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[theme music]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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What did you think of the dinner?
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Oh, it was very, uh, filling, nourishing.
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And, uh, good.
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You didn't eat very much of it.
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I'm sorry, honey.
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I've got a financial problem on my mind.
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Well, in that case, you'll be glad to hear
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that this delicious meal cost us $0.87, which I think
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makes it fantastic.
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$0.87?
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Yeah.
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Inexpensive cut of beef, left over string beans,
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cherry wine, a lot of wild herbs.
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You did like it, didn't you?
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Oh, yeah.
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It was the best 87 cent meal I've ever had.
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I got one planned for tomorrow night that I'm hoping
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to bring in for under $0.70.
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Chicken wings, fried rice, pearl onions,
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cream sauce, red radishes, and bread pudding.
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Boy, that sounds cheap.
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Honey, what's with all this bargain basement cooking?
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Bargain basement cooking?
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I call it creative cuisine.
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It's a way of expressing myself.
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And saving money?
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Yeah, that, too.
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Uh-huh.
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Have you, by any chance, been talking to our accountant?
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Well, as a matter of fact, dear, Sidney did call.
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And he said we're way over budget,
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not to spend anything for a while.
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I talked to him today, too.
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He wasn't talking about food.
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He just talking about things.
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[spring bouncing]
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We're not destitute.
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I know.
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But he did say not to buy anything
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we don't absolutely need.
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I even asked him about that broken spring you're fighting.
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He said to let the upholstery go for a while.
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Want some coffee?
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Can we afford it?
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Oh, Rob.
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I don't understand this, honey.
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I make a good living.
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Why is it we always have to cut corners?
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You know, when we were first married,
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we lived in a one room apartment on a lot less.
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Why didn't the money fly out the window then?
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Well, a lot more windows now.
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Cream is twice as expensive.
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Honey, what am I, anyway?
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A failure?
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Oh, good morning.
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Yuck.
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What are you complaining about?
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I was out with Herman Glimcher last night.
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You know something, fellas?
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BUDDY: What?
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I'm a failure.
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What brought you to that happy conclusion?
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I work hard, but I never have any money when I need it.
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So I must be a failure.
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Wait a minute.
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You're the head writer.
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If you're a failure, that would make me an assistant failure.
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And look at me.
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Rob, you're a failure.
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OK.
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What brought this on all of a sudden?
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No, wait. Wait.
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Let me guess.
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Uh, you either had a fight with Laura,
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or you got a curt note from the revenue department.
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Neither one.
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But I had such an argument with myself driving down here,
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I almost blew my top.
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Hey, speaking of blowing your top.
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Ta-da!
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Would you ask Rumpelstiltskin to crawl back up to his loft?
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Rob, our new sponsor is here to meet us.
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New sponsor?
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Yes.
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Darling Products bought half of our show for next season.
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Darling Products?
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Yes, the president wants to meet all the people
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connected with the show.
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What's his name, Mel?
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Jim Darling.
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Jim Darling.
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What kind of a name is that for a president?
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Hey, was he named after the products,
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or were the products named after him?
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Oh, I've seen him, Buddy.
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And the products were named after him.
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Yeah.
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Jim Darling.
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I think I know him.
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Well, of course, you do.
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His picture's been on magazine covers all year.
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I'll bring him in.
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I think I know him personally.
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Really?
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Jim Darling.
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Jim Darling.
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Hey, maybe it was Larry Lovely.
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Hold it, you guys.
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Won't you come in, Mr. Darling?
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These are our writers.
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Hi.
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Miss Sally Rogers.
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Oh, I love your products.
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- I love your attitude. - And this--
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I'm Buddy Sorrell.
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I-- I can't wait to see your name
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at the bottom of my paycheck.
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This is our head writer, Rob Petrie.
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Mr. Petrie.
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Jim Darling.
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Excuse me for staring at you, but I'm sure I know you.
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Well, of course, you do.
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He's one of our nation's most dynamic businessmen.
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That a boy, Mel.
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Keep a simple tongue on his boots.
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You know, I think I know you, too.
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Of course.
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Do you remember a girl named Laura?
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Laura?
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Her last name was Laura Meehan.
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Laura Meehan.
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Oh, yes.
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Oh, yes.
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Uh, you-- do you know Laura?
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Know her?
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Well, you're talking about one of the great memories
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of my life. - I am?
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Uh-huh. Laura Meehan.
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Hmm. What a figure she had.
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You know, if I knew where she was,
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I'd propose to her right on the spot.
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Uh, whatever happened to her?
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Uh, I-- I married her.
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- Really? - Yeah.
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She likes me.
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You lucky dog. Listen.
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Listen.
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Is-- is she still, uh, as attractive?
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Oh, yes.
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Yes, she's very attractive.
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Very.
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Well, yeah, but, you know, older and, uh, very settled.
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I'd love to see her.
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Well, I'm sure she'd love to see you.
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Well, then, what should stop us?
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Listen.
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Why don't you all drop up to my penthouse tomorrow night?
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We'll break open some champagne and toast my
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sponsoring the show.
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Wonderful.
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And I'll get to see Laura Meehan again.
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Uh, Laura Petrie.
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Well, I'll always think of her as little Laura Meehan.
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Oh, well, I always think of her as big Laura Petrie.
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[laughter]
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Tomorrow night then?
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On behalf of our entire company,
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I accept with pleasure. - Wonderful.
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Wonderful.
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Uh, Mr. Darling, may I bring an escort?
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An escort?
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Well, you can bring an escort if you'd like,
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but I must inform you.
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I'm not married.
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I'm coming alone.
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Say, is this, uh, business or pleasure?
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Strictly pleasure.
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Good.
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I'll leave my wife home.
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Rob, you will bring Laura?
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Oh, uh, Jim, I, uh--
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I'll certainly check that.
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You, uh, never got married, huh?
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Well, how could I?
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You got my girl.
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I'll see you tomorrow night.
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Are you coming, uh, Cooley?
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Yes, Darling.
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Uh, Jim.
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Mr. Jim Darling.
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OK, fellas. What do you say?
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We get to work?
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That's a good idea.
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[sighing]
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Boy, what a doll.
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I say if you've got to have a sponsor, that's
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the kind of a sponsor to have.
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Hey, are you sure you two fellas have to go
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to that party tomorrow night?
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What are you trying to do?
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Narrow it down to just him and you?
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If possible, yes.
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I wonder if the janitor of a building
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is like the captain of a ship.
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What?
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I mean, can he marry us?
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I'd like a simple basement wedding,
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just the immediate help.
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Buddy, Rob.
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You two guys have to go?
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Why don't you stay home? - Look.
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I'm your friend, right?
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I can't say no when it comes to a sponsor.
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All right.
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How about you, Rob?
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Well, I-- uh, I could go.
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I know Laura would love to go.
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But I don't think she'll probably make it.
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Why not?
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Because I ain't going to tell her about it.
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Ow.
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Darn these dishes.
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What's the matter with them?
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Well, they're all chipped and cracked.
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As long as we're going to eat $0.70 meals, can't we at least
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eat off our good dinnerware?
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Well, darling, if we did that, then our good dinnerware
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would get chipped and cracked.
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And we'd have bad good dinnerware.
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Well, then why don't we buy some new everyday stuff?
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Well, I was going to, dear, but then Sidney called--
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I know. I know.
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Our accountant says we can't afford it.
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At least not for another month.
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Another month.
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I'd like to take every one of these
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and throw them in a trash can.
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Rob, how can you be so angry at our poor little dishes
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with the cute raspberries on them?
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Because these poor little dishes
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with the cute little raspberries on
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them are chipped and cracked.
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And every chip and crack reminds me of our sad financial state.
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That's what.
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Wow.
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What started you on that again?
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Oh, nothing.
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[coughing]
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Honey, uh, what are we doing tomorrow night?
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Bridge night with Millie and Jerry.
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We've disappointed them three weeks in a row.
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So I hope you haven't made other plans.
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No, sir.
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No.
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We committed ourselves to our good neighbors,
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and we're going to live up to that commitment.
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The world would be a lot better if everybody was committed.
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I mean-- if everybody lived up to their commitments.
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I mean, what's more important?
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Old friends or-- or very old friends?
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What on Earth are you talking about?
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Oh, nothing, honey.
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[phone ringing]
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Hello?
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Oh, hi, Sally.
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What am I wearing?
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To what?
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Who?
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Yeah, sure.
275
00:08:41,095 --> 00:08:42,196
Uh, Rob told me about it.
276
00:08:42,296 --> 00:08:43,931
I just forgot for the moment.
277
00:08:44,031 --> 00:08:45,666
Uh, I haven't decided what to wear.
278
00:08:45,767 --> 00:08:47,702
But, um, I'll call you and let you know, all right?
279
00:08:47,802 --> 00:08:48,736
Bye bye.
280
00:08:51,039 --> 00:08:53,474
Say, guess who came into the office today.
281
00:08:57,145 --> 00:08:59,714
Why didn't you tell me Jim Darling was in town?
282
00:08:59,814 --> 00:09:01,149
- I did. - When?
283
00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:02,583
I asked you what we're doing tomorrow night, honey.
284
00:09:02,683 --> 00:09:03,985
Why would I ask you that if it wasn't
285
00:09:04,085 --> 00:09:05,286
on account of Jim Darling?
286
00:09:05,386 --> 00:09:06,988
- You never mentioned his name. - I didn't?
287
00:09:07,088 --> 00:09:08,523
No.
288
00:09:08,623 --> 00:09:09,891
Well, I mean, I asked you what we're going to do tomorrow
289
00:09:09,991 --> 00:09:11,359
night.
290
00:09:11,459 --> 00:09:12,560
You said we're playing bridge with Millie and Jerry.
291
00:09:12,660 --> 00:09:14,362
And you-- and you said how important
292
00:09:14,462 --> 00:09:15,530
it was to honor commitments.
293
00:09:15,630 --> 00:09:16,731
No, you said that.
294
00:09:16,831 --> 00:09:17,632
Yeah.
295
00:09:17,732 --> 00:09:19,400
Yeah, I said that.
296
00:09:19,500 --> 00:09:21,402
But I thought you'd probably rather, well,
297
00:09:21,502 --> 00:09:23,604
play bridge than go to a stuffy old cocktail
298
00:09:23,704 --> 00:09:26,908
party with, you know, an old flame.
299
00:09:27,008 --> 00:09:28,042
Here, let me finish those dishes.
300
00:09:28,142 --> 00:09:30,545
No, no, I can do it.
301
00:09:30,645 --> 00:09:32,513
How's Jim look?
302
00:09:32,613 --> 00:09:36,250
Well, uh, old.
303
00:09:36,350 --> 00:09:38,986
Well, he's all, uh, gray around the temple area.
304
00:09:39,087 --> 00:09:40,388
Gray at the temples, huh?
305
00:09:40,488 --> 00:09:41,989
Well, not-- you-- not-- you wouldn't-- not
306
00:09:42,089 --> 00:09:43,324
that kind of gray.
307
00:09:43,424 --> 00:09:44,725
You wouldn't want this-- it's got green in it.
308
00:09:48,496 --> 00:09:49,597
Gee.
309
00:09:49,697 --> 00:09:50,898
You know, it's a shame we're busy tomorrow night.
310
00:09:50,998 --> 00:09:53,167
I'd really love to see him again.
311
00:09:53,267 --> 00:09:54,669
You would?
312
00:09:54,769 --> 00:09:57,905
Well, if you really want to go, we'll-- uh, we can go.
313
00:09:58,005 --> 00:09:59,073
Oh, I don't know, darling.
314
00:09:59,173 --> 00:10:01,108
It might be uncomfortable for you.
315
00:10:01,209 --> 00:10:02,610
Why-- why would it be uncomfortable for me?
316
00:10:02,710 --> 00:10:04,112
I don't-- I won't be uncomfortable, honey.
317
00:10:04,212 --> 00:10:05,780
I know you love me.
318
00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:08,116
I'll-- I'll call Jerry and Millie and tell them
319
00:10:08,216 --> 00:10:09,884
that we'll, uh, play Friday.
320
00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:10,852
You mean it?
321
00:10:10,952 --> 00:10:11,886
Well, sure.
322
00:10:11,986 --> 00:10:13,387
I mean, he's anxious to see you.
323
00:10:13,488 --> 00:10:15,323
And you're anxious to see him, aren't you?
324
00:10:15,423 --> 00:10:17,358
You sure you won't get insanely jealous
325
00:10:17,458 --> 00:10:18,759
and sit in the corner and mumble?
326
00:10:18,860 --> 00:10:20,495
Oh, come on, honey.
327
00:10:20,595 --> 00:10:22,129
You know darn well I'm not a mumbler.
328
00:10:22,230 --> 00:10:23,464
(MUMBLING) You want to go to a party,
329
00:10:23,564 --> 00:10:27,168
if I have to go to a party, [inaudible]..
330
00:10:27,268 --> 00:10:28,136
What did you say?
331
00:10:28,236 --> 00:10:29,137
Huh?
332
00:10:29,237 --> 00:10:30,671
You were mumbling.
333
00:10:30,771 --> 00:10:33,074
Oh, I said that I would like to go to the party, honey.
334
00:10:33,174 --> 00:10:34,008
Really, I would.
335
00:10:34,108 --> 00:10:37,612
So, we'll-- we'll go.
336
00:10:37,712 --> 00:10:39,847
Ritchie, what are you doing out of bed?
337
00:10:39,947 --> 00:10:41,082
Can I have a drink of water?
338
00:10:41,182 --> 00:10:42,350
Sure, darling.
339
00:10:42,450 --> 00:10:43,284
Rich, why do you want a drink of water?
340
00:10:43,384 --> 00:10:44,752
Is your throat dry?
341
00:10:44,852 --> 00:10:45,920
Yeah, it's dry.
342
00:10:46,020 --> 00:10:46,988
Honey, did you hear what Rich said?
343
00:10:47,088 --> 00:10:48,756
His throat's dry.
344
00:10:48,856 --> 00:10:49,690
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
345
00:10:49,790 --> 00:10:50,591
Oh, boy.
346
00:10:50,691 --> 00:10:51,792
Dry throat.
347
00:10:51,893 --> 00:10:52,927
So?
348
00:10:53,027 --> 00:10:54,195
Well, honey, do you think we ought
349
00:10:54,295 --> 00:10:55,229
to leave him with a sitter when he might
350
00:10:55,329 --> 00:10:56,430
be brewing up something here?
351
00:10:56,531 --> 00:10:58,232
Oh, darling, it's probably nothing.
352
00:10:58,332 --> 00:10:59,834
Yeah, well, I'll tell you that every--
353
00:10:59,934 --> 00:11:04,071
all eight of his nasal cavities are clogged with [inaudible]..
354
00:11:04,171 --> 00:11:05,540
Yeah, they're all stuffed.
355
00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:07,508
Can I stay home from school?
356
00:11:07,608 --> 00:11:09,844
Well, we'll see about that in the morning, young man.
357
00:11:09,944 --> 00:11:11,045
Back to bed.
358
00:11:11,145 --> 00:11:12,513
Honey, uh, you think, uh-- you know,
359
00:11:12,613 --> 00:11:14,916
I better call Jim and, uh, tell him we can't make it.
360
00:11:15,016 --> 00:11:15,983
Whatever you say, dear.
361
00:11:16,083 --> 00:11:16,884
Well, you're right.
362
00:11:16,984 --> 00:11:18,219
I'm going to call him.
363
00:11:18,319 --> 00:11:20,354
He'll be disappointed he can't see, honey, but--
364
00:11:23,658 --> 00:11:25,059
[exhaling]
365
00:11:25,159 --> 00:11:30,698
(MUMBLING) Save my marriage for another five years [inaudible]..
366
00:11:30,798 --> 00:11:31,966
Boy.
367
00:11:32,066 --> 00:11:33,401
(NORMAL VOICE) Hello?
368
00:11:33,501 --> 00:11:35,503
Uh, Mr. Jim Darling, please.
369
00:11:37,872 --> 00:11:38,706
Jim?
370
00:11:38,806 --> 00:11:39,974
Uh, Rob Petrie.
371
00:11:40,074 --> 00:11:40,875
Yeah.
372
00:11:40,975 --> 00:11:42,476
Hey, listen, Jim.
373
00:11:42,577 --> 00:11:44,211
We would love to come to that little bash of yours tomorrow
374
00:11:44,312 --> 00:11:45,146
night.
375
00:11:45,246 --> 00:11:46,214
But our kid's sick.
376
00:11:46,314 --> 00:11:47,949
Oh, no, nothing serious.
377
00:11:48,049 --> 00:11:50,251
Just a little old nasal passages.
378
00:11:50,351 --> 00:11:52,820
Yeah, all eight of them.
379
00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:54,589
Well, Jim, we-- we don't like to leave
380
00:11:54,689 --> 00:11:56,490
him when he's feeling kind of under the weather, you know.
381
00:11:56,591 --> 00:12:01,596
It might leave emotional scars or something like that.
382
00:12:01,696 --> 00:12:02,296
Well, I know.
383
00:12:02,396 --> 00:12:03,631
Uh, listen.
384
00:12:03,731 --> 00:12:04,865
Laura is going to feel awful. It's a shame.
385
00:12:04,966 --> 00:12:06,067
She wanted so much to see you.
386
00:12:06,167 --> 00:12:07,768
It is a pity you couldn't come up here.
387
00:12:11,606 --> 00:12:14,342
I said, it's a pity you couldn't have, uh--
388
00:12:14,442 --> 00:12:17,078
uh, uh, well, yeah, you can.
389
00:12:17,178 --> 00:12:18,112
Listen, Jim.
390
00:12:18,212 --> 00:12:19,447
It's a long, long drive up here.
391
00:12:19,547 --> 00:12:20,581
It's-- you know, we're in--
392
00:12:20,681 --> 00:12:21,816
8:30?
393
00:12:21,916 --> 00:12:23,584
Well, yeah.
394
00:12:23,684 --> 00:12:26,654
So you'll bring the whole party right-- right up at our house.
395
00:12:26,754 --> 00:12:27,388
Wonderful.
396
00:12:27,488 --> 00:12:28,689
Yeah, [inaudible], Jim.
397
00:12:28,789 --> 00:12:29,690
Bye.
398
00:12:33,127 --> 00:12:34,996
Oh.
399
00:12:35,096 --> 00:12:37,431
Who needs a handsome millionaire coming up here
400
00:12:37,531 --> 00:12:39,500
examining my chipped dishes and my lumpy couch
401
00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:42,670
and my married wife?
402
00:12:42,770 --> 00:12:44,672
I never thought it would come to this.
403
00:12:44,772 --> 00:12:47,108
Laura and I supported by one of her old boyfriends.
404
00:12:47,208 --> 00:12:48,709
Yuck.
405
00:12:48,809 --> 00:12:50,244
Hi, honey!
406
00:12:50,344 --> 00:12:51,145
Hey.
407
00:12:51,245 --> 00:12:52,380
Honey, good news.
408
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:53,781
I called Jim.
409
00:12:53,881 --> 00:12:55,883
I talked him into bringing the whole party up here.
410
00:12:55,983 --> 00:12:57,018
Isn't that wonderful?
411
00:12:57,118 --> 00:12:58,052
Huh?
412
00:13:03,190 --> 00:13:06,560
Potato chips, corned curlies, wheat, whippies, peanut
413
00:13:06,661 --> 00:13:07,962
pippies, and potato poopies.
414
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,068
Stuff gets cuter every year.
415
00:13:17,605 --> 00:13:21,208
Plenty of ice, cola, ginger ale, club soda.
416
00:13:21,308 --> 00:13:24,145
Clean glasses, nuts.
417
00:13:24,245 --> 00:13:25,146
I checked everything.
418
00:13:25,246 --> 00:13:26,414
Cigarettes, ice cubes, cola.
419
00:13:26,514 --> 00:13:27,314
Everything's perfect.
420
00:13:27,415 --> 00:13:28,249
Good.
421
00:13:28,349 --> 00:13:29,583
Kind of a shame, too.
422
00:13:29,684 --> 00:13:30,551
Why?
423
00:13:30,651 --> 00:13:31,619
Because I'm calling off the party.
424
00:13:31,719 --> 00:13:33,320
You're not wearing that dress.
425
00:13:33,421 --> 00:13:35,022
What's wrong with this dress?
426
00:13:35,122 --> 00:13:36,123
Well, honey, I--
427
00:13:36,223 --> 00:13:37,825
it's the fabrics.
428
00:13:37,925 --> 00:13:39,493
What's the matter with the fabric?
429
00:13:39,593 --> 00:13:42,830
Well, there's not enough of it.
430
00:13:42,930 --> 00:13:44,231
Honey.
431
00:13:44,331 --> 00:13:46,967
You go in the other room and put on a nice conservative business
432
00:13:47,068 --> 00:13:48,035
suit.
433
00:13:48,135 --> 00:13:49,270
Rob.
434
00:13:49,370 --> 00:13:51,138
I've worn this dress 100 times, and you
435
00:13:51,238 --> 00:13:52,473
never complained before.
436
00:13:52,573 --> 00:13:54,041
Yeah, well, I've let you get away with it.
437
00:13:54,141 --> 00:13:54,975
That's all.
438
00:13:55,076 --> 00:13:56,277
Oh, my goodness.
439
00:13:56,377 --> 00:13:57,445
[doorbell ringing]
440
00:13:57,545 --> 00:13:58,946
I'll get that.
441
00:13:59,046 --> 00:14:02,183
You put on a sweater or a lumber jacket or something.
442
00:14:02,283 --> 00:14:03,350
Hi. - Hi.
443
00:14:03,451 --> 00:14:04,752
- Oh, it's you. - Oh, I'm sorry.
444
00:14:04,852 --> 00:14:06,353
Next time, I'll try to be somebody more important.
445
00:14:06,454 --> 00:14:07,588
No. I-- I was expecting--
446
00:14:07,688 --> 00:14:09,223
I know. You were expecting your sponsor.
447
00:14:09,323 --> 00:14:10,157
- Yeah. - Hi-ya, Laura.
448
00:14:10,257 --> 00:14:11,225
- Hi, Jerry. - Wow.
449
00:14:11,325 --> 00:14:12,159
Hi, Millie.
450
00:14:12,259 --> 00:14:13,861
Oh, you look so nice.
451
00:14:13,961 --> 00:14:14,862
Thank you.
452
00:14:14,962 --> 00:14:15,930
You know, you're right.
453
00:14:16,030 --> 00:14:17,431
It's better without the matching jacket.
454
00:14:17,531 --> 00:14:20,167
What matching-- is there a matching jacket?
455
00:14:20,267 --> 00:14:21,702
Where is the matching jacket?
456
00:14:21,802 --> 00:14:23,337
Now don't you dare cover up those beautiful shoulders.
457
00:14:23,437 --> 00:14:24,872
You want to impress your sponsor, don't you?
458
00:14:24,972 --> 00:14:26,807
Uh, Jerry, how about a corn curly?
459
00:14:26,907 --> 00:14:28,175
Don't you have any potato poopies?
460
00:14:28,275 --> 00:14:29,210
[doorbell ringing]
461
00:14:29,310 --> 00:14:32,146
Yes, they're potato poopies.
462
00:14:32,246 --> 00:14:33,481
- Hi, Sal. - Hi, Rob.
463
00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:34,915
- Hi, Rob. - Hi-ya, Sally.
464
00:14:35,015 --> 00:14:35,850
Hi, Buddy. Mel.
465
00:14:35,950 --> 00:14:36,550
Hi.
466
00:14:36,650 --> 00:14:37,585
[interposing voices]
467
00:14:37,685 --> 00:14:39,053
How are you, Jim?
468
00:14:39,153 --> 00:14:40,788
Where do you want [inaudible] to put the party stuff?
469
00:14:40,888 --> 00:14:42,456
Uh, right in the kitchen door, through there.
470
00:14:42,556 --> 00:14:43,390
[chatter]
471
00:14:43,491 --> 00:14:45,426
Hello, Jim.
472
00:14:45,526 --> 00:14:46,761
Laura Meehan.
473
00:14:46,861 --> 00:14:47,895
Jim Darling.
474
00:14:47,995 --> 00:14:48,829
Darling?
475
00:14:48,929 --> 00:14:49,630
That's his name.
476
00:14:49,730 --> 00:14:51,532
She wouldn't call him that.
477
00:14:51,632 --> 00:14:52,733
It's so wonderful seeing you again.
478
00:14:52,833 --> 00:14:54,835
Oh, Jim, it's wonderful seeing you, too.
479
00:14:54,935 --> 00:14:55,770
My goodness.
480
00:14:55,870 --> 00:14:57,171
And if you get a few feet apart,
481
00:14:57,271 --> 00:14:58,806
you can see each other better.
482
00:14:58,906 --> 00:14:59,807
[laughter]
483
00:14:59,907 --> 00:15:01,175
You know, you haven't changed a bit.
484
00:15:01,275 --> 00:15:02,610
If anything, you're more beautiful.
485
00:15:02,710 --> 00:15:03,577
Oh, thank you, Jim. And you are looking wonderful.
486
00:15:03,677 --> 00:15:04,578
Look at that tan, Rob.
487
00:15:04,678 --> 00:15:05,846
Hey, Jim, come here.
488
00:15:05,946 --> 00:15:07,648
I want you to meet some wonderful people.
489
00:15:07,748 --> 00:15:09,450
This is Jerry and Millie Helper, our neighbors.
490
00:15:09,550 --> 00:15:10,384
Jerry, how are you?
491
00:15:10,484 --> 00:15:11,685
Nice to meet you.
492
00:15:11,786 --> 00:15:12,887
And this is our new sponsor, Jim Darling.
493
00:15:12,987 --> 00:15:13,587
Wait a minute.
494
00:15:13,687 --> 00:15:14,555
Let's get that right.
495
00:15:14,655 --> 00:15:15,589
Jim, our darling sponsor.
496
00:15:15,689 --> 00:15:17,358
Come on, everyone, sit down.
497
00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:18,359
Oh, OK.
498
00:15:18,459 --> 00:15:19,293
Well, uh, Laura--
499
00:15:19,393 --> 00:15:20,261
Hey, Jim, sit here.
500
00:15:20,361 --> 00:15:23,597
This is more comfortable.
501
00:15:23,697 --> 00:15:25,866
[spring bouncing]
502
00:15:25,966 --> 00:15:28,469
Well, uh, Buddy, where's, uh, Pickles?
503
00:15:28,569 --> 00:15:29,804
She's taking a course in cooking.
504
00:15:29,904 --> 00:15:30,604
She stayed home.
505
00:15:30,704 --> 00:15:34,041
She's rehearsing breakfast.
506
00:15:34,141 --> 00:15:35,509
This is a lovely home you have here.
507
00:15:35,609 --> 00:15:36,644
Well, thank you.
508
00:15:36,744 --> 00:15:38,045
That's, uh, my favorite Picasso.
509
00:15:38,145 --> 00:15:39,180
I have it, also.
510
00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:40,314
Oh, you have one of those prints?
511
00:15:40,414 --> 00:15:41,215
Well, uh-- [laughing]
512
00:15:41,315 --> 00:15:42,883
He has the original.
513
00:15:42,983 --> 00:15:44,018
Oh.
514
00:15:44,118 --> 00:15:46,020
Oh, well, uh, a print has a lot of advantages.
515
00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:48,823
If the house blows up, I'm only out two bucks.
516
00:15:48,923 --> 00:15:49,557
[laughter]
517
00:15:49,657 --> 00:15:52,059
Oh, thank you.
518
00:15:52,159 --> 00:15:53,294
Thank you.
519
00:15:53,394 --> 00:15:54,495
I hope you find it satisfactory, sir.
520
00:15:54,595 --> 00:15:55,696
I didn't have time to chill properly.
521
00:15:55,796 --> 00:15:57,364
I'm sure it'll be all right, Edward.
522
00:15:57,464 --> 00:15:58,299
Wonderful lad.
523
00:15:58,399 --> 00:15:59,533
Does everything for me.
524
00:15:59,633 --> 00:16:00,701
I don't know what I'd do without him.
525
00:16:00,801 --> 00:16:01,836
Yeah, I, uh, know what you mean.
526
00:16:01,936 --> 00:16:03,504
I feel the same way about Walter.
527
00:16:03,604 --> 00:16:04,939
- Who's Walter? - Oh, Walter.
528
00:16:05,039 --> 00:16:06,807
He's been with us for years, like part of the family.
529
00:16:06,907 --> 00:16:09,410
Well, where have you been hiding him?
530
00:16:09,510 --> 00:16:11,145
Walter is the man who comes in once a month
531
00:16:11,245 --> 00:16:12,213
to do the woodwork.
532
00:16:12,313 --> 00:16:13,447
Yeah.
533
00:16:13,547 --> 00:16:14,515
I don't know what I'd do without him.
534
00:16:14,615 --> 00:16:15,716
Oh, is that his name?
535
00:16:15,816 --> 00:16:18,118
He does our windows.
536
00:16:18,219 --> 00:16:19,954
Rob's such a kidder.
537
00:16:20,054 --> 00:16:22,022
Well, uh, Jim, how long are you going to be in town?
538
00:16:22,122 --> 00:16:22,857
Not long.
539
00:16:22,957 --> 00:16:24,425
I'm due in Australia very soon.
540
00:16:24,525 --> 00:16:25,893
Oh, wonderful.
541
00:16:25,993 --> 00:16:27,528
Well, I mean, you know, Australia's beautiful this time
542
00:16:27,628 --> 00:16:28,996
of the week.
543
00:16:29,096 --> 00:16:31,265
MEL: Oh, by the way, Jim, your plane tickets will be
544
00:16:31,365 --> 00:16:32,333
on your desk tomorrow morning.
545
00:16:32,433 --> 00:16:33,267
Fine, thank you.
546
00:16:33,367 --> 00:16:34,268
No trouble at all.
547
00:16:34,368 --> 00:16:35,703
Let's see.
548
00:16:35,803 --> 00:16:37,304
Australia, Bangkok, and then right on to Hong Kong.
549
00:16:37,404 --> 00:16:38,372
All jets.
550
00:16:38,472 --> 00:16:39,607
And that'll get me in Hong Kong
551
00:16:39,707 --> 00:16:41,141
just in time for the Chinese New Year.
552
00:16:41,242 --> 00:16:43,477
Gee, imagine being in Hong Kong for Chinese New Year's.
553
00:16:43,577 --> 00:16:45,779
It must be exciting to make trips like that.
554
00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:48,215
I'm planning a long trip next month with Laura.
555
00:16:48,315 --> 00:16:49,149
Oh, really?
556
00:16:49,250 --> 00:16:50,718
Where are you going?
557
00:16:50,818 --> 00:16:52,152
Well, uh, Jim, the, uh, first leg of the trip will take us
558
00:16:52,253 --> 00:16:55,623
to White Plains and then Mount [inaudible],, Peekskill,
559
00:16:55,723 --> 00:16:57,424
right into [inaudible],, and that'll get us to, uh,
560
00:16:57,524 --> 00:16:59,193
Grossinger's in time for Hanukkah.
561
00:16:59,293 --> 00:17:00,561
[laughing]
562
00:17:00,661 --> 00:17:02,229
[phone ringing]
563
00:17:04,598 --> 00:17:06,133
Hello?
564
00:17:06,233 --> 00:17:07,067
Yes, he is.
565
00:17:07,167 --> 00:17:08,002
Just a moment, please.
566
00:17:08,102 --> 00:17:09,570
Jim, it's for you. Long distance.
567
00:17:09,670 --> 00:17:11,171
Melbourne. MILLIE: Australia?
568
00:17:11,272 --> 00:17:12,506
Wow.
569
00:17:12,606 --> 00:17:13,774
I hope you don't mind I gave them your number.
570
00:17:13,874 --> 00:17:14,708
No.
571
00:17:14,808 --> 00:17:17,011
I like Australia to have my number.
572
00:17:17,111 --> 00:17:17,745
Yes, this is he.
573
00:17:17,845 --> 00:17:19,046
I'm ready, Australia.
574
00:17:19,146 --> 00:17:19,980
Hello? Yes.
575
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:21,482
What's the good news, Sir Douglas?
576
00:17:21,582 --> 00:17:23,384
Hey, Sir Douglas, how about that?
577
00:17:23,484 --> 00:17:26,120
A man with a title talking to a house with a mortgage.
578
00:17:26,220 --> 00:17:27,688
Now that's democracy.
579
00:17:27,788 --> 00:17:30,224
Well, it was nice to hear your voice again.
580
00:17:30,324 --> 00:17:31,625
Uh-huh.
581
00:17:31,725 --> 00:17:33,827
Yes, well, I've talked to my associates in London.
582
00:17:33,928 --> 00:17:36,063
And we'll take, uh, 32,000 more shares.
583
00:17:36,163 --> 00:17:37,698
Boy, that's what I call real class.
584
00:17:37,798 --> 00:17:38,699
A guy talks long distance.
585
00:17:38,799 --> 00:17:39,733
He don't even holler.
586
00:17:39,833 --> 00:17:40,668
Uh, regards to Lady Pembroke.
587
00:17:40,768 --> 00:17:41,835
Right. Bye bye.
588
00:17:41,936 --> 00:17:42,970
I'm sorry, Rob. - Sorry?
589
00:17:43,070 --> 00:17:44,204
Listen.
590
00:17:44,305 --> 00:17:45,773
When news of that phone call gets out on the street,
591
00:17:45,873 --> 00:17:49,510
real estate values are going to go sky high.
592
00:17:49,610 --> 00:17:50,444
Say, I, uh--
593
00:17:50,544 --> 00:17:51,378
reminds me.
594
00:17:51,478 --> 00:17:52,980
I've got to call Sidney.
595
00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:54,148
Oh, Australia?
596
00:17:54,248 --> 00:17:54,982
No.
597
00:17:55,082 --> 00:17:57,017
Sidney Blakeman, my accountant.
598
00:17:57,117 --> 00:17:58,652
He's going to buy me about 32,000 shares of--
599
00:17:58,752 --> 00:17:59,620
Rob, potato poopies.
600
00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:01,355
Of potato poopies, yeah.
601
00:18:01,455 --> 00:18:02,590
Just one.
602
00:18:02,690 --> 00:18:03,791
I've got to watch my figure, you know.
603
00:18:03,891 --> 00:18:05,059
Here. I'll take some of those, honey.
604
00:18:05,159 --> 00:18:05,859
I can handle them.
605
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,227
Uh, tennis, golf, handball.
606
00:18:07,328 --> 00:18:08,429
That's what keeps me trim.
607
00:18:08,529 --> 00:18:09,964
I wish I had time for those things.
608
00:18:10,064 --> 00:18:11,765
Well, a man like you should take time
609
00:18:11,865 --> 00:18:15,269
for things like tennis and golf and marriage.
610
00:18:15,369 --> 00:18:17,071
Well, I don't care much for tennis or golf,
611
00:18:17,171 --> 00:18:18,605
but I'd get married in a minute if I could
612
00:18:18,706 --> 00:18:19,773
find another girl like Laura.
613
00:18:19,873 --> 00:18:21,508
How about another girl like Sally?
614
00:18:21,609 --> 00:18:22,443
Another girl?
615
00:18:22,543 --> 00:18:24,111
How about Sally?
616
00:18:24,211 --> 00:18:25,980
I'll have some more of those, Laura, darling.
617
00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:27,281
Laura Darling.
618
00:18:27,381 --> 00:18:29,116
Hey, that would have been her name if she married you.
619
00:18:29,216 --> 00:18:30,317
Laura Darling.
620
00:18:30,417 --> 00:18:31,852
And everything would have been entirely different.
621
00:18:31,952 --> 00:18:33,387
And Lady Pamela would be right here in this room
622
00:18:33,487 --> 00:18:36,924
eating corn poopies and potato curlies and everything.
623
00:18:37,024 --> 00:18:39,193
[inaudible] floating out on a boat out in the Mediterranean.
624
00:18:39,293 --> 00:18:42,896
And you've have been thrown overboard by now.
625
00:18:42,997 --> 00:18:44,431
Hey Jim, do you own a yacht?
626
00:18:44,531 --> 00:18:45,933
Just a small one, yeah.
627
00:18:46,033 --> 00:18:47,001
Jim.
628
00:18:47,101 --> 00:18:48,068
Jim, how do you get to be so successful?
629
00:18:48,168 --> 00:18:49,803
I mean, is there a magic formula?
630
00:18:49,903 --> 00:18:51,872
Well, I don't think there's any one formula for success.
631
00:18:51,972 --> 00:18:53,907
It's a combination of luck and persistence
632
00:18:54,008 --> 00:18:55,175
and the willingness to gamble.
633
00:18:55,275 --> 00:18:57,845
And rich relatives.
634
00:18:57,945 --> 00:19:01,515
Well, Jim, as I remember--
635
00:19:01,615 --> 00:19:03,283
your parents weren't wealthy, were they?
636
00:19:03,384 --> 00:19:04,918
No, as a matter of fact, they weren't.
637
00:19:05,019 --> 00:19:06,286
Dad had a little grocery, and I was born
638
00:19:06,387 --> 00:19:07,988
right in the back of the store. - Oh, is that--
639
00:19:08,088 --> 00:19:09,657
I-- did I ever tell you, I was born in the back
640
00:19:09,757 --> 00:19:11,091
of a grocery store, too? - Oh, really?
641
00:19:11,191 --> 00:19:12,493
Yeah, it was because we didn't have
642
00:19:12,593 --> 00:19:13,494
a front of a grocery store.
643
00:19:13,594 --> 00:19:14,962
[laughter]
644
00:19:15,062 --> 00:19:17,331
Well, we were, uh, really pretty poor in those days.
645
00:19:17,431 --> 00:19:18,399
Things were pretty tough.
646
00:19:18,499 --> 00:19:19,733
Very poor. - Yeah.
647
00:19:19,833 --> 00:19:20,968
You think you were poor.
648
00:19:21,068 --> 00:19:22,836
My family was so poor, the church mouse
649
00:19:22,936 --> 00:19:24,505
lived in our house.
650
00:19:24,605 --> 00:19:27,708
Jim, wasn't, uh--
651
00:19:27,808 --> 00:19:29,076
your father was the first to carry
652
00:19:29,176 --> 00:19:30,911
frozen foods in his grocery store, wasn't he?
653
00:19:31,011 --> 00:19:32,312
That's right. He was one of the first.
654
00:19:32,413 --> 00:19:34,014
Uh, there weren't too many freezers in those days.
655
00:19:34,114 --> 00:19:35,382
So we had to scrape a little money together,
656
00:19:35,482 --> 00:19:37,317
and we bought some freezers and rented them out.
657
00:19:37,418 --> 00:19:38,218
And we were on our way.
658
00:19:38,318 --> 00:19:39,653
Oh, this is exciting.
659
00:19:39,753 --> 00:19:43,057
Yeah, it's a regular Horatio Algae story.
660
00:19:43,157 --> 00:19:44,658
Alger.
661
00:19:44,758 --> 00:19:46,393
Algae's that junk at the bottom of a fishtank.
662
00:19:51,698 --> 00:19:53,634
So, uh, then what happened, Jim?
663
00:19:53,734 --> 00:19:55,402
Well, uh, we went into some other appliances.
664
00:19:55,502 --> 00:19:57,738
You know, diversified, and then we went international.
665
00:19:57,838 --> 00:19:59,273
I guess that's about it.
666
00:19:59,373 --> 00:20:01,408
Gee, the-- the whole thing started with freezers, huh?
667
00:20:01,508 --> 00:20:04,344
Yeah, man, that's cool, huh?
668
00:20:04,445 --> 00:20:05,546
You know, something, Jim?
669
00:20:05,646 --> 00:20:06,814
Jerry's a guy a lot like you.
670
00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:08,148
You know, trying new things all the time.
671
00:20:08,248 --> 00:20:10,551
He's the dentist in our block to play Mantovani
672
00:20:10,651 --> 00:20:11,585
records while he's drilling.
673
00:20:11,685 --> 00:20:13,153
Yeah, that-- that's right.
674
00:20:13,253 --> 00:20:14,922
Oh, of course, it's nothing compared to what you've done,
675
00:20:15,022 --> 00:20:15,656
Jim.
676
00:20:15,756 --> 00:20:16,990
Oh, I'll second that.
677
00:20:17,091 --> 00:20:18,892
Boy, for a man of his age and handsomeness,
678
00:20:18,992 --> 00:20:20,861
he's accomplished more than anybody I know.
679
00:20:20,961 --> 00:20:22,062
Oh, I don't know about that.
680
00:20:22,162 --> 00:20:23,330
Uh, would anyone like some coffee?
681
00:20:23,430 --> 00:20:24,565
Yes.
682
00:20:24,665 --> 00:20:25,632
As a matter of fact, I could use a cup.
683
00:20:25,733 --> 00:20:26,600
I'll get it, honey.
684
00:20:26,700 --> 00:20:27,901
I-- I'll help you, Laura.
685
00:20:28,001 --> 00:20:29,636
Sally, I said I'm going to get it.
686
00:20:29,736 --> 00:20:31,772
Oh, boy, are you going to get it.
687
00:20:34,742 --> 00:20:35,976
See you later.
688
00:20:36,076 --> 00:20:37,344
- Thank you for a nice evening. - Good night.
689
00:20:37,444 --> 00:20:38,479
Hey, Rob.
690
00:20:38,579 --> 00:20:40,047
Hey, thanks for the corn curlies.
691
00:20:40,147 --> 00:20:41,582
Very interesting evening.
692
00:20:41,682 --> 00:20:42,816
Bye. - Goodnight, Sal.
693
00:20:42,916 --> 00:20:43,951
- Goodnight, Sal. - Goodnight, Laura.
694
00:20:44,051 --> 00:20:44,818
It was wonderful seeing you again.
695
00:20:44,918 --> 00:20:46,153
Thank you, Jim.
696
00:20:46,253 --> 00:20:47,754
Rob, thank you so much for your hospitality.
697
00:20:47,855 --> 00:20:50,090
Uh, Jim, are you still going to sponsor our show?
698
00:20:50,190 --> 00:20:50,991
Well, sure.
699
00:20:51,091 --> 00:20:51,725
Why not?
700
00:20:51,825 --> 00:20:53,494
Well, I thought--
701
00:20:53,594 --> 00:20:54,528
uh, good night, Jim.
702
00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:55,462
Good night, Rob.
703
00:20:55,562 --> 00:20:56,363
Good night, Laura.
704
00:20:56,463 --> 00:20:58,332
Good night.
705
00:20:58,432 --> 00:21:00,801
Uh, take it easy.
706
00:21:00,901 --> 00:21:01,702
Good night.
707
00:21:01,802 --> 00:21:04,838
That's-- bye.
708
00:21:04,938 --> 00:21:06,039
They're gone.
709
00:21:10,444 --> 00:21:12,079
I'll, uh, get these in.
710
00:21:38,672 --> 00:21:40,607
Well.
711
00:21:40,707 --> 00:21:43,477
Thank you very much.
712
00:21:43,577 --> 00:21:44,778
For what?
713
00:21:44,878 --> 00:21:47,447
Thank you for what you did for me tonight.
714
00:21:47,548 --> 00:21:48,849
What are you talking about?
715
00:21:48,949 --> 00:21:50,350
You know very well what I'm talking about.
716
00:21:50,450 --> 00:21:53,587
Thank you for making this party a disaster.
717
00:21:53,687 --> 00:21:55,622
I turned it into a disaster?
718
00:21:55,722 --> 00:21:56,590
You certainly did.
719
00:21:56,690 --> 00:21:57,958
What did I do?
720
00:21:58,058 --> 00:21:58,959
What did you--
721
00:21:59,059 --> 00:22:00,194
you're my wife, aren't you?
722
00:22:00,294 --> 00:22:01,461
So far.
723
00:22:01,562 --> 00:22:02,663
All right.
724
00:22:02,763 --> 00:22:04,531
As long as you're my wife, will you
725
00:22:04,631 --> 00:22:06,200
please try and act like a wife?
726
00:22:06,300 --> 00:22:07,334
What?
727
00:22:07,434 --> 00:22:09,036
When I'm sick, you take care of me, don't you?
728
00:22:09,136 --> 00:22:11,004
You-- you cold compresses, and you give me a thermometer
729
00:22:11,104 --> 00:22:12,506
and a hot chicken soup.
730
00:22:12,606 --> 00:22:14,641
Where were you when I needed you tonight?
731
00:22:14,741 --> 00:22:16,510
You weren't sick tonight.
732
00:22:16,610 --> 00:22:17,678
Oh, no?
733
00:22:17,778 --> 00:22:19,613
Don't you call paranoia a sickness?
734
00:22:22,916 --> 00:22:23,750
Paranoia?
735
00:22:23,851 --> 00:22:25,118
Yeah, paranoia.
736
00:22:25,219 --> 00:22:28,455
Persecution complex, insecurity, fear and envy.
737
00:22:28,555 --> 00:22:29,690
Oh, boy.
738
00:22:29,790 --> 00:22:32,125
A good wife doesn't treat paranoia
739
00:22:32,226 --> 00:22:35,796
going around asking people if they want a potato poopy.
740
00:22:35,896 --> 00:22:37,364
Well, what did you want me to do?
741
00:22:37,464 --> 00:22:38,999
Well, honey, if you really wanted to help me,
742
00:22:39,099 --> 00:22:40,567
you should have done something dramatic.
743
00:22:40,667 --> 00:22:43,971
Poured hot coffee on me or set my hair on fire, anything.
744
00:22:44,071 --> 00:22:45,939
You only did one good thing this evening,
745
00:22:46,039 --> 00:22:47,307
and that was to prove to that millionaire
746
00:22:47,407 --> 00:22:50,344
with his hand-sewn shoes, his cashmere socks,
747
00:22:50,444 --> 00:22:53,046
how lucky he was not to be married to a wife who would
748
00:22:53,146 --> 00:22:54,281
stand there and let her husband make
749
00:22:54,381 --> 00:22:56,483
a complete jackass of himself.
750
00:22:59,119 --> 00:23:01,755
You mean, you were really aware of what you said.
751
00:23:01,855 --> 00:23:03,357
Aware?
752
00:23:03,457 --> 00:23:06,493
Never in my 30-odd years of life have I ever been so embarrassed
753
00:23:06,593 --> 00:23:08,362
and humiliated and ashamed.
754
00:23:08,462 --> 00:23:10,030
You know, you could have taken me aside
755
00:23:10,130 --> 00:23:11,365
and quietly whispered to me that I
756
00:23:11,465 --> 00:23:13,367
have things that that millionaire hasn't got.
757
00:23:13,467 --> 00:23:15,435
I've got a nice house and a charming son
758
00:23:15,535 --> 00:23:17,938
and a beautiful wife.
759
00:23:18,038 --> 00:23:19,273
Right now, if you had any compassion,
760
00:23:19,373 --> 00:23:21,275
you'd put your arms around me and tell me
761
00:23:21,375 --> 00:23:23,410
that you're as sorry for me as I am for myself.
762
00:23:27,047 --> 00:23:29,049
Darling, I am.
763
00:23:29,149 --> 00:23:30,717
Oh, honey, the next time I start
764
00:23:30,817 --> 00:23:33,887
to put my foot in my mouth, will you please stop me?
765
00:23:33,987 --> 00:23:35,622
Well, I'm not sure.
766
00:23:35,722 --> 00:23:36,590
What do you mean?
767
00:23:36,690 --> 00:23:38,125
It's kind of interesting.
768
00:23:38,225 --> 00:23:40,961
Very flattering to see a man destroy himself for the love
769
00:23:41,061 --> 00:23:42,396
of a beautiful woman.
770
00:23:45,799 --> 00:23:47,000
Don't press your luck.
771
00:23:58,946 --> 00:24:02,182
[dishes breaking]
772
00:24:02,282 --> 00:24:04,718
Rob, what on Earth are you doing?
773
00:24:04,818 --> 00:24:06,453
What does it look like?
774
00:24:06,553 --> 00:24:08,121
You're breaking our dishes. But why?
775
00:24:08,221 --> 00:24:09,523
Just because some of them are chipped?
776
00:24:09,623 --> 00:24:11,558
No, because the chips and cracks in these dishes
777
00:24:11,658 --> 00:24:14,161
are the living symbols of my financial insecurity.
778
00:24:14,261 --> 00:24:17,431
And I don't like them around mocking me at mealtime.
779
00:24:17,531 --> 00:24:19,032
You mean, you'd feel more financially
780
00:24:19,132 --> 00:24:20,701
secure if we defied our accountant
781
00:24:20,801 --> 00:24:21,735
and bought new dishes?
782
00:24:21,835 --> 00:24:23,437
Very much.
783
00:24:23,537 --> 00:24:24,438
Go.
784
00:24:27,007 --> 00:24:28,608
[dishes breaking]
785
00:24:36,683 --> 00:24:40,420
[music playing]
53334
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