04:43,872 --> 00:04:47,008 Honest, Buddy. Rob turned down the same job. 106 00:04:47,042 --> 00:04:48,610 Oh. 107 00:04:50,478 --> 00:04:52,013 Why'd you turn it down? 108 00:04:52,047 --> 00:04:54,716 Because I don't want to work for Dan Howard. 109 00:04:54,749 --> 00:04:58,053 Well, I do. And if you're my friend, 110 00:04:58,086 --> 00:04:59,888 you're gonna help me out right now. 111 00:04:59,921 --> 00:05:01,690 I got a problem. You know I'm your friend. 112 00:05:01,723 --> 00:05:03,391 You gotta help me break my contract here 113 00:05:03,425 --> 00:05:04,926 so I can accept the other job. 114 00:05:04,959 --> 00:05:06,928 You really feel that strongly about it? 115 00:05:06,961 --> 00:05:09,831 I sure do. I've given it a lot of thought. 116 00:05:09,864 --> 00:05:12,534 This is what I want. 117 00:05:13,835 --> 00:05:15,537 Well... 118 00:05:15,570 --> 00:05:17,505 If this is what you want, Buddy. 119 00:05:19,007 --> 00:05:20,742 We're sure gonna miss you around here, 120 00:05:20,775 --> 00:05:22,744 you big nut. 121 00:05:22,777 --> 00:05:25,613 Yeah, I'm gonna miss you guys, too. 122 00:05:25,647 --> 00:05:28,183 Buddy, I sure hate to lose you. 123 00:05:28,216 --> 00:05:30,185 Are you sure you don't want to think it over? 124 00:05:30,218 --> 00:05:32,887 No, I told you, I thought it over. 125 00:05:34,556 --> 00:05:36,658 Okay. 126 00:05:36,691 --> 00:05:39,527 Marge, would you ask Mel to step in here a minute? 127 00:05:41,996 --> 00:05:44,032 Gee, thanks, Rob. Tell you one thing-- 128 00:05:44,065 --> 00:05:46,134 you're gonna make two people very happy. 129 00:05:46,167 --> 00:05:48,103 Two people? Yeah. 130 00:05:48,136 --> 00:05:50,405 Me and that big, hairy ape. 131 00:05:52,540 --> 00:05:54,042 You wanted to see me, Rob? 132 00:05:54,075 --> 00:05:55,877 Yeah, there's something we need your help on. 133 00:05:55,910 --> 00:05:57,779 It concerns Buddy here. 134 00:05:57,812 --> 00:05:59,814 The only thing I'll help him with is his resignation. 135 00:05:59,848 --> 00:06:02,851 Good, good, that's exactly what we want to talk to you about. 136 00:06:02,884 --> 00:06:04,819 Now, just come on, sit down here. 137 00:06:04,853 --> 00:06:07,021 Make yourself nice and comfy. Right down here, sir. 138 00:06:07,055 --> 00:06:09,524 What's this all about? 139 00:06:09,557 --> 00:06:12,460 Mel, Buddy would like his release. 140 00:06:12,494 --> 00:06:13,728 He wants to leave? 141 00:06:18,666 --> 00:06:20,201 Mel? 142 00:06:20,235 --> 00:06:22,137 Mel? Mel? 143 00:06:22,170 --> 00:06:24,038 Look, it's as simple as that. 144 00:06:24,072 --> 00:06:26,040 I want to leave the show, understand? 145 00:06:26,074 --> 00:06:28,109 Look, I'm going. Watch me. 146 00:06:28,143 --> 00:06:29,744 Bye. I'm going. 147 00:06:29,778 --> 00:06:32,013 Mel, Buddy has an offer of a better job 148 00:06:32,046 --> 00:06:33,915 and a chance to be a head writer. 149 00:06:33,948 --> 00:06:36,551 To be rid of him, to be able to walk into this office 150 00:06:36,584 --> 00:06:38,753 without the fear of being verbally assaulted? 151 00:06:38,787 --> 00:06:40,588 Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! 152 00:06:40,622 --> 00:06:42,257 Then it's all right? 153 00:06:42,290 --> 00:06:44,492 No. 154 00:06:44,526 --> 00:06:45,960 No? No? 155 00:06:45,994 --> 00:06:47,896 No. But you just said-- 156 00:06:47,929 --> 00:06:50,131 Never mind what I just said. The answer is no. 157 00:06:50,165 --> 00:06:52,967 And for him, I'll spell it-- N-O. 158 00:06:53,001 --> 00:06:54,636 Mel, why? 159 00:06:54,669 --> 00:06:56,204 For one very good reason. 160 00:06:56,237 --> 00:06:58,573 Our star, Alan Brady, happens to think 161 00:06:58,606 --> 00:07:00,875 he's the best one-line joke writer in the business. 162 00:07:00,909 --> 00:07:02,744 Look, Mel, I don't ask you for many things. 163 00:07:02,777 --> 00:07:04,612 And I appreciate that, Rob. 164 00:07:04,646 --> 00:07:06,781 But you must remember that this is a business. 165 00:07:06,815 --> 00:07:10,018 A glamorous business, yes, but still a business. 166 00:07:10,051 --> 00:07:12,787 As long as he does his job, he'll remain. 167 00:07:12,821 --> 00:07:15,690 I don't want him, but our star, Alan Brady, does. 168 00:07:15,723 --> 00:07:18,960 So he'll stay until Alan discovers, as I did, 169 00:07:18,993 --> 00:07:21,596 that it's possible to hire talented writers 170 00:07:21,629 --> 00:07:23,965 who are not insufferable boors. 171 00:07:23,998 --> 00:07:25,834 Any other questions? 172 00:07:25,867 --> 00:07:28,870 Yeah. Where can I buy a bald-headed voodoo doll? 173 00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:33,842 Sally, Rob, believe me, 174 00:07:33,875 --> 00:07:36,678 nothing would make me happier than to fire him. 175 00:07:39,914 --> 00:07:42,817 How do you like that guy? The one big chance of my life, 176 00:07:42,851 --> 00:07:45,086 and that idiot has to go ruin it. 177 00:07:45,119 --> 00:07:48,289 Well, it's just like my mother always says-- 178 00:07:48,323 --> 00:07:50,325 the Sun isn't always shining 179 00:07:50,358 --> 00:07:52,560 just because there are sparrows. 180 00:07:55,697 --> 00:07:57,732 What's that supposed to mean? 181 00:07:57,765 --> 00:07:59,834 I don't know, but ain't it pretty? 182 00:08:01,169 --> 00:08:03,238 I'm sorry, Buddy. We did our best. 183 00:08:03,271 --> 00:08:05,907 No, you didn't. 184 00:08:05,940 --> 00:08:08,343 Buddy, you heard me ask Mel for your release. 185 00:08:08,376 --> 00:08:11,012 And you heard Mel say that you were too good to lose. 186 00:08:11,045 --> 00:08:13,715 Yeah, and I also heard Mel say that if I wasn't doing my job 187 00:08:13,748 --> 00:08:16,150 and if he got an okay from Alan Brady, he could fire me. 188 00:08:16,184 --> 00:08:18,953 So? So write a letter to Alan Brady. 189 00:08:18,987 --> 00:08:20,889 Tell him I'm a no-talent bum. 190 00:08:20,922 --> 00:08:23,691 But that's not so! So lie a little! 191 00:08:23,725 --> 00:08:25,159 Buddy, I am not gonna lie for you. 192 00:08:25,193 --> 00:08:27,829 You're supposed to be my friend! I am. 193 00:08:27,862 --> 00:08:30,231 Then exaggerate! There must be something wrong with me. 194 00:08:30,265 --> 00:08:33,835 No, Buddy, it is not right. And besides, Mel is not gonna fall for it. 195 00:08:33,868 --> 00:08:35,169 I might. 196 00:08:37,405 --> 00:08:39,807 Mel Cooley, you were listening at that door. 197 00:08:39,841 --> 00:08:42,710 And I heard every word. Look, I'll level with you. 198 00:08:42,744 --> 00:08:45,246 If Alan wants to let him go, then I'm off the hook. 199 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:47,382 Shall we get to the memo? 200 00:08:47,415 --> 00:08:49,317 Good. I'll type, you dictate. 201 00:08:49,350 --> 00:08:51,185 You know all those college words. 202 00:08:51,219 --> 00:08:53,721 All right. But I think you're making a big mistake. 203 00:08:53,755 --> 00:08:56,124 All set for you right there. Talk slow. 204 00:08:56,157 --> 00:08:58,760 All right. 205 00:08:58,793 --> 00:09:02,297 Memo to Mel Cooley with a carbon copy to Alan Brady. 206 00:09:02,330 --> 00:09:04,666 Dear Mel... 207 00:09:04,699 --> 00:09:07,902 There's a situation concerning the writing staff 208 00:09:07,936 --> 00:09:10,872 which I believe merits your attention. 209 00:09:10,905 --> 00:09:13,107 Wait a minute! You're too polite. 210 00:09:13,141 --> 00:09:15,209 You gotta louse me up more. 211 00:09:15,243 --> 00:09:18,746 Yes, what you need is some good, honest hatred. I'll dictate it. 212 00:09:21,683 --> 00:09:23,651 During the past season, 213 00:09:23,685 --> 00:09:25,987 Buddy Sorrell has not contributed one idea, 214 00:09:26,020 --> 00:09:27,989 joke or fresh thought. 215 00:09:28,022 --> 00:09:30,024 Beautiful. Sal, tell him about 216 00:09:30,058 --> 00:09:31,859 how I sleep on the couch all day 217 00:09:31,893 --> 00:09:33,795 and I'm always coming in late. 218 00:09:33,828 --> 00:09:36,931 He has been distracting Sally Rogers and myself, 219 00:09:36,965 --> 00:09:39,667 and what was once a serviceable talent 220 00:09:39,701 --> 00:09:43,071 has deteriorated into an office clown. 221 00:09:43,104 --> 00:09:46,274 Wonderful. Curly, if I ever want to get sent to the chair, 222 00:09:46,307 --> 00:09:48,710 you're gonna be my lawyer. 223 00:09:48,743 --> 00:09:52,380 There is only course of action-- 224 00:09:52,413 --> 00:09:54,949 total and complete release from the show. 225 00:09:54,983 --> 00:09:56,918 Yours very truly, Robert Petrie. 226 00:09:56,951 --> 00:09:58,686 Boy, that ought to do it. 227 00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:00,955 I certainly hope so. Yeah. 228 00:10:00,989 --> 00:10:03,191 Well, Rob... Sign it. 229 00:10:03,224 --> 00:10:05,259 Come on, Rob. Right here. 230 00:10:05,293 --> 00:10:07,161 Buddy, I don't feel right about this. 231 00:10:07,195 --> 00:10:08,763 I don't, either. 232 00:10:08,796 --> 00:10:10,064 Come on, here's the pen. Nothing to it. 233 00:10:10,098 --> 00:10:11,432 "Robert Petrie"-- that's all. 234 00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:20,808 Ah, there it is. 235 00:10:20,842 --> 00:10:23,011 My own little declaration of independence. 236 00:10:23,044 --> 00:10:26,247 Thomas Jefferson, I thank you. 237 00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:29,050 I feel more like Benedict Arnold. 238 00:10:29,083 --> 00:10:31,986 Buddy, I cherish this moment. 239 00:10:32,020 --> 00:10:34,756 Never in my entire life have I been happier 240 00:10:34,789 --> 00:10:36,891 to say good-bye to anyone. 241 00:10:36,924 --> 00:10:39,227 Good-bye forever. 242 00:10:39,260 --> 00:10:43,464 Mel, in the many years of our association, 243 00:10:43,498 --> 00:10:46,868 I know I've said a lot of unkind things about your bald head. 244 00:10:46,901 --> 00:10:49,404 And I'm sorry... 245 00:10:49,437 --> 00:10:52,273 I didn't mention the rest of your ugly puss. 246 00:10:58,980 --> 00:11:01,315 One last yechh! 247 00:11:15,063 --> 00:11:16,998 Rob, the more I think about it, 248 00:11:17,031 --> 00:11:19,434 the more I'm convinced you shouldn't have sent that memo. 249 00:11:19,467 --> 00:11:22,303 Honey, for the tenth time, it's what Buddy wanted. 250 00:11:22,336 --> 00:11:24,272 Wanted or not, you shouldn't have signed it. 251 00:11:24,305 --> 00:11:27,008 It got him his release. That's all he cared about. 252 00:11:27,041 --> 00:11:29,177 There must've been some other way. 253 00:11:29,210 --> 00:11:31,045 Laurie, will you please relax? 254 00:11:31,079 --> 00:11:33,181 It's my day off, and I don't want to think about it. 255 00:11:35,416 --> 00:11:37,118 Honey, what did you want me to write here? 256 00:11:37,151 --> 00:11:39,253 A note to Ritchie's kindergarten teacher 257 00:11:39,287 --> 00:11:41,322 telling her that you will talk to him about his behavior. 258 00:11:41,355 --> 00:11:45,059 What'd he do? He ate his paste. 259 00:11:45,093 --> 00:11:47,261 ( DOORBELL RINGS ) 260 00:11:51,833 --> 00:11:53,301 I'll get it. 261 00:11:56,003 --> 00:11:57,905 Hi, Buddy. Oh, hi, Rob. 262 00:11:57,939 --> 00:11:59,841 Hi, Buddy. Hello, Laura. 263 00:11:59,874 --> 00:12:01,943 What are you doing in our neck of the woods? 264 00:12:01,976 --> 00:12:03,277 Just taking a little ride, 265 00:12:03,311 --> 00:12:05,079 thought I'd drop by and say hello. 266 00:12:05,113 --> 00:12:06,981 I'm not interrupting anything, am I? 267 00:12:07,014 --> 00:12:08,449 No, as a matter of fact, we were just talking about you. 268 00:12:08,483 --> 00:12:10,451 Oh. about my new job? 269 00:12:10,485 --> 00:12:12,220 Yeah. 270 00:12:12,253 --> 00:12:14,822 Well, you can forget it. I didn't get the job. 271 00:12:14,856 --> 00:12:16,557 You didn't get the job? 272 00:12:16,591 --> 00:12:19,861 No. I haven't told anybody about it, not even my wife. 273 00:12:19,894 --> 00:12:22,029 Buddy, I thought it was all set. 274 00:12:22,063 --> 00:12:24,432 Yeah, it was all set, except for one little thing. 275 00:12:24,465 --> 00:12:26,000 A reference. 276 00:12:26,033 --> 00:12:27,602 Well, I'll give you a reference. 277 00:12:27,635 --> 00:12:28,870 You already gave me one. 278 00:12:28,903 --> 00:12:30,872 What do you mean? 279 00:12:30,905 --> 00:12:32,473 Dan Howard wanted to check on me, 280 00:12:32,507 --> 00:12:34,909 get a reference, so he called his best friend. 281 00:12:34,942 --> 00:12:37,445 Who's that? Alan Brady. 282 00:12:37,478 --> 00:12:39,614 And Alan read him the memo. 283 00:12:39,647 --> 00:12:42,150 Looks like I'm finished. 284 00:12:42,183 --> 00:12:44,085 Oh, Buddy, it can't be that bad. 285 00:12:44,118 --> 00:12:46,087 Are you kidding? Dan Howard's got it spread 286 00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:47,989 all over town by now. 287 00:12:48,022 --> 00:12:49,991 Mel Cooley right now 288 00:12:50,024 --> 00:12:53,928 is probably the happiest bald-headed producer in television. 289 00:12:53,961 --> 00:12:56,564 Rob, could you talk to Mel and explain it? 290 00:12:56,597 --> 00:12:59,967 Honey, Mel was there. He helped write the memo. 291 00:13:00,001 --> 00:13:03,070 It's not Rob's fault. It's my own fault, the whole thing. 292 00:13:03,104 --> 00:13:06,440 Mel is sitting there, probably clapping his hands together. 293 00:13:06,474 --> 00:13:08,543 I think this whole affair is just shameful. 294 00:13:08,576 --> 00:13:10,478 It wasn't supposed to turn out this way. 295 00:13:10,511 --> 00:13:12,146 It was supposed to be the opposite. 296 00:13:12,180 --> 00:13:14,048 Buddy should be happy now. 297 00:13:14,081 --> 00:13:16,083 Look, I didn't come up here to depress anybody. 298 00:13:16,117 --> 00:13:19,487 I just want to know-- how do you spell "unemployment"? 299 00:13:22,623 --> 00:13:26,227 Buddy, you want me to talk to Mel about getting your job back? 300 00:13:26,260 --> 00:13:29,397 Hey, you think you could? 301 00:13:29,430 --> 00:13:32,266 Yeah. I'll talk to him Monday and see what I can do. 302 00:13:32,300 --> 00:13:34,302 Good. Hey, uh... 303 00:13:34,335 --> 00:13:36,370 That's real nice of you, Rob. 304 00:13:36,404 --> 00:13:39,106 Listen, I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for me. 305 00:13:39,140 --> 00:13:41,175 I happen to think we need you down at that office. 306 00:13:41,209 --> 00:13:43,077 I'm glad Dan Howard didn't get you. 307 00:13:43,110 --> 00:13:45,179 Whether you mean it or not, it sure sounds good. 308 00:13:45,213 --> 00:13:46,914 You'll let me know if you hear anything? 309 00:13:46,948 --> 00:13:48,349 Yeah, I'll call. Bye. 310 00:13:48,382 --> 00:13:49,951 So long, Laura. Bye, Buddy. 311 00:13:49,984 --> 00:13:51,319 Bye, Buddy. 312 00:13:52,653 --> 00:13:54,322 He must really be upset. 313 00:13:54,355 --> 00:13:56,691 I've never seen Buddy so depressed. 314 00:13:56,724 --> 00:14:00,228 Well, getting fired is pretty depressing. 315 00:14:03,331 --> 00:14:05,199 Honey, what did you want me to write down here? 316 00:14:05,233 --> 00:14:07,668 A note to Ritchie's teacher. 317 00:14:07,702 --> 00:14:09,470 About the paste. 318 00:14:09,503 --> 00:14:10,671 Oh. 319 00:14:12,406 --> 00:14:15,409 Honey, you'd better write it. If I sign it, 320 00:14:15,443 --> 00:14:17,945 I'm liable to get him kicked out of kindergarten. 321 00:14:24,719 --> 00:14:27,655 Well, here's another one, chief. 322 00:14:27,688 --> 00:14:30,958 Boy, it sure was tough writing this week's script without Buddy. 323 00:14:30,992 --> 00:14:32,593 Hmm. 324 00:14:32,627 --> 00:14:34,395 You know something, Rob? 325 00:14:34,428 --> 00:14:36,731 I sure miss that slob. 326 00:14:36,764 --> 00:14:39,033 So do I. 327 00:14:39,066 --> 00:14:41,035 Trouble is, Mel doesn't care how tough it is 328 00:14:41,068 --> 00:14:42,370 or how much we miss Buddy, 329 00:14:42,403 --> 00:14:44,105 as long as we turn out good scripts 330 00:14:44,138 --> 00:14:46,007 like that one on time. 331 00:14:49,110 --> 00:14:51,145 Hey. What? 332 00:14:51,178 --> 00:14:52,613 Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 333 00:14:52,647 --> 00:14:54,148 I'm thinking exactly what you're thinking. 334 00:14:54,181 --> 00:14:55,483 What are you thinking? 335 00:14:55,516 --> 00:14:57,318 I'm thinking we came up 336 00:14:57,351 --> 00:14:59,353 with that script too soon 337 00:14:59,387 --> 00:15:01,355 and, uh, too good. 338 00:15:01,389 --> 00:15:03,457 And too easy. Yeah. 339 00:15:03,491 --> 00:15:05,626 All right, let's show him how tough it is to work without Buddy. 340 00:15:05,660 --> 00:15:07,461 Come on, let's panic around here. 341 00:15:07,495 --> 00:15:09,463 Spread a little panic around the office. 342 00:15:09,497 --> 00:15:11,499 Make it look hard. 343 00:15:11,532 --> 00:15:14,335 Oh, there we are. How about that? 344 00:15:14,368 --> 00:15:16,570 Take off your tie. Open your collar. 345 00:15:16,604 --> 00:15:18,406 ( LAUGHTER ) 346 00:15:18,439 --> 00:15:21,142 Boy, I sure like this. This is fun. 347 00:15:23,210 --> 00:15:26,380 Hi, Mel. Oh, hello, Mel. 348 00:15:26,414 --> 00:15:29,717 What are you two, writers or litterbugs? 349 00:15:29,750 --> 00:15:31,419 Well, we're hard at work. 350 00:15:31,452 --> 00:15:33,487 What's that, next week's script? 351 00:15:33,521 --> 00:15:36,724 Yes, Mel, we had a little trouble getting started with it. 352 00:15:36,757 --> 00:15:38,259 But we're doing fine now, Mel. 353 00:15:38,292 --> 00:15:39,760 We're up to page 4. 354 00:15:39,794 --> 00:15:43,030 Page 4? Last Friday, you were on page 10. 355 00:15:43,064 --> 00:15:45,166 I know, Mel, but we had to throw all of that stuff out. 356 00:15:45,199 --> 00:15:47,201 There's only two of us working here. 357 00:15:47,234 --> 00:15:50,037 Yeah, Mel. Two of us. 358 00:15:50,071 --> 00:15:53,307 And it's a big show. It's a three-man job. 359 00:15:53,341 --> 00:15:54,775 I see what you're doing. 360 00:15:54,809 --> 00:15:57,345 You're asking for a third writer. 361 00:15:57,378 --> 00:15:59,747 All right, I'll give you permission to hire one. 362 00:15:59,780 --> 00:16:02,283 That shows you how much faith I have in your judgment. 363 00:16:02,316 --> 00:16:04,752 Hire whomever you please. Good. 364 00:16:04,785 --> 00:16:06,387 But not Buddy. 365 00:16:12,259 --> 00:16:14,495 Well, that fell flat. 366 00:16:14,528 --> 00:16:17,264 And who's gonna clean up this mess? 367 00:16:17,298 --> 00:16:19,500 You, Sally. Who else? 368 00:16:19,533 --> 00:16:21,268 Doggone it, if only Buddy 369 00:16:21,302 --> 00:16:23,237 hadn't been so nasty. 370 00:16:23,270 --> 00:16:25,473 He couldn't have been nastier if he made a living at it. 371 00:16:25,506 --> 00:16:28,309 Make a living at it. 372 00:16:30,211 --> 00:16:32,179 Sally, that's it. 373 00:16:32,213 --> 00:16:36,550 Suppose I hire somebody nastier than Buddy. 374 00:16:36,584 --> 00:16:39,153 I thought Jack The Ripper was dead. 375 00:16:39,186 --> 00:16:42,723 Who can be nastier to Mel than Buddy? 376 00:16:42,757 --> 00:16:44,658 Mel's wife? 377 00:16:46,861 --> 00:16:49,830 No, somebody who makes a living at it. 378 00:16:49,864 --> 00:16:52,533 Who makes a living at insulting people? 379 00:16:52,566 --> 00:16:54,301 Nightclub comedians do. 380 00:16:54,335 --> 00:16:56,103 They're always bothered by hecklers. 381 00:16:56,137 --> 00:16:58,205 They have to have a good supply of insults. 382 00:16:58,239 --> 00:17:00,608 Don't you get it? We hire a nightclub comedian, 383 00:17:00,641 --> 00:17:02,843 have him come in here and insult Mel. 384 00:17:02,877 --> 00:17:06,680 But who could we get? I'll bet Jackie Brewster would do it. 385 00:17:06,714 --> 00:17:08,849 Hey, he's a good friend of mine. 386 00:17:08,883 --> 00:17:10,885 He'd be great. Is he in town? 387 00:17:10,918 --> 00:17:12,353 Sure. 388 00:17:12,386 --> 00:17:13,754 Yeah, but would he do it? 389 00:17:13,788 --> 00:17:15,689 Sure, he'd do it. He's a good friend. 390 00:17:15,723 --> 00:17:18,092 Besides, what have we got to lose? 391 00:17:21,429 --> 00:17:23,731 Our jobs. Our jobs. 392 00:17:23,764 --> 00:17:26,367 Jackie, we really appreciate you giving us a hand with this. 393 00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:28,569 Forget it. Buddy helped me get in the business. 394 00:17:28,602 --> 00:17:30,471 If I can help him get his job back, wonderful. 395 00:17:30,504 --> 00:17:32,573 But there's only one thing, Rob-- 396 00:17:32,606 --> 00:17:34,708 suppose Mel recognizes him. He might've seen him in a nightclub. 397 00:17:34,742 --> 00:17:36,744 Don't worry about that, Sal. 398 00:17:36,777 --> 00:17:38,813 You know what happens when they introduce me in a nightclub? 399 00:17:38,846 --> 00:17:41,215 A guy comes out and says, "here's Jackie Brewster!" 400 00:17:41,248 --> 00:17:43,751 And the whole audience says, "Who's he?" 401 00:17:43,784 --> 00:17:47,688 More people know me as "who's he" than "Jackie Brewster". 402 00:17:47,721 --> 00:17:49,457 We have no problem there at all. 403 00:17:49,490 --> 00:17:51,659 Mel has never been in a nightclub in his life. 404 00:17:51,692 --> 00:17:54,562 Never been in a nightclub? I hate him already. 405 00:17:54,595 --> 00:17:56,730 Well, I don't think we have any problem at all. 406 00:17:56,764 --> 00:17:58,833 I don't think Mel's been anyplace. 407 00:17:58,866 --> 00:18:00,534 How'd he get to be a big T.V. producer? 408 00:18:00,568 --> 00:18:03,637 Easy. He married the star's sister. 409 00:18:03,671 --> 00:18:05,639 Oh. 410 00:18:05,673 --> 00:18:07,808 He's a brother-in-law. 411 00:18:07,842 --> 00:18:10,644 Gee, Jackie, you're a doll for doing this. 412 00:18:10,678 --> 00:18:13,547 Buddy's my buddy. He'd do the same thing for me. 413 00:18:13,581 --> 00:18:15,716 Well, fellas, ready to get the show on the road? 414 00:18:15,749 --> 00:18:17,952 Okay. let me make sure I have everything right. 415 00:18:17,985 --> 00:18:19,787 You'll introduce me as the new writer. 416 00:18:19,820 --> 00:18:21,555 Then I give him the zinger, right? 417 00:18:21,589 --> 00:18:22,790 You just keep insulting him 418 00:18:22,823 --> 00:18:24,191 until he yells, "Buddy." 419 00:18:24,225 --> 00:18:25,926 Don't let up on him. 420 00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:28,796 Keep killing him with insults. Go, go. 421 00:18:28,829 --> 00:18:30,297 Put him out of his misery. 422 00:18:30,331 --> 00:18:32,533 Kind of like a mercy killing. 423 00:18:32,566 --> 00:18:35,202 ( IMITATING JAMES CAGNEY ) Okay, you go get the guy 424 00:18:35,236 --> 00:18:38,772 who fired the guy--mmm-- who was the first guy--mmm-- 425 00:18:38,806 --> 00:18:41,408 who knew me--mmm-- gotta get those teeth fixed. 426 00:18:41,442 --> 00:18:44,378 When I was the guy. Okay, you go do that. Go get him. 427 00:18:44,411 --> 00:18:46,247 ( LAUGHTER ) 428 00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:48,282 Gee, I'm a little nervous about this. 429 00:18:48,315 --> 00:18:50,417 There's usually a stage between me and the audience, 430 00:18:50,451 --> 00:18:52,620 and I don't insult people till they insult me first. 431 00:18:52,653 --> 00:18:54,755 Well, just remember, it's for a good cause. 432 00:18:54,788 --> 00:18:56,724 He's not the violent type, is he? 433 00:18:56,757 --> 00:18:58,425 I mean, I like Buddy, but I wouldn't want 434 00:18:58,459 --> 00:18:59,994 to get hit in the head with a typewriter. 435 00:19:00,027 --> 00:19:01,896 No, he's not the violent type. 436 00:19:01,929 --> 00:19:04,732 He's more like, uh-- like that. 437 00:19:05,933 --> 00:19:07,535 Well, who's he? 438 00:19:07,568 --> 00:19:09,803 See? He knows me already. 439 00:19:15,309 --> 00:19:16,977 Mel, this is our new writer. 440 00:19:17,011 --> 00:19:19,313 And I screened a lot of good men before I hired him. 441 00:19:19,346 --> 00:19:21,415 Jackie, this is Mel Cooley, our producer. 442 00:19:21,448 --> 00:19:23,717 Mel, this is Jackie Brew-brew-- 443 00:19:23,751 --> 00:19:25,519 Brewbrew. 444 00:19:25,553 --> 00:19:26,921 Brewbrew. 445 00:19:28,923 --> 00:19:32,359 That's certainly an unusual name, Mr. Brewbrew. 446 00:19:32,393 --> 00:19:35,529 Yes, it is. My father stuttered. 447 00:19:37,531 --> 00:19:39,567 I don't believe I know your work. 448 00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:42,002 What have you done? About what? 449 00:19:45,739 --> 00:19:47,942 Like work. 450 00:19:47,975 --> 00:19:50,311 Uh, Mr. Brewbrew hasn't done too much television writing, Mel. 451 00:19:50,344 --> 00:19:52,313 That's right. For the last couple of years, 452 00:19:52,346 --> 00:19:53,814 I've been translating the works of Shakespeare 453 00:19:53,847 --> 00:19:55,449 into pig Latin. 454 00:19:56,784 --> 00:19:59,019 Good sense of humor. 455 00:19:59,053 --> 00:20:00,988 I like you. My hand. Really? 456 00:20:02,823 --> 00:20:04,725 Is that your hand? 457 00:20:04,758 --> 00:20:07,294 It looks more like five fat worms. 458 00:20:09,463 --> 00:20:11,565 I beg your pardon? Why? 459 00:20:11,599 --> 00:20:14,568 You can't help it if you have worm fingers. 460 00:20:14,602 --> 00:20:16,570 Does it run in your family? 461 00:20:16,604 --> 00:20:18,739 Now, look, Mr. Brewbrew-- 462 00:20:18,772 --> 00:20:21,075 No, no, no, no. Don't make a mistake. 463 00:20:21,108 --> 00:20:22,910 You couldn't hear what you were saying. You had your tongue 464 00:20:22,943 --> 00:20:25,012 in the way of your eye tooth and couldn't see it. 465 00:20:25,045 --> 00:20:27,615 Ha ha ha ha! Now, don't make a mistake. 466 00:20:27,648 --> 00:20:29,917 Just keep talking nice, with round tones. 467 00:20:29,950 --> 00:20:31,585 Do you know who I am? 468 00:20:31,619 --> 00:20:33,587 Don't you know who you are? 469 00:20:36,924 --> 00:20:38,993 When you find out, don't tell anybody! 470 00:20:39,026 --> 00:20:40,661 I have a question for you. 471 00:20:40,694 --> 00:20:42,329 Come right over here. 472 00:20:42,363 --> 00:20:43,897 Do you pluck your scalp? 473 00:20:45,966 --> 00:20:47,868 Oh, this is wonderful! It's the first time 474 00:20:47,901 --> 00:20:50,371 I ever saw a bongo with glasses. 475 00:20:51,605 --> 00:20:53,374 Rob, is this a rib?! 476 00:20:53,407 --> 00:20:55,843 No, no, no, this is an arm. This is a rib. 477 00:20:55,876 --> 00:20:58,512 Do you feel the difference? This is an arm. This is a rib. 478 00:20:58,545 --> 00:21:00,914 I want you to recite after me. Think, think, think. 479 00:21:00,948 --> 00:21:03,384 This is an arm. This is a rib. This is an arm. This is a rib. 480 00:21:03,417 --> 00:21:05,519 You got it? This is an arm. This is a rib. 481 00:21:05,552 --> 00:21:07,087 Rob! No, no, no. 482 00:21:07,121 --> 00:21:09,590 Not "Rob", "rib". You're not listening to me. 483 00:21:09,623 --> 00:21:10,858 You're not paying attention! 484 00:21:10,891 --> 00:21:12,660 You're gonna flunk, Melvin. 485 00:21:12,693 --> 00:21:14,428 Matter of fact, you look like a flunky. 486 00:21:14,461 --> 00:21:16,463 Rob, tell me what's going on! 487 00:21:16,497 --> 00:21:18,465 Going on? Going on? 488 00:21:18,499 --> 00:21:20,367 Sit down, I'll tell you. I'm from the FBI. 489 00:21:20,401 --> 00:21:22,369 FBI.? FBI. That's you. 490 00:21:22,403 --> 00:21:24,371 "fat, bald and ignorant"! 491 00:21:27,608 --> 00:21:29,877 Did he sign a contract? 492 00:21:29,910 --> 00:21:31,445 No, Mel, that's why he's here. 493 00:21:31,478 --> 00:21:33,080 Get him out. Get him out! 494 00:21:33,113 --> 00:21:34,682 Mel, I need a third writer. 495 00:21:34,715 --> 00:21:36,650 Out, out, out! Get me anybody else! 496 00:21:36,684 --> 00:21:38,686 Even Buddy? Wait a minute! Before you leave... 497 00:21:38,719 --> 00:21:40,821 Remember, this is an arm. This is a rib. 498 00:21:40,854 --> 00:21:43,691 ( INDISTINCT SHOUTING ) 499 00:21:45,492 --> 00:21:48,462 Get me Buddy! 500 00:21:48,495 --> 00:21:51,398 Hey, brother-in-law! You're great! 501 00:22:02,543 --> 00:22:03,911 How did I do? 502 00:22:03,944 --> 00:22:05,946 Oh, you were wonderful, Jackie. 503 00:22:05,979 --> 00:22:07,881 It was the most beautiful piece of surgery 504 00:22:07,915 --> 00:22:10,017 I ever saw in my life. 505 00:22:10,050 --> 00:22:12,086 I don't know what to do for you. I'd like to kiss you. 506 00:22:12,119 --> 00:22:13,887 If you really want to do something for me, 507 00:22:13,921 --> 00:22:15,456 let her kiss me! 508 00:22:15,489 --> 00:22:17,991 ( LAUGHTER ) 509 00:22:27,568 --> 00:22:29,503 Buddy, we went to a lot of trouble for you. 510 00:22:29,536 --> 00:22:31,105 Will you please behave yourself? 511 00:22:31,138 --> 00:22:32,940 Please, Buddy? 512 00:22:32,973 --> 00:22:34,975 No more bald-headed jokes, huh? 513 00:22:35,008 --> 00:22:37,444 Why do you want to insult Mel like that anyway? 514 00:22:37,478 --> 00:22:40,080 I don't like him. For one thing, he's too tall. 515 00:22:40,114 --> 00:22:42,750 Rob's just as tall. 516 00:22:42,783 --> 00:22:44,918 Yeah, but he's not nasty about it. 517 00:22:44,952 --> 00:22:46,987 At least when Rob stands next to me, he slumps a little. 518 00:22:48,622 --> 00:22:51,058 Good evening, Sally, Rob. 519 00:22:51,091 --> 00:22:53,060 Well, here's Buddy's contract, 520 00:22:53,093 --> 00:22:55,529 signed, sealed and delivered. 521 00:22:55,562 --> 00:22:58,832 Hey, is that it? Is it all official now? 522 00:22:58,866 --> 00:23:01,168 You mean-- just a minute, Mel, sir. 523 00:23:01,201 --> 00:23:04,138 You mean I'm back on the job? They can't fire me or nothin'? 524 00:23:04,171 --> 00:23:06,573 ( LAUGHTER ) 525 00:23:06,607 --> 00:23:09,743 Goldilocks... 526 00:23:09,777 --> 00:23:11,779 I'm very happy you're wearing that hat, 527 00:23:11,812 --> 00:23:13,514 because there's a lot of woodpeckers in town. 528 00:23:15,549 --> 00:23:17,751 And if I were you, I'd darken the eyebrows a little bit, 529 00:23:17,785 --> 00:23:19,219 because your face is starting to look 530 00:23:19,253 --> 00:23:22,723 like you neck is blowing bubble gum. 531 00:23:22,756 --> 00:23:25,993 You know that this guy has to carry his dandruff around in his hands? 532 00:23:26,026 --> 00:23:28,629 It's a wonder when you walk down the street, 533 00:23:28,662 --> 00:23:31,098 people don't want to put their finger in your ear and start bowling. 534 00:23:31,131 --> 00:23:33,867 ( LAUGHING ) 535 00:23:33,901 --> 00:23:35,769 Hey, what's the matter with him? 536 00:23:35,803 --> 00:23:38,205 I give him my best baldy jokes, and he keeps laughing. 537 00:23:38,238 --> 00:23:41,208 Good night, Sally, Rob. 538 00:23:41,241 --> 00:23:43,777 Your jokes about my sparseness of hair 539 00:23:43,811 --> 00:23:46,213 no longer bother me. 540 00:23:46,246 --> 00:23:47,981 Good night. 541 00:24:02,996 --> 00:24:05,132 ~~39913

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