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[theme music] NARRATOR: "The Dick Van Dyke
Show," starring Dick Van Dyke, Rosemary.
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Morey Amsterdam, Larry Matthew, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Morning, Mom. Morning, Dad. Morning, sweetie.
Did Uncle George come? Yeah, he's here.
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He came right after you fell asleep.
You mean he's here?
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Oh, boy, I'm going to go see my uncle.
Whoa. Whoa.
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- Keep your voice down.
- You'll wake him up. Did he see me?
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Yeah, we opened your door, we let him take a peek
at you? Did he like me? He liked you a lot. Good.
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Can I take a look at him?
Well, Richie, dear, he's asleep.
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Well, he took a look at me when I was asleep.
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I want to see if I like him. You're going to
like him a lot. All kids love Uncle George.
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Boy, I can remember when I was a little boy your age.
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We used to go see him and Aunt Sarah all the time.
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[rooster crowing sounds] Hi, Everybody. Rise and
shine. Coffee's perking and I'm here to get mine.
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Richie boy. Hi, Uncle George.
Look at your.
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Well, I guess we don't have to
ask you if you slept well, do we?
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Oh, I always like to sing out loud and clear in the mornings.
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Well, let's have a look at the little
tadpole now that he's got his eyes open.
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He's a Petrie, all right. Here, hey,
that look like a rabbit? No. Smart boy.
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Uncle George, what's for breakfast? French
toast, bacon and eggs, cereal, pancakes? Fine.
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Let's start it all out with a little
orange juice. All that and orange juice?
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Nothings beats breakfast. Big breakfast.
Well, one big breakfast coming up.
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Bad choice of words, honey.
Oh, yeah.
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Well, I suppose you're all wondering
why I decided to make this trip.
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Well, as you told us last night, you came to
see your favorite nephew and his lovely wife.
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That and too, but there's something more
important. What's that, Uncle George?
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I have finally decided to take a woman.
A woman?
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Yeah, and, Robbie Boy,
you are going to have to do it for me. Me?
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You're going to have to find your old
Uncle George a marriageable woman.
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I finally decided it's time I got
married again and settled down.
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Well, Uncle George,
aren't there any nice ladies in Danville?
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Well, there's old lady Ziggler.
Old Mrs. Ziggler?
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You remember her, and she's eager, but I kind of
like to take a shot at something more exciting.
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Well, what makes you think Rob can help
you? He's in the show business, ain't he?
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I'll bet you know a million women.
Well, I know a few.
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Well, wrap one up to go and bring her home tonight.
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Uncle George, I can't just run out and grab a woman.
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Now, listen, Robbie, when you were a little
boy, did I ever deny you anything? Well, no.
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Ice cream, lollipops, anything you ever
wanted. Yeah. Yeah. Well, bring me a woman.
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Well, sure, I'll try, Uncle George.
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Oh, darling, on the way home from work, will
you pick up a loaf of rye bread? Yeah, honey.
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Oh, and while you're at it, would you
bring a bottle of that good red wine?
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Might use it for the engagement party. OK, a
loaf of bread, and a jug of wine, and a vow.
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Hello, Rob. Hey. What are you so happy about? Say
hello to the cheerleader for the next depression.
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Take it easy, you guys.
I have troubles at home.
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Well, welcome to the club.
Come on, Rob, what's the matter?
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Well, I'm going to answer that
question by asking you a question.
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Where is the best place to get a hold of an elderly lady?
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Well, there the fireman's carry, or you
grab her by the ankles. I am serious.
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My uncle George is in town from Danville
and he's going to look for a new wife.
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He wants me to go and find him a single girl. Well,
you're looking at the king of the single girls.
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He needs a girl who's single and mature. Aw, thanks,
Rob. Mature. Hey, how about my mother-in-law?
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She's so mature she can hardly stand up.
Your mother-in-law is married.
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Yeah, but I'm sure my father-in-law
would gladly step aside.
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Hey, Buddy, didn't your mother-in-law
have a twin sister? I hope not!
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Maybe that was a cousin I had. Hey, Sal?
What about your aunt Agnes?
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Oh, no, you know what and Agnes says about
men. ROB: No. Man is like the drifting snow.
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It comes down in small flurries and piles up against the door,
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and before long you can't get out of the house.
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I guess that would let your aunt Agnes out. Boy,
where am I going to find a single old lady?
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Hey, how about putting pearls on that?
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[clicking] Oh, still using your clicker,
Mel? Oh, yes. My therapist was right.
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By clicking this clicker I release all
my hostilities and tensions. [clicking]
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Sounds like you're shaking your head.
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[clicking] Rob,
what's this about a little old lady?
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Oh, Mel, my uncle George is in town looking for a new wife.
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You don't happen to know any
eligible women, do you? No.
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Well, the only eligible older
person I know is my mother-in-law.
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Hey, that's Alan Brady's mother.
Grab her, Rob.
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Your boss's mother will be your aunt, Alan will be your cousin,
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and Mel will be your-- yuck, forget it.
[clicking]
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If Alan doesn't have that script by 4 o'clock,
he's going to start tearing his hair out.
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Kind of makes you sad, doesn't it? [clicking]
[inaudible] Mel, we'll get it out by 4 o'clock.
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Hey, Rob. I got it. I got it. Yes, something
for the show? No, something for Uncle George.
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Mrs. Glimcher. Herman Glimcher's mother.
BUDDY: Herman Glimcher.
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That's the boyfriend that's got to be in by 12:00
or the old lady sends a militia out for him.
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Sal, you don't think you could get Mrs.
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Glimcher over to our house tonight
to meet uncle George, do you?
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Well, I hate to do it uncle George, but listen,
you invite Herman and me to dinner tonight,
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and she'll be there.
How can you be so sure she'll be there?
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How can I be so sure?
Listen, Herman was in the army.
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She joined the WAX just to be close to him,
didn't she? She goes everywhere with him.
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Oh, she sounds like a great one.
But bring her.
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At least I won't have to go home empty handed tonight.
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I'll call Laura and tell her we're having company
for dinner. Hey, Rob. What's uncle George like?
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Oh, he's a big, strapping guy, white hair. Do
you think Mrs. Glimcher would like a mustache?
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No, I don't think so.
She keeps shaving hers off.
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All right, Robby boy, where is the girl. Like the
song says, I ain't got time for the waiting game.
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They'll be here any minute, Uncle George.
What's she like, Robby boy? Tantalizing?
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Well, I'd say that she was a handsome woman.
Handsome? Not like John Wayne, I hope.
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Smell that turkey.
Lord, it smells divine. Thank you.
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Are we going to have one of them a fancy desserts?
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Well, we're having this marvelous ice cream
cake that I ordered at the Danish bakery.
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If they're still open, because I forgot to pick it up.
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Oh, Rob, could you go? Yeah, honey, I'll get
it. Hold it, Rob, hold it, hold it. I'll go.
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Oh, uncle George, that's awfully nice. No, it's
nothing at all. Nothing at all. Give me the keys.
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It's just two stoplights down
the street on the corner. Right.
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Uncle George, I think since you're
the guest of honor-- No, no.
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See, this way it'll give me a
chance to make a grand entrance.
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And while I'm gone, you can tell her how
handsome I am. Charming. And passionate. Rrow.
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That's-- that's my uncle. I told you he was cute,
didn't I? But you didn't tell me he was a nut.
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[doorbell] Oh boy. Hold your horses.
Oh, oh, oh, just let me sit down somewhere.
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Give me a glass of water. Where are my pills?
Where's my boy? - Right here, Mother.
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I'm right here. Just take it easy.
You're going to be all right.
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Oh, Rob, would you have some water?
Yeah. My goodness, what happened?
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Well, nothing, nothing, she's fine. She's just a
little carsick. Oh, my pills, Herman, my pills.
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No, no, no, blue ones, the blue ones. Do you
want the red one too? Give me a red one too.
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The water, the water, the water, the water.
Oh. Oh, that traffic, that awful traffic.
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Oh, it wasn't that bad. You wouldn't know.
You were sitting in the back seat.
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She always likes to sit up front with Herman when
he drives. She says it gives him confidence.
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Are you better now, Mother? When it gets
down, dear. Oh, you're so considerate.
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Come and sit here with your pal.
Yes, Mother.
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Honey, would you sit over here?
Oh, sure. Yes, sit over here, dear.
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There. Cozy, Peggy dear?
The name is Sally. Oh. Oh, yes.
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Just the way we sit when we go to the movies.
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Oh, thank you, thank you. I do feel better,
and I'm so sorry I was so much trouble.
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Oh no, not at all. I'm glad you could come.
Isn't this cozy? Just us five young people.
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I consider myself young, you know.
I feel so young.
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Sometimes I think she's even younger than Herman.
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Oh, how sweet.
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You know, Herman knows how I feel
when I'm around older people.
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They make me so nervous. Oh?
- Say Sal? - Yeah?
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Would you mind coming in the kitchen and
helping Laura and me carry some things in?
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Oh, yeah. I think we could use Herman,
don't you, Rob? Herman, come on. All right.
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No, no, no, no, no, baby, I'd better go. I
don't like for Herman to lift anything heavy.
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Mrs. Glimcher, we'll give him an easy thing.
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I'll tell you what, you better sit there, because you just
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had a red pill. Oh, you're so thoughtful.
Be careful, Herman dear. All right, Mother.
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What are you serving, Mrs. Petrie?
I hope it's something I can eat. Ha-ha.
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Are we all here? No. No, Mother is still
out there. That's why we're here. Oh.
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Do you mean we're having secrets from
Mother? You didn't tell him, did you?
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Well, I thought it'd be best if it just came out
naturally. I thought if she knew she wouldn't come.
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Tell her what? What is it?
Herman, I want to give you this straight.
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We brought your mother here to
introduce her to a man. A man? Who?
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Well, it's Rob's Uncle George,
he's visiting here from Danville, and he
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wanted to meet some nice lady. We couldn't
find any, so we invited your mother.
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Well, that's very nice of you, but Rob's
uncle and my mother? I don't know. Why not?
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She's still young and attractive.
Oh, I know.
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But she's always said she'd never get married until
I died. Herman, we have got to tell your mother.
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Please, please, keep your voices down.
Are we shouting?
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No, but Mother's got marvelous ears.
She hears everything.
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I think she's got transistors in her teeth.
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Well, all right. I'll tell her. - OK. - Wait a
minute. Wait a minute. Everybody grab something.
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That's what we came in here for.
Not that, Herman!
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Uh, Mother? Well, where's this
man you brought me here to meet?
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You-- you heard? Of course. Boy, what ears.
What's he like? Well, he's kind of tall.
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He got nice white hair. Have no fear,
the fancy dessert man is here. My goodness.
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Uncle George, I'd like you to meet all these people.
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This is Herman Glimcher, and this is Mrs. Glimcher.
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And that's Sally Rogers.
Hello little golden dove.
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00:13:23,177 --> 00:13:25,446
Hello big silver bird.
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Robby, boy, you've made your uncle
the happiest man in the world.
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Rob?
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Oh, boy, is she a far cry from old lady Zinkler.
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Robbie, my boy, thanks to you this big silver
bird is in orbit once more. Whoa, whoa, silver.
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You made kind of a little mistake in there.
Sally is not for you.
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00:14:09,190 --> 00:14:13,594
Well, don't you think I'm the best judge
of that? No, I don't-- I don't mean that.
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00:14:13,694 --> 00:14:17,565
Look, George, before you get
yourself all involved-- Involved?
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00:14:17,665 --> 00:14:24,238
Boy, the minute we locked eyeballs,
I knew that girl was for me.
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00:14:24,338 --> 00:14:29,844
You don't understand, Uncle George.
Sally is Herman Glimcher's girlfriend.
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00:14:29,944 --> 00:14:36,650
Oh, no, Robby. That shocks me. Of course I can't
blame him for looking around a little bit.
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That wife of his is old enough to
be his mother. She is his mother.
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00:14:43,991 --> 00:14:54,535
Robbie, Robbie, do you mean to tell
me that you brought that old-- Shh!
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00:14:54,635 --> 00:15:02,576
That old [inaudible] for me? I'm afraid that's
it, Uncle George. I'm sorry. Robbie, boy. Oh.
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00:15:06,347 --> 00:15:11,185
Hold it, not lost, not lost. No siree.
They're both single women, aren't they?
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00:15:11,285 --> 00:15:17,558
They're both up for grabs. Well, I choose
the young dove instead of the old cow.
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00:15:17,658 --> 00:15:23,964
Rob, excuse me. Yeah, Herman? Mothers out in
the car, and she wants me to take her home.
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00:15:24,064 --> 00:15:27,735
I'm afraid this whole evening's been too
much for. Oh, Herman, I'm awful sorry.
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00:15:27,835 --> 00:15:32,506
Well, I'm sorry to ruin your dinner party, but
I'm afraid I'd better take Sally home, too.
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00:15:32,606 --> 00:15:38,679
Now just a minute, young man. Don't you
touch that girl! I'll take her home. Rob?
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00:15:38,779 --> 00:15:41,315
Herman, look, don't worry about it.
We'll see that she gets home.
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No use making Sal leave right now.
Oh, well, I suppose you're right.
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00:15:44,752 --> 00:15:48,789
Well, you run along now, sonny.
Take care of your mama. Yes, yes, I will.
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00:15:48,889 --> 00:15:51,258
Well, nice to meet you Uncle George.
By, Rob.
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Well, now that we got those to cut out of the
herd, everything's going along nicely, Robbie.
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00:16:02,036 --> 00:16:06,941
Well, young lady. Looks like I'm going
to have the pleasure of driving you home.
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00:16:07,041 --> 00:16:14,114
Uncle George is taking Sally home? Yeah,
Uncle George is taking Sally home? Sure am.
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00:16:14,215 --> 00:16:16,317
We'll all take Sally home, how about that, honey.
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Well, I can't go, Rob, we don't have a
babysitter for Rich. We'll bring him along.
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00:16:22,890 --> 00:16:27,094
You and I, we'll take Sally home.
How about that? I'll get your purse.
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00:16:27,194 --> 00:16:30,764
But Robbie boy, we don't need a chaperone, now do we.
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00:16:30,865 --> 00:16:34,969
I tell you what, it's not that, exactly, Uncle
George. Is just it's a long way. You might get lost.
269
00:16:35,069 --> 00:16:39,039
All right, in that case, you drive,
Sally and I will sit in the back.
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00:16:39,139 --> 00:16:44,645
You know what they used to call me in
my younger days? No, what? The octopus.
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00:16:47,014 --> 00:16:50,751
You know it used to call me?
What? The harpoon.
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00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:57,858
Sharp girl, I love it. Sharp girl. Come
on, Sally. - Rob, you coming? - Yeah.
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00:16:57,958 --> 00:17:00,160
I'm coming.
Wait a minute, everybody.
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00:17:00,261 --> 00:17:05,466
Before you go, will somebody please carve
the turkey for me so I could have dinner?
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00:17:05,566 --> 00:17:10,170
Or perhaps you'd all like to join me.
We didn't eat dinner.
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00:17:10,271 --> 00:17:17,278
Let's have some dinner, Sally. We'll all have
dinner. Sally, you can sit here, Uncle George.
280
00:17:17,378 --> 00:17:22,149
You wouldn't separate the love birds, would you, now?
281
00:17:22,249 --> 00:17:27,321
Oh, we can always go out the backyard,
sit on a branch. Oh, smart girl. I love it.
283
00:17:30,357 --> 00:17:36,030
(SINGING) Buffalo girls won't you come out
tonight, come out tonight, come out tonight.
284
00:17:36,130 --> 00:17:38,966
Robbie, how about a little snack before we go to bed?
285
00:17:39,066 --> 00:17:42,503
Well, it's 3 o'clock, Uncle George.
I have to go to bed.
286
00:17:42,603 --> 00:17:44,738
Turkey sandwich, a glass of milk go good right about now.
287
00:17:44,838 --> 00:17:48,542
I tell you what you do. You go ahead and
help yourself, OK? All right. Oh, Robbie.
289
00:17:48,642 --> 00:17:53,781
I want to thank you for a wonderful night.
I had more fun than I've had in ages.
291
00:17:53,881 --> 00:17:57,885
That Sally, she's a wonderful girl. The
most wonderful girl I ever met in my life.
293
00:17:57,985 --> 00:18:01,055
Did you hear what she told me?
Did you hear that? No I didn't hear that.
295
00:18:01,155 --> 00:18:07,795
She said she just never met a man that was in
better shape and younger in mind than I was.
296
00:18:07,895 --> 00:18:13,267
You heard that, didn't you?
I heard that. You better go to bed.
298
00:18:13,367 --> 00:18:17,237
I'm going to build myself a sandwich, take
it to my room, and do a lot of planning.
299
00:18:17,338 --> 00:18:20,674
(SINGING) Buffalo girls, won't you
come out tonight, come out tonight.
300
00:18:37,925 --> 00:18:44,131
Rob, do you realize it's after 3:00 in the
morning? Where have you been? Roseland.
302
00:18:47,067 --> 00:18:50,404
Roseland? What on Earth were
you doing in a dance hall?
303
00:18:50,504 --> 00:18:57,277
Sitting. They were dancing
for three solid hours. Oh, my.
304
00:18:57,378 --> 00:19:02,716
Well, how are things between Sally and Uncle
George? Oh, just fine. I think they're engaged.
306
00:19:02,816 --> 00:19:06,453
You mean you didn't tell him?
Honey, you can't tell him anything.
308
00:19:06,553 --> 00:19:10,391
It's impossible. It's impossible.
He only hears what he wants to hear.
310
00:19:10,491 --> 00:19:16,263
Couldn't Sally? Oh, she tried. She told him,
he was childish. He took that as a compliment.
312
00:19:16,363 --> 00:19:22,403
She said he was in such great shape for a man
of his age, but he didn't hear the last part.
313
00:19:22,503 --> 00:19:26,974
LAURA: Well, Rob, you're going to have to tell
him. You can't let him go on fooling himself.
315
00:19:27,074 --> 00:19:33,514
Honey. how can I tell him? How do you tell your
favorite uncle that he's making a fool of himself?
317
00:19:33,614 --> 00:19:36,216
LAURA: You're a writer.
Invent something.
318
00:19:36,316 --> 00:19:39,286
ROB: If he could have seen that
crowd in Roseland laughing at him.
319
00:19:39,386 --> 00:19:44,625
If he could have seen Sally looking at me for help.
320
00:19:44,725 --> 00:19:50,631
How do you tell a guy who thinks he's sweeping a
girl off her feet that she thinks he's pathetic?
321
00:19:50,731 --> 00:19:55,369
LAURA: The whole thing is so sad.
ROB: I love that old guy, honey.
323
00:19:55,469 --> 00:20:00,841
I can't puncture this beautiful
little dream he's having about Sally.
324
00:20:00,941 --> 00:20:03,143
And she deserves a medal for the way she put up with him.
325
00:20:03,243 --> 00:20:07,014
LAURA: Rob, you know the longer you let him go
on fooling himself, the harder it's going to be
326
00:20:07,114 --> 00:20:10,384
for him when he finds out.
Would you rather have Sally tell him?
328
00:20:10,484 --> 00:20:12,286
ROB: Oh, honey, it wouldn't be fair to Sally.
329
00:20:15,422 --> 00:20:21,462
Rob. Hm? The door is open. Oh, do you
suppose he heard us? LAURA: I don't know.
331
00:20:24,098 --> 00:20:26,834
Whew, no, he's still in the kitchen.
LAURA: Thank goodness.
332
00:20:26,934 --> 00:20:30,637
Well, come to bed, darling, but don't go
to sleep until you've thought of a way
333
00:20:30,737 --> 00:20:32,940
to tell Uncle George that he's acting silly.
334
00:20:35,142 --> 00:20:37,911
Boy, I wish I was one of those Danish doctors.
335
00:20:38,011 --> 00:20:41,415
How would that help?
It wouldn't, except I'd be in Denmark.
336
00:20:47,621 --> 00:20:50,224
[knocking]
337
00:20:53,227 --> 00:20:55,229
Yeah, yeah. Coming.
338
00:20:57,564 --> 00:21:01,602
GEORGE: You asleep, Robbie? ROB: Oh, hi Uncle
George, no, not quite. Almost, not quite.
340
00:21:01,702 --> 00:21:04,505
GEORGE: Can I talk to you for a minute.
ROB: Just a minute. Just a minute.
342
00:21:04,605 --> 00:21:06,473
It's Uncle George.
I don't know what to tell him.
343
00:21:06,573 --> 00:21:11,645
Tell him to come in.
Maybe I'll think of something.
344
00:21:11,745 --> 00:21:15,983
Come in, Uncle George. If you're sure I'm not
bothering you. No, that's all right. Hi Laura.
346
00:21:16,083 --> 00:21:20,154
LAURA: Hi Uncle George.
I couldn't sleep.
347
00:21:20,254 --> 00:21:24,792
Sit down, sit down, sit down, I got something to
tell you. And by golly, I'm going to tell you.
349
00:21:24,892 --> 00:21:26,293
Well, go ahead and say it.
350
00:21:26,393 --> 00:21:34,935
Well, I don't know how I'm going to say this,
but nephew, I can't go through with it.
351
00:21:35,035 --> 00:21:39,306
Can't go through with what?
The thing with Sally, all right?
352
00:21:39,406 --> 00:21:44,511
I was just having fun.
You mean you weren't serious?
353
00:21:44,611 --> 00:21:50,984
You know, I really should be ashamed of myself
for the way that I led her on, built her up.
354
00:21:51,084 --> 00:21:57,257
You know that girl thinks she's more mature
than she is? But she's acting foolish.
356
00:21:57,357 --> 00:22:01,328
And it's-- it's stupid to act foolish.
357
00:22:04,298 --> 00:22:08,202
But, when did you decide that,
Uncle George? GEORGE: Oh, sometime tonight.
359
00:22:08,302 --> 00:22:13,674
Why, she had me dancing up there that Roseland
Ballroom till my heart was a fuming and sputtering
360
00:22:13,774 --> 00:22:21,348
like an old truck on a cold morning. You know,
I should have told her right then and there.
362
00:22:21,448 --> 00:22:28,889
But, well, I-- I didn't want to puncture that
beautiful dream she was having about me.
363
00:22:28,989 --> 00:22:35,028
Now, I'm going to have to call her
in the morning and tell her I'm--
364
00:22:37,531 --> 00:22:42,936
Well, I can talk to her if you'd like for me to,
Uncle George. Robbie, would you do that for me?
366
00:22:43,036 --> 00:22:48,475
I hate hurting women's feelings. I think she'll
understand. Well, you know how they get sometimes.
368
00:22:48,575 --> 00:22:52,679
They start yelling and throwing
things, and I don't need any of that.
369
00:22:52,779 --> 00:22:58,418
Yeah, who needs it. Who needs any of that.
See know, you two better get to bed.
371
00:22:58,518 --> 00:23:06,093
You can-- hey, what time would you say it was
in Danville? Oh, a little after 3:00 I guess.
373
00:23:06,193 --> 00:23:07,594
You know what I'm going to do?
374
00:23:07,694 --> 00:23:14,134
I'm going to give old lady Zinkler a ring
on the phone and brighten up her night.
375
00:23:14,234 --> 00:23:19,940
Good night, you two. Good night, Uncle George.
Well it looks like we were worried for nothing.
377
00:23:20,040 --> 00:23:24,211
He seems to have straightened himself out.
Yeah, I hope so.
378
00:23:24,311 --> 00:23:28,982
You don't suppose he heard us, do you?
I don't know.
379
00:23:29,082 --> 00:23:33,186
GEORGE: Of course I heard you!
Thank you! Now get to bed!
380
00:23:35,789 --> 00:23:41,628
Operator? I want to Kitty
Zinkler in Danville, Illinois.
381
00:23:41,728 --> 00:23:46,199
Never mind how you spell it, just give
the line going south of town three rings.
382
00:23:53,473 --> 00:24:00,614
Robbie? Robbie, boy? You got the tickets? Got
everything, Uncle George. Oh good, good.
384
00:24:00,714 --> 00:24:05,552
Now when you talk to Sally, you be real sweet
towards her, because she's a sweet woman.
385
00:24:05,652 --> 00:24:09,589
Too sweet for me. I need somebody
leathery, like old lady Zinkler.
387
00:24:09,690 --> 00:24:15,429
Is old lady Zinkler going to be my aunt? Going
to be your aunt? Well, it looks like it, sonny.
389
00:24:15,529 --> 00:24:18,498
Leastwise she got laryngitis saying yes over the phone.
390
00:24:18,598 --> 00:24:23,136
Looks like I'm not going to be able to get out
of it. You'll let us know, won't you? Oh, sure.
392
00:24:23,236 --> 00:24:30,577
You better get going. Well. George, it was
wonderful. Come back soon. Here, let me get those.
395
00:24:30,677 --> 00:24:35,115
If I'm going to carry old lady Zinkler across the
threshold, I'm going to have to get in shape.
396
00:24:35,215 --> 00:24:37,317
She's built like a Sherman tank.
397
00:24:48,495 --> 00:24:52,599
[MUSIC - END THEME, "THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW"]
30072
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