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[theme music]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
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starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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ROB: Hey, is that a beautiful brunch outfit you've got on
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Thank you.
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You know, if you keep looking that good in the morning,
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I may have to switch to an afternoon newspaper.
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Or, uh, maybe a weekly news magazine.
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Darling, are you in a good mood?
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I am now.
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Well, then, I guess it's safe for me to tell you
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that Mrs. Billings is coming over today.
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Oh, that's nice.
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Mrs. Billings is coming over today.
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Mrs. Billings.
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Honey.
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Is there a new Mrs. Billings in our neighborhood,
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or is this the Mrs. Billings who ran the amateur variety
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show last year?
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It's the same Mrs. Billings.
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That's what I thought.
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And I'll see you around.
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Rob, where are you going?
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Wherever there's no Mrs. Billings.
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Under no circumstances will I write
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and direct another amateur variety show this year.
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And you may tell Mrs. Billings that.
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Darling, she didn't say anything
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about you doing the show again.
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Yeah, I can just hear, (HIGH PITCHED VOICE)
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oh, Mr. Petrie, it's so easy for you.
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I don't know how you writers get your wonderful ideas.
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[laughing]
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Absolutely not.
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Well, darling, if you do turn her down, you'll do it gently,
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won't you?
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No.
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Turning her down gently is how I ended up doing the variety show
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last year.
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Boy, this year when she says, Mr. Petrie,
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would you do our show this year?
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I'm going to answer her with a three letter word.
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Yes?
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N-O-- exclamation point.
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[inaudible]
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Can't you forget about last year?
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No, I want to remember last year.
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I don't want to forget it.
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So that next year, I don't have to remember this year.
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Darling, it wasn't that bad.
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It wasn't that bad?
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You had some fun doing it, but you don't remember, do you?
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You don't remember how I came home that day.
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I do.
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Oh, boy, do I remember.
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I remember coming home that evening
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to find that Mrs. Billings' group was holding
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a meeting in our living room.
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And behind my back, I had been elected chairman.
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I can still hear Mrs. Billings gushing.
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Good evening, Mr. Petrie.
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Sit down, Harvey.
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Now just make yourselves comfortable, everybody,
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and we'll get started in a moment.
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Oh, Mr. Petrie, I saw your show the other night.
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Oh, thank you very much.
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Well, you can't win them all, can you?
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I'm-- I'm sorry.
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Oh!
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Oh, I don't blame you, Mr. Petrie.
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No.
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I could have turned it off.
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My husband said, why don't you turn it off?
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And I said, no, it's going to get better.
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But it didn't, did it?
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Can we bring the meeting to order, please?
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That's a very good idea.
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I have a very large agenda.
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That's wonderful.
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All right.
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I will call the committee, uh, meeting to order now.
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First of all, I would like to entertain a motion--
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How about a Hawaiian hula?
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Now, there's an entertaining motion.
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Oh.
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Thanks a lot.
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Mr. Chairman.
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Mrs. Billings.
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First, I think we ought to consider ways
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of raising money this year.
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Very well.
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I will throw the floor open for suggestions.
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Yes, Millie? - Mr. Chairman.
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Yeah, Mil.
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Mildred Helper, 146 Bonnie Meadow Road.
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Yeah.
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I'd like to make a motion.
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Well, all right.
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Go ahead.
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MILLIE: How about a boat ride up the Hudson?
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It could be a lot of fun.
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Well, we did it four years ago.
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And everybody had an awfully good time until the water
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got a little rough.
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And some of the younger children got seasick.
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And a few of the fathers were hanging over the side.
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How about a cake sale?
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Well, we'll-- we'll take that under consideration.
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[gasping]
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Uh, Mrs. Billings. - I've got it.
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I've got it.
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And really it's so obvious, I don't
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know how we overlooked it.
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Do you realize how much local talent
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we have in our own group?
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Why, I bet we have enough talent to put on a Broadway show.
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Mrs. Billings, Broadway doesn't have enough talent
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to put on a Broadway show.
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Oh, Rob, listen.
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Mrs. Billings is right. We could do it.
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And the few of us here who can't sing and dance-- well,
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we could paint the scenery.
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Uh, well, listen.
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We have great comedians here.
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Take Millie, for instance.
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Have you ever seen her impressions?
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She's terrific. Come here, Millie.
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Millie, give them your impression of Jimmy Cagney.
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Go ahead.
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(IMPERSONATING JIMMY CAGNEY) You dirty rat, you.
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You gave it to my brother.
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And my brother gave it to your brother.
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And your brother gave it to me.
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And it was running all over the house.
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It was a dirty rat.
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[applause]
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Hey, wait a-- wait a minute.
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Now, listen, honey, wait a minute.
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Do Wallace Beery.
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No, hold it. Hold it.
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I-- we don't have time for Wallace Beery.
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All right.
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Well, maybe later we'll do that.
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- OK. - Yeah, honey?
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Uh, Mrs. Honey?
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Uh, Laura.
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Mr. Chairman, I think the variety show is a great idea.
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Yeah!
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[chatter]
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Well, everybody, not just because it was my idea,
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but I do think it was brilliant. - Yeah.
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Yes.
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We could all-- [banging gavel]
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Can we have it quiet just for a moment as the chairman?
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Folks, uh, a show is not an easy thing to put on.
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Now, the average person doesn't practice law
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until he's had an education.
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A-- a doctor doesn't-- doesn't treat a patient until at least
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he's served an internship.
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Everybody thinks that show business is easy.
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Well, I want to tell you something.
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It isn't.
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Oh, we're all adults enough to expect a few problems,
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Robbie-boy. - Sure.
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A few prob-- we haven't got enough talent
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here to put on a bad show.
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[grumbling]
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Now, look, who-- who are you going to put in charge?
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You've got to have somebody with actual show
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business experience.
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You've got writing.
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You've got staging.
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You've got production and direction.
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We don't have anyone like that in this organization.
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I happen to be the only one here whose profession
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is actually show business.
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And if I was going to put on a--
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how many were actually sick on that boat ride last year?
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I nominate Rob Petrie to be in charge of our variety show.
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I second it.
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Honey, what are you doing to me?
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Oh, darling, it's for a good cause.
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And you said yourself, you're the only one
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who can put on a show. - I lied.
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I lied.
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All those in favor, say, aye.
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Aye!
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[applause]
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Congratulations, Mr. Petrie.
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And now that you're head of the whole show, what can
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we do to make your job easier?
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Impeach me.
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Oh.
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Can I rehearse my number again?
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Can I? - Well.
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Oh, all right.
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Fellas?
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Let's take it once again.
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Oh, thank you, darling.
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[music playing]
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(SINGING) Cleopatra was [inaudible] so beautiful,
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and she had certain spark.
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All famous men she swayed.
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When love came, she played.
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Beauty never fades.
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So Cleo made her mark.
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Antoni.
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Everybody.
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(SINGING) True, [inaudible],, true.
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(SINGING) That is the actual fact.
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(SINGING) True, [inaudible],, true.
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(SINGING) That is the actual fact.
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[inaudible].
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(SINGING) Romeo and Juliet, when they say [inaudible] met,
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they chose balcony C. [inaudible] same thing,
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you see, in the balcony of each movie show.
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Guess you know what I mean.
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Ask any usher.
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True, [inaudible], true.
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That is the actual fact.
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(SINGING) True, [inaudible],, true.
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(SINGING) That is the actual fact.
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Hup, hey, [inaudible].
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(SINGING) In my suburbia housewife-urbia,
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I'm busy as a bee.
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I drive the kids to school, dig a swimming pool,
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work just like a fool, husband-- what a help he is.
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He plays the golf.
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And I'm teed off.
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(SINGING) True, [inaudible],, true.
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(SINGING) That is the actual fact.
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(SINGING) True, [inaudible],, true.
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(SINGING) That is the actual--
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the truly factual-- that is the actual fact.
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[applause]
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Honey, maybe just one more time from the top.
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It needs a little polishing, and then it'll be fine.
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- Honey, look. - Just once more.
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You have been through it five times now.
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We've got to move on.
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Look, let's try the Cleopatra sketch.
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We haven't even touched that yet.
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Uh, give me, uh, Millie Helper and Harry Rogers, please.
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Ah. All set, Rob.
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Hey, is it good, Rob? I haven't seen it yet.
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Yeah, it's very good. It's funny.
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Sit down. Will you?
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Harry, we're going to take it from the part
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where Mark Antony comes home from Rome,
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and, uh, Cleopatra pretends to be very
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cold towards him, all right? - All right.
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Uh, where's Millie?
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Oh, she's right in there getting ready, Rob.
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Hey, Millie. It's just a rehearsal.
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It doesn't have to be perfect. Come on.
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That's fine.
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That's just fine, Mil.
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All right.
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Well, would you folks, uh, leave-- let us have the sofa
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there? - Oh, why, certainly.
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Thank you.
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Come on, Harvey.
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Go ahead.
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Oh, she's going to look divine.
266
00:08:56,277 --> 00:08:57,678
Just make yourself comfortable there.
267
00:08:57,779 --> 00:08:58,646
OK.
268
00:08:58,746 --> 00:09:00,047
Now I guess we're all set.
269
00:09:00,148 --> 00:09:01,916
Hey, uh, Rob, am I going to get to wear a toga?
270
00:09:02,016 --> 00:09:03,050
Oh, yeah. We'll get you a toga, Harry.
271
00:09:03,151 --> 00:09:04,185
And do I wear a helmet?
272
00:09:04,285 --> 00:09:05,653
Yeah, we'll get you a nice helmet.
273
00:09:05,753 --> 00:09:06,954
Hey.
274
00:09:07,055 --> 00:09:08,156
Rob, I was thinking maybe I would, you know,
275
00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:09,590
sort of get in the mood of the thing.
276
00:09:09,690 --> 00:09:11,492
Like, if I just sort of wore this over the shoulder
277
00:09:11,592 --> 00:09:12,226
like that.
278
00:09:12,326 --> 00:09:13,261
Oh, gee, that's fine.
279
00:09:13,361 --> 00:09:14,595
- Like a toga, huh? - Yeah.
280
00:09:14,695 --> 00:09:15,396
Good. - All right.
281
00:09:15,496 --> 00:09:16,330
OK.
282
00:09:16,431 --> 00:09:17,498
Now you make your entrance, Harry.
283
00:09:17,598 --> 00:09:18,466
All right. Where do I come from?
284
00:09:18,566 --> 00:09:19,634
Rome, Harry.
285
00:09:19,734 --> 00:09:20,601
All right.
286
00:09:20,701 --> 00:09:21,536
No.
287
00:09:21,636 --> 00:09:22,570
I mean, what room?
288
00:09:22,670 --> 00:09:23,538
Oh.
289
00:09:23,638 --> 00:09:24,906
Well, uh, make your entrance from up
290
00:09:25,006 --> 00:09:25,940
behind the bricks there. - All right.
291
00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:27,275
That'll be good.
292
00:09:27,375 --> 00:09:29,177
Uh, Miss Harding, would you make a note of that?
293
00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:31,712
Harry Rogers will enter from upstage left.
294
00:09:31,813 --> 00:09:32,914
Upstage left.
295
00:09:33,014 --> 00:09:33,848
Mhm.
296
00:09:33,948 --> 00:09:35,950
OK.
297
00:09:36,050 --> 00:09:37,151
Action.
298
00:09:43,925 --> 00:09:46,027
Harry?
299
00:09:46,127 --> 00:09:47,695
Harry?
300
00:09:47,795 --> 00:09:48,596
Yeah, Rob?
301
00:09:48,696 --> 00:09:49,997
Uh, I said action.
302
00:09:50,098 --> 00:09:51,532
Yeah.
303
00:09:51,632 --> 00:09:54,469
When I say action, that means you have to come on out.
304
00:09:54,569 --> 00:09:55,570
Oh. Oh.
305
00:09:55,670 --> 00:09:56,871
Not now.
306
00:09:56,971 --> 00:09:58,706
Will you go on back there, and wait until I say action?
307
00:09:58,806 --> 00:09:59,474
- Yeah. - No.
308
00:09:59,574 --> 00:10:00,241
I mean, wait.
309
00:10:00,341 --> 00:10:01,676
Go back and wait until I--
310
00:10:01,776 --> 00:10:02,877
I say the word, Harry.
311
00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:06,814
Action.
312
00:10:11,752 --> 00:10:12,720
Good, good, good.
313
00:10:17,892 --> 00:10:20,628
Ah, Cleopatra, my enchanted--
314
00:10:23,664 --> 00:10:27,034
at last, I have a-Rome from 'rrived.
315
00:10:27,134 --> 00:10:27,969
Harry.
316
00:10:28,069 --> 00:10:29,871
I'm-- I'm sorry, Rob.
317
00:10:29,971 --> 00:10:31,072
I'll get [inaudible]
318
00:10:31,172 --> 00:10:32,139
Hey, wait a minute, Rob. I like it.
319
00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:33,274
- Jerry, please. - No, listen.
320
00:10:33,374 --> 00:10:34,609
It'll get a bigger laugh that way.
321
00:10:34,709 --> 00:10:36,344
A-Rome from 'rrived. That's funny.
322
00:10:36,444 --> 00:10:37,512
Jerry, will you, please, sit down?
323
00:10:37,612 --> 00:10:38,679
OK. I think it's funny.
324
00:10:38,779 --> 00:10:39,614
Don't you? - OK.
325
00:10:39,714 --> 00:10:41,115
Uh, Harry, take it again, will you?
326
00:10:41,215 --> 00:10:42,383
- Sure. - W-- no, no.
327
00:10:42,483 --> 00:10:43,918
Not clear back to Rome, just-- - Oh.
328
00:10:44,018 --> 00:10:44,919
Take--
329
00:10:49,056 --> 00:10:50,091
Ah, Cleo--
330
00:10:50,191 --> 00:10:51,526
We-- we'll go past that, Harry.
331
00:10:51,626 --> 00:10:53,427
Just take it from your cue, uh, arrived from Rome.
332
00:10:53,528 --> 00:10:54,795
Arrived from Rome. - Oh.
333
00:10:54,896 --> 00:10:55,796
Oh.
334
00:10:55,897 --> 00:10:58,199
Uh, uh-- arrived from Rome.
335
00:11:01,302 --> 00:11:05,640
Mark Antony pray tell, how are things in Rome?
336
00:11:05,740 --> 00:11:06,674
You see?
337
00:11:06,774 --> 00:11:08,109
I told you she could do Wallace Beery.
338
00:11:08,209 --> 00:11:09,610
Oh, [inaudible].
339
00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:14,448
Incidentally, uh, Millie, his name
340
00:11:14,549 --> 00:11:16,450
isn't Mark Antony Pray Tell.
341
00:11:16,551 --> 00:11:20,555
It's Mark Antony, pray tell, uh, how are things in Rome?
342
00:11:20,655 --> 00:11:21,689
Go ahead.
343
00:11:21,789 --> 00:11:28,162
Mark Antony, pray tell, how are things in Rome?
344
00:11:28,262 --> 00:11:29,397
Rotten.
345
00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:34,569
And how about you, Mark Antony?
346
00:11:34,669 --> 00:11:37,939
I hear you have been unfaithful to me.
347
00:11:38,039 --> 00:11:40,174
Is this true?
348
00:11:40,274 --> 00:11:42,710
The truth is written on my lips.
349
00:11:42,810 --> 00:11:43,678
Where?
350
00:11:43,778 --> 00:11:46,113
I don't see nothing written there.
351
00:11:46,214 --> 00:11:49,784
Come closer, Cleopatra.
352
00:11:49,884 --> 00:11:51,018
Good. Good.
353
00:11:51,118 --> 00:11:52,620
Now hold the kiss.
354
00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:54,121
The longer you hold the kiss, the funnier it's going to be.
355
00:11:54,221 --> 00:11:56,791
It ain't that funny, Rob.
356
00:11:56,891 --> 00:11:58,125
Keep holding, kids.
357
00:11:58,225 --> 00:11:59,227
I don't like it, Rob.
358
00:11:59,327 --> 00:12:00,861
All right. Uh, all right.
359
00:12:00,962 --> 00:12:01,862
Now, say your line, Harry.
360
00:12:04,899 --> 00:12:06,634
Did you read my message?
361
00:12:06,734 --> 00:12:07,335
Not yet.
362
00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:09,503
I'm a slow reader.
363
00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:10,705
That's the punchline.
364
00:12:10,805 --> 00:12:11,772
That's it.
365
00:12:11,872 --> 00:12:13,140
I-- I don't think it's very funny, Rob.
366
00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:14,041
Can-- can I see you alone privately?
367
00:12:14,141 --> 00:12:15,443
Huh?
368
00:12:15,543 --> 00:12:16,210
I want to see you in the kitchen privately, Rob.
369
00:12:16,310 --> 00:12:17,244
All right.
370
00:12:17,345 --> 00:12:18,379
Uh, take a coffee break, kids.
371
00:12:18,479 --> 00:12:19,647
We'll try it again in five minutes.
372
00:12:19,747 --> 00:12:21,015
Shall we work on it while they're gone?
373
00:12:21,115 --> 00:12:22,116
MILLIE: Yeah, that's a good idea.
374
00:12:22,216 --> 00:12:23,150
Uh, no, no. No more rehearsal.
375
00:12:23,250 --> 00:12:24,218
It's, uh-- it's a coffee break.
376
00:12:24,318 --> 00:12:25,152
You heard the director.
377
00:12:25,252 --> 00:12:27,221
Drink coffee, Millie.
378
00:12:27,321 --> 00:12:28,356
Rob.
379
00:12:28,456 --> 00:12:29,490
Jerry, what's the matter with you?
380
00:12:29,590 --> 00:12:30,958
I'll get right to the point, Rob.
381
00:12:31,058 --> 00:12:33,160
I-- I don't want Millie playing the part of Cleopatra.
382
00:12:33,261 --> 00:12:34,295
Why not?
383
00:12:34,395 --> 00:12:35,763
Well, uh, she's-- she's too short.
384
00:12:38,199 --> 00:12:39,600
Cleopatra was short.
385
00:12:39,700 --> 00:12:40,868
Well, then, she's too tall.
386
00:12:40,968 --> 00:12:42,870
I just don't want her playing the part.
387
00:12:42,970 --> 00:12:43,938
Why not?
388
00:12:44,038 --> 00:12:45,239
Well, uh, she's not good enough.
389
00:12:45,339 --> 00:12:46,374
What are you talking about, Jerry?
390
00:12:46,474 --> 00:12:48,075
She's great. - Well, that's just it.
391
00:12:48,175 --> 00:12:49,210
That's it. She'll be discovered.
392
00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:50,578
She'll become a big Broadway star.
393
00:12:50,678 --> 00:12:53,347
I can kiss my happy home life goodbye.
394
00:12:53,447 --> 00:12:54,749
She's not quite that good, Jerry.
395
00:12:54,849 --> 00:12:56,684
Well, then why-- why waste your time?
396
00:12:56,784 --> 00:12:58,419
Get somebody who can become a big Broadway star.
397
00:12:58,519 --> 00:12:59,553
Now, look, Rob.
398
00:12:59,654 --> 00:13:00,821
I don't want her playing the part.
399
00:13:00,921 --> 00:13:02,323
And I just don't want to talk about it.
400
00:13:02,423 --> 00:13:04,792
Jerry, are you upset because another man
401
00:13:04,892 --> 00:13:05,960
is kissing your wife?
402
00:13:06,060 --> 00:13:07,361
No, I'm not.
403
00:13:07,461 --> 00:13:10,731
I'm upset because my wife is kissing another man.
404
00:13:10,831 --> 00:13:11,832
Oh, Jerry.
405
00:13:11,932 --> 00:13:14,435
He-- he's giving her a-- a stage kiss.
406
00:13:14,535 --> 00:13:16,904
Well, let him go kiss a stage.
407
00:13:17,004 --> 00:13:18,572
I just don't want him kissing my wife.
408
00:13:18,673 --> 00:13:19,507
Look.
409
00:13:19,607 --> 00:13:20,741
They hardly know each other at all.
410
00:13:20,841 --> 00:13:22,109
They're practically strangers, Jerry.
411
00:13:22,209 --> 00:13:23,944
Not anymore, Buddy.
412
00:13:24,045 --> 00:13:26,614
HARRY: The truth is written on my lips.
413
00:13:26,714 --> 00:13:28,683
MILLIE: I don't see nothing written there.
414
00:13:28,783 --> 00:13:30,451
HARRY: Come closer, Cleopatra.
415
00:13:30,551 --> 00:13:32,019
Stop rehearsing in there.
416
00:13:32,119 --> 00:13:33,888
You're supposed to be drinking coffee, Millie.
417
00:13:33,988 --> 00:13:34,922
Drink!
418
00:13:35,022 --> 00:13:37,124
See?
419
00:13:37,224 --> 00:13:38,059
Jerry.
420
00:13:38,159 --> 00:13:39,226
Look, Jerry.
421
00:13:39,326 --> 00:13:40,361
It doesn't mean anything to Millie.
422
00:13:40,461 --> 00:13:42,329
And it means nothing to Harry Rogers.
423
00:13:42,430 --> 00:13:43,764
Well, it means something to me.
424
00:13:43,864 --> 00:13:45,833
He's an actor kissing an actress.
425
00:13:45,933 --> 00:13:46,834
It's-- it's theatre art.
426
00:13:46,934 --> 00:13:48,069
Mhm.
427
00:13:48,169 --> 00:13:49,937
It's the mother of my children kissing the father
428
00:13:50,037 --> 00:13:50,971
of somebody else's children.
429
00:13:51,072 --> 00:13:51,906
And it's not art.
430
00:13:52,006 --> 00:13:53,874
It's disgusting.
431
00:13:53,974 --> 00:13:55,976
They-- they're doing it for the PTA.
432
00:13:56,077 --> 00:13:57,244
It's a good cause.
433
00:13:57,344 --> 00:13:58,546
Well, you wouldn't let your wife do it.
434
00:13:58,646 --> 00:13:59,714
Oh, of course I would.
435
00:13:59,814 --> 00:14:01,248
Then it's settled. Millie's out.
436
00:14:01,348 --> 00:14:02,850
Laura's in. - All right.
437
00:14:02,950 --> 00:14:03,684
All right.
438
00:14:03,784 --> 00:14:04,952
Millie is out, and Laura is in.
439
00:14:05,052 --> 00:14:06,387
Oh, boy.
440
00:14:06,487 --> 00:14:08,289
Rob, do you really have enough guts to let your wife
441
00:14:08,389 --> 00:14:10,424
get kissed by hang lip Harry?
442
00:14:10,524 --> 00:14:11,659
Yes, I have.
443
00:14:14,628 --> 00:14:17,131
Ah, Cleopatra, my enchanted.
444
00:14:17,231 --> 00:14:19,900
At last, I've a-Rome from 'rrived.
445
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:20,935
Harry.
446
00:14:21,035 --> 00:14:22,136
Arrived-- arrived from-- what'd I say?
447
00:14:22,236 --> 00:14:23,537
Well, that's all right.
448
00:14:23,637 --> 00:14:25,039
I'll-- I'll-- once I get the hamlet on.
449
00:14:25,139 --> 00:14:26,073
Helmet, Harry.
450
00:14:29,877 --> 00:14:31,278
Ah, there.
451
00:14:31,378 --> 00:14:32,179
All right.
452
00:14:32,279 --> 00:14:33,581
Ah, Cleopatra.
453
00:14:33,681 --> 00:14:35,116
We-- we'll-- we'll take a pass [inaudible]..
454
00:14:35,216 --> 00:14:37,351
Just go off-- uh, honey, will-- uh, will you take the cue?
455
00:14:37,451 --> 00:14:38,352
- Yeah. - Pick him up.
456
00:14:38,452 --> 00:14:39,687
All right.
457
00:14:39,787 --> 00:14:43,891
Mark Antony, pray tell, how are things in Rome?
458
00:14:43,991 --> 00:14:45,459
Rotten.
459
00:14:45,559 --> 00:14:47,261
And what about you, Antony?
460
00:14:47,361 --> 00:14:49,430
I hear you've been unfaithful to me.
461
00:14:49,530 --> 00:14:50,931
Is this true?
462
00:14:51,031 --> 00:14:55,136
The truth is written on my lips.
463
00:14:55,236 --> 00:14:56,137
Where?
464
00:14:56,237 --> 00:14:58,973
I see nothing written there.
465
00:14:59,073 --> 00:15:00,741
Come closer, Cleopatra.
466
00:15:09,483 --> 00:15:10,384
Uh.
467
00:15:10,484 --> 00:15:11,418
Kids.
468
00:15:11,519 --> 00:15:12,419
Laura, Harry?
469
00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:13,554
Yeah?
470
00:15:13,654 --> 00:15:17,892
Uh, kids, I've got a great idea.
471
00:15:17,992 --> 00:15:20,294
You know what would be funnier than kissing, really?
472
00:15:20,394 --> 00:15:21,362
Shaking hands.
473
00:15:21,462 --> 00:15:22,296
What?
474
00:15:22,396 --> 00:15:23,197
[inaudible].
475
00:15:23,297 --> 00:15:24,131
Hey, uh, Rob.
476
00:15:24,231 --> 00:15:25,366
Huh?
477
00:15:25,466 --> 00:15:26,367
I think-- I think kissing is funnier.
478
00:15:26,467 --> 00:15:27,301
Yeah, me, too.
479
00:15:27,401 --> 00:15:28,235
I mean, watch.
480
00:15:28,335 --> 00:15:29,170
Watch how we do this.
481
00:15:29,270 --> 00:15:31,772
Did you read my message?
482
00:15:31,872 --> 00:15:32,540
You see?
483
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:34,074
The kiss is funnier, Rob.
484
00:15:34,175 --> 00:15:35,209
I am the director.
485
00:15:35,309 --> 00:15:36,710
And I will decide what is funnier.
486
00:15:36,811 --> 00:15:40,748
Laura, may I see you in the kitchen for just a moment?
487
00:15:40,848 --> 00:15:42,216
JERRY: Hey, uh, Harry? HARRY: Yeah?
488
00:15:42,316 --> 00:15:44,218
JERRY: You know, you're getting better in this part.
489
00:15:44,318 --> 00:15:45,152
HARRY: You think so?
490
00:15:45,252 --> 00:15:47,988
JERRY: Sure.
491
00:15:48,088 --> 00:15:51,559
Honey, uh-- honey, I was thinking, uh,
492
00:15:51,659 --> 00:15:53,961
since you're doing the Calypso number, anyway,
493
00:15:54,061 --> 00:15:56,597
that doing the Cleopatra, too, might be construed
494
00:15:56,697 --> 00:15:59,400
as favoritism on my part, uh, just
495
00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:01,535
because my wife's the prettiest girl here.
496
00:16:01,635 --> 00:16:03,370
Thank you.
497
00:16:03,470 --> 00:16:04,839
You know what I was thinking, honey?
498
00:16:04,939 --> 00:16:06,073
Mhm.
499
00:16:06,173 --> 00:16:07,441
You were thinking that since I have two big numbers
500
00:16:07,541 --> 00:16:09,376
in the show that I give up one.
501
00:16:09,476 --> 00:16:10,377
Uh, yeah, yeah.
502
00:16:10,477 --> 00:16:11,312
I agree.
503
00:16:11,412 --> 00:16:12,313
You-- well, you do?
504
00:16:12,413 --> 00:16:15,583
I'll give up the Calypso.
505
00:16:15,683 --> 00:16:18,319
Well, honey, that's not what I was thinking.
506
00:16:18,419 --> 00:16:21,021
Rob Petrie, you're jealous.
507
00:16:21,121 --> 00:16:22,957
I-- oh, honey.
508
00:16:23,057 --> 00:16:24,425
[laughing]
509
00:16:24,525 --> 00:16:26,694
I'm not jealous.
510
00:16:26,794 --> 00:16:28,696
I-- you want to know the truth?
511
00:16:28,796 --> 00:16:31,365
You want to know the absolute truth, honey?
512
00:16:31,465 --> 00:16:33,234
You look bad.
513
00:16:33,334 --> 00:16:34,268
You know why?
514
00:16:34,368 --> 00:16:36,403
Because Harry is a bad actor.
515
00:16:36,503 --> 00:16:38,005
Honey, when you do that Calypso number--
516
00:16:38,105 --> 00:16:38,806
[whistling]
517
00:16:38,906 --> 00:16:40,107
Boy, the audience loves you.
518
00:16:40,207 --> 00:16:41,642
You're up there.
519
00:16:41,742 --> 00:16:45,713
Then you do that bad sketch with Harry, and down you go.
520
00:16:45,813 --> 00:16:47,414
Harry's a bad actor.
521
00:16:47,514 --> 00:16:49,483
Harry Rogers can't do anything but--
522
00:16:49,583 --> 00:16:50,417
Kiss.
523
00:16:50,517 --> 00:16:52,353
Yeah.
524
00:16:52,453 --> 00:16:53,888
Who needs that in his own house?
525
00:16:56,323 --> 00:16:58,092
All right, darling.
526
00:16:58,192 --> 00:16:59,660
What's so darn funny?
527
00:16:59,760 --> 00:17:02,029
Well, it's the first good healthy sign of jealousy
528
00:17:02,129 --> 00:17:03,631
you've shown in months.
529
00:17:03,731 --> 00:17:05,099
It's better than flowers.
530
00:17:05,199 --> 00:17:07,301
W-- w-- will you give up the Cleopatra?
531
00:17:07,401 --> 00:17:08,736
I'll give it up.
532
00:17:08,836 --> 00:17:09,670
Honey, why-- listen.
533
00:17:09,770 --> 00:17:11,105
Why don't you--
534
00:17:11,205 --> 00:17:12,172
I'll tell them.
535
00:17:12,273 --> 00:17:13,107
OK.
536
00:17:13,207 --> 00:17:14,074
That's right.
537
00:17:14,174 --> 00:17:15,509
[chatter]
538
00:17:15,609 --> 00:17:16,443
Um, kids.
539
00:17:16,543 --> 00:17:17,845
Oh, there they are.
540
00:17:17,945 --> 00:17:19,079
Kids.
541
00:17:19,179 --> 00:17:21,048
I was just telling Rob that it seems unfair for me
542
00:17:21,148 --> 00:17:23,250
to have two big numbers in the show.
543
00:17:23,350 --> 00:17:25,185
So I'm withdrawing as Cleopatra.
544
00:17:25,286 --> 00:17:26,487
Oh, you can't. Not now.
545
00:17:26,587 --> 00:17:27,488
[grumbling]
546
00:17:27,588 --> 00:17:29,290
Let-- her mind is made up.
547
00:17:29,390 --> 00:17:30,457
I tried.
548
00:17:30,558 --> 00:17:31,759
[nervous laughter]
549
00:17:31,859 --> 00:17:33,060
Well. Let's see.
550
00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:34,695
Uh, kids, who-- who-- who are we going
551
00:17:34,795 --> 00:17:36,630
to get to play Cleopatra now?
552
00:17:36,730 --> 00:17:42,002
Well, uh-- well, how about Cynthia Harding?
553
00:17:42,102 --> 00:17:44,405
Well, is it right for the kindergarten
554
00:17:44,505 --> 00:17:45,806
teacher to play Cleopatra?
555
00:17:45,906 --> 00:17:47,408
It's righter than for a mother of three.
556
00:17:47,508 --> 00:17:49,443
Sit down, Millie.
557
00:17:49,543 --> 00:17:52,947
Miss Harding, uh, would you care to try the Cleopatra part?
558
00:17:53,047 --> 00:17:55,449
Uh, I don't know if I'm the right type.
559
00:17:55,549 --> 00:17:56,583
[clearing throat]
560
00:17:56,684 --> 00:18:00,387
Rob, um, can I see you a minute?
561
00:18:00,487 --> 00:18:01,689
Yeah.
562
00:18:01,789 --> 00:18:04,625
She is, uh, not the right type.
563
00:18:04,725 --> 00:18:07,161
Well, Harry, I think we ought to give her a chance.
564
00:18:07,261 --> 00:18:10,631
Cleopatra-- Cleopatra--
565
00:18:10,731 --> 00:18:13,167
We have, uh, not that many actress--
566
00:18:13,267 --> 00:18:14,735
Look, Rob, she was--
567
00:18:19,673 --> 00:18:21,942
right type.
568
00:18:22,042 --> 00:18:23,110
Yeah.
569
00:18:23,210 --> 00:18:24,745
Well, maybe we could work with her.
570
00:18:24,845 --> 00:18:25,646
[doorbell ringing]
571
00:18:25,746 --> 00:18:27,147
Amazing.
572
00:18:27,247 --> 00:18:28,983
Uh, folks, would-- would you, uh, clear here and let
573
00:18:29,083 --> 00:18:30,651
us use this for Cleopatra? - Not at all, Rob.
574
00:18:30,751 --> 00:18:32,252
Sit right here on the couch, [inaudible]..
575
00:18:32,353 --> 00:18:33,420
- Hi. - Sorry I'm late.
576
00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:34,655
It's all right. [interposing voices]
577
00:18:34,755 --> 00:18:35,923
Hi, honey.
578
00:18:36,023 --> 00:18:36,790
You're just in time to see your husband
579
00:18:36,890 --> 00:18:37,925
rehearse his sketch.
580
00:18:38,025 --> 00:18:39,627
Oh, good.
581
00:18:39,727 --> 00:18:42,296
Well, how's the sketch coming, darling?
582
00:18:42,396 --> 00:18:43,430
Oh, oh, great, great.
583
00:18:43,530 --> 00:18:44,365
Oh.
584
00:18:44,465 --> 00:18:45,666
Oh.
585
00:18:45,766 --> 00:18:47,201
You haven't met your husband's leading lady.
586
00:18:47,301 --> 00:18:48,836
Mrs. Rogers, this--
587
00:18:48,936 --> 00:18:51,572
You-- you told me that Millie Helper was a short,
588
00:18:51,672 --> 00:18:52,606
dark, comedienne.
589
00:18:52,706 --> 00:18:53,507
Oh, she is.
590
00:18:53,607 --> 00:18:54,641
She is.
591
00:18:54,742 --> 00:18:56,143
What happened to the comedienne?
592
00:18:56,243 --> 00:18:59,046
Well, she-- she withdrew because of a little problem.
593
00:18:59,146 --> 00:19:00,280
Oh.
594
00:19:00,381 --> 00:19:02,282
Why don't you make yourself comfortable, Shirley?
595
00:19:02,383 --> 00:19:03,584
Yeah, Shirley.
596
00:19:03,684 --> 00:19:04,451
I think you can see from right over there.
597
00:19:04,551 --> 00:19:05,219
- Thanks. - OK.
598
00:19:05,319 --> 00:19:06,186
Uh, all right.
599
00:19:06,286 --> 00:19:07,554
Here we go.
600
00:19:07,655 --> 00:19:10,958
Now, Harry, take it-- take it from, uh, arrived from Rome.
601
00:19:11,058 --> 00:19:14,795
Ah, Cleopatra, my enchanted.
602
00:19:14,895 --> 00:19:19,533
At last, I have arrived from Rome.
603
00:19:19,633 --> 00:19:21,435
[applause]
604
00:19:21,535 --> 00:19:22,936
Huh?
605
00:19:23,037 --> 00:19:24,071
Huh?
606
00:19:24,171 --> 00:19:29,543
Mark Antony, pray tell, how are things in Rome?
607
00:19:29,643 --> 00:19:30,944
Terrific.
608
00:19:31,045 --> 00:19:31,678
Harry.
609
00:19:31,779 --> 00:19:34,548
Oh, I'm-- I'm sorry.
610
00:19:34,648 --> 00:19:36,917
Once I get the helmet on, Rob--
611
00:19:37,017 --> 00:19:38,519
yeah, I'll be great. Yeah.
612
00:19:38,619 --> 00:19:39,853
I tell you what.
613
00:19:39,953 --> 00:19:41,889
Miss Harding, would you cue him again, please?
614
00:19:41,989 --> 00:19:48,262
Mark Antony, pray tell, how are things in Rome?
615
00:19:48,362 --> 00:19:53,033
[inaudible] Claudius has surrendered to [inaudible]
616
00:19:53,133 --> 00:19:54,068
Uh, Rob.
617
00:19:54,168 --> 00:19:54,668
HARRY: --has given up to [inaudible]..
618
00:19:54,768 --> 00:19:55,869
Mhm?
619
00:19:55,969 --> 00:19:57,971
Uh, what did you say her name was?
620
00:19:58,072 --> 00:20:00,307
Oh, that's Miss Harding, the kindergarten teacher.
621
00:20:00,407 --> 00:20:01,241
Miss Harding?
622
00:20:01,341 --> 00:20:02,743
Mhm.
623
00:20:02,843 --> 00:20:03,977
Is this true?
624
00:20:04,078 --> 00:20:06,647
Come closer, my darling.
625
00:20:06,747 --> 00:20:08,182
(YELLING) Harry!
626
00:20:14,388 --> 00:20:16,957
Excuse me, Rob.
627
00:20:17,057 --> 00:20:18,559
(LOUDLY) What do you think you're doing?
628
00:20:18,659 --> 00:20:19,726
SHIRLEY: Get in the car!
629
00:20:19,827 --> 00:20:20,861
HARRY: I'm an actor doing a part!
630
00:20:20,961 --> 00:20:22,696
SHIRLEY: Harry, get in the car!
631
00:20:22,796 --> 00:20:24,531
HARRY: That is a school teacher!
632
00:20:24,631 --> 00:20:25,799
SHIRLEY: Just get in the car!
633
00:20:25,899 --> 00:20:27,401
HARRY: I just learned my lines!
634
00:20:27,501 --> 00:20:28,802
SHIRLEY: (YELLING) Harry!
635
00:20:28,902 --> 00:20:31,105
Get in the car!
636
00:20:40,681 --> 00:20:42,516
Um.
637
00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:44,351
One of the kids is sick.
638
00:20:53,360 --> 00:20:54,061
All right.
639
00:20:54,161 --> 00:20:56,330
Now what are we going to do?
640
00:20:56,430 --> 00:20:58,966
The-- I guess, uh, that I'm going to have
641
00:20:59,066 --> 00:21:00,834
to play Mark-- uh, Mark Antony.
642
00:21:00,934 --> 00:21:03,737
Uh, Rob.
643
00:21:03,837 --> 00:21:05,272
Would you like to see me in the kitchen?
644
00:21:05,372 --> 00:21:06,306
Yes, dear.
645
00:21:09,476 --> 00:21:10,511
That does it.
646
00:21:10,611 --> 00:21:11,912
That does it.
647
00:21:12,012 --> 00:21:14,248
You can't direct a show with a bunch of amateurs.
648
00:21:14,348 --> 00:21:14,982
But Mr. Petrie.
649
00:21:15,082 --> 00:21:16,450
Goodbye, Mrs. Billings.
650
00:21:16,550 --> 00:21:17,518
I am going home.
651
00:21:17,618 --> 00:21:18,452
I quit.
652
00:21:18,552 --> 00:21:19,453
I'm going home.
653
00:21:28,495 --> 00:21:29,897
Will you imagine that?
654
00:21:29,997 --> 00:21:31,765
I was halfway downtown before I realized
655
00:21:31,865 --> 00:21:34,968
I walked out of my own house.
656
00:21:35,068 --> 00:21:37,070
Well, we got the show on, and it was great.
657
00:21:37,171 --> 00:21:38,505
And I let you play the part, didn't I?
658
00:21:38,605 --> 00:21:39,439
Aw.
659
00:21:39,540 --> 00:21:40,507
But all that trouble.
660
00:21:40,607 --> 00:21:41,708
What's the matter?
661
00:21:41,809 --> 00:21:43,443
Didn't you enjoy playing Mark Anthony?
662
00:21:43,544 --> 00:21:44,945
No, I didn't.
663
00:21:45,045 --> 00:21:46,980
I don't think Jerry enjoyed playing Cleopatra, either.
664
00:21:52,052 --> 00:21:52,886
Hello, Mrs. Billings.
665
00:21:52,986 --> 00:21:54,755
Hello, Laura, dear.
666
00:21:54,855 --> 00:21:56,623
Oh, hello, Mr. Petrie.
667
00:21:56,723 --> 00:21:58,125
Hello, Mrs. Billings.
668
00:21:58,225 --> 00:22:00,027
Mrs. Billings, won't you come over here and sit down?
669
00:22:00,127 --> 00:22:02,763
Oh, yes, thank you, dear.
670
00:22:02,863 --> 00:22:04,198
Ah.
671
00:22:04,298 --> 00:22:06,099
Well, now.
672
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:09,536
Mr. Petrie, do you know what time of year it is?
673
00:22:09,636 --> 00:22:10,871
No, what time is it?
674
00:22:10,971 --> 00:22:12,706
It's showtime.
675
00:22:12,806 --> 00:22:13,640
It is?
676
00:22:13,740 --> 00:22:16,343
Good heavens.
677
00:22:16,443 --> 00:22:19,479
Well, Mr. Petrie, you did such a wonderful job on our show
678
00:22:19,580 --> 00:22:22,482
last year that I wanted you to be the first to know--
679
00:22:22,583 --> 00:22:24,351
Well, that's very kind of you, Mrs. Billings.
680
00:22:24,451 --> 00:22:26,286
We won't be needing you this year.
681
00:22:26,386 --> 00:22:28,222
But I have a very heavy schedule.
682
00:22:31,191 --> 00:22:32,626
You won't be needing me this year?
683
00:22:32,726 --> 00:22:33,894
That's right.
684
00:22:33,994 --> 00:22:35,128
Oh, is it--
685
00:22:35,229 --> 00:22:36,396
really?
686
00:22:36,496 --> 00:22:37,798
Oh.
687
00:22:37,898 --> 00:22:41,101
Oh, I'll bet you thought I came over here to corral you again.
688
00:22:41,201 --> 00:22:43,237
As a matter of fact, I did.
689
00:22:43,337 --> 00:22:44,071
Oh, no.
690
00:22:44,171 --> 00:22:46,840
We wouldn't impose on you again.
691
00:22:46,940 --> 00:22:48,275
So you just rest easy.
692
00:22:48,375 --> 00:22:49,176
Oh, I will.
693
00:22:49,276 --> 00:22:50,110
I will.
694
00:22:50,210 --> 00:22:51,645
You see, fortunately, my husband
695
00:22:51,745 --> 00:22:54,681
has had a perfectly wonderful idea for this year's show.
696
00:22:54,781 --> 00:22:56,717
A musical version of "Hamlet."
697
00:22:56,817 --> 00:22:58,385
Oh.
698
00:22:58,485 --> 00:23:01,788
He's, uh, writing the lyrics and the music himself?
699
00:23:01,889 --> 00:23:02,856
Uh-huh.
700
00:23:02,956 --> 00:23:04,291
Well, gee, that sounds exciting.
701
00:23:04,391 --> 00:23:07,127
Has, uh, he ever written music before?
702
00:23:07,227 --> 00:23:08,161
No.
703
00:23:08,262 --> 00:23:09,930
But then, one has to start somewhere.
704
00:23:10,030 --> 00:23:11,298
Doesn't one?
705
00:23:11,398 --> 00:23:12,399
[laughing]
706
00:23:12,499 --> 00:23:14,201
Well, all I can tell you, Mrs. Billings,
707
00:23:14,301 --> 00:23:15,569
is that a lot of professional people
708
00:23:15,669 --> 00:23:17,771
have tried to do a musical take off on "Hamlet."
709
00:23:17,871 --> 00:23:19,373
They found it very, very difficult.
710
00:23:19,473 --> 00:23:21,408
Personally, I wouldn't tackle it.
711
00:23:21,508 --> 00:23:22,943
What would you tackle?
712
00:23:23,043 --> 00:23:25,279
Well, uh, I think something a little more
713
00:23:25,379 --> 00:23:27,514
familiar to the general public.
714
00:23:27,614 --> 00:23:28,849
Gilbert and Sullivan, see?
715
00:23:28,949 --> 00:23:30,450
Now, that lends itself more easily to parody.
716
00:23:30,550 --> 00:23:32,452
As a matter of fact, the rhythm is so perfect,
717
00:23:32,552 --> 00:23:34,454
I could do a parody on in about 10 seconds.
718
00:23:34,554 --> 00:23:35,389
Oh, you couldn't.
719
00:23:35,489 --> 00:23:36,323
Oh, yes.
720
00:23:36,423 --> 00:23:37,324
Uh.
721
00:23:37,424 --> 00:23:38,926
The crabgrass that grows-- let's see.
722
00:23:39,026 --> 00:23:40,727
The crabgrass that blooms in the spring-- tra-la--
723
00:23:40,827 --> 00:23:42,963
all grows on my New Rochelle lawn.
724
00:23:43,063 --> 00:23:44,464
Oh, Mr. Petrie.
725
00:23:44,564 --> 00:23:46,099
It's so easy for you.
726
00:23:46,199 --> 00:23:48,635
Oh, you professional writers are so clever.
727
00:23:53,173 --> 00:23:56,576
I just volunteered again, didn't I, Mrs. Billings?
728
00:23:56,677 --> 00:23:57,844
Yes, dear boy.
729
00:23:57,945 --> 00:23:59,046
And thank you.
730
00:24:02,482 --> 00:24:04,751
Well, you did it again, didn't you?
731
00:24:04,851 --> 00:24:06,219
Yeah. [laughter]
732
00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:07,154
You know something, honey?
733
00:24:07,254 --> 00:24:08,622
I don't really mind.
734
00:24:08,722 --> 00:24:10,657
It might be fun to do a version of "The Mikado" again.
735
00:24:10,757 --> 00:24:13,393
Hey, did I ever tell you I did Nanki Poo in high school?
736
00:24:13,493 --> 00:24:14,561
No.
737
00:24:14,661 --> 00:24:15,762
Could I play Yum Yum?
738
00:24:15,862 --> 00:24:17,230
Well, honey, we probably ought to hold
739
00:24:17,331 --> 00:24:18,498
open auditions for them.
740
00:24:18,598 --> 00:24:19,633
You know how Millie is.
741
00:24:19,733 --> 00:24:21,401
She's going to want a crack at it right away.
742
00:24:21,501 --> 00:24:24,137
And, uh, is, uh, Miss Harding still teaching kindergarten?
743
00:24:24,237 --> 00:24:27,541
Yes, but, uh, Miss Harding can't participate in the play.
744
00:24:27,641 --> 00:24:28,442
Huh?
745
00:24:28,542 --> 00:24:29,309
Why?
746
00:24:29,409 --> 00:24:30,644
Well, a few of the wives got up
747
00:24:30,744 --> 00:24:32,245
a little petition that prohibits her from being
748
00:24:32,346 --> 00:24:33,547
anything but a script girl.
749
00:24:33,647 --> 00:24:34,348
A petition?
750
00:24:34,448 --> 00:24:35,716
When-- when did this happen?
751
00:24:35,816 --> 00:24:39,586
First thing tomorrow morning.
752
00:24:39,686 --> 00:24:40,887
Oh, all right.
753
00:24:40,987 --> 00:24:42,556
She-- she can stay on as script girl, OK?
754
00:24:42,656 --> 00:24:43,657
Good, OK.
755
00:24:46,660 --> 00:24:51,431
[music playing]
50537
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