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[theme music]
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"The Dick Van Dyke Show," starring Dick Van Dyke,
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Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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[dramatic music]
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Well, if you must know, I'm going for a drive.
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Well, don't expect to find me waiting up for you--
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Mr. Astaire.
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Lock up when you come home, please.
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I may not be home.
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What was that all about?
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You missed a good fight.
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What was the fight about?
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Well, you know people.
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It wasn't about anything.
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How did it start?
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Well, all I know, I was floating around, minding
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my own business, watching.
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[nostalgic string music]
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[telephone rings]
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Hello?
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Oh, Millie, yes, I did call you.
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Well, nothing really, just to complain.
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Well, shall I list them in alphabetical order?
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All righty.
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The repairmen didn't show up--
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none of them.
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Well, everything's stopped up-- the washing machine,
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the garbage disposal, Ritchie's nose.
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Yes, I had to keep him home from school today.
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It's the worst mistake I've ever made.
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He's had me almost out of my mind.
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[glass breaking] He's at it again.
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Just a minute.
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Ritchie, what was that?
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RITCHIE: Nothing!
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[sighs] Richard, come in here, please.
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Millie, I'll have to call you back.
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Bye-bye.
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Ritchie!
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Ritchie.
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What have you been up to in there?
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What is going on?
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Oh, for heaven's sake.
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Daddy's shaving lotion all over the floor, and broken--
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It's scrubbed off.
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LAURA: --and broken glass!
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Ritchie, how many times have I told you to stay
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out of that medicine cab--
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now, that does it.
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You go into your room and wash your face and hands.
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No, don't go in there till I clean up the glass.
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Get a towel from the kitchen.
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Just wait till your father comes home-- and why doesn't he?
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RITCHIE: There's the car.
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He's home now!
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Well, it's about time.
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[metal clattering]
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Ritchie, if you bring one more thing--
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[sighs] Snow White lives.
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Oh, what a day.
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You wouldn't believe it.
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You just would not believe it.
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Alan wanted a complete rewrite.
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Buddy came in late.
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Sally left early.
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I lost my wallet.
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I got a ticket for jaywalking.
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And on top of that, I think I'm getting a cold sore.
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What is that smell?
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Your son broke a bottle of shaving lotion.
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Oh, no, not my Essence of Matador?
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No it's the-- the other one, that cowboy stuff.
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My Stirrup and Saddle?
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Yes.
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That stuff runs 4 bucks a bottle.
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Rob, don't go in there in your bare feet.
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I'm not in my bare feet.
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I may be a little casual in my dressing room.
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And now, darling, let's not have any remarks
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about the way I'm dressed.
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If you'd have the kind of day that I've had.
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I was talking about me, not you.
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Well, I know what you're thinking.
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You probably expect to come home and find me dressed
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in a ball gown and a tiara.
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I didn't even get out of my bathrobe until 3 o'clock.
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Maybe you would like to hear about the rest of my day.
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All I'm asking, darling, is for a little understanding when
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you come home, a little charm.
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Charm?
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Honey, who do you think I am?
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Fred Astaire?
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It wouldn't hurt you to emulate him.
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What-- what do you want me to do?
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Come home every night and dance my way into your heart?
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Honey, do you remember I work in the big city?
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Mm.
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And life is very exciting here on the Riviera.
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Hi, Daddy.
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Oh. Hi, Ritchie.
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That's right.
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Side with him.
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All I said was hi, Ritchie.
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Sure, you can afford to say hi, Richie.
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You don't have to clean up after him.
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Laura.
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Richie, dear, say good night and go to bed.
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Goodnight, Daddy.
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Goodnight, son.
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I'll be in in a minute, darling.
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Never mind, Mommy.
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You're going to have to talk to that boy.
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I would love to.
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You just sent him to bed.
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Fine.
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You talk to him later.
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I've had dinner waiting for an hour.
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ROB: I've had mine.
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You've had your dinner?
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Well, yeah.
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I had to work late, so I picked up a fast cheese
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sandwich on the way home.
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I thought I'd save you the bother.
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Well, why didn't you call me?
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ROB: I forgot.
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Did it ever occur to you, Rob, that I might like to eat?
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Well, go ahead. Who's stopping you?
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What do you want me to do, cook it for you?
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Honey, I'm sorry.
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[newspaper rustling]
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That's the sports.
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It's just that, well, everything went wrong today.
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Then I suppose you think everything went right for me.
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I didn't say that.
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Oh! Ow!
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Oh! Mm.
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Ah!
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Oh!
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Ooh, darn, darn, ottoman!
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Well, you don't have to bark at me.
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The ottoman's been in this room for years, Mr. Astaire.
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I wasn't barking at you, Ginger.
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I was talking to the ottoman.
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What are you doing?
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I'm going to sit here and make some paper
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hats for this gay party we seem to be having.
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Darling, why don't you save your marvelous jokes
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for the office?
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There are a few more important matters around here
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that require your attention.
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Listen, when I have had a hard day at the office,
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I would like very much to come home.
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So why don't you?
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You don't come home.
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You don't call.
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I'm here!
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I came home!
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You refuse to speak to Richie.
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Refused?
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You just sent him to bed.
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And all you do is just sit there reading your paper.
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How can I read the paper?
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You tore it up.
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Of course I tore it up.
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I don't know how to handle a newspaper.
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I'm not familiar with the way it's folded because I
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never get time to read one.
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(WEEPY) I'm cooped up here, Rob.
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And the whole time, you're down there.
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And I-- you come home, I knock myself out,
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and you have the nerve to--
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well, you try it sometime!
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All right.
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Very well.
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If that is the way you want it, have it your own way.
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That's the way you want it.
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You'd probably like to know where I'm going.
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Very well.
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If you must know, I'm going for a drive.
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Well, don't expect to find me waiting up for you--
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Mr. Astaire.
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Lock up when you come home, please.
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I-- I may not come home.
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[door slams]
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[doorbell chimes]
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Good morning, Millie.
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Thank you for coming.
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I have to talk to somebody.
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Well, I would have come sooner,
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but I had to get Freddie off to school.
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Rob hasn't even phoned?
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Not a word.
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Well, where do you suppose he was all night?
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I don't know.
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Millie, he's never done anything like this before. (CRYING)
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I'm so worried.
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Well, he's-- now, he's a grown man.
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He probably checked in at a hotel,
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or maybe he stayed with friends.
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[sighs] No, he didn't.
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He wouldn't.
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Millie, he's never not come home before.
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If anything's happened to him, I'll kill him.
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Now, calm down.
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Calm down, and tell me just what happened.
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Well, I had a hard day yesterday.
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Well, I told you.
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Ritchie was just impossible.
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But-- well, in spite of that, I managed to cook a nice
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dinner and tried to be as pleasant
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as I possibly could be and--
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and I was.
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I went to the trouble to set a beautiful table
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and make myself presentable.
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Well, what thanks did I get?
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Rob came in wild, like a roaring tiger.
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Arrrh, what a day.
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Darling, you're home.
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I know that.
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Don't kiss me.
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I got a cold sore.
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Why don't you fix yourself up?
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What is that smell?
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My Secret Secret.
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I thought you'd like it.
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Open a window.
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Is dinner ready?
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It's all ready, darling.
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Well, I've had it.
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You've had dinner?
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Well, what do you think I had?
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Breakfast?
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Darling, if only you'd told me.
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I can't read your mind, you know.
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Well, see that you don't.
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Is this today's paper.
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Yes, dear.
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Then I've read it.
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Ritchie say anything cute today?
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No, not that I can remember.
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Well, tell him to get on with it.
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What is the use of having a kid around the house,
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if he can't be cute?
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- You're right, dear. - Where is he.
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Well, he's in his room.
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He's just waiting for you to come in and--
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Well, tell him to stay-- ow! Ow!
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Ow! Ooh!
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How did that thing get there?
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Well, Rob, we've always had that ottoman.
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Well, get rid of it.
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I can't stand it.
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Oh, geez.
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Darling, you bought the ottoman before we were married.
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Oh, that's it.
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Blame me.
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Why did you marry me if you didn't like my ottoman?
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Darling, I love your ottoman.
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Oh, so that's it?
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You like my ottoman better than you like me, huh?
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Well, you know what you can do?
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You can keep your ottoman, and I'll go.
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Oh, Rob, darling, you're just tired.
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I-- I don't know how you do it, working so hard,
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writing all those marvelous jokes.
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That does it.
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Sarcasm is one thing I don't take from anybody.
269
00:10:57,198 --> 00:10:58,065
That's right, darling.
270
00:10:58,165 --> 00:10:59,467
You go for a nice walk.
271
00:10:59,567 --> 00:11:02,236
I'll wait up for you till you come home.
272
00:11:02,336 --> 00:11:05,206
I may not be home!
273
00:11:05,306 --> 00:11:07,408
[door slams]
274
00:11:10,878 --> 00:11:14,215
Now, Laura, Rob didn't say all those things.
275
00:11:14,315 --> 00:11:16,284
Millie, I give you my word.
276
00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:17,285
Oh, come on.
277
00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:19,120
I know Rob.
278
00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:22,123
Well, maybe he didn't say all those words,
279
00:11:22,223 --> 00:11:24,025
but that's what it sounded like to me.
280
00:11:24,125 --> 00:11:25,192
Come here.
281
00:11:25,293 --> 00:11:26,093
Why?
282
00:11:26,194 --> 00:11:28,029
Come here.
283
00:11:28,129 --> 00:11:29,263
Why don't you call him up?
284
00:11:29,363 --> 00:11:30,998
He's probably at the office right now.
285
00:11:31,098 --> 00:11:34,468
Go on. call him.
286
00:11:34,569 --> 00:11:35,203
No.
287
00:11:35,303 --> 00:11:36,704
Why should I call him?
288
00:11:36,804 --> 00:11:37,772
Let him call me.
289
00:11:37,872 --> 00:11:41,976
It was his fault. Well, after all, Millie,
290
00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:43,311
he's the one who walked out of here
291
00:11:43,411 --> 00:11:45,213
and stayed in some luxurious hotel
292
00:11:45,313 --> 00:11:47,248
while I spent the night worrying.
293
00:11:47,348 --> 00:11:50,885
I would love to hear Rob's version of all this.
294
00:11:50,985 --> 00:11:51,819
Come on, Rob.
295
00:11:51,919 --> 00:11:52,853
Call Laura.
296
00:11:52,954 --> 00:11:54,055
Give her a chance to apologize.
297
00:11:54,155 --> 00:11:55,089
Oh, no, I can't.
298
00:11:55,189 --> 00:11:56,557
Why not?
299
00:11:56,657 --> 00:11:57,925
Well, you can't just call up and ask for an apology
300
00:11:58,025 --> 00:11:59,327
from a perfect stranger.
301
00:11:59,427 --> 00:12:00,861
Your wife's a perfect stranger?
302
00:12:00,962 --> 00:12:01,829
Come on home.
303
00:12:01,929 --> 00:12:02,830
I'll introduce her to you.
304
00:12:02,930 --> 00:12:04,165
Get over there. Call her.
305
00:12:04,265 --> 00:12:05,766
Rob, why don't you flirt with her a little?
306
00:12:05,866 --> 00:12:09,070
The worst she can do is hang up hard and pop your eardrums.
307
00:12:09,170 --> 00:12:10,371
Look, I'm holding you guys up.
308
00:12:10,471 --> 00:12:12,073
I think I'll take a walk around the block.
309
00:12:12,173 --> 00:12:13,541
Oh, yeah?
310
00:12:13,641 --> 00:12:15,009
If you can take a walk around the block, take a cab.
311
00:12:15,109 --> 00:12:16,477
We've got a lot of work to do.
312
00:12:16,577 --> 00:12:17,645
Rob, we're with you.
313
00:12:17,745 --> 00:12:20,014
Whatever you've done, we'll deny it.
314
00:12:20,114 --> 00:12:21,115
I haven't done anything.
315
00:12:21,215 --> 00:12:22,116
We just got into an argument.
316
00:12:22,216 --> 00:12:23,384
That's all.
317
00:12:23,484 --> 00:12:24,518
Me and Pickles, we argue all the time.
318
00:12:24,619 --> 00:12:25,920
What's wrong with that?
319
00:12:26,020 --> 00:12:27,755
You've got to do something to keep the spark alive.
320
00:12:27,855 --> 00:12:29,523
We have our little differences naturally,
321
00:12:29,624 --> 00:12:33,494
but we always made it a rule never to go to bed mad.
322
00:12:33,594 --> 00:12:34,996
I think that's nice.
323
00:12:35,096 --> 00:12:37,098
Pretty hard not to be mad, though, when you just spent
324
00:12:37,198 --> 00:12:38,399
the whole night in the garage.
325
00:12:41,135 --> 00:12:42,770
In the garage?
326
00:12:42,870 --> 00:12:46,707
Oh, you picked a fine time to wash the car.
327
00:12:46,807 --> 00:12:48,509
What were you doing in the garage?
328
00:12:48,609 --> 00:12:51,379
Well, I walked out.
329
00:12:51,479 --> 00:12:53,381
Well, walked out-- I was practically
330
00:12:53,481 --> 00:12:54,849
thrown out of there.
331
00:12:54,949 --> 00:12:56,917
I was just going to take a drive around and cool off,
332
00:12:57,018 --> 00:12:59,020
and I forgot the car keys, and I wasn't gonna
333
00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:01,322
go back in there after the--
334
00:13:01,422 --> 00:13:03,257
now, why am I boring you guys with this?
335
00:13:03,357 --> 00:13:04,425
Who's bored?
336
00:13:04,525 --> 00:13:05,459
I love to hear things that make me
337
00:13:05,559 --> 00:13:07,061
feel good about being single.
338
00:13:07,161 --> 00:13:08,262
Come on, Rob.
339
00:13:08,362 --> 00:13:09,563
Why don't you to tell us all about it?
340
00:13:09,664 --> 00:13:10,865
Get it off your chest. You'll feel better.
341
00:13:10,965 --> 00:13:12,266
Sure, come on.
342
00:13:12,366 --> 00:13:16,037
I like to feel I'm not the only guy who married a nutty woman.
343
00:13:16,137 --> 00:13:18,406
Well, I-- I came home.
344
00:13:18,506 --> 00:13:20,007
Well, you know what kind of a day we had around here.
345
00:13:20,107 --> 00:13:21,642
Everything was-- ugh. BUDDY: It was a beauty.
346
00:13:21,742 --> 00:13:23,244
But going home in the car, I decided
347
00:13:23,344 --> 00:13:26,614
I was gonna leave my bad mood and all my troubles in the car.
348
00:13:26,714 --> 00:13:29,950
And when I walked in that house, I was as charming and as
349
00:13:30,051 --> 00:13:31,886
pleasant as I know how to be.
350
00:13:31,986 --> 00:13:33,020
I was so charming, I was--
351
00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:34,455
I was a regular Fred Astaire.
352
00:13:40,361 --> 00:13:41,629
Sweetheart?
353
00:13:41,729 --> 00:13:42,363
Ginger?
354
00:13:42,463 --> 00:13:45,933
The old charmer's home.
355
00:13:46,033 --> 00:13:46,934
Where's my girl?
356
00:13:56,143 --> 00:14:01,015
There she is, just as beautiful as the day I married her.
357
00:14:01,115 --> 00:14:02,483
Where have you been?
358
00:14:02,583 --> 00:14:05,820
Just counting the hours till I could be with you.
359
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:08,289
Well, you'd better learn to count.
360
00:14:08,389 --> 00:14:09,890
Do you know what time it is?
361
00:14:09,990 --> 00:14:13,094
I suppose you expect me to serve you now.
362
00:14:13,194 --> 00:14:14,495
Honey, I knew you'd be tired.
363
00:14:14,595 --> 00:14:17,298
I grabbed a fast sandwich on the way home.
364
00:14:17,398 --> 00:14:19,166
Well, you never stopped to think that I
365
00:14:19,266 --> 00:14:21,102
might like to eat out, did you?
366
00:14:21,202 --> 00:14:22,269
I'm hungry.
367
00:14:22,369 --> 00:14:23,471
Honey!
368
00:14:27,441 --> 00:14:29,744
I love that ottoman.
369
00:14:29,844 --> 00:14:32,413
Honey, you sit down right here, and I'm going
370
00:14:32,513 --> 00:14:34,348
to fix you a cheese souffle.
371
00:14:34,448 --> 00:14:35,516
You read the paper.
372
00:14:35,616 --> 00:14:37,485
(SINGING) Ska-da-ti-ta.
373
00:14:37,585 --> 00:14:38,753
Ska-ta-ti-ta.
374
00:14:41,889 --> 00:14:45,893
And don't go messing up my kitchen,
375
00:14:45,993 --> 00:14:48,863
I-- I won't, dear.
376
00:14:48,963 --> 00:14:51,198
RITCHIE: Mommy!
377
00:14:51,298 --> 00:14:53,067
Uh, honey, has--
378
00:14:53,167 --> 00:14:54,535
has Ritchie had his, uh, dinner?
379
00:14:54,635 --> 00:14:56,403
No, and he's not getting any.
380
00:14:56,504 --> 00:14:58,305
But-- but-- but, sweetheart.
381
00:14:58,406 --> 00:14:59,640
I ran out of dishes.
382
00:15:02,877 --> 00:15:04,945
Yeah, I see.
383
00:15:05,045 --> 00:15:10,351
Honey, may I just take him a cracker?
384
00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:13,053
Aw, sweetheart, I'm sorry.
385
00:15:13,154 --> 00:15:14,188
You're tired.
386
00:15:14,288 --> 00:15:15,389
You're overwrought.
387
00:15:15,489 --> 00:15:17,158
Why, you--
388
00:15:17,258 --> 00:15:18,125
Laura.
389
00:15:18,225 --> 00:15:20,427
--tell me I'm overweight.
390
00:15:20,528 --> 00:15:22,096
Honey, I didn't tell you you were overweight.
391
00:15:22,196 --> 00:15:23,297
I just--
392
00:15:23,397 --> 00:15:24,365
Well, I know what you were thinking.
393
00:15:24,465 --> 00:15:25,099
Why don't you say it? Go on.
394
00:15:25,199 --> 00:15:26,133
Out with it.
395
00:15:26,233 --> 00:15:27,034
Out with what's on your mind.
396
00:15:27,134 --> 00:15:28,302
Tell me I'm overweight.
397
00:15:28,402 --> 00:15:30,104
Tell me you're sorry you ever married me.
398
00:15:30,204 --> 00:15:31,138
Oh, now, honey, I'm sorry.
399
00:15:33,741 --> 00:15:35,209
Oh, you are, are you?
400
00:15:35,309 --> 00:15:38,579
Well, I don't have to stand here and take that from you.
401
00:15:38,679 --> 00:15:40,314
You can just get out!
402
00:15:40,414 --> 00:15:44,185
Oh, Laura, baby.
403
00:15:44,285 --> 00:15:46,754
Funny Face.
404
00:15:46,854 --> 00:15:48,055
Out!
405
00:15:48,155 --> 00:15:49,089
Good idea.
406
00:15:49,190 --> 00:15:50,424
I'll bring home some ice cream.
407
00:15:50,524 --> 00:15:52,693
[door slams]
408
00:15:54,295 --> 00:15:56,697
Hey, you sure it wasn't my wife you were fighting with?
409
00:15:56,797 --> 00:15:59,066
It sounds like one of our real screamers.
410
00:15:59,166 --> 00:16:01,869
Rob, aren't you exaggerating just a touch?
411
00:16:01,969 --> 00:16:04,672
[sighs] Well, maybe a little bit.
412
00:16:04,772 --> 00:16:06,073
I don't remember the words exactly.
413
00:16:06,173 --> 00:16:08,309
But whatever words she used, sounded like those.
414
00:16:08,409 --> 00:16:11,178
Yeah, and she didn't throw you out either, did she, Rob?
415
00:16:11,278 --> 00:16:12,146
Well, no.
416
00:16:12,246 --> 00:16:13,480
SALLY: See, I thought so.
417
00:16:13,581 --> 00:16:15,850
Yeah, but she would've loved to.
418
00:16:15,950 --> 00:16:17,718
Anyway, you can see why I can't just go home and walk
419
00:16:17,818 --> 00:16:19,453
in and say, hello, what's new?
420
00:16:19,553 --> 00:16:20,754
Yeah.
421
00:16:20,855 --> 00:16:22,756
She's liable to dig up a lot of what's old.
422
00:16:28,596 --> 00:16:29,897
Oh, what's the use?
423
00:16:29,997 --> 00:16:31,098
I know what's going to happen.
424
00:16:31,198 --> 00:16:32,166
I'll walk in the house.
425
00:16:32,266 --> 00:16:33,667
We won't talk.
426
00:16:33,767 --> 00:16:35,202
She'll throw together some scrambled eggs or something.
427
00:16:35,302 --> 00:16:36,804
Oh, sure, you want to spend another night in the garage,
428
00:16:36,904 --> 00:16:38,505
right? - No, of course not.
429
00:16:38,606 --> 00:16:41,175
Well, then you better do something about it.
430
00:16:41,275 --> 00:16:42,076
Like what?
431
00:16:42,176 --> 00:16:43,244
Well, uh, I don't know.
432
00:16:43,344 --> 00:16:44,311
Get her a present.
433
00:16:44,411 --> 00:16:46,247
No, she'd threw me out with it.
434
00:16:46,347 --> 00:16:49,216
Not if you get her something she can't turn down-- you know,
435
00:16:49,316 --> 00:16:50,951
something she's always wanted.
436
00:16:51,051 --> 00:16:53,754
Yeah, like maybe a season ticket to the fights.
437
00:16:55,689 --> 00:16:56,891
Wait. Wait.
438
00:16:56,991 --> 00:16:57,625
I got it.
439
00:16:57,725 --> 00:16:58,692
I know what to get her.
440
00:16:58,792 --> 00:17:00,327
I know what'll make her happy.
441
00:17:00,427 --> 00:17:01,495
Buddy, do me a favor. - Sure.
442
00:17:01,595 --> 00:17:02,997
What? What?
443
00:17:03,097 --> 00:17:04,231
Call Laura and tell her I am bringing home a surprise.
444
00:17:04,331 --> 00:17:05,165
Bringing home a surprise.
445
00:17:05,266 --> 00:17:06,367
All right.
446
00:17:06,467 --> 00:17:07,234
Hey, Sally, do me a favor, will ya?
447
00:17:07,334 --> 00:17:08,836
Yeah.
448
00:17:08,936 --> 00:17:10,905
Yeah, call Laura, and tell her that I said that Rob said he's
449
00:17:11,005 --> 00:17:12,039
coming home with a surprise.
450
00:17:12,139 --> 00:17:13,040
Well, why me?
451
00:17:13,140 --> 00:17:14,308
Why can't you call her?
452
00:17:14,408 --> 00:17:15,442
I don't know their number.
453
00:17:15,542 --> 00:17:16,377
What?
454
00:17:16,477 --> 00:17:17,311
Are you chicken?
455
00:17:17,411 --> 00:17:19,880
BUDDY: [clucking]
456
00:17:25,152 --> 00:17:26,120
Hello, Marge?
457
00:17:26,220 --> 00:17:27,855
Would you call Mrs. Petrie and tell her
458
00:17:27,955 --> 00:17:30,925
I said that Buddy told me that Rob asked him to tell her
459
00:17:31,025 --> 00:17:33,093
that Rob's coming home with a surprise?
460
00:17:33,193 --> 00:17:35,129
And I'll give you 8 to 5 I can't repeat it.
461
00:17:37,932 --> 00:17:40,301
Oh, Millie, that looks beautiful.
462
00:17:40,401 --> 00:17:41,335
That's just great.
463
00:17:41,435 --> 00:17:42,503
Now, let's see.
464
00:17:42,603 --> 00:17:43,571
I got the spaghetti sauce simmering.
465
00:17:43,671 --> 00:17:45,472
The salad's in the refrigerator.
466
00:17:45,572 --> 00:17:46,740
The wine.
467
00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:47,875
Where's the Wine Millie, where's the wine?
468
00:17:47,975 --> 00:17:49,209
Right there where you put it.
469
00:17:49,310 --> 00:17:51,145
Oh.
470
00:17:51,245 --> 00:17:53,113
I'll just open it now and save Rob the bother.
471
00:17:53,213 --> 00:17:54,615
Ooh, let him open it.
472
00:17:54,715 --> 00:17:56,150
It makes them feel manly.
473
00:17:56,250 --> 00:17:58,419
All right, if it makes them feel manly, I won't open it.
474
00:17:58,519 --> 00:18:01,889
Oh, Millie, thank you for helping me with all this.
475
00:18:01,989 --> 00:18:05,292
You, um, knew that I exaggerated about Rob, didn't you?
476
00:18:05,392 --> 00:18:06,727
No.
477
00:18:06,827 --> 00:18:10,564
The way you told it, he sounded a lot like my Jerry.
478
00:18:10,664 --> 00:18:11,465
Mommy?
479
00:18:11,565 --> 00:18:12,499
Yes, dear.
480
00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:13,834
What are we having for dinner?
481
00:18:13,934 --> 00:18:15,469
Something delicious.
482
00:18:15,569 --> 00:18:16,737
Aw, gee.
483
00:18:16,837 --> 00:18:19,239
I like hamburger.
484
00:18:19,340 --> 00:18:20,307
I know, darling.
485
00:18:20,407 --> 00:18:22,042
But this is daddy's evening.
486
00:18:22,142 --> 00:18:23,310
OK.
487
00:18:23,410 --> 00:18:24,812
Now, what have I forgotten?
488
00:18:24,912 --> 00:18:26,814
[doorbell chimes]
489
00:18:26,914 --> 00:18:27,881
(WEEPY) That's Rob.
490
00:18:27,982 --> 00:18:30,317
Oh, Millie, why am I so nervous?
491
00:18:30,417 --> 00:18:32,720
Now calm down, and I'll slip out the back door.
492
00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:34,955
(FRANTIC) No, Millie, don't leave me.
493
00:18:35,055 --> 00:18:35,789
Relax.
494
00:18:35,889 --> 00:18:38,025
He's your husband.
495
00:18:38,125 --> 00:18:39,360
Mm.
496
00:18:39,460 --> 00:18:42,129
Um, Richie?
497
00:18:42,229 --> 00:18:43,564
Yes, Mommy?
498
00:18:43,664 --> 00:18:44,665
Daddy's home, darling.
499
00:18:44,765 --> 00:18:46,300
Do you want to let him in?
500
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:48,235
OK.
501
00:18:48,335 --> 00:18:49,603
Hi, Daddy.
502
00:18:49,703 --> 00:18:50,804
Hi, Ritch.
503
00:18:54,708 --> 00:18:58,178
Would you ask your mommy if I may come in?
504
00:18:58,278 --> 00:18:59,279
RITCHIE: Daddy said--
505
00:18:59,380 --> 00:19:02,149
You tell Daddy he's welcome here any time.
506
00:19:02,249 --> 00:19:03,650
She said yeah.
507
00:19:03,751 --> 00:19:07,287
[romantic music]
508
00:19:15,929 --> 00:19:18,899
Mommy, Daddy doesn't look like a wild man.
509
00:19:22,469 --> 00:19:24,271
Oh, Rob.
510
00:19:24,371 --> 00:19:25,406
Honey, it was my fault.
511
00:19:25,506 --> 00:19:28,142
Oh, no, it wasn't it was my fault.
512
00:19:28,242 --> 00:19:29,076
Let's go halfsies.
513
00:19:29,176 --> 00:19:30,310
OK.
514
00:19:30,411 --> 00:19:32,012
Hey, this is heavy.
515
00:19:32,112 --> 00:19:34,048
Oh, Ritch, don't drop that.
516
00:19:34,148 --> 00:19:34,815
Is it for me?
517
00:19:34,915 --> 00:19:36,450
No, this is for Mommy.
518
00:19:36,550 --> 00:19:37,484
Mommy, this is for you.
519
00:19:37,584 --> 00:19:38,385
Oh.
520
00:19:38,485 --> 00:19:39,687
What is it?
521
00:19:39,787 --> 00:19:41,288
Your favorite thing in this whole world--
522
00:19:41,388 --> 00:19:43,157
a complete Chinese dinner.
523
00:19:50,531 --> 00:19:51,999
Why did you do that?
524
00:19:52,099 --> 00:19:52,800
Why?
525
00:19:52,900 --> 00:19:54,334
Don't-- don't-- don't you--
526
00:19:54,435 --> 00:19:58,672
Rob, you must have known that I'd have dinner prepared.
527
00:19:58,772 --> 00:19:59,807
--you-- you-- you--
528
00:19:59,907 --> 00:20:01,308
Rob, won't you ever learn?
529
00:20:01,408 --> 00:20:03,677
Why didn't you call me?
530
00:20:03,777 --> 00:20:04,611
Didn't Buddy call you?
531
00:20:04,711 --> 00:20:06,146
No.
532
00:20:06,246 --> 00:20:07,448
The switchboard girl called, but she didn't say that you
533
00:20:07,548 --> 00:20:08,782
were bringing home dinner.
534
00:20:08,882 --> 00:20:11,985
I-- I told Buddy to-- didn't he say surprise?
535
00:20:12,086 --> 00:20:12,986
Oh, no.
536
00:20:13,087 --> 00:20:14,021
Boy, if you want something done right,
537
00:20:14,121 --> 00:20:15,189
you've got to do it yourself.
538
00:20:15,289 --> 00:20:18,459
Are you gonna be a wild man, Daddy?
539
00:20:18,559 --> 00:20:21,095
[laughs] No, I'm not, Ritch.
540
00:20:21,195 --> 00:20:25,532
Then I'm gonna go watch television.
541
00:20:25,632 --> 00:20:27,067
Honey, I'm sorry.
542
00:20:27,167 --> 00:20:28,569
I-- it's just that I wanted--
543
00:20:28,669 --> 00:20:29,970
I wanted everything to be fun tonight.
544
00:20:30,070 --> 00:20:32,372
Oh, darling, so did I. And that's why
545
00:20:32,473 --> 00:20:34,074
I fixed your favorite dinner.
546
00:20:34,174 --> 00:20:35,542
You didn't?
547
00:20:35,642 --> 00:20:37,111
Spaghetti?
548
00:20:37,211 --> 00:20:39,079
Hey, look, just like Ninos with breadsticks and everything.
549
00:20:39,179 --> 00:20:43,484
Crab, duck, egg roll, barbecued ribs.
550
00:20:43,584 --> 00:20:46,653
Moo goo gai pan.
551
00:20:46,754 --> 00:20:49,723
Moo goo gai pan?
552
00:20:49,823 --> 00:20:51,458
Oh, Rob.
553
00:20:51,558 --> 00:20:53,727
Do you remember the first time you brought it home to me?
554
00:20:53,827 --> 00:20:54,762
Mm-hmm.
555
00:20:54,862 --> 00:20:56,330
When you were expecting, Ritch.
556
00:20:56,430 --> 00:20:57,898
You remembered.
557
00:20:57,998 --> 00:21:00,601
You, uh, forgive me?
558
00:21:00,701 --> 00:21:02,035
I guess I should.
559
00:21:02,136 --> 00:21:04,538
You better, or I'll eat up all your moo goo gai pan.
560
00:21:12,813 --> 00:21:15,749
Boy, whoever said there was a silver lining for every cloud
561
00:21:15,849 --> 00:21:17,351
sure his clouds, didn't he?
562
00:21:17,451 --> 00:21:18,519
How do you figure that?
563
00:21:18,619 --> 00:21:21,989
Well, I mean, if we hadn't had that big fight,
564
00:21:22,089 --> 00:21:23,857
we wouldn't have this great making up period.
565
00:21:23,957 --> 00:21:25,592
I just wish we could find some way of having the
566
00:21:25,692 --> 00:21:27,427
making up without the fighting.
567
00:21:27,528 --> 00:21:28,996
Well, there's no way.
568
00:21:29,096 --> 00:21:30,731
But we could make a fortune, if we could invent a way, huh?
569
00:21:30,831 --> 00:21:31,865
Not only that, but we wouldn't run
570
00:21:31,965 --> 00:21:33,667
the risk of upsetting Ritchie.
571
00:21:33,767 --> 00:21:34,935
Yeah.
572
00:21:35,035 --> 00:21:36,570
Boy, thank goodness he missed the fight.
573
00:21:36,670 --> 00:21:37,838
I hope he did.
574
00:21:37,938 --> 00:21:39,306
It could be awfully upsetting to a child
575
00:21:39,406 --> 00:21:41,041
to hear his mother and father yelling at each other.
576
00:21:41,141 --> 00:21:44,011
Yeah, it kind of shakes their secure little world.
577
00:21:44,111 --> 00:21:46,747
I'm sure he was sound asleep though.
578
00:21:46,847 --> 00:21:49,550
But, honey, is that enough moo goo gai pan?
579
00:21:49,650 --> 00:21:50,684
A little heavier on the goo.
580
00:21:50,784 --> 00:21:51,852
OK.
581
00:21:51,952 --> 00:21:53,353
Are four meatballs enough?
582
00:21:53,453 --> 00:21:55,756
Yeah, that'll do for a start anyway.
583
00:21:55,856 --> 00:21:57,257
OK.
584
00:21:57,357 --> 00:21:59,660
There you are, honey, a meal fit for Mrs. Charlie Chan.
585
00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:00,961
Thank you.
586
00:22:01,061 --> 00:22:02,930
And for you, a meal fit for Rossano Brazzi.
587
00:22:03,030 --> 00:22:03,864
Thank you.
588
00:22:03,964 --> 00:22:05,165
Hey, what about me?
589
00:22:05,265 --> 00:22:06,300
Oh, Ritch.
590
00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:08,969
There you are-- a meal fit for a young prince,
591
00:22:09,069 --> 00:22:10,571
your royal hamburger.
592
00:22:10,671 --> 00:22:12,105
Plus tuna fish?
593
00:22:12,206 --> 00:22:13,740
Yeah, the tuna fish is in there just like you ordered it.
594
00:22:13,841 --> 00:22:14,741
Oh, boy.
595
00:22:14,841 --> 00:22:16,343
Can I eat it in my bedroom?
596
00:22:16,443 --> 00:22:18,378
Well, don't you want to eat with us?
597
00:22:18,478 --> 00:22:19,746
No.
598
00:22:19,846 --> 00:22:20,814
Why not, Ritch?
599
00:22:20,914 --> 00:22:23,650
I don't like to hear yelling.
600
00:22:23,750 --> 00:22:24,618
He heard us.
601
00:22:24,718 --> 00:22:26,553
Let me handle it, honey.
602
00:22:26,653 --> 00:22:28,889
Ritch, come here, buddy.
603
00:22:31,124 --> 00:22:33,827
Ritch, did you by any chance overhear your mommy and I
604
00:22:33,927 --> 00:22:36,396
having a discussion last night?
605
00:22:36,496 --> 00:22:40,567
You see, Ritchie, all mommies and daddies have discussions
606
00:22:40,667 --> 00:22:42,469
like the one Daddy and I had?
607
00:22:42,569 --> 00:22:45,539
Do Dr. and Mrs. Helper have those discussions?
608
00:22:45,639 --> 00:22:49,176
Oh, yeah, and a lot more often than Mommy and I do.
609
00:22:49,276 --> 00:22:52,446
They call theirs fights.
610
00:22:52,546 --> 00:22:54,781
It may seem like a fight, but a fight's
611
00:22:54,881 --> 00:22:55,749
kind of a different thing.
612
00:22:55,849 --> 00:22:57,351
What's the difference?
613
00:22:57,451 --> 00:23:01,521
Well, the difference between a fight and a discussion is--
614
00:23:01,622 --> 00:23:04,825
well, now, you've seen boxers in the ring, hitting each other?
615
00:23:04,925 --> 00:23:06,226
Now that's a fight.
616
00:23:06,326 --> 00:23:09,329
You mean like Floyd Patterson and Sonny Liston?
617
00:23:09,429 --> 00:23:12,165
Well, a lot of people thought that was more of a discussion.
618
00:23:12,266 --> 00:23:15,168
Rob, but this is no time for an editorial.
619
00:23:15,269 --> 00:23:17,504
[laughs] Yeah, that's right, Ritch.
620
00:23:17,604 --> 00:23:19,072
That was a fight.
621
00:23:19,172 --> 00:23:22,976
Now what Mommy and I had was a disagreement, a discussion,
622
00:23:23,076 --> 00:23:24,611
and it's all over now.
623
00:23:24,711 --> 00:23:25,612
No more yelling?
624
00:23:25,712 --> 00:23:26,713
No more yelling.
625
00:23:26,813 --> 00:23:27,748
You promise?
626
00:23:27,848 --> 00:23:28,815
I promise.
627
00:23:28,916 --> 00:23:30,217
OK, I'll eat with you.
628
00:23:30,317 --> 00:23:31,051
Good.
629
00:23:31,151 --> 00:23:34,021
OK, everyone, grab your plates.
630
00:23:34,121 --> 00:23:35,689
Ritchie, you mean you really were
631
00:23:35,789 --> 00:23:39,192
afraid that Mommy and I were going to yell at each other?
632
00:23:39,293 --> 00:23:40,961
No, not at each other.
633
00:23:41,061 --> 00:23:42,329
Well, at who then?
634
00:23:42,429 --> 00:23:43,897
At me.
635
00:23:43,997 --> 00:23:47,534
Well, Ritch, why-- why would we yell at you?
636
00:23:47,634 --> 00:23:49,369
For breaking your Saddle and Stirrup shaving
637
00:23:49,469 --> 00:23:50,570
lotion yesterday.
638
00:23:50,671 --> 00:23:51,838
That's right.
639
00:23:51,938 --> 00:23:52,906
I never did yell at you for that, did I?
640
00:23:53,006 --> 00:23:54,675
[laughs] Forget it, Ritch.
641
00:23:54,775 --> 00:23:56,143
It's all forgotten and forgiven.
642
00:23:56,243 --> 00:23:58,111
Tonight, nothing could make me angry.
643
00:23:58,211 --> 00:23:59,646
- Really? - Really.
644
00:23:59,746 --> 00:24:00,681
Good.
645
00:24:00,781 --> 00:24:02,516
I got a 20 on my spelling test.
646
00:24:02,616 --> 00:24:04,318
You have to sign it.
647
00:24:04,418 --> 00:24:06,653
You got a 20 on your spelling test?
648
00:24:09,222 --> 00:24:10,324
Oh, Ritch, this late in the--
649
00:24:10,424 --> 00:24:12,459
LAURA: And, Rob, we promised--
650
00:24:12,559 --> 00:24:13,460
no more yelling.
651
00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:14,561
That's right.
652
00:24:14,661 --> 00:24:15,462
Here, Daddy.
653
00:24:15,562 --> 00:24:16,530
Sign it.
654
00:24:16,630 --> 00:24:17,664
No.
655
00:24:17,764 --> 00:24:18,999
First, we eat.
656
00:24:19,099 --> 00:24:20,400
Then we sign.
657
00:24:20,500 --> 00:24:21,935
But no yelling.
658
00:24:22,035 --> 00:24:26,673
No yelling-- but a lot of loud discussion.
659
00:24:32,913 --> 00:24:36,383
[theme music]
44620
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