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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,575 --> 00:00:01,643 [theme music] 2 00:00:01,743 --> 00:00:04,713 ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show." 3 00:00:04,813 --> 00:00:16,925 Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore. 5 00:00:23,598 --> 00:00:27,168 There they are, folks-- Pancho Gonzalez and Helen Wills Moody. 7 00:00:30,372 --> 00:00:32,440 Oh no. Oh boy. 8 00:00:32,541 --> 00:00:33,475 This is going to be a productive day. 9 00:00:33,575 --> 00:00:35,243 I can just feel it. - Yeah. Buddy's right. 10 00:00:35,343 --> 00:00:36,278 Hey, come on, fellas. 11 00:00:36,378 --> 00:00:37,412 What do you say we get to work? 12 00:00:37,512 --> 00:00:38,947 I got a very important "if date." 13 00:00:39,047 --> 00:00:41,082 And "if date"? Yeah. 14 00:00:41,182 --> 00:00:43,852 If he shows up and if he asks me, I got a date. 15 00:00:43,952 --> 00:00:44,853 Come on. 16 00:00:44,953 --> 00:00:46,187 Now, let's get to work. Now, come on. 17 00:00:46,288 --> 00:00:47,522 Will you please? 18 00:00:47,622 --> 00:00:49,024 How about-- how about a husband and wife sketch? 19 00:00:49,124 --> 00:00:50,558 We haven't done one in a long time. 20 00:00:50,659 --> 00:00:53,428 I have nothing against those, but this time I'd like one based on the truth. 22 00:00:53,528 --> 00:00:55,897 I don't want any more of those sketches about Alan waking up in the morning 24 00:00:55,997 --> 00:00:57,098 and finding a Saint Bernard in his bed. 25 00:00:57,198 --> 00:00:59,234 That's the truth. That happened to me. 26 00:00:59,334 --> 00:01:00,835 Buddy, you never had a Saint Bernard in your bed. 27 00:01:00,936 --> 00:01:03,171 Oh, did you ever see my wife in the morning? 28 00:01:03,271 --> 00:01:05,106 [phone ringing] I keep yelling at her. 29 00:01:05,206 --> 00:01:07,309 Take off that ridiculous cask of brandy. 30 00:01:07,409 --> 00:01:11,913 [laughs] Hi, Marge. Mrs. Billings. 31 00:01:12,013 --> 00:01:12,847 What's she doing down here? 32 00:01:12,948 --> 00:01:14,683 Who's Mrs. Billings? 33 00:01:14,783 --> 00:01:18,253 She wants me to direct the Parents Council Show again this year, and I've 35 00:01:18,353 --> 00:01:20,155 been ducking her for weeks. 36 00:01:20,255 --> 00:01:21,089 What'll I do with her? 37 00:01:21,189 --> 00:01:21,923 Well, don't look at me. 38 00:01:22,023 --> 00:01:25,794 I'm not a parent or a council. Hey, Marge. 39 00:01:25,894 --> 00:01:27,662 Tell her anything, but get rid of her, will you? 40 00:01:27,762 --> 00:01:33,501 I just don't want to talk to that-- [nervous laugh] Hello, Mrs. Billings. 42 00:01:33,601 --> 00:01:38,239 Oh, Mr. Petrie, Mr. Petrie. What? What? 43 00:01:38,340 --> 00:01:40,241 I apologize from the bottom of my heart. 44 00:01:40,342 --> 00:01:41,276 Apologize for what? 45 00:01:41,376 --> 00:01:42,577 For what they're doing to you. 46 00:01:42,677 --> 00:01:46,147 Oh, I know you must be a very busy man, and I really shouldn't come barging in like this. 48 00:01:46,247 --> 00:01:49,517 But I wanted you to hear it from me personally. 49 00:01:49,617 --> 00:01:50,752 What is it, Mrs. Billings? 50 00:01:50,852 --> 00:01:53,521 Well, you know that every year you've been directing our community show, 52 00:01:53,621 --> 00:01:56,024 and you've done such a superb job. 53 00:01:56,124 --> 00:02:01,429 Well, this year, without even consulting me, one of the other ladies on the committee 55 00:02:01,529 --> 00:02:03,732 gave the job to somebody else. 56 00:02:03,832 --> 00:02:05,700 Why, I think that's terrible. 57 00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:09,871 Oh, I knew you'd feel that way. Believe me. 58 00:02:09,971 --> 00:02:11,873 I'd have given anything to have spared you this humiliation. 59 00:02:11,973 --> 00:02:16,277 Well, Mrs. Billings, all of us need a little emotional rubbish from time to time. 61 00:02:16,378 --> 00:02:17,612 I'll muddle through somehow. 62 00:02:17,712 --> 00:02:20,348 Oh, you're so wonderful to take it that way. 63 00:02:20,448 --> 00:02:21,750 Goodbye, Mr. Petrie. 64 00:02:21,850 --> 00:02:23,451 Goodbye, whoever you are. 65 00:02:27,389 --> 00:02:31,326 [laughing] 66 00:02:36,264 --> 00:02:38,833 [bangs piano keys] 67 00:02:41,169 --> 00:02:42,270 Hey, Rob. 68 00:02:42,370 --> 00:02:45,173 I-- I hate to bother you in this moment of sorrow. 69 00:02:45,273 --> 00:02:48,343 Oh, I am so happy not to be doing that show. 70 00:02:48,443 --> 00:02:49,878 Why? Gee. 71 00:02:49,978 --> 00:02:51,446 It sounds like fun directing one of those community show. 72 00:02:51,546 --> 00:02:52,614 You know, fix those lights. 73 00:02:52,714 --> 00:02:53,948 Pull that curtain. 74 00:02:54,049 --> 00:02:57,552 Have that good-looking girl go to my office. 75 00:02:57,652 --> 00:02:59,621 I don't mind directing. 76 00:02:59,721 --> 00:03:00,555 I don't mind producing. 77 00:03:00,655 --> 00:03:01,689 I don't mind performing. 78 00:03:01,790 --> 00:03:04,692 I don't mind they use my furniture for the sets every year. 80 00:03:04,793 --> 00:03:06,594 What I hate are those auditions. 81 00:03:06,694 --> 00:03:07,929 Well, what's wrong with auditions? 82 00:03:08,029 --> 00:03:11,766 You might find another Monroe Diefendorf. 83 00:03:11,866 --> 00:03:14,235 I never heard of Monroe Diefendorf. 84 00:03:14,335 --> 00:03:18,540 See, if you find one, you'll have one. 85 00:03:18,640 --> 00:03:22,277 If I could just find one a little bit of talent in that neighborhood besides Laura. 87 00:03:22,377 --> 00:03:26,347 She's the only professional in the whole group, and each year she ends up with the lead. 89 00:03:26,448 --> 00:03:27,982 So what's the problem? 90 00:03:28,083 --> 00:03:29,918 Everyone else's wife. 91 00:03:30,018 --> 00:03:32,921 They all think they have talent, and they think I'm playing favorites. 93 00:03:33,021 --> 00:03:34,089 Oh, I see what you mean. 94 00:03:34,189 --> 00:03:37,959 Hey, this year, just for a change, why don't you have Laura not play the lead? 96 00:03:38,059 --> 00:03:39,861 Sure. Then you can sleep in the garage. 97 00:03:39,961 --> 00:03:42,497 [chuckles] Oh, boy. 98 00:03:42,597 --> 00:03:46,301 This is the first time in three whole years that I am free. 99 00:03:46,401 --> 00:03:47,302 Mr. Petrie. 100 00:03:50,605 --> 00:03:51,873 They cannot do this to you. 101 00:03:51,973 --> 00:03:53,041 Who can't do what, Mrs. Billings? 102 00:03:53,141 --> 00:03:54,509 Having somebody else direct, indeed. 103 00:03:54,609 --> 00:03:55,844 How ungrateful can they be? 104 00:03:55,944 --> 00:03:57,245 They're not. They're not. 105 00:03:57,345 --> 00:03:58,580 Well, I'm not going to let them get away with it. 106 00:03:58,680 --> 00:03:59,614 Oh, let them. Let them. 107 00:03:59,714 --> 00:04:00,582 I'll get even some other way. 108 00:04:00,682 --> 00:04:02,250 No, no, no, no. 109 00:04:02,350 --> 00:04:04,552 I will assume all the responsibility. 110 00:04:04,652 --> 00:04:06,688 Robert Petrie, you are our director. 111 00:04:06,788 --> 00:04:10,158 No, I'm not. I'm not. It's unfair. No. 112 00:04:10,258 --> 00:04:11,726 Some way somehow I will get rid of that other man. 113 00:04:11,826 --> 00:04:13,128 Oh, you can't do that to him. 114 00:04:13,228 --> 00:04:14,796 He's a director. He has feelings. 115 00:04:14,896 --> 00:04:15,797 Oh, he's not a director. 116 00:04:15,897 --> 00:04:17,132 He's a dry cleaner. 117 00:04:17,232 --> 00:04:20,135 Mrs. Billings, even dry cleaners have feelings. 118 00:04:20,235 --> 00:04:23,138 Well, that's show business. 119 00:04:23,238 --> 00:04:27,675 Robert Petrie, you will be directing our shows as long as there's a New Rochelle. 121 00:04:27,775 --> 00:04:31,045 Oh, I can't wait to just fly home and spread the good news. 122 00:04:36,050 --> 00:04:37,819 She did it again. 123 00:04:46,561 --> 00:04:48,897 Hello, darling. Sure. 124 00:04:52,167 --> 00:04:56,304 How did you know I had spaghetti for lunch? 125 00:04:56,404 --> 00:04:57,338 Well, darling, look. 126 00:04:57,438 --> 00:04:58,673 I can put a steak on if you'd rather. 127 00:04:58,773 --> 00:05:01,075 That's all right. What's the matter, dear? 128 00:05:01,176 --> 00:05:02,477 You Seem a little out of sorts. 129 00:05:02,577 --> 00:05:05,880 I may be out of sorts, but I am in the show. 130 00:05:05,980 --> 00:05:08,683 The show? Yup. 131 00:05:08,783 --> 00:05:10,351 The Flying Phantom, Mrs. Billings. 132 00:05:10,451 --> 00:05:14,255 She caught me today. Really? Mhm. 133 00:05:14,355 --> 00:05:18,993 You are looking at the director of the Annual Follies and Fun Raiding Fiasco. 135 00:05:19,093 --> 00:05:21,296 I don't know how that woman finds me. 136 00:05:21,396 --> 00:05:22,931 [coughs] 137 00:05:23,765 --> 00:05:25,767 I work in an unlisted building. 138 00:05:25,867 --> 00:05:27,835 The nerve of her walking right into my office. 139 00:05:27,936 --> 00:05:29,904 Did she do that? Yeah. 140 00:05:30,004 --> 00:05:31,105 Hi, Mrs. Petrie. Yeah. 141 00:05:31,206 --> 00:05:33,842 I got the ginger ale-- Hello, Freddy. 142 00:05:33,942 --> 00:05:35,276 And the cola, and the soda, and extra ice cubes. 143 00:05:35,376 --> 00:05:37,445 What's all that? Yeah. 144 00:05:37,545 --> 00:05:41,082 And I got the corn curlies, and the Kasha Krispies, and barley bebes. But you know something. 146 00:05:41,182 --> 00:05:42,984 We were all out of the potato poopies. 147 00:05:43,084 --> 00:05:45,453 Oh, well, that's all right. 148 00:05:45,553 --> 00:05:46,721 What's going on here? 149 00:05:46,821 --> 00:05:47,789 Here you are, Freddy. Thank you so much. 150 00:05:47,889 --> 00:05:50,592 OK. Thank you, Mrs. Petrie. Oh, oh. 151 00:05:50,692 --> 00:05:52,093 What time should we be here tonight for the auditions? 152 00:05:52,193 --> 00:05:54,996 Auditions? Tonight? Yeah. 153 00:05:55,096 --> 00:05:56,598 Because I do an imitation, you know, of Al Jolson. 154 00:05:56,698 --> 00:05:57,732 I imitate them all. 155 00:05:57,832 --> 00:05:58,900 Why don't we save it for tonight? 156 00:05:59,000 --> 00:05:59,867 I do Regis Toomey, Amos and Andy. 157 00:05:59,968 --> 00:06:05,940 I do Lum and Abner. OK. The Happiness Boys. 158 00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:07,175 Oh, boy, tonight. 159 00:06:10,945 --> 00:06:15,049 Say, guess who I ran into today. 160 00:06:15,149 --> 00:06:18,019 You launched the Flying Phantom. 161 00:06:18,119 --> 00:06:19,454 You sent her down to my office, didn't you? 162 00:06:19,554 --> 00:06:21,990 Well, darling, she asked me where you work. 163 00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:23,424 Now, I couldn't very well lie to her. 164 00:06:23,524 --> 00:06:24,959 I mean I had to give her the address. 165 00:06:25,059 --> 00:06:26,561 You didn't have to tell her what city? 166 00:06:26,661 --> 00:06:28,296 Oh, Rob. 167 00:06:28,396 --> 00:06:30,398 You even arranged for auditions tonight. 168 00:06:30,498 --> 00:06:33,735 Well, darling, I know how you hate to be bothered with details. 170 00:06:33,835 --> 00:06:35,303 Honey, how could you do that? 171 00:06:35,403 --> 00:06:37,071 You know I hate to do that show. 172 00:06:37,171 --> 00:06:41,609 LAURA: Robert Petrie, you love directing those shows, and you know it. I only did it for you. 174 00:06:41,709 --> 00:06:43,244 You only did it for me? 175 00:06:43,344 --> 00:06:45,847 You, of course, weren't planning on being in the show yourself. 176 00:06:45,947 --> 00:06:47,982 Well, I might do a little something. 177 00:06:48,082 --> 00:06:50,785 (MOCKING) I might do a little something. 178 00:06:50,885 --> 00:06:53,087 Maybe like star in the show, huh? 179 00:06:53,187 --> 00:06:54,922 If the director thinks that I'm good enough. 180 00:06:55,023 --> 00:06:56,557 --that I'm good enough. Yeah. 181 00:06:56,658 --> 00:06:58,526 Oh, Rob, look. These shows are fun. 182 00:06:58,626 --> 00:06:59,727 And who knows? 183 00:06:59,827 --> 00:07:00,995 Maybe it won't be so hard this year. 184 00:07:01,095 --> 00:07:05,066 Well, no thanks to you, Buddy and Sally have volunteered to help me out this year. 186 00:07:05,166 --> 00:07:07,635 Oh, that's wonderful. Don't go overboard. 187 00:07:07,735 --> 00:07:09,070 They've written a whole show. 188 00:07:09,170 --> 00:07:11,039 It's a musical comedy called "The Gold Rush Girl." 189 00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:13,741 They wrote a whole musical comedy especially for us? 190 00:07:13,841 --> 00:07:16,077 No. Especially for Alan Brady. 191 00:07:16,177 --> 00:07:17,312 They wrote it three years ago. 192 00:07:17,412 --> 00:07:18,646 Every year they try to peddle to Alan. 193 00:07:18,746 --> 00:07:20,148 He rejects it. 194 00:07:20,248 --> 00:07:22,050 Oh, well, of course, if it's no good. 195 00:07:22,150 --> 00:07:23,518 Well, [inaudible] good all right. 196 00:07:23,618 --> 00:07:31,459 It's just that Alan always likes to be the main one, and the lead in this is a girl. A girl? 198 00:07:31,559 --> 00:07:32,460 The Gold Rush Girl? 199 00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:34,896 In the 1840s with a period costume? 200 00:07:34,996 --> 00:07:38,032 [gasps] Do you remember that costume I wore in the show three years ago. 202 00:07:38,132 --> 00:07:39,167 The Annie Oakley costume. I could wear that. 203 00:07:39,267 --> 00:07:40,501 I gave it to Millie. 204 00:07:40,601 --> 00:07:41,803 I better call her and see if she still has it. 205 00:07:41,903 --> 00:07:43,638 Boy, this is fun. 206 00:07:43,738 --> 00:07:46,507 If you think I'm the best one. [laughs] 207 00:07:48,343 --> 00:07:49,243 Boy. 208 00:07:51,546 --> 00:07:52,413 All right. 209 00:07:52,513 --> 00:07:56,851 I guess you all know why we're here, our annual fundraising show. 211 00:07:56,951 --> 00:07:58,953 And I am once again your director. 212 00:07:59,053 --> 00:08:01,656 And-- [clapping] Thank you. Thank you. 213 00:08:01,756 --> 00:08:05,760 As such, I'm going to be looking forward to your hatred in the coming months. JERRY: Right. Right. 215 00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:07,228 Don't be [inaudible] 216 00:08:07,328 --> 00:08:10,198 This year, we're going to do something a little bit different. 218 00:08:10,298 --> 00:08:11,733 Our good friends here, Buddy Sorrell and Sally Rogers, 219 00:08:11,833 --> 00:08:14,335 have written a book show for us, kind of a musical play. 220 00:08:14,435 --> 00:08:15,470 Oh. 221 00:08:15,570 --> 00:08:16,871 And I'm going to let them tell you about it. 222 00:08:16,971 --> 00:08:19,674 So Buddy and Sally could you-- could we hear a rundown of the play now? 224 00:08:19,774 --> 00:08:21,209 Why, sure, why not? 225 00:08:21,309 --> 00:08:23,511 This is probably the most rundown play you'll ever hear. 226 00:08:23,611 --> 00:08:26,514 Now, the name of the story is "The Gold Rush Girl," right? 227 00:08:26,614 --> 00:08:33,621 And the time is 1849. Cut down from 2150. 228 00:08:33,721 --> 00:08:38,159 Actually, it's a story of a young girl who falls in love with a medicine man. - Yeah. 230 00:08:38,259 --> 00:08:40,228 But she can only see him after meals and before bedtime. 231 00:08:43,598 --> 00:08:48,302 Now, she joins this traveling medicine show, going to California. Yeah. 233 00:08:48,403 --> 00:08:51,639 And they're selling a very popular drink called Old Factor Whistle, one blast 235 00:08:51,739 --> 00:08:52,707 you're through for the day. 236 00:08:55,143 --> 00:08:57,612 That's not in the show. Well, they laughed. 237 00:08:57,712 --> 00:08:59,647 All right. So it's in the show. 238 00:08:59,747 --> 00:09:05,186 Or, well, you could call it Old Card Table, two drink and your legs fold under you. 240 00:09:05,286 --> 00:09:07,121 Are you going to let me finish telling this story? 241 00:09:07,221 --> 00:09:08,790 No. They might reject it. 242 00:09:08,890 --> 00:09:10,558 I can't stand anymore rejection. 243 00:09:10,658 --> 00:09:12,093 Why don't we just go on with the auditions? 244 00:09:12,193 --> 00:09:13,694 Give us the chance to reject them. 245 00:09:13,795 --> 00:09:15,963 All right. All right. All right. Now, look. 246 00:09:16,064 --> 00:09:19,600 The two leads are the handsome medicine man and the very beautiful Gold Rush Girl. 248 00:09:19,700 --> 00:09:21,669 Oh, Mr. Petrie, you must play the handsome medicine man. 249 00:09:21,769 --> 00:09:24,405 And of course, Laura will be the beautiful Gold Rush Girl. 250 00:09:24,505 --> 00:09:26,140 Well, that does it. Let's go home, honey. 251 00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:27,508 No, no, no, Mrs. Billings. 252 00:09:27,608 --> 00:09:30,511 These are open auditions, and everyone should have a chance to try out. 254 00:09:30,611 --> 00:09:32,513 I mean, after all, I might not be right for it. 255 00:09:32,613 --> 00:09:34,649 It's up to the director to decide. 256 00:09:38,052 --> 00:09:39,954 Swell. 257 00:09:40,054 --> 00:09:42,356 All right, folks, we have an awful lot of parts to fill here. 259 00:09:42,457 --> 00:09:43,624 So I think we better get started. 260 00:09:43,724 --> 00:09:46,627 And I guess we'll begin with you, Millie. 261 00:09:49,697 --> 00:09:54,569 Mildred Helper, 146 Bonny Meadow Road. 262 00:09:54,669 --> 00:09:58,105 I'd like to sing "A Sentimental Love Song." 263 00:09:58,206 --> 00:10:00,675 Words and music by Mildred Helper. 264 00:10:00,775 --> 00:10:02,577 146 Bonny Meadow Road. 265 00:10:07,215 --> 00:10:12,186 Wonderful. You ready? [piano music] 266 00:10:12,286 --> 00:10:19,861 (SINGING) My heart got a smash in the face. 267 00:10:19,961 --> 00:10:25,666 That night I will never erase. 268 00:10:25,766 --> 00:10:33,007 You saw me standing 'neath the sun and the stars, and I was something to see. 270 00:10:33,107 --> 00:10:41,282 Then you just pulled out my aching heart and kicked it right in the knee. 272 00:10:41,382 --> 00:10:47,622 My heart has a terrible scar. 273 00:10:47,722 --> 00:10:54,228 I'll get you for this, wherever you are. 274 00:10:54,328 --> 00:10:59,834 But first, I'll kill myself. 275 00:10:59,934 --> 00:11:02,870 I'm funny that way. 276 00:11:06,407 --> 00:11:12,313 But seriously, darling, you're OK. 277 00:11:15,983 --> 00:11:19,921 [applause] 278 00:11:23,658 --> 00:11:25,126 That was just swell, Mill. 279 00:11:25,226 --> 00:11:28,329 I'll let you know. OK? Well, when? Listen. 280 00:11:28,429 --> 00:11:29,230 If you don't call me, I'll call you. 281 00:11:29,330 --> 00:11:31,365 OK? - Come on. That was wonderful, honey. 282 00:11:31,465 --> 00:11:32,900 Really wonderful. 283 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,203 Boy, that kind of talent is going to be tough to follow. 284 00:11:35,303 --> 00:11:36,404 What's Laura going to do? 285 00:11:36,504 --> 00:11:37,972 Uh. I don't know, honey. 286 00:11:38,072 --> 00:11:40,174 You want to do something? Oh, well. 287 00:11:40,274 --> 00:11:43,144 I hardly think Laura has to prove herself. 288 00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:46,380 And after all the star of our show must preserve her talented tootsies. 290 00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:50,218 Oh, thank you, Mrs. Billings, but I'm not the star yet. 291 00:11:50,318 --> 00:11:53,554 It's up to my husband, the director. 292 00:11:53,654 --> 00:11:57,058 Yes, my wife, the dancer has to earn the job. 293 00:11:57,158 --> 00:11:58,326 Go ahead, honey. 294 00:11:58,426 --> 00:12:02,563 Well, I'll do a dance, but I can't really do it here with the carpet. 296 00:12:02,663 --> 00:12:05,099 But I thought I'd wear a kind of a short Annie Oakley costume, 297 00:12:05,199 --> 00:12:08,269 and I'd start off standing on top of this big drumhead. 298 00:12:08,369 --> 00:12:10,338 And I'll do a big leap off right. 299 00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:12,740 And then I'll do a series of fouetté turns. 300 00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:15,309 So it'll be fouetté, fouetté, fouetté, fouetté, fouetté, fouetté, fouetté, 302 00:12:15,409 --> 00:12:16,477 fouetté, fouetté around here. 303 00:12:16,577 --> 00:12:18,512 And then a leap in the air, spin. 304 00:12:18,613 --> 00:12:23,851 And now this is the effective part where you turn and sell it with a look. Right? 306 00:12:23,951 --> 00:12:30,925 A pirouette, tour jeté, and finish with a series of chaines, and a big finish. Like that. 308 00:12:31,025 --> 00:12:34,095 That's [inaudible] 309 00:12:34,195 --> 00:12:37,031 A toast to the star of our show. 310 00:12:37,131 --> 00:12:40,601 Only if I'm worthy. Oh. 311 00:12:40,701 --> 00:12:44,405 You see, folks, the bigger they are, the nicer they are. 312 00:12:46,674 --> 00:12:48,042 All right, folks. Let's get along. 313 00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:49,343 We have a lot of parts to fill. 314 00:12:49,443 --> 00:12:50,511 So we have to move it along this evening. 315 00:12:50,611 --> 00:12:54,081 Are there any other hands-- let's see hands now for anybody who wants to audition for the show. 317 00:12:54,181 --> 00:12:58,986 Come on. Who's next? Mel is your hand up? 318 00:12:59,086 --> 00:13:00,888 Did you want-- you mean you want to do something? 319 00:13:00,988 --> 00:13:02,189 Yes. 320 00:13:02,290 --> 00:13:05,092 Well, I thought you were just going to help us with the production end. Well, that too. 322 00:13:05,192 --> 00:13:06,727 Well, what-- what do you do, Mel? 323 00:13:06,827 --> 00:13:13,100 Well, I uh-- fool around with uh-- (WHISPERS) ventriloquism. What? 325 00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:16,570 Ventriloquism. Ventriloquism? 326 00:13:16,671 --> 00:13:18,673 It's just sort of a hobby. 327 00:13:18,773 --> 00:13:24,111 Oh, well, Buddy would there be a part for a ventriloquist in the show? No. 329 00:13:24,211 --> 00:13:29,016 But there's a part for a dummy. OK. Yeah. 330 00:13:29,116 --> 00:13:31,052 Well, I'll just need two props, a stool and a glass of water. 331 00:13:31,152 --> 00:13:32,353 Oh, OK, Mel. 332 00:13:32,453 --> 00:13:33,821 Honey, would you get him a glass of water? 333 00:13:33,921 --> 00:13:36,090 Is this stool all right? 334 00:13:36,190 --> 00:13:38,492 OK, Mel, the floor is all yours. 335 00:13:43,664 --> 00:13:48,035 Folks, I'd like you to meet my friend Dummy McGee. 336 00:13:48,135 --> 00:13:52,173 Hello, Dummy. Hello, Mr. Cooley. 337 00:13:52,273 --> 00:13:54,642 How are you? I'm fine. 338 00:13:58,846 --> 00:14:00,948 Now, I'd like to show you a little trick. 339 00:14:09,223 --> 00:14:12,393 What's new with you, Dummy? 340 00:14:12,493 --> 00:14:15,096 Well, Mr. Cooley, I'm in love. 341 00:14:15,196 --> 00:14:16,430 How could you be in love? 342 00:14:16,530 --> 00:14:19,867 You have no poise, no charm, no savoir faire. 343 00:14:19,967 --> 00:14:23,938 On what you pay me I could hardly get carfare. 344 00:14:24,038 --> 00:14:27,041 [laughing] 345 00:14:29,443 --> 00:14:31,879 Now, Dummy, I think you should sing your song. 346 00:14:31,979 --> 00:14:34,448 (SINGING) Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care. 347 00:14:34,548 --> 00:14:36,884 Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care. 348 00:14:36,984 --> 00:14:39,220 Jimmy crack corn-- - Well, Mel, I think-- - (SINGING) and I don't care. 350 00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:40,454 I think we prob-- 351 00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:44,492 we get the general idea, I think. 352 00:14:44,592 --> 00:14:47,294 Oh, well, thank you, Rob. Thank you, Rob. 353 00:14:47,394 --> 00:14:50,264 [laughs] Well, what about it? 354 00:14:50,364 --> 00:14:55,703 Well, it's-- that's very funny, Mel. 355 00:14:55,803 --> 00:14:58,806 Of course, you-- you realize your lips move a little bit. 356 00:14:58,906 --> 00:15:02,042 Well, they're-- they're better than they used to be. 357 00:15:02,143 --> 00:15:03,911 What about it? Can we be in the show? 358 00:15:04,011 --> 00:15:05,312 Well, Buddy, what do you think? 359 00:15:05,412 --> 00:15:07,314 Maybe in the medicine-- medicine show. 360 00:15:07,414 --> 00:15:08,616 The medicine show is perfect. 361 00:15:08,716 --> 00:15:10,985 When he gets through, everybody'd be sick. 362 00:15:11,085 --> 00:15:11,819 I'll tell you what, Mel. 363 00:15:11,919 --> 00:15:13,120 We'll discuss it a little later. 364 00:15:19,093 --> 00:15:23,430 OK, everybody. We got to move on here. 365 00:15:23,531 --> 00:15:24,665 Things are going a little slow. 366 00:15:24,765 --> 00:15:26,233 Anybody else now? Let's step right up. 367 00:15:26,333 --> 00:15:28,169 Pardon me. My name is Howard Lebost. 368 00:15:28,269 --> 00:15:30,070 I'm your new neighbor. Oh, darling. 369 00:15:30,171 --> 00:15:31,472 I didn't introduce you. 370 00:15:31,572 --> 00:15:32,773 Mr. Lebost is the new English teacher at school. 371 00:15:32,873 --> 00:15:35,576 The children love your class. Thank you. 372 00:15:35,676 --> 00:15:37,411 This is my wife, Anita. Oh, I see. 373 00:15:37,511 --> 00:15:38,612 What do you do, Howard? 374 00:15:38,712 --> 00:15:39,680 Well, actually, I don't do anything. 375 00:15:39,780 --> 00:15:41,115 My wife has all the talent. 376 00:15:41,215 --> 00:15:43,551 I mean she sings a little and dances a little. 377 00:15:43,651 --> 00:15:45,219 But she speaks very little English. 378 00:15:45,319 --> 00:15:47,521 She's from Mexico. Oh, I see. 379 00:15:47,621 --> 00:15:48,856 Well, we're very happy to have you with us, Anita. 380 00:15:48,956 --> 00:15:54,161 OK. Would you like to audition? Como? 381 00:15:54,261 --> 00:15:56,096 [speaking spanish] 382 00:16:01,969 --> 00:16:04,738 She said that your wife is just so good. 383 00:16:04,839 --> 00:16:07,842 She'd rather not even try. Nonsense. 384 00:16:07,942 --> 00:16:11,946 This is a community affair, and everyone's going to audition and let the best girl win. 386 00:16:12,046 --> 00:16:17,918 There, didn't I tell you the bigger they are, the nicer they are? Please, Anita. 388 00:16:18,018 --> 00:16:18,853 All right, Anita. 389 00:16:18,953 --> 00:16:20,187 You may go ahead and do your dance. 390 00:16:20,287 --> 00:16:21,856 [speaking spanish] 391 00:16:22,256 --> 00:16:23,023 OK. 392 00:16:27,294 --> 00:16:31,632 (SINGING) Heavens above you all know that I love you. 393 00:16:31,732 --> 00:16:35,703 They rival your beauty, my darling. 394 00:16:35,803 --> 00:16:42,910 I wait till the day, dear, when I can hear you say, dear. 395 00:16:43,010 --> 00:16:46,647 [scatting] 396 00:16:50,684 --> 00:16:57,992 Aye, aye, aye, aye. [singing in spanish] 397 00:17:32,359 --> 00:17:40,000 Aye, aye, aye, aye. [singing in spanish] 398 00:17:46,974 --> 00:17:50,744 [scatting] 399 00:17:56,216 --> 00:18:02,189 Olé. [applause] 400 00:18:09,363 --> 00:18:10,598 - Thank you, and good night. - Good night. 401 00:18:10,698 --> 00:18:13,567 Buenos noches. Hasta luego. ANITA: OK. 402 00:18:13,667 --> 00:18:19,673 FREDDY: Bye bye. [chuckles] 403 00:18:19,773 --> 00:18:26,347 (SINGING) Aye, aye, aye, aye. [humming] 404 00:18:37,291 --> 00:18:40,661 Turns like that. Let's see. 405 00:18:40,761 --> 00:18:45,165 And then I'll do a-- I'll do a foot to foot. 406 00:18:45,265 --> 00:18:47,835 Turn like that. And a big turn. 407 00:18:47,935 --> 00:18:52,573 And look like that. This darn carpet. 408 00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:54,541 Can't dance on it. 409 00:18:54,641 --> 00:18:56,143 Oh, wait. Another big turn. 410 00:18:56,243 --> 00:18:57,311 A big finish there. 411 00:18:57,411 --> 00:18:59,947 And then you land on your drum. 412 00:19:00,047 --> 00:19:02,249 Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. 413 00:19:06,620 --> 00:19:10,824 She was very good. Who? Oh, yeah. 414 00:19:10,924 --> 00:19:12,960 Yeah, she-- she had something. 415 00:19:13,060 --> 00:19:16,130 Everyone just stood right up and cheered. 416 00:19:16,230 --> 00:19:17,331 She was marvelous. 417 00:19:17,431 --> 00:19:23,237 Oh, honey, I think it was just their way of making a stranger from a foreign land feel welcome. 419 00:19:23,337 --> 00:19:27,341 Kind of part of our exchange applause system. 420 00:19:27,441 --> 00:19:29,810 Rob, why don't you just come out and admit it? 421 00:19:29,910 --> 00:19:32,246 She was very, very good. All right. 422 00:19:32,346 --> 00:19:33,714 She was fantastic. 423 00:19:33,814 --> 00:19:35,983 Well, you know, for what she does there. 424 00:19:36,083 --> 00:19:37,484 Well, what does that mean? 425 00:19:37,584 --> 00:19:42,523 Well, honey, it just means that the whole thing is-- it's just a trick. That's all. A trick? 427 00:19:42,623 --> 00:19:45,025 Well, yeah, she fooled everybody, honey. 428 00:19:45,125 --> 00:19:49,029 You come out and sing great and dance great, people are going to think you're talented. 430 00:19:53,300 --> 00:19:55,703 She didn't fool me though, not for one minute. 431 00:19:55,803 --> 00:19:57,638 I saw through it. 432 00:19:57,738 --> 00:20:01,942 You take away all that fabulous dancing, all that great singing. What is there left? 434 00:20:02,042 --> 00:20:05,746 Nothing but that haunting beauty. 435 00:20:05,846 --> 00:20:06,914 All right, Rob. All right. 436 00:20:07,014 --> 00:20:08,382 Finished. The end. 437 00:20:08,482 --> 00:20:10,451 Now, you're going to have to start facing the issue. 438 00:20:10,551 --> 00:20:11,718 You have a decision to make. 439 00:20:11,819 --> 00:20:16,957 You've got to decide whether Anita or I will be the Gold Rush Girl. - Mhm. Mhm. 441 00:20:17,057 --> 00:20:18,225 That's just what I've been wanting to avoid. 442 00:20:18,325 --> 00:20:20,094 Now, I told you I didn't want this job. 443 00:20:20,194 --> 00:20:21,462 Look, Rob. 444 00:20:21,562 --> 00:20:24,631 You don't have to answer to anyone but your own conscience and integrity. 446 00:20:24,732 --> 00:20:29,103 Now, I do want this part, but not at the expense of your conscience and integrity. 448 00:20:29,203 --> 00:20:30,204 Mhm. 449 00:20:30,304 --> 00:20:33,073 Well, you've just been a great help to me. 450 00:20:33,173 --> 00:20:34,742 As I see it, I have two choices. 451 00:20:34,842 --> 00:20:35,943 That's right. 452 00:20:36,043 --> 00:20:39,079 Either you or separate maintenance. 453 00:20:41,648 --> 00:20:44,451 Just do what you think is right. 454 00:20:44,551 --> 00:20:45,853 What do you think is right? 455 00:20:45,953 --> 00:20:47,621 Never mind what I think. 456 00:20:47,721 --> 00:20:49,323 What do you think? You're the director. 457 00:20:49,423 --> 00:20:50,090 You make the decisions. 458 00:20:50,190 --> 00:20:51,892 Now, who's it going to be? 459 00:20:51,992 --> 00:20:54,862 I guess there's only one thing for me to do. 460 00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:57,364 You know what you're going to do? Oh, yes. 461 00:20:57,464 --> 00:20:58,665 - Well, what? - What? 462 00:20:58,765 --> 00:21:00,000 You don't want me to play favoritism, do you? 463 00:21:00,100 --> 00:21:01,735 No. What are you going to do? 464 00:21:01,835 --> 00:21:05,038 You'll find out when everybody else does when I posted on the bulletin board. 466 00:21:05,139 --> 00:21:07,941 So does that mean you're not going to tell me? 467 00:21:08,041 --> 00:21:11,478 Rob, you better tell me. OK. 468 00:21:11,578 --> 00:21:12,880 We're going to have a full dress rehearsal of the show now. 469 00:21:12,980 --> 00:21:14,181 Oh, listen, kids. 470 00:21:14,281 --> 00:21:16,650 You'll have to move back because we're going to use the whole living room. 472 00:21:16,750 --> 00:21:17,518 All the way back to the window seats. 473 00:21:17,618 --> 00:21:19,153 That's it. Fine. OK. 474 00:21:19,253 --> 00:21:20,487 Buddy, you all set for the orchestra? 475 00:21:20,587 --> 00:21:22,623 - All set, Jere. - OK. We'll start now. 476 00:21:22,723 --> 00:21:24,892 [clears throat] Um. 477 00:21:24,992 --> 00:21:27,194 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, the New Rochelle 478 00:21:27,294 --> 00:21:32,299 Parents Council proudly presents the Broadway Gold Rush Twins. 479 00:21:32,399 --> 00:21:36,870 (SINGING) Doo doodle-doo doodle-doo, doodle doodle-oo-dee-oo. 481 00:21:36,970 --> 00:21:41,275 BOTH: Doo doodle-doo doodle-doo doodle-oo-dee-oo. 482 00:21:41,375 --> 00:21:44,711 ALL: Doo doodle-doo doodle-doo doodle-oo-dee-oo doo. 483 00:21:44,812 --> 00:21:47,047 Doo. BOTH: Why don't you join the group? 484 00:21:47,147 --> 00:21:48,882 It's better than being a party poop. 485 00:21:48,982 --> 00:21:51,585 Doo doo, doo, doo, doo. BOTH: Obligato. 486 00:21:51,685 --> 00:21:55,455 Pizzicato. Guy Lombardo. 487 00:21:55,556 --> 00:22:01,762 It's the craziest when you noodle with a doodling song. 488 00:22:01,862 --> 00:22:03,197 ALL: Two, three, four. 489 00:22:03,297 --> 00:22:05,666 Like it so much I'll doodle some more. 490 00:22:05,766 --> 00:22:09,937 Little softer Perry Como. 491 00:22:10,037 --> 00:22:13,841 Even softer, pianissimo. 492 00:22:13,941 --> 00:22:17,978 Say you love me with a doodling song. 493 00:22:18,078 --> 00:22:21,982 B-C-D, ooh, what you doodle-do to me. 494 00:22:22,082 --> 00:22:25,953 Say you love me. Really love me. 495 00:22:26,053 --> 00:22:32,092 Say you love me true. Say you love me. 496 00:22:32,192 --> 00:22:35,729 Please believe me when you do. 497 00:22:35,829 --> 00:22:40,467 That makes two-dle. Go together. 498 00:22:40,567 --> 00:22:42,169 Bet your boodle. 499 00:22:42,269 --> 00:22:46,340 Like the apples in the strudel do. 500 00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:50,611 When you noodle with a doodling song. 501 00:22:50,711 --> 00:22:55,515 What you call a real ball. Doo doodle-doo. 502 00:22:55,616 --> 00:22:58,285 Doodle-doo. Doodle doodle-dee-doo. 503 00:22:58,385 --> 00:23:02,422 Doo doodle-doo. doodle-doo. I love you. 504 00:23:02,522 --> 00:23:04,891 Doo doodle-doo. Doodle-doo. 505 00:23:04,992 --> 00:23:06,393 Doodle Doodle-doo. 506 00:23:10,898 --> 00:23:15,002 Here we go now. Bet your boodle. 507 00:23:15,102 --> 00:23:19,006 Like the apples in the strudel do. 508 00:23:19,106 --> 00:23:23,410 When we oodle with a doodling song. 509 00:23:23,510 --> 00:23:26,513 All through. Thank you. 510 00:23:35,188 --> 00:23:39,359 [interposing voices] 511 00:23:46,433 --> 00:23:49,836 Children, children, it was a triumph, children. 512 00:23:49,937 --> 00:23:51,104 An absolute triumph. 513 00:23:51,204 --> 00:23:52,439 Hey, I want to tell you something, Rob. 514 00:23:52,539 --> 00:23:58,312 I'm so choked up about that Parents Council, I'm going out tomorrow and rent a kid. 516 00:23:58,412 --> 00:24:00,213 Say, how did we do at the box office anyway? 517 00:24:00,314 --> 00:24:05,886 Well, I am very proud to announce that this was our greatest year. Oh. Hey. 519 00:24:05,986 --> 00:24:08,855 We only lost $75. 520 00:24:08,956 --> 00:24:12,659 Oh, Mr. Petrie, could I ask you a rather unusual favor? 521 00:24:12,759 --> 00:24:13,994 What is it, Mrs. Billings? 522 00:24:14,094 --> 00:24:20,867 Well, as a souvenir of this memorable occasion, could I have your autograph? My autograph? 524 00:24:20,967 --> 00:24:23,003 Go on, Rob. Do it. 525 00:24:26,473 --> 00:24:29,176 Oh. Isn't that nice? Oh, thank you. 526 00:24:29,276 --> 00:24:31,745 There you are, my dear. Well, that does it. 527 00:24:31,845 --> 00:24:37,884 Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Petrie has just signed to do our show for next year. 529 00:24:37,985 --> 00:24:39,119 She did it again. 530 00:24:43,757 --> 00:24:47,461 [theme music] 37095

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