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[theme song]
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NARRATOR: The "Dick Van Dyke Show" starring Dick Van Dyke,
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Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Oh, boy am I glad this week is over.
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This has been a rough one.
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Oh, every bone in my brain aches.
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Hey, you know what's good for that?
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What?
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When you get home, get a bucket of warm water
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and soak your head for 20 minutes.
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Thanks a lot.
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I'd drown.
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Do you want to get rid of the headache or not?
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True.
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Have a good night, everybody. - Good night, Buddy.
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Night, Buddy.
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Hey, look who's here.
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Jeannie with the light brown scalp.
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Now I know what a producer does, deliver the garbage.
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Rob, I've got to get rid of these toys we used on the show
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last week.
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Open a little stand on the corner.
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There must be something Ritchie can use.
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I'm sure there will be.
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I'll leave you to distribute them fairly.
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Well, I've got to run.
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Yeah, run right into that brick wall out there.
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Yuck.
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Boy, there sure is a lot of junk in here.
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Who wants a doll? - Oh, good.
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Give her to me.
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I'll give her to my neighbor's kid,
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Hey, here's something for Ritchie.
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A bathtub toy with a plastic fish in it.
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I think Ritchie's a little too old for plastic fish.
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I'll take it.
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I don't want to be personal, but aren't you old enough
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to bathe with real fish?
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It's not for me.
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It's for Mr. Henderson, my cat.
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Your cat eats plastic fish?
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SALLY AND ROB: It's a plastic cat.
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Thank you.
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Hey, there's something Ritchie and I could use at the beach
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this summer.
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Why don't we go to the mountains?
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Hey, Ritchie'll love this.
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Oh, no BB guns.
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Laura's against guns.
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OK, I'll take it.
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I'll use it on my boyfriend Herman.
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In case he gets fresh?
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No, in case he doesn't.
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Hey, who wants a teddy bear?
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Ritchie's got one.
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Hey, I'll take it for my wife.
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She can use it for a pincushion.
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It's a pretty big pincushion.
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She got big pins.
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Oh, yeah, I forgot, she's very tall, and boney.
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Who wants two dolls?
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Oh, give it to me.
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I got lots of neighbors.
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Now look, this isn't fair.
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We're grabbing all the toys and Rob's
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the only one who's got a kid. - She's right.
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Give us the kid.
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If you don't mind, I'd like to keep him a little while longer.
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Just helping.
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Hey here's something maybe Ritchie could use.
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Oh, what is it?
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It's a box.
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Oh, come on.
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[duckling chirps]
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Baby ducks.
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Oh, aren't they cute?
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Oh, they're the ones we used in the final number last week.
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Well, what are we going to do with live baby ducks?
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No, what are you going to do with like baby ducks?
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They can't come home with me unless I want to be cat food.
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Oh, yeah.
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How about you, Buddy?
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Oh, all right I'll take them.
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My dog likes to eat between meals.
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[ducks quacking]
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They're cute.
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This one's got a little black spot right on his beak there.
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Sal, here. You know about these things.
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You're a woman.
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Oh, you've noticed?
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Thank you.
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We notice all the time.
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Aw.
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Give them to Ritchie, he'll love them.
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But Laura won't.
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We got him a couple of baby chicks Easter,
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and they both died the same day.
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Laura was very upset.
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No more like chicks.
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But they're not chicks, they're ducks.
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Well, it's the same thing.
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It is not.
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They got flat noses.
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Even if they had square noses, you
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can't leave them in the office.
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That's right.
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They're definitely not office ducks.
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SALLY: Aw, Rob, look how cute they are.
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How can Laura not like them?
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Easy.
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Let me see.
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Hey, can't you just picture these little fellows
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just waddling all over your house, frolicking,
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and quacking, and--
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and--
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Those and uhs will get me thrown right out of the house.
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Oh, I can't do that to Laura.
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You guys don't know how much trouble these things
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can be around the house.
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Boy, if I was in Laura's shoes, I
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sure wouldn't want them around.
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They sure are soft.
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I think I'm in love.
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You guys are coming home with me.
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[music playing]
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Keep your big, flat beaks shut.
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LAURA: Hi, honey.
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Who's there?
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Just an average housewife who needs kissing desperately.
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How did you do that?
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That was just--
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what-- where's Rich?
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Where's Rich?
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Is that what you're going to say?
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Well, what'd you expect?
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Well, I don't know.
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How about why the big sexy hello?
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Or did you smash a fender?
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Or how much did that dress cost?
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Well, I'll try all three.
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A why the, did you, and how much?
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Well, because I love you, I didn't, and $12.95.
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Wonderful.
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Where is Rich?
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Wait, he's in the bathtub.
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Why?
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Well, I didn't want him popping in on us suddenly.
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Oh, what'd you have in mind?
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Well, I want to be alone with you just a minute.
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Why, darling, how romantic.
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Do you know something?
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You've been seeing too many Italian movies.
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Honey, I've got a surprise for you.
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Oh?
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Yeah.
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Couple of house guests.
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What?
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Well, I want you to know, first of all,
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I had absolutely no choice in the matter.
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I had to bring them home.
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You brought Buddy and Sally for dinner
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and I'm serving leftovers.
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No, honey, you're-- now you're--
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leftovers?
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How could we have leftovers?
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We ate out last night.
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We had breakfast in.
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- Leftover eggs? - No.
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Leftover spaghetti.
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Oh.
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Well, all right, where are they?
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Well, they're in the closet.
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The closet?
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It's all right, honey.
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They're in a box.
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Rob, what are you talking about?
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Well, honey, you-- you remember
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last Easter we bought Ritchie those two cute,
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little baby chicks?
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Oh, not baby chicks.
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You didn't.
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No, I didn't.
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Don't look relieved yet.
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I brought baby ducks.
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You couldn't have.
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Why would I lie about a thing like that?
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Honey, we used them on a show a couple weeks ago,
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and they were abandoned.
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LAURA: That step.
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I saw it.
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Honey, I just couldn't leave them sitting
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in the office over the weekend.
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Rob, we can't have ducks in the house.
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They'll be running all over the rugs, and quacking, and--
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and--
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Honey, maybe we can put them in the garage
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until we figure out what to do with them.
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Don't open them. Don't show them to me.
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I don't want to see them. I know what you're thinking.
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What am I thinking?
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That if I look at them, I'll find them irresistible,
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and let you keep them.
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Aw, honey, they're so small, and cute, and they're orphans.
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Rob, please put them back in the box.
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I don't want to look at them.
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You're going to have to get rid of them.
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You're going to have to get rid of them.
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Me? Why me?
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You brought them home.
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Well, that's why.
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I know them, and we're in love.
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Well, we'll just have to get somebody to take
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them before Richie sees them.
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And please, put them back in the box, Rob.
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OK, fellows, sit down.
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She's not ready for you.
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Honey, just listen to them.
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I will not listen.
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One of us has to remain strong.
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Can't you just listen to them?
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(SINGING) Way down upon the--
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He's hungry.
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(SINGING) Then give him some food.
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Mommy!
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- What is it, Rich? - Hi, Daddy,
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ROB: Hi, Rich.
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LAURA: Ritchie, what are you doing out of the tub?
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My submarine sank.
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His submarine sank.
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Good, Ritchie, you get back into that tub.
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The water's gone.
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Well, then just fill it up again.
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What's in that box, Mommy?
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Oh, nothing Rich.
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Nothing.
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Now you go get ready for dinner, please.
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[ducks chirping]
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I heard a baby chick.
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Of course, you heard a baby chick.
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(WHISTLING)
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Do it again.
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Well, I'll cheep some more after dinner for you.
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Aw, please.
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Rich, you know daddy doesn't like
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the cheap on an empty stomach.
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No, go get-- will you go--
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[ducks chirping]
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How can you cheep and talk at the same time, daddy?
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Well, cheap and talk--
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well, I'm not the only one cheeping.
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Mama's cheeping too.
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RITCHIE: Are you, Mommy?
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Yes, I--
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[cheeping]
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See?
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Now you go get dressed, Ritchie.
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That's real cheeping.
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Daddy, you have chicks behind you.
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I want to see the chicks
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Honey, what do I do?
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Show him the ducks.
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Ducks!
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Let me see!
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Ritchie, wait a minute.
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Rich, look I got to understand though.
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Just visiting for the weekend, Rich, and we can't have them.
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They're not ours.
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They can't stay.
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Oh, look what flat feet they have, Mommy.
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Yes, I see, dear.
272
00:08:28,634 --> 00:08:31,345
They're very cute.
273
00:08:31,470 --> 00:08:34,556
I'm going to call this one Oliver, and this one Stanley.
274
00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:37,392
He's going to call them Oliver and Stanley.
275
00:08:37,476 --> 00:08:39,645
Look like flat mouths they have, Daddy,
276
00:08:39,770 --> 00:08:41,772
Yeah, well, those are called "beaks," Rich.
277
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:44,149
That's not-- they're-- we can't-- they're not ours.
278
00:08:44,274 --> 00:08:46,151
We can't have them.
279
00:08:46,235 --> 00:08:47,694
Honey, we're stuck.
280
00:08:47,819 --> 00:08:49,154
He's got names for them already.
281
00:08:49,279 --> 00:08:50,113
This is Oliver.
282
00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:52,199
Rob, please, put it back.
283
00:08:52,324 --> 00:08:54,409
Come on, Oliver, take it easy.
284
00:08:54,493 --> 00:08:55,494
Ritchie, watch Stanley and Oliver.
285
00:08:55,619 --> 00:08:57,120
Don't let them fall.
286
00:08:57,204 --> 00:08:59,540
Honey, how can we give away cute little balls of fur like that?
287
00:08:59,665 --> 00:09:01,333
Oh, Rob, those cute little balls of fur
288
00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:04,670
are going to grow into big, fat, noisy, dirty, dumb ducks.
289
00:09:07,339 --> 00:09:08,382
How can you be such a pessimist?
290
00:09:08,507 --> 00:09:09,675
A pessimist?
291
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:11,301
Well, yeah, there's a bright side to having
292
00:09:11,385 --> 00:09:12,845
ducks around the house too.
293
00:09:12,928 --> 00:09:13,512
There is?
294
00:09:13,637 --> 00:09:15,097
Well, yeah.
295
00:09:15,180 --> 00:09:18,308
When they-- when they grow up, we can have fresh duck eggs
296
00:09:18,392 --> 00:09:19,560
for breakfast every morning.
297
00:09:19,685 --> 00:09:20,519
From which one?
298
00:09:20,602 --> 00:09:23,272
Oliver or Stanley?
299
00:09:23,355 --> 00:09:26,859
[music playing]
300
00:09:29,945 --> 00:09:33,031
You mean you can hear the quacking next door?
301
00:09:33,115 --> 00:09:35,868
Well, I'm sorry Millie, but I don't know what to do.
302
00:09:35,951 --> 00:09:37,411
No, we can't give them away.
303
00:09:37,536 --> 00:09:40,122
Since Oliver died, Ritchie's become so attached to Stanley
304
00:09:40,205 --> 00:09:44,376
that he bursts into tears every time we punish that duck.
305
00:09:44,501 --> 00:09:45,878
Oh, yes, you have to every once in a while.
306
00:09:46,003 --> 00:09:47,880
They quack a lot, but they get over it.
307
00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:51,383
What?
308
00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:52,551
Oh, well, we punish him by taking
309
00:09:52,634 --> 00:09:55,888
away his bathtub privileges.
310
00:09:55,971 --> 00:09:57,514
I know it sounds crazy, Millie.
311
00:09:57,598 --> 00:10:00,934
But listen, we'll try to keep him quiet tonight.
312
00:10:01,059 --> 00:10:02,144
I'm sorry.
313
00:10:02,227 --> 00:10:03,562
Goodbye, Millie.
314
00:10:03,687 --> 00:10:07,065
[music playing]
315
00:10:07,149 --> 00:10:09,693
[duck quacks]
316
00:10:13,739 --> 00:10:15,908
Come on, Ritchie, off to school.
317
00:10:16,033 --> 00:10:18,285
But I didn't feed Stanley his breakfast.
318
00:10:18,410 --> 00:10:19,244
Well, I'll feed him.
319
00:10:19,328 --> 00:10:20,245
You get on to school.
320
00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:21,580
Come on, Rich, you'll be late.
321
00:10:23,457 --> 00:10:24,249
Goodbye, sweetie.
322
00:10:24,374 --> 00:10:26,084
Bye-bye, Mommy.
323
00:10:26,168 --> 00:10:27,085
Bye, Stanley.
324
00:10:27,169 --> 00:10:28,378
Eat your cereal.
325
00:10:28,462 --> 00:10:29,880
Bye, Daddy.
326
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:32,257
Bye, Rich.
327
00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:34,885
Well, don't you think it's time we found him a new home?
328
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:39,431
Ssh, not in front of the D-U-C-K.
329
00:10:39,556 --> 00:10:40,933
It's not funny.
330
00:10:41,058 --> 00:10:43,560
That bird should be swimming in a lake not in the sink.
331
00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:44,811
Oh, I know it, honey.
332
00:10:44,937 --> 00:10:46,396
Did I tell you the dream I had last night?
333
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:47,606
No.
334
00:10:47,689 --> 00:10:49,191
I dreamed that Stanley was in this--
335
00:10:49,274 --> 00:10:51,902
in this sink, and I accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
336
00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:53,654
Oh, Rob.
337
00:10:53,779 --> 00:10:56,073
Watermelon rinds, and feathers, and everything--
338
00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:56,990
Rob, please stop it.
339
00:10:57,115 --> 00:10:59,952
--all over.
340
00:11:00,035 --> 00:11:01,787
Well, honey, what are we going to do?
341
00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:03,455
I don't know, dear, but the longer we wait,
342
00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:04,832
the more difficult it'll be.
343
00:11:04,957 --> 00:11:07,084
Yeah, it's going to break Ritchie's little heart.
344
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:10,379
I know, I know, but we have to do it.
345
00:11:10,462 --> 00:11:12,047
Yeah, I'll--
346
00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:16,760
I'll tell them tonight.
347
00:11:16,844 --> 00:11:19,096
No, we'll tell him together, and that way, neither of us
348
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:19,847
will be the villain.
349
00:11:19,972 --> 00:11:23,559
Yeah, that's a good idea.
350
00:11:23,642 --> 00:11:24,476
Rob?
351
00:11:24,601 --> 00:11:25,727
Hmm?
352
00:11:25,811 --> 00:11:27,479
You know, he didn't eat his breakfast,
353
00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:29,314
and there are feathers all over the sink.
354
00:11:29,398 --> 00:11:30,858
And the way he's shaking, and--
355
00:11:30,983 --> 00:11:33,819
oh, Rob, this is the way the other one acted before he died.
356
00:11:33,944 --> 00:11:35,237
Well, honey, take it easy.
357
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:36,154
Oh, Rob.
358
00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:37,823
Don't get excited now.
359
00:11:37,906 --> 00:11:40,325
Oh, he may be-- you know, it's impossible,
360
00:11:40,409 --> 00:11:43,662
but I think he's pale.
361
00:11:43,745 --> 00:11:45,998
Supposed ducks ever get fevers?
362
00:11:46,123 --> 00:11:47,416
No, he don't have a temperature.
363
00:11:47,499 --> 00:11:48,500
Where's his pulse?
364
00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:50,669
Oh, Rob, do something.
365
00:11:50,794 --> 00:11:52,546
Honey, what are we going to do?
366
00:11:52,671 --> 00:11:54,173
You gave the other one hot chicken soup,
367
00:11:54,298 --> 00:11:55,966
it didn't do any good.
368
00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:57,301
Well, take him to the vet.
369
00:11:57,384 --> 00:11:58,177
To the vet?
370
00:11:58,302 --> 00:11:59,261
Yes.
371
00:11:59,344 --> 00:12:01,388
Rob, please, that poor bird is suffering.
372
00:12:01,513 --> 00:12:02,681
All right.
373
00:12:02,806 --> 00:12:03,849
Oh, come on, Stanley.
374
00:12:03,974 --> 00:12:07,102
We're going to go get a physical.
375
00:12:07,186 --> 00:12:10,814
[music playing]
376
00:12:45,557 --> 00:12:46,725
It's a duck.
377
00:12:50,562 --> 00:12:52,648
So it is.
378
00:12:52,731 --> 00:12:53,815
How old is it?
379
00:12:53,899 --> 00:12:56,860
Oh, three months.
380
00:12:56,944 --> 00:12:58,403
Tall for his age.
381
00:13:01,406 --> 00:13:05,786
My-- my wife and I are both tall-- oh, I mean,
382
00:13:05,911 --> 00:13:08,705
we give him vitamin shots.
383
00:13:08,789 --> 00:13:10,707
How old do you think Lulu is?
384
00:13:10,791 --> 00:13:12,251
I don't know, how old?
385
00:13:12,334 --> 00:13:13,293
Guess.
386
00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:15,963
Well, I'm not too good at guessing ages.
387
00:13:16,088 --> 00:13:18,048
Well, I'll give you a hint.
388
00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:20,592
She's much older than she looks.
389
00:13:20,717 --> 00:13:21,552
Come on, guess.
390
00:13:21,635 --> 00:13:22,761
Oh, whisper it.
391
00:13:22,845 --> 00:13:25,556
She's very self-conscious about it.
392
00:13:25,639 --> 00:13:27,057
How old would you say she is?
393
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:31,270
Well, she's older than she looks, huh?
394
00:13:31,395 --> 00:13:32,271
Seven.
395
00:13:34,439 --> 00:13:35,357
She's four.
396
00:13:38,902 --> 00:13:42,030
Duck lover.
397
00:13:42,114 --> 00:13:44,950
Miss Singleton, the doctor's ready to see Lulu now.
398
00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:47,286
Oh, did Dr. Schweitzer see her tests yet?
399
00:13:47,369 --> 00:13:48,412
Yes, he did.
400
00:13:48,495 --> 00:13:52,082
Good, I hope you don't have to wear glasses.
401
00:13:52,166 --> 00:13:52,791
Glasses?
402
00:13:52,916 --> 00:13:54,459
Just for eating.
403
00:13:54,585 --> 00:13:55,878
She steps in her bowl.
404
00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:03,218
Try to explain something to somebody who keeps a duck.
405
00:14:05,971 --> 00:14:07,347
You know what amazes me?
406
00:14:07,472 --> 00:14:10,976
How some people can get so wrapped up with their pets.
407
00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:13,520
After all, a dog is a dog.
408
00:14:13,645 --> 00:14:15,063
You're right about that.
409
00:14:15,147 --> 00:14:17,900
She talked to that dog as though it were a human being.
410
00:14:17,983 --> 00:14:20,527
Now you don't talk to your duck that way, do you?
411
00:14:20,652 --> 00:14:21,486
No.
412
00:14:21,570 --> 00:14:22,821
See, you're sensible.
413
00:14:22,946 --> 00:14:24,198
Thank you.
414
00:14:24,323 --> 00:14:25,657
A duck is a duck.
415
00:14:25,741 --> 00:14:26,575
That's right.
416
00:14:26,658 --> 00:14:27,618
A dog's a dog.
417
00:14:27,701 --> 00:14:30,162
And a cat is a person.
418
00:14:36,043 --> 00:14:38,504
Miss Glasset, doctor will see you now.
419
00:14:38,587 --> 00:14:41,131
Now, Lillybeth, don't be afraid.
420
00:14:41,215 --> 00:14:42,799
Doctor isn't going to hurt you.
421
00:14:42,883 --> 00:14:46,428
He's just going to talk to you.
422
00:14:46,512 --> 00:14:48,013
She thinks she's pregnant.
423
00:15:01,109 --> 00:15:02,611
- Mr. Fletcher? - Yes?
424
00:15:02,694 --> 00:15:04,363
VET ASSISTANT: Duke is ready. I'll bring him out in a minute.
425
00:15:04,488 --> 00:15:05,405
Oh, thank you very much.
426
00:15:05,531 --> 00:15:07,449
That's wonderful.
427
00:15:07,533 --> 00:15:08,992
You know, it's a funny thing.
428
00:15:09,076 --> 00:15:11,036
I've been over here at least a dozen times,
429
00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:14,331
and every time I come, I run into a couple of these weirdos.
430
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:16,625
You know, these characters that treat their pets
431
00:15:16,708 --> 00:15:17,793
as if they're people.
432
00:15:17,876 --> 00:15:19,378
It's ridiculous, isn't it?
433
00:15:19,461 --> 00:15:20,712
Sure is.
434
00:15:20,796 --> 00:15:23,549
Tell me, how do you treat that duck?
435
00:15:23,632 --> 00:15:24,842
Like a-- like a duck.
436
00:15:24,925 --> 00:15:26,176
Good for you.
437
00:15:26,260 --> 00:15:27,928
You know, people ought to realize they're
438
00:15:28,053 --> 00:15:29,555
nothing but dumb animals.
439
00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:32,724
You know, it's-- nice to have pets, and it's a lot
440
00:15:32,850 --> 00:15:33,976
of fun to have them around.
441
00:15:34,059 --> 00:15:35,727
But I'm not going to have my whole life
442
00:15:35,811 --> 00:15:37,563
upset by some dumb animal.
443
00:15:37,688 --> 00:15:39,398
Well, that makes sense.
444
00:15:39,523 --> 00:15:41,275
VET ASSISTANT: All set, Mr. Fletcher.
445
00:15:47,948 --> 00:15:49,408
Look at him.
446
00:15:49,533 --> 00:15:50,951
Come on, baby.
447
00:15:51,076 --> 00:15:51,869
Come on now.
448
00:15:51,952 --> 00:15:53,495
We're going to go home.
449
00:15:53,579 --> 00:15:54,538
How's he been feeling?
450
00:15:54,621 --> 00:15:55,706
Is he all right now? - Yes.
451
00:15:55,789 --> 00:15:57,166
That's good. Come on, boy.
452
00:15:57,249 --> 00:15:58,208
Yes.
453
00:15:58,292 --> 00:16:01,044
He's a wonderful friend to me because I
454
00:16:01,128 --> 00:16:02,921
treat him like a kangaroo.
455
00:16:03,046 --> 00:16:04,548
Come on now, we're going home to Mommy.
456
00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:09,094
This is the way-- here's the door over here, Dukey boy.
457
00:16:09,219 --> 00:16:10,137
He kind of likes it here.
458
00:16:10,262 --> 00:16:13,182
He's been here for some time.
459
00:16:13,265 --> 00:16:17,895
Come on, baby doll, we're going home now.
460
00:16:17,978 --> 00:16:20,647
Well, come on, Mama's waiting for us.
461
00:16:20,772 --> 00:16:22,232
Good luck with your duck!
462
00:16:29,948 --> 00:16:31,325
If you'll follow me, sir.
463
00:16:31,450 --> 00:16:32,367
Oh.
464
00:16:34,286 --> 00:16:36,455
Say, that duck doesn't look too good, does he?
465
00:16:36,580 --> 00:16:38,040
No, he doesn't, does he?
466
00:16:38,123 --> 00:16:39,625
He's shaking all the time, his hair
467
00:16:39,750 --> 00:16:41,960
and feathers are falling out, and he's been depressed lately.
468
00:16:42,044 --> 00:16:45,214
[ominous music playing]
469
00:16:48,967 --> 00:16:50,511
No, Buddy, I don't know where he is.
470
00:16:50,636 --> 00:16:51,970
I thought he was at work.
471
00:16:52,054 --> 00:16:54,806
Well, he took the duck to the vet hours ago.
472
00:16:54,890 --> 00:16:56,808
Well, I'll call you if I hear from him.
473
00:16:56,934 --> 00:16:59,645
Right, goodbye.
474
00:16:59,728 --> 00:17:00,854
Come on, Rich, eat your lunch.
475
00:17:00,979 --> 00:17:02,439
I'm not hungry.
476
00:17:02,523 --> 00:17:04,691
Ritchie, dear, it isn't going to do any good
477
00:17:04,816 --> 00:17:06,318
to worry about Stanley.
478
00:17:06,443 --> 00:17:08,612
Listen, why don't you go next door and play with Freddie?
479
00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:11,365
But can't I wait for Daddy to come back with him?
480
00:17:11,490 --> 00:17:13,408
Well, darling, I don't know when he's coming.
481
00:17:13,492 --> 00:17:14,326
Rob.
482
00:17:14,451 --> 00:17:15,494
Daddy!
483
00:17:15,577 --> 00:17:16,954
Where's Stanley?
484
00:17:17,037 --> 00:17:17,955
Rob, where's the duck?
485
00:17:18,038 --> 00:17:19,498
Well-- hold on you two.
486
00:17:19,623 --> 00:17:22,000
If you'd just give me a minute, I'll tell you about Stanley.
487
00:17:22,125 --> 00:17:23,627
Well, Rob, is he all right?
488
00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:24,545
Where is he?
489
00:17:24,670 --> 00:17:26,338
I want Stanley.
490
00:17:26,463 --> 00:17:27,923
Sit down, Rich.
491
00:17:28,006 --> 00:17:32,052
Rich, you know, Stanley was a very sick duck.
492
00:17:32,177 --> 00:17:32,970
Oh, Rob, no.
493
00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:34,304
Where is he?
494
00:17:34,388 --> 00:17:37,766
Rich, Ritchie, you've heard the expression
495
00:17:37,850 --> 00:17:39,685
"like a duck out of water?"
496
00:17:39,810 --> 00:17:41,186
Daddy, is he dead?
497
00:17:41,311 --> 00:17:43,230
No, no, Rich, he's alive.
498
00:17:43,355 --> 00:17:47,693
But he's alive because now he's a duck in water.
499
00:17:47,818 --> 00:17:49,069
Rich, I put Stanley in the lake.
500
00:17:49,194 --> 00:17:51,029
You put Stanley in a lake!
501
00:17:51,113 --> 00:17:51,947
Well, you see, Rich--
502
00:17:52,030 --> 00:17:53,240
But that's not fair.
503
00:17:53,365 --> 00:17:55,534
He's my duck not yours, and I want him back.
504
00:17:55,617 --> 00:17:56,827
Go get him, Daddy.
505
00:17:56,910 --> 00:17:58,245
I can't, Rich.
506
00:17:58,370 --> 00:17:59,538
Now if you would just listen to Daddy for one minute.
507
00:17:59,663 --> 00:18:00,497
No, I won't!
508
00:18:00,581 --> 00:18:01,707
You gave my duck away!
509
00:18:01,790 --> 00:18:03,876
ROB: Only because he can't live here anymore, Rich.
510
00:18:03,959 --> 00:18:07,212
Well, if he can't, then I don't want to live here either!
511
00:18:07,337 --> 00:18:08,714
Ritchie, where are you going?
512
00:18:08,797 --> 00:18:10,048
To live with Stanley!
513
00:18:14,136 --> 00:18:15,220
You or me?
514
00:18:17,723 --> 00:18:18,557
Me.
515
00:18:18,682 --> 00:18:22,269
[music playing]
516
00:18:48,170 --> 00:18:49,755
Going to pack a bathing suit?
517
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:52,257
I don't need a bathing suit.
518
00:18:52,382 --> 00:18:53,550
Well, I don't know.
519
00:18:53,634 --> 00:18:55,135
If you're going to live with Stanley,
520
00:18:55,260 --> 00:18:58,096
you'll probably spend a lot of time in the water.
521
00:18:58,222 --> 00:19:00,015
He'll live with me on the shore.
522
00:19:00,098 --> 00:19:02,768
He'll live with you on the shore?
523
00:19:02,893 --> 00:19:04,353
Thought you said you loved Stanley.
524
00:19:04,436 --> 00:19:05,062
I do.
525
00:19:05,145 --> 00:19:07,689
You and Mommy don't.
526
00:19:07,773 --> 00:19:09,149
We do, Rich.
527
00:19:09,274 --> 00:19:10,692
I don't think you do.
528
00:19:10,776 --> 00:19:12,152
I do so.
529
00:19:12,277 --> 00:19:14,279
I kiss him on the head every night.
530
00:19:14,404 --> 00:19:16,323
Well, Rich, that isn't all there is to love.
531
00:19:16,448 --> 00:19:18,826
Then why do you kiss me on the head?
532
00:19:18,951 --> 00:19:20,911
Don't you love me?
533
00:19:20,994 --> 00:19:23,080
Well, of course I do, Rich.
534
00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:25,123
But that isn't all there is to love.
535
00:19:25,249 --> 00:19:26,583
If I just kissed you on the head,
536
00:19:26,667 --> 00:19:28,085
and then did all the things that were bad for you,
537
00:19:28,168 --> 00:19:29,962
now that wouldn't be love at all.
538
00:19:30,045 --> 00:19:31,839
What would?
539
00:19:31,964 --> 00:19:33,131
What would?
540
00:19:33,257 --> 00:19:34,633
That's a pretty big question.
541
00:19:37,135 --> 00:19:39,137
Rich, come here.
542
00:19:39,263 --> 00:19:40,138
Sit down a minute, will you?
543
00:19:40,264 --> 00:19:42,266
I'm not finished packing.
544
00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:44,226
Well, you can finish packing later.
545
00:19:44,309 --> 00:19:45,310
It'll just take a minute.
546
00:19:45,435 --> 00:19:46,353
Come on.
547
00:19:51,859 --> 00:19:54,820
Well, what-- what would be love?
548
00:19:54,903 --> 00:19:57,865
Well, Rich, let's just say that one little part of love
549
00:19:57,990 --> 00:20:00,450
would be that you think more of what's good for the one
550
00:20:00,534 --> 00:20:02,995
you love than you think of what's good for yourself.
551
00:20:03,078 --> 00:20:06,081
I think of what's good for Stanley.
552
00:20:06,165 --> 00:20:08,292
I gave him my cornflakes.
553
00:20:08,375 --> 00:20:10,252
Well, yeah, Rich, but we didn't
554
00:20:10,335 --> 00:20:13,005
give him something that he wanted a lot more than that.
555
00:20:13,130 --> 00:20:14,590
Like oatmeal cookies?
556
00:20:14,673 --> 00:20:16,675
No, Rich.
557
00:20:16,758 --> 00:20:18,552
His freedom.
558
00:20:18,677 --> 00:20:21,471
Rich, the duck doctor said that that's why he was sick,
559
00:20:21,555 --> 00:20:24,266
and maybe that's why Oliver died.
560
00:20:24,349 --> 00:20:26,018
We made Oliver die?
561
00:20:26,101 --> 00:20:27,394
Well, could be.
562
00:20:27,519 --> 00:20:29,521
See, Rich, we were having so much fun with Oliver,
563
00:20:29,605 --> 00:20:32,316
we never stopped to think that maybe he have more fun
564
00:20:32,399 --> 00:20:34,735
if he was in a pond with other ducks.
565
00:20:34,860 --> 00:20:36,236
But we loved him.
566
00:20:36,361 --> 00:20:39,364
Well, yes, Rich, but that was a selfish love.
567
00:20:39,489 --> 00:20:42,034
Maybe-- maybe we loved Oliver to death.
568
00:20:42,117 --> 00:20:43,494
Can you do that?
569
00:20:43,577 --> 00:20:47,581
Well, Rich, you love your goldfish, don't you?
570
00:20:47,706 --> 00:20:48,749
Yeah.
571
00:20:48,874 --> 00:20:50,375
Well, you wouldn't take one out of the tank,
572
00:20:50,501 --> 00:20:53,086
and hug him, and kiss him, and make
573
00:20:53,212 --> 00:20:55,547
him sleep on a pillow beside you just because you loved him,
574
00:20:55,672 --> 00:20:56,507
would you?
575
00:20:56,590 --> 00:20:57,216
No.
576
00:20:57,299 --> 00:20:58,550
Well, why not?
577
00:20:58,634 --> 00:20:59,635
He'd die.
578
00:20:59,718 --> 00:21:00,636
That's right, Rich.
579
00:21:00,719 --> 00:21:03,096
And what kind of love would that be?
580
00:21:03,222 --> 00:21:04,306
Selfish love.
581
00:21:04,389 --> 00:21:05,766
That's right, Rich.
582
00:21:05,891 --> 00:21:08,352
And it's very selfish for us to make Stanley stay
583
00:21:08,435 --> 00:21:11,063
in that kitchen sink when he'd much rather be
584
00:21:11,146 --> 00:21:13,815
in the park with his friends.
585
00:21:13,899 --> 00:21:17,736
Now, ducks love ducks more than they do people.
586
00:21:17,819 --> 00:21:20,405
And it's right for people to love people
587
00:21:20,531 --> 00:21:22,574
a lot more than they do ducks.
588
00:21:22,699 --> 00:21:24,868
And Mommy and I love you much, much more
589
00:21:24,952 --> 00:21:27,162
than we could ever love a duck.
590
00:21:27,246 --> 00:21:30,541
And I-- I guess that's why Mom and I'd
591
00:21:30,624 --> 00:21:33,627
be very, very hurt if you went away and lived with Stanley.
592
00:21:38,841 --> 00:21:39,633
Daddy?
593
00:21:39,758 --> 00:21:40,926
ROB: What?
594
00:21:41,051 --> 00:21:43,929
Would Stanley really die if we brought him back home?
595
00:21:44,012 --> 00:21:48,559
Well, Ritchie, the point is that even if he lived,
596
00:21:48,642 --> 00:21:50,477
he'd be much happier where he is now.
597
00:21:50,602 --> 00:21:53,897
Was he happy when you put him in the lake?
598
00:21:53,981 --> 00:21:56,024
Let me tell you about that.
599
00:21:56,108 --> 00:21:57,693
As soon as I put Stanley in the lake,
600
00:21:57,776 --> 00:22:00,821
a big, beautiful, white duck came swimming up.
601
00:22:00,946 --> 00:22:01,947
Like Oliver?
602
00:22:02,072 --> 00:22:03,365
Well, yeah, kind of like Oliver.
603
00:22:03,448 --> 00:22:07,119
Only I think a better name for her would be Olivia.
604
00:22:07,202 --> 00:22:08,704
She kind of circled around old Stanley
605
00:22:08,787 --> 00:22:10,414
a couple of times just looking him over,
606
00:22:10,497 --> 00:22:12,457
and then she swam away.
607
00:22:12,583 --> 00:22:13,917
Stanley just sat there floating.
608
00:22:14,001 --> 00:22:17,045
I think he was trying to decide what to do.
609
00:22:17,129 --> 00:22:18,463
And all of a sudden, just like that,
610
00:22:18,589 --> 00:22:20,465
he started paddling those big flat feet of his,
611
00:22:20,591 --> 00:22:22,968
and took off after Olivia like a jet speed boat.
612
00:22:23,051 --> 00:22:24,261
Did he catch Olivia?
613
00:22:24,344 --> 00:22:25,804
I'll say he did.
614
00:22:25,929 --> 00:22:27,931
I don't think we had to worry much about Stanley anymore.
615
00:22:28,015 --> 00:22:28,849
Daddy?
616
00:22:28,974 --> 00:22:29,766
What?
617
00:22:29,850 --> 00:22:31,310
Can we visit them?
618
00:22:31,435 --> 00:22:32,936
Well, sure, we can visit him.
619
00:22:33,020 --> 00:22:37,983
After all, we're the only close family he has in Westchester.
620
00:22:38,066 --> 00:22:40,485
All right if I bring them a wedding present?
621
00:22:40,569 --> 00:22:43,488
Yeah, sure it is.
622
00:22:43,572 --> 00:22:45,032
What would-- what would you got in mind?
623
00:22:45,157 --> 00:22:48,994
Well, how about a nice box of oatmeal cookies, and a jar
624
00:22:49,119 --> 00:22:50,704
of that black jelly?
625
00:22:50,829 --> 00:22:51,788
Black jelly?
626
00:22:51,872 --> 00:22:54,208
Yeah, Mommy had it in the refrigerator.
627
00:22:54,333 --> 00:22:55,542
It was spoiled.
628
00:22:55,667 --> 00:23:00,839
It smelled like fish, but Stanley loved it.
629
00:23:00,923 --> 00:23:03,634
Black jelly that smelled like fish.
630
00:23:03,717 --> 00:23:05,636
No wonder Stanley enjoyed that, Ritchie.
631
00:23:05,719 --> 00:23:07,387
We were saving that for a special occasion.
632
00:23:07,513 --> 00:23:11,350
That was $10 worth of black caviar.
633
00:23:11,433 --> 00:23:13,435
Are you mad at me?
634
00:23:13,519 --> 00:23:14,853
Of course I'm not.
635
00:23:14,937 --> 00:23:17,356
Sorry, Rich.
636
00:23:17,439 --> 00:23:20,234
This was a very special occasion.
637
00:23:20,359 --> 00:23:23,904
[music playing]
638
00:23:26,907 --> 00:23:27,825
Hiya, Uncle Buddy!
639
00:23:27,908 --> 00:23:29,201
Hey, hiya, sport!
640
00:23:29,326 --> 00:23:31,036
Hiya, hey Laura, Rob.
641
00:23:31,119 --> 00:23:32,412
Buddy, what are you doing here?
642
00:23:32,538 --> 00:23:34,039
Gee, I hope you don't mind me letting myself in.
643
00:23:34,164 --> 00:23:35,123
I found a key under the mat.
644
00:23:35,207 --> 00:23:36,166
Well, no, not at all.
645
00:23:36,250 --> 00:23:37,292
But what are you doing up here?
646
00:23:37,376 --> 00:23:38,627
I had to come up, and tell you.
647
00:23:38,710 --> 00:23:39,545
Sally and me have been worried about your duck
648
00:23:39,628 --> 00:23:40,671
you know, being sick.
649
00:23:40,754 --> 00:23:42,506
And we figured out the reason why.
650
00:23:42,589 --> 00:23:43,715
It's because he's lonely.
651
00:23:43,799 --> 00:23:45,175
LAURA: Yeah, we figured that out too.
652
00:23:45,259 --> 00:23:46,552
You know what I did?
653
00:23:46,677 --> 00:23:48,011
I took Stanley to the lake, and put him in there
654
00:23:48,095 --> 00:23:48,887
with a lot of other ducks.
655
00:23:49,012 --> 00:23:50,013
And boy, is he happy?
656
00:23:50,097 --> 00:23:51,265
We just went up and visited him.
657
00:23:51,390 --> 00:23:54,017
You mean, you don't want another duck?
658
00:23:54,101 --> 00:23:56,228
No, we don't.
659
00:23:56,353 --> 00:23:57,479
Sally.
660
00:24:01,024 --> 00:24:02,401
I heard.
661
00:24:02,526 --> 00:24:06,238
Which way is the lake?
662
00:24:06,321 --> 00:24:07,406
OK, everybody, off to the lake.
663
00:24:07,489 --> 00:24:10,993
[music playing]45798
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