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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,041 --> 00:00:01,309 [theme music] 2 00:00:01,409 --> 00:00:04,346 ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show," 3 00:00:04,446 --> 00:00:16,725 starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore. 5 00:00:21,162 --> 00:00:22,397 Wait a minute. 6 00:00:22,497 --> 00:00:25,066 Sal, you don't mean that we'll end the show with a riddle every week. - Mhm. 8 00:00:25,166 --> 00:00:26,401 - What kind of riddles? - Any kind. 9 00:00:26,501 --> 00:00:28,036 [phone ringing] 10 00:00:28,136 --> 00:00:29,004 Hello. 11 00:00:29,104 --> 00:00:30,272 Hi, Marge. 12 00:00:30,372 --> 00:00:33,608 Oh, Rob, there's a Mr. Maxwell Calvada outside to see. 13 00:00:33,708 --> 00:00:35,443 - Maxwell Calvada? - Yeah. 14 00:00:35,544 --> 00:00:36,678 Uh, well, tell her to have him wait. 15 00:00:36,778 --> 00:00:37,579 Have him wait. 16 00:00:37,679 --> 00:00:38,513 All right. 17 00:00:38,613 --> 00:00:39,547 What kind of riddles? 18 00:00:39,648 --> 00:00:41,383 Hey, who's Maxwell Calvada? 19 00:00:41,483 --> 00:00:42,517 No. No, no. 20 00:00:42,617 --> 00:00:43,818 Not like that. 21 00:00:43,919 --> 00:00:49,491 I mean riddles like, what is big and green and, uh, has a big trunk? 23 00:00:49,591 --> 00:00:52,060 An unripe elephant. 24 00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:54,229 Yeah, like that, only good ones. 25 00:00:54,329 --> 00:00:55,297 Maxwell Calvada. 26 00:00:55,397 --> 00:00:56,831 Is he in television? 27 00:00:56,932 --> 00:00:57,999 No, I think he's got something to do with the government. 28 00:00:58,099 --> 00:00:59,935 Yeah, the government. The Senate? 29 00:01:00,035 --> 00:01:00,869 I got it. 30 00:01:00,969 --> 00:01:02,237 - Senator Calvada, right? - No. 31 00:01:02,337 --> 00:01:03,438 Big Max Calvada. 32 00:01:03,538 --> 00:01:04,906 Boy, have you seen him on television. 33 00:01:05,006 --> 00:01:06,942 He was a guy on the racket investigations, remember? 34 00:01:07,042 --> 00:01:07,676 Oh. 35 00:01:07,776 --> 00:01:09,077 That's right. 36 00:01:09,177 --> 00:01:10,345 They kept him on the stand something like six days. 37 00:01:10,445 --> 00:01:11,646 That's the guy. 38 00:01:11,746 --> 00:01:12,981 Yeah, but he never answered one question. 39 00:01:13,081 --> 00:01:14,883 The papers called him Fifth Amendment Calvada. 40 00:01:14,983 --> 00:01:17,052 Yeah, and they never pinned one thing on him. 41 00:01:17,152 --> 00:01:17,752 Yeah. 42 00:01:17,852 --> 00:01:19,554 Big Max Calvada. 43 00:01:19,654 --> 00:01:23,224 I, uh, wonder why he's waiting to see you. 44 00:01:23,325 --> 00:01:25,026 Because I told him to wait. 45 00:01:27,896 --> 00:01:30,799 I don't think that's a thing a person ought to do to Big Max Calvada. - No, no. 47 00:01:30,899 --> 00:01:32,033 I'd better get him. 48 00:01:43,311 --> 00:01:45,914 My name is Maxwell Calvada. 49 00:01:46,014 --> 00:01:48,083 I assume you're Robert Petrie. 50 00:01:48,183 --> 00:01:49,250 [stuttering] 51 00:01:49,351 --> 00:01:50,285 Yeah. 52 00:01:50,385 --> 00:01:51,486 This is my associate, Bernard. 53 00:01:51,586 --> 00:01:54,055 Oh, uh, h-- hi, Bernard, how are you? 54 00:01:56,458 --> 00:01:57,258 Oh, excuse me. 55 00:01:57,359 --> 00:01:59,661 These are my associates. 56 00:01:59,761 --> 00:02:01,229 This is Sally and Buddy. 57 00:02:01,329 --> 00:02:03,798 Say hello. 58 00:02:03,898 --> 00:02:06,067 I know you all very well by reputation. 59 00:02:06,167 --> 00:02:07,268 Likewise. 60 00:02:07,369 --> 00:02:11,239 He means, uh, we're very pleased to meet you. 61 00:02:11,339 --> 00:02:14,576 Well, uh, I-- I guess we've all been introduced, all right. 63 00:02:14,676 --> 00:02:15,510 Yeah. 64 00:02:15,610 --> 00:02:18,046 [nervous laughter] 65 00:02:19,481 --> 00:02:20,415 All right. 66 00:02:23,084 --> 00:02:27,155 Now that we've exchanged pleasantries, let's get down to business. 68 00:02:27,255 --> 00:02:28,223 Uh, business? 69 00:02:33,061 --> 00:02:34,362 Yeah, let's get down to business. 70 00:02:34,462 --> 00:02:39,567 But first, uh, give me the pleasure of assisting a lovely lady to her seat. 72 00:02:39,667 --> 00:02:42,637 Oh, uh, thank you very much, Mr. Calvada. 73 00:02:42,737 --> 00:02:44,739 It's nice to have a gentleman around here. 74 00:02:44,839 --> 00:02:48,977 Thank Edmund Burke and his reflections on the French Revolution. 76 00:02:49,077 --> 00:02:55,583 He said, "the age of chivalry is gone, and that of sophisters, economists, and calculators 78 00:02:55,683 --> 00:02:56,818 has succeeded." 79 00:02:59,087 --> 00:03:02,490 That Burke sure knew his potatoes. 80 00:03:02,590 --> 00:03:05,860 You-- you sure do know your break-- Burke. 81 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:08,129 Are you surprised? 82 00:03:08,229 --> 00:03:09,097 No, no. 83 00:03:09,197 --> 00:03:09,931 OK. 84 00:03:10,031 --> 00:03:11,032 Let's knock off the symposium. 85 00:03:11,132 --> 00:03:12,667 Let's get down to business. 86 00:03:12,767 --> 00:03:14,269 Oh, excuse me, Mr. Calvada. 87 00:03:14,369 --> 00:03:17,572 I just can't imagine what kind of business you have with us. 88 00:03:17,672 --> 00:03:19,040 Oh, no? 89 00:03:19,140 --> 00:03:20,141 Why not? 90 00:03:20,241 --> 00:03:21,142 This is it! 91 00:03:27,582 --> 00:03:28,383 What are you doing? 92 00:03:28,483 --> 00:03:29,317 Clowning around? 93 00:03:29,417 --> 00:03:30,518 She's clowning around. 94 00:03:30,618 --> 00:03:31,820 Yeah. You bet. 95 00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:33,088 We're just clowning around. 96 00:03:33,188 --> 00:03:37,158 Well, you see, I find it very convenient to have my associate here transcribe 98 00:03:37,258 --> 00:03:40,595 a shorthand record of any business conversations we may have. 100 00:03:40,695 --> 00:03:42,030 It saves a lot of discussion later. 101 00:03:42,130 --> 00:03:43,698 That's, uh, a very good idea. 102 00:03:43,798 --> 00:03:47,869 Head this one "Preliminary meeting, Petries, Rogers, and Sorrell." 104 00:03:47,969 --> 00:03:50,772 That's Sorrell with two L's. 105 00:03:50,872 --> 00:03:52,540 Or-- or one. 106 00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:53,842 It makes no difference. 107 00:03:53,942 --> 00:03:55,510 I'm not too crazy about the name, anyway. 108 00:03:58,413 --> 00:04:00,849 File number KD431. 109 00:04:00,949 --> 00:04:02,984 KD, that stands for Kenneth Dexter. 110 00:04:03,084 --> 00:04:04,719 That's the guy I'm here to see you about. 111 00:04:04,819 --> 00:04:07,422 We never heard of him, right? We never-- I-- I don't know who he is. 113 00:04:07,522 --> 00:04:09,457 No, I never went out with a Kenny Dexter. 114 00:04:09,557 --> 00:04:13,828 Of course, a lot of fellas don't give their right names. 115 00:04:13,928 --> 00:04:15,663 Kenneth Dexter is my nephew. 116 00:04:15,763 --> 00:04:17,765 He's my sister, Sylvia's boy. 117 00:04:17,866 --> 00:04:18,967 You have a sister? 118 00:04:24,472 --> 00:04:25,340 Well, sure. 119 00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:27,509 She's a college graduate. 120 00:04:27,609 --> 00:04:32,881 And it's Kenneth's ambition to go into show business as a comedian. 122 00:04:32,981 --> 00:04:34,282 The kid breaks me up. 123 00:04:38,219 --> 00:04:39,454 That is where you come in. 124 00:04:39,554 --> 00:04:42,924 You see, I have, for a long time, been a fan of "The Alan Brady Show." 126 00:04:43,024 --> 00:04:48,796 Although his particular charm eludes me, I've always found the writing to be at the highest caliber. 128 00:04:48,897 --> 00:04:49,998 Gee, how about that? 129 00:04:50,098 --> 00:04:53,101 Isn't that a relief-- uh, compliment. 130 00:04:53,201 --> 00:04:54,802 I like your collective style. 131 00:04:54,903 --> 00:04:58,006 It's neither too esoteric nor too mundane. 132 00:04:58,106 --> 00:05:03,077 Pragmatically speaking, it hits me right in the gut. 133 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:07,882 It breaks him up. 134 00:05:07,982 --> 00:05:12,086 That's why I've decided that if Kenneth is going to be a comedian and go into show business, 136 00:05:12,187 --> 00:05:14,322 I want you to write his act. 137 00:05:14,422 --> 00:05:15,323 Us? 138 00:05:15,423 --> 00:05:16,558 [stuttering] 139 00:05:16,658 --> 00:05:18,159 Us? 140 00:05:18,259 --> 00:05:22,363 Uh, Mr. Calvada, this-- it-- that comes as kind of a surprise to us. 142 00:05:22,463 --> 00:05:27,902 We, uh-- we, uh, you know, have a lot of other work to be done. 143 00:05:28,002 --> 00:05:30,438 I, uh-- would you care if we discuss that? 144 00:05:30,538 --> 00:05:31,706 No, no. Go ahead. 145 00:05:31,806 --> 00:05:33,241 Discuss it. - Oh, thank you very much. 146 00:05:35,810 --> 00:05:36,945 Uh. 147 00:05:39,814 --> 00:05:44,185 Uh, uh, would you like to-- uh, no, you probably wouldn't. 148 00:05:44,285 --> 00:05:46,588 No use making them wait out in the hall. 149 00:05:46,688 --> 00:05:47,522 Go ahead. 150 00:05:47,622 --> 00:05:48,489 Discuss it. 151 00:05:48,590 --> 00:05:51,025 Oh, well, uh, all right. 152 00:05:51,125 --> 00:05:52,860 Hey, Sal, what do you think? 153 00:05:52,961 --> 00:05:54,629 Oh, gosh, Rob. I-- I don't know. 154 00:05:54,729 --> 00:05:55,563 What do you think, Buddy? 155 00:05:55,663 --> 00:05:58,933 Oh, sure, I-- I agree with Rob. 156 00:05:59,033 --> 00:06:03,137 Well, there's one thing we-- another-- that we got to consider is money. 158 00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:04,772 You know, because we already have a job. 159 00:06:04,872 --> 00:06:06,040 Yeah, "The Alan Brady Show." 160 00:06:06,140 --> 00:06:07,742 Yeah, we've got an exclusive contract. 161 00:06:07,842 --> 00:06:08,710 - Yeah. - That's right. 162 00:06:08,810 --> 00:06:10,111 That could be worked out. 163 00:06:10,211 --> 00:06:10,979 Of course, I imagine that could be worked out. 164 00:06:11,079 --> 00:06:13,514 I think so. 165 00:06:13,615 --> 00:06:16,884 I imagine Mr. Calvada knows Alan Brady. 166 00:06:16,985 --> 00:06:18,152 He knows me. 167 00:06:18,253 --> 00:06:20,355 And I suppose that Alan knows him, too. 168 00:06:20,455 --> 00:06:21,756 Oh, sure. 169 00:06:21,856 --> 00:06:23,224 Then there's the matter of money. 170 00:06:23,324 --> 00:06:24,525 We're going to have to charge an awful lot of money. 171 00:06:24,626 --> 00:06:25,660 - Oh, yeah. - A fortune. 172 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:26,828 Don't forget there's three of us. 173 00:06:26,928 --> 00:06:28,029 We get a lot of loot for the three. 174 00:06:28,129 --> 00:06:29,464 Yeah. MR. CALVADA: Money is no object. 175 00:06:29,564 --> 00:06:30,765 I would imagine that money is probably no object. 176 00:06:30,865 --> 00:06:31,699 No, I don't think so. 177 00:06:31,799 --> 00:06:33,835 No. 178 00:06:33,935 --> 00:06:35,036 Rob. 179 00:06:38,039 --> 00:06:41,476 I couldn't help but overhear your discussion. 180 00:06:41,576 --> 00:06:46,547 And, uh, you seem to be having a little trouble arriving at a decision. 182 00:06:46,648 --> 00:06:50,818 Well, I certainly hope you can see it my way. 183 00:06:50,918 --> 00:06:54,856 How-- how, uh-- how upset would you be if-- if we didn't? 185 00:06:54,956 --> 00:06:57,659 Well, upset isn't the right word. 186 00:06:57,759 --> 00:07:02,330 Since I've been under analysis, the worst I ever get is cranky. 187 00:07:02,430 --> 00:07:03,264 Cranky? 188 00:07:03,364 --> 00:07:04,599 Yeah, like-- like a kid might get. 189 00:07:04,699 --> 00:07:07,135 Like-- like this, uh, boy of yours might get. 190 00:07:07,235 --> 00:07:08,603 That's your son, Ritchie. 191 00:07:08,703 --> 00:07:09,937 Yeah, that's Rich, my boy. 192 00:07:10,038 --> 00:07:11,339 Uh-huh. 193 00:07:11,439 --> 00:07:13,474 He's the spitting image of your lovely wife, Laura. 194 00:07:13,574 --> 00:07:15,643 Oh-- do-- do you know my wife and my lovely Ritchie? 195 00:07:15,743 --> 00:07:16,978 Yeah. 196 00:07:17,078 --> 00:07:22,583 I make it a practice to learn as much as I can about my business associates. 198 00:07:22,684 --> 00:07:25,219 [sighing] 199 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:26,854 It's unanimous, you guys, right? 200 00:07:26,954 --> 00:07:29,324 Right, you bet. 201 00:07:29,424 --> 00:07:30,658 We're looking forward to it. 202 00:07:30,758 --> 00:07:31,793 Yeah. 203 00:07:31,893 --> 00:07:34,829 When do we get to meet Mr. Dex-- Dexter-- Kenny? 205 00:07:34,929 --> 00:07:37,765 Well, I told him to drop in here on you noon tomorrow. 206 00:07:37,865 --> 00:07:39,400 The kid'll break you up. 207 00:07:39,500 --> 00:07:40,234 He will? 208 00:07:40,335 --> 00:07:41,402 Oh, he'll make us laugh. 209 00:07:41,502 --> 00:07:42,103 Oh. 210 00:07:42,203 --> 00:07:43,504 [nervous laughter] 211 00:07:43,604 --> 00:07:48,176 I can no other answer make but thanks and thanks and ever thanks. 213 00:07:48,276 --> 00:07:49,777 That's Shakespeare. 214 00:07:49,877 --> 00:07:51,245 Do a good job. 215 00:07:51,346 --> 00:07:52,246 Bernard. 216 00:08:04,092 --> 00:08:05,994 [clearing throat] 217 00:08:06,094 --> 00:08:08,296 Some are born great. 218 00:08:08,396 --> 00:08:10,331 Some, uh, achieve greatness. 219 00:08:10,431 --> 00:08:14,902 And, uh, others have greatness thrust upon them. 220 00:08:15,002 --> 00:08:16,137 Al Capone. 221 00:08:20,775 --> 00:08:22,343 Rob, dinner's almost ready. 222 00:08:22,443 --> 00:08:24,712 How can you think of food at a time like this? 223 00:08:24,812 --> 00:08:28,182 Darling, all you had to do was say no to Mr. Calvada. 224 00:08:28,282 --> 00:08:30,385 There are some people you don't say no to. 225 00:08:30,485 --> 00:08:32,220 Max Calvada happens to be one of them. 226 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:33,755 Oh, Rob, for heaven's sake. 227 00:08:33,855 --> 00:08:35,022 This isn't the roaring '20s. 228 00:08:35,123 --> 00:08:36,090 It's the 1960s. 229 00:08:36,190 --> 00:08:37,358 That's right. 230 00:08:37,458 --> 00:08:39,060 And I'd like to be held over for the '70s. 231 00:08:42,530 --> 00:08:45,433 Rob, he didn't really threaten you, did he? 232 00:08:45,533 --> 00:08:49,537 He took a long, long look at the picture of Ritchie. 233 00:08:49,637 --> 00:08:50,772 He did? 234 00:08:50,872 --> 00:08:52,173 Yeah. 235 00:08:52,273 --> 00:08:53,641 That's the way they get to you, you know. 236 00:08:53,741 --> 00:08:55,042 They threaten your family. 237 00:08:55,143 --> 00:08:56,277 You know what he said about you? 238 00:08:56,377 --> 00:08:57,045 What? 239 00:08:57,145 --> 00:08:57,979 He said you were lovely. 240 00:08:58,079 --> 00:08:59,113 That's what he said. 241 00:08:59,213 --> 00:09:00,515 He said I was lovely? 242 00:09:00,615 --> 00:09:01,215 That's right. 243 00:09:01,315 --> 00:09:02,250 How did he know? 244 00:09:02,350 --> 00:09:05,086 I mean, how did he know? 245 00:09:05,186 --> 00:09:07,021 Honey, they have ways. 246 00:09:07,121 --> 00:09:10,158 They've got a lot of ways to find out when a person is lovely. 248 00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:12,660 Well, anyway, Rob, what kind of a threat is that? 249 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:15,129 It's a compliment. 250 00:09:15,229 --> 00:09:16,264 Not the way he said it. 251 00:09:16,364 --> 00:09:19,000 It was no compliment, honey. 252 00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:21,869 But-- is there some way you could get out of it? 253 00:09:21,969 --> 00:09:24,806 Honey, if I could get out of it, I wouldn't have to get out of it, 255 00:09:24,906 --> 00:09:27,475 because I wouldn't have got into it in the first place. 256 00:09:27,575 --> 00:09:29,143 Rob, you know, we're being silly. 257 00:09:29,243 --> 00:09:33,448 You have nothing to worry about because you agreed to do the show. 259 00:09:33,548 --> 00:09:37,185 Honey, I got a-- what if it's no good? 260 00:09:37,285 --> 00:09:41,089 I got a feeling if our jokes die, we're going to go with them. 262 00:09:41,189 --> 00:09:42,290 Why should your jokes die? 263 00:09:42,390 --> 00:09:43,591 You're all good writers. 264 00:09:43,691 --> 00:09:45,226 What if his nephew is a no-good comedian? 265 00:09:45,326 --> 00:09:46,260 What about that? 266 00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:47,562 Well, he must have something. 267 00:09:47,662 --> 00:09:49,063 Oh, he's got something, all right. 268 00:09:49,163 --> 00:09:51,365 A tough uncle. 269 00:09:51,466 --> 00:09:53,935 You're not really that nervous, are you? 270 00:09:54,035 --> 00:09:56,304 Not nervous? 271 00:09:56,404 --> 00:09:59,207 When's the last time you saw me put on a tie to take a shower? 272 00:10:04,412 --> 00:10:06,280 OK, Marge, send him in. 273 00:10:06,380 --> 00:10:08,749 Well, our great comedian Kenny Dexter is on his way. 274 00:10:08,850 --> 00:10:10,818 Boy, I sure hope he's got some talent. 275 00:10:10,918 --> 00:10:12,086 It'll sure help. 276 00:10:12,186 --> 00:10:15,556 I got a feeling this kid is the worst comic since the history of show business. 278 00:10:15,656 --> 00:10:16,290 Wait a minute. 279 00:10:16,390 --> 00:10:19,961 Don't forget I saw you. 280 00:10:20,061 --> 00:10:23,097 I'm willing to bet you 10 bucks he's worse than I ever was. 282 00:10:23,197 --> 00:10:26,100 I'll take that bet. 283 00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:27,969 (IMITATING MOBSTER) All right, you dirty rat. 284 00:10:28,069 --> 00:10:29,237 Just give me the jokes. 285 00:10:29,337 --> 00:10:30,938 Because I got a rod in my pocket, see? 286 00:10:31,038 --> 00:10:32,173 And it's curtains for you. 287 00:10:32,273 --> 00:10:33,508 It's a curtain rod. 288 00:10:38,012 --> 00:10:39,113 Uh, Kenny? 289 00:10:39,213 --> 00:10:40,414 (IMITATING JERRY LEWIS) Kenny? Kenny? 290 00:10:40,515 --> 00:10:42,016 I don't see a Kenny around here any place. 291 00:10:42,116 --> 00:10:43,851 It's just me, and I'm looking for Dean. 292 00:10:43,951 --> 00:10:44,886 Oh, Dean. 293 00:10:44,986 --> 00:10:46,153 Dean, boys, where are you, Dean? 294 00:10:46,254 --> 00:10:47,455 Oh, Dean. 295 00:10:47,555 --> 00:10:49,023 I know you're around here someplace, Dean. 296 00:10:49,123 --> 00:10:50,124 Say, that's very good, Kenny. 297 00:10:50,224 --> 00:10:51,659 You do impressions, huh? 298 00:10:51,759 --> 00:10:53,194 Can you do Jerry Lewis? 299 00:10:53,294 --> 00:10:54,862 [nervous laughter] 300 00:10:57,231 --> 00:10:59,667 (NORMAL VOICE) Oh, I just-- ha, ha, ha. 301 00:10:59,767 --> 00:11:01,369 You're putting me on. 302 00:11:01,469 --> 00:11:03,237 You have my act ready yet? 303 00:11:03,337 --> 00:11:05,239 Well, no. 304 00:11:05,339 --> 00:11:09,443 Well, we thought we'd like to meet you, Kenny, and find out what kind of a performer you are. 306 00:11:09,544 --> 00:11:15,249 Well, people say I'm kind of a cross between Danny Kaye, Red Skelton, and Sammy Davis Jr. 308 00:11:15,349 --> 00:11:16,284 This kid don't need an act. 309 00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:19,453 He needs a large dressing room. 310 00:11:19,554 --> 00:11:21,689 Hey, you know, I'm glad you didn't write my act yet. 311 00:11:21,789 --> 00:11:23,758 See, because I got some great ideas. 312 00:11:23,858 --> 00:11:28,829 Now, the way I see it, the act should open with a dark stage. 313 00:11:28,930 --> 00:11:30,231 Then a drum roll. 314 00:11:30,331 --> 00:11:31,799 [imitating drum roll] 315 00:11:31,899 --> 00:11:32,934 Then, a spotlight hits me. 316 00:11:33,034 --> 00:11:35,303 And there I am in my white tuxedo. 317 00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:36,537 What a target. 318 00:11:40,408 --> 00:11:42,376 Then I go into my opening number, see? (SINGING) 319 00:11:42,476 --> 00:11:44,912 I will bring you some laughter. 320 00:11:45,012 --> 00:11:47,615 It's your applause that I'm-- Oh, you sing, huh, Kenny? 322 00:11:47,715 --> 00:11:48,849 Yeah. 323 00:11:48,950 --> 00:11:51,319 I've been taking voice lessons for 3 and 1/2 weeks. 324 00:11:51,419 --> 00:11:54,322 He's ready then. 325 00:11:54,422 --> 00:11:55,790 Listen, Kenny, uh, I'll tell you what. 326 00:11:55,890 --> 00:11:58,693 Why don't you let us think up-- sit down, Ken. 327 00:12:01,629 --> 00:12:03,698 Uh. 328 00:12:03,798 --> 00:12:07,134 OK, second meeting, Rogers, Petrie, and Sorrell. 329 00:12:07,234 --> 00:12:09,503 It's with two L's. 330 00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:10,671 How's everything going? 331 00:12:10,771 --> 00:12:11,505 Oh, just great. 332 00:12:11,606 --> 00:12:13,040 They really dig me, Uncle Max. 333 00:12:13,140 --> 00:12:14,175 Yeah, that's nice. 334 00:12:14,275 --> 00:12:15,443 How is it going, Robert? 335 00:12:15,543 --> 00:12:16,944 Well, uh, Mr. Calvada. 336 00:12:17,044 --> 00:12:20,681 I haven't had an opportunity to see a lot of young, uh, performers. 338 00:12:20,781 --> 00:12:23,017 But Kenny is really, really something. 339 00:12:23,117 --> 00:12:24,185 What? 340 00:12:24,285 --> 00:12:29,924 Well, uh, he-- he's kind of a, uh, combination of, uh, Danny Kaye and, uh, Red 342 00:12:30,024 --> 00:12:31,425 Skelton and Sammy Davis, Jr. 343 00:12:31,525 --> 00:12:34,528 Yeah, he's kind of like a one man "Ed Sullivan Show." 344 00:12:34,629 --> 00:12:36,130 Hey, I do him, too. (IMITATING ED SULLIVAN) 345 00:12:36,230 --> 00:12:41,202 Next on our really big show here tonight, we're going to have-- Have a nice show. 347 00:12:41,302 --> 00:12:43,237 He's opening at the Diamond Club. 348 00:12:43,337 --> 00:12:44,538 The Diamond Club? 349 00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:48,142 Uh, you weren't thinking of opening Kenny at the Diamond Club, were you? 351 00:12:48,242 --> 00:12:49,510 Who's not thinking of it? 352 00:12:49,610 --> 00:12:51,078 Mr. Calvada, I'll tell you. 353 00:12:51,178 --> 00:12:53,948 The Diamond spot is-- is one of the-- the top spots around. 354 00:12:54,048 --> 00:12:58,219 And-- and Kenny-- I mean, gifted as he may be-- is an unknown. 356 00:12:58,319 --> 00:12:59,420 I know him. 357 00:13:02,156 --> 00:13:09,897 And, coincidentally, the performer who is currently appearing there took sick next week. 359 00:13:13,701 --> 00:13:17,405 Well, Mr. Calvada, couldn't-- couldn't he-- you-- couldn't he be sick in two weeks? 361 00:13:17,505 --> 00:13:18,673 Oh, sorry. 362 00:13:18,773 --> 00:13:21,075 His disease has already been arranged for. 363 00:13:21,175 --> 00:13:23,544 Mr. Calvada, I don't think that will be fair to Kenny. 364 00:13:23,644 --> 00:13:25,513 He can't learn a whole act in one week. 365 00:13:25,613 --> 00:13:29,884 Well, I guess I could reschedule his disease. 366 00:13:29,984 --> 00:13:31,118 OK. 367 00:13:31,218 --> 00:13:32,853 You got two weeks. 368 00:13:32,953 --> 00:13:33,888 Bernard. 369 00:13:38,959 --> 00:13:39,994 Come on, Kenny. 370 00:13:40,094 --> 00:13:41,195 Hey, I got one more. (IMITATING YOGI BEAR) 371 00:13:41,295 --> 00:13:42,763 Hey, hey, hey. 372 00:13:42,863 --> 00:13:45,066 Smarter than the average b-- (NORMAL VOICE) OK, Uncle Max. 373 00:13:48,335 --> 00:13:49,804 Two weeks. 374 00:13:49,904 --> 00:13:51,339 Good luck. 375 00:13:51,439 --> 00:13:52,907 The kid breaks me up. 376 00:14:01,348 --> 00:14:05,753 Well, I'd call the cops, but I don't know what to tell them. 377 00:14:05,853 --> 00:14:07,288 We might as well get started, you guys. 378 00:14:07,388 --> 00:14:08,355 But what are we going to write? 379 00:14:08,456 --> 00:14:09,557 Our wills. 380 00:14:25,506 --> 00:14:27,074 [quiet laughter] 381 00:14:28,576 --> 00:14:29,877 (QUIETLY) That's funny. 382 00:14:43,524 --> 00:14:46,093 [phone ringing] 383 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:54,435 Hello? 384 00:14:54,535 --> 00:14:56,103 Oh, hi, Buddy. 385 00:14:56,203 --> 00:14:57,671 No, I wasn't asleep. 386 00:14:57,772 --> 00:14:58,406 No. 387 00:14:58,506 --> 00:14:59,673 You've got an idea? 388 00:14:59,774 --> 00:15:00,608 Look. 389 00:15:00,708 --> 00:15:01,909 Let me take it in the living room. 390 00:15:02,009 --> 00:15:03,244 Laura's asleep. I don't want to wake her up. 391 00:15:03,344 --> 00:15:06,046 I'm awake. 392 00:15:06,147 --> 00:15:08,582 She's awake. 393 00:15:08,682 --> 00:15:10,317 Honey, I'm sorry. Look it. 394 00:15:10,417 --> 00:15:11,352 Buddy's got an idea. 395 00:15:11,452 --> 00:15:12,353 I'll take it in the living room. 396 00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:13,888 No, no. 397 00:15:13,988 --> 00:15:15,256 As long as I'm up, I might as well know what's going on. 398 00:15:15,356 --> 00:15:16,524 OK. 399 00:15:16,624 --> 00:15:17,425 Hello, Buddy? 400 00:15:17,525 --> 00:15:20,795 What's your idea? 401 00:15:20,895 --> 00:15:22,263 Oh, that's cute. 402 00:15:22,363 --> 00:15:24,398 What is that again? 403 00:15:24,498 --> 00:15:28,402 Secaucus, Schenectady, and Chicago. 404 00:15:28,502 --> 00:15:29,336 [laughter] 405 00:15:29,436 --> 00:15:30,638 It's very good. 406 00:15:30,738 --> 00:15:31,372 OK. 407 00:15:31,472 --> 00:15:32,573 Bye. 408 00:15:32,673 --> 00:15:34,275 Talk to you about it in the morning. 409 00:15:34,375 --> 00:15:35,676 Leaving town? 410 00:15:35,776 --> 00:15:36,677 Huh? 411 00:15:36,777 --> 00:15:37,645 Oh, no. 412 00:15:37,745 --> 00:15:39,847 Buddy's got an idea for a bit here. 413 00:15:39,947 --> 00:15:42,049 A train announcer who has an allergy. 414 00:15:42,149 --> 00:15:43,250 Yeah? 415 00:15:43,350 --> 00:15:45,986 And so when he announces the trains, he can't say the stations. He sneezes them. 417 00:15:46,086 --> 00:15:47,054 Well, like what? 418 00:15:47,154 --> 00:15:53,227 Well, like, he'd say, all aboard for-- (SNEEZING) Schenectady. 420 00:15:53,327 --> 00:15:54,161 Ugh. 421 00:15:54,261 --> 00:15:59,400 All aboard for-- Ch-- (SNEEZING) Ch-- Ch-- Chicago. 423 00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:00,568 Ugh. 424 00:16:00,668 --> 00:16:01,502 That's wonderful, Rob. 425 00:16:01,602 --> 00:16:02,636 Try Wichita. 426 00:16:02,736 --> 00:16:03,671 Oh, that's a good one. 427 00:16:03,771 --> 00:16:10,711 All aboard for W-- all aboard for W-- for-- Wich-- Wichita! 429 00:16:13,447 --> 00:16:14,949 Oh, Rob, that's wonderful. 430 00:16:15,049 --> 00:16:18,352 Darling, in fact, all the stuff you showed me tonight just sounds great. 432 00:16:18,452 --> 00:16:20,187 All these things that you've written for him are marvelous. 433 00:16:20,287 --> 00:16:21,488 He's going to be a big hit. 434 00:16:21,589 --> 00:16:24,091 We'll find out at the Diamond Club. 435 00:16:24,191 --> 00:16:25,259 Darling, get some sleep. 436 00:16:25,359 --> 00:16:26,560 Oh, I will a little later, honey. 437 00:16:26,660 --> 00:16:27,862 I've still got to go over some more ideas. 438 00:16:33,567 --> 00:16:35,402 [laughing] 439 00:16:35,502 --> 00:16:38,405 Oh, Rob, that's funny. 440 00:16:38,505 --> 00:16:39,340 What's funny? 441 00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:40,574 That's nervous. 442 00:16:49,149 --> 00:16:51,685 [chatter] 443 00:16:52,853 --> 00:16:53,554 No. 444 00:16:53,654 --> 00:16:54,755 Another drink for everyone? 445 00:16:54,855 --> 00:16:56,290 Yeah-- yeah, I'd like another one. 446 00:16:56,390 --> 00:16:57,424 I might as well, yeah. 447 00:16:57,524 --> 00:16:58,492 It might put us in a mellow mood. 448 00:16:58,592 --> 00:17:00,427 You know, more receptive. 449 00:17:00,527 --> 00:17:01,729 Same thing all around. 450 00:17:01,829 --> 00:17:04,999 And for Mrs. Calvada, a black rhinoceros. 451 00:17:05,099 --> 00:17:06,033 WAITER: Yes, sir. 452 00:17:06,133 --> 00:17:07,468 Anything else, sir? 453 00:17:07,568 --> 00:17:08,469 Start the show. 454 00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:10,938 [snapping] 455 00:17:11,038 --> 00:17:12,439 [music playing] 456 00:17:12,540 --> 00:17:15,409 ANNOUNCER: And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's showtime. 457 00:17:15,509 --> 00:17:16,777 Good luck. [nervous laughter] 458 00:17:16,877 --> 00:17:21,415 ANNOUNCER: The comedy star of our show will not appear tonight due to an unexpected illness. 460 00:17:21,515 --> 00:17:25,719 However, in his place, the Diamond Club is proud to present the fastest rising 462 00:17:25,819 --> 00:17:29,990 comic in show business, the multi-talented Kenny Dexter. 463 00:17:30,090 --> 00:17:31,659 [applause] 464 00:17:31,759 --> 00:17:33,060 [music playing] 465 00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:36,463 (SINGING OFF-KEY) I will bring you some laughter. 466 00:17:36,563 --> 00:17:39,800 It's your applause that I'm after. 467 00:17:39,900 --> 00:17:45,940 I'll sing, and I'll clown, chase away every frown until I hear you say, encore. 469 00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:52,713 Because I'm a kind of a guy who will say hi, be out all night on the floor. 471 00:17:52,813 --> 00:17:56,850 Because I love to hear you say, encore. 472 00:18:02,489 --> 00:18:03,357 Yeah. 473 00:18:03,457 --> 00:18:05,893 [applause] 474 00:18:05,993 --> 00:18:06,961 Bernard. 475 00:18:07,061 --> 00:18:08,362 Make a note. 476 00:18:08,462 --> 00:18:12,766 First thing tomorrow, I want to talk to Kenny's voice teacher. 477 00:18:12,866 --> 00:18:14,134 Thank you very much, folks. 478 00:18:14,234 --> 00:18:15,436 My name is Kenny Dexter. 479 00:18:15,536 --> 00:18:17,204 [laughter] 480 00:18:17,304 --> 00:18:18,405 He's got a great delivery. 481 00:18:18,505 --> 00:18:19,740 Wonderful. 482 00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:23,243 I'd like, at this time, ladies and gentlemen, to give you my impression of a train announcer 484 00:18:23,344 --> 00:18:26,347 who announces trains at a railroad station. 485 00:18:26,447 --> 00:18:28,248 [sneezing] 486 00:18:28,349 --> 00:18:29,183 Oh, yeah. 487 00:18:29,283 --> 00:18:30,651 I almost forgot. 488 00:18:30,751 --> 00:18:32,353 Oh, this train announcer, see? 489 00:18:32,453 --> 00:18:33,954 He has an allergy. 490 00:18:34,054 --> 00:18:38,525 And every time he sneezes, he sneezes out the train station-- the stop. 492 00:18:38,626 --> 00:18:39,493 And here's the first one. 493 00:18:39,593 --> 00:18:40,394 It's really funny. 494 00:18:40,494 --> 00:18:42,029 Watch this. 495 00:18:42,129 --> 00:18:45,099 Ah-- ah-- cha-- Schenectady! 496 00:18:45,199 --> 00:18:46,467 [nervous laughter] 497 00:18:46,567 --> 00:18:47,401 See what I mean? 498 00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:48,402 See what I mean? 499 00:18:48,502 --> 00:18:50,304 Ah-- ah-- ah-choo, Buffalo! 500 00:18:50,404 --> 00:18:52,139 See? 501 00:18:52,239 --> 00:18:55,709 Ah-- ah-- ch-- Wichita, ahchoo. 502 00:18:55,809 --> 00:18:58,245 [nervous laughter] 503 00:18:58,345 --> 00:18:59,146 What is this? 504 00:18:59,246 --> 00:19:01,515 An audience or a jury? 505 00:19:01,615 --> 00:19:02,783 [music playing] 506 00:19:02,883 --> 00:19:09,723 (SINGING) Because I'm the kind of a guy who will loosen his tie, stay out all night on the floor. 508 00:19:09,823 --> 00:19:13,427 Because I love to hear you say, encore. 509 00:19:17,464 --> 00:19:18,732 Yeah. 510 00:19:18,832 --> 00:19:20,300 [applause] 511 00:19:20,401 --> 00:19:21,201 Hey, encore! 512 00:19:21,301 --> 00:19:22,136 Wonderful. 513 00:19:22,236 --> 00:19:23,270 Wonderful. 514 00:19:23,370 --> 00:19:25,739 Well, my dear, what do you think of our nephew? 515 00:19:25,839 --> 00:19:28,108 He stinks. 516 00:19:28,208 --> 00:19:30,477 Well, we certainly have had a wonderful evening, Mr. Calvada. 517 00:19:30,577 --> 00:19:32,746 We hate to eat and run, but we've got to be going home. 518 00:19:32,846 --> 00:19:34,348 Just a moment. Just a moment. 519 00:19:34,448 --> 00:19:35,783 Sit down. 520 00:19:35,883 --> 00:19:40,387 Uh, Mrs. Petrie, I've taken the liberty of arranging for your transportation home, because these folks 522 00:19:40,487 --> 00:19:44,024 have to stay on with me for a little business discussion. 523 00:19:44,124 --> 00:19:45,392 Well, here-- here tonight? 524 00:19:45,492 --> 00:19:50,531 Right now while the memory of Kenneth's debut is still fresh in our mind. 526 00:19:50,631 --> 00:19:52,766 It'll stay fresh in our mind. 527 00:19:52,866 --> 00:19:53,667 Forever. 528 00:19:53,767 --> 00:19:55,235 I want it now. 529 00:19:55,335 --> 00:20:03,577 Because as Macbeth said, if it were done, when 'tis done, 'twere better that it were done quickly. 531 00:20:03,677 --> 00:20:06,313 Lloyd, do you mind letting us use your office for a minute? 532 00:20:06,413 --> 00:20:07,314 Sure, Max, sure. 533 00:20:07,414 --> 00:20:08,816 Nice meeting you folks. 534 00:20:18,058 --> 00:20:23,097 All right, Bernard, head this one "Rogers, Petrie, Sorrell, final meeting." 536 00:20:23,197 --> 00:20:24,998 Final meeting? 537 00:20:25,099 --> 00:20:29,236 Could we have lunch once in a while? 538 00:20:29,336 --> 00:20:30,304 Go ahead. 539 00:20:37,211 --> 00:20:38,145 Sit. 540 00:20:42,850 --> 00:20:49,790 I guess we are all agreed that Kenneth's debut here tonight was something less than a smash, eh? 542 00:20:49,890 --> 00:20:50,691 What do you say, Robert? 543 00:20:50,791 --> 00:20:51,625 Oh. 544 00:20:51,725 --> 00:20:53,026 Well. 545 00:20:53,127 --> 00:20:55,195 I was-- there-- it was a little hard for us to say. 546 00:20:55,295 --> 00:20:58,232 You know, we've been awfully close to working with, uh, Kenny all the time. 548 00:20:58,332 --> 00:21:01,802 I think there's much can be said, of course, uh, about Kenny. 550 00:21:01,902 --> 00:21:03,504 That he, uh-- he looked good. 551 00:21:03,604 --> 00:21:04,538 Don't you think he looked good? 552 00:21:04,638 --> 00:21:06,740 Oh, he looked great. 553 00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:07,674 White's your color, kid. 554 00:21:07,774 --> 00:21:09,143 Yeah. 555 00:21:09,243 --> 00:21:11,145 I think we're all agreed that Kenneth looked good. 556 00:21:11,245 --> 00:21:11,979 Thank you. 557 00:21:12,079 --> 00:21:13,781 You know, in that one thing-- Shut up. 558 00:21:13,881 --> 00:21:22,089 Now, uh, about the act-- Oh, well, I, uh-- I think he's-- I thought that the, uh, lighting was-- 561 00:21:22,189 --> 00:21:24,024 was, uh, brilliant-- brilliant. 562 00:21:24,124 --> 00:21:25,826 And I really would like to compliment the orchestra. 563 00:21:25,926 --> 00:21:27,194 Oh, weren't they marvelous? 564 00:21:27,294 --> 00:21:29,363 The trumpet player was just-- Never missed a beat. 566 00:21:29,463 --> 00:21:30,297 Yeah. 567 00:21:30,397 --> 00:21:32,166 About his performance. 568 00:21:32,266 --> 00:21:39,573 Well, uh-- I-- his performance, I think it-- it was sort of, uh-- uh, rotten. 570 00:21:39,673 --> 00:21:40,741 Sort of what? 571 00:21:40,841 --> 00:21:41,942 Rotten. 572 00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:47,381 Rotten, eh? 573 00:21:47,481 --> 00:21:48,749 Why? 574 00:21:48,849 --> 00:21:50,217 Well, I-- it might have been opening night jitters even. 575 00:21:50,317 --> 00:21:51,885 Or maybe that's not his room in there. 576 00:21:51,985 --> 00:21:55,923 You-- I-- And maybe the material was bad? 577 00:21:56,023 --> 00:21:57,191 We could rewrite the material. 578 00:21:57,291 --> 00:21:57,891 No. 579 00:21:57,991 --> 00:21:59,493 Hold it a minute. 580 00:21:59,593 --> 00:22:02,696 Mr. Calvada, there-- there was nothing wrong with the material we wrote for Kenny. 582 00:22:02,796 --> 00:22:03,931 Oh, is that so? 583 00:22:04,031 --> 00:22:05,299 Yeah, that's right. 584 00:22:05,399 --> 00:22:06,366 That's right. 585 00:22:06,466 --> 00:22:08,135 I think you might as well know the truth. 586 00:22:08,235 --> 00:22:10,270 There was something lacking in the way Kenny performed it. 587 00:22:10,370 --> 00:22:11,305 What's that? 588 00:22:11,405 --> 00:22:14,174 Well, talent. 589 00:22:14,274 --> 00:22:16,243 I don't think that Kenny has much. 590 00:22:16,343 --> 00:22:18,011 Or at least he didn't have enough. 591 00:22:18,111 --> 00:22:19,213 I-- I'm sorry, Kenny. 592 00:22:19,313 --> 00:22:20,781 And I'm sorry, Mr. Calvada. 593 00:22:20,881 --> 00:22:25,052 But I think somebody should have told him a long time ago and saved a lot of time and effort. 595 00:22:25,152 --> 00:22:26,186 Oh, that's what you think? 596 00:22:26,286 --> 00:22:27,321 Yeah, that's what I think. 597 00:22:27,421 --> 00:22:28,855 And, uh, well, they agree with me. 598 00:22:28,956 --> 00:22:33,827 Don't you, you guys? - I-- I don't Well, you see, Rob-- Well, they agree with me. 601 00:22:33,927 --> 00:22:37,998 And the-- well, the whole audience in there-- they-- and my wife-- your wife. 603 00:22:38,098 --> 00:22:39,633 Yeah, your wife said he stinks. 604 00:22:39,733 --> 00:22:40,534 Stinks, yeah. 605 00:22:40,634 --> 00:22:41,468 I agree. 606 00:22:41,568 --> 00:22:42,836 He stinks. 607 00:22:42,936 --> 00:22:45,439 I-- Kenny, I-- it's nothing personal with you. 608 00:22:45,539 --> 00:22:47,107 I mean, it's just-- that's just the way it is. 609 00:22:47,207 --> 00:22:48,775 - I think you've said enough. - I have. 610 00:22:48,875 --> 00:22:50,043 I have. 611 00:22:50,143 --> 00:22:53,247 Yeah, I hope you take this in the spirit in which it was, uh, given. 613 00:22:53,347 --> 00:22:54,348 Do you? 614 00:22:54,448 --> 00:22:56,049 I-- I don't want to destroy anybody here. 615 00:22:56,149 --> 00:22:58,652 And I fervently hope you feel the same way. 616 00:23:02,823 --> 00:23:03,957 All right, Robert. 617 00:23:04,057 --> 00:23:04,958 I'm going to give it to you straight. 618 00:23:05,058 --> 00:23:06,193 Straight? 619 00:23:06,293 --> 00:23:07,127 Yeah. 620 00:23:07,227 --> 00:23:09,296 I agree with every word you said. 621 00:23:09,396 --> 00:23:10,964 You do? 622 00:23:11,064 --> 00:23:14,368 Well, then why are you trying to get him in-- in show business? 624 00:23:14,468 --> 00:23:17,738 I'm trying to get him out of show business and into college. 625 00:23:17,838 --> 00:23:19,373 Tell them what our deal is, Kenneth. 626 00:23:22,442 --> 00:23:26,980 Well, I always said I'd be great if I had the right chance, you know, with good writers, 628 00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:31,018 a big nightclub-- And a $300 white suit. 629 00:23:31,118 --> 00:23:35,822 Well, my parents and Uncle Max-- they wanted me to go on to college and study accounting, see? 632 00:23:35,922 --> 00:23:37,257 So we made this deal. 633 00:23:37,357 --> 00:23:41,161 If I didn't make it tonight, then I forget about show business for a while. 635 00:23:41,261 --> 00:23:44,998 Well, now I think I ought to have something else to fall back on just in case. 637 00:23:45,098 --> 00:23:46,566 I don't know. 638 00:23:46,667 --> 00:23:49,770 The kid still breaks me up. 639 00:23:49,870 --> 00:23:52,639 You know, maybe tonight wasn't a fair test, Uncle Max. 640 00:23:52,739 --> 00:23:53,774 I was nervous out there. 641 00:23:53,874 --> 00:23:54,741 Oh? 642 00:23:54,841 --> 00:23:55,776 Well, are you nervous now? 643 00:23:55,876 --> 00:23:56,677 No. 644 00:23:56,777 --> 00:23:57,711 Well, go ahead. 645 00:23:57,811 --> 00:23:58,645 Give it to us again. 646 00:23:58,745 --> 00:23:59,546 Give us that big finish. 647 00:23:59,646 --> 00:24:00,981 Let's hear it. 648 00:24:01,081 --> 00:24:02,316 You mean, from when the band starts coming back in? 649 00:24:02,416 --> 00:24:03,650 Yeah. 650 00:24:03,750 --> 00:24:08,288 (SINGING OFF KEY) Da, da. 'Cause I love to hear you say, encore. 652 00:24:11,358 --> 00:24:12,993 Take off the white suit. 653 00:24:21,568 --> 00:24:24,438 I'd offer you a drink, but I know you don't want to stay any later. 655 00:24:24,538 --> 00:24:25,806 Your wives must be waiting for you. 656 00:24:25,906 --> 00:24:27,074 - Yeah. - That's right. 657 00:24:27,174 --> 00:24:28,275 We'd better go, you guys. 658 00:24:28,375 --> 00:24:30,243 Yeah, I got a cat that worries, too. 659 00:24:30,344 --> 00:24:31,078 Yeah. 660 00:24:31,178 --> 00:24:32,679 So, uh, uh, Bernard. 661 00:24:41,655 --> 00:24:45,392 [music playing] 41771

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