Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,751 --> 00:00:01,793
[music playing]
2
00:00:01,919 --> 00:00:04,755
NARRATOR: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
3
00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:14,264
starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
4
00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:17,226
Matthews and Mary Tyler Moore.
5
00:00:19,978 --> 00:00:20,812
[music playing]
6
00:00:20,896 --> 00:00:21,522
Mommy!
7
00:00:21,647 --> 00:00:22,898
Mommy!
8
00:00:22,981 --> 00:00:23,982
Mommy!
9
00:00:24,066 --> 00:00:25,651
Ritchie, what is it? What happened?
10
00:00:25,776 --> 00:00:26,610
He bit me in the head.
11
00:00:26,693 --> 00:00:28,403
He bit me in the head.
12
00:00:28,487 --> 00:00:29,321
Who did?
13
00:00:29,446 --> 00:00:30,614
He did.
14
00:00:30,697 --> 00:00:32,699
Right here.
15
00:00:32,824 --> 00:00:34,159
Ritchie, I don't see anything.
16
00:00:34,284 --> 00:00:35,452
Who bit you?
17
00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:36,995
Are you sure you're not making this up?
18
00:00:37,079 --> 00:00:37,663
No, Mommy.
19
00:00:37,788 --> 00:00:38,997
He bit me in the head.
20
00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:40,040
Now, Ritchie.
21
00:00:40,165 --> 00:00:42,042
Tell Daddy to come home and kill him.
22
00:00:42,167 --> 00:00:43,168
All right, dear.
23
00:00:43,252 --> 00:00:44,461
Now, please, just-- - He bit me in the head.
24
00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:45,337
Ritchie, please.
25
00:00:45,462 --> 00:00:46,338
He bit me in the head.
26
00:00:46,463 --> 00:00:47,673
Ritchie.
27
00:00:47,798 --> 00:00:50,551
Now, just calm down and tell me all about it.
28
00:00:50,676 --> 00:00:51,969
I guess you don't believe me.
29
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:56,014
He bit me in the head and you don't believe me.
30
00:00:56,139 --> 00:00:57,391
Ritchie, who?
31
00:00:57,516 --> 00:00:59,434
Who bit you in the head?
32
00:00:59,518 --> 00:01:00,644
[music playing]
33
00:01:00,727 --> 00:01:03,522
OK, who ordered corned beef on a bagel?
34
00:01:03,605 --> 00:01:06,358
I ordered lox and Swiss cheese on a bagel.
35
00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:09,111
Lox and Swiss cheese?
36
00:01:09,194 --> 00:01:12,990
Well, here lox and Swiss cheese, but it's on a hamburger bun.
37
00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:17,119
That's my hamburger bun, but I ordered a hamburger.
38
00:01:17,202 --> 00:01:20,205
Well, here's a hamburger but it's on my rye bread
39
00:01:20,289 --> 00:01:23,083
without the corned beef, which is on his bagel.
40
00:01:27,045 --> 00:01:31,550
Well, what do you think we ought to do?
41
00:01:31,633 --> 00:01:33,302
Why, I think we ought to strip our sandwiches
42
00:01:33,385 --> 00:01:35,596
and rebuild them correctly.
43
00:01:35,721 --> 00:01:36,555
Good idea.
44
00:01:36,638 --> 00:01:37,556
All right.
45
00:01:37,681 --> 00:01:40,767
[interposing voices]
46
00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:46,356
- Well, I'm all set. - That's It.
47
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:47,232
Hold it.
48
00:01:47,357 --> 00:01:48,859
Wait a minute.
49
00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:50,736
I got a bagel sandwich on rye.
50
00:01:53,697 --> 00:01:55,157
Oh.
51
00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:57,242
My cover.
52
00:01:57,367 --> 00:01:59,578
Don't bite that.
53
00:01:59,661 --> 00:02:02,247
If my calculations are right, I think
54
00:02:02,372 --> 00:02:07,961
you'll find my corned beef buried under your hamburger.
55
00:02:08,086 --> 00:02:09,004
Hello.
56
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:17,221
A couple of my fingerprints, the FBI
57
00:02:17,304 --> 00:02:18,347
will want it for the file.
58
00:02:21,391 --> 00:02:23,519
Why do we keep ordering from that same place?
59
00:02:23,602 --> 00:02:24,603
They never get an order straight.
60
00:02:24,686 --> 00:02:25,771
All right.
61
00:02:25,896 --> 00:02:27,064
Tomorrow, we'll eat out. [phone rings]
62
00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:28,023
I'll get it.
63
00:02:28,106 --> 00:02:29,149
Hey, Sal, if that's for me, tell her
64
00:02:29,274 --> 00:02:32,986
I left the money under the girdle.
65
00:02:33,111 --> 00:02:34,321
Hello.
66
00:02:34,446 --> 00:02:35,614
Oh, hi, Laura.
67
00:02:35,697 --> 00:02:38,158
Yeah, he just did a rewrite on a bagel.
68
00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:39,117
Oh, I'm sorry.
69
00:02:39,201 --> 00:02:40,869
Yeah, sure. Hey, Rob, it's Laura.
70
00:02:40,953 --> 00:02:41,995
She sounds very upset.
71
00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:43,789
ROB: Oh.
72
00:02:43,872 --> 00:02:45,457
Hi, honey, anything wrong?
73
00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:46,375
What?
74
00:02:46,458 --> 00:02:48,335
Ritchie?
75
00:02:48,460 --> 00:02:50,128
Who bit him in the head?
76
00:02:50,212 --> 00:02:51,922
What happened?
77
00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:54,758
Honey, what-- what bit him in the head?
78
00:02:54,842 --> 00:02:58,554
A giant woodpecker.
79
00:02:58,637 --> 00:03:02,516
A giant woodpecker?
80
00:03:02,641 --> 00:03:03,934
[music playing]
81
00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:05,269
What?
82
00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:07,062
Honey, who-- who was he with when this bird attacked him?
83
00:03:07,145 --> 00:03:07,896
With no one.
84
00:03:07,980 --> 00:03:09,189
ROB (ON PHONE): He was alone?
85
00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:10,774
Well, he and Freddy had a fight this morning
86
00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:12,568
and Ritchie's been playing alone all afternoon.
87
00:03:12,651 --> 00:03:13,861
I see.
88
00:03:13,986 --> 00:03:16,321
Sad little boy alone with his imagination.
89
00:03:16,446 --> 00:03:18,740
Oh, you think he's looking for sympathy?
90
00:03:18,824 --> 00:03:19,700
Well, could be.
91
00:03:19,825 --> 00:03:20,868
What's he doing now?
92
00:03:20,993 --> 00:03:22,160
Well, he's soaking in the bathtub.
93
00:03:22,286 --> 00:03:23,787
It's the only thing that'll keep him quiet.
94
00:03:23,871 --> 00:03:25,289
Well, keep him soaking a while.
95
00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:26,248
Well, I hate to.
96
00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:30,002
His fingers and toes are all pruney.
97
00:03:30,127 --> 00:03:33,005
Honey, would you rather have a pruney or hysterical?
98
00:03:33,088 --> 00:03:33,714
Pruney.
99
00:03:33,839 --> 00:03:34,840
All right.
100
00:03:34,965 --> 00:03:36,008
Well, I'll try to get home early.
101
00:03:36,133 --> 00:03:37,009
LAURA (ON PHONE): All right. - Bye.
102
00:03:37,134 --> 00:03:39,052
LAURA (ON PHONE): Bye-bye.
103
00:03:39,178 --> 00:03:41,346
How do you like that kid and his imagination?
104
00:03:41,430 --> 00:03:43,515
You mean he really thinks he was attacked by a woodpecker?
105
00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:44,808
Yeah, how about that?
106
00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:46,393
Well, he's just like his daddy.
107
00:03:46,518 --> 00:03:49,062
Oh, you often attacked by giant woodpeckers?
108
00:03:49,188 --> 00:03:50,397
No.
109
00:03:50,522 --> 00:03:53,150
But when I was a kid, and I really wanted some sympathy,
110
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:57,196
I had this big imaginary lion that used to attack me.
111
00:03:57,279 --> 00:03:58,197
Poor little kid.
112
00:03:58,280 --> 00:03:59,990
I know what he's going through, though.
113
00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:01,491
You know why your kid makes up these weird stories about being
114
00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:02,618
attacked by big birds?
115
00:04:02,701 --> 00:04:03,660
ROB: Why?
116
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:04,995
'cause you live in a suburbs.
117
00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:06,371
What are you talking about?
118
00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:08,290
Well if he lived in a city like any normal kid,
119
00:04:08,373 --> 00:04:10,209
he'd be attacked by a nice street gang.
120
00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:16,673
Hey, Rob, why don't you buy him a toy.
121
00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:18,091
I don't think he wants a toy.
122
00:04:18,217 --> 00:04:19,801
See, he had-- he had a fight with the kid next door.
123
00:04:19,885 --> 00:04:21,303
And I think he wants a friend.
124
00:04:21,386 --> 00:04:23,639
Well, they got those kind of dolls in the store, too.
125
00:04:23,722 --> 00:04:25,057
Those big doll-- giant dolls.
126
00:04:25,182 --> 00:04:27,226
You wind them up and you pull a string and they go,
127
00:04:27,351 --> 00:04:28,477
I am your friend.
128
00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:33,941
Then they kick you in the shin and go play with somebody else.
129
00:04:34,066 --> 00:04:36,193
Well, your making jokes and he's worried about Ritchie.
130
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:36,902
Oh, no.
131
00:04:36,985 --> 00:04:37,819
He'll be fine.
132
00:04:37,903 --> 00:04:39,154
Kids are so resilient.
133
00:04:39,238 --> 00:04:40,364
By the time I get home tonight, he will have
134
00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:41,907
forgotten completely about it. - Mommy!
135
00:04:42,032 --> 00:04:43,075
He's after me! Mommy!
136
00:04:43,158 --> 00:04:43,742
Mommy!
137
00:04:43,867 --> 00:04:45,077
Mommy!
138
00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:46,537
Ritchie, who's after you.
139
00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:47,454
The giant woodpecker.
140
00:04:47,579 --> 00:04:49,957
He was in my bedroom.
141
00:04:50,082 --> 00:04:51,834
Now, what was he doing in your bedroom?
142
00:04:51,917 --> 00:04:54,920
He was pecking at the things on my dresser.
143
00:04:55,045 --> 00:04:57,047
All right, let's go see the woodpecker.
144
00:04:57,130 --> 00:04:59,758
He's not there anymore.
145
00:04:59,883 --> 00:05:00,717
He's not there?
146
00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:02,052
No.
147
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:03,887
I threw my submarine at him and he flew away.
148
00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:06,348
All right, young man, that's enough of this nonsense.
149
00:05:06,431 --> 00:05:07,349
Go put some clothes on.
150
00:05:07,432 --> 00:05:08,267
No.
151
00:05:08,392 --> 00:05:09,852
I'm not unless you close my window.
152
00:05:09,935 --> 00:05:11,645
Ritchie, there's no need to close your window.
153
00:05:11,770 --> 00:05:13,856
Then I'm going back in the bathtub.
154
00:05:13,939 --> 00:05:14,815
Ritchie.
155
00:05:14,940 --> 00:05:16,775
[music playing]
156
00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:18,318
He insists.
157
00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:21,029
He says it's a real, giant woodpecker and it's after him.
158
00:05:21,113 --> 00:05:23,323
Honey, I'm sure when Ritchie and Freddy make up,
159
00:05:23,448 --> 00:05:26,368
when they've forgotten all about it, the big bird will fly away.
160
00:05:26,451 --> 00:05:30,622
Doctor, they're friends again and the bird still lives.
161
00:05:30,747 --> 00:05:31,665
They made up?
162
00:05:31,790 --> 00:05:33,667
This afternoon on the phone.
163
00:05:33,792 --> 00:05:35,085
On the phone?
164
00:05:35,169 --> 00:05:37,129
Well, Ritchie was afraid to go out of the house.
165
00:05:37,254 --> 00:05:38,839
Anyway, I don't think Freddy's the reason
166
00:05:38,964 --> 00:05:40,257
he invented the bird.
167
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:41,717
It must be something else that's bothering him.
168
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:42,634
Well, yeah.
169
00:05:42,718 --> 00:05:43,677
I'd say so.
170
00:05:43,802 --> 00:05:45,137
But what?
171
00:05:45,262 --> 00:05:47,890
Well, it's got to be one of three things, school,
172
00:05:47,973 --> 00:05:49,808
home, or friends.
173
00:05:49,933 --> 00:05:51,059
Well, it can't be school.
174
00:05:51,143 --> 00:05:52,811
He loves it and he loves his teacher.
175
00:05:52,936 --> 00:05:53,937
Who? Ms. Harnett?
176
00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:55,480
No. Mrs. Schoenbaum.
177
00:05:55,606 --> 00:05:57,816
She got married last week.
178
00:05:57,900 --> 00:05:59,151
Honey, that could be it.
179
00:05:59,234 --> 00:06:01,445
Maybe-- maybe he's carrying a torch for her.
180
00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:02,529
Carrying a torch?
181
00:06:02,654 --> 00:06:03,822
At his age?
182
00:06:03,906 --> 00:06:06,033
Well, I maybe more like a match, but--
183
00:06:09,453 --> 00:06:12,080
you know, little guys like that develop powerful
184
00:06:12,164 --> 00:06:13,457
crushes on their teachers.
185
00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:15,125
Boy, I remember I had a teacher that I
186
00:06:15,209 --> 00:06:16,835
would have married in a minute.
187
00:06:16,919 --> 00:06:18,170
Ms. Eisenstat.
188
00:06:18,253 --> 00:06:20,422
Gorgeous redhead with a figure like you never--
189
00:06:20,506 --> 00:06:21,381
What year was this?
190
00:06:21,507 --> 00:06:22,132
Third.
191
00:06:22,216 --> 00:06:23,342
- Grade school? - No.
192
00:06:23,467 --> 00:06:24,343
College.
193
00:06:28,013 --> 00:06:30,057
No, honey, of course it was grade school.
194
00:06:30,182 --> 00:06:32,184
But you know, I was really crushed when Ms.
195
00:06:32,267 --> 00:06:35,270
Eisenstat became Mrs. Factor.
196
00:06:35,354 --> 00:06:37,189
I don't think it's school.
197
00:06:37,314 --> 00:06:38,899
Suppose it could be home.
198
00:06:39,024 --> 00:06:40,943
Honey, have you scolded them or embarrassed
199
00:06:41,026 --> 00:06:42,152
them in front of his friends or had
200
00:06:42,236 --> 00:06:43,654
a fight with them or anything? - No.
201
00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:45,697
We've been the best of buddies.
202
00:06:45,781 --> 00:06:46,573
How about you?
203
00:06:46,698 --> 00:06:47,533
No.
204
00:06:47,616 --> 00:06:48,492
We're still pals.
205
00:06:48,575 --> 00:06:49,993
I don't think it's me.
206
00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:50,953
Wait a minute.
207
00:06:51,036 --> 00:06:51,912
I think it is you.
208
00:06:52,037 --> 00:06:53,497
I just remembered.
209
00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:54,790
Millie told me what Freddy and Ritchie had to fight about.
210
00:06:54,873 --> 00:06:56,291
What?
211
00:06:56,375 --> 00:06:58,252
Well, Freddy said that he thought your show was rotten
212
00:06:58,377 --> 00:07:00,212
and that you were a rotten writer.
213
00:07:00,295 --> 00:07:01,672
Oh.
214
00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:03,549
Oh, honey, that must be it.
215
00:07:03,674 --> 00:07:05,926
There's nothing that up-- more upsetting to a little kid
216
00:07:06,051 --> 00:07:08,220
than being told his father is a rotten anything.
217
00:07:08,345 --> 00:07:09,805
Do you think it's upsetting enough for him
218
00:07:09,888 --> 00:07:12,391
to invent a giant woodpecker?
219
00:07:12,474 --> 00:07:14,810
What did he say he wanted me to do with the woodpecker?
220
00:07:14,893 --> 00:07:16,311
Get a gun and kill it.
221
00:07:16,395 --> 00:07:18,772
Of course, honey, he can brag about that.
222
00:07:18,897 --> 00:07:19,690
He could?
223
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:20,732
Well, sure.
224
00:07:20,816 --> 00:07:22,317
What if I am a rotten writer?
225
00:07:22,401 --> 00:07:24,903
I'm a good protector, and that's more important to a little kid.
226
00:07:24,987 --> 00:07:26,613
You think that's it?
227
00:07:26,738 --> 00:07:27,865
Oh, I'm positive.
228
00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:29,408
I'm so sure, if it isn't, I'll eat my--
229
00:07:29,533 --> 00:07:30,158
Hat?
230
00:07:30,242 --> 00:07:32,744
No, I'm not that sure.
231
00:07:32,870 --> 00:07:33,912
I eat a little dinner, though.
232
00:07:33,996 --> 00:07:35,205
Be ready in a minute.
233
00:07:35,289 --> 00:07:36,957
Honey, where's that air rifle your father
234
00:07:37,082 --> 00:07:38,125
gave Ritch for Christmas.
235
00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:39,543
It was your father, dear.
236
00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:40,419
Oh.
237
00:07:40,544 --> 00:07:41,420
It's in the closet.
238
00:07:41,545 --> 00:07:42,462
Good.
239
00:07:42,588 --> 00:07:43,922
What are you going to do with a gun?
240
00:07:44,006 --> 00:07:45,424
I'm going to kill myself a woodpecker.
241
00:07:45,549 --> 00:07:47,968
Well, I thought we decided there wasn't any woodpecker.
242
00:07:48,093 --> 00:07:49,428
There isn't.
243
00:07:49,553 --> 00:07:51,555
Well, then why do you need the gun?
244
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:54,433
I'm going to slay the imaginary dragon, that's all.
245
00:07:54,516 --> 00:07:56,852
Why don't you use an imaginary gun?
246
00:07:56,935 --> 00:07:57,936
Well, because I don't think he's
247
00:07:58,061 --> 00:07:59,354
going to ask me to see the dragon,
248
00:07:59,438 --> 00:08:02,691
but he may want to see the sword I killed him with.
249
00:08:02,774 --> 00:08:04,276
Yeah, and-- then when--
250
00:08:04,359 --> 00:08:06,528
when did this woodpecker come along?
251
00:08:06,612 --> 00:08:07,988
Yesterday afternoon.
252
00:08:08,113 --> 00:08:10,282
And that was after you had your fight
253
00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:11,575
with Freddy, wasn't it?
254
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:12,451
Yes.
255
00:08:12,576 --> 00:08:14,119
Uh-huh.
256
00:08:14,244 --> 00:08:18,123
Uh, Ritch, would you be proud of me
257
00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:19,791
if I killed that woodpecker for you?
258
00:08:19,917 --> 00:08:23,003
Oh, boy, would you, Daddy?
259
00:08:23,128 --> 00:08:24,630
Ritch, would you tell me this?
260
00:08:24,713 --> 00:08:28,133
Would you be more proud of me if I wrote a great television show
261
00:08:28,217 --> 00:08:29,927
or if I killed the woodpecker?
262
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,220
If you kill the woodpecker.
263
00:08:31,303 --> 00:08:32,513
You going to kill it, Daddy.
264
00:08:32,638 --> 00:08:36,975
Ritch, I've got a little surprise for you.
265
00:08:37,059 --> 00:08:38,644
I already have.
266
00:08:38,769 --> 00:08:39,645
With a broom?
267
00:08:39,728 --> 00:08:42,147
No.
268
00:08:42,272 --> 00:08:43,440
With this gun, Ritch.
269
00:08:43,524 --> 00:08:44,525
Where'd you get the gun? Can I have it?
270
00:08:44,650 --> 00:08:45,651
No.
271
00:08:45,734 --> 00:08:47,110
Ritch, the gun is just for the woodpecker.
272
00:08:47,194 --> 00:08:48,403
It's got to go back where it came from.
273
00:08:48,487 --> 00:08:49,738
Now, you sit down and eat your breakfast.
274
00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:53,033
Tell me how you killed the woodpecker, Daddy.
275
00:08:53,158 --> 00:08:58,455
Well, Ritch, last night, I went out in the yard.
276
00:08:58,539 --> 00:09:00,165
And I sneaked around the yard looking
277
00:09:00,249 --> 00:09:02,251
behind bushes and in trees.
278
00:09:02,334 --> 00:09:04,086
And all of a sudden, I heard a rustling
279
00:09:04,169 --> 00:09:05,212
up in that old pine tree.
280
00:09:05,337 --> 00:09:06,672
And I shot this gun up in the air.
281
00:09:06,797 --> 00:09:10,008
And out flew the most enormous woodpecker you ever saw.
282
00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:11,635
It wasn't that big, Daddy.
283
00:09:14,346 --> 00:09:16,098
Well, it wasn't enormous.
284
00:09:16,181 --> 00:09:18,392
It was enormous.
285
00:09:18,517 --> 00:09:21,520
Yeah, with orange and black feathers.
286
00:09:21,645 --> 00:09:24,147
All right.
287
00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:26,567
Well, anyway Ritch, I took a bead
288
00:09:26,692 --> 00:09:29,862
on that orange and black bird that's been bothering my son.
289
00:09:29,945 --> 00:09:32,614
And I pulled the trigger and pow.
290
00:09:32,698 --> 00:09:33,615
No more woodpecker.
291
00:09:33,699 --> 00:09:34,783
You got him, Daddy.
292
00:09:34,867 --> 00:09:35,868
You got him.
293
00:09:35,993 --> 00:09:38,453
Now I can play in the sun again.
294
00:09:38,537 --> 00:09:39,538
Yeah, Ritch.
295
00:09:39,621 --> 00:09:40,956
You can go outside and play and you won't
296
00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:41,915
have to be afraid anymore.
297
00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:45,836
Where is he?
298
00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:47,045
What'd you say, Ritch?
299
00:09:47,171 --> 00:09:48,630
I said, where's the bird?
300
00:09:48,714 --> 00:09:50,674
Well, um, why do you want to know that?
301
00:09:50,757 --> 00:09:53,093
I want to take him to school for show and tell.
302
00:09:53,218 --> 00:09:54,428
Show and tell?
303
00:09:54,553 --> 00:09:56,221
Yeah, nobody ever brought a dead woodpecker
304
00:09:56,305 --> 00:09:58,223
to school before.
305
00:09:58,307 --> 00:10:01,560
No, I'm-- I'm sure that they didn't.
306
00:10:01,685 --> 00:10:07,191
Ritch, look, son, it wouldn't really be a good idea to take
307
00:10:07,274 --> 00:10:09,067
that dead woodpecker to class.
308
00:10:09,151 --> 00:10:11,111
Now would it?
309
00:10:11,236 --> 00:10:12,154
Would it?
310
00:10:12,237 --> 00:10:13,488
No, I guess not.
311
00:10:13,572 --> 00:10:16,158
All the girls would scream.
312
00:10:16,241 --> 00:10:19,244
That's right, son.
313
00:10:19,369 --> 00:10:20,245
What's that for?
314
00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:22,372
For killing that bad bird.
315
00:10:22,456 --> 00:10:23,916
Are you proud of Daddy?
316
00:10:24,041 --> 00:10:25,709
I sure am.
317
00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:26,752
Where you going, Ritch?
318
00:10:26,877 --> 00:10:29,546
RITCHIE: To tell Freddy.
319
00:10:29,630 --> 00:10:31,131
Well, you're pretty smart, aren't you?
320
00:10:31,256 --> 00:10:32,049
Oh, very.
321
00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:33,258
Mm-hmm.
322
00:10:33,383 --> 00:10:34,301
Are you, uh, proud of me?
323
00:10:34,426 --> 00:10:36,094
Not as much as you are of you.
324
00:10:36,220 --> 00:10:38,055
Well, it's kind of a good feeling that--
325
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:39,556
to solve a problem like that.
326
00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:41,517
It's like figuring out the solution to a good mystery.
327
00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:43,310
I just hope Ritchie doesn't expect you to solve
328
00:10:43,435 --> 00:10:45,187
all his problems with a BB gun.
329
00:10:45,270 --> 00:10:46,897
Yeah, that's right.
330
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:50,442
Well, we just got to pay him a little more attention, I think.
331
00:10:50,526 --> 00:10:52,277
Boy, being a father makes me hungry.
332
00:10:52,402 --> 00:10:53,946
You got any chocolate pudding?
333
00:10:54,071 --> 00:10:55,656
For breakfast?
334
00:10:55,781 --> 00:10:57,574
Well, I-- don't you think I deserve
335
00:10:57,658 --> 00:11:01,662
some kind of a reward for my deft handling of this problem?
336
00:11:01,787 --> 00:11:02,788
All right.
337
00:11:02,913 --> 00:11:03,831
RITCHIE: Mommy!
338
00:11:03,956 --> 00:11:05,791
[inaudible] giant woodpecker.
339
00:11:05,916 --> 00:11:07,543
He bit me in the head again.
340
00:11:07,626 --> 00:11:10,045
The woodpecker bit me in the head.
341
00:11:10,128 --> 00:11:12,673
Darling, Daddy killed the woodpecker.
342
00:11:12,798 --> 00:11:13,465
Come on.
343
00:11:13,549 --> 00:11:14,299
Let me handle this, honey.
344
00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:15,592
He bit me in the head.
345
00:11:15,676 --> 00:11:17,010
Ritch, just calm down. Come on.
346
00:11:17,135 --> 00:11:18,053
Sit down. - But he bit me on the head.
347
00:11:18,136 --> 00:11:19,638
All right. Just calm down.
348
00:11:19,763 --> 00:11:21,890
Now, tell Daddy, where did you see this woodpecker just now?
349
00:11:21,974 --> 00:11:23,016
Out in the front yard.
350
00:11:23,141 --> 00:11:24,434
He came out of the tree.
351
00:11:24,518 --> 00:11:27,521
You didn't kill the giant woodpecker, Daddy.
352
00:11:27,646 --> 00:11:31,316
Ritch-- Ritch, you know there isn't any giant woodpecker.
353
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:32,776
Is he all right?
354
00:11:32,860 --> 00:11:33,902
Oh, he's fine, Millie.
355
00:11:33,986 --> 00:11:35,445
He saw the woodpecker again.
356
00:11:35,529 --> 00:11:37,990
Yeah, that's the biggest woodpecker I ever saw.
357
00:11:41,577 --> 00:11:43,787
Millie, we're not going to humor him anymore.
358
00:11:43,871 --> 00:11:44,872
Who's humoring him?
359
00:11:44,997 --> 00:11:47,166
That is the biggest woodpecker I ever saw.
360
00:11:47,249 --> 00:11:50,502
Looked like a glandular case.
361
00:11:50,586 --> 00:11:52,796
Millie, you're not kidding, are you?
362
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:53,755
Why should I kid?
363
00:11:53,839 --> 00:11:55,507
He was pecking your kid in the head.
364
00:11:59,553 --> 00:12:01,471
Who-- who-- who else saw the bird?
365
00:12:01,555 --> 00:12:03,974
Well, Freddy and Ellen and all the children.
366
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:05,517
This thing swooped out of the tree
367
00:12:05,601 --> 00:12:06,810
and went right after Ritchie's head
368
00:12:06,894 --> 00:12:08,520
and then followed him to the front door.
369
00:12:08,604 --> 00:12:11,356
You didn't kill the giant woodpecker, did you, Daddy?
370
00:12:11,481 --> 00:12:12,900
Well, now, Ritch, I--
371
00:12:13,025 --> 00:12:14,026
I thought I did.
372
00:12:14,151 --> 00:12:17,154
I probably hit him a glancing blow.
373
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:18,614
Ritch, you go to school.
374
00:12:18,697 --> 00:12:21,491
I'm not going to school until you get rid of that bird.
375
00:12:21,575 --> 00:12:22,534
Now Ritchie, that's silly.
376
00:12:22,659 --> 00:12:24,119
Daddy's going to take care of it.
377
00:12:24,203 --> 00:12:25,037
That's right, Ritch.
378
00:12:25,162 --> 00:12:26,079
Now Daddy's going to--
379
00:12:26,205 --> 00:12:26,997
What?
380
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,958
Well, I don't know.
381
00:12:30,042 --> 00:12:32,336
Millie, you say there were other kids out there just now?
382
00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:33,837
Yeah. Five of them.
383
00:12:33,921 --> 00:12:35,631
Well, did-- the bird didn't attack any of the others?
384
00:12:35,714 --> 00:12:36,340
No.
385
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:37,591
Just Ritch.
386
00:12:37,716 --> 00:12:39,301
It was like it had a grudge against them.
387
00:12:39,384 --> 00:12:40,844
Oh, that's ridiculous.
388
00:12:40,928 --> 00:12:42,304
Why would a bird have a grudge against a nice little kid
389
00:12:42,387 --> 00:12:43,847
like Ritch?
390
00:12:43,931 --> 00:12:46,099
Well, maybe he hit the bird or pinched it or something.
391
00:12:46,225 --> 00:12:47,059
Oh, Millie.
392
00:12:47,184 --> 00:12:48,060
Well, what do you think?
393
00:12:48,185 --> 00:12:49,603
I don't know what I think.
394
00:12:49,728 --> 00:12:51,355
But I-- but I'm not-- no bird's going to persecute my kid
395
00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:52,314
and get away with it.
396
00:12:52,397 --> 00:12:54,107
I'm going to do something.
397
00:12:54,233 --> 00:12:55,108
Hello.
398
00:12:55,234 --> 00:12:57,027
Is this the animal shelter?
399
00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,403
Well, my name is Robert Petrie.
400
00:12:58,529 --> 00:12:59,947
I wonder if you could help me out?
401
00:13:00,072 --> 00:13:04,243
Yeah, my son-- you're probably not going to believe this.
402
00:13:04,326 --> 00:13:07,496
But my son was attacked by a woodpecker.
403
00:13:07,579 --> 00:13:09,414
Yeah, a giant woodpecker.
404
00:13:09,498 --> 00:13:10,916
Every-- hello?
405
00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:16,296
Well, I don't blame them.
406
00:13:16,421 --> 00:13:17,840
I would have hung up, too.
407
00:13:17,923 --> 00:13:19,174
Well, tell them to come out here and see for themselves
408
00:13:19,258 --> 00:13:20,384
if they don't believe you.
409
00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:22,970
Well, those are my plans, honey.
410
00:13:23,095 --> 00:13:23,971
I don't blame them.
411
00:13:27,266 --> 00:13:28,350
Hello.
412
00:13:28,433 --> 00:13:29,601
Look, this is Robert Petri again.
413
00:13:29,726 --> 00:13:30,936
Look, if you don't believe me, you can come
414
00:13:31,061 --> 00:13:31,937
out here and save yourself.
415
00:13:32,020 --> 00:13:33,272
There's a great big wood--
416
00:13:33,355 --> 00:13:34,273
huh?
417
00:13:34,356 --> 00:13:37,359
No, this is not Steve Allen.
418
00:13:37,442 --> 00:13:39,403
I'm saying-- it's not a rib.
419
00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:40,946
Robert Petrie.
420
00:13:41,071 --> 00:13:45,450
P-E-- what difference does it make what I do for a living?
421
00:13:45,534 --> 00:13:46,952
All right, I'm a comedy writer.
422
00:13:47,035 --> 00:13:50,330
Now look, this sadistic bird is persecuting my boy.
423
00:13:50,455 --> 00:13:51,707
He's-- hello?
424
00:13:51,790 --> 00:13:52,958
Hello?
425
00:13:53,041 --> 00:13:54,334
Oh, boy.
426
00:13:54,459 --> 00:13:55,836
How do you-- what's the matter with those people?
427
00:13:55,961 --> 00:13:58,505
You shouldn't have admitted to being a comedy writer.
428
00:13:58,630 --> 00:14:00,048
How do you like--
429
00:14:00,132 --> 00:14:02,342
boy, you pay taxes and you pay taxes for these services,
430
00:14:02,467 --> 00:14:03,844
and you-- once in your life, you call up
431
00:14:03,969 --> 00:14:06,847
and ask them for a little help and you can't get it.
432
00:14:06,972 --> 00:14:08,640
Now listen to me, listen, don't talk.
433
00:14:08,724 --> 00:14:09,641
Just listen to me now.
434
00:14:09,725 --> 00:14:11,185
I am telling you the truth.
435
00:14:11,310 --> 00:14:12,811
I am serious.
436
00:14:12,936 --> 00:14:14,062
Well, I don't care.
437
00:14:14,146 --> 00:14:15,814
If a bird was trying to poke holes in your son's head
438
00:14:15,939 --> 00:14:17,774
you'd be a little beside yourself, too.
439
00:14:17,858 --> 00:14:21,111
Now this bird is a menace and I want you to get rid of him.
440
00:14:21,195 --> 00:14:23,322
What?
441
00:14:23,405 --> 00:14:25,199
You can't?
442
00:14:25,324 --> 00:14:28,994
Well, all right, what's their number?
443
00:14:29,077 --> 00:14:31,371
Four, four-- yeah, got it.
444
00:14:31,497 --> 00:14:32,831
Thank you.
445
00:14:32,915 --> 00:14:34,333
What'd they say?
446
00:14:34,416 --> 00:14:36,168
Woodpecker come under the jurisdiction
447
00:14:36,293 --> 00:14:38,795
of the game warden.
448
00:14:38,879 --> 00:14:40,672
You mean, there's nothing they can do?
449
00:14:40,756 --> 00:14:41,715
No.
450
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:43,800
Not unless the woodpecker attacks our cat.
451
00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:47,387
Hello?
452
00:14:47,513 --> 00:14:48,514
Hello?
453
00:14:48,639 --> 00:14:50,015
Sir, my-- is this the game warden?
454
00:14:50,140 --> 00:14:51,934
Sir, my name is Robert Petrie.
455
00:14:52,017 --> 00:14:54,853
I wanted you to send a man out here right away.
456
00:14:54,937 --> 00:14:57,022
Well, I'd-- I'd-- I'd rather tell you
457
00:14:57,147 --> 00:14:58,857
about it when you got out here.
458
00:14:58,941 --> 00:15:02,361
Well, because a lot of people have been hanging up on me.
459
00:15:02,444 --> 00:15:06,240
I'm-- look, I'll make a deal with you, sir.
460
00:15:06,365 --> 00:15:07,866
If I tell you about it over the phone,
461
00:15:07,991 --> 00:15:12,704
will you be a friendly game warden and not hang up on me?
462
00:15:12,830 --> 00:15:14,206
Good.
463
00:15:14,289 --> 00:15:16,792
You see this big black and orange
464
00:15:16,875 --> 00:15:20,045
woodpecker has been trying to peck holes in my son's head.
465
00:15:20,128 --> 00:15:21,338
Every time he goes outside--
466
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:22,548
hello.
467
00:15:27,553 --> 00:15:29,429
[inaudible]
468
00:15:29,555 --> 00:15:30,806
I think you lost him when you asked him
469
00:15:30,889 --> 00:15:33,267
to be a friendly game warden.
470
00:15:33,392 --> 00:15:34,393
I'll tell you something.
471
00:15:34,476 --> 00:15:35,978
I'm going to get him this time.
472
00:15:36,061 --> 00:15:37,604
You watch my smoke now.
473
00:15:40,023 --> 00:15:41,692
Help.
474
00:15:41,775 --> 00:15:42,401
Help.
475
00:15:42,526 --> 00:15:43,944
Help.
476
00:15:44,069 --> 00:15:48,115
There's a fiendish man out in his yard shooting birdies.
477
00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:50,450
Yes, birdies.
478
00:15:50,576 --> 00:15:52,369
He's out there now.
479
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:55,998
Send the game warden over right away.
480
00:15:56,081 --> 00:16:00,002
148 Bonnie Meadow Road.
481
00:16:00,085 --> 00:16:02,379
That'll get him.
482
00:16:02,462 --> 00:16:07,509
[music playing]
483
00:16:08,677 --> 00:16:11,096
Now Mrs. Helper, you say you're a witness.
484
00:16:11,221 --> 00:16:13,807
And remember, you're talking to a game warden.
485
00:16:13,932 --> 00:16:15,142
Yes.
486
00:16:15,267 --> 00:16:17,895
Well, I saw this woodpecker attack the boy in the head.
487
00:16:17,978 --> 00:16:21,607
Now, uh, does your son own a slingshot?
488
00:16:21,732 --> 00:16:22,858
No, he doesn't.
489
00:16:22,941 --> 00:16:24,568
Are you suggesting that our boy would--
490
00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:26,737
Madam, you made a charge against one
491
00:16:26,820 --> 00:16:29,072
of our county's birds.
492
00:16:29,156 --> 00:16:30,949
Now, I need the facts.
493
00:16:31,033 --> 00:16:33,827
The facts are that your bird is bothering our child.
494
00:16:33,952 --> 00:16:35,704
Well, it's nesting time.
495
00:16:35,787 --> 00:16:37,831
Maybe your child is bothering her child.
496
00:16:37,956 --> 00:16:40,792
When a bird is preparing a nest, she's very protective.
497
00:16:40,876 --> 00:16:42,920
Well, we're protective, too, warden.
498
00:16:43,003 --> 00:16:45,464
Now, isn't there's some way you can get rid of this bird?
499
00:16:45,589 --> 00:16:47,633
Now, before we start getting rid of things,
500
00:16:47,758 --> 00:16:50,552
can anybody here give me an accurate description
501
00:16:50,636 --> 00:16:52,137
of this alleged bird.
502
00:16:52,262 --> 00:16:53,430
Well, it was large.
503
00:16:53,514 --> 00:16:54,723
It was orange and black.
504
00:16:54,806 --> 00:16:57,601
Orange where and black where?
505
00:16:57,684 --> 00:16:59,645
Look, this isn't a murder trial.
506
00:16:59,770 --> 00:17:01,563
Can't you just go out there and shoot some buckshot up
507
00:17:01,647 --> 00:17:03,148
in the tree and get it over with.
508
00:17:03,232 --> 00:17:08,028
Mr. Petrie, there might be many birds in that tree.
509
00:17:08,153 --> 00:17:10,447
Are you suggesting that we wipe out whole families
510
00:17:10,531 --> 00:17:12,783
of innocent birds just to avenge your son?
511
00:17:12,866 --> 00:17:15,536
We just want to get rid of this one crazy bird.
512
00:17:15,661 --> 00:17:17,996
Well, I think I have all I need now.
513
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:21,166
I'll just go back to the office and discuss
514
00:17:21,291 --> 00:17:22,501
your case with my superior.
515
00:17:22,626 --> 00:17:24,002
Will you tell me what there is to discuss?
516
00:17:24,127 --> 00:17:25,629
Why can't you just arrested that crazy bird?
517
00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:26,505
Patience.
518
00:17:26,630 --> 00:17:27,840
Patience.
519
00:17:27,965 --> 00:17:29,716
Everything will be taken care of in good time.
520
00:17:29,842 --> 00:17:31,677
Well, what do we do in the meantime?
521
00:17:31,802 --> 00:17:34,179
Well, I suggest you keep your child in the house.
522
00:17:34,263 --> 00:17:36,473
Well, look, he has to go and come from school.
523
00:17:36,557 --> 00:17:37,766
He has to be protected from the bird.
524
00:17:37,850 --> 00:17:39,184
Now what do you recommend for that?
525
00:17:39,309 --> 00:17:44,106
Well, have him wear a pith helmet and sunglasses.
526
00:17:44,189 --> 00:17:47,025
You want my son to wear a pith helmet and sunglasses?
527
00:17:47,109 --> 00:17:49,778
And I would suggest, sir, that you don't
528
00:17:49,862 --> 00:17:51,655
try to do anything foolish.
529
00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:53,031
Now, look what could be more foolish
530
00:17:53,115 --> 00:17:55,158
than a 7-year-old kid going around in a pith
531
00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:56,076
helmet and sunglasses?
532
00:17:56,201 --> 00:17:57,077
Now, calm down.
533
00:17:57,202 --> 00:17:58,787
I'm not going to calm down until we
534
00:17:58,871 --> 00:18:01,206
rid the community of that neurotic vulture out there.
535
00:18:01,290 --> 00:18:05,127
Mr. Petrie, hunting and killing birds out of season
536
00:18:05,210 --> 00:18:06,378
is against the law.
537
00:18:06,503 --> 00:18:08,922
And I am paid to enforce that law.
538
00:18:09,047 --> 00:18:10,465
Well, looks to me like there ought
539
00:18:10,549 --> 00:18:13,427
to be a law about pecking holes in the little boy's heads.
540
00:18:13,552 --> 00:18:14,887
I'll be in touch with you.
541
00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:20,267
Well, how do you like that guy?
542
00:18:20,392 --> 00:18:21,935
A pith helmet and sunglasses?
543
00:18:22,060 --> 00:18:23,520
I'm going to take care of it myself.
544
00:18:23,604 --> 00:18:25,147
You want anything done, you got to take care of it yourself.
545
00:18:25,230 --> 00:18:26,815
Rob, you're not going to do anything foolish.
546
00:18:26,899 --> 00:18:28,150
ROB: I certainly am.
547
00:18:28,233 --> 00:18:29,568
MILLIE: What's he going to do? - I don't know.
548
00:18:29,693 --> 00:18:30,736
What are you going to do?
549
00:18:30,819 --> 00:18:31,904
I'm going to get rid of a bird.
550
00:18:34,406 --> 00:18:35,240
What's he going to do?
551
00:18:35,324 --> 00:18:36,200
Cook it?
552
00:18:36,283 --> 00:18:38,577
I don't know.
553
00:18:38,702 --> 00:18:42,998
[music playing]
554
00:18:43,081 --> 00:18:44,291
[banging]
555
00:18:44,416 --> 00:18:45,667
[whistling]
556
00:18:45,751 --> 00:18:49,838
[phone ringing]
557
00:18:51,590 --> 00:18:53,800
Hello.
558
00:18:53,926 --> 00:18:55,469
Oh, hello, Ms. Zelding.
559
00:18:55,594 --> 00:18:56,553
No.
560
00:18:56,637 --> 00:18:57,596
No, it's not Ritchie.
561
00:18:57,679 --> 00:19:00,265
It's-- yes, I'll try to stop it.
562
00:19:00,390 --> 00:19:01,600
I'm sorry, Mr. Zelding.
563
00:19:01,725 --> 00:19:02,976
Goodbye.
564
00:19:03,101 --> 00:19:06,605
[whistling]
565
00:19:06,730 --> 00:19:07,564
Rob.
566
00:19:07,648 --> 00:19:08,524
Rob.
567
00:19:08,607 --> 00:19:09,483
ROB: What?
568
00:19:09,608 --> 00:19:11,235
Will you stop that noise?
569
00:19:11,318 --> 00:19:13,445
Rob, the neighbors are starting to complain.
570
00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:17,282
Darn bird.
571
00:19:20,452 --> 00:19:25,415
Either he's completely hard of hearing or he's just stubborn.
572
00:19:25,499 --> 00:19:28,126
Sorry I bent your pot.
573
00:19:28,210 --> 00:19:28,794
It's all right.
574
00:19:28,919 --> 00:19:30,337
Did you see him?
575
00:19:30,462 --> 00:19:33,841
Yeah, he's sitting up in that pine tree laughing at me.
576
00:19:33,966 --> 00:19:35,050
I don't blame him.
577
00:19:35,133 --> 00:19:36,343
You did look kind of silly standing
578
00:19:36,468 --> 00:19:40,305
out there banging on the pot yelling, yahoo!
579
00:19:40,430 --> 00:19:41,890
I can't understand it.
580
00:19:41,974 --> 00:19:44,101
Why would that bird pick on one little boy and nobody else
581
00:19:44,184 --> 00:19:45,602
at all?
582
00:19:45,686 --> 00:19:47,813
Honey, are you sure that Ritchie, some way,
583
00:19:47,896 --> 00:19:49,106
hasn't been bothering that bird?
584
00:19:49,189 --> 00:19:50,440
Oh, Rob.
585
00:19:50,524 --> 00:19:53,151
You know Ritchie's not the kind of boy who bothers birds.
586
00:19:53,235 --> 00:19:54,319
No.
587
00:19:54,444 --> 00:19:56,655
Anyway, this one couldn't be bothered possibly.
588
00:19:56,738 --> 00:19:59,867
I was-- I scared away 20 sparrows and two cats
589
00:19:59,992 --> 00:20:03,787
and one old lady with an umbrella with that pot.
590
00:20:03,871 --> 00:20:05,164
Boy, not that vulture though.
591
00:20:05,289 --> 00:20:10,586
He sat up on that [bird sounds] making fun of me.
592
00:20:10,669 --> 00:20:12,337
Why does he hate our boy?
593
00:20:12,462 --> 00:20:13,297
I don't know.
594
00:20:13,380 --> 00:20:14,590
Maybe he loves him.
595
00:20:14,673 --> 00:20:15,841
Huh?
596
00:20:15,924 --> 00:20:17,092
Well, maybe pecking a boy on the head
597
00:20:17,176 --> 00:20:20,470
is a woodpecker's way of showing love.
598
00:20:20,554 --> 00:20:22,639
Honey, you did say he flew into Ritchie's window,
599
00:20:22,723 --> 00:20:23,932
didn't you?
600
00:20:24,016 --> 00:20:25,517
Yeah, Ritch said he came in and was pecking
601
00:20:25,642 --> 00:20:27,352
up the things on his bureau.
602
00:20:27,436 --> 00:20:28,687
What things on his bureau?
603
00:20:28,770 --> 00:20:29,980
Oh, I don't know.
604
00:20:30,063 --> 00:20:33,442
About 1,000 baseball cards, his lucky rock,
605
00:20:33,525 --> 00:20:36,862
his hairbrush, picture of Willy Mays, stuff like that.
606
00:20:40,324 --> 00:20:41,158
Ha!
607
00:20:41,241 --> 00:20:42,367
What?
608
00:20:42,451 --> 00:20:43,785
Honey, is that old bird cage still in the closet?
609
00:20:43,869 --> 00:20:45,329
Well, no. It's in the garage.
610
00:20:45,412 --> 00:20:46,413
In the garage? Good.
611
00:20:46,538 --> 00:20:48,040
You go open Ritchie's window. - All right.
612
00:20:48,123 --> 00:20:49,291
But why?
613
00:20:49,374 --> 00:20:50,918
Oh, and don't move any of the things on his bureau.
614
00:20:51,043 --> 00:20:51,835
All right, I wont.
615
00:20:51,919 --> 00:20:53,212
But where are you going?
616
00:20:53,337 --> 00:20:54,630
I'm going to try a ridiculous theory that just
617
00:20:54,713 --> 00:20:55,756
might turn out to be brilliant.
618
00:20:55,881 --> 00:20:57,090
What time's he get home school?
619
00:20:57,216 --> 00:20:58,717
I'm going to pick them up in about a half hour.
620
00:20:58,800 --> 00:20:59,843
Oh, I hope that's long enough.
621
00:20:59,927 --> 00:21:00,886
LAURA: For what?
622
00:21:00,969 --> 00:21:03,430
I'm going to catch me a bird.
623
00:21:03,555 --> 00:21:07,976
[music playing]
624
00:21:10,687 --> 00:21:11,813
Come on in, Ritch.
625
00:21:11,897 --> 00:21:13,232
RITCHIE: I'm afraid.
626
00:21:13,315 --> 00:21:16,235
If he's not out here, then maybe he's in the house.
627
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:18,946
All right, Millie and I will search the house.
628
00:21:22,574 --> 00:21:24,618
He's not in here either.
629
00:21:24,743 --> 00:21:25,828
Well, come on.
630
00:21:37,172 --> 00:21:39,049
You can take those things off, Ritchie.
631
00:21:39,132 --> 00:21:40,926
I think your bird has flown away.
632
00:21:41,009 --> 00:21:41,969
Where did he go?
633
00:21:42,094 --> 00:21:43,345
Maybe he's just asleep.
634
00:21:43,428 --> 00:21:45,931
Maybe Daddy killed him again for real.
635
00:21:46,056 --> 00:21:47,766
ROB: No, I didn't kill him again.
636
00:21:47,850 --> 00:21:49,184
Rob, where is he?
637
00:21:49,268 --> 00:21:49,935
Right here.
638
00:21:50,018 --> 00:21:50,853
Take him away!
639
00:21:50,936 --> 00:21:51,895
Take him away!
640
00:21:51,979 --> 00:21:53,647
Now, Ritchie, it's all right.
641
00:21:53,772 --> 00:21:55,232
Look, Daddy has him in a cage.
642
00:21:55,315 --> 00:21:56,191
See?
643
00:21:56,275 --> 00:21:57,192
There's your little brain picker.
644
00:21:57,276 --> 00:21:59,653
LAURA: Rob, how in the world?
645
00:21:59,778 --> 00:22:00,821
ROB: Well, it was very simple.
646
00:22:00,946 --> 00:22:02,364
As a matter of fact, the whole thing
647
00:22:02,447 --> 00:22:04,616
was simple if you look at life like a big mystery story.
648
00:22:04,741 --> 00:22:06,118
Well, tell us how you did it.
649
00:22:06,243 --> 00:22:09,079
Well, honey, in that cage is the key right there.
650
00:22:09,163 --> 00:22:10,789
RITCHIE: It looks like a hairbrush.
651
00:22:10,914 --> 00:22:12,124
ROB: It is your hairbrush, Ritch.
652
00:22:12,207 --> 00:22:13,667
But what's the hairbrush got to do with--
653
00:22:13,792 --> 00:22:16,378
Well, I used it as bait to lure that bird into the cage.
654
00:22:16,461 --> 00:22:17,296
As bait?
655
00:22:17,421 --> 00:22:18,505
Mm-hmm.
656
00:22:18,630 --> 00:22:20,966
Sit down, honey, and I'll tell you all about it.
657
00:22:21,091 --> 00:22:23,427
I got to thinking what was there about Ritchie's
658
00:22:23,510 --> 00:22:27,306
head that was different than anybody else's head?
659
00:22:27,431 --> 00:22:28,473
His hair, naturally.
660
00:22:28,599 --> 00:22:30,309
Yeah, this is exciting.
661
00:22:30,392 --> 00:22:32,060
Then I thought, why would a bird be
662
00:22:32,144 --> 00:22:33,979
interested in anybody's hair?
663
00:22:34,104 --> 00:22:36,231
What can a bird do with hair?
664
00:22:36,315 --> 00:22:37,524
Build a nest.
665
00:22:37,649 --> 00:22:39,943
Precisely, my dear.
666
00:22:40,027 --> 00:22:41,778
Said that just like Ronald Coleman.
667
00:22:41,862 --> 00:22:42,988
Thank you, Millie.
668
00:22:45,574 --> 00:22:48,160
But why did the bird just pick on Ritchie and no one else?
669
00:22:48,243 --> 00:22:50,496
You mean, why did she pick on Ritchie?
670
00:22:50,621 --> 00:22:51,413
She?
671
00:22:51,497 --> 00:22:52,539
Yes.
672
00:22:52,664 --> 00:22:55,000
Ritchie's assailant is an expectant woodpecker.
673
00:22:55,083 --> 00:22:56,168
How can you tell?
674
00:22:56,293 --> 00:22:58,253
Oh, they get a certain look about them.
675
00:22:58,337 --> 00:22:59,087
MILLIE: Oh.
676
00:22:59,171 --> 00:23:00,547
But how did you figure it out?
677
00:23:00,672 --> 00:23:02,841
Well, the game wardens said it was nesting time.
678
00:23:02,925 --> 00:23:05,010
And she began building her nest with the hair
679
00:23:05,093 --> 00:23:06,595
for Ritchie's hairbrush.
680
00:23:06,678 --> 00:23:07,971
Now, she liked Ritchie's hair and she didn't care whether it
681
00:23:08,055 --> 00:23:09,598
was new or used hair.
682
00:23:09,681 --> 00:23:12,184
So you see, Ritch, she wasn't trying to hurt you.
683
00:23:12,267 --> 00:23:14,436
She just wanted some of your hair to lay your eggs in.
684
00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:16,396
Now, young man, will you listen to your Mommy
685
00:23:16,522 --> 00:23:18,524
when she tells you to keep your hairbrush clean?
686
00:23:18,607 --> 00:23:19,942
No.
687
00:23:20,025 --> 00:23:20,984
What do you mean no?
688
00:23:21,068 --> 00:23:22,319
I like to be a nest.
689
00:23:22,402 --> 00:23:26,573
Here, woodpecker, want some hair.
690
00:23:26,698 --> 00:23:31,161
[music playing]
691
00:23:31,870 --> 00:23:33,497
[music playing]
692
00:23:33,580 --> 00:23:36,333
ROB: Well, there's your alleged woodpecker, sir.
693
00:23:36,416 --> 00:23:38,210
Yeah, that's a woodpecker, all right.
694
00:23:38,335 --> 00:23:40,254
Well, I guess I owe you folks an apology.
695
00:23:40,379 --> 00:23:41,463
What are you going to do with it?
696
00:23:41,547 --> 00:23:43,423
I'll offer her the Bronx Zoo I guess.
697
00:23:43,549 --> 00:23:46,385
They're a little low on woodpeckers.
698
00:23:46,510 --> 00:23:49,012
Here, Daddy, give this to the man for the bird.
699
00:23:49,096 --> 00:23:50,389
Well, you give it to him, Ritch.
700
00:23:50,472 --> 00:23:51,723
Well, what do you got there, sonny?
701
00:23:51,849 --> 00:23:52,683
Bag of birdseed?
702
00:23:52,766 --> 00:23:53,559
No.
703
00:23:53,684 --> 00:23:54,560
A bag of hair.
704
00:23:54,685 --> 00:23:55,811
Hair?
705
00:23:55,894 --> 00:23:57,145
I think that's nest building material.
706
00:23:57,229 --> 00:24:00,566
First time he ever volunteered for a haircut.
707
00:24:00,691 --> 00:24:03,402
I'm going to send her bag of hair every three weeks.
708
00:24:03,527 --> 00:24:05,070
Where should we send it? - Now, Ritchie.
709
00:24:05,195 --> 00:24:06,572
GAME WARDEN: No, that's all right, Mrs. Petrie.
710
00:24:06,655 --> 00:24:08,574
We'll be glad to accept your hair, sonny.
711
00:24:08,657 --> 00:24:09,616
Here's my card.
712
00:24:09,741 --> 00:24:10,784
You just mail it to that address.
713
00:24:10,909 --> 00:24:11,743
Well, that's awfully nice of you.
714
00:24:11,869 --> 00:24:13,036
Oh, perfectly all right.
715
00:24:13,120 --> 00:24:14,705
You heard to care packages, haven't you?
716
00:24:14,788 --> 00:24:17,624
Well, this will be a hair package.
717
00:24:17,749 --> 00:24:18,667
That's pretty good, huh?
718
00:24:18,750 --> 00:24:19,835
Hair package.
719
00:24:19,918 --> 00:24:22,004
Well, I'll run along with my bird.
720
00:24:22,087 --> 00:24:24,715
Thank you very much.
721
00:24:24,798 --> 00:24:27,342
Hair package.
722
00:24:27,426 --> 00:24:30,387
I guess I could be a comedy writer, couldn't I?
723
00:24:30,470 --> 00:24:32,097
Oh, yeah, that's pretty good.
724
00:24:32,181 --> 00:24:33,307
Hair package.
725
00:24:37,936 --> 00:24:40,606
[music playing]
726
00:24:40,689 --> 00:24:44,151
[music playing]
727
00:24:48,780 --> 00:24:53,452
[music playing]50967
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.