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[music playing]
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PRESENTER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show."
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Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rosemary,
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Morey Amsterdam, Larry Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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[music playing]
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Oh, good morning.
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What's good about it?
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Oh, what's bothering you?
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The sudden realization that my boyfriend,
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Herman Glimcher is the only man in America
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who takes a girl to a drive-in to actually watch the picture.
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Morning Sally.
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Ah, shut up.
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Out with Herman last night again, huh?
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Yeah, how could you tell?
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Oh, I don't know just a hunch.
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Well, in that case, the news I bring you right now is going
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to improve your sense of humor.
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You got me a date with Paul Anka!
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Well, not exactly.
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But, Alan Brady's going to Bermuda for two weeks
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and guess who's going to substitute for him?
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Somebody I like?
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Well, I don't know.
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Do you happen to like Tracy Rattigan?
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Oh?
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Oh, Racy Tracy Rattigan?
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That's right.
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Tracy Rattigan's going to do the show for two weeks.
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He's coming in to meet us soon. - Soon?
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Oh my, look at me. Look at my hair.
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Oh! - Yeah look at her, look at her.
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You mentioned the guy's name and she goes into orbit.
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What's this guy got besides an English accent?
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It isn't what he's got, it's when he hasn't got.
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What?
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Me.
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Rob, why didn't you warn me?
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Sal, I just found out.
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Oh, well I got to get going.
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Where?
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Home to take off 15 pounds.
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Boy, I don't get it.
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To me he's just another fella.
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That's because you're a fella.
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Oh?
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All the girls really flip for him.
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I'm going to call Laura and give her the big news.
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You think you'll get any kids of reaction?
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Yeah, she's been crazy about him ever since she saw him
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in that English movie about the lady lawyer who
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falls in love with a Carpenter.
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Oh yeah, I think I saw that.
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The Barrister and the Banister.
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Yeah.
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What do you suppose is keeping Sally?
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Well, I don't know.
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I guess it takes a long time to take off 15 pounds.
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You know, our new boss is going to be in here
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to meet us very quickly.
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You better get her on the phone.
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All right.
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Marge, get me Sally will you please?
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Marge, you're a witch.
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Greetings gentlemen.
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What are you made up for?
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Anything wrong with being well groomed?
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I just had my hair done, and put on
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and old dress I had lying about.
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Go on Sal, forget it.
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Rattigan's been engaged 20 times.
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Yeah, I know.
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And I'm just hoping he tries for 21.
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Here he is.
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Your star and new host, Tracy Rattigan.
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Hello, lovies.
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Sally Rogers.
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Sally Rogers, what a pretty name.
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Oh, well thank you.
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Miss Rogers, or may I call you Sally?
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Please do.
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I want you to consider me your humble servant.
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Humble servant?
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Of course.
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Well, now about your days off.
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How delightful.
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Beauty and witty.
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Hey Mr. Rattigan, I'm Buddy Sorrell.
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A pleasure shaking your talented hand Mr. Sorrell.
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I really mean it.
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You do look like a writer.
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You have that same clinical observant
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look that I've seen in the eyes of all great men of letters
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that I've met.
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Well gee, thank you very much.
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No, I'm very sincere.
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It's a pleasure to be with you.
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Thank you.
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You must be Rob Petrie.
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I know it's going to be fun working with all of you.
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I've admired your work so much.
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Thank you.
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I really have.
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Tracy, you're in good hands now.
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And I'll leave.
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If there's anything you want, just call me.
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I'll tell you what to call him.
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I really don't need a thing.
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This group can keep me quite happy.
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But, thank you for looking after me.
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Fine, fine.
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Now listen gang.
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I've got a great idea.
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Come on over here, let's all sit down on the floor.
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- Sit on the floor? - Of course.
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On the floor?
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Come on now, off we go.
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There we are.
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I always feel it sort of makes it much more informal,
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breaks the ice, and we'll get down to things.
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Huh?
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Gee, I wish I brought my jacks.
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Now lovies, where was I?
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Well, I don't know where you were,
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but you're welcome to stay where you are.
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I certainly will my little fly.
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Now, what I want you to know sweetheart,
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that I have never done a variety show before Rob.
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Hey, were even.
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We never sat on our floor before.
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Marvelous sense of humor.
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Yeah.
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I love you, really do.
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He's a bundle of laughs.
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Hi, everybody.
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Laura, grab a peace pipe, join the tribe.
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[interposing voices]
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Hello my little angel.
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I'm Tracy Rattigan.
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Hello.
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You really are beautiful, aren't you?
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Oh, thank you.
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You're a dancer, aren't you my dear?
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Yes.
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I mean, I was.
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Was?
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Don't tell me you're not still one of us.
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Oh.
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Well yes, she is-- she's one of us.
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Or, one of mine.
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Tracy, this is Laura, my wife.
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Is this foul news the truth?
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That's right, I'm his husband.
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[laughter]
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She means I'm her wife.
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Well, this is Tracy Rattigan.
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I know.
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Hey Laura, why'd you happen to come down to the office today?
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Oh, she just dropped by.
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That's not true Rob.
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I came down to meet you Mr. Rattigan.
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I'm one of your biggest fans.
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I've seen every one of your pictures.
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How wonderfully frank of you my dear.
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Makes two of us.
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Now, I want you to sit right here.
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Could you pass me the cushion Just sit down
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there you're a wonderful treat
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I'm about to display some of my hidden talent.
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This is just something I do at parties.
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Hey Rob, I thought you might be able to work it into the show.
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You know, most of the English stars
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are not actors, or comedians.
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They're people who do bird impressions.
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Bird impression?
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Oh, don't get emotional about it.
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You've been such a swell group, I'd like to give you just a few
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of the well-known birdcalls.
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Please note Rob, I do this naturally
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in the throat without the aid of any artificial thing
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in mouth at all.
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All right, a few well known birdcalls.
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Just a moment, excuse me.
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[coughs]
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[inaudible] I'm sure you've never heard before.
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[inaudible] Thank you.
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[whistling]
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Thank you.
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Secondly--
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[laughter]
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But-- Secondly, something.
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Just a little different.
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[inaudible] the bird world.
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It's quite an unusual bird.
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And I think you'll be amused by its [inaudible]
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So, sit tight for the seven headed [inaudible]..
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A little more physical.
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[whistling]
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Thank you.
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I hope you appreciate the danger that.
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Last-- Last, but definitely not least,
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something that is quite unique.
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In fact, I think I'm the only person in the bird world
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actually giving this a go.
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This bird I'm going to do for you now is very, very rare.
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In fact, it's extinct.
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But, I shall do this.
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Now, please notice, this is a very long impression.
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Tremendously high.
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When I do it, somewhere in town an [inaudible] will
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wake up and say, what was that?
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So, I'll give it a whirl.
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Absolute silence please.
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[coughing]
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Sorry loves, it seems Tracy swallowed his natural throat.
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OK.
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Hey look, as long as we all get along so keen,
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why don't we go out to dinner and bend around a few ideas?
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Oh, I'd love to.
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Unfortunately, I have an engagement tonight
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Aw, well you missed your chance to save a man's life.
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What do you mean?
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I got to go home and eat my wife's cooking.
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So, bye-bye Buddy.
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So long Buddy.
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Tally ho.
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Trace, I wonder if I might ask a favor of you.
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Super idea.
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Your wish is my command.
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I wonder If you'd give me a hand.
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I believe my leg has fallen asleep.
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Terribly sorry to hear that lovie.
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Oh, there it is.
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Won't you be needing me any more?
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Desperately oh love.
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But, foolishly I made an appointment for dinner tonight.
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Oh.
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But, sup with me tomorrow, and I shall be your slave.
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All right now, you heard him.
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My slave and I are going to sup together tomorrow.
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Well, as long as my leg's asleep,
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I might as well go home and put it to bed.
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So long everyone.
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[interposing voices]
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Oh, Mr. Dylan.
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Just [inaudible] alive, isn't she?
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She certainly is.
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I hope you appreciate what a lucky dog you are.
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I really do.
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Well, I do.
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You probably got the most gorgeous little girl for a wife
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I've ever seen in my life.
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Thank you.
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The only thing I have against marriage
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my dear, it takes the prettiest girls out of circulation.
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Oh, well thank you.
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Well honey, we better go on home now.
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See you Tracy.
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Rob-- Rob, I just saw the most marvelous idea.
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Listen to this Lauren, tell me if you don't agree.
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Why don't you and Rob pop home, have dinner at home, right?
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I'll go to the hotel, grab a bite for din din,
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make a few notes on this marvelous
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thought I've just had, dash up to your castle
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and sort of kick it around for a few hours.
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What do you say?
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Well Tracy I don't want to keep you from your appointment.
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Appointment oh love?
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Oh, the appointment, yes.
270
00:10:07,882 --> 00:10:11,152
But actually I'm sort of keep late if you know what I mean.
271
00:10:11,252 --> 00:10:13,321
It's an old friend of the family.
272
00:10:17,992 --> 00:10:19,160
So, what do you say?
273
00:10:19,260 --> 00:10:20,261
Sounds like-- I'll tell you what I'll do.
274
00:10:20,361 --> 00:10:21,762
Here's what I'll do Rob.
275
00:10:21,863 --> 00:10:24,799
I'll call you a little later for time, road directions,
276
00:10:24,899 --> 00:10:26,801
and permission to visit, hey?
277
00:10:26,901 --> 00:10:28,002
Fine.
278
00:10:28,102 --> 00:10:30,037
Listen, I've got an inspired idea.
279
00:10:30,137 --> 00:10:31,639
I really have.
280
00:10:31,739 --> 00:10:36,377
And I got it the moment I saw that beautiful wife of yours.
281
00:10:46,053 --> 00:10:46,921
What do you think?
282
00:10:47,021 --> 00:10:48,389
What do you think?
283
00:10:48,489 --> 00:10:50,625
I think that he thinks you're as desirable as I think.
284
00:10:50,725 --> 00:10:51,926
Really?
285
00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:53,861
And I also think he doesn't have too strong a feeling
286
00:10:53,961 --> 00:10:55,396
about the sanctity of marriage.
287
00:10:55,496 --> 00:10:57,031
You mean because he was flirting with me?
288
00:10:57,131 --> 00:10:58,432
That's right.
289
00:10:58,533 --> 00:11:00,134
Well, Darling, he was also flirting with Sally,
290
00:11:00,234 --> 00:11:01,736
and everybody else in this room.
291
00:11:01,836 --> 00:11:03,571
I think he's one of those poor unfortunate
292
00:11:03,671 --> 00:11:06,174
people who's trying to get the whole world to love him.
293
00:11:06,274 --> 00:11:09,544
I feel kind of sorry for him.
294
00:11:09,644 --> 00:11:12,513
Well, if he continues his little crusade after you
295
00:11:12,613 --> 00:11:13,814
at our house tonight, you're going
296
00:11:13,915 --> 00:11:16,284
to feel a lot sorrier for him.
297
00:11:19,287 --> 00:11:20,454
Rob, you wouldn't.
298
00:11:20,555 --> 00:11:22,924
Don't be so sure I wouldn't.
299
00:11:23,024 --> 00:11:25,560
Well, in that case I'm not moving out of this office
300
00:11:25,660 --> 00:11:29,730
until you promise me there'll be none of this.
301
00:11:29,830 --> 00:11:35,203
And if you don't promise, I am not budging.
302
00:11:35,303 --> 00:11:37,104
I promise, I promise I won't hit him.
303
00:11:37,204 --> 00:11:38,039
Do I have your word?
304
00:11:38,139 --> 00:11:39,473
Yes you do.
305
00:11:39,574 --> 00:11:41,375
Let's just hope that the inspired idea that Tracy has
306
00:11:41,475 --> 00:11:43,711
is for a comedy sketch.
307
00:11:43,811 --> 00:11:46,414
[music playing]
308
00:11:48,549 --> 00:11:49,617
I thought he said for 8:00.
309
00:11:49,717 --> 00:11:50,952
He's late.
310
00:11:51,052 --> 00:11:52,286
Maybe he's lost.
311
00:11:52,386 --> 00:11:53,821
You did give him the right directions I hope.
312
00:11:53,921 --> 00:11:56,624
Yeah, East Side Highway, Bronx River Parkway, you know.
313
00:11:56,724 --> 00:11:58,726
Why didn't you tell him to take the West Side Highway?
314
00:11:58,826 --> 00:11:59,994
It's much more direct.
315
00:12:00,094 --> 00:12:01,996
Yeah, but the East Side Highway is 10 minutes faster.
316
00:12:02,096 --> 00:12:03,230
Yeah, but twice as devious.
317
00:12:03,331 --> 00:12:04,865
There's much more chance he'll get lost.
318
00:12:04,966 --> 00:12:07,735
Yeah, I know that.
319
00:12:07,835 --> 00:12:09,971
I am perfectly capable of handling
320
00:12:10,071 --> 00:12:11,606
myself with Mr. Rattigan.
321
00:12:11,706 --> 00:12:13,207
Honey, let me tell you something.
322
00:12:13,307 --> 00:12:15,543
There is a lot of rat in Mr. Rattigan.
323
00:12:15,643 --> 00:12:17,878
He didn't get the name Racy Tracy because of his interest
324
00:12:17,979 --> 00:12:20,548
in sports cars you know.
325
00:12:20,648 --> 00:12:22,350
Or, did you have to see the light in his eyes
326
00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:24,418
when he saw you in the office this afternoon?
327
00:12:24,518 --> 00:12:26,420
Maybe he didn't know I was your wife then.
328
00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:27,822
Yeah that's right.
329
00:12:27,922 --> 00:12:30,725
After I told him, his eyes lit up even brighter.
330
00:12:30,825 --> 00:12:35,062
You became a much more challenging conquest for him.
331
00:12:35,162 --> 00:12:39,233
Honey, have you got a looser dress?
332
00:12:39,333 --> 00:12:41,435
Would you stop acting like I'm about to be
333
00:12:41,535 --> 00:12:43,204
carried off by pirates?
334
00:12:43,304 --> 00:12:46,407
Look, Tracy Rattigan is the star of the Alan Brady Show.
335
00:12:46,507 --> 00:12:47,842
You are his head writer.
336
00:12:47,942 --> 00:12:49,543
You have no choice but to try to make
337
00:12:49,644 --> 00:12:52,680
his two weeks on the show as pleasant and uneventful
338
00:12:52,780 --> 00:12:54,782
as possible.
339
00:12:54,882 --> 00:12:56,651
I'll get that.
340
00:12:56,751 --> 00:12:58,352
You just remember what you promised.
341
00:12:58,452 --> 00:13:01,288
All right, all right.
342
00:13:01,389 --> 00:13:04,058
Have no fear, old Trace is here.
343
00:13:04,158 --> 00:13:06,961
Hello lovie.
344
00:13:07,061 --> 00:13:08,529
Oh, there she is.
345
00:13:08,629 --> 00:13:12,366
Not since Helen of Troy has the world beheld such beauty.
346
00:13:12,466 --> 00:13:13,701
You're gorgeous.
347
00:13:13,801 --> 00:13:15,302
And there's the lucky King Menelaus.
348
00:13:15,403 --> 00:13:16,270
Hello Robby lad.
349
00:13:16,370 --> 00:13:17,638
Chill this, will you?
350
00:13:17,738 --> 00:13:19,840
You remember Menelaus, don't you?
351
00:13:19,940 --> 00:13:22,977
The lad that lost Helen of Troy to that Greek boy.
352
00:13:23,077 --> 00:13:23,878
What was his name?
353
00:13:23,978 --> 00:13:24,845
Paris, wasn't it?
354
00:13:24,945 --> 00:13:25,880
Yes.
355
00:13:25,980 --> 00:13:32,586
Always [inaudible] Absolutely spiffy.
356
00:13:32,687 --> 00:13:35,122
A complection like that, old Trace must give
357
00:13:35,222 --> 00:13:36,290
it a peck on the old cheek, ey?
358
00:13:36,390 --> 00:13:37,291
One? One?
359
00:13:37,391 --> 00:13:38,225
Just another one--
360
00:13:38,325 --> 00:13:39,627
Oh, Rob!
361
00:13:39,727 --> 00:13:42,063
Darling, why don't you let me chill the champagne.
362
00:13:42,163 --> 00:13:43,164
Capitol idea.
363
00:13:43,264 --> 00:13:44,732
Sturdy, sturdy.
364
00:13:47,702 --> 00:13:50,838
Well Robby love, should we start?
365
00:13:50,938 --> 00:13:53,040
Seems to me you've already started.
366
00:13:53,140 --> 00:13:54,608
Work I mean oh lovie.
367
00:13:54,709 --> 00:13:57,378
Why do you think I've braved your picturesque but hazardous
368
00:13:57,478 --> 00:13:58,813
Bronx River Parkway?
369
00:13:58,913 --> 00:14:00,047
Well, I don't know.
370
00:14:00,147 --> 00:14:01,615
To work of course lovie.
371
00:14:01,716 --> 00:14:02,683
To work.
372
00:14:02,783 --> 00:14:04,518
Do you always wear your tuxedo to work?
373
00:14:04,618 --> 00:14:06,487
Oh, this old thing.
374
00:14:06,587 --> 00:14:08,823
No, it's for the engagement later, you know?
375
00:14:08,923 --> 00:14:10,324
Sort of dressed ready for action what?
376
00:14:10,424 --> 00:14:11,525
[inaudible]
377
00:14:11,625 --> 00:14:15,563
And the records, and the champagne.
378
00:14:15,663 --> 00:14:16,831
They're for engagement later?
379
00:14:16,931 --> 00:14:18,165
No, no.
380
00:14:18,265 --> 00:14:21,736
The champagne and the sexy American rhythms are for here.
381
00:14:21,836 --> 00:14:23,270
I thought you said we were going to work.
382
00:14:23,370 --> 00:14:24,672
We are old lovie.
383
00:14:24,772 --> 00:14:27,208
But, after work, old Trace always treats himself
384
00:14:27,308 --> 00:14:28,576
to a glass of champagne.
385
00:14:28,676 --> 00:14:34,148
Sort of a reward for being a good boy. (LAUGHS)
386
00:14:34,248 --> 00:14:35,783
Well, I'll leave you two to work.
387
00:14:35,883 --> 00:14:37,485
I have some darning to do. - Darning?
388
00:14:37,585 --> 00:14:38,385
Don't be silly.
389
00:14:38,486 --> 00:14:39,387
You can't leave us.
390
00:14:39,487 --> 00:14:40,855
We need you here my fly.
391
00:14:40,955 --> 00:14:41,622
Don't we Robby?
392
00:14:41,722 --> 00:14:43,290
No, I don't think we do.
393
00:14:43,390 --> 00:14:44,658
You go right ahead and darn honey.
394
00:14:44,759 --> 00:14:46,227
Well, you might not need her.
395
00:14:46,327 --> 00:14:48,829
Trace just can't do without her.
396
00:14:48,929 --> 00:14:50,598
Absolutely lovely.
397
00:14:50,698 --> 00:14:52,733
Rob, you remember when I first met your wife in the office,
398
00:14:52,833 --> 00:14:55,336
I told you I had a marvelous idea.
399
00:14:55,436 --> 00:14:56,270
Do you remember?
400
00:14:56,370 --> 00:14:57,805
Yes, very well.
401
00:14:57,905 --> 00:15:01,542
Well, I got the idea because of your lovely little one.
402
00:15:01,642 --> 00:15:04,445
Tracy, tell me, what exactly was your idea?
403
00:15:11,118 --> 00:15:13,954
Well, the idea is based on, of course, the fact
404
00:15:14,054 --> 00:15:15,156
that Laura is a dancer.
405
00:15:15,256 --> 00:15:16,056
Aren't you Darling?
406
00:15:16,157 --> 00:15:16,991
Oh, yes.
407
00:15:17,091 --> 00:15:17,992
She was a dancer.
408
00:15:18,092 --> 00:15:19,326
I was.
409
00:15:19,426 --> 00:15:22,129
I thought I'd like to work out a little musical thing.
410
00:15:22,229 --> 00:15:23,097
You know, with Laura.
411
00:15:23,197 --> 00:15:24,532
You would?
412
00:15:24,632 --> 00:15:27,134
Sort of a sketch depicting the different approaches
413
00:15:27,234 --> 00:15:30,604
that certain menus to capture a girl they're dancing
414
00:15:30,704 --> 00:15:32,439
with for the very first time.
415
00:15:32,540 --> 00:15:33,974
And you would like to try this with my wife?
416
00:15:34,074 --> 00:15:36,277
Well, I certainly would if you have no objections.
417
00:15:36,377 --> 00:15:37,545
Do you my little cabbage?
418
00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:39,013
Well, as a matter of fact, Mr. Rattigan--
419
00:15:39,113 --> 00:15:40,948
You've got no objections Robby old love, have you?
420
00:15:41,048 --> 00:15:42,817
Well, to tell you the truth, I don't see that we need
421
00:15:42,917 --> 00:15:44,084
Laura to work out a sketch.
422
00:15:44,185 --> 00:15:46,020
All we need to do are write some jokes.
423
00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:46,987
Jokes, yes.
424
00:15:47,087 --> 00:15:48,055
How very true.
425
00:15:48,155 --> 00:15:49,824
You hit the nail right on the head lovie.
426
00:15:49,924 --> 00:15:53,194
But, I feel jokes are going to present themselves much more
427
00:15:53,294 --> 00:15:54,495
easily while dancing.
428
00:15:54,595 --> 00:15:56,030
You know what I mean?
429
00:15:56,130 --> 00:15:57,932
Why don't you pop that on the old record player, right.
430
00:15:58,032 --> 00:15:59,033
The old gramophone.
431
00:15:59,133 --> 00:16:00,868
Get it whirling around, a little atmosphere,
432
00:16:00,968 --> 00:16:02,536
and I'm sure Laura and I will work
433
00:16:02,636 --> 00:16:04,505
this thing out beautifully.
434
00:16:04,605 --> 00:16:06,707
Now, we need a little room, lovie.
435
00:16:06,807 --> 00:16:09,743
Now, why don't you to come over here, and relax completely.
436
00:16:09,844 --> 00:16:13,747
Have complete faith in old Trace.
437
00:16:13,848 --> 00:16:16,183
Now, listen the first one we're going to do
438
00:16:16,283 --> 00:16:18,752
is a typical ballroom flirt.
439
00:16:18,853 --> 00:16:19,920
You know what I mean?
440
00:16:20,020 --> 00:16:21,589
I'm sure you've encountered them.
441
00:16:26,393 --> 00:16:28,562
Don't stand there old lovie.
442
00:16:28,662 --> 00:16:30,931
Go get a notepad and pencil and jot
443
00:16:31,031 --> 00:16:34,802
down any bits of accidental brilliance I might babble out.
444
00:16:34,902 --> 00:16:36,737
If you think of a joke yourself, do
445
00:16:36,837 --> 00:16:38,372
feel free to pop it in, right?
446
00:16:38,472 --> 00:16:39,673
Go on my lovie.
447
00:16:39,773 --> 00:16:41,709
Chop chop, let's get the show on the road.
448
00:16:41,809 --> 00:16:43,978
This fellow is so slow.
449
00:16:46,614 --> 00:16:49,583
Now, the first one is a typical ballroom waltz.
450
00:16:49,683 --> 00:16:52,586
Let's call this one the perfume sniffer, all right?
451
00:16:52,686 --> 00:16:53,988
- All right. - Right.
452
00:16:54,088 --> 00:16:55,723
Now, his approach is usually something like this.
453
00:16:55,823 --> 00:17:00,895
He starts out by saying, hello, my name is Lionel Pest.
454
00:17:00,995 --> 00:17:02,263
What's yours?
455
00:17:02,363 --> 00:17:05,666
Mrs. Robert Petrie.
456
00:17:05,766 --> 00:17:08,035
Well, we'll think of something better a little later
457
00:17:08,135 --> 00:17:09,403
Robby lovie.
458
00:17:09,503 --> 00:17:13,774
My, you are certainly a pretty girl, and you smell so nice.
459
00:17:13,874 --> 00:17:15,876
What's the name of that perfume you're wearing?
460
00:17:15,976 --> 00:17:18,312
Now, don't tell me, let me guess.
461
00:17:18,412 --> 00:17:20,047
Do you mind if I have a sniff?
462
00:17:27,688 --> 00:17:30,991
Is it hold me close?
463
00:17:31,091 --> 00:17:32,159
No.
464
00:17:32,259 --> 00:17:35,396
That's a good one Robby, make a note of that.
465
00:17:35,496 --> 00:17:37,131
It's certainly a beautiful perfume.
466
00:17:37,231 --> 00:17:39,233
And I'm never wrong, I think just maybe
467
00:17:39,333 --> 00:17:41,068
one more sniff would get it.
468
00:17:44,204 --> 00:17:46,907
Is it kiss me now?
469
00:17:47,007 --> 00:17:47,675
No.
470
00:17:47,775 --> 00:17:49,743
Not kiss me now, ey?
471
00:17:49,843 --> 00:17:51,745
Because I think this would play terribly well once
472
00:17:51,845 --> 00:17:53,247
we get things going.
473
00:17:53,347 --> 00:17:54,148
And then you'll say--
474
00:17:54,248 --> 00:17:55,349
I think that--
475
00:17:55,449 --> 00:17:58,919
I think that-- I think Trace that I got the idea
476
00:17:59,019 --> 00:18:00,054
to open a little Champagne.
477
00:18:00,154 --> 00:18:00,754
Oh, why not lovie?
478
00:18:00,854 --> 00:18:02,022
What do you say?
479
00:18:02,122 --> 00:18:03,691
I always--
480
00:18:03,791 --> 00:18:05,592
Hey, look, [inaudible]
481
00:18:05,693 --> 00:18:10,297
[interposing voices]
482
00:18:15,602 --> 00:18:17,838
Nothing like a little champagne
483
00:18:17,938 --> 00:18:19,707
to refresh [inaudible] You have a little more.
484
00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:20,674
Don't be bashful.
485
00:18:20,774 --> 00:18:23,410
After all, you brought it.
486
00:18:23,510 --> 00:18:25,079
It did bring it, yes.
487
00:18:25,179 --> 00:18:25,913
Oh, dear me.
488
00:18:26,013 --> 00:18:27,214
I do believe I have spilled--
489
00:18:27,314 --> 00:18:29,950
But, I had an different use for it in mind.
490
00:18:30,050 --> 00:18:31,685
You know what I would do if I were you Trace?
491
00:18:31,785 --> 00:18:32,820
Yes old man?
492
00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:34,154
I think I'd get right out of here,
493
00:18:34,254 --> 00:18:36,323
and get out of those clothes before you
494
00:18:36,423 --> 00:18:37,825
catch your death of cold.
495
00:18:37,925 --> 00:18:40,494
You won't forget me, won't you old boy?
496
00:18:40,594 --> 00:18:42,696
Yes, good night.
497
00:18:42,796 --> 00:18:43,964
Excuse me.
498
00:18:49,703 --> 00:18:51,505
Does anybody know where Tracy is now?
499
00:18:51,605 --> 00:18:54,742
Oh, he's probably squeezing Bubbles out of his tuxedo.
500
00:18:58,178 --> 00:19:00,481
Rob, you're going to have to apologize to him.
501
00:19:00,581 --> 00:19:03,350
Oh, forget it Mel.
502
00:19:03,450 --> 00:19:04,718
You can't forget it.
503
00:19:04,818 --> 00:19:06,553
Tracy's probably furious right now,
504
00:19:06,653 --> 00:19:07,821
and he has every right to be.
505
00:19:07,921 --> 00:19:10,157
You have no choice but to apologize.
506
00:19:10,257 --> 00:19:11,425
Yes I have.
507
00:19:11,525 --> 00:19:12,960
Look Mel, I don't want to put you guys on the spot.
508
00:19:13,060 --> 00:19:14,561
Why don't I just go home for a couple of weeks
509
00:19:14,661 --> 00:19:15,963
and have Buddy and Sally write the show?
510
00:19:16,063 --> 00:19:18,432
That won't solve the problem.
511
00:19:18,532 --> 00:19:20,067
I'm glad you're all here.
512
00:19:23,437 --> 00:19:26,373
I suppose you told them what went on at your house
513
00:19:26,473 --> 00:19:27,841
last night, didn't you?
514
00:19:27,941 --> 00:19:30,344
Oh, well, as a matter of fact Tracy--
515
00:19:30,444 --> 00:19:31,278
What happened?
516
00:19:31,378 --> 00:19:32,546
Why?
517
00:19:32,646 --> 00:19:33,981
Did something happen at your house Rob?
518
00:19:34,081 --> 00:19:35,549
You didn't tell them Rob?
519
00:19:35,649 --> 00:19:37,518
Look Tracy, I--
520
00:19:37,618 --> 00:19:39,920
I'd like to just forget about what happened last night.
521
00:19:40,020 --> 00:19:42,890
We've all got contracts that we have to serve out.
522
00:19:42,990 --> 00:19:44,425
We also have a show to get on.
523
00:19:44,525 --> 00:19:48,295
I think the best thing to do is for us just to get to work.
524
00:19:48,395 --> 00:19:49,797
Oh, come on Rob.
525
00:19:49,897 --> 00:19:53,033
I never thought you were that sort of bloke.
526
00:19:53,133 --> 00:19:54,968
What sort of bloke do you think I am?
527
00:19:55,069 --> 00:19:57,171
Rob, why don't we talk about the opening of the show?
528
00:19:57,271 --> 00:19:59,873
Well, if you didn't tell them Rob, I'm afraid
529
00:19:59,973 --> 00:20:01,275
I'm going to have to.
530
00:20:01,375 --> 00:20:03,143
Why don't you tell them after the show next week?
531
00:20:03,243 --> 00:20:04,178
No.
532
00:20:06,613 --> 00:20:08,716
Ha ha ha.
533
00:20:08,816 --> 00:20:11,485
I only wish you could have all been there.
534
00:20:11,585 --> 00:20:14,154
He was absolutely furious.
535
00:20:14,254 --> 00:20:16,490
I was pulling your chums leg last night,
536
00:20:16,590 --> 00:20:18,092
pretending to flirt with Laura.
537
00:20:18,192 --> 00:20:20,060
He was green with jealousy.
538
00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:22,696
Now, admit it old love, you were weren't you?
539
00:20:22,796 --> 00:20:26,200
I've never seen anything like it in my life.
540
00:20:26,300 --> 00:20:29,903
I can't remember when I've had a more marvelous time.
541
00:20:30,003 --> 00:20:32,306
You had a marvelous time?
542
00:20:32,406 --> 00:20:34,675
Oh, yes, yes.
543
00:20:34,775 --> 00:20:37,444
I get such a kick out of seeing irate husbands.
544
00:20:41,415 --> 00:20:44,051
You mean, this is a regular bit with you?
545
00:20:44,151 --> 00:20:47,121
Oh, it happens everywhere I go, yes.
546
00:20:47,221 --> 00:20:48,388
Nice hobby.
547
00:20:48,489 --> 00:20:49,823
Last time, let me think.
548
00:20:49,923 --> 00:20:52,626
The Puerto Rican ambassador's wife, he was livid.
549
00:20:52,726 --> 00:20:53,761
Threw me out of the country.
550
00:20:53,861 --> 00:20:55,429
I made all the papers.
551
00:20:55,529 --> 00:20:56,864
Did you see it?
552
00:20:56,964 --> 00:20:59,766
[inaudible] gave me a five page spread.
553
00:20:59,867 --> 00:21:01,702
But, he was the best.
554
00:21:01,802 --> 00:21:03,771
You really were wonderful.
555
00:21:03,871 --> 00:21:05,105
Did you tell them what you did?
556
00:21:05,205 --> 00:21:06,940
Did you?
557
00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:09,676
Do you know what your boy did to me last night?
558
00:21:09,776 --> 00:21:13,180
He sprayed me with my own champagne!
559
00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:16,750
It looked like a bloody fountain!
560
00:21:16,850 --> 00:21:18,986
You really were too much old man.
561
00:21:19,086 --> 00:21:23,991
Really, tell me Rob, did you feel as foolish as you looked?
562
00:21:24,091 --> 00:21:26,493
Well, yes I did.
563
00:21:26,593 --> 00:21:29,429
As a matter of fact, I feel a little more foolish right now.
564
00:21:29,530 --> 00:21:31,165
Well, you mustn't old lovie.
565
00:21:31,265 --> 00:21:34,101
I want to apologize, I really do.
566
00:21:34,201 --> 00:21:37,337
It was a nasty trick on my part, and will you forgive me?
567
00:21:37,437 --> 00:21:38,805
Well, yes of course.
568
00:21:38,906 --> 00:21:40,941
After all, you just put me on.
569
00:21:41,041 --> 00:21:43,143
You weren't serious.
570
00:21:43,243 --> 00:21:46,013
It's something that you'll never really quite
571
00:21:46,113 --> 00:21:47,347
sure about, will you old lovie?
572
00:21:50,651 --> 00:21:51,819
Anyway, enough of this nonsense.
573
00:21:51,919 --> 00:21:53,053
We work until 6:00 tonight, don't we?
574
00:21:53,153 --> 00:21:54,555
Yes, that's right.
575
00:21:54,655 --> 00:21:57,691
Now, Sally my little fly, if I remember correctly you
576
00:21:57,791 --> 00:22:01,728
and I have a tentative date to sup tonight, don't we?
577
00:22:01,829 --> 00:22:05,933
Well, I tell you Tracy, my aunt Agnes is staying with me
578
00:22:06,033 --> 00:22:08,468
and she doesn't like to be left alone.
579
00:22:08,569 --> 00:22:09,536
Bring her along lovie.
580
00:22:09,636 --> 00:22:12,439
Oh, well she's over 70.
581
00:22:12,539 --> 00:22:13,340
Some other time.
582
00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:14,741
Oh, all right my fly.
583
00:22:14,841 --> 00:22:15,676
Buddy.
584
00:22:15,776 --> 00:22:17,077
Yeah.
585
00:22:17,177 --> 00:22:18,612
How about you tonight coming out with old Trace?
586
00:22:18,712 --> 00:22:20,581
Well, we'd be glad to, but Pickles and I got tickets--
587
00:22:20,681 --> 00:22:21,982
Bring Pickles along.
588
00:22:22,082 --> 00:22:23,750
I'll get you to the old champagne
589
00:22:23,851 --> 00:22:26,887
bit like brother Bobby.
590
00:22:26,987 --> 00:22:28,855
I think it'd be fun, but we've been waiting
591
00:22:28,956 --> 00:22:29,890
a long time for these tickets.
592
00:22:29,990 --> 00:22:30,791
And we, you know--
593
00:22:30,891 --> 00:22:31,825
Oh, don't worry.
594
00:22:31,925 --> 00:22:33,026
Don't give it another thought.
595
00:22:33,126 --> 00:22:34,795
Mel, the time has come old love.
596
00:22:34,895 --> 00:22:37,731
You and I at last going on the town.
597
00:22:37,831 --> 00:22:40,267
Oh, well Trace, I've got to work right
598
00:22:40,367 --> 00:22:42,135
straight through till midnight.
599
00:22:42,236 --> 00:22:43,570
A budget-- budget meeting.
600
00:22:43,670 --> 00:22:44,471
I'd love to--
601
00:22:44,571 --> 00:22:45,439
Forget it.
602
00:22:45,539 --> 00:22:46,373
Forget-- Don't apologize.
603
00:22:46,473 --> 00:22:50,077
Don't apol-- Mel, what's the name
604
00:22:50,177 --> 00:22:53,580
of that little blonde Darling who works at reception?
605
00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:54,715
Marge.
606
00:22:54,815 --> 00:22:56,216
Will you excuse me a moment gang?
607
00:22:56,316 --> 00:23:00,020
I have to leave a note at reception.
608
00:23:00,120 --> 00:23:01,021
Marge wasn't it?
609
00:23:01,121 --> 00:23:02,623
Marge, all right?
610
00:23:02,723 --> 00:23:03,590
What?
611
00:23:03,690 --> 00:23:04,558
What?
612
00:23:04,658 --> 00:23:11,565
[laughs]
613
00:23:11,665 --> 00:23:12,499
Buddy, Sal?
614
00:23:12,599 --> 00:23:14,067
SALLY: Yeah?
615
00:23:14,167 --> 00:23:15,269
What do you say we write him the best show we ever wrote?
616
00:23:15,369 --> 00:23:17,938
Even if we have to work overtime.
617
00:23:18,038 --> 00:23:20,073
I'll even give up my afternoon nap.
618
00:23:23,143 --> 00:23:24,177
I don't get it.
619
00:23:24,278 --> 00:23:25,812
After-- after the way he behaved,
620
00:23:25,912 --> 00:23:27,848
and you're all willing to work hard to make
621
00:23:27,948 --> 00:23:29,049
him look good on the show?
622
00:23:29,149 --> 00:23:32,419
Mel, what else has he got?
623
00:23:32,519 --> 00:23:33,487
Yeah.
624
00:23:33,587 --> 00:23:36,156
It's just like my aunt Agnes always says,
625
00:23:36,256 --> 00:23:38,959
you may have the world at your feet,
626
00:23:39,059 --> 00:23:41,561
but that don't stop the corns from hurting.
627
00:23:49,803 --> 00:23:52,539
TRACY RATTIGAN: To which his wife replied, really?
628
00:23:52,639 --> 00:23:56,543
He didn't say nothing to me.
629
00:23:56,643 --> 00:23:58,245
He's hot tonight isn't he?
630
00:23:58,345 --> 00:24:00,113
You know Rob, I must say it's very decent of you
631
00:24:00,213 --> 00:24:02,749
to give Tracy a farewell party after the problems you
632
00:24:02,849 --> 00:24:03,784
had with him.
633
00:24:03,884 --> 00:24:05,452
Oh, he's not a bad sort Mel.
634
00:24:05,552 --> 00:24:08,555
That is if you keep him away from your wife.
635
00:24:08,655 --> 00:24:10,190
He's behaving himself beautifully tonight.
636
00:24:10,290 --> 00:24:12,526
With him it's either performing, or flirting.
637
00:24:12,626 --> 00:24:15,095
All we have to do is keep him performing.
638
00:24:15,195 --> 00:24:19,266
Say, if you don't give me a kiss within the time I
639
00:24:19,366 --> 00:24:23,403
count three, I'm going to smash your husband against that wall.
640
00:24:23,503 --> 00:24:26,473
She's absolutely terrified, of course.
641
00:24:26,573 --> 00:24:28,742
He pulled her to him suddenly like this.
642
00:24:28,842 --> 00:24:30,010
Martinis anyone?
643
00:24:34,681 --> 00:24:37,884
You cad.
644
00:24:37,985 --> 00:24:39,486
You ruined my joke.
645
00:24:39,586 --> 00:24:41,788
Well, better your joke than your suit.
646
00:24:41,888 --> 00:24:43,090
Hey Tracy?
647
00:24:43,190 --> 00:24:44,658
Much better, yes.
648
00:24:44,758 --> 00:24:51,698
So anyway, [inaudible] grabbed the girl to him [inaudible]
649
00:24:51,798 --> 00:24:55,268
[theme music]
45611
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