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[theme music playing]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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[piano playing]
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All we need is just one joke to finish the show.
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Come up with something, Buddy, and you
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can go home to your wife.
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Oh, my wife?
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What kind of a reward is that?
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It's like winning a free ticket to Death Valley.
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Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
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You say one more joke we can go home?
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- Yeah. - I got it.
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I got it.
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And to show you how sure I am of this joke tell you what we do.
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Rob, here's your hat.
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Sally, here's your purse.
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Get ready, and we're going home. This is the big joke.
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Well, he, if he's sure, I'm sure.
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- Well, let's have it. - You ready?
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Alan says, good night, ladies and gentlemen.
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And now shock theater--
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my mother-in-law in curlers.
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[plays piano]
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And speaking of curlers--
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the only guy I know can walk into a barbershop
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and say, give me a shave and a shave.
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Yech.
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Mel, how did you like the sketch?
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Did-- did Alan like it?
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Oh, I haven't shown it to Alan yet.
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But I want to tell you that opening monologue is one
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of the funniest I've ever read.
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Oh, you really think so?
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Hey, looks like we're in good shape this week, huh?
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Oh, there is one little thing.
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What little thing?
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The middle sketch.
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The middle sketch?
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Do you mean The 17-minute middle
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sketch that took five days to write, that little thing?
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What's wrong with it?
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Well, it's just not funny.
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Aw.
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Aw, come on, Mel.
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I don't usually say this, but I think
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that sketch is one of the funniest
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we've written in months.
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Well, I'm sorry.
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It just didn't make me laugh.
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That proves it's funny.
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What did Alan say?
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I didn't show it to him.
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Why not?
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Because, as his producer, it's my job
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not to show him a bad script.
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A bad script!
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What are you talking about?
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Look, Mel, as the head writer, I say it's a good script,
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and I'm sure Alan would agree with me too.
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I'm sorry.
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There's no use--
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Mel, I could go over your head.
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Watch it, Rob.
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It's slippery up there.
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Not now, Buddy.
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Rob, he is not going to see that script.
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Now, will you please write a new sketch?
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- A new sketch? - What?
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Do you mean to say you want us to sit
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down and start all over again?
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What's the matter with you?
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Did you lose some brains along with your hair?
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Just a minute, you guys.
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Mel, let's have a moment of truth here.
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What's really bugging you about that sketch?
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It's about a man in a large corporation
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who goes up from file clerk to vice president in 17 minutes.
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Yes, and he does this by hard work,
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perseverance, dogged courage, and marrying the boss's sister.
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That has nothing to do with it.
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Nothing to do with it?
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If it wasn't for that, you'd be back washing cars.
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That's what digging in your craw, Mel.
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Just because you happen to be Alan Brady's brother-in-law,
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you don't think it's funny.
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Rob, there is no point in arguing.
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You are going to have to write a new sketch.
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No, sir, not while there's a good sketch already written.
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And very well written.
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You said it.
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Once and for all, that sketch is out.
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Mel, if that sketch is out, we are out.
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That's right, Rob.
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You tell him.
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You mean-- you mean you're quitting?
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Well, I don't see where we're doing much good around here.
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No good at all, believe me.
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Not with that attitude you're not.
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Look, Mel, the only way we will rewrite that sketch
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is if Alan Brady asks us to.
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Yeah, if it comes from the head man, fine.
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That's right.
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And if that's not satisfactory to you,
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then you'll just get yourself three new writers.
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That's right.
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Get yourself three new writers.
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OK!
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Suit yourself.
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All right. OK.
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That's it.
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Come on, gang.
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Come on.
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Come on, gang.
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I-- I rang for the elevator.
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Buddy, Sally, the elevator's here.
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Buddy, Sally, the elevator's about to go down.
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LAURA: Rob, is that you?
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Yeah, honey.
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LAURA: I'll be out in a minute, dear.
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I want to show you something.
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OK.
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Well, what do you think?
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Is that something!
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Very smart, very chic.
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I thought you'd like it.
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Oh, it's beautiful.
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You know, it gives you that real soft look.
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You don't think it needs anything done to it?
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Well, there is one little thing you might do.
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What's that?
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Take it back.
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We can't afford the money.
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I walked out of my job today.
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You what?
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Well, we wrote a sketch which I consider
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to be very, very funny.
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And Mel not only turned it down.
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He wouldn't even let Alan see it!
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Why?
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Because it was about a man who's the boss's
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brother-in-law, and it struck him just
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a little bit too close to home.
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That's all.
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I'm out of a job.
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I don't believe it.
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I just don't believe it!
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What are they going to do down there without you
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and Buddy and Sally?
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Buddy and Sally?
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You mean Benedict Arnold and Matahari?
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What do you mean?
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Honey, that's just what I mean.
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They're traitors.
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That's what they are!
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I'm swelling the ranks of the unemployed.
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Buddy and Sally still have jobs down there.
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Well, Rob, you'll never have to worry
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about being unemployed.
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Why, with your reputation, every show in town
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will be calling you.
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Well, maybe you're right.
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Maybe we'd better cut down on these lights till they call.
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You're really worried about this, aren't you?
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Well, yeah, I am.
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It's not the job either.
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You know what really bugs me?
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Buddy and Sally.
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Some friends they are.
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We were the three musketeers right up until-- we
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could-- have stood up to Mel.
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We could have all walked out of there.
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They deserted me.
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Some friends.
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Oh, Rob, they are your friends.
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They must have had their reasons.
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Darling, you sit down and relax.
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I'm going to fix dinner. I'll bring it right in.
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It's almost ready.
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Well, some friends.
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[chuckles] Yeah, yeah, Rob, you're right.
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You tell him, Rob.
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He's right.
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Yeah, we're behind you, Rob.
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Boy, some friends.
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After all we've been to each other.
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Don't even remember.
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Oh, I remember.
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Remember the first day I came to work for them.
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That was 10 years ago.
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This is it, Rob, the writer's office.
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This is where you'll be cracking the whip.
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Yeah, about that, Mr. Coolidge.
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Cooley.
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Oh, yeah, Cooley.
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I'm sorry.
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I don't understand why I was made the head writer.
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After all, Mr. Sorrell and Miss Rogers
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have been here over a year now.
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Rob, when our last head writer left, Alan wanted somebody who
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would give a new look to the show,
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bring something different, original.
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When he saw the film of your work
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he said, get me the man who did those sketches.
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But those were only done on a small local station.
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Which impressed Mr. Brady all the more.
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Well, I mean, Mr. Sorrell and Miss Rogers, don't you
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think they'll be upset?
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I mean, a novice telling them what to do?
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Don't worry about a thing.
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I'll handle it.
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Well, you think you can?
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Rob, I'm the producer.
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- Good morning, Mel! - Sally.
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Hey! Hiya, Mel.
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Hey!
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You've been worried about getting bald.
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I got good news for you.
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You are not losing your hair.
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I'm not?
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No, I just found it.
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Look there's some here and here.
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Hey, who's your friend, Mel?
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Oh, he's not my friend.
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Well, that's a point in his favor.
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Is he Married
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Yes, I am.
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Well, you just lost your point, Fred.
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Rob.
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Oh, Rob.
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Yeah, Robert Petrie, Sally and Buddy.
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Rob has been hired to be with us.
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Well, I didn't think he was hired to be against us.
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[phone rings] - I'll get it.
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Hello?
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- I hope you enjoy-- - Yeah.
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Yeah, he's here. - --being on the team.
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OK.
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Uh, Mel, Alan wants you.
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Oh, fine.
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I'll be back in a minute.
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Excuse me.
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Mr. Cooley!
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Mr. Cooley, you didn't--
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Of course he didn't.
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He never does.
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He never does what?
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He never does anything.
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Rob?
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It is Rob, isn't it?
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Yes, it is.
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Mel said you're going to be with us.
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What do you do?
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Well, I've been hired to be your writer.
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BUDDY: Writer? Hey!
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Yeah, that's good.
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We sure could use one around here.
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Here, how about some coffee?
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Oh, thank you.
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Hey, how about-- how about going
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halvies with me on a donut.
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Oh, thank a lot!
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Boy, I sure hope you can spell.
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Why don't you sit down.
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Make yourself comfortable.
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Oh.
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Hey, who'd you work for last?
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My last job was in Danville.
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Danville?
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Yeah, well, Danville, Illinois.
272
00:08:31,386 --> 00:08:32,153
It's just south of Chicago.
273
00:08:32,253 --> 00:08:33,621
- Oh. - Oh.
274
00:08:33,721 --> 00:08:35,256
Well, what did you do there, I mean besides visiting
275
00:08:35,356 --> 00:08:36,791
Chicago on your day off?
276
00:08:36,891 --> 00:08:38,559
[laughs] Well, I did about everything at that station.
277
00:08:38,659 --> 00:08:39,460
I did the weather.
278
00:08:39,560 --> 00:08:40,528
I did the news.
279
00:08:40,628 --> 00:08:42,997
I had a two-hour variety show every night.
280
00:08:43,097 --> 00:08:44,799
Mr. Brady saw some of the films of the show.
281
00:08:44,899 --> 00:08:45,967
And I guess he liked them.
282
00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:46,934
Anyway, I'm here.
283
00:08:47,035 --> 00:08:48,536
Ah, welcome aboard.
284
00:08:48,636 --> 00:08:49,604
You see, Sal?
285
00:08:49,704 --> 00:08:51,239
We finally got a talented apprentice here.
286
00:08:51,339 --> 00:08:52,907
Well, it's nice to have you with us, Rob.
287
00:08:53,007 --> 00:08:53,908
- Sure is. - Thank you.
288
00:08:54,008 --> 00:08:54,876
Come on right over here.
289
00:08:54,976 --> 00:08:55,943
Sit down, relax yourself.
290
00:08:56,044 --> 00:08:56,978
Take it easy.
291
00:08:57,078 --> 00:08:58,279
You got nothing to worry about.
292
00:08:58,379 --> 00:09:00,248
The first few days you just sit and listen.
293
00:09:00,348 --> 00:09:02,583
Yeah, and then little by little you toss in some ideas.
294
00:09:02,683 --> 00:09:04,218
And then that way you'll work your way in.
295
00:09:04,318 --> 00:09:06,154
You're going to shape up just fine.
296
00:09:06,254 --> 00:09:07,388
Well, that's very nice of you.
297
00:09:07,488 --> 00:09:09,123
I think I ought to tell you something.
298
00:09:09,223 --> 00:09:10,091
I'm-- I--
299
00:09:10,191 --> 00:09:11,059
Oh, that you're nervous?
300
00:09:11,159 --> 00:09:12,226
Aw, relax.
301
00:09:12,326 --> 00:09:13,628
We'll turn you into a professional
302
00:09:13,728 --> 00:09:14,896
in spite of yourself.
303
00:09:14,996 --> 00:09:16,030
No, you see, the reason I--
304
00:09:16,130 --> 00:09:16,964
Rob?
305
00:09:17,064 --> 00:09:18,266
Yes, Mr. Cooley?
306
00:09:21,536 --> 00:09:24,305
Alan would like you to do the opening monologue for the show.
307
00:09:24,405 --> 00:09:28,209
So would you get your staff busy on it, please?
308
00:09:28,309 --> 00:09:29,343
I'll check back with you later.
309
00:09:29,444 --> 00:09:31,846
Well, mister-- mister--
310
00:09:31,946 --> 00:09:33,114
Mr. Cooley.
311
00:09:39,687 --> 00:09:41,289
Your staff?
312
00:09:41,389 --> 00:09:44,425
Did he say your staff?
313
00:09:44,525 --> 00:10:01,776
Well-- [chuckles softly] [coughs]
314
00:10:11,252 --> 00:10:12,386
My paper clip.
315
00:10:16,357 --> 00:10:17,625
Ah, well, he's the head writer.
316
00:10:17,725 --> 00:10:19,560
He's got to have a lot of room for his head.
317
00:10:23,898 --> 00:10:25,766
Look, I didn't even ask to be the head writer.
318
00:10:25,867 --> 00:10:27,435
I would have been very happy just to be
319
00:10:27,535 --> 00:10:28,903
the third man around here.
320
00:10:29,003 --> 00:10:30,137
- Oh, sure you would. - Yeah.
321
00:10:30,238 --> 00:10:31,305
Who'd you say you were married to?
322
00:10:31,405 --> 00:10:32,773
A girl I met over in the army.
323
00:10:32,874 --> 00:10:33,708
Why?
324
00:10:33,808 --> 00:10:34,775
She related Alan Brady?
325
00:10:34,876 --> 00:10:36,244
Oh, cut it out, Buddy.
326
00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:37,778
Come on now, we've got a show to do.
327
00:10:37,879 --> 00:10:38,980
What-- what do we work on?
328
00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:39,914
Don't ask me.
329
00:10:40,014 --> 00:10:40,915
Let's ask the chief.
330
00:10:41,015 --> 00:10:42,517
I just take orders from him.
331
00:10:42,617 --> 00:10:44,418
What it's going to be today, Mr. Head Writer?
332
00:10:44,519 --> 00:10:46,854
Well, Mr. Cooley asked for an opening
333
00:10:46,954 --> 00:10:48,222
monologue for Mr. Brady.
334
00:10:48,322 --> 00:10:49,357
Why-- why don't we start with that?
335
00:10:49,457 --> 00:10:50,892
Oh, good thinking.
336
00:10:50,992 --> 00:10:53,561
That kid's a born leader.
337
00:10:53,661 --> 00:10:56,597
What kind of jokes this week, chief?
338
00:10:56,697 --> 00:10:57,932
Well, I--
339
00:10:58,032 --> 00:11:03,671
I-- I wasn't actually thinking in terms of, well, jokes.
340
00:11:03,771 --> 00:11:06,274
Well, look, why don't we do a nightclub routine.
341
00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:07,808
Yeah, that's wonderful.
342
00:11:07,909 --> 00:11:09,410
Alan just got finished playing a nightclub in Las Vegas.
343
00:11:09,510 --> 00:11:10,611
Vegas, Vegas, Vegas joke.
344
00:11:10,711 --> 00:11:11,746
Oh! Oh!
345
00:11:11,846 --> 00:11:13,214
He says, the only way to beat the gambling tables
346
00:11:13,314 --> 00:11:14,949
in Las Vegas, when you get off the plane,
347
00:11:15,049 --> 00:11:15,917
walk into the propeller.
348
00:11:16,017 --> 00:11:18,286
[laughs]
349
00:11:18,386 --> 00:11:19,320
Like that one, chief?
350
00:11:19,420 --> 00:11:20,821
Well, I-- I--
351
00:11:20,922 --> 00:11:22,390
I don't think-- I-- those--
352
00:11:22,490 --> 00:11:26,928
I had the feeling those-- those are the jokes, they're not--
353
00:11:27,028 --> 00:11:27,828
well--
354
00:11:27,929 --> 00:11:28,763
All right.
355
00:11:28,863 --> 00:11:30,031
Now, how about this.
356
00:11:30,131 --> 00:11:31,666
I just visited a hotel in Las Vegas.
357
00:11:31,766 --> 00:11:34,168
They have slot machines all over, even in the rooms.
358
00:11:34,268 --> 00:11:35,636
I lost $40 playing the sink.
359
00:11:35,736 --> 00:11:37,104
[laughs] - [laughs] Beautiful!
360
00:11:37,204 --> 00:11:38,039
Beautiful!
361
00:11:38,139 --> 00:11:38,940
Gee, that's good.
362
00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:40,274
Hey!
363
00:11:40,374 --> 00:11:41,542
And listen, Alan just drove back from Vegas.
364
00:11:41,642 --> 00:11:42,944
How about-- how about automobile jokes?
365
00:11:43,044 --> 00:11:44,145
Automobile?
366
00:11:44,245 --> 00:11:45,413
Hey, how are you on car jokes? - Cars?
367
00:11:45,513 --> 00:11:46,380
Well, as a matter of fact--
368
00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:47,882
[laughs] Beautiful.
369
00:11:47,982 --> 00:11:51,586
Look, why don't why do one where Alan says,
370
00:11:51,686 --> 00:11:53,054
I just bought a little secondhand car.
371
00:11:53,154 --> 00:11:54,188
It's a five-passenger job.
372
00:11:54,288 --> 00:11:57,558
One drives and four push.
373
00:11:57,658 --> 00:11:59,660
Hey, got any more car jokes like that?
374
00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:00,595
- No! - No?
375
00:12:00,695 --> 00:12:01,562
No?
376
00:12:01,662 --> 00:12:03,464
Well, I just think instead of doing
377
00:12:03,564 --> 00:12:05,800
a string of jokes about cars--
378
00:12:05,900 --> 00:12:08,536
You don't want to open a comedy show with jokes?
379
00:12:08,636 --> 00:12:09,870
No.
380
00:12:09,971 --> 00:12:12,473
Maybe we should open it with a Budapest string quartet.
381
00:12:12,573 --> 00:12:15,810
No, you see, I drove up from Danville in a car.
382
00:12:15,910 --> 00:12:18,145
And I noticed all the new cars along the highway.
383
00:12:18,245 --> 00:12:21,916
And I got this idea for doing an impersonation-- impersonation
384
00:12:22,016 --> 00:12:23,050
of a brand-new car.
385
00:12:23,150 --> 00:12:25,653
You want Alan to be a car?
386
00:12:25,753 --> 00:12:27,254
Well, yeah, it might be fun.
387
00:12:27,355 --> 00:12:28,389
Oh, lots of laughs.
388
00:12:28,489 --> 00:12:29,390
That's fun. Now, wait a minute.
389
00:12:29,490 --> 00:12:30,424
Wait a minute.
390
00:12:30,524 --> 00:12:32,326
Let's not be conclusion jumpers.
391
00:12:32,426 --> 00:12:33,461
This may really be something.
392
00:12:33,561 --> 00:12:35,763
I think we ought to look at it.
393
00:12:35,863 --> 00:12:38,199
Oh, yeah, well, maybe we should see.
394
00:12:38,299 --> 00:12:39,333
I think we should see.
395
00:12:39,433 --> 00:12:40,901
Why-- why don't you do it for us.
396
00:12:41,002 --> 00:12:42,903
Of course, this may not be exactly what you want in there.
397
00:12:43,004 --> 00:12:46,907
But I-- I think it-- it could be very funny.
398
00:12:47,008 --> 00:12:48,409
Alan would be-- see, Alan would be a car.
399
00:12:48,509 --> 00:12:49,343
SALLY: Mm-hmm.
400
00:12:49,443 --> 00:12:51,278
Like, see, I'm a car.
401
00:12:51,379 --> 00:12:52,546
These are headlights.
402
00:12:52,647 --> 00:12:55,282
Funny, I thought they looked like hands.
403
00:12:55,383 --> 00:12:58,786
Han-- [mumbling] all right.
404
00:12:58,886 --> 00:13:01,822
I'm a car, see, on this room-- all right.
405
00:13:01,922 --> 00:13:05,292
Well, here I am, a brand-new car on the showroom floor.
406
00:13:05,393 --> 00:13:06,727
Great to get out from under wraps.
407
00:13:06,827 --> 00:13:08,229
I'll say that.
408
00:13:08,329 --> 00:13:10,364
Everything on me too, white-side wall tires,
409
00:13:10,464 --> 00:13:11,732
air conditioning, power seat.
410
00:13:11,832 --> 00:13:12,967
Mm-hmm. Mm.
411
00:13:13,067 --> 00:13:13,834
Hmm. Hmm.
412
00:13:13,934 --> 00:13:15,770
More ways, too.
413
00:13:15,870 --> 00:13:17,905
Here comes somebody in now, a customer.
414
00:13:18,005 --> 00:13:18,806
Pretty seedy looking.
415
00:13:18,906 --> 00:13:19,840
He sees me.
416
00:13:19,940 --> 00:13:20,608
Here he comes.
417
00:13:20,708 --> 00:13:22,677
No, no, get away from me.
418
00:13:22,777 --> 00:13:23,411
Ooh!
419
00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:24,645
He's kicking the tires.
420
00:13:24,745 --> 00:13:25,379
Mm!
421
00:13:25,479 --> 00:13:29,116
Oh, boy Unh!
422
00:13:29,216 --> 00:13:31,118
He's opening the door.
423
00:13:31,218 --> 00:13:32,219
He's closing the door.
424
00:13:32,319 --> 00:13:33,421
Oh
425
00:13:33,521 --> 00:13:34,889
Now he's opening the door.
426
00:13:34,989 --> 00:13:36,390
Oh, he's getting in.
427
00:13:36,490 --> 00:13:37,892
Oh, all right.
428
00:13:37,992 --> 00:13:41,195
Stop fooling around with the steering wheel, will you.
429
00:13:41,295 --> 00:13:42,897
Now he's trying the brakes.
430
00:13:42,997 --> 00:13:45,366
Oh, don't do that.
431
00:13:45,466 --> 00:13:47,368
Why don't you try the horn, you-- beep!
432
00:13:47,468 --> 00:13:48,335
I begin my beeping.
433
00:13:48,436 --> 00:13:49,236
Beep!
434
00:13:49,336 --> 00:13:50,337
Beep!
435
00:13:50,438 --> 00:13:51,372
The keys aren't in--
436
00:13:51,472 --> 00:13:52,306
[engine sounds]
437
00:13:52,406 --> 00:13:53,474
They are! Good.
438
00:13:53,574 --> 00:13:54,408
Here comes the manager.
439
00:13:54,508 --> 00:13:55,376
He's throwing him out.
440
00:13:55,476 --> 00:13:56,844
Good for you.
441
00:13:56,944 --> 00:13:57,945
Boy.
442
00:13:58,045 --> 00:14:00,314
Hey, here comes somebody looks like my style.
443
00:14:00,414 --> 00:14:01,282
Hey, how do I look?
444
00:14:01,382 --> 00:14:02,850
Polish up the grille work.
445
00:14:02,950 --> 00:14:04,085
That's it.
446
00:14:04,185 --> 00:14:05,019
Windshield wipers straight.
447
00:14:05,119 --> 00:14:07,154
Now look racy.
448
00:14:07,254 --> 00:14:10,024
Yeah.
449
00:14:10,124 --> 00:14:11,092
Yeah, he sees me.
450
00:14:11,192 --> 00:14:12,626
Here he comes.
451
00:14:12,727 --> 00:14:14,595
Oh, he's going to open the hood.
452
00:14:14,695 --> 00:14:15,763
Ah.
453
00:14:15,863 --> 00:14:18,232
How do you like that, twin carburetors!
454
00:14:18,332 --> 00:14:21,168
[imitates hood slamming] Oh.
455
00:14:21,268 --> 00:14:22,336
Yeah, he's impressed.
456
00:14:22,436 --> 00:14:23,370
He's going over.
457
00:14:23,471 --> 00:14:24,638
He's talking to the manager now.
458
00:14:24,739 --> 00:14:25,372
Yeah.
459
00:14:25,473 --> 00:14:26,340
He's taking out a gun.
460
00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:27,641
A gun!
461
00:14:27,742 --> 00:14:30,311
Hey, what is-- he's coming over this way.
462
00:14:30,411 --> 00:14:31,512
He's getting in.
463
00:14:31,612 --> 00:14:34,348
I'm being stolen!
464
00:14:34,448 --> 00:14:35,616
[engine revving]
465
00:14:35,716 --> 00:14:36,751
Where are we going?
466
00:14:36,851 --> 00:14:38,619
Oh, no, we're out on the highway.
467
00:14:38,719 --> 00:14:39,487
Help!
468
00:14:39,587 --> 00:14:41,288
How fast am I going?
469
00:14:41,388 --> 00:14:43,090
I'm going 100 miles an hour!
470
00:14:43,190 --> 00:14:44,225
[engine sounds]
471
00:14:44,325 --> 00:14:45,593
I'm going 110.
472
00:14:45,693 --> 00:14:47,895
I'm going a quarter after 10.
473
00:14:47,995 --> 00:14:49,864
[siren sounding]
474
00:14:50,598 --> 00:14:51,665
Oh, no, it's the cops!
475
00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:52,800
Oh, they're after him.
476
00:14:52,900 --> 00:14:54,101
[gunfire]
477
00:14:54,201 --> 00:14:56,303
Oh, and they're shooting at him.
478
00:14:56,403 --> 00:14:58,472
Oh, they got me in the carburetor.
479
00:15:00,407 --> 00:15:01,242
Oh.
480
00:15:01,342 --> 00:15:02,276
I'm blacking out!
481
00:15:02,376 --> 00:15:03,811
I can't see the road.
482
00:15:03,911 --> 00:15:04,779
Look out!
483
00:15:04,879 --> 00:15:07,214
Look out!
484
00:15:07,314 --> 00:15:08,682
How do you like that?
485
00:15:12,253 --> 00:15:15,256
Right in the grille work.
486
00:15:15,356 --> 00:15:17,892
Oh, and he smashed all my window glass.
487
00:15:17,992 --> 00:15:20,227
I can't see a thing without my window glass.
488
00:15:20,327 --> 00:15:21,529
Ssss!
489
00:15:21,629 --> 00:15:23,164
And a flat tire.
490
00:15:23,264 --> 00:15:24,098
Oh, no. Help.
491
00:15:24,198 --> 00:15:25,132
Help!
492
00:15:25,232 --> 00:15:26,300
Don't leave me out here to die.
493
00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:27,568
Someone help!
494
00:15:27,668 --> 00:15:29,236
I-- oh, good. Oh, good.
495
00:15:29,336 --> 00:15:30,204
It's the wrecker.
496
00:15:30,304 --> 00:15:31,071
They're coming to save me.
497
00:15:31,172 --> 00:15:32,273
Oh, watch. Easy.
498
00:15:32,373 --> 00:15:33,407
Easy with the hook, boys. That's it.
499
00:15:33,507 --> 00:15:34,642
Oh, good.
500
00:15:43,684 --> 00:15:45,286
Well, what do you think?
501
00:15:45,386 --> 00:15:46,387
Sally, where were we?
502
00:15:46,487 --> 00:15:48,255
You had a five-passenger car.
503
00:15:48,355 --> 00:15:49,623
Yeah, one drives and four push it.
504
00:15:49,723 --> 00:15:51,325
Then we get a couple of traffic jokes.
505
00:15:51,425 --> 00:15:52,560
Five-passenger car.
506
00:15:52,660 --> 00:15:54,094
That's good.
507
00:15:54,195 --> 00:15:55,963
[typing]
508
00:15:56,063 --> 00:15:57,565
Ah, don't you think we ought to get something
509
00:15:57,665 --> 00:15:58,566
about back-seat drivers?
510
00:15:58,666 --> 00:15:59,533
That ought to be good there.
511
00:15:59,633 --> 00:16:00,835
BUDDY: Yeah, yeah.
512
00:16:00,935 --> 00:16:03,737
Got an automatic joke for backseat driver.
513
00:16:03,838 --> 00:16:06,941
Well, they treated me like a teenage head writer.
514
00:16:07,041 --> 00:16:10,678
Well, I realize I was thrown at 'em, but even so.
515
00:16:10,778 --> 00:16:12,880
No, they've gone home now, thank goodness.
516
00:16:12,980 --> 00:16:14,548
I'll be leaving in a few minutes, honey.
517
00:16:14,648 --> 00:16:16,183
I've just got to wait and see what Mr. Brady thought
518
00:16:16,283 --> 00:16:17,685
of the opening monologue.
519
00:16:17,785 --> 00:16:18,919
Because I'm the head writer.
520
00:16:19,019 --> 00:16:19,653
[door opening]
521
00:16:19,753 --> 00:16:21,088
Heh, heh, head writer.
522
00:16:21,188 --> 00:16:23,224
I'll call you back, honey.
523
00:16:23,324 --> 00:16:25,125
Did Mr. Brady see the script?
524
00:16:25,226 --> 00:16:26,160
Mm-hmm.
525
00:16:26,260 --> 00:16:27,828
Well, what'd he think of it?
526
00:16:27,928 --> 00:16:30,764
This answer your question?
527
00:16:30,865 --> 00:16:32,132
Did Mr. Brady you do that?
528
00:16:32,233 --> 00:16:34,468
Yes, and he didn't even finish reading it.
529
00:16:34,568 --> 00:16:36,237
He expected a fresh approach from you,
530
00:16:36,337 --> 00:16:40,608
unless you call those tired, old automobile jokes original.
531
00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:41,809
Well, no, no!
532
00:16:41,909 --> 00:16:42,676
I--
533
00:16:42,776 --> 00:16:43,644
You handed them in, didn't you?
534
00:16:43,744 --> 00:16:45,079
Well, yeah, I did, but--
535
00:16:45,179 --> 00:16:47,114
You better come up with something fresh by tomorrow.
536
00:16:47,214 --> 00:16:49,483
Alan's beginning to think he made a mistake.
537
00:16:49,583 --> 00:16:51,118
What, a mistake?
538
00:16:51,218 --> 00:16:52,386
Giving you the job.
539
00:16:52,486 --> 00:16:54,021
By the way, where's Sally and Buddy?
540
00:16:54,121 --> 00:16:55,623
Well, they went out.
541
00:16:55,723 --> 00:16:57,091
They went out for some coffee.
542
00:16:57,191 --> 00:16:58,425
They'll be-- they'll be back, and we'll get a right--
543
00:16:58,525 --> 00:16:59,393
right on this, Mr. Cooley.
544
00:16:59,493 --> 00:17:00,628
See you in the morning.
545
00:17:03,497 --> 00:17:05,666
Try to remember why you were hired.
546
00:17:05,766 --> 00:17:07,134
Goodnight, Bob. - Rob.
547
00:17:07,234 --> 00:17:08,168
Rob.
548
00:17:11,705 --> 00:17:13,107
Yeah, goodnight, Rob.
549
00:17:31,358 --> 00:17:34,895
Boy, Alan is sure taking a long time reading those jokes.
550
00:17:34,995 --> 00:17:37,364
Maybe his interpreter didn't show up.
551
00:17:37,464 --> 00:17:38,599
Listen, they're all great jokes.
552
00:17:38,699 --> 00:17:40,401
At most, he'll throw out one or two.
553
00:17:40,501 --> 00:17:42,603
Miss Rogers, Mr. Sorrell, I think there's something
554
00:17:42,703 --> 00:17:43,804
I better explain to you.
555
00:17:43,904 --> 00:17:45,339
You don't have to explain anything.
556
00:17:45,439 --> 00:17:46,473
You talked the producer into making you the head writer.
557
00:17:46,573 --> 00:17:47,408
We understand.
558
00:17:47,508 --> 00:17:48,575
Sure, we understand.
559
00:17:48,676 --> 00:17:50,244
About this opening--
560
00:17:50,344 --> 00:17:51,145
He liked it, huh?
561
00:17:51,245 --> 00:17:52,079
Liked it?
562
00:17:52,179 --> 00:17:53,047
He loved it!
563
00:17:53,147 --> 00:17:53,881
Naturally.
564
00:17:53,981 --> 00:17:55,416
Yeah, you stick with us, kid.
565
00:17:55,516 --> 00:17:59,353
What a fabulous idea, a shiny new car doing a monologue.
566
00:17:59,453 --> 00:18:01,088
Alan can't wait to perform it!
567
00:18:01,188 --> 00:18:01,989
Brilliant!
568
00:18:02,089 --> 00:18:02,756
Brilliant.
569
00:18:02,856 --> 00:18:04,692
You three make a great team.
570
00:18:04,792 --> 00:18:07,661
I must say I'm pleasantly surprised.
571
00:18:07,761 --> 00:18:08,996
Well, mis-- um.
572
00:18:09,096 --> 00:18:10,030
Uh.
573
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:17,671
Rob, Alan never got to see the opening jokes we wrote, did he?
574
00:18:25,479 --> 00:18:28,282
Did Alan crumple this?
575
00:18:28,382 --> 00:18:29,917
Yup, that's Alan crumple.
576
00:18:34,321 --> 00:18:35,956
I'd know it any place.
577
00:18:36,056 --> 00:18:36,957
Drop it.
578
00:18:37,057 --> 00:18:38,559
Last night, a few minutes after you
579
00:18:38,659 --> 00:18:41,128
left, Mr. Cooley came, and he wanted a whole new opening bit.
580
00:18:41,228 --> 00:18:43,897
So I had to take a chance and type my notes up.
581
00:18:43,998 --> 00:18:47,134
And you put our names on it.
582
00:18:47,234 --> 00:18:49,036
Well, yeah, I think that anything that comes out
583
00:18:49,136 --> 00:18:50,471
of this office comes from us.
584
00:18:50,571 --> 00:18:51,772
You know, I mean all of us.
585
00:18:51,872 --> 00:18:53,107
I would never have thought of a car bit
586
00:18:53,207 --> 00:18:55,209
if you hadn't mentioned cars in the first place.
587
00:18:55,309 --> 00:18:58,112
And I-- I have to admit that by putting your names on it,
588
00:18:58,212 --> 00:19:00,914
if Alan hated it, I wouldn't have to take all the blame.
589
00:19:01,015 --> 00:19:12,426
[laughs]
590
00:19:12,526 --> 00:19:13,394
Ooh!
591
00:19:13,494 --> 00:19:16,930
And my favorite paperclip.
592
00:19:26,073 --> 00:19:28,575
Here we are, darling, all ready.
593
00:19:28,676 --> 00:19:31,211
Uh, I don't feel like eating.
594
00:19:31,311 --> 00:19:33,480
But Rob, darling, it's your favorite.
595
00:19:33,580 --> 00:19:35,049
It's franks and beans and sauerkraut.
596
00:19:35,149 --> 00:19:35,983
Look here.
597
00:19:36,083 --> 00:19:37,384
Aw.
598
00:19:37,484 --> 00:19:38,285
Huh.
599
00:19:38,385 --> 00:19:40,187
[chuckles] See that?
600
00:19:40,287 --> 00:19:42,890
Right there, that's the way it used to be right there.
601
00:19:42,990 --> 00:19:44,458
That's the way what used to be?
602
00:19:44,558 --> 00:19:46,794
Buddy and Sally and I-- we were a team, just like franks
603
00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:49,863
and beans and sauerkraut.
604
00:19:49,963 --> 00:19:51,498
Well, now there's a team that sticks together.
605
00:19:51,598 --> 00:19:53,467
You can't break a team like that up.
606
00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:54,601
Let me show you something.
607
00:19:54,701 --> 00:19:55,536
Look, does that look right?
608
00:19:55,636 --> 00:19:56,537
Huh?
609
00:19:56,637 --> 00:19:57,705
Does that look right to you?
610
00:19:57,805 --> 00:19:59,139
Yeah.
611
00:19:59,239 --> 00:20:00,941
The hot dog sitting at home out of work
612
00:20:01,041 --> 00:20:04,011
while the beans and sauerkraut are downtown laughing at him.
613
00:20:04,111 --> 00:20:05,612
Rob, you're not making any sense.
614
00:20:05,713 --> 00:20:07,848
Yes, I am too making sense, honey.
615
00:20:07,948 --> 00:20:09,817
Buddy and Sally and I, we're a team.
616
00:20:09,917 --> 00:20:11,919
We're like-- like Laurel and Hardy were a team.
617
00:20:12,019 --> 00:20:13,287
They stuck together, those two guys.
618
00:20:13,387 --> 00:20:14,688
They were a team.
619
00:20:14,788 --> 00:20:16,156
If they had a fight, if one of them walked out on something,
620
00:20:16,256 --> 00:20:17,725
the other would walk right out with him.
621
00:20:17,825 --> 00:20:19,026
Yeah, darling, that's true.
622
00:20:19,126 --> 00:20:20,894
Listen, honey, people are either together
623
00:20:20,994 --> 00:20:22,863
or they're not together.
624
00:20:22,963 --> 00:20:23,997
We're together, right?
625
00:20:24,098 --> 00:20:24,698
Right.
626
00:20:24,798 --> 00:20:25,632
We're a team, right?
627
00:20:25,733 --> 00:20:26,567
Right.
628
00:20:26,667 --> 00:20:28,102
All right, then.
629
00:20:28,202 --> 00:20:29,536
If you and I had a big fight and I said I'm walking out,
630
00:20:29,636 --> 00:20:32,306
wouldn't you walk right out with me?
631
00:20:32,406 --> 00:20:35,109
Rob, that's ridiculous!
632
00:20:35,209 --> 00:20:36,443
Well, I know it is, honey.
633
00:20:36,543 --> 00:20:39,113
You see how upset they got me.
634
00:20:39,213 --> 00:20:40,848
Laura, I'm hurt.
635
00:20:40,948 --> 00:20:42,149
I'm very hurt.
636
00:20:46,353 --> 00:20:49,223
Darling, don't you want your beans and sauerkraut?
637
00:20:49,323 --> 00:20:51,425
ROB: Don't bring those traitors in this bedroom!
638
00:20:59,867 --> 00:21:01,335
Morning, honey.
639
00:21:01,435 --> 00:21:02,436
Good morning, darling.
640
00:21:02,536 --> 00:21:04,238
What's this, breakfast in the dining room?
641
00:21:04,338 --> 00:21:06,240
Well, I figured since you're a man of leisure now,
642
00:21:06,340 --> 00:21:08,442
we'd have breakfast like they do in the movies.
643
00:21:08,542 --> 00:21:09,376
Sure, why not?
644
00:21:09,476 --> 00:21:10,344
Why not?
645
00:21:10,444 --> 00:21:11,478
Every day will be Sunday.
646
00:21:11,578 --> 00:21:13,280
Boy, what a day this is going to be-- no work,
647
00:21:13,380 --> 00:21:14,782
no running for the 814.
648
00:21:14,882 --> 00:21:15,883
That's my Rob.
649
00:21:15,983 --> 00:21:17,818
Any calls?
650
00:21:17,918 --> 00:21:19,753
Darling, it's only 7:30 in the morning.
651
00:21:19,853 --> 00:21:20,654
Yeah.
652
00:21:20,754 --> 00:21:21,922
Well, that's it.
653
00:21:22,022 --> 00:21:24,525
If they haven't called by now, forget it.
654
00:21:24,625 --> 00:21:25,692
- Want some toast? - Sure.
655
00:21:25,793 --> 00:21:26,627
Why not?
656
00:21:26,727 --> 00:21:28,395
I'm not going anyplace.
657
00:21:28,495 --> 00:21:29,396
Light or dark?
658
00:21:29,496 --> 00:21:32,599
Dark, I got plenty of time.
659
00:21:32,699 --> 00:21:33,734
Three-minute eggs?
660
00:21:33,834 --> 00:21:35,936
5-minute eggs, 10-minute eggs!
661
00:21:36,036 --> 00:21:38,172
I've got nothing to look forward to for my whole life.
662
00:21:38,272 --> 00:21:39,273
[phone rings]
663
00:21:39,373 --> 00:21:40,207
Aha!
664
00:21:40,307 --> 00:21:40,941
Ha!
665
00:21:41,041 --> 00:21:42,810
I knew they'd call.
666
00:21:42,910 --> 00:21:44,945
[laughs] There's a lot more involved here
667
00:21:45,045 --> 00:21:46,813
than a 17-minute sketch, honey.
668
00:21:46,914 --> 00:21:50,050
Hello? (LAUGHING) Yeah.
669
00:21:50,150 --> 00:21:52,486
Millie wants to know if you've got any liver in the freezer.
670
00:21:56,523 --> 00:21:57,357
Millie?
671
00:21:57,457 --> 00:21:59,226
Yeah, I've got some.
672
00:21:59,326 --> 00:21:59,960
Oh, good.
673
00:22:00,060 --> 00:22:02,362
I'll call you back.
674
00:22:02,462 --> 00:22:03,397
How about that?
675
00:22:03,497 --> 00:22:05,399
After four weeks, their cat came back.
676
00:22:05,499 --> 00:22:06,333
Sure, cats come back.
677
00:22:06,433 --> 00:22:07,234
They come back.
678
00:22:07,334 --> 00:22:08,202
They're loyal.
679
00:22:08,302 --> 00:22:09,403
[doorbell rings]
680
00:22:09,503 --> 00:22:10,904
Oh, I'll get it, honey. - Oh, would you, darling?
681
00:22:11,004 --> 00:22:12,105
I think it's the laundry man.
682
00:22:12,206 --> 00:22:13,173
Just give him the bag on the chair.
683
00:22:13,273 --> 00:22:14,174
OK.
684
00:22:15,943 --> 00:22:16,743
No starch.
685
00:22:16,843 --> 00:22:17,678
I--
686
00:22:17,778 --> 00:22:19,479
Oh.
687
00:22:19,580 --> 00:22:20,814
- May I come in? - Yeah.
688
00:22:20,914 --> 00:22:21,748
Yeah, come on in.
689
00:22:21,849 --> 00:22:23,483
Thank you.
690
00:22:23,584 --> 00:22:24,551
Hello, Mel.
691
00:22:24,651 --> 00:22:25,786
Laura.
692
00:22:25,886 --> 00:22:27,221
Would you like some coffee?
693
00:22:27,321 --> 00:22:28,555
No, thank you.
694
00:22:28,655 --> 00:22:30,657
Rob, I'd like you to come back to work right now, today.
695
00:22:30,757 --> 00:22:31,892
Mel, you don't need me.
696
00:22:31,992 --> 00:22:33,360
You got Buddy and Sally still down.
697
00:22:33,460 --> 00:22:36,897
And they're very, very talented, not loyal, but talented.
698
00:22:36,997 --> 00:22:38,999
Uh, Rob, I reread your script.
699
00:22:39,099 --> 00:22:40,968
Perhaps I was a little hasty.
700
00:22:41,068 --> 00:22:43,203
True, the sketch is about a brother-in-law,
701
00:22:43,303 --> 00:22:45,439
but that's where the resemblance ends.
702
00:22:45,539 --> 00:22:46,773
He was a parasite.
703
00:22:46,873 --> 00:22:47,708
He didn't do any work.
704
00:22:47,808 --> 00:22:48,976
But I earn my money.
705
00:22:49,076 --> 00:22:52,379
Believe me, I earn in aggravation alone.
706
00:22:52,479 --> 00:22:53,347
First you quit.
707
00:22:53,447 --> 00:22:54,781
That was a matter of principle.
708
00:22:54,881 --> 00:22:56,350
And then Buddy and Sally quit.
709
00:22:56,450 --> 00:22:59,553
I had a full head of hair when I started this job!
710
00:22:59,653 --> 00:23:00,988
Buddy and Sally quit?
711
00:23:01,088 --> 00:23:02,623
Well, they stayed for a while, tried to convince me
712
00:23:02,723 --> 00:23:03,523
you were right.
713
00:23:03,624 --> 00:23:04,891
And then they left.
714
00:23:04,992 --> 00:23:07,160
Rob, I'm going to submit that script to Alan.
715
00:23:07,261 --> 00:23:09,796
Let it stand or fall on its own merit.
716
00:23:09,897 --> 00:23:12,165
Buddy and Sally quit.
717
00:23:12,266 --> 00:23:13,800
What do you say, Rob?
718
00:23:13,900 --> 00:23:15,302
How do you like that?
719
00:23:15,402 --> 00:23:18,071
The beans and the sauerkraut came through.
720
00:23:21,742 --> 00:23:22,776
Oh.
721
00:23:22,876 --> 00:23:24,144
I always dress for breakfast, Mel.
722
00:23:24,244 --> 00:23:26,880
It give the neighborhood a little class.
723
00:23:26,980 --> 00:23:28,782
I had this ready for you, too.
724
00:23:28,882 --> 00:23:30,183
Oh, thanks!
725
00:23:30,284 --> 00:23:31,718
Oh, darling, would you drop this off on your way?
726
00:23:31,818 --> 00:23:32,953
Cat's waiting.
727
00:23:37,024 --> 00:23:38,258
Well, does Alan know anything about what
728
00:23:38,358 --> 00:23:39,626
happened in here yesterday? - Nah.
729
00:23:39,726 --> 00:23:41,061
Nah.
730
00:23:41,161 --> 00:23:42,396
Well, look, don't tell him about it, will you not?
731
00:23:42,496 --> 00:23:44,131
I don't want to get Mel in trouble.
732
00:23:44,231 --> 00:23:45,832
He's a little overbearing at times, but he can't help it.
733
00:23:45,932 --> 00:23:46,733
Sure he can help.
734
00:23:46,833 --> 00:23:48,835
He could stay home.
735
00:23:48,936 --> 00:23:50,103
Don't worry about Mel.
736
00:23:50,203 --> 00:23:51,571
I had a talk with him, and I promised him
737
00:23:51,672 --> 00:23:53,340
we wouldn't say a word to Alan.
738
00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:55,475
You talked things over with Mel?
739
00:23:55,575 --> 00:23:57,244
Yeah, of course I did most of the talking.
740
00:23:57,344 --> 00:23:59,813
But I told him we wouldn't tell Alan how he almost ruined
741
00:23:59,913 --> 00:24:02,316
the show, but I worked it out so he'd
742
00:24:02,416 --> 00:24:03,684
do a couple of things for me.
743
00:24:03,784 --> 00:24:05,052
What could Mel do for you?
744
00:24:05,152 --> 00:24:06,386
[tapping on door]
745
00:24:06,486 --> 00:24:08,388
I think he's doing it right now.
746
00:24:08,488 --> 00:24:10,257
What, pounding his head against the door?
747
00:24:10,357 --> 00:24:11,525
Tell him to keep pounding.
748
00:24:11,625 --> 00:24:12,993
It might come out the shape he likes it.
749
00:24:25,806 --> 00:24:28,241
Tomorrow, cold Vichyssoise, chicken a la king,
750
00:24:28,342 --> 00:24:30,110
and any fruit that's not in season.
751
00:24:36,116 --> 00:24:38,518
Oh, you little blackmailer, you.
752
00:24:44,057 --> 00:24:47,294
[theme music playing]
50521
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