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~~
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( WHISTLING )
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Rob, what are you doing?
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Just lying here now.
5
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Are you all right?
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I felt something tear near my sacrum.
7
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Oh, no, not again.
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( STRAINING ) Oh, yeah, I felt something rip.
9
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Honey, don't move. I'll call Dr. Jacoby.
10
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No, don't call him. Don't be a hero.
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If you've actually ripped something...
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I ripped something, all right.
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My underwear.
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Boy, for a good dancer, you sure trip a lot.
15
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This time, it was Ritchie's fault.
16
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Ritchie went to bed an hour ago.
17
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Uh-huh, but he left a booby trap for me.
18
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Look at that. What are we gonna do with that boy?
19
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I told him 1,000 times to pick--
20
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told him to pick up his toys!
21
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Well, he's forgetful, like his daddy.
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I'm not forgetful. Honey, you must've reminded him
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not two minutes before he went to bed to pick this truck up.
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I'm sorry, I'll put it away.
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That's his problem.
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What is?
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You are. I am?
28
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Honey, you're either picking things up for him
29
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or reminding him to.
30
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Honey, he's only a child.
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He'll remain one the rest of his life
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unless we start training him.
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I've got a good mind to go in there,
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wake him up and make him put that truck away.
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That'll teach him to remember.
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You wouldn't really wake him, would you?
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Well, I should. But I won't,
38
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'cause Jerry and Millie will be here in about three minutes.
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They will?
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Uh-huh. don't tell me you forgot
41
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our Wednesday night bridge game with Jerry and Millie.
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Well, I-- aha. You did forget.
43
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So he's forgetful like his daddy, huh?
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Darling, our bridge date is for tomorrow.
45
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Tomorrow?
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What's today?
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Tuesday.
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Good. Good?
49
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Yeah, it'll give me a day to fix this broken leg.
50
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Oh, it's all right.
51
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Want to play cards?
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You mean to tell me, after that big speech on forgetfulness,
53
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you forgot what day it was?
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Yeah, I thought yesterday was today.
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Did you give it to him good, Laura?
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I never get the chance.
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Rob always gives it to himself.
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I must say, he's very honest
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about his shortcomings.
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One of the many reasons she loves me.
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Hey, Rob, you trying to stall just because we're ahead?
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Come on, bid.
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Oh, I'm sorry. What's the bid?
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Rob, you dealt. Huh?
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It's your bid.
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Oh, I'm sorry.
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Talk about being forgetful.
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Uh, one spade.
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What's the matter? You have a rough time
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at the office this week?
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As a matter of fact, he did,
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so don't pick on him.
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I hope that doesn't mean
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you've written a rotten show.
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Two hearts.
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Don't worry, we wrote a good show.
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Can't afford to let our neighbors down.
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Or the members of the P.T.A.
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The P.T.A.?
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Don't tell me you forgot you invited the P.T.A. to your show.
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Two no trump!
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Wow.
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That's what I call a strong bid.
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You haven't forgotten about the P.T.A.
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Coming to your studio.
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Well-- ouch!
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I think she meant this for you.
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Ow!
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No, I didn't forget the tickets.
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Looks to me like you did forget.
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Don't be silly. How could he forget 44 tickets?
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Yeah. How could I forget 44 tickets
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to The Alan Brady Show this week?
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All taken care of, yes, sirree.
95
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Is it gonna be a good show?
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I hate to get all dressed up and drive down there
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just to see a clinker.
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Hey, yeah, it may be a clinker.
99
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Shall I cancel your tickets?
100
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Don't you dare. I want to see the show
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in the studio, in person.
102
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Pass. What do you want to do, dear?
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I wish I knew.
104
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About the bidding.
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Oh. I'm sorry.
106
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Uh, what'd you bid?
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Two hearts. And two no trump.
108
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Pass. Pass.
109
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I'll bid, uh...
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Four no tickets.
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Four no tickets?
112
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Heh! Did I say that?
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( CHUCKLES ) I meant 44 no trump.
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Or--
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44 no tickets.
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Okay, let me say that again.
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Uh, four no trump.
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Neighbor, do you really think
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you're gonna make four no trump?
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It'd be a lot easier if I make 44 no tickets.
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Well, let's play tickets.
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Ow!
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I got another message for you.
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Oh! Uh, let's play cards.
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Listen, try to improve your game a bit.
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I like a little competition.
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See you later. Bye, Millie.
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How could you forget 44 tickets?
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Easy.
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Oh, Robert!
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What do you mean, "Oh, Robert"?
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I could just as well say, "Oh, Laura."
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You're not going to try to blame me for your forgetfulness.
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Honey, you could've at least reminded me.
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You just last night made a big speech
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about not reminding Rich.
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Do you or do you not like reminders?
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Well, only when I forget.
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Is there someone you can call?
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Yeah, I can call those 44 people up
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and tell them to stay home.
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Rob, you get on that phone
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and start calling someone on the show.
144
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Who? Who am I gonna call?
145
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Mel Cooley. He's the producer.
146
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Maybe he can do something.
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All right, I'll try him,
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but I'm sure he won't be any help to us.
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Problem? Problem? What kind of a problem?
150
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What happened? What's the matter with the show?
151
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Couldn't you finish the sketch? What? What?
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I need some tickets for this week's show.
153
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Tickets? Is that all?
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Rob, I'm surprised at you.
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Do you realize that I almost took an aspirin?
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Mel, I'm sorry. That would've been awful.
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What's awful?
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He almost took an aspirin.
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How many tickets do you need?
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Two? Three? Four?
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Heh. Mel, as a matter of fact,
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I need 44.
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Mel?
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Mel?
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What'd he say?
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I think he took the aspirin.
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Mel, look, what's the most I can have?
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Four.
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Now, Rob, if you wanted that many tickets,
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you should've spoken to me weeks ago.
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You know how popular our show is,
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how people are constantly clamoring for tickets.
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I know, Mel. I heard the clamoring.
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All right. Thanks a lot, Mel.
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Bye.
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That's four.
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Now all we need are 40 more tickets.
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And if we don't get them?
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Oh, no problem. We'll change our names,
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sell the house and move to a new neighborhood.
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Mel, I really appreciate it.
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Hey, if you scare up any more,
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hold them for me, will you?
184
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Okay. Thanks.
185
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That's two more from Mel. That makes six.
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Now all we need to keep our standing in the P.T.A.
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Are 38 more tickets.
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Yoo-hoo! Mrs. Petrie!
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Oh, Mrs. Billings. Here for the tickets.
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Do come in.
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Good morning, dear.
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I do hope that I'm not disturbing you,
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but I was on my way into town and I suddenly thought
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I ought to drop over and pick up those tickets for the show.
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Oh, hello. Hello.
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Rob, you remember Mrs. Billings of the P.T.A.
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Oh, yes. Hello, Mrs. Bickets--
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Billings.
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Well, we only met a few times at the meetings,
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but I feel I know him so well.
201
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Would you like a cup of coffee? Thank you, dear.
202
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Won't you sit down? Yes, thank you.
203
00:08:07,137 --> 00:08:09,431
You see, I watch the show every week,
204
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and, of course, I read your name on the screen.
205
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It looks so nice. "The Alan Brady Show, written by Robert Petrie."
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It makes us very proud to have an author in our neighborhood.
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Why, thank you very much, Mrs. Billings.
208
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It's nice of you to say that.
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I hope you're planning a good show for us.
210
00:08:25,114 --> 00:08:26,448
Well, we do our best.
211
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The shows are just wonderful.
212
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I adore Alan Brady.
213
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And I particularly like the way they're written.
214
00:08:33,247 --> 00:08:34,623
Well, thank you very much.
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Uh, generally.
216
00:08:39,586 --> 00:08:41,839
Of course, there have been one or two shows
217
00:08:41,964 --> 00:08:45,884
that Mr. Billings and I simply had to turn off.
218
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Oh, I do hope you don't mind
219
00:08:48,595 --> 00:08:50,431
my saying that we didn't like all of your shows.
220
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Oh, not at all, Mrs. Billings.
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As a matter of fact, it's the only way we have of finding out
222
00:08:54,977 --> 00:08:56,520
what people prefer.
223
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What shows didn't you like?
224
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Well, I'm no expert.
225
00:09:01,984 --> 00:09:04,111
But I do know what I like.
226
00:09:04,278 --> 00:09:06,488
And I don't like it when Mr. Brady, your star,
227
00:09:06,655 --> 00:09:08,198
comes out and tells those jokes.
228
00:09:08,323 --> 00:09:11,785
Uh, which jokes? He tells them on every show.
229
00:09:11,952 --> 00:09:15,080
Yes. I don't like that.
230
00:09:15,247 --> 00:09:16,707
Well, yes.
231
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You don't think those are funny?
232
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Heh. Do you?
233
00:09:22,212 --> 00:09:23,922
Well-- oh, I know.
234
00:09:24,089 --> 00:09:26,884
You can't really say what you think.
235
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I could, but I don't dare.
236
00:09:30,345 --> 00:09:32,598
Oh, I understand.
237
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You don't mind my telling you these things?
238
00:09:35,017 --> 00:09:37,519
Mind? Oh, I knew you wouldn't.
239
00:09:37,644 --> 00:09:39,438
Oh, I am just looking so forward
240
00:09:39,605 --> 00:09:41,523
to seeing my favorite show.
241
00:09:41,648 --> 00:09:43,650
Your favorite show?
242
00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:45,736
Why, I wouldn't miss it.
243
00:09:45,903 --> 00:09:49,865
You see, it sharpens my critical sense.
244
00:09:50,032 --> 00:09:51,241
Well, you just give me the tickets.
245
00:09:51,366 --> 00:09:52,826
I'll mail them out to our people.
246
00:09:52,993 --> 00:09:54,578
Uh, you're gonna mail them?
247
00:09:54,745 --> 00:09:56,997
Rob, is that the best way to handle the tickets?
248
00:09:57,164 --> 00:10:00,250
Uh, no, that's not the best way. No?
249
00:10:00,375 --> 00:10:02,669
As a matter of fact, that's the worst way.
250
00:10:02,836 --> 00:10:05,756
The best way is for me to hold the tickets,
251
00:10:05,923 --> 00:10:07,841
and I'll seat you personally.
252
00:10:08,008 --> 00:10:10,803
That's terribly sweet of you, Mr. Petrie.
253
00:10:10,969 --> 00:10:13,722
( NERVOUS LAUGHTER )
254
00:10:13,847 --> 00:10:16,767
Well, then shall I just tell everyone
255
00:10:16,934 --> 00:10:18,936
to rally at the studio?
256
00:10:19,061 --> 00:10:21,230
Yes, you tell everyone to rally.
257
00:10:23,190 --> 00:10:24,608
Now, you will write
258
00:10:24,775 --> 00:10:26,568
a good show for us this week?
259
00:10:26,735 --> 00:10:28,278
Yes, we'll have something
260
00:10:28,404 --> 00:10:30,739
for you to sharpen our critical thing on.
261
00:10:30,864 --> 00:10:33,200
Thank you, dear. Just remember
262
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that there will be 44 of us right there watching.
263
00:10:36,245 --> 00:10:37,246
Swell.
264
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Bye. Good-bye.
265
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That's what I call a real fan.
266
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Honey, how many more do we need?
267
00:10:48,841 --> 00:10:50,217
Still 38.
268
00:10:50,384 --> 00:10:52,761
38. Wish me luck. I'm gonna spend the day
269
00:10:52,886 --> 00:10:55,013
begging, borrowing and stealing.
270
00:10:55,180 --> 00:10:56,723
Good luck, honey.
271
00:10:56,890 --> 00:10:58,225
Bye. bye, Ritchie.
272
00:10:58,392 --> 00:11:00,102
Bye, Daddy.
273
00:11:00,269 --> 00:11:04,940
Mommy, is Daddy gonna steal today?
274
00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:06,859
No, Daddy was just making a joke.
275
00:11:07,025 --> 00:11:11,155
Oh. Heh heh! That was a funny joke.
276
00:11:11,321 --> 00:11:13,073
What was?
277
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:14,700
I don't know.
278
00:11:18,202 --> 00:11:20,580
Here's a couple of tickets I was supposed to give my butcher,
279
00:11:20,747 --> 00:11:22,582
but he got stuck in the freezer and got pneumonia.
280
00:11:22,749 --> 00:11:24,625
Oh, wonderful.
281
00:11:24,792 --> 00:11:26,794
Wonderful my butcher got pneumonia?
282
00:11:26,919 --> 00:11:28,713
Boy, are you desperate.
283
00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:30,631
How many more now do you need, Rob?
284
00:11:30,757 --> 00:11:33,676
Let's see, with your 2 and Buddy's 2, 34.
285
00:11:33,843 --> 00:11:35,762
Why don't you call up the people and say you don't have tickets?
286
00:11:35,928 --> 00:11:37,805
I can't do that now.
287
00:11:37,930 --> 00:11:40,600
You mean you're gonna let 34 people get all dressed up,
288
00:11:40,767 --> 00:11:42,977
hire sitters, drive into town, just to tell them they have to drive back home,
289
00:11:43,102 --> 00:11:45,188
take off their clothes and un-hire the sitters?
290
00:11:45,313 --> 00:11:47,940
Sally, will you please not be so graphic?
291
00:11:48,107 --> 00:11:49,942
Let's just say I need 34 tickets.
292
00:11:50,109 --> 00:11:51,944
Now, any ideas, you guys?
293
00:11:52,111 --> 00:11:54,906
Yeah. I got it. I got an idea.
294
00:11:55,073 --> 00:11:56,240
Beginner's luck.
295
00:11:58,201 --> 00:12:00,328
Don't make jokes. This is on the level.
296
00:12:00,495 --> 00:12:02,371
This will solve the whole problem for you.
297
00:12:02,497 --> 00:12:03,998
You get the whole neighborhood together,
298
00:12:04,123 --> 00:12:05,333
put them in a chartered bus
299
00:12:05,500 --> 00:12:07,126
and drive them down to the studio.
300
00:12:07,293 --> 00:12:08,920
How does that solve the problem?
301
00:12:09,087 --> 00:12:10,630
Easy, you get a drunken bus driver,
302
00:12:10,797 --> 00:12:12,340
and it crashes into a lamppost.
303
00:12:15,009 --> 00:12:16,636
I got a better idea.
304
00:12:16,803 --> 00:12:18,971
Get a sober driver, have him hijack the bus
305
00:12:19,138 --> 00:12:21,808
and fly it out of the country.
306
00:12:21,974 --> 00:12:25,061
Thanks a lot, you guys. You've been a big help.
307
00:12:25,228 --> 00:12:27,063
I'm desperate, and you're making jokes.
308
00:12:27,230 --> 00:12:29,357
Oh, come on, Rob, it's only the P.T.A..
309
00:12:29,524 --> 00:12:31,317
Only the P.T.A.?
310
00:12:31,484 --> 00:12:33,361
Do you know what the P.T.A. stands for?
311
00:12:33,528 --> 00:12:35,780
Three things that I respect and fear--
312
00:12:35,947 --> 00:12:38,699
parents, teachers and associations.
313
00:12:40,284 --> 00:12:42,203
Especially when they're angry.
314
00:12:42,370 --> 00:12:44,247
I gotta get those tickets.
315
00:12:44,372 --> 00:12:46,749
All right, can you come up with any better ideas?
316
00:12:46,916 --> 00:12:48,960
I told Laurie that I'd beg, borrow and steal.
317
00:12:49,127 --> 00:12:50,711
So far, I've begged six from Mel,
318
00:12:50,837 --> 00:12:52,088
borrowed four from you guys...
319
00:12:52,255 --> 00:12:53,840
Now who can I steal from?
320
00:12:54,006 --> 00:12:55,716
Rob?
321
00:12:55,842 --> 00:12:58,678
Hey! Look who's here. Friar Tuck.
322
00:13:02,390 --> 00:13:04,225
Here are those tickets I promised you, Rob.
323
00:13:04,392 --> 00:13:07,353
One, two, three, four, five, six.
324
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:09,063
There you are. Thanks, Mel.
325
00:13:09,230 --> 00:13:11,065
Are all those others spoken for?
326
00:13:11,232 --> 00:13:12,942
Loudly and clearly.
327
00:13:13,109 --> 00:13:15,236
These are for the employees of the united nations.
328
00:13:15,403 --> 00:13:17,447
Well, couldn't you just let me have a few of them?
329
00:13:17,572 --> 00:13:20,408
Say, the ones you're holding for the less friendly nations?
330
00:13:20,575 --> 00:13:22,910
Come, now, Rob. You wouldn't want me
331
00:13:23,077 --> 00:13:24,704
to create an international situation
332
00:13:24,871 --> 00:13:26,164
just because of your P.T.A..
333
00:13:26,330 --> 00:13:27,915
Sure I would!
334
00:13:28,082 --> 00:13:30,710
( LAUGHS ) I know you're just joshing.
335
00:13:30,877 --> 00:13:31,878
Well, back to work.
336
00:13:32,044 --> 00:13:33,755
Uh, Mel, Mel...
337
00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:35,923
How does this week's show look?
338
00:13:36,048 --> 00:13:37,383
Fine, just great.
339
00:13:37,550 --> 00:13:39,177
Got a minute?
340
00:13:39,343 --> 00:13:40,970
Buddy came up with an idea for a comedy sketch,
341
00:13:41,137 --> 00:13:42,263
and we'd like to get your opinion on it.
342
00:13:42,430 --> 00:13:44,140
It'll only take a minute.
343
00:13:44,307 --> 00:13:46,350
If it was buddy's idea, it'll just take a second.
344
00:13:46,517 --> 00:13:49,937
We thought it'd be kind of funny if--
345
00:13:50,104 --> 00:13:51,981
( LAUGHS ) if Alan did a...
346
00:13:52,148 --> 00:13:54,984
( CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY )
347
00:13:55,151 --> 00:13:57,695
( LAUGHING )
348
00:13:57,862 --> 00:14:00,114
( CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY )
349
00:14:06,412 --> 00:14:10,124
he gets all involved with the--
350
00:14:10,249 --> 00:14:12,293
he gets all involved with the--
351
00:14:12,460 --> 00:14:13,961
With what?
352
00:14:14,087 --> 00:14:15,838
We haven't worked that part out yet.
353
00:14:17,465 --> 00:14:18,966
How do you like it so far?
354
00:14:20,635 --> 00:14:21,969
It's a riot.
355
00:14:22,136 --> 00:14:23,471
How would you know, curly?
356
00:14:23,638 --> 00:14:26,474
Will you please tell this person
357
00:14:26,641 --> 00:14:28,226
that I was not hired for this job
358
00:14:28,392 --> 00:14:29,894
to be the butt of his jokes?
359
00:14:30,061 --> 00:14:31,521
Hey! Whose jokes were you hired
360
00:14:31,646 --> 00:14:33,106
to be the butt of?
361
00:14:33,272 --> 00:14:36,109
Oh! Yechh!
362
00:14:36,275 --> 00:14:40,196
Mel! Mel, you dropped your tickets.
363
00:14:40,363 --> 00:14:42,156
BUDDY: Come on. Rob...
364
00:14:42,281 --> 00:14:44,450
That's funny. I could've sworn I put 'em right here.
365
00:14:44,617 --> 00:14:46,494
Maybe you got a hole in your pocket.
366
00:14:46,661 --> 00:14:49,789
No, I don't have a hole in my pocket. Look.
367
00:14:49,956 --> 00:14:52,333
Have you checked your head?
368
00:14:52,500 --> 00:14:54,460
Buddy, behave yourself, please.
369
00:14:54,627 --> 00:14:56,337
Mel, we've got a confession to make.
370
00:14:56,462 --> 00:14:57,964
We stole them from you
371
00:14:58,131 --> 00:14:59,382
to show you how desperate I am.
372
00:14:59,549 --> 00:15:01,384
I'm sorry. I'd like to help you,
373
00:15:01,551 --> 00:15:04,387
but my U.N. is more important than your P.T.A..
374
00:15:04,554 --> 00:15:07,223
U.N.P.T.A.! Hey, he knows five letters already!
375
00:15:07,390 --> 00:15:10,143
Next year, he'll be able to wave bye-bye.
376
00:15:12,311 --> 00:15:14,272
Well, that was a big step forward.
377
00:15:14,439 --> 00:15:16,065
Now you only need 34 tickets.
378
00:15:16,232 --> 00:15:18,067
And you only got a couple of hours to get 'em.
379
00:15:18,234 --> 00:15:19,902
What are you doing, Rob?
380
00:15:20,069 --> 00:15:22,155
Something I should've done a long time ago.
381
00:15:24,490 --> 00:15:26,534
Now, look, don't talk. Just listen to me.
382
00:15:26,701 --> 00:15:29,245
Now, I'm not gonna say that you could've reminded me,
383
00:15:29,412 --> 00:15:31,539
but you could've reminded me.
384
00:15:31,706 --> 00:15:34,333
Now, I've done my best. I've tried, begged, pleaded.
385
00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:38,212
My friends have stolen from me, and we're still 34 tickets shorts.
386
00:15:38,337 --> 00:15:40,089
Now, I've done everything I can, believe me.
387
00:15:40,256 --> 00:15:41,883
Will you do both of us a favor,
388
00:15:42,049 --> 00:15:43,384
call Mrs. Billings and tell her the truth?
389
00:15:43,509 --> 00:15:45,261
Tell her that I forgot the tickets,
390
00:15:45,428 --> 00:15:47,388
and if the P.T.A. wants to hate us and ostracize us,
391
00:15:47,555 --> 00:15:49,891
it's all right with me. I'm fed up! Let 'em go to--
392
00:15:50,016 --> 00:15:52,101
Ritchie, is Mommy home?
393
00:16:02,361 --> 00:16:05,406
Now, look, don't talk. Just listen to me.
394
00:16:05,573 --> 00:16:09,827
I begged and pleaded, and we're still 34 tickets short.
395
00:16:09,994 --> 00:16:11,162
We're not?
396
00:16:11,329 --> 00:16:12,830
Honey, you're kidding.
397
00:16:12,997 --> 00:16:14,123
What happened? What happened?
398
00:16:14,290 --> 00:16:15,374
Cancellations. That's great.
399
00:16:15,541 --> 00:16:17,085
How many do we need now?
400
00:16:17,210 --> 00:16:19,253
33.
401
00:16:22,090 --> 00:16:23,424
Big help.
402
00:16:23,549 --> 00:16:25,426
Can't I just call Mrs. Bill--
403
00:16:25,593 --> 00:16:27,303
all right. All right, honey.
404
00:16:27,470 --> 00:16:28,971
I'll keep trying.
405
00:16:31,224 --> 00:16:33,434
All right, what are you gonna do now?
406
00:16:33,601 --> 00:16:36,938
I'm gonna sit here, put my head in my hands,
407
00:16:37,063 --> 00:16:39,899
and try very hard not to cry.
408
00:16:49,117 --> 00:16:51,119
At least they're not here yet.
409
00:16:51,285 --> 00:16:53,579
Darling, I admire your courage. Not many people
410
00:16:53,746 --> 00:16:56,290
would come down to a theater to meet 43 people
411
00:16:56,457 --> 00:16:58,459
knowing that 33 of them aren't going to get in.
412
00:16:58,584 --> 00:17:00,962
We've still got a few minutes before they're due to arrive.
413
00:17:01,087 --> 00:17:04,298
How are you going to get 33 tickets in half an hour?
414
00:17:04,424 --> 00:17:06,175
By devious means, if necessary. excuse me.
415
00:17:06,342 --> 00:17:08,886
Pardon me, sir. I'm from out of town,
416
00:17:09,053 --> 00:17:11,097
and I'd like to see the show, but I don't have a ticket.
417
00:17:11,264 --> 00:17:12,640
I'm sorry, I only got this one.
418
00:17:12,807 --> 00:17:14,392
You wouldn't like to sell it. Who wouldn't?
419
00:17:14,559 --> 00:17:15,893
I'll sell anything for a price.
420
00:17:16,060 --> 00:17:17,353
How much? Make me an offer.
421
00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:19,355
Um, 50 cents? Sold.
422
00:17:19,522 --> 00:17:22,233
What'll you give me for the hat? No, thanks.
423
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:24,485
Can't blame a guy for trying.
424
00:17:24,610 --> 00:17:26,195
Good businessman.
425
00:17:26,362 --> 00:17:27,572
You bought that ticket from him.
426
00:17:27,739 --> 00:17:29,157
Honey, it was a bargain.
427
00:17:29,323 --> 00:17:30,992
But it's not legal, is it?
428
00:17:31,117 --> 00:17:33,035
No. Neither is tarring and feathering,
429
00:17:33,202 --> 00:17:34,996
and that's what they'll do to us if we don't get these tickets.
430
00:17:35,121 --> 00:17:37,165
I've got to find somebody.
431
00:17:41,711 --> 00:17:44,338
Uh, excuse me, miss? I'm from out of town.
432
00:17:44,464 --> 00:17:47,008
We came to see the show, and I only have one ticket.
433
00:17:47,133 --> 00:17:49,218
That's my wife over there.
434
00:17:49,385 --> 00:17:51,137
Oh, she's a very pretty lady.
435
00:17:51,304 --> 00:17:53,681
Yes, she is.
436
00:17:53,806 --> 00:17:56,267
But, you see, she doesn't have a ticket.
437
00:17:56,434 --> 00:17:58,561
Well, I couldn't give her my ticket.
438
00:17:58,728 --> 00:18:02,523
I love Alan Brady. I never miss his show.
439
00:18:02,690 --> 00:18:05,443
Yes, but I was wondering if you might have an extra ticket.
440
00:18:05,610 --> 00:18:09,572
Let me see. I might just have one.
441
00:18:09,739 --> 00:18:12,158
Are all those for The Alan Brady Show?
442
00:18:12,325 --> 00:18:13,701
Heavens, no.
443
00:18:13,826 --> 00:18:16,162
These are for all different shows.
444
00:18:16,329 --> 00:18:20,541
Quiz shows and game shows and kiddie shows.
445
00:18:20,708 --> 00:18:23,461
You see, I don't own a Television set.
446
00:18:26,422 --> 00:18:29,592
Oh, here's an extra one for your pretty wife.
447
00:18:29,759 --> 00:18:31,177
Oh, thank you very much.
448
00:18:31,344 --> 00:18:33,387
This is very, very kind of you.
449
00:18:33,554 --> 00:18:37,225
Uh, that'll be a dollar.
450
00:18:37,391 --> 00:18:39,685
A dollar? Take it or leave it.
451
00:18:39,852 --> 00:18:42,313
I just got one over there for 50 cents.
452
00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:46,275
From a fella in a battered hat? Yeah.
453
00:18:46,442 --> 00:18:49,570
He sells last week's tickets.
454
00:18:49,737 --> 00:18:52,240
That son of a gun!
455
00:18:52,365 --> 00:18:54,575
I run a legitimate business.
456
00:18:54,742 --> 00:18:56,702
Well, here you are, miss.
457
00:18:56,869 --> 00:18:59,288
Put that away! Why?
458
00:18:59,455 --> 00:19:02,417
The cops! Ow! Ow!
459
00:19:02,542 --> 00:19:04,085
What's going on here?
460
00:19:04,252 --> 00:19:06,129
Probably a cramp in his foot.
461
00:19:06,295 --> 00:19:07,422
Honey, what happened?
462
00:19:07,547 --> 00:19:09,298
A foot cramp.
463
00:19:09,465 --> 00:19:10,758
One of those kinds where the big toe
464
00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:12,760
separates from the other four? Yeah.
465
00:19:12,927 --> 00:19:14,595
Those are murder. I get those all the time.
466
00:19:14,762 --> 00:19:16,347
Just keep walking on it.
467
00:19:16,514 --> 00:19:19,392
Don't favor it. Step down real hard on it.
468
00:19:19,559 --> 00:19:21,769
I think it's fine, now. Thank you very much.
469
00:19:21,936 --> 00:19:23,479
You get those often? Once in a while.
470
00:19:23,646 --> 00:19:26,315
Could be your diet. May be your cholesterol.
471
00:19:26,482 --> 00:19:28,484
You had your cholesterol checked lately? Better have it checked.
472
00:19:28,651 --> 00:19:30,611
You know what else it could be? Tight shoes.
473
00:19:30,778 --> 00:19:34,782
You'd better loosen your shoelaces. I will. I--
474
00:19:34,949 --> 00:19:36,659
he's loosening my shoelaces.
475
00:19:36,826 --> 00:19:38,536
Keep wiggling your toes around in there.
476
00:19:38,703 --> 00:19:40,288
These italian shoes are too--
477
00:19:40,455 --> 00:19:41,789
that looks all right.
478
00:19:41,956 --> 00:19:43,541
That feels fine.
479
00:19:43,708 --> 00:19:45,293
Better watch your cholesterol. Will, will.
480
00:19:45,460 --> 00:19:47,086
Watch your shoelaces, too. You'll trip over them.
481
00:19:47,253 --> 00:19:48,421
Thank you.
482
00:19:50,381 --> 00:19:52,216
I'll take the dollar now.
483
00:19:52,383 --> 00:19:53,676
There you are, miss. Thank you very much.
484
00:19:53,843 --> 00:19:55,386
Uh, mister?
485
00:19:55,553 --> 00:19:57,764
You owe me ten cents more.
486
00:19:57,930 --> 00:19:59,140
What's the ten cents for?
487
00:19:59,307 --> 00:20:01,184
Federal tax.
488
00:20:01,350 --> 00:20:03,478
You charge federal tax?
489
00:20:03,644 --> 00:20:06,689
Young man, I run a legitimate business.
490
00:20:06,856 --> 00:20:08,483
Here's your dime.
491
00:20:08,649 --> 00:20:09,817
You ought to be ashamed,
492
00:20:09,942 --> 00:20:12,737
trying to cheat the government.
493
00:20:12,904 --> 00:20:15,573
Look at that. A patriotic ticket scalper.
494
00:20:15,740 --> 00:20:18,117
How many do we need now? 31, honey.
495
00:20:18,284 --> 00:20:19,577
One of them's from last week,
496
00:20:19,744 --> 00:20:21,621
but sneak it somewhere in the middle.
497
00:20:21,788 --> 00:20:23,498
How long have we got before the gang's due here?
498
00:20:23,623 --> 00:20:25,333
I'd say less than two seconds.
499
00:20:25,458 --> 00:20:27,335
Turn and greet your guests, darling.
500
00:20:27,460 --> 00:20:29,420
Oh, now I know how Custer felt.
501
00:20:29,587 --> 00:20:32,507
( ALL GREETING )
502
00:20:32,632 --> 00:20:34,509
Here you are. And here I am.
503
00:20:34,675 --> 00:20:36,344
And here's my wife.
504
00:20:36,469 --> 00:20:38,429
And all ready to see a fine show.
505
00:20:38,596 --> 00:20:40,098
Shall we go in? Yeah.
506
00:20:40,264 --> 00:20:41,724
Oh, I almost forgot.
507
00:20:41,891 --> 00:20:44,560
Honey, would you give me all the tickets
508
00:20:44,727 --> 00:20:46,771
except 31?
509
00:20:46,938 --> 00:20:49,107
All the tickets except 31?
510
00:20:49,273 --> 00:20:50,650
That's right.
511
00:20:50,817 --> 00:20:52,485
Here they are. Thank you, honey.
512
00:20:52,652 --> 00:20:54,362
Now, Mrs. Billings, here are 12 tickets.
513
00:20:54,529 --> 00:20:55,780
12 of you can go right on in.
514
00:20:55,947 --> 00:20:57,657
How about the other 31?
515
00:20:57,824 --> 00:21:00,201
Well, we have kind of a surprise for them.
516
00:21:00,368 --> 00:21:01,869
Don't we, dear? Oh, we do?
517
00:21:02,036 --> 00:21:04,205
I mean, we do! Yes, indeed.
518
00:21:04,372 --> 00:21:06,374
Mrs. Billings, would you have everyone
519
00:21:06,541 --> 00:21:08,543
rally over there in front of that sign?
520
00:21:08,709 --> 00:21:10,461
Everyone right over there.
521
00:21:10,628 --> 00:21:12,296
That's it, folks.
522
00:21:12,463 --> 00:21:14,382
Right over there.
523
00:21:14,507 --> 00:21:16,217
Honey, what are you going to do?
524
00:21:16,384 --> 00:21:18,636
I'm going to tell them the truth. The truth?
525
00:21:18,803 --> 00:21:20,721
Yeah, but I'm gonna do it so charmingly
526
00:21:20,888 --> 00:21:23,391
that there's a very good chance they won't kill me.
527
00:21:23,558 --> 00:21:26,352
Well, hello, neighbors. Hi there, how are you?
528
00:21:26,519 --> 00:21:28,438
How's the crabgrass? Ha ha ha ha!
529
00:21:30,523 --> 00:21:33,484
Well, fellow members of the P.T.A.
530
00:21:33,651 --> 00:21:36,821
I-- I have been living in our little community
531
00:21:36,988 --> 00:21:39,198
for the past couple of years.
532
00:21:39,365 --> 00:21:42,493
My son Ritchie goes to the public school.
533
00:21:42,660 --> 00:21:44,412
I'd like to go on record as saying--
534
00:21:44,579 --> 00:21:46,456
such incompetence! I demand--
535
00:21:46,622 --> 00:21:48,332
( OVERLAPPING SHOUTS )
536
00:21:48,499 --> 00:21:50,418
Mel? Mel? Mel? Ladies and gentlemen,
537
00:21:50,585 --> 00:21:52,420
I'd like you to meet the charming producer
538
00:21:52,587 --> 00:21:54,630
of The Alan Brady Show, Mr. Mel Cooley.
539
00:21:54,797 --> 00:21:56,716
Not now! I've got a problem!
540
00:21:56,883 --> 00:21:59,385
He's my boss.
541
00:21:59,552 --> 00:22:03,556
Folks, about six weeks ago...
542
00:22:03,723 --> 00:22:06,851
Uh, Mrs. Billings-- a very charming and lovely lady--
543
00:22:07,018 --> 00:22:09,562
requested 44 tickets to the--
544
00:22:09,729 --> 00:22:11,856
excuse me, Mr. Petrie.
545
00:22:12,023 --> 00:22:15,610
That's a perfectly lovely speech you're making. Thank you.
546
00:22:15,735 --> 00:22:17,612
But we did come down here to see a show.
547
00:22:17,779 --> 00:22:19,614
Shouldn't we be going into the studio?
548
00:22:19,739 --> 00:22:21,699
Yes, Mrs. Billings, you should.
549
00:22:21,866 --> 00:22:25,703
Uh, folks, I'm afraid I have a little surprise for you--
550
00:22:25,870 --> 00:22:28,372
Rob, Rob, Rob.
551
00:22:28,539 --> 00:22:30,875
Uh, excuse me. there seems to be some problem.
552
00:22:31,042 --> 00:22:32,919
Don't go away. I'll be right back.
553
00:22:33,086 --> 00:22:34,670
Excuse me, folks.
554
00:22:34,837 --> 00:22:37,799
Mrs. Petrie, is everything all right?
555
00:22:37,965 --> 00:22:40,927
Oh, yes, yes, everything's fine. Just fine, fine.
556
00:22:41,094 --> 00:22:44,639
Laura, what's wrong? Something's wrong. Is something wrong?
557
00:22:44,764 --> 00:22:47,683
I have a sneaking suspicion that Rob doesn't have the tickets.
558
00:22:47,850 --> 00:22:49,727
Yes, yes, he has tickets.
559
00:22:49,894 --> 00:22:52,814
No, I don't have any tickets. What?
560
00:22:52,980 --> 00:22:57,985
Folks, I might as well tell you the truth.
561
00:22:58,152 --> 00:23:01,781
Wait, now, don't turn into a mob.
562
00:23:01,948 --> 00:23:05,326
Folks, there seems to be a problem with tonight's show.
563
00:23:05,451 --> 00:23:07,578
The finale of tonight's show--
564
00:23:07,745 --> 00:23:09,372
which you were invited to see--
565
00:23:09,539 --> 00:23:11,416
is a parade scene.
566
00:23:11,582 --> 00:23:13,418
And it seems the producer neglected to hire enough extras
567
00:23:13,584 --> 00:23:15,503
to make a big enough crowd.
568
00:23:15,628 --> 00:23:18,548
Now, I know that I invited you down here to watch the show,
569
00:23:18,714 --> 00:23:20,633
but I'm wondering if I might impose upon all of you
570
00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:22,760
to be in the show.
571
00:23:22,927 --> 00:23:25,304
( ALL CHATTERING AT ONCE )
572
00:23:25,471 --> 00:23:26,681
what do you say?
573
00:23:26,806 --> 00:23:28,725
( ALL SHOUTING )
574
00:23:31,602 --> 00:23:33,688
Oh, Mr. Petrie,
575
00:23:33,855 --> 00:23:35,940
that's such a wonderful surprise.
576
00:23:36,107 --> 00:23:37,859
All right, folks, if you'll just follow me,
577
00:23:38,025 --> 00:23:40,278
I'll show you where the backstage entrance is.
578
00:23:40,445 --> 00:23:42,947
( OVERLAPPING CHATTER )
579
00:23:48,661 --> 00:23:51,330
Rob, you're a very lucky man.
580
00:23:51,497 --> 00:23:53,750
Why, that's what everyone told me at the wedding.
581
00:23:56,879 --> 00:23:58,756
Good night, Ritchie.
582
00:23:58,922 --> 00:24:00,966
Look, it's late. You go right to sleep.
583
00:24:01,133 --> 00:24:02,760
RITCHIE: Okay, Daddy!
584
00:24:02,926 --> 00:24:04,720
Oh, am I glad this day is over.
585
00:24:04,845 --> 00:24:06,722
Oh, me, too. Honey, will you remind me
586
00:24:06,847 --> 00:24:09,058
never to forget anything again?
587
00:24:09,183 --> 00:24:10,893
Oh, Rob!
588
00:24:11,018 --> 00:24:12,686
Are you all right?
589
00:24:12,853 --> 00:24:14,938
I'm fine.
590
00:24:15,105 --> 00:24:17,524
When are you going to stop tripping?
591
00:24:17,691 --> 00:24:20,903
As soon as our son remembers to pick up his toys!
592
00:24:21,070 --> 00:24:23,405
Well, like father, like son.
593
00:24:23,530 --> 00:24:25,532
I'm not like that! I don't leave my toy trucks
594
00:24:25,699 --> 00:24:27,076
laying all over the house.
595
00:24:27,201 --> 00:24:28,994
True, but you sometimes forget
596
00:24:29,161 --> 00:24:31,830
your toy briefcase.
597
00:24:31,997 --> 00:24:34,416
Aah! Honey! Oh!
598
00:24:34,541 --> 00:24:36,085
( SHOUTING )
599
00:24:36,210 --> 00:24:38,378
I'm sorry!
600
00:24:40,255 --> 00:24:41,924
~~42621
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