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[theme music]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey
Amsterdam, Larry Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Wait a minute.
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Sal, you don't mean that we'll end the
show with a riddle every week. - Mhm.
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- What kind of riddles? - Any kind.
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[phone ringing]
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Hello.
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Hi, Marge.
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Oh, Rob, there's a Mr. Maxwell Calvada outside to see.
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- Maxwell Calvada? - Yeah.
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Uh, well, tell her to have him wait.
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Have him wait.
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All right.
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What kind of riddles?
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Hey, who's Maxwell Calvada?
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No. No, no.
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Not like that.
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I mean riddles like, what is big
and green and, uh, has a big trunk?
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An unripe elephant.
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Yeah, like that, only good ones.
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Maxwell Calvada.
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Is he in television?
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No, I think he's got something to do with the government.
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Yeah, the government. The Senate?
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I got it.
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- Senator Calvada, right? - No.
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Big Max Calvada.
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Boy, have you seen him on television.
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He was a guy on the racket investigations, remember?
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Oh.
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That's right.
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They kept him on the stand something like six days.
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That's the guy.
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Yeah, but he never answered one question.
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The papers called him Fifth Amendment Calvada.
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Yeah, and they never pinned one thing on him.
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Yeah.
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Big Max Calvada.
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I, uh, wonder why he's waiting to see you.
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Because I told him to wait.
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I don't think that's a thing a person
ought to do to Big Max Calvada. - No, no.
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I'd better get him.
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My name is Maxwell Calvada.
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I assume you're Robert Petrie.
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[stuttering]
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Yeah.
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This is my associate, Bernard.
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Oh, uh, h-- hi, Bernard, how are you?
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Oh, excuse me.
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These are my associates.
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This is Sally and Buddy.
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Say hello.
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I know you all very well by reputation.
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Likewise.
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He means, uh, we're very pleased to meet you.
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Well, uh, I-- I guess we've
all been introduced, all right.
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Yeah.
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[nervous laughter]
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All right.
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Now that we've exchanged pleasantries,
let's get down to business.
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Uh, business?
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Yeah, let's get down to business.
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But first, uh, give me the pleasure of
assisting a lovely lady to her seat.
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Oh, uh, thank you very much, Mr. Calvada.
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It's nice to have a gentleman around here.
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Thank Edmund Burke and his
reflections on the French Revolution.
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He said, "the age of chivalry is gone, and that
of sophisters, economists, and calculators
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has succeeded."
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That Burke sure knew his potatoes.
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You-- you sure do know
your break-- Burke.
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Are you surprised?
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No, no.
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OK.
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Let's knock off the symposium.
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Let's get down to business.
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Oh, excuse me, Mr. Calvada.
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I just can't imagine what kind of business you have with us.
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Oh, no?
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Why not?
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This is it!
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What are you doing?
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Clowning around?
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She's clowning around.
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Yeah. You bet.
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We're just clowning around.
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Well, you see, I find it very convenient
to have my associate here transcribe
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a shorthand record of any business
conversations we may have.
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It saves a lot of discussion later.
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That's, uh, a very good idea.
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Head this one "Preliminary meeting,
Petries, Rogers, and Sorrell."
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That's Sorrell with two L's.
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Or-- or one.
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It makes no difference.
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I'm not too crazy about the name, anyway.
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File number KD431.
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KD, that stands for Kenneth Dexter.
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That's the guy I'm here to see you about.
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We never heard of him, right?
We never-- I-- I don't know who he is.
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No, I never went out with a Kenny Dexter.
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Of course, a lot of fellas don't give their right names.
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Kenneth Dexter is my nephew.
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He's my sister, Sylvia's boy.
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You have a sister?
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Well, sure.
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She's a college graduate.
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And it's Kenneth's ambition to go
into show business as a comedian.
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The kid breaks me up.
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That is where you come in.
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You see, I have, for a long time,
been a fan of "The Alan Brady Show."
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Although his particular charm eludes me, I've always
found the writing to be at the highest caliber.
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Gee, how about that?
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Isn't that a relief-- uh, compliment.
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I like your collective style.
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It's neither too esoteric nor too mundane.
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Pragmatically speaking, it hits me right in the gut.
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It breaks him up.
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That's why I've decided that if Kenneth is going
to be a comedian and go into show business,
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I want you to write his act.
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Us?
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[stuttering]
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Us?
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Uh, Mr. Calvada, this-- it-- that
comes as kind of a surprise to us.
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We, uh-- we, uh, you know, have a lot of other work to be done.
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I, uh-- would you care if we discuss that?
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No, no. Go ahead.
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Discuss it. - Oh, thank you very much.
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Uh.
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Uh, uh, would you like to-- uh, no, you probably wouldn't.
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No use making them wait out in the hall.
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Go ahead.
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Discuss it.
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Oh, well, uh, all right.
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Hey, Sal, what do you think?
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Oh, gosh, Rob. I-- I don't know.
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What do you think, Buddy?
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Oh, sure, I-- I agree with Rob.
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Well, there's one thing we-- another--
that we got to consider is money.
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You know, because we already have a job.
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Yeah, "The Alan Brady Show."
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Yeah, we've got an exclusive contract.
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- Yeah. - That's right.
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That could be worked out.
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Of course, I imagine that could be worked out.
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I think so.
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I imagine Mr. Calvada knows Alan Brady.
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He knows me.
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And I suppose that Alan knows him, too.
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Oh, sure.
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Then there's the matter of money.
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We're going to have to charge an awful lot of money.
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- Oh, yeah. - A fortune.
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Don't forget there's three of us.
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We get a lot of loot for the three.
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Yeah. MR. CALVADA: Money is no object.
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I would imagine that money is probably no object.
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No, I don't think so.
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No.
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Rob.
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I couldn't help but overhear your discussion.
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And, uh, you seem to be having a
little trouble arriving at a decision.
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Well, I certainly hope you can see it my way.
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How-- how, uh-- how upset
would you be if-- if we didn't?
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Well, upset isn't the right word.
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Since I've been under analysis, the worst I ever get is cranky.
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Cranky?
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Yeah, like-- like a kid might get.
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Like-- like this, uh, boy of yours might get.
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That's your son, Ritchie.
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Yeah, that's Rich, my boy.
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Uh-huh.
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He's the spitting image of your lovely wife, Laura.
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Oh-- do-- do you know my wife and my lovely Ritchie?
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Yeah.
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I make it a practice to learn as much
as I can about my business associates.
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[sighing]
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It's unanimous, you guys, right?
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Right, you bet.
201
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We're looking forward to it.
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Yeah.
203
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When do we get to meet
Mr. Dex-- Dexter-- Kenny?
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Well, I told him to drop in here on you noon tomorrow.
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The kid'll break you up.
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He will?
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Oh, he'll make us laugh.
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Oh.
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[nervous laughter]
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I can no other answer make but
thanks and thanks and ever thanks.
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That's Shakespeare.
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Do a good job.
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Bernard.
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[clearing throat]
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Some are born great.
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Some, uh, achieve greatness.
219
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And, uh, others have greatness thrust upon them.
220
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Al Capone.
221
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Rob, dinner's almost ready.
222
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How can you think of food at a time like this?
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Darling, all you had to do was say no to Mr. Calvada.
224
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There are some people you don't say no to.
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Max Calvada happens to be one of them.
226
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Oh, Rob, for heaven's sake.
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This isn't the roaring '20s.
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It's the 1960s.
229
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That's right.
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And I'd like to be held over for the '70s.
231
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Rob, he didn't really threaten you, did he?
232
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He took a long, long look at the picture of Ritchie.
233
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He did?
234
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Yeah.
235
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That's the way they get to you, you know.
236
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They threaten your family.
237
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You know what he said about you?
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What?
239
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He said you were lovely.
240
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That's what he said.
241
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He said I was lovely?
242
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That's right.
243
00:09:01,315 --> 00:09:02,250
How did he know?
244
00:09:02,350 --> 00:09:05,086
I mean, how did he know?
245
00:09:05,186 --> 00:09:07,021
Honey, they have ways.
246
00:09:07,121 --> 00:09:10,158
They've got a lot of ways to
find out when a person is lovely.
248
00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:12,660
Well, anyway, Rob, what kind of a threat is that?
249
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It's a compliment.
250
00:09:15,229 --> 00:09:16,264
Not the way he said it.
251
00:09:16,364 --> 00:09:19,000
It was no compliment, honey.
252
00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:21,869
But-- is there some way you could get out of it?
253
00:09:21,969 --> 00:09:24,806
Honey, if I could get out of it,
I wouldn't have to get out of it,
255
00:09:24,906 --> 00:09:27,475
because I wouldn't have got into it in the first place.
256
00:09:27,575 --> 00:09:29,143
Rob, you know, we're being silly.
257
00:09:29,243 --> 00:09:33,448
You have nothing to worry about
because you agreed to do the show.
259
00:09:33,548 --> 00:09:37,185
Honey, I got a-- what if it's no good?
260
00:09:37,285 --> 00:09:41,089
I got a feeling if our jokes
die, we're going to go with them.
262
00:09:41,189 --> 00:09:42,290
Why should your jokes die?
263
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You're all good writers.
264
00:09:43,691 --> 00:09:45,226
What if his nephew is a no-good comedian?
265
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What about that?
266
00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:47,562
Well, he must have something.
267
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Oh, he's got something, all right.
268
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A tough uncle.
269
00:09:51,466 --> 00:09:53,935
You're not really that nervous, are you?
270
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Not nervous?
271
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When's the last time you saw me put on a tie to take a shower?
272
00:10:04,412 --> 00:10:06,280
OK, Marge, send him in.
273
00:10:06,380 --> 00:10:08,749
Well, our great comedian Kenny Dexter is on his way.
274
00:10:08,850 --> 00:10:10,818
Boy, I sure hope he's got some talent.
275
00:10:10,918 --> 00:10:12,086
It'll sure help.
276
00:10:12,186 --> 00:10:15,556
I got a feeling this kid is the worst
comic since the history of show business.
278
00:10:15,656 --> 00:10:16,290
Wait a minute.
279
00:10:16,390 --> 00:10:19,961
Don't forget I saw you.
280
00:10:20,061 --> 00:10:23,097
I'm willing to bet you 10 bucks
he's worse than I ever was.
282
00:10:23,197 --> 00:10:26,100
I'll take that bet.
283
00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:27,969
(IMITATING MOBSTER) All right, you dirty rat.
284
00:10:28,069 --> 00:10:29,237
Just give me the jokes.
285
00:10:29,337 --> 00:10:30,938
Because I got a rod in my pocket, see?
286
00:10:31,038 --> 00:10:32,173
And it's curtains for you.
287
00:10:32,273 --> 00:10:33,508
It's a curtain rod.
288
00:10:38,012 --> 00:10:39,113
Uh, Kenny?
289
00:10:39,213 --> 00:10:40,414
(IMITATING JERRY LEWIS) Kenny? Kenny?
290
00:10:40,515 --> 00:10:42,016
I don't see a Kenny around here any place.
291
00:10:42,116 --> 00:10:43,851
It's just me, and I'm looking for Dean.
292
00:10:43,951 --> 00:10:44,886
Oh, Dean.
293
00:10:44,986 --> 00:10:46,153
Dean, boys, where are you, Dean?
294
00:10:46,254 --> 00:10:47,455
Oh, Dean.
295
00:10:47,555 --> 00:10:49,023
I know you're around here someplace, Dean.
296
00:10:49,123 --> 00:10:50,124
Say, that's very good, Kenny.
297
00:10:50,224 --> 00:10:51,659
You do impressions, huh?
298
00:10:51,759 --> 00:10:53,194
Can you do Jerry Lewis?
299
00:10:53,294 --> 00:10:54,862
[nervous laughter]
300
00:10:57,231 --> 00:10:59,667
(NORMAL VOICE) Oh,
I just-- ha, ha, ha.
301
00:10:59,767 --> 00:11:01,369
You're putting me on.
302
00:11:01,469 --> 00:11:03,237
You have my act ready yet?
303
00:11:03,337 --> 00:11:05,239
Well, no.
304
00:11:05,339 --> 00:11:09,443
Well, we thought we'd like to meet you, Kenny,
and find out what kind of a performer you are.
306
00:11:09,544 --> 00:11:15,249
Well, people say I'm kind of a cross between
Danny Kaye, Red Skelton, and Sammy Davis Jr.
308
00:11:15,349 --> 00:11:16,284
This kid don't need an act.
309
00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:19,453
He needs a large dressing room.
310
00:11:19,554 --> 00:11:21,689
Hey, you know, I'm glad you didn't write my act yet.
311
00:11:21,789 --> 00:11:23,758
See, because I got some great ideas.
312
00:11:23,858 --> 00:11:28,829
Now, the way I see it, the act should open with a dark stage.
313
00:11:28,930 --> 00:11:30,231
Then a drum roll.
314
00:11:30,331 --> 00:11:31,799
[imitating drum roll]
315
00:11:31,899 --> 00:11:32,934
Then, a spotlight hits me.
316
00:11:33,034 --> 00:11:35,303
And there I am in my white tuxedo.
317
00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:36,537
What a target.
318
00:11:40,408 --> 00:11:42,376
Then I go into my opening number, see? (SINGING)
319
00:11:42,476 --> 00:11:44,912
I will bring you some laughter.
320
00:11:45,012 --> 00:11:47,615
It's your applause that I'm--
Oh, you sing, huh, Kenny?
322
00:11:47,715 --> 00:11:48,849
Yeah.
323
00:11:48,950 --> 00:11:51,319
I've been taking voice lessons for 3 and 1/2 weeks.
324
00:11:51,419 --> 00:11:54,322
He's ready then.
325
00:11:54,422 --> 00:11:55,790
Listen, Kenny, uh, I'll tell you what.
326
00:11:55,890 --> 00:11:58,693
Why don't you let us think up-- sit down, Ken.
327
00:12:01,629 --> 00:12:03,698
Uh.
328
00:12:03,798 --> 00:12:07,134
OK, second meeting, Rogers, Petrie, and Sorrell.
329
00:12:07,234 --> 00:12:09,503
It's with two L's.
330
00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:10,671
How's everything going?
331
00:12:10,771 --> 00:12:11,505
Oh, just great.
332
00:12:11,606 --> 00:12:13,040
They really dig me, Uncle Max.
333
00:12:13,140 --> 00:12:14,175
Yeah, that's nice.
334
00:12:14,275 --> 00:12:15,443
How is it going, Robert?
335
00:12:15,543 --> 00:12:16,944
Well, uh, Mr. Calvada.
336
00:12:17,044 --> 00:12:20,681
I haven't had an opportunity to
see a lot of young, uh, performers.
338
00:12:20,781 --> 00:12:23,017
But Kenny is really, really something.
339
00:12:23,117 --> 00:12:24,185
What?
340
00:12:24,285 --> 00:12:29,924
Well, uh, he-- he's kind of a, uh,
combination of, uh, Danny Kaye and, uh, Red
342
00:12:30,024 --> 00:12:31,425
Skelton and Sammy Davis, Jr.
343
00:12:31,525 --> 00:12:34,528
Yeah, he's kind of like a one man "Ed Sullivan Show."
344
00:12:34,629 --> 00:12:36,130
Hey, I do him, too. (IMITATING ED SULLIVAN)
345
00:12:36,230 --> 00:12:41,202
Next on our really big show here tonight,
we're going to have-- Have a nice show.
347
00:12:41,302 --> 00:12:43,237
He's opening at the Diamond Club.
348
00:12:43,337 --> 00:12:44,538
The Diamond Club?
349
00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:48,142
Uh, you weren't thinking of opening
Kenny at the Diamond Club, were you?
351
00:12:48,242 --> 00:12:49,510
Who's not thinking of it?
352
00:12:49,610 --> 00:12:51,078
Mr. Calvada, I'll tell you.
353
00:12:51,178 --> 00:12:53,948
The Diamond spot is-- is one of the-- the top spots around.
354
00:12:54,048 --> 00:12:58,219
And-- and Kenny-- I mean,
gifted as he may be-- is an unknown.
356
00:12:58,319 --> 00:12:59,420
I know him.
357
00:13:02,156 --> 00:13:09,897
And, coincidentally, the performer who is
currently appearing there took sick next week.
359
00:13:13,701 --> 00:13:17,405
Well, Mr. Calvada, couldn't-- couldn't he--
you-- couldn't he be sick in two weeks?
361
00:13:17,505 --> 00:13:18,673
Oh, sorry.
362
00:13:18,773 --> 00:13:21,075
His disease has already been arranged for.
363
00:13:21,175 --> 00:13:23,544
Mr. Calvada, I don't think that will be fair to Kenny.
364
00:13:23,644 --> 00:13:25,513
He can't learn a whole act in one week.
365
00:13:25,613 --> 00:13:29,884
Well, I guess I could reschedule his disease.
366
00:13:29,984 --> 00:13:31,118
OK.
367
00:13:31,218 --> 00:13:32,853
You got two weeks.
368
00:13:32,953 --> 00:13:33,888
Bernard.
369
00:13:38,959 --> 00:13:39,994
Come on, Kenny.
370
00:13:40,094 --> 00:13:41,195
Hey, I got one more. (IMITATING YOGI BEAR)
371
00:13:41,295 --> 00:13:42,763
Hey, hey, hey.
372
00:13:42,863 --> 00:13:45,066
Smarter than the average b-- (NORMAL VOICE) OK, Uncle Max.
373
00:13:48,335 --> 00:13:49,804
Two weeks.
374
00:13:49,904 --> 00:13:51,339
Good luck.
375
00:13:51,439 --> 00:13:52,907
The kid breaks me up.
376
00:14:01,348 --> 00:14:05,753
Well, I'd call the cops, but I don't know what to tell them.
377
00:14:05,853 --> 00:14:07,288
We might as well get started, you guys.
378
00:14:07,388 --> 00:14:08,355
But what are we going to write?
379
00:14:08,456 --> 00:14:09,557
Our wills.
380
00:14:25,506 --> 00:14:27,074
[quiet laughter]
381
00:14:28,576 --> 00:14:29,877
(QUIETLY) That's funny.
382
00:14:43,524 --> 00:14:46,093
[phone ringing]
383
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:54,435
Hello?
384
00:14:54,535 --> 00:14:56,103
Oh, hi, Buddy.
385
00:14:56,203 --> 00:14:57,671
No, I wasn't asleep.
386
00:14:57,772 --> 00:14:58,406
No.
387
00:14:58,506 --> 00:14:59,673
You've got an idea?
388
00:14:59,774 --> 00:15:00,608
Look.
389
00:15:00,708 --> 00:15:01,909
Let me take it in the living room.
390
00:15:02,009 --> 00:15:03,244
Laura's asleep. I don't want to wake her up.
391
00:15:03,344 --> 00:15:06,046
I'm awake.
392
00:15:06,147 --> 00:15:08,582
She's awake.
393
00:15:08,682 --> 00:15:10,317
Honey, I'm sorry. Look it.
394
00:15:10,417 --> 00:15:11,352
Buddy's got an idea.
395
00:15:11,452 --> 00:15:12,353
I'll take it in the living room.
396
00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:13,888
No, no.
397
00:15:13,988 --> 00:15:15,256
As long as I'm up, I might as well know what's going on.
398
00:15:15,356 --> 00:15:16,524
OK.
399
00:15:16,624 --> 00:15:17,425
Hello, Buddy?
400
00:15:17,525 --> 00:15:20,795
What's your idea?
401
00:15:20,895 --> 00:15:22,263
Oh, that's cute.
402
00:15:22,363 --> 00:15:24,398
What is that again?
403
00:15:24,498 --> 00:15:28,402
Secaucus, Schenectady, and Chicago.
404
00:15:28,502 --> 00:15:29,336
[laughter]
405
00:15:29,436 --> 00:15:30,638
It's very good.
406
00:15:30,738 --> 00:15:31,372
OK.
407
00:15:31,472 --> 00:15:32,573
Bye.
408
00:15:32,673 --> 00:15:34,275
Talk to you about it in the morning.
409
00:15:34,375 --> 00:15:35,676
Leaving town?
410
00:15:35,776 --> 00:15:36,677
Huh?
411
00:15:36,777 --> 00:15:37,645
Oh, no.
412
00:15:37,745 --> 00:15:39,847
Buddy's got an idea for a bit here.
413
00:15:39,947 --> 00:15:42,049
A train announcer who has an allergy.
414
00:15:42,149 --> 00:15:43,250
Yeah?
415
00:15:43,350 --> 00:15:45,986
And so when he announces the trains,
he can't say the stations. He sneezes them.
417
00:15:46,086 --> 00:15:47,054
Well, like what?
418
00:15:47,154 --> 00:15:53,227
Well, like, he'd say,
all aboard for-- (SNEEZING) Schenectady.
420
00:15:53,327 --> 00:15:54,161
Ugh.
421
00:15:54,261 --> 00:15:59,400
All aboard for-- Ch--
(SNEEZING) Ch-- Ch-- Chicago.
423
00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:00,568
Ugh.
424
00:16:00,668 --> 00:16:01,502
That's wonderful, Rob.
425
00:16:01,602 --> 00:16:02,636
Try Wichita.
426
00:16:02,736 --> 00:16:03,671
Oh, that's a good one.
427
00:16:03,771 --> 00:16:10,711
All aboard for W-- all aboard
for W-- for-- Wich-- Wichita!
429
00:16:13,447 --> 00:16:14,949
Oh, Rob, that's wonderful.
430
00:16:15,049 --> 00:16:18,352
Darling, in fact, all the stuff you
showed me tonight just sounds great.
432
00:16:18,452 --> 00:16:20,187
All these things that you've written for him are marvelous.
433
00:16:20,287 --> 00:16:21,488
He's going to be a big hit.
434
00:16:21,589 --> 00:16:24,091
We'll find out at the Diamond Club.
435
00:16:24,191 --> 00:16:25,259
Darling, get some sleep.
436
00:16:25,359 --> 00:16:26,560
Oh, I will a little later, honey.
437
00:16:26,660 --> 00:16:27,862
I've still got to go over some more ideas.
438
00:16:33,567 --> 00:16:35,402
[laughing]
439
00:16:35,502 --> 00:16:38,405
Oh, Rob, that's funny.
440
00:16:38,505 --> 00:16:39,340
What's funny?
441
00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:40,574
That's nervous.
442
00:16:49,149 --> 00:16:51,685
[chatter]
443
00:16:52,853 --> 00:16:53,554
No.
444
00:16:53,654 --> 00:16:54,755
Another drink for everyone?
445
00:16:54,855 --> 00:16:56,290
Yeah-- yeah, I'd like another one.
446
00:16:56,390 --> 00:16:57,424
I might as well, yeah.
447
00:16:57,524 --> 00:16:58,492
It might put us in a mellow mood.
448
00:16:58,592 --> 00:17:00,427
You know, more receptive.
449
00:17:00,527 --> 00:17:01,729
Same thing all around.
450
00:17:01,829 --> 00:17:04,999
And for Mrs. Calvada, a black rhinoceros.
451
00:17:05,099 --> 00:17:06,033
WAITER: Yes, sir.
452
00:17:06,133 --> 00:17:07,468
Anything else, sir?
453
00:17:07,568 --> 00:17:08,469
Start the show.
454
00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:10,938
[snapping]
455
00:17:11,038 --> 00:17:12,439
[music playing]
456
00:17:12,540 --> 00:17:15,409
ANNOUNCER: And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's showtime.
457
00:17:15,509 --> 00:17:16,777
Good luck. [nervous laughter]
458
00:17:16,877 --> 00:17:21,415
ANNOUNCER: The comedy star of our show will not
appear tonight due to an unexpected illness.
460
00:17:21,515 --> 00:17:25,719
However, in his place, the Diamond Club
is proud to present the fastest rising
462
00:17:25,819 --> 00:17:29,990
comic in show business, the multi-talented Kenny Dexter.
463
00:17:30,090 --> 00:17:31,659
[applause]
464
00:17:31,759 --> 00:17:33,060
[music playing]
465
00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:36,463
(SINGING OFF-KEY) I will bring you some laughter.
466
00:17:36,563 --> 00:17:39,800
It's your applause that I'm after.
467
00:17:39,900 --> 00:17:45,940
I'll sing, and I'll clown, chase away
every frown until I hear you say, encore.
469
00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:52,713
Because I'm a kind of a guy who will
say hi, be out all night on the floor.
471
00:17:52,813 --> 00:17:56,850
Because I love to hear you say, encore.
472
00:18:02,489 --> 00:18:03,357
Yeah.
473
00:18:03,457 --> 00:18:05,893
[applause]
474
00:18:05,993 --> 00:18:06,961
Bernard.
475
00:18:07,061 --> 00:18:08,362
Make a note.
476
00:18:08,462 --> 00:18:12,766
First thing tomorrow, I want to talk to Kenny's voice teacher.
477
00:18:12,866 --> 00:18:14,134
Thank you very much, folks.
478
00:18:14,234 --> 00:18:15,436
My name is Kenny Dexter.
479
00:18:15,536 --> 00:18:17,204
[laughter]
480
00:18:17,304 --> 00:18:18,405
He's got a great delivery.
481
00:18:18,505 --> 00:18:19,740
Wonderful.
482
00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:23,243
I'd like, at this time, ladies and gentlemen,
to give you my impression of a train announcer
484
00:18:23,344 --> 00:18:26,347
who announces trains at a railroad station.
485
00:18:26,447 --> 00:18:28,248
[sneezing]
486
00:18:28,349 --> 00:18:29,183
Oh, yeah.
487
00:18:29,283 --> 00:18:30,651
I almost forgot.
488
00:18:30,751 --> 00:18:32,353
Oh, this train announcer, see?
489
00:18:32,453 --> 00:18:33,954
He has an allergy.
490
00:18:34,054 --> 00:18:38,525
And every time he sneezes, he sneezes
out the train station-- the stop.
492
00:18:38,626 --> 00:18:39,493
And here's the first one.
493
00:18:39,593 --> 00:18:40,394
It's really funny.
494
00:18:40,494 --> 00:18:42,029
Watch this.
495
00:18:42,129 --> 00:18:45,099
Ah-- ah-- cha-- Schenectady!
496
00:18:45,199 --> 00:18:46,467
[nervous laughter]
497
00:18:46,567 --> 00:18:47,401
See what I mean?
498
00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:48,402
See what I mean?
499
00:18:48,502 --> 00:18:50,304
Ah-- ah-- ah-choo, Buffalo!
500
00:18:50,404 --> 00:18:52,139
See?
501
00:18:52,239 --> 00:18:55,709
Ah-- ah-- ch-- Wichita, ahchoo.
502
00:18:55,809 --> 00:18:58,245
[nervous laughter]
503
00:18:58,345 --> 00:18:59,146
What is this?
504
00:18:59,246 --> 00:19:01,515
An audience or a jury?
505
00:19:01,615 --> 00:19:02,783
[music playing]
506
00:19:02,883 --> 00:19:09,723
(SINGING) Because I'm the kind of a guy who will
loosen his tie, stay out all night on the floor.
508
00:19:09,823 --> 00:19:13,427
Because I love to hear you say, encore.
509
00:19:17,464 --> 00:19:18,732
Yeah.
510
00:19:18,832 --> 00:19:20,300
[applause]
511
00:19:20,401 --> 00:19:21,201
Hey, encore!
512
00:19:21,301 --> 00:19:22,136
Wonderful.
513
00:19:22,236 --> 00:19:23,270
Wonderful.
514
00:19:23,370 --> 00:19:25,739
Well, my dear, what do you think of our nephew?
515
00:19:25,839 --> 00:19:28,108
He stinks.
516
00:19:28,208 --> 00:19:30,477
Well, we certainly have had a wonderful evening, Mr. Calvada.
517
00:19:30,577 --> 00:19:32,746
We hate to eat and run, but we've got to be going home.
518
00:19:32,846 --> 00:19:34,348
Just a moment. Just a moment.
519
00:19:34,448 --> 00:19:35,783
Sit down.
520
00:19:35,883 --> 00:19:40,387
Uh, Mrs. Petrie, I've taken the liberty of arranging
for your transportation home, because these folks
522
00:19:40,487 --> 00:19:44,024
have to stay on with me for a little business discussion.
523
00:19:44,124 --> 00:19:45,392
Well, here-- here tonight?
524
00:19:45,492 --> 00:19:50,531
Right now while the memory of Kenneth's
debut is still fresh in our mind.
526
00:19:50,631 --> 00:19:52,766
It'll stay fresh in our mind.
527
00:19:52,866 --> 00:19:53,667
Forever.
528
00:19:53,767 --> 00:19:55,235
I want it now.
529
00:19:55,335 --> 00:20:03,577
Because as Macbeth said, if it were done, when 'tis
done, 'twere better that it were done quickly.
531
00:20:03,677 --> 00:20:06,313
Lloyd, do you mind letting us use your office for a minute?
532
00:20:06,413 --> 00:20:07,314
Sure, Max, sure.
533
00:20:07,414 --> 00:20:08,816
Nice meeting you folks.
534
00:20:18,058 --> 00:20:23,097
All right, Bernard, head this one
"Rogers, Petrie, Sorrell, final meeting."
536
00:20:23,197 --> 00:20:24,998
Final meeting?
537
00:20:25,099 --> 00:20:29,236
Could we have lunch once in a while?
538
00:20:29,336 --> 00:20:30,304
Go ahead.
539
00:20:37,211 --> 00:20:38,145
Sit.
540
00:20:42,850 --> 00:20:49,790
I guess we are all agreed that Kenneth's debut
here tonight was something less than a smash, eh?
542
00:20:49,890 --> 00:20:50,691
What do you say, Robert?
543
00:20:50,791 --> 00:20:51,625
Oh.
544
00:20:51,725 --> 00:20:53,026
Well.
545
00:20:53,127 --> 00:20:55,195
I was-- there-- it was a little hard for us to say.
546
00:20:55,295 --> 00:20:58,232
You know, we've been awfully close to
working with, uh, Kenny all the time.
548
00:20:58,332 --> 00:21:01,802
I think there's much can be
said, of course, uh, about Kenny.
550
00:21:01,902 --> 00:21:03,504
That he, uh-- he looked good.
551
00:21:03,604 --> 00:21:04,538
Don't you think he looked good?
552
00:21:04,638 --> 00:21:06,740
Oh, he looked great.
553
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:07,674
White's your color, kid.
554
00:21:07,774 --> 00:21:09,143
Yeah.
555
00:21:09,243 --> 00:21:11,145
I think we're all agreed that Kenneth looked good.
556
00:21:11,245 --> 00:21:11,979
Thank you.
557
00:21:12,079 --> 00:21:13,781
You know,
in that one thing-- Shut up.
558
00:21:13,881 --> 00:21:22,089
Now, uh, about the act-- Oh, well, I, uh-- I think
he's-- I thought that the, uh, lighting was--
561
00:21:22,189 --> 00:21:24,024
was, uh, brilliant-- brilliant.
562
00:21:24,124 --> 00:21:25,826
And I really would like to compliment the orchestra.
563
00:21:25,926 --> 00:21:27,194
Oh, weren't they marvelous?
564
00:21:27,294 --> 00:21:29,363
The trumpet player was
just-- Never missed a beat.
566
00:21:29,463 --> 00:21:30,297
Yeah.
567
00:21:30,397 --> 00:21:32,166
About his performance.
568
00:21:32,266 --> 00:21:39,573
Well, uh-- I-- his performance, I think
it-- it was sort of, uh-- uh, rotten.
570
00:21:39,673 --> 00:21:40,741
Sort of what?
571
00:21:40,841 --> 00:21:41,942
Rotten.
572
00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:47,381
Rotten, eh?
573
00:21:47,481 --> 00:21:48,749
Why?
574
00:21:48,849 --> 00:21:50,217
Well, I-- it might have been opening night jitters even.
575
00:21:50,317 --> 00:21:51,885
Or maybe that's not his room in there.
576
00:21:51,985 --> 00:21:55,923
You-- I-- And maybe
the material was bad?
577
00:21:56,023 --> 00:21:57,191
We could rewrite the material.
578
00:21:57,291 --> 00:21:57,891
No.
579
00:21:57,991 --> 00:21:59,493
Hold it a minute.
580
00:21:59,593 --> 00:22:02,696
Mr. Calvada, there-- there was nothing
wrong with the material we wrote for Kenny.
582
00:22:02,796 --> 00:22:03,931
Oh, is that so?
583
00:22:04,031 --> 00:22:05,299
Yeah, that's right.
584
00:22:05,399 --> 00:22:06,366
That's right.
585
00:22:06,466 --> 00:22:08,135
I think you might as well know the truth.
586
00:22:08,235 --> 00:22:10,270
There was something lacking in the way Kenny performed it.
587
00:22:10,370 --> 00:22:11,305
What's that?
588
00:22:11,405 --> 00:22:14,174
Well, talent.
589
00:22:14,274 --> 00:22:16,243
I don't think that Kenny has much.
590
00:22:16,343 --> 00:22:18,011
Or at least he didn't have enough.
591
00:22:18,111 --> 00:22:19,213
I-- I'm sorry, Kenny.
592
00:22:19,313 --> 00:22:20,781
And I'm sorry, Mr. Calvada.
593
00:22:20,881 --> 00:22:25,052
But I think somebody should have told him a long
time ago and saved a lot of time and effort.
595
00:22:25,152 --> 00:22:26,186
Oh, that's what you think?
596
00:22:26,286 --> 00:22:27,321
Yeah, that's what I think.
597
00:22:27,421 --> 00:22:28,855
And, uh, well, they agree with me.
598
00:22:28,956 --> 00:22:33,827
Don't you, you guys? - I-- I don't Well,
you see, Rob-- Well, they agree with me.
601
00:22:33,927 --> 00:22:37,998
And the-- well, the whole audience in
there-- they-- and my wife-- your wife.
603
00:22:38,098 --> 00:22:39,633
Yeah, your wife said he stinks.
604
00:22:39,733 --> 00:22:40,534
Stinks, yeah.
605
00:22:40,634 --> 00:22:41,468
I agree.
606
00:22:41,568 --> 00:22:42,836
He stinks.
607
00:22:42,936 --> 00:22:45,439
I-- Kenny, I-- it's nothing personal with you.
608
00:22:45,539 --> 00:22:47,107
I mean, it's just-- that's just the way it is.
609
00:22:47,207 --> 00:22:48,775
- I think you've said enough. - I have.
610
00:22:48,875 --> 00:22:50,043
I have.
611
00:22:50,143 --> 00:22:53,247
Yeah, I hope you take this in the
spirit in which it was, uh, given.
613
00:22:53,347 --> 00:22:54,348
Do you?
614
00:22:54,448 --> 00:22:56,049
I-- I don't want to destroy anybody here.
615
00:22:56,149 --> 00:22:58,652
And I fervently hope you feel the same way.
616
00:23:02,823 --> 00:23:03,957
All right, Robert.
617
00:23:04,057 --> 00:23:04,958
I'm going to give it to you straight.
618
00:23:05,058 --> 00:23:06,193
Straight?
619
00:23:06,293 --> 00:23:07,127
Yeah.
620
00:23:07,227 --> 00:23:09,296
I agree with every word you said.
621
00:23:09,396 --> 00:23:10,964
You do?
622
00:23:11,064 --> 00:23:14,368
Well, then why are you trying to
get him in-- in show business?
624
00:23:14,468 --> 00:23:17,738
I'm trying to get him out of show business and into college.
625
00:23:17,838 --> 00:23:19,373
Tell them what our deal is, Kenneth.
626
00:23:22,442 --> 00:23:26,980
Well, I always said I'd be great if I had the
right chance, you know, with good writers,
628
00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:31,018
a big nightclub-- And
a $300 white suit.
629
00:23:31,118 --> 00:23:35,822
Well, my parents and Uncle Max-- they wanted me
to go on to college and study accounting, see?
632
00:23:35,922 --> 00:23:37,257
So we made this deal.
633
00:23:37,357 --> 00:23:41,161
If I didn't make it tonight, then I
forget about show business for a while.
635
00:23:41,261 --> 00:23:44,998
Well, now I think I ought to have something
else to fall back on just in case.
637
00:23:45,098 --> 00:23:46,566
I don't know.
638
00:23:46,667 --> 00:23:49,770
The kid still breaks me up.
639
00:23:49,870 --> 00:23:52,639
You know, maybe tonight wasn't a fair test, Uncle Max.
640
00:23:52,739 --> 00:23:53,774
I was nervous out there.
641
00:23:53,874 --> 00:23:54,741
Oh?
642
00:23:54,841 --> 00:23:55,776
Well, are you nervous now?
643
00:23:55,876 --> 00:23:56,677
No.
644
00:23:56,777 --> 00:23:57,711
Well, go ahead.
645
00:23:57,811 --> 00:23:58,645
Give it to us again.
646
00:23:58,745 --> 00:23:59,546
Give us that big finish.
647
00:23:59,646 --> 00:24:00,981
Let's hear it.
648
00:24:01,081 --> 00:24:02,316
You mean, from when the band starts coming back in?
649
00:24:02,416 --> 00:24:03,650
Yeah.
650
00:24:03,750 --> 00:24:08,288
(SINGING OFF KEY) Da, da.
'Cause I love to hear you say, encore.
652
00:24:11,358 --> 00:24:12,993
Take off the white suit.
653
00:24:21,568 --> 00:24:24,438
I'd offer you a drink, but I know
you don't want to stay any later.
655
00:24:24,538 --> 00:24:25,806
Your wives must be waiting for you.
656
00:24:25,906 --> 00:24:27,074
- Yeah. - That's right.
657
00:24:27,174 --> 00:24:28,275
We'd better go, you guys.
658
00:24:28,375 --> 00:24:30,243
Yeah, I got a cat that worries, too.
659
00:24:30,344 --> 00:24:31,078
Yeah.
660
00:24:31,178 --> 00:24:32,679
So, uh, uh, Bernard.
661
00:24:41,655 --> 00:24:45,392
[music playing]
41771
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