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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,042 --> 00:00:01,910 [theme song] 2 00:00:02,010 --> 00:00:04,813 ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show," 3 00:00:04,913 --> 00:00:14,356 starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry 4 00:00:14,456 --> 00:00:17,325 Matthews and Mary Tyler Moore. 5 00:00:28,903 --> 00:00:30,772 We've been pacing like this for three hours now. 6 00:00:30,872 --> 00:00:32,507 If we don't come up with a sketch idea in about 7 00:00:32,607 --> 00:00:34,009 five minutes, let's go home. 8 00:00:34,109 --> 00:00:35,210 Good idea. 9 00:00:35,310 --> 00:00:36,111 Wait, I got it. 10 00:00:36,211 --> 00:00:37,112 What? 11 00:00:37,212 --> 00:00:38,747 Well, Alan thinks he's going crazy. 12 00:00:38,847 --> 00:00:40,749 He's sitting home and he keeps hearing a train. 13 00:00:40,849 --> 00:00:42,250 He looks all over, he can't see it. 14 00:00:42,350 --> 00:00:44,886 All of a sudden, his wife opens the door 15 00:00:44,986 --> 00:00:50,058 and in comes the train right into the living room. 16 00:00:52,127 --> 00:00:53,028 The bedroom? 17 00:00:56,731 --> 00:00:57,899 The bathroom? 18 00:01:02,937 --> 00:01:08,076 Hey, the whole city of New York breaks out in a rash. 19 00:01:08,176 --> 00:01:08,910 Good, good. 20 00:01:09,010 --> 00:01:10,178 And everybody starts to itch. 21 00:01:10,278 --> 00:01:11,513 Good. 22 00:01:11,613 --> 00:01:13,882 And Alan plays the doctor who comes up with a solution. 23 00:01:13,982 --> 00:01:16,084 He gets an airplane and-- 24 00:01:16,184 --> 00:01:19,087 and he sprays the whole city with calamine lotion. 25 00:01:27,829 --> 00:01:30,298 Hold it, hold it. 26 00:01:30,398 --> 00:01:31,266 Listen to this. 27 00:01:31,366 --> 00:01:32,300 Listen to this. 28 00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:34,436 (SINGING) You took the part. 29 00:01:34,536 --> 00:01:36,871 I got one, so wasn't my heart. 30 00:01:36,971 --> 00:01:40,909 So why not-- why not take all of me? 31 00:01:46,815 --> 00:01:49,584 I just felt like singing. 32 00:01:49,684 --> 00:01:50,819 All right, all right. 33 00:01:50,919 --> 00:01:52,220 Lunchtime, lunchtime. 34 00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:53,188 What kind of lunchtime? 35 00:01:53,288 --> 00:01:54,289 It's 4:30. 36 00:01:54,389 --> 00:01:56,257 Dinnertime, dinnertime. 37 00:01:56,357 --> 00:01:57,392 You're a little late. 38 00:01:57,492 --> 00:01:59,227 I only got two hands. 39 00:01:59,327 --> 00:02:01,563 Here's your pastrami, just the way you like it. 40 00:02:01,663 --> 00:02:04,466 Not too fat, not to lean, mustard on the bottom, mustard 41 00:02:04,566 --> 00:02:05,633 on the top. - Willy. 42 00:02:05,734 --> 00:02:06,468 - Piece of lettuce-- - Willy. 43 00:02:06,568 --> 00:02:07,502 --just a small-- 44 00:02:07,602 --> 00:02:09,104 Hold the commercial, will you? 45 00:02:09,204 --> 00:02:11,106 Look, you guys, we gotta come up with something that's surefire. 46 00:02:11,206 --> 00:02:12,273 Like what? 47 00:02:12,373 --> 00:02:14,375 Well, suppose that it's Alan's poker night-- 48 00:02:14,476 --> 00:02:15,710 Yeah. 49 00:02:15,810 --> 00:02:17,579 --and his wife is also having a dinner party. 50 00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:18,913 Good. 51 00:02:19,013 --> 00:02:20,348 And the problem is to call her and convince 52 00:02:20,448 --> 00:02:21,249 her he has to work late. 53 00:02:21,349 --> 00:02:22,617 That's right. 54 00:02:22,717 --> 00:02:24,219 Yeah, but she wouldn't believe him because he's a bad liar. 55 00:02:24,319 --> 00:02:25,253 That's right. 56 00:02:25,353 --> 00:02:26,788 Somebody else has to call her, but who? 57 00:02:26,888 --> 00:02:28,289 Why don't he ask his boss and have him call? 58 00:02:28,389 --> 00:02:29,924 Got to be a complete stranger, somebody 59 00:02:30,024 --> 00:02:31,426 his wife doesn't even know. 60 00:02:31,526 --> 00:02:34,629 No, he could call himself and say his car broke down. 61 00:02:34,729 --> 00:02:37,932 No, I don't like that. 62 00:02:38,032 --> 00:02:40,368 Maybe I'm stupid, but I don't see why 63 00:02:40,468 --> 00:02:41,703 his boss can't call for him. 64 00:02:41,803 --> 00:02:42,971 Hey, we gotta get a new delicatessen. 65 00:02:43,071 --> 00:02:44,372 What's the matter? 66 00:02:44,472 --> 00:02:46,875 You haven't come up with a fresh idea in months. 67 00:02:46,975 --> 00:02:48,009 I only got two hands. 68 00:02:48,109 --> 00:02:49,210 Yeah, and you only got two feet. 69 00:02:49,310 --> 00:02:50,778 Why don't you use them? Get out of here. 70 00:02:50,879 --> 00:02:51,746 Now listen to me. 71 00:02:51,846 --> 00:02:52,647 Oh, leave him alone. 72 00:02:52,747 --> 00:02:54,816 [chuckles] I like her. 73 00:02:54,916 --> 00:02:56,751 Hey, I think I got the way we can do it. 74 00:02:56,851 --> 00:02:57,952 What? 75 00:02:58,052 --> 00:02:58,920 Alan, himself, calls his wife, but he 76 00:02:59,020 --> 00:03:00,755 just disguises his voice. 77 00:03:00,855 --> 00:03:02,090 Oh, come on, Rob. 78 00:03:02,190 --> 00:03:03,424 You couldn't tell me a wife wouldn't recognize 79 00:03:03,525 --> 00:03:04,626 her own husband's voice. 80 00:03:04,726 --> 00:03:06,628 Well, if he disguises it well enough, 81 00:03:06,728 --> 00:03:08,463 maybe he uses an accent or something. 82 00:03:08,563 --> 00:03:09,764 Oh, Rob, you're wrong. 83 00:03:09,864 --> 00:03:10,698 He's right. 84 00:03:10,798 --> 00:03:13,201 Hey, where'd he go? 85 00:03:13,301 --> 00:03:14,035 He's right. 86 00:03:14,135 --> 00:03:15,904 A guy can disguise his voice. 87 00:03:16,004 --> 00:03:17,672 Did you ever hear Lon Chaney, "The Man 88 00:03:17,772 --> 00:03:18,907 with the 1,000 Voices"? 89 00:03:19,007 --> 00:03:20,275 It was "A Man with a Thousand Faces". 90 00:03:20,375 --> 00:03:24,112 Eh, faces, voices, what's the difference? 91 00:03:24,212 --> 00:03:26,814 You guys are two particular, that's why your show stinks. 92 00:03:26,915 --> 00:03:28,016 Get outta here! 93 00:03:34,088 --> 00:03:35,557 I still say a guy could disguise 94 00:03:35,657 --> 00:03:37,825 his voice well enough that his wife wouldn't recognize him. 95 00:03:37,926 --> 00:03:39,594 And I say you're wrong and I'll prove it to you. 96 00:03:39,694 --> 00:03:40,528 Come with me. 97 00:03:40,628 --> 00:03:42,030 I'll call my wife. 98 00:03:42,130 --> 00:03:44,465 Guarantee she'll recognize it's my voice in one second. 99 00:03:44,566 --> 00:03:46,734 All right, but you gotta try and make it real now. 100 00:03:46,834 --> 00:03:47,969 I'll make it real, don't worry. 101 00:03:48,069 --> 00:03:49,304 I wanna get out of here too. 102 00:03:52,173 --> 00:03:56,077 (GERMAN ACCENT) Oh, guten tag, meine fraulein. 103 00:03:56,177 --> 00:03:58,313 (COMIC ACCENT) Is this the lady of the house? 104 00:04:01,349 --> 00:04:02,283 Stop screaming. 105 00:04:02,383 --> 00:04:04,252 How did I know you were taking a bath? 106 00:04:07,822 --> 00:04:09,057 You see? 107 00:04:09,157 --> 00:04:10,391 Yeah, he's right. 108 00:04:10,491 --> 00:04:11,793 It won't work. 109 00:04:11,893 --> 00:04:14,062 Well, no, not with that hokey, comic accent that he's using. 110 00:04:14,162 --> 00:04:16,531 You gotta make it a little bit subtle, make it sound real. 111 00:04:16,631 --> 00:04:18,066 Let me in there. 112 00:04:18,166 --> 00:04:19,033 - All right, be my guest. - Let me show you want I mean. 113 00:04:19,133 --> 00:04:20,034 You're gonna call Laura? 114 00:04:20,134 --> 00:04:21,603 Yeah, I'm gonna call Laura. 115 00:04:21,703 --> 00:04:24,505 I guarantee you, as well as she knows me and knows my voice, 116 00:04:24,606 --> 00:04:25,640 I'll fool her. 117 00:04:32,747 --> 00:04:33,982 Hello. 118 00:04:34,082 --> 00:04:36,384 (ITALIAN ACCENT) Hello, uh, Dr. Rossano, please. 119 00:04:36,484 --> 00:04:37,218 Who did you want? 120 00:04:37,318 --> 00:04:38,586 (ITALIAN ACCENT) Dr. Rossano. 121 00:04:38,686 --> 00:04:40,588 This is Dr. Bonnelli. 122 00:04:40,688 --> 00:04:42,257 Well, I'm afraid you have the wrong number. 123 00:04:42,357 --> 00:04:44,259 There's no Dr. Rossano here. 124 00:04:44,359 --> 00:04:47,195 (ITALIAN ACCENT) Oh, this is not New Rochelle Hospital? 125 00:04:47,295 --> 00:04:50,164 No, it isn't, but, uh, I could look it up for you. 126 00:04:50,265 --> 00:04:52,667 (ITALIAN ACCENT) Well, if it is not too much trouble. 127 00:04:52,767 --> 00:04:53,668 Not at all, doctor. 128 00:04:53,768 --> 00:04:55,169 I'm not doing anything. 129 00:04:55,270 --> 00:04:58,473 Oh, dolce far niente. 130 00:04:58,573 --> 00:05:00,174 Dolce far niente? 131 00:05:00,275 --> 00:05:03,211 (ITALIAN ACCENT) It means how sweet to do nothing. 132 00:05:03,311 --> 00:05:07,048 Dolce far niente, what a lovely phrase. 133 00:05:07,148 --> 00:05:10,184 (ITALIAN ACCENT) And you, you have a lovely voice. 134 00:05:10,285 --> 00:05:12,420 Well, thank you, Doctor. 135 00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:13,488 So do you. 136 00:05:13,588 --> 00:05:14,956 (ITALIAN ACCENT) What do you look like? 137 00:05:15,056 --> 00:05:17,025 Well, I-- 138 00:05:17,125 --> 00:05:19,727 (ITALIAN ACCENT) Let me guess, may I? 139 00:05:19,827 --> 00:05:21,663 Well, you could try. 140 00:05:21,763 --> 00:05:24,299 (ITALIAN ACCENT) I would say you "walk in beauty, 141 00:05:24,399 --> 00:05:29,771 like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies. 142 00:05:29,871 --> 00:05:33,174 And all that's best of dark and bright 143 00:05:33,274 --> 00:05:37,645 meet in your aspect and your eyes". 144 00:05:37,745 --> 00:05:39,280 Oh, Doctor! 145 00:05:48,122 --> 00:05:49,757 That was beautiful. 146 00:05:49,857 --> 00:05:51,326 (ITALIAN ACCENT) Oh, tell me. 147 00:05:51,426 --> 00:05:54,696 Would you-- would you like to hear, "How Do I Love Thee"? 148 00:05:54,796 --> 00:05:55,697 By Wayne King? 149 00:05:59,033 --> 00:06:01,369 ROB PETRIE (ON PHONE): (ITALIAN ACCENT) Dare I call you again? 150 00:06:01,469 --> 00:06:02,503 Oh, please. 151 00:06:02,603 --> 00:06:03,705 I'd rather you wouldn't. 152 00:06:03,805 --> 00:06:05,840 (ITALIAN ACCENT) I will call you tomorrow at 2:00, 153 00:06:05,940 --> 00:06:07,075 carissima. 154 00:06:09,310 --> 00:06:12,680 [laughs] I told you. 155 00:06:12,780 --> 00:06:13,648 I told you that'd work. 156 00:06:13,748 --> 00:06:15,483 I fooled her completely. 157 00:06:15,583 --> 00:06:16,484 She fell for me. 158 00:06:16,584 --> 00:06:17,485 Me! 159 00:06:17,585 --> 00:06:19,654 Rob, you really think you fooled her? 160 00:06:19,754 --> 00:06:20,755 Of course, I did. 161 00:06:20,855 --> 00:06:22,090 Nah, she knows is was you. 162 00:06:22,190 --> 00:06:22,990 No, I tell you. 163 00:06:23,091 --> 00:06:23,925 I fooled her. 164 00:06:24,025 --> 00:06:24,859 She was entranced. 165 00:06:24,959 --> 00:06:25,827 You know something? 166 00:06:25,927 --> 00:06:26,894 You know what she thought? 167 00:06:26,995 --> 00:06:28,229 She thought that she was flirting 168 00:06:28,329 --> 00:06:29,497 with a complete stranger. 169 00:06:38,873 --> 00:06:42,076 [chuckles] 170 00:06:42,176 --> 00:06:45,146 Ah, you guys are right. 171 00:06:45,246 --> 00:06:47,682 Of course, she knew it was me all along. 172 00:06:47,782 --> 00:06:50,351 I mean, a husband couldn't-- couldn't fool his own wife. 173 00:06:50,451 --> 00:06:53,721 [chuckles] 174 00:06:59,894 --> 00:07:01,095 You guys, right. 175 00:07:01,195 --> 00:07:02,363 You were sure right. 176 00:07:02,463 --> 00:07:04,432 A man can't fool his own wife. 177 00:07:04,532 --> 00:07:07,635 Rob, you convinced me an hour and a half ago. 178 00:07:07,735 --> 00:07:09,237 But keep talking, maybe you'll convince 179 00:07:09,337 --> 00:07:11,706 yourself on your way home. 180 00:07:11,806 --> 00:07:12,607 Goodnight, Rob. 181 00:07:12,707 --> 00:07:13,641 Goodnight, Roberto. 182 00:07:33,895 --> 00:07:37,432 [laughs] 183 00:07:41,035 --> 00:07:45,006 Oh, that wife of mine. 184 00:07:45,106 --> 00:07:47,708 What a kidder, boy. 185 00:07:47,809 --> 00:07:49,811 She's so cute. 186 00:07:49,911 --> 00:07:50,845 I'm gonna kill her. 187 00:08:19,207 --> 00:08:20,341 Laura? 188 00:08:25,713 --> 00:08:26,814 Good evening, darling. 189 00:08:45,566 --> 00:08:47,401 I don't know what she meant by that. 190 00:08:50,638 --> 00:08:51,305 Hey, honey. 191 00:08:51,405 --> 00:08:52,473 What's this all about? 192 00:08:52,573 --> 00:08:53,808 We having guests for dinner? 193 00:08:53,908 --> 00:08:54,842 LAURA PETRIE: No. 194 00:08:54,942 --> 00:08:56,777 Well, what's the big occasion? 195 00:08:56,878 --> 00:08:58,813 LAURA PETRIE: Nothing, dear. 196 00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:00,648 I just felt romantic today. 197 00:09:07,355 --> 00:09:10,291 Romantic, a married woman and she-- hi. 198 00:09:10,391 --> 00:09:13,361 [chuckles] You sure look-- sure look beautiful. 199 00:09:13,461 --> 00:09:15,229 Thank you, darling. 200 00:09:15,329 --> 00:09:16,931 How was your day? 201 00:09:17,031 --> 00:09:18,566 Just marvelous. 202 00:09:18,666 --> 00:09:21,169 What ah-- what ah-- what'd you do? 203 00:09:21,269 --> 00:09:23,504 Oh, the usual, shopping, laundry, 204 00:09:23,604 --> 00:09:27,108 ran the mimeograph machine of PTA. 205 00:09:27,208 --> 00:09:29,777 Well, I guess that's the life of a housewife, 206 00:09:29,877 --> 00:09:31,512 nothing exciting ever happens. [chuckles] 207 00:09:31,612 --> 00:09:32,513 Oh, yeah? 208 00:09:34,949 --> 00:09:37,952 Well, you mean, uh-- you mean something exciting did happen? 209 00:09:38,052 --> 00:09:40,121 Mm-hmm. 210 00:09:40,221 --> 00:09:42,456 Well, come on, tell me. 211 00:09:42,557 --> 00:09:44,659 Well, I wasn't gonna tell you until after dinner, 212 00:09:44,759 --> 00:09:50,798 but darling, I bought some Armenian string cheese. 213 00:09:50,898 --> 00:09:53,100 I found it at a charming little continental restaurant. 214 00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:54,001 It's delicious. 215 00:09:54,101 --> 00:09:55,269 Taste it. 216 00:09:55,369 --> 00:09:57,638 And there's something else I did today. 217 00:09:57,738 --> 00:10:01,275 I prepared an authentic Italian dinner for you. 218 00:10:01,375 --> 00:10:02,510 Ita-- Italian? 219 00:10:02,610 --> 00:10:03,844 Mm-hmm. 220 00:10:03,945 --> 00:10:07,214 Why a-- why an Italian dinner all of a sudden? 221 00:10:07,315 --> 00:10:08,349 Well, I don't know, dear. 222 00:10:08,449 --> 00:10:10,184 It just came to me like any idea. 223 00:10:10,284 --> 00:10:12,153 I mean, after all, what inspired the radio? 224 00:10:12,253 --> 00:10:14,555 It just came to Marconi. 225 00:10:14,655 --> 00:10:19,594 Marconi, an Italian fellow, wasn't he? 226 00:10:19,694 --> 00:10:22,363 Yes. 227 00:10:22,463 --> 00:10:23,497 [phone rings] 228 00:10:23,598 --> 00:10:25,266 Never mind, darling, I'll get it. 229 00:10:27,635 --> 00:10:28,536 Hello. 230 00:10:31,572 --> 00:10:33,307 Millie, uh, listen. 231 00:10:33,407 --> 00:10:35,142 Rob and I are just about to have our dinner. 232 00:10:35,242 --> 00:10:36,210 Can I call you back? 233 00:10:36,310 --> 00:10:37,445 All right, bye-bye. 234 00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:42,750 Oh, darling, I am sorry. 235 00:10:42,850 --> 00:10:44,452 Were you expecting an important phone 236 00:10:44,552 --> 00:10:45,586 call or something? 237 00:10:45,686 --> 00:10:46,787 No, why? 238 00:10:46,887 --> 00:10:49,991 Why, I mean, the way you lunged at that phone. 239 00:10:50,091 --> 00:10:51,926 I always lunge that way. 240 00:10:54,495 --> 00:10:55,896 RITCHIE PETRIE: Hi, Daddy. 241 00:10:55,997 --> 00:10:56,897 Hey, Rich. 242 00:10:56,998 --> 00:10:57,932 Where you been hiding? 243 00:10:58,032 --> 00:10:58,833 In the bathtub. 244 00:10:58,933 --> 00:11:00,034 [laughs] 245 00:11:00,134 --> 00:11:01,969 When's Saturday, Daddy? 246 00:11:02,069 --> 00:11:03,904 Saturday, day after tomorrow. 247 00:11:04,005 --> 00:11:04,839 Good. 248 00:11:04,939 --> 00:11:06,007 Goodnight. 249 00:11:06,107 --> 00:11:07,275 Night. 250 00:11:07,375 --> 00:11:08,175 Goodnight, Mommy. 251 00:11:08,275 --> 00:11:09,944 Goodnight, dear. 252 00:11:10,044 --> 00:11:12,647 Oh, boy, only two more days. 253 00:11:12,747 --> 00:11:16,350 And then like you said, Mommy, dolce far niente. 254 00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:32,233 Dolce far niente? 255 00:11:32,333 --> 00:11:34,201 Oh, yes, that's an Italian phrase. 256 00:11:34,301 --> 00:11:37,204 It means, how sweet to do nothing. 257 00:11:37,304 --> 00:11:38,539 Isn't that cute? 258 00:11:38,639 --> 00:11:39,707 Yeah. 259 00:11:39,807 --> 00:11:42,677 Darling, would you open the wine? 260 00:11:42,777 --> 00:11:45,446 (SINGING) Dolce far niente. 261 00:11:45,546 --> 00:11:48,315 Dolce far niente. 262 00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:49,517 Niente-- 263 00:11:56,924 --> 00:11:59,627 Dolce far niente. 264 00:11:59,727 --> 00:12:01,495 She never hums my phone calls. 265 00:12:06,500 --> 00:12:07,968 Garlic bread. 266 00:12:08,069 --> 00:12:12,139 Oh, we're, ah, really, really Italian, aren't we tonight? 267 00:12:12,239 --> 00:12:13,908 I hope you like it, carissima. 268 00:12:14,008 --> 00:12:15,676 [coughs] 269 00:12:15,776 --> 00:12:17,978 What is it? 270 00:12:18,079 --> 00:12:20,281 Rob, are you all right? 271 00:12:20,381 --> 00:12:21,248 Darling, are you sure? 272 00:12:21,348 --> 00:12:22,149 I'm positive. 273 00:12:22,249 --> 00:12:23,617 I'm positive, I'm fine. 274 00:12:26,253 --> 00:12:30,024 Boy, was that train crowded tonight. 275 00:12:30,124 --> 00:12:33,761 I walked-- I had to walk back seven cars just to get a seat. 276 00:12:33,861 --> 00:12:36,464 I could have taken it 5:44 you know, 277 00:12:36,564 --> 00:12:38,499 but I figured I'd rather stand up than waste 278 00:12:38,599 --> 00:12:40,334 the 14 extra minutes. 279 00:12:40,434 --> 00:12:43,137 Even on the 5:44, I can-- you know, you can always get a seat 280 00:12:43,237 --> 00:12:45,139 on it because it's not very-- 281 00:12:45,239 --> 00:12:49,810 [clears throat] Where did you ever hear the word carissima? 282 00:12:49,910 --> 00:12:50,945 Carissima? 283 00:12:51,045 --> 00:12:52,480 I don't know, dear, but I heard someone say it. 284 00:12:52,580 --> 00:12:54,381 Well, yeah, I know, but where? 285 00:12:54,482 --> 00:12:55,516 Well, I don't remember, dar-- 286 00:12:55,616 --> 00:12:56,450 Rob, what is it? 287 00:12:56,550 --> 00:12:57,752 You seem so jumpy. 288 00:12:57,852 --> 00:12:58,953 Well, I'm-- 289 00:12:59,053 --> 00:13:00,020 I'm-- I'm very edgy. 290 00:13:00,121 --> 00:13:01,288 Well, why? 291 00:13:01,388 --> 00:13:03,924 Well, I've had a tough day at the office. 292 00:13:04,024 --> 00:13:05,860 Well, that wine, I-- 293 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:06,694 I'm sorry, dear. 294 00:13:06,794 --> 00:13:09,130 Here, you sit down and relax. 295 00:13:09,230 --> 00:13:10,364 Watch some television. 296 00:13:10,464 --> 00:13:11,899 Dinner will be ready in just a minute. 297 00:13:23,978 --> 00:13:25,012 She put me on. 298 00:13:29,917 --> 00:13:33,454 She knows darn well who made that phone call. 299 00:13:33,554 --> 00:13:34,922 MAN (ON TV): All we can tell you panel, 300 00:13:35,022 --> 00:13:37,691 is that the lady is married, she's a housewife 301 00:13:37,792 --> 00:13:39,293 and she's got a secret. 302 00:13:39,393 --> 00:13:40,528 Oh, boy. 303 00:13:54,708 --> 00:13:58,479 [clacking of piano] 304 00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:03,250 Dolce far niente. 305 00:14:03,350 --> 00:14:04,185 Morning, Rob. 306 00:14:04,285 --> 00:14:05,085 Hi. 307 00:14:05,186 --> 00:14:06,187 BUDDY SORRELL: Hi, Rob. 308 00:14:06,287 --> 00:14:07,721 Hey, listen, Rob. 309 00:14:07,822 --> 00:14:09,657 All we need is a few more jokes for the opening monologue 310 00:14:09,757 --> 00:14:10,925 and the whole show is written. 311 00:14:11,025 --> 00:14:12,459 And Buddy came up with a beaut. Tell him. 312 00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:13,928 Yeah, yeah, see if you like this. 313 00:14:14,028 --> 00:14:16,797 Alan plays a mad bird scientist and he crosses a homing 314 00:14:16,897 --> 00:14:18,365 pigeon with a woodpecker. 315 00:14:18,465 --> 00:14:20,467 The bird doesn't only deliver the message, 316 00:14:20,568 --> 00:14:22,136 it knocks on the door. 317 00:14:25,239 --> 00:14:26,040 Cute, huh? 318 00:14:26,140 --> 00:14:28,475 What do you think? 319 00:14:28,576 --> 00:14:30,911 I think that she didn't even know it was me. 320 00:14:31,011 --> 00:14:32,746 She didn't say anything about a phone call. 321 00:14:32,847 --> 00:14:34,482 Are you still harping on that bit? 322 00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:36,083 Oh, come on, Rob. 323 00:14:36,183 --> 00:14:38,185 She's teasing you because she thought you were teasing her. 324 00:14:38,285 --> 00:14:39,453 She knows it's you. 325 00:14:39,553 --> 00:14:40,955 She thought it was him. 326 00:14:41,055 --> 00:14:42,356 That's what she wants you to think. 327 00:14:42,456 --> 00:14:43,624 She knows is was you. 328 00:14:43,724 --> 00:14:45,559 You trying to tell me about her? 329 00:14:45,659 --> 00:14:47,361 You may know you, but you don't know her. 330 00:14:47,461 --> 00:14:49,697 She thought it was him. 331 00:14:49,797 --> 00:14:51,765 Well, I know her and I know you. 332 00:14:51,866 --> 00:14:53,968 And I'm telling you, she knows it's you. 333 00:14:54,068 --> 00:14:55,703 What, you think you know about us? 334 00:14:55,803 --> 00:14:57,371 But I am part of us and I don't know her. 335 00:14:57,471 --> 00:14:58,839 But I know her better than you know her, 336 00:14:58,939 --> 00:15:02,910 and I tell you that she thought it was him and not me. 337 00:15:03,010 --> 00:15:05,079 I like the way your eyes light up when you go crazy. 338 00:15:08,148 --> 00:15:10,718 Rob, if you're in such doubt, why don't you pick up a phone. 339 00:15:10,818 --> 00:15:12,152 Call her up and ask her. 340 00:15:12,253 --> 00:15:13,654 I can't do that. 341 00:15:13,754 --> 00:15:15,956 If I call her up, naturally she's gonna say it was me. 342 00:15:16,056 --> 00:15:18,559 She's not gonna admit that she was flirting with someone else. 343 00:15:18,659 --> 00:15:20,160 [snaps fingers] I know what to do. 344 00:15:20,261 --> 00:15:21,562 ROB PETRIE: What? 345 00:15:21,662 --> 00:15:23,330 Make like that Dr. Bonnelli again on the phone. 346 00:15:23,430 --> 00:15:25,065 Call Laura and ask her for a date. 347 00:15:25,165 --> 00:15:26,600 Then if she says, yes or no, you'll 348 00:15:26,700 --> 00:15:27,668 know one way or the other. 349 00:15:27,768 --> 00:15:29,203 Are you crazy? 350 00:15:29,303 --> 00:15:31,772 Now that would be the meanest thing I could possibly do, 351 00:15:31,872 --> 00:15:34,775 carry on with that stupid practical joke. 352 00:15:34,875 --> 00:15:38,379 I don't know why I ever started it in the first place. 353 00:15:38,479 --> 00:15:42,316 I am gonna call her right now and I'm gonna apologize. 354 00:15:42,416 --> 00:15:43,550 That's what I'll do. 355 00:15:43,651 --> 00:15:44,785 I've let this thing go on long enough. 356 00:15:44,885 --> 00:15:47,655 I've got to put an end to it. 357 00:15:47,755 --> 00:15:49,523 I feel like such a nut. 358 00:15:49,623 --> 00:15:50,958 I've got to tell her the truth. 359 00:15:51,058 --> 00:15:53,260 LAURA PETRIE (ON PHONE): Hello? 360 00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:55,529 Hello? 361 00:15:55,629 --> 00:15:56,997 (ITALIAN ACCENT) Hello, carissima. 362 00:15:59,466 --> 00:16:00,868 It is Dr. Bonnelli. 363 00:16:00,968 --> 00:16:01,936 Oh. 364 00:16:02,036 --> 00:16:02,836 Who is it? 365 00:16:02,937 --> 00:16:04,138 Shh. 366 00:16:04,238 --> 00:16:05,139 Hello, Doctor. 367 00:16:05,239 --> 00:16:06,040 Doctor, who? 368 00:16:06,140 --> 00:16:07,341 Millie! 369 00:16:07,441 --> 00:16:09,443 (ITALIAN ACCENT) What have you been doing, carissima? 370 00:16:09,543 --> 00:16:14,548 Well, life's the same for your carissima, dull as usual. 371 00:16:14,648 --> 00:16:15,516 Whose carissima's dull? 372 00:16:15,616 --> 00:16:17,284 Millie! 373 00:16:17,384 --> 00:16:18,619 (ITALIAN ACCENT) Dull? 374 00:16:18,719 --> 00:16:21,455 I mean, a woman of your charm so, so vibrant, 375 00:16:21,555 --> 00:16:23,857 so full of the love of life. 376 00:16:23,958 --> 00:16:25,926 You're very perceptive, Doctor. 377 00:16:26,026 --> 00:16:29,330 (ITALIAN ACCENT) Please, um, call me, Berno. 378 00:16:29,430 --> 00:16:30,664 Berno? 379 00:16:30,764 --> 00:16:33,200 Berno, what an enchanting name. 380 00:16:33,300 --> 00:16:34,401 Ooh, yeah. 381 00:16:34,501 --> 00:16:35,636 Millie! 382 00:16:38,572 --> 00:16:39,840 What was that, Berno? 383 00:16:39,940 --> 00:16:41,642 (ITALIAN ACCENT) I said, uh, and what-- 384 00:16:41,742 --> 00:16:43,410 what shall I call you? 385 00:16:43,510 --> 00:16:46,914 Oh, carissima's fine. 386 00:16:47,014 --> 00:16:49,717 (ITALIAN ACCENT) Carissima, are you married? 387 00:16:49,817 --> 00:16:53,354 Would it make a difference? 388 00:16:53,454 --> 00:16:54,254 (ITALIAN ACCENT) No, I-- 389 00:16:54,355 --> 00:16:55,289 I suppose not. 390 00:16:55,389 --> 00:16:56,757 Then why ask the question? 391 00:17:02,029 --> 00:17:03,731 (ITALIAN ACCENT) Carissima. 392 00:17:03,831 --> 00:17:05,299 Carissima, I must see you. 393 00:17:05,399 --> 00:17:08,369 I must see you this afternoon for-- for cocktails, 394 00:17:08,469 --> 00:17:10,704 the Casa Marie at 4:00. 395 00:17:10,804 --> 00:17:14,942 I'm sorry, but I can't be there. 396 00:17:15,042 --> 00:17:17,044 I could make it at 4:30 though. 397 00:17:21,382 --> 00:17:24,752 (ITALIAN ACCENT) That-- that-- that would be just fine. 398 00:17:24,852 --> 00:17:27,821 Arrivederci. 399 00:17:27,921 --> 00:17:30,491 Arrivederci-- who was that? 400 00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:31,458 Huh? 401 00:17:31,558 --> 00:17:32,693 Oh, that was Rob. 402 00:17:37,431 --> 00:17:38,665 What's the matter, Rob? 403 00:17:38,766 --> 00:17:41,368 You OK? 404 00:17:41,468 --> 00:17:43,037 She's-- she's putting me on. 405 00:17:43,137 --> 00:17:48,075 [chuckles] She just put me on, that's all. 406 00:17:48,175 --> 00:17:51,311 Wait, she-- she-- she accepted a date and that's not like her. 407 00:17:51,412 --> 00:17:53,714 I mean, she'd never do anything like that. 408 00:17:53,814 --> 00:17:56,116 She's just-- she's just kidding me. 409 00:17:56,216 --> 00:17:58,619 I played a practical joke on her and she's paying me back. 410 00:17:58,719 --> 00:17:59,553 I deserve it. 411 00:17:59,653 --> 00:18:00,487 You know something? 412 00:18:00,587 --> 00:18:02,756 I deserve that. 413 00:18:02,856 --> 00:18:04,992 Well, let's, uh, finish up this work. 414 00:18:05,092 --> 00:18:07,261 We'll do it no time, then we'll knock off early. 415 00:18:07,361 --> 00:18:08,195 How early, Rob? 416 00:18:08,295 --> 00:18:10,998 Say about 4:30? 417 00:18:11,098 --> 00:18:12,299 Come on. 418 00:18:12,399 --> 00:18:13,801 You don't really think she's gonna go down to that bar. 419 00:18:13,901 --> 00:18:15,369 No, I don't, but you do. 420 00:18:15,469 --> 00:18:18,972 Look, even if she didn't know that that was me on the phone, 421 00:18:19,073 --> 00:18:22,209 she'd never would meet a strange man in a strange bar. 422 00:18:22,309 --> 00:18:24,711 I would. 423 00:18:24,812 --> 00:18:28,215 Come on, you guys, that's enough. 424 00:18:28,315 --> 00:18:29,450 Let's get to work. 425 00:18:29,550 --> 00:18:33,887 Um, Rob, suppose Laura shows up at the bar at 4:30. 426 00:18:33,987 --> 00:18:35,756 She won't, there's not a chance. 427 00:18:35,856 --> 00:18:37,658 Well, just suppose she does. 428 00:18:37,758 --> 00:18:38,959 Then she'll be stood up. 429 00:18:39,059 --> 00:18:40,894 Look, she will not be stood up because she 430 00:18:40,994 --> 00:18:42,129 is not gonna be there. 431 00:18:42,229 --> 00:18:44,264 Now she is my wife and I know her. 432 00:18:44,364 --> 00:18:46,233 I don't know why I've carried this ridiculous thing 433 00:18:46,333 --> 00:18:47,267 on as long as I have. 434 00:18:47,367 --> 00:18:48,769 I should have told her a long time ago 435 00:18:48,869 --> 00:18:50,137 and told her the truth. 436 00:18:50,237 --> 00:18:52,906 Believe me, when I get home tonight, 437 00:18:53,006 --> 00:18:55,342 I'm gonna explain the whole ridiculous thing to her. 438 00:18:55,442 --> 00:18:57,945 Boy, she's gonna give it to you pretty good, Rob. 439 00:18:58,045 --> 00:18:58,979 Oh, no, not Laura. 440 00:18:59,079 --> 00:19:01,982 She won't say a word for months. 441 00:19:20,501 --> 00:19:22,302 Charming, charming, charming. 442 00:19:25,105 --> 00:19:26,373 Honey? 443 00:19:26,473 --> 00:19:28,175 Honey? 444 00:19:28,275 --> 00:19:29,209 Laura? 445 00:19:32,012 --> 00:19:34,481 Hey, Ritchie? 446 00:19:34,581 --> 00:19:37,117 Ritchie, where's Mamma? 447 00:19:37,217 --> 00:19:41,021 [inaudible] that's [inaudible] shopping [inaudible].. 448 00:19:52,699 --> 00:19:55,169 Dr. Bonnelli, I'll kill him! 449 00:19:55,269 --> 00:19:57,471 Oh, it can't be. 450 00:19:57,571 --> 00:19:59,907 Look, when a man comes home to see his wife 451 00:20:00,007 --> 00:20:02,042 with beautiful flowers, the least she could 452 00:20:02,142 --> 00:20:04,478 is be here to greet him. 453 00:20:04,578 --> 00:20:07,281 Now Millie, is Laura over there? 454 00:20:07,381 --> 00:20:08,682 Were she-- 455 00:20:08,782 --> 00:20:12,052 [growls] Um, well, I'm sorry. 456 00:20:12,152 --> 00:20:15,556 Chew some gum, your eye drum will pop back. 457 00:20:15,656 --> 00:20:16,890 Where have you been? 458 00:20:16,990 --> 00:20:18,559 Where have I been? 459 00:20:18,659 --> 00:20:20,360 Well, I asked you first. 460 00:20:20,460 --> 00:20:21,461 Where have you been? 461 00:20:21,562 --> 00:20:23,197 And what are you doing wearing that dress? 462 00:20:23,297 --> 00:20:25,933 I had a date, that's what I'm doing wearing that dress. 463 00:20:26,033 --> 00:20:28,669 Isn't that the dress I bought you and-- 464 00:20:28,769 --> 00:20:29,603 and-- 465 00:20:29,703 --> 00:20:30,504 And what? 466 00:20:30,604 --> 00:20:32,039 Well, I'd-- I'd-- 467 00:20:32,139 --> 00:20:35,843 I'd-- I'd-- I don't think it's right for you to wear that 468 00:20:35,943 --> 00:20:37,611 dress when I'm not with you. 469 00:20:37,711 --> 00:20:39,046 And where were ya? 470 00:20:39,146 --> 00:20:41,515 I was where I was supposed to be, at Casa Maria. 471 00:20:41,615 --> 00:20:44,985 Uh-huh, waiting for Dr. Bonnelli, I presume. 472 00:20:52,726 --> 00:20:57,130 [chuckles] Boy-- boy, did I fool you! 473 00:20:57,231 --> 00:20:59,032 Rob, why did you stand me up? 474 00:20:59,132 --> 00:21:01,134 I didn't stand you up. 475 00:21:01,235 --> 00:21:04,438 Dr. Bon-- who knew you'd go there. 476 00:21:09,543 --> 00:21:10,510 Honey, I am sorry. 477 00:21:14,014 --> 00:21:15,115 Will you sit down for just a minute? 478 00:21:15,215 --> 00:21:18,218 I'd like to try and explain. 479 00:21:18,318 --> 00:21:20,654 Here, I brought you flowers, your favorite red ones 480 00:21:20,754 --> 00:21:21,688 and the others. 481 00:21:24,958 --> 00:21:27,461 Ha, we-- just sit down for a minute. 482 00:21:27,561 --> 00:21:28,528 Will you, honey? 483 00:21:36,103 --> 00:21:38,338 Now let me try-- 484 00:21:38,438 --> 00:21:40,974 honey, it was just a silly mistake. 485 00:21:41,074 --> 00:21:42,776 It all started out in the office. 486 00:21:42,876 --> 00:21:44,745 It was an experiment for a sketch. 487 00:21:44,845 --> 00:21:47,714 We just wanted to see if a guy could disguise his voice 488 00:21:47,814 --> 00:21:50,083 and his wife wouldn't recognize him. 489 00:21:50,183 --> 00:21:52,786 Now honey, before I got a chance to explain to you, 490 00:21:52,886 --> 00:21:58,825 it got out of hand and it became an ugly, ugly practical joke. 491 00:21:58,925 --> 00:22:02,095 And I'm sorry and I apologize. 492 00:22:02,195 --> 00:22:06,199 Honey, I-- I don't blame you for not jumping to forgive me. 493 00:22:06,300 --> 00:22:08,302 I'm not even asking you to forgive me. 494 00:22:08,402 --> 00:22:11,405 I'm not even asking you to be nice to me. 495 00:22:11,505 --> 00:22:14,408 I'm just asking you to let me live here. 496 00:22:21,014 --> 00:22:22,249 Oh, boy, honey. 497 00:22:22,349 --> 00:22:23,917 I mean, it was such a relief to find out you 498 00:22:24,017 --> 00:22:26,887 knew it was me right from the beginning. 499 00:22:26,987 --> 00:22:29,022 You knew it was me right away, didn't you? 500 00:22:29,122 --> 00:22:32,559 [chuckles] 501 00:22:33,694 --> 00:22:37,097 I mean, didn't you know it was me right away? 502 00:22:37,197 --> 00:22:39,366 Honey, [clears throat] as long as I'm all dressed up 503 00:22:39,466 --> 00:22:41,969 and Ritchie's over at Millie's why don't we go to that 504 00:22:42,069 --> 00:22:44,204 Italian restaurant for dinner? 505 00:22:44,304 --> 00:22:46,573 Uh, you're not going to tell me, huh? 506 00:22:46,673 --> 00:22:49,176 No, maybe that way it'll teach you not 507 00:22:49,276 --> 00:22:51,078 to play practical jokes on me. 508 00:22:51,178 --> 00:22:53,380 Well, honey, it was just an experiment. 509 00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:56,216 We just called to see if a wife recognizes his voice. 510 00:22:56,316 --> 00:22:58,785 Now come on, you knew it was me right away, didn't you? 511 00:22:58,885 --> 00:23:02,022 [chuckles] 512 00:23:02,556 --> 00:23:03,490 Sure you did. 513 00:23:06,827 --> 00:23:09,329 Well, Millie, you should have seen Rob's face. 514 00:23:09,429 --> 00:23:12,165 He looks so cute when he's insanely jealous. 515 00:23:12,265 --> 00:23:14,267 Well, I don't imagine he'll play that joke again. 516 00:23:14,368 --> 00:23:15,001 I know. 517 00:23:15,102 --> 00:23:16,536 [phone rings] 518 00:23:16,636 --> 00:23:17,971 If Jerry did that to me, boy, would I let him have it. 519 00:23:18,071 --> 00:23:22,242 [laughs] Hello. 520 00:23:22,342 --> 00:23:24,044 Just a minute, please. 521 00:23:24,144 --> 00:23:24,978 It's Rob. 522 00:23:25,078 --> 00:23:26,613 He's doing it again. 523 00:23:26,713 --> 00:23:27,948 This time he's Hungarian. 524 00:23:28,048 --> 00:23:31,018 Well, give it to him good. 525 00:23:31,118 --> 00:23:35,555 Hello, you have the wrong number, but who cares. 526 00:23:35,655 --> 00:23:39,126 You have a charming voice and an adorable accent. 527 00:23:39,226 --> 00:23:44,798 I bet you're a tall, handsome and a wonderful-- 528 00:23:44,898 --> 00:23:45,799 tell me something. 529 00:23:45,899 --> 00:23:47,901 Do you like my voice? 530 00:23:48,001 --> 00:23:50,170 I thought you would. 531 00:23:50,270 --> 00:23:52,506 What's your name? 532 00:23:52,606 --> 00:23:55,375 Laszlo, that is Hungarian, isn't it? 533 00:23:55,475 --> 00:23:56,777 Mm-hmm. 534 00:23:56,877 --> 00:24:00,714 Laszlo, would you like to come to my house for dinner tonight? 535 00:24:00,814 --> 00:24:03,517 Well, don't worry, I'll get rid of my husband. 536 00:24:03,617 --> 00:24:05,085 Well, the quickest way to get here 537 00:24:05,185 --> 00:24:07,421 is to hop into your little car and drive over 538 00:24:07,521 --> 00:24:09,589 to the West Side Highway at-- 539 00:24:15,829 --> 00:24:16,963 how dare you, sir. 540 00:24:17,064 --> 00:24:19,232 Don't you ever call this number again! 541 00:24:22,803 --> 00:24:23,603 That wasn't you? 542 00:24:23,703 --> 00:24:25,005 No, this is me. 543 00:24:25,105 --> 00:24:29,076 Well, Rob, I thought that was you just fooling around again. 544 00:24:29,176 --> 00:24:30,610 - Come here. - Why? 545 00:24:30,710 --> 00:24:32,546 MILLIE HELPER: Rob, she really thought you were kidding. 546 00:24:32,646 --> 00:24:33,513 Yes. 547 00:24:33,613 --> 00:24:34,981 Rob, there's no reason to get angry. 548 00:24:35,081 --> 00:24:36,383 She thought that was you on the phone. 549 00:24:36,483 --> 00:24:37,651 She thought you were continuing that-- 550 00:24:37,751 --> 00:24:39,686 Rob, if you're gonna fight and be angry, 551 00:24:39,786 --> 00:24:42,022 you're just being childish. 552 00:24:42,122 --> 00:24:43,857 Rob, please, try to understand. 553 00:24:43,957 --> 00:24:45,258 Do you understand? 554 00:24:45,358 --> 00:24:47,394 I guess he understands. 555 00:24:51,097 --> 00:24:54,601 [theme song] 38368

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