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[theme music]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey
Amsterdam, Larry Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Rob, you said you'd be home early.
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Honey, and I meant it sincerely when I said it.
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But when I said it, I didn't know we were going
to have so much trouble with this last sketch.
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Rob, my aunt and uncle have been to our home four times.
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And you've managed to be missing three of those times.
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Honey, once, I was in the army.
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The other three times I had a valid reason.
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Rob, why don't you just admit it?
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You don't like my aunt and uncle.
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Say, there's another valid reason.
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What time will you be home?
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Honey, how do I know?
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Look, when I am finished with work, I will jump in my car.
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And I'll fly home.
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That's what I like to see.
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Another guy fighting with his wife.
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Look, honey.
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If you don't let me go back to
work, I may never get home at all.
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What time, Rob? 8:30?
9:00. Come on.
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Give me a hint.
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We're having roast beef, and I have to time it.
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Oh, honey, look.
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I got enough trouble down here.
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Why don't you cook something you don't have to time?
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Frankfurters, melted cheese sandwiches, anything.
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You wouldn't be suggesting frankfurters
if it were your aunt and uncle.
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Honey, I'll make a deal with you.
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Next week, we'll invite all my
close relatives over to the house.
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And we'll crack open a carton of cottage cheese, OK?
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I don't think you're at all funny, Rob.
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That's exactly right.
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That's why we're having so much trouble with this last sketch.
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Now, honey, I-- Laura, I'm busy.
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Laura, I will be home when you see me and not before.
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Whew.
Boy, do I feel married today.
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Come on.
Let's get back to the jokes.
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Boy, after a conversation like that, we'll
probably come up with something as funny
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as "Death of a Salesman."
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Oh, as a matter of fact, I've found the
greatest creations come right out of torment.
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Oh. You want torment? OK.
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Let's go to work, huh? ROB: OK.
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Let's do the sketch again.
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Only this time, Buddy, why don't you play the other fellow, OK?
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All right.
Your voice was too low.
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Hey, maybe I could do it with an English accent.
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Hey, try that. That's good.
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An English accent. Do that, OK?
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All right, good. Here. Here.
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You're the guy with the fiddle company,
and I'm the charming young Englishman.
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Right? - All right.
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(EASTERN EUROPEAN ACCENT) Uh, I beg your pardon, sir.
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But do you happen to have a violin made by
Stradivarius, an original violin-- Hey, buddy.
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[whistles] That's Hungarian.
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Hey, how do you like that?
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I didn't know I could do Hungarian.
Ooh.
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Come in again.
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You'll be the charming young Hungarian now.
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All right. (HUNGARIAN ACCENT) I beg your pardon,
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sir, but do you have an authentic
Stradivarius violin for sale?
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Are you in luck!
We've got one left.
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They've been going like hotcakes.
Good.
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Here we are, the last one.
How much?
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ROB: Uh, $50,000 today only.
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Well, sounds like a fair price, but how do I
know that it is original without the signature?
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I'll show you. Look inside here.
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See inside there?
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Only Antonio Stradivari has signed his name
in that peculiar way with the little rat
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tail on the end?
See the little rat tail?
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I do not even see the rat.
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Here, here. Look.
Look again there.
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Look. See it?
I don't see nothing.
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Nothing.
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And I will not buy it unless I see the signature.
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You've got to see the signature, huh?
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Right.
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See that little rat tail?
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That is the signature.
Wow. I'll take it.
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Here's your check for $50,000.
Thank you.
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All right.
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And, sir, here is your priceless Stradivari violin.
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Thank you very much.
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It is a pleasure to do business with an honest man.
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Thank you. Well?
What do you say, Sal?
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[laughter]
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Oh, that's the most wonderful sketch you guys ever run.
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Good. The audience
is going to scream.
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Oh, let's get this down on paper.
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I'll let you guys type that.
[laughter]
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Hey, Sal?
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You got a date, and you want to get out early, huh?
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Yeah.
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Hey. It stunk, didn't it?
You're right.
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Come on, you guys.
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Let's get something good.
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I want to go home, too.
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I got a wife who thinks I hate all her relatives.
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Now let's really get something unusual this time.
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Let's don't use any more breakaway violins.
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I don't think my head could take it.
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Hey, Rob. Huh?
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You didn't use the breakaway.
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I didn't think so.
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Hey, how's your head feel?
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Like my kid left his bike in the driveway.
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Hey. Listen.
That's how we do the bit.
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We use a real violin and a breakable head.
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No.
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Let's really get some good now,
something that must make people laugh.
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Rob. There it is.
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Situation comedy with fat legs.
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What is it, Lem?
May I speak-- Lem?
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Yeah, Lem. That's Mel backwards.
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Lem is also short for lemon,
which in your case means sourpuss.
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Rob, Alan would like you to do him a favor.
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Oh, I think I'll do myself a favor
and go out and get a cup of coffee.
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How about you? A little raisin cake?
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- Yeah, sure. - Good.
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Sal, fruit salad? - Yeah.
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Only this time, check the cherries, will you?
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Last time, it was too many grapes.
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Oh, I'll check it personally.
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Mel, can I get you something?
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A cup of coffee? Donut? Toupee?
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- Yuck. - All right.
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I'll get you something to settle your stomach.
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Rob, Alan would like you to bring
this week's script over to his place.
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Oh, what's the matter, Mel?
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Is Alan sick or something?
Oh, no.
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But he's exhausted from his yearly checkup.
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SALLY: Oh. How about it, Rob?
Will you?
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To, uh, where?
The penthouse. When? When?
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Well, any time before you go home.
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Right now, if you like.
Oh, sure.
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OK, I'll do it now.
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Uh, are these the special lyrics for the musical numbers?
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Yeah, all those right there.
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What-- what is that address again?
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The same as it always was, the Temple Towers.
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SALLY: Hey, Rob, should we wait for
you, or should we knock off for the day?
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Oh, fine. Fine, fine.
And here you are.
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Rob, here's your raisin cake.
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Hey, where are you going? Huh?
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I said, where are you going?
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Oh, I have to read this.
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You're going to read him your palm?
Here.
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Read mine. It's funnier.
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How about the script?
Oh, thanks.
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Uh, where am I going?
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The Temple Towers on East 61st Street, New York City, USA.
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Yeah. SALLY: Hey, Rob.
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You know, I can't believe that you were in the Signal Corps.
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He was a Sergeant yet.
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Boy, lucky thing the army didn't
give you the message to Garcia.
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Yeah. Yeah, that's lucky.
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Message to Garcia. [whistling]
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He's got a good memory, but it's short.
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Well, so long, everybody.
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Good night. - Wait a minute.
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I don't want to be nosy, but what's going on here?
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Listen. Don't ask questions.
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We've been sprung for the day. Come on.
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What am I going to do with this fruit salad?
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Oh, have it made up into a sport jacket.
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Come on. Let's go. So long, Mel.
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See you tomorrow at noon. Noon?
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You always come in that late?
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Well, don't forget.
I go home early. Oh.
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Oh, I think we better be going home now.
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Where's our favorite grand nephew?
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I think he's watching one of his programs.
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Ritchie! - Oh.
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Come say goodbye to Uncle Edward and Aunt Mildred.
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If I didn't know better, I'd think that
everyone in the house is trying to avoid us.
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Oh. Bye, Uncle Edward.
Bye, Aunt Mildred.
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Uh, Ritchie, dear.
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Aren't you going to kiss your aunt goodnight?
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Not on the lips, dear.
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How about one for your favorite uncle, huh?
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Edward. I know, I know.
Never on the lips.
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[laughter] [kissing sound]
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And how about you, my dear?
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[clearing throat] [groaning]
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Be sure and-- be sure and say hello
to Lamont Cranston when he comes home.
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00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:06,945
Lamont Cranston?
Yes, your husband.
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00:08:07,070 --> 00:08:08,989
You know, the shadow.
[creepy laughter]
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Oh, Edward. [inaudible].
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00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:13,911
I'm so embarrassed about Rob's not being here.
191
00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:15,787
And I know he feels terrible, too.
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So please promise to come back soon.
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Yes, we will.
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If only to see whether he lives here or not.
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Oh, Edward.
I know he lives here, my dear.
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Only kidding.
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Because I saw a picture of him in the bedroom and
a blob of shaving cream on the bathroom mirror.
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00:08:29,968 --> 00:08:34,181
Oh, Edward! Come on.
See how you are? Bye.
199
00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:39,811
Mommy, where is Daddy?
He's working, dear.
200
00:08:39,937 --> 00:08:42,814
Go on, get to bed now.
It's late.
201
00:08:42,898 --> 00:08:46,318
Mommy, are you going to yell at Daddy when he comes home?
202
00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:48,654
Ritchie, I don't yell at Daddy.
203
00:08:48,779 --> 00:08:52,199
Yes, you do, when he doesn't call and say when he's coming.
204
00:08:52,324 --> 00:08:57,204
Ritchie, I may be a little annoyed when
Daddy doesn't call, but I don't yell.
205
00:08:57,329 --> 00:08:59,039
Are you a little annoyed now?
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00:08:59,164 --> 00:09:01,375
- Yes, I am.
- I'm going. I'm going.
207
00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:02,501
I'm going!
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00:09:09,842 --> 00:09:12,511
Millie? No, he's not home yet.
209
00:09:12,636 --> 00:09:15,305
I don't know whether to be worried or angry.
210
00:09:15,389 --> 00:09:18,350
Well, I called everywhere he could possibly be.
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00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:22,563
I called the office, and the cleaning
lady said that they left hours ago.
212
00:09:22,688 --> 00:09:27,359
And then I called Sally, and she said that
he went to Alan Brady's house to work.
213
00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:28,986
Well, of course, I called there.
214
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:31,446
And they said that he never showed up.
215
00:09:31,530 --> 00:09:35,200
And that's why I'm more worried than I am angry.
216
00:09:35,284 --> 00:09:40,873
Well, wouldn't your voice quiver if you had no
idea where your husband was or what he was doing?
217
00:09:40,998 --> 00:09:46,378
I mean, for all I know, Millie, he could
be lying in a dark alley calling my name.
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00:09:46,461 --> 00:09:52,509
Graciella, baby, go, go.
[music playing]
219
00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:58,432
[chatter]
220
00:10:00,225 --> 00:10:02,853
[whistling]
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00:10:05,814 --> 00:10:08,775
[laughter]
222
00:10:23,707 --> 00:10:29,922
[applause] [inaudible] Wow, wow.
223
00:10:30,047 --> 00:10:32,007
More. More, Tony. Come on.
224
00:10:32,090 --> 00:10:34,384
Dance with me some Graciella,
can we just sit one out?
225
00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:37,054
Oh, but we're having so much fun.
Yeah.
226
00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:40,098
Oh, Tony. Tony, you're so silly.
227
00:10:40,182 --> 00:10:42,809
Hey, why-- why do you keep calling me Tony?
228
00:10:42,935 --> 00:10:44,895
Well, isn't that your name?
No, no, no.
229
00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:48,732
Not Tony. Antonio.
Antonio Stradivarius.
230
00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:52,402
Oh. You don't look Polish.
[laughter]
231
00:10:52,486 --> 00:10:56,365
I play violin in the Signal Corps, and I am a Sergeant.
232
00:10:56,448 --> 00:10:59,910
Oh! An officer. Yeah.
233
00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:05,332
Well, I'm going to reserve the rest of
my dances for you, Sergeant Stradivarius.
234
00:11:05,457 --> 00:11:07,668
Do you enjoy being in the army?
235
00:11:07,793 --> 00:11:09,503
Well, it's no picnic.
236
00:11:12,714 --> 00:11:14,842
But a man's got to do what a man's got to do.
237
00:11:14,967 --> 00:11:18,136
But it's a pleasure defending a country
with such good looking citizens in it.
238
00:11:18,262 --> 00:11:21,807
[laughter] Oh, Antonio.
239
00:11:21,890 --> 00:11:25,394
You're such a ding-dong.
240
00:11:25,477 --> 00:11:27,312
Hey, well, listen, Sergeant.
241
00:11:27,437 --> 00:11:30,649
Let's storm the buffet, as we say in military circles.
242
00:11:30,774 --> 00:11:32,693
Very good. Hop in.
243
00:11:32,818 --> 00:11:36,446
I will dance you over to the Tower Apartments
on East 61st Street in New York City.
244
00:11:36,530 --> 00:11:38,949
Oh, hey, that's a very long dance from Red Hook.
245
00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:42,369
Red Hook? Where's that?
Uh, here.
246
00:11:42,494 --> 00:11:45,122
We're there. This is it.
Red Hook?
247
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:46,081
You know something?
248
00:11:46,165 --> 00:11:47,416
I think that's off limits.
249
00:11:47,499 --> 00:11:48,667
Oh, well, I'm shipping out tomorrow, anyway.
250
00:11:48,792 --> 00:11:49,710
Let's eat.
251
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:56,216
Graciella sure found herself a wild one.
252
00:11:56,341 --> 00:11:58,677
Did she thank you yet? For what?
253
00:11:58,802 --> 00:12:02,681
For inviting him.
I didn't invite him.
254
00:12:02,764 --> 00:12:04,266
I thought you did.
255
00:12:04,349 --> 00:12:06,977
Why, I never saw him before.
What?
256
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:08,228
Well, how did he get in?
257
00:12:08,353 --> 00:12:10,355
Well, he rang the bell, and there he was.
258
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:11,648
And I said, yes?
259
00:12:11,732 --> 00:12:13,442
And he said he had a message for Garcia.
260
00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:19,114
Naturally, I thought he meant Graciella.
261
00:12:19,198 --> 00:12:20,407
[laughter]
262
00:12:20,532 --> 00:12:24,620
Well, whatever it was, she got his message.
263
00:12:24,703 --> 00:12:26,872
Did you really mean what you said before?
264
00:12:26,997 --> 00:12:28,165
What's all that?
265
00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:32,711
Well, when you said I am a lovely girl,
and you'd certainly like to write to me?
266
00:12:32,794 --> 00:12:37,049
Listen, I think you're just about
the nicest fella I ever met.
267
00:12:37,132 --> 00:12:40,177
And I'm going to look forward to your letters so much.
268
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:42,179
Do you have a piece of paper and a pencil?
269
00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:46,975
Hm. I'm so excited.
Here you go. All right.
270
00:12:48,977 --> 00:12:50,145
[laughter]
271
00:12:50,229 --> 00:12:52,022
You want me to write on your raisin cake?
272
00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:56,026
[laughter] That's so silly of you.
- Here.
273
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:58,070
Here, here, here. OK.
274
00:12:58,195 --> 00:13:00,030
See if I can remember the address.
275
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:01,573
Let me see.
276
00:13:01,657 --> 00:13:08,121
Sergeant Antonio Stradivarius, 35th Battalion Company E,
277
00:13:08,247 --> 00:13:12,084
Camp Crowder-- Camp
Crowder, where is that?
278
00:13:12,209 --> 00:13:16,296
Uh, New Rochelle. Oh, silly.
279
00:13:16,421 --> 00:13:18,715
It's in Missouri.
Now you remember that.
280
00:13:18,799 --> 00:13:21,927
Oh, boy. Such a ding-dong. Oh!
281
00:13:22,010 --> 00:13:23,554
What is this address here?
282
00:13:23,637 --> 00:13:26,223
148 Bonnie Meadow Road, New Rochelle.
283
00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:30,269
What is that? What?
I live there.
284
00:13:30,394 --> 00:13:33,105
Oh, is that your family's home?
Yeah.
285
00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:35,440
Yes, my family. Oh.
286
00:13:35,524 --> 00:13:37,317
What-- what-- what time is it?
287
00:13:37,442 --> 00:13:41,113
Oh, well, it's 1:30 o'clock.
AM or PM?
288
00:13:41,238 --> 00:13:42,281
[laughter]
289
00:13:42,406 --> 00:13:44,908
You're crazy about me, aren't you?
290
00:13:44,992 --> 00:13:46,118
Oh, I knew it.
291
00:13:46,201 --> 00:13:47,661
Why'd you-- why'd you say that?
292
00:13:47,786 --> 00:13:52,124
Well, because you don't if it's day or night or anything.
293
00:13:52,249 --> 00:13:55,085
Hey, it's dark out, isn't it?
294
00:13:55,169 --> 00:13:56,211
Would you excuse me?
295
00:13:56,295 --> 00:13:57,629
I think I'd better be getting home.
296
00:13:57,754 --> 00:14:00,132
Oh, well, uh, back to your family in New Rochelle?
297
00:14:00,257 --> 00:14:01,300
Yeah, my family.
298
00:14:01,383 --> 00:14:03,927
Oh, you've got a very long drive.
299
00:14:04,011 --> 00:14:07,306
Where am I?
I told you, Red Hook.
300
00:14:07,431 --> 00:14:11,143
Red Hook.
Oh, Antonio, are you all right?
301
00:14:11,226 --> 00:14:14,313
Who? I said, are you all right?
Yeah.
302
00:14:14,438 --> 00:14:15,647
Yes, I'm-- I'm just fine.
303
00:14:15,731 --> 00:14:17,316
Uh, would you excuse me?
304
00:14:17,399 --> 00:14:18,692
I think I'd better go home.
305
00:14:18,817 --> 00:14:21,195
Oh, Antonio, aren't you going to kiss me goodbye?
306
00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:22,446
- Kiss you goodbye? - Yes.
307
00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:23,363
Don't you want to?
308
00:14:23,488 --> 00:14:26,450
How well do-- how--
do we know each other?
309
00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:30,746
Oh, you'll call me before you leave for camp?
310
00:14:30,829 --> 00:14:34,833
Leave for camp? Yes.
I certainly will. Oh.
311
00:14:34,958 --> 00:14:36,168
I certainly will call you before I leave for camp.
312
00:14:36,251 --> 00:14:38,295
I've got to get home now.
[inaudible] Bye.
313
00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:42,508
Antonio! You forgot this.
Keep it.
314
00:14:45,260 --> 00:14:47,554
[gunshots on television]
315
00:14:47,679 --> 00:14:49,932
[screaming on television]
316
00:14:50,015 --> 00:14:53,143
You-- you see what can happen to a man?
317
00:14:53,227 --> 00:14:54,394
Oh, come on, Laura.
318
00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:57,856
He couldn't possibly be shot by Indians.
319
00:14:57,981 --> 00:14:58,941
[inaudible].
320
00:14:59,024 --> 00:15:03,570
He has never ever not called
unless he couldn't get to a phone.
321
00:15:03,695 --> 00:15:06,031
Maybe his car broke down.
322
00:15:06,156 --> 00:15:11,870
Broke down or-- or-- Laura, if he had been in
an accident, you would have heard about it.
323
00:15:11,995 --> 00:15:14,081
Not if he drove off the road into some ditch.
324
00:15:14,206 --> 00:15:15,582
Oh, come on, Laura.
325
00:15:15,707 --> 00:15:17,125
There are no ditches between New Rochelle and New York.
326
00:15:17,209 --> 00:15:19,878
It's all straight highway. Sure.
327
00:15:20,003 --> 00:15:21,547
He couldn't even drive over a cliff if he wanted to.
328
00:15:21,630 --> 00:15:22,923
- Buddy, why'd you say that? - What?
329
00:15:23,048 --> 00:15:24,132
What'd I say?
330
00:15:24,216 --> 00:15:25,926
Was Rob depressed when he left the office today?
331
00:15:26,051 --> 00:15:27,177
No.
332
00:15:27,261 --> 00:15:28,720
Laura, you spoke to him five minutes before he left.
333
00:15:28,846 --> 00:15:32,558
And the last thing he said to me
was, I'll be home when I'll be home.
334
00:15:32,641 --> 00:15:33,934
- Well, is he home? - No.
335
00:15:34,059 --> 00:15:37,229
Then he's not late. No.
336
00:15:37,312 --> 00:15:41,984
Laura, look, maybe there's something he wanted to
do, and he just didn't want you to know about it.
337
00:15:42,067 --> 00:15:43,068
Like what?
338
00:15:43,151 --> 00:15:45,487
Well, maybe he's leading a double life.
339
00:15:45,571 --> 00:15:46,947
Buddy, you know what you should be?
340
00:15:47,072 --> 00:15:49,157
A marriage counselor.
341
00:15:49,241 --> 00:15:50,909
I'm just trying to help.
342
00:15:51,034 --> 00:15:53,245
And I do appreciate your both coming up here.
343
00:15:53,370 --> 00:15:55,622
Really, I do. Look, Laura.
344
00:15:55,747 --> 00:15:56,832
We didn't come up here to hold your hand.
345
00:15:56,915 --> 00:15:58,167
We came up here.
346
00:15:58,250 --> 00:15:59,918
We thought maybe we could get a couple of hours work in.
347
00:16:00,002 --> 00:16:01,003
Sure, you did.
348
00:16:01,086 --> 00:16:04,047
You came up here because you're worried, too.
349
00:16:04,131 --> 00:16:06,758
Oh, Rob's all right.
I know he is.
350
00:16:06,842 --> 00:16:08,594
Yeah, maybe he got temporary amnesia.
351
00:16:08,719 --> 00:16:09,761
Hey, there's a great excuse.
352
00:16:09,845 --> 00:16:11,346
My drunken uncle used it for years.
353
00:16:11,430 --> 00:16:15,893
Shut up.
Hey, maybe he got drunk.
354
00:16:15,976 --> 00:16:17,936
Oh, Buddy.
Rob doesn't get drunk.
355
00:16:18,020 --> 00:16:19,271
Well, maybe tonight he made it.
356
00:16:19,354 --> 00:16:23,275
Will you cut it out?
[inaudible].
357
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:24,943
Something's happened to him.
358
00:16:25,027 --> 00:16:26,028
I just know it.
359
00:16:26,111 --> 00:16:27,821
Because he's never ever ever been this late.
360
00:16:27,946 --> 00:16:29,239
Laura, will you please calm down?
361
00:16:29,323 --> 00:16:30,407
He's probably lying somewhere.
362
00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:33,410
[interposing voices]
- Now please. - Oh!
363
00:16:33,494 --> 00:16:36,747
Oh, Rob! Hi. Oh, darling!
364
00:16:36,830 --> 00:16:37,956
Oh, are you all right?
365
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:39,458
- Yeah, I'm fine. - You're not hurt?
366
00:16:39,541 --> 00:16:41,752
Believe me, honey.
I'm fine. I'm fine.
367
00:16:41,835 --> 00:16:43,420
Rob, why didn't you call me?
368
00:16:43,504 --> 00:16:45,130
Honey, I didn't think of it.
369
00:16:48,300 --> 00:16:50,052
You didn't think of it?
370
00:16:54,473 --> 00:16:57,351
See, I was right.
Temporary amnesia.
371
00:16:57,476 --> 00:16:58,602
Yeah, that's right.
372
00:16:58,685 --> 00:17:01,897
That's-- I didn't think anybody
would-- anybody would believe me.
373
00:17:01,980 --> 00:17:04,483
I-- I-- I think we'd better get going.
374
00:17:04,566 --> 00:17:05,776
Come on.
375
00:17:05,859 --> 00:17:07,027
I want to stay here and hear Rob's story.
376
00:17:07,152 --> 00:17:08,153
Come on.
377
00:17:08,237 --> 00:17:09,655
I'll tell you "Black Beauty" on the way home.
378
00:17:09,738 --> 00:17:10,989
Yeah, but-- all right.
379
00:17:11,073 --> 00:17:13,283
Good night, Rob, Laura.
- Yeah. Good night.
380
00:17:13,367 --> 00:17:14,576
I'm glad you're all right, Rob.
381
00:17:14,660 --> 00:17:15,994
- See you tomorrow. - See you at the office.
382
00:17:16,078 --> 00:17:16,995
Goodnight.
383
00:17:19,665 --> 00:17:21,124
Well?
384
00:17:21,208 --> 00:17:25,712
Well, honey,
I-- I had a case of temporary amnesia.
385
00:17:25,838 --> 00:17:28,507
Temporary amnesia.
386
00:17:28,632 --> 00:17:32,010
Rob, why didn't you call me?
Honey.
387
00:17:32,094 --> 00:17:34,972
If you've got temporary amnesia,
you don't know that you've got it.
388
00:17:35,055 --> 00:17:38,016
Then how do you know you had it?
389
00:17:38,141 --> 00:17:40,143
Because I woke up right in the middle of the party.
390
00:17:40,227 --> 00:17:43,522
I suddenly remembered.
The party?
391
00:17:43,605 --> 00:17:46,275
Well, I told you-- Look, Rob,
before you go any further,
392
00:17:46,358 --> 00:17:48,944
I think you should know that I called Alan Brady's house,
393
00:17:49,027 --> 00:17:51,446
and I happen to know there was no party there tonight.
394
00:17:51,530 --> 00:17:52,739
Honey, I wasn't at Alan Brady's.
395
00:17:52,865 --> 00:17:55,075
I was at a party in Red Hook.
396
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:57,536
Red Hook, New Jersey?
397
00:17:57,619 --> 00:18:01,582
I don't know how I got to Red Hook, New Jersey.
398
00:18:01,707 --> 00:18:04,293
Rob, have you been drinking?
I don't know.
399
00:18:06,795 --> 00:18:09,214
No, I don't-- I don't think I have.
400
00:18:09,339 --> 00:18:10,716
All right, darling.
401
00:18:10,799 --> 00:18:16,805
Why don't you just very slowly start at
the beginning and tell me the whole story?
402
00:18:16,889 --> 00:18:19,641
Well, honey, the beginning--
I'm-- I remember in the office.
403
00:18:19,725 --> 00:18:20,767
I remember that.
404
00:18:20,893 --> 00:18:22,060
It started in the office. - Yeah?
405
00:18:22,144 --> 00:18:23,187
Buddy came up.
406
00:18:23,270 --> 00:18:28,066
He brought Sally a fruit salad, and he
brought-- I left my raisin cake in Red Hook.
407
00:18:28,150 --> 00:18:32,905
Rob! I am in no mood for jokes!
408
00:18:32,988 --> 00:18:37,201
I have spent half this evening going
out of my mind worrying about you.
409
00:18:37,284 --> 00:18:41,622
Now, I think I have a right to know where
you've been and what you've been doing.
410
00:18:41,747 --> 00:18:45,250
But if for some reason you don't
want me to know, then just say so.
411
00:18:45,375 --> 00:18:46,960
And the subject will be closed.
412
00:18:47,085 --> 00:18:49,379
Honey, I'd love to tell you what I've been doing.
413
00:18:49,463 --> 00:18:51,256
I forgot.
414
00:18:51,340 --> 00:18:54,635
You just suddenly found yourself at a
party in Red Hook, New Jersey, right?
415
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:58,138
Right. Suffering from
temporary amnesia?
416
00:18:58,263 --> 00:19:01,266
That's right.
And that's the whole story?
417
00:19:01,350 --> 00:19:03,560
Well, it's not the whole story, honey.
418
00:19:03,644 --> 00:19:05,145
I don't know the whole story.
419
00:19:05,270 --> 00:19:09,316
My-- my memory's spotty.
So is your collar.
420
00:19:09,441 --> 00:19:10,943
Huh?
421
00:19:11,026 --> 00:19:15,489
I guess you don't remember how you got that
smear of lipstick on your collar there.
422
00:19:15,614 --> 00:19:18,116
[nervous laughter]
423
00:19:19,785 --> 00:19:24,164
How-- how about that?
How about that.
424
00:19:24,289 --> 00:19:30,629
Honey, I don't even-- I don't even remember
anybody kissing me on the-- whoops.
425
00:19:30,712 --> 00:19:33,215
Whoops?
426
00:19:33,298 --> 00:19:38,554
Honey, uh, I think I better call my doctor.
427
00:19:38,637 --> 00:19:41,056
I think you better call your lawyer!
428
00:19:43,725 --> 00:19:45,310
[door slamming]
429
00:19:47,312 --> 00:19:48,313
[sighing]
430
00:19:52,651 --> 00:19:55,237
[crying]
431
00:20:04,580 --> 00:20:06,165
[doorbell ringing]
432
00:20:12,504 --> 00:20:15,007
Oh, pardon me.
I realize it's very early.
433
00:20:15,132 --> 00:20:18,010
But is Antonio Stradivarius here?
434
00:20:20,846 --> 00:20:22,681
Sergeant Antonio Stradivarius.
435
00:20:22,806 --> 00:20:25,350
Who is it, honey?
Oh, Antonio, darling!
436
00:20:25,475 --> 00:20:26,852
There you are.
437
00:20:30,772 --> 00:20:35,694
Beg your pardon.
Who is she? Who am I?
438
00:20:35,819 --> 00:20:37,321
Now don't tell me she's your mother.
439
00:20:39,740 --> 00:20:40,949
His mother?
440
00:20:41,033 --> 00:20:44,578
He told me he lived with his mother.
441
00:20:44,703 --> 00:20:46,997
I-- I-- I-- I--
442
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:53,420
And your name isn't Antonio Stradivarius, I'll bet.
443
00:20:53,545 --> 00:20:55,047
Who?
444
00:20:55,130 --> 00:20:57,549
And you're not a member of the armed forces, either, are you?
445
00:20:57,633 --> 00:21:00,052
I-- I-- well, I was. I was.
446
00:21:00,135 --> 00:21:01,470
You weren't going to write to me, were you?
447
00:21:01,553 --> 00:21:02,387
No.
448
00:21:02,471 --> 00:21:04,264
I-- I-- I wasn't plan--
I wasn't planning.
449
00:21:04,389 --> 00:21:05,265
Did-- did I say that?
450
00:21:05,390 --> 00:21:07,643
Your name is really Robert Petrie.
451
00:21:07,726 --> 00:21:09,895
And you're married, and she's your wife.
452
00:21:09,978 --> 00:21:12,314
And I'll bet you even have a child.
Yeah.
453
00:21:12,397 --> 00:21:13,649
That's right.
454
00:21:13,732 --> 00:21:18,070
I'm-- I'm-- I'm Rob, and she-- and
we-- we-- we have a-- [stuttering]
455
00:21:18,195 --> 00:21:21,323
How-- how-- how did you,
uh-- You gave me your wallet.
456
00:21:21,406 --> 00:21:25,452
Next time you try to fool her, don't give your wallet away.
457
00:21:25,577 --> 00:21:27,246
Oh, you certainly had me fooled.
458
00:21:27,371 --> 00:21:31,208
I don't know how I can think that
you're so sweet and so sincere.
459
00:21:31,291 --> 00:21:32,501
[crying]
460
00:21:35,254 --> 00:21:38,966
And to think I slept with your raisin cake under my pillow.
461
00:21:47,808 --> 00:21:53,313
Uh, I think that's the-- the
girl who kissed me on the collar.
462
00:21:53,438 --> 00:21:54,940
Oh, Rob.
463
00:21:55,023 --> 00:21:58,819
Honey, honey, if I were you, I'd be
thinking exactly what you're thinking.
464
00:21:58,944 --> 00:22:00,195
Oh, Rob.
465
00:22:00,279 --> 00:22:01,738
Honey, you don't-- you don't understand.
466
00:22:01,822 --> 00:22:08,120
Rob. Honey, honey.
Darling. [inaudible]
467
00:22:08,203 --> 00:22:11,331
Oh, Rob, do you think you could ever forgive me?
468
00:22:11,456 --> 00:22:13,792
Well, sure, I forgive you, honey.
469
00:22:13,876 --> 00:22:15,460
But what did you do?
470
00:22:19,131 --> 00:22:20,966
I didn't trust you.
471
00:22:21,091 --> 00:22:24,845
You told me something was wrong with
you, and I didn't believe you.
472
00:22:24,970 --> 00:22:25,888
Yeah, honey.
473
00:22:25,971 --> 00:22:27,264
I think I had a memory blackout.
474
00:22:27,347 --> 00:22:29,725
I-- how come you believe me now?
475
00:22:29,808 --> 00:22:32,686
Because, darling, I know you.
476
00:22:32,811 --> 00:22:35,814
If you were in your right mind, you would
never have given that girl your wallet
477
00:22:35,939 --> 00:22:40,819
or your raisin cake.
That's right, honey.
478
00:22:40,944 --> 00:22:42,446
I-- I'd certainly never do that.
479
00:22:42,529 --> 00:22:44,364
I mean-- I know.
480
00:22:49,369 --> 00:22:51,246
What are you doing out of bed?
481
00:22:51,330 --> 00:22:53,081
You heard what the doctor said.
482
00:22:53,165 --> 00:22:54,291
Well, honey, you heard him.
483
00:22:54,374 --> 00:22:57,503
He said that I was fine, except just don't crash
any more violins on my head for a few days.
484
00:22:57,586 --> 00:23:02,382
He also said you were not to strain your
brain at all, and you were to stay in bed.
485
00:23:02,508 --> 00:23:03,509
Well, honey, look.
486
00:23:03,634 --> 00:23:05,010
Do you care if I have my chicken soup out there?
487
00:23:05,093 --> 00:23:06,803
If I lie in bed, I start thinking I'm sick.
488
00:23:06,887 --> 00:23:08,347
Well, Rob, you are sick.
489
00:23:08,472 --> 00:23:12,518
You know, even a mild concussion is nothing to laugh at.
490
00:23:12,601 --> 00:23:17,231
Honey, will you do me a favor and call that poor girl?
491
00:23:17,356 --> 00:23:18,565
Why?
492
00:23:18,690 --> 00:23:21,860
Well, I suddenly remembered the girl was crazy about me.
493
00:23:21,985 --> 00:23:26,573
She slept with my raisin cake under her pillow.
494
00:23:26,698 --> 00:23:30,744
And I just don't want the poor kid to
be bitter about men on account of me.
495
00:23:30,869 --> 00:23:33,831
Come on. Call her, please.
All right.
496
00:23:33,914 --> 00:23:35,082
What's the number?
497
00:23:35,207 --> 00:23:38,147
Uh, see, Red Hook, 7588202.
498
00:23:45,968 --> 00:23:49,346
Rob, how do you happen to remember that number?
499
00:23:49,429 --> 00:23:52,057
[laughter]
500
00:23:52,140 --> 00:23:55,978
The mind-- the mind's a funny thing, isn't it?
501
00:23:56,061 --> 00:23:59,064
I'm teasing, honey.
I looked. I had a palm.
502
00:23:59,147 --> 00:24:00,941
It's forgotten.
I forgot the whole number.
503
00:24:01,066 --> 00:24:03,235
Are you sure? Yeah.
504
00:24:03,360 --> 00:24:07,281
It's, uh-- uh, Sydney, Australia, 42974-- no, no.
505
00:24:07,406 --> 00:24:10,742
- Good boy.
- Just go on. Go on. All right.
506
00:24:10,868 --> 00:24:14,746
7588202. Not the head!
Not the head!
507
00:24:14,830 --> 00:24:18,542
[music playing]39761
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