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[MUSIC - THEME, "THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW"]
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The Dick Van Dyke Show.
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Starring Dick Van Dyke.
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Rosemary, Morey Amsterdam, Larry Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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I'll close now Mrs. Petrie.
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All fixed.
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Just think, at this very moment the mighty Niagara,
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harnessed to giant generators, its energy
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racing along 400 miles of copper wire, just to heat our toaster.
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All we have to do is wait.
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Don't we have to plug it in?
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You'd think that 400 mile running start, it could jump
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the last two feet by itself.
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Well, be any minute now, honey.
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You don't worry about buying a new toaster.
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Good.
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Now, what color do you like your toast?
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Honey gold or maybe cocoa tan?
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How about cordovan brown.
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Rob, look.
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Rob!
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That's a nice shade.
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Basic black.
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If you hadn't made me plug it in,
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this would never have happened.
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Well, dear, I'll leave you to work it out by yourself.
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I'm going shopping.
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[doorbell]
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Oh, hi, Laura.
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Hi, Jerry.
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Hi, Rob.
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Hi, Jer.
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She burned the toast.
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Just returning your projector.
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Oh, how did it work?
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Well, not so good, there's something wrong with it.
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It overheats and the film smokes and burns.
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It overheats the film?
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I'll have to fix it.
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Sounds like you already did.
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If Thomas Edison was married to her,
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we'd still be using candles.
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Rob, when are you going to get a new projector?
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Just as soon as I can afford one.
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When are you going to get one?
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[inaudible] borrow yours until you get a new one.
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Why don't you borrow a toaster?
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Oh, darling, looks like I'll need an extra $20.
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I'm not-- what did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?
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I gave every to a little old tramp who came to the back door
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delivering our groceries.
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Why do you ask me what I did the money you gave me yesterday?
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It was just for Jerry's benefit.
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I don't want him to think I'm a pushover.
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Hurt my image.
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Wouldn't want to do that.
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Bye, darling. - Bye.
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Bye, Jerry.
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JERRY: Bye, Laura.
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You know something?
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She is good with money.
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When it comes to finances, she's a pretty good--
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ah-- ah--ah--
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Oh, here, Rob, here.
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Ah-- I can't use that, it's monogrammed.
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I can't blow on your family crest.
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Hey, hey!
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Oh, sorry, Jerry.
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Oh, I can't-- ah--
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ah-- ah!
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Ah-- ah-- ah-choo!
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I almost made it.
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You all right?
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It was just a sneeze.
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It must have been a beaut to blow
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off your socks and underwear.
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Oh here, let me help you, Rob.
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Oh.
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Hey, what's this?
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One of the Laura's gloves.
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Don't you think she going a little heavy on the starch.
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What's inside?
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I don't know, but it's not a human hand.
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I mean at least, not life as we know it now.
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Must be something that Laura's hiding, huh?
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Come on, Laura is not a hider.
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Hey, it's a bankbook.
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Mrs. Laura Petrie.
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Isn't that cute, she's got a little nest egg of her own.
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Cute.
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You really think that's cute, huh?
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So she has a few dollars in a little private bank account.
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How much could it be?
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OK, OK, how much.
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Well, you've got to look, it can't be more
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than just a little pittance.
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$378.
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A little pittance.
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So she has a big pittance.
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Pittance.
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Maybe she's just setting aside a little for a rainy day.
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$378?
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Boy, that's enough for the monsoon season.
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Now a lot of wives put aside little for a rainy day.
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What's wrong with that?
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Well, nothing.
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But why is the money just in her name?
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I mean, listen, if it rains, doesn't she
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care if you get wet?
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All we need now is a brilliant, sensational,
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hilarious comedy sketch.
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Are you ready?
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I told you he was here.
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You know what would be a cute idea for a sketch?
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Allen plays a part of a husband who accidentally
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finds his wife's checkbook.
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What do you mean?
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Well, I mean, she's got a private bank account
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she's socking money into.
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Oh, and he don't know anything about it.
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Yeah, and she's got like $378.16 in there.
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Hey, a sketch like this could be a wild.
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Guy like that got to be an idiot.
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Yeah, a real schnook.
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Well, no.
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Why couldn't the guy just be a plain, normal,
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intelligent, strikingly handsome young fellow
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with a wife named Laura.
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Oh, and maybe the schnooks name is Robert Petrie?
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That's a good name.
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Rob, you mean Laura's been stashing
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it away without your knowledge?
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Isn't that cute?
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Yes.
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Cute and adorable.
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I don't know.
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But women do silly things like that.
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For years my wife kept throwing quarters into a cookie jar.
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Drove me nuts.
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Finally I found out what she was saving for.
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What was it?
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BOTH: Cookies.
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She didn't save any $378, though.
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What do you think Laura is stashing away for?
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I don't know.
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It could be cookies.
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Everything's gone up.
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Well, anyway, it's her business.
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It's not really important.
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I think in the sketch, Alan--
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Wait a minute.
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Maybe it's just plain old mad money.
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- Mad money? - Yeah, you know.
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In case she gets mad at you, then she can take the money,
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get a new house, buy a new car, get a new fella.
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For $378?
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So she'll get an old fellow.
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You know, you guys are joking, but
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there's one aspect of this whole silly thing that intrigues me.
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You mean the fact that Laura's keeping a secret from you?
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No, that doesn't bother me.
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It's just the fact that she's keeping it a secret from me.
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That bothers me.
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Doesn't the fact that she's keeping it a secret bother you?
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No, I don't worry about things like that.
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If I were you I'd worry about my hearing, friend.
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Huh?
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Rob, snap out of it.
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You're beginning to sound like a guy who's
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wife's ready to leave him.
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Oh, come on.
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I'm not worried.
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It's just, I can't figure out why she's keeping
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the account secret from me.
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Well, she's kept secrets from you before, hasn't she?
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No, this is the first one.
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You mean the first one you found out about.
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Come on, what are you trying to do?
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Break up Rob and Laura?
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It's more fun than writing this sketch.
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You know, she probably has a good reason for keeping
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that secret from me, though.
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Hey, have you said or done anything lately
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to make her feel insecure?
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Like what?
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Well, I don't know.
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Like forgetting an anniversary or birthday or something?
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Oh, no, as a matter of fact, I bought
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her a beautiful present for--
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my birthday.
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You bought her a present for your birthday?
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Boy, I bet she loved that.
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No, tomorrow is my birthday.
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BOTH: Oh.
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We get the hint, Rob.
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Yeah, we'll get you something, Rob.
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She's probably been saving that money to buy me a present.
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$378?
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Boy, that's a lot of present.
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Hey, you've been hinting around for something big?
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No, nothing I can think of.
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Wait a minute.
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I bet she's going to get me that movie projector
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I've been spouting off about.
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But it cost $425.
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Well, that's it.
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That solves your problem.
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Yeah, now the only one with the problem is Laura.
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Let's see, she needs $425, she has $378.
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That means she needs--
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what does she need?
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$47.
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Oh, yeah, $47.
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Tell you something, Rob, if she's anything like my wife,
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she'll figure out a way to get that money.
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[buzzer]
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Yeah, Marge.
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Yes, send her in.
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Laura's here.
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I told you.
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Already she figured out a way how to get that loot.
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Hi, everyone.
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Oh hi, Laura, nice to see you.
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Thank you, nice to see you.
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Well, we'll leave you two alone in case
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you want to kiss or something like that.
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Let's get a cup of coffee.
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No, I want to stay.
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I never saw a real hold up before.
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See you later.
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Be back in a few dollars.
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Bye.
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Back in a few dollars?
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What does that mean?
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He means that time is money.
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- Oh. - You came clear downtown.
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I was just in the neighborhood shopping,
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I thought I'd come in and say hello.
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Oh, hello.
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Hello.
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Honey, you know, I've been thinking.
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I didn't give you very much extra money this morning.
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And you know when I left, I noticed that you ought
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to have the toaster fixed. You think so?
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Good idea.
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OK.
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And, oh, you know, Richie's underwear
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has been ragged lately.
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I've been meaning to get him some new shorts.
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Oh, good. Good.
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Oh, and we were out of peanut butter this morning.
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Would you get some more peanut butter?
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- Yes, I would. - OK.
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Let's see, that's underwear, peanut butter,
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and the toaster-- do you think that would come to,
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oh, I don't know, around say $47?
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$47?
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Yeah.
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I tell you what.
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I'll put in an extra $10 you get the leather case, too.
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Can't carry peanut butter and underwear around
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in a plain paper bag, can you?
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Darling, what makes you so generous today?
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Oh, well, the way I look at it, the more you give,
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the more you receive.
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I guess so, dear.
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Well, I better finish my shopping.
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Bye-bye.
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00:10:05,551 --> 00:10:06,685
Oops.
270
00:10:06,785 --> 00:10:08,320
No, no, I'm just leaving. Bye darling.
271
00:10:08,420 --> 00:10:09,389
- Bye. - Bye, Laura.
272
00:10:09,489 --> 00:10:10,390
- Bye-bye. - Happy shopping.
273
00:10:10,490 --> 00:10:12,959
Thank you.
274
00:10:13,059 --> 00:10:14,494
Well, Rob?
275
00:10:14,594 --> 00:10:15,796
New projector.
276
00:10:23,238 --> 00:10:24,406
Hi, honey.
277
00:10:24,506 --> 00:10:26,508
Darling.
278
00:10:26,608 --> 00:10:27,543
You're home early.
279
00:10:27,644 --> 00:10:29,445
Well, I had a good day.
280
00:10:29,546 --> 00:10:31,281
How'd your day go? - Just fine.
281
00:10:31,381 --> 00:10:32,282
Kind of tired, though.
282
00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:33,684
Shopping does wear you out.
283
00:10:33,784 --> 00:10:35,653
Yeah, but I guess the important thing is
284
00:10:35,753 --> 00:10:36,954
getting what you wanted, right?
285
00:10:37,054 --> 00:10:38,088
Right.
286
00:10:38,188 --> 00:10:40,325
Did you get the peanut butter and the underwear
287
00:10:40,425 --> 00:10:41,259
and et cetera?
288
00:10:41,359 --> 00:10:42,561
Uh-huh.
289
00:10:42,661 --> 00:10:43,595
Dinners on a bit early, if that's all right.
290
00:10:43,695 --> 00:10:44,629
Oh, yeah, fine.
291
00:10:44,729 --> 00:10:46,232
I'll hang up my hat.
292
00:11:07,056 --> 00:11:10,393
Oh boy, you got a lot of mail today.
293
00:11:10,493 --> 00:11:11,394
That one's my brother.
294
00:11:11,494 --> 00:11:13,463
Yes.
295
00:11:13,563 --> 00:11:14,898
What's for dinner?
296
00:11:14,998 --> 00:11:17,001
Roast chicken, mashed potatoes, and string beans.
297
00:11:17,101 --> 00:11:18,035
Mm.
298
00:11:35,322 --> 00:11:36,223
Roast chicken, huh?
299
00:11:44,566 --> 00:11:45,568
And apple pie for dessert.
300
00:11:45,668 --> 00:11:46,802
Oh.
301
00:12:00,018 --> 00:12:02,153
Everything sure smells good.
302
00:12:02,253 --> 00:12:03,789
LAURA: What did you say, darling?
303
00:12:03,889 --> 00:12:08,027
I said everything sure smells wonderful, all right.
304
00:12:19,940 --> 00:12:22,110
It smells so good I can smell it down here.
305
00:12:25,714 --> 00:12:27,417
Rob, what are you looking for?
306
00:12:27,517 --> 00:12:28,584
Oh, I--
307
00:12:28,685 --> 00:12:31,354
I dropped my tie clip down there.
308
00:12:31,454 --> 00:12:32,588
I can't find it.
309
00:12:32,688 --> 00:12:33,557
You need any help, honey?
310
00:12:33,657 --> 00:12:35,192
No, no. You hungry?
311
00:12:35,292 --> 00:12:36,260
Oh, sure, sure.
312
00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:37,494
Well, we'll be ready in a few minutes.
313
00:12:37,594 --> 00:12:38,495
OK.
314
00:13:00,321 --> 00:13:01,222
Rob?
315
00:13:07,529 --> 00:13:08,564
Hi.
316
00:13:08,664 --> 00:13:10,200
Still looking for your tie clip?
317
00:13:10,300 --> 00:13:15,473
Yeah, I-- it could have bounced.
318
00:13:15,573 --> 00:13:20,211
They got those rubber mats under the carpet, like that.
319
00:13:20,311 --> 00:13:21,146
Wasn't up there.
320
00:13:21,246 --> 00:13:21,980
No.
321
00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:23,181
Darling, you can stop looking.
322
00:13:23,281 --> 00:13:24,816
Your birthday's tomorrow, and you're not
323
00:13:24,916 --> 00:13:26,284
getting your present till then.
324
00:13:26,384 --> 00:13:28,654
My birthday?
325
00:13:28,754 --> 00:13:29,755
You hadn't mentioned that, I would
326
00:13:29,856 --> 00:13:31,023
have completely forgotten it.
327
00:13:33,527 --> 00:13:37,297
Anyway, I guess I'm a little old to be celebrating birthdays,
328
00:13:37,397 --> 00:13:39,434
anyway, right?
329
00:13:39,534 --> 00:13:40,702
Hi, Daddy!
330
00:13:40,802 --> 00:13:42,637
Oh, hi Rich.
331
00:13:42,737 --> 00:13:45,174
It's not in there, either.
332
00:13:45,274 --> 00:13:48,377
I know that.
333
00:13:48,477 --> 00:13:49,478
I'm just kidding your mama.
334
00:13:49,578 --> 00:13:50,880
Rob, really.
335
00:13:50,981 --> 00:13:52,782
Look, before you turn the whole house upside down,
336
00:13:52,883 --> 00:13:54,351
I'll give you your present ahead of time.
337
00:13:54,451 --> 00:13:57,822
Well, gee, I was born right after midnight, anyway, honey.
338
00:13:57,922 --> 00:13:59,157
It's practically today.
339
00:13:59,257 --> 00:14:00,958
Richie, why don't you get your present, too?
340
00:14:01,058 --> 00:14:02,193
RICHIE: OK, Mommy.
341
00:14:05,831 --> 00:14:08,367
[doorbell]
342
00:14:09,202 --> 00:14:10,370
- Oh, hi, Rob. - Hi, Jerry.
343
00:14:10,470 --> 00:14:11,704
Say, can I borrow your projector again?
344
00:14:11,804 --> 00:14:12,705
Sure.
345
00:14:12,805 --> 00:14:14,942
When do you need it back?
346
00:14:15,042 --> 00:14:16,110
You may keep it, sir.
347
00:14:16,210 --> 00:14:17,144
I'll make a present of it to you.
348
00:14:17,244 --> 00:14:18,746
Well, thanks, but how come?
349
00:14:18,846 --> 00:14:20,548
I'm getting a new one for my birthday, now get out of here.
350
00:14:20,648 --> 00:14:21,816
Why, what's the rush?
351
00:14:21,917 --> 00:14:22,817
I am in the middle of being surprised.
352
00:14:22,918 --> 00:14:24,319
OK. Happy birthday.
353
00:14:24,419 --> 00:14:25,353
Thank you.
354
00:14:28,691 --> 00:14:32,328
(SINGING) You ought to be a picture,
355
00:14:32,428 --> 00:14:34,498
you're beautiful to see.
356
00:14:34,598 --> 00:14:36,767
You ought to be a picture.
357
00:14:36,867 --> 00:14:39,404
My starry, starry.
358
00:14:39,504 --> 00:14:41,706
Happy birthday, Dad!
359
00:14:41,806 --> 00:14:43,908
Oh, thank you, Rich.
360
00:14:44,008 --> 00:14:45,945
It cost me a fortune.
361
00:14:46,045 --> 00:14:47,046
I'll bet it did.
362
00:14:47,146 --> 00:14:48,747
It's very sweet of you, Rich.
363
00:14:48,848 --> 00:14:50,749
That's OK, Daddy.
364
00:14:50,850 --> 00:14:55,422
You're worth $0.89.
365
00:14:55,522 --> 00:14:56,857
What is this?
366
00:14:56,958 --> 00:14:57,792
Oh, boy.
367
00:14:57,892 --> 00:14:59,060
A baseball cap.
368
00:15:01,896 --> 00:15:02,898
It's almost my size.
369
00:15:02,998 --> 00:15:04,299
My size.
370
00:15:04,399 --> 00:15:05,667
It is?
371
00:15:05,767 --> 00:15:07,202
OK, let's see.
372
00:15:07,302 --> 00:15:09,305
Well, good, maybe you can wear it once in a while, too.
373
00:15:09,405 --> 00:15:10,006
Huh?
374
00:15:10,106 --> 00:15:11,908
Gee, thanks, Daddy.
375
00:15:19,416 --> 00:15:21,186
Darling, what are you doing with the cord?
376
00:15:23,688 --> 00:15:25,624
Oh, this cord?
377
00:15:25,724 --> 00:15:26,791
Yes.
378
00:15:26,892 --> 00:15:28,060
Well--
379
00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:30,096
Rob, what did you think I was giving you?
380
00:15:30,196 --> 00:15:32,365
A electric blanket?
381
00:15:34,935 --> 00:15:36,637
It's a cashmere sports shirt.
382
00:15:36,737 --> 00:15:37,571
Oh.
383
00:15:37,671 --> 00:15:38,805
It's not electric, huh?
384
00:15:38,906 --> 00:15:39,974
No.
385
00:15:40,074 --> 00:15:41,943
It's one of the old fashioned kind.
386
00:15:42,043 --> 00:15:44,212
I won't need that anymore, I guess.
387
00:15:44,312 --> 00:15:45,581
Happy birthday, darling.
388
00:15:45,681 --> 00:15:46,715
Oh, honey, thanks.
389
00:15:49,418 --> 00:15:53,923
Gee, this is really sweet of you.
390
00:15:54,024 --> 00:15:54,991
Well, is it a surprise?
391
00:15:55,091 --> 00:15:56,526
Why, it sure is, honey.
392
00:15:56,626 --> 00:15:57,561
Hey.
393
00:16:01,332 --> 00:16:03,869
Honey, I'll be right back.
394
00:16:03,969 --> 00:16:04,970
Where are you going?
395
00:16:05,070 --> 00:16:05,937
Jerry wants to see me.
396
00:16:06,038 --> 00:16:07,339
LAURA: What's up?
397
00:16:07,439 --> 00:16:09,909
I mean, I got to get my old sports shirt back.
398
00:16:10,009 --> 00:16:11,277
No, he wants to see my new one.
399
00:16:11,377 --> 00:16:13,713
He wants to see the new one.
400
00:16:13,813 --> 00:16:16,817
Gee, I'm so excited, I don't know what I'm saying.
401
00:16:16,917 --> 00:16:19,853
Oh boy, a new cashier projector.
402
00:16:19,953 --> 00:16:21,122
Sports shirt.
403
00:16:25,327 --> 00:16:27,297
Hey Rob's gonna love this boy.
404
00:16:27,397 --> 00:16:28,965
Buddy, set it up over there.
405
00:16:29,065 --> 00:16:30,333
He'll be here any minute. [buzzer]
406
00:16:30,433 --> 00:16:31,234
I'll get it.
407
00:16:31,334 --> 00:16:33,170
Good.
408
00:16:33,270 --> 00:16:34,205
Hello?
409
00:16:34,305 --> 00:16:35,406
Yeah, OK, Marge, thanks.
410
00:16:35,506 --> 00:16:37,007
He's here.
411
00:16:37,107 --> 00:16:38,844
Well, I think when a fellow comes in he
412
00:16:38,944 --> 00:16:40,011
should give Alan a funny hat.
413
00:16:40,111 --> 00:16:40,946
Hi, fellas.
414
00:16:41,046 --> 00:16:42,113
And, hi, Rob.
415
00:16:42,214 --> 00:16:43,014
Yeah, it's good.
416
00:16:43,114 --> 00:16:45,751
And you see--
417
00:16:45,852 --> 00:16:47,119
BOTH: Happy birthday!
418
00:16:47,220 --> 00:16:48,120
Ta-da!
419
00:16:51,525 --> 00:16:53,360
Hey, what is this?
420
00:16:53,460 --> 00:16:54,628
A little something for a birthday
421
00:16:54,728 --> 00:16:55,896
present, from me and Sally.
422
00:16:55,996 --> 00:16:56,631
Oh.
423
00:16:56,731 --> 00:16:58,733
Boy, a movie screen?
424
00:16:58,833 --> 00:17:02,505
No, it's a pair of Hungarian shoelaces.
425
00:17:02,605 --> 00:17:04,173
Of course it's a movie screen.
426
00:17:04,273 --> 00:17:07,176
Yeah, Rob, it's a new one to go with your new projector.
427
00:17:07,276 --> 00:17:08,278
Yeah, boy.
428
00:17:08,378 --> 00:17:09,479
That's-- that's really great.
429
00:17:09,579 --> 00:17:10,914
It's got kind of a set, you know.
430
00:17:11,014 --> 00:17:11,648
Like it?
431
00:17:11,748 --> 00:17:12,549
Yeah, I love it.
432
00:17:12,649 --> 00:17:13,516
It's marvelous.
433
00:17:13,617 --> 00:17:15,386
It sure is a beauty.
434
00:17:15,486 --> 00:17:16,787
You shouldn't have done it.
435
00:17:16,888 --> 00:17:19,824
I have to take it home with me.
436
00:17:19,924 --> 00:17:22,027
Well, we better get down to work, fellas.
437
00:17:22,127 --> 00:17:23,395
Hey, beauty isn't it?
438
00:17:23,495 --> 00:17:24,630
Yeah, love it.
439
00:17:24,730 --> 00:17:27,133
Could take the price tag off.
440
00:17:27,233 --> 00:17:28,067
I ain't ashamed.
441
00:17:28,167 --> 00:17:29,068
We paid retail.
442
00:17:31,905 --> 00:17:34,608
Rob, did you act real surprised when
443
00:17:34,708 --> 00:17:36,744
Laura gave you the projector?
444
00:17:36,844 --> 00:17:40,916
Well, see, she didn't give me a projector.
445
00:17:41,016 --> 00:17:42,117
She didn't?
446
00:17:42,217 --> 00:17:43,485
No.
447
00:17:43,585 --> 00:17:45,354
She gave me something that she liked a lot more than that.
448
00:17:45,454 --> 00:17:46,289
SALLY: What?
449
00:17:46,389 --> 00:17:48,624
A sport shirt.
450
00:17:48,724 --> 00:17:53,163
A $378 sport shirt?
451
00:17:53,263 --> 00:17:54,231
Well, this was cashmere.
452
00:17:54,331 --> 00:17:55,232
Well.
453
00:17:57,969 --> 00:18:00,471
Look, fellas, can we go to work?
454
00:18:00,572 --> 00:18:01,673
Come on, stop clowning, Rob.
455
00:18:01,773 --> 00:18:03,008
I know Laura.
456
00:18:03,108 --> 00:18:04,343
She got you something more than a sport shirt.
457
00:18:04,443 --> 00:18:06,211
Yeah, what else that you get, Rob?
458
00:18:06,312 --> 00:18:08,615
A baseball cap.
459
00:18:08,715 --> 00:18:13,219
A baseball cap, well, that's more like it.
460
00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:14,588
Richard gave it to me.
461
00:18:14,689 --> 00:18:18,459
Jeez, $378, you'd think with all that dough--
462
00:18:18,559 --> 00:18:19,994
yeah, we better get to work.
463
00:18:20,094 --> 00:18:23,065
Let's go back to-- listen, Rob, the top of the show,
464
00:18:23,165 --> 00:18:24,099
Allan comes in--
465
00:18:24,199 --> 00:18:25,233
I can't work.
466
00:18:25,334 --> 00:18:28,338
Doggone bank accounts going to drive me crazy.
467
00:18:28,438 --> 00:18:29,472
That's it.
468
00:18:29,572 --> 00:18:31,074
What's it?
469
00:18:31,174 --> 00:18:32,843
She wants to drive you crazy, so she can grab all your money
470
00:18:32,943 --> 00:18:34,111
while you're weaving baskets.
471
00:18:36,981 --> 00:18:39,184
Rob, I think buddy was right in the first place.
472
00:18:39,284 --> 00:18:41,820
Could be good old fashioned mad money.
473
00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:46,158
It must be mad money, because that money is making me mad.
474
00:18:46,258 --> 00:18:47,326
Sorry.
475
00:18:47,426 --> 00:18:48,928
Well, it's not the money in the first place.
476
00:18:49,028 --> 00:18:51,732
It's just the fact she's keeping it a secret from me.
477
00:18:51,832 --> 00:18:53,233
Well, it's her money, and it's her secret,
478
00:18:53,333 --> 00:18:54,968
and there's nothing you can do about it.
479
00:18:55,068 --> 00:18:56,036
No?
480
00:18:56,136 --> 00:18:58,006
One can take that bankbook no 656-5696,
481
00:18:58,106 --> 00:18:59,574
wave it under her little nose and ask
482
00:18:59,674 --> 00:19:02,878
her why she thinks she has to have a private bank account.
483
00:19:02,978 --> 00:19:04,580
- Aw, you wouldn't do that. - Oh, no?
484
00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:06,281
Would you like to come home with me and watch?
485
00:19:06,382 --> 00:19:07,549
No, thanks.
486
00:19:07,650 --> 00:19:08,685
My wife and I are planning our own fight.
487
00:19:13,990 --> 00:19:18,996
Rob, why are you pacing around like a caged Tiger?
488
00:19:19,096 --> 00:19:21,099
Let me pace a couple more times and I'll tell you.
489
00:19:29,809 --> 00:19:31,811
All right, what is this?
490
00:19:31,911 --> 00:19:33,647
That's my glove, and what are you doing with it?
491
00:19:33,747 --> 00:19:36,283
I would just like to know why you think it necessary to hide
492
00:19:36,383 --> 00:19:37,618
a bankbook in here?
493
00:19:37,718 --> 00:19:39,487
Rob, how could you?
494
00:19:39,587 --> 00:19:41,456
You looked in my private glove!
495
00:19:43,892 --> 00:19:46,696
This is my own personal property, and you've gone
496
00:19:46,796 --> 00:19:51,601
and-- how could you do such a terrible thing?
497
00:19:51,701 --> 00:19:53,270
How can I?
498
00:19:53,370 --> 00:19:55,605
How can you think so little of our relationship?
499
00:19:55,706 --> 00:19:56,741
Of me?
500
00:19:56,841 --> 00:19:58,276
What has this got to do with that?
501
00:19:58,376 --> 00:20:00,411
I would like to know why you think you have to have
502
00:20:00,511 --> 00:20:02,046
your own private bank account?
503
00:20:02,147 --> 00:20:04,683
Because I do, that's why.
504
00:20:04,783 --> 00:20:06,351
All right, then, the next logical question
505
00:20:06,452 --> 00:20:09,155
is, what is wrong with the money in our joint account?
506
00:20:09,255 --> 00:20:11,491
Well, that's our account, and our money.
507
00:20:11,591 --> 00:20:13,059
This is my money.
508
00:20:13,159 --> 00:20:14,829
Your money?
509
00:20:14,929 --> 00:20:16,997
Yes, Rob, I want some money that's mine.
510
00:20:17,098 --> 00:20:18,766
To spend on anything I want.
511
00:20:18,866 --> 00:20:20,268
It's important to me.
512
00:20:20,368 --> 00:20:22,270
I don't want everything coming from you.
513
00:20:22,370 --> 00:20:26,142
And where did you get this money?
514
00:20:26,242 --> 00:20:28,878
From you.
515
00:20:28,978 --> 00:20:30,379
Well, isn't it all the same thing, then?
516
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,616
Either you get money from me, or you get money
517
00:20:32,716 --> 00:20:35,119
from that, which came from me.
518
00:20:35,219 --> 00:20:39,891
No, Rob, it's completely different.
519
00:20:39,991 --> 00:20:42,227
I put this money in a little at a time.
520
00:20:42,327 --> 00:20:44,897
At first it's from you, but then after it lies around
521
00:20:44,997 --> 00:20:46,799
for a while, I forget that it came from you,
522
00:20:46,899 --> 00:20:50,170
and then it's from me.
523
00:20:50,270 --> 00:20:52,739
Oh, you just don't understand.
524
00:20:52,839 --> 00:20:54,574
Oh, yes, I understand.
525
00:20:54,674 --> 00:20:57,078
You want some money of your own.
526
00:20:57,178 --> 00:20:59,747
What I don't understand is why?
527
00:20:59,847 --> 00:21:00,681
That's it.
528
00:21:00,781 --> 00:21:02,184
That's exactly it.
529
00:21:02,284 --> 00:21:03,318
What's it?
530
00:21:03,418 --> 00:21:06,822
(VOICE BREAKING) You just don't understand.
531
00:21:06,922 --> 00:21:08,658
Oh, boy.
532
00:21:08,758 --> 00:21:11,094
Honey, look, I want to understand,
533
00:21:11,194 --> 00:21:12,795
but you've got to help me a little bit.
534
00:21:12,896 --> 00:21:14,498
Just give me a hint.
535
00:21:14,598 --> 00:21:15,900
[sobbing]
536
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:17,468
The first word.
537
00:21:17,568 --> 00:21:19,336
The first letter.
538
00:21:19,436 --> 00:21:21,706
Honey, please.
539
00:21:21,806 --> 00:21:23,041
All right, I'll tell you.
540
00:21:23,141 --> 00:21:24,876
And then I hope you'll be satisfied that you
541
00:21:24,976 --> 00:21:26,512
just ruined everything.
542
00:21:26,612 --> 00:21:27,980
That money is for you.
543
00:21:30,483 --> 00:21:32,352
But, for me?
544
00:21:32,452 --> 00:21:36,023
I wanted to buy you something for your birthday.
545
00:21:36,123 --> 00:21:38,126
Well, you-- you already bought me something for my birthday.
546
00:21:38,226 --> 00:21:39,594
Don't tell me that shirt cost--
547
00:21:39,694 --> 00:21:43,531
No, this money isn't for now, it's for two or three
548
00:21:43,631 --> 00:21:45,134
or four years from now.
549
00:21:45,234 --> 00:21:48,604
Whatever I saved up enough money to buy you that stupid sports
550
00:21:48,704 --> 00:21:50,373
car you've been drooling over.
551
00:21:50,473 --> 00:21:51,374
A sports car?
552
00:21:51,474 --> 00:21:56,881
Yes, that silly SKG-JFK 400 roadster.
553
00:21:56,981 --> 00:21:59,150
With matching luggage.
554
00:22:08,861 --> 00:22:09,996
Honey.
555
00:22:12,999 --> 00:22:15,069
Honey, you mean you've been saving
556
00:22:15,169 --> 00:22:17,438
this to buy me in SKG-JFK 400?
557
00:22:20,275 --> 00:22:23,745
I wanted to buy you an important present.
558
00:22:23,845 --> 00:22:29,719
An important-- well.
559
00:22:29,819 --> 00:22:30,820
Honey.
560
00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:33,590
Honey, it is a wonderful thought,
561
00:22:33,690 --> 00:22:35,459
but it's a little bit crazy.
562
00:22:35,559 --> 00:22:37,628
Where did you ever get an idea like that?
563
00:22:37,728 --> 00:22:38,630
From my mother.
564
00:22:41,466 --> 00:22:42,634
Your mother?
565
00:22:42,734 --> 00:22:45,704
She saved for years, and then on their 25th wedding
566
00:22:45,804 --> 00:22:50,577
anniversary she bought my father a big important present.
567
00:22:50,677 --> 00:22:51,711
What did she get him?
568
00:22:51,811 --> 00:22:53,113
His own room.
569
00:22:58,919 --> 00:23:00,955
His own room?
570
00:23:01,055 --> 00:23:02,291
Well, I mean a den.
571
00:23:02,391 --> 00:23:05,527
With a pool table and a beer dispenser, and now
572
00:23:05,627 --> 00:23:07,162
you've ruined it.
573
00:23:07,262 --> 00:23:10,500
Oh, honey, no, I haven't ruined it.
574
00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:12,869
Look, all I've done is force you to tell me
575
00:23:12,969 --> 00:23:14,204
something that makes me very, very
576
00:23:14,305 --> 00:23:16,373
happy that I'm married to you.
577
00:23:16,473 --> 00:23:18,309
As a matter of fact, now that I know,
578
00:23:18,409 --> 00:23:20,211
it's going to be a lot easier for you.
579
00:23:20,312 --> 00:23:21,446
How?
580
00:23:21,546 --> 00:23:23,448
Well, from now on, when you ask me for extra money,
581
00:23:23,548 --> 00:23:25,350
I'm gonna be a pretty soft touch.
582
00:23:28,654 --> 00:23:31,257
[sobbing]
583
00:23:31,357 --> 00:23:32,826
Honey, what's the matter?
584
00:23:32,926 --> 00:23:36,897
You're laughing at me!
585
00:23:36,997 --> 00:23:40,068
Look, honey, look, I'm not laughing at you.
586
00:23:40,168 --> 00:23:42,503
Now, the only reason I'm being frivolous is
587
00:23:42,603 --> 00:23:45,307
because I'm so touched and embarrassed by the whole thing,
588
00:23:45,407 --> 00:23:48,811
and if I didn't joke about it, I'd--
589
00:23:48,911 --> 00:23:50,013
You'd what?
590
00:23:50,113 --> 00:23:51,548
I'd probably put my arms around you
591
00:23:51,648 --> 00:23:54,050
and hug you so hard I'd break two or three of your ribs.
592
00:23:54,150 --> 00:23:56,153
Oh, please, try.
593
00:24:04,496 --> 00:24:07,733
Honey, you know, I appreciate what you're trying to do,
594
00:24:07,833 --> 00:24:09,068
and I think it's a wonderful idea,
595
00:24:09,168 --> 00:24:11,104
but we got to look at the thing practically.
596
00:24:11,204 --> 00:24:13,740
It's going to take you 20 years to save
597
00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:15,309
enough money for that car.
598
00:24:15,409 --> 00:24:17,311
Darling, you mean you want me to just forget all about it?
599
00:24:17,411 --> 00:24:18,245
No.
600
00:24:18,345 --> 00:24:19,780
No.
601
00:24:19,881 --> 00:24:20,949
You know what we ought to do?
602
00:24:21,049 --> 00:24:22,150
What?
603
00:24:22,250 --> 00:24:23,752
I think we ought to sell the house
604
00:24:23,852 --> 00:24:26,589
and get the car right away.
605
00:24:26,689 --> 00:24:27,556
Well, what's the rush?
606
00:24:27,656 --> 00:24:29,158
Well, I know when I get the car,
607
00:24:29,258 --> 00:24:30,960
I intend asking you to take a trip with me,
608
00:24:31,060 --> 00:24:32,362
and I'd like to do it when I'm still young.
609
00:24:32,462 --> 00:24:33,630
What's the matter, darling.
610
00:24:33,730 --> 00:24:34,965
Don't you think I'd accept an invitation
611
00:24:35,065 --> 00:24:36,366
from a gray haired old gentleman?
612
00:24:36,466 --> 00:24:37,935
Well, sure you would, but who wants
613
00:24:38,036 --> 00:24:39,804
to roll around the country in a hot sports car with a gray
614
00:24:39,904 --> 00:24:40,838
haired old lady?
615
00:24:45,544 --> 00:24:46,145
Night, darling.
616
00:24:46,245 --> 00:24:47,379
Good night.
617
00:24:50,116 --> 00:24:54,254
[MUSIC - END THEME "THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW"]
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