Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:09,225 --> 00:00:07,657
~~
3
00:00:35,924 --> 00:00:38,193
Hi, honey. Hi.
4
00:00:41,763 --> 00:00:44,199
What kind of a hello kiss is that?
5
00:00:44,232 --> 00:00:45,867
That is not a hello kiss.
6
00:00:45,901 --> 00:00:48,136
That is a "what-do you-think-happened to-me-today
7
00:00:48,170 --> 00:00:49,704
and-when-you-hear-it, you're-gonna-go-whee" kiss.
8
00:00:49,738 --> 00:00:52,174
What happened?
9
00:00:52,207 --> 00:00:55,410
Oh, nothing much. Well, what?
10
00:00:55,444 --> 00:00:57,646
What prominent comedy television writer--
11
00:00:57,679 --> 00:01:01,216
whose wife is currently holding a dripping spoon--
12
00:01:01,249 --> 00:01:04,853
was offered a job today at twice the money he is now making?
13
00:01:04,886 --> 00:01:06,321
Whee!
14
00:01:06,354 --> 00:01:08,924
With a staff of five writers.
15
00:01:08,957 --> 00:01:12,761
Whee! With my own private secretary.
16
00:01:12,794 --> 00:01:14,196
( CLEARS THROAT)
17
00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:21,403
and the most exciting part of all? I turned it down.
18
00:01:21,436 --> 00:01:23,472
You what? Why?
19
00:01:23,505 --> 00:01:25,540
Because, honey, if I took that job,
20
00:01:25,574 --> 00:01:27,676
in about three months, this gorgeous hunk of man
21
00:01:27,709 --> 00:01:29,611
that you call your loving husband would be reduced...
22
00:01:29,644 --> 00:01:33,882
( WEAK VOICE ) to a doddering, nervous old man.
23
00:01:33,915 --> 00:01:36,418
They offered you the Dan Howard show? Right.
24
00:01:36,451 --> 00:01:38,320
Oh, thank goodness you turned it down.
25
00:01:38,353 --> 00:01:39,788
I'm proud of you, darling.
26
00:01:39,821 --> 00:01:41,723
I'm proud of me, too. It's not every day
27
00:01:41,756 --> 00:01:43,959
a guy gets offered that kind of money and position.
28
00:01:43,992 --> 00:01:46,228
I'm proud because you turned it down.
29
00:01:46,261 --> 00:01:48,330
Are you sure, honey? You'd better think that over.
30
00:01:48,363 --> 00:01:49,865
That's a lot of money.
31
00:01:49,898 --> 00:01:53,301
You sure you want me poor and happy like this?
32
00:01:53,335 --> 00:01:57,339
( WEAK VOICE ) or do you want me rich and old like that?
33
00:01:57,372 --> 00:01:59,374
I want you just the way you are.
34
00:01:59,407 --> 00:02:02,344
I'd think it over, honey. Give it some thought.
35
00:02:02,377 --> 00:02:04,980
( WEAK VOICE ) That's an awful lot of money, honey.
36
00:02:05,013 --> 00:02:06,882
Rob, stop that.
37
00:02:06,915 --> 00:02:08,783
Let me put it this way--
38
00:02:08,817 --> 00:02:11,486
I have a happy, semi-well-adjusted husband
39
00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:13,955
who comes home and greets me with a smile and a kiss,
40
00:02:13,989 --> 00:02:16,491
and I'd rather have that than all the money in the world.
41
00:02:16,525 --> 00:02:19,294
Yeah? Yeah. So how about a smile?
42
00:02:19,327 --> 00:02:21,596
And a kiss?
43
00:02:21,630 --> 00:02:23,798
That's what I want.
44
00:02:23,832 --> 00:02:28,236
Hey, I didn't realize I was such a great smiler and kisser.
45
00:02:28,270 --> 00:02:31,473
( GROWLS )
46
00:02:31,506 --> 00:02:34,576
No, honey, I couldn't work for a guy like Dan Howard.
47
00:02:34,609 --> 00:02:37,279
Although, you know, they asked me to recommend somebody.
48
00:02:37,312 --> 00:02:38,980
Did you? No, who could I recommend?
49
00:02:39,014 --> 00:02:41,516
I don't hate anybody that much.
50
00:02:41,550 --> 00:02:43,919
A writer would have to be out of his mind
51
00:02:43,952 --> 00:02:46,354
to go work for Dan Howard.
52
00:02:46,388 --> 00:02:48,557
Although there is one possibility.
53
00:02:48,590 --> 00:02:51,026
What? If we could only find a writer...
54
00:02:51,059 --> 00:02:54,496
( WEAK VOICE ) who is already a nervous, doddering old man.
55
00:02:54,529 --> 00:02:56,798
Rob, stop that. Give us a little kiss, honey.
56
00:02:56,831 --> 00:02:59,801
Stop it! Don't do that!
57
00:02:59,834 --> 00:03:01,369
All right, I won't do it.
58
00:03:01,403 --> 00:03:02,771
Oh, stop!
59
00:03:05,874 --> 00:03:08,610
Well, that's where Laura and I differ.
60
00:03:08,643 --> 00:03:10,779
You see, I wouldn't mind being married
61
00:03:10,812 --> 00:03:13,281
to a rich, doddering old man.
62
00:03:13,315 --> 00:03:14,616
I wouldn't mind being married
63
00:03:14,649 --> 00:03:16,785
to a poor, doddering old man.
64
00:03:16,818 --> 00:03:19,454
But I've got to agree with her about Dan Howard.
65
00:03:19,487 --> 00:03:22,691
Anybody who'd take a job with him has got to be out of his mind.
66
00:03:22,724 --> 00:03:26,027
Hi! Well, congratulate me! What for?
67
00:03:26,061 --> 00:03:27,596
You're looking at the new head writer
68
00:03:27,629 --> 00:03:29,331
of The Dan Howard Show.
69
00:03:29,364 --> 00:03:31,666
What?! Ta-da!
70
00:03:31,700 --> 00:03:33,468
You're kidding!
71
00:03:33,501 --> 00:03:35,337
Would I be kidding about a thing like that?
72
00:03:35,370 --> 00:03:36,538
I just came from his office,
73
00:03:36,571 --> 00:03:38,073
and everything is all set.
74
00:03:38,106 --> 00:03:40,809
All set? S-e-t, set.
75
00:03:40,842 --> 00:03:44,746
Well...Buddy, it's wonderful, I think.
76
00:03:44,779 --> 00:03:47,415
What kind of reaction is that to good news?
77
00:03:47,449 --> 00:03:48,984
Wonderful, you'd think.
78
00:03:49,017 --> 00:03:50,585
Well, Buddy, it's just that--
79
00:03:50,619 --> 00:03:52,854
What? Just what? Well--
80
00:03:52,887 --> 00:03:54,756
Well, well, well. I hope what you're trying to say
81
00:03:54,789 --> 00:03:56,424
is that you'll miss me around here
82
00:03:56,458 --> 00:03:57,892
and you hate to see me go and everything.
83
00:03:57,926 --> 00:03:59,527
Actually, that was the toughest thing
84
00:03:59,561 --> 00:04:01,329
about me accepting the new job.
85
00:04:01,363 --> 00:04:02,831
You really accepted it?
86
00:04:02,864 --> 00:04:04,599
Would I kid about something like that?
87
00:04:06,001 --> 00:04:08,069
Well...
88
00:04:08,103 --> 00:04:10,839
Of course, we're gonna miss you, Buddy.
89
00:04:10,872 --> 00:04:12,874
I mean, if you go.
90
00:04:12,907 --> 00:04:14,509
What do you mean, if I go?
91
00:04:14,542 --> 00:04:15,844
Why shouldn't I take the job?
92
00:04:15,877 --> 00:04:17,812
Well, you know about Dan Howard--
93
00:04:17,846 --> 00:04:19,881
Dan Howard, Dan Howard. You're talking to Buddy Sorrell.
94
00:04:19,914 --> 00:04:22,550
I've been around a long time. I can handle Dan.
95
00:04:22,584 --> 00:04:24,519
Are you sure you want to handle him?
96
00:04:24,552 --> 00:04:25,787
What's that supposed to mean?
97
00:04:25,820 --> 00:04:27,656
You might be making a mistake.
98
00:04:27,689 --> 00:04:29,391
Is it a mistake to want more money?
99
00:04:29,424 --> 00:04:31,426
Be truthful, Rob. If you were offered
100
00:04:31,459 --> 00:04:33,428
the head writing job on the Dan Howard show
101
00:04:33,461 --> 00:04:35,563
at twice the money, would you turn it down?
102
00:04:35,597 --> 00:04:38,433
Buddy, I was, and I did.
103
00:04:38,466 --> 00:04:40,001
See? You--
104
00:04:42,103 --> 00:04:43,838
you did?
105
00:04:43,872 --> 00:04:47,008
Honest, Buddy. Rob turned down the same job.
106
00:04:47,042 --> 00:04:48,610
Oh.
107
00:04:50,478 --> 00:04:52,013
Why'd you turn it down?
108
00:04:52,047 --> 00:04:54,716
Because I don't want to work for Dan Howard.
109
00:04:54,749 --> 00:04:58,053
Well, I do. And if you're my friend,
110
00:04:58,086 --> 00:04:59,888
you're gonna help me out right now.
111
00:04:59,921 --> 00:05:01,690
I got a problem. You know I'm your friend.
112
00:05:01,723 --> 00:05:03,391
You gotta help me break my contract here
113
00:05:03,425 --> 00:05:04,926
so I can accept the other job.
114
00:05:04,959 --> 00:05:06,928
You really feel that strongly about it?
115
00:05:06,961 --> 00:05:09,831
I sure do. I've given it a lot of thought.
116
00:05:09,864 --> 00:05:12,534
This is what I want.
117
00:05:13,835 --> 00:05:15,537
Well...
118
00:05:15,570 --> 00:05:17,505
If this is what you want, Buddy.
119
00:05:19,007 --> 00:05:20,742
We're sure gonna miss you around here,
120
00:05:20,775 --> 00:05:22,744
you big nut.
121
00:05:22,777 --> 00:05:25,613
Yeah, I'm gonna miss you guys, too.
122
00:05:25,647 --> 00:05:28,183
Buddy, I sure hate to lose you.
123
00:05:28,216 --> 00:05:30,185
Are you sure you don't want to think it over?
124
00:05:30,218 --> 00:05:32,887
No, I told you, I thought it over.
125
00:05:34,556 --> 00:05:36,658
Okay.
126
00:05:36,691 --> 00:05:39,527
Marge, would you ask Mel to step in here a minute?
127
00:05:41,996 --> 00:05:44,032
Gee, thanks, Rob. Tell you one thing--
128
00:05:44,065 --> 00:05:46,134
you're gonna make two people very happy.
129
00:05:46,167 --> 00:05:48,103
Two people? Yeah.
130
00:05:48,136 --> 00:05:50,405
Me and that big, hairy ape.
131
00:05:52,540 --> 00:05:54,042
You wanted to see me, Rob?
132
00:05:54,075 --> 00:05:55,877
Yeah, there's something we need your help on.
133
00:05:55,910 --> 00:05:57,779
It concerns Buddy here.
134
00:05:57,812 --> 00:05:59,814
The only thing I'll help him with is his resignation.
135
00:05:59,848 --> 00:06:02,851
Good, good, that's exactly what we want to talk to you about.
136
00:06:02,884 --> 00:06:04,819
Now, just come on, sit down here.
137
00:06:04,853 --> 00:06:07,021
Make yourself nice and comfy. Right down here, sir.
138
00:06:07,055 --> 00:06:09,524
What's this all about?
139
00:06:09,557 --> 00:06:12,460
Mel, Buddy would like his release.
140
00:06:12,494 --> 00:06:13,728
He wants to leave?
141
00:06:18,666 --> 00:06:20,201
Mel?
142
00:06:20,235 --> 00:06:22,137
Mel? Mel?
143
00:06:22,170 --> 00:06:24,038
Look, it's as simple as that.
144
00:06:24,072 --> 00:06:26,040
I want to leave the show, understand?
145
00:06:26,074 --> 00:06:28,109
Look, I'm going. Watch me.
146
00:06:28,143 --> 00:06:29,744
Bye. I'm going.
147
00:06:29,778 --> 00:06:32,013
Mel, Buddy has an offer of a better job
148
00:06:32,046 --> 00:06:33,915
and a chance to be a head writer.
149
00:06:33,948 --> 00:06:36,551
To be rid of him, to be able to walk into this office
150
00:06:36,584 --> 00:06:38,753
without the fear of being verbally assaulted?
151
00:06:38,787 --> 00:06:40,588
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
152
00:06:40,622 --> 00:06:42,257
Then it's all right?
153
00:06:42,290 --> 00:06:44,492
No.
154
00:06:44,526 --> 00:06:45,960
No? No?
155
00:06:45,994 --> 00:06:47,896
No. But you just said--
156
00:06:47,929 --> 00:06:50,131
Never mind what I just said. The answer is no.
157
00:06:50,165 --> 00:06:52,967
And for him, I'll spell it-- N-O.
158
00:06:53,001 --> 00:06:54,636
Mel, why?
159
00:06:54,669 --> 00:06:56,204
For one very good reason.
160
00:06:56,237 --> 00:06:58,573
Our star, Alan Brady, happens to think
161
00:06:58,606 --> 00:07:00,875
he's the best one-line joke writer in the business.
162
00:07:00,909 --> 00:07:02,744
Look, Mel, I don't ask you for many things.
163
00:07:02,777 --> 00:07:04,612
And I appreciate that, Rob.
164
00:07:04,646 --> 00:07:06,781
But you must remember that this is a business.
165
00:07:06,815 --> 00:07:10,018
A glamorous business, yes, but still a business.
166
00:07:10,051 --> 00:07:12,787
As long as he does his job, he'll remain.
167
00:07:12,821 --> 00:07:15,690
I don't want him, but our star, Alan Brady, does.
168
00:07:15,723 --> 00:07:18,960
So he'll stay until Alan discovers, as I did,
169
00:07:18,993 --> 00:07:21,596
that it's possible to hire talented writers
170
00:07:21,629 --> 00:07:23,965
who are not insufferable boors.
171
00:07:23,998 --> 00:07:25,834
Any other questions?
172
00:07:25,867 --> 00:07:28,870
Yeah. Where can I buy a bald-headed voodoo doll?
173
00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:33,842
Sally, Rob, believe me,
174
00:07:33,875 --> 00:07:36,678
nothing would make me happier than to fire him.
175
00:07:39,914 --> 00:07:42,817
How do you like that guy? The one big chance of my life,
176
00:07:42,851 --> 00:07:45,086
and that idiot has to go ruin it.
177
00:07:45,119 --> 00:07:48,289
Well, it's just like my mother always says--
178
00:07:48,323 --> 00:07:50,325
the Sun isn't always shining
179
00:07:50,358 --> 00:07:52,560
just because there are sparrows.
180
00:07:55,697 --> 00:07:57,732
What's that supposed to mean?
181
00:07:57,765 --> 00:07:59,834
I don't know, but ain't it pretty?
182
00:08:01,169 --> 00:08:03,238
I'm sorry, Buddy. We did our best.
183
00:08:03,271 --> 00:08:05,907
No, you didn't.
184
00:08:05,940 --> 00:08:08,343
Buddy, you heard me ask Mel for your release.
185
00:08:08,376 --> 00:08:11,012
And you heard Mel say that you were too good to lose.
186
00:08:11,045 --> 00:08:13,715
Yeah, and I also heard Mel say that if I wasn't doing my job
187
00:08:13,748 --> 00:08:16,150
and if he got an okay from Alan Brady, he could fire me.
188
00:08:16,184 --> 00:08:18,953
So? So write a letter to Alan Brady.
189
00:08:18,987 --> 00:08:20,889
Tell him I'm a no-talent bum.
190
00:08:20,922 --> 00:08:23,691
But that's not so! So lie a little!
191
00:08:23,725 --> 00:08:25,159
Buddy, I am not gonna lie for you.
192
00:08:25,193 --> 00:08:27,829
You're supposed to be my friend! I am.
193
00:08:27,862 --> 00:08:30,231
Then exaggerate! There must be something wrong with me.
194
00:08:30,265 --> 00:08:33,835
No, Buddy, it is not right. And besides, Mel is not gonna fall for it.
195
00:08:33,868 --> 00:08:35,169
I might.
196
00:08:37,405 --> 00:08:39,807
Mel Cooley, you were listening at that door.
197
00:08:39,841 --> 00:08:42,710
And I heard every word. Look, I'll level with you.
198
00:08:42,744 --> 00:08:45,246
If Alan wants to let him go, then I'm off the hook.
199
00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:47,382
Shall we get to the memo?
200
00:08:47,415 --> 00:08:49,317
Good. I'll type, you dictate.
201
00:08:49,350 --> 00:08:51,185
You know all those college words.
202
00:08:51,219 --> 00:08:53,721
All right. But I think you're making a big mistake.
203
00:08:53,755 --> 00:08:56,124
All set for you right there. Talk slow.
204
00:08:56,157 --> 00:08:58,760
All right.
205
00:08:58,793 --> 00:09:02,297
Memo to Mel Cooley with a carbon copy to Alan Brady.
206
00:09:02,330 --> 00:09:04,666
Dear Mel...
207
00:09:04,699 --> 00:09:07,902
There's a situation concerning the writing staff
208
00:09:07,936 --> 00:09:10,872
which I believe merits your attention.
209
00:09:10,905 --> 00:09:13,107
Wait a minute! You're too polite.
210
00:09:13,141 --> 00:09:15,209
You gotta louse me up more.
211
00:09:15,243 --> 00:09:18,746
Yes, what you need is some good, honest hatred. I'll dictate it.
212
00:09:21,683 --> 00:09:23,651
During the past season,
213
00:09:23,685 --> 00:09:25,987
Buddy Sorrell has not contributed one idea,
214
00:09:26,020 --> 00:09:27,989
joke or fresh thought.
215
00:09:28,022 --> 00:09:30,024
Beautiful. Sal, tell him about
216
00:09:30,058 --> 00:09:31,859
how I sleep on the couch all day
217
00:09:31,893 --> 00:09:33,795
and I'm always coming in late.
218
00:09:33,828 --> 00:09:36,931
He has been distracting Sally Rogers and myself,
219
00:09:36,965 --> 00:09:39,667
and what was once a serviceable talent
220
00:09:39,701 --> 00:09:43,071
has deteriorated into an office clown.
221
00:09:43,104 --> 00:09:46,274
Wonderful. Curly, if I ever want to get sent to the chair,
222
00:09:46,307 --> 00:09:48,710
you're gonna be my lawyer.
223
00:09:48,743 --> 00:09:52,380
There is only course of action--
224
00:09:52,413 --> 00:09:54,949
total and complete release from the show.
225
00:09:54,983 --> 00:09:56,918
Yours very truly, Robert Petrie.
226
00:09:56,951 --> 00:09:58,686
Boy, that ought to do it.
227
00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:00,955
I certainly hope so. Yeah.
228
00:10:00,989 --> 00:10:03,191
Well, Rob... Sign it.
229
00:10:03,224 --> 00:10:05,259
Come on, Rob. Right here.
230
00:10:05,293 --> 00:10:07,161
Buddy, I don't feel right about this.
231
00:10:07,195 --> 00:10:08,763
I don't, either.
232
00:10:08,796 --> 00:10:10,064
Come on, here's the pen. Nothing to it.
233
00:10:10,098 --> 00:10:11,432
"Robert Petrie"-- that's all.
234
00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:20,808
Ah, there it is.
235
00:10:20,842 --> 00:10:23,011
My own little declaration of independence.
236
00:10:23,044 --> 00:10:26,247
Thomas Jefferson, I thank you.
237
00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:29,050
I feel more like Benedict Arnold.
238
00:10:29,083 --> 00:10:31,986
Buddy, I cherish this moment.
239
00:10:32,020 --> 00:10:34,756
Never in my entire life have I been happier
240
00:10:34,789 --> 00:10:36,891
to say good-bye to anyone.
241
00:10:36,924 --> 00:10:39,227
Good-bye forever.
242
00:10:39,260 --> 00:10:43,464
Mel, in the many years of our association,
243
00:10:43,498 --> 00:10:46,868
I know I've said a lot of unkind things about your bald head.
244
00:10:46,901 --> 00:10:49,404
And I'm sorry...
245
00:10:49,437 --> 00:10:52,273
I didn't mention the rest of your ugly puss.
246
00:10:58,980 --> 00:11:01,315
One last yechh!
247
00:11:15,063 --> 00:11:16,998
Rob, the more I think about it,
248
00:11:17,031 --> 00:11:19,434
the more I'm convinced you shouldn't have sent that memo.
249
00:11:19,467 --> 00:11:22,303
Honey, for the tenth time, it's what Buddy wanted.
250
00:11:22,336 --> 00:11:24,272
Wanted or not, you shouldn't have signed it.
251
00:11:24,305 --> 00:11:27,008
It got him his release. That's all he cared about.
252
00:11:27,041 --> 00:11:29,177
There must've been some other way.
253
00:11:29,210 --> 00:11:31,045
Laurie, will you please relax?
254
00:11:31,079 --> 00:11:33,181
It's my day off, and I don't want to think about it.
255
00:11:35,416 --> 00:11:37,118
Honey, what did you want me to write here?
256
00:11:37,151 --> 00:11:39,253
A note to Ritchie's kindergarten teacher
257
00:11:39,287 --> 00:11:41,322
telling her that you will talk to him about his behavior.
258
00:11:41,355 --> 00:11:45,059
What'd he do? He ate his paste.
259
00:11:45,093 --> 00:11:47,261
( DOORBELL RINGS )
260
00:11:51,833 --> 00:11:53,301
I'll get it.
261
00:11:56,003 --> 00:11:57,905
Hi, Buddy. Oh, hi, Rob.
262
00:11:57,939 --> 00:11:59,841
Hi, Buddy. Hello, Laura.
263
00:11:59,874 --> 00:12:01,943
What are you doing in our neck of the woods?
264
00:12:01,976 --> 00:12:03,277
Just taking a little ride,
265
00:12:03,311 --> 00:12:05,079
thought I'd drop by and say hello.
266
00:12:05,113 --> 00:12:06,981
I'm not interrupting anything, am I?
267
00:12:07,014 --> 00:12:08,449
No, as a matter of fact, we were just talking about you.
268
00:12:08,483 --> 00:12:10,451
Oh. about my new job?
269
00:12:10,485 --> 00:12:12,220
Yeah.
270
00:12:12,253 --> 00:12:14,822
Well, you can forget it. I didn't get the job.
271
00:12:14,856 --> 00:12:16,557
You didn't get the job?
272
00:12:16,591 --> 00:12:19,861
No. I haven't told anybody about it, not even my wife.
273
00:12:19,894 --> 00:12:22,029
Buddy, I thought it was all set.
274
00:12:22,063 --> 00:12:24,432
Yeah, it was all set, except for one little thing.
275
00:12:24,465 --> 00:12:26,000
A reference.
276
00:12:26,033 --> 00:12:27,602
Well, I'll give you a reference.
277
00:12:27,635 --> 00:12:28,870
You already gave me one.
278
00:12:28,903 --> 00:12:30,872
What do you mean?
279
00:12:30,905 --> 00:12:32,473
Dan Howard wanted to check on me,
280
00:12:32,507 --> 00:12:34,909
get a reference, so he called his best friend.
281
00:12:34,942 --> 00:12:37,445
Who's that? Alan Brady.
282
00:12:37,478 --> 00:12:39,614
And Alan read him the memo.
283
00:12:39,647 --> 00:12:42,150
Looks like I'm finished.
284
00:12:42,183 --> 00:12:44,085
Oh, Buddy, it can't be that bad.
285
00:12:44,118 --> 00:12:46,087
Are you kidding? Dan Howard's got it spread
286
00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:47,989
all over town by now.
287
00:12:48,022 --> 00:12:49,991
Mel Cooley right now
288
00:12:50,024 --> 00:12:53,928
is probably the happiest bald-headed producer in television.
289
00:12:53,961 --> 00:12:56,564
Rob, could you talk to Mel and explain it?
290
00:12:56,597 --> 00:12:59,967
Honey, Mel was there. He helped write the memo.
291
00:13:00,001 --> 00:13:03,070
It's not Rob's fault. It's my own fault, the whole thing.
292
00:13:03,104 --> 00:13:06,440
Mel is sitting there, probably clapping his hands together.
293
00:13:06,474 --> 00:13:08,543
I think this whole affair is just shameful.
294
00:13:08,576 --> 00:13:10,478
It wasn't supposed to turn out this way.
295
00:13:10,511 --> 00:13:12,146
It was supposed to be the opposite.
296
00:13:12,180 --> 00:13:14,048
Buddy should be happy now.
297
00:13:14,081 --> 00:13:16,083
Look, I didn't come up here to depress anybody.
298
00:13:16,117 --> 00:13:19,487
I just want to know-- how do you spell "unemployment"?
299
00:13:22,623 --> 00:13:26,227
Buddy, you want me to talk to Mel about getting your job back?
300
00:13:26,260 --> 00:13:29,397
Hey, you think you could?
301
00:13:29,430 --> 00:13:32,266
Yeah. I'll talk to him Monday and see what I can do.
302
00:13:32,300 --> 00:13:34,302
Good. Hey, uh...
303
00:13:34,335 --> 00:13:36,370
That's real nice of you, Rob.
304
00:13:36,404 --> 00:13:39,106
Listen, I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for me.
305
00:13:39,140 --> 00:13:41,175
I happen to think we need you down at that office.
306
00:13:41,209 --> 00:13:43,077
I'm glad Dan Howard didn't get you.
307
00:13:43,110 --> 00:13:45,179
Whether you mean it or not, it sure sounds good.
308
00:13:45,213 --> 00:13:46,914
You'll let me know if you hear anything?
309
00:13:46,948 --> 00:13:48,349
Yeah, I'll call. Bye.
310
00:13:48,382 --> 00:13:49,951
So long, Laura. Bye, Buddy.
311
00:13:49,984 --> 00:13:51,319
Bye, Buddy.
312
00:13:52,653 --> 00:13:54,322
He must really be upset.
313
00:13:54,355 --> 00:13:56,691
I've never seen Buddy so depressed.
314
00:13:56,724 --> 00:14:00,228
Well, getting fired is pretty depressing.
315
00:14:03,331 --> 00:14:05,199
Honey, what did you want me to write down here?
316
00:14:05,233 --> 00:14:07,668
A note to Ritchie's teacher.
317
00:14:07,702 --> 00:14:09,470
About the paste.
318
00:14:09,503 --> 00:14:10,671
Oh.
319
00:14:12,406 --> 00:14:15,409
Honey, you'd better write it. If I sign it,
320
00:14:15,443 --> 00:14:17,945
I'm liable to get him kicked out of kindergarten.
321
00:14:24,719 --> 00:14:27,655
Well, here's another one, chief.
322
00:14:27,688 --> 00:14:30,958
Boy, it sure was tough writing this week's script without Buddy.
323
00:14:30,992 --> 00:14:32,593
Hmm.
324
00:14:32,627 --> 00:14:34,395
You know something, Rob?
325
00:14:34,428 --> 00:14:36,731
I sure miss that slob.
326
00:14:36,764 --> 00:14:39,033
So do I.
327
00:14:39,066 --> 00:14:41,035
Trouble is, Mel doesn't care how tough it is
328
00:14:41,068 --> 00:14:42,370
or how much we miss Buddy,
329
00:14:42,403 --> 00:14:44,105
as long as we turn out good scripts
330
00:14:44,138 --> 00:14:46,007
like that one on time.
331
00:14:49,110 --> 00:14:51,145
Hey. What?
332
00:14:51,178 --> 00:14:52,613
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
333
00:14:52,647 --> 00:14:54,148
I'm thinking exactly what you're thinking.
334
00:14:54,181 --> 00:14:55,483
What are you thinking?
335
00:14:55,516 --> 00:14:57,318
I'm thinking we came up
336
00:14:57,351 --> 00:14:59,353
with that script too soon
337
00:14:59,387 --> 00:15:01,355
and, uh, too good.
338
00:15:01,389 --> 00:15:03,457
And too easy. Yeah.
339
00:15:03,491 --> 00:15:05,626
All right, let's show him how tough it is to work without Buddy.
340
00:15:05,660 --> 00:15:07,461
Come on, let's panic around here.
341
00:15:07,495 --> 00:15:09,463
Spread a little panic around the office.
342
00:15:09,497 --> 00:15:11,499
Make it look hard.
343
00:15:11,532 --> 00:15:14,335
Oh, there we are. How about that?
344
00:15:14,368 --> 00:15:16,570
Take off your tie. Open your collar.
345
00:15:16,604 --> 00:15:18,406
( LAUGHTER )
346
00:15:18,439 --> 00:15:21,142
Boy, I sure like this. This is fun.
347
00:15:23,210 --> 00:15:26,380
Hi, Mel. Oh, hello, Mel.
348
00:15:26,414 --> 00:15:29,717
What are you two, writers or litterbugs?
349
00:15:29,750 --> 00:15:31,419
Well, we're hard at work.
350
00:15:31,452 --> 00:15:33,487
What's that, next week's script?
351
00:15:33,521 --> 00:15:36,724
Yes, Mel, we had a little trouble getting started with it.
352
00:15:36,757 --> 00:15:38,259
But we're doing fine now, Mel.
353
00:15:38,292 --> 00:15:39,760
We're up to page 4.
354
00:15:39,794 --> 00:15:43,030
Page 4? Last Friday, you were on page 10.
355
00:15:43,064 --> 00:15:45,166
I know, Mel, but we had to throw all of that stuff out.
356
00:15:45,199 --> 00:15:47,201
There's only two of us working here.
357
00:15:47,234 --> 00:15:50,037
Yeah, Mel. Two of us.
358
00:15:50,071 --> 00:15:53,307
And it's a big show. It's a three-man job.
359
00:15:53,341 --> 00:15:54,775
I see what you're doing.
360
00:15:54,809 --> 00:15:57,345
You're asking for a third writer.
361
00:15:57,378 --> 00:15:59,747
All right, I'll give you permission to hire one.
362
00:15:59,780 --> 00:16:02,283
That shows you how much faith I have in your judgment.
363
00:16:02,316 --> 00:16:04,752
Hire whomever you please. Good.
364
00:16:04,785 --> 00:16:06,387
But not Buddy.
365
00:16:12,259 --> 00:16:14,495
Well, that fell flat.
366
00:16:14,528 --> 00:16:17,264
And who's gonna clean up this mess?
367
00:16:17,298 --> 00:16:19,500
You, Sally. Who else?
368
00:16:19,533 --> 00:16:21,268
Doggone it, if only Buddy
369
00:16:21,302 --> 00:16:23,237
hadn't been so nasty.
370
00:16:23,270 --> 00:16:25,473
He couldn't have been nastier if he made a living at it.
371
00:16:25,506 --> 00:16:28,309
Make a living at it.
372
00:16:30,211 --> 00:16:32,179
Sally, that's it.
373
00:16:32,213 --> 00:16:36,550
Suppose I hire somebody nastier than Buddy.
374
00:16:36,584 --> 00:16:39,153
I thought Jack The Ripper was dead.
375
00:16:39,186 --> 00:16:42,723
Who can be nastier to Mel than Buddy?
376
00:16:42,757 --> 00:16:44,658
Mel's wife?
377
00:16:46,861 --> 00:16:49,830
No, somebody who makes a living at it.
378
00:16:49,864 --> 00:16:52,533
Who makes a living at insulting people?
379
00:16:52,566 --> 00:16:54,301
Nightclub comedians do.
380
00:16:54,335 --> 00:16:56,103
They're always bothered by hecklers.
381
00:16:56,137 --> 00:16:58,205
They have to have a good supply of insults.
382
00:16:58,239 --> 00:17:00,608
Don't you get it? We hire a nightclub comedian,
383
00:17:00,641 --> 00:17:02,843
have him come in here and insult Mel.
384
00:17:02,877 --> 00:17:06,680
But who could we get? I'll bet Jackie Brewster would do it.
385
00:17:06,714 --> 00:17:08,849
Hey, he's a good friend of mine.
386
00:17:08,883 --> 00:17:10,885
He'd be great. Is he in town?
387
00:17:10,918 --> 00:17:12,353
Sure.
388
00:17:12,386 --> 00:17:13,754
Yeah, but would he do it?
389
00:17:13,788 --> 00:17:15,689
Sure, he'd do it. He's a good friend.
390
00:17:15,723 --> 00:17:18,092
Besides, what have we got to lose?
391
00:17:21,429 --> 00:17:23,731
Our jobs. Our jobs.
392
00:17:23,764 --> 00:17:26,367
Jackie, we really appreciate you giving us a hand with this.
393
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:28,569
Forget it. Buddy helped me get in the business.
394
00:17:28,602 --> 00:17:30,471
If I can help him get his job back, wonderful.
395
00:17:30,504 --> 00:17:32,573
But there's only one thing, Rob--
396
00:17:32,606 --> 00:17:34,708
suppose Mel recognizes him. He might've seen him in a nightclub.
397
00:17:34,742 --> 00:17:36,744
Don't worry about that, Sal.
398
00:17:36,777 --> 00:17:38,813
You know what happens when they introduce me in a nightclub?
399
00:17:38,846 --> 00:17:41,215
A guy comes out and says, "here's Jackie Brewster!"
400
00:17:41,248 --> 00:17:43,751
And the whole audience says, "Who's he?"
401
00:17:43,784 --> 00:17:47,688
More people know me as "who's he" than "Jackie Brewster".
402
00:17:47,721 --> 00:17:49,457
We have no problem there at all.
403
00:17:49,490 --> 00:17:51,659
Mel has never been in a nightclub in his life.
404
00:17:51,692 --> 00:17:54,562
Never been in a nightclub? I hate him already.
405
00:17:54,595 --> 00:17:56,730
Well, I don't think we have any problem at all.
406
00:17:56,764 --> 00:17:58,833
I don't think Mel's been anyplace.
407
00:17:58,866 --> 00:18:00,534
How'd he get to be a big T.V. producer?
408
00:18:00,568 --> 00:18:03,637
Easy. He married the star's sister.
409
00:18:03,671 --> 00:18:05,639
Oh.
410
00:18:05,673 --> 00:18:07,808
He's a brother-in-law.
411
00:18:07,842 --> 00:18:10,644
Gee, Jackie, you're a doll for doing this.
412
00:18:10,678 --> 00:18:13,547
Buddy's my buddy. He'd do the same thing for me.
413
00:18:13,581 --> 00:18:15,716
Well, fellas, ready to get the show on the road?
414
00:18:15,749 --> 00:18:17,952
Okay. let me make sure I have everything right.
415
00:18:17,985 --> 00:18:19,787
You'll introduce me as the new writer.
416
00:18:19,820 --> 00:18:21,555
Then I give him the zinger, right?
417
00:18:21,589 --> 00:18:22,790
You just keep insulting him
418
00:18:22,823 --> 00:18:24,191
until he yells, "Buddy."
419
00:18:24,225 --> 00:18:25,926
Don't let up on him.
420
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:28,796
Keep killing him with insults. Go, go.
421
00:18:28,829 --> 00:18:30,297
Put him out of his misery.
422
00:18:30,331 --> 00:18:32,533
Kind of like a mercy killing.
423
00:18:32,566 --> 00:18:35,202
( IMITATING JAMES CAGNEY ) Okay, you go get the guy
424
00:18:35,236 --> 00:18:38,772
who fired the guy--mmm-- who was the first guy--mmm--
425
00:18:38,806 --> 00:18:41,408
who knew me--mmm-- gotta get those teeth fixed.
426
00:18:41,442 --> 00:18:44,378
When I was the guy. Okay, you go do that. Go get him.
427
00:18:44,411 --> 00:18:46,247
( LAUGHTER )
428
00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:48,282
Gee, I'm a little nervous about this.
429
00:18:48,315 --> 00:18:50,417
There's usually a stage between me and the audience,
430
00:18:50,451 --> 00:18:52,620
and I don't insult people till they insult me first.
431
00:18:52,653 --> 00:18:54,755
Well, just remember, it's for a good cause.
432
00:18:54,788 --> 00:18:56,724
He's not the violent type, is he?
433
00:18:56,757 --> 00:18:58,425
I mean, I like Buddy, but I wouldn't want
434
00:18:58,459 --> 00:18:59,994
to get hit in the head with a typewriter.
435
00:19:00,027 --> 00:19:01,896
No, he's not the violent type.
436
00:19:01,929 --> 00:19:04,732
He's more like, uh-- like that.
437
00:19:05,933 --> 00:19:07,535
Well, who's he?
438
00:19:07,568 --> 00:19:09,803
See? He knows me already.
439
00:19:15,309 --> 00:19:16,977
Mel, this is our new writer.
440
00:19:17,011 --> 00:19:19,313
And I screened a lot of good men before I hired him.
441
00:19:19,346 --> 00:19:21,415
Jackie, this is Mel Cooley, our producer.
442
00:19:21,448 --> 00:19:23,717
Mel, this is Jackie Brew-brew--
443
00:19:23,751 --> 00:19:25,519
Brewbrew.
444
00:19:25,553 --> 00:19:26,921
Brewbrew.
445
00:19:28,923 --> 00:19:32,359
That's certainly an unusual name, Mr. Brewbrew.
446
00:19:32,393 --> 00:19:35,529
Yes, it is. My father stuttered.
447
00:19:37,531 --> 00:19:39,567
I don't believe I know your work.
448
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:42,002
What have you done? About what?
449
00:19:45,739 --> 00:19:47,942
Like work.
450
00:19:47,975 --> 00:19:50,311
Uh, Mr. Brewbrew hasn't done too much television writing, Mel.
451
00:19:50,344 --> 00:19:52,313
That's right. For the last couple of years,
452
00:19:52,346 --> 00:19:53,814
I've been translating the works of Shakespeare
453
00:19:53,847 --> 00:19:55,449
into pig Latin.
454
00:19:56,784 --> 00:19:59,019
Good sense of humor.
455
00:19:59,053 --> 00:20:00,988
I like you. My hand. Really?
456
00:20:02,823 --> 00:20:04,725
Is that your hand?
457
00:20:04,758 --> 00:20:07,294
It looks more like five fat worms.
458
00:20:09,463 --> 00:20:11,565
I beg your pardon? Why?
459
00:20:11,599 --> 00:20:14,568
You can't help it if you have worm fingers.
460
00:20:14,602 --> 00:20:16,570
Does it run in your family?
461
00:20:16,604 --> 00:20:18,739
Now, look, Mr. Brewbrew--
462
00:20:18,772 --> 00:20:21,075
No, no, no, no. Don't make a mistake.
463
00:20:21,108 --> 00:20:22,910
You couldn't hear what you were saying. You had your tongue
464
00:20:22,943 --> 00:20:25,012
in the way of your eye tooth and couldn't see it.
465
00:20:25,045 --> 00:20:27,615
Ha ha ha ha! Now, don't make a mistake.
466
00:20:27,648 --> 00:20:29,917
Just keep talking nice, with round tones.
467
00:20:29,950 --> 00:20:31,585
Do you know who I am?
468
00:20:31,619 --> 00:20:33,587
Don't you know who you are?
469
00:20:36,924 --> 00:20:38,993
When you find out, don't tell anybody!
470
00:20:39,026 --> 00:20:40,661
I have a question for you.
471
00:20:40,694 --> 00:20:42,329
Come right over here.
472
00:20:42,363 --> 00:20:43,897
Do you pluck your scalp?
473
00:20:45,966 --> 00:20:47,868
Oh, this is wonderful! It's the first time
474
00:20:47,901 --> 00:20:50,371
I ever saw a bongo with glasses.
475
00:20:51,605 --> 00:20:53,374
Rob, is this a rib?!
476
00:20:53,407 --> 00:20:55,843
No, no, no, this is an arm. This is a rib.
477
00:20:55,876 --> 00:20:58,512
Do you feel the difference? This is an arm. This is a rib.
478
00:20:58,545 --> 00:21:00,914
I want you to recite after me. Think, think, think.
479
00:21:00,948 --> 00:21:03,384
This is an arm. This is a rib. This is an arm. This is a rib.
480
00:21:03,417 --> 00:21:05,519
You got it? This is an arm. This is a rib.
481
00:21:05,552 --> 00:21:07,087
Rob! No, no, no.
482
00:21:07,121 --> 00:21:09,590
Not "Rob", "rib". You're not listening to me.
483
00:21:09,623 --> 00:21:10,858
You're not paying attention!
484
00:21:10,891 --> 00:21:12,660
You're gonna flunk, Melvin.
485
00:21:12,693 --> 00:21:14,428
Matter of fact, you look like a flunky.
486
00:21:14,461 --> 00:21:16,463
Rob, tell me what's going on!
487
00:21:16,497 --> 00:21:18,465
Going on? Going on?
488
00:21:18,499 --> 00:21:20,367
Sit down, I'll tell you. I'm from the FBI.
489
00:21:20,401 --> 00:21:22,369
FBI.? FBI. That's you.
490
00:21:22,403 --> 00:21:24,371
"fat, bald and ignorant"!
491
00:21:27,608 --> 00:21:29,877
Did he sign a contract?
492
00:21:29,910 --> 00:21:31,445
No, Mel, that's why he's here.
493
00:21:31,478 --> 00:21:33,080
Get him out. Get him out!
494
00:21:33,113 --> 00:21:34,682
Mel, I need a third writer.
495
00:21:34,715 --> 00:21:36,650
Out, out, out! Get me anybody else!
496
00:21:36,684 --> 00:21:38,686
Even Buddy? Wait a minute! Before you leave...
497
00:21:38,719 --> 00:21:40,821
Remember, this is an arm. This is a rib.
498
00:21:40,854 --> 00:21:43,691
( INDISTINCT SHOUTING )
499
00:21:45,492 --> 00:21:48,462
Get me Buddy!
500
00:21:48,495 --> 00:21:51,398
Hey, brother-in-law! You're great!
501
00:22:02,543 --> 00:22:03,911
How did I do?
502
00:22:03,944 --> 00:22:05,946
Oh, you were wonderful, Jackie.
503
00:22:05,979 --> 00:22:07,881
It was the most beautiful piece of surgery
504
00:22:07,915 --> 00:22:10,017
I ever saw in my life.
505
00:22:10,050 --> 00:22:12,086
I don't know what to do for you. I'd like to kiss you.
506
00:22:12,119 --> 00:22:13,887
If you really want to do something for me,
507
00:22:13,921 --> 00:22:15,456
let her kiss me!
508
00:22:15,489 --> 00:22:17,991
( LAUGHTER )
509
00:22:27,568 --> 00:22:29,503
Buddy, we went to a lot of trouble for you.
510
00:22:29,536 --> 00:22:31,105
Will you please behave yourself?
511
00:22:31,138 --> 00:22:32,940
Please, Buddy?
512
00:22:32,973 --> 00:22:34,975
No more bald-headed jokes, huh?
513
00:22:35,008 --> 00:22:37,444
Why do you want to insult Mel like that anyway?
514
00:22:37,478 --> 00:22:40,080
I don't like him. For one thing, he's too tall.
515
00:22:40,114 --> 00:22:42,750
Rob's just as tall.
516
00:22:42,783 --> 00:22:44,918
Yeah, but he's not nasty about it.
517
00:22:44,952 --> 00:22:46,987
At least when Rob stands next to me, he slumps a little.
518
00:22:48,622 --> 00:22:51,058
Good evening, Sally, Rob.
519
00:22:51,091 --> 00:22:53,060
Well, here's Buddy's contract,
520
00:22:53,093 --> 00:22:55,529
signed, sealed and delivered.
521
00:22:55,562 --> 00:22:58,832
Hey, is that it? Is it all official now?
522
00:22:58,866 --> 00:23:01,168
You mean-- just a minute, Mel, sir.
523
00:23:01,201 --> 00:23:04,138
You mean I'm back on the job? They can't fire me or nothin'?
524
00:23:04,171 --> 00:23:06,573
( LAUGHTER )
525
00:23:06,607 --> 00:23:09,743
Goldilocks...
526
00:23:09,777 --> 00:23:11,779
I'm very happy you're wearing that hat,
527
00:23:11,812 --> 00:23:13,514
because there's a lot of woodpeckers in town.
528
00:23:15,549 --> 00:23:17,751
And if I were you, I'd darken the eyebrows a little bit,
529
00:23:17,785 --> 00:23:19,219
because your face is starting to look
530
00:23:19,253 --> 00:23:22,723
like you neck is blowing bubble gum.
531
00:23:22,756 --> 00:23:25,993
You know that this guy has to carry his dandruff around in his hands?
532
00:23:26,026 --> 00:23:28,629
It's a wonder when you walk down the street,
533
00:23:28,662 --> 00:23:31,098
people don't want to put their finger in your ear and start bowling.
534
00:23:31,131 --> 00:23:33,867
( LAUGHING )
535
00:23:33,901 --> 00:23:35,769
Hey, what's the matter with him?
536
00:23:35,803 --> 00:23:38,205
I give him my best baldy jokes, and he keeps laughing.
537
00:23:38,238 --> 00:23:41,208
Good night, Sally, Rob.
538
00:23:41,241 --> 00:23:43,777
Your jokes about my sparseness of hair
539
00:23:43,811 --> 00:23:46,213
no longer bother me.
540
00:23:46,246 --> 00:23:47,981
Good night.
541
00:24:02,996 --> 00:24:05,132
~~39913
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.