Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,250 --> 00:00:01,668
~~
2
00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:40,123
Commercial over, music fades,
3
00:00:40,249 --> 00:00:43,043
and Alan says, uh-- Alan says, uh...
4
00:00:43,168 --> 00:00:45,170
"Good night, folks. And remember--
5
00:00:45,295 --> 00:00:47,756
if you ever find yourself in hot water, take a bath."
6
00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:49,299
Good! Good, I like it!
7
00:00:49,424 --> 00:00:51,593
Oh, wait a minute. We can't do it? Why?
8
00:00:51,718 --> 00:00:52,928
We did it last week.
9
00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:54,930
Oh, yeah, that's where I heard it.
10
00:00:58,267 --> 00:01:00,269
Look, let's just have-- let's forget the joke
11
00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:02,604
and have Alan come out and sing a lullaby.
12
00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:05,190
A lullaby?! What's the matter with lullabies?
13
00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:07,025
Well, lullabies are fine, but they put me to sleep,
14
00:01:07,192 --> 00:01:08,861
and the show's too long now.
15
00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:11,029
We'll cut down some of the comedy spots.
16
00:01:11,154 --> 00:01:13,031
Cut down the comed-- Are you out of your m--
17
00:01:13,198 --> 00:01:15,742
Cut the comed-- Look at this! These jokes are gold!
18
00:01:15,868 --> 00:01:18,161
Not gold. Lead. I read 'em.
19
00:01:18,287 --> 00:01:20,706
You read 'em, but you don't listen to what you're reading.
20
00:01:20,831 --> 00:01:23,041
You gotta listen, you gotta hear it like Alan would say it.
21
00:01:23,208 --> 00:01:26,044
Look at this one. "Calling car 32, calling car 32!
22
00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:29,256
Wipe off your windshield, someone is stealing your radiator cap!"
23
00:01:29,381 --> 00:01:31,925
That's beautiful!
24
00:01:32,050 --> 00:01:33,594
How can you cut jokes like this?
25
00:01:33,719 --> 00:01:34,887
Easy.
26
00:01:37,014 --> 00:01:38,724
You're just sort 'cause I wrote the spot.
27
00:01:38,891 --> 00:01:40,642
Oh, what kind of a crack is that, Buddy?
28
00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:42,019
Well, you wrote-- I put down the thing--
29
00:01:42,144 --> 00:01:43,729
fellas, hold it, please.
30
00:01:43,896 --> 00:01:45,814
I have the solution. We'll compromise.
31
00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:47,941
We'll use the jokes and sing the lullaby.
32
00:01:48,066 --> 00:01:50,152
Yeah, swell, except we got no time for a lullaby.
33
00:01:50,277 --> 00:01:52,279
We'll have it if we sing it like this.
34
00:01:52,404 --> 00:01:53,906
( SINGING FAST ) ~ Rock-a-bye, baby, on the treetop ~
35
00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:55,240
~ When the wind blows ... ~
36
00:01:55,365 --> 00:01:59,369
Sally. Sally, all right already.
37
00:01:59,494 --> 00:02:02,122
~ Cradle and all
38
00:02:02,247 --> 00:02:04,750
Sally, will you cut out the joking around?
39
00:02:04,917 --> 00:02:06,585
Yeah, cut out the joking around. We're writing a comedy show.
40
00:02:06,752 --> 00:02:08,921
We got no time for jokes. Not for bad jokes.
41
00:02:09,087 --> 00:02:11,256
Bad jokes?! Did I ever write a bad joke?
42
00:02:11,381 --> 00:02:13,926
Look, you call this a bad joke? Listen to this.
43
00:02:14,051 --> 00:02:15,677
Alan's standing there and he says, "You know, folks,
44
00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:17,304
"today those foreign cars are so small,
45
00:02:17,429 --> 00:02:18,931
"I put out my hand to turn a corner,
46
00:02:19,097 --> 00:02:22,059
one of 'em ran up my sleeve."
47
00:02:22,184 --> 00:02:23,894
We need fresh humor on this show.
48
00:02:24,019 --> 00:02:25,604
Fellas, hold it!
49
00:02:25,771 --> 00:02:27,606
I suggest we take a nice five-minute break.
50
00:02:27,773 --> 00:02:29,274
I think Rob could use it.
51
00:02:29,399 --> 00:02:31,360
He looks like he could use a five-week break.
52
00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:33,070
What's with him?
53
00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:38,283
What's the matter, Rob? You sick or something?
54
00:02:38,450 --> 00:02:40,160
Or has your brain just run out of ideas?
55
00:02:40,285 --> 00:02:42,663
No, I'm all right, Sal. I'm just tired.
56
00:02:42,788 --> 00:02:44,373
Why don't you take a little rest, huh?
57
00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:46,959
Just relax. How about a cigarette, Buddy?
58
00:02:47,084 --> 00:02:49,127
No, thanks, I'll just take a puff of my pipe.
59
00:02:51,255 --> 00:02:55,676
Pipe? Looks more like a fancy pencil box.
60
00:02:55,801 --> 00:02:59,179
Oh, boy, that's a piece of furniture.
61
00:02:59,304 --> 00:03:01,807
It happens to be a Meershatz.
62
00:03:01,932 --> 00:03:03,308
I never heard of it.
63
00:03:03,433 --> 00:03:05,310
You never heard of Lazlo Meershatz,
64
00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:07,688
the greatest pipe maker in Vienna?
65
00:03:07,813 --> 00:03:09,314
This guy carved only four of them.
66
00:03:09,439 --> 00:03:10,858
Lucky.
67
00:03:12,484 --> 00:03:14,820
Where'd you get it? It was a present.
68
00:03:14,987 --> 00:03:16,363
Present? Yeah.
69
00:03:16,488 --> 00:03:18,323
From whom? Alan.
70
00:03:18,448 --> 00:03:20,659
Alan? Mm-hmm.
71
00:03:20,826 --> 00:03:22,953
Alan Brady? Yeah.
72
00:03:23,078 --> 00:03:24,830
You mean our boss gave it to you?
73
00:03:24,955 --> 00:03:26,415
Mm-hmm.
74
00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:28,208
Let's see, it's not Christmas,
75
00:03:28,333 --> 00:03:29,751
it's not your birthday.
76
00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:31,170
He just gave it to you like that,
77
00:03:31,336 --> 00:03:33,005
for no reason at all? How come?
78
00:03:33,130 --> 00:03:35,048
Maybe he appreciates my work.
79
00:03:35,174 --> 00:03:36,800
May I see it? Yeah.
80
00:03:38,427 --> 00:03:40,095
Hey, did you ever see the collection Alan has?
81
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:42,848
Oh, he must have 500 pipes in his den.
82
00:03:42,973 --> 00:03:45,058
In his den? In his house?
83
00:03:46,435 --> 00:03:48,061
No, the den in his car.
84
00:03:48,187 --> 00:03:49,396
What kind of a question is that?
85
00:03:51,315 --> 00:03:53,108
When were you at Alan's house?
86
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:55,402
Last night. We were chatting there for a while.
87
00:03:55,527 --> 00:03:57,446
Hey, isn't that a beautiful new game room he's got?
88
00:03:57,571 --> 00:03:59,281
Gorgeous the way he's got it fixed up.
89
00:03:59,406 --> 00:04:01,867
I wouldn't know. I haven't been to Alan's
90
00:04:02,034 --> 00:04:04,161
since I signed my contract last year.
91
00:04:04,286 --> 00:04:06,205
Well, uh, maybe if and when
92
00:04:06,371 --> 00:04:07,706
you sign a new contract next year,
93
00:04:07,873 --> 00:04:09,458
you might get to see it.
94
00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,418
Sally, let's get back to work. We've got a lot--
95
00:04:11,543 --> 00:04:13,128
Hold it, Charlie. Just 'cause you got a pipe
96
00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:14,505
don't make you head writer.
97
00:04:14,630 --> 00:04:16,715
Oh, I beg your pardon.
98
00:04:16,882 --> 00:04:19,176
Uh, sir, back to the rock pile?
99
00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:21,053
Yeah, yeah, let's get back to work.
100
00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:22,888
We need a bit at the finish.
101
00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:24,348
How about "Good night, folks"--
102
00:04:24,473 --> 00:04:26,058
No, Alan's sitting at the piano--
103
00:04:26,183 --> 00:04:28,393
Hey, is that ivory?
104
00:04:28,519 --> 00:04:31,230
No, it's a Meerschaum, I told you.
105
00:04:31,355 --> 00:04:33,273
Look--oh, ivory! Beautiful!
106
00:04:33,398 --> 00:04:35,400
Finish it with an ivory joke at the piano, right?
107
00:04:35,526 --> 00:04:37,319
He sits and he looks at the keys and says,
108
00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:39,863
"Do you realize that it takes two elephants
109
00:04:39,988 --> 00:04:41,740
to make the keys for a piano like this?"
110
00:04:41,907 --> 00:04:43,492
And the guest star says, "My, I didn't know
111
00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:46,828
those big brutes did such delicate work."
112
00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:49,957
Buddy, I don't like it. I don't like it.
113
00:04:50,082 --> 00:04:52,376
You don't like anything I come up with lately.
114
00:04:52,501 --> 00:04:54,962
All right, you're the head writer. You come up with something.
115
00:04:55,087 --> 00:04:57,130
Well, Alan just comes out, says, "Thanks a lot, folks,
116
00:04:57,256 --> 00:04:59,174
for being with us. We'll see you next week."
117
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:00,926
Hee hee! Oh, that's beautiful!
118
00:05:01,051 --> 00:05:02,845
They'll holler and scream at that!
119
00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:04,930
Okay, all right, you go right ahead
120
00:05:05,097 --> 00:05:07,140
and do your ivory bit.
121
00:05:07,266 --> 00:05:09,852
You know more about show business that I do.
122
00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:11,937
Just go ahead and run the whole show.
123
00:05:12,062 --> 00:05:14,481
I'll go home, maybe I'll get a little understanding there.
124
00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:25,951
Hi, sweetie. Hi, honey.
125
00:05:27,953 --> 00:05:29,454
Hi, Daddy! Hello, Daddy!
126
00:05:29,580 --> 00:05:31,373
Did you bring me anything?
127
00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:33,292
No, Rich, Daddy didn't bring you anything tonight.
128
00:05:33,458 --> 00:05:35,002
Then come and read me a story.
129
00:05:35,127 --> 00:05:38,046
Oh, Rich, not tonight. Daddy's tired.
130
00:05:38,172 --> 00:05:39,965
Not even Hansel and Gretel?
131
00:05:40,132 --> 00:05:41,508
Especially Hansel and Gretel.
132
00:05:41,633 --> 00:05:43,302
I've read it to you a hundred times.
133
00:05:43,427 --> 00:05:45,512
Aw, Daddy! Just to the funny part.
134
00:05:45,637 --> 00:05:47,931
The funny part? Yeah!
135
00:05:48,056 --> 00:05:50,934
When Hansel pushes the witch in the oven and burns her up.
136
00:05:51,059 --> 00:05:54,813
Oh. Ritchie, please, not tonight.
137
00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:58,066
Oh, Rob, I've been promising him all day you'd read to him.
138
00:05:58,192 --> 00:06:00,068
All right. Here, I'll read you
139
00:06:00,194 --> 00:06:02,070
a couple of pages out of this.
140
00:06:02,196 --> 00:06:03,614
The Brave Chief.
141
00:06:03,739 --> 00:06:05,490
Okay, okay.
142
00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:08,327
"Once upon a time, many moons ago,
143
00:06:08,452 --> 00:06:10,954
"the people of the wanakanda tribe
144
00:06:11,079 --> 00:06:13,415
"were ruled by a brave and fearless chief
145
00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:15,292
named chief crazy nose."
146
00:06:15,417 --> 00:06:17,252
Yeah, chief crazy nose. Yeah.
147
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:20,130
"He ruled wisely and well, and he took an oath
148
00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:22,090
"that, as long as he lived,
149
00:06:22,216 --> 00:06:24,843
he would smoke... The peace pipe."
150
00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:27,221
Yeah, pipe.
151
00:06:27,346 --> 00:06:29,264
"The pipe was a symbol."
152
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:31,016
Yeah, the pipe was a symbol.
153
00:06:31,183 --> 00:06:33,560
"This pipe--"
154
00:06:35,354 --> 00:06:38,232
Let's read Hansel and Gretel.
155
00:06:38,357 --> 00:06:40,025
Where is that part?
156
00:06:40,192 --> 00:06:41,902
I want to hear about the pipe.
157
00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:44,112
No, look, I'll read to you about the witch
158
00:06:44,238 --> 00:06:46,532
and where they push her in the oven and burn her. It's a nicer story.
159
00:06:48,534 --> 00:06:50,953
I want to hear about the pipe.
160
00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:53,539
Ritchie, what is so important about a pipe?
161
00:06:53,664 --> 00:06:56,208
Let's eat, Laurie. All right.
162
00:06:56,333 --> 00:06:58,085
Mommy didn't say ready yet.
163
00:06:58,210 --> 00:07:00,921
Ritchie, I said that is all, and I meant it!
164
00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:03,215
Ow! Mommy! Daddy hit me! He hit me!
165
00:07:03,340 --> 00:07:05,968
I did not hit you. I merely slammed the book down.
166
00:07:06,093 --> 00:07:07,344
I didn't hit you.
167
00:07:07,469 --> 00:07:09,555
Well, somebody did!
168
00:07:09,721 --> 00:07:12,474
Are you calling your father a liar?
169
00:07:12,599 --> 00:07:14,977
Daddy doesn't like me! He doesn't like me!
170
00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:17,104
Oh, I do too like you.
171
00:07:17,229 --> 00:07:19,064
I love you.
172
00:07:19,189 --> 00:07:21,275
Now, come out of there, you little monster.
173
00:07:23,235 --> 00:07:25,487
I love you. See?
174
00:07:30,075 --> 00:07:32,244
Go wash your hands for dinner, honey.
175
00:07:34,329 --> 00:07:36,415
Now, what was that all about?
176
00:07:36,540 --> 00:07:39,209
Well, why did you have to have me read to him about a pipe?
177
00:07:39,334 --> 00:07:41,420
Why couldn't I read about Hansel and Gretel
178
00:07:41,545 --> 00:07:43,088
and burning up the witch?
179
00:07:43,213 --> 00:07:44,965
It had to be about a pipe.
180
00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:47,426
That's all I've been hearing all day long is pipes.
181
00:07:47,551 --> 00:07:49,303
What pipes?
182
00:07:49,428 --> 00:07:51,305
Ohh.
183
00:07:51,430 --> 00:07:53,015
Buddy's been gloating all day
184
00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:55,100
about a pipe that Alan gave him.
185
00:07:57,436 --> 00:08:00,355
Well, he didn't give me a pipe.
186
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:03,650
I am supposed to be the head writer, you know.
187
00:08:03,775 --> 00:08:06,195
But, darling, you don't even smoke a pipe.
188
00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:09,573
It's not only the pipe.
189
00:08:09,698 --> 00:08:11,742
Buddy has been getting dinner invitations,
190
00:08:11,867 --> 00:08:14,620
expensive gifts from Alan all week long.
191
00:08:14,745 --> 00:08:17,372
All I've gotten is, "Good morning, Rob."
192
00:08:17,498 --> 00:08:19,666
Seems to me like he could show a little appreciation for the work I do.
193
00:08:19,791 --> 00:08:21,543
Rob, do you feel all right?
194
00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:23,337
Yeah, I feel fine. Why not?
195
00:08:23,462 --> 00:08:25,172
Your eyes look kind of funny.
196
00:08:25,297 --> 00:08:27,341
Boy, I'm glad something about me has been funny.
197
00:08:27,466 --> 00:08:29,176
My brain sure hasn't been.
198
00:08:29,301 --> 00:08:32,054
Maybe you'll feel better after dinner.
199
00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:34,598
Oh, honey, I haven't got any appetite.
200
00:08:34,723 --> 00:08:37,684
Look, I'm gonna go lie down a while. It's been a hard day.
201
00:08:37,809 --> 00:08:40,229
All right, dear.
202
00:08:40,354 --> 00:08:42,397
Look, Daddy, my hands are clean! All of 'em.
203
00:08:42,523 --> 00:08:43,607
Swell.
204
00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:51,490
Daddy doesn't like me.
205
00:08:51,657 --> 00:08:54,701
Oh, Ritchie, don't be silly. Your daddy loves me.
206
00:08:54,826 --> 00:08:58,497
He might love me, but he doesn't like me.
207
00:08:58,664 --> 00:09:00,207
Honey, he does too.
208
00:09:00,332 --> 00:09:01,792
He just doesn't like himself today.
209
00:09:01,917 --> 00:09:04,461
When will daddy like himself again?
210
00:09:04,586 --> 00:09:06,338
By tomorrow morning, I'm sure.
211
00:09:06,505 --> 00:09:09,424
Good. I like him better when he likes himself.
212
00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:15,472
Should I start your breakfast?
213
00:09:15,597 --> 00:09:18,475
Ohh. You'd better hold off on breakfast.
214
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,227
Not feeling any better?
215
00:09:20,352 --> 00:09:22,688
No. no, I'm-- I'm fine.
216
00:09:22,855 --> 00:09:24,731
I just haven't got my sea legs yet.
217
00:09:24,857 --> 00:09:26,066
( CHUCKLES )
218
00:09:26,191 --> 00:09:27,651
I'll do my 20 pushups
219
00:09:27,776 --> 00:09:29,152
and get the old blood circulating,
220
00:09:29,278 --> 00:09:30,529
I'll be right off to work.
221
00:09:30,696 --> 00:09:32,364
Nothing like 20 pushups
222
00:09:32,531 --> 00:09:34,491
to get a man off to a good start in the morning.
223
00:09:44,209 --> 00:09:45,711
That's one!
224
00:09:49,381 --> 00:09:52,134
That's--that's--
225
00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:54,052
that's still one.
226
00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:58,390
I'll tell you what.
227
00:09:58,515 --> 00:10:00,392
I think I'll do the one here.
228
00:10:00,559 --> 00:10:02,686
I'll do the other 19 down at the office.
229
00:10:05,689 --> 00:10:08,233
Honey, I think you'd better forget about the office today.
230
00:10:08,358 --> 00:10:11,236
Why? Your eyes still have that funny look.
231
00:10:11,403 --> 00:10:13,864
Because they've been closed all night.
232
00:10:13,989 --> 00:10:16,158
Come on, back to bed.
233
00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:18,410
Oh, now, Laurie, I gotta get down to the office
234
00:10:18,535 --> 00:10:20,287
and write that show. I've got half a show left to write.
235
00:10:20,412 --> 00:10:22,206
Rob, you're not well.
236
00:10:22,331 --> 00:10:24,333
Laurie, I'm perfectly all right.
237
00:10:24,458 --> 00:10:28,253
Really? Then how come you can't out-wrestle a 112-pound woman.
238
00:10:28,420 --> 00:10:31,757
Because I am not really trying, that's why.
239
00:10:31,924 --> 00:10:33,175
Try.
240
00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:34,593
Oh, all right.
241
00:10:34,718 --> 00:10:36,720
You want to play around? Okay.
242
00:10:40,641 --> 00:10:42,434
Ahh.
243
00:10:44,686 --> 00:10:46,688
( GRUNTS )
244
00:10:46,813 --> 00:10:50,275
okay, Gorgeous George, knock it off.
245
00:10:50,442 --> 00:10:52,903
So you're strong than me. What does that prove?
246
00:10:53,028 --> 00:10:54,446
It proves you're sick.
247
00:10:54,571 --> 00:10:56,532
Laurie, I'm perfectly all right.
248
00:10:56,657 --> 00:10:58,325
I've gotta get down there and write a show.
249
00:10:58,450 --> 00:11:00,619
Rob, Buddy and Sally can write it.
250
00:11:00,786 --> 00:11:02,871
Just what I'm afraid of. I've gotta get down there
251
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:04,665
and protect my job.
252
00:11:04,790 --> 00:11:07,292
Oh, you can't be worried about your job.
253
00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:09,628
I can't be worried about my job.
254
00:11:09,753 --> 00:11:12,130
Buddy already has my pipe.
255
00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:13,799
( SIGHS )
256
00:11:13,966 --> 00:11:16,218
For heaven's sake, Rob. Tell you what--
257
00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:18,262
if you stay in bed like a good little boy,
258
00:11:18,387 --> 00:11:19,805
I'll buy you a whole rack full of pipes,
259
00:11:19,930 --> 00:11:21,473
and you can blow bubbles and everything.
260
00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:23,392
I'll get you a coloring book and crayons.
261
00:11:23,517 --> 00:11:26,812
Laurie... I am not sick.
262
00:11:26,937 --> 00:11:30,315
Well, let's just see if Dr. Jacoby says you're not sick.
263
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,651
Oh, fine thing.
264
00:11:32,776 --> 00:11:34,653
You'd take the word of a strange doctor
265
00:11:34,778 --> 00:11:36,655
over that of your own husband.
266
00:11:38,866 --> 00:11:41,159
I'm going down there and write that show.
267
00:11:41,326 --> 00:11:42,870
Hello, Miss Wilson. This is Mrs. Petrie.
268
00:11:42,995 --> 00:11:44,913
May I speak with the doctor, please?
269
00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:46,540
Doctor? Laurie--
270
00:11:46,665 --> 00:11:48,250
I wonder if you could come over...
271
00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:49,835
Quite fooling around.
272
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:51,795
( INDISTINCT CHATTER )
273
00:11:56,842 --> 00:11:58,844
( STUFFY NOSE ) It's Rob Petrie, the head writer
274
00:11:59,011 --> 00:12:02,556
of the Alan Brady Show, that's who.
275
00:12:02,681 --> 00:12:06,185
I sound different because my wife thinks I've got a cold.
276
00:12:07,853 --> 00:12:10,189
All right. All right.
277
00:12:10,355 --> 00:12:12,482
I'll wait for his call.
278
00:12:13,859 --> 00:12:15,402
Who were you talking to, dear?
279
00:12:15,527 --> 00:12:16,862
I just called the office.
280
00:12:16,987 --> 00:12:18,405
Oh, how are things going?
281
00:12:18,530 --> 00:12:19,781
Oh, just great.
282
00:12:19,907 --> 00:12:21,909
What did Buddy have to say? Buddy?
283
00:12:22,034 --> 00:12:25,787
Buddy is in conference and can't be bothered with me.
284
00:12:25,913 --> 00:12:29,500
He will call me at his convenience.
285
00:12:29,625 --> 00:12:31,752
Laurie, I'm going down there.
286
00:12:31,877 --> 00:12:34,296
The natives are restless.
287
00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:36,715
Rob, you can't. You're sick.
288
00:12:36,882 --> 00:12:38,675
I am not sick!
289
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:41,220
But the doctor said you were to stay in bed.
290
00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:43,388
I'll prove to you that I am not sick.
291
00:12:43,514 --> 00:12:45,432
When you're sick, you haven't got any appetite, right?
292
00:12:45,557 --> 00:12:47,976
Right. And you can't taste anything.
293
00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:50,270
Rob--
294
00:12:50,395 --> 00:12:52,940
That should prove there's nothing wrong with my sense of taste.
295
00:12:53,065 --> 00:12:55,901
That was the best chicken broth I ever tasted.
296
00:12:56,068 --> 00:12:59,571
That was warm salt water for you to gargle with.
297
00:13:09,748 --> 00:13:11,416
ROB: Hello? Rob?
298
00:13:11,542 --> 00:13:13,293
Buddy. Yeah.
299
00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:15,003
Buddy, I called you three hours ago.
300
00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:16,630
Why didn't you call me back?
301
00:13:16,755 --> 00:13:18,757
I'm sorry, Rob, but sally and me
302
00:13:18,924 --> 00:13:20,801
have been working like crazy on the show.
303
00:13:20,926 --> 00:13:22,886
Oh, how's it coming?
304
00:13:23,011 --> 00:13:24,680
Beautiful, beautiful.
305
00:13:24,805 --> 00:13:26,890
We got a great idea for the sketch.
306
00:13:27,015 --> 00:13:29,601
We showed it to Alan, and he flipped over it.
307
00:13:29,726 --> 00:13:32,688
Oh, well, I'm sorry I can't help you punch it up, Buddy.
308
00:13:32,813 --> 00:13:34,815
You don't have to help us punch it up.
309
00:13:34,940 --> 00:13:37,025
Alan said it's the funniest thing he's seen all season.
310
00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:39,736
You mean...
311
00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:43,365
You don't want it... Punched up?
312
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:45,450
Look, Rob, when are you coming back to work?
313
00:13:45,617 --> 00:13:46,952
Tomorrow morning, buddy.
314
00:13:47,119 --> 00:13:48,579
We've got to start on the opening monologue.
315
00:13:48,704 --> 00:13:49,955
Stay home, take care of yourself.
316
00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:51,582
We're fine down here.
317
00:13:51,707 --> 00:13:53,792
You don't, uh, need me?
318
00:13:53,959 --> 00:13:55,586
Hey, look, Rob, I gotta hang up on you.
319
00:13:55,711 --> 00:13:57,045
Alan just called for Sally and I to come in
320
00:13:57,171 --> 00:13:58,672
for a conference for next week's show.
321
00:13:58,797 --> 00:14:01,466
Buddy, you-- Next week's--
322
00:14:01,592 --> 00:14:05,387
Next week's show? Where does he get off doing next week's show?
323
00:14:06,889 --> 00:14:08,640
What are you doing out of bed?
324
00:14:08,765 --> 00:14:10,934
Oh. I'm all well!
325
00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:13,520
I'm all right. I just had a touch of seven-hour virus.
326
00:14:13,645 --> 00:14:15,731
It's all gone. I'll just have a last gargle
327
00:14:15,856 --> 00:14:17,107
and be right on my way.
328
00:14:17,232 --> 00:14:19,651
Rob. Rob! ( GARGLING )
329
00:14:19,776 --> 00:14:22,779
You're gargling with chicken rice soup.
330
00:14:26,074 --> 00:14:28,535
Rice? Yes.
331
00:14:28,660 --> 00:14:31,622
Good. I thought my teeth were falling out.
332
00:15:38,856 --> 00:15:40,858
( RUSTLING )
333
00:15:40,983 --> 00:15:42,442
( LAURA GROANS )
334
00:16:51,220 --> 00:16:53,138
( DOOR CREAKS )
335
00:17:03,232 --> 00:17:04,816
( WHISPERING ) Mommy.
336
00:17:04,942 --> 00:17:06,568
Oh, good morning, sweetheart.
337
00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:08,487
Don't make any noise. Daddy isn't feeling well.
338
00:17:08,654 --> 00:17:10,113
Can I keep the dollar bill?
339
00:17:10,239 --> 00:17:11,949
What, sweetie?
340
00:17:12,074 --> 00:17:13,992
Can I keep the dollar bill?
341
00:17:14,117 --> 00:17:16,954
Oh, yes. Sure, sweetie, keep it.
342
00:17:19,873 --> 00:17:22,042
Can I keep it even if I tell you?
343
00:17:22,167 --> 00:17:23,794
Yeah.
344
00:17:23,919 --> 00:17:26,547
Ritchie? Come here.
345
00:17:27,798 --> 00:17:29,007
Tell me what?
346
00:17:29,132 --> 00:17:31,009
What I'm not supposed to tell you.
347
00:17:32,719 --> 00:17:34,555
What aren't you supposed to tell me?
348
00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:36,014
That dad's gone to work.
349
00:17:36,139 --> 00:17:38,809
Oh. that Daddy's gone to work?!
350
00:17:38,934 --> 00:17:41,520
Oh, no, he wouldn't.
351
00:17:41,687 --> 00:17:44,147
What--he'd sneak out of here with--
352
00:17:44,273 --> 00:17:47,860
Rob! Rob petrie, you come back here! ( CAR DRIVES OFF )
353
00:17:48,026 --> 00:17:50,737
ohh! Foolish man.
354
00:17:50,863 --> 00:17:52,531
That foolish, stupid man!
355
00:17:52,698 --> 00:17:53,991
Why is Daddy stupid?
356
00:17:54,116 --> 00:17:56,702
Because he doesn't know how smart he is.
357
00:17:56,869 --> 00:17:58,662
He's stupid because he's smart?
358
00:17:58,787 --> 00:18:00,289
Well, not really stupid, dear.
359
00:18:00,414 --> 00:18:01,832
I used the wrong word.
360
00:18:01,957 --> 00:18:03,292
What's the right word?
361
00:18:03,417 --> 00:18:04,960
There's a word grown-ups use
362
00:18:05,085 --> 00:18:06,837
to describe the way your daddy's feeling.
363
00:18:06,962 --> 00:18:08,172
Is it "unsecure"?
364
00:18:08,297 --> 00:18:10,007
Unsec--
365
00:18:12,384 --> 00:18:14,803
where did you hear that word?
366
00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:17,556
On Popeye Theater. On Popeye Theater?
367
00:18:17,723 --> 00:18:20,726
Yeah, that's what Olive Oyl called Popeye
368
00:18:20,893 --> 00:18:23,061
when he didn't know how strong he was.
369
00:18:23,228 --> 00:18:26,273
And who said television wasn't educational?
370
00:18:26,398 --> 00:18:28,233
I didn't!
371
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:36,867
( SNEEZES )
372
00:18:47,753 --> 00:18:50,005
Don't worry. Alan will love it. Believe me, I know.
373
00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:52,090
After all, I am the producer.
374
00:18:54,092 --> 00:18:56,762
( LAUGHING )
375
00:19:02,434 --> 00:19:04,311
Oh, shut up.
376
00:19:04,436 --> 00:19:08,357
Rob, what on earth are you doing here?
377
00:19:08,482 --> 00:19:11,652
I work here. At least I did two days ago.
378
00:19:11,777 --> 00:19:13,654
Just a moment.
379
00:19:13,779 --> 00:19:14,947
Rob, what are you doing here?
380
00:19:15,072 --> 00:19:16,240
Rob, how do you feel?
381
00:19:16,365 --> 00:19:18,116
I'm fine. Fine?
382
00:19:18,242 --> 00:19:20,911
You look like an ad for "Send this boy to camp".
383
00:19:21,036 --> 00:19:23,914
Well, I don't want to go to camp.
384
00:19:24,039 --> 00:19:25,624
Just a moment!
385
00:19:25,791 --> 00:19:27,251
Where do you think you're going?
386
00:19:27,376 --> 00:19:29,336
To my office, naturally.
387
00:19:29,461 --> 00:19:30,879
As producer of this show,
388
00:19:31,004 --> 00:19:32,673
I forbid you to enter this office.
389
00:19:32,798 --> 00:19:35,175
You're contagious. Contagious?
390
00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:37,886
The Alan Brady Show goes on the air tomorrow night.
391
00:19:38,011 --> 00:19:39,847
I'm not going to risk Alan's health
392
00:19:39,972 --> 00:19:42,224
by allowing you to come in contact with him.
393
00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:44,309
I came here to write for him,
394
00:19:44,476 --> 00:19:46,812
not to kiss him.
395
00:19:46,979 --> 00:19:48,647
Rob, wait a minute. We don't need you.
396
00:19:48,814 --> 00:19:50,691
Old blubber-nose here is right.
397
00:19:50,816 --> 00:19:52,359
Yeah, Rob, the show's all written.
398
00:19:52,484 --> 00:19:53,902
There's no sense in taking the chance
399
00:19:54,027 --> 00:19:55,654
on giving us all the flu.
400
00:19:55,821 --> 00:19:57,030
So you just get right back on that elevator
401
00:19:57,155 --> 00:19:58,740
and take your germs with you.
402
00:19:58,866 --> 00:20:00,325
Wait, what about next week's show?
403
00:20:00,450 --> 00:20:01,952
Don't worry about it. It's all laid out.
404
00:20:02,077 --> 00:20:03,453
And it sure looks like a winner.
405
00:20:03,579 --> 00:20:05,372
Yeah, look, you take care of the germs,
406
00:20:05,497 --> 00:20:07,332
we'll take care of the jokes.
407
00:20:07,457 --> 00:20:09,251
Rob, I just don't understand
408
00:20:09,376 --> 00:20:11,753
how you could be so selfish and unthinking.
409
00:20:11,879 --> 00:20:14,047
Now, you go home and stay there.
410
00:20:14,173 --> 00:20:16,216
Down?
411
00:20:16,341 --> 00:20:18,260
Yeah, down.
412
00:20:18,385 --> 00:20:21,805
Down and...out.
413
00:20:28,061 --> 00:20:32,191
( CHATTER ON TV ) ( LAUGHING )
414
00:20:32,357 --> 00:20:34,860
How ridiculous?
415
00:20:35,027 --> 00:20:38,780
Go ahead, laugh me into the unemployment office.
416
00:20:38,906 --> 00:20:41,116
Rob, it's funny.
417
00:20:41,241 --> 00:20:42,868
I hate to tell you this, sir,
418
00:20:43,035 --> 00:20:45,078
but you're eating my wife's hat.
419
00:20:45,204 --> 00:20:46,872
( LAUGHING )
420
00:20:48,540 --> 00:20:50,209
Oh, it's not that funny.
421
00:20:50,375 --> 00:20:54,880
I know, dear, but he's eating it funny.
422
00:20:55,005 --> 00:20:57,007
The audience seems to think so, too.
423
00:20:57,132 --> 00:20:59,176
That happens to be a great audience.
424
00:20:59,301 --> 00:21:01,053
They've been laughing at everything.
425
00:21:01,220 --> 00:21:04,139
Rob, I've never seen you like this.
426
00:21:04,264 --> 00:21:06,725
You're usually so honest and objective.
427
00:21:06,892 --> 00:21:09,269
It's pretty hard to be honest when you find out you're not needed.
428
00:21:09,394 --> 00:21:12,064
Oh, darling, of course you're needed.
429
00:21:12,231 --> 00:21:15,192
No, I'm not. they're doing a great show without me.
430
00:21:15,317 --> 00:21:17,736
What are you gonna do?
431
00:21:17,903 --> 00:21:20,239
I'm gonna call Alan and tell him it's a great show...
432
00:21:20,405 --> 00:21:21,990
And resign.
433
00:21:22,115 --> 00:21:24,159
Resign? Oh, Rob,
434
00:21:24,284 --> 00:21:27,079
why would you want to do a silly thing like that?
435
00:21:27,246 --> 00:21:28,914
I don't think it's so silly.
436
00:21:29,039 --> 00:21:31,083
It's better for me to resign before I get fired.
437
00:21:31,208 --> 00:21:32,793
At least it'll look better on my record
438
00:21:32,918 --> 00:21:34,419
when I go look for another job.
439
00:21:34,586 --> 00:21:37,089
Rob, nobody can take your place.
440
00:21:37,214 --> 00:21:39,258
You're the head writer on the Alan Brady Show
441
00:21:39,424 --> 00:21:41,927
because you've got talent, you've got taste,
442
00:21:42,094 --> 00:21:44,471
you've got sensitivity.
443
00:21:44,596 --> 00:21:46,431
I haven't got a pipe.
444
00:21:48,016 --> 00:21:49,268
Rob...
445
00:21:49,434 --> 00:21:50,853
Oh, let's face it, honey.
446
00:21:50,978 --> 00:21:52,271
Why pay three writers to do a show
447
00:21:52,437 --> 00:21:54,439
when two can do it just as well?
448
00:21:54,606 --> 00:21:56,400
I'm gonna wait till he signs off the air,
449
00:21:56,525 --> 00:21:58,151
and I'm gonna call him and tell him.
450
00:21:58,277 --> 00:22:00,028
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )
451
00:22:00,153 --> 00:22:01,488
Come on, alan, say your good nights.
452
00:22:01,613 --> 00:22:03,282
I got an important phone call for you.
453
00:22:03,407 --> 00:22:06,160
Save you a lot of money and embarrassment.
454
00:22:06,285 --> 00:22:08,537
ALAN: Well, that's it for tonight, folks. I hope you liked or show.
455
00:22:08,662 --> 00:22:10,455
Oh, by the way, before I say good night,
456
00:22:10,622 --> 00:22:12,249
I have an important phone call to make.
457
00:22:12,374 --> 00:22:14,084
Yeah, me, too.
458
00:22:14,209 --> 00:22:16,461
( PHONE RINGS ) Hello?
459
00:22:16,628 --> 00:22:19,590
Hello, I'd like to speak with Rob Petrie, please.
460
00:22:19,715 --> 00:22:22,342
I'm--I--it's I! I'm him, Al!
461
00:22:22,467 --> 00:22:25,137
Alan, it's me-- Rob!
462
00:22:25,304 --> 00:22:27,931
Look, head writer, will you please shake that virus and get back to work?
463
00:22:28,056 --> 00:22:29,892
Don't make us go through another week without you.
464
00:22:30,017 --> 00:22:31,310
If you got sick just to prove we need you,
465
00:22:31,435 --> 00:22:33,312
you made your point.
466
00:22:33,478 --> 00:22:35,147
By the way, I have a message from your co-writers
467
00:22:35,272 --> 00:22:36,982
I'd like to read to you. It says...
468
00:22:37,149 --> 00:22:40,027
"Dear Rob... He-e-e-e-elp!"
469
00:22:42,112 --> 00:22:43,906
And it's signed "Buddy and Sally".
470
00:22:44,031 --> 00:22:45,866
Is there an answer, Rob?
471
00:22:45,991 --> 00:22:48,619
Yeah. Tell them I hated the show.
472
00:22:48,744 --> 00:22:50,913
It was too good.
473
00:22:51,038 --> 00:22:52,915
Folks, he said he hated the show. It was too good.
474
00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:54,374
Well, take it easy, Rob. See you soon.
475
00:22:54,500 --> 00:22:56,168
Yeah, Alan. see you.
476
00:22:56,293 --> 00:22:58,003
Well, that's it for tonight, folks.
477
00:22:58,128 --> 00:23:00,005
Remember--when you walk down the street,
478
00:23:00,172 --> 00:23:02,382
keep a smile on your face. You'll be amazed
479
00:23:02,508 --> 00:23:04,301
at how many people will come up to you
480
00:23:04,426 --> 00:23:06,553
and say, "What's so funny?"
481
00:23:10,182 --> 00:23:11,975
Hey, you.
482
00:23:12,100 --> 00:23:13,268
Look out, you'll catch my cold.
483
00:23:13,393 --> 00:23:15,020
I'll take my chances.
484
00:23:15,187 --> 00:23:16,522
I said, "For better or worse,
485
00:23:16,647 --> 00:23:18,232
in sickness and in health."
486
00:23:18,357 --> 00:23:21,527
Ah, it's only a chest cold anyway.
487
00:23:26,490 --> 00:23:28,909
( HUMMING )
488
00:23:30,494 --> 00:23:32,538
Hey! There he is! Welcome home!
489
00:23:32,663 --> 00:23:34,289
Welcome home, Robbie!
490
00:23:34,414 --> 00:23:36,041
Beautiful! You're looking well.
491
00:23:36,166 --> 00:23:37,668
A little welcome-home present from me to you.
492
00:23:37,793 --> 00:23:40,128
Aww, Sally, you didn't have to do that.
493
00:23:40,254 --> 00:23:41,547
Be careful, be careful.
494
00:23:41,713 --> 00:23:43,507
Careful? Yes, be careful.
495
00:23:43,632 --> 00:23:45,092
It's chicken soup.
496
00:23:47,344 --> 00:23:48,971
Yeah, made it myself.
497
00:23:49,096 --> 00:23:51,265
Laura told me you like to gargle with it.
498
00:23:53,433 --> 00:23:55,519
Say, uh, a little something from me to you.
499
00:23:55,644 --> 00:23:58,063
Just kind of a token of my esteem.
500
00:24:00,649 --> 00:24:02,943
Buddy, your Meershatz pipe!
501
00:24:04,611 --> 00:24:07,072
Oh, Buddy, I can't take this.
502
00:24:07,239 --> 00:24:09,199
That's all right. That one's yours.
503
00:24:09,324 --> 00:24:11,285
I got my own right here.
504
00:24:11,410 --> 00:24:13,412
Where'd you get that one?
505
00:24:13,579 --> 00:24:14,997
Same place I got that one--
506
00:24:15,122 --> 00:24:16,456
down at the corner drug store.
507
00:24:18,417 --> 00:24:20,586
You mean Alan didn't give you that pipe?
508
00:24:20,711 --> 00:24:22,421
Alan? Give me a present?
509
00:24:22,588 --> 00:24:24,423
It aggravates him to give me my salary.
510
00:24:26,592 --> 00:24:28,510
You mean to tell me that all that jazz
511
00:24:28,635 --> 00:24:30,971
about Lazlo Meershatz and the pipe--
512
00:24:31,096 --> 00:24:33,557
you just made that up to make us both feel like second bananas?
513
00:24:33,682 --> 00:24:35,100
Yeah.
514
00:24:35,267 --> 00:24:37,144
Good thinking!
515
00:24:37,269 --> 00:24:40,022
Are you kidding? You really went for all that stuff about--
516
00:24:40,147 --> 00:24:42,149
Hoo-hoo! Boy, I really put you on!
517
00:24:42,274 --> 00:24:44,276
Had her fooled. I--
518
00:24:44,401 --> 00:24:46,278
Oh, you knew I was kiddin', didn't you, Rob?
519
00:24:46,445 --> 00:24:48,447
Me? Heh! Yeah!
520
00:24:48,572 --> 00:24:50,949
( ALL LAUGHING )
521
00:24:52,367 --> 00:24:54,328
~~38156
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.